#like every thing ive ever done has been an insane amount of effort when it didn’t have to be bc i had to resist avoidance

[lesbianlenas]

it’s so funny bc it’s like. the duality of my mind….i am like on the one hand i can’t wait to start school again in a month and to have new experiences in law school and see some of my friends again and not be living w my dad anymore :) and then the mental illness side of my brain is like screaming crying throwing up at the thought of having to do anything ever so in general i am just like whatever abt it. bc they cancel each other out idk….i feel nothing at all abt going to school next month lmao…….

[artificialqueens]

Drabble Compilation (Trixya, Biadore) - Candy Cane

A/N: a bunch of drabbles ive written over on my side blog @sillylittlecandycane !! im accepting prompts over there if you are interested uwu here’s the list of everything in here: 1.) Trixya, half drag dance challenge 2.) Trixya, pregnant!Katya 3.) Biadore, “If I puke, will you hold my hair back?" 4.) Trixya, pregnant!Katya sequel 5.) Trixya, "You’ve been crying, I can tell." 6.) Biadore, Adore visiting Bianca in Palm Springs

1.) Trixya, half drag dance challenge For a split second there Katya was ecstatic about being Trixie’s partner for this challenge, then she remembered she has a huge fucking crush and is definitely going to wind up making a fool out of herself. Trixie’s clearly excited though, so Katya decides she’ll try to swallow down those feelings, and focus on keeping that smile on Trixie’s face.

Neither of them are really dancers, but Trixie definitely is a country girl, so she’s somewhat more familiar with it than Katya. The older is still nervous, she’s not used to this kind of thing, not by any stretch of the imagination. She’s done choreo before, any given drag queen has, she just hasn’t had to learn it in such a short amount of time before.

After learning what they could with the instructor and are back in the workroom to practice, Trixie turns to Katya and grabs her hands. Katya stares down at them with wide eyes, just now registering she’s been dancing with Trixie.

Cute, sexy, funny fucking Trixie.

“We have so got this,” Trixie says, all the confidence in the world embodied in that tone.

Katya looks into Trixie’s eyes and smiles back, “Okay, yeah. We’ve got this.”

It’s exhilarating to have so much confidence in herself, and then to have some in her partner as well. It’s so different from what she’s used to. They’ve still got work to do to make sure they nail this thing all the way to the core of the earth, it’s just not so terrifying anymore. It feels good, it really does.

2.) Trixya, pregnant!Katya Katya’s at the point where she is seriously regretting being pregnant. At the end of the day, it was her choice, but sometimes she thinks it was a bad one. Everything fucking hurts, she’s constantly hungry, she can’t sleep right anymore, and she is always horny. This is just the worst thing ever.

What doesn’t suck is how sweet and loving Trixie, her fucking wife, has been. Katya doesn’t think she’ll ever get over the fact that Trixie is her wife. It’s so surreal! She’s like the best wife ever. Always getting her whatever she wants or needs, even if it’s 2 am and she’s being absolutely ridiculous, Trixie is there to help her and make the best out of a sucky situation.

Katya cuddles closer to Trixie, listening to the soothing sound of the younger’s heartbeat. She’s going to have a baby with this girl. They’re growing their family and it’s just… it’s perfect.

Trixie gently tugs her fingers through Katy’s messy blonde hair as they watch some stupid Lifetime movie. The domesticity of it all is wonderfully stupid. But it’s still stupid. She feels restless, she’s unable to go out and at least dance, she wants to do something.

“I’m bored,” Katya says, frowning slightly.

Trixie giggles a little, and it’s so fucking cute it hurts, “Okay, what do you wanna do?”

“We should go bungee jumping,” Katya says, keeping a straight face.

“Yeah, and then we’ll eat live bugs,” Trixie replies with an eye roll.

Their eyes meet and they erupt into laughter, holding onto each other and enjoying the moment. Katya sighs, and lays her head back down to Trixie’s chest, frowning.

“I’m seven months preggers, there’s like nothing I can do,” Katya groans.

Trixie combs her fingers through Katya’s hair again, “That’s not true. We can still play like uh, board games? We can go back to thinking of baby names, too. Can’t do any worse than my parents.”

Katya looks up at Trixie, a content smile on her lips. At least Trixie is trying for her, which is so much better than she feels she could’ve ever hoped for. The Russian pushes herself up to kiss her wife deeply.

“Or we could…” Katya mumbles against her, a sly offer.

Trixie giggles again, like music to Katya’s ears, “Yeah. Let’s do that.”

3.) Biadore, "If I puke, will you hold my hair back?"

Adore has drunk herself stupid, or stupid-er, again. She needed a night of insane drinking, and boy did she get it. Everyone is looking at her like she should be at rehab, but she doesn’t fucking care. A broken heart can’t be mended with alcohol, but it can be forgotten, at least for a little while.

She downs another shot, and out of the corner of her eyes she sees Detox and Willam laughing at her, while Bianca looks incredibly exasperated. Adore groans and lays her head against the counter, she feels awful and it definitely isn’t just her broken heart.

“B…” she mumbles, lifting a heavy arm to poke her friend.

Bianca rolls her eyes but looks down at her anyways, “What?”

“I don’ feel so good…” she whines, her words slurred.

“Well that’s what happens when you drink more in three hours than Willam does in one night,” Bianca snaps back, the disapproval in her voice strong.

“I’d be offended but you make a good point,” Willam says, giggling.

Adore huffs and stares at her bright red wig and the way it’s sprawled out in front of her. It’s one of her favorites, but it was also her ex’s favorite… God, she misses him so much it hurts like a bitch. Maybe she should throw out the wig, if it’s going to hurt her so much. It’s still a favorite though, and she refuses to allow that dickhead to take more from her than necessary.

Adore realizes she’s been zoning out, and reaches her hand out for Bianca. Her hand finds Bianca’s, and she squeezes it tightly. Bianca’s eyes meet hers, and Adore is overwhelmed with how wonderful and amazing this person is. Bianca’s is basically the definition of perfect, and Adore knows she’s lucky to even be her friend. Though that doesn’t really stop her from pining after Bianca.

“Bia…” Adore whines again.

“What?” Bianca sighs.

“Can we leave?” she asks, quiet and sad.

Bianca looks down at her, and must take some kind of pity, “Yeah, we can go.”

Ten minutes later they’re climbing into the back of an Uber, and Adore is quick to lay her head down in Bianca’s lap. Bianca rubs the back of her neck, and it feels really good because she’s starting to feel really ill.

Adore moans pathetically, “Yanks…”

“Yeah?” Bianca answers her.

“If I puke will you hold my hair back?”

“Sure, but then I’ll beat you up for puking all over me and this fucking car.”

Adore giggles, feeling slightly better with their usual banter, “Love you, Bia.”

“Love you too,” Bianca smiles softly.

4.) Trixya, pregnant!Katya sequel

For almost a year now, Katya’s life has been totally changed. Deciding to actually go through with physically having a child was big enough, but when she was actually pregnant? Everything changed.

Every decision she made impacted the baby. What she ate, what she wore, what she did… Every little thing impacted not just her anymore, but her child too. And she wouldn’t give it up for anything, because sitting here, holding that child in her arms, she knows it was all worth it.

Sitting here in the hospital bed, Katya is mesmerized by her baby. Her eyes are so startling blue, like Trixie’s, and her smile is so vibrant, like Trixie. Katya thinks her baby will be just like Trixie in so many ways. Katya hopes her daughter gets all her good traits, and none of her bad ones. This child helped to save her from addiction, Katya doesn’t want her to fall into it.  

“What are you thinking about?” Trixie whispers, leaning over her shoulder to look into their baby’s eyes.

“How we still haven’t named her,” Katya says, cupping her pretty face.

Trixie rolls her eyes, “Well, we would’ve had that one figured out by now if-” “Really? In front of the baby?” Katya says, trying to play all serious at first, then bursts into laughter at Trxiei’s surprised expression.

“You bitch,” Trixie laughs, lightly slapping Katya’s shoulder.

“But seriously, the kid needs a name,” Katya frowns, “We can’t keep calling her ‘the baby’ forever.”

“It’s only been a day,” Trixie shrugs, “But you’re right.” “I should give her a really complicated Russian name you can’t pronounce,” Katya teases.

“Do you hate me? Is that it?” Trixie plays along.

Katya kisses her though, and the way Trixie turns bright red gets her all emotional all over again.

“I’ve been in love with you since we met,” Katya reminds her once they break apart.

“We should name her Barbara,” Trixie giggles.

“Nevermind, you’re right, I do hate you.”

Trixie cackles, and the baby starts to fuss in response. Both immediately try to calm her down, and luckily do so with minimal effort.

“Maybe… Cherry?” Trixie suggests.

Katya looks at her, then realizes she;s being serious, “Really? Cherry?”

“We could put down like, Cheryl or something on paper, but Cherry is like red, and sweet, and cute…” Trixie explains, blushing some.

Katya purses her lips, looks down at her baby, and grins widely.

“Cherry suits her.”

5.) Trixya, "You’ve been crying, I can tell." There’s tear tracks down Trixie’s cheeks, her eyes are bright red, and she’s even sniffling. It makes Katy’s heart hurt. She doesn’t like to see Trixie upset, that girl is the last person on this earth who should ever cry.

“Katya-” Trixie says, jerking back when she sees the older, clearly having thought she was alone.

“What happened?” Katya asks, stepping forward instinctively. She wants nothing more than to hug her.

“Nothing, it’s nothing,” Trixie says, unable to meet Katya’s eyes.

Katya frowns, “You’ve been crying, I can tell.”

Trixie looks shocked, but still persists, “I’m fine.”

“I’m never going to believe that,” Katya says, crossing her arms over her chest.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Trixie finally admits.

“Okay, that I can understand,” Katya says, reaching forward to take Trixie’s hand in her own, “But… that doesn’t mean you have to be alone. We don’t have to talk, but let me be here for you. Please?”

Trixie looks up at Katya’s kind, worried eyes, completely taken aback by how genuine her friend is being. Trixie nods, unable to actually form any words, and is almost instantly wrapped up in a strong hug.

The younger places her head in the crook of Katya’s neck, and starts to cry all over again. She doesn’t feel so empty and alone now, though. She feels like maybe if she just stays in Katya’s arms, listening to her reassurances and absorbing her love, for a little while longer then everything will be okay.

6.) Biadore, Adore visiting Bianca in Palm Springs

The sun is shining brightly, the palm trees surrounding the pool sway in the breeze, and Danny feels more relaxed than they have in many, many months. They’re on their back in the center of the pool, letting themself drift and be one with the water. Usually they prefer to go straight to the source, they are a mermaid after all, but there’s something to be said about getting to be alone in the water with their boyfriend.

There’s no one else around, just the two of them, alone and having sexy, fun, romance together. Said boyfriend pops up out of the water  next to Danny, and peers over them, a smirk on his lips. Danny sits up so they’re not on their back anymore, and presses a little closer to Roy.

“Hi,” Roy chuckles, leaning in close to Danny’s lips.

Danny grins, “Hello yourself.”

Roy laughs, but kisses Danny anyways. The kiss is chaste, but still full of love and joy. Danny wraps their arms around Roy’s neck and goes in for another kiss, this one full and sloppy. Roy pushes Danny forward as they soak each other in, until Roy had Danny pinned to the concrete edge, his large hands spanning across Danny’s, currently tiny, hips.

The younger is bad at the whole self-care thing during work, which is one of the many reasons he’s happy to have them here. Now he has an excuse to get real food into Danny, and help them relax.

The two pull away from each other, breathless and smiling, and it’s perfect. The sun on their skin, the clear water around them, and neither would have it any other way.

“We should go annoy the neighbors with your golf cart this afternoon,” Danny suggests, smiling and close to laughter.

“Yeah,” Roy says, close to laughing himself, “We should.”

[adarlingsnightmare]

Chuuya Nakahara Yandere Alphabet

Anonymous said:

Sounds good! How about the alphabet for chuuya? :3c 

accidentally posted this to my main blog after writing a huge apology for my lack of posting :/ i keep doing that unfortunately. anyways, ive had a full week exams which is why i havent been posting. im extremely tired and stressed but i will try to get more requests done this week, though i have another week of exams. i do apologise, but itll be over soon. i hope you enjoy anon, this short bastard is one of my favs. <3

Affection: How do they show their love and affection? How intense would it get?

Chuuya would gladly smother you in endless kisses and cuddles, but if you tell him to back off, he'll stick to just having an arm around you (because god forbid he isn't touching you in one way or another). You'll often hear him whispering how much he absolutely adores you when he thinks you're asleep, and when you're visibly awake he'll be showering you in compliments.

Blood: How messy are they willing to get when it comes to their darling?

Oh, Chuuya will undoubtedly do whatever it takes to keep you safe, even if that results in bloody murder. He's in the mafia after all, what's a little blood on his hands, especially in the name of love?

Cruelty: How would they treat their darling once abducted? Would they mock them?

Chuuya would only mock you if you consistently failed to escape or were getting punished by him. Otherwise, he is generally loving and as romantic as possible. He will always make sure you're eating and sleeping properly, snapping at you if you refuse to eat as he gets awfully worried about you sometimes.

Darling: Aside from abduction, would they do anything against their darling's will?

No, not really. The only instances where something's against his darlings will is when he's punishing them. Other than that, it's mainly abduction and the lack of freedom to talk to people.

Exposed: How much of their heart do they bare to their darling? How vulnerable are they when it comes to their darling?

Chuuya confides in his darling, and will show a side of himself that no one else ever sees. He'll ask for advice on work matters and will constantly seek love and reassurance from his darling. While outwardly he may still appear tough and cocky, he's really soft for you.

Fight: How would they feel if their darling fought back?

He would be pretty irritated and though he'd never admit it, quite hurt. Why can't you just love him, goddamnit?! He'll try not to hurt you too much, but if you're not backing down he will use force to get you to stop.

Game: Is this a game to them? How much would they enjoy watching their darling try to escape?

Chuuya doesn't enjoy it in the slightest. His love for you isn't some 'game' and seeing you try to escape both infuriates and saddens him. All he truly wants is to be a happy, normal couple so your refusal to love him is not something he enjoys.

Hell: What would be their darling's worst experience with them?

Chuuya isn't always fully aware of how strong he actually is, especially when he uses Corruption and becomes out of control. This can lead to a terrifying situation where you're worried for your life as a monster in your boyfriend's body goes on a rampage and destroys everything around him. It rarely happens, as Chuuya really doesn't want to hurt you, but when it does it's a living nightmare.

Ideals: What kind of future do they have in mind for/with their darling?

Honestly, Chuuya doesn't really know what kind of future he wants for him and his darling, but ideally you two would move to some beautiful island — somewhere in the Caribbean, maybe? — get married, possibly start a family and live out the rest of your days in bliss.

Jealousy: Do they get jealous? Do they lash out or find a way to cope?

Luckily, Chuuya isn't insanely possessive and doesn't lash out just because you looked at someone else, but he is paranoid. He has to keep you away from other people because, what if they attempt to hurt you? The only instance where he would genuinely become jealous is if Dazai was involved. This is when you'll see his full yandere side come out and it will be extreme: locking you up in highly secure room, restraining you, putting tracking devices in everything you own, anything to ensure your safety. If you were to show an interest in Dazai, whether platonic or even worse, romantic, his paranoia and jealousy would spike up tenfold — essentially guaranteeing you'll never see the light of day again.

Kisses: How do they act around or with their darling?

Chuuya is generally really loving and calm towards his darling, still messing with them and lovingly calling them an idiot, but always so soft when speaking. However, if you were to be a brat, his rougher, more 'mafia' side would make an appearance— any soft words of reassurance thrown out the window.

Love letters: How would they go about courting or approaching their darling?

The 'traditional' way: flirting with you, taking you out on fancy dates and gifting you jewellery and flowers. He may seem smooth but he usually has to ask people (Kouyou) or the internet for advice on how to win someone's affections. He's also very observant to what you're interested in, so if you mention preferring movies to fancy dinners, that's where your next date will be.

Mask: Are their true colors drastically different from the way they act around everyone else?

Yes, but in a good way. Instead of being his 'tough executive' persona, when he's around you, he'll reveal a much sweeter and softer side of himself. He's also surprisingly affectionate, taking every opportunity to be as close to you as possible.

Naughty: How would they punish their darling?

Chuuya doesn't generally plan out punishment, he tends to go into a fit of rage and attack you with whatever is nearest. Usually it results in you being choked, slammed repeatedly against the floor or him almost breaking your ribs with his foot. Once he's calmed down is when he will decide on a proper punishment, such as keeping you restrained to the bed, taking away certain privileges or maybe if you've really done something bad... a more permanent solution will be used.

Oppression: How many rights would they take away from their darling?

As long as his darling was relatively compliant, Chuuya's only real restriction would be the ability to go outside alone without the safety of his watchful eye. Of course, if you betrayed his trust, any hint of freedom you had previously would be stripped away.

Patience: How patient are they with their darling?

Chuuya tries to be patient, he really does, but he's just so hotheaded that he often ends up snapping at his darling whenever they act up in the slightest.

Quit: If their darling dies, leaves, or successfully escapes, would they ever be able to move on?

To put it simply: no. No one else can make Chuuya feel this way, and without his wonderful darling, he feels distanced from the world. It is likely he would continue working for the Port Mafia (unless they were involved in your escape/death), a mere shell of his former self only existing to serve the mafia rather than actually living.

Regret: Would they ever feel guilty about abducting their darling? Would they ever let their darling go?

Chuuya would feel a small amount of guilt if he had to kidnap you, but his belief that it's necessary for your protection would overrule the guilt. He would absolutely never let you go, you're like the anchor that keeps him human; he cannot lose you.

Stigma: What brought about this side of them (childhood, curiosity, etc)?

Like Dazai, Chuuya feels almost inhuman, like he is a foreigner in someone else's body, yet when he brushed hands with you, he felt something real. This is what drives him to get to know you: the desperation to be human. The more he spends time with you, the more this feeling increases — leading him to be unable to just allow you to leave him. Ironically, he becomes less human the more time he devotes to you.

Tears: How do they feel about seeing their darling scream, cry, and/or isolate themselves?

Chuuya really doesn't like seeing you upset, and it hurts his heart having to punish you when you're so upset, but some things are just a necessary evil. If you've done something he considers to be really bad, he will be apathetic to your tears, believing you deserve whatever you're suffering.

Unique: Would they do anything different from the classic yandere?

Unlike a lot of yanderes, Chuuya does respect your boundaries to a degree, and won't force you to do anything you really protest against (aside from letting you go, of course).

Vice: What weakness can their darling exploit in order to escape?

Chuuya has to leave for work nearly everyday, so if you're smart and able to break locks, you have a fairly good chance of escaping. However, even if you do escape, Chuuya will find you again, and he won't take the betrayal lightly.

Wit's end: Would they ever hurt their darling?

Chuuya has a pretty short temper, especially when it comes to the safety of his darling, so if you persistently tried to escape or "put yourself in danger" (interacting with Dazai, refusing food), he may snap. As stated previously, he doesn't enjoy your pain, but sometimes it's necessary to get you to listen.

Xoanon: How much would they revere or worship their darling? To what length would they go to win their darling over?

Despite his sometimes arrogant nature, Chuuya sees his darling as on an entirely separate level to himself. He practically worships you, though he doesn't always like to show it (he's got to keep up his tough guy persona after all) and would gladly do anything you asked. His loyalty to you is even able to override his loyalty to the Port Mafia.

Yearn: How long do they pine after their darling before they snap?

Chuuya would make an effort to woo you, buying you flowers and taking you out on fancy dinners, hoping that you'll end up wanting to be in a relationship with him. He'll vehemently deny being so desperate to be with you, but it's pretty obvious he's hopelessly in love. If you were to continuously reject his advances, he may eventually end up kidnapping you, but only if he thought you were in danger (or that another person was making a move on you).

Zenith: Would they ever break their darling?

If he did end up breaking you, it wouldn't be intentional. All Chuuya wants is your unconditional love and affection, but he can get desperate if you're not showing it and will make you say how much you love him, even if you have to be put through hell to achieve it.

[jessica-rowan]

A letter I will never send (to my transphobic mother)

Janet, 

So I’m moving out. You’re a bitch and have been such a profoundly negitive influence on me that I have wanted to kill myself. Any mother who is the direct cause of that in her child is a failed mother and a terrible person.

Fuck you. Like for real and for serious, Fuck you. You sit and you bitch about how no one respects you and you don’t feel loved. This WHOLE house bends to your every whim without a word in argument. NO ONE stands in your way. NO ONE. fuck you. SO MANY of my fucking friends have made some variation of the comment:

“If i didn’t know other people aside from your mother lived here i wouldnt have ever guessed”

My room, my space, my fucking hidaway. It has hardwood floors not because I wanted them, but because YOU wanted them. BOTH times my room has been painted it was because YOU wanted it painted.

There is ZERO evidence that I live in the house. Everything is how YOU want it and its always fucking been this way.

You bitch, you berate, you condescend and YOURE FUCKING PROUD OF IT

“Hey i'm just being honest, if you don't want me to be honest dont ask” - thats fucking your mantra and you fucking wear it like a fucking crown

Brutal honesty? No. judgemental bitch. Its not a good character trait its fucking toxic and its one of the many, many, many fucking reasons danielle doesnt fucking talk to you. The reason we dont come to you with problems is because we learned really fucking early that instead of advice or empathy we get criticism and judgement. 

Did it ever occur to you that fucking maybe we wanted a mother and not a personified negative opinion? 

You grew up in an abusive home. That sucks. You know what you did instead of making sure that your kids never suffered what you went through? YOU FUCKING CREATED AN ABUSIVE HOME WHERE TWO OUT OF YOUR THREE KIDS HAVE TRIED TO KILL THEMSELVES BECUSE OF YOU.

You are a fucking narcisist. This note, these words. They look like lies to you. That i’m making shit up. You cannot see what you’ve done to us and when confronted by the smallest possibility you may have done something?? Not only DO YOU FUCKING BLAME US you have also said that even if you DID do something YOU FUCKING TAKE NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR IT. 

LIKE A FUCKING FOUR YEAROLD.

You fucking cunt stain

There is no one in this world i fucking hate more than you

You’ve ripped so much joy from me, caused me an incalculable amount of pain, AND HOW FUCKING DARE I EVER IMPLY that maybe something youve said or done has caused hurt. BITCH. YOU FUCKING BITCH 

I want to kill myself. DO YOU FUCKING GET THAT? YOU HAVE SAID AND DONE THINGS THAT MAKE ME WANT TO OPEN UP MY WRISTS WITH A FUCKING BOXCUTTER. 

And by the fucking grace of a few friends and a CHAMPION sister, whos been more of a fucking mother than you ever have been. IM NOT FUCKING DEAD YET.

“I love and support you!!!” youll fucking say, cause youre always the victim. And im being so fucking mean and hateful and ungrateful right now. 

You know what.

Go fuck yourself.

You ensured ive felt BEHOLDEN to you, that i am INDEBTED to you. Im made to feel bad about ANY and EVERY decision i make that stears my own fucking life.

Youve fucking said time and time again “live your own life and find your happiness” “all i want is for you to be happy”

But whenever we did something to further those goals??? You fucking made us feel like shit.

That we were insulting you PERSONALLY for not doing whatever in the way YOU wanted.

You want us to be happy as long as we live in a way that YOU can fucking control

You wanna know why danielle pisses you off so fucking much??

You can't control her.

You wanna know why my transition pisses you off so much

Other than the fact youre a massively homophopic transphobic psychobitch?

Because it's moved me beyond your control

And you cant fucking STAND that. 

And lets fucking talk about my transition. A word you can’t even fucking SAY.

This is the BEST FUCKING THING THATS EVER FUCKING HAPPENED TO ME

THIS FUCKING SAVED MY FUCKING LIFE.

And you fucking HATE it.

You wont use my pronouns, you fucking refuse to call me a she. Your excuse is “i need some time” bullshit

If you were making ANY effort at all you would, fucking statistically speaking, use the proper one AT SOME FUCKING POINT but you dont. You never fucking have. you never fucking will becuse you dont care that it hurts me. Because anything that is a minor inconvenience to fucking Janet isnt fucking worth a damn so fuck everyone who isnt you.

You said point blank that you hate my name and you won't use it.

In a rare moment of bravery, i pointed out that refusal to acknowledge someone's identity is profoundly disrespectful you fucking YELLED AT ME you bigoted bitch.

You said I BETRAYED THE FAMILY when I changed my name. You flat out said that I wasn't part of this family anymore. You yelled at me for two fucking hours about how fucking awful i was.

“Youre a Rowan now, whatever the fuck that is”

IT MEANS COURAGE YOU FUCKING CUNT

Courage to face your fucking abuser and tell her to fuck the hell right the fuck off

When i came out to you do you know what the first things you fucking said to me were??

BECAUSE I FUCKING DO 

They are burned into my fucking mind. They will probably never leave.

“First of all how dare you’ - HOW FUCKED UP IT THIS. i don't even have WORDS for how MASSIVELY FUCKED UP THIS IS. how dare I?? HOW FUCKING DARE I WHAT??? BE FUCKING HAPPY??? I THOUGHT YOU WANTED THAT, OH WAIT NO, YOU ONLY WANT HAPPINESS YOU APPROVE OF. LIFE SAVING HAPPINESS TO KEEP YOUR CHILD ALIVE??? CANT HAVE THAT. you fucking cunt

“I suppose i cant talk you out of it” - TALK ME OUT OF WHAT? BEING TRANSGENDER IS NOT A FUCKING CHOICE SO WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT??? TALK ME OUT OF????FUCKING STAYING ALIVE AND HAPPY? YOU WOULD PREFER I DIED INSTEAD THEN YOU WOULDN'T BE INCONVENIENCED BY MY HAPPINESS

“I'm not going to hit you but I'm thinking about it” OH NEAT LETS TRY SAYING THIS ANOTHER WAY

“I want to assault this person because they have displeased me and I am a violent narcissist bigot”

YOU FUCKING PSYCHOPATH. HITTING YOUR CHILD, WHO CAME TO YOU DESPITE HOW AFRAID THEY WERE AND YOU FIRST THOUGHT IS TO FUCKING HIT THME FOR IT.

Your fucking insane and you need help.

In the time since ive come out never once. NOT FUCKING ONCE have you said “i love you” to me.

MARYLOU a fucking aunt I rarely see??? THOSE WERE THE FIRST FUCKING WORDS SHE SAID TO ME. THE FIRST FUCKING WORDS OUT OF HER MOUTH.

DANIELLE my fucking sister who also dont get to see that often

THE FIRST THINGS SHE SAID WAS THAT SHE LOVES ME AND SHE’S PROUD OF ME

BUT YOU, fucking YOU. love was the farthest thing from your fucking mind.

When I then came out to dad, which by the way, DISPROVES YOUR FUCKING NARRATIVE THAT YOU WERE THE LAST TO FIND OUT. you fucking said of me “where did i go wrong”

BITCH YOU FUCKING WENT WRONG WHEN YOU DECIDED TO NOT LOVE YOUR CHILDREN.

This house hasn’t been a home for me since it was built.

This house is your house. It’s always been your house. You make sure everyone fucking knows that.

And believe me we DO know that.

And its taken me a long fucking time to get my brain to accept that i dont fucking need you

I dont need your negativity

I dont need your hate

I dont need your passive aggressive bullshit

I dont need to feel like i should have to hide in my own home

I dont need to feel like im not safe

I dont need to feel guilty for being FINALLY who I am, who I always was

What I DO need?

Is a place that respects me

A place I feel safe

A place I don’t feel judged the moment I walk into the room

A place where I can surround myself with people who are happy i chose not to kill myself

A place where I can breathe

A place where I DONT have to cry myself to sleep

And that place?

That place isn’t here.

That place is not YOUR house

That place is not ANYWHERE near you

So I’m leaving. I choose life. I choose to live. I choose to be happy. 

Fuck you Janet. Fuck you straight to a lonely hell.

I have the fools hope that maybe you’ll fucking read this and maybe just maybe something inside that wicked shell of yours realizes what shes done. It fucking wont, cause in Janets fucking world everyone is out to get her and she can do no wrong. 

But if by some fucking MIRACLE that does happen and you wanna talk to me? You want to APOLOGIZE to me?? Maybe, FUCKING MAYBE I’ll talk.

But you WILL call me Jessica

Or you won’t call me at all.

Signed in outrage by your youngest DAUGHTER,

Jessica Rowan

[spotlightsaga]

Kevin Cage of @spotlightsaga reviews... Riverdale /S01\/E10\ Chapter 10: The Lost Weekend Airdate: April 13, 2017 @cwnetwork Ratings: 0.872 Million :: 0.32 18-49 Demo Share Score: 8.5/10 @riverdaleseries @archiecomics TVTime/FB/Twitter/IG/Tumblr/Path/Pin: @SpotlightSaga **********SPOILERS BELOW********** Four Months late isn't too bad, right? See, in Miami, it's never cute to be the first person at the party, and really the party never ends until someone actually says it does... And clearly the Riverdale Party is still very much in full swing. So consider this 10th Entry 'Riverdale Revisit'; the after party to end all after parties. Of course, we're going to be set up for S2 when it goes live. This is definitely not one of the tv shows that Spotlight Saga will be dropping in the coming, world famous, 'fall tv' season frenzy. But don't get it twisted, there are many on the chopping block... OUR chopping block. We're looking at what gets our blood pumping and our thoughts racing, giving us something more to talk about than "Last Night on ___insert uninspired show number #45 here___." 'Riverdale' has made a massive stir across social media and of course on The CW & their worldwide dominating partner, Netflix, as well. I love that due to streaming, the new large amounts of cash pouring in from its subsequent deals, and actually several generations full of 'cord cutters', there are no longer rules to watching and writing about television series and films... Get to them when you can, some will watch them live, some will stream them later, some will wait until they can binge them all at once like a Weekend Warrior with a pocket full of Ecstasy and a head full of hallucinogens. It's our world now, and CBS, NBC, ABC, FOX, and more (or less) importantly 'Nielsen Holdings', no longer control what, when, where, why, and how much. Smell that? That's the sweet smell of change... And the remnants of murder and sticky maple syrup, obvi. Ive been extremely careful not to overpraise 'Riverdale' in the past. Similar series have only led to frustration or feelings of complete frustration. Its hard to know what to expect from a show like this in the near future... We all saw the demise of similar series like 'Pretty Little Liars' and other shows that run through the same type of vein... Kind of like many of the other ones attempted over at the now defunct ABC Family where PLL first started. Like The WB, UPN, and now The CW, ABC Family has also gone through a newly rebranding process that didn't do much to help the sinking ship they now call Freeform TV... A network that only 'The Fosters' and its cheesy sister show 'Shadowhunters' seem to be keeping afloat. We aren't being negative, we're being real... And when you're at a party, or in this case, 'After Party', you've got to be real. You just gotta... Even if no one ever wanted the party in the first place. If you don't know what I mean, let me spell it out for you. Ready? Set? Spell! Ah fuck it, we'll just spill the tea... 'Let's have a Kiki! Lock the doors tight!' I sometimes wonder if my obscure pop culture references I often sneak into these articles ever actually connect. They probably don't, but to that one person that got it, FUCK YEAH! It's the birthday of Jughead (Cole Sprouse)... And much like the very similar, fellow female counterpart, Sheila the She-Wolf, another introverted style character from 'Riverdale's sister show on Netflix, 'GLOW'... Jughead is not really into parties and/or making a big fuss about a birthday or bringing any unnecessary & unwanted attention to his person. Unfortunately for Betty (Lili Reinhart), Jughead isn't really big on camaraderie, most definitely not in the spirit equivalent to the 'Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling'! The reasons behind throwing these two characters' each their own impromptu birthday bashes on their respective tv shows are done for totally different reasons. With 'GLOW', it was slightly annoying at first (for Sheila, anyway), but eventually it turned from an apprehensive & anxiety filled event to a touching, sweet moment, where a closed off character had a major breakthrough that was captured in the perfect beam of light, allowing a significant development and enabling an insight into another character's backstory, bringing the whole cast together for the most part. In a great juxtaposition, on 'Riverdale', the psychology behind this one is actually much, much different... It's still got the 'trepidatious yet possible potential for a surprise moment of gratification' aspect down to a certain degree, but it doesn't go down the path of the balmy & charming. The reasoning behind Betty's sudden obsession to give Jughead the party that he never wanted, and the background as to why he's so against the idea in the first place certainly doesn't inspire camaraderie or any kind of 'feel good' moments, especially at the party itself. If anything, the intent is slightly bordering on the side of creepy. Riverdale?! Creepy?!? Yup! Keep up! It's only getting creepier. You see... We've been up on 'Riverdale' and then back down, and then back up and down again... And I think everyone here will openly admit that it's mostly due to a shaky CW track record, as well as similar networks just like it, though there has been a few inconsistencies outside of this oddball tone & beautiful color scheme we're always raving about. However, when the show fully embraces its complete and total anomalous, almost freakish eccentricities, we all just fall right back in love with the show again. It's episodes like 'Chapter 10: The Lost Weekend' that completely make us forget about past network follies and shows like PLL completely losing their way after gaining our trust and enthusiasm in its beginning stages. Reinhart is effortlessly serving up 'Bizarre, Bilateral, Betty Bananas' like a full-on, award ready, seasoned vet. Seriously, I don't want to blow too much smoke up the kid's ass, but I'm pretty sure her breakthrough performance here would even make the likes of decorated actress such as Nicole Kidman proud. Betty Cooper has a duality that Reinhart not only highlights with strong, hearty performances... But it's also the efforts of Director Dawn Williamson, a phenomenal Art Department (you guys KICK MAJOR ASS), Cinematographer Stephen Jackson (this guy was award-worthy in this episode), and Costume & Wardrobe (hell, everyone involved in the smallest, minute details) framed from shot to shot... The absurdity of how tight & perfectly situated her ponytail is, how hard she clenches her hands (leaving scratch marks on her palms), even the way she holds the cake & dawns the signature 'Jughead Crown', to whoever made the call of having those weirdo party goers in horse masks in the background - Good call, guys! That was freaking CRAZY! It's all those little things that make the picture such a pleasure to watch... Turning what seems like a normal teen drama at first glance, to a finely tuned, surprisingly compelling theatrical spectacle. The crazy is in full on abundance, though... It's not just Betty. Suddenly after a string of a few disappointing episodes, I come back after a break and either see things in a totally different light, or it could be that this was just slowly building right under our noses the whole time, or *the most plausible of all three options* is that the ironically lowest rated episode of the series, according to the great analysts over at Nielsen, is actually the most technically sound, character driven, insanely atmospheric entry of the entire 1st Season. Veronica Lodge (Camila Mendes) finally lets go of some deep resentments she's been bottling up and goes after Cheryl Blossom (Madelaine Petsch). This is a task that I wouldn't suggest to any person of sound or capable mind to attempt in any way, shape, fashion, or form. The act is crazy in and of itself, and pissing off the 'Ravishing Redhead' that literally wears the letters 'HBIC' on the back of her cheerleading uniform, that's 'Head Bitch in Charge' for anyone too young or too old to remember Tiffany Pollard of VH1's 'I Love New York', is obviously going to lead to a backlash that Veronica won't likely forget. Sure she might get her big 'W' now, but we must remind you... There's no 'W' in 'HBIC'. Meanwhile, Cole Sprouse & Skeet Ulrich, who plays Serpent Gangster FP Jones & Jughead's father on the show, are literally close to actually convincing me that they are really father and son in real life. The little ticks and nuances that they share are out of this fn' world insane. Either these two have spent a week in a trailer together mirroring their every move or we seriously need to ring in Maury Povich for a DNA Test! Oh, and apparently there's some guy on the show named Archie Andrews (KJ Apa)... The only drawback is that they've failed to make the main protagonist (is he tho?) even remotely interesting. He's good looking, but he's not a convincing redhead, and I'm still not hooked into his arc. Hey, that's ok... Enter Mary Andrews (Molly Ringwald - ChaChing!), Archie's long lost mother. So nice of you to finally drop in, Molly! Fred Andrews (Luke Perry) is ready to finalize the divorce, but we're just biting on all the possibly juicy dramatic scenarios! Who is Archie again? Back at the party, that burgeoning rivalry between Veronica and Cheryl hits its boiling point when Veronica gets a bit too carried away and accuses Cheryl and her deceased brother Jason (Trevor Stines) of having an incestious affair. Ah, gotta love seedy underbelly of the United States! The more money, the crazier the family!!! Oh but there's more! Good ol' All-American Chuck (Jordan Calloway), who actually WAS almost boiled alive, attempts to out Betty on her 'Dr. Jeckyl/Ms. Hyde' issue that surfaced when a hot tub prank got a bit too out of hand earlier in the season. To our surprise, and viewer delight, Jughead and his Dad actually had a moment, which was completely unexpected, yet felt completely real. Like I said before, Ulrich & Sprouse have stellar chemistry, and the writers seem to know this and obviously derive great pleasure in giving us this moment where the two aren't at total odds and Jughead not only carefully considers, but actually takes his biological father's advice... Providing solid proof that the series isn't trying to meander or stretch out any unnecessary storylines at all. No disrespect to fans of other series broadcast on The CW, but clearly this isn't 'The Flash'. These storylines seem to be heading into important territory at a reasonable pace, and not just hanging around to fulfill an episode number requested by an executive to make sure ad-space quotas are filled... Although I have considered that this could be an issue that the show could run into in its expanded 22-Episode Run that it's been greenlit for S2. There's plenty of juicy drama to go around, but when we see that drama making moves instead of being drawn out, then you know you've got a potentially good show on your hands. For now, 'Riverdale' is back on a solid trajectory, delivering what appears to be a set-up episode for the impending S1 finale... A set-up episode that was easily the most consistent entry to date from start to finish. The impression that an episode as good as this exists to move its characters like chess pieces, seemingly just to put everyone in place for the final three episodes is an exciting notion for the last 3 hours of S1 of 'Riverdale' to come!