#like i agree in the past a portion of the fandoms community were a bit out of control

[hkblack]

Let me tell you a story...

It starts in the summer of 2021. Honestly it probably starts a little before that. 2020 through 2022 ish are a bit hazy because there was a lot of sitting around at home doing nothing.

Somewhere in that haziness my partner goes “wait, you haven’t watched this Good Omens show yet? And you haven’t read the book? … oh no. You should do that.”

And immediately after finishing the show I knew I was in trouble. I knew if I read the book I would absolutely fall down the fandom rabbit hole and be trapped, and so for a very long while, I didn’t. Until I did.

And then in August 2021, I wandered into fandom. I had been lurking. Seeing what AO3 had to offer. Crawling back onto Tumblr. But I had a story idea, and I needed a beta reader. And the last time I was in fandom, LiveJournal was still a thing, so I didn’t know where to go.

I found out about Discord, and I signed up for a thousand servers, it felt like, and in one server I bravely started sticking my neck out.

There was talk about someone writing a Human AU on a farm, and farm animals in general, and I chimed in about goat-scaping. And then I made the joke that would seal my fate.

“I don’t know if I could write a kid fic, but you know. I could write a kid (goat) fic.”

It was meant to be a short, sweet, meet-cute. Professor Aziraphale has a goat from the goat scaping team break into his office. Based loosely on a campus experience where a member of the goat-scaping team at a campus I was on tried (and failed) to get into a classroom once.

A simple formula. Maybe a 4+1? 4 times a goat broke into Professor Aziraphale Fell’s office, and one time it didn’t.

I even found the first beta reading request. First chapter done, I’ve got four more planned. Rated T.

Ha.

I started writing Chapter 5, you know, the final chapter, and realized—there’s more to this story. These characters have life, and story, and who doesn’t want to see more goats? Also, had I truly fulfilled the “kid-fic” portion of my joke?

I think we can all agree that no, no I hadn’t.

So, I kept writing. But I also found my stride in other Discord Servers and in Fandom in general. And in the winter of 2021, I went on a beta-reading blitz for the Gift Exchange happening in the Do It With Style Events Discord server. I read something like 14? 15? stories in a very short amount of time and in doing so, got to know some really amazing people and began to carve out my spot in the community.

From this server I found folks with lived goat-experience who were willing to share and advise me. From this server I found beta readers and brit pickers willing to cheer me on and guide my writing to the best version it could be. I found friends and joy and I found community.

And if you look very carefully through the pages of Bleating Hearts, I think that at its heart, past the puns, past the obvious fast burn love story, and the crooked Luce Matin and demanding James Starr, and even beyond the goats, it’s a story about finding your place in a community. While we talk about Aziraphale and Crowley and their relationship, so many people have asked me about Anathema and Crowley at the chicken coop (we only got to see Newt and Aziraphale in the bedroom). The most commented on scene is Anathema pulling the car over and getting Aziraphale’s consent to go to Tracy’s for lunch.

It's a story with goats, romance, and drama. But it’s a story about community.

I have thanked the people most involved a thousand times over, and I will always take an excuse to thank them again. @ambrasue, my ride or die beta reader. She is who to thank for the sentences making sense. And for me not beating you all over the head with the word “Gently.” HolRose, for the Brit-Picking and second pair of eyes when Ambra and I had gone cross-eyed, and always, always, always having a kind comment ready to go for every chapter update. @writingordinaryrealities, for all things Goats, and for not laughing at me when we met in person and I lost my cool over real life goats.

@mirjam-writes! Mirjam made me my first ever fanart for one of my fanfics! And so many more of you have followed suit and I never know what to say when I see it but I always make a noise and run excitedly to my partner and flap my hands and show him his heart and he always gets the dumbest smile and goes, “I love when people make you goat fanart. You are adorable when you’re verklempt.”

But also, the DIWS and Good Omens community. Every single person who shouted at one of my snippets when I needed a boost and shared a bit of what I was proud of. Every single person who tagged me in a goat video—you all have tagged me in so many goat videos. I watch each and every one of them. Every single person who got excited when I said I was finally ready to start posting.

Because you see, that support, that community, led me to pay it forward. At TIC4 in 2023, I had just finished my panel on beta reading and was feeling a bit amped up. I saw in the chat that someone wanted to talk Slow Show and Human Aus and, I don’t know if y’all know this, but uh, I’m a big fan of human AUs. And so I hopped into the break out room and met J.

J is a lovely human who has been fandoming since the OG Star Trek days with Kirk and Spock. She had found a physical copy of Slow Show and just needed to talk to someone, anyone about it. She wasn’t sure what the Archive was, she was still learning her way around digital fandom, and I instantly wanted to reach out and help her find community and joy the way I had when I got started in the fandom. So, I sat down and I gave her my favorites. I told her how to find me on socials. We connected on Discord. We sent each other long letters back and forth on Discord sharing our joys and frustrations and our love of GO and talking about all sorts of other things. And it has been amazing listening to her stories and getting to know her.

Unbeknownst to me, J had reached out to @brunheiffer to ask for a physical copy of Bleating Hearts. Now—I’m all for fandom in the physical space, but it’s never even crossed my mind to do more than something printed out at my home printer, hastily hole punched, and shoved into a binder so I could sneak fanfiction reading time during 5th period math class after I was done with my worksheets many, many, many moons ago. When brunheiffer reached out and asked if they could print and bind a copy for me—I didn’t know what to say. Or do. Or think. I think I keysmashed? I keysmashed after I made my partner read the message out loud. And then I went and looked through tumblr and all of brunheiffer’s excellent work. And then I went, “Do I say yes?” and he went “um YES OF COURSE YOU SAY YES. WHAT”

So, I said yes.

I also said yes to progress shots and got to watch some of the coolest work ever. I didn’t know how books…ya know…booked. Witchcraft probably? I’m still convinced there is witchcraft involved, but there is also an incredible amount of skill, and time, and patience, and hard work, and love that is put into making a book a book. And learning what I did, and watching the process, and seeing the care that brunheiffer put into each of the three (THREE!) sets of books that were made (one for me, one for brunheiffer, one for J), was just stunning.

Do you know, J reached out to me and apologized for not asking me first and asked me if it was okay that she had reached out and asked if brunheiffer would do this for her? Why would I ever be against something so heartfelt and kind?

I cried.

I legitimately sat in my office and cried.

When people ask me how I write the way I do, or why I write, or anything along those lines. I have the same answer. “I write for myself.”

Oh sure, I started to write Bleating Hearts to make Ambra laugh and/or have feelings, but at the end of the day, when I write, it is because I need to get the bed time stories I tell myself at night, the day dreams while sitting on the bus, out of my head and somewhere else—so that a new movie can play. And when I write, I write knowing that I will come back to that story. That I will forget the little pieces (because I have a pretty shit memory tbh), and I’ll be able to go back, and wrap myself up in the comfort of the story I have written, and be surprised by some of the little details I left as presents for myself. And be excited. And be happy. And watch my favorite movie again.

So every time I see someone make art of this story, or talk about how they love the story, or how happy it made them, or the feelings it inspired, or how reading goats made them want to write their own fanfiction—I get, well, like my partner says, “verklempt.” I don’t know what to do with that feeling, other than to just be overwhelmed that somehow something I made to entertain me has brought other people so much joy. Has helped people connect and find community.

What a powerful and beautiful thing that is.

Not everything I write is going to be Bleati—y'all I am just going to call it Goats. Calling it Bleating Hearts feels so weird. It’s Goats. That’s the name of the story. That’s my name for the story.

Anyway.

Not everything is going to be Goats. I’ve got some wips in the hopper right now that are um…lots of angst and heavy spice. Not everything I write is going to be liked by everyone. Some of it may even offend you.

But knowing that this one thing has inspired you all to the point that I’ve been gifted the ability to hold my story in my hand?

That’s powerful.

And it only exists because this community, this Good Omens community, has come together and chosen joy.

There’s some bad apples out there, there are in every bunch. But I am liberal with my block button and have been blessed to find a welcoming and warm community that creates some amazing and incredible art—whether that’s like actual like digital or pen to paper art, or the fiction you write, or the podfics you record, or the meta analysis you write, or the playlists or the animatics or the beta reading or the shouting unhinged support or the role playing or the plushies, or the books you bind—this community is full of incredibly creative and amazing people.

So thanks, y’all, for letting me part of your community, and enjoying my silly little goat fic. And thank you brunheiffer and J for this amazing gift.

If you haven’t read it, or just want to reread it, you can read Bleating Hearts (GOATS) on Archive of Our Own.

All my love,

HK

(I am the most cringe sap on main right now. No regurts)

[sandinthepipes]

Me, a polyamorous person who quietly appreciates 99% of the ships, often conflicting and/or polycule:

"yeah, I don't like how they wrote this character/ship"

Any living soul:

"OMG ThEsE FUckInG SHiPpErs haVE To sHiT oN EvrYThInG THaT inTErFeRes wHIt TheIR PaIrINg!!!😡🤡!!!🤢!🤡!!🤡🤢!😡!!!!"

[horseluvr00-ff]

A Place to Call Home | Chapter 15

Masterlist Here

Rating: T+

Fandom: Marvel Cinematic Universe

Genre/Warnings: action/adventure/family | kidnapping, violence, strong language.

Story summary: It’s been a few months since the Battle of New York. Steve Rogers is acclimating to life when he crosses paths with teenager Katelyn Sanders, a SHIELD recruit and highly valued asset with a dark past. Follow Kate’s adventure from SHIELD asset to Avenger to wanted fugitive over the course of her youth and into adulthood with her Avenging family. Follows Infinity Saga and beyond.

Words: 7,860

Disclaimer: Majority of properties within this fanfic are owned by Marvel/Disney. My OC Katelyn Sanders, as well as a few other unaffiliated things within this fanfic are of my own creation.

Author Note: Chapters usually average between 6k-8k words, but range from 4k to 10k. Relogs are welcome :) Please no plagiarism or reposts on other platforms.

Full story available on FanFiction.net and A03 here and here

Chapter 15 can be found here and here in full. Go here to the full prologue tumblr post… So many options.

Check out a portion of Chapter 15 below:

The past few days with Kate Sanders around had kept the team busy. There hadn't been any action, Nat and Clint hadn't been called away on SHIELD business, and neither had Steve. The silence from the organization was keeping everyone on edge, but Kate served as a decent distraction from that fact.

Despite Tony offering multiple times to set the teen up in one of the spare rooms at the Tower, Kate was more comfortable staying in the small, converted medical space in Bruce's lab. Due to her injury still healing, she met with Bruce at least once a day for checkups, and a couple times throughout said day for a bandage change.

Natasha had set Kate up with some spare, comfortable clothes she used for training and lounging, and her, as well as the team, had spent the last few days trying to keep Kate busy, as well as integrate her into their daily schedules.

Kate was still pretty cautious of the team, however around certain people, or small groups of people, she displayed a certain confidence that more often than not, caught the team off guard. Towards the end of each day, once Kate had retired for the night, the team would discuss their experiences with the SHIELD recruit and talk over what they could do differently the next day, or what they could further do to make her more comfortable.

For Steve's sake, no one had brought up the still evident fact of determining Kate's future at the Tower. At some point, SHIELD would know she was with them. Most of the team feared what Steve may or may not do and allow when that day came. That aside, they let Steve set ground rules around the recruit's presence.

The morning hours were deemed vital amongst the team; it was the perfect time to set out potential plans for the day with their new guest, and Steve had set several rules for the morning hours. He wanted the whole team present for breakfast, at which they would all eat together and try to strike some normal conversation amongst themselves. They would leave their plans open for Kate to tag along, something Natasha agreed with, as it would be the easiest way to get the teen to crack and open up.

"Pass the toast please," Tony calls over, causing Clint to pick up the small plate before he passes it to Natasha and from there she passes it to Tony at one head of the table. "Thank you, Agent Romanoff," Tony mumbles with a smile before he proceeds with slapping some jam onto the toast with the butter knife.

Steve looks across the table, letting his eyes jump around his teammates before he looks down towards Kate who was sitting on his right with one piece of toast and turkey bacon. Her eyes jump around at everyone. While her gaze doesn't indicate any caution, she is still displaying some nervousness.

Her eyes fall back to her plate as she picks up the piece of toast and takes a small bite. The toast was just plain, no butter or jam on it.

"Want some butter?" Steve asks quietly as he gestures down towards her piece of toast.

Kate pauses mid-chewing, turning her eyes up towards him before her gaze falls back to her toast. Quickly chewing the small bite, she swallows before shaking her head.

"No thank you," She responds quietly, her gaze not meeting his as she proceeds to continue eating.

Steve gently nods to himself before he continues eating his eggs, his eyes jumping up to meet Natasha's for a brief moment before they turn towards Bruce who was sitting at the other head.

Kate was still a little wary around him. She talked to him, sure, but not as easily as with everyone else. Steve recalled Natasha's words multiple times over the last few days; a lot of time had gone by, and Kate had changed. He just needed to be patient with her.

"So, kid." Tony's words cause Steve to jump from his thoughts as he turns his eyes towards the Stark. "How're you doing? Was the check up this morning alright?"

Kate pauses, as she had set her toast down and was about to bite her piece of bacon. Lowering the food Kate swallows hesitantly before nodding.

"It was fine, thank you." Kate responds quietly, her eyes meeting Tony's for a brief time before they fall to her plate.

Tony watches the teen for a couple seconds before he exchanges a few small looks around the table.

Kate's comfort levels worked in funny ways. At the start of the day, she was nervous, and as the day went on, she got more and more comfortable. When night rolled around, it acted like a sort of reset button, and the next morning it started again with her being off put and nervous. However there were minuscule changes as time went on.

"The enhancements doing their job?" Tony further asks, his eyes on Kate before they go to Bruce. The enhancement… A concoction SHIELD created that could speed up the healing process. Sort of like taking an antibiotic or other remedy to speed up the body's natural processes to fight infection, injury, or any other ailment. This one helped with physical injuries like the one Kate had; dialing down the recovery period for faster healing.

At his words Kate pauses, her eyes on her plate before they snap towards Bruce, her head not moving as she briefly eyes him out of the corner of her eye.

"Yeah," Bruce nods, quickly wiping his mouth with his napkin before meeting Tony's eyes, briefly glancing towards Kate. "Deep tissue is healing nicely. I'd say within the next week or so she'll be good to go," Bruce smiles before turning towards Kate. His expression suddenly contorts before he shakes his head. "Not go- I just mean, you'll be-"

"I got it," Kate nods, giving a very small smile as she places her bacon down.

Clint smirks while chewing, exchanging a glance with Natasha. She could flip the switch at any time, going from nervous to more confident in seconds.

Steve smiles gently at the ease of her expression. The tension had seemingly lessened following the exchange of words.

"Kate are you sure you don't want anything else?" Steve asks gently, causing the teen's eyes to snap over towards the Captain. Steve waits a couple seconds, his eyes finding her plate that had her one half eaten piece of toast and her one piece of bacon.

"I'm alright, thank you," Kate nods, her hand finding her piece of bacon again. "I'm not used to eating too much," Kate responds a little quieter. "More comfortable with small portions," She adds, holding up the bacon before taking a small bite off of it.

Steve nods, his eyes meeting his own plate as a couple small conversations took over the table, giving him the opportunity to strike more conversation with Kate.

"Do you uh- like the turkey bacon?" He asks, holding up a piece of his own, his actions catching Kate's attention. "I was recently introduced to it, have you had it before?" He asks, taking a small bite off of his.

Kate nods while chewing, seconds later clearing her throat quietly.

"I haven't had it before, but, I do like it." Kate gives a small nod while meeting his eyes.

Steve smiles before nodding, his eyes finding his own plate after a couple seconds as he continues eating.

"Hey kid, we're heading down to the gym in a few. You wanna join?" Clint's question causes both Steve and Kate to turn their eyes towards the archer.

Kate is quiet for a few seconds, processing his words before she looks to Steve.

Steve eyes his friend with a small smile, appreciative of his invitation before he looks down towards Kate to see how she was taking the question. His expression falters a bit at seeing her eyeing him, almost in a manner that she was looking for his approval.

"You can go if you want to," Steve nods, gesturing out with a hand towards his teammates.

Seeming to take in the Captain's answer, Kate nods quietly before looking towards Clint and Natasha, giving a more prominent nod.

"Great," Clint smirks, quickly shoving the last bite of bacon into his mouth before he collects his plate.

Kate's eyes snap about quickly as both Clint and Natasha collect their dishes and take them to the sink. Her eyes quickly shoot down to her own plate as she goes to quickly pick up a piece of food.

"You can bring your plate, kid. You don't gotta sit here," Tony speaks up, a small amused smile on his face.

Kate meets Stark's eyes, then Steve's as the Captain gives her another small nod.

"Thank you," Kate mumbles quietly before collecting her plate as she gets to her feet.

"Let's go, kid." Clint chuckles, walking around the table to give Kate's shoulder a small pat before he turns his direction towards the elevator where Natasha was waiting.

Steve watches as Kate follows Clint towards the elevator, seconds later they're all inside the lift and the doors close.

It grows silent over the communal area and Steve turns his head forward once again.

"So everything's okay with her?" Steve asks, meeting Bruce's eyes.

Bruce is hesitant in his words, but ultimately gives a small nod, setting his utensil down.

"Yeah," Bruce responds. "I wasn't lying. She's doing very well,"

"There haven't been any- complications, or-"

"Do you know what her ability is?" Tony buts in, stuffing a spoon of grits into his mouth.

Steve pauses, glancing towards the Stark before glancing back at Bruce.

Steve doesn't want to press, but he was curious about that too.

Bruce is quiet, his eyes jumping between the two before he looks down at his plate with a small shake of his head.

"I don't,"

Steve clenches his jaw lightly before giving a little nod. While he didn't want to push Kate to disclose her ability, he knew it was something keeping the whole team on edge. Being in the dark about something that important regarding their guest was weighing on Steve. The team was playing along in letting Kate stay for the time being, but he needed to give them some sort of insight into what they were getting themselves into.

The rest of chapter 15 can be found here on FFN and here on AO3. Take a peak to keep reading!

Stay healthy, stay safe, sending lots of love. <3 

Masterlist Here

[neshabeingchildish]

Hello Stranger.

A few different things went into the creation of this fic. One was a request: “A story 10 years in the future. Henry has not seen or communicated with Charlotte in years. His best friend, Jasper sets him up on a blind date with an old friend.” Another was a chat with the fandom bestie about various ideas we both have the mind for but not necessarily the time for. But, what really made me definitely go for it/make the time for this one was me rewatching Moonlight and remembering the classic goodie that is Hello Stranger by Barbara Lewis. It’s not very long and I don’t have the time to make it longer, so hopefully, it’s enjoyable.

Hello Stranger.

Jasper knocked on Henry’s door and wondered, “Are you cancelling the date?” 

Henry was literally in his boxers with a bowl of Frittles and about to turn on the Dog Judge marathon on the classics channel. “Ohhh… Yeah… I guess, I am!” He reached for his phone to text Jasper’s friend, but Jasper snatched the phone and texted instead, So sorry! Running late. Will definitely be there. “There! She’s expecting you to be a little late. Let’s get you dressed, now!” He took the bowl, much to Henry’s dismay and pulled him up by the wrists.

“Dude, just because you just got engaged doesn’t mean I need to go on a date!”

“No, it doesn’t. But, you’re certainly not gonna cancel a surprise date that I worked my butt off to arrange for you to sit in your underwear eating chips!”

“Some people would kill to have that option…” Henry complained. Jasper was hearing none of it. This was probably the best date that Henry would ever have. He had been sinking more and more into his work and becoming numb in every other area of his life. He barely noticed when Jasper stopped coming home, when Jasper fell in love, and when Jasper got around to being so involved with his partner that he was now engaged and getting ready to plan the rest of his life. He hardly even seemed to care when Jasper told him. He’d simply said, “Okay, well, I can move into the gift shop. That office in the back has room for a little bed.”

No! Jasper didn’t want to see his best friend die, a sad, lonely old man, or worse… Be a soulless manbaby like Ray Manchester. He wanted to see him happy and in love, or at least among a friend or two. It couldn’t be Jasper, right now. He would do what he could, but planning a wedding, contemplating children, and selecting a family dog were all his top priorities for now… If only he could get his worries off of Henry’s lack of a social life. So, he set him up on a blind date with an old friend and wanted it to be a surprise to the both of them.

His plan - to get them there to meet up and then voila! Seeing each other should do the rest. But, he didn’t want too much anticipation, so he just referred to them as “A friend that I think you’d like,” and gave them contact numbers and got them to text what they would be wearing. Now, Henry was so disinterested in this date that he forgot it was even happening; nevermind what she was supposed to be wearing! But, Jasper searched the text and found Henry’s outfit to fit the description… But it was “like a flannel shirt or plaid or something and jeans and boots.” Jasper rolled his eyes. 

But her response had been, “Okay. Sounds casual. Then, I’ll have maybe a floral blouse and khaki shorts. I’ll throw a flower in my hair in case the place is riddled with cutiepies in khaki.”

Jasper wiped his face, “It’s like neither of them even want to do this.”

.

Charlotte was already at the bar, with a virgin drink in a coconut. If Jasper’s little friend was gonna be all casual and stuff, she decided on a pretty casual place, but one with great ambience that wasn’t too far from her house, in case he was a loser. He was friends with Jasper, so… She chuckled and shook her head. That wasn’t nice. Besides, you dated him! But, that was ages ago. She and Jasper. And, it was honestly unexpected and probably just a move of convenience. They’d just gotten so close being in the background of all of Kid Danger’s things… She smiled to herself. Kid Danger. Henry Hart… Now, what the heck was HE up to?

She wondered if he’d kept in touch with Jasper. He certainly hadn’t kept in touch with her. She hadn’t seen or spoken to Henry in 10 years, despite all of those “friends always” declarations they’d made over the years as friends. It was surprising to her, but she got it. The guy was a superhero. Keeping in touch couldn’t be easy. She wasn’t even a hero and even keeping in touch with Jasper had been difficult for her, especially in the past few years. Engaged??? That was bonkers to her. He was probably still a great guy and all, but that somebody was ready to marry him forever… That was… Incredible. 

“Charlotte Page?” She heard a voice say and she turned and SPEAK of the Devil!

“Henry Hart?” her face brightened and she smiled and said, “Wow! HI! Good to see you!” She reached for a hug. “What are you doing here?” She asked. Then, she winced a little. It’s a bar and grill. He’s probably here for dinner, ya gunch!

Well, he didn’t want to say that he was meeting a date. In fact… Now, he didn’t want to meet his date! In fact… He had to cancel that date and Jasper would just have to be mad at him later. Charlotte obviously noticed his hesitation and filled in the space with her own plans, “I’m uh… I’m meeting someone for dinner, but I think he’s running late, if you wanna try to catch up for a bit?”

“Yeah. I do. I’d love that. I’ve just gotta run to the bathroom and wash my hands, then I’ll be right back to see what the ever-beautiful Charlotte Page is up to these days.” Henry rushed off and she smiled at his retreating back, noticing that he was in plaid and jeans. Wait… She took her phone out to check the text, because that was pretty much what her Jasper date was supposed to be wearing, and that would be quite the coincidence if… Hey. It’s Jasper’s friend. So sorry. Something really important came up and I can’t make it. Hopefully you have a great night though. She looked suspicious. More and more, this was looking like… She saw Henry returning, and tossed her phone into her bag and tried not to drool over him. 

He looked good. Like really good. And… his plaid was gone. Why was his shit gone? He just had on a t-shirt now. “Spilled water on myself, like an idiot and had to ditch my shirt,” he said. 

She laughed at that. “How do you spill water on yourself washing your hands?”

“I actually remembered that I had to wash my face too and also brush my teeth…”

“How and why would you even leave your home without doing that?” She asked, pretty disgusted.

“Enough about me! What’s up with you? You look good. You said that you’re meeting somebody?”

“Yeah. Well, not anymore. My schedule has freed, so - you wanna be my date tonight?” As soon as it came forth from her lips, she regretted it and tried to correct herself, “Not like date, but you know, like a date, an old friend date or whatever… Not… It doesn’t have to be a date, but…”

“I’d love to be your date,” he said, cutting her off and beckoning the bartender over. “What are you drinking? Something girly?”

“Something fruity and alcohol free.”

“No drinking for Ms. Page?”

“Not while I’m on a date. It hinders the decision making portion of the brain.”

“You won’t be obnoxious about it if I order a drink, will you?”

“Absolutely not. I do find it harder to trust people’s words and actions when they’ve hindered the decision making portion of their brain, but a great deal of my business happens because of those types of mistakes.”

“Morbid. What kind of doctor are you?”

She laughed, “What makes you think that I’m a doctor?”

“Well, I remember that you were going to go into engineering or medicine. I just haven’t talked to you enough to know which direction you went in.”

“Well, I was an engineering major, but I changed halfway through college. Never EVER bring that up to my parents, because they are both still pissed at me, to this day! I had gone through a bad breakup and my ex was top of our class and in the same field. I wanted both some distance and a change, so I let her have that world and I dove head first into political science.”

“Her? Your ex was a her?” Henry asked smiling.

“Grow up, Henry. People should connect at soul.”

“No, I agree. I just didn’t know. I knew you and Jasper dated in college. I thought that was pretty funny.”

“I don’t know if I like the word funny to describe that. It was definitely not perfect, but Jasper will always have a special place in my heart. He’s a good friend and he was a good boyfriend. He just wasn’t one for a long journey.”

“One for a long journey?” The bartender came and Henry said, “Yeah, I just need a licorice soda with a lime.” She grimaced at that order. That sounded disgusting. But, he went back to the conversation, “What is one for a long journey?”

Charlotte smiled and said, “Well… I don’t believe in eternity. I don’t believe in soul mates. I don’t believe in ‘the one.’”

“Great date topic.”

“Don’t interrupt. What I do believe is that individuals evolve and develop and the people that we interact with add to and take away from our lives, in order for us to become our best selves. We have to use every connection that we have as a means to grow. People are there so that we can take a journey together that nobody else is equipped to take with us. Sometimes the journey is short. Mine and Jasper’s was because we were friends stepping out into a bright new world and scared shitless. We needed support and wanted romantic connection in the meantime. It was great for what we both needed at the time. He helped me to relax when I was stressed and I helped him to take things seriously. It flowed until neither of us were getting what we wanted or needed and both of us knew that the journey had ended. But, then I met someone who… if I did believe in soul mates, she could have been that… But, a couple of years later, I realized that even though it was a longer journey than Jasper’s, it wasn’t an endless journey. I also realized that my journey needed a detour.”

“All of that is so over my head. Basically what I heard is that you love being in love but it's being committed that you’re unsure of.”

“You heard a different monologue than I gave, I assure you,” she laughed. “I am very committed, as a friend, a lover, or a business associate. My trustworthy reputation is how I keep clients.”

“You never told me what you do! You went into political science… Wait! Are you a lawyer?”

She smiled and said, “I thought about it, but I wound up working as a political analyst after becoming popularized by my commentary on social media and ran out of the time and energy for law school. I did eventually take the bar exam in a state that lets you do that without finishing law school, but I only did that to say that I did it.” She laughed.

“Same overachieving Char. So, you built an online rep and wound up doing well.”

“Yep. I went into crisis management a couple of years ago and recently started my own firm.”

“Crisis management…”

“Like what Olivia Pope does, but not as sensational… or as dangerous. Though, I have definitely gotten death threats…”

Henry suddenly looked alarmed and went into protective mode, “From who? They ever find them?”

She laughed and said, “Calm down, Hero. No need to blow a bubble tonight… Is that still how you do it?” She wondered. He raised an eyebrow and finally got his soda. “You know what? After 10 years, it's totally inappropriate of me to wonder about that part of your life. I’m sorry I asked.”

“No. It’s alright. I mean… I always presumed that you knew I was still working.”

“I am definitely a Captain Danger fangirl,” she said and blushed slightly.

“He’s alright.”

“Not according to my research. He’s expanded outside of Swellview, Bordertown, Neighborville, Rivalton, and I heard that he might be looking to expand even as far as Metroburg.”

“Jasper’s not supposed to be telling people stuff, Man.”

“He’s really bad at secrets when it comes to me, but he did good this time. I had no idea that he was setting this up.”

“Setting what up?”

“...This date. Didn’t Jasper send you here to meet up with a friend of his tonight?”

“Yeah… Wait… That was you???”

“Yeah. You totally ditched me tonight to go on a date with a more charming, hotter woman.”

Henry was bright red in the face. “I am so sorry! Why didn’t he just say that he wanted us to meet up? He knows I hate blind dates.”

“Maybe he didn’t think you’d want to see me. Last time we talked, it was pretty… uncertain how things would go. Then, we never talked again. Whenever we were dating, he would always ask, ‘Have you and Henry still not talked?’ and I’d tell him that you never call.”

“You never called, either.”

“I didn’t think it should be up to me. You were the one who was angry. I gave you space. I guess Jasper decided it was too much space.”

“Jasper decided that he didn’t want to see me move onto a cot in office of the florist and gift shop that I opened a floor above Junk n’ Stuff, because that’s what I intend to do since my roommate is getting married and it’d be a dick move to try to get him to move out of our apartment.”

“Jasper and Donovan are not moving into that apartment. They’ve got a house.”

“Jasper and Donovan have a house?”

“Donovan has a house and they’ll expect Jasper to move in, I’m sure…” She squinted her eyes and reminded him, “You know that Donovan’s pronouns are they, their, them?”

“Right. I do know that. Because, I was definitely told that. And I definitely can’t determine outside of that who Donovan might be.”

“You are borderline being transphobic. Donovan is nonbinary and they look androgynous, but anything beyond that is quite frankly none of our business.”

“I wasn’t being phobic. I just never really got a chance to be around this person much and now Jasper is marrying them? Like… Where did the time go? Where did my friends go?” He blinked a little and Charlotte reached out and held his hand. He looked at their hands, then into her eyes.

“Whoever you need on your journey will definitely be in your path whenever you do need them.” She smiled and squeezed his hand, “It feels good to be back…. You want to order something to eat?” His thumb caressed her skin and he nodded. She grabbed the menu that had been sitting in front of her this entire time and said, “I heard this place had a rockin’ jackfruit menu.”

“Jackfruit? They have a tomahawk steak called the Hunk o’ Cow… It’s like… It’s the best thing I’ve ever eaten.”

“I’m not eating a hunk of cow. Oooh, I see the jackfruit menu. This jackfruit poke bowl sounds good.”

“It absolutely does not!” 

.

After dinner, Henry walked Charlotte to her car and she was unsure if they should hug it out, kiss, if she should invite him to her place, ask to come to his… “Hey… I had a really great time. If this was a date with anyone else, I might wonder if they would like a nightcap. Me and you… There’s just so much history in the air. But, if you’re fine with us taking a different journey than we initially had before, my place isn’t far.”

Henry wrapped his hands around Charlotte’s waist and pulled her to himself for a hug. He felt her shiver in his touch and as much as he enjoyed that, she was right. There was a lot of history there and in his opinion, not nearly as much catching up as he needed in order to let his guard down with her yet. “That sounds amazing, but maybe another time? I definitely want some kind of journey with you. Just… Maybe a slow one, if that’s okay?” 

She smiled and nodded. “Of course it is.” She gave him a kiss on the cheek and got into her car. “You have my number now. Call me. Don’t wait ten years.” 

“You kidding. You might be stuck on a very long journey with me, now.”

“Don’t threaten me with a good time,” she said and winked. “It was really good to see you, Hen.” She started her car and this song began to play on the satellite station she had on. She heard the words and wondered if that was some kind of sign as she drove home. 

[natashabarnes]

To preface:  Avengers: Endgame shook me to my core and I needed to find a constructive, healthy way to talk about what I am feeling and this seemed as good a way as any. This is an endeavor seeking emotional intelligence. So I’m here to talk about how media can affect us, honest-to-goodness grief, and yeah sure, my opinions and most importantly, Natasha Romanoff. There will be spoilers, obviously. You’ve been warned.

It’s late afternoon on Friday, May 7th, 2010.  I’m a super-soon-to-be-college-graduate, and I’ve just missed my bus home.  There are few places grimmer than where I currently found myself: the Inter-City Bus Terminal in Reading, Pennsylvania. The good news was that buses from Reading to New York ran roughly every two or three hours most of the day, I was going to be fine. I was going to be late, but I was going to be fine.  At the risk of sounding dramatic, I didn’t know it but I had a date with destiny that evening. Since I couldn’t imagine sitting around and waiting in a bleak af bus terminal, I sought refuge a mere block-and-a-half away at the R/C Reading Movies 11 & IMAX. Lucky for me, I was able to schlep my suitcase and (always) large purse over right in time for a showing of Iron Man 2. I remembered Iron Man (2008) to be a whole lot of fun so I sprung for a movie ticket to be able to watch most of Iron Man 2 before I had to catch my bus.  I knew nothing about this film going in and I was having a good time up until the moment Scarlett Johansson came on screen as Natalie Rushman (who even me, a noob S.H.I.E.L.D./espionage sector of Marvel, knew was actually Natasha Romanoff, aka the Black Widow).  Once she made her entrance into Tony Stark’s personal fitness center, I wasn’t having a good time, I was having a great time…and also a weird time.  I was in complete awe of her; I hung on her every word, her every move.  Everything about her radiated a sense of intelligence, purpose, intention, and most alluring to me, confidence.  Looking back I realize I was seeing the kind of woman I wanted to be; not only did she have every trait I wanted as a person, she seemed to be this unattainable personified perfection.  At the time, I wrote off my fascination with her pretty quickly as the voice in my head said “but you’ll never be like that, you know that, right? You’ll never have those things.” I had to leave to catch my bus just as Rhodey showed up to Justin Hammer’s Stark Expo presentation and at the time that was pretty much that.

Let’s skip ahead.  It’s the evening of Wednesday, April 24th, 2019.  Thanks to the kindness of my best friend/basically sister, I was able to see Avengers: Endgame a day early.  I’m a mess.  I’m soaking wet from the collar bone up and my eye makeup is every place on my face with the exception of my eyes.  I’ve been sitting for over three hours and somehow I’m out of breath, my sweat is cold. My status of Full Blown Mess was credited to the fact that I had to watch Natasha Romanoff die violently, fiercely, and courageously.  The shock I felt that night was all-consuming.  I kept saying to my friend through hard sobs, “I just thought she’d be safe. I really thought she’d be safe.”  So many people I know at this event found me after the fact to check in with me.  Am I okay? Do I need anything?  The only answer I came up with on the fly was “I will be, it hurts now. But I’m just…so proud of her.”  More on that later, but basically, people were so kind and if I had to be a mess, at least I was among people who also cared and understood where I was coming from. While my friend engaged in a last bit of work for the day, I sat waiting, attempting to calm down by staring at costume designer Jany Temime’s recent Instagram post where she selfied with Scarlett expressing excitement about working on the upcoming Black Widow film. I reminded myself that this night was not goodbye, just a very jarring “see ya later.”  Of course the present is not necessarily made easier to bear just because more (and potentially the best) is yet to come.

What a difference nine years made.  I’d gone from casual move-going fan who’d only read Spider-Man comics when I had time to being a hardcore, ride-or-die fan of Marvel Comics and the Marvel Cinematic Universe. My library had grown exponentially, along with my knowledge of these characters, and let’s not overlook my closet’s growth after falling into the deep pit of cosplay. I can’t exactly put my finger on the “when” of it, but at some point I stopped stifling the portion of my heart that belonged to superheroes and let them take over with complete abandon.  I’d always had a heavy habit of trying to be what other people wanted me to be.  Though I may have lived very independently, in retrospect my choices and interests were so often chosen for the satisfaction of other people (I am not assigning blame to anyone but myself on this one). Superheroes serve as a perfect example of a passion of mine I chose to shut down for so long. Once I leaned into that passion, I felt so much more complete.  It’s no surprise that Natasha Romanoff was the character I ended up being most passionate about.  

Natasha is a strong woman who spent a lot of her life in the service of others across moral and political spectrums.  She followed their orders always and has plenty of regrets about her past.  Maybe I was self-projecting, but throughout my dedicated years as an MCU viewer and Black Widow comic reader, I always saw Natasha’s arc as two parts:

1) a woman coming to terms with what she’s been and what she’s done seeking to move forward in a more universally beneficial direction.

2)  a woman learning who she is, what she wants and choosing to act of her own volition.

Obviously the two are deeply connected. While her past experiences may have made her moral compass more grey than that of her peers, she’s a woman who wants the Right Thing To Do to be the choice she makes of her own agency.  There’s a beautiful deleted scene from Captain America: The Winter Soldier where Nat speaks to Nick Fury for the first time in confidence after discovering he faked his death and did not include in on the secret.  “I needed to keep the circle small.  You would have done the same thing,” he says.  “I know,” she replies, “that’s a problem.”  A scene she has with Steve Rogers discussing trust that made the final cut achieves a similar idea.  In past appearances in the MCU, Natasha had expressed a desire to make amends for her past and seemingly had started to do so through her work with S.H.I.E.L.D. and her participation the Battle of New York.  These moments in Cap2, as the fandom frequently refers to it fondly, are less about her outward actions and more about her inward struggles. What she seems to learn by the end of the film is that letting people in is a key part of her goal of a truer sense of self.  By the time we meet her in Captain America: Civil War, within the first hour of the film she delivers one of my favorite quotes as the family around her begins to split apart, “Staying together is more important than how we stay together.”  Nat’s journey continued to be one of finding self-possession, self worth and using that greater sense of self to give back to others, both the found family around her and the innocent she can protect.  

With all of this in mind, Avengers: Endgame is my favorite MCU film and features my favorite Natasha Romanoff content we’ve seen so far.  From the moment the film begins, she is a woman hell-bent on remedying the greatest tragedy in the history of the world.  Long gone is the woman we met in her first two films who did the bidding of an organization and/or focused mainly on giving back to those she felt she owed. In Endgame, Natasha aims to save the world, to bring back everyone lost, to restore families.  We first see this when she agrees to find Thanos with the team and reverse the snap. When that mission fails, we skip ahead five years and that’s when I personally really lost it. In five years, Natasha has never stopped trying to fix the world. Let’s be clear, every other member of the original six Avengers most definitely has stopped trying to find an antidote to The Thanos Problem.  Sure, Steve is trying to fix things in a different, more practical way, but there’s still an acceptance of the circumstances in his actions.  The sight of her alone broke my heart and filled me with a sense of honor.  This is a woman we have always seen in control and put together and when we find her she is a noble, beautiful wreck. She’s abandoned most self care, wearing only her depression clothes, and surviving off hope and peanut butter sandwiches desperately communicating with allies around the universe. These people make time for her but are clearly losing patience with her and her insistence that not only can this be fixed, but that it is all of their responsibility to do so.  And in case it wasn’t obvious enough how much she’s changed, this scene gives us what I believe will be (for now at least) Nat’s most iconic moment on screen.  “I used to have nothing, and then I got this…this job, this family.  And I was better because of it.  And even though they’re gone…I’m still trying to be better.”  Nat sums up her entire character arc in this one delicate and stunning moment showing just how strong allowing herself to be vulnerable has made her.  Loving has only made her braver, caring has only made her more tenacious, and giving has made her unstoppable.  She is, in this moment, the woman she always wanted to become.

Remembering the aforementioned scene is absolutely necessary when absorbing Natasha’s choice later in the movie to sacrifice her life so that her team can get the soul stone.  Her entire life has lead her to this moment. Yes, killing off the only female from your original team is a bold move with a LOT of weight attached to it, and one that can definitely be seen as shortchanging her, but I just can’t see it that way. Natasha Romanoff made the ultimate heroic choice, one that the rest of the film hinges on.  My brain can’t navigate the concept that fans have been robbed of her unnecessarily without also hearing a diminishing of the selfless choice she made and the course she followed in the time we’ve known her and beyond.  It’s only when I think of the alternate concept of Clint dying for the soul stone that I feel completely, hypothetically swindled (though while we’re talking about him let’s also not forget how excellent it was to see a man and a woman with no blood relation platonically love one another unconditionally).  Please don’t misunderstand, if you are angry, I respect that, we all deal with stuff different ways, this is just my take.  Natasha Romanoff earned that moment.  Is it devastating to watch? One thousand percent yes, but what I felt even more deeply than the devastation was pride.  I am so proud of this character that in no way can I bring myself to see this choice as abuse or mistreatment of her character.  In that moment, she was magnificent.  Natasha Romanoff died valiantly, unafraid, and of her own free will so that everyone else could live.  Natasha is a hero of the highest standard, full stop.

Entertainment Weekly recently featured a half-hour interview with the original six Avengers to promote Endgame. I was more than moved to hear Scarlett speak about Nat’s arc and confirm what I’d been absorbing as an audience member for years.  “She’s come into her own as a woman saying ‘who am I and what do I want and what do I need out of my relationships and also out of my own self’ and she’s someone who is understanding her own self worth.”  Without going into deep detail, watching Scarlett’s performance as Natasha has affected me in a way I can only describe as profound.  Every MCU film she appeared in had at least one moment that hit a nerve inside me in ways equally gentle and harsh, but still every nerve was hit with the reassurance of knowing that if she could change, I could too.  Catalysts for personal growth can come from anywhere and at my most lost somehow I remembered that moment sitting in a theatre watching Iron Man 2.  Something in my brain told me to follow that feeling I had watching her, not in an effort to emulate her completely, but to see an example of someone one who is “my own woman–first, last and always.”  Natasha taught me that self love, self worth and opening yourself to others are traits more powerful than lightning, stronger than a suit of armor and they’d protect me more than a shield.  In the years I’ve watched and read this character, my life has changed for the better in every way.  She’s been a gift to me and the gratitude I feel is overwhelming.  I may have saved myself, but Natasha taught me how.  As fans I think we all love having more media to look forward to, especially when that media features an inspirational figure for us.  Before Endgame I’d frequently have passing thoughts reminding me that someday the time of Scarlett’s particular incarnation of Natasha will be over.  Who would I be without this character? After Endgame, I’m less afraid of that future.  No matter what form of this character I will have in my life, I will always follow her example and I will try to be better.  

[sage-nebula]

For the autumn asks : Pumpkin, Cinnamon, Crow.

Crow:  Which school subject do you wish you had an aptitude for?

Math.

Truth be told, it’s less that I even wish I had an aptitude for it, per se, and more that I wish that it was possible for me at all. I can do basic math, and I memorized my multiplication tables because I wasn’t allowed to eat until I could recite them, but I still don’t know how to do long division (does that count as basic?), and I have a diagnosed learning disability as it pertains to mathematics. It’s difficult for me to gauge distances, time management is a real struggle, and all of this goes back to the fact that my brain is wired in such a way that holding numbers in my head and understanding mathematical concepts is nigh impossible. I had to have my math general education credit waived during my undergrad because I tried to get it four separate times, in different courses, and just could not pass with a grade high enough in a course that qualified to get the credit. I gave myself stomach ulcers to get a C in Basic Math, only to have that not count. When I took College Algebra, I would understand the lesson all right when I was in the class, but when I’d try to do my homework at home, I’d have to re-teach myself the material using the book. Ten problems would take me two or three hours to complete, and you can’t use the book on the exams, so I was basically screwed. How I ever managed to get through math in K-12 is a wonder, but the fact that I did fail geometry junior year and had to attend summer school for it isn’t a surprise at all, in retrospect.

All of that said, not only do I wish that I didn’t have a learning disability because of the sheer Hell it put me through, but I also wish that I had mathematical ability because a lot of the fields I’m interested in require it. Anything pertaining to space exploration or travel is barred to me, because the sciences that go into that field are math-heavy. Computer programming not only requires some mathematical ability, but programming itself is heavily rooted in a type of reasoning that leans heavily into the mathematical portion of one’s brain. It’s something that my brain just cannot process, no matter how much I would love to learn (and believe me, I would love to learn, and I have tried to learn, but it’s like there’s a block there I just can’t get past). My brain just will not hold or process those numbers.

So when I say “I hate math,” it’s not so much that I hate math itself as much as it is that I hate all of the time I spent crying because I felt like I was too stupid to do understand simple math problems. I hate the stomach ulcers I gave myself in university, and the emotional breakdowns I had because I thought I wouldn’t be able to graduate with my creative writing degree because I couldn’t pass a math course. I hate the fact that there are so many beautiful parts to math, such as the fact that it’s the universal language that everyone theoretically should be able to understand and learn, but that I can’t because my brain simply won’t process it. And to be honest, I hate people when talk about how, oh, yeah, math is frustrating, but they can at least still learn it, their brains can still at least process it if they try, whereas I can’t. It’s not just that I don’t want to, or that it’s a bit hard but I can do it, it’s that I have tried, and tried, and tried for hours straight, to the point of making myself physically sick, and I cannot. 

So I don’t hate math. I hate my learning disability which has made math cause me actual, physical pain, and has barred me from subjects I otherwise have vested interest in (and has made some things, like science, insanely difficult). I really wish math and I could be friends. I really, really do.

Cinnamon:  If you had to live in a time period different than the present, which would you choose and where?

THE FUTURE!

It’s hard to be more specific than that, because I’m not sure what the future holds. But whatever it holds, I’d like to think it’s better than the present, and it can’t be worse than the past. Honestly, so many people want to travel backwards in time, and I just---why? What is appealing about the past? Technology is worse the farther back you go. If you go back far enough, there is no indoor plumbing, and showers might not be commonplace. Public transportion is worse. Like . . . the past holds nothing of value. We can learn from the past, absolutely, but why would anyone want to live there? It’s gross and inconvenient. Let’s leave the past in the past where it belongs, and look instead to the future.

Think of how many incredible things the future could have. Technology could be so advanced and commonplace that universal translation devices might be $30 at most. Language barriers would be a thing of the past---we could all communicate. What if we have teleportation machines as a means of public transportation? What if we have luggage and bags that are Bags of Holding, that are their own personal, pocket dimensions that can store anything? There are so many cool inventions that are in the process of being made, and this is all technology that will make our lives better. New medicines, vaccines, and antibiotics are being discovered on the daily. Our space exploration programs are discovering new planets, and are discovering new things about known planets that could, potentially, get us off this wretched planet and into space one day. The future is where it’s at. The future has to be better than this. Or even if it doesn’t have to be, I hope it is, and we know for a fact that the past is not, so that needs to just be discarded and swept away.

I want the future to be better. And if you ask me if I prefer the future or the past, I’m going to pick the future every time. Get me a world of tech and innovation, where everyone can live freely and happily, where we’re actively striving to make each day better than the one before it. That’s the world I dream of. That’s the one I want.

Pumpkin:  Do you think that humans are inherently good or bad?

That’s a complicated question, and . . . I think it depends on the individual.

I think the word “inherently” is the main rub here. What does that mean, precisely? I think it dials down to the nature vs. nurture argument. Are we who we are when we’re born? Or are we who we are based on the environment we’re raised in, and how we’re raised within that environment? In other words, does the tabula rasa theory hold water, or not? And I think that it’s a little bit of both. I do think there are some innate qualities that we, as individuals, have, and would have no matter what. The fact that even infants can be different in terms of temperament and demeanor (e.g. I was apparently very, very quiet as a baby and didn’t cry much at all, but my older sister was apparently much fussier and more high maintenance) shows as much. Some people are bound to be more naturally determined, or more naturally shy, than others, regardless of the environment they grow up in. Some people simply are. But I also think it’s undeniable that our environments do shape us. Things like ethics, morals, virtues---these are things we’re taught to believe. And it isn’t just that. I’ve talked before about how I have C-PTSD thanks to my life expereinces, and C-PTSD is something that shapes how you behave, and how you view and interact with the world. It shapes you as you grow. I’m not sure who I would be if I didn’t have C-PTSD affecting how I see and interact with the world, and though I’ve attended therapy in an effort to recover (and though I’ve been practicing things like CBT to try and help myself heal), that doesn’t change the fact that my life experiences did shape me as a person, even though C-PTSD manifested in my psyche. (And to give an idea of how much C-PTSD affects a person, it’s sometimes recognized as a personality disorder, and can sometimes resemble BPD. So, yeah . . . it really does shape how someone develops.) How we’re raised does affect who we are as people. Our environment does shape us. So while I do think there are certain parts of our personalities that are innate, I also think that our environment plays a part in that as well. It’s not nature or nurture. It’s nature and nurture.

So to get back to the original question, what does that mean in terms of being good or bad? Well, first we must remember that “good” and “bad” are subjective. While there are some things that we as a society can generally agree upon as being good or bad (e.g. it’s good to be generous and charitable, it’s bad to murder), even then there are often qualifiers that vary from person to person. Is it wrong and bad to take a life no matter the circumstances? Or is it justified if it’s in the defense of yourself or others, or punishment for especially heinous crimes? Is it always wrong to steal, or is it justified if it’s to feed your family? Things like that---questions like that all come down to subjective beliefs and ideals. It’s why, to use a fandom example, Gryffindors are not always heroic. Gryffindors are driven by the question of Right or Wrong, but what is Right and what is Wrong varies from Gryffindor to Gryffindor. Even if a Gryffindor maintains that their ideal of Right is objectively Right, in the end it is still subjective. It’s something you feel in your gut, in your heart. There is no one answer that everyone in the world will agere with, even if many do.

So at the heart of it, what we’re dealing with is subjectivity, and even then we’re dealing with subjectivity in a nebulous area where it’s difficult to ascertain what is inherently true of an individual. Does it still count as inherent if some of their worse behaviors or beliefs are a result of the environment they were raised in? Does it count as inherent if they could potentially be swayed from these things? It’s difficult to say, and I feel that everyone would have a different take on it.

As for me . . .

At the end of the day, I think that trying to make blanket statements about humanity like this one way or the other is a mistake. As I’ve said, it depends on the individual. Yes, I do believe that there are some people---some human beings---who are simply evil. I know that people rail against this idea. You have people who try to appear “enlightened” in fandom maintaining that characters who are simply evil and awful are unrealistic, because everyone has some tragic backstory to explain their actions, or some shade of grey that makes them better, and you also have people who try to be enlightened in a different sense pointing out how all heinous people have loved ones and soft interests, and therefore it’s wrong to label people as monsters. I think that both of those so-called “enlightened” opinions are wrong. Even if someone has a tragic backstory, or even if they have some reason that they believe justifies their actions, there are some heinous actions that simply cannot be excused or sympathized with, regardless of the reason. And even if those heinous people have loved ones, that doesn’t matter. Being nice to your significant other doesn’t excuse the dozen children you raped and murdered. Liking dogs doesn’t change the fact that you believe in the systemic slaughter of millions. And even going away from extremes like that, there are people in this world who simply enjoy causing others pain. Dolores Umbridge is a horrible, horrible person. She is, at her core, evil, even if she doesn’t commit acts that are as outright heinous as, say, Voldemort (at least on the surface, because let’s not forget her willing service when the Ministry was sending muggleborns off to Azkaban for the crime of “stealing” magic). And she’s such a reviled villain in the fandom because of her realism, because for as many heinous and awful things as she does, we’ve still encountered people like her in real life who enjoy making life difficult and painful for others. People like Umbridge, who have no redeeming qualities on the surface (aside from maybe liking cats) exist. There are people like that. There are people who like to see others suffer, who are selfish, malicious, wretched people. We have political leaders in our history---in the world’s history, from pretty much every country---who have passionately believed in the horrid things they did. Practically every country on this earth has a bloody history because, at some point in time, heinous people believed that they were justified in their atrocities. And yes, I do believe that those people, however justified they felt they were, were evil. There is a saying that crops up again and again in JRPGs, and that saying is, “If there is evil in this world, it lurks in the hearts of men.” And I believe that’s a saying for a reason. I think it’s true. I think there are people out there who are, at the heart of it, evil, regardless of how justified they believe they are.

But on the flipside, there are people who are good, too. There are people who dedicate their lives to charity, to saving others, to protecting those who can’t protect themselves. Just as there are people who are, for whatever reason, evil, there are people who are good, too. The history of the world is bloody, but when atrocities happen there are those who oppose them, and those who oppose the atrocities are good. Those who gain true joy and fulfillment from helping, rather than hurting, others are good. Those people exist, too.

Again, I don’t like making blanket statement about humanity. I do think that visions of the future where everyone shares everything out of the goodness of their hearts are idealistic and unrealistic. But I also think that visions of the future where everything is bleak, and everyone hates everyone else are pessimistic and unrealistic. It all comes down to the individual. It’s our actions, and how we feel about those actions, that ultimately defines who we are. I do think there are some people that are just evil. But I also think there are some people that are just good. And I think that there are a lot of people who waver between the two, who simply are, who are doing their best, the best they can.

It’s a really complicated question, but that’s where I’m at with it right now.

[fansplaining]

A reader letter from grace_adieu!

In Episode 42, we read a portion of this letter, sent to us by email from @grace-adieu. We wanted to publish the full letter as well, since we didn’t have time to read the whole thing, and she makes many great points that we didn’t cover in the episode!

Hi Flourish and Elizabeth!  

I was recently recommended your podcast by some friends from a community established during the wake of the dearly departed Toast and have basically spent the past week listening to the full back catalogue.  This has had the side effect of making me have all the feelings on fandom, so I apologize in advance for how long winded this is about to be.

For some context, I was first introduced to fandom at about 12 in the early 2000s via Harry Potter fic on ff.net.  Somewhat bizarrely, I was introduced to it by my dad, who had seen an article about fanfiction in our local paper and wanted to be supportive of his daughter’s nerdery.  The article was very positive and focused on how cool it was that teenage girls were writing stories for fun, so it is less weird than the current mainstream idea that all fic=porn would make it seem, even though I did end up spending an embarrassingly large portion of my adolescence reading angsty Snape/Hermione fic (I take solace in the fact that that even at my angstiest, I was at least never a fan of Pawn to Queen).

As an adult, however, my primary fandoms tend to be video game fandoms (Dragon Age, Mass Effect, Fallout, Life is Strange, Dishonored) and my engagement with them has been overall quite similar to my engagement with my non-video game fandoms (Harry Potter, MCU, Hannibal).  As a result, I was puzzled by the “Games and Fandom” episode’s framing of video game fandom as being separate from transformational fandom.  While the stereotypical video game fan is certainly thought of as male and involved in affirmational fandom (if they are involved with the work beyond the level of consumption/enjoyment at all), there is a sizable portion of video game fandom that does not align with either of those stereotypes.  Additionally, there is a significant amount of fanfic written for video game fandoms (AO3 has ~41k Dragon Age fics, which is several thousand more than the number of Doctor Who fics on that site). As a result, rather than comparing female/transformational fandom as a whole to male/affirmational video game fandom, I would say there there is a pretty distinctive split within the video game fandom between female/transformational and male/affirmational modes of engagement.

The two most obvious differences I see between transformative video game fandom and other transformative fandoms are the decreased focus on rooting for ships to become canon and the increased focus on OCs, both of which seem to stem from the fact that the most popular video game fandoms tend to be for games with branching narratives and customizable protagonists.  Being able to make your own player character and control their choices throughout the game (or at the very least, control who they romance) means that, unlike movies/tv/books etc., there is no one true canon, but a wide range of possible canons.  Thus, while people have plenty of opinions about which romances are the best written or the most emotionally satisfying, there is no motivation to push one ship as being “ the canon ship” since, in general, the existence of other canonical ships poses no threat to the status of an individual’s OTP.  I can’t imagine there ever being a Harry/Hermione vs Ron/Hermione style ship war in the Dragon Age fandom for example.

In a similar vein, I think that the structure of RPGs has led to the video game fandom being more interested in the creation of OCs.  While some people choose to essentially replicate themselves in the world of the game, it is common for people to take it as an opportunity to create entirely new characters.  As a result you don’t see the same kind of stigma around OCs that you do in other fandoms (no one assumes that fic featuring an OC is going to be an awkward author self insert because almost all of the fic for the fandom features an OC) and you frequently encounter people who intensely develop their OCs lives/backstories via fic/fanart/short headcanons etc.  You also see fans interacting with other fan’s OCs by submitting tumblr asks, creating fanart, and sometimes including them as side characters in their own fics.    

This next paragraph is a bit of an aside, but basically to see if I was talking out of my ass about the idea of there being a gender based split within the fandom in terms of modes of engagement, I looked at the video game franchises with the highest number of fics on AO3 and found that of the top 5 franchises (Dragon Age, Final Fantasy, Mass Effect, Fallout and Overwatch) only Final Fantasy featured primarily male protagonists/player characters.  The rest either had customizable protagonists (Dragon Age, Mass Effect, Fallout) or had roughly similar numbers of male and female playable characters (Overwatch currently has 9 women and 10 men, not counting genderless robot characters or the male gorilla).  Furthermore, when you compare games that are similar in many aspects, but differ in terms of whether or not you can play as a woman, the difference in the level of transformative fandom engagement can be quite stark.  For example, Dragon Age: Inquisition and The Witcher 3: The Wild Hunt are both incredibly popular, critically acclaimed games that came out in the past couple years.  Both are action RPGs set in a version of fantasy medieval Europe with a heavy focus on magic, romance subplots and player choice.  However, while DAI has a customizable protagonist, thus allowing you to play as a woman, TW3 has a set, male protagonist.  Correspondingly, DAI has ~21k fics while TW3 has only 273 (and while I don’t have sales numbers, there is absolutely no way that DAI is 100 times more popular than TW3.  If anything, TW3 is more popular).  Working off of the assumption that women are more likely to play games when they can play as a woman, it seems that the idea of a split based on gender has some basis?

I also was really interested in your discussions about the definition of fandom, especially the idea that a lot of people view “being a fan” and “being in fandom” as more or less the same thing.  To me, being a fan just means that you enjoy the original work, while being in fandom requires a level of further engagement.  I also don’t think that being in a fandom necessarily means that you are a fan of the original work.  While I have trouble seeing someone engaging in affirmational fandom without being a fan, I definitely enjoy transformative works for fandoms where I do not like the source material.  For example, I can’t stand the Star Wars movies, but love jedistormpilot fics.  Additionally, I entered the Harry Potter fandom as a fan of the original work, but as time went on, grew to dislike the books/movies while still loving the fandom.  I know you talked about this a little when you mentioned having read Teen Wolf fic without having ever watched the show, but I think transformative fandom’s ability to take aspects of a work I dislike and build it into something I love is really special.  

Sorry if this is a bit disjointed, I just really wanted to get my thoughts out.  I love the podcast, and while I don’t always agree with what is said, the discussion never fails to be engaging and informative.  I also wanted to thank you for doing such a great job on the Race and Fandom episodes.  I was initially a bit apprehensive about listening to them because I’m used to otherwise intelligent and sensitive white people having a big ol’ blind spot when it comes to race, so the fact that they featured so many really wonderful guests of color (seriously, I just want to listen to Rukmini Pande talk about fandom forever) meant a lot to me as a fan of color.

Looking forward to future episodes!