#like i call myself an ''extrovert'' because it's the most simple and sane-sounding way to describe my experiences

[alastors-wife]

:/

[8mike3-blog]

Most people will probably never read this, and most who do will ignore or forget it. Good luck.

I have nothing to say on religion or society, it has been said and is still being said, it falls on deaf ears. I only want to bring to light one simple concept, and hope that it will take root in another until it blooms. We are taught from birth that we are nothing. We are taught that some are born with gifts and others are not. Some can run, some can’t. A rare few can sing or dance. Most are uncoordinated and destined to stay that way. Those that create are revered and set apart, a special existence. Those that move and do, those that seem to live every moment in the moment, they are different, they are special.We accept that we are right handed and exercise is boring, unpleasant work That happens to be good for this thing we call a body. We believe ourselves to be more than an animal. We have come to believe that we are apart from our bodies, a mind that simply inhabits a physical form. Therefore our bodies must be unwieldy, must be uncoordinated, simply because we must dictate our every action. Put away disbelief for a moment. Set a timer. For the next fifteen minutes. Allow yourself to consider an idea contrary to your own as a possibility during this time, and tell yourself you can discard every single bit of it in fifteen minutes, but until then you must consider it a possibility. I do not ask for more than simply considering it a possibility for fifteen minutes, and in return I offer the possibility of happiness, a life full of fulfillment, and a complete break from all the pain that racks your soul. When the timer goes off, well then I’ve had my shot, if it isn’t something you want to believe, throw it away and forget about it, treat this as garbage and filth, it won’t mind and neither will I. What I ask you to consider is that we are not more than the dogs or the cats or the birds. That there is no grand plan, no most perfect path to find and follow. We are alive for the same reason the dog is alive. We are lucky to exist in the universe, however it came to be or was created. Consider the implications of that and you will begin to see what I mean. If we are not more than a wolf, if there is no good or evil forces tugging at our hearts and minds all the time, if there is no devil forcing you to repeat the same mistakes, if there is no god who has a most perfect path you should be searching for and travelling down, then we must believe for ourselves like most of us believe for every animal and insect, that when we die we really end. What are the implications then? The implications are that everything you know is wrong, everything you know is predicated on the idea that someone else’s experience dictates truth to your own experience. They tell you you are right handed or uncoordinated or tone deaf. You label yourself. American. Religious. Atheist. Political. Introvert. Extrovert. Crazy, Schizophrenic. Sane. But since you are still on my time you must consider that these are all sounds we have developed and agreed upon to describe an observed phenomenon. What if we are nothing more than a monkey precursor evolved and developed intelligence? When you think you are tired or lazy or crazy or weird or stupid, consider that those were always just descriptors to aid in communication, a label created in order to make communication possible on a slightly less rudimentary level. What if you actually were a homo sapien? Then there is no right, there is no perfect, there is no normal or best and even no wrong- but doesn’t that mean you get to choose what you think is right, what you like, what you enjoy? What if you are ambidextrous, and a dancer, and a singer, and an artist, because the idea of a cheetah that can’t run or a bird can’t sing or a squirrel that can’t climb a tree is a ridiculous concept to us. We then proceed to believe that our non dominant hand is useless, that our legs our as stone and our voices stagnant, our handwriting “naturally” sloppy,  the idea of things are the way they are simply because. What if it is because when we were young we learned with one hand first and were told from then on that it was the only one we needed and the other an excess appendage that came in handy and balanced out your form. What if because you were not born in a house with dancers and never had experience with moving your body, you thought you could not. What if nothing was weird because weird was nothing more than not normal, and we decided what normal was in the first place. Who are you? What can you do? What is your Path? What if all those questions were meaningless?  What if we were alive, like the “beast”, simply to be alive? Please don’t get scared and shy away, my time is not up. Instead consider that that is not depressing, only that we have been taught it is. Until you hear the buzzer it is the most exciting thing in the world. Everything you know is wrong, which means things can finally make sense. The world and the interactions and the people around you can all make sense, you can understand everything, you can become whatever you want. You can do whatever you want as everything has been done on your power so far. No one has lived for you, it isn’t possible. Your body is your body, why can’t you move it? Your mind is yours, why are the thoughts of others more valid? They too are simply trying to express the way they see the world with the limited tools they have. If you end up thinking about this after the time is up you may start to see other things. Make your own connections. I have stuck very specifically to the ones I personally have found most meaningful and enjoyable, in part to make it easier for you to find your own things to reevaluate, there are so many I left untouched, and many I have not yet seen myself. Maybe start by rethinking your relationship with a parent. What if they are not a mom and dad so they have to be perfect and love you and take care of you, and instead are just other humans, who have decided to take care of you and help you because they love you and choose to spend their time and effort on you? Does taking right and wrong and go(o)d and d(evil) out of the equation lessen the meaning or instead make it much more meaningful and heartwarming? What if all the times you helped someone it was you that wanted to do it, and when you caused harm it was you that chose to do it? What if no christ pulled your strings and no devil dragged you in circles? If you were in complete control of your actions? Would that change your future actions? Which of the two did you like more? Which made you happier? What sent you into depressing thoughts? Why not simply seek and avoid those things then? Why must everything be more complex and difficult? We believe that because we can think we must be something more, and we are. What other lifeform do we know of that is more capable than us? Smarter than us? More inventive or creative than us? Why do we spend so much time searching for something more in life when it has always been there, right in front of our eyes, literally our fingertips, and we refuse to see simply because we allow the experiences of others dictate our truth. If you are able to understand what I have written, then you already were, or soon will be part of the club. If you are just joining, welcome. If you are already in it, hello, I’m new here. My time will end, and you are welcome to forget all this then. You probably will.  I don’t mind, nothing I’ve written has any meaning anyway. It has no truth or value, literally none, to anyone besides me, unless you decide it has meaning. 

[self-doom-blog]

Chapter 1. "Doom"

noun.  Death, destruction, or some other terrible fate.

verb.  Condemn to certain destruction or death.

First of all, I’d like to say that most of the times I will not use my own words for what I’m about write on this blog, I have a really hard time trying to express myself and since I’ve never ever written or wrote before, I’ll be using a little help from quotes, songs, books, etc… -A

It’s so hard to talk when you want to kill yourself sometimes. I’m a mentally ill person, I’m suicidal, although it’s been years that I haven’t tried to kill myself, but you know… I'ts always on my mind, like a “plan B” if things ever go wrong. I’m considering suicide like ‘this is normal’.

Thinking this again... I'm not suicidal, but if a car came while I was crossing the street, I don't think I would move out of its way. And if someone held a gun to my head, I wouldn't exactly beg for my life. In fact, I'd tell them to go for it. No, I'm not suicidal. But if I had an opportunity to die without having to kill myself, I'd probably take it.

I don’t like being this way, it’s scary. I never choose to be this way but this is how I am. And this is my journey.

I’m 22. Self diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.

I bet that sound crazy. I know I’m no doctor to do so. Sometimes I feel like I have something more, sometimes I feel like having a much more deeper mental illness or maybe I have nothing at all… Who knows? In my life I have only attended to 3 different psychologists in life for behavior and mood problems. Did it help? No… I’m not saying seeking this kind of help is useless, it just didn’t work for me.

For introducing myself, I come from a very average family. Never suffered hunger, money was never a problem and I have always attended to private schools. There’s nothing wrong where I come from, I don’t blame anyone for my situation / condition. Right now I study medicine at a private university. I want to become a surgeon, a plastic surgeon to be more specific, my second option is being a psychiatrist.

I spend a lot of time in my kitchen, I live alone. I like that. I’m always on my laptop, doing absolutely nothing but listening to music. I do that 24/7. It’s like a therapy for me, I like rock, I am of those persons who likes ‘classic’ known bands such as  Queen, The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Black Sabbath, David Bowie… I have a very extended taste in music, I enjoy anything that comes from the 60′s to 90′s, from country to heavy metal. I like songs for their lyrics more than for the rhythm. I don’t like today’s music, they only sing about butts, alcohol, women, partying, drugs, cars, money… I find it disgusting, boring and sometimes even repulsive. The point is that I spend a lot of time in iTunes, I don’t do anything else, I sing, I think, I sing, I think, I sing, I think… that’s the routine. Sometimes I isolate myself like ‘how am I going to avoid everyone today’. I have a secret tho. I talk alone. Like a schizophrenic person… but I know that I talk alone, I mean, I know there’s no one there. I do not confuse what’s real and what’s not. I just talk like there’s someone there to talk to, actually is like a group of people in my house. Yeah, like talking to imaginary friends, but I repeat, I know I am talking alone. Do I have real friends? Yes. I have 5 real friends, those kind of friends that are trustworthy. I don’t have ‘’part time friends’’ or ‘’party-only friends’’ or ‘’side friends’’ or whatever, you know… those extra friends. The 5 friends that I mention are beautiful people, they have never showed me disrespect of any kind, they help me with whatever I need, they guide me when I don’t know what to do, they help me with homework and with university stuff and so much more things. I prefer being with real people more than talking with my “extended personalities” (talking alone). When I’m talking alone I create different persons along with their personalities, I like to think that are just extensions of my own personality, like the person I cannot be, or the person I would like to be; for example, some of them are shy, they can be extrovert, they can be sarcastic and rude or they can be clownish and I create an image for each. I have never tell this to any doctor or psychologist and I have never been to a psychiatrist, for fear, like they can make me take pills or stay in a mental ward for sure. I know how it works. But as long as I think I’m sane I will keep it for myself. And does my family know about this ‘’extended personalities’’? No. I think they have heard me talking alone but I don’t think they find it alarming, because some people think out loud or talk to themselves… And I have said this to them, that sometimes I talk to myself… but not in the way I really do, that consist of creating various personas.

And I walk around in a dissociated state, not remember what I've done each day thinking 'it must be Halloween soon' even though its April.

Why am I writing this? The answer is simple. Sometimes I feel like taking out all this emotions in someway and this is it. 

I think this was just a little introduction for who I think I am. As the time passes I’ll write about my past, my thoughts, my everyday life, along with memories that comes to my mind at the moments. You’ll get to know me slowly.

You don’t understand? Trying to explain mental illness to someone who's never experienced it is like trying to explain color to a blind person.

If you want to read what Borderline Personality Disorder is like, here you go. This is how I feel, is pretty accurate for me.

***Borderline personality disorder (BPD)***

Pattern of abnormal behavior characterized by impulsivity, unstable affect, inconsistent interpersonal relationships and poor self-image. Some individuals also display uncontrollable anger and depression. Symptoms include intense fears of abandonment, sensitivity to feelings of rejection, and irritability of vague or uncertain origin. They often engage in idealization and devaluation of others, alternating between high positive regard and great disappointment.

Self-harm, suicidal behavior, and substance abuse are commonly associated.

.SYMPTOMS.

-Splitting (thinking in extremes) -Chaos in relationships -Markedly disturbed sense of identity -Intense or uncontrollable emotional outbursts -Unstable interpersonal relationships and self-esteem -Concerns about abandonment -Self-damaging behavior -Distorted self-image -Impulsivity -Frequently accompanied by depression, anxiety, anger, substance abuse, or rage.

.EMOTIONS.

Feel emotions more easily, more deeply, and longer than others. In addition, emotions may repeatedly resurge and persist a long time. Consequently, it may take more time for people with BPD than others to return to a stable emotional baseline following an intense emotional experience.

The sensitivity, intensity, and duration with which people feel emotions have both positive and negative effects. People with BPD are often exceptionally enthusiastic, idealistic, joyful, and loving. However, they may feel overwhelmed by negative emotions (“anxiety, depression, guilt/shame, worry, anger, etc.”), experiencing intense grief instead of sadness, shame and humiliation instead of mild embarrassment, rage instead of annoyance, and panic instead of nervousness. They are especially sensitive to feelings of rejection, criticism, isolation, and perceived failure. Before learning other coping mechanisms, their efforts to manage or escape from their very negative emotions may lead to self-injury or suicidal behavior. They are often aware of the intensity of their negative emotional reactions and, since they cannot regulate them, they shut them down entirely. This can be harmful to people with BPD, since negative emotions alert people to the presence of a problematic situation and move them to address it which the person would normally be aware of only to cause further distress.

While people with BPD feel joy intensely, they are especially prone to dysphoria, depression, and/or feelings of mental and emotional distress.

There are 4 categories of dysphoria that are typical of this condition:

1.- Extreme emotions

2.- Destructiveness or self-destructiveness

3.- Feeling fragmented or lacking identity

4.- Feelings of victimization

Within these categories, a BPD diagnosis is strongly associated with a combination of three specific states: feeling betrayed, “feeling like hurting myself”, and feeling out of control.

In addition to intense emotions, people with BPD experience emotional lability; or in other words, changeability. Although the term emotional lability suggests rapid changes between depression and elation, the mood swings in people with this condition actually fluctuate more frequently between anger and anxiety and between depression and anxiety.

.BEHAVIOR.

Impulsive behavior is common, including substance or alcohol abuse, eating disorders, unprotected sex or indiscriminate sex with multiple partners, reckless spending, and reckless driving. Impulsive behavior may also include leaving jobs or relationships, running away, and self-injury.

People with BPD act impulsively because it gives them immediate relief from their emotional pain. However, in the long term, people with BPD suffer increased pain from the shame and guilt that follow such actions. A cycle often begins in which people feel emotional pain, engage in impulsive behavior to relieve that pain, feel shame and guilt over their actions, feel emotional pain from the shame and guilt, and then experience stronger urges to engage in impulsive behavior to relieve the new pain.

As time goes on, impulsive behavior may become an automatic response to emotional pain.

.RELATIONSHIPS.

Their feelings about others often shift from admiration or love to anger or dislike after a disappointment, a perceived threat of losing someone, or a perceived loss of esteem in the eyes of someone they value.

This phenomenon, sometimes called splitting, includes a shift from idealizing others to devaluing them. Combined with mood disturbances, idealization and devaluation can undermine relationships with family, friends, and co-workers. Self-image can also change rapidly from healthy to unhealthy.

While strongly desiring intimacy, they tend toward insecure, avoidant or ambivalent, or fearfully preoccupied attachment patterns in relationships, and they often view the world as dangerous and malevolent. BPD, like other personality disorders, is linked to increased levels of chronic stress and conflict in romantic relationships, decreased satisfaction on the part of romantic partners, abuse, and unwanted pregnancy.

.SENSE OF SELF.

Tend to have trouble seeing a clear picture of their identity. In particular, they tend to have difficulty knowing what they value, believe, prefer, and enjoy. They are often unsure about their long-term goals for relationships and jobs. This difficulty with knowing who they are and what they value can cause to experience feeling “empty” and “lost”.