#like no sorry i cannot be a functional adult. and i wasnt even on the room i could hear the tone she used to talk about me

[hesperidia]

i hate surprise visits with a passion but the thing i hate more is my mom complaining about ME to said visits

[closetdbisexual]

barry being autistic is just really funny to me its like a joke but also the idea of him being real rep is very special to me too i have talked about this a lot SORRY i like discussing it . i like saying things . barry as an undiagnosed adult makes perfect sense because obviously john sr. and fuches would not know or understand any of that and would not bother to really look into it further than "hes shy" -> "hes depressed" . and also him being genuinely really dumb when the mainstream Consumerized autistic character has to be exctremely smart and catty and quick-witted and sarcastic . they have to still function in society and still be extremely intelligent to make up for it and theyre obsessed with science and cars and whatever the fuck . <- i know there are characters who arent like this in media but i specifically am talking about the MainStream CONSUMERIZED form of quirky cute uwu autism thats gotten popular the past few years . the kind where all you have to do is be a bit awkward and be a bit obsessed with something . while barry is sincerely dumb and doesnt understand simple questions and doesnt comprehend relationships and is so gullible and so stupid and the only "skill" he has that "makes up for it" is the skill that also results in him being alienated and In fact is a trait we as the viewer dislike him for . barry being awkward and nervous and oblivious is a very specific part of his personality most noticeable in s1 but as time goes on and he starts to seem more "normal" it can still be viewed as masking via the scenes where his "mask" (version of himself he tried to build) cracks and hes just as awkward and weird and oblivious again . his behavior from tricky legacies to the wizard is one specific moment of that to me . functionally hes a "savant" in that hes extremely dumb with one specific skill/interest that hes exceptionally talented/knowledgeable about. though i dont know if id consider that FULLY because he isnt like. his special interest isnt guns lol but he does have lots of odd little fixations and traits and those fixations are also heavily linked to his PTSD and father issues/abandonment issues and his need for validation . well anyways barry being very messy and fucked up and flawed and his mental illnesses/disorders contributing to it and they create lots of real long-term problems in his life which , though exaggerated or shown in different metaphorical ways, can be very accurate to what real people w/ those illnesses/disorders and even real veterans and survivors of war and stuff go through . but even then we get direct proof that barrys awkwardness and shyness wasnt caused BY the war or by john sr. or fuches because he was already like that as a child. and also i just like to use him as an example of how things can be canon by being inferrable and implied in the text without having to be directly stated . you make a character who is extremely awkward, terrible at relationships, cannot understand tone, rhetorical questions, or metaphors, who is extremely gullible to the point it gets him into serious trouble SEVERAL times , and who is finally again i keep bringing up the rain man comparison AGAIN he is compared to raymond from rain man, possibly the most well-known autistic character (and movie related to that) in america i would think . so like . at that point its canon without them having to explicitly state it at all . what was the point of this. oh barry is just good representation of a severely mentally ill person and a good commentary of how society and organizations can fail mentally ill people . and sally also i would like to talk about sally one day but i need to rewatch early s4 for that probably .... . i am very mentally ill and i like talking about how it can be shown in media (thumbs up emoji) . i dont know if any of these words form a coherent sentence

[tosomeonecherished]

the ‘intruder’ - a kim jongin bulletpoint scenario

okay so you’re currently doing the dishes beCAUSE YOU’RE A GOOD WIFE ™

gently might I add to keep anything from making loud noises because ya husbando had a long day and finally got his needed rest time (not beauty sleep because if that man got any more beautiful i would kamikaze myself)

despite your efforts one of the dishes makes a very loud squeak because you’re a clumsy ass

you felt bad because jongin and the boys had been working very hard to prepare for the new comeback

finally finishing all the dishes you tiptoe to your shared bedroom because you’re a fucking ninja

crawling under the cottten sheets jongin stirs a little in his sleep, turning over and encasing you in his muscular succulent arms

“sowwy if i woke you up bb”

“don’t fret, i was already awake and waiting for you bb”

“that’s very sweet bb but you shouldn’t have done that bb”

“it’s too late, just go to sleep bb”

ANYWAYS

you placed your head right where his heart was the melodic beat slowly lulling you into slumber when you realize

oh shit

i forgot to lock the door

you begin to slowly slither yourself out of jongin’s grasp like a SNAKE ™ (*cough* *cough* I’m talking about phi phi o’hara on rupauls drag race *cough* *cough* wot)

despite your groWN UP age the darks always kinda spooked you and everything downstairs looked very eerie and dark

taking a deep breath, trying to clear your head of thoughts of the spooky things

you got to mario jump over your couch but you catch you foot on the corner almost falling flat on yOUR FACE

you got laugh when you see a shadow move past your window

OH HELL TO THE NAH

you best be bookin your ass out that house and into the po po station

moving to crawl over to the opposite side of the couch to hide your body from view

your mental breakdown ensues

“it’s happening. this is it. imma die. what aboUT MY FISH!???!?!??!???”

but then your mind reaches the conclusion that it could just be a teenager returning home past curfew deciding to take a short cut through your yard

ya that’s right (y/n) you’re an adult person you got this that’s not real

you force yourself to stand up and walk over to the door to check the lock

when bitch…beFORE YOU COULD EVEN LAND A FINGER ON THE DOOR KNOB IT BEGINS TO TURN

slapping both hands over your mouth to prevent yourself from screaming the door knob kept turning but ceased to open

oh thank fuck

you locked the door

you then sonic back to your room to wake jongin beCAUSE YOU NEED HIS MUSCLES

“JONGIN!!?!? WAKE UPPPPP!????”

(you whisper yell because what if the hooligans trying to get into your house hear)

“wot, honey?”

“someone’s trying to get into the house?”

and that’s all it took to get jongin awake because he’s a good husbando and will protect you at all costs IM SOFT

he reached under his pillow and pull out this large ass box cutter hoW THE HELL

“stay here. i’ll go check it out.”

“no way josé. you might need my help.” (“whO TF IS JOSÉ” sorry wrong time for vine references)

“(Y/N), i dont want you to get hurt”

“and I dont want you to get hurt either. what if you get injured and I wasnt even there to help you out. i wouldnt be able to function properly for a while knowing i didnt do anything to help.”

jongin shut his mouth although groves you a pleading look further expressing his want to keep you there

“fine, but you stay behind me at all time. got it?”

“aye aye captain”

walking out of the bedroom the silence of the house gave you goosebumps and the strange shadows the moon was actin down surely wasnt helping

even jongin’s present didnt full put you to ease

once you guys finally reach the kitchen without any sign of the intrueder, the only sound was you and jongin’s heavy breathing and the very quiet hum of the dryer

the dryer stopped shortly after playing a tune that could only resemble the tune of an ice cream truck

usually you found it very uwu worthy but now it was just plain spoopy

*CUE OBNOXIOUS CRASH SOUND*

you and jongin both jump like 87 feet off the ground (it’s like mario and luigi up in this beach)

jongin quickly calms himself down and runs over to the kitchen window while you’re still having a tiny brain aneurism

“i think i see some movement, i’m gonna go check it out.”

“no no no no no no no no no nO NO. that’s how people always die in He movies. hey Susan you wanna check out the growling that came from the empty attic. NO FUCKING THANK YOU BARB. you is not going outside to check what kinda heathen did that.”

jongin walked towards you his thumb slowly grazing your lower lip cupping your cheek

“you are absolutely stunning.”

“NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO MAKE ME ALL MUSHY AND GUSHY JONGIN DEAR THANK YOU VERY MUCH THO FAM.”

don’t worry baby girl. you’ll be fine as long as you stay in the house. when i go outside i want you to lock the door behind me. okay? don’t worry everything’s going to be fine.”

before you could get a word in he slips out the door

“JONGIN? JONGIN?”

but alas he was already out of earshot, although reluctantly you did as he told

you slowly walk back towards the kitchen opening the fridge pulling out a bottle of wine taking a huge swig because it haS BEEN A LONG (ass ride) DAY

it was comepletey silent for what seemed like an hour when in reality it was probably only five minutes

you mind begins to run and the more worried you got the darker the scenarios seemed to unfold, you felt the waterworks coming

interrupting your thoughts a loud squeaking noise ran through the house bouncing off the walls

it sounded like an old door opening on its worn, rusty hinges

you quickly recognized it as the old back door youve been trying to get jongin to fix for the past 5 months

but just because the person got the screen door open doesn’t mean they’ll get the actual door open…unless you forgot to lock it..

you made your way over to the kitchen drawer pulling out this LARGE ASS BUTCHER KNIFE (we going dexter in this beach)

the sound of the second door shutting rang out throughout the room, however had tried to get in succeeded

you heard movement from outside the window spotting jongin so that means the intruder had gotten inside

wishing you could scream for help although you didnt want to give up your hiding spot ducking underneath your counter top

the should of foootsteps only became louder as they got closer to the kitchen… damn if this person didnt kill you a heart attack surely would

you were surprised when he walked right past you to the other side of the kitchen his back facing you

this was you chance

as stealthily as possible you crept towards him ready to strike liKE A SNAKE ™

unfortunately the floor freaked and the intruder spun around to face you, you acted on impulse running toward the person

he quickly flickers on the kitchen lights and grabbed you arm wielding the knife causing you to drop it

“whoa whoa whoA CALM DOWN”

you heart screamed when you realized who it was

“what. the. fuck.?”

“whew you almost gave me a heart attack i thought you were going to kill me.”

“GIVE YOU A HEART ATTACK WHAT THE HELL CHANYEOL I ALMOST COLLAPSED ON THE GROUND AND HAD A SEIZURE FORM BEING SO SCARED AND YOU TALKING TO ME ABOUT ALMOST HAVING A HEART ATTACK I THINK THE FUCK NOT YOU TRICK ASS BITCH.”

“gave you a heart attack? i thought you were a murderer?”

you what someone come through the back door and its a very angry jongin carrying a very spooked baekhyun

“baek?! you were in on this too?”

“no kinda…chanyeol made me.”

your eyes closed as you exhale loudly, picking up the knife you dropped, before heading over to the kitchen cannot to pull out some Advil for you forming headache

“why are you guys here,” asked jongin dropping baekhyun to the floor

“chanyeol wanted to get you back for putting hot sauce in his coffee this morning” baekhyun blurted obviously afraid of jongin’s wrath

jongin chuckled slightly before shutting up completely at your glare

after downing the pill you turn back to the two boys asking,

“can you two assholes please just go home now?”

“yep.”

“now i know not to ask baekhyun for help on a prank ever again”

“JUST GO!!!”

he quickly followed baekhyun out the door leaving just you and jongin

you walked over to jongin as he wrapped him arms around your waist resting your head on his chest, “you better think of a real good way to get them back” “don’t worry im cooking up something real good”

[dearfrank]

You were never a good friend I always just had rose colored glasses on towards you because we never fought. You were always more concerned with how to keep your man happy than if you were being a genuine friend. What you wanted was always top priority to our friendship. Over 11 years of friendship meant nothing to you as soon as I told you that your boyfriend was a loser, because he was. Trying to sleep with the man I loved so dearly and deeply conveniently after you decided we shouldn’t be friends anymore was fucked up even in a way I never thought possible for you. You were there all those years I cried over him, pined over him, was in complete misery over him. And the thought that you would ever think it would be okay to me that you would try to come in and sleep with him just because you’ve conveniently decided we aren’t friends anymore - that just showed me how much of a spoiled bitch you are who only cared about what you could get from me. My ex boyfriend wasnt good enough for you, despite you not wanting to admit or agree with me on that, so instead you try to sleep with someone else I loved, all while having it in your mind I would never find out so therefor “you weren’t doing anything wrong.” You absolutely did me wrong and I hope everyday that you get burned the exact same way so you can feel the pain of someone you felt was like family betraying your entire friendship just for some pathetic fuck. You’re an incredibly stupid cunt and I swear to this day if I ever see you in person I’m going to spit in your face like the garbage that you are.

You were never a good friend because you only kept me around to boost your own self esteem, because you always held yourself above me. Now that I’m the hot / sexy / cool girl you cannot stand to be in the same room as me, especially if it reverts any male attention away from you. You are completely pathetic and need to focus on building your self esteem up because you’re literally too insecure to function.

You were never a good partner because you tried to groom me at 16 to take care of you and carry the burden of a helpless adult, all while cheating and lying to me over a woman you didn’t actually want to be with. You never supported me through my dark times, you were primarily the reason I lived through so many years of depression. And now you have the audacity to try to compare her to me, as if she’s that much more loving and warm than me, sorry no, it’s just that you didn’t spend years abusing her and breaking her heart in every way you could imagine.

I’ve been thriving with you all out of my life. You’re all a tight little group of fucking morons and thank fuck I don’t have to deal with any of your stupid decisions / relationships ever again.

[musherum]

long post -/ cael talks about her new asthma medication and recent Realizations

honestly? im noticing a lot of improvement since i started the new medication. its a corticosteroid, which is a kind of drug that is exclusively for treating constrictive asthma. there are two different types of asthma, see: theres inflammatory, which responds well to treatment with ventalin, the most common inhaler which provides immediate, “emergency” relief when you have an attack of inflammatory asthma, and theres constrictive, which doesnt respond to it at all. this was the “missing link” i was looking for. i didnt know about the medication requirements for that form of asthma until a few days ago when i had a major attack of constrictive asthma.

it.... took me a lot to finally say to my mum “i need to go to a doctor. i am having a lot of trouble breathing, and i cannot function. i know this cannot be normal.” it took even more, though, to say to her that i needed to stay home that day, and miss the GED class im taking - even though the day before was the first session. my mom has screamed at me and called me a failure and an idiot before, when she caught me skipping school because of depression and fatigue. that was a very very big step for me, facing my fear of my mom yelling at me again. but i could not focus on anything, not with how laboured my breathing was. it was the frustration of not being able to sleep that finally pushed me over the edge - while i was up all night with my then untreated and untreatable asthma attack, i 

i told her my symptoms, and then explained to her my, uh, “theory” that i had a form of asthma that didnt respond to ventalin. i got the name wrong (i mixed up constrictive and inflammatory), but otherwise, i got it entirely correct. i was so scared that she might brush me off, like what had happened before with so many people when i was younger. it had even happened with other doctors. but, fortunatley, she quickly agreed with me that it appears i need a corticosteroid as well as my ventalin to treat my symptoms.

i didnt know, before very recently, that ventalin is exclusively for inflammatory asthma, or that constrictive asthma requires cordicosteroids to treat. all along, i thought i was just being lazy, or dumb, or panicking, or lying, or a that i just didnt care. because people have said things like this to me. all throughout my life. i would say, “i cannot breathe,” and they would say, “take your emergency (ventalin) puffer.” so i would. and when i said i still didnt feel better, after i took my ventalin puffer in front of them, they stopped believing it could be asthma. older people, the ones who were supposed to take care of kids when theyre hurting, were the MOST dissmissive of my complaints. because they thought they knew everything about what asthma was. better than a kid who had it.

i thought that whatever it was, it couldnt be asthma, because so many older people told me so. no one ever told me that constrictory asthma needed a different additional medication. no one told me that i needed it. everyone said that asthma could just be treated with a ventalin inhaler, period, and that if i was so out of breath, i should just use mine. and i did. and itd didnt work. so i figured... i must not have asthma. because surely an adult knows better than i do, right?

as i grew up, my memories faded as memories do - but none so much as that of the visit to the doctors when i was first diagnosed. i can remember only a precious handful of details now; a diagram that depicted the inside of the lungs, shown with one having its air-tubes contracted tightly, and the other clogged up with mucus. i forgot about it because i was full of self loathing, i feel like, at least in part - its much harder to control your emotions when you dont have enough oxygen to normally power your brain, and the bullying i withstood, while not violent, was very frequent. i was very much not a “popular kid,” ill leave it there. a lot of people hated me. and a lot of people only pretended to like me, and i wasnt able to tell they were laughing at me. when you have shit like that on your mind constantly, and youre oxygen starved??? you tend to be a little, uh, distracted. im not surprised that i dont remember it well. but i wish i did. all i know for sure is that at the end of the day, i had a ventalin puffer, and that was it. i think there may have been a misunderstanding - when the doctor said that the cortisol (the most common, brand-name corticosteroid) is for long-term relief and the ventalin is for emergencies, my mom might have thought something along the lines of, “my child had an asthma attack, and it was an emergency. therefore ventalin is what we need, not cortisol.” but again, i dont know that for sure, and i dont want to throw anyone under the bus. it may have been that, or it may not have been. but i feel that my mom likely wouldnt remember if i asked her - taking ME to a doctors appointment wouldnt rank very high on her “important life moments” list, i suspect.

and so as i grew up, again, i had ventalin, but i very rarely remember having cortisol around, let alone taking it. uh, sorry i mean, corticosteroids. anyway, um... i think i was depressed then, even as a kid. my mom did not impress the importance of the medicine on me - she said it wasnt a that big a deal, that i only need to take it “sometimes.” and so when i ran out, i figured i didnt have to rush to tell her. and, of course, i didnt have the energy to take it every day - couldnt breath. in fact, because it required me to wash my mouth out through after taking it every morning and night, it was significantly more difficult to take the medicine that treated my constrictive asthma. and again, i did not have energy to let me do what i knew i was supposed to. and i did not know that just taking the corticosteroid regularly would help me get my energy back, because no one ever told me that my energy had... WENT anywhere. they didnt mention it being a part of the disease, so i assumed to was unrelated. i didnt know the science behind it back then, i was a little kid! and so it was that every time i had a flair-up, people kept telling me to use my ventalin inhaler, the one thats for “emergencies,” if i really felt so bad. and so.... i would. and the ventalin would not ease my constricted lungs, because its intended for inflammation. and when i tried to tell them it wasnt working, people would start telling me it wasnt asthma, and that it had to be something else - something that i was fucking up. and i believed them. i believed what they told me. because i thought that adults were supposed to be smart, and know more than kids, and that they were supposed to protect me when i said i was hurting. i thought they were supposed to help children when theyre hurting. and so all along, i believed them, cause why would they lie to me? they must know what theyre talking about. adults know more than kids, they never shut up about it, i probably thought. and... so i started to really internalize the idea that it was my fault. that i was always so tired, and forgetful, and weak, and exhausted, and out of breath, and bad at talking, and bad at concentrating, and bad in school, and bad at everything... because i was just a bad person. i even thought it was my fault that my hands wouldnt stop shaking - no matter how much i drew. my lines were always crooked and bent. so because i never knew that cortisol was the medicine i needed the most, i was never ABLE to stop my hands from shaking, no matter how hard i tried and how much i practiced drawing. so i assumed i was just a naturally shitty artist, and began to resign myself to a life of never being able to create something beautiful. no matter how much i practiced drawing.

all of it was because of my constrictive asthma - either because of too little air being able to penetrate my lungs and oxygenate my body and bloodstream, or because of the sharp, sudden and literally dizzying rips of air that i had to suck in just to breath at all.

all these years of hating myself have been perpetuated so needlessly, all because people assumed they knew better than a kid. even when the kid tells you “he” (really she, im talking about me as a kid after all) has a disease and that “he” (again, she) cant breathe and that “he” (SHE) has tried what you are suggesting and it does ever work. even if that kid is literally telling them, “it is my disease that is causing this.”

because people brushed me off, and put me down, even when i was telling them that i couldnt breath. even when i tried to explain to them that i felt like i was being slowly suffocated, by an invisble hand squeezing the air out of my chest. because thats what it DOES feel like.

...fuck, man. that was fucked up.

[makumaa]

Present!Karl. I’ve been kind of planned how the lives of Karl and Mihail would be if they lived today. They would be very different from what they are in the 1940-something. I’ll just put my thoughts and everything under that keep reading!!11 because I know I’ll start rambling...... TL;DR: Present!Karl’s life gets eventually better from the shit and WW2!Karl’s life goes to shit from average.

So welcome to the wall of text!!! You are free to leave anytime you want. I’ve had a few so I have no idea how this text will turn out-- sorry for the grammar mistakes.

So, WW2!Karl. His life was pretty good before he escaped from the battlefields somewhere in Ukraine. There he met an enemy soldier, Mihail, and eventually Karl will find himself attracted to this odd Soviet comrade. Karl just thinks he is tired and gone crazy from the stress of the war and everything, so he doesn’t really think about it. Eventually they get caught (by German soldiers? I’m not sure yet), and both are put in the prison. Karl gets back to the war zone in the penal battalion. He survives and can get back to home sometime after the war is finally over. (Mihail will spend like 10 years in the Gulag after the war.) Karl will be very ashamed and criticized of his actions and desertion in Ukraine. He starts to constantly think about killing himself, but luckily he finds his long-lost passion to painting, which will help him make through years. But he can’t deny the feeling he cannot feel attraction to women, so he’ll panic and therefore accidentally starts a family with someone. And still he thinks about killing himself for what a disappointment for a man he is. (In the very original story I made 7-8 years ago I guess I killed Karl before he got home? How silly I was! Of course it is so much better to give a character an unbearable hell than killing him!)

And about present!Karl. His parents were always very demanding and made Karl think that the key to a good life is to be a good, humble catholic, get a well-paying job and start a family at young age. Karl was always been very artistic, but his parents thought an artistic career would be a total waste of time, so no son, don’t even think about it. The problems really started when Karl started to question God's existence. Soon he also found out that participating in his volleyball team felt very uneasy. And he surely wasn’t as smart as his parents would have wanted him to be. He fell to depression and started to get panic attacks in his late teens. He couldn’t study and felt even worse for not being able to fulfill his parents’ expectations. Karl will learn to put his anger aside and also deny his true self to feel accepted and normal and to please his parents. After getting his shit together (with medication), he actually got in the mechanical engineering school and thought everything would be alright. But guess what, then he meets the present!Mihail, an odd, linguistically talented and suspiciously wealthy Russian guy (and his small squad of “business partners”). Mihail’s brisk presence will eventually break Karl’s defenses, and even though Karl learns he is nothing his parents wanted him to be, his life gets a shitload better when he actually listens to his own voice. Everything’ll be alright!

I like to deal with Karl. He’s 21-22 years old, so he’s a perfect character to handle from a writer’s aspect. He’s not a teen anymore, but surely he isn’t a full-functional adult, either. When I was 21, I srsly was a total kid. Mihail is about 25 or 26, he has already made some choices in his life, and the growing pain part is over. Present!Mihail is also a nice character to work with, he is so absurd and laid-back. 

Thanks. Bye.