#like they got married but maybe they scheduled some make up photo sessions in between her product launch

[myplace2fangirl]

They’ve loved each other for over 15 years.

[mintchocolatechipnut]

kirishima's wedding

Note: This is for my sunshine boy, he deserves all the love in the world and what better way to show that through headcanons for his and his s/o’s wedding? I was inspired mainly by flash mobs and wedding dances, in particular this one, so here you go!

Tags: pure fluff, dancing, Kirishima is a sentimental man, I was projecting a little too much on this

Word count: 2.0k

To be honest, it isn’t that Kirishima isn’t interested in his own wedding

It’s more like he’s interested in marrying you

And at this point, when you’ve already given him the green light when you said yes to his proposal, he really couldn’t ask for more

So he’s actually pretty content with letting you pick out most things

His being one of the top 10 heroes (see: big bonuses) is just an added perk that he’s grateful for

You want that dress you saw in that top-grade wedding magazine? Sure. You want a multi-cuisine buffet for your reception? Go for it.

Boy’s honestly just really ecstatic that you’ve agreed to marry him

Though, if you did want input from him, just say the word and he’ll offer his ideas

He wants the best for you, but if you’re adamant on wanting this wedding to be a two-person thing, he has no qualms against that

However, it’s just that his schedule doesn’t really allow for all-day wedding planning—people still need saving, reports still need to be made, it ain’t the honeymoon yet, sweetheart!

But he’ll do his best to contribute in whatever ways he can, be it the direct planning or supporting you from the sidelines by attending wedding dress sessions with you, or checking out the venues you have in mind

Heck, he even makes sure you’re eating three full meals a day when you lose track of time planning

Meanwhile, people at work have been congratulating Kirishima for becoming an engaged man

And with so many warm-hearted regards, not just from his co-workers, but even his fans (Red Riot has the best fans ever), it’s hard not to stop him from looking forward to his own wedding even more

So from then on he finds little breaks in his routine so he can help you out

His favorite part about the entire process, though, was learning your first dance

You’d asked him if he was up for learning a fun little routine as your first dance during your wedding

Now Kirishima isn’t a great dancer by any means, but he is eager to please, so he said yes quite readily

Only when he saw the video did he blanch a little

He’d thought it’d be a sweet sensual waltz that wasn’t too hard to learn (based off what he heard from others), but you’d instead chosen a fast-paced, twisty sort of dance

What was it called again? Lindy hop? Swing? He’s not sure, but the song is catchy and cheesy enough for him to tap his foot to

But oh no. He can’t dance, he thinks. This is going to take a while

And it did. You enrolled the help of Mina, who graciously extended an offer to teach you an improvised routine for the likes of you and Kirishima despite her own busy schedule

Mina’s a strict teacher. Kirishima doesn’t know why he has never thought that before. Probably because he hadn’t danced under her tutelage during the cultural festival, but whatever

She pushes him to the limit, making sure he isn’t stiff with his movements, and to coordinate with you on timing and movements

The first class is a little of a disaster though. You end up stepping on each other’s toes a lot, and Kirishima feels unnatural and awkward as he dances

This wasn’t on his resume! He’s not cut out for this kind of agile, flexible movement. In fact, all he has to do sometimes during his hero work is stay in place as a shield. He doesn’t have it in him to twist and jive like you and Mina!

You can see that Kirishima is a little discouraged, and suggest a break

Kirishima’s quiet for those few minutes, staring down at his toes and flexing them, wondering if he can ever really do this right

It’s not like you don’t notice, but Mina is busy teaching you how to improve your own steps

When he sees you dance all on your own though, a surge of pride wells up in Kirishima because you’re doing your best even though this isn’t your territory

But you’d wanted to do it, and here you were putting your back into it

And—technically he wanted to do it too, right? Since he’d agreed.

Kirishima then realises that he hasn’t been giving this his all, considering he never thought it was in his nature, or part of his expertise, to do this

But there’s always a first time, right?

You feel a tap on your shoulder and turn to see a grinning Kirishima, holding two thumbs-up to say ‘Let’s go!’

After that practice goes a lot more smoothly, with Kirishima finally getting the rhythm in his veins and you two even having successfully danced through the first verse on just memory

When you get home, Kirishima’s so eager to get it right all over again that you have to tell him to tone it down because you yourself are aching all over from Mina’s spartan training

You begin having weekly sessions with Mina, always practicing in between when the both of you have the time, because it’s not like it’s the same when you practice on your own individually

And Kirishima realises he likes doing this with you, taking big new steps together out of your comfort zones, to do something different

Just like how you were soon to be taking a whole new big step into the future as husband and wife

And suddenly all these private dance sessions with you he brings a little closer to his heart

For one he’s never one to pass up the chance to practice with you, and what’s more, he thoroughly enjoys himself when he twirls you around the room and see the endless joy in your tired, satisfied smile at the end of it

Pretty soon he’s wanting to make sure that you put on the best performance for wedding day

He’s even resorted to bopping and doo-wopping in his office sometimes, even when Bakugou comes around for work things

In which he snorts and tells Kirishima he’s acting like a total idiot and should get off cloud 9 real quick, or else he’s gonna make him

But Kirishima really can’t bring himself to care, because he just knows that he’s going to make you proud on that day with his moves

When the day finally rolls around (or perhaps a few days earlier), Kirishima’s getting the wedding jitters

To which he copes with going out with his friends from high school, and to which Kaminari and Sero decide to hold a stag party for him

Just him and the boys, after so long

He has a great time of course, and forgets about his worries for a little while, but when he comes home and noticed you’ve gone to sleep without him, he’s brought back to thinking about the day you’ll finally sleep in the same bed as husband and wife

And there he goes again

It takes a good nag from Bakugou that ‘you don’t need to worry about a thing, Shitty Hair, or else she’ll be embarrassed for you’ for him to regain his spirits

It’s really not that he doesn’t want to marry you, but his insecurities, having just found an outlet in you, have resurfaced once more to plague him with the idea that he doesn’t deserve you

But maybe it’s precisely because he doesn’t deserve you that he’s got to do everything he can to make you happy, so you don’t regret this choice you made with him

Wedding day finally arrives, and Kirishima’s got the nerves again

But the good kind this time

You can have his hair done however you like, but I like to headcanon that he wears it down in its natural state, with half of it done up in a ponytail like how Aizawa occasionally wears it. It’s a tribute to how he’d shed his old self to be a new version of Crimson Riot, with the vibrant red hair, but also not forgetting his roots and origins

He waits nervously at the altar, where Bakugou crosses his arms impatiently to his side (because of course Bakugou is his best man)

He sees all the guests you’ve invited: pro heroes, mutual friends, your own colleagues, and of course, your families

Not to mention some of the press are lingering outside the venue in order to get some photos in for the news of Red Riot tying the knot

And he’s terrified and thrilled at the same time by the prospect that the two of you will be joining together as one in front of so many witnesses

When you finally walk toward him in a dress as radiant as your smile, Kirishima sheds a few tears

He definitely cries. He can’t help it! When you take his outstretched, trembling hand and stand next to him, you decide to tease him a little

You whisper, “What? Already can’t handle the prospect of marrying me? Are you going to break it off?”

“No!” His outburst is loud enough for the people in the front pews (namely your families) to hear, which startles you, but when you turn to face each other, both of your hands held in his, he leans forward and whispers, ‘No. I’m never going to let you go from now on.’

‘Come on Eiji, we haven’t even said the vows yet.’ But he can’t stop the tears, and it takes a few embarrassing yet endearing moments for you to calm him down and proceed with the ceremony

In the end, your first kiss as husband and wife at the altar is, as he tells the boys later, ‘indescribable’

There are just so many feelings running through him when he kisses you that he’s tempted to cry again

But the cheers all around you remind him this is a joyous occasion to be celebrated, and Mr and Mrs. Kirishima make a run down the aisle while petals are being thrown and congratulations echoing around them

It finally comes down to the first dance, and Kirishima’s got adrenaline pumping through his veins even before the music starts

He’d had a few glasses of champagne earlier to calm his nerves but the alcohol hasn’t been kicking in and it’s almost time—

He feels a hand clutch his and the moment he looks at you, all inhibitions fade

He’s ready to kill it on that dance floor with you

Needless to say, the dance goes superb and gets rave reviews from the guests, if the whoops and the whistles are anything to go by

By the end of it everyone is up and dancing and Kirishima just can’t keep the beaming smile off his face

The second time Kirishima cries is when he’s dancing with you to a ballad, as he holds you close to him, feeling every inch of your body against his and having your wonderful, beautiful self so close

You notice the silent tears dripping down his face and place a hand to his cheek, ‘What’s wrong, Ei?’

‘Nothing’s wrong. That’s just it. Everything’s so right in this moment that I feel I’ll never experience this ever again.’ And since he’s not so sober at the moment, he blurts out the whole of what he’s really thinking. ‘I just think about how I got here, with you, and I don’t know if I’ve unknowingly traded all my life’s happiness away for this one day.”

He waits for the usual pep talk you always give him when he tells you he doesn’t deserve you or any of this, or a ‘don’t be silly’ kind of logical dismissal he might expect from Bakugou, but you look him in the eye, and through his blurry vision your smile is still as bright as it was on the day you first met

‘Well, even if you’re forever sad from now on, I know I can only feel eternal happiness after this. So I’ll be nice and share some of that happiness with you, because we’re one now.’

This time the tears really come pouring lmao

Everyone mocks him for being such a crybaby afterwards but all Kirishima can think of is now that he’s given you his last name, he’s going to continue giving you all the happiness in the world

[beatleslsd]

Omg can you do a ringo smut where he's has a major humping kink and he's obsessed with her boobs omg and he takes sexy nude pics of her during their steamy session lol

strip for me

word count: 2.2k

summary: ringo has been down because he hasn't been able to have "personal time" with you due to your busy schedule.

*requested*

He was coming back today, it's been months since you've been able to see Ringo, tours always took tolls on your relationship, as it would for anyone. You and Ringo have been married for a year now, and unfortunately, your anniversary fell when he was away, your first anniversary and he was on tour. Obviously, the two of you called, and you sent letters, but it wasn't the same. You knew Ringo was upset about it also, so when he came home it was about pleasing him. Even while he was at home since he was so busy getting ready for the tour, you two had to put off sex, either he was too busy or exhausted, but now he was coming back, and you had things in store for him. How you missed your husband.

You where to meet Ringo at the airport at noon, you decided on wearing something casual not wanting to show up in something that would make the other boys raise an eyebrow. You would play the sweet wife, but you knew what your end goal was.

You played innocently when you greeted the boys, giving Ringo a sweet hug, and a loving kiss, letting him hold you close and tell him how much he missed you. You held onto his hand as you stayed with the boys until Brian released them. You were so anxious to get home.

"You look so beautiful today, love." Ringo complimented, you smiled and leaned in to kiss him.

"Let's get going," you smiled at him and squeezed his hand. He loaded his baggage into a cab after opening the door for you to get it. You smiled to yourself, anticipating yourself for when you got home. Ringo has clearly been upset from not seeing you, and not being as sexually active as you used to be due to his busy schedule. You and Ringo held hands all the way home, you rest your head on his shoulder, cuddling close to him.

"I've missed you, Ritchie," you said once you both finally entered your house.

"I've missed you too, baby." Ringo gave the most beautiful smile you've ever seen, you could have sworn just by seeing it you would melt. "Let me unpack real fast," he gave you a quick kiss on the cheek dragging his bags upstairs, and you groaned.

"Rings," you whined following behind him, craving attention.

"Give me a second love, I got a present for you." He said with a big smile. You tried to look over his shoulder to see what was in his luggage but he stopped you. "Now now now, you gotta wait, doll." He laughed when you pouted, and sat down as he finished unpacking, trying to steal looks here and there but you didn't see anything. You sighed picking up a book from the nightstand waiting for your husband to finish unpacking.

A few minutes after you where reading you felt another weight go onto the bed causing you to look up to see Ringo on the end of the bed with something behind his back, and you gave him a confused look raising your eyebrows.

"I saw this out in one of the shops in America, and I couldn't help but picture you in it." He spoke in a dominate voice, before revealing what was behind his back. It was a set of burgundy lingerie, a lace tulip hem, with a silk bow in between the boob area, and the straps were also a silk material. You gave him a cheeky grin taking the set from him, placing a quick kiss on his lips. You scooted yourself closer to him, tugging on his pants. He quickly unbuttoned his jeans pulling them down, his boxers following.

You smiled up at him, reconnecting your lips fiercely, moving your hand down to his semi-erect dick as your tongues fought for dominance. He shivered at the contact, and you slowly made your hand up and down, taking my time, swirling my hand around his sensitive tip, causing him to release small whimpers into your mouth. You pulled back your faces still close as you let out a gentle laugh.

“I love you,” Ringo said with such an innocent look in his eyes, besides the situation we were in. His puppy blue eyes searched for yours, and you offered a soft smile.

“I love you too Ritchie,” your smile growing as you said the words. You got off the bed, propping yourself up on your knees in front of John, giving him a small kiss on the tip, before taking him slowly in your mouth. You teased him a bit my tongue slowly trailing around the top.

“Please stop teasing darling, I’ve missed you.” You decided since you guys haven’t been able to anything lately, to give into him right away. Due to Ringos size being ‘above average’ you still had to take him in slow, especially since you haven’t had him in a while. You gagged a bit, but you were determined to take him fully. You placed your hands around the area you could not yet fit in your mouth as you bobbled your head. You smiled in triumph when Ringo let out low moans of pleasure, lacing his hands into your hair, moving my head down a bit to take him in further. You gagged once again, but you finally eased your away around his full length.

Ringo wasn’t one for talking during intimate sessions, maybe a few I love yous, and your name would leave his mouth but it was mainly shaky breaths, so when you heard his moans getting louder you knew you were doing a good job. You started to play with his balls, as you continued to suck. He gripped onto your hair harder as your movements became faster. He started to moan your name signifying that he was close. I mischievously removed my mouth from his cock and whined.

“We’ll play more tonight,” you smirked, before exiting the room, leaving a very displeased Ringo. You went downstairs to make dinner for you and Ringo feeling a little bad, but you knew doing so would cause Ringo to be more rough with you tonight, and you need that.

The dinner was quiet, and you left the dinner table early as Ringo continued to eat. You went over to his seat wrapping an arm around his chest, giving a kiss on his cheek. “Meet me in the bedroom once you are done, love.” You said softly in his ear. He smiled and gave you a kiss before continuing to eat. You went upstairs to our room, looking at the lingerie that was placed on the bed. You smirked to yourself slipping on the lace. You looked at me at the full-length mirror, smiling. You put my hair into braided pig-tails knowing that Ringo liked it when you did that.

You heard footsteps coming up the stairs and you hurried and sat down on the bed anticipating myself for Ringo. You heard a hand on the other side of the doorknob, and you looked up innocently at Ringo when he entered the room. “Get the rope out, darling.” He spoke in a dominate voice, the smile not leaving your face as you got up going to the closet to follow his commands the excitement already bubbling up within me. I grabbed the rope from the top shelf which was buried behind some stuff due to use not being able to do anything so it just fell to the back.

Ringo came up behind you wrapping his arms around your waist as he trailed kisses down your neck. “Is this alright, doll?” He questioned, just to be sure, and you nodded right away.

“Of course,” you turned around so you could kiss him, the rope still in your hands.

“Put the rope down, I want you to strip for me first princess.” you smiled up at him, setting the rope on the night table. When you turned back Ringo was already getting undressed, and you lead him to the bed, sitting him down earlier like he was when you were going down on him. I straddled his lap, kissing him forcefully. “Before you get undressed could I take a photo?” Ringo pulled away so he could ask, and I smiled widely.

“Of course baby, let me get the camera.” You replied, getting off of his lap to grab the camera, blushing lightly as you handed it to him. His smile grew as you posed for the camera, feeling a bit awkward even though it was just Ringo, and you have taken plenty of dirty photos for him when he would go on trips or tour. You headed over towards Ringo once he was satisfied with the photos setting the camera by the rope, you straddling him once again. You rubbed yourself up against Ringo’s thigh letting your head fall to his shoulder, kissing his bare skin and sucking lightly, a low growl escaped his mouth as you did so.

“You’ve been a naughty girl,” Ringo spoke, and once again you looked up innocently at him as you slowly began to strip for him, taking your time as he adored and admired your body. You stood up taking down your underwear, your fingerings lingering on your body, Ringo started to play with your breasts causing you to moan in surprise. You unhooked the lingerie so he could play with your bare breasts.

“On the bed, love,” Ringo ordered, and you did as told laying in the middle of the bed on your back your whole body exposed, and Ringo reached over you for the rope. “Tell me if it’s too tight,” he looked at you softly, and you nodded as he started to wrap your wrists up to the bedpost tying the rope tightly so your wrists wouldn’t slip, but not too tight to where it really hurt. “That good?” He questioned, again with a soft look and you nodded. “You’re doing fantastic love, I’m just gonna take another photo.” You smiled up at him and reached down to give you a kiss before getting the camera to once more take a photo of you.

Ringo crawled onto you placing the camera back on the nightstand, and he reattached your lips kissing passionately. The kiss was short lasted, and Ringo started to trail kisses down your body, stopping at your boobs so he could play a bit more with them, putting his mouth around the left one while his hand on the right. Soft whimpers escaped your mouth as he continued to stimulate your breasts.

Once he was satisfied he began to trail kisses down your body once again, his mouth getting dangerously close to your private making you shiver at his touch. His fingers also making its way down, getting wetness from your folds to slip in his fingers, two fingers roamed inside, your back arching with pleasure, and your moans progressively started to get louder as he fingered me and started to eat me out. This went on, him going faster causing you to pull at the ropes feeling yourself get closer just for him to pull out and stop.

“Ritchie,” I whined out, and he let out a laugh.

“Don’t worry princess, unlike you I won’t leave you.” His words making you feel a little bad, but you had no time to think because Ringo was fast, and he entered fast not giving me time to adjust causing you to cry out in both pain and pleasure. You could feel mascara mixed in with your tears run down as Ringo continued to go into you fast and hard. You were sure you were quite the sight, legs spread out wide, your arms tired back to either side of the bedpost, with makeup running down, shamelessly moaning out Ringo’s name.

You felt yourself get close to your climax, and you knew Ritchie was close to his. Your walls tightened around his dick, and you whined out his name as he rode out your high, it felt like bliss.

Ringo pulled out quickly, finishing on your stomach, and you rolled your eyes back before closing them still feeling lingering pleasure. “Thank you, love, I needed that,” Ringo said, however, he didn’t untie you yet and you pulled at the rope.

“Give me a second, I want to take one last photo, you look absolutely stunning.” He said reaching for the camera, taking one last photo of you. After setting the camera back down, he untied you, giving you kisses as he did so. He laid down next to you, putting the rope next to the camera, and he turned to you pulling you close, your bare skin in contact which made you feel a little hot.

“Ringo, we have to clean up.” You said, trying to push him off.

“I’ll just put the sheets in the wash in the morning, I want cuddles now, I’ve missed you.” He said softly, once again giving you kisses, and you couldn’t help but smile. You hid your face into his chest, and he chuckled and played with your hair letting you drift off to sleep.

[makemyskinyoursanctuary]

I hope you take the time to read this. Her story deserves to be heard. For months now, people have been telling me that I am so strong, but my mother was the definition of strength. She was also humble, generous, brave, funny, beautiful, stubborn, selfless and my hero. I'm not sure she ever understood the impact she left on people, especially me. Her story is heavy, from beginning to end. She never let me feel any of the weight. This isn't a read for the light hearted, but I want people to know what a warrior she truly was. My mom was born in Saigon, Vietnam. She was one of six children- the rebellious one at that. She was the socialite, the troublemaker, and very independent. She was the most unique of the sisters, as she was not analytical- she thrived in all forms of art. From early on, my mom was determined to follow her passions even though my grandparents were not able support it while living under the communist reign. She saved up all of her money, bought a classical guitar & sheet music, and taught herself how to play. She used to tell me about how she had a band with her friends and they would get together to sing pop music. Late one night, when my mom was playing, communist officers stood outside and listened for hours. After she finished, they came in and destroyed her instruments and music books.They tried to arrest her for playing songs from "the old country". My grandpa had to beg and pleaded until they agreed not to take her away. My mom was always fearless. She tried to escape the country 9 times, with a few of the attempts leading to jail time. But, even in jail, she made the best of it and made friends. The tenth and final attempt was made with her sister. She was in a group of 71 with 200 people overall that were trying to escape the shore. Her group hid beneath the deck of a disguised cargo ship. Between the captin not making it aboard and the storms that blew them far into the ocean, the two day trip turned into surviving 3 days and 4 nights in the terrifying waters. When they came into the sights of the pirates, they were luckily left alone and not pillaged like many ships before them because of the direction they were coming to shore from. They landed and began their chapter in refugee camps. There they stayed in camps in Thailand and the Philippines for two very difficult years, sometimes not having any food or water. My mom told me stories about sleeping on the ground under trees and collecting rain in plastic bags just to have water to drink. In 1983 the United Nations sponsored my mom and aunt and they moved to Utica. Her fight for the American dream was never easy. She had her heart set on going to college but had to take a job to provide for her and her sister. My mom ALWAYS had the strongest work ethic. She eventually married my father, got the chance to complete a degree in the Science of Photography and then opened our family legacy of Aversa Photography. My parents were a power house. Their business was undeniably one of the best studios of its time. They poured everything into the business and worked around the clock. My mom’s one regret was that she felt like she worked too much when I was young. When my parents eventually divorced, she became the sole owner and continued to keep the business going in case I ever wanted to take it over. Although I had worked in the studio for over a decade and also went to college for a Photo degree, she never pressured me into taking over the business. She always wanted me to create my own legacy and chase my own dreams. She took me to cheerleading practice, piano and violin lessons, theatre and drama club, art classes, voice lessons, choir rehearsals, and even ballet for the couple months I tried it. She actually did ballet herself for a while, which I don't think very many people knew. She was always my number one supporter. She even let me have house shows when venues would back out last minute, knowing how import the local music scene was to me. She also was a huge supporter of my friends. She put so much effort into going to their shows, galleries, and events. She treated so many of my friends as her own children. She just had a natural way of making everyone feel welcome and safe. Last May, my mom found out she might have cervical cancer. Wanting to protect me, she kept me in the dark. She wanted to get everything under control then tell me she was going to be fine. She never got the chance. In June she was forced to tell me about her diagnosis, as she was having trouble with scheduling her hysterectomy and needed me to be on call to take her, something she didn't want me to be a witness to. After a few weeks after her surgery, I took her to her follow up appointment, where the Doctor told her she was in the clear. He looked at me and said she didn't need any further treatment. It would be the same as me getting radiation or chemo because nothing was showing signs of possible cancer. I remember getting in the car after and my mom questioning it and I just tried to reassure her because I heard news that I wanted to hear. Still keeping very quiet about her health. She started to have pain in her leg and side and followed up with the original surgeon. He completely wrote her off and told her that she must be sleeping funny and to follow up with her primary doctor. They scanned and found no cause for the pain, no blood clot, nothing, but during her yearly appointment, her GYN reviewed all the reports and discovered that it stated that there were large fragments of mass remaining in her cervix all along. She fought with her insurance again to get a biopsy. Once again, she kept this from me because she never wanted me to worry. I'm very grateful for her friends that helped her through these times. When she got the biopsy finally scheduled after weeks and weeks, she broke the news that she may not be ok. I took her to get the biopsy and wanting to protect me as always, she waited until after Thanksgiving to tell me the news. My mom was a stage 4 with pelvic cancer. The months that followed were hard and painful. We went in and out of the emergency rooms dealing with the side effects of chemo. She suffered from multiple blood clots, a failing kidney, hallucinations, and hearing that she didn't have options left, but she didn't give up. My mom didn't want to give up for me. She agreed to go to the Roswell Cancer Center in Buffalo and keep fighting. She went through six full rounds of chemo and we hit a dead end. The doctor said we could try to do surgery to alleviate some of her discomfort and maybe eventually try other treatments. In late April, my mom went into surgery and two hours later the doctor came out to speak to me. I'm pretty sure my heart and time stopped completely. I thought he was going to tell me he lost her, as the surgery was so complex, however, he gave us news of a miracle. They were able to remove almost all off the mass and said that she should be able to have many good years ahead, with a few precautionary treatments. The day after the surgery, my mom stood up and walked on her own for the first time in so long. I remember her looking over to Sean and I with tears in her eyes thanking us as she processed everything that had happened to her. This was the first time in so long we felt real hope. She was released, and we took her home to Syracuse. She walked up and down stairs, cooked once in a while and started to have a little bit of life again. Within a few weeks her stomach swelled, and we found out the mass returned. Along with that came the pains in her leg and she once again lost most of the ability to walk. The doctor performed another surgery and placed a drain from the mass in hopes to shrink it to possibly do radiation. I took her to her radiation consultation in June, a year after she told me about her original diagnosis. They said radiation was absolutely not an option. They were going to try a different type of chemo and the chances of it working were below 30%, but if she wanted to they would try. I promise you there is only one worse feeling than explaining to your mother that we've reached the end of the rope. With the little bit of her that was left she decided to try the chemo knowing the chances. Because life wasn't tough enough as is, we lost my grandma the weekend before her scheduled chemo session. My mom was so tough. She wanted to see my grandma off and pay respects and come with us the long, grueling, 4-hour drive to Massachusetts. I think in her heart of hearts she knew it was the last chance to see the whole family at once. We came back that Sunday and Sean took her to chemo on that Tuesday. She really loved Sean and had a special bond with him the entire time she lived with us. When they got home, everything seemed fine. She didn't seem to have any really bad side effects this time around and then Friday came. We called an ambulance and she spent the next two weeks in emergency rooms fighting off sepsis. She spent her last Birthday in the hospital. That's something I'll always hate. Over the two weeks she was in the hospital Sean and I talked and decided we were going to move back to Utica. We didn't know if she had years left, but either way we were willing to commute everyday so that she could be with her community again. She had so many friends from all over, many of which didn't know the gravity of the situation (which I think is why I feel the need to write all of this). When we told her, she tried to fight us, because once again she was looking out for me. She often told me she hated that she was a burden. To this day, I still feel like going through this whole year or so was an honor, but we aren't getting into that yet. When she was finally released, we brought her back to her home. Within an hour people were at our door waiting to see her. My mom was such a special person. We had her next appointment for chemo and as we were driving to Buffalo I could feel something in the Universe shift. I knew this was going to be our last visit. I knew what they were going to say. She was too weak for any treatment. She was angry at the news. She didn't want to stay for her remaining appointments, she just wanted to go home. I had to sit there and plan out Hospice and watch my mom's heart shatter. The ride home however was not as grim as I expected. My mom seemed like there was a weight lifted off of her suddenly and she was in good spirits. The next day we began Hospice and things seemed relatively calm. Last Friday my aunt called me at work, she was visiting my mom for the week, and said something changed. Things didn't seem right. I rushed home and she told me my mom was doing a little bit better than when she called, but my mom wouldn't eat. Saturday morning my mom got up by herself and walked a couple feet, but by the time the night came around she was barely responsive. Sunday my mom was in incredible pain and spoke maybe 3 words. By this time all my aunts were either there, flying in, or in the car driving. I went to get some groceries to make dinner and said I'd be right back. This was the last time my mom kissed me on the cheek. She could barely lift her head or pucker her lips. I came home 15 minutes later to my aunt in the kitchen. We talked for a bit and then I went over to my mom. The time had come, it was beginning. She stopped responding. She was breathing but wouldn't wake up. The next couple days and nights were spent by her bedside. I slept in a chair at night holding her hand. I left to go see the funeral director as we knew it was a matter of time and got the call that it was starting. I rushed home trying to make it in time, but when I walked through the door she was gone. Everyone believes she waited until I wouldn't see, protecting me yet again. I have something inside me that's pushing me to tell these hard parts of her story. She would want anyone to keep fighting. She would want them to not believe the first doctor and to get a second and third opinion. She would want her story to help someone else. My mom's faith through the entire journey was remarkable. She believed that god had a plan and that was why she forgave the original doctor. It's true she was curable at one point, but she said that if God wanted her to live she would. She didn't believe people were meant to be bitter even through all of her hardships. I remember asking her if she was afraid of dying and her concern was that I wasn't ready for her to leave. My mom is undeniably irreplaceable. She is the Queen B. She is the reason I cherish art. She is the reason why I do everything to support the music scene. She is the reason I try to find grace in all situations and only find the best in people. She is the reason I try to be selfless like her and why I will constantly fight to be a better person than the day I was before. I'll spend the rest of my life trying to be half the woman she was. I just hope I make her proud. Her struggle is over and even in her passing she continues to teach me how to find strength. There's a void in my heavy heart that will never be filled. I love you forever lady. Thank you for everything, always. I hope that wherever you may be, there are NO peppers on your pizza.

[tyson-berry-blog]

Alex Ovechkin (plus some Evgeni Malkin) #1 - Best Friends

Anon asked: can u do an Ovi or Geno one? doesn't necessarily have to be romantic since they're both married!

“What?? Emma actually posted two days in a row??” Yeah, I don’t know guys, I have felt super motivated to write these past few days so hopefully that will continue. This is my first purely platonic imagine and I thoroughly enjoyed writing it. I feel like Alex Ovechkin would be the best friend anyone could ever ask for. I hope you enjoy!

Having parents from two different countries allowed you the benefit of growing up in a two language household. Your father was born in Russia and lived there until the age of eighteen. He was only meant to reside in the United States for the duration of college but ended up meeting your mother during his sophomore years and well, that was that.

When you were born it was decided that you would be raised bilingual so that while you were raised in the United States, you would still be connected to your Russian heritage. This would prove to be a major asset later in life because it allowed for you to apply for a position in the NHL as a translator. Your kind nature and motivational attitude made you a favorite of the Russian rookies that you were hired to work with. While it was common for the rookies to be paired with seasoned players to learn English, you were brought in for the extra tutoring.

It was 2004 and your second year working with the NHL players when you were introduced to two people who would go on to become very close friends of yours. Alexander Ovechkin and Evgeni Malkin were drafted first and second overall respectively. You were stationed just off to the side of the stage to welcome them after their names were called. Alexander was called first and walked up on the stage, eyes wide with wonder. He placed the hat on his head, shook everyone’s hands and took the customary photo. He was directed off stage in your direction and when you made eye contact, you gave him a small wave.

He approached slowly, unsure of what was going on.

“Hi. Alexander is it?”

His entire demeanor immediately shifted and a bright smile lit up his face.

You shook his hand and introduced yourself as the translator and English tutor.  

His face scrunched up at the word tutor, “tutor? So you’ll be my teacher?”

“Basically yes. You and any other Russians that pass through the draft.”

The second pick was about to be announced so the two of you turned back towards the stage. Evgeni Malkin was selected second by the Pittsburgh Penguins.

You turned to Alex, “looks like I’m two for two.”

He laughed and watched as Evgeni walked down the stairs towards you. He smiled when he saw Alex but grew wary when his eyes shifted to you.

“It’s fine Zhenya. This is the translator and apparent tutor.”

“Tutor?” Evgeni’s face furrow much liked Alex’s had. “Like a teacher?”

“That’s exactly what he said,” you chimed in, pointing to Alex.

“Not too bad of an accent for an American,” Evgeni teased. 

“My dad is from Russia I’ll have you know, Evgeni.”

“You can call me Geno, all my friends do.”

“Then why did Alexander call you Zhenya?”

“Sasha is special,” the motion he made with his hands implied that special really meant crazy.

It wasn’t until the fifteenth pick that another Russian player was selected. Alexander Radulov joined your small group but his personality was nowhere near as lively as Geno’s and Alex’s.

You exchanged contact information with the three of them and let them know that their first assignment would come the following week.

“If you have any questions, do not hesitate to ask. Once your schedules are more solidified then we can arrange Skype sessions so that I can work through assignments with you. I expect weekly updates on your progress and will typically come visit once a month, assuming that my schedule permits. I encourage you all to seek English help besides me as it will allow you more one-on-one time though it is entirely possible to be successful just with my assistance, granted that you do your assignments. Any questions?”

The three of them blinked back at you, stunned, but shook their heads.

“Awesome,” you clapped your hands together. “Congratulations on being drafted, it is a big accomplishment and I wish you all the best of luck!”

By the end of the draft, you had twenty new players, all with varying degrees of English skills. The first assignment went out to them a week after the draft, just as you informed them. It was a simple worksheet meant to help you gauge their comprehension levels and get to know a little bit more about them.

Alexander, predictably, had the most outrageous answers to any of the questions. They were detailed though, which showed that while he was having a good time, he still put in the effort. Evgeni’s were not nearly as long but still funny.

Out of all twenty of the most recent draftees, Geno and Alex were the only two to interact past their lessons. It wasn’t uncommon for you to wake up to numerous texts from the two of them. With you, they could bounce between languages and not have to worry about you not understanding. Skype sessions with you would continue long after your corrected their grammatical errors and your relationship went from acquaintances to well into the friendship territory.

Nearly fifteen years later, your friendships with them were as strong as ever. You had been not only present at both of their weddings, but in their wedding parties. Your own wedding was set for a few months down the road. Your fiancé was bilingual as well but instead of Russian and English, they spoke English and French. Your poor future children were going to have to deal with learning three languages. You were exiting the post office after dropping off the invitations when your phone rang.

Before you could get out a greeting, the voice on the other end cut you off. “Who is it going to be? Me or Zheyna?”

“Alex? What are you talking about?”

“I saw your engagement photos. I’m offended that I had to find out from the internet but that isn’t what we need to talk about right now.”

“What are we talking about right now?” you were very confused. “I need some context here.”

“Who is going to be your best man? Man of honor? Whatever it’s called.”

“What? Alex, you’re still not making sense.”

Alex sighed on the other end of the line, “I know Zhenya and I are your best friends, so who are you going to choose to be in your wedding party?”

“Who said I was going to choose one of you? Maybe I was going to pick my cousin.”

“Oh you wound me!”

“Stop being so dramatic. If you act like that then maybe I will pick Geno, just to spite you.”

“You wouldn’t.”

“Are you willing to risk it?”

That shut him up.

“Besides,” you continued, “I hadn’t thought that far. Maybe you and Geno need to battle it out. Whoever wins in the Penguins/Capitals series can be in my wedding party.”

“Is that a challenge? Because I accept.”

“I was just joking.”

“Too late!”

“You can both be in my wedding party. Assuming Geno even wants to be.”

Alex snorted, “we both know that Zhenya would do anything for you. You’re his son’s god-parent! I think it’s a safe assumption that he would want to.”

“I’ll have to call and ask him.”

“I can do it.”

“As if,” you laughed. “If I left it up to you, Geno would mysteriously have been given the wrong dates and not show up so you could have the spot all too yourself.”

“Damn. You figured it out.”

“I’ve known you too long to not know the tricks you have up your sleeve.”

“So that’s a yes?”

You let out a long sigh, “I guess. If I have to.”

“I just remembered what this means.”

“What does this mean?”

“We get to throw you the stripper party!”

“It’s not called a stripper party!”

“It might as well be because every good party has to have a stripper. Everyone knows that. Oh, and vodka!”

“I don’t even like vodka.”

“Lot’s of vodka! It’s not a true Russian wedding without vodka!”

“I take it back. I am going to ask my cousin.”

“Too late,” Alex said. “So what’s your type? Stripper-wise I mean.”

“I’m hanging up on you.”

You hung up on the sound of Alex laughing so hard he started choking. Even though they were a constant pain in the ass, the two of them really only had your best interest in mind. Despite all the crazy antics they got you into, you were glad you had them in your life.

[sindrafalcone]

The Mom Ch. 3

Fandom: BIGBANG/ Choi Seung Hyun

Synopsis: Baek-il (100 day celebration)

Warnings: Fluff... with just a hint of foreshadowing.

Author’s Note: Just a heads up, if you’re reading this without having read the first three parts... you are going to be SO confused when the drama starts. I’m just sayin’... Also, this is a short chapter. I’m not apologizing for it, just letting you know in advance. :)

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. This story contains fictional representations of real people. None of the events are true. This is from an American standpoint, so some of the situations may not happen the same way they might in Korea. I make no money from the writing of this fictional work.

Masterlist

“It's crazy...” your husband whined into the phone. “Everywhere we go, every fan meeting, all they want to do is ask about the twins!”

“Awwww... are you jealous, yeobo?” you chided him.

“No!” he replied quickly. “Well... maybe a little bit.”

You laughed out loud at that & it made Seung Min let out a little startled noise from where he was laying in your lap. For some odd reason, the boy had woken up early from his afternoon nap. His sister was still sound asleep in the crib.

“Oh, I'm sorry baby...” you cooed at your son. “Did mommy surprise you laughing at daddy? I just can't help it. He's so silly sometimes.”

You tickled his tummy and he let out a delighted gurgling sound. From the phone pressed up to your ear, you heard Seung Hyun sigh.

“I miss that sound.”

“I bet you don't miss the screaming in the middle of the night.” you said.

“No.” he admitted with a chuckle. “I definitely don't miss that. Hey... hold the phone up to his ear for me? I want to try something.”

You did as he asked and a moment later you could hear Seung Hyun start talking to his son. Seung Min's head instantly turned toward the phone at the sound of his father's voice. He wiggled around in your lap and even batted one tiny fist at the screen. Then he did something that he had never done before... he smiled.

“Oh my god!” you squealed, bringing the phone back up to your ear.

“What? What happened?” Seung Hyun asked, thoroughly confused.

“He smiled.” you giggled, barely able to control your happiness. “You made Seung Min smile!”

“That's no fair! I can't see it!”

“Hang on. Talk to him again and I'll snap you a quick picture.” you soothed.

You held the phone back down to the baby's ear so that he could hear his daddy's voice again. After a few more squirms, he smiled again & you quickly pulled to phone away so that you could snap the photo. With a few quick taps, you'd sent it to Seung Hyun.

“There. Did you get it?” you asked anxiously.

There was a pause on the other end of the line and made you wonder if the call had been dropped, but then you heard a gasp.

“Oh, wow... he looks so cute!” Seung Hyun gushed.

“Just like his daddy.” you said, leaning forward to rub noses with the baby.

Suddenly there was a cry from upstairs that made you sigh, the time that you got to spend talking to Seung Hyun never seemed like enough.

“I take it she's awake then?” your husband laughed.

“Sure sounds like it.” you said, already standing up and adjusting Seung Min in your arms & heading for the stairs.

“I've got to go anyway.” Seung Hyun said. “Thanks for the picture, yeobo. Give my girl a kiss for me. I love you.”

“Love you too.” you replied, just as you cleared the last step.

You strode into the nursery and placed Seung Min down in the crib before picking up his sister. The second she was in your arms, she quieted down.

“Drama queen...” you huffed under your breath, leaning forward to give her a peck on her chubby little cheek. “There... that's from your daddy. Now let's get you changed so you can eat.”

And so, the month passed by excruciatingly slowly... with daily phone calls and occasional Facetime. You were slowly learning how to juggle both babies all on your own and their budding personalities were just starting to emerge.

To you, it seemed like the twins perfectly embodied the dual personalities of their father. Sung Ja was loud and attention seeking, where Seung Min was more quiet and introverted. It both amused and annoyed you to no end & even your in-laws were quick to pick up on the similarities.

It wasn't until two days before the twins baek-il that your husband finally made it home. You had just drifted off to sleep when you felt the bed dip next to you. Groggily you mumbled until Seung Hyun wrapped his arms around you, pulling your back into his embrace.

“Shhhhh, gongju-nim. Go back to sleep.” he soothed, pressing a kiss to your shoulder.

The next morning, you awoke to the sound of your husbands deep, rumbly voice coming from across the hallway. You knew that he was talking to the twins & so you cuddled down into the covers, intent on spending a few precious moments to yourself before having to feed them.

Soon enough though, he came into the bedroom balancing one baby on each arm.

“Which one first?” he asked you with a smile.

“Seung Min, I think...” you said, sitting up and adjusting yourself. “He's a bit faster, if only just.”

Your husband handed the boy off to you before sitting down on the bed, cradling his daughter in his arms. Once your son was properly latched and feeding you turned your eyes to Seung Hyun.

“Hey there, handsome. Long time, no see.” you playfully teased.

He leaned forward, giving you a quick peck of a kiss. “Yeah... sorry about that.”

“You do realize that the baek-il is tomorrow, right?”

“I know.” he said, at least having the sense to sound somewhat sheepish. “It's just... Yang added an extra three fan meetings into the schedule at the last minute. There wasn't much I could do about it.”

“You're here now... that's all that matters.” you said, patting his arm in a comforting gesture.

“Is there anything that still needs to be done?” he asked. “Anything I can help you with?”

Your heart melted. There he was, offering to help you with the party when you knew he must have been exhausted from his schedule and the long plane ride home. Sure, he'd gotten a little sleep last night, but that was nowhere near enough for him to recover fully & you knew it.

“Actually, I let your mother handle most of it.”

“Wha... really?” he said, shocked.

You just shrugged. “Well... she sort of got shorted with the wedding planning. I figured, why not?”

“You're a genius, _________-ah.” he chuckled, then he kissed Sung Ja on the tip of her nose. “You hear that? Your mommy is a genius.”

The next day had both of you questioning whether or not Seung Hyun's assessment of your intelligence was right or not.

The banquet room that your mother in law had rented out for the ceremony was completely decorated in shades of blue and pink, with splashes of white thrown in. Everything from the flowers to the streamers and even tablecloths matched.

By the time you and Seung Hyun arrived with the guests of honor, there were already well over one hundred people in attendance. Security was tight & and an invitation was required, of course. But, still... all of this seemed like overkill to you for just a 100 day celebration.

Once you actually managed to make it inside and to the main table, you were very pleasantly surprised to see your brothers standing there, waiting for you. You passed Sung Ja off to Jiyong who was incredibly eager to hold the little girl. Taking your time, you gave each of the guys a long hug, having a short conversation with them before moving on to the next.

You just ignored the glares from the other ladies in the room. Yes, you knew that as a married woman you shouldn't be so friendly with other men. But these were your brothers... the women just didn't understand your bond with them & likely they never would.

The actual ceremony was blissfully short & after a quick photo session, the actual meal began. After that, there had been introductions for the twins to Seung Hyuns huge extended family on top of a wide range of friends and business associates.

The babies were surprisingly okay with everything until about three hours into the party when they began to get tired.

“Here...” Jiyong held a screaming Sung Ja out at arms length. “She needs... something.”

You laughed as you took her from him. “She probably needs a nap, or a change, or she's hungry.”

“Or all three.” Seung Hyun agreed, as he held a fussing Seung Min. “We should head home.”

“Don't forget that you all have to be over by noon tomorrow to do those interviews for the magazine.” you reminded them.

“Yes, noona.” Seungri intoned. “We remember.”

For good measure, you smacked the back of his head as you walked away from the table.

“Good, goofball. I'll see you all then.”

The following day, you were entirely grateful that the guys were all there. It made things a lot more comfortable for you when the photographers, lighting crew, reporter and heaven knew just how many crew members invaded the villa.

You had agreed to all this because Seung Hyun had convinced you that this was the best way. The plan was that the two of you would give one exclusive interview to a single magazine. That way, you weren't constantly being hounded by the press. His theory was that once the “scoop” was gone, the media attention surrounding the twins introduction would die down a little.

It also helped that the magazine in question had ties to Eleven9. Technically, you still worked there. Dong Wook had flatly refused to let you go and instead had placed you on what he called 'extended maternity leave'. Just how extended that leave was going to be had yet to be determined.

It took a long four hours of photo shoots, interviews and touring the villa before they finally left.

“Man, I thought they'd never leave.” Seungri whined as he helped you tuck the twins into bed.

“I know what you mean...” you sighed. “Between yesterday and today, I'm exhausted. Both mentally and physically.”

He slung an arm over your shoulder, the two of you quietly leaving the nursery behind, the soft sounds of the lullaby album playing in the background.

“Why don't we get some takeout and just hang out for a while?” he offered. “The six of us... just like old times.”

You laughed. “It's not been that long! But yeah... I like the sound of that.”

“Great!” he smiled so big that it lit up his eyes. “Let's see if we can make Jiyong-hyung pay for it!”

A few weeks later...

The woman's eyes scanned the covers of the magazines randomly. She wasn't really looking for anything in particular, just something to distract her from how miserable her life had become. She glanced lazily through each section... sports, gardening and DIY, fashion, cooking, crafts, cars and mechanics.

It wasn't until she hit the music and entertainment section that something caught her eye that had her eyes widening and her head doing a double take. She reached out to pick up the magazine with trembling fingers, although she couldn't decide if it was rage or envy she felt. Carefully, she read the title:

Meet the crown Prince and Princess of Kpop!

For a while she just stared incredulously at the smiling picture of you and Seung Hyun holding the twins on the cover before opening the magazine to see which page the article was on.

When she located the table of contents, she read the quick blurb about the article:

An in depth & personal interview with the first King of Kpop to have children. Features a look inside the twins lavish lifestyle, intimate at home photos, a nursery tour and interviews with the other Bigbang “Uncles”. Plus the romantic tale of how The Nanny managed to win over the elusive rapper. Read all the details, starting on page 62!

“Well... I'll be damned.” she huffed, snapping the magazine shut.

She tucked it carefully under one arm and started walking over to the little cafe within the book shop. The woman knew that this bit of information required further study... the magazine was just the beginning.

[coexistxcoldrain]

Soul Meets Body

Title: Soul Meets Body (AO3 Link, please visit! :) ) Author: yaoionshavedice / hesonlytiny Rating: Explicit Warnings: Smut Ship: Masato/Colin; MasaHiro Words: ~30.000 Summary: “Don’t worry, no need to pay me back. This won’t make me broke.” After that, he actually put an honest smile on display; one of those that reached your eyes and made your ears move. I had to say, I was caught slightly by surprise and felt too perplexed to respond anything of importance. “Nice nose you have there, by the way.” Notes: Not a native speaker! Please do give constructive criticism :) I know this ship is ... not rare, but rather non-existent. So I’m sure it’s hard to get into if you’re not familiar with one of those lovely men. There’s a few links and pictures on my AO3 story if you’d like to have some more information. Have fun <3

Soul Meets Body

Chapter 01

“Hey, man. Don’t wanna pester a stranger for change but … my card isn’t working. Can you lend me a buck or two?”

The weird guy in front of me lifted his head in confusion as if I had accidentally said something in Chinese instead. His tousled dark hair peeked out under his black beanie. That’s strange, I recalled myself thinking, if it weren’t for his rainwater blue eyes, I could have easily mistaken him for a fancy black-and-white painting. And because I was starting to feel awkward about this whole thing, I felt like adding a rushed “I swear I’m not a beggar, I’ll give it back to you. See, I’m not from here …”

“Obviously,” he remarked dryly and lowered his head again in search for some coins. “We don’t go around with change that often here anymore.”

Something about his accent was drawing me in; making me want to focus solely on his lips when he spoke. It wasn’t as though I was an expert on British dialects – I really couldn’t tell if he was from London or any other random place – but his words left his throat so smoothly and yet tugged so heavily on his tongue it left me befuddled.

“The credit card wave hasn’t hit Japan all that hard yet,” I laughed awkwardly but waited for a satisfying reaction from him in vain. He certainly wasn’t the extroverted happy-go-lucky type by any means. Maybe those prejudices were true after all.

“Thought you’d be from America – judging by your accent.”

At this remark, I paused for a moment. I knew he didn’t mean any harm, though I had to face this kind of reaction on a daily basis. I certainly didn’t feel a close connection to my American heritage; not like my brother did, anyway. But in the eyes of the Japanese, I wasn’t Japanese enough, either. So I forced a plain smile on my lips to conceal my caution. It had been so long since I’d actually felt offended by similar kinds of comments.

“I am. I am half.”

“Half …” he mused and finally picked out the right amount of cash I’d need to buy a sandwich and handed it to me. “Don’t worry, no need to pay me back. This won’t make me broke.”

After that, he actually put an honest smile on display; one of those that reached your eyes and made your ears move. I had to say, I was caught slightly by surprise and felt too perplexed to respond anything of importance. “Nice nose you have there, by the way.”

I immediately faced the shelves in order to avoid any suspicious glances from strangers the moment he was gone. My Japanese genes were strongly imbedded in me after all. Even at 32 years of age, I couldn’t handle a stranger complimenting me.

Paralysed with painful embarrassment, I rubbed my red cheeks and waited for my head to cool down. At least the chill from the fridges in front of me was somewhat helpful. I could act calm and collected all I wanted in my everyday concert environment – in my heart I was still a shy, reluctant person.

***

I had to admit – I kept thinking on and on about that guy ever since I had left the store. Meeting him again by chance in such an enormous city, especially considering I wasn’t living here and about to move on, was, simply speaking, luck I didn’t have to spare. Band mates were noticing I was acting kinda off. Though I didn’t want to admit it to myself that this whole thing felt, oddly enough, like two twelve-year-olds falling in love at first sight. Of course, however, I couldn’t speak for him …

I was 32. Men my age were long married by then in Japan. I had had my fair share of long relationships throughout the years, though not one of them even with the slightest potential of prevailing. I could never hold onto them, they could never catch me the way I needed them to and in the end all there was left was me and the road. I know that sounded more melodramatic than an entry in a teenager’s diary. But here I was, making fun of my love life in order not to feel too sorry for myself.

The truth was: I’d really tried it with girls. I truly had. I was attracted to them … in some way. I just never quite knew what to do with them. Hard to explain. They never stuck around and I was never too sad about that fact. I moved on. I had my plans, I had my schedules, I had my music. At first, I’d thought that I was distracting myself from all that, but that was not quite it. I would be lying if I said I did not feel the slightest bit of relief whenever one of them left. It just got to me that I’d always be left alone.

Whenever we were staying longer in the same city, we were fortunate enough to get our own private hotel rooms instead of sleeping in the tour bus. And so I sat on my bed there that night – it was already far too late – and zapped somewhat dully through the channels. That’s where I spotted him. And I felt my jaw drop to the ground.

It seemed like I had some luck left after all – even if not exactly the desired amount.

I quickly found out the name of the show he was starring in and it didn’t take long for me to unearth his name. After that, I might or might not have gulped down his Wikipedia page. He was not at all unknown. Not at all. I felt as if in shock. Not that daydreaming a little about actually getting to know him better would have been realistic by any means before that. For various reasons I should not have to list, of course. But now … this changed quite a lot, didn’t it? Contacting a stranger – hard, but not impossible. Contacting a famous stranger on the other hand? I was fucked. Just not in the good way. I just felt silly how I reacted; he really got to me. I’d seen so many different people from all over the world in these past few years – and he got to me, just like that.

Colin Morgan, the page said. One year older than me. Irish. Did quite some theatre work – Ariel in Shakespeare’s “The Tempest” undoubtedly being one of his most famous ones. Won an award for the portrayal of said role. Landed the leading part in a 5 season long running show called “Merlin”. Played in films and shows together with Tom Hardy, Chris Hemsworth Colin Firth. I was baffled.

I could see he was passionate. Talented. And oh-so invitingly magnetic. My heart did a little jump. Although, I had to admit, the situation at hand could have been worse. I wasn’t quite sure whether the stalker image suited me, but at least now I knew where he was currently performing. I had locations, I had dates. And even though I should technically feel rather lousy about it all, the general bubbling thrill prevailed. I didn’t know I had it in me, acting so stalker-ish.

“Geez.” I dropped my phone on my forehead. It bounced onto the bed with an admittedly louder thud than I’d expected. I was going crazy. Not the I-eat-ice-cream-for-breakfast-kinda-crazy but a full-on I-order-a-fishing-hat-on-amazon-so-I-can-go-feed-the-local-ducks-at-6am-in-the-morning-kinda-crazy. This was ridiculous. Each and every friend of mine would spend literal hours here laughing at me.

And I couldn’t wait seeing him again.

***

My heart was thumping in my ears; my throat; my veins. I couldn’t swallow anymore. Again, I felt like 12.

So I was standing here, right in front of The Old Vic Theatre in London, eyeing the scenery from a few cautious feet apart. I couldn’t have been luckier to have the two most important factors on my side: it was our day off between two shows and he was actually performing on stage right this day. It was late already and kind of dark, minus the street lamp lights. And busy, too. I waited here in order for him to finish his show and come out, though, to be fair, I didn’t quite know how popular he was and if I even had the chance of meeting him this way. I already felt crazy enough doing this. But I would have never forgiven myself had I not tried it at least.

I nervously rubbed my palms; even though it was unhurriedly becoming spring, the nights were still chilly enough. But just as I finished that thought, the first excited pairs of spectators left the building and started lining up right in front of it, making my blood boil hot. I could feel their excitement and rush of adrenaline on my skin; suddenly the air was filled with leftover sparks and electricity. It reminded me hugely of the energy produced at our gigs and instantly felt at home and suddenly very calm.

I stood there for maybe a few dozen minutes, I didn’t count, as the entry filled with lots and lots of waiting fans. Then, he finally appeared.

In the soft shine of the street lights, his hair shimmered wet and curled around the edges of his ears, he had to have come right from under the shower. I had to admit, however, that I felt like a big old creep lurking at him from the shadows. So I hoped he’d finish the signing session soon enough. After a while I found it fascinating that his fans did not seem to ask him for any photos with him often; he mostly just signed flyers, shirts and DVD’s.

When most had already left and he had quit talking to the last two girls, I nervously scurried a bit closer; waiting for my natural impulses to kick in and do something. Maybe I should have come closer sooner, though I still felt pathetic. But as he waved them goodbye and turned to go back inside, maybe pick up his belongings, my instincts finally did show up and so, out of fear of passing up the chance, I ran the last few steps and shouted “Hey, nice nose you have there, by the way!”

I saw him stopping in his tracks and turning around again to face the odd disturbance he had run into after such a long day. I could see he was still puzzled the first few seconds; I could see it in his eyes. But then, it finally clicked and he laughed out loud at the sight of me. And what a sight that had to have been. If one could die from cringe, this would have been my clue.

“This … is not a coincidence, is it?”

“I’m afraid not, sorry,” I scratched my head in order to have anything to do with my useless hands. “But I swear I didn’t know about you when we met.”

“So … you’re saying you’ve been stalking me?”

“Can we just stop here with all the allegations and questions?” I chuckled awkwardly at my own petty joke. But he seemed to listen and understand. “No, I’ll be honest. I saw you on TV last night. And it kind of felt like a sign … maybe?”

“That’s your honest?” he grinned, but did not look me in the eyes. Now that I stood before him for the second time, I realised that he was also quite a bit taller than I was. “Tell you what. I’ll be out in, like, another half an hour. I have to discuss something first. Meet me at The Cut in a bit?”

I was too paralysed to say anything of substance then and there, really. So I nodded and got a short but endearing smile from him in return.

My head felt dizzy as he got inside again and I was left there in the cold, yet feeling weirdly giddy and hot to the touch at the same time. I didn’t even notice the chilliness surrounding me anymore.

***

“So … you’re a tourist then?”

The waitress brought us a glass of white wine and a Gin Tonic. I thanked her.

“Not quite,” I admitted and tilted my head. The vibe in the bar was smooth and calm. The lights were dimmed and rain had started to fall; drumming a soothing melody against the wide window panes. “I’m here for work.”

“Oh?” he smirked and took a first considerate sip from his glass. “So you mean business?”

I knew what he meant but for some reason I just couldn’t fully relax in his presence, so I watched him laugh about his own joke and chuckled nervously; burying my nose in my drink. “Sorry, we might have a curious kind of humour, don’t let it bother you. I’m just bantering.”

The cold liquid ran hot and nicely stinging down my raspy throat. I nodded and put on a short smile. “Say, is it often that you go for a drink with some random guy you just met or did you just feel lonely?”

“You must be kidding, I’m a busy man,” he laughed again, his ears waggling. “I would not do so if I didn’t find you attractive in any way – if I can be that blunt with you.” He put down his glass and leaned forward a few tiny inches; his voice soft and smooth, his tongue suddenly light as air. “I mean, I assume you must be feeling the same way. Or else you wouldn’t have stalked me, right?”

“When you put it like that, it sounds so pathetic,” I grinned and shook my head; the heaviness of my thoughts and concerns slowly dripping from my shoulders. He just had this all-encompassing presence surrounding him like a fine mist; I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. It was strange, but in a very good way. He certainly did not look as witty and sharp as he actually was. I wasn’t used to that at all but as I warmed up to the idea bit by bit, I felt more at ease opening up to him. So I unconsciously shuffled a bit closer even. “I just couldn’t get you out of my head, frankly.”

“So that’s settled then, I guess,” I heard him muse as he swayed his wine glass in a mindful manner. Why did I feel like that this was not the first time he did something like that? “Oh, I just realised … You haven’t told me your name. I’m Colin.”

I took his hand, all the while chuckling to myself. “I know. It’s Masato Hayakawa.”

“Masato Hayakawa … Good, now that we are no strangers anymore, it’s okay for you to get inside my car, right? Only that I don’t drive a car when I’m in London, I’m afraid.”

I shook my head as I let go of his hand, evidently amused. But the sensation of his firm grip yet soft touch lingered like a spark on my skin even seconds after the hand shake. For the first time, I actually took in his body and all I could see of it. The faint rise and fall of his clothed, broad chest; almost close enough to touch and my fingertips itched so badly for it. His bare underarms, he had rolled up the sleeves of his dark wool sweater, rested nonchalantly on the small table between us. His long, delicate fingers had been fiddling with a piece of paper after our touch, as if he was drunk with thoughts – but instead he looked me right in the eye the second I lifted my gaze again. Abruptly, a sharp pain in the pit of my stomach – but an enjoyable one at that.

“I took the Underground, too,” I heard myself say in a cushioned, faint voice. Not any one of us could deny the obvious attraction we felt for each other any longer, not if we wanted to.

“Where you’re staying at?”

“You couldn’t get any blunter now, could you?

***

The second we closed the door behind us, he pushed me up right against it. With his mouth muffling my thoughts and worries, he drummed long forgotten sensations inside my veins instead; replaced the dark, twisted voices. I couldn’t think, I couldn’t breathe. It was just him engulfing me as though there had never been anyone else.

Somewhere along the line we had lost our jackets.

It had been so long for me. Not necessarily the physical part per se; but that I actually felt something. Lust, desire, passion … I just knew that I wanted him. I didn’t think about what came after. This was the only thing that mattered right now.

I certainly wasn’t keen on admitting it, but it was so immensely pleasant to let someone else be in control that, on top of it all, was also quite a bit taller than yourself. He pressed up against me so effortlessly and stole my breath, tucked at my shirt and brushed through my damp hair. I could have sworn his hands were everywhere and surrendering to them was just so easy.

Unhurriedly, he licked the sensitive skin on my neck where my heartbeat pulsated vigorously underneath the Vena tattoo. I felt him tracing each and every stroke of black ink and I clawed at his sweater; almost desperately.

After all that, he wordlessly dropped to his knees, kissing down my hip bones towards my happy trail and then looked up.

“Whoah, whoah, you’re sure?” I exclaimed, seemingly out of breath and slightly shaky myself.

“What did you have in mind then, princess?” He did it again; just like that. Muted me with a snap of his fingers, any words of resistance I might have had – gone. Where did he take all that confidence from? No one ever called me “princess” in situations like these; but I had to admit, I liked it. “Don’t you want to feel my tongue on you?”

He licked the sensitive skin down there, unbuttoned my jeans with one hand; meanwhile, the other one dragged lazy strokes across my chest from under my shirt. It felt heavenly. “I–I do …”

“See, doll, wasn’t that hard now, was it?”

“Oh, it’s hard,” I laughed, as he finally tugged at my pants and pulled them down; my hard on tenting my briefs. He intently traced the shape of my dick before he let his hot breath flow over the fabric. I twitched. My fingers wandered intuitively towards his head; brushing through his hair, dragging at the strands. It felt so good to be with someone who knew exactly what he wanted. To feel my own fever be met with at least the same amount of hot anger and ecstasy.

I didn’t leave the hotel tonight in order to find someone to have sex with – but our bodies exhaled that kind of electricity that made you wonder if there could have been any other outcome than this one to begin with.

Finally, he slipped my shorts down to my ankles. Seeing that now the tightness of the fabric was gone and a delicate chill brushed my skin, I shuddered; overwhelmed with all these new sensations. Didn’t know I could even feel anything like this.

I couldn’t bring myself to look down, as he let his tongue wander from the base of my hard cock to the tip. I gasped, he grinned; I felt it on my skin. Assertively, I pushed my hips forward and his head closer to my groin; and instead of resisting and lecturing me in his I-know-better-voice, he obliged and took in my full length. Overwhelmed, I threw my head back against the door; eyes closed and breath drawn in sharply, his own moans muffled. I couldn’t even realise how far he could take me in without any effort whatsoever. My head felt dizzy and feverish hot.

Slowly but surely, he established a firm rhythm; one hand on my hip, the other alternating between jerking me off and massaging my balls. I didn’t even have to think about holding myself back; my first hesitant, testing thrusts now meeting his movements harder, faster and rougher. He didn’t complain at all, quite the contrary, really; under my shallow breath, I heard him moan and sob around my cock, but his pace only got more rapid.

This whole situation fucked me up so badly, I didn’t even know where my head stood anymore. Every inch of my skin prickled as though his hands were still wandering across my body. My stomach felt hot and I could not grasp a single thought. Somewhere along the line I heard him open his fly and pull out his own dick but at this point, I really could not say anything, respond to anything, let alone interfere in what he was doing. The still functioning part of my brain told me that he was about to jerk himself off while sucking my dick, even though I would have died to taste him myself, but I was not able to interrupt him.

The warm pressure and the awareness that it was this beautiful man who willingly took in my full length let me finally lose my head completely. Our matching rhythm grew hastier and more careless. Maybe I hurt him with my fast thrusts, though if I did, he seemed to like it. I desperately yanked at the locks on his head that I could reach and hold onto; moaning all the way and relishing in the fact that he was hopefully exhaling sounds of pleasure while he was choking on my cock.

“W-wait … I’m coming–“ was all I could croak out in my current state, though of course he did not stop. Then a huge wave of electricity jerked through my body; if it wasn’t pitch-black behind my eyelids to begin with, now it was.

It took me a few seconds to realise that I had come in his mouth and he was still indulgently sucking and licking at my dick; cum already swallowed.

Now I grasped that I was panting; felt the rise and fall of my own chest. My arms limp and totally out of energy; I leaned against the cold door and brushed through his damp hair. We hadn’t even turned on the lights.

“Will you stand up? I want to kiss you.”

After another soft lick, he wiped his mouth sloppily and got to his feet; still this never-disappearing kind of smirk tugging at his lips. “Sorry, I might have just ruined your shoes.”

I chuckled breathlessly. “That’s fair enough, I guess.” With my hand behind the back of his head, I pulled him closer to me until our noses and foreheads touched. I could hear his pulse. A weirdly intimate moment between two strangers; so much more affectionate and warmer than the act before. Then I finally touched his lips with mine.

A soft kiss, not rushed by any means. I could taste the faint characteristic bitterness on his tongue but it only made me love this more. I pulled him even closer to me – my fingertips still itched.

***

“That was not your first time, though, was it? With a man?”

I shook my head no but realised he could probably not see it in the dark. I lay on the big king sized bed while he stood at the open window, smoking. “No. Never had a real relationship with one, but I’ve had my fair share of flings. With one guy.”

“Did you want more?”

“No, he did.”

“I see,” he mused, exhaling slowly, probably thinking. “I’ve slept with a few guys. But I couldn’t get over this one in particular. Isn’t it always like this?”

“The irony,” I agreed, rustling on the bed sheets. Even though the street noise entered through the window and soaked our hair and minds, I still could not concentrate on any other sound than on that of him inhaling the nicotine. “What we want is what we don’t get and what we get is not what we want.”

After a while, he closed the window, had probably finished smoking, only to turn around with a huge gesture; a smile plastered all over his face in the dark. “Was he as good looking as me?”

“Oh, quite the opposite,” I blurted out before quickly realising what I had just said and started backtracking. “I– didn’t mean he’s ugly. He’s just … short, blonde, petite, bratty … very Japanese-ish. He’s the opposite of you.”

“You don’t like the opposite of me?”

Even though we just had sex, him acting so obviously flirty with me, in such a witty and positively provocative way on top of it all, still left me dumbfounded. I had never actually questioned myself why I hadn’t liked my former affair the way he had liked me. After meeting Colin, however, I wondered why I had never felt this giddy and complete with anyone I had ever been with before. It felt so easy.

All these stories about “love at first sight” … how true could they be?

Through the blurry darkness, occasionally illuminated by street lights and passing cars, I watched him stroll towards the other end of the room. “What is someone like you supposed to do with a piano inside their hotel room?”

He let his fingers glide over the wood surface, hesitantly sitting down in front of it. “What do you mean ‘someone like me’?” I laughed.

He chuckled silently to himself as he opened the cover deliberately, almost as if he was remembering some long forgotten, nostalgic memory that he had softly carried in his soul. I instantly grew more attentive; my eyes fixed on his delicate outline in the dark.

The tune he then played reached my ears only faintly but oh so very pleasantly like shallow river water you dip your naked feet in when summer is at its peak. Even though I didn’t know the song that was on his mind, I could tell it was dear to him; he had to have played it a lot gentler and slower than the original would have sounded. After a while had passed, he chimed in.

I do believe it's true

That there are roads left in both of our shoes

But if the silence takes you

Then I hope it takes me too

So brown eyes I'll hold you near

'Cause you're the only song I want to hear

A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere

As always, I was a prisoner to my thoughts and inactions. My instinct told me to get closer to this melody which let the hairs on the back of my neck stand up; but instead I stood there, motionless. When will this guy stop putting me in such a constant state of awe?

“I know I’m not the best singer,” he smiled loudly. “I’m an actor after all. But, you know, when you go to classical drama school …”

“You have to have vocal training too, yeah … You’re not half as bad,” I laughed, finally finding the courage to shift closer, letting my fingers wander from his shoulder to his neck. “Your voice is a tad too low for this part, though.”

“I know,” he started to explain with a soft voice, slowly turning towards me, searching for my gaze in the darkness. “But I like it. My lovers always ever had blue eyes, you know?”

I didn’t quite know what to make of this statement, really. This new side of him, a far more insecure, maybe even affectionate side, confused me even if no man was ever just black and white. I knew I didn’t have blue eyes, is all. For some weird reason, however, I felt challenged. If I was good at one thing, it was singing after all.

Tell me how do I let go?

When all I know is to hold on

Every memory that you left

Keeps me from moving ahead

Tell me how do I let go?

I never had to say a word

It's like you always saw me through

But all you ever asked of me

Was to hold you like I always do

I never had to say a word

It's like you always saw me through

But all you ever asked of me

Was to love you like I do

Tell me how do I let go?

When all I know is to hold on

Every memory that you left

Keeps me from moving ahead

Tell me how do I let go?

Frankly, I didn’t know what I was expecting, maybe laughter or amusement – an awkward smile. But Colin kept strangely silent after I had finished the view verses of the song that I had spontaneously felt like singing. The air was electrified but painfully silent. I shouldn’t feel the need to apologise for choosing such a clichéd sad song. But now that he kept quiet, I felt a bit stupid for doing so nonetheless. This song meant a lot to me and we had yet to publish it still. I had written it a long time ago but hadn’t had the courage to come forward with it. It still hurt a lot thinking about it and thus I generally didn’t.

So I was grateful for this bizarre kind of bubble we were in right now; our own world, so to speak. It didn’t feel real and maybe the past wasn’t, either. Maybe it was the orgasm after taste, the blurry light floating through the gloom or just the general vibe. But nothing here felt like reality. I would have never opened up my heart this way to a total stranger. A stranger I just had sex with, on top of that. Someone I had just met.

“You should do that professionally, man.”

Admittedly quite startled, I could only croak out a nervous little laugh at his conclusion. I didn’t plan on telling him any time soon, really. It would then somehow feel more real; too real, to be honest. I just could not seem to keep my fingers off other well-known people in the business who were not that excited at the prospect of the common mortal finding out about it. Me neither, of course. And I didn’t want to have to deal with that yet again.

“It’s called ‘January 1st–“ I whispered into the darkness because I didn’t know what else to say.

Colin was just standing up and about to say something as well when someone knocked on the door. His lips were now mere inches apart from mine.

“Er … would you?” I hinted at the bed with a funny tone in my voice I couldn’t seem to cover up and he obliged without a word. Then I opened the door; Sugi in front of me.

“Hey … I thought I heard something. Where were you earlier?” He asked in quiet Japanese.

“Ah– sorry. I thought I’d messaged you guys. I just needed to clear my head, is all. I went for a walk.”

“Not a problem, mate,” he bumped my shoulder with his fist and then pointed behind him. “We wanted to grab a pint. Care to join us?”

“Yeah,” I contemplated; having to pause a second in order to find the right words. “I’ll be there in a minute, all right?”

Sugi nodded and left to join the others in the lobby. I stood there; irrevocably back in reality again. Erratically, I closed the door. I would have loved to live in our little bubble forever but we both probably knew that that was not possible.

“Your friends?”

“Colleagues, actually.”

“You sound hot when you speak Japanese.”

I chuckled at his flirtatious remark but it only sounded nervous in my ears. That was it, then. Going for a drink, sleeping, waking up, eating, sound check, concert, in the bus and to the next city. No time to see him again. The lump in my throat was too big to swallow at this point; I had difficulties expressing what really was on my mind.

“We’re … meeting up at the pub outside.”

“So there’s my clue to go, right?”

“I’m afraid so.”

He strolled towards me from the dark corner next to the bed; holding his hands up as though declaring truce. “Hayakawa-San, it was nice to meet you.”

Instead of the anticipated kiss, he shook my hand but quickly came around and pulled me towards him. “Will you give me your phone number?” I whispered against his lips.

“I don’t have one. I promise I’ll find you.”

“You–“ I started, confused by this statement, though could not finish my thought as he finally closed the space between us to kiss me. It was a light one, not rushed at all. No passion and yet it felt appropriate under these circumstances.

“See you around, princess!”

***

“Hi, hi! Wait, please!” Someone shouted in my general direction as I was about to get on the bus. Since the person spoke English, however, no one but me felt addressed and turned around.

It was a short, well-rounded girl with long, dark hair. She looked to be Japanese, or Asian for that matter, though her accent was unmistakably British. I put on a professional smile while I paused in my tracks and heard the others ignore this small interlude. “Yes?” “Hi, sorry for interrupting you guys! I don’t want to bother you. It’s just that I was at your concert the other day and I didn’t get to meet you. I just wanted you to sign my CD.”

I had to admit, I was a tiny bit disappointed. For a second, how could it have been any different, I thought it might’ve been Colin saying goodbye. However, this girl seemed to be nice and I didn’t feel annoyed in any way. So I took the CD off her and chuckled softly. “What’s your name?”

“It’s Mio.”

“You’re Japanese?” One of the security guys had handed me a black sharpie I scribbled some words with on the cover.

“Yes. I do speak Japanese, I just feel more confident speaking English. I’ve been raised here.”

“I know the feeling,” I smiled a genuine smile before giving the CD back to her. “I’m sorry to disappoint you, but I’m afraid I’ll have to go now.” I lazily pointed at the bus behind me and the few people left standing around and watching us.

“No, no. I understand, don’t worry! I enjoyed the gig! Hope to see you again soon!”

She waved a last time before vanishing in the crowds of busy people. But it still felt like a weird encounter, I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, though. Maybe it was the fact that she was yet another hāfu, just the other way around.  Or that she would stay in London and I would have to go back to Japan, regrettably sooner than later.

***

I sure as hell hadn’t counted the days but it definitely had been months since I’d last seen him.

Japan had safely transitioned from rainy season to typhoon season and it had been yet another unbearably hot and dry but humid summer beforehand. I had witnessed the blooming of the sakura trees which had lost their soothingly pink blossoms mere five days after they had drawn their first breaths. The heavy rainfalls had soaked my sleeves not only once or twice. And now, as the cicadas sang their lullabies each night, I wondered if he still cramped his dark locks of hair underneath his beanie.

I honestly didn’t want to conjure up any gloomy thoughts because that was not like me. I had to act my hopeful and good-humoured self when I was on stage; and frankly, I wanted to. The more positive thoughts you let roam in your soul, the more effect they would have on your psyche. I lived for that, normally. But I did miss him. Not being around him was worse enough; but not even being able to communicate was as atrociously debilitating as finding yourself lost in the dark woods at midnight. Sometimes, in a quiet moment, I asked myself if he had played me after all. If he did own a phone – just not as far as I was concerned. He’d promised that he’d be in touch. And frankly, if he’d really wanted to he could have very well done it by now. I felt ashamed for admitting it even to myself – but I was too proud trying to contact him instead. I didn’t want to keep running after him like a desperate school boy. And here I was thinking that what we had felt that day was genuine and honest.

But what did they say? Life goes on. And I knew mine would. Harder and faster even than any other.

I had hidden myself listening to music in the farthest corner of the building, as I was used to be doing right before a concert to calm my nerves and get me in the right mind-set. As I was sitting there, nodding rhythmically to some random Papa Roach songs, I felt someone tapping my shoulder out of the blue. First I was startled as I was so deeply sunken into my routine but when I looked up, Hiroki stood before me; his gaze falling down on me like broken glass shards. As confused as I was at first, it all made sense since MY FIRST STORY actually was the supporting act for this concert in Nagoya. Of course I’d known this, even if I hadn’t been particularly delighted at the prospect.

“Your pre-concert habit?”

He looked to be nearly ready for their gig, too. Wearing his hair a warm brown colour these days, which suited him undeniably nicely, he did not appear to be as unpleasant as his recent behaviour had actually suggested. It made his features even softer and perfected the sparkle in his eyes when he smiled brightly.

“You know better than to bother me now.”

“I just wanted to check if you were okay,” he shrugged his puny shoulders but this annoyingly satisfied grin never quite left his lips.

“Yeah, right,” I huffed and reached for his arm to pull myself up. He didn’t even act surprised in the slightest. We must still make a good team after all. “That’s so you.”

In front of me, Hiro shuffled his feet and could not hide from the fact that he did indeed still look a bit like a little lost boy. Our love affair felt so far away; I felt so immensely dissociated from him even though we were currently facing each other. I observed the shape of his soft lips but I could not for the life of me remember how they tasted.

“You didn’t like the idea of touring together, am I right?”

“Honestly? No, I did not. Alexandros would have been quite enough. I could not provide any valid reasons, though,” I explained in a low voice, leaning against the cold wall behind me; sobering up my mind. I was not that tall, however, Hiro still only came up to my shoulders. “We perfectly managed not touring together throughout all those years. Low-key without attracting attention.”

“There’s nothing to attract attention to anymore, though …”

There was still disappointment to be heard in his high pitched voice I used to fall asleep to. After all these years and fights and tears. I knew I had broken his heart back then but I was not the one that would be able to mend it back together. And so I decided to change the subject.

“I heard about your break-down at the Budokan,” I started hesitatingly but reconsidered my choice of words and started anew. “No, what I meant was: I saw it. I felt really sorry. Those were heart-wrenching words. I know how hard it’s been for you.”

“Right … we haven’t really been talking since, huh?” Hiroki mused but at least I could not see any genuine grief reflected in his carnelian coloured eyes. “It’s been years, though. I’m fine. Thanks for caring.”

“Hey,” I said with a soothing tone to my voice and put one arm around his shoulders. They felt fragile and delicate like bare skinned branches in a storm. Foreign. How had it been like to kiss his name into the pale skin of his neck? “Let’s go for a drink after this. As friends. Maybe there’s more to talk about than we think.”

***

Seeing that Alexandros was one of Coldrain’s supporting acts too, we could not help but perform Kill Me If You Can together on stage. Going up there as mates and singing these familiar notes and words, so unlike our own songs, felt wrong in all the right ways. Suddenly, I was back in late 2015, early 2016. I was still with Hiroki, the rich sounds felt like honey on my tongue and today they were still as warm as the last sunrays we’d felt on our skin before we broke up. And when it was finally time for us to go up on stage I couldn’t help but to think about Colin one last time as I performed January 1st. We had finally published it and even though everything felt like K and both melancholy and joy swelled up inside my body thinking of him, I now also associated the song with this God damn Irish guy.

Tell me how do I let go?

When all I know is to hold on

Every memory that you left

Keeps me from moving ahead

Tell me how do I let go?

I never had to say a word

It's like you always saw me through

But all you ever asked of me

Was to hold you like I always do

I never had to say a word

It's like you always saw me through

But all you ever asked of me

Was to love you like I do

Tell me how do I let go?

When all I know is to hold on

Every memory that you left

Keeps me from moving ahead

Tell me how do I let go?

I sang these verses with each and every emotion I could evoke as I was thinking about our shared moments somewhere in the back of my mind. Trying to figure out simultaneously if I’d honestly missed him or if I was just so tired of feeling left alone. As we’d finished the song, however, and I stepped off the stage under cheers and applause from our fans crying ankōru, I again remembered that back in London this was the song I chose to sang in that hotel room. These were the lines that had come to my mind like a lost memory ready to be reawakened.

The memory of Colin’s soft touch on my neck, however … his tender looks that melted into my skin like gentle summer rain. I was not able to let him go just yet.

***

It was already far after midnight when we exited the venue; arm in arm. Frankly, I did not worry about photographers or passersby who could see us like this. It didn’t mean anything. He was the little bro of one of my best friends – people knew. We were having fun, we were laughing loudly and grins were wide; I held him close to my side by his shoulder and together we staggered through the little side streets as though we were drunk. We had let the other guys leave without us; our tussled hair still damp from the previous shower. I didn’t know what we would really be up to but we’d planned on going for a drink as friends. But right now, I felt intoxicated from his too sweet cologne and wondered if his birthmarks where still on the same spots I remembered them to be and if there was new ink to discover on his porcelain skin. I knew I probably shouldn’t sleep with my ex, but I felt so disappointed in myself and in the whole world. I knew I would probably break his heart again – but for some vile reason I felt like I deserved this one.

The earth was still cooling off and even the pavement underneath our feet appeared to still be emitting the last warmth of the late summer’s day. It was a stark contrast to those bitter cold evenings in London. The wind grazed our cheeks only so very delicately once in a while and I threw back my head to inhale the pure night air which was rich of excitement and thrill.

“You know, this feels so familiar,” I heard him purr close to my ear; our movements kind of sluggish as if we cherished every step along the way. I myself was just as eager to forget that Colin ever existed. I had to let him go. Just pretending for one night that Hiro’s moans and breathy laughter beneath my body in the sheets could freeze my unanswered longing. I knew that was kind of fucked up. “Don’t you miss our banter?”

“Sometimes,” I admitted under my breath and it wasn’t even a lie. We did have chemistry – that much was true. We’d felt an instant connection the first time we’d really spent time together. It had been interesting with him the first few months; the first year. He always said what he wanted to say, he was such a little brat and back then I was absorbed with taming him – to the point of obsessiveness even. He hadn’t learned a thing, though, but in bed he did what he was told like the good little boy he was. Yes, sometimes I missed that.

“My begging?” his grin tugged at his lips and reached from one cheek to the other as he carefully observed my reaction; as if he’d guessed my thoughts.

I let out a low growl and buried my nose in his soft hair. Still as hopeless as ever. No wonder my fingertips itched for the sensation of pressing his wrists into the hard mattress. “Your ‘yes’s’ and ‘of course’s’.”

I couldn’t help it and felt my dick twitch in my trousers at the mere thought. This here didn’t have this mysterious delicateness wafting around our heads like blue mist. There was no electricity, no pining to the extent of experiencing pain. I didn’t want to trace his collarbones with my fingertips and wasn’t going mad at the idea of him breathing out my name. I wanted to fuck him because this felt familiar; comforting. I knew how he’d react; I finally remembered how the little sobs on his tongue tasted.

“Long time no see, nice nose.”

The familiar dark voice came out of nowhere and tore at my attention in the roughest of ways. My first reaction was to persuade myself that my mind was playing tricks on me. To dissuade me from making this huge mistake I would most definitely regret in a lot of different ways. But before I could conclude any of my further interpretations, the voice spoke again and I stopped in my tracks.

“Busy?”

“That’s not fair.” I turned around with an unbelieving sigh as if I was reprimanding a ghost of my past that no one else but me was able to see. Of course it was Colin. Now. Out of all people. Why now.

“That’s kind of awkward now,” he admitted with a stiff smile that I had not seen once on his bold lips before. It made him seem more human somehow, I realised with dismay. “Isn’t it?”

Not quite knowing how to react, I let go of Hiro’s shoulders who then looked at me in confusion and mild irritation. His English was not good enough to follow our simple conversation, especially with Colin’s thick Northern Irish accent and Hiro being stressed out enough as he was. In the meantime, Colin walked closer to us in the shine of the street lights; his hands stuffed in his jeans pockets, the black beanie sitting on his head as if time had been standing still all along.

“I don’t really know what to say, to be honest with you,” I heard myself speak in a low voice as though it wasn’t me making these sounds. Time had never felt more like an eerie dream; not since back then in the hotel room. I had waited for him – for months that had felt like centuries. I had pined after and longed for him, yes, I had cried. Once. I’d been drunk and very frustrated, maybe a bit angry even. But I’d been so hopeful that we would see each other again and now, out of all times, he just appeared out of thin air? How was that fair? I was about to forget him!

“A … ‘hello’ would be good for starters?” he smiled at me; the one that made it seem like his blue eyes were closed entirely and little laugh lines appeared right underneath them. “After that … what about an ‘I missed you’? Because I know I did.”

For a second, I felt so very bad for Hiroki standing next to us like an oblivious toddler. I felt his gaze drift from me to Colin and back, but I could not force my own eyes off Colin’s. I just couldn’t explain how he did it; it was like he had magic for real. I was lost. Then he extended his hand for Hiro to grab.

“I’m sorry, I haven’t introduced myself. I’m Colin, nice to meet you.”

“Moriuchi Hiroki,” he spat out like a foul fruit but took Colin’s hand nonetheless, had to have realised what the guy in front of him wanted without actually understanding.

“This is … my ex-boyfriend,” I explained cautiously and knew that Hiroki was listening intently for key-words. On Colin’s face, however, I saw that everything had finally clicked into place.

“The fling …” he mused with a fleeting look at Hiro. He didn’t mean it in a bad way, I supposed. He ought to have remembered our night and our conversation. Yes, I had meant Hiro back then. He hadn’t been more than a fling to me in retrospect. But I also knew that this special tone in Colin’s voice when he said the word didn’t sit quite right with me, either.

“I’m sorry, but didn’t we want to go someplace?” Hiro’s Japanese sentence totally out of the blue only underlined my low-key uneasiness as it shook me back to reality and to what was actually happening then and there. I agreed – we did. And even though my lungs suddenly felt as though they were filled with water, I swallowed it down and watched as my hand crawled back on Hiro’s shoulders once more.

“Yeah, you’re right, we did,” I replied in Japanese, followed by a short, unsure glance at Colin. I was mad up to the tip of my hair; both at him for not contacting me and suddenly appearing out of nowhere with that anger inducing “I’m-Innocent”-grin. I thought as though he was probably just insecure and felt sorry for all of this too … maybe. Something about the way he shuffled his feet restlessly and perhaps he really was. He had definitely met me at the wrong moment because right now I was determined to stay angry at him and to not give in so easily even though my fingers itched yet again for his touch. Then the longing set in too and mingled with all of that built-up frustration in the pit of my stomach and suddenly I felt like vomiting. I just knew that I had to get out of there. Now.

“I’m sorry, Colin. I have plans tonight.” I swiftly thought about asking for meeting up another day or for how long he was planning on staying, solely for conversational purposes of course. But the words just weren’t eager to roll off my tongue. I saw it in Colin’s eyes that he’d expected something … anything more but it didn’t come and it hurt me, too. Subconsciously I grabbed Hiro’s shoulder harder and I only noticed when he tensed up underneath my hand subsequently.

In the fleeting shine of the street lights Colin tried his hardest not to let any more emotions play out on his face but he was a good actor after all. I could not seem to detect anything other than a thin, cold wall between us anymore. “I see. Sorry to have jumped at you like this,” he nodded and smiled warmly. “Maybe I can contact you some way? I do have a phone now, you know.”

I had to laugh out loud at his last revelation and for a moment I let go of Hiro’s shoulders. I didn’t make fun of him, I just appreciated his weird sense of humour still; even in situations like these I supposed. “Yeah. Yeah, go on. Give me your number, I’ll message you.”

I was somewhat surprised when he could tell me his own number right off the bat. I had difficulties recalling my own number still and it hadn’t changed in years. But then again, it was technically Colin’s job to memorise lines. After I had typed the digits in, he put on yet another smile and crossed his arms awkwardly. “I’ll be here for another week or so. I thought I’d do a bit of sightseeing while I’m at it. Never been here before.”

I nodded approvingly and said a casual goodbye that he reciprocated, although seeming visibly reluctant in doing so. A stray thought stuck between the then and now that was meant to be uttered out. But then I had already started walking again until I could only feel his stares biting into my back and I had to force myself not to turn my head to look at him one more time. It was like ripping off a band-aid, really. Once we had turned the next corner, I felt the weight being lifted from my shoulders entirely.

***

“This wasn’t quite what I was expecting.” Hiroki was sitting next to me like a proper pile of wet laundry, a beer in front of him on the table between us.

Yeah, considering our touchy-feely attitude before we’d both thought about going home … until Colin had appeared. I knew Hiro was aware of why we ended up in a shady, little izakaya then after all. The mood in here was smooth and slick like honey and had claimed a similar colour, too. Everything glowed and shone like dipped in golden sun rays; staff raced from one end to the other and old sararī man dressed in black sat there after their long work day either depressed or laughing about nothing of importance with their colleagues.

Had Colin cut me out of a night full of good sex or had he appeared at exactly the right moment for me to realise that what I had been about to do was a huge mistake? I just knew that Hiro was pissed that he couldn’t touch me this way nor be close to me. I felt his unsure glances and saw his pouts and heard his sighs but I didn’t feel like comforting him. I was in a God damn awful bad mood.

“Who was that guy anyway?”

I hesitated before trying to answer his question. I didn’t quite know where to start with this, honestly. I didn’t feel like responding but thought he deserved as much. “Met him in London. We had a thing back then. But he hadn’t contacted me until now.”

I searched his face for a fitting reaction but to my own surprise he didn’t seem to be taken aback in the slightest. He had his sleeves rolled and his elbows propped up on the table but much to my dismay I realised that it didn’t quite have the same effect like when Colin did it. “I thought you’d wanted to be more careful? Shagging a random bloke you find on the streets doesn’t sound like it.”

“Shh,” I reprimanded him, even though I knew no one paid attention or could even hear us, the music and chatter was just too loud. It still felt bad talking about such a private matter in public. “He didn’t know me and London is about as far away as Narnia. I call that careful enough.”

“Guys always think with their dicks, honestly,” he rolled his eyes and I laughed.

“You’re one to talk. What did you think we’d be doing tonight?”

Hiro shrugged nonchalantly in front of me but I could sense a fleeting smile on his lips nonetheless. He was a brat indeed, one of the worst I had ever encountered and he was immature and quite childish every now and then. But at times like these, when he acted all-knowing and almost sophisticated, I always ended up feeling astonished. I guessed sometimes I just wanted him to stay this cute, little boy that did not know any better as to be jealous and clingy all the time to the point of enraging me forever – so I could go on telling myself that he was just a toy for me to play with and nothing more. But I did have to own up to the fact that he was growing up and developing all the while. He was no child anymore and of course he wanted me to know.

“Yeah,” he went on, his eyes avoiding mine. A sip from his beer. Then he bit his lip. “Of course. We’ve been flirting the whole time. I’d much rather be somewhere else right now.”

I nodded and searched for his hands on the table but did not dare to touch them in the end. He was a good person. I did like him. He was not a toy. But he also didn’t make my mind go crazy and my heart desperate. I myself still didn’t know what I was going after. I could, here and now, settle for Colin. But then what would I decide on exactly? Surely not to be with him, right? Even if he’d wanted to be in a relationship with me, even if – how would that even work? It wouldn’t. So I was at a loss for words and actions, I realised. It did not matter. It did not matter at all.

“I like you, Hiro-Chan, you know I do,” I tried to console him the only way I knew as I reached for his hands after all and he flinched at my touch, startled, “but it wouldn’t be anything more for me, I’m afraid. I don’t love you.”

I watched him nod lazily but understandingly, his eyes still not meeting mine but at least he didn’t pull his hands away. So we sat like this for a while, not exchanging any words or glances. I guessed he needed this to calm down and collect himself and eventually he came to.

“You know? I really needed to hear that, thank you,” Hiroki mused and finally he lifted his gaze but drew his hands away from under mine. “I’ve known that of course. Didn’t want to believe it, however,” he laughed a short lived laugh but it was full of genuine warmth and so I smiled, too.

“It’s been years since we last came together, though,” I tried to make him remember.

“Oh, we came all right.” A wide grin on his lips that gradually evolved into a full-on laugh and I just had to chime in. A boy at heart, always.

“Would you please stop being so suggestive in public,” I told him off with a flicker in my eyes and a smile upon my lips still; the tension in the air rose again from out of nowhere. He was my ex after all. There’d always be this special kind of connection.

He then fell silent for a few minutes and was suddenly eager to empty his glass. I saw it in his face that he thought about us and our affair back in the day. His ears grew hot. “I don’t need to hear I-love-you’s. And I don’t need to know which guy you’re seeing. But I am still serious about earlier. I want to come home with you.”

“I– Hiroki, I don’t know,” I followed my first reflex because I knew I shouldn’t but then I awoke to the whole situation at hand and everything fell into place. Colin had come here to seek me out, yes. But it had been half a year at least since we’d last seen each other. He couldn’t leave London, I couldn’t leave Japan. Even if those feelings were real – No, it definitely was better to let them fade away. “You know what? Yes. My place is not far away. Let’s go.”

***

At first it was kind of awkward to let him inside my flat and close the door behind us. I’d moved since we’d broken up, so he’d never been here before. My dogs were currently at a friend’s who sometimes took care of them when I was away for longer periods of time, so there was no one and nothing at all greeting us but an uncomfortable silence.

I watched him look around the apartment curiously like a cautious cat. It was big for Japan’s standards but not as much for Tokyo’s. That should explain him being impressed, at least a bit.

“It appears you have good taste after all,” he commented cheekily as he turned around with one of his dazzling grins.

My living room was bright and mainly ruled by colour combinations of wood brown, white, grey and black. There were lots of little indirect lights and a huge glass front on one side, covered with white curtains but you could still see the colourful glow of the city below us. As much as I loved touring and seeing so much of the world, I adored being home – I just felt at ease here.

“You’re here with me, I suppose that counts for some,” I purred in his ear after I had closed the short distance between us and rested my underarms on his shoulders. He seemed intrigued and melted into my touch exactly the proper way I needed him to this moment. He still smelled sweet and familiar; a touch of a bitter alcoholic aroma in between. I grazed his ears with my lips tenderly. “How do you want me to take you?”

Suddenly the awkwardness disappeared and sparks full of electricity filled the room. It was like back then once more and all the memories came rushing back. It felt so natural and easy to touch him again and to feel his warmth. I was hot all over and it reached my throat and neck and ears. I could feel him shiver beneath my hands and every thought of any other person in this moment was just gone.

He gasped for air and I felt him brush through my locks nervously. It had been so long that it almost felt like the first time all over again. Like our first encounter. Unsure and tentative but also full of hot want and arousal. A step forward and I could feel his hard dick pressing into my thigh again.

“You decide–“ His soft voice broke. “I want you to decide.”

This was the code word, really. Hiro didn’t want to have vanilla sex, which we had had occasionally. He wanted me to lead, to dominate him. And I had missed it so much that I had forgotten about this special longing for it altogether. I had enjoyed being called “princess” by Colin, I wouldn’t deny that by any means. But Hiroki was such a perfect little sub that my lungs felt like inhaling fire and smoke right now. It burned inside of me, this desire, and so I snapped and pulled him into my bedroom before pushing him down onto the bed in front of me.

“Clothes off.”

The lights in here weren’t turned on but there was still a shimmer coming in from the living room; it was just about bright enough for me to observe Hiro’s facial expressions closely.

He obliged immediately and pulled off his hoodie and pants without a word; his shoes already discarded somewhere along the way. Now he was sitting there in front of me; only in his briefs and panting softly with arousal tainting his breath.

“You know better than that,” I scolded him with this strict tone in my voice I had honestly missed using the last couple of years. “All clothes off.”

He held my gaze and I could see a flicker of nervousness in his eyes, but in the end he did as he was told and finally sat there naked. The fine mist of light made his skin look amber coloured and so exposed. His stiff cock pressed against his stomach; twitching beautifully whenever my eyes fell upon it. I myself finally felt the heat rise in the pit of my stomach and it became hard to contain myself. I wanted to push and break him; to pull him to the edge and leave him there. To suck up every breath he offered me and let him beg for more.

“You feel safe now, princess? I swear you won’t do so for much longer.” With my right hand I pushed him onto the bed by his chest and held him there with all my strength as he gasped delightfully for air. Our noses almost touched and I inhaled his breath but I didn’t lean down far enough to kiss him; not yet.

Then I got up again and opened the fly of my jeans; pulled the fabric down and felt the rush of cold air on my cock. I hadn’t been this excited for a long time. And even if this didn’t mean anything, it still felt so dangerously good. I wanted him all over me and hear his pleas and moans. And right this moment I knew why I had once loved fucking him.

“Get on your fucking knees, you little slut,” I ordered him with a cold stare and again, he obliged without a word.

I felt his body heat on my own skin as he tested the waters with light touches and careful fingertips. I didn’t want him to, however, and so I quickly decided on using a rope to tie his hands on his back. I grabbed it from out of my nightstand, which I hadn’t used in a long, long while, and when I stood in front of him again he knew fair well what I was about to do.

“Get up and turn around.”

He did as he was told, heart beating fast and loud in his chest, and I tied up his skinny arms. He drew in a breath sharply since I might have laced it up a tad too tight but I did not care and neither did he. Then I ordered him back on his knees again.

Now that he was kneeling there like a good little boy, my heart skipped a beat at the mere sight of it. His eyes shimmered beautifully as if he’d tear up any moment and his mouth was opened invitingly. I tenderly traced his lips with my thumb and he closed his eyes in response; relishing in this feeling I was gracing him with. I could not wait to feel his warm mouth finally engulfing me again. Feeling his tongue and throat and seeing him gasping for air in desperation.

“Suck my dick until it’s wet.”

Seeing that he almost immediately leaned forward to lick at my cock and sigh in pleasure at the first taste, I concluded that he had to have waited for this moment for a lot longer than I had even. Almost as if he was made solely for this purpose alone. He did not flinch when I pushed my groin closer to his face and he did not care about getting saliva all over his face. I missed him worshipping my cock so badly.

I combed through his brown, soft hair delicately and closed my eyes for a few seconds; just savouring every little twitch and flicker that shot through my body like an inferno. But suddenly I was back at the hotel in London again and sensed Colin’s hands over my torso and backside; his breath wafting over my shaft and his grin wide and teasing on my skin.

I opened up my eyes again and decided that it was enough. My heart beat way too fast for my tastes. “Open up your pretty mouth.”

Again, he did as he was told and watched me intently as I pushed myself past his lips. He wheezed and I groaned and then he finally began sucking on my dick for real. It felt heavenly. He knew exactly what to do, even after so many years. Even with his hands tied back. He was completely wrapped up in it; as though this here was his only remaining purpose and I could not even begin to describe how lovely he looked right this second.

With my hands still in his hair, I held his head steady and tried a few careful thrusts which he took in gladly and with ease. Sometimes I thought he’d been born without a gag reflex and this thought enticed me immensely. I could not hold back my moans any longer and so my pace grew faster, more rapid and careless. But he still took me in so willingly; his eyes were closed and there was a precious tint of pink on his flushed cheeks. Not once did he gag as I pressed myself deeper and deeper and oh fuck, it felt so heavenly. A fire in the pit of my stomach that gradually spread through my whole body.

This lasted for a few minutes and while I was enjoying it to the fullest, it was still not quite enough. He’d once told me that he loved face-fucking the most out of everything. To let someone use him like that was his greatest bliss and that thought turned me on even more. I was now pressed inside his mouth as far as it would go, he’d taken me all in and I saw in his eyes that he was struggling to breathe, so I let go of him and pulled out my wet cock. He immediately gasped and heaved and panted in distress, pain and lust after I’d pulled out and I watched him for a few seconds until he had regained his composure, then I stroked his cheek.

“Will you be a good boy and climb onto the bed?”

Just as before, Hiro only nodded, swallowed hard and then obeyed without a word. With his hands still tied behind his back and his backside facing me, he waited for me a bit awkwardly. I knew that he would be so deliciously tight this way. But then I noticed something silvery and shiny between his butt cheeks and stopped slightly baffled in my tracks before breaking out into short laughter.

“Are you serious?” I chuckled as I touched the base of the steel butt plug he’d apparently inserted earlier himself. He shuddered. “When did that happen?”

“I– When I know that I’ll be seeing you … sometimes I do that,” he admitted with a shy, almost unnoticeable voice. And now it was I who had to gasp for air.

Of course I didn’t know. But thinking about all the times we’d briefly met at concerts and festivals over the past few years! I had a feeling that I should probably punish him for that but it turned me on so much that I swallowed this first urge down. “Like back then …”

“Like back then.”

I heard my own breathing ringing in my ears as I felt myself snap again; there was the end of my tether once more. He just had this strange power over me that made me someone I could not recognise at times. It wasn’t anger and it wasn’t aversion but it did make me have a short fuse. Sometimes these feelings deep in my stomach scared me; they sat low and growled and were like a fire pit inside of me. I wanted to hurt him, just a little. Just to show that I was still in charge here. And so I pressed his upper body harder down onto the bed, he yelped softly in surprise. Then I leaned close to his ear.

“You know you shouldn’t have done that.”

He nodded.

“You know I’m gonna fuck you so hard that you won’t be thinking of wearing that the next

few weeks.”

Again, a nod from him.

I pulled off my shirt with one hand a bit clumsily and walked to the bedside table to get out some lube and a condom. Hiroki remained as frozen in this position as possible; only his chest rose and fell from his shallow breathing. He looked to be as eager as I felt. It’d been so long for me and I hadn’t asked him how long it’d been for him.

As I was standing right behind him again, I stroked his back lightly and drowned in this sight. My cock twitched and I slowly exhaled thinking about what was coming next. I missed seeing him so ready and needy in front of me; just waiting for my cock and orders and insults. Only last time he had talked back more fervently. So I put on the condom and applied some lube with slow strokes; tilting back my head, I felt all those lights and flashes roar through my body. I let out a low sigh and a smile escaped my quivering lips.

I wanted him; here and now. Or maybe I just wanted this intimate and mundane feeling of the time we once had. I would be lying when I said I did not think about Colin once.

“You want my cock, right?” I asked him and began rubbing myself against his bum; spreading lube everywhere. Right in front of me, Hiro nodded again. “Tell me how much you want my cock.”

A short unsure silence followed suit. I knew he was still horny as fuck and I could see his hard cock twitch between his legs because he knew I was watching him closely. He liked me watching him in these awkward positions because it embarrassed him and all I ever wanted was to fuck this humiliation out of him. After I had inflicted it upon him, of course.

“I want you to fill me up,” he croaked out in response after a while; his voice rich of both shakiness and arousal. It made me so high to think about how he couldn’t touch himself in this position – a game we’d played so often before but it never got old. He wanted to feel so defenceless and totally at my mercy, he wanted me to lead him and tell him what to do. That was why we were so perfect for one another. Like two puzzle pieces. I loved all of the sensations he made me feel. But it was just a game and nothing more. “Please. Take me.”

“You know I won’t untie your hands this time,” I purred from behind him as I reached for the base of the butt plug and began pulling it out slowly but probably still a tad too fast for his taste because I heard him exhale sharply in response. But the thing was: I did not care at all in this moment. He loved pain and pain I gave him. “You can beg for it, though.”

The thought of him wearing the plug all day, and only for me on top of that, just because he’d imagined being fucked by me again, had me almost go up in flames right then and there. He was ready to use, just like that. And though it felt somehow weird to have no bodily reaction from him, no real passion with body pressing against body and lips against lips, I knew that he loved it this way, too. Taking him against the wall or even entangled lying on the bed on top of each other would feel neither right nor genuine coming from me and he knew it. For Christ’s sake, it’d stir up his hopes all over again would we have done it any differently.

I felt his body shiver beneath my hands that graced the soft skin on his back; followed my fingertip down his spine with my eyes and counted every vertebra until I had found this one birthmark my hand finally stopped at. The lust in the air was so thick it felt hard to breathe and I knew he longed to be fucked. I bet his hole started to feel so empty and was aching for more. And so I gripped his hips tightly and guided my cock inside of him.

Finally, the blissful feeling of warm tightness surrounding me. For a moment, time stood still and I could hear nothing anymore; no sounds reached my ears and only after that did I realise that I had begun to groan loudly.

I knew Hiro was wheezing down there and trying to steady his breath after I’d just thrusted in without any warning and without concerning myself with being gentle. But it just felt so good and once again, I did not care. I was already up in him as far as it would go; right up to my throbbing balls. The plain sight of it was dangerously exciting. How he swallowed me whole. And I was not the smallest guy by any means.

Hiro panted; his breathing shallow and heavy on his tongue. His needy voice, that I had missed so much, made my dick twitch inside of him and he shuddered delightfully in response. I grinned. “You’ve missed that, right?”

Hiro nodded well-behaved; his skin now hot to the touch. It had always felt kind of evil; kind of dirty – to fuck your friend’s younger brother without him knowing. Without anyone knowing and with said brother loving it with every fibre of his quivering body. How he could beg for more and take so much in and be such a good little fuck but play the lady killer in public. It made my heart jump. Right here, this mattered. This and nothing else. Then I slowly started to move inside of him and he exhaled in surprise and everything else was again dissolved into nothingness.

He was so tight and so wet from the lube and I could feel my fingertips boiling with my heartbeat pulsating in them as he tried to push himself back against my cock; to meet my thrusts in between the best he could with his hands still tied back. He wanted more as it obviously didn’t hurt him yet enough. I drew in a breath sharply.

“Have I permitted you to move?” I grunted and was almost alarmed by how foreign, threatening and deep my voice sounded. I held his hips steady and rushed a few times forward at a rapid speed that made the back of my head grow cloudy. It was all too much; the pressure, this sight of him, the feeling of using him, the power, the familiarity, his scent. I just wanted to fuck him senseless until he could not even beg anymore. He deserved it, he so totally did. He was everything I could concentrate on right this second and it felt weirdly freeing after all these months of longing.

“No, I’m sorry.” His voice was still shaky and breathless but he could still moan and sigh rhythmically to my long, hard thrusts. His arching back was a lovely sight to behold but still not quite enough for me. I wanted to look him in his cloudy eyes and watch him coming; to see his stiff cock rock back and forth without getting touched.

“Thought as much.” Losing the rhythm for a moment, I grabbed his shoulder and turned him around abruptly with one single but harsh motion after I had pulled out of him. The moment he realised that his back had suddenly collided with the mattress was so pleasing; the brief shock reflected in his amber coloured eyes made the smirk on my lips grew even wider.

There he lay on his back in front of me in the dim lit, much too warm room. Helpless. Exposed. And oh so pretty. His arms still tied up behind his back had to have hurt under his weight in such an awkward position but as long as I carried out my threat and fucked him mercilessly, there was no way he would complain. He knew fair well what he had gotten himself into tonight.

I watched as he parted his lips slightly but didn’t dare say anything before I slid inside his warm tightness again. The high it got me was beyond any words. I felt myself closing my eyes instinctively because the sensation was just too overpowering.

Not shorty after did I begin pressing into him relentlessly and without sympathy. I heard him whimper and cry and little sobs leave his wet mouth. Eyes closed. Back arched. His balls were so hard and tight and didn’t look like they could last any longer; the dark red tip of his cock gleaming with pre-cum. But the desperation in his hooded eyes when partly opened was the absolute greatest of it all. His head jerked backwards every time I thrust into him and it made him look like a pretty little doll.

Somewhere along the line our breathing began matching each other’s and I lost track of my heartbeat in my ears. All I could see was him. It made my heart so full and contented I swear it felt like bursting out of my chest. But I also felt myself growing more impatient and accelerated and I made sure to let him know. His eyes seemed to beg for more and I could not wait to give it to him.

“You love being used like that, princess?” I hummed in a sweet honey-like voice and took his breath away with a few unreasonably hard thrusts. Hiro nodded weakly; the blush on his cheeks not leaving the shadow of his nose even once. I could see him break into little pieces and it made my insides tingle.

“I can’t hold it any longer …”

But it wasn’t a plea; it wasn’t enough despair for me to actually meet him halfway. He knew I wanted to hear more than that. This wasn’t our first time but I was so close to coming. “Say that again,” I threatened him and gripped his neck tightly. He struggled to breathe.

“Please, Masato … please.”

“What ‘please’?” I growled and ripped his head back by his hair. A chocked howl from his mouth; eyes squeezed shut. He loved every second of it. “Use your fucking mouth.”

For a second I thought he had started to cry for real. The sobs on his tongue sounded so delightful. I wanted more of that noise he made; see him in even more pain and pleasure at the same time. “Please let me come, please. I can’t–“

I couldn’t take it anymore. It was all too much. He looked so fucking pretty bound and gagged with despair and helpless like this. A single tear rolled down his cheek but I knew it was just pure lust and ache for a final release. I didn’t feel it when I picked up the speed a tad too fast and he didn’t, either. In and out and bliss and sparks in front of my eyes and in my veins. Somewhere along I had started to stroke his dick half-heartedly and knew that it was both not enough and that it had to be sufficient all at once. Our groaning echoed in the bedroom but it was hard to care. Let the neighbours hear it, whatever.

Close to the edge, I leaned forward over his bound body; a few hard, fast thrusts and I was almost there. I was aware that I grazed the soft and sensitive skin of his hard cock in the process. This had to be enough for him; no more fucks to give. He knew what he’d gotten himself into after all. A kiss. Tongues, hot breath, a moan swallowed down from his wet, shaking lips. Warmth, explosion. And something wet spreading between our bodies.

Chapter 02

It had been awkward at first to untie him and clean up the mess we’d made in a bit of a silent contemplative manner but in the end we had pulled ourselves together. Sobered up. I didn’t regret doing this. It had been fun and we’d both definitely enjoyed it. Just gone with the flow and how everything would have played out naturally anyway. We were both adults and responsible for our actions and we wouldn’t have changed anything. It was just that I felt this deep heartache right beneath my rib cage slowly but surely crawling inside my lungs and I just wasn’t able to mend it.

None of us smoked at the window in the dark.

“You don’t regret this now, do you?”

His unsure voice came from somewhere behind me and spoke out exactly what bothered my troubled mind. I knew he’d preferred resting in my arms but I honestly didn’t feel like it and he didn’t complain. “Of course I don’t. It was fun. But it was obviously the last time for real.”

“No need to justify,” he mumbled but without seeing his face I could not determine if he truly meant it. Then a rustling of fabric and footsteps. Careful fingertips on my naked skin, caressing my back and hips. “We’ll put it down to a last goodbye for old times’ sake.”

It ought to have been quite the funny picture really – both of us looking so irrevocably lost and butt-naked in the doorway to my living room; hesitant to say or do anything wrong. The lights were far too bright and I would have loved to turn them off and just go to sleep.

“Thank you for taking me with you tonight, anyway.” As if on cat paws, Hiroki sneaked past me and came to a halt in front of my restless toes. Suddenly right then and there I could not manage to avoid his eyes any longer. They shimmered black in the dim lit room. Then he kissed me gently on the lips; his hands lingering on my neck and jaw but they felt so awfully broken on my skin somehow. It really felt like a goodbye. He was such a sweet boy but I hadn’t experienced anything more than lust with him and I was so sick and tired of feeling only lust. “Masato, I can’t change the fact that you don’t love me. And I’m sure it’s for the best if we don’t meet again. I just hope that you’ll find the one.”

“That’s way too mature, especially coming from you,” I snorted amused but gave him a quick appeasing kiss on his nose nonetheless. I could hear it echo in his cracked voice – that he just wanted to trigger a certain reaction from me. “I mean … such a cliché. I don’t think I’d be able to say anything like that–” to the guy I’m in love with.

“I’m right, though, aren’t I?”

I nodded and strolled past him into the kitchen to pour myself and him a glass of water. Normally I loved late night after-sex conversations but this one required digging so far into my soul that I felt the itch for cutting it off immediately deep in my bones. “You’re probably not wrong.”

“Do you think he means it?”

“Mean what?”

Hiroki leaned on the kitchen counter and watched me intently as I shoved a glass into his hand. “You haven’t heard from him in months and now he appears out of nowhere just like that?”

I shrugged and downed my drink in one go so that I didn’t need to answer him right away. Suddenly I felt the need to drink even more. Maybe another beer or two.

“Will you hear him out?”

“Christ, Hiroki, I don’t know yet,” I spat out and felt sorry for the harsh tone in my voice immediately after. But I did not apologise and instead opted for a calmer way of speaking when I opened my mouth again after that. “I thought you’d quit being jealous?”

The little boy in front of me took a deliberate sip from his glass; his eyes were cast over. I didn’t mean to be selfish or nasty to him in any way but I was also losing my patience. That little bit I’d had in the beginning, anyway. It was getting late and after the orgasm had subsided, there was nothing but numbness in its wake. That was almost always the case, anyway … when you’ve been basing your feelings on lust and passion – there was just nothing to replace it once the craving was gone.

“I’m not jealous, I’m serious. I care about you.”

“Yeah, would you mind and let me make my own mistakes, please?”

I slammed the glass relatively hard onto the counter, maybe a tad too hard because Hiro flinched right as my gaze fell on him. That anger from earlier had not left; quite the opposite had happened, honestly. And I shouldn’t be surprised. “Sorry, Hiro. I don’t wanna kick you out so late at night … but I think it’d be best if you go.”

“Okay,” he spat and his glass followed suit. “It’s totally fine if you’re angry at him or yourself but don’t take it out on me, seriously. I don’t know what you want from him, but London sure as hell seems to be as far away as fucking Narnia.”

Without another word Hiro left to get his things from the bedroom. It took him a short while to get dressed in silence but to me it felt like mere seconds. I was left a bit dumbfounded behind the kitchen counter and stared at the counter with our two glasses on top of it. I just couldn’t manage to lift my head to watch him leave but then the door already slammed shut with a rather loud bang and I was left alone again with my thoughts, still butt-naked.

***

It had been a few days and I still had not called. I couldn’t explain it but for some reason, whenever I was about to dial his number, my mind went totally blank. I didn’t know what to say or how to react. At times I didn’t even know what I wanted in the first place. The reason for calling him, for having his number. I didn’t even know if he was still in Japan. I could figure it out easily, of course. Just text him and get it over with but I just didn’t. And maybe I should listen to my gut feeling this time around.

I had typed and deleted a fair amount of messages already like some sort of schoolgirl cliché but it didn’t change the fact that I could not make out whether contacting him was the right thing to do or would get me into even more heartache trouble. So I kept on doing that for a few more days for good measure.

»Hey, Colin. Sorry for taking so long. Had to think. Didn’t want to call you. I miss you. You’re still in Japan? Masato.«

The last message I tried to send but didn’t, again, because I reconsidered the whole thing and threw the phone into the next corner where it landed somewhere next to me on the sofa. I sighed and rubbed my eyes with both hands. Tour was over, album released, interviews given. Suddenly I had all this free time on my hands and I didn’t know what to do with all of it. I felt overwhelmed if anything. This ringing aimlessness you get after you’d been studying for weeks on edge for an important exam and suddenly it’s over and it’s like you don’t exist any longer. I felt like crawling back into my little hole and don’t emerge again until next spring. Hibernate. And maybe all those problems would magically go away … a man can dream, right?

The thing with remaining in that state was that you didn’t get a single thing done. You’d either want to go big or go home and in my case I’d much rather stay in bed. So even the little things felt like a huge burden; doing the dishes, going for a walk with my dogs, even showering. I didn’t see the point but forced myself to do all of it anyway. I’d had been so fucking busy the past few months that it hadn’t been all that bad – this longing for Colin. But now it had come back full force. Seeing that I didn’t even feel like watching a film, I started googling weird shit and ended up typing in his name.

I mean, what could go wrong, right?

The first few pages were Wikipedia and IMBd; no sign of him on social media at all. Even though I’d known that already of course. Then I spotted a short video clip advertised on Google which looked to be a Trailer of a recent film. Of course I hadn’t heard about it and I hadn’t kept up with anything work related. I’d never actually thought about watching any of his films or shows. Strange? Maybe. Maybe it was because I’d find that kind of weird, too … if it was the other way around. But in the end my curiosity got the best of me and I clicked on the link.

However … to my absolute horror, I quickly realised that it was actually a gay romance and so I panicked after the first few seconds and paused it again. If I hadn’t lost my breath so very spectacularly that I spontaneously choked and had to cough, I probably would have laughed about these ironic circumstances. Once that was done, I buried my face in my hands to calm down my ridiculous bastard of a heart. I hadn’t watched him kill a person, so why could I not take it? Yeah, I had not expected anything like that but even I knew that I was being ridiculous.

“Christ, you’re absurd,” I mumbled to myself and took another deep breath before starting the video again. This time determined to watch it till the end. Hardly two minutes. I could take that …

It was not half as bad as I thought it would be. I did not feel like it was me in there, getting to know him, fortunately. I did not feel like suddenly all the world knew what I was up to. And good thing I didn’t feel any jealousy watching him kiss and shag another guy in front of me. At all. The dialogue was funny and realistic even and once I’d adjusted seeing him like that, I could let my guard down and enjoy looking at his face on screen. It still felt foreign, however. Like having met him had just been a dream after all. Because at the end of the day, let’s face it, I didn’t truly know him and this person on screen was not the Colin I had met. It was yet another figure, someone who was not him but looked it. It was like we had never met at all. The person in that film, Benjamin, was so painfully awkward that I couldn’t seem to connect the dots between him and Colin. He was a good actor. Colin had been rough and well-spoken and bold; so very witty at times that I could not handle him. He’d been huge confident smiles and perceptive touches. But he was oh-so beautiful still, I felt myself swoon and shivers run down my spine. The tips of my ears felt very hot all of a sudden.

Yeah … I should have known that that was a definite way of remembering how we ended up in bed. These days I stopped myself from even acknowledging the fact because it distracted me on such a high level that I did not seem to be able to function any longer. Up until this point, I had refrained from going any further, clicking through seas of pictures and videos; dwelling in past memories and letting the waves wash me away. But this time there was no one stopping me any longer, especially not me and I felt this massive wall that had held onto all of these feelings and it was crumbling fast.

“God, I should not be doing this,” I mumbled to myself and a hot sigh escaped my lips.

In front of me were all the pictures that came up when you typed in his name. Old and pretty recent ones too, it seemed. His eyes were drawing me in and his smile made my heart sink to the bottom of my stomach. All of a sudden I felt his hands everywhere on my body; felt his itching stare and heard his honey-deep voice in my ears. His scratchy beard stubble rubbing my skin a rosy red. I remembered how it was like combing my fingers through his dark hair and how his breath touched my skin ever so lightly.

I searched for that one picture that made me go hot all over but instead clicked on the recommendation that added “body” to the mix and suddenly he was almost naked on most of them. A few weren’t him and some were obviously manipulations but the others caught me totally off-guard. It just added to my memories and imaginations; I could feel my fingers on his skin and rock-hard abs. I was kind of skinny too but I certainly wasn’t as buff as he was, which was funny when you thought about it. He didn’t look the type at all. His face was sort of androgynous and his smiles were open, warm and pretty. You could spend all those hours watching his lips move and being hypnotised by his lake blue eyes … so that you’d never guess what he hid underneath that sweater.

A rugged breath tumbled over my dry lips like an old elevator stopping in its tracks. I had been so frozen in shock and pure bliss that I had forgotten what it was like to breathe through my nose and to wet my lips. The laptop sat on my lap a bit uncomfortably, so I pushed it a few inches away towards my knees. It was easy, drowning in this sea of feelings and shivers if I only let myself. Lust drunken, I slid my hand over my clothed chest lazily down towards where my jeans sat loosely on my hips. I could hear my heartbeat in my ears already and the cold air hurt weirdly in my nose when I inhaled.

He was everything and nothing in my mind right now and that was all that mattered right this second. Different to how I felt when I was with Hiroki. A different kind of pain and a different kind of mind numbness. I liked this one a lot better. I wasn’t angry anymore and I didn’t do this out of spite; it was a kind of bitter-sweet longing and pain deep in my chest. A kind of pain you wanted more of.

It felt heavenly when I touched my hard dick through the fabric of my jeans. I quickly opened the fly and reached inside to adjust it so that it wouldn’t be as uncomfortable anymore. I felt kinda bad that I was about to get off to one of his pictures. But then again … would he mind? It also felt kinda off-limits. Something you don’t do but kind of wished that he’d know about. That he’d watch you jerk off to his face. Something I wouldn’t want him to find out and yet … it was hot.

I first thought about only getting my dick out – low effort – but then I reconsidered and got rid of my jeans and briefs at once. It just felt better and I could relax. I sighed as I fantasised about what it would be like to get rid of all this fabric covering him still and stroking his broad chest. Instead I finally grabbed my cock in a firm grip. I felt my knees weaken the moment I touched myself. It wasn’t the fact that it had been too long for me, it obviously hadn’t. But it was different getting off on the thought of him. It was a different feeling and a different orgasm. I tried thinking about his deep voice and the commands he’d give me; about the belittling but loving names he’d call me. The strength with which he’d pin me down. With him, I just wanted to lose all control and give him all my “yes’s” that I had to offer, not the other way around.

Even though it wasn’t that warm in my apartment, my breath left my tongue boiling hot and little shivers almost had me taken off my shirt as well. I watched my hand tug at my dick and wished it was him all the while studying the hair on his chest and his deep set eyes on those photos. I felt my breath become rapid and my movements faster. It was like a rush; all lights out. My vision grew blurry and I closed my eyes–

But then my phone rang.

“Fuck,” I blurted out, totally startled by the horrifyingly loud sound of the device. I thought I had muted it but here we were – a ringing phone and my dick still rock-hard.

I wasn’t one to ditch a call and it would have felt wrong to ignore it and continue on with my endeavours unperturbed … so I frantically tried to calm down my breathing and my overwhelmed heart and blindly fished for my phone. Why on earth now? I didn’t know any better, I was just so startled and felt eerily caught red-handed. I didn’t even think about checking the caller’s ID or bothering with polite etiquette and just straight up answered the call crimson-faced and hoped the other person wouldn’t notice.

“–Moshi moshi …”

There was a long pause at the other end of the line, and then someone cleared his throat.

“Masato, is that you?”

“I–”

I had to swallow a huge lump in my throat twice before I could muster up the courage to say anything that made sense. I knew I wasn’t dreaming, I was sure this was Colin, it had to be …

“Yes. Sorry, who are you again?”

Had to ask. Just for the record. His accent was as thick as ever and the tone in his deep voice sent shivers down my spine. My cock wasn’t hard anymore after this mess but I sure as hell felt ridiculously pitiful with my butt and junk out like that, answering calls from basically strangers.

“Er … it’s Colin. Sorry. Your sudden Japanese messed with my ability to form coherent sentences.”

Yeah. Here I was; sitting like a huge loser naked on my couch and trying not to let him hear my agitated inhales and exhales of far too dangerously needed air. I hadn’t noticed that I had smacked my free hand on my face to prevent him from seeing it, which he obviously couldn’t anyway. Hopefully.

“I–” Again, the sheer loss of my words was astounding. He had to have thought I’d lost every trait of a normal human being. “Sorry, Colin, give me a moment …”

I just couldn’t sit here like that and talk to him as if nothing had ever happened. So I quickly searched for my briefs and pants and put them on before picking up the phone again; this time a little less embarrassed. It made things at least a bit more bearable under these circumstances.

“So, here we are …”

“Yes, I suppose so …”

“How are you calling?”

“How? …I don’t understand.”

I listened to him breathe calmly on the other end of the line. There were no other noises besides our silence, so he had to be somewhere private. Maybe at home even.

“I mean … how did you get my number?” I whispered as though somebody could hear us after all. It didn’t even feel real. Awkward. We’d never talked on the phone before; it had been months before I’d seen him again a few days ago. I didn’t know how to shake this unpleasant feeling off of me.

“You … did send me a message earlier, didn’t you?”

Oh no. Oh no. I couldn’t quite tell him that I hadn’t intended to send it to him, could I?

“Er … yes. I guess so. Yeah …”

Stupid fucking Irish bastard. Even if I’d sent it knowingly – I hadn’t expected him to go full-on nuts and call me right away?! In which world was that acceptable? I scratched my head nervously and waited for his next move. I was honestly as awkward as the next guy in real life, especially in situations I’m thrown into just like that. So this could only get progressively worse.

“I’m sorry if my call took you by surprise. It’s just … I really did miss you, too. And I’d thought about you when I got your message. So I just called.”

I didn’t know what to say, so I just didn’t say anything at all. I couldn’t tell if this ache in my stomach was the result of me being happy or not being able to accept what was happening. Maybe I was just weary; suspicious. I couldn’t see through him and it bothered me.

“I’m still in Japan, by the way …”

Obviously, I was still attracted to him. Or else this encounter wouldn’t have been so damn awkward on my side. I wouldn’t have searched for a picture to jerk off to. And if I’d been more careful, I probably wouldn’t have sent the message by accident.

But I just couldn’t bring out a word, so I heard him sigh in the background. “Listen … I’m really sorry for what happened. I can’t make you fancy me and I’d understand if it’s been too long since then. We only hooked up once after all. It’s crazy to act like that after a One-Night-Stand.”

I frantically searched for anything that caught my attention and glued me into place. Anything that could tell me what to say next. What to think next. But I couldn’t find anything. Couldn’t think of a single argument. The room was bright from the shadows of the day and white and grey and black. My dogs were asleep. And the couch beneath me felt far too firm. It was so hard to concentrate. There had been a time when I’d known what I wanted to say to him but it was all gone now. “I’m honestly so bad at this on the phone. You’re still in Japan? Then let’s meet up.”

Breathing on the other end. I couldn’t believe what I had just blurted out and so I bit my lip so hard I didn’t feel the ache anymore after a short second. I knew it was silly worrying about his response when it was him calling me and telling me that he missed me. I just couldn’t help it.

“Yes,” he responded at last and I could hear him ponder over my rushed words. “Yes, let’s do that.”

***

We decided to meet up in Sakae this evening when the sun had already set and had left us with a dark cloak of anonymity. The lights were flashing bright and the laughter of cheerful night owls lay thickly in the early autumn air. That’s why I wanted to meet him in the Sakae Park instead. It wasn’t big or anything, but at least it wasn’t that far away from Sakaemachi Station but also not directly next to Kibo no hiroba, Oasis 21 or Nagoya terebi tō. Sakae was, after all, a busy downtown area and lively throughout the night. But I honestly felt more comfortable talking with him here. Not at home. Not at another Izakaya. It was dark and late and most people chose going shopping or doing karaoke over strolling through a dimly lit park in the middle of the night.

Nervously, I clutched my grey coat closer to my body and pulled my baseball cap down low over my face. It wasn’t that tremendously cold yet but this mild uneasiness in my bones made my whole frame shake and shiver. I was sitting on a small wooden bench and waited for my heart to calm down. Why did it feel like meeting an ex in order to sort out confused feelings after a nasty breakup? Something inside my head tried to tell me that it would go away eventually. I should ignore it. But acknowledging his sudden appearance made it far too real all of a sudden and my feelings started to bubble up inside of me uncontrollably.

I put up my hands to my face to breathe on them; warming them up. They were ice cold. And my heart raced for miles. My feet wouldn’t hold still. Each and every little noise startled me. I was on high alert and I hated myself for acting so childishly. That I couldn’t control my emotions at all. We’d played at the Budokan. We’d made it. Friends, family and other bands we were close friends with came to congratulate us. There were flowers and cards and it was filmed. We’d truly made it in Japan. You know you’d made it when you’d played at the Budokan. We’d accomplished so many truly insane things. We were in our 30’s. But I guess there was still something missing …

“Masato?”

When I looked up, Colin squinted down at me. I couldn’t quite see it in the dark – only the back of his head was illuminated by the street lights and made his face appear even darker – but I’d thought I’d seen a small smile.

“Hi,” I replied as I got up somewhat hesitantly. But there was nothing to wait for. I couldn’t exactly stay here on this bench. The greeting was awkward and it seemed like we both didn’t know what to say or do. I didn’t shake his hand and I sure as hell didn’t try to hug him. He didn’t, either. He had to have been warry after our last meeting. Couldn’t blame him.

“Wasn’t so hard to get here, was it?”

“No,” he shook his head accompanied by the thick accent in his dark voice. Again, a shiver ran down my spine and let the little hairs all over my body stand on end. He was taller than me still, of course, and in the blurry darkness I could sense the outline of his body and it was hard not to touch him right then and there after all.

For a short second I tried to recall all of those strange happenings that had led to us meeting here. Plot twists and incidents you’d only expect to find in films and novels. He’d come to Japan because of me; to find me. I had to keep reminding me of that fact over and over again so as not to make a huge mistake. I owed him a second chance. I owed him that much. And I knew I had to forgive myself as well. I owed me, too.

“Should we just … walk for a while?”

“Fine by me,” I heard him laugh light hearted as though we were planning on going to a tea party instead. Sometimes I worried that he might not feel the same agony I had felt. This longing and itching for his fingertips on my skin. His lips on mine. His laughter in my ears. But I knew I had to rely on my faith this time. He showed affection differently. I knew he cared. He had to.

As soon as we started walking slow little rounds across the tiny park, I felt my shoulders lift and become lighter already. I exhaled deeply and risked a hesitant side glance to try and guess how his face looked but it was just too dark. It wasn’t as cold anymore; maybe because I wasn’t sitting on this cold bench anymore, maybe because I felt the warmth of his body radiating towards me in a soft, caressing brush of air. It was him then who raised his voice softly to speak first.

“I’m sorry you had to come here to meet me, this could have been handled a lot better,” he mumbled under his hot breath with his eyes glued to the path in front of us. He wasn’t unsure, he didn’t sound like it; it was just his accent all over again. “But I want you to know that I’m still sorry about it all. I was so preoccupied with life … I didn’t realise what was happening. Before I knew … half a year had passed. And I couldn’t forget you.”

I swallowed hard and gave myself a few more moments to let it sink in. This wasn’t news to me. I believed him that he had missed me and that he cared for me. That he liked me. I had forgiven him, deep known. I knew it. But I was wrestling with far scarier demons – what was about to happen? What if we liked each other? What then? What would it lead to if we were on the other ends of the world; separated because of work and life?

When I looked at him; when I thought of him … I didn’t think of him as a fling. I longed for him, yes, but there were feelings. Huge, scary feelings. Something I had scarcely felt before. An affair just wasn’t in the picture here. I wanted more. More or nothing at all. So at my age … it was natural to think this far already now, wasn’t it?

“I feel like such a stupid mug, really,” he suddenly laughed into the silence before I could say anything first. It sounded apologetic enough to stop me in my tracks and make me start listen closely again. “I’ve never met anyone like you. That scared me.”

“I believe you, you know,” it broke out of me just like that. And I breathed out exhaustedly as if I had held my breath the whole time. “I think that had to be said. I believe you and I … guess I feel the same. Only that I’ve committed to those feelings a bit … faster. I’m trying to get over myself here.”

“Yeah … I guess we both are.”

During the last few minutes we had involuntarily started walking closer to the other, as if an invisible power had drawn us together. We didn’t look where we were going anymore or didn’t care. We were just walking. And thinking. And sometimes listening to the other’s breathing. Somewhere in the distance the muffled sounds of cars and voices.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Go ahead.”

“Did you hook up with your ex-boyfriend that night?” he whispered a bit lost and for the first time ever I could actually sense that his feelings for me might just be real after all. Even if it was only jealousy. It was dripping off his tongue and it made me smile and warm me up from the inside. “I know it’s none of my business … And I swear I’m not judging, but–”

“Yes, I did.” Again, I couldn’t hold onto myself. But I also wanted him to stop babbling awkward nonsense. I could sense that he wasn’t used to feeling like this and to say things like these. Even if I wasn’t, either. I tried. “It didn’t mean anything, though.”

“I guess I deserved that then,” he chuckled clumsily and a second later, his hand accidentally brushed mine and he jumped but he did not pull away.

“It’s not about deserving anything or not. I didn’t do that to mess with you. I might have been disappointed … or frustrated. And I guess he was there.”

Finally I risked a fleeting glance at Colin and I could see him nod in the dark. I wanted to be honest with him because that was what it took. The bare minimum. “I see … Well, colour me jealous, then.”

I smirked silently and tried my hardest not to let him see or hear it; I was just so amused by our little conversation that I ignored each and every little voice in my head and put my arm around his shoulders to pull him closer to me. Just as I had done with Hiro that night, only that Colin was far taller than me and his broad shoulders felt heavenly. Finally I could touch him; allowed myself to touch him. And the best part was: I felt him melting under my fingertips as well.

“Nothing to be jealous about, but I appreciate your honesty. We fought again. There’s a reason why he’s my ex …”

I felt myself slowly gaining more control over this situation and my own feelings. It lifted my spirits into the sky and my chest felt like it was about to explode. Something I hadn’t felt for years and years. My fingertips were hot, as were the tips of my ears. I smiled; brightly, until my ears hurt. This felt so right. It felt like he was finally mine. I couldn’t think about all the issues confronting us like swallowed demons anymore. Finally I had made up my mind that I wouldn’t let them tonight.

“I like this …” I listened to him hum; the vibration in his voice ringing nicely comforting in my ears as he nestled closer to me. It was like the ice between us had finally melted into nothingness and had just left enough water at our ankles to make us shiver with anticipation of what was to come. “You know I was at your concert, right?”

“You were?”

“I picked you up next to the venue, didn’t I?”

His words slightly startled me, so I didn’t really think anything of it as I let go of his shoulders subconsciously. We had stopped walking and stood there, in the middle of the street. Somehow, somewhen … we had left the park, apparently. “I … wow, now you’re pushing, huh? … Since when did you know?”

It was brighter now, seeing that we were on an actual street with lots of colourful neon lights and passing cars, so I could see his face; and his dark blue eyes glistened exhilarated, dimples pulling at his cheeks. Dark stubble framed his face nicely. But this time, he didn’t wear a beanie. I wondered. “A while. You know that your face pops up when you type in one of your songs, right?” he laughed with a high pitch in his voice; his eyes almost closed. “That song you were singing back at the hotel? Yeah …”

“Don’t tell me you remembered the lines. We only now published the song.”

“I had tried to search for it before. I found it weird that it never got me anywhere. And then … suddenly it did.”

Silence. I gave myself some moments to mull this over. Had he even found me had I sang a different song back then? Had he even wanted to in the first place? And was that even important?

“You can’t imagine my face when I realised that was you. I felt so stupid. And then … sort of turned on.”

“Oh jeez, would you–” I stumbled over my own words and transformed my first impulse, namely to push my hand hard against my face, into holding his mouth shut instead, literally. Then we both laughed out loud about all the tension and awkwardness and pleasant static in the air between us until he shoved my hand away.

“I sucked you off and came all over your shoes; I bet you can bear to hear some words.”

“Oh my God, Colin …” I smiled unbelievingly as I turned away to continue walking but I was still amused all the same. Funny how I’ve always thought that I needed to be in charge when it was actually the other way around. “It’s just that I … it’s weird, yeah? And then you went to see the concert?”

He nodded. “Not quite my kind of music … but the energy was infectious. I had the time of my life, really,” he again broke out into warm laughter and I felt myself relax into his voice. How could he draw me in so easily?

We walked alongside the street now; people passed us but didn’t look at us. Sometimes they did. Probably because of Colin’s foreign appearance. Walking next to him, I had to have looked more foreign, too.  I didn’t know where we were going, but I was hyper aware that we were now surrounded by other people and the public. It felt nice, however, to have walked out of the pitch black park; at least it was a stark contrast to the street leading to Oasis 21.

“You know … It’s kind of embarrassing to say, but I find it mildly ironic that I fell for a singer.”

Walking next to him, I took a look at his face to see his reaction, but he did not look back at me. Every now and then our shoulders bumped but our hands didn’t so much as brush against the other again. “Why’s that?”

“My newest film … it’s the reason I’d been so busy, honestly. My character falls for a foreign singer, too.”

I smiled as I remembered the trailer I’d watched both intrigued and with a heart beating frantic rhythms of underlying panic … and then got off to one of his pictures. I’d forgotten about it all together. Or conveniently erased it from my memory for a few hours. It’d been a day since then. And now my ears were hot all over again.

“I’ve watched the trailer …”

Now he chuckled nervously and scratched some spot behind his ear like an uneasy cat; but I saw this trivial quirk and had to smile nonetheless. This situation was still surreal and I’d dreamt of living through it. Just talking about anything and everything; telling him my innermost thoughts and sharing with him my fears and joys and everything that I appreciated about him. Being so honest with him felt as though being lifted out of sky deep water. It didn’t happen as much with Japanese people. Not that early on, anyway. But somewhere deep inside of me I knew that I needed that.

“Good, yeah. Good to know,” he nodded at me with a face ripe of mild embarrassment, “I just want you to know that … that that was basically me coming out.”

“Coming out to … who?”

He chuckled again and did a nervous little dance with his fingers which he then stuffed away awkwardly. “The public? I haven’t told them directly. I never do with these things. I’m really just a very private person in general. But I told them that Benjamin was basically me back in my teenage years. I know they understood.”

“Huh …”

It felt like this whole thing had been a huge deal for him after all, even if he’d never say so. Next to me, I could sense his body shake softly, but then it stopped. He wasn’t insecure about his sexuality, that wasn’t it. And yet … this side of him surprised me.

“Why are you so private?”

He shrugged his shoulders just as a couple passed us on the street, but I only had eyes for him. “Always have been, I don’t know … I’m just a quiet bloke from a little rural-like town in Northern Ireland. What even is ‘Instagram’?”

I snickered amused before again taking hold of his shoulders and shaking him gently before pulling him close to my chest for a few long seconds. Then he retreated.

“I know– No, I know what Instagram is,” he laughed as he freed himself from my friendly grip. “Actually, I recently registered … just to follow you.”

“Get out,” I said with a voice thick of disbelief. We had stopped walking and now stood right in front of the UFO-like building Oasis 21, which loomed, blue neon-lights and all, in the background. As always, the place was alive with lots of different people but I still only had eyes for him. I hadn’t expected anything like that and was now rightfully taken aback.

“No … But I’ll tell you why at a different time.”

His blue eyes gleamed excitedly, probably from pure happiness and from all those colourful lights; they tinted his dark hair an otherworldly arctic colour, too, as if he was just a projection inside a video game. But we were facing each other now. He was here and so was I. Smiles bright on our lips and our panting, out of outright devouring excitement, staining the air left and right.

I just couldn’t take this “no-touching-allowed”-flirting any longer now that we were surrounded by people.

“Sorry, Masato,” I heard him mumble before I saw him rush towards me. I couldn’t seem to react in any way, honestly, before he had me tackled into a short-lived but passionate mouth-on-mouth kiss; soft hands framing my face longingly and all. Then he stood right in front of me again as if nothing had happened. White puffs of air leaving our mouths.

One second. Exhale. Two seconds. Inhale. Holding my breath.

I felt the tips of my ears grow hot again and this time I couldn’t say whether out of panic or arousal. Maybe both.

“Are you insane?” I mouthed as I dragged him away from the daylight-lit building and passing people while I frantically looked over my shoulder; paranoid. I knew he felt sorry for losing control so very easily but he did not understand the consequences.

“Look, even ‘normal’ couples don’t do that in public here.” I shook my head and concentrated on the path in front of us, leading us away from all the hustle and bustle.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t realise … and then it was too late.”

“I wouldn’t have cared so much in the park …” I sighed as I felt my heart calm down to a relatively normal rhythm again the more we diverged from the station. “But look, I’m sure it’s okay. It was just a second and people here usually respect privacy. I’m not a big celebrity …”

I couldn’t help but feel a little uneasy after this encounter, nonetheless.

Colin next to me nodded silently but his unusually pale complexion told me he was as anxious as I felt. Different countries have different customs after all. He did not know any better. But this was a delicate topic here.

“Hey, it’ll be alright, cheer up,” I smiled wonkily but cushioned the urge to give him a friendly nudge. “Let’s just … calm down and go to my place? There’s an opened bottle of white wine in my fridge …”

***

“I really don’t know what’s gotten into me, sorry,” Colin apologised for the seventh time this night and made a tensed up face; little wrinkles appeared next to the corners of his mouth. As time passed, I had lost the ability to know what to say exactly because it couldn’t be changed and since I was sure that no one had noticed for real, these icky feelings of unrest and queasiness would eventually subside. Or so I hoped.

So I shrugged and put on somewhat of a strained face myself. “Don’t be. Just remember not to do that again,” I laughed lightly and took a sip from my glass. I deliberately held back on telling him to stop apologising and hoped he’d gotten the subtle message.

Had it been risky to take him with me on the train to my apartment after this encounter? Maybe, maybe not. Celebrities here went years and years without having their personal relationships discovered and suddenly married out of the blue. Granted, usually none of them were gay.

I watched my fingers play with the stem of the wine glass. We were sitting on my huge grey corner sofa; in front of us the white couch table with a view out of the glass front. Around us the soft, dimmed light creating a comfortable atmosphere that made my gloomy thoughts a tad lighter as they retreated to the back of my head but I could still feel them linger there. It had irrevocably reminded me of the fact that I was different after all. That I had told myself that I still found women attractive and that I would eventually meet the right person to marry and have kids with; and maybe I still did … in some way. But attraction in some way was not enough anymore in this case. All I wanted was someone I could go up in flames for and it’d been long since I’d last felt this way about a woman. There weren’t many openly gay public figures around here; not many role models. Here, you either married a person of the opposite gender or you just didn’t. People didn’t go around proclaiming their support of the LGBTQ-community. There weren’t any famous people who used their voices to press ahead the movement and educate the stubborn masses. And I just knew that I didn’t want to be the guinea pig.

“Can I do anything to lighten your mood?” he asked innocently with a small smile playing upon his lips, before he put his left hand on my knee. I was positive that he hadn’t intended it to be received in a flirty manner, but it made me grin in a childish way nonetheless.

With a soft sigh, I leaned the back of my head against the back rest to look him in the eyes sleepily – their colour resembled nothing but recently fallen winter rain. Nothing you’d see often. “It helps that you’re here … That you’ve come back to my place. I appreciate it.”

“And yet … You look as if you’ve got a lot on your mind.”

“I do. But I’m afraid I’m not ready to tell you yet.”

Colin nodded understandingly as he drew back his hand after he had brushed cautiously up and down my thigh a few times. I just couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that all of this felt so intimate; so exciting and yet so familiar. As if we’d known each other for much longer already. He made it hard for me to breathe and my heart agitated. I anxiously took in all that was him; the perfectly straight nose, his dimples when he smiled, his smooth underarms and broad chest hidden underneath that flattering button-down. His slightly too long black locks curling around his ears. He had them set back, he’d told me. They surely weren’t as prominent anymore as in his Merlin-days but I still didn’t quite know what to think of that. I had already met him with pinned-back ears; though, when looking at older pictures, I did find them charming. They’d suited him in a strange way.

“No need to,” Colin proclaimed with a soothing tone in his voice and took a sip of his drink as well. I just loved listening to him speak and watching his lips move; his dark accent was nurturing some inner demon inside of me and I did not yet know if that was a good thing. “But I’ll be listening whenever you want me to.”

By then, he had crossed his legs and our knees were faintly touching; his left arm wrapped around the back rest, so ultimately around my shoulders as well. Sitting there closely intertwined and slightly intoxicated, I didn’t want to think about all of these issues anymore. It felt good, being here with him. I felt safe. As safe as I could feel, anyway. And it felt right. So, again, I tried to shove these thoughts to the back of my head and wondered for a short second how well it would work out this time around.

I saw my chance the moment he carefully placed his glass back onto the table and felt myself dashing forward without having finished my last thought completely. With my hands caressing his face, I pressed my lips onto his’ as though I couldn’t breathe without him and I had to smile against his teeth when he drew in a surprised breath. The body wants what it wants.

So this was it – the final straw. I really did need him to breathe; to live. Who was I kidding? His soft lips on mine felt unimaginably heart-wrenching; like everything I’ve ever longed for. I could feel his teeth hidden behind them with every little peck and bite. Those lips were more delicate than any others I’d ever kissed. They felt foreign and yet thoroughly exhilarating. Nothing I was used to. Our kisses earlier this year in winter had been tainted with lust and desire, and these were too, but they were something more altogether. Longing and affection had been mingling and mixing long before; tucking relentlessly at my nervous system and soul. And finally I could kiss him again, this time with more passion; more lust and feelings and my whole heart on the silver plate but I did not care. Either he took me whole or not. This time, I wouldn’t let him go.

“Now it’s allowed?” he managed to croak out between tongue on tongue and little pecks.

I nodded against his forehead and was about to push him back on the sofa and yelped surprised when he pulled me onto his lap instead. “There’s a right time and place for everything,” I added breathlessly.

“I see,” he mused against my lips; this kiss now gentle and soft and slowly fading into somewhat of a lively game between us. “You didn’t plan this, did you?”

I shook my head no and couldn’t resist the temptation to let my hands wander down his neck to feel his biceps and chest and abs. I couldn’t remember if I’d ever sat on anyone like that before but I liked the unfamiliar rush of excitement shooting through my body like little heat waves whenever I inhaled his breath. I could feel his hard dick pressing against my thigh and eventually became aware of my own jeans being too tight.

Time had honestly stopped in its tracks. My mind was so fuzzy with affection and desire that I probably couldn’t intervene even if I wanted to. I didn’t think about tomorrow anymore; or even about the next couple of hours. There was just the sole and deep urge to touch him wherever I could; to kiss him until both our lips went numb … to hear him gasp my name in my ears. I didn’t want to dominate him – suddenly this idea grew very uninteresting in my mind. For the first time in … ever – I realised why people preferred having sex with people they actually loved.

After a while he loosened his soft grip from my jaw where he had held me to kiss me and leaned back; from under half-closed lids, I felt his stare churn this foreign fire deep inside of me further. A desperate sigh left my mouth. “You look so awfully pretty like that,” he breathed out.

Colin let his thumb rest on my lower lip before letting it wander downwards to feel the pulse on my neck, then stopping at my Vena-Tattoo. Another whimper. I lost my breath. I knew that I was prone to blushing hot when I was aroused and so bothered; but I also knew that my lips had to be swollen as well and that one was new. Colin on the other hand didn’t look quite as troubled. He eyed me up and down with a fixating stare; his rainy eyes clouded with what seemed like craving too; and under it I felt myself and the rest of my restraint melt like the freaking polar caps.

“Will you get rid of your shirt for me, Princess?”

As if hypnotised, I managed a short nod before pulling my white shirt over my head and letting it fall to the floor; the cold air now sweeping over my skin, sparking goose bumps and sending shivers down my spine. I had missed being called like that. For the longest time I hadn’t even realised what that did to me; what that could do to me – the power he held over me simply by using as plain a word as that. I just couldn’t get it into my head. I had used it on Hiro not long ago, more or less subconsciously, but it just didn’t have the same impact, either for me or him. And I just couldn’t quite put my finger on why, aside from the fact that Colin could probably say a lot and I’d still worship each and every word right off his God damn lips.

“You’ve never been handled like this before, have you?”

Again, a weak shake of my head. I heard my pulse in my ears. Then he grabbed my hips to press his groin against mine. While I yelped in surprise like an innocent teenager, he let out a long, satisfied sigh. I felt my ears grow hot. I’d just never been in a situation where I was the sub; where I didn’t know his next move and being ultimately at the mercy of someone else and not in charge for once.

“I bet you’re gonna love it. My cock deep inside you, doll, you’re gonna love it so much.”

His promise, thick with want and anticipation, made me think about how it would feel; how his cock inside of me would feel when he filled me up. I’d never been there. I didn’t even know what his dick looked like. And at the very thought, I felt my heart skip another beat. There was a short exchange of heated glances and immediately after I broke the contact, he pulled me towards him by the back of my neck into yet another kiss. I whimpered and he groaned and with all my might I tried to press my body as close to his’ as I could possibly manage. My hands where everywhere all at once, I’d lost track of them all together. I just knew that his chest felt heavenly and my jeans were too tight and I couldn’t get enough of his breath on my tongue and his nose on my cheek. I just couldn’t seem to get quite close enough, no matter how hard I tried.

Somewhere along the way, he had lost his button-down shirt and he or I, I couldn’t recall, had opened up my fly and now my erection poked out at him quite frankly. Feeling kind of awkward about it, I decided to get up from his lap. But then standing right in front of him, I suddenly had the most amazing view of his broad and well-toned chest and stomach, so I forgot to breathe for a second. He wasn’t as scrawny as he appeared at first glance; which I had undoubtedly discovered in my google image search of him. How could he manage to hide that so well? I was neither lanky, nor was I fat by any means – but compared to him I seemed so small and short.

“Wanted to have a better look?” he smirked and moved into a comfortably sprawled out position on the sofa now; covering practically the entire space. Almost no place for me left to sit next to him. Then, after a while, I boldly climbed out of my jeans and tried not to look too lost and unsure. Because I wasn’t, I was so endlessly excited about this whole thing, I just didn’t know what to expect.

“Come here, beautiful,” he whispered breathlessly, as if in awe, as he softly beckoned me over and eased my doubts in the process. I swore he had to have seen my heart pounding beneath my chest, ready to jump out of it, when I’d finally shuffled close enough so that my feet touched the couch. With loving fingers he took a soft hold of my hips and leaned forward. I held my breath when his lips touched me. He was so confident in what he was doing; it didn’t feel fake at all, almost as if it really came naturally to him. And thus it felt so easy for me to melt into his touches and obey his soothingly voiced demands. Suddenly I knew why it felt so different compared to me ordering Hiro around – Colin did it in such a loving, appreciating way that you didn’t even have time to question it. It was hot, following every request of him that is, but I also loved being treated like something precious by him. I wanted to give it to him all – my undying compliance and the chance of having someone he could protect and care for. Someone who moaned just for him. I felt my heart take a leap at the thought.

“You can answer me, you know,” he breathed and his hot breath warming up the fabric of my briefs made me shiver. Then he looked up at me from under his long dark lashes. “I want to hear your pretty voice,” he mouthed at my clothed erection but I could only muster up a weak nod instead.

Not even slightly bemused, he continued on with his efforts and I was back at the hotel. The lights were off and faint car noises reached my ears. Everything was clouded in a delicate kind of mist and felt so new and exciting and suddenly I realised with a missed heartbeat that this time I was sure that I wanted him; that I wanted this, us, and that there was a chance of him staying. Finally.

“Will you touch me, please?”

Colin chuckled. “I will swallow you down, sweetie.”

I hadn’t realised that my mouth stood wide open but now I was in an urgent need to catch my breath and welcomed my ungraceful expression. With careful hands, he pulled down my briefs and suddenly I stood naked in front of him; my hard cock twitching at the mere thought of him taking me inside his mouth. Even though we’d had sex before, we hadn’t been naked together. He’d never seen me naked and neither had I seen him, but now that it was happening, it felt like pure ecstasy running through my veins. Suddenly I knew why Hiro liked it so much – this faint sense of being at his mercy and at the same time I was functioning as his little doll he could delight in. He could look at and get off to.

Then he finally delivered on his promise and started to lick a tender line up my shaft. I moaned under his tongue and he grinned. My hands now in his hair.  “A cock ring would look so pretty on you, doll.”

I could only mumble something very unintelligible before he was already licking the tip of my cock to make it wet before taking me all in. I instinctively held on to his hair so tight that I had to loosen my grip again when I noticed, though Colin did not seem to be bothered in any way. With half-closed eyes, I watched his head, slowly bobbing back and forth, blur into a mist of blacks and whites, sending sparks through my whole body. He was so insanely good at it that it made it hard for me to stop him. But I wouldn’t have been able to control myself any longer hadn’t I intervened. And Jesus, I would have regretted it.

“You already want more?”

His voice was soft and did not at all sound rigid and as though he’d just deepthroated someone. Smooth like freshly fallen snow and just as bright it was and maybe I just focused too much on that aspect so as to avoid the actual question he’d asked. But yes, yes I wanted more of him. So desperately.

My breath came out at a rapid rhythm now but also wouldn’t slow down. Then he finally took the hint and stood back up. Close to my naked self, he appeared to be even taller. “You know, you have to tell me. I’ll make you comfortable.”

He brushed my right cheek and jawline with his thumb and I felt his breath on my lips. His dark coloured blue eyes, or what I could see of them covered by his thick lashes, were clouded but attentive. Then I nodded. “I want more of you.”

Colin smiled lovingly before he kissed me. Every spoken word directed at him felt like miles and miles of stones falling off my shoulders. It was hard every time, telling him exactly what I wanted, giving in to his dominating nature, but then it got easier every time I’d do it and this rush of excitement whenever he’d flash a proud smile after that, was addicting. It made me smile, too. It made my heart flutter and cheeks glow. It was like training a young dog, really, if you’d think about it. Praise and telling off. The thing was, though, that it worked. I knew about it and I wanted it to work. I wanted his attention and wanted to make him proud.

“Tell you what, princess, you’re gonna hop onto the sofa and wait for me. I’ll go get some lube and a condom.”

Again, I nodded well-behaved and did as I was told. I didn’t quite know how to feel, though. I was so excited to finally feel him but I also didn’t know what to expect. Obviously I’d had anal sex before, just not on the receiving end. I knew how to prepare and how to relax. I knew what he’d do to me, probably. But giving in and just letting go of your control was not as easy as it sounded. So I tried to relax after I had giving him unintelligible clues as where to find all of it.

I watched him stroll into the living room again with slow, confident steps and a smirk on his lips; condom and lube dangling in his hand. His pants were open and rode low on his hip bones; he wasn’t wearing his socks anymore. This ridiculously fascinating view of him almost made me want to hide away again. I didn’t think I was ugly … but he was just so gorgeous.

His smooth laughter in my ears when he sat down gingerly calmed my nerves again. I felt like such a stupid little virgin.

“It’ll be so good,” he whispered into my ear as his lips grazed my skin and his fingertips my cock, his other arm wrapped around my shoulders, “I couldn’t stop myself from thinking about it for days.”

My thoughts jumped from him sucking my dick to his fingers fucking me and then his cock deep inside of me. It was pure chaos up in there and so I kissed him to quieten up my lousy head. For one second I thought I’d seen surprise in his eyes but the next second the impression was gone and he was kissing me back with everything he’d got; hand on my jaw and fingers in my hair.

“When I watched you on stage, screaming and growling, all I could think of was you on my cock.”

My heart pounded loud in my ears and even though I felt like that this was my clue to get embarrassed, I just felt so frighteningly turned on.

“I really want to do that before, though,” I hummed soft-spoken, a bit nervous, as I broke the kiss and got to my knees instead. It was not so easy getting rid of his jeans even though they sat so very loosely on his hips. Once his pants and briefs were gone, though, I had to hold my breath. I wasn’t one to judge and, honestly, size didn’t matter to me as an at-least-bisexual-probably-gay-man, anyway. I’d never thought about it this way. But his cock surely was bigger than I had expected. Not large, not 8 ½ inches. But proper thick. Staring at it in somewhat of a state of awe, I couldn’t figure out if I could even take it into my mouth, let alone my arse.

“That’s a can of coke,” I joked and only then did I hear myself and laughed to cover up my awkwardness. Luckily, he laughed too.

“We’ll be careful and we’ll take it from there,” he breathed; voice raspy and low and with his fingers in my hair again. I loved those affectionate touches so very much. His cock twitched while I looked at it and I could swear it got even bigger. But I really, really wanted him inside my mouth, too. All we had ever done was him sucking me off. I just really wanted to know how he’d taste and smell like and how he’d feel. The weight of him on my tongue. I’d never before been confronted with “issues” like these and I had never really spent a single second thinking about anything like that. I’d never had to. But I knew that I trusted him and that I didn’t need to be nervous. So I went along.

I had sucked dicks before of course. I loved it, too. Even though I’d let Hiroki handle the majority of the dick-sucking. It’d been a while, though, but when I got close to him and breathed in this familiar scent, I felt the desire in me build a mountain. My heart jumped just as my tongue touched the underside of his cock for the first time. I couldn’t exactly look up and him in the eye, he had his head thrown back and our positions were too awkward, but I heard him sigh in a low voice and that was all I needed to go on. My hands, that I had been resting on his naked thighs, now moved of their own accord up and down, so did my tongue. It was a hell of a task to get him wet enough for me to finally take him in fully. Wouldn’t exactly be smooth enough dry, but there was just so much surface.

I loved the way he winced when I reached his tip and started to suck on it and felt myself grin so that my teeth touched him only faintly. He looked so breathtakingly amazing like this, I just couldn’t comprehend how I had such a beautiful person at my mercy and in my mouth. And when I first took him full in, he moaned and I felt it grow hot between my legs. I hadn’t been aware that sucking dick could do something like this to you. I literally felt my desire rise to unknown heights and my cock wouldn’t stop twitching. I just couldn’t figure out how to take him fully into my mouth, it would only go so far. But Colin still seemed to enjoy it; moaning, groaning, he held onto my hair and guided me up and down gently. Not too forcefully but still determined. Having such a hard and thick cock inside your mouth was an exciting feeling I’d never felt before. It made my mouth water and honestly look forward to the next part of this. I was so hot all over. So hot and bothered that I didn’t even realise it when he finally pulled me up and off his cock to give me a sloppy kiss. I was gone by then; totally wasted and high on his smell and taste. Eyes hooded, mouth open.

“You want more, don’t you?” he whispered; almost as drunken as I felt. I nodded.

Yes. Yes, right now I didn’t want anything more than me naked on his lap. Feeling his hands wander across my body, hearing his moans and little sighs; crying my name. I wanted to touch his warm skin and burn the image and feel of him deep into my soul so that I would not be able to forget about it ever again. I didn’t know when we could be seeing each other again. And I didn’t want to think about that right now.

“Come here to me, pretty,” Colin slurred and gestured for me to join him on the couch, so I hastily got up and sat next to him. I lost myself in the way he looked at me tenderly; tracing invisible paths we were yet to take onto my skin with his finger. His breath on my cheek and his beard stubble almost touching my skin; tickling. He was so close. My heart skipped a beat. “Just relax, yeah? You’re gonna love my two fingers inside of you.”

I nodded, felt a delicate blush creep on my cheeks, but there was just nothing I could do anymore. My body was not mine, neither was my head. It was as though I had entirely surrendered to him; body and mind. My eyes clouded with lust and drunken with want. Fuzzy. Like cotton wool inside my head. I’d never before experienced anything like it but I knew that I was about to get addicted.

I only casually noticed how he spread some lube on his fingers to warm it up; next thing I knew he started touching me gingerly down there, drawing gentle circles and adjusting me to the feeling. It was foreign, I had to admit, though the idea of it had always been in the back of my mind, so I wasn’t really surprised when it felt better than I’d expected.

I was still lying in his arms, having spread my legs ever so slightly, feet on the couch. He was good at this; still not too forceful and slow enough for me to enjoy it. But there was a certain boldness to it, too. He knew what he was doing and so I could relax into his movements and little purrs of affection and love. His thumb caressing my shoulder and little pecks on my neck. Until he pushed one finger in. But it came naturally, there was no time to be surprised. I’d been so ready for this. If anything, I longed for more.

And so I voiced my displeasure with a soft moan. I wasn’t even able anymore to look him in the eye; I had my eyes closed and closed they wanted to remain. But his finger felt so dangerously on the edge of being satisfying-yet-not-satisfying-enough, the way he moved; pushing in and out and growing faster with every movement. He knew it, I knew he did. He loved to tease me; I could feel his grin on my cheek and his rapid breathing on my skin. I knew he watched me going insane. Until a second finger finally joined. I yelped when he did it but it didn’t feel foreign anymore, nor did it feel uncomfortable. It felt just like it was supposed to feel when you really wanted someone inside of you – immediately and all at once.

I was clawing at his soft skin at this point and it felt far too hot in here. I grew careless, impatient; shuffled closer and closer to him until I almost sat on his lap. I held onto his shoulders and back and hips and chest as though I was afraid I could slip any second. I didn’t know how to express my longing any other way, really. I’d only ever taken anything I wanted, I’d never been depended. But my mouth remained sewn shut except for a few desperate moans that rolled off my tongue so very heavily. If that was how two fingers felt … how would that end?

“Do you think you have it in you to get on my lap, princess? Do you think you could do that for me?”

His voice was honey-sweet with a tint of a mischievous grin but I couldn’t think straight, all I could feel were his fingers sliding in and out of me. “Shut up,” I whispered; not because he embarrassed me but because I just didn’t know any better. My whole being was already so full of him that I didn’t even think another bit of him could fit inside of me. There was just no space left. My heart felt so full.

But then he pulled out his fingers cautiously and wiped them on a tissue. I watched him breathlessly; totally out of touch with myself and my surroundings. I honestly had tunnel-vision at this point. Next he opened the condom wrapper and put it on; watched me watching him. Smiled encouragingly. Then he took the lube and spread it over his cock. My gaze was fixed on his dick. His hand lingered there ever so slightly. We made eye-contact for a second and then he began stroking himself. Slowly, gingerly so as not to mess with the condom, he massaged up and down and I felt my eyes glued to this sight of him. Suddenly I actually felt like I was blushing. At least my ears grew hot. It made me think about watching him like that all the time, until the end, up until he came.

Honestly, there were just too many sensations going on and I didn’t know which one to give my full attention.

“Do you want to sit on me?” he asked in a seductive tone of voice and there was just no way I would have said no. This time, again, I only nodded and followed through.

With a swift motion, I swung one of my legs over his lap while I held onto his shoulders. I felt his cock twitch against my thigh. I couldn’t hold onto me, so I dashed in to capture his lips and he obliged without a word or gesture of resistance or protest. Now that his fingers weren’t inside of me anymore but my want hadn’t been satisfied, I felt the loss of that filled up space deep inside of me. It kind of … tickled. It sparked thunder and flames. It spread throughout my body and just wanted to be complete again. It was just another kind of longing. Why had I ever missed out on that before?

I felt him position himself, taking his cock in his hand to guide it to my butt. I felt him nudging at my skin. I sighed both in relief and excitement. Then he finally pushed in. I had to admit, my first reaction was to hold still and cramp up. It wasn’t uncomfortable and it didn’t hurt, maybe it was just the surprise of it all and the unfamiliar position. But he waited patiently, I could hear his breath leave his lips in weighty waves; hands firmly on my hips and his eyes only looking at me. Now his vision was just as cloudy as mine.

“It’s okay, take your time,” he mouthed at my lips but I could see him shiver and shake; felt him twitching inside of me. Something we had longed for so insanely long and now mere seconds felt like centuries. That’s why it didn’t take long for me to relax again, seeing that it didn’t hurt at all. All I could feel was this space that wasn’t filled up how it was supposed to and so I lowered myself farther down on his cock. Until I had him almost balls deep inside of me. Colin’s groans were so low that they ringed in my ears. He would have probably made a perfect shouter. I just couldn’t figure out where to put all this arousal and lust and want and all-encompassing desperation.

I felt myself claw at his skin again but he just grinned. Brushed a single strand of hair out of my face. My cheeks had to have been charcoal-glowing red by then. All I was able to hear was my heartbeat in my ears and his breathing on my neck. He kissed my tattoo. I yelped. Then I finally started to move up and down and was blinded by sparks dancing across my vision.

God, I should have listened to Hiroki. It wasn’t even the dominance-kick I needed. I didn’t miss it in the slightest. How could I’d been so strangely wrong about that? All he did was filling me up and I’d never been so perfectly happy in my life before.

With his hands on my hips, he supported me in my awkward movements and for a moment he didn’t do anything other than staring at me with a half opened mouth. I was hypnotised by it and it seemed to be as if my legs moved of their own accord. “You look so awfully pretty like that, doll … Oh my God– you don’t even know what that does to me.”

My heart nearly jumped out of my chest. It felt so full and complete. The thrill of it all! The affection I held for him. The excitement of the moment. The lust building camps and fires inside of the pit of my stomach. I knew it was spreading. I could feel it in my fingertips holding onto his skin desperately. I didn’t feel the need to say anything and he didn’t push me. He just wanted to let me know and it felt so good. Everything that had been wrong with mine and Hiroki’s interaction. Love was not just a feeling now after all, was it?

Somewhere along the way he had started to carefully thrust upwards to meet me but there was no way his movements weren’t becoming hastier and harder by the second. I had started to hug his shoulders and bury my nose in his neck and hair. He smelled so gorgeous. I didn’t even feel the need to touch myself; I honestly wouldn’t have thought that a dick inside of you could feel enough. It was a different kind of arousal, a different kind of sensation. We weren’t even fully aware of how loud our moans were that filled the room.

Then he kissed me again, deep this time. It became hard to keep up the rhythm as my arousal got the better of me. I was panting by then and he had to have known that I was exhausted. Not from effort per se, but this different kind of penetration just made your legs weak and your breath shaky and so I was glad that he had started to lead this whole thing.

“I want you to look at me when you come, okay?” he mumbled, I almost hadn’t understood what he had been saying; his lips were heavy and his words were slurred. Honestly, he tried to look as unbothered as he could manage but it didn’t work. He was in this as deep as I was and it made me so childishly giddy inside. “Can you do that for me?”

I nodded.  He reached down to stroke my cock. I gasped in surprise.

“You can come all over me too, princess. I want you to.”

My forehead found its way to his on its own. Our hot breath mingled and made our cheeks damp. I just couldn’t describe it, he was so thick and filled me up perfectly and yet it didn’t feel as enormous as in the beginning but it was still so overwhelming. Our rhythm, however, grew more rapid and rapid by the second and somewhere in my head I had the thought that it should actually hurt more than it did but all I felt was pure arousal. We didn’t think about it anymore, it was too easy to just act on it. The harder and faster our movements, the louder our moans became; the more I loved it. By then, we were moving in unison – the way two gear wheels meshed with one another. Like we were made for it. It just felt natural. And soon I didn’t know whether I was coming or going. Quite literally even.

“Look at me, look at me,” I heard Colin exclaim forcefully, as if he was actually scared I would forget, but it was too hard not to look him in the eye, anyway. Though, admittedly, it was also hard to keep my eyes open with all those different sensations running through my veins. I alternated between touching his chest and cupping his face with both my hands, I didn’t know where to put them. I just knew that one of his hands was on my cock and the other somewhere on my body, drawing red lines and digging holes.

It all got too much pretty fast. The pressure and friction and heat. And I still couldn’t get as close to him as I desperately needed to. He wasn’t holding off any longer, his thrusts came harsh and deep but I still rolled my hips downwards to meet them. I wanted to make him come. I also wanted to see him come. Our faces were mere inches apart and I could taste his breath on my tongue but his stare kept me from actually diving in to kiss him senseless. I wanted to watch each and every little detail when his features moved to make way for other expressions. To watch his nostrils flare, somehow it made him look even prettier. Realer. If that made sense.

My ears picked up on the change in his voice; his groans becoming deeper and louder. I knew he was close. And now that he’d found the perfect angle and pace to jerk me off, I knew that I couldn’t last any longer, either. Nothing but this mattered anymore and we held onto each other like lovers falling from the sky. I didn’t have to say anything when I was about to come, he knew and held my face in his hand. It was hard keeping my eyes open but the expression in his eyes was worth it all; like a deep understanding and admiration but mingled with this fire still burning in them, it looked so hot. That gave me the last kick, frankly said. That he was watching me closely as I came all over his chest and stomach; the first shot even reaching his neck and jaw, but I only saw it faintly. Like through a curtain. Slowly it began dripping down his sides but he did not stop moving. My body felt so light and insanely hot that it became difficult to move. My heart exploded. I’d never felt so exhausted, my body was just limp. All of these little fireworks exploding in my chest had given me the rest. But now he was close too and I did my best to still meet his thrusts; I could see it in his eyes that me coming had been the last drop, however, and so I watched him close his eyes in ecstasy and scrunch up his nose, mouth wide open. I was in awe. His arms and neck showed his veins as he pushed me further down on his cock a tad too hard and I had to gasp. Now it hurt. But maybe that was because the arousal had been subsiding.

When he’d stopped moving, panting frantically, I cupped his face and kissed him for at least half a minute, I couldn’t really tell. It made the hair on the back of my neck stand up. Those intense feelings rushed so fast through my body so that I felt my eyes well up; tickling. I’d done my best to get as close to him as possible but it seemed like there was no way I could ever achieve that feeling I was seeking. This was as close as it would get. When we parted, he licked his lips contemplatively and brushed a strand of hair from my forehead. A short smile.

“I’ve wanted to tell you how pretty you look but I just couldn’t get out a word seeing you like this.”

I chuckled amused, slightly overwhelmed as I didn’t exactly know what to retort, and reached for the tissue box to wipe the semen from his skin. More than I had expected, by the way, we were lucky it didn’t reach the couch. “You’re such a bootlicker, you know that?” I told him finally but didn’t meet his gaze.

“I’m offended,” he laughed and supported me as I climbed off his lap before he made himself busy with taking off the condom and disposing of it. “Don’t act as if you didn’t like being called pretty, beautiful and princess.”

I shrugged my shoulders and hoped that he meant every single word he’d said, every time he’d said them. But I didn’t exactly want to ask him about it. “Yes, I love it.”

Then he laid his arm around my shoulders to pull me closer and I relaxed into his touch; his smug smile strangely underlining the seriousness of it all. I breathed a sigh of relief. “I love that you enjoy it.”

***

“So, you told me you’d tell me why you followed me on Instagram.”

“That was literally two hours ago, Masato,” I watched him laugh and almost choke on his words, obviously still slightly embarrassed, for whatever reason. He shouldn’t have told me in the first place, really. “Isn’t that obvious, anyway?”

“I want to hear it from your mouth,” I insisted with a straight voice. We’d put on our clothes again and were now lying somewhat on top of one another on the couch. No one smoked by the window this time around, either. But tonight I didn’t care. I didn’t want this to end. It wasn’t just comfortable – it made my heart so perfectly full, like there was no way I could ever be happier in any other moment. I felt at ease with the world as I counted his heartbeats silently and realised that they were mine, too.

“Okay,” he prepared himself, straightening up a bit. His hand on my shoulder did a little patting gesture. “When I found out about you and your band … I just needed to know what you’re up to. I liked seeing you, okay? I stared at some of those pictures … maybe a bit too long.”

He’d started stroking my shoulder again with his thumb while I traced his abs through his shirt. Lying here with him and talking about these things felt so easy all of a sudden. Like a huge weight had been lifted from both our shoulders since we’d had sex. Talking always seemed so easy after that. “So you’re saying that you jerked off to my pictures?”

“I … wouldn’t put it like that.”

“Yeah, me neither if I were you.”

Again, he laughed; this time I felt it on top of my head. Then he placed a kiss there and breathed out, making a spot on my hair feel warm and damp. I followed suit, conveniently leaving out the circumstances of our awkward phone-encounter. “I know we’re just starting out but … I can’t help but to think of where this is gonna take us.”

“Where? I don’t know … forward?” He shrugged his shoulders, I nudged him dissatisfied.

“You know what I mean.”

“The distance …”

“Not only that, you know. We’re both busy people. I have my career and so do you.”

I didn’t even think about the possibility of letting anyone know about our steadily increasing feelings for one another; the relationship we were about to build. One problem at a time, they say. When there was no relationship due to distance problems, I wouldn’t have to fear telling anyone, obviously. But that thought lay heavy like a bag of stones in my stomach and closed up my throat. That feeling when you suddenly had everything you’d ever wished for and then it turns out that you’d been mistaken all along … that wasn’t pleasant at all.

“I’d love to tell you that it’ll all work out fine and that we shouldn’t concern ourselves with matters so difficult to resolve so soon. But that’s not what you want to hear, is it?”

“I’ll get us a glass of water,” I answered queasily instead to dodge the question and got up. No, of course this wasn’t what I wanted to hear from him. Although I should have known it, really. This specific issue wasn’t just resolved on its own, that was just not how things worked. We were from different parts of the world and that was it. It just felt so eerily similar to back then when he walked away from keeping in contact with me. Back at the hotel where he wasn’t concerned about how to find me again. He had found me in the end, obviously, but I did not think that he intended to at first. And that stung.

When I came back with two glasses in hand, he sat upright on the couch and took it without a word. Nipped. Watched the floor. I shuffled about nervously because I didn’t quite know what to say or do. I didn’t want to speak it out loud. Then it would become far too real for my taste. I craved the mysterious after-glow from our hotel room; the dark mist that had settled over us like cotton wool. He had rejected me back then, in a way. But I had not cared as much. Mostly because it hadn’t felt real in the first place. But tonight my heart beat so heavy in my chest that it hurt and it made it hard to breathe.

I love him I love him I love him I love him

Then he got up and looked me in the eye – dead straight.

“Come to London.”

“Wha– I can’t. That’s literally where I’ve just been.”

“I mean, why don’t you move there?”

“I– I … Colin, I have a career here. I can’t just move to a different continent, I–”

Silence. He just stared and as he did so, something in his eyes lit up and I couldn’t pull away from that sight.

“Okay.”

[meandhernever]

Hello, My name is Greg I’m 39 years old and I moved to Las Vegas four years ago. I moved here from California, I was married to my second wife and we had two kids, one girl and a new born baby boy. Home life in Oxnard was pretty normal, well for us it was. My wife worked for the County and I worked as a Security Officer.

We had our financial problems, especially because I had child support payments for two kids I had previously, um yeah I was a busy young man, pretty irresponsible and dumb.

So as she began to get pay raises she began to grow tired of having to budget between our two incomes. I felt like less of a man and worst father. We tried couples counseling which resulted in her walking out of one session and not showing up for the next.

We were roommates/ parents, I began to build a long distance relationship which grew pretty strong. So strong that I moved to Vegas to be with her and to try life in the growing local economy out there, I really thought, maybe I could get a better paying job, maybe more affordable living etc. and be with my new love.

Her name was Lisa, she was 8 years younger than me but we were in love and nobody could tell us otherwise. It’s just her and I living in a roach infested one bedroom apartment.

Lisa was very pretty, she would frequently describe herself as BBW (Big Beautiful women). Which I’ve always liked. Her smile did IT for me. Some how we got hooked into a Cult, one that we really identified with due to its Biblical and Historical teachings. We felt this was fate, us being brought together and then finding what was referred to as the “TRUTH”. So we got married.

I had been working at a Casino, doing Security while she was a phone rep. Between working nights and her working days and the schedule demands from the cult, we both became so stressed out. She began to talk to an ex boyfriend and have him over when I left for work, at night which I found out by coming home early. She was using messaging apps which I also was able reveal.

We had started arguing constantly, she refused couples counseling after finding a text message conversation I had with someone that I was talking to. We tried calling a truce and she agreed to try counseling. But She never should up.

So on our last night, I went into work, when I got home the door was lock was changed. She had just taken all of my money for bills so I had no place to go, no family, no friends couch to crash on. So I reached out to the girl I had started talking to and she took me in.

Her name was Shakeena, we got along very well at first. Lots of sex, which was great. Shakeena wasn’t most comly of women but she put in a lot of effort into being good to me. She even tried learning more about the Bible. But there was something off about Shakeena. It hit me one day, I got a text message from my ex, Lisa explaining when to come get the rest of my belongings. Well Shakeena was jealous and she ran at me and snatched my phone out of my hands, to read the messages. Finding nothing out of sorts, she gave me the phone back. Hours later she apologized. I thought at the time, wow she must really like me, I’ve never had this before.

As I took on a new role at work, I was in contact with multiple people on and off duty. This only made Shakeena more agitated and argumentative. Shakeena would become violent and start to throw objects at me and sometimes hit me in the face with a closed fist.

Shakeena would always apologize and start making up to me. We’d have great sex and like a big dummy I’d forget about it.

Shakeena was not a aspiring women, she worked a entry level position at a local Walmart. She would routinely run late to work, speeding through the street at dangerous speeds. She ended up getting fired for time card fraud.

After that, Shakeena became even more of a loose canon with her anger.

On one occasion, I called the Police who when they came out, she had already left the house. That occasion she came at me with a knife and I barricaded myself in the closet until Police arrived.

I moved out, my mom sent me money to get a new place and a down payment on a car. So I rented a room and I was great. I stayed I that room for a few moths and I managed to hang onto my job.

Then somehow, Shakeena worked her way back into my life. She convinced me she was getting help with her anger. I wanted to save money and I believed her, so I moved back in with her. This was the worst mistake of my life.

I moved back in with Shakeena and her two sons. One son was 4 years old and not potty trained. Her other sons was 13 years old and in dire need of a male role model. Shakeena would routinely belittle and embarrass him in front of others. I hoped my presence could help balance something out. Also, Shakeena was giving something I longed for, a family.

So time went on, Shakeena and I built on our relationship. For awhile she did ok with not losing her anger. But then one day I came home late after a rare incident at work, where I was questioned about stealing. I was upset about work, and when I came home Shakeena was waiting, she was visibly upset even before hearing all the details about why I was late. Even though while driving I had texted her briefly telling her that some crazy stuff was going on at work and I’d be late.

So, immediately Shakeena is giving me angry stares almost like she wants to physically fight me. All while I’m trying to unwind from work. She begins to accuse me of cheating to which I denied. As crazy as Shakeena was, I was not cheating on her. I actually wanted to give us a shot and for once not have any hand in the demise of my relationship. But Shakeena was convinced that I was cheating with a friend of mine. Shakeena resorted back to her violent ways, she threw liquor onto me and began to strike a cigarette lighter sparking it, as if she wanted set me and my clothes on fire. So I grabbed I grabbed my phone, she ran downstairs to the garage threatening to get lighter fluid to truly set me on fire. I ran down the stairs to try and get out of the house. She cut me off and with the bbq grill charcoal lighter fluid she began to douse me, soaking the clothes I was wearing. She starting striking the lighter repeatedly, getting closer than before.

I made it to the living room after wrestling with her. She again started dousing me with more lighter fluid. The lighter stopped working, so she threatened to get a knife and stab me, then she went past me towards the kitchen. I ran out of the door and got into my car. Shakeena ran after me, knife in hand. Now in my car she stands behind the car trying to block me from leaving. I drive forward over a soft street curbed cul de sac and begin to drive away.

Just when I thought that I was getting away, I could hear a car horn honking and speeding to catch up to me. I was able to get through a turning light, Shakeena ran threw the red light.Shakeena blew through stop signs behind me. She continued to try and run me off of the road until I pulled into a police station. She drove up to me and threatened my life again.

Smelling like lighter fluid, wearing one Nike sandal, I reported the incident. Police officers followed me back to Shakeena’s house where there was plenty of evidence of Shakeenas madness still present. Police took photos and arrested Shakeena for domestic battery.

I retrieved my stuff and I never went back. I never contacted Shakeena ever again.

From that day forward I don’t date black women. I just can’t do it. Sure, I’m probably not to best bachelor either. This is just my personal experience, I know this doesn’t mean ever black women is like the ones in my life. But can you blame me for just wanting someone easy going and drama free. At least while I get my shit together. So I can try to get back in to my kids life somehow. I’m now focusing on being a better man, and a better me.

[thezacharywinters]

Hope’s Birthday Surprise [Hope x Zach]

@hope-robinson

[Zach]

Zach had been planning a surprise for Hope’s birthday for quite a while now. He wasn’t sure about how she felt about parties just yet but he knew that there was definitely a way to find out. He had taken the time to wrap a few presents for her and even wrapped some that Emmett had gotten for her when he brought the baby to the store and asked which ones that he should get for his mommy. Zach was such a softy when it came to kids but he would never let anyone else know that.

“Let’s go get mommy and show her the toys. I am sure she will love them.” He smiles while picking up Emmett and carrying him to their room. Knocking on the door, Zach peered inside. “Are you busy? Emmett and I have a surprise for you. Can you come with us?”

[Hope]

Hope was sitting on her bed with papers surrounding her when she looked up to see Zach. She smiled softly, “Yeah come on in. I want to show you some things I picked for our wedding.” She replied before looking back at the papers.

[Zach]

“Oh? Sure I would love to see what you have picked out.” He responds while walking over as Emmett made grabby hands at Hope and said ‘mama’. “Ah you aren’t supposed to say that just yet, you were supposed to say that when we give her the presents.” Zach lets out an awkward laugh. “Well, I guess you got one of your presents a bit early. I have been working on him on it all day.”

[Hope]

She looked up when she heard Emmett and smiled excitedly as she got off the bed. “Awe Emmett that is so cute.” She said attacking the baby with kisses causing him to laugh. “My presents? Oh right my birthday.” She remembered looking at Zach. “Sorry, I guess with all that’s been going on I didn’t even think I would celebrate this year. But thank you regardless.”

[Zach]

“Of course it is your birthday. We are definitely celebrating, Emmett and I have been working hard for you to have this day to yourself so, I asked Jay to cover for anything you might be needed for so that you can have a day for yourself since it is your birthday and all.” He responds with a smile, “Now, how about you show me what you were thinking for the wedding.”

[Hope]

Hope nodded as she moved to place Emmett in his playpen. She went and grabbed Zach’s hand before kissing him softly, “Thank you for getting him to say that, I know you would have been really happy if he said dada first.” She teased as she lead him to the bed.

[Zach]

Zach kissed her back before smiling, “You and I both know he is definitely a mommy’s boy. But if we ever have a daughter then we can work on that.” He teases while following her to the bed.

[Hope]

“A daughter?” She asked smiling as she sat on the bed. “You want to have another child with me?” She teased him pinching his cheek playfully.

[Zach]

“Of course I do. We are a family after all aren’t we? Besides once we get married it will all be official.” He explains with a smile before giving her a kiss on the forehead.

[Hope]

“Yes it will.” She smiled as looked down at her papers. “Okay so I scheduled us for a tasting sessions so we can decide on food, I already picked the flowers because they have to match the colors and all. I’m thinking we should have a relatively a small amount of people there. Mostly because I don’t want to entertain the whole island, our wedding is about us and that’s what I want to focus on.”

[Zach]

“Tasting wine or cake? I would be down for both.” He smiles before nodding his head as he hears her words. Small is good. Besides I don’t usually have a fondness for crowds either. Close friends and family right?” He asks.

[Hope]

Hope nods. “Only people who really care about us and the royals because they have to be there otherwise I would make sure they stayed far away from us.” She joked. “Mhm we’ll be tasting all sorts of drinks, and cakes, and appetizers, and meal options. And maybe when we get home I can give you a taste of something else.” She winked.

[Zach]

“Oh? You should be careful about that, poor little Emmett might hear you.” He teases with a smirk as he bit his bottom lip. “What is your favorite flavor though?”

[Hope]

“Ah he can’t hear me.” She smiled as she moved closer to Zach. “My favorite flavor? Red velvet.”

[Zach]

“Really? That is one of my favorite flavors too, I do have quite a few though.” He explains with a smile while looking at the other. “I think my favorite is you flavored though.” He purrs while pulling her closer to him and kissing her.

[Hope]

Hope laughed lightly at his words as she kissed him back and moved to straddle him. “You are my favorite flavor too Zach.” She smiled happily as she kissed him deeply.

[Zach]

Zach kissed Hope back before looking over to see if Emmett was still awake and he saw that the baby was sleeping. “I guess we will just have to be extra quiet won’t we?” He smirked when she straddled his lap.

[Hope]

Hope bit her lip as she started grinding her hips against his. “I guess we will.” She purred before pulling him back towards her in a heated kiss.

[Zach]

The male lets his fingers weave through her hair as he cupped her cheeks in his hands. “Mhm you are so perfect you know that?” He teases her while helping her roll her hips against his as he could feel himself already hardening.

[Hope]

“Perfect? Me? You are cute.” She smiled as her face turned bright red at his words. She could feel him getting hard against her and that only encouraged her to move her hips faster. “You feel so good Zach.”

[Zach]

“Cute? That’s all?” He teases before letting his hands move against her thighs before trailing under her skirt. “I think there is something much better than just cute under this skirt of yours.” The male purrs while his hand slips against her panties. “Mhm someone is very wet. I wonder why.”

[Hope]

Hope let out a breathy moan as she felt his hand against her. Her eyes turned dark red as she looked at him. “It’s all because of you. You do things to me no one else can do.” She purrs bucking her hips against his.

[Zach]

Zach was very quick and quiet about stripping the both of their clothes. He carefully collects the photos and pictures that she had on the bed and puts them in a neat pile on the nightstand very quickly and efficiently as well. The male then goes back over to Hope and pins her to the bed and kisses her as he grinds against her. The tip of his cock brushing against her entrance teasingly as he could feel her wetness. “Mhm...do you think that you deserve daddy’s cock baby girl?”

[Hope]

Hope helps him remove their clothes as she was quite impressed with how fast Zach was about moving everything out of their way. She kissed him back before feeling her back being pinned to the bed. “Yes daddy...it is my birthday after all. Daddy should help his princess celebrate.” She smirked moving a hand between them to help push Zach inside of her so he would stop all of the teasing. She bit harshly on her bottom lip to stop from moaning.

[Zach]

Hearing her words, he couldn’t help but to smile. Feeling her putting him inside of her, he bit his bottom lip to keep himself from moaning as well. “Fuck baby girl, tell daddy how you want his cock.” He purrs into her ear.

[Hope]

She had to remind herself that Emmett was still in the room so they both couldn’t do what they had in mind. “I want to feel all of you inside of me daddy. Make love to me and then tonight we can both lose control.” She replied.

[Zach]

Zach listened to her words as he placed kisses against her neck and shoulders. He made sure to take his time and that with each thrust he would bottom out so that she could feel all of him. He made sure that he could feel all of her as well and tried to keep himself from moaning at how good it felt. The male kisses her slowly and meaningfully. “I love you so much Hope.”

[Hope]

Hope’s claws ripped into Zach’s back when he bottomed out to stop from moaning at how could she felt. She was getting more worked up by all the intense kissing. “I love you too Zach, so much.” She said against his lips.

[Zach]

Zach could feel her claws ripping into his back but he was so wrapped up in the pleasure he failed to even notice that. His hand moves down her body as he lets his thumb rub circles against her clit. “You want to cum for daddy baby girl? Show daddy how good you feel.” He moans into her ear while feeling himself starting to grow closer to his orgasm.

[Hope]

Her back arched, pressing her chest against his as she nodded. The pleasure becoming increasingly difficult to remain quiet. “Please..daddy I need to cum.”

[Zach]

“Then cum for me baby girl.” He purrs before kissing her so that it would muffle her moans so that it wouldn’t wake the baby.

[Hope]

Hope moaned against his lips as she clenched around him and came. She knew Zach loved hearing her moan his name but she hoped he would be fine knowing she couldn’t.

[Zach]

Zach was growing closer to his orgasm and when he felt her clenching around him, he couldn’t help but cum deep inside of her. “Oh fuck...” He moans softly against her lips as he rides out his orgasm.

[Hope]

She kissed him as they rode out their orgasms. “I love you Zach.” She said peppering his face in kisses. She took her nails out of his back when she started smelling the blood. “Shit I didn’t even realize, I’m so sorry.”

[Zach]

“I love you too Hope.” He smiles before kissing her. “Don’t worry about it, they will heal over, they always do.” The male explains while looking at the blood on her nails and just shrugging.

[Hope]

“Yeah but it leaves a scar. I always forget that you are just human...I need to be more careful.” She replied looking at her nails and gently pushing Zach off of her so she could grab the first aid kit.

[Zach]

“I am not fragile you know.” Zach responds with a shake of his head as he moves so that she could get something for his back.

[Hope]

“I didn’t say you were but you aren’t like me. I know you are strong and I know you can handle yourself but that doesn’t change the fact I’m a hybrid and if I lose control I could seriously hurt you.” She explained before turning him around. “I mean your back is completely covered in blood.” She said frowning as she started wiping it away.

[Zach]

“Yeah I guess but I don’t really feel much of it anymore. I tend to hyperfocus on certain things and everything else seems rather irrelevant...have you ever thought of being with a shifter or siren? I mean I am sure your parents have asked you about that too. Are they disappointed that I am human? Are you disappointed that I am human?” He asks rather nonchalantly.

[Hope]

Hope finished bandaging his back before moving to sit next to him. “Zach no I don’t care. I love you. I am so madly in love with you and who are I wouldn’t care if you were a fairy. All that matters to me is that you love me the way I deserve to be loved and you do. My parents have actually never talked about it with me, but if they didn’t like you my dad wouldn’t have trusted you to watch me. I just don’t want to hurt you. I am an alpha and sometimes things get to be a lot and I just do things without thinking. I don’t want to have to bandage you up after we have sex that’s just horrible and makes me feel like shit.”

[Zach]

“But don’t you ever wish that I could be like you? I don’t want to have to rely on you all the time. I know that there are going to be forces that are much more powerful than me and it’s scary to think that they could just snap me in half sometimes.” He responds while looking at the other.

[Hope]

“Zach...I...I mean yeah I’ve thought about it but there are two versions of me. The shifter and the siren. I could turn you into a shifter now but my body wouldn’t be able to handle carrying our child and my mom doesn’t approve of turning people into sirens. It’s all very complicated. Do you...do you wish you were like me?”

[Zach]

“In a way, I wish I was able to be more like you yeah. I mean..I can’t teach our son anything about how to use powers, how to shift...anything that your dad was able to help you learn about...I can’t do that because I don’t have those abilities. I think it might be easier if I were like you but I don’t know...it was just a thought.”

[Hope]

“Do you really want to be like me? Zach this is serious. I can...you can’t take that back and like I said I can’t turn you into a siren...I mean I can but I would be going against my mother. So you need to know if this is forreal or not.”

[Zach]

“Of course I would want to. I would do anything for you and our family. I mean, I already know a lot about the siren anatomy thanks to certain people and your dad told me a lot about it as well.”

[Hope]

Hope grabbed her clothes as she listened to Zach, “Are you not happy just being you with me? You say you would do anything for our family and me but no one is making you do this. I love who you are regardless if we are the same or not. So you aren’t doing this for me or for Emmett you want this because you just do. Why can’t you just be with me the way you are? Do I make you feel like you aren’t good enough?” She asked standing up and taking her clothes to the bathroom before locking herself in the bathroom.

[Zach]

“Look Hope if something were to happen and I were to get killed that means you would die to so how is that even looking out for our family if there wouldn’t be anyone to be able to take care of our son. So that was what I meant when I was thinking about them. Yeah ideally it would be nice to stay a human but even you were worried about your dad almost killing me the other day so.”

[Hope]

Hope got changed and just stayed silent as she heard Zach’s words before leaving the bathroom. “I’m not changing you Zach. I’m not. I’m sorry.” She said. “I’m going to take Emmett out to the garden. We don’t have to celebrate, I’m not in the mood anymore anyway.”

[Zach]

“You don’t have to it was just a thought.” Zach responds while letting out a sigh. “Are you sure? We both had something really cute planned for you. Emmett was really excited about it too.” He explains after he changed his clothes as well.

[Hope]

She watched him change as she thought about the conversation. “Can I play something for you? It’s the song I want to walk down the aisle to. Will you listen to it?” She asked.

[Zach]

Hearing her words, he nodded his head, “Of course you can and yes I would love to hear it.” He responds with a smile.

[Hope]

Hope moved to grab the guitar from under her bed and moved to sit on the bed. She tuned it before looking at Zach, “I truly don’t care if we are the same or not Zach. When I met you I didn’t think this is what would happen afterwards but destiny has a funny way of working out. You don’t have to be scared that because you aren’t like me that will change how I feel or how I see you. You can protect me way more than a shifter, a siren, or a stupid hybrid can. And you get me in a way no one does. Isn’t that all that matters?” She asked before playing the song.

[https://youtu.be/GR6L_C0Ii6s]

[Zach]

Hearing her words, Zach thought about it before listening to her sing the song. She had one of the prettiest voices that he had ever heard. Once she finished the song, Zach kissed her deeply. “I love you so much, I love that song, I think that it is perfect.”

[Hope]

She smiled against his lips at his reaction to it. “You are perfect.” She teased him playfully before kissing him again. “Now I say we wake up that cute little one and continue celebrating before I make you go take a shower with me.” She joked putting her guitar away.

[Zach]

“You are perfect baby girl and yes, let’s wake up our little sleepyhead.” He smiles before going over and seeing the little boy start to stir awake. Zach picked Emmett up before kissing his face. “Are you ready to show mommy her presents?” He asks as Emmett rubbed his eyes and nodded his head.

[Hope]

“Isn’t he just so cute when he wakes up? I could just eat him up he is so adorable.” She gushed taking the baby into her arms and giving him a soft kiss on his cheek.

[Zach] “He is so adorable when he is half asleep. He is so confused and cute.” He responds as Emmett starts to smile and gurgle happily when Hope took him into her arms.

[Hope]

Hope smiled happily as she watched Emmett. “It’s so crazy we are his parents. To know that something so innocent could come from us.” She joked playfully nudging Zach.

[Zach]

“That is very true, he is going to be such a heartbreaker some day. I can bet you that right now.” He smiles before kissing them both on the head. “Okay, now come on let’s go show mommy her presents.”

[Hope]

“Or maybe he’ll grow up to wait. Wait for someone special.” She shrugged before nodding. “Lead the way daddy.”

[Zach]

Zach led the way to the bedroom that was currently decorated with presents. “Here we are. I know there is a lot of them but I think that you will really enjoy them, most of them Emmett picked out or made himself.”

[Hope]

Hope’s mouth open in shock at all of the presents. “Oh my gosh...Zach you didn’t have to do this. This is way too much. I don’t deserve all this.” She said shaking her head as she looked at Zach. Even though the boy was saying Emmett helped she knew Zach did most of the buying and picking of the items and she was stunned he would do something like this for her. “Zach you really didn’t have to.” She repeated as her eyes turned pink.

[Zach]

“Of course I did, it is your birthday. I am not going to let you just not celebrate it.” Zach responds as Emmett starts to point to the presents and repeat, ‘mommy, mommy’. “See that is the right time to say that Emmett.” He laughs slightly as the boy let out a small gurgle before hiding against Hope’s neck.

[Hope]

The hybrid laughed along with Zach before putting Emmett down. “How about you pick one for mommy?” She suggested watching Emmett’s face light up and pick the closest present so he could unwrap it.

[Zach]

Zach watched as Emmett went over and tried to unwrap the first present. “He is so adorable we should be careful though so he doesn’t get a paper cut some of the presents can be rather heavy too. He knew all the right things to get.”

[Hope]

“He picked all this did he?” She asked looking at him before making him look at her. “I am so fucking in love with you. Thank you for all of this Zach. Seriously. After my siblings...I needed this.”

[Zach]

“Mhm he did. Of course, any time. I figured that you could use something to help cheer you up after everything that had happened.”

[Hope]

Hope smiled as she bent down to help Emmett unwrap the gift before looking over it and letting Emmett play with the paper.

[Zach]

“That is one of the presents that Emmett picked out. We both took a walk on the beach and he found it and wanted to give it to you.” He explains while Hope opened the present. Inside was a collection of different colored gems that Zach and Emmett had found on the beach and in the coves when Zach had taken the smaller exploring the other day.

[Hope]

She looked over all the gems and looked up at Zach. “They are beautiful, thank you.” She smiled before kissing Emmett on the cheek, “Thank you too Emmett.”

[Zach]

Zach watched as Emmett smiled as Hope kissed his cheek. “The box is a temporary holder for now. There is another thing to hold them wrapped up in one of the other boxes.” He explains while looking at the other.

[Hope]

“There are so many boxes how am I possibly going to open all of them?” She asked looking at him.

[Zach]

“Mhm you can open them over time or you can open them whenever you want. Most don’t have a time limit as to when you need to open them.”

[Hope]

“Okay so which ones should I open today then?” She asked. Placing the gems on the floor she closed it as she didn’t want Emmett to knock them over.

[Zach]

“How about these.” He picks up one of the cylinder wrapped containers and hands it to her along with another box. “These sort of go together.” Zach explains since one of the presents was flowers and the other was a vase.

[Hope]

Hope took the gifts and unwrapped them causing her to smile as she smelled all the flowers. “They smell amazing.” She said thinking about where she could put them. “Ah Emmett these would look beautiful in your room wouldn’t they?” She asked seeing the smaller nodding his head.

[Zach]

“Emmett helped to pick them out. He also tried to eat a few so I had to teach him that you don’t need to eat flower.” The male explains with a small laugh.

[Hope]

She laughed along with him as she shook her head, “I guess we will just put them on the highest shelf in your room so you can’t eat them.” She said poking his nose.

[Zach]

“That is a good idea.” He explains while looking at Emmett who was still happily playing with the wrapping paper.

[alethia000]

[COVERAGE] Brother of the Year cast talks about love at Singapore press conference

6th July 2018 by Zhen Zhen

The top-grossing Thai movie of the year, Brother of the Year is finally hitting the big screens here in Singapore from 12 July 2018!

This romance-comedy is not your usual Thai movie which goes into the genre of horror and love. It talks about the love-hate relationship between siblings, which is a bond that you cannot choose or stop, and there aren’t many movies which talk about this which makes it really special.

Just last Monday, the director Witthaya Thongyooyong and the cast Sunny Suwanmethanon, Urassaya Sperbund and Nichkhun Buck Horvejkul were in town to promote the movie.

This movie marks popular TV actress Yaya’s (Urassaya Sperbund) first silver screen debut and she plays Jane, a bossy sister, who meets the perfect boyfriend Moji (Nichkhun) but she also has an annoying older brother Chuy (Sunny), who seeks to ruin her life and happiness. Throughout the press conference, you can tell that the cast members have really great chemistry together and they could joke around with each other casually.

Here are some questions asked during the press conference.

Q: If you were to swop their characters, Sunny playing the Sweet boyfriend and Nichkhun playing the evil brother, do you think it will work out? Director: They should be able to swop the characters easily as they are great actors.

Q (To Yaya): How do you feel working with two very handsome guys? Yaya: It was a great experience working with them and they are really sweet.

Q: (Yaya) is a very bossy sister in the film, do you think she is bossy in real life? Nichkhun: I don’t think she is bossy; she is very nice and sweet. She is very perfect in everything she does. There was a scene where she had to speak Japanese and it took her less than a week to learn! She was able to memorise everything without the script and she was very professional.

Q: If you were given a choice in real life, who would you prefer as a boyfriend – the bad boy look (Sunny) or the sweet boyfriend (Nichkhun)? Yaya: I think the perfect thing would be to put both of them together. (Note: She did not want to choose between the two and chose the emcee instead)

Q: Would you want to swop the role and play the sweet boyfriend and Nichkhun be the evil brother? Sunny: I think the best guy (for the evil brother) has to be me. He (pointing to Nichkhun) is a nice guy.

Q (To Nichkhun): Do you want to try another role – an irritating and bad boy character? Nichkhun: This role is pretty interesting, Moji is such a nice guy, bright and playful. Bad boy would be a type of role I want to challenge myself as it looks like it will be fun; so maybe one day.

Q (To All): Do you believe that ‘Love conquers all’, including cultural differences and all? Yaya: I would like to believe that Love conquers all; but i guess it depends on the situation. For Jane, it makes sense because things were not rosy at home and Moji is just a perfect guy in every aspect and that concept works for her. For me, I’m a hopeless romantic so I think I would. It’s not so much about the place (or the distance), it’s more about the person you love.

Nichkhun: I don’t know, I think I’m more of a realist. I would look into the situation and I will try to make it work. I would like to believe that Love conquers all but yea.. (hesitantly); Sure why not? But’s not easy in real life especially when I’m in this (entertainment) industry. I can’t just say ‘Okay, Bye Bye, I’m going somewhere to get married.’ I have so many fans waiting for me, my bandmates (2PM) too. It’s not such an easy thing to think about as I have so much responsibilities in real life that I don’t know if I can think this way right now.

Sunny: I would go with the flow and follow my feelings.. So, whatever happens, it happens.

Q (To Yaya): Is learning Japanese language not easy? Yaya: I think it was probably one of the most difficult languages to learn. (Note: Yaya can speak five languages – English, Thai, Norwegian, French and Spanish) Japanese was really difficult as you need to answer the culture, tone up and down and there’s a lot of layers that I had to understand. It was really hard. 

Yaya then recited her Japanese line from the movie!

The press conference came to an end, but that was just the start of their Singapore schedule, as they had a public meet-and-greet session and the movie gala premiere afterwards, where they got to meet their fans to share about the movie.

Brother of the Year will be having sneak previews this weekend from 6 to 8 July and it will air officially in Singapore cinemas from 12 July.

P.S. Don’t forget to bring along some tissue/napkins with you!

For more photos of the press conference, do check out KAvenyou’s Facebook: Brother of the Year Singapore Press Conference

Article by: Jiayu @ KAvenyou Photography by: Zhen Zhen @ KAvenyou

Source: http://kavenyou.com

[jenbmyd]

This is a blog post series, be sure to read Part 1 & Part 2!

Remember that feeling every year, the night before the first day of school?  How there’s excitement of something new and sleeping is hard because you’re excited to see your friends and see what that new year will bring?  Take that feeling and multiply it by maybe 1000.  There were so many nerves and excitement going on that my maid of honor and one of my bridesmaids stayed in the room with me the night before and we were still awake at midnight so we had a countdown to the wedding day, just like New Years Eve.  Right after our mini celebration, we turned out the lights and I tried hard to get to sleep.  It felt like it took forever!  At that point I wasn’t even thinking about the actual wedding.  All I could dream about was my groom standing at the end of the aisle and getting to him.  I eventually did get to sleep. Dreaming all night of rain and rivers and water.  Ironic after what I woke to the next morning.

Just as the light started brightening my room, my eyes popped open and there was no way I was getting back to sleep.  I heard a drizzling of rain and got up to go look out the window.  I was staying in the bungalow on the farm, and right across the way from where I stood was our tree.  That tree that we fell in love with our first visit to the farm.  And all around it was rain and clouds.  Not a hard rain either.  Just that annoying drizzle of a rain that if it would just lighten a little you could go outside, but it’s too much when it’s happening.  We had to make the call for the wedding to be outside by the tree or inside the barn by 9 am.  We all looked at our phones on multiple radars only to see on each one, Hurricane Matthew’s first strand of storms easing further and further into North Carolina.  For a moment I got off to myself and just let it all out with a really good cry.  What else can you do?  The most important thing about that day was not that tree I loved so much.  But walking away as the wife of the man at the end of the aisle, that I love so dearly.  So I gathered myself together and faced the day head on.  

Between my parents getting us a sapling and our officiant being amazing and changing up our ceremony, we still incorporated the tree theme.  I worked all morning on setting up our decor in the barn and trying to rework everything now that it was all in one space rather than two separate places.  Then finally came the time where my maid of honor found me and said “Ok Megan, it’s time for you to shower and then get hair and makeup done”.  Those butterflies that sometimes overwhelm you, took over.  This was completely abnormal for me because I’m always the one doing hair.  But, once I sat down in the chair, it really started all sinking in.

Photo Courtesy of Emily Moore Boutique Photo Editing 

To all my past brides, I know now what was going through your mind.  And to all my future brides, know that those moments you are getting your hair and makeup done are the moments it truly starts feeling real.  All other parts of the day it’s like this fog.  “I’m getting married later today?” but you don’t fully feel it yet.  You sit down in that chair and suddenly it changes to “I’m getting married in a couple hours!!!”  The surreal feeling that everything you’ve spent the past year on, is about to all happen hits and the amount of emotions going on in your mind is huge.  For me, I became really quiet and everything was all in my head.  It was more calming that way, especially since the day wasn’t going according to plan.  It helped to tune out everything and get into the realization that everything I had done for the past year was about to happen.  

Photo Courtesy of Emily Moore Boutique Photo Editing

We chose not to have a first look.  Every couple is different and for some a first look is so special.  For us, we wanted to savor every moment of walking down the aisle and him seeing me the first time that day at that time.  My favorite part of a wedding has always been the groom’s reaction.  You can tell everything about the relationship when you look at how sweet he looks staring at his bride.  But wow, did my groom have a special reaction.  We all know our guys and if they are more aps to showing their emotions or holding them in and savoring them for alone time.  My groom cried the entire ceremony!  And it was the sweetest thing that I had ever experienced.

  Photos Courtesy of Emily Moore Boutique Photo Editing

It made all those emotions I felt all day just melt away and the joy of being there with him in a barn with a hurricane blowing through was everything.  We had so many people not show up.  There was maybe fifty people max.  But after all the things that didn’t go the way we envisioned it, we couldn’t get upset at the fact we didn’t have many guests. Once everything was over, we got in his car and drove away in a state of sheer bliss realizing we were officially husband and wife.  It’s this euphoric feeling that you spent so much time planning such a huge life event and the purpose of the event is finally official and life has completely changed.  My best advice for the day of your wedding?  Savor every precious moment and don’t feel like everything has to go EXACTLY as is was planned.  Sometimes things happen that make it look like it may not be for the best, but it turns out to be the very best thing you could have hoped for!

I will be back next week to talk all about how life is after being married!

Officiant: Perry Hardison// Venue: Summerfield Farms

XoXo Megan **Megan S is an MYD Beauty Resident Stylist in our Raleigh, NC studio. She is available for hair cuts, hair color, hair extensions, hair styling lessons, as well as waxing by appointment. To schedule a session with Megan S (or any of our MYD Beauty Team experts) please contact us HERE and leave a note requesting her in your comments! Megan S, as is all our MYD Beauty Team, is available for travel to destinations outside our Raleigh, NC studio for special events and weddings worldwide.**

My Wedding Experience: The Wedding! This is a blog post series, be sure to read Part 1 & Part 2!

[ozsaill]

Poised for the Bahamas

“I hear you’re putting Totem on the hard.” “Will you go out again?” In fact, we have no plans to park Totem for an extended stay on land (or in the water), and have never considered remaining in the US. But given the dearth of information in this space about what 2017 holds I can understand the speculation. We are on the cusp of departure and thrilled to be heading out for more adventures afloat.

Cascading events prolonged our departure, but the boat’s been humming, and legged out timing has shaped our direction. Routing clarity comes slowly after many shuffles on how we’ll fill the gaps between now (in Fort Lauderdale, Florida) and a year from now  (Pacific Ocean, via Panama Canal). It still has a lot of squiggles and question marks, but the bigger picture should stick.

For many months, that year-long view was literally nothing more than get out of the US and back to the islands, spend a couple of months in Cuba, and explore Panama’s Guna Yala. (Remember that Plan is a four-letter word for cruisers! Corollary: Thar Be No Schedules)

Bahamas Baby

We’d written the Bahamas off, but they’re now solidly ON, and their late arrival means I’m scrambling for information. Friday I got our Waterway Guide’s Bahamas, Turks & Caicos book. IT’S GORGEOUS. The last years of Western Pacific / Indian Ocean / Southern Atlantic sailing had poor guides, if any, and it put me off. What did exist covered too wide an area to be useful, so I stuck to travel guides instead and started thinking cruising guides weren’t important. You know what? They’re incredibly useful, I’d just been too long without an example of what a good guide offers. So with 2017 Bahamas edition in hand, instead of helping Jamie and the girls scrub the hull that morning, I did this:

I did also buy a traveler’s guidebook for the Bahamas. I’m probably going to leave it behind, because the Waterway book is better, and has everything I need: the travel guide insights (cultural orientation,  things to bring, cool places to visit) AND annually updated cruising data (what to bring and where to provision, details for moorings and choice anchorages, the latest marina info– even updates on impacts from last fall’s hurricane, and recommendations for things islanders might need that we can ferry over).

That schedule thing

Although schedules are the bane of cruising, I’ve happily added a fixed Must Be There date by signing on to present at the US Boat Show in Annapolis in April. Pam Wall and I will lead a 2-day Cruising Women seminar, and I’m giving a few additional presentations as part of the show’s Cruisers University. I’m very excited about this, especially the Cruising Women program. Jamie seems to have been born with saltwater in his veins; before we went cruising, it was important to me to seek information and skills. Women-only courses provided the shared perspective and camaraderie that best supported my goals.  If you sign up, tell me! I’d love to anticipate meetups.

Places and people

It feels very good to be poised for Bahamas takeoff in Fort Lauderdale, but first we had to get south from Jacksonville to Miami for my friend Lynne Rey’s birthday. Schedules again? Maybe, but no way would I miss this since we could be there! Along the way, there wasn’t  a lot of wind, but some beautiful sunny days and mellow seas that meant Niall could combine studying with watchkeeping in the cockpit.

Along the way we spent a couple of evenings hanging out with Kirk McGeorge. He’s done a couple of circumnavigations on a sistership, Gallivanter, and now does some crazy cool work building underwater submersibles with an outfit in Fort Pierce (he was a Navy diver, and drove Alvin- THE Alvin- on Titanic, way back when). The last time we saw Kirk was Australia, nearly five years ago! Cruising friendships like his are GOLD – you pick up right where you left off, despite intervening years.

In Miami, Lynne, her husband Tony (we sailed together in college) and their kids hosted us at the Coral Reef Yacht Club. This made fun birthday celebrations, late nights in the cockpit, kids learning and playing together, and a lot of good times very easy.

It also made it much easier for a visit from Kerry (the impressive endurance athlete / sailor / quadriplegic I sailed with last month). She gave our family and the Reys a preview of a powerful documentary she’s a part of that I hope will be ready to share publicly soon. Some tissues required after viewing before we could pose for a pic together, our thumbs in the air for Kerry’s nonprofit, ThumbsUp International. ThumbsUp connects people of all abilities to tackle athletic challenges, in particular by teaming able and disabled athletes.

Please check out the Facebook page for ThumbsUp International and give it a like to show your support! Kerry would really like to nudge it over the 2,000 like hurdle: can we do it?! Follow and share!

More friends visited: we first knew Tiffany and Greg as “the Coast Guard Couple” when we met them in Mexico eight (!) years ago; we last caught up in Australia. They’ve traveled a loop around the world since then, by sea across the Pacific and by land from SE Asia to the UK. Both are Coast Guard Academy graduates, both are hard core professional seafarers, and they had great advice on college and maritime licensing for Niall. Just the folks to help toss the lines when it was time to head to the anchorage, right?

Projects projects projects

And then, there was maintenance and repair. Lots of it. Because that’s one definition of the cruising life.

To give you an inkling of that everyday fun on Totem, and a peek into what’s kept Jamie busy here in Florida:

Outboard: FINALLY FIXED. It’s been sick for five months. Diagnosis by mechanic in Jacksonville: failed CDI unit, but we replaced that and still no spark. Option two: bad coil. Ding ding ding ding! Wires from the coil had both broken…photo above. They were crimped by a strain relief device, but the break was hidden inside of a plastic sleeve. Great 11th hour help from our new friend Conor, who borrowed a flywheel puller from a Miami auto shop to get it done.

Sundowners on Totem later, time to talk story with Conor (former cruising kid, now physicist) and his dad

Aft cabin: I went to a road trip to Miami with my friend Patty, and Jamie broke the aft cabin. He’s since rebuilt my workspace, relocated the solar and wind charge controllers to a newly-constructed locker, and cleaned up a bunch of wiring spaghetti. Few words for a LOT of work.

Dodger: As a sailmaker, Jamie knows his way around a sewing machine. But canvas work is “fiddly” (his description) and he hoped to outsource Totem’s new dodger sides. But after weeks of no joy or no action from service providers in northern Florida, he took our friends on Shanthi up on the offer to borrow their SailRite and made it himself. Templating with Tyvek from the hardware store, then constructing the final from Sunbrella, Strataglass, and Tenara thread…on the dock, until it rained, with child labor…as you do. It IS fiddly, but he does great work, and saving the expense is a great bonus.

Before he could get to the canvas, the whole hard top was shifted forward: this meant changing the frame (it’s more vertical on the forward face now) and building new supports.

Deck hardware: fully reinstalled the repaired stanchion base that broke on our unpleasant passage from Bermuda to Connecticut.

Engine: Fixed pesky drip from fuel filters after troubleshooting. Replaced barbs with correct size, replaced 3-way valve fitting, and O-rings. Hopefully this saves the $250 racor replacement kit!

Electrical: We use a rugged Panasonic Toughbook for our nav computer. Both plug connections for the nine-year-old 12v charger had failed; solder now leads directly to the board. All good.

Plumbing: Replaced failing cockpit drain hoses (shared with galley sink drain: presumed grease buildup). Fixed flaw in primary water tank that prevents proper venting with a few holes (and finally found out the actual capacity, two years later- 73 gallons!). Discovered (and replaced) leaking outlet fitting in tank. Aft head required an unclogging adventure, then replacing seals and hose and other work that I’d rather not know too much about. Thanks to my sweetie for being The One That Deals with the Head on board.

…and that’s just what he did on Totem! On friend’s boats, Jamie helped install a solar panel, did a few (three? four? five? I lost track) rig evaluations, and helped get one tuned properly.

I married well.

Much more than fixing stuff

One of the more significant preoccupations outside of prepping Totem is working with coaching clients. We thoroughly enjoy helping people make the leap to successful cruising! More recently, the kids have gotten into a few of our Skype sessions, too: prospective cruising kids want to hear the real scoop directly from them. Sitting around the iPad, this is a pretty typical scene.

We closed our our Miami stay by anchoring in Marine Stadium, a sweet little spot with near 360° protection and a killer view of the downtown Miami. Backlit by twinkling lights from the skyline at night, we could detect dolphins circling Totem only by loud huffs of their breath. An idyllic spot to raft up and make some great memories with the pretty Huckins, Cortado (which is for sale, by the way), and her crew.

Totem is now in Fort Lauderdale, on our final countdown to departure for the Bahamas. We don’t know when we’ll be back in the USA, but it’s probably some years. I’ve got an insane list, and it includes major items like, oh, battery bank replacement. Full watermaker servicing. Diesel mechanic services. Provisioning for 3 months in islands with limited stores, and high costs. Supplies for Bahamian communities still impacted by hurricane Mathew last fall. Then there are the incidentals “but we won’t be in the USA for how long?” that inflate our list. Here in the mainland, we have access to better breadth of goods, at a better quality, and a better value, than we will likely encounter for a long time.

It’s been blowing for days, but Totem is in a protected anchorage. There is access to supplies. Anchorage neighbors stopping by to chat from their kayaks. Visits from shoreside dwellers, arriving with friendship, the gift of papaya, and lessons in art (thank you, Jim!).

Life is beautiful. I’m grateful every day for the choices we have and our freedom as a family, and can’t wait to extend our adventures…starting soon in the Bahamas!

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