#like truly i had nothing against b/t as a ship at first but these shippers are making my brain shut down

[gayedmundo]

i'm sorry but if you have the audacity to say you just started watching 9-1-1 because you saw buck and tommy got together and then tell buddie shippers that we're delusional and are just seeing things and insist upon eddie's heterosexuality then i will not be kind to you.

[kikiscastleinthesky]

THE SOKKASM ZUTARA

I’ve seen a lot of tumblr blogs that ship zutara and I decided that is time for me to open mine too. So, yes, I’m a zutara shipper. And for the time being, my posts are going to be dedicated principally to analyze the ships in ATLA. 

Disclaimer alert:  I’m not forcing anyone to ship zutara. And I won’t accept hate because I (and many others) may have a different opinion, If you are one of those persons I invite you to leave, don’t waste my time and yours, because I’m not even going to reply. Everyone has the right to ship whatever they like and want, without been mocked, harrassed and humiliated. 

Well... now that everything is settled: 3...2...1 go!

I’m starting with this small analysis, because every zutara shipper has been attacked on why zutara and zutara is horrible yada yada but, this ocassion I’m gonna use all the attacks we get and defend it. 

I. Zutara is way the worst toxic relationship:

You call Zuko the abuser, the toxic and the bad tempered? Then you     didn’t get a clue of his redemption arc.

You call zutara toxic for:

a)     giving your mother’s closure and final acceptance into the group?

b)     saving each other’s life?

c)     being the “leading co-parenting” of the group?

d)     support you when you’re about to beg for his uncle forgiveness?

II. The cave scene didn’t mean anything, and just think about it, they would never ever get along well:•      

  Of course, I misunderstood Zuko confessing his own grief, probably he just hates her.

When Katara opens to her mother sorrow like she never did with anyone was like no big deal.

 That part when she offers to heal his scar with SACRED water was totally illogical.

And being the first person who he let touch his scar really said to me that they were absolutely toxic.

 Yes, he betrayed her initial trust. And it hurt, but guess who betrayed worst? The man who for three years was his father. But nope, Iroh, should never forgive Zuko, for what he did. (Right? Katara was betrayed and she should bever have interest in him, so Iroh would never forgive his abuser, right?)

III. Zutara is about getting in love with your abuser:

The abuser love? When did Zuko abused Katara? When did he forced to do something she didn’t want? Did he ever physically abused her or sexually assaulted her? Even if he tied her to a tree, he never humiliated her, he never hurt her or overpass against her. Or are you trying to make up his whole plot to eliminate all his attacks towards team avatar only rest in the female character? (Have you forgot how he betrayed his uncle? Or even himself?)

IV. Zutara is an age gap, it would be underage thing. “You don’t like Aang because he is a child and still pair Zuko, being a minor.” You want to hypersexualize two kids (Aang and Katara) into having sexual interest.

Katara would have been dating an underage guy too. She would have been 18 and Aang 16. I know! Age gap only matter when the man’s older. Both Katara and Zuko had gone through puberty, and both were in adolescence, both shared the same maturity level. Yes dude, there a huge difference in being a CHILD and being a TEENAGER, yes, still minor, But with puberty hit already.

Actually, I still believe even being 11-12 you can get like a… spark… a hint. Even if its not a relationship whatsoever, and not having sexual interest of any kind. If you really want to see what closest we get to a “real” attraction and potential between kiddos that age, you get S1Mike and Eleven (stranger things) / you get Chihiro and Haku (Spirited away) / you get Pazu and Sheeta. (The castle in the sky) –Wooo, that really changes things right?

But yet there are people that believe shipping zutara is “pedophile” I thought in seriously not replying to this stupidities but, here I am, dismantling their theories.

So, this is real life. An adult person trying to sleep with a prepubescent kid. So… there is no support on this. Because a ship is about two fictional characters in a fictional story.

What about fictional pedophilia? Well, we can change that: Fictional pedophilia is a psychosexual disorder when you ship an adult fictional character (+18) to have a sexual interest in a fictional prepubescent child (-12) and / or attempt to engage both characters in sexual acts.

So step one… are either Zuko or Katara either an adult or prepubescent child? As you can see in the image at the right, both have gone through puberty. Step two, are you trying to a couple of minors to get sexually involved? No, this is a love story, not porn. And before you yell at me for the porn zutara comics/fics on the web, I guess you should see the porn Kataang /fics comics on the web too.

But I don’t hate any ship. So, technically, neither Kataang, nor Sukka, nor Yukka, nor Jetara, nor Maiko is pedophilia.

Ok, yeah yeah its not pedo, but is statutory rape, so yet it’s illegal.

Oh yes, if we state that 18 is the age where you are considered an adult (at least in my country) both are minors, your term is partially correct. But guess what would be statutory rape too?

Sukka (15) and Maiko (16-17), both implied to have sex relationships and canon during the series.

The episode "The Southern Raiders" became (in)famous among the fandom for what is a truly epic instance of this trope. Zuko bumps into a very flustered Suki on the way to Sokka's tent, and she hurriedly excuses herself. He walks into Sokka's tent to ask him a question and finds him pants-less and surrounded by flowers and candles. He even greets Zuko with a suggestive "Well helloooo..." before he realizes who itis. After a short talk, he rushes Zuko out and sticks his head out to call for Suki. And if there was any doubt, Sokka is shown the next morning fiddling with a flower necklace for no apparent reason... except to indicate that maybe Suki had been “deflowered”.

And yet, if Kataang had sex, it would be statutory sex at some point too: 16 and 18 -Conclusions: Statutory sex takes all ships equally.

V. Poor Aang he would be devastated.

Kid, he’s 12, in the comics he’s 13-14. Or what? Haven’t you guys had a broken heart ever? Your high school sweetie? Or Aang’s so frail to not be able to find love? To close himself for a better opportunity? Seeking your own happiness in not selfish. What is selfish is seeking your own happiness at the other expenses.

And even that, we all know what would Aang do if Katara starts a relationship with Zuko. (Even if it wasn’t Zuko, I highly doubt he would like Katara dating someone else) He would go on avatar rampage. That is NOT healthy, that is NOT romantic. That is extremely possessive and selfish to do. It’s psychotic. Because Aang cares more about himself than Katara’s feelings, even if she would be happier without him.

VI. Zutara is all about sex interest.

Well once more you mistake chemistry with sexual needs. Wanting me to sleep with my husband means I only use him for sex relief? If I find myself sexually attracted to anyone probably means I just want to sleep with that person and nothing else.

VII. A hug is all zutarians have to acknowledge zutara:

We have a complete extended analysis in all the small details, but we like to use that forgiveness hug because in that hug you have more potential that all the kataang scenes all together. We have thousands of complete analyses, pages dedicated exclusively zutara. 

VIII. Katara “fell in love with Aang” and it’s not one sided.

Uh... Nope, just because two persons are good friends it doesn’t mean they are a good couple. Yes, the way the both of them interact is absolutely beautiful, But not romantically.

Do we see Katara’s view on romantically being drawn towards Aang? Yes, we see it, and yes, unfortunately, is one sided.

How Kataangers complete this:

·       The fortune-teller: I didn’t see like “Wow omg the avatar is going to be my future husband!” But… was like “uh… really?… well, I guess it’s him” Zutarians and Aunt Wu are the base for many backs up theories. ;) Aang is not the only powerful bender you know? And actually, that episode is way trying too hard to demonstrate the crush Meng has for Aang and Aang has to Katara. How is even healthy to accept that sometimes persons don’t like you back and it’s not the end of the world.

·       The cave scene: I forgot that Katara is telling him to be her boyfriend and they will live happily ever after. And really, it all gets us to a real Oma and Shu theory. Not to mention that they were “forced” to kiss because their kids innocence believed if they kissed, they wouldn’t die, and that Aang messed up things as well. But if you see it beneath, if she was truly interested, she would have told Aang: “wow omg we kissed, ok. let’s give him a clue…” nothing, she goes back in treating him same as always.

·       The headband dance: Well that’s a fair point yes. Actually, I felt something different…unfortunately Katara later had to tell him not to kiss her.

IX. Zutara is because you projected on Katara and had a crush on Zuko, because Katara and Zuko were your favourite characters and because is the bad boy style romance.

My crush was Jet <3, and zutara was the most logical endgame for girls. Ask any girl, ANY 14 yo who would like to date: A high school, nice and handsome guy or a 7th grader that had potential to be her best friend. (See the logic) 

And nope is not like “Insert fav characters of the opposite sex to ship them” You need to see real development.

I don’t know why they stereotype Zuko as the “bad boy” – relationship archetype. Zuko is never seen to be the classic fuck boy who treats girls like shit and suddenly there comes a lady to change him. Maybe he is a “bad boy” (confused though) in S1 and S2, but his redemption arc is literally the answer of why he is not “bad boy” anymore.

If Katara was truly and really romantically interested then she wouldn’t have friendzoned Aang. Once? Nope 4 times. And also… are we forgetting kind of imagery…

Friendzoned  

 When Aang fixes her a small necklace with the fishing  thread.

 When he kissed her at the invasion. She didn’t  reciprocate it. (I’m not even mentioning the mommy proud speech)

 When he wanted to talk about the kiss in the western  air temple (Comic love is a battlefield)

 When he kissed her at the play and she had to told  him to back off.

 Strange imagery

 She was June Pippinpaddleopsokopolis (Aang’s  granddaughter)

When Aang got shot, she held his body in her arms in  the exact way Mary held Jesus in Pieta’s sculpture.

 She was Sapphire Fire. (Aang’s pregnant mother)

After they got married, in the book legacy, she said  she enjoyed most seeing Aang becoming a man. (Honestly ladies if I got a BF  the least I want is seeing how the kid transforms into a man)

I’m looking forward to watch you grow into manhood  as I did to your father (Katara’s letter to Tenzin)

 I’m really  trying to deny Oedipus complex here.

Still hard for me to track Katara’s love interest for little Aang since all we see is more a relationship mom/sister or Harry/Hermione. I have heard rumours that Bryke wanted to give the ship “mystery” and “expectation” but I think they really messed up, I didn’t see expectation or mystery, I saw a child insisting to a girl that didn’t reciprocate. It wasn’t even like she didn’t have much of a chance, because her love interests:

Was killed by Long Feng

Gave him a hideous mustache and disappeared him after Azula’s attack in the western air temple.

Forced to be attached to a toxic relationship.

Apart that all those points I’ve mentioned, Kataang is not a relationship for me. Staying in a formal relationship with the first person they met of the opposite sex at 14 -12 (guys not even Disney does that, jeez not even studio Ghibli) and not having any chance to experience any other relationship. Never experiencing a broken heart, or someone better. I think that it gives the wrong idea, telling guys that no matter how long they are placed in friendzone, eventually the girl will fall for them. They just have to keep insisting.

You could say, but what a hypocrite! Snow White was 14 years old when she went to live with that prince! Many princesses are 16! And not to mention that many men were the first they met! Like Aurora, Rapunzel, and Cinderella. Well, you are right at one point. But ... the interaction of these characters changes radically, mainly because they never "give cute kisses" to their future husbands, nor do they treat them like their brothers or their children and ... the men were never friendzoned, except for Naveen at the beginning. You see the real attraction of teenage girls with an older boy. And I'm not saying that they should never be friends or support each other. Mulan and Chang were allies, friends, they supported each other, they saved their lives. But at no time was there the kind of interaction Katara and Aang had.

If Kataang was to be endgame, we would see Katara’s reaction to Jet, totally different, THAT kind of reaction was what I was waiting. (That kind of reaction is what every princess do, at least one time)

The same chemistry we saw in Yukka / Sukka. Honestly, I saw more chemistry between Haru and Katara.

Or at least give us some character development like: Aang, I know my feelings where not as you wanted but now I decided I want to be with you because (list everything here except he being the avatar), I really like you, perhaps we can give it a shot. Or like several things that could clue us that she is interested (come on people, two persons can kiss/hug/ have sex and that doesn’t imply they will be together in a formal relationship) But all we got was: Oh, right, he’s the avatar... suddenly I fell for him and I’m gonna kiss him fully in the mouth and that’s how I’ll tell him and that all my confusion has magically disappeared.

X. I’ve never saw that kind of spark between them. Again, it was “Just a hug”

Yes! That’s initially the whole point of it, a friendship hug, the truth of why we don’t need silly blushes. Because that forgiveness hug shows their initial relationship, they are friends! All their love needs to come first from a truthful friendship, by the contrary of calling the “immediate falling” like Aang did for Katara, it shows us that friendship love can evolve into something more beautiful, and that’s why we like the ship, because all zutara shippers know Zuko and Katara wouldn’t fall in love like that all of the sudden, they have to create the romantic relationship, and that’s what we portray in the fics.

What makes Zutara exceptional is that he, sees her, he hears her, he listens what she had to do, at anytime he forced her to do something she didn’t. And before a “teenager adolescence ship” he sees her as a human, with feelings with own ideals and goals.

And there is a complete and extremely well based analysis in: The crossroads of destiny + The southern raiders + The lighting saving.

XI. The comics show us how toxic they really where.

Their interaction in the comics was something I like to call: destroying a character. Not only Katara, who turned to be that awesome badass to the submissive girlfriend. From how I see it in the series to the comics there’s all I have to say: That’s not my girl.

XII. How Katara could be queen of a country that almost aniquilates her tribe and killed her mother? It would be a betrayal.

I think this argument is out. Not valid. Is like saying a Jew can’t date a German because of the holocaust. (German doesn’t mean nazi, just as Zuko, who was from the Fire Nation and didn’t order Katara’s mother assassination, and not every citizen of the fire nation means a ruthless killer). Is like saying that a Japanese can’t date a us citizen because of the bombs in WW2. And even if we see it “political”, is like… an aphrodescendant can’t rule a country that is racist, then Mr. Obama would have never reached the presidency.

Two persons can unify them, because they can demonstrate that being from different country that initally has not good terms can reach peace. The union between those countries represents the power of maturity, of overcoming adversities and the power of forgiveness. *Our lands now connected by love* And I want her to be queen, I want her to rule, I want her in charge, I want her in power. Imagine all the potential she could have (politics, business, negotiations, rebuilding, restoration, education, public health!! ***faints***) Not only for the fire Nation but for the whole world! Imagine that once Zuko abdicated they left to the south pole and she opened a fighting school and a healing school of her own (like master Pakku, but now her students are given a medical license that acknowledges them as professional healers) And this is just an idea. Like these ideas are hundreds. It would have been the perfect feminist role model!

XIII. Since the beginning, Katara was always interested in Aang and she always supported him and was for him when he needed her. That’s proof they were meant to each other.

If a girl expresses faith in your abilities, she loves you, she hugs you, and she supports you clearly she’s completely into you. Because obviously female best friends don’t exist.

[land-of-brains-and-chocolate]

god it WILL NOT stop bothering me until i talk about it. the way we got here. it’s not just about the book anymore, not at all, and it’s certainly never been about “shipping”, at this point it’s how helpless the tactics of the guy make me feel.

step one: refer to people who have read previous venom books and noticed the trend throughout the nineties to portray eddie and the symbiote as a man and an agender alien in an ambiguously or not-so-ambiguously romantic relationship, which was picked up on and completely unambiguously canonised in the very last run, consistently refer to these people as “shippers”, lovingly condescend to them, do not ever treat “the ship” as existing beyond their imagination

[I LOVE THAT YOU GUYS EXIST]

result: make people forget that this is a complete misrepresentation and he has received no criticism whatsoever for “not making a ship canon” because that is not what he did, he decanonised it and then denied doing so and painted everyone it ever meant something to as essentially deluded - and, considering that that’s all they are, he’s being awfully kind and accommodating, isn’t he?

evaluation: a reason to harass him? no! really kind of manipulative? yes!

step two: actively seek out these no-good shippers on tumblr! tell them that you’re watching them! read their detailed posts in which they express their grievances about your comic book to their friends and misrepresent their points on your twitter so your bajillion followers can affirm that Those People are categorically wrong about everything!

[EDDIE IS CODEPENDENT]

people are mad at him because he said eddie was codependent! not because he’s reframing the extremely rare story of a troubled queer relationship that was ultimately still a redemptive force in these characters’ lives as an unhealthy compulsion that corrupts, hm, what a fresh and unfamiliar take, no reason why this would strike a nerve - and, recently, of course, as something inherently abusive, every bit of hope and change for the better vile and fake.

literally just start vaguing about people’s personal tumblr blogs on your professional twitter account with the little, little blue checkmark and everything, use that to make passive-aggressive references to people’s posts! why not!

[LOVE EACH OTHER]

people talk about how they like a symbiote and its host getting along (and they did, that very night, talk quite a lot about ngozi)? that is so dumb and lame.

[EVERYTHING IS AWESOME]

people get sick of edgy shock factor writing that throws one dark theme after another at them without treating any of them with the consideration they deserve? people expect some moments of levity in a venom book?

they’re asking for stories with no conflict where nothing bad ever happens! but it’s okay, he knows better, he knows you just don’t know what you want! it’s not like endless sadness is just as likely to be dreadfully boring or unintentionally hilarious as endless happiness!

result: o w n e d god he sure is shutting down every point no one has ever made

evaluation: a reason to harass him? no! really kind of manipulative? yes!

step three: literally get so mad at people on tumblr talking about your comic that you not only boil their opinions down to THE SHIIIIP but literally say that their opinions don’t matter because they literally would never say it “to your face” literally because it’s “easy to be brave on tumblr”

literally

say these words

[IT’S EASY TO BE BRAVE ON TUMBLR]

call people chicken shits for NOT talking to you directly! and then! BLOCK everybody who talks to you directly! or quote retweet them so your followers can descend like vultures! actually acknowledge that it takes bravery to interact with you if you’re in the Tumblr Demographic, you know, one of Those People, and frame yourself as in the right for it???

am i losing my mind???

[SIX PEOPLE ON TUMBLR]

get so mad at people on tumblr talking about your comic that you not only claim they’re the only people ever to talk badly of it but imply that you’re one step away from namedropping the specific perpetrators. that’s not ominous at all!

it’s an age-old question: how many times does one of marvel’s top writers with legions of fans have to imply his antagonistic awareness of your specific existence before you’re on a first name basis? and also paranoid?

result: stir shit. be a shit stirrer. faint when your shit stirring does in fact stir shit. you can’t go “you would never” and be surprised when people do, you... can’t...

evaluation: a reason to harass him? no! really kind of manipulative? yes!

step four: whip out your ally card... to whip the people you’re supposed to be allied to with it. try to use your knowledge of queer issues to shut down actual queer people.

[I DON’T THINK IT’S APPROPRIATE TO ASSUME GENDER]

either that, or straight-up make a “did you just assume my gender” joke. i can’t find the original tweet anymore, so it’s possible it was that and he deleted it because it was too blatant, lol.

result: MAYBE YOU GUYS WERE THE PROBLEMATIC ONES ALL ALONG

evaluation: a reason to harass him? no! really kind of manipulative? yes!

step five: remember that interview where he outright stated that he just wants to, just to be the definite venom run? just to put the biggest dent in canon he can? just to break everybody’s toys and emerge victorious as the one person with the valid take on venom?

yeah, those things become more noticeable in the actual book, over time, and acceptance of that is, uh, not universal? not everybody’s up for him spending several issues in a row on e s t a b l i s h i n g  d o m i n a n c e by having eddie sit around as other characters tell him that a ton of stuff other writers from michelinie to thompson to costa to kaminski to slott to jenkins have done actually sucked and was wrong and fake and never happened? through retcons that make no sense, like, factually don’t fit?

people don’t like you walking back character and relationship development to further your end goal of recasting the symbiote as the personification of addiction and abuse instead of itself a survivor of extreme abuse who has been constantly denied personhood in a way that is frighteningly resonant and who has been going through a genuine redemption arc for years now?

people don’t like you acting like eddie never had a reason for being who he is before and you had to make one up? one that doesn’t fit the character at all, which you didn’t realise because you apparently thought the character had no characterisation before you came along?

you can imagine how these things might spark nerd rage?

and you can probably imagine who this nerd rage was blamed on, yeah?

these criticisms inherently require knowledge of venom canon, because they’re largely about disrespect for it, these criticisms are not related to shipping of any kind - but of course the only thing people could possibly be mad about is the "ship", the only ones making a fuss are those “shippers”, those casuals, Those People who only care about One Thing and don’t understand the real gritty reality of the, god you get it i’m making fun

[I KNOW WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT]

you’re the only one, don. it’s true.

and i know, i know for a fact, that he’s been aware of criticism from other groups all along, that he was, for example, witness to this livestream that spends like a solid hour a month mercilessly dragging him through the dirt, and you know what the extent of his response was?

thanks for checking the book out.

that’s it. that’s all. this guy hasn’t gotten any less loud about criticising him, either. wishing for his book’s cancellation and retconning. but nothing more. he gets to keep to himself. he is #valid.

people have been taking the piss out of him on youtube, on reddit. only tumblr ever earned his ire. only tumblr gets namedropped at convention panels.

and now, now more than ever? you better believe your regular run-of-the-mill nerds, straight, male, utterly uninterested in the icky stuff, everything, are mad. almost everyone who’s truly tits deep in venom lore is mad.

and so he’s said he’s received threats. and i’m sure he has. i’ve received threats. you’ve received threats. it’s never okay. it sure as shit never helps to send them.

he’s gotten a lot of fucking inappropriate personal vitriol! lots of it actually “ship”-related! i’m categorically against contacting the guy for any reason!

but who is to blame? who do people accept as being to blame? who do news outlets report on as being to blame? when, i presume, not every single one of them actually went “i’m doing this specifically because i’m a (thunder clap) shipper”? when large-scale retcons are literally always met with nerd rage? when a shipper-less fandom probably still would’ve had threats?

[THIS IS INSANE]

[IT’S THE SHIPPERS]

result: if all criticism = “shippers”, and “shippers” = harassment, then everyone who has no actual idea of what’s going on but who doesn’t like “shippers” is automatically on his side and nobody who isn’t a “shipper” wants to risk the association by criticising him.

get this stuff out to his followers, to news outlets, to people completely uninvolved and contextless, and watch the bile run over everywhere because lots of people are ready to accept this narrative in comic book spaces.

have people in the replies and comments eagerly discussing how this is more proof that c+o+m+i+c+s+gate was right and they’re the only reasonable ones. how disgusting and crazy "shippers” are. how donny should keep doing his best to trigger the gays. there’s no pushback against these ideas.

and i’m so fucking stuck between wanting to defend the man, wring my hands and apologise on behalf of the other These People, because i don’t see anything justifiable in their actions, and in being... just... just so frustrated... with everything... with throwing everyone out to the dogs... and claiming that he doesn’t mean to... when he has this whole history of belittling "shippers” specifically... of making sure their public image is that of people who just don’t know what they’re talking about and are in no way worth empathising with... of only drawing attention to the aggressive ones and blocking the reasonable ones

when he literally only stands to benefit from doing all this. 

this is massive amounts of free positive pr.

this makes him essentially immune to criticism of any kind.

evaluation: a reason to harass him? no! really kind of manipulative? yes! 

i forgot! somewhere along the line, he did do something very good and disavowed association with co/mics/ga/te!

[C0M1C5G8]

why the fuck am i censoring? tumblr search stopped working decades ago.

anyway, it should come as no particular surprise why these people assumed he would side with them. not that any high profile writer who values his standing would, really. are there any? maybe there are, i’m not up to date on this drama.

i just think it’s funny - genuinely not his fault, but hilarious - that this was apparently enough to inspire a “boycott”? and it was a fart in the wind?

which is the least surprising thing ever because there is actually nothing whatsoever to hold these people’s ire to be found in venom? excluding aliens, there has been one real and present character who isn’t a white guy in 11 issues? it is actively less queer than it was before? donny has never caved to the essjaywoo pressure in any way, shape or form? what were they... thinking? it’s almost like these people are dumb?

all they've done is ensure that, without it actually doing anything, venom gets the commendation for being A Comic The Gators Don't Like?

anyway.

what do we do moving forward? i don’t know. nothing. not harassing anyone. keep being salty on tumblr. do not engage him. i think i’m more about stalling the chain reaction he’s caused than the man himself. if you’re not a “shipper”, of course, keep posting your criticism, maybe stand up for “shippers” who are being dogpiled over genuine criticism, don’t let people say This Is All Proof Of How You Can’t Have Queer Content Because Queers Are Crazy.

and be nice to mike costa.

[pixelgrotto]

The horrific Resident Evil playthrough, part ten

Resident Evil 6 is the big one that I was anticipating when I started this series playthrough in March. It’s the one that seems to have split the fanbase like no other, the one that some folks love and others abhor, and the one that took Resident Evil so far into the realm of explosions on top of zombies on top of exploding zombies that the franchise had no choice but to dial the entire thing back in Resident Evil 7 in order to give everyone’s minds a break before those exploded too. There is, in fact, a particular sort of enemy in this game that represents it well - called the Whopper, it’s a giant Fat Albert-looking thing that charges at you in a truly grotesque example of fun character design. It’s a bioweapon to be reckoned with, and when you see one coming your way, all you can say is “OH SHIT” as you try to blast its head apart before it barrages you into a wall.

RE6 is a whopper of a game. It’s chock full of so many different gameplay styles, so many plot threads, so many bits and pieces barely holding together at the seams in a mad effort to appease all sectors of the fan base - the people who preferred Resident Evil when it was eerie and quiet, the fans who fell in love with the series when Resident Evil 4 introduced an emphasis on action and the shippers who just love the characters and want to see them press the trigger of a Magnum at the same time and let loose with a bullet that will send the remains of a hulking Serbian mutation go stumbling backwards into the flames of a burning wind tunnel. 

The only way to properly assess RE6 in the midst of all this madness is to look at its four campaigns one-by-one, which took me 33 hours in total to complete, a staggering number for this series. 

Leon’s campaign - Everyone’s favorite Resident Evil protagonist who is still rocking Leonardo DiCaprio 90s hair (even though he’s aging in real-time and is apparently in his late 30s now) is BACK in this campaign, which seems to be the one that the game wants you to play first. It’s a rollicking adventure which I personally thought was the best of the bunch, though I wouldn’t blame you if you found Chris’ campaign better. I think I was won over by the fan service, since Leon’s opening chapter immediately channels Resident Evil 2 by forcing you to escape Tall Oaks, an American metropolitan area that’s essentially Raccoon City 2.0. Zombies will be lurching at you from the darkness like the old games, you’ve gotta run through subway cars just like in RE2 and RE3, and the whole vibe actually approaches scary at a few moments, which is something that the rest of this game has absolutely no time for. Partnered with Leon is Helena, a new character who’s also a US government agent but frankly kind of boring, and the pair quickly find themselves wrapped up in a conspiracy engineered by a politician named Derek Simmons. To figure out the extent of his conspiracy, you’ve gotta play Ada’s campaign (all the characters’ stories intersect at various points, which is one of this game’s best ideas), but let’s just say that Leon’s party ends in a wild rush to a made-up Chinese city named Lanshiang - which, from the POV of someone who lived in Hong Kong for six years, is clearly HK under another name. Half of Lanshiang gets blown up, Simmons transforms into what looks like a T-Rex and then a giant insect kaiju, and the general tone is deliciously batshit, though if you don’t like batshit then your mileage will vary. Leon gets music that I like to call "Funky Zombie Porno Breakbeats” for his ending theme, and I feel like this phrase can summarize the tone of the entire Resident Evil franchise perfectly. 

Chris’ campaign - If Leon’s adventure was the cheesy-but-occasionally-spooky “LET’S TAKE THESE ZOMBIES TO SUPLEX CITY, CHUMS” vibe of Resident Evil 4 on acid, then Chris’ campaign is the “MILITARY ESPIONAGE ACTION AGAINST BIOWEAPONS, BRUH” vibe of Resident Evil 5 on acid. It begins with Chris suffering from a bout of PTSD after losing a contingent of his men in a made-up country that’s supposed to be Serbia, then moves to Lanshiang after ace sniper Piers recruits Chris for one last mission. Instead of zombies, you fight mostly J’avo, a breed of terrorists using viruses to give themselves horrific limbs, and everything resembles a Call of Duty or SOCOM game, with Chris hearing instructions from his squad leader through his headpiece, ducking behind cover to shoot J’avos apart and generally being a weathered, grumpy soldier. The main theme of Chris’ campaign is actually removed from the overarching tale involving Simmons, and the focus is instead on the quieter, MANLY subplot about how all these years of fighting monstrosities has worn Mr. Redfield down. He needs to learn how to be a soldier once more, and Piers - a guy who I was initially suspicious of because he’s a pretty boy with nicely groomed hair, and those sorts are usually lame in Japanese video games - comes through as one of the most likable additions to Resident Evil lore in a long time to offer Chris much-needed support. The entire campaign might actually be better if played as Piers instead of Chris, especially due to a touching ending scene which is probably the one moment where the game’s plot transcends crazy horror action and enters the realm of something actually thought-provoking. Chris’ campaign, in general, is also where RE6 seems the most focused and confident, though the cover shooting mechanics are clunky when compared to titles that actually specialize in cover shooting, like Gears of War. Chris also doesn’t have Funky Zombie Porno Breakbeats for his ending music, so Leon gets a tiny point ahead of him in my book, but not by much. 

Jake’s campaign - I’ve read a few reviews that call this campaign the “experimental” one, and...yeaaaaah, it is. Jake, who’s the son of former Resident Evil baddie Albert Wesker, was presumably designed to serve as a bold new protagonist for future games, but he’s kind of an emo douchebag, so I played through the entirety of his missions as his partner Sherry Birkin. Sherry’s the little girl from Resident Evil 2 all grown up, which I think is genius, because she serves as a tangible example of this franchise’s progression over the years. You could probably show her picture to anyone unfamiliar with Resident Evil and be like, “That’s a formerly 10-year-old side character from the second game grown up into a secret agent” and get a response of "Woah, cool,” so yeah, I like Sherry a lot. In fact, her presence made this whole campaign tolerable, because Jake is an edgelord and his missions run the confused gamut from shoot ‘em up sections to weird exploration bits that seem to want to channel the spirit of the old games but don’t succeed. Then there are the stealth and chase sequences against Ustanak, the “hulking Serbian mutation” that I mentioned a few paragraphs ago. This fellow was clearly created to remind Resident Evil veterans of Mr. X and Nemesis from RE2 and RE3, but while those guys would break down walls and pop outta nowhere to put a lump in your throat, Ustanak’s every impending arrival is advertised from a mile away, to the point where he’s not really frightening - just redundant. And the stealth bits against him seem like B-tier ripoffs of sequences in Metal Gear Solid, because RE6′s engine is really not engineered for sneakiness. At one point, Sherry and Jake have to hide in garbage dumpsters as Ustanak sniffs around, and that serves as an accurate representation of what large portions of their campaign are. These two kiddies do get a cheesy love ballad for their ending song, though, because the game really wants you to ship ‘em. Sherry, ya deserve better. 

Ada’s campaign - As messy as Jake’s campaign is, however, it’s nothing compared to Ada’s, which was originally an unlockable extra in the original release of RE6 and designed to tie up loose story threads. It does do that, though the resulting plot - where Simmons got so obsessed with Ada Wong that he whipped up an entirely new virus to re-create her and then lost track of it - is pretty meh, though it could perhaps be an intriguing exploration of the depths of male entitlement in the hands of a better writer. Aside from these pieces of so-so story, Ada’s adventure offers aggravation in the form of bad level design and a truly horrid slew of Quicktime Events and wretched stealth sections, which, once again, this game just doesn’t do well. It opens with her investigating a sub filled with guards that she’s encouraged to sneak past, except you can’t really sneak in RE6 and eventually they all notice and decide to gangbang you, and then the sub floods and there’s dizzying shaky cam everywhere that made me feel sick. You’re given a minimal amount of seconds to succeed on the Quicktime Events to escape the rising floodwaters, and I felt like I was playing a game of Dragon’s Lair, where you need to press right or left immediately or risk seeing yourself die over and over again. That sums up the frustration of Ada’s campaign, which also made me realize one important thing - I really don’t find Ada Wong to be much of an interesting character. She’s little more than a walking femme fatale trope, and even people who insist on shipping her with Leon will probably have to admit that those two’s “relationship,” if you can even call it that, is little more than quick winks and five minute interactions that have amounted to nothing over the span of nearly twenty years. The pair of them get ONE good scene on a bridge in this game, but that’s it, and honestly, their cornball kiss near the end of RE2 is still a more genuine character interaction. Oh yeah, and on the topic of ending music, since I seem to be coming back to that a lot in this post, Ada gets generic filler tunes for her credit roll. How appropriate. 

As you can see in the impressions above, in its own special way, Resident Evil 6 has something for everyone, ranging from a quality tale about battle-hardened men shooting biomutations to terrible levels that feel like they came out of a 2005 PS2 game that was quickly relegated to the bargain bin at Gamestop. Reviews were all over the place when this sucker came out, and still are today, with just as many people insisting that this game is the shit as there are people emphasizing that it is shit. My verdict? It’s BOTH, with some truly excellent parts and some truly abhorrent ones. It could have done with some trimming, for sure, and at the end of the day, Leon’s and Chris’ campaigns feel like the only real important ones here. A streamlined and likely better-received version of Resident Evil 6 would’ve only focused on those two guys - since one pivotal scene where the pair meet for a few minutes, briefly scuffle and POINT THEIR GUNS AT EACH OTHER YEAAA FAN SERVICE - seems to have been written first. That would’ve given Resident Evil 6 a better balance, with Leon’s missions possibly focusing on old school survival horror and pulp while Chris’ missions would lean hard on the military action stuff. 

But we didn’t get that. Instead, what we got is a shambling whopper of a game - at times as unwieldy and ridiculous as the enemy bearing the same name, at other times just as satisfying as a real-life beef whopper. Resident Evil 6 is both good and bad, the video game equivalent of an excessive and expensive comic book crossover, and shit, I think I’ve just written the most about it than any of its predecessors.

That, at the very least, has to count for something.

All screenshots taken by me. For more, check out this Twitter thread showing my step-by-step progress through the game.

[saviourfinn]

First thoughts/remarks about Black Panther

so i just saw Black Panther tonight and I loved it!!

Major Spoilers under the cut.

Critics were right when they said Black Panther isn’t your typical blockbuster action movie. It’s packed with phenomenal action scenes, yes. But it’s so much more than that. It’s also a spy movie, a movie about civil war and allegiances, a movie about the conflict between traditions and globalization, a movie about family feuds à la game of throne, and about what to do in the face of oppression. To be honest, it barely feels like a Marvel movie, which is so refreshing. I’m gonna go ahead and talk about several points, it’s gonna be disorganized because i’m tired but who cares.

Wakanda is. so. freaking. awesome. All of it is very afrofuturistic,which is awesome. I love the fact that they didn’t make the whole country into a technological marvel, you see the technologically advanced city, yes, but also the small villages, the shepherds in the countryside etc. Despite the city being super modern, there’s still red soil in the streets, and as an african it really felt like home (or what home could have been without the colonization). I loved how the Wakandan people dress, a mix between traditional clothes and modern clothes, the elder wearing more traditional clothes and the young people (esp Shuri) being more adventurous and afropunk in their aesthetic.

I loved Wakandan’s tradition to access the throne. The whole ceremony and trials were really impressive.

I loved how the tribes were all different, they all had different particularities, purposes and ways of life. Just like most african countries (and a lot of other countries), Wakandans aren’t made up of one singular group, and all these tribes can and have come in conflict, which is one of the main themes of the movie.

Brooooooooooooooooooooooo, the Wakandan tech????????????????????????? So fucking awesome. The members of the Tribe of the Door all wear a thick, colourful piece of fabric draped around their shoulders, and i thought it was just their Aesthetic until they raised it with an arm and it created a freaking electromagnetic shield!!!! There’s vibranium in their clothes and thanks to it they can summon a shield whenever they want I lost my freaking mind in the theater during this scene i’m not gonna lie.

The women in this movie were so awesome, especially Shuri, Okoye and Nakia. They are all complex characters with different values, purposes and motivations, and they all get a lot of screentime. They aren’t defined by their relationship to T’challa, but by their personal convictions. One of the main themes of the movie is allegiance, and to whom/what you are loyal to. Okoye is loyal to her country and the vow she took as a Dora Milaje to protect the throne, and watching her stick to her ideals despite being torn from the inside by her feelings is just heartbreaking. Nakia is loyal to her moral compass and her belief that those who can help others should help them, and everything she does is driven by this mindset.

Even though i always loved the fact that Nakia would be T’challa’s love interest, I was a little worried that the “love interest” part would swallow other parts of her character. It wasn’t the case at all. Sure, she has feelings for T’challa and deeply cares about him, but she would never sacrifice her ideals and moral values for his sake. Actually, at the end of his character development, T’challa is the one who ends up seeing the world like Nakia does.

I love the playful relationship between the characters. Most of the main characters know each other since childhood or their teenage years, and it shows. Okoye and Shuri teases T’challa all the time, and they all behave like a big family.

Shuri. Oh my god, Shuri. A lot of critics said that Michal B Jordan’s Killmonger was the stand out of the movie, but even if i loved his character, i don’t agree. Shuri is. She’s captivating, funny and resourceful, and every one of her scenes is a breath of fresh air. She’s a genius and at only 16, she’s the leader of Wakanda’s technological and medical department. She has her own huge lab in the middle of a vibranium mine, and literally all of the cool tech in the movie is made by her. She’s clearly passionate about what she does, and every time she talks about one of her inventions, her eyes light up and she’s so proud. She’s also a multitasker because during a fight scene, not only does she fight herself, but she has to give instructions to her brother and to another character so that they can win their own fights lmao. But despite being a genius and having a lot of responsibilities, she’s obviously still a kid. She’s always joking and teasing people, and like every teenager she isn’t a big fan of lengthy traditional events. She’s eager to get into action, as her young age prevents her from going on the field, and she wants to discover the world. She is very close to T’challa, their relationship is adorable, and she never misses a chance to make fun of him. Really, Shuri is so much fun.

Black women on screen!!!! So much of them!!! 3 of them being main characters!! It’s so rare for a Marvel movie to have more than 1 main female character, let alone pass the Bechdel test, let alone have black women in speaking roles. They were so badass and layered characters, truly thank you Ryan Coogler for my life.

Erik Killmonger. Such a great, complex villain. He reminds me a lot of the character Lorenzaccio : an anti-hero who, to be able to get his revenge, behaved like his enemy, just to lose himself and turn into the very monster/villain he hates. He raises excellent questions to T’challa and the Wakandan government : they always had the resources and ability to help other people, and yet they never did. When their neighbours got enslaved and colonized, they just hid, and not once during centuries did they try to help. What should one do in the face of their neighbours being in trouble? Should you isolate yourself, ignoring others’ suffering to ensure your people’s safety? Or should you help those in need? After all, who can say if some african countries couldn’t have resisted colonization if they had had access to Wakanda’s tech. Erik wants justice, but in the way of reclaiming it he became a bloodthirsty killer. And the narrative made it clear that he wasn’t born that way, he could’ve turned good. But after his father died, King T’chaka left him all alone to grow up in Oakland’s ghetto, and all the violence and suffering + his abandonment helped turn him into a resentful, angry man. And when he accuses Wakanda of abandoning other black people, he isn’t just talking about them. He’s also talking about himself, who got abandoned by his own family.

Another great thing about Erik : he also represents (at least for me) the diaspora. He’s half-american and half-Wakandan, and he lived in the US for his entire life, so Wakandan people consider him p much like a foreigner --despite the fact that he is also Wakandan.

T’challa’s journey during this movie was to realize that his father (and the government) weren’t as kind and selfless as he thought, and that he had to make a choice. As a king, he can either keep on maintaining his predecessors’ isolationist politic, or open his borders to try and help people in crisis. He realizes that he can’t stand by and watch innocents get murdered while the Wakandans are all nice and cozy in their country, not anymore. He saw how abandonment and violence shaped Killmonger, and he realizes that the only way to help people is to be compassionate. And in the actual political/social climate, where people close their borders to refugees and turn a blind eye to minorities being oppressed, it’s a really important decision.

Black Panther talks about a lot of real-life problems : what to do in time of crisis -- build walls or build bridges?, the brutal oppression of African Americans, the kidnapping and abuse of Nigerian women by terrorists (there’s a scene where Nakia and T’challa save women who were being abducted by those terrorists), etc.

Negative points (because nothing is perfect) :

They could have developed W’Kabi more so that we understand him and his motivations better. I understand that we couldn’t have 4 hours of movie lol, but the result is that his character is somewhat flat compared to others.

They speak with an african accent, and yet they pronounce the “T’” wrong lmao. Most actors are not native so i don’t hold it against them, but during the first few minutes it distracted me from the movie. They pronounce it T-ee-challa when "T’cha” is supposed to be pronounced like in the word “chat”. But again, it’s just a pet peeve because every day i hear europeans pronounce african names wrong.

Other remarks :

I’m so sorry for Erik/T’challa shippers... y’all are gonna have to cancel your ship, Coogler did you dirty à la George Lucas lmao

There’s a cool scene where Nakia is wearing a hijab and she’s beating up bad guys, it’s so rare to see a hijabi woman in an action scene it was awesome (she doesn’t wear the hijab all the time, just in that scene, but still).

I probably forgot/left out a lot of stuff, but that’s all for now!

shout out to my sister @wouriqueen who brought up a lot of relevant points!

[tobns]

@alexanderludwig: can’t believe we’re gonna be starting 2018 without queen latifah #rip

@jackie_emerson: what in the fresh hell are you talking about

@isabellefuhrman: ????????????

@alexanderludwig: @jackie_emerson queen latifah died

@amandlastenberg: uh, no she didn’t

@alexanderludwig: @amandlastenberg yes she did look it up

@jackie_emerson: @alexanderludiwg WE DON’T NEED TO LOOK IT UP

@dayookeniyi: god i hate white people

@jackquaid92: you know, the last 2 years have been so peaceful without getting a single notification from twitter on december 31…one of you please tell me why in the hell we’re descending back into this ridiculousness

@amandlastenberg: once the annoying orange became president, all bets were off

@willowshields: believe me, my life was going so well without one of these sucking up all of my data, so i don’t know why we’ve all of a sudden decided to breathe life back into this dead tradition

@jackie_emerson: as with everything in life, i blame @alexanderludwig and his inability to not believe everything he reads on the internet

@alexanderludwig: IT’S NOT MY FAULT QUEEN LATIFAH DIED

@jackie_emerson: SHE IS NOT DEAD YOU IMBECILE

@jhutch1992: long time, no see twitterverse

@jackquaid92: WHY ARE WE STARTING THIS SHIT AGAIN

@jhutch1992: @jackquaid92 dude calm ur tits, i legit just back got into my twitter account

@jackie_emerson: …then who in the fuck has been tweeting for you

@amandlastenberg: hey josh’s publicist!!! hows it going? pls tell josh he owes me 300 bucks okay thank u :)

@jhutch1992: @amandlastenberg it’s actually me this time, and you will get a nickel out of me when i’m dead

@amandlastenberg: @jhutch1992 don’t speak too soon, bc that can be arranged

@alexanderludwig: @jackie_emerson https://bit.ly/lu43t0 this is the article that confirms queen latifah’s death ill wait for my apology

@jackie_emerson: who’s sat scores did you steal in order to get into usc

@willowshields: i have met hardwood floors smarter than you

@jhutch1992: guess it’s time to log back off of twitter for forever!!

@isabellefuhrman: everyone who says you have no talent is completely wrong

@alexanderludwig: @isabellefuhrman aw thanks izzy <3

@isabellefuhrman: bc it’s truly talent, being THAT stupid

@alexanderludwig: @isabellefuhrman HE Y

@jackie_emerson: ALSO I WILL APOLOGIZE FOR NOTHING

@isabellefuhrman: last nye w/out alcohol #21hereicome

@amandlastenberg: yeah ok

@jackie_emerson: i can see the champagne glass in your hand from here, and i don’t even think we’re in the same time zone

@dayookeniyi: illegal alcohol, maybe

@isabellefuhrman: ok why are you all treating me like i’m ludwig

@alexanderludwig: not much fun is it, being the punching bag of the bunch, huh @isabellefurman

@willowshields: @alexanderludwig you misspelled isabelle’s last name u dumb fuck

@alexanderludwig: @willowshields EXCUSE ME WATCH UR PROFANITIY

@jackquaid92: while i’m not surprised none of u thg fuckers have lives to tend to instead of tweeting all the livelong night, but i on the other hand DO so peace out #livefromvegas

@jackie_emerson: i didn’t know you renamed your living room ‘vegas’

@jackquaid92: @jackie_emerson YOU ARE RUDE

@amandlastenberg: there is nothing for you in vegas aside from a lifelong gambling problem, why are you there

@jackquaid92: @amandlastenberg wow you are not ready to hear about this thing called a britney spears residency

@jhutch1992: @britneyspears run

@jackquaid92: @jhutch1992 i liked you better when your publicist tweeted from your account

@dayookeniyi: can we re-ring in 2012 instead of 2018? asking for a friend

@amandlastenberg: why, so @willowshields and i will be back to being 10 again??

@dayookeniyi: @amandlastenberg actually so obama will be back to being our president but THAT IS A VERY VALID POINT

@willowshields: it’s so he can take a few steps back from being a literal grandpa

@dayookeniyi: I’M ALMOST 30 NOT 300

@amandlastenberg: i see no difference

@jhutch1992: ok but why do we never drag @levenrambin into our twitter holiday dumpster fires like…she’s on here too

@jackie_emerson: just like you can’t work a remote, lev can’t work twitter aside from hitting the retweet button

@willowshields: she disassociates herself from us, like ludwig did that time in an interview

@alexanderludwig: @willowshields hey i apologized for that

@jackquaid92: @alexanderludwig @willowshields yes, and you could have spent more than $2 on an apology fruit basket, those berries were weak

@isabellefuhrman: i’m sorry @jackquaid92 i thought you were too busy with britney to tweet

@jackquaid92: @isabellefuhrman ….i am, it’s my publicist tweeting for me

@amandlastenberg: @jackquaid92 YEAH RIGHT

@jackie_emerson: just like you can’t work a remote, lev can’t work twitter aside from hitting the retweet button (RETWEETED BY @levenrambin)

@willowshields: it’s been 5 years WHY CAN I NOT FIND ANY DIFFERENT FRIENDS ASIDE FROM YOU PEOPLE

@isabellefuhrman: you’re never getting rid of us

@amandlastenberg: all the old goons are like barnacles

@dayookeniyi: @amandlastenberg I DON’T KNOW WHO YOU’RE CALLING AN OLD GOON BUT YOU BETTER WATCH IT

@amandlastenberg: @dayookeniyi or what? you gonna whack me with your cane? run me over with your walker?

@dayookeniyi: @amandlastenberg i am two steps away from blocking you, calling your mother, and summoning my fairy godmother to turn you back to an eleven year old

@alexanderludwig: cant wait to liv it up tonite

@jackie_emerson: die

@isabellefuhrman: no one cares

@amandlastenberg: stop trying to revive liv it up it died before it even began

@alexanderludwig: @amandlastenberg liv it up deserved a grammy

@amandlastenberg: @alexanderludwig if liv it up deserved a grammy, then @jackquaid92 playing the recorder deserved to be our national anthem

@alexanderludwig: @amandlastenberg: i see nothing wrong with this logic

@amandlastenberg: if any of my neighbors are reading this – i hate u and i hope the cops show up to arrest you not for being too fucking loud, but for making it sound like pitbull is playing an outdoor concert on your patio

@willowshields: …why don’t YOU just call the cops on them

@alexanderludwig: what do you have against pitbull

@jackquaid92: and yet, you people wonder why others find us judgmental

@dayookeniyi: WHO’S THE OLD GOON NOW, COMPLAINING ABOUT THE VOLUME LEVELS

@amandlastenberg: @dayookeniyi go back to a) knitting your sweaters and b) minding your own business

@dayookeniyi: @amandlastenberg you just wait until you hit your late 20s and all you want to do is tactile things, you’ll be singing a different tune then

@jackie_emerson: nothing screams quality nye party like frolicking on the beach and throwing all of the stupid shit 2017 gave me out into the ocean

@amandlastenberg: pls don’t get eaten by a shark

@isabellefuhrman: @amandlastenberg i wouldn’t worry, the shark would bring her back

@alexanderludwig: you’re stupid for going out in the ocean when it isn’t shark week, emerson

@jackie_emerson: @alexanderludwig i know damn well YOU aren’t calling ME stupid

@alexanderludwig: shark week is the only safe time to get in the water, since all the sharks are busy being on tv

@willowshields: i can feel my brain cells dying the longer i keep this app open

@isabellefuhrman: for any of you who actually bought that whole bit about @jackquaid92 being #liveatvegas …have i got news for u ;) #EXPOSED pic.twitter.com/j7skao2lm

@jackquaid92: WHAT THE FUCK ISABELLE

@jackie_emerson: MY EYES I’M BLIND

@amandlastenberg: @jackie_emerson suuuuuuure you are ;)

@amandlastenberg: ALSO WHY ARE YOU TWO TOGETHER

@jhutch1992: part of me doesn’t want to know….but part of me does want to know where you got ahold of that seashell bra

@isabellefuhrman: @jackquaid92 what, merquaid??? just figured everyone would want to be part of your world this evening

@jackquaid92: @isabellefuhrman you are STILL EVIL IDC WHAT ANYONE SAYS

@amandlastenberg: not that i’m surprised you assholes are keeping secrets ONCE A-FUCKING-GAIN, but i never thought i’d live to see the day when jackabelle was the only thg ship that sailed

@isabellefuhrman WHAT

@jackquaid92: WH A T

@willowshields: oh how we (and the shippers) were wrong

@alexanderludwig: AMANDLA STENBERG IDK WHAT JACKABELLE IS BUT FOR YOUR SAKE IT BETTER BE SOME MAJESTICAL WILDLIFE ANIMAL THAT LIVES IN THE OUTBACK OF AUSTRALIA

@amandlastenberg: @alexanderludwig listen you don’t get to be sad jack made a move first, mister ‘all i date is discount isabelles’

@jhutch1992: #highlightsof2017 @amandlastenberg outing @alexanderludwig ‘s type for all of twitter to see

@alexanderludwig: I DO NOT HAVE A TYPE

@jackie_emerson: @alexanderludwig HOW DUMB ARE YOU

@isabellefuhrman: i am blocking all of you numskulls

@amandlastenberg: @isabellefuhrman who are you calling a numskull #mrsplebeian

@willowshields: @amandlastenberg @isabellefuhrman HOLY SHIT DID U JUST GO WHERE I THINK U WENT

@isabellefuhrman: @amandlastenberg BLOCKED

@isabellefuhrman: @amandlastenberg AND I AM NEVER TELLING YOU ANYTHING EVER AGAIN

@jackquaid92: @willowshields STOP CALLING ME

@willowshields: NOT UNTIL YOU ANSWER AND TELL ME WHEN YOU AND ISABELLE STARTED DATING

@isabellefuhrman: @willowshields WE ARE NOT DATING

@jhutch1992: @isabellefuhrman no guy willingly wears a seashell bra and red wig for a picture that isn’t being taken by their girlfriend

@willowshields: @jhutch1992 for the first time in your life, you have made sense

@isabellefuhrman: today’s word of the day is BLOCKED!! here it is in a sentence: all of my thg costars are getting BLOCKED

@jackie_emerson: excuse me i’ll have you know i did nothing to perpetuate this jackabelle insanity

@amandlastenberg: i’d love to see you try

@willowshields: who’s gonna help you block us, @jhutch1992

@jhutch1992: @willowshields i see what you did there and i do not appreciate it

@alexanderludwig: pls don’t block me

@isabellefuhrman: @alexanderludwig ……..

@jackie_emerson: @alexanderludwig SHE’S HAD YOU BLOCKED SINCE 2013

@dayookeniyi: almost 2018 and the hunger games relationship disaster is STILL plaguing my life

@amandlastenberg: you’re just jealous that no one shipped you with anyone

@jackquaid92: wanna trade places?????

@dayookeniyi: @jackquaid92 no thanks, especially seeing as how ludwig’s probably gonna show up on your front door within the hour to pummel you for going after his girl

@alexanderludwig: #wolfpackcode

@jackquaid92: OKAY FIRST OF ALL YOU BETTER DELETE THIS SUBTWEET BULLSHIT BECAUSE I AM NOT DATING ISABELLE AND EVEN IF I WAS, ALL I HAVE TO SAY IS THAT YOU HAD T H R E E YEARS TO GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER AND IT’S NOT MY FAULT YOU’RE A MORON WHO WOULD RATHER DATE A LOOKALIKE (WHICH WE ALL NOTICE BTW) THAN ADMIT YOUR FEELINGS

@amandlastenberg: for my birthday, all i want is for someone to print @jackquaid92 ‘s reply and @jackie_emerson ‘s og snapping on ludwig tweet and frame them

@jhutch1992: wait since when did we have a code???????

@dayookeniyi: ……who is we

@jhutch1992: @dayookeniyi YOU BETTER CALL ME

@jackie_emerson: one year, we can’t have ONE YEAR WHERE NOTHING STUPID HAPPENS

@willowshields: you had two of them, clearly you took them for granted

@jackie_emerson: @willowshields if only you and amandla had like, a half an ounce of chill, i would not have to play the role of the bomb squad

@amandlastenberg: @jackie_emerson @willowshields THIS IS WHAT YOU GET FOR NOT INCLUDING US

@alexanderludwig: @amandlastenberg YOU GET INCLUDED WAAAAAY MORE THAN I DO

@jackie_emerson: @alexanderludwig YES AND THAT IS FOR A R E A S O N

@jackquaid92: new year’s resolution: hire a publicist to run my twitter for me

@jhutch1992: dude you really should, best decision i ever made

@dayookeniyi: what, and miss out on these beautiful little breaks in sanity?????? why would you ever wanna do that

@jackquaid92: @dayookeniyi might i redirect you to like, the last half hour of my twitter timeline

@amandlastenberg: in 2018 yall WILL ADD ME AND WILLOW TO WHATEVER LITTLE SECRET GROUP CHAT YOU HAVE GOING ON

@jackie_emerson: the only thing i have to do in life is die

@amandlastenberg: @jackie_emerson keep it up and it will be by my hand

@dayookeniyi: we don’t have a group chat

@isabellefuhrman: @dayookeniyi or you’re just not in it

@dayookeniyi: @isabellefuhrman EXCUSE ME YOU BETTER GET TO ADDING ME

@amandlastenberg: @isabellefuhrman i swear to god if you add dayo before me i will show up at your house

@isabellefuhrman: @amandlastenberg i mean, my house has become thg cast central this evening against my will anyways so what’s one more person

@madelinefuhrman: @alexanderludwig i can see your car parked outside my window so i’m just gonna go ahead and save you the trouble – go home

@alexanderludwig: WAIT WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU AT HOME I THOUGHT YOU WERE IN PARIS

@madelinefuhrman: @alexanderludwig 2017’s just been a year of disappointments, hasn’t it

@willowshields: how is it that we all just magically happen to be in the same zip code whenever we go on one of these twitter tirades

@jhutch1992: and i’m always not

@amandlastenberg: @jhutch1992 you’re rich, hop on a plane and fly out here

@jackie_emerson: i mean, i always try to not be anywhere near you people during the holiday season but the universe hates me

@isabellefuhrman: @jackie_emerson says the girl who texted me yesterday begging me to cancel all my plans so we could hang out

@isabellefuhrman: in 2018 i’m going to chase after my newest career goal: professional receipt collector and exposer

@dayookeniyi: does that mean your athlete phase has finally ended???? thank jesus

@jackquaid92: @dayookeniyi i still think nike mistook her for the OTHER, actually athletic isabelle fuhrman in existence

@isabellefuhrman: @jackquaid92 @dayookeniyi we’ll see who gets the last laugh, tweedledumb and tweedledumber

@jackie_emerson: exposer is not a word, isabelle, stop trying to imitate your one true love

@willowshields: @jackie_emerson NOW WOULD BE A REALLY GREAT TIME TO ADD ME AND AMANDLA TO THE GROUP CHAT SO WE CAN FIND OUT WHO THIS IS ABOUT

@isabellefuhrman: i have dirt on ALL OF YOU i might as well be the key-keeper of the fucking thg cast secrets

@amandlastenberg: @isabellefuhrman lemme stop you RIGHT THERE BC YOU KNOW GOOD AND WELL THAT YOU AREN’T THE ONE THAT HACKED INTO TRAFFIC CAMS TO SPY ON LUDWIG WITH ONE OF HIS WALMART BRAND ISABELLES SO GET BACK TO RUNNING LAPS, FORREST

@dayookeniyi: @isabellefuhrman is not cut out to be an athlete in any form – a thread

@dayookeniyi: exhibit a) the infamous platform incident where we were all convinced she was dead and we’d have to recast the role of clove (and thus introduce alexander to his first knockoff isabelle)

@jackie_emerson: I’M INTERRUPTING THE THREAD TO CONTRIBUTE and remind everyone of when isabelle tripped over the fucking LEVEL SIDEWALK AND SPRAINED HER ANKLE

@jackquaid92: isabelle gave herself a black eye opening my freezer

@amandlastenberg: isabelle fell through the pool ladder at my fourth of july pool party and had bruises all over the insides of her legs for 3 weeks

@alexanderludwig: once during filming isabelle was in my room and walked smack into the balcony door and i thought she’d broken her nose

@jhutch1992: ooh on the mall tour isabelle sliced her thumb wide open trying to tear off a piece of scotch tape

@isabellefuhrman: all of you are going to begin 2018 in this wonderful land called my blocked list

@alexanderludwig: SOS

@jackquaid92: told u not to follow jackie into the closet

@amandlastenberg: I AM DRIVING 30 MILES OVER THE SPEED LIMIT TO GET TO ISABELLE’S AS FAST AS I CAN SO HOLD OFF ON ANY DEVELOPMENTS IN THIS GAME OF 7 MINUTES OF HEAVEN

@willowshields: it’s true she’s driving like we’re auditioning for fast and the furious 9

@alexanderludwig: @amandlastenberg this is not seven minutes in heaven belieb me it’s seven minutes in heLL

@dayookeniyi: @alexanderludwig did you just type ‘belieb’

@alexanderludwig: @dayookeniyi autocorrect

@amandlastenberg: @alexanderludwig WHY IS THAT SOMETHING YOUR PHONE WOULD AUTOCORRECT A WORD TO

@jackie_emerson: @alexanderludwig GET OFF YOUR PHONE BEFORE I THROW IT INTO THE OCEAN

@jackquaid92: the worst thing to ever happen in 2017 was for twitter to give all of you nimrods 280 characters

@isabellefuhrman: says the guy who just got done using all 280 to roast alexander like a marshmallow

@jackie_emerson: LIKE YOU DON’T TAKE FULL ADVANTAGE OF SQUEEZING IN EVERY LAST CHARACTER TO COMPLETE THE BRITNEY LYRIC

@willowshields: in dark times like these, twitter needs as much of our fuckery as they can get

@alexanderludwig: if trump, the least deserving person ever, gets 280 characters, THEN SO DO I

@amandlastenberg: alright which one of you motherfuckers called the cops on me and willow

@jhutch1992: don’t look at me i’m busy freezing my ass off in kentucky and trying to set up this roku

@alexanderludwig: wasn’t me, i’m busy being INTERROGATED BY JACKIE WHO HAS APPARENTLY JOINED THE FBI SINCE WE LAST SAW HER

@dayookeniyi: i just learned how to dial 911 in this country like, 7 months ago so count me out

@jackie_emerson: what excuse did you use on them??? ‘sorry i was speeding officer, my ships from 2012 were on the verge of sinking’

@jackquaid92: consider this payback for starting jackabelle

@jhutch1992: have any of my followers/thg costars set up a roku tv and can give me advice

@dayookeniyi: advice: give up now

@isabellefuhrman: use your roku as a coaster

@jackie_emerson: who at best buy talked you into buying one of those like did they not know you were technologically inept the minute you walked through the wrong set of automatic doors

@amandlastenberg: call the lapd and tell them officer chad wrongfully accused me of about 20 different traffic violations

@willowshields: put it back in the box and send it to me, where it will actually see use

@jackquaid92: still trying to decipher if this is josh or josh’s publicist….

@jhutch1992: and the award for the least helpful people on the planet goes TO

@jackquaid92: @jhutch1992 yep this is definitely josh

@isabellefuhrman: @jackie_emerson you have 46 seconds to get the fuck out of my closet before i come in there and drag you out by the hair

@jackie_emerson: i’m trying to jumpstart your love life okay hold your fucking horses

@amandlastenberg: I AM COMING AS FAST AS I CAN @jackie_emerson HOLD THE FORT DOWN AND MAKE SURE JACK DOESN’T CALL THE COPS ON ME FOR SPEEDING YET AGAIN

@isabellefuhrman: @madelinefuhrman please come out of your room and literally kick everyone out i’m going crazy

@madelinefuhrman: @isabellefuhrman you had your chance to lose touch with them years ago, time for you to make your bed and lie in it sis

@willowshields: things i need to happen in 2018 – for the traffic court to take away @amandlastenberg ‘s license

@amandlastenberg: don’t you even START

@dayookeniyi: @amandlastenberg DON’T TWEET AND DRIVE

@amandlastenberg: @dayookeniyi THEN TELL THE OTHER FUCKERS AT ISABELLE’S TO SIT DOWN, TURN ON HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL, AND WAIT UNTIL I GET THERE BEFORE THEY START DOING THINGS

@dayookeniyi: @amandlastenberg they listen to me as well as they do to you: not at all

@alexanderludwig: i wish i was @levenrambin right about now – not involved in this mess, probly enjoying my new years eve, living without the knowledge of what the back of @isabellefuhrman ‘s closet looks like

@isabellefuhrman: YOU WHAT NOW

@amandlastenberg: MY FOOT OF LEAD IS ONLY SO HEAVY

@jackie_emerson: you’ll thank me later ludwig

@alexanderludwig: @jackie_emerson i can’t thank anyone who doesn’t have respect for the dead

@jackie­­_emerson: @alexanderludwig IF YOU SUGGEST QUEEN LATIFAH IS DEAD ONE MORE FUCKING TIME I AM HEAVE-HOING YOU OUT THE DAMN THIRD STORY WINDOW

@jackquaid92: HANNAH MONTANA MARATHONNNNNNNN!!!!!

@dayookeniyi: we have descended into hell

@willowshields: @amandlastenberg pls turn the car around i suddenly want to go home

@isabellefuhrman: IF YOU BREAK MY COUCH TRYING TO REENACT THE PUMPIN UP THE PARTY PERFORMANCE I WILL KILL YOU

@jhutch1992: are there any subliminal messages in the hannah montana soundtrack about how to properly set up a roku tv without using the usb cord to gouge out one’s eyes

@jackie_emerson: @jackquaid92 serenading me with ‘if we were a movie’ is not the way to my heart

@amandlastenberg: @jackquaid92 STOP IT RIGHT NOW YOU AREN’T ALLOWED TO MAKE A MOVE ON HER UNTIL I GET THERE AND CAN RECORD IT FOR THE LAST LITTLE CULT OF TUMBLR FANS OUT THERE

@isabellefuhrman: #jacquelackFOREVAAAAAAA

@dayookeniyi: dude don’t disrespect corbin bleu like that

@jackie_emerson: @dayookeniyi for someone who’s SOOOOOO opposed to this hannah montana marathon, you sure do have a vast hm knowledge

@dayookeniyi: @jackie­­_emerson listen we only got like….5 channels back in the day and one of them happened to be the disney channel, i’ve lived through more hannah than i care to admit; i could bust out into the nobody’s perfect dance right here and now but I’M NOT

@willowshields: you guys are like in the same room….WHY ARE YOU TWEETING EACH OTHER

@jhutch1992: why do people in my family BUY ME GIFTS THAT REQUIRE COMMON SENSE WHEN IT COMES TO TECHNOLOGY

@jackie_emerson: you barely have common sense period

@isabellefuhrman: there’s this magical thing called youtube that might be of use

@amandlastenberg: @isabellefuhrman please like he knows how to work a web browser

@dayookeniyi: @amandlastenberg IF YOU DON’T STOP TWEETING AND DRIVING I WILL CALL THE LAPD

@jackquaid92: go cry about it into your tissues made of 20 dollar bills and tell someone who CARES

@alexanderludwig: for a moment, i thought the word box was spelled b-o-c-k-s

@willowshields: WE ALMOST DIED BECAUSE AMANDLA’S CAR READ THIS OUT LOUD TO US AND SHE SWERVED TO RUN US INTO A PALM TREE BC OF HOW DONE SHE IS W YOU

@isabellefuhrman: DID MY CLOSET SCAR YOU THAT BADLY

@jackie_emerson: sometimes i wonder how hard you were thrown at a brick wall when you were a child in order for these to be the results twenty something years later

@dayookeniyi: ………..just HOW much marijuana did you smoke before arriving

@alexanderludwig: @willowshields @isabellefuhrman @jackie_emerson @dayookeniyi oh come on like you people haven’t had moments like this

@jackie_emerson: @alexanderludwig WE HAVEN’T

@amandlastenberg: somehow we have run into nye traffic even though we’re headed in the opposite direction of downtown…is everyone trying to get to isabelle’s house or something this evening

@jackquaid92: i’m sensing passive-aggressiveness

@amandlastenberg: @jackquaid92 NO SHIT

@isabellefuhrman: maybe it’s just a sign that you’re not meant to ever experience a nye with us

@amandlastenberg: @isabellefuhrman you will take that back or else i will drive my car right into your living room

@isabellefuhrman: @amandlastenberg assuming you ever get here, that is

@jackie­­_emerson: the devil works, but la party-goers work harder

@dayookeniyi: @elinafuhrman is the best cook on the face of this planet

@isabellefuhrman: it takes one housewife to know another

@alexanderludwig: if you schmooze your way into getting that last vegan brownie imma wake up madeline and set her on your ass

@amandlastenberg: i’m going to take this as a sign that things have gone back to being uneventful as i requested so thank u dear idiots you all get gold star stickers when i get there

@jackie­­_emerson: @amandlastenberg *if, not when

@willowshields: can someone please come pick me up i’m on a road somewhere near isabelle’s house and amandla is 3 seconds away from a meltdown

@jackquaid92: this is karma for the jackabelle thing

@amandlastenberg: @jackquaid92 I am coming for your ass.

@dayookeniyi: @jackquaid92 @amandlastenberg dude she used proper capitalization and punctuation you better leave now while you still have a chance

@isabellefuhrman: #champagnefordaysssss

@jackquaid92: what happened to this being the last nye without alcohol?????

@amandlastenberg: keep on drinking your champagne girly, means that the hard stuff gets saved for me and by jove i’m gonna need it

@alexanderludwig: SHARE

@jackie­­_emerson: keep the alcohol away from ludwig’s grubby paws the last thing we need is him getting drunk and writing the 2018 follow up to liv it up

@jhutch1992: IT’S NEW YEARS HERE IN KENTUCKY HAPPY NEW YEARS AND MAY 2018 BE THE YEAR I FINALLY COMPREHEND MODERN TECHNOLOGY

@alexanderludwig: WAIT IT’S NEW YEARS THERE

@jackquaid92: what’s the sound situation down there?

@jhutch1992: @jackquaid92 sounds like the revolutionary war is occurring right outside my window BUT IT’S OKAY BC IT’S 2018

@jackie­­_emerson: your idea of modern technology is a toaster

@amandlastenberg: HAPPY NEW YEAR THANKS FOR BEING THE MOST BORING, UNEVENTFUL FRIEND I HAVE

@jhutch1992: @amandlastenberg THANK YOU

@jhutch1992: @amandlastenberg: HEY WAIT A SECOND

@jackquaid92: is it too late to ask for things i want for christmas bc i need life alert right about now

@jackie_emerson: you and me both

@willowshields: amandla wants to know what happened and so do i (but i’m not gonna tell amandla until traffic starts moving because i’m actually afraid for my life)

@dayookeniyi: @elinafuhrman where do you keep your bleach

@alexanderludwig: it’s midnight somewhere ;)

@jackie_emerson: and it’s 2017 here which means i’ve still got time to leave you behind

@amandlastenberg: ELABORATE PLEASE

@isabellefuhrman: x

@willowshields: CALL 911 I REPEAT SOMEONE CALL 911 WE ARE VEERING WILDLY OFF THE ROAD

@dayookeniyi: time to burn the best of both worlds into my retinas to hopefully unsee what just happened

@amandlastenberg: things i can officially say i’ve done before 2017 ends: off-roading

@jackie_emerson: in la?????

@amandlastenberg: @jackie­­_emerson you can do anything you put your mind to

@willowshields: we’ll be spending 2018 in the hospital getting treated for whiplash

@dayookeniyi: @willowshields see this wouldn’t be a problem if you and amandla were still 10

@amandlastenberg: @dayookeniyi go back to your hannah montana marathon oladayo and leave me ALONE

@alexanderludwig: @amandlastenberg who the hell is oladayo

@dayookeniyi: @alexanderludwig ....that’s it i give up @amandlastenberg if i come stand outside isabelle’s house will you hit me and put me out of my misery

@amandlastenberg: @dayookeniyi you got it dude

@jackie­­_emerson: the rise of the little merquaid

@dayookeniyi: white people

@jackquaid92: STOP TELLING SOCIAL MEDIA ABOUT THIS GODDAMMIT

@amandlastenberg: i hope one of you knuckleheads has a hidden talent of being a mechanic because MY CAR SURE IS GONNA NEED THE TUNE UP

@madelinefuhrman: CAN YOU ALL GO HOME ALREADY

@isabellefuhrman: @madelinefuhrman you had your chance to get rid of them hours ago, time to make your bed and lie in it SIS

@madelinefuhrman: @isabellefuhrman don’t use my words against me or i’ll start tweeting out old diary entries now that alexbelle is a-happenin

@amandlastenberg: @madelinefuhrman YOU START HUNTING AND I’LL BE THERE IN UNDER 5 TO HELP YOU TWEET THEM OUT

@willowshields: @amandlastenberg SLOW THE FUCK DOWN I JUST SAW US PASS LIGHT

@jhutch1992: next year i’m gonna fly out to wherever the hell in the world you guys decide to be so i can spend new years with you guys instead of my redneck neighbors and malfunctioning roku

@jackquaid92: i nominate we all go to disney, and you foot the bill

@jhutch1992: @jackquaid92 why the hell should i pay when i have liam’s credit card information stored in my apple pay

@jackie_emerson: i’m with jack, let’s go to disney world next year!!!!

@isabellefuhrman: we just gotta make sure wherever we go, we give @amandlastenberg ample travel time or else she might blackmail mickey into stabbing us

@amandlastenberg: @isabellefuhrman i’m touched that you know me so well

@jhutch1992: @jackquaid92 @jackie_emerson @isabellefuhrman @amandlastenberg are you guys just gonna ignore the bit about my roku????

@jackie_emerson: @jhutch1992 you actually expected otherwise?

@isabellefuhrman: i hear tires squealing so i’m going to assume @amandlastenberg has finally arrived to the wasn’t-supposed-to-be-a-party party

@amandlastenberg: I AM HERE AND MY PHONE IS ON RECORD RESUME THE ALEXBELLE MAKEOUT SESSIONS BECAUSE I AM CLAIMING MY TITLE OF QUEEN OF THE INTERNET

@amandlastenberg: also pls let me in it’s cold

@dayookeniyi: WONDERFUL @amandlastenberg i’m waiting at the door with scissors, provide your license upon entry

@amandlastenberg: @dayookeniyi maybe in 2018 you’ll stop being so delusional

@willowshields: i have never been so grateful to see @alexanderludwig in my life

@alexanderludwig: um what are you talking about i’m a cATCH

@jackie_emerson: how to know you’ve gotten Desperate

@willowshields: @jackie_emerson you weren’t in that car

@amandlastenberg: WE WERE NOT GOING THAT FAST

@willowshields: @isabellefuhrman please lock @amandlastenberg outside bc lightning is about to strike her down

@alexanderludwig: you guys are going to leave behind this mess of USING ME AS A PUNCHING BAG IN 2017 DAMMIT

@jackie_emerson: they will be lowering you into the ground and i’ll still be throwing hands

@jackquaid92: if you haven’t shaken it by now, you never will dude

@alexanderludwig: @isabellefuhrman please protect me

@isabellefuhrman: @alexanderludwig you’re a good kisser but you’re an even greater punching bag xoxo

@jackquaid92: almost all of the gang back together again…..i wish i was in vegas with britney

@dayookeniyi: all we have to do is pull out a karaoke machine and put ludwig in some heels, it’ll practically be the same thing

@jackquaid92: @dayookeniyi how dare you liken ludwig to jesus spears

@isabellefuhrman: um do you not remember what happened when we went to go see taylor swift’s nye performance a few years ago in times square???????

@jackquaid92: @isabellefuhrman it was wonderful what are you talking about

@jackie_emerson: @jackquaid92 WE ALMOST GOT ARRESTED

@amandlastenberg: get off your PHONES AND ENTERTAIN ME

@jackquaid92: @amandlastenberg this is why we don’t invite you, you’re too high maintenance – always trying to build up more footage for your alexbelle/emerquaid repertoire

@amandlastenberg: @jackquaid92 okay first, i don’t buy that you know what the word repertoire means so get off dictonary.com and SECONDLY I HAVE A DUTY TO THE PEOPLE OF TUMBLR

@dayookeniyi: i thought i had seen it all tonight….and then someone mentioned the word ‘reputation’

@jackquaid92: BEST ALBUM OF 2018

@alexanderludwig: SAVED MY LFIE

@jhutch1992: WHAT IS THIS ABOUT QUEEN SWIFT

@isabellefuhrman: you had to know the taylor swift fan-men would be extra rabid on a full moon, dayo, it’s your own damn fault

@amandlastenberg: @jhutch1992 since when did you become a taylor swift fan

@jhutch1992: @amandlastenberg SINCE ALWAYS

@alexanderludwig: I DID SOMETHING BAD IS MY JAM SOMEONE CRANK IT UP

@willowshields: @alexanderludwig *pretends to be shocked*

@dayookeniyi: @isabellefuhrman suddenly your closet is looking more and more like a safe place to begin the new year

@isabellefuhrman: @dayookeniyi WHAT IS SO SCARY ABOUT MY CLOSET?!

@jackie_emerson: @isabellefuhrman sweetie, you can’t be that oblivious

@amandlastenberg: @jackie_emerson don’t speak so soon, this is the girl that’s had the hots for ludwig for how long now???

@isabellefuhrman: @jackie_emerson @amandlastenberg get out of my house

@jackie_emerson: maybe in 2018 i will join @levenrambin and break free of this thg twitter curse

@jackquaid92: maybe in 2018 alexander and isabelle will actually stay together

@isabellefuhrman: maybe in 2018 you all will stop coming to my house uninvited

@willowshields: maybe in 2018 amandla will get her license revoked and stop terrorizing the roads

@dayookeniyi: maybe in 2018 i will get to watch as the isabelle posters in nike come down

@isabellefuhrman: @dayookeniyi maybe in 2018 i’ll get you your aarp card for your birthday

@dayookeniyi: @isabellefuhrman I AM NOT THAT OLD DAMMIT

@isabellefuhrman: @dayookeniyi i’m sorry i don’t speak grandpa

@dayookeniyi: maybe in 2018 you people will stop being so SASSY

@jhutch1992: maybe in 2018 you guys will learn about this thing called communication

@alexanderludwig: maybe in 2018 (as in this week) when queen latifah’s funeral is televised you all will apologize and acknowledge that i’m not dumber than a bag of rocks

@amandlastenberg: 3 words, all of you: NEVER. GONNA. HAPPEN

[shipcestuous]

"Odd and True" Episode 2: Revenge of the Shipper (Submission)

(This post is covering chapters 3 through 6 of the book.  And I thought it couldn’t get any ‘cestier, but I was incorrect.)

Picking up where I left off last time (sorry for the wait, by the way; work is kicking my ass), we’re back in 1909 again, the story’s present, and Od and Tru have just been reunited after two years.  The sisters fall asleep in the same bed the same way they did when they were young, although Tru notes:

“[T]he bed stretched no wider or longer than before, and we had to sleep with our knees knocking into each other….

In the morning, I awoke to the warmth of the sunlight brightening my face and the sight of my sister and her rumpled brown hair lying next to me.  On the back of her neck gleamed the little clasp of the gold chain that held the key to the mystery box she’d spoken of the night before–the box that contained a story of some sort.

How my fingers itched to reach out and unfasten that clasp, to unlock the box.”

Of course I’m looking at this moment with shipper goggles fully in place, but I still can’t help but be reminded of those movie scenes where Character A wakes up next to Character B (usually after some romantic stuff) and is happy to realize it wasn’t a dream at all and they’re actually here.  Also, although I know Tru’s talking about a literal box and all, I can’t help but read that line in a shippier way.  My shameless shipper goggles at work, friends.

When Od wakes up, Tru asks her to stay here with her and their grouchy aunt, but their aunt doesn’t want Od there and says that she’d been told not to come back.  Od tells her, “I’m tired of living without my sister.  I’m taking her with me….  I want to save her.“  “Save her from what?“  “From you.  And the other monsters.”

(Their aunt Viktoria is the sister of Maria and Magnus– Viktoria is the middle sister–who used to believe in and love magic along with them.  They actually formed a little group as kids called “MarViLUs,” a combination of the letters in the three siblings’ names; the “L” comes from their last name, Lowenherz, meaning “lionheart”.  However, Viktoria now pretends not to believe in magic and hates when Od talks about it.)

Od and Viktoria get into a fight over whether Tru will stay home or leave with Od, and Od accuses their aunt of “keeping her trapped out here, just like our father did to our mother."  This accusation echoes Magnus’s accusations toward their father, another way the sisters’ relationship mirrors Magnus and Maria’s.

Od teaches Tru how to fight and tries again to convince her to come with her, even telling Tru twice that "we’re meant to be together."  (Ignore that sound in the distance; it’s just me screaming.)  Tru tells her that unlike Od, she can’t just leave, because "I’m a cripple….  I’m deformed”–words that really hurt Od to hear, making her tear up.

Tru asks Od again about their uncle Magnus and what happened to the girls’ father: whether Magnus truly made him disappear, or if Od is saying “in a delicate manner, that [their] uncle was a murderer."  Od dodges the question, and also Aunt Viktoria’s questions about whether Od has been in contact with Magnus, and I’m still on the edge of my seat to find out exactly what went down back then with Magnus, Maria, and the girls’ father.

Ultimately, the sisters and their aunt are at the train station, saying their goodbyes.  Tru is torn between staying home where she feels safer and following her big sister.  Even as she rises from her wheelchair to hug Od goodbye, she’s unsure. But then, "Od pulled me close enough for me to feel her heart pounding against my chest.  I couldn’t let her go.”  To their aunt’s outrage, and with Od’s help, Tru boards the train.  As the sisters ride away, Tru describes Od’s eyes as being “as luminescent as the sun stealing through the clouds behind her,” from how happy she is to have her sister by her side.  Thus ends chapter 3.  (Yeah, all that was one chapter.)

In chapter 4, we find ourselves in Od’s POV, as she remembers 1896 (so Od is about 6 here, and Tru is 2).  Od remembers their routine: their father would stop by their house for a week every other month.  And every alternating month, “when Papa specifically wasn’t visiting,” Magnus would show up and help Maria care for her daughters.

When neither of them are there, odd things happen.  Supernatural things. And Maria falls sick.  So one night, Od prays really hard that Magnus will show up to help them (as he told her to do in her previous flashback, citing the strength of their family bond).  The next day, he shows up, and when Od tells him how Maria is sick (it’s morning sickness, btw; she’s pregnant), he’s upset.  “Not again."  He asks the girls not to eavesdrop on his conversation with Maria, so of course Od does just that.

Magnus tells Maria that "you brought us to California to make a better life for the both of us” and that with every baby that her husband “saddles you with, you get stuck deeper and deeper."  Maria feels stuck.  Magnus volunteers to take her and the girls with him elsewhere (another parallel to the Od/Tru relationship). Their argument intensifies, Maria throws a pot, and Magnus rides off to blow off steam.

An hour later, the girls’ father shows up.  (His name is Louis, by the way.  I’ll be using that from now on, for brevity’s sake.)  Immediately, Od recognizes that "there’s going to be an awful battle” when Magnus comes back.  When she tells her father that Uncle Magnus is here, he gets agitated.  “Is he in there with your mother?”  She tells Louis that Maria and Magnus fought and he rode off, because Mama is sick, because she’s going to have a baby, and then Louis goes in the house to comfort the tearful Maria.

Magnus doesn’t come back in time for supper.  Meanwhile, Louis is reading to the girls, the Grimms’ story of “The Robber Bridegroom."  (Which is an interesting story to tell, considering that that’s basically how Magnus thinks of him.)  When Magnus does show up, it’s right as Louis finishes the story.  I’ll just… give you the excerpt here (again, from Od’s POV).  Because here, the subtext basically stops being subtext.

"Magnus!"  Mama jumped to her feet.  "You’re drunk!”

“Did you tell him the news?"  Uncle Magnus wobbled across the floorboards toward us.  "Did you tell him he’s got you further pinned to the walls of this house?  A chloroformed butterfly in his collection of treasures.”

“Go lie down."  Mama grabbed her brother by his right arm.  "Don’t let the children see you like this.”

“Odette, take your sister up to bed,” said Papa, lowering Tru to the floor.  “I need to have a little talk with your uncle.”

“You don’t get to talk to me like I’m a child, old man,” said Uncle Magnus, lunging forward, but Mama held him back before he could reach Papa.  “You may be older, but you’re nothing like a father to anyone–not to these children, not to any other children–”

“I’ll stop talking to you like you’re a child, Magnus,” said Papa, “when you stop acting like a twenty-one-year-old brat who’s in love with his sister.”

Mama and Uncle Magnus froze at those words, and their faces flushed bright red.

So yeah.  That happened.  I mean, I’d figured all that subtext couldn’t be just in my head, but you never know.  So it was nice to see the author’s confirmation (through Louis) that the subtext up to that point was intentional.

Od ushers Tru upstairs and tells her little sister to cover her ears.  Even with her own ears covers, Od remembers hearing the argument going on in the house beneath them.  The next morning, though, the house is eerily silent.  When Od creeps down the stairs, she finds Magnus sitting in Louis’s armchair.  She recalls, “he reigned over the empty room in my father’s chair."  (He also sits in Louis’s chair at the heat of the dining table in the next scene.  Just in case this moment wasn’t clear enough.  We get it, Magnus, you want to take Louis’s place completely.)

Magnus tells her that Louis is gone and that he’s never coming back, and ”for the first time in my life, I hated him.“  (Which is understandable, but makes me really sad.  I ship Od/Tru and Magnus/Maria, but Od’s admiration toward Magnus when she was younger was absolutely precious.)

When Maria wakes up, she tells Od that they’re going to move soon so she needs to pack her things.  But Od is convinced that Magnus killed her father, so she spends hours digging through their yard searching for Louis’s body, until Magnus comes out and stops his crying niece, telling her that Louis isn’t dead.  He just stormed out and Maria to leave for good.

"Od?  Did you think I killed him?  Is that why you’re digging?”

“You’ve said you wanted to kill him since the day Tru was born….”

…

“Your father’s not what he claims.  He’s not a poet, or an artist, or a loving family man.  He’s living down in San Diego, filthy rich from an allowance he receives from his parents back in England.”

“No, he’s not!"  I dropped the shovel and covered my ears.  "You killed him.  I know you did.”

“No, I didn’t."  Uncle Magnus squatted down and yanked my hands away from my ears.  "Stop saying that.  You’re ripping my heart to pieces, Od.  Look at me.”

I did as he asked, and the old, familiar compassion shone in my uncle’s brown eyes.

“Do you want me to take you to him?” he asked.  “Shall I prove to you he’s alive?”

So Magnus volunteers to sneak Od out to see her father (sneaking because Maria wouldn’t want Od to see her father ever again; yet another parallel to Tru slipping aboard the train with Od against their aunt’s wishes, partially because she hopes to see her mother again).  Maria sees them leaving and forces Magnus to tell her where they’re going, and she’s distraught; Od describes her as “screaming my uncle’s name, as though someone were chopping her to bits, as though she were laid out on a table, a victim of ‘The Robber Bridegroom’ murders."  And that’s where the chapter and the flashback end.

Back in the present in Tru’s POV, Od says they’re headed to Philadelphia, following a premonition of Tru’s.  Tru says that she wants to go to their mother instead, but Od claims their mother is ”not proud of her living conditions.  I don’t want to embarrass her.  And I don’t want to stop for any visits and chitchat.  We mustn’t get attached to any one place if we’re going to be productive,“ and then Od tries to change the subject.  Once she learns their mother IS in Philadelphia, she tries to dissuade Tru from going to see her.  Only more reading will tell if I’m right or not, but I suspect Maria and Magnus might be living together.

A small thing that’s notable about Od and Tru’s travels here: since Tru had to leave her wheelchair behind with their aunt in her rush to board the train, she has to rely on her cane and leaning on Od to walk here.  They might have been apart for two years, but their bond snaps into place again immediately; Od still fills her role as Tru’s protector, and Tru still relies on Od instinctively, even though she still doesn’t quite believe her big sister about the supernatural stuff.  Also notable, they keep doing the bed-sharing thing on the train.  Platonic bed-sharing is my favorite ship trope, it really is.

The next chapter, we’re back to Od’s flashback of her six-year-old self and Uncle Magnus going to see her father.  We also learn that when Maria first brought Magnus to California, she found work as Louis’s maid and that was where they met–further showing the imbalance in their relationship.

Finally, they reach Louis’s house, and Magnus takes Od’s hand and tells her, ”Whatever happens, know that you’re loved a great deal.“  The door is answered by a pretty young maid (Magnus comments that she resembles Maria, and asks if she was 16 or 17 like Maria was when Louis hired her).  Od finds out that her father has a whole other family here since long ago (the oldest boy is nearly Magnus’s age) and he’d been lying to her and Maria. Louis admits to Od that "this is my real family,” and Od is heartbroken (me too).

Od swears she’ll never speak to Magnus again for showing her all this.  (She is just six; that was probably not a good call tbqh.)  They stop for dinner at what seems to be a brothel, which… also not a good call, Magnus, but he’s barely an adult himself.  One of the women there comments that Od looks so much like Magnus and asks if he’s sure she isn’t his daughter.  Magnus says, “She’s definitely my niece, but she’s my girl, and I love her dearly."  Which is not actually a denial.  She could be his niece AND his daughter, and they do look alike from their descriptions so far.

The next day, Magnus and Od return home, and Maria is understandably furious about what her brother exposed Od to.  She tells him that she’ll never forgive him for taking her away, and she doesn’t want him to contact her or the girls again, and Od reflects that the previous night ”that was the last night I’d ever see my uncle, let alone my father, during the long and difficult years of my childhood.“

Now that we’ve learned all of this from Od’s flashbacks, it paints the story she told Tru in the prologue in an even sweeter light.  Od knows this horrible truth about her father and how her family divided, but when Tru asks about it, she paints it in a more magical light so as to protect Tru from the true (heh) nature of the events.  She doesn’t want her little sister to be shattered by the realization the same way Od was, and as an older sister with about the same age difference between me and my sibling as Od and Tru, that’s both the realest and the sweetest thing.

It does lead me to wonder if that’s the only supernatural thing she’s told Tru that was… altered a bit, but I’ll have to leave that for the next installment, because this is already incredibly lengthy.  I hope to have the next one written out far sooner than it took me this time, though!  These relationships are so compelling, so I might keep reading more tonight. :)

[x]

I’m so glad to hear that Maria and Magnus really is canon-ish now. There can be no doubt that all of the subtext was intentional. 

Thanks for this detailed update! I have the next one in my inbox now so I’ll move right on to it.