#like....why cant just ppl..do smth out of their good will instead...of...like...ending up kinda wanting or expecting smth in return?

[atsu-i]

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[feelitstillmp3]

i was going to dump this into @time-and-space​‘s inbox, but then it spiraled out of control and became super long. so im making it into a post. heres some thinking abt doctor who/torchwood/class/merlin parallels ! (specifically abt the parallels between tenrose/janto/charlie x matteusz/merthur) (keep in mind that my knowledge on merlin is not so good) (also feel free to correct me if im wrong or add anything on) (also this contains spoilers for ... all the shows. pls watch them, theyre good)

ive been thinking about the whole theme between charlie and matteusz where theyre like ?? scared to lose each other ?? and how it totally parallels to the other things like .... we have one character whos different and immortal and alien (not to mention the trauma they've been through-), but another who is supposedly "normal" and human. so, they work with it right ?

but then theres the ever-present danger of what they have to go through daily, and the fear that its going to leave them alone. i mean, they've already been left alone, but now that they've actually fallen in love, its different. its harder now.

consider the following lines:

"i think of it every day, and the only thing that stops me is you." (class, e6) 

"i take it all back, but not him!"(torchwood, s3e4) (theres probably a better quote but no think, head empty)

"i could save everyone, but lose you." (doctor who, uhhh idk but i swear the doctor said something like it at some point, pls correct me if im wrong)

and yes, theyve felt this before, the pain of their entire race being wiped out, no one left but them, and everyone seems to leave them in the end. but for one second, they stop and actually think they have a chance for a while. someone who might stay.

ALSO it works as like .... the normal person is scared of the other, scared of what they can do and how they are ....

consider the following lines:

"im afraid of who you are, of what you're capable of, of what you will do" (class e6)

"you like to think you're a hero, but you're the biggest monster of all." (s1e4)

"what about you, doctor? what the hell are you changing into?" (doctor who, s1e6)

the person who has been through so much is capable of doing so many things, and sometimes it scares the other one. but they witnessed genocide ! and theyre probably traumatized over it ! theyve probably done some terrible shit as a result of it ! both of them are so valid in being that way.

and another parallel i have just thought of, mentioned a lot already, but the recurring theme of killing off an entire race and how that affected the alien character ....

consider the following situations:

doctor who - the time war, in which the doctor participated, and eventually ended. // when 9 was planning to kill off the last of the daleks in the parting of ways, hesitating for a bit, knowing that it would end up destroying earth in the process, making them no better than what the daleks are

torchwood - jack's planet and how it got invaded, how his parents died as a result and why his brother did everything that happened in exit wounds. // ummm i think maybe how willingly jack was able to give the girl up to the fairies to save the human race, like hes seen what the fairies are capable of, hes seen what disasters mass murder can bring. he doesnt want to see it again. 

class - well, the shadowkin invasion, both on rhodia and when it happens on earth (both times) but also the invasion with the flowers ? // how much he really wants to just kill the shadowkin like ! he even mentioned it once ("i want to murder the shadowkin. every last one ...." e6) and he just wants to do it out of revenge. but “we shouldnt avenge genocide with genocide” (we're not going to talk abt how the only thing stopping him is that he would lose matteusz in the process)

but yeah ! theyve seen first hand what it like, and when prompted to do the same thing themselves, they end up hesitating, eventually choosing the other option instead. (well... except charlie. he does it once at least.) 

and finally, immortality. this ties in a lot w my first point abt losing the other person .....

doctor who - pretty easy to think about, the doctor has had so many companions over the years, and each time they end up leaving them. even after he meets rose, who wished to stay together forever ("how long are you gonna stay with me?" "forever.") but then she ends up leaving, the doctor is left to continue on for so much longer ..

torchwood - pretty same as above, jack never commits himself to a relationship, he knows everyone will leave him anyway. but then he meets ianto jones. and it all changes, he falls in love, which he said he would never do, and thats why he doesnt ever say "i love you," because once he says it then he cant deny it any longer. once he says it than he will have to admit that ianto, someone that he does love, is lost to him.

class - ok, charlie isnt technically immortal from what i know, but i am assuming he probably has a longer lifespan than humans (basing this off this line - "you want to know who would be the last one standing out of the five of us? i would." e6) so ! its mentioned a lot (and is the main theme, as i said earlier) that matteusz and charlie dont want to lose each other. i want to specifically point out the line “every day i think, please dont go where i cant follow.” (e8) because it just so implies that charlie is different. he can go places, live longer than matteusz ever can. 

going to add this onto the end here, but i just thought that actually merlin kinda fits into this too ! 

loss - the loss of his father, of his one childhood friend (will?), the knights of the round table (pretty sure a lot of them die too, correct me if im wrong) and even arthur who leaves in the end. everyone around him just seems to leave or turn bad 

fear - we all know merlin is powerful, right ? i mean i swear it says somewhere hes like ... the greatest sorcerer to ever live or smth. and yes, arthur doesnt technically fear him, but if we think about what would have happened if merlin revealed his magic earlier, when camelot was still under the rule of uther and arthur was still scared of ppl w magic .... idk abt this one ndjnsjd it works in my head okay

trauma - had to get some help from @a-confused-contradictory-mess​ here and she brought up some good points ! when he was younger, because of his magic, he never really fit in. his mother made him hide, because she feared what would happen if he found out. (i ... think?) imagine what that does to someone, having to hide something about yourself for so long.

immortality - after everyone leaves around him, theres kinda no escape. he has to live with it for all the years that his immortal life goes by. this ties in a lot w how jack and the doctor feel, with everyone around them making them left all alone. 

tldr: losing the one person they always thought would stay, one being scared of the other's power, the trauma affecting one of them, immortality and the price that comes w it are all some really good parallels between these ships/shows and genuinely kill me inside

[sanchoyo]

danny phantom 8-13 thoughts! again, under the cut bc I blew through 6 episodes in one go...

-LOVE THE WAY THE GHOST ZONE LOOKS. but theres fucking ghost cops??? ghost jail??? that SUCKS imagine dying and going to jail in your AFTERLIFE. danny going to JAIL WAS NOT something I expected. but seeing all the enemies together and work with danny to bust out. SO ICONIC I love that actually. and the thing about real world stuff acting as ghosts in the ghost zone is very cool.

-'there are some things more important that hunting ghosts!' mrs fenton says, about her husband forgetting their anaversary (FOR THE 18TH YEAR IN A ROW?? CHRIST) and not about, idk, their son clearly freaked out. she didnt even notice he was gone into the ghost zone!!! he might be a bad husband BUT shes not the best mom. they suck and I don't care about their relationship problems I care about these kids. danny doing his best to clean the house to keep his mom from getting mad at his dad?? hes such a good boy I want to cry, this is not his place, his dad should be cleaning his own shit up!!!

-maddie's butch lesbian sister is living my best life in her lil cabin. also being a snarky bitch to jack. queen. and her getting a 10th anniversary of her divorce. LOVE IT.

-mr. lancer being a cheerleader in his younger years makes perfect sense to me. king shit.

-dr. spectra's cat ears/mullet hairstyle?? sooo cute. I also just love the concept of a ghost just. sucking out people's positivity and feeding on emotions. a great villain. she put danny in a fucking diaper what the FUCK. and keeping it cold so no one would suspect shes a ghost??? INCREDIBLE. and her gay little blob sidekick. wlw mlm evil solidarity.

-JAZZ FOCUSED EP. YEAAAH!!! her first thought when she saw the ghosts was like 'omg i gotta tell danny :)' and her going to the teacher and also councilor trying to get help for him...shes just 16 but shes trying so hard to help him out :( watching this when youre younger I can imagine ppl are like omg annoying!! but watching this when im older im just like :( jazz baby im SO sorry </3 SHE BODIED THAT GHOST THOUGH. and the fact she didnt tell danny she knew surprised me. like, shes patient and waiting on him to tell her when hes ready!! thats so so sweet.

-christ the parents talking about 'PEELING IT LIKE AN ONION. AND EXAMINING REMAINS' of ghosts RIGHT INFRONT OF DANNY.

-'why am i so depressed and angry all the time!!' DANNY YOURE 14. i mean it IS a ghost this time, but...

-579$ top?? VALERIE NO ITS NOT EVEN CUTE IT DOESNT EVEN GO WITH THAT OUTFIT AAAA. tho this ep is called shades of gray..VALERIE FOCUSED EP FINALLY????! *THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE* I already knew about red huntress from my redesigns, but I didn't exactly know what that entails or how/why, so, it's fun to see the Origins.

-ghost pubby! ghost pubby!!!!! why is the dog a ghost?? the implication that the company had guard dogs and got rid of them...what did they DO. is it just the unfinished business?? of not having that toy it was looking for?? god I hope so.

I feel SOOO bad for valerie tho, my god. her friends are shunning her for what, because her dad lost her job and she had to move??? horrible. (and the fact the dog wrecked the moving van too...) I also love how 'from wisconsin' on the package was an IMMEDIATE RED FLAG FOR ME. WISCONSIN=EVIL NOW. vlads so petty.

-it took valerie like 5 mins to get the hang of hunting ghosts and shes already a much bigger threat than his parents tbh. who've been trying and studying this for years. and a more valid reason <3 love her shes so cute and cool. new daughter alert.

-'i should do SOMETHING to help valerie' no shit danny???

-'who is that, awesome outfit!' -top gay sam moments. i was going to say. before it immediately cuts to sam kissing danny LMFAOOO. don't think I like that, it puts tucker in a weird third wheel position... the next ep involves them holding hands and blushing when danny's cold...URGH No. not a fan ngl. the trope of 'if theres a girl in a trio she has to end up with one of the two guys!!'

-right as I say that they take it to extremes!! and ember shoots him with a love ray gun that makes him OBSESSIVE OVER SAM. AND SHE TAKES HIS HANDS AND SAYS 'YOU DONT FEEL THAT WAY ABOUT ME, I DONT FEEL THAT WAY ABOUT YOU' and her saying she doesnt want to be together like this. and tucker saying 'i always knew you two would get together!!' dont manifest it tucker please. the show pushing for it so hard makes me not want it KSHKJKJD I KNOW its probably canon. it sucks though. im a hater.

-vlad just LURKING AROUND THE SCHOOL GIVING VALERIE GIFTS ASJKDHKJ YOU WEIRD PETTY OLD MAN GO HOME!!!

-EMBERRRRR YOU WILL REMEMBERRRRRR . this is the one thing I kinda remember from when I was a kid EMBERRRRR ilu. top 10 cartoon bops. sams being a hater. popular things are popular for a reason. mr. lancer also being a hater. also everyone wearing her color scheme ..its a really good look, the purple, black, and minty color...

-penguins exist in the ghost zone. confirmed.

-EMBER JUST SHOWING UP AT A RANDOM HIGHSCHOOL TO PLAY?? UNANNOUNCED, MID DAY??? girl get a tour schedule. make some money or smth damn. I know shes probably doing it for the power boost but. lord. anyway if your show doesnt have a concert scene/ep, is it even valid.

-fellas is this gay. (she uses a GRAPPLING HOOK TO SHOOT OUT THE WINDOW AFTER SEEING AN EMBER VAN GO BY RIGHT AFTER THIS SHOT)

-hey, she had an undercut at some point!! my redesign!!! was accurate!! in..a way

-I feel like danny has a lot of pent up aggression ngl, him being heartbroken about sam and immediately going IM GONNA GO TAKE IT OUT ON EMBER. I mean she needs to be stopped I guess But. jazz has the right idea he needs therapy and a HEALTHY outlet.

-tucker singing > my singing

-girls cant be gamers -tucker and danny sexist moments. her being chaos in the game OWNED.

-TUCKERS HAT IS A BERET??? I THOUGHT IT WAS A BEANIE. SAM CALLED IT A BERET. WH.

-it was actually nice of lancer to let danny retake the test, and he go to play games again. smh. epic cringe gamer moments compilation. and driving him home!!! I actually like him as a character. anyway teachers like lancer are SO appreciated. I was failing middle school because of mental problems, and felt so dumb and got embarrassed by teachers who would just get onto me instead of bothering to ask what the real problem was, but when I was taking my ged classes I had a wonderful teacher who kept reassuring me that I was smart, and I got honors!! danny is SUCH a little shit to him (understandable, 14, but) but seeing them getting along better and danny putting in effort. SO CUTE. THATS MY SON, STUDYING HARD!!!! and being so PROUD OF HIMSELF!!! 91!!! BITCH!!! A- is STILL AN A!!!

-'why dont they ever realize thats me in a dress' mr lancer i am CRYING. i realized.

-technus being my ghost grandpa who cant game asking tucker for help. bless his heart. his out of date old ppl lingo circles back to being endearing <3 tucker not recognizing him despite the like, lack of any kind of serious disguise...I do love their lil in-game outfits....sam being the tank rules. I like technus' spider design also. more characters need to be giant freaky spiders, imo.

-finding your gf a new host because she cant maintain her ghost body outside the zone? amazing. using jazz as the host? ILL KILL YOU. jazz immediately accepting a ride home from a guy she just met and letting him know where she lives. letting him IN THE HOUSE??? nooo girl no lets use common sense </3

-sooo cringe the parents were like 'good job for spying on your sister' tho wtffff. doesnt matter if hes a bad guy, thats fucked. everytime these parents BREATHE im like. these are MY kids now <3

-BAD LUCK BEING A THEME OF THE 13TH EPISODE. thats super fun. johnny 13 being his name is so. iconic. your last name is a NUMBER? also goth tucker. I actually love the look. everyone looks good goth. 'the ladies love the eyeliner and onyx nail polish' sam you are sooo right every man needs to at least try those two things. im a lesbian and I agree. same, danny, your bff is gnc af

-LOVE kitty's design. and just, the concept of a ghost with a bike. couple goals, except yes stay away from jazz.

[vampsting]

Why don't you like crabbng? I don't like them either but I just wanna know if they've done anything bad. I mean obviously their art is kinda iffy but??

while she doesnt make the absolute worst content in the fandom i think just labeling what she does as ‘iffy’ is being kinda ignorant

she has clarified time and time again all her bkgs are trans, and in her fantasy au comics says he is pre op as she doesnt wish to focus on things like dysphoria. thats fine and dandy on its own, in fact we need more trans narratives shown in that light. however, hes pre op with nothing like hormone blockers, so that means shes constantly drawing a minor with their boobs out. when shes an adult, and claims to be against the sexualization of the bnha kids

to further on that she gives the girls better outfits that cover up more however will put bakugou in honestly really fetishizing outfits, going as far as making the shirtless sleeve bullshit that ppl complain abt kirishimas hero costume into a constant thing in bakugous fashion sense. theres also the fact i had to mute her on twitter bc often times when she ended up on my tl one way or another it would be constant shit of bakugou being bruised, chained, and bloodied (and of course, shirtless), and its honestly all, really fucking uncomfortable.

her other transmasc character, red riot, is an adult but has top surgery. while boobs shouldnt be inherently sexualized in society, that are, and if you want to make a statement about it, you dont use fucking minors. especially when youre portraying one thats part of a minority you have power over. so crabbng constantly draws a trans minors boobs out, and never has done that with any adults, when it would make so much more sense for bkg to cover his chest all the time and the adult trans character to be the one with a pre-op chest out. no one else is tits out beside a character who is a trans minor.

the only reason she gets away with this is bc of her simple style. ive seen fanart of her comics that looks almost exactly like fantasy au genderbend bkg stuff where the artist didnt cover the chest either. like...a minor being a trans boy doesnt give you excuse to draw their boobs out, and you shouldnt use your simple style as a way to get away with it. like this whole thing has just been an adult trying to make excuses to draw a minors boobs instead of thinking “oh! that IS gross of me, i’ll stop doing that!”. art isnt made in a vacuum, so you cant really claim its not sexualized when society at large still sees it as such, and she does too but only with the girls cause its more convenient to her work

ultimately thats not even the worst thing, whats really bad about all of this is how she handles criticism, which is by claiming “dont defend me, this is all valid” along with more paragraphs of bs and doesnt change a damn thing. she responded to them with bullshit instead of actually fixing anything. when i first brought up these criticisms i was a huge fan of her work and i was 15, and to bring up smth that i realized had made me uncomfortable to be greeted with paragraphs that all i could describe as academic crytyping is really ugly.  like... shes too prideful that shes soooo good abt trans issues she wont fix the simple thing of not drawing a kids boobs out. literally just a shirt would solve this issue but she thinks writing rants of her cis & adult opinion on the matter is more productive. or she does the basic bs about how she cant ~please everyone~ which is the exact argument anti sjws & media creators say when lgbt rep in media gets criticism as well

i think its also side eye worthy how she publishes anons that claim to be trans men who were helped by her shit too whenever criticisms are brought up. like... all thats doing is stroking her ego, on top of the fact its not unlikely some cis fan was angry abt ppl criticizing their fave fanartist and lied abt themself on anon cause that honestly really damn easy. it also rubs me the wrong way how she earns money off her comic that constantly has a minors boobs out.

i guess tl;dr: crabbng constantly draws a trans minors boobs out against all criticism (including much from trans men, many are minors themselves, to which she responds with bullshit instead of actual improvement) along with other sketchy & hypocritical shit and im tired of seeing her so uplifted among the fandom until she straightens her shit out, and until she does, she will only continue to make me very fucking uncomfortable. and if she ever sees this she BETTER actually get off her ass and do smth instead of just saying “youre valid :) but im not changing anything”

[queencryo]

@silly-go-round is asleep right now.

i guess i should make a journal for the past few days. as good a time as any. as AMY. heh. cuz shes super good and amazing. heh.

uh...... lessee.... for the two days after the last journal i just. hung out at the house while silly worked. i managed to not keep her in bed and make her late the second day. hung out a lot, watched more adventure time, worked on my tumblr filter script (lie. i judt ran it on my main. 200 posts / day is a bitchhhh) , played a good amount of ds3 (to pointof tetris effect at a couple points the nexg few days)

also did some like. helpful tasks. washed some dishes (undone quicklu, but. eh). not enough, mot as much as i shouldve, but... i tried i guess.

alao we've like. said the same thing at the dame time a Lot while ive been here and its like. nice. its really nice. same wavelength! i feel so close go her.

oh! alxo night before last we went grocery shoping. got food for prolly enoygh for the two weeks, but i guess we'll see. also a cheesecake! it was.... echausting. hily fuck it was exhaysting. jesus. the store was big and it took like 3 hours and $200 to get everything but. we did itttt.

we both mentionef that like. it felt nice to like. have a full fridge 2gether. cuz. it feels like were gonna have a futjre togetjer? u know. like that is. i love her a lot and it feels good for this to feel like a home for a little while. we hope that it can be so in tbe future.

so YESTERDAY she finally FINALLY taught me how to play magic the gathering. it was. a long time coming. but she brought me into the store and like. sat me down w some regulars and had me play commander. i played moooostly her snake deck, so like.that was fun!! i kept talki g about how i woulda gotten lorescale Coatl up to 39/39 and flying, had i like. gotten q more turn. but on that game D was running a mill deck that was. extremely long to play (that game took like ~>2 hours ugh), and was very bery annoying, so i didnt get to actually do that.

but it was fun! part of me wants to blog everything, but i dont think i will.

im glad to be able to use silly's decks, bc i dont think i want to make my own. im considering making a cheap angel deck or smth, but we'll see if yhat actually ends up happening.

i also met her girlfriend Iz, who is sweet. i played magic w her fkr a while, which was fun! she was runni g an annoying mono black deck (i kkow all these... these Terms and Words now, its incredible...)

shes sweet and i think i like her. dunno if enough to date yet (which makes me Partially regret flirting w her so much in the groupchat but. hey)

talked w her some, mostly about magic, hung out while silly closed the store, pet her cat, silly discovered that cyddling w TWO girlfriends is very nice (not rhat id know ;;;;;;;), was good times. i dont think im as comfy w izzy physically yet as i may have implied in messages, which hopefully wull be rectified by the message i just sent her (my initial physical comfort with people varies, it depends very much on the person)

skip forward, me and silly make a pizza at home cuz were fuckin tired, she admonishes me for not eating for uh... like 11 hours or smth (that mornings bagel was VERY good tho omg), but adderall, so like... meh.

uh... i dont think anything else on yesterday...

today! we waaamted to go to the store at like. 2. but in actuality got there at like! 330.

i went back to sleep cuz im a losenerd, and she. made this breakfast casserole thing. which hse put into a bagel abd brought to me bc i guess shes the best person on the entire earth oh my GOD. jesus

skip... apparently she knows maximum the hormone and doesnt like them very much... fair fair. (cause for xeath)

came to the store agai. tofay. it was fun and good. iz didnt come in today, do played some more with regulars. played w what is apparently called a blink deck, which revolvea arounf exiling cards then immediately bringing them back, to capitalize on "when this enters battlefield, do smth" cards. neat!

i DID actually manage to win today!!! the victory was. literally handed to me, but like. thats fine! i was playing silly's uhhh... elintor the masked? idr her name :( the mask planewalker! deck, which. i had SO much land, most of wh8ch was enchanfed. meaning it could be tapped then untapped w eljntor's thing, then tapped again for DOUBLE MANA. i mean. i had like 9/turn even b4 that but. BUT. i also had. i think i drew 3 creatures total. bit anyway. i had the white card that gave me a life whenever a creature was put on tge board (and also, w another enchantment, made all non-me creagurss and enchantments enter the board tapped, so. nya). so... rob had a card what dealt one damGe to all other players whenevr he puta. creature on the board. then he played united forces, which lets each player commit X mana to create X 1/1 soldier tokens on all players' boards. so. we made 28 white soldier tokens on everyones board. this killed perry, ans gave me, uh. 56 life (84 - 28). i then attacked ron for 28 w the soldiers, and drew sacred mesa, which lets me sacrifice 2 mana (1 any color, 1 white, but i had so many cards that said "this land can instead be tapped for 2 of any color, so like. ueah) to create a 1/1 flying pegasus token. so i. ended the game w 44 white 1/1 tokens. goblins get fucked.attack w my ssoldiers cuz his were tapped, so brought him down to 7 life. i didng catch what he did w the enchantment, but i think he said he like. put a copy of every creature on my side of the board onto his board, and then. cipying that enchantment 3 times. so. holy FUCK. wow. BUT those all came in tapped and i had 18 flying yokens, so. i still won! yay!!!! i won a game of magic!!!!!

goblin decks scare me. stop running krenko you fucks. exponential goblins goddamn

silly would come by every so often and like. look over my dhoulder and say "oh that was dumb whyd u use fabricate for thay" which is fair. but also god i love her. (i used fabricate for a mana generator insteaf of lightning greaves. whateverrrr) i love her so much dear god. i wish i coukd help w the store more, but. on the same time i also. dont enjoy working. so. maybe part time.

hm. what ekse. oh yeah i kove her so much.

by the end of the night it was just. me and her, rob and the two regulars i started out llaying w yestwrday. theyre sweet, i like them. theyre married. the dude calls me honey smtimes, which is. kinda weird? dunno how i feel about that. i guess fine. its gender-nice, but still a lil uncomfy. otherwise i like em fien, though. but they talked abouy moving into sillys apt. so thats cool!! better than her current (awful, terrible, lazy / horrifically depressed / manchild roomate, who doesnt clean ever) roomate. i was reading the monster of the week gamebook thruout, which i... bought, for some reason. idk. oh also i wanna make a fallen angel divine, because im... predictableeee. also a conspiracy thworist whos just a trans woman w way too much time and really weird hobbies (throwing knices, butterfly knife, net friends, etc). also a spooky. i speny like. 3 hours reading thr7 the monster of the week book while ppl played magic around me. i kinda wish i hadnt bought it, but hey! its neat c:

oh, also i didnt take adderall today. i dont think it went toooo bad, i think i like. was meaner and less thohghtful with what i said, but like. i guess thats better than feared. i took a caffeine pill (200mg) at ariund 10 which is. prolly why im wide awake right now. i regret doing that, sincr from what shes said tmos gonna be big)

she says we gotta be at her moms by 4, for reasons she WONT TELL ME. bit she says its part of one of her plans, i ASSUME the romantic one? im kind of afraid that ill like. no-sell it unwillingly because im abroke and soulless human being, but uh. i guess rhats thw risks we take to be alive :shrug: im excited. were also going to a shop (diff one) tmo, which im Quite excited for, as ive only been in similar shops by accident before. also doing laundry!!! which is important ^_^

oh ysah. so we got white castle on the way home. its. yeah she was r8ght. mediocre-at-best sliders. onions are bad.

we also made a pizza. whifh i ate most of. i overate. sob.

she fell asleep halfway thry an episode of nailed it. cant blame her, she seemed really tired. i hipe i dont disturb her rwst. and i feel so utterly blessed thay i can be around her.

ih!! i also fell down the last few staies ywstersay. bruised my arms, but otherwise fine. it was. idk, it is nice to knoe that others worry fir me and like me. she was very concerned. i love her.

[chikotos]

speaking of That my mom is finally recognizing that when I say “i dont feel good” it doesnt mean i have a cold or sth its that Uh, im probably experiencing suicidal thoughts and cant express it well (or at least smth along those lines) and my house has been dirty cuz i havent cleaned in a while or i cant keep it clean and she n my sister cleaned an area and i repeatedly told her not to bc shes always using my sister to do things im not adequate enough to do on time and its rlly not fair to her even if she doesnt realize it cuz like shes only 12 & we dont ever even talk so she shouldnt have to take care of someone 5 years older than her.. and i was gonna clean but I basically slept all day so i could just clean alone at night when I feel safe to walk around the house . i wasnt even tired idk why i slept but now im eerily awake and maybe will be umless i force myself to sleep

its so lonely here and thats only hit me like this year cuz all the time before I would go through periods of hanging out after school maybe.. twice a year? and only hanging out with one person whod have many friends but theyd b my only friend which is a problem i tend to have. but it jst got to the point where im realizing, i think cuz i was in my schools drama program n exposed to lots of friendships, that im jst like ,really fucking lonely. Which is unfortunate because ive always been such an internal person at home and have been able to work creatively but thats all like leaving me? art doesnt make me happy anymore because i dislike my art so much and havent had a platform to share it in so long and i guess I thrive on other ppls opinions of it? and I definitely cant write anymore. I havent been able to zone in on an interest in MONTHS and thats left me creatively drained, a lot. 

I think im starting to rlly, RLLY redirect my complete attention from interests to ppl (which always ends well am i right lads) and it isnt fair to ppl who like, have others and need space and time etc or Uh, dont even know me. but its like a switch like , I can either be creative or i can feel loved and Boy Howdy, do i need both,

its just weird cuz im the only one in my family thats emoitonal like this and I think thats why i feel so isolated. like im not exxagerating when I say my dad has 0 friends tht arent family. my mom has work friends she will hang out with maybe 4 times a year not for work, but shes always complaining abt social situations which I can understand. maybe my siblings r like that too but my sisters young n focuses on minecraft n stuff n hangs out w friends more than me n we barely know each other so its not like id know, maybe my half brother is but whens the last time hes wanted to talk to me right. like i cry all the time and all it does is make my dad angry at memfor being incompetent and make my mom think its her fault and my sister confused and jst takes up everyones time

and its jst all v strange. like i was kinda raised 2 not have friends, inadvertantly i guess. i can remember my mom trying to make me feel better about something along the lines of u can b okay w/out friends if u have family but she jst told me friends dont matter and im never gonna talk to ppl i meet at my age as an adult, so it stuck w/ me and i started to make moral judgements on ppl on small things we could talk out like say, they use homophobic language sometimes but im sure theyd respect me enough to stop, but id make those judgements before we could befriend each other n take a chance, kinda to protect myself from attachments? but later in life ive found ppl who dont do stuff like that, and thats when i focus in on them im an unfair way to them and they r the only person/group of ppl in my life, etc etc and idk how to stop because im so scared of hanging out w/ most ppl alone i guess? but ill still be here, thinking about like example (namedrop bc he doesnt have me tumblr anyways) my friend jacob tht never hung out w/ me outside of school but i fuccin loved that kid n he just stopped talking to me over the summer n ignored my text i send first day of summer and now we see each other and talk briefly but its like he wont let us be friends anymore and smth like this always happens and its So

and tbh how can i expect it to not happen when i limit myself so much n they will have plenty of other close close friends when i dont? and i think ive gotten better but idk anymore. 

and uh, unrelated. I think my dog ive had for 12 years may have to end up being put down this year. hes got cataracts in both eyes and skin diseases and back problems and teeth problems (hes inbred) and hes losing his hearing too and for the past two weeks hes been peeing everywhere and we can let him out but he cant climb stairs anymore n he has to walk them to get to our yard and im the only one w/ the patience to pick him up (hes only 8 pounds) n put him in the yard bc my parents will jst scream at him n my sister doesnt like dogs and hes got seperation issues w me and whines when he cant be in my room which is the farthest from the door out n stuff. and its like rlly stressful my mom will scream at him in front of my sister n brother n me and the other day she said my dad grabbed him by the neck and threw him out on the concrete cuz he peed inside and hes so tiny that thats just gonna make everyting worse and its notmlike i can stop them bc why would anyone listen to me and hed prob b fine for s few more years if he lived in a patient house with ppl who would take him to the vet but theyre prob gonna put him down early snd its gonna b so weird w/out him

when i showered earlier i took s razor with me w/ the intent to cut my thighs, and i did a little, but i never ever draw blood wnd its strange. why am i given these urges when im so fucking terrified of blood. itll still leave marks n stuff but it makes me feel weak ? n ill bruise myself up instead but its never the same. and im such an advocate for help w self harm but i cant for myself. its like i subconsciously want 2 get caught ? idk. i did throw my razor away though and the others i have r rusty and im not THAT much of a dumbass so i dont have options to self harm anymore unless i get new ones. lifehack

and uh lol, having no schedule n it being summer my eating habits r SHIT. it always hurts to eat p much, its at different times n most of the time i just snck only or i dont eat for hours n see black spots n stuff. and when i dont eat its not a body image thing (im nt rlly happy w my nody but its not sth not eating will help with) its cuz i dknt wanna go upstairs for food where my dad is n the snacks r downstairs so its easier, or cuz i forget or cuz i like, want to punish myself? but im too lazy to self harm. its weird

n since ive stopped id’ing as ace officially my internalized lesbophobia has gotten so much worse . im so repressed and lost ans sad, nothinng rly makes sense? I either fall in love w/ anyone who flirts with me or i focus on someone who ill never fucking talk to or see again and imagine countless scenarios n set myself up to b sad. i seek validation from ppl on it but nothhing comes out right or i just cant say it, because other than when i make myself the butt of gay jokes i just cant sven get the words out of my throat that im gay cuz im jst so ashamed and disgusted with myself. ive been looking at pictures of guys lately cuz ive been trying to force myself to like them. back when i thought i was pan it always felt safer bc i could always just love a cis guy or whatever and everything would b okay for my family ykno. and its such a shameful thing for me bc my irl friends who im out to, most see me as v confident abt it at least a little bc im loud abt it u kno, and make all sorts of jokes, and i jst know so many would b surprised or like sad abt that

i want to stop liking girls so much. like holy shit. i have so many straight girl friends and i hate it when they flirt with me because lik, none r my type so i feel nothing but then i feel like i shiuld then feel like No i shouldnt then feel like i shouldnt even be around them bc im a gross disgusting creepo dyke predator. n they always use the excuse of me having a gf so its fine id never hit on them well like, now im single so i have to be DOUBLE careful not to b affectionate w them as im w all my friends and itsssssssssssssmjshfjhdjfhsjdhjshdjshdjhsjdhsjhdjshdk

and i like, think abt this girl alot n yea its romantic even thomwe never fucking talked n rlly i do that w lots of girls and its making me lose out on friendships bc i wanna b their friends somehow bc i think theyre very cool n stuff but i cant stop hodling on to stupid daydreams n idealizations i get to distract me when im sad n its jst stupid like i know its dumb but guess whos boutta keeeeeeppppp doin it??!!!!! boy!!!

and i try so damn hard to talk feeling out, n talk abt who im attracted to n stuff w ppl, n i try so hard to gush but i cant cuz smth comes outta my mouth and then i cant speak past that and no one ends up rlly knowing how i feel, bc ANY time i talk abt anytingngay related abt me its what happens. and i listen to others talking abt tht stuff and i jsut get so god damn JEALOUS bc idk how to express myself 

all these inadequacies n shit is making it rlly hard to see how,im gonna b on my own n its always been like this. at TWELVE YEARS OLD i came to fhe fucking conclusion that i was just gonna kill myself when i turned 18 so i didnt have to deal with all this and i was OKAY WITH IT and i just went through life knowing that and hiding it and so rarely questioning my inevitable suicide as a childc so instead of dealing with all that n my problems n getting better i let myself get worse cuz uh, fuck it right

idk its all just occured to me how im not a fully functioning human being, in seberal if not all aspects of my life, its weird. now that I actively want to live and realize i uh Kinda have to simce ill b the legal guardian of my brother its all very scary

sorr i was all over the place and all the typos i didnt mean anyof them n im not crytyping like, i cried a bit but i jst hate typing kn thsi shitty tablet keyboard, n dont wanna spellcheck. if u read through comgratulations also please dont message me abt like the self harm junk n my dog n stuff like, whatever ur abt to say. I Know my guy 

time to go uhhhhhhhhhhh daydream about impossible gay shit with guilt in the back of my mind

[imabookmarkaddict]

or would the ex gf just stick to the simple script of 'how could you do this to me'?

WelshenToday at 1:12 AM

Uh idk i like to think they liked each other so maybe not cussing bu like youre the worst i cant believe u did this to me

[1:12 AM]

Like me when u mention star trek

puzzlezToday at 1:12 AM

ur the ex gf

[1:12 AM]

i c

WelshenToday at 1:12 AM

Ofc

[1:12 AM]

U trusted sadi tho

[1:12 AM]

Thats on u man

puzzlezToday at 1:13 AM

and okay, i know some people can get monstrous with their language when they're really upset and i didn't know if the ex gf would be the type to hurl insults to hide her hurt or if she'd be a lil more 'mature' about it

[1:14 AM]

also would she care that it was a guy trevor 'cheated' with or would that not rly faze her/be something she mentions?

WelshenToday at 1:14 AM

I dont think she noticed

[1:14 AM]

That comes up next time

puzzlezToday at 1:14 AM

there's a next time omg

[1:15 AM]

idk if i feel worse for trevor or markus having to put up with angry ex gf popping up and making their budding (and doomed) love awkward

WelshenToday at 1:17 AM

Well yeah she doesnt give up duh

[1:17 AM]

I think she comes back like im pregnant

[1:17 AM]

Halp

[1:18 AM]

And trevor has half a backbone and says no go to my ex best friend is it even mine no ofc it isnt lol

[1:19 AM]

Eventually tho the best friend just vanishes so trevor thinks its immoral to let a pregnant woman live on the street right obv she has it very difficult

[1:20 AM]

But he kind of asked markus to move in and now has to amend it to move in with me and my preg ex

[1:20 AM]

Eventually they get marrued for the child even if its not his so

[1:20 AM]

Shrug??

  puzzlezToday at 5:51 AM

i'm assuming that markus overhears most/all of the convo between trevor and his ex gf since the apartment isn't that big?

WelshenToday at 5:51 AM

Yeah

[5:52 AM]

He doesnt really care about cheating, he would never do it but most of his customers obv cheated on wives and stuff

puzzlezToday at 5:53 AM

so i know markus wants to just hide under a blanket and die but does he ask trevor at all about what happened with the ex gf or is he okay with just not talking about it?

WelshenToday at 5:53 AM

Hmm

[5:54 AM]

Well maybe he asks if the chocolate didnt work out or smth

[5:54 AM]

And trevor just mentions that apparently his best friend was giving it to her

[5:54 AM]

Wink

[5:55 AM]

But not really more than that, maybe later when trevor goes boyfriend? Markus asks if the ex is an ex(edited)

puzzlezToday at 5:58 AM

so what happens after the little talk about the ex gf? like, does markus mention anything about hanging out again/does trevor?

[5:58 AM]

basically, how do they decide to keep in touch

WelshenToday at 5:59 AM

Ugh

[5:59 AM]

Well markus doesnt really carry a phone

[5:59 AM]

So thats out

puzzlezToday at 5:59 AM

rofl

[5:59 AM]

i wasn't sure if like they didn't establish communication and bump into each other again or if they decide while still in the apartment that they want to hang out again

WelshenToday at 5:59 AM

So idk a normal way to deal with that,

puzzlezToday at 6:00 AM

like trevor saying something like "well we never finished that movie so u wanna come over again some time to try again" or smth

WelshenToday at 6:00 AM

God thats so perfect lol

[6:01 AM]

Markus is prob awk saying sorry dont have a phone, you cant come over

[6:02 AM]

Cuz he's staying with another family

[6:02 AM]

A friend of jonahs cousin its complicated

[6:02 AM]

So trevor is like well i work at the mall at x clothing store bla bla

[6:03 AM]

And markus goes yeah i work at the crepe/non usa pancake bar

[6:03 AM]

So they mostly hang out at trevors apt, at work or the mall. Meet me at x tmrw at 4 or whatever people do(edited)

puzzlezToday at 6:05 AM

so i was picturing the original convo (after the ex gf leaving) kind of being like a little awk and then when markus tries to flee, trevor dropping a comment about like "hey come back at x time to finish the movie with me" and markus agreeing

WelshenToday at 6:06 AM

Oh yeah that makes sense, markus cant say no if he feels he owes something

puzzlezToday at 6:07 AM

and that's kind of the end of the scene, and i guess the next scene being the movie?? i'm kind of wondering like

WelshenToday at 6:07 AM

Thats kind of fuzzy

puzzlezToday at 6:08 AM

did u want to do something dumb and cute like the two running into each other at the mall somewhere and that's when they both say they work there?

[6:08 AM]

like idk they're on break

[6:08 AM]

or trevor is on break and wants a quick snack but damn gf packs lunch and shes not there so he didn't pack a lunch and gets cheap/quick junk food and -- oh hi markus how u

WelshenToday at 6:08 AM

Oh hey that second one is cute

[6:09 AM]

Im pretty sure markus workplace is like a 10min walk from the mall or smth but its well recommended

[6:09 AM]

So it would make sense i think

[6:10 AM]

Idk im incompetent at cute

puzzlezToday at 6:10 AM

omg no ur fine

[6:11 AM]

over the past few years i feel like i've gotten good at bouncing ideas off of ppl because despite doing v little actual rp'ing i've planned a shit load of details for the rps and it mostly involved me concocting ideas until the other person says "i like that one"

[6:11 AM]

so if i make a rec u don't like ur not going to hurt my feeings btw

WelshenToday at 6:11 AM

Well im kind of particular

[6:12 AM]

But more about personality

[6:12 AM]

Also why would u care about yr feelings when u go for yoga and skurk

puzzlezToday at 6:15 AM

so it could be like the next work day (i forget but i think the amusement park was on a saturday? so its sunday rn? so next work day is monday unless markus works whenever/whatever days) markus sees trevor and there's that little burst of surprise at seeing each other, and trevor explains i work at the mall, and markus is all oh never seen u here just surprised and trevor semi awkwardly explains yehhhh ex gf packed lunch so now i gotta figure out food for myself/didn't have anything today buuuut won't complain at seeing a friendly face (or something kinda friendly and flirty)

[6:16 AM]

and maybe they have a small flirt fest and at the end trevor says something about "oh i never got your number?" and markus admits he doesn't have a phone and trevor is all well sighs guess i gotta wait until saturday (whatever time they agreed to see the movie)

WelshenToday at 6:16 AM

Yeah that sounds about right

puzzlezToday at 6:17 AM

and markus feels a bit tickled at someone expressing excitement at someone seeming a bit excited about meeting up

WelshenToday at 6:18 AM

The only attention markus has gotten is from spencer so yah now he's a pretty easy flirt

puzzlezToday at 6:18 AM

is trevor a sweet tooth that he would start to casually show up at markus' work every now and then for a bite of food and a quick flirt with markus?

[6:18 AM]

...wait what kind of crepe place we talking actually

WelshenToday at 6:18 AM

Im sure he would do it anyway, see taking care of ex gf

[6:19 AM]

Swedish pancakes are apparently called crepes in usa

puzzlezToday at 6:19 AM

the traditional ones like in france were there are also savory crepes (filled with meat/cheese) or the kind where they just have desert (piled up with sugar/fruit)

[6:19 AM]

u have ur own omg

[6:19 AM]

google time

WelshenToday at 6:19 AM

Christ

[6:19 AM]

But yeah i think its at most cheese

[6:20 AM]

Not meat really ? Idk how they stay in business

[6:20 AM]

But hey we eat pancakes w jam for lunch in sweden so f u america

puzzlezToday at 6:20 AM

...huh

[6:21 AM]

they look like crepes idk taste difference obv

[6:21 AM]

we have places here that only sell sweet crepes

WelshenToday at 6:21 AM

Ifbwe were to make crepes

[6:21 AM]

They would be even thinner and smaller

puzzlezToday at 6:21 AM

most americans think crepes = dessert only even tho in france they're mostly a savory snack/light meal

[6:21 AM]

yeah the swedish ones look a little thicker than french crepes but other than that they look similar

[6:22 AM]

what do u want me to call them in the story

WelshenToday at 6:22 AM

Probably are idk

puzzlezToday at 6:22 AM

i mean i can call them the swedish name if u want

WelshenToday at 6:22 AM

Theyre called crepes in the next story

[6:22 AM]

Which is the nsfw of markus workplace

[6:22 AM]

Please dont eat there its unsanitary

[6:23 AM]

Every surface has been banged on

[6:23 AM]

Maybe not the stove

puzzlezToday at 6:24 AM

omfg figures

[6:24 AM]

wtf r they called in swedish tho

[6:24 AM]

none of the recipes i'm looking at call them anything but crepes

WelshenToday at 6:24 AM

Pancakes

[6:24 AM]

Or pannkakor

puzzlezToday at 6:25 AM

huh okay

WelshenToday at 6:25 AM

Literal translation

puzzlezToday at 6:25 AM

does markus' workplace have a name or is it just "that crepe place"

[6:26 AM]

same goes for trevor's workplace actually is it just "the clothing store"?

WelshenToday at 6:27 AM

Rofl idk remember unnamed bf

[6:27 AM]

Idk if i use real ones or made up ones

[6:28 AM]

Instead of an h&m store its m&h maybe shrug

puzzlezToday at 6:30 AM

that works, yeh

[6:30 AM]

i tried looking up cute crepe store names but the best i found was "cut the crepe"

[6:30 AM]

(pun on cut the crap but not very good if u ask me)

WelshenToday at 6:31 AM

Snort its cute tho

[6:31 AM]

Im bad at puns

[6:31 AM]

Markus loves puns, its not compatible

puzzlezToday at 6:32 AM

omg well if it comes up do u want the crepe place to be called cut the crepe?

WelshenToday at 6:32 AM

Sure

[6:32 AM]

And if we come up w something better i can just edit shrug

puzzlezToday at 6:33 AM

yeh

[6:33 AM]

idk if it will come up tbh since i'm not rly the type to shove details in unless it feels natural if that makes sense?

[6:34 AM]

like idk if i'm writing from markus' pov for example i'm not going to wax poetic about how he looks every time he glances at a mirror because realistically how often do u look at urself in the mirror and analyze ur every detail

[6:34 AM]

ur more likely to give it a quick glance and be done

[6:34 AM]

stuff like that

[6:34 AM]

but yeh it's good to know small stuff in case it does come up for any reason

WelshenToday at 6:36 AM

Sure thats fine

[6:36 AM]

Fun to think about tho

puzzlezToday at 6:36 AM

yeh

WelshenToday at 6:37 AM

Thats more if i do art for it

[6:37 AM]

Wink

puzzlezToday at 6:38 AM

okay so for now it's ex gf shows up, melt down, awk convo and trevor asks for markus to come back to finish the movie, meet up at markus' work, and then movie

[6:38 AM]

omg yes

WelshenToday at 6:38 AM

Yah sounds very good

puzzlezToday at 6:40 AM

so should it be like trevor shows up earlier in markus' work week (like mon or tues) and then again later in the week (friday or smth)? or would trevor not rly think too much about markus after the first encounter at the crepe place cuz moping about gf off and on?

[6:41 AM]

i'm wondering if maybe they agreed to meet up like friday at 7 pm or smth and would/do you want trevor to show up after his shift at the crepe place for a sweet bite and then lingers and asks if markus wants to walk back to his apartment after markus gets off?

WelshenToday at 6:41 AM

Idk i think he was suspecting her for a while? Which is why he blew up at markus for "cheating" the wheel

[6:42 AM]

So hes probably okay with how it turned out

[6:42 AM]

And hes got a rebound now too

[6:42 AM]

Whos very compliant

[6:42 AM]

But yeah he can border on stalker

[6:43 AM]

Very simpleminded guy we're talking about

[6:43 AM]

And i guess hes worried about losing contact?

puzzlezToday at 6:44 AM

omg well it could also be like idfk trevor feels a little excited at the idea of moving on if he was okay with how things went with the ex gf

[6:44 AM]

thought it might make markus happy to have a guy kinda acting like a dope at the idea of a date-not-date thing

[6:45 AM]

like trevor kinda being like "well if ur not doing anything after u get off u don't have to wait until 7 to come over u could walk home with me"

WelshenToday at 6:47 AM

Yeah definitely

[6:48 AM]

Markus is happy to have a friend first of all

[6:49 AM]

Well a nice friend

[6:50 AM]

So yah markus does kinda see sex as an unevitable payment for a relationship tho

puzzlezToday at 6:50 AM

poor kid

[6:51 AM]

so would trevor make moves for 'round 2' of the failed sex on movie day or would they just chat and hang and flirt?

[6:51 AM]

idk how fast things actually get sexual with them so

WelshenToday at 6:55 AM

I dont really know either

[6:55 AM]

Whatever ur comfortable with to start

[6:55 AM]

But yeah im sure trevor is the kind of guy who goes hey i studied lots of porn

[6:56 AM]

Watch what i can do and markus just finds it adorably vanilla lol

[6:56 AM]

Maybe he tries to proper date on date one a kiss on date two etc

[6:57 AM]

Markus finds all of him adorable but in the end too naive for a longterm relationship i guess