#listen... I had surgery I can't go to work or do anything basically and I have lots of free time so sometimes I think and post my crap here

[midesastremanifiesto]

Why do I feel everything surrounding Carlos is blown out of proportion?? people change jobs, sponsors leave, drivers say things, give interviews, make mistakes on track, crash, change friends and leave their girlfriends and it's normal, or it seems to be normal with everyone except with Carlos. Maybe it happens with other drivers and idk because I don't follow them closely, but with Carlos it seems all it has to have a secret motive, or he has an evil plan. Sometimes things are easier than we think.

[brostateexam]

Have not been saying much for a while because everything is hard.

I. My BiL has had c diff three times now and after the third time the oncologist decided to take a damn the torpedoes approach because they were wasting weeks that should have been devoted to chemo because he was too sick and too weak to withstand outpatient treatment. I haven't seen him irl since December but my mom says he looks rough and if his immune system is so messed up that he keeps getting c diff idk that I really want to visit him. What if I get him sick?

All of this is background to me, though, because mostly I'm invested in my sister. She wants to divorce him. He needs to be better enough that she won't face ostracization for doing so. I am invested in him getting better enough for that to proceed for her sake.

II. Something about my relationship with my mom has been bothering me and I finally figured out what it is: everything is equally important to her. She doesn't prioritize anything. If I am having a tough time and ask for help she'll say "well I'm busy every day this week but I can come over next week in Thursday for ninety minutes" and then when she comes over I ask her what she was up to, both to make conversation and because I'm nosy, and it's like... she volunteered for a clothing drive at the synagogue. She went grocery shopping. She went to a farmer's market. Thanks for fitting me into your schedule, I guess! Glad to know I am on the same level as farm fresh tomatoes.

III. I have been having a really tough time of it for the last few months. The vacation in Mexico was... Not restful. Shane had a seizure on the plane and I spent the first two days managing logistics related to that (and navigating the extra ~$2k I spent covering his medical costs while on the trip). His back is still fucked up almost two months later and so I get to do extra housework and chores because he can't lift or bend without being in pain.

IV. Resultant to III, I had a really awful period of about a month with an online friend who started being super short and terse with me because I've been around online less. It was really clear he felt like I was ditching him to go hang out with my cool friends or something, instead of the reality of the situation: I'm cleaning litter boxes and doing yard work and changing the sheets on the bed aka #livingthedream. I told him about all the stuff that was going on but it was clear he didn't believe me or resented my absence nevertheless. This came to a head with me basically texting him an essay about why he was being a bad friend. In a turn of good news, he listened, and apologized, and we mended fences. That was nice because I just don't know how much more bad news I can take right now.

V. I've been struggling with work but really it's just. My boss. My coworkers like me. My project sponsors like me. My skip level likes me. My exec likes me. It's just him. We don't have a good relationship and I don't know how to fix it. I don't know that it is fixable. This is a problem because this is the guy I need in my corner to advance my career and I don't know that he'll do that for me. The alternative is leaving my company, which sounds attractive on paper but in practice the job market is so so bad and it's just so discouraging. The idea of a new job sounds incredible. I wish I could do that. Maybe even a career change.

VI. Unfortunately, that's not gonna happen because of financial pressures. NGL, as much as I like my house (and I do -- I love its little windows, I love my pink dining nook and green bedroom, I love the mature fruit trees and pretty backyard full of wildflowers), I wish i had the cash in hand, instead. I feel trapped here, and like I'm making the most of it. That's a shit feeling to have.

VII. I've started regaining weight. Not a lot. Fifteen pounds since October. But it's scaring me. It's making me wonder if this whole surgery thing was pointless because I can't seem to stop myself from wanting to eat myself to death. So I'm trying to beat it back without resorting to "diet culture behaviors" (read: disordered eating) and that's tough.

There could be a separate post for things that are going well perhaps, but this is what's going not so well and it feels like a lot. Sometimes it feels like too much.

[e-vay]

Evay QA Bulk Post 3

Here’s the latest assembly of asks, assorted by topics so you can browse only what interests you. Also, some questions refer to the Choose-Your-Own-Adventure game I made, so to avoid spoilers for those of you who haven't played it, I put those asks all the way at the bottom. If you haven't played my game yet, please go play it!

PERSONAL ASKS

Anon asked: E-vay may i ask which tablet mark do you use for your drawings?

And dreamylumi-art asked: Was wondering what is your favorite brushes In Procreate? Your drawings look so fun and bouncy that I’m interested in your process!

A: I use an iPad and I do all my drawings in Procreate now. I like to experiment with brushes, but the primary brushes I use come standard with Procreate. I use the "Procreate Pencil" for my sketches and the "Technical Pen" for linework :)

Anon asked: How are u and ur family doing? ❤️

A: You are so very sweet for asking ❤️ We're all doing really good right now. My dad's surgery went great and he's cancer free and fully healed. My mom is on medication that's helped her a lot. Things are also looking up for my younger sister (she even got engaged this Christmas!). I'm stressed but for good reasons hahaha I'm very thankful and counting my blessings right now.

twistedchaos101 asked: Hey, what’s your MBTI?

A: I just retook the test and I got "INFJ-T Advocate" for myself :)

karura-senpai asked: Have u ever heard of these new bollywood movies like Animal and Dunki which are popular rn around the world because of instagram reels and tiktok videos...

A: I can't say that I have, I'm sorry! My Tiktok FYP is very niche so I don't see many things about movies on there.

edwinflores428 asked: E-vay, since you're also a Beatles enjoyer, did you hear the new Beatles song 'Now and Then'?

A: I had not known about this before you told me! I just listened to it and I really loved it. It has that beautiful, 60's-Beatles feel to me. Thank you so much for point it out to me!

Anon asked: What's your creative process when going into writing / planning for a comic? Apologies if this has been asked before.

A: I normally start by just jotting down any super rough concepts/quotes in my notes app. If the piece I'm doing involves stuff I don't know by heart (renaissance clothing or certain landscapes or anything like that) I'll work on gathering a TON of resource images. That way I'm not interrupting my drawing process by repeatedly stopping to look up references. I try to do it all up front and have it saved somewhere I can easily access.

Once I have more time, I'll write out the script in a Google Doc. I break up the script by each panel. I won't always have all the elements ready in my head, and sometimes I'll combine panels or separate them more, but I can always adjust:

Once I have a basic script, I can start to rough out the drawings/panels. These are just gestural drawings; I'm not looking to do anything too detailed here. I'm trying to figure out what best captures the emotions/energy of the scene and determine the natural flow of where your eyes will want to read the art and word bubbles:

Then I move on to the "pencils." This is my opportunity to nail down the expressions and flow. Sometimes I'll realize the page is imbalanced so I will redesign the panels so it has more even weight distribution or make it more dynamic/emotional. I always draw the characters in different colors so it can help me make sure I know what lines belong to which character:

Then it's on to all the fun stuff: Lines, coloring, shading and adding text!

I hope this answered your question! It's pretty straight forward :)

Anon asked: have you ever watched the anime fairy tail? if no i think sonamy fits the main couple NaLu (natsu x lucy) really well, like as if they’re similar 🫶🏻

A: I'm sorry, I've never seen it! I don't watch much anime anymore.

Anon asked: Can you make different characters(aka people sonic characters/oc) in your own style

A: When I'm open for commissions, yes! I am not open for commissions at the moment but I plan on doing that this year.

--

MISC SONIC ASKS

chrismantike asked: What’re your thoughts on longclaw (the owl from the sonic movie) does she exist in your AU as Sonic’s mom?

A: I liked the relationship we saw between Longclaw and baby Sonic in the movie, but I consider the movie as something entirely separate from the game/comic canon. I don't include any of the movie elements as part of my AU.

essycogany asked: What do you like most about Prime!Sonic?

A: Hmm, I think my favorite thing about him is how open he is with his emotions. In this show, he's very verbal about how much he cares about his friends and he doesn't hide it when he's sad or upset about something. In other media, Sonic has a habit of masking his emotions. I get that that's part of his personality, but it's nice to see this different side of him. (I also like how he showed more emotions in Frontiers, too!)

juli071023 asked: e-vay, what motivates you a lot about Sonic these years, why do you love it a lot, what motivates you about that character?

A: In the words of Young Neil, 'that's kind of a big question' haha. Simply put, the franchise just fuels me with excitement and joy and love! The character Sonic represents happiness and freedom and living in the moment and loving life to the fullest and I think that's such a great outlook to have. From a meta standpoint, I love how good the Sonic Team is to us fans. They engage with us regularly and put out SO MUCH CONTENT for us, more than any other franchise I'm aware of! I mean there are plenty of other great IPs out there, but you don't get the bombardment of games and shows and comics and social media engagement (etc) that you get with Sonic. I just think that's so cool! The fans love Sonic so much and the creators know that and reward us for our commitment. It's awesome.

Anon asked: So who do you think would win in a fight between Mario and Sonic

A: I gotta go with my boy Sonic! But of course it's better when they team up :D

Anon asked: How do you feel about the Dadow theory/au? As in Shadow being Silvers Dad. I honestly like it a lot.

A: If they're related, I think it makes more sense for Shadow to be Silver's grandpa or great grandparent. I think there are plot holes to say that he's directly his dad but I'm definitely open to them being related. Plus I think people can headcanon/au just about whatever they want, so I'm not against that theory :)

Anon asked: Hi e-vay, I hope you’re having a great day!! My question is: if there were to be a Sonic movie that’s only about Sonic and the guys but they were all being played by human actors, which actors do you think would suit them best?

A: Thank you so much, I hope you are too! Oh man this was so difficult but I put a ton of thought into it. And I'm sure there are still tons of actors I'm not thinking of who would be better, but here's what my gut tells me: Older Sonic: Max Greenfield [x] [x] or Jack Quaid [x] [x]. They're so witty and handsome and are built like runners! Younger Sonic: Jack Dylan Grazer Older Amy: Alison Brie. Even if it wasn't a live action movie, I so desperately wish that Alison Brie could be Amy's voice actor. I'm actually working on an animation where Amy is paired with some Alison Brie lines because I think it's such a perfect fit. She's sweet and funny and strong and sexy. She's on the petite side but she has that confidence that just commands a room. Ugh, Amy and Alison are my dream women 💖 Younger Amy: McKenna Grace Older Tails: Justice Smith or Cole Sprouse Younger Tails: Noah Jupe or Jacob Tremblay. Sorry, I don't know many young actors but I think they're both great! Older Knuckles: Terry Crews or Jason Momoa Younger Knuckles: Tyler James Williams [x] [x] Shadow: Jensen Ackles or Michael B Jordan 💖Swoon💖 Older Rouge: Ana de Armas or Charlize Theron Younger Rouge: Jenna Ortega or Sophie Turner

Anon asked: How old are the sonic boom characters in your opinion?

A: Firstly, I've said this before but I don't think Mobian age works the same as human age. I consider the Sonic Boom characters as all being what we'd consider as late teens or young adults. They all act like me and my friends did when were were college age haha

Anon asked: What do u think tails looked/acted during puberty🙂

A: That's what Tall!Tails is all about! I think he shot up in height and outgrew Sonic immediately. Maybe he got a bit more snarky and might mutter about how annoying it is that Sonic doesn't think things through before acting, but Tails is a sweetheart and I think he'd overall still be nice even while he's in that awkward stage of life.

--

MY OCs/AU ASKS

@redbirduniverse13 asked: Hi i love your art 💖 My question is, are your characters aware that other versions of them exist?

A: Thank you so much! No, they aren't aware of any other versions of them out there. Ruff would probably be most hopeful to meet other versions of himself since he's into comic books and would love the concept of the multiverse.

twistedchaos101 asked: What's your ocs MBTI?

A: I have too many OCs to do all of them lol But I'll do it for Aurora and CC. As Aurora, the results from the test were: "ENFP-T Campaigner" As CC, the results from the test were: "INTJ-A Architect"

Anon asked: Question, how is Aurora able to glow ?

A: Aurora has photokinesis, which gives her the ability to manipulate light. This results in a lot of things she's able to do that involve light, but glowing is the easiest thing for her to do (and is the hardest for her to suppress lol). She was born with these abilities but they didn't manifest until she was about preteen age.

charlieangel345 asked: You know everytime I saw Aurora glow up, her photokinesis power changes color. It made me wonder if she feel happy, angry, or sad, her light power might change colors. I can imagine she can create rainbow light.

A: Absolutely! Her powers are severely influenced by her emotions, so the color of her glow would definitely change based on her feelings. I have her inhibitors glow green naturally, but she could do any color under the light spectrum.

freshcreationgarden asked: I like to think Aurora's favorite fairytale growing up was beauty and the beast. Something about a handsome prince who hides beneath a rough exterior who believes they are not worthy of love who is bound to a "Rose"

A: Oh that is just too sweet! That metaphor is very perfect for what I write for her romantic future ;) I have said in a previous ask that Thumbelina is her favorite fairytale, but I like your headcanon too!

Anon asked: Hi, something randomly popped in my head about like the comics of aurora and I wondered, has aurora ever gotten sick?

A: Of course! She's just a regularly lady so she gets sick like average people do. I see her as the type that doesn't get sick often, but when she does it LAAAASTS. (That's how I am and it sucks!)

Anon asked: I know this might be a weird question, but can it be possible if Aurora can do chaos control with a chaos emerald like Sonic and Shadow.

A: I'll be honest, because we don't know much about Chaos Emeralds, I don't know who is capable of using them or not. But because Sonic is capable of using Chaos Control, I'm going to say yes Aurora should be able to as well. I don't think it's a technique either of them can master like Shadow does. Chaos Control seems second nature to Shadow.

Anon asked: if we go by sonic underground lore imagine Aurora finding out that she's technically a princess/duchess. Like sonic always call her princess because that's what dad's typically call their daughters, but then she finds out and her mind just explodes.

A: Honestly, I'm not a Sonic Underground fan. I know a lot of people love it for the nostalgia, but I didn't watch it growing up so I don't have any ties to it and I am not a fan of the story. I'm okay if people want to headcanon tying it in, but it's not for me.

*The next question is a Shadora Ask. Skip if you don't like Shadora*

Anon said: Hi, so glad you’re back! Just reread Boom!Baby where Rouge mentions how hedgehogs have a lot of babies and I think it’s kinda funny in the future Shadow and Aurora have eight

A: Thank you so much, I'm so happy to be back! Yeah, Rouge really knew what she was talking about 😆 I bet she told Shadow the same thing when they were expecting!

Anon asked: Does aroura ever run into her ex again?

A: Aurora spends most of her life in a small bubble, rarely leaving her home town, so she would have run into him now and then. Again though, they were kids when they were "boyfriend/girlfriend" and you can hardly even call them that (Imagine like in the Barbie movie, how Ken and Barbie don't know what it means to be Girlfriend-Boyfriend) so it's not awkward running into each other. It's more of a "Hey there's that person I used to know"

prophecyhyper asked: When Aurora was born and Amy said "She's more perfect than I imagined" What did she imagine of Aurora looking like?

A: She didn't have an exact image in mind when she said that. It was more like an amorphous concept. You know somehow the baby will look like you and your partner, but there are so many different outcomes. So she would have daydreamed about all the possibilities: the baby looking more like Sonic, the baby looking more like her, maybe the baby having elements of their grandparents.

Anon asked: Will Sage exist in your AU?

A: Yes! I adore Sage!

*The next question is a Shadora Ask. Skip if you don't like Shadora*

Anon asked: Hey Evay, I’ve been thinking about this lately. It’s kind of silly question. If there is a naughty and nice list, which of Shadora Kids is naughty or nice.

A: This was a great question and I'm so sorry I missed it before the holidays! This is all in fun, none of them got punished: Piper: Nice but ONLY after Santa had to give her a lecture on how she needs to not be a smartass and boss around her siblings Zane: Naughty (He did too many stunts indoors!) Nova: Nice Aster: Naughty (He and Blitz plotted to kidnap Santa) Blitz: Naughty (She finds it a point of pride) Diamond: Nice Cinder: Nice (He's scared of Santa) Boon: NICE! (He doesn't know the meaning of the word naughty!)

Anon asked: haven’t seen CC in a while, could we have more CC please

A: There will be more CC, I promise! :)

kbluetoons asked: Say, after reading your spindash lesson comic (which was really cute by the way), what if Aurora showed her kids how to spindash like how Sonic showed her?

A: Aw I'm so happy you liked it! Yes, learning to spin dash is vital to a hedgehog's upbringing ;) She'd teach them very young but then immediately regret it because they'd be spindashing all over the house. Now she knows why Sonic was so hesitant to teach her when she was little!

mod-bubamon asked: I know spooky season is over but how do cc and tails handle horror movies? Does cc Criticize every litter thing the protagonist do? Does tails even get scared after all he's been through? IF CC GETS SCARED DOES SHE HUGS TAILS TAILS FOR COMFORT??? THIS IS IMPORTANT

A: Hahaha I loved this question! First of all, Spooky Season is never over for me! ↜(ˈ╰ •ω•)╯ψ So bring on all your Halloweeny ideas! CC would not be fun to watch horror movies with. She would be overly analytical, not only of the actions that the victims are doing but how unrealistic the injuries/gore/battles are haha. I see Tails as someone who originally was afraid of scary movies, but watching them with CC has actually helped him to be less afraid of them. Now he spots the same flaws she does and they like to roast them together! Just to clarify -- CC does get scared of things, just not horror movies.

Anon asked: Hey, I rediscovered your art recently and almost forgot how much I loved it! I love CC and was wondering if you had any small head cannon kinda things you have for her and Tails you would share that you haven't already?

A: Well welcome back and thank you so very much! This question was not related to the previous question, but the previous question sparked an idea for me so I'm going to expand on it here. When Tails and CC first started watching horror movies together, CC noticed that Tails was super on edge. To help relax him, she'd take his tails into her lap and pet them to calm him down. He's not as scared of movies anymore, but he always has her stroke his tails while they watch shows together now :) Also, CC is still getting used to Mobian mannerisms and nuances. They've made a nightly routine where during dinner, she debriefs Tails on all the new conversations and interactions she's had with people and Tails scores her on how well she's adjusting. She likes the challenge and strives for a better "score" every day!

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SHIPPING ASKS

essycogany asked: How are you feeling about the new Sonamy material from this and last year? Things are really starting to become more obvious as the years go on.

A: It does my shriveled little heart so much good! I don't know that they'll ever cross that line in canon, but I love how much their relationship has evolved compared to years ago. It means the world to me that Sonic considers Amy as one of his best friends and as someone he can depend on (and is even willing to think about dating ((in reference to that cut dialog line from Frontiers)). And I love that Amy has proven that her feelings for Sonic are more than just a fan-crush; she genuinely loves him for who he is and will always be there for him. UGH IT MAKES ME FEEL SO ALIVE!

Anon asked: I just wanted to say that I love love love your sonamy works! :D Absolutely adorable (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧ Also, only if you want to answer ofc, what are your thoughts on the ship Metamy (Metal Sonic and Amy)? Thank you for the lovely food you bring and have a wonderful day!

A: Oh gosh, thank you so much! You just made my day wonderful by this sweet message! I do ship Metamy! After all, I believe in my heart of hearts that Sonic has feelings for Amy and Metal Sonic is supposed to be the same as him... ^_~ I think despite his transgressions, Amy has a special place in her heart for Metal. He's one of the reasons she even met Sonic in the first place! But what I'd prefer most is for Metal Sonic to have a Metal Amy. That way everybody wins 💕

Anon asked: Hi e-vay I love ur dr who art!! Question, do tenrose remind you of sonamy? Or do any characters or couples from the whoverse remind you of any sonic character or couples?

A: Ahhh thank you so much! I always thought my Doctor Who art got lost in the void so I'm so glad you found it! TenRose is my favorite DoctorWho ship, so I think by law I have to relate them to sonamy haha. But honestly I think RoryXAmyPond suits sonamy more if you reverse the roles. Rory's absolute dedication to AmyPond--regardless of death--was the definition of love, and that's how I feel Amy Rose is for Sonic. I can't think of any other ships that are good parallels. River Song reminds me of Rouge just that she's savvy and flirty. Forgive me, I stopped watching after Eleven regenerated so I'm not up to date on anything. If you don't like the Shadora ship then don't click this link, but I have drawn Aurora and Shadow as Ten and Rose before :)

Anon asked: Werehog Sonic and Werehog Amy kiss meme or a mini comic about both kissing in their werehog forms?

A: I kind of already drew that :) It's the 10th drawing in this post.

*The next question is a Shadora Ask. Skip if you don't like Shadora*

penguin-evere asked: hello! this is my first time doing something like this. i've loved your art for a while now (probably since 2017-2018), and i love the new style you have! anyways, i wanted to ask if you've seen the frontiers twitter takeover, and the newfound information about shadow's secret like of some good ol' t. swizzle music, and was curious if aurora would be a fan too, and if they would go to a concert together! i think it'd be really cute.

A: Thank you so much! And I'm so relieved you still like my stuff even after all this time :) Aurora loves pop music and so yeah I could see her being a Taylor fan for sure. Although I don't take Swifty!Shadow as canon (lol) it is still fun to think they could bond over that music together!

*The next question is a Shadora Ask. Skip if you don't like Shadora*

Anon asked: what was the shadora confession like? Cause I like to imagine that it was shadow who confessed and that he did it in the most dramatic way possible, cause he's our drama king.

A: I don't want to reveal too much until I've properly drawn it, but yes for my stories Shadow would confess his love first. He's technically loved her longer since he met her when she traveled back in time to save him so once they've "re-met" I don't think he'd be willing to hide his feelings too long. It's Shadow so of course it has to be so romantic and dreamy~!

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ASKS RE: MY GAME

Anon asked: How did you make the Trick Or Sweet Halloween Game, can you show me what you used or did to make it? If you can do a step by step that would be helpful or just tell me how you did it that would be helpful:))

A: Oh man... Honestly, it was way too complicated of a project to explain in just one answer. And I won't be able to explain any of the technical/coding side. I watched so many tutorials but I just couldn't grasp it, so my husband had to code it for me and I have no idea how he managed it. From a non-technical standpoint, I had to first write out the script for it. That means writing out all the dialog and also writing out every option possible. Even though my game was fairly linear, this was still complicated to write. What helped me was using icons and colors to help me know which actions would lead to which outcomes:

Then came the longest part, the drawing! I had to draw a variety of sprites and backgrounds and objects. Also, some of the actions you take make certain items go away, so I had to remember to hide them depending on the path you took. Once I had all the elements, I assembled them in a Slides presentation to test it out. If you're not doing anything too complicated, you could probably get away with making your game entirely in Google Slides. Mine was too complicated and I wouldn't be able to publish it to my website but it was good for testing. When it was ready for build, I had to make a comprehensive guide for Ryan showing what clicks lead to where, what sound effects should be played when, when the music tracks should switch, etc:

He programmed it in Adobe Animate. I don't know how he did it, other than he's just a brilliant babe and I thank god for him lol

Anon asked: Just at a curiosity though, whatever happened to everyone (especially Sonic & Amy) AFTER your truth serum wore off from your ‘Trick or Sweet Adventure’? Also how about Shadow & Rouge? Did they get affected as well?

A: They lived happily ever after, of course! If the two just told each other how they felt then they'd be happy (in my opinion) so they just needed a little magical kick in the butt haha. I didn't have any plans for Shadow or Rouge, but if I could cast a spell to make them happy then I would give Rouge a throne of diamonds and Shadow the chance to ease the pain in his heart (Ｔ▽Ｔ)

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Thank you all for the questions!

Evay QA Bulk Post 1

Evay QA Bulk Post 2

[dee-in-the-box]

so. thought a little too hard about my headcanons for Dsaf 3. and now i'm a bit sad. so now y'all get some!

Jack listening to Henry's tapes and getting about...five more reasons to want to tear that man to shreds. at lest three of them involved Dave. the other two involve Dee and himself.

Dee first coming out of her box in The Flipside looking like the Puppet, but then shifting into looking like herself again when she sees Jack. and then shifting into the Puppet again when the fight starts. just. my Dee shapeshifting headcanon <3 (basically, after she died, Dee could shift her ghostly appearance into being either the Puppet or a ghostly version of herself)

Jack looking at Blackjack and just seeing a younger version of himself, frozen in time. this young man in his early twenties, his whole life ahead of him, who had all of that ripped away from him cruelly. his sister. his brother. himself. all by the same man. reduced to a snarling ball of rage, who wants nothing more than to rip Henry to shreds where he stands. the only reason he hasn't done so is because he's been convinced that doing so won't truly set him free. when Fredbear told Jack that, despite the souls desiring vengeance, killing their killer would not set them free, Blackjack took that to mean that it wouldn't set him free either. he's been stewing in his rage and grief for decades, neither feeling ever subsiding in that time. if anything, his rage has only increased. he lost everything because of Henry. why wouldn't he be angry? and so, if everyone else must move on, and leave him there to guard Henry and make sure he doesn't cause any problems, alone, then he will.

Jack finally helping to set him free, looking his younger self in the eyes and saying maybe that means that killing Henry is the one thing that will set him free. and even if it isn't...well, he needs to be dealt with, anyway. what if he gets out and causes problems again? just...Jack looking at Blackjack and feeling both like he's looking at a window into the past, yet also like he's looking at a different person entirely. because he and Blackjack are separate people, technically. but it's also him looking at himself.

Jack holding Dave's hand as they confront Henry, and squeezing it a little bit reassuringly. Dave tightening his grip as he gets more stressed.

Peter's death in the Henry fight being the thing that makes Jack say that their anger pushes them harder, and Dee's death leading to the line "We're gonna fuckin' FLAY you alive, Henry!" from Jack...like. just imagine how enraged he probably sounded, seeing Dee go down again. do you think it reminded him of the day she died? the day he went back to the diner to find her and bring her home, only for him to keep calling out for her and looking for her as the horror dawned on him that he couldn't find her? do you think that's what was running through his mind?

Jack and Dave reaching the end, and jack admitting that he can't go with them. Blackjack interjecting that...there is something they can try. no guarantee that it'll work, but it's worth a shot. Blackjack can try to fuse back together with him; not necessarily the same thing as shoving someone's soul back into their body, which is a big no no, apparently, but maybe a piece of him will break off, and it'll become Jack's soul. maybe them fusing will trick the universe into thinking Jack has a soul. who knows, but hopefully it'll work. and it does. Jack, by some miracle, gets his own soul out of this in a way that'll allow Blackjack to still exist. he also gets Free Afterlife Top Surgery™, because at this point he deserves it. he's been through so much shit.

at the end of the fire, Jack just looks at Dave and Blackjack and says "Come on, guys. Let's go home."

i just. aaaaaaAAAAAAAAA-

also, some Afterlife headcanons for y'all:

Peter: "Jackie, with all due respect, you have the weirdest taste in men." Jack just hanging out with Dave in the corner: "Peter, wtf-"

Steven just immediately laid down on the floor of the Afterlife and slept for a while. he was. So Fucking Tired.

Jack: "Okay, therapy circle time-" Dave: "Absolutely not, we don't have time to unpack all that." Jack: "Dave, we have nothing BUT time to unpack all of that-"

Peter and Caroline reunion <3

[the-ace-with-spades]

My local ambulance trust has opened applications for EMTs and I'm applying

Nursing's been so bad lately

Not only with my colleagues being casually transphobic but also because we're so short-staffed that every shift I finished I just feel guilty because I couldn't give the care I want to my pts. The management says we're target-staffed and don't want to do anything, we have 8-10 new admissions every day on a unit with 40 beds and the NIC can barely keep up, the agency staff they bring in to fill up team vacancies while no one applies to permanent job posts (because our unit is heavy and high-dependency and no one wants to work there) is rude and mean at best, incompetent at worst. They don't do much aside from meds, obs and notes, and even that I can see is sometimes not done properly. When you try to help them, they ignore you or go off on you like you don't know what you're saying, when you don't, they either get angry or don't care for the pts properly.

I haven't had a day at work I didn't have to make a datix in months, and every time I feel like I'm snitching on someone even if I know bad and inadequate care needs to be reported for safety. We had a pt with a short-term catheter in for two months because I kept on saying to check the notes for the insertion date because it sounds fishy and no one did. Had a pt transported to respiratory CU because obs were ignored and not repeated, the doctor not notified. End of life pts lying without moving for hours because people keep saying I don't have time, they're going to die anyway. What the fuck?

Every time I go work outside my unit, I feel like I have a holiday, even if I book a shift in ICU or ED, and they're supposed to be the hellholes of our hospital. I wish I could switch to ED but they aren't hiring permanents atm and I need to work full-time.

We had some new junior doctors coming in who are brilliant which at least helped me not feel like the consultants are not listening to me (had so many errors from them lately, too, and it's hard to interact with them when they question everything you tell them like you don't know what you're talking about) but I know they're going to be temporary. My favorite band 6s are retiring. My anxiety tells me my band 7s don't like me (not true, probably, but lately I'm just tired and have a lot of conversations where I just feel like they think I'm just complaining/venting...). So many people are leaving the unit and many of them were basically the ones that held the place together with their positive attitudes.

The advice I got from my colleagues was to take holidays and relax and you know what? I took some and my grandma had a stroke so yeah, I was so relaxed. I'm running on fumes.

To add insult to injury, my local Tesco is offering more pay for night-shift workers than I get for day shifts atm.

If I work ambulance, at least I won't feel like I'm constantly disappointing my pts, like I could've done more. Just one pt at the time (mostly) and partners that are permanent team members or bank and no one from an agency that won't care ever again. Sure, my pay will go down for a little bit, but it's so worth not feeling guilty every day.

I love nursing but it's just mentally exhausting for someone who actually cares. I'm tired of hearing agency nurses say they just nursing so they could get an easy UK visa or nurses who say they got into nursing because they didn't get into medicine. I just want to work in an environment where I know people from my team have my back and work with the same mentality about our goals.

If I could've, I'd have switched to fire service but I'm still waiting for my eye surgery and can't apply for at least a year. I just need out of where I'm working atm fast or I'm going to go crazy.

[garden-eel-draws]

from here

I guess I'm going reverse chronologically through my tabs.

Fun fact: novocaine/lidocaine don't work very well on me either. We learned that when I was like five years old and fell off a slide and needed stitches in the back of my head. They tried to numb the area first before putting the stitches in, but it basically didn't do anything so I kicked the ER doctor in the stomach so hard they needed to get a new doctor (and two grown men to hold me down while they actually anesthetized it properly so I wouldn't take anyone else down in the process).

I know a bunch of med reactions like that are genetic and a lot more common in certain ethnic groups, but I totally forget all of them for local/topical anesthetics like those except that it's surprisingly common for that same thing to happen in redheads (which I learned from a redhead friend with the same problem).

I had the same thing happen at the dentist too, but then at some point I found a great dentist who actually listened to me when I told him about it. He said most people don't target all the different nerve clusters in the mouth because it's usually not necessary, but he'd make sure to get all of them, give me a bit more than usual, and wait a little longer for it to kick in...and it actually worked for once!

So yeah, there are ways to work around it, and I've had good luck with anesthesiologists for stuff like colonoscopies when they were trying to figure out my GI problems. They managed to knock me right out, and I never felt or remembered a thing, so I'm pretty confident there are people out there who can actually do it right for surgery too, but it's worth talking to them ahead of time and making sure you feel comfortable with them actually acknowledging what you tell them and taking it seriously if you ever get to that point.

As far as any Surgeries of Trans Your Gender go for me though, I'm personally more worried that I heal really slowly from even minor injuries, and that I'd die from an infection or something during the extended healing process if I slip into not being able to take care of myself well enough, but I'll jump off that bridge if and when I come to it (and I swear I thought these were going to be shorter if I didn't need to explain why I was sending random asks like the first time)

Huh. Maybe if I ever have money, I can shop around for a doctor that would listen. The guy who took my wisdom teeth out kept telling me that he'd stop mid-surgery if I didn't stop screaming and ignored me every time I managed to stop screaming long enough to beg him for more anesthetic, so that admittedly colored my opinion of the whole profession...

And yeah, the post-surgery healing thing also worries me. My grandmother and mother not only walked off epidurals and (grandma only) woke up paralyzed and in agony during major surgery, but I've also seen the amount of pain, time, and incredible maintenance care that it takes to heal after something like a mastectomy. My grandmother got one for cancer reasons and she had to have the area drained and had to take all kinds of meds for it, etc. I'm a disabled guy with memory issues and mobility problems who chronically forgets to eat (and thus has diet deficits I can't afford to have diagnosed that screw with my healing) so like...maybe putting up with the mild dysphoria and irritation of being constantly misgendered is worth it in my case? At least for the time being, anyway. Maybe 10 years on I'll be chewing the drywall every time someone calls me the wrong thing and I'll be beyond these fears ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[marcholasmoth]

OSRR: 3111

what the fuck is this update

i don't like it at all. i'm a grumpy old man. get off my lawn.

the rest is basically tw: surgery.

anyway, todays been alright. it started out rough. but since up from my nap once i got home from surgery, i've mostly been fine. not looking forward to the nerve block wearing off but i'm excited for feeling back in my arm.

my tummy has been unhappy all day, pretty much. i asked for a tuna sandwich when i came out from under anesthesia, and the nurse laughed and said, "we don't have that, but woke goldfish work?"

i think i replied "FUCK yeah."

i didn't feel too silly, but i can't control my expressions and my filter was down, so i'm sure they got a kick out of it all.

i'm just excited to sleep. there's a lot that happened today in terms of the surgery because there was more wrong in my shoulder than they expected. they fixed the labrum but found that the pain on the back of my shoulder was being caused by my bicep that attaches there - it was hanging on by only a few fibers, but i've had this injury for so long that they couldn't do anything about it except disconnect them. if a doctor has listened me at literally any other point when i've seen one about this, they could've reconnected it and fixed it. but because no man doctor will listen to the cries of pain from a teenage girl because god fucking forbid she knows what her body is telling her, nobody ever looked. they said physical therapy would take care of it. they said it was just in my head and nothing was wrong. the last one, at age 24, said "oh it's loose, but it shouldn't be a problem." that was when i was working at the cafe and my arm subluxed at work and bruised the head of the bone. he saw an MRI. he looked at x-rays. and still, "oh it'll be fine."

no, you incompetent fucks. i have been INJURED. for SIXTEEN YEARS. (i redid the math; turns out i was 14, not 13, when it happened.)

i'm glad someone finally fixed it. now to keep it immobile for at least a month.

anyway, i'm upset, hungry, thirsty, and exhausted, but i'm relieved that i decided to go through with it even though i very nearly called it off because i couldn't handle the IV. like it's a damn good thing they tell you to not eat before you go in, because i would've tossed my cookies all over that bed. it's never been that bad before. even the MRI dye thing was better than this. this was a disaster and i very neatly called everything off. but i reasoned myself out of the nausea and said "let's get this done" and that was that. there was some gas and i was told to do some deli breaths which i couldn't do and i was out before i counted to five lol. and then i was waking up.

besides the part immediately after being discharged and heading home, i've been good with walking and taking care of myself. i took a nap around noon and woke up around 2, so that helped a lot.

but basically i've kept a chipper mood pretty much all day. i'm pretty sure i'm not gonna take the meds they gave me because i don't want to be sick every day, so we grabbed the tylenol and plopped it next to me.

i miss joel but i've been so in and out of it today that i didn't even think about it until i was signing my valentine's day cards for people. joel's is the neatest and the most legible out of the four i got.

anyway i'm tired and i'm gonna finish everything i wanna do.

[thatwaywardwolf]

Well, it's been quite a while, hasn't it? 2022 is trickling to an end soon, thankfully, and a lot has happened.

First, I'm still here. I haven't gone anywhere and I'm surprised that I'm still getting foot traffic here. It's sparse, but it's there. So, for all the new comers, welcome. For all the old timers, thank you for still sticking around. I haven't posted much at all this year and I'm not sure when I'll make it a thing to post regularly again in spite of my earlier comments that I'd put in a bigger effort.

This year has been monumentally rough and because of that, I've taken a big gap with my practice and I can't really remember the last time I've engaged much with it. I actually made my first offering in what I think has been a few months just half an hour ago. It feels nice, especially with the rain. It's something I would like to do more often, but having a new cat has made it hard since she's taken a serious liking to the altar and we have to keep her from climbing on it - which has been stressful on my end.

I'm doing my best to get by, which I guess is all that matters and I know this is something that we as a community talk about a fair amount when it comes to spiritual burnout and the importance of making your needs a priority. The Gods aren't going anywhere anytime soon, so take time to focus on your own healing - they understand.

I feel like with where I'm at, I feel my relationship with the Gods has matured enough to a point where we can exchange glances from across the room and it be enough. The whole "Hey, I see you and we're good" thing, which feels more natural with Thor to me than anything else. I'm listening to a general devotional playlist I made again for the first time in months and it feels nostalgic in a way, like the warmth of a nice cup of coffee and a knit sweater. It's also a bit strange because songs that remind me of them (especially Thor) has been spread out more.

I mentioned it months ago with how sometimes, I'll look at a certain friend and somehow, I think about the gods; like how her mischievousness is the delight of Loki, her passion for art and music would make Odin and Bragi proud, her protective and loyal golden retriever energy is so much like what I've found in Thor, how fiercely badass she is and loves others (including her own healing) feels like Freyja, her love of life and compassion with death feels like the presence of Hel, and so on. That whole thing.

So now, if I hear a certain song that I connected to Thor over, I'm also reminded of her and how important she is to me. It's indescribable to be able to have that level of a connection to someone or something, and how it feels like overtime it's just aged like a great wine - and it's going to continue doing that. I hope that, if I'm able to, I can bridge those old connections again with the gift giving cycle and do more to get out in nature. I haven't gone on a long walk in a while and getting lost in the woods by our creek sounds nice now.

All that aside, this year has been full of change and stress: some of it good, some of it bad. It's been a tedious and intense process with doing all kinds of processing and recovery, and I don't think I'd be where I am now without her and my good friends to help me keep my head above the water. I'm still struggling, but they've been so patient, kind, and affirming with me - even if things like paranoia tell me they aren't, and they've said they notice an improvement in me that I'm learning more and getting better. It's basically been a lot with trauma recovery, getting diagnosed with PTSD, (likely) fibro, and I should be getting a call back this week regarding getting tested for ADHD.

Yeah, 2022 has been a lot. It's had so good though, quite a bit, actually. I've worked on more art this year alone than I have any other, I've made so many friends and built up a found family, I, of course have a new cat, and I'm hoping to have my top surgery consultation next year after struggling with coverage and paperwork problems for two years.

But, I'll leave things at that for now. I hope that everyone stays safe the rest of the year and if things haven't been going well, that the next two months treat you well. For those that celebrate it, have a great and safe Halloween, Día de los Muertos, and Samhain with those you love - even if they've departed. Just in case I don't get to say it in December, have a meaningful winter / summer solstice wherever you are. May 2023 treat you kinder than this year has.

Until next time,

Adam.

[tumbloggingattheendofitall]

So I didn't really talk about my conclusions from basically directly ingesting the entire series of SPN over the course of a month but that's mostly just because like. It didn't actually change my opinions on the things that mattered to me by the time I'd stepped away from it back in high school. Like listen ok

I slammed so hard into SPN from sophomore to senior year (2012-2014 basically) that when I want being met with whatever the hyper fixation of the week was, you can bet your ass I was loading up on SPN any way I could get it, including borrowing friends' Netflix accounts to watch. I worked So Hard to catch up on the show in the months leading up to season 10 specifically, because I was hyped at how close I was to being caught up and able to watch Live ok so I did the thing

And I was so disappointed in the Fanfiction episode that I couldn't handle it and then the next episode was Rowena centric but in the Standardly-Supernatural-misogynistic method, that I couldn't keep watching. I think I held on for dear life through 10x08 before I couldn't take it anymore

I lived and breathed the fandom only to throw it into the deepest darkest closet, so much so that the only thing that could actually convince me to pick it up again was the confluence of my surgery date+recovery period, mixed with seeing a Take about it that gave me Feelings so I Had To Check Myself bc this person was giving an analysis from the perspective of actually having watched the ship go down in the glorious pyrotechnic display that was November 2015 ok and I didn't have that so I needed the understanding of that missing seasons

I think I came away actually agreeing with them but tbf I can't actually remember the Take itself, so much as my burning annoyance about it

And like the thing is, just as any piece of media can hold whatever a fan wants to put into or take out of it, SPN can do that. But given it's unique length and relationship with the viewer (both perceived/aspirational and Actual) it has a Lot of extra length on that rope

Idk I just. I don't think I've ever been so disarmed by all the ways something could've been Good, or even just marginally better, which would fundamentally have made it Not The Thing

I don't think Destiel could've had this staying power, I didn't think @whyissupernaturaltrending could exist, I don't think the media landscape as we know it today could be at all the same if, underneath it all, Supernatural had been anything more than the trash fire it turned into. And I will agree wholeheartedly with everyone who says that the show rebounded in the last 3 or so seasons because, having mainlined it for a month straight, I can certainly tell you that even the perfect arc of seasons 1-5 cannot really compare to the depth and monstrosity that seasons 12 on wrought. And even still, there's plenty of it that simply couldn't have happened at all if that complicated relationship with the viewer had been replaced with something else like. It's got everything it's got because of all of these things and that's why I love it the same as I hate it and why I'm never taking notes on my opinions on this show lol

[bortbytingen]

I'm currently suffering from Autistic Burnout and I've been trying what I can to get some kind of support for months. I wasn't sure if I should write anything about this here, but decided that I need to word some of my frustrations with being sent around and no one really willing (or able) to help.

26 Sep 2023 - Medicine review at my Community Mental Health Team (I'm diagnosed with autism, adhd and ptsd, and take adhd medications). This was my first time to this specific CMHT, so the doctor went through a questionnaire. While there, I mentioned to him that I've had many bad experiences in the past and that it takes a lot for me to open up. The doctor apologises and hopes I'll find it better here. When the question comes about hurting myself or self-termination, I'm honest and tell him about my exhaustion, decline in abilities and that I've had "dissociative walks" (I walk around and I'm aware, but also not, I don't feel anything and I can't control where I'm going and so on. I usually can't speak then either) and that one of them almost ended with me jumping off a cliff. To this, he just hummed and then continued with other questions. This plus some other things didn't make me feel very seen or listened to.

28 Sep 2023 - Appointment at my GP surgery to ask for help and get a sick note. The GP I met was great and seemed to understand me. She was the first one ever thanking me for giving her a letter and didn't mind written communication or my way of experience emotions in colours. I got a sick note and a date for a follow up appointment.

12 Oct 2023 - Follow up appointment. The GP I met was sick and I got to see another who literally made me cry. He might be good with other things, but he absolutely do not know how to handle autistic people with mental health issues.

16 Nov 2023 - Appointment with my GP surgery's Mental Health Nurse. The meeting in itself was ok. Got a referral to the Primary Mental Health Support Services and to some course by Mind. I was supposed to get an email with link and notes of what we had talked about, but I never did (and yes, I checked spam and that they have the right email address).

3 Jan 2024 - Triage appointment at Primary Mental Health Support Services (PMHSS). They are a resource aid and doesn't have any support themselves, but the triage nurse at least acknowledge that autistic people require adapted support and adapted therapy for it to work and not risk being harmful (first time someone ever admitted that to me). I later got a letter that summarised the meeting and with links to help: online CBT, online self-help resources and contact details to the Integrated Autism Services. Online CBT: My symptoms is too severe to be accepted and I was told to contact my GP for more correct support (so back to square one). Online self-help resources: Very basic. Nothing new and nothing geared towards autism. NHS Autism Services: Eventually e-mailed them, although they seem to prefer phone calls, which I'm unable to make. Another Autism Service: I've contacted them before and they never answered.

23 Jan 2024 - Meeting with Mind. They were uncertain what to do help me, so the person I met wanted to talk to their supervisor and then we'd meet the next week. Due to me later realising I already had two big meetings that week, I emailed and asked if we could rebook that appointment. I still haven't received and answer from them.

20 Feb 2024 - Got an email from the NHS based Autism Services (AS) and all it contained was links to National Autistic Society and to their own website. Both being places I've checked several times before.

As of today, 21 Feb 2024, I still haven't received any actual support. I have no one that can help me. I've tried to find an advocate, but have so far not succeeded. All that has happened is that I feel completely ignored and unseen, and I seem to keep having a decline in my life skill abilities as well as my abilities to speak. I live with a friend, but she isn't doing well herself and can't join me for meetings due to her working, but she does make phone calls for me now and then. Unfortunately, our relationship is a bit strained atm due to her new roommate (a friend of hers) that I don't get along with. AS was basically my last hope and that didn't go exactly well, so now I'm not sure how to proceed. I don't even know if I have energy to proceed at all anyway.

[jam1ru]

" HE AND SHE "

Hillis' POV

I'm in love with my bestfriend. Yes. That's right. We have been bestfriends since childhood. We basically grew up together. But, how can I not fall for him? The way he treat me is beyond the charts. For instance, he listens to me whenever I have problems. He's never hesitant to show how much he cares for me. He's a gentleman. He's basically the standard of the standards. He doesn't know that I have feelings for him. Well, I plan to confess to him. We are going to stroll around the city. I can't wait!

I got ready and put on my best dress. I made sure that I would look decently elegant. But not to the point where it'll be obvious that I glammed up a bit for him. I'm excited but still nervous. I mean, I'm going to confess to my bestfriend. I will be risking our friendship for this! Well, if he doesn't look at me the same way that I do, then I'll try to make him like me.

I arrived at our meeting place. There were cars everywhere. Buildings standing tall. Many people roaming around. Ah, this beuatiful scenery. I took a picture of it because, why not?But, it is a bit strange. He usually arrives first whenever we decide to meet-up. Was I too excited? Oh well. I'll just use my time to practice confessing. As I was practicing, I felt something stabbing in my chest. Weird. Probably because I'm nervous. But isn't this a bit too much for nervousness?

"Hill!"

"Ax! What took you so long?"

"Sorry I had to pick up someone. I want you to meet her!"

"Her?'

Taking it as a cue, a girl showed up behind Ax. She gave me a warm, soft smile.

"Hill, meet Everia - I'm currently courting her. Everia, meet Hill - my childhood bestfriend"

"Hi Hill, nice to meet you!"

My world dropped.

"Hi, nice to meet you too! Jeez Ax, how long have you been courting her? I didn't know you had it in you."

"It has been going around now for 6 months. I haven't told you anything because I knew you would tease me"

I felt a tingly sensation around my throat, then suddenly I started to cough.

"Hill, are you ok?"

I need to get out of here. But that would be too rude.

"Ah.. yes, I'm fine. Then, where shall we go?"

The day passed by so quickly. The three of us went around the city, chattering all about the most random stuff. Everia is a fun girl to be with. I could see why and how Ax fell for her. But still, it hurts. It hurts me physcially and emotionally. Ever since then, I kept coughing flower petals covered in blood. I went to the doctor as this condition is mine is pretty unusual. I was told that I have hanahaki disease wherein you cough flower petals covered in blood whenever you experience unrequited love. If this prolongs, it could lead to death. There is a solution, you can undergo through surgery however your feelings for that person will also be removed. I don't know how that works but if I have to choose, I would not let anyone take my feelings away from him. This feeling I have for him is something I hold special. This is something I hold dearly. Because of him, my dull life became colorful. He was there for me, always. I never and will never regret loving a wonderful person like him.

Years have passed and we are now in our mid-20s. I still have the disease - yes I did not give up my feelings for him. However, that would also mean that my coughs became even more serious, and the petals I cough out are covered with even more blood.

I have an agenda for today, and I don't want to miss it. I dress up into a cute, white dress with my back exposed. I mean, I'm still allowed to look cute right? I curled my hair and did my make-up. I wore my favorite heels and put on my diamond necklace. The uber I booked arrived and now I am good to go.

I arrived at a church near our district. Gosh, thankfully it hasn't started yet. I went to my seat in front and then it started.

The music played. The ceremony started with a little girl throwing petals. A few guests were entering one by one but that's not the point. And there she is, the most beautiful person in this venue. She is dressed up in a white, luxurious gown. Her face covered with a white veil, holding a white boquet of flowers. Yes, I am at a wedding. If you want me to be more specific, I am at Everia and Axion's wedding. As I looked at Ax's expression. I felt glad. I'm happy that he is happy. I'm glad that he found his one and only.

I ignore the painful tingling of my throat. I ignore the heavy feeling of my chest.

As I hear them exchange their vows, the painful sensation lingering in my chest intensifies. And there it is...

"I now pronounce you husband and wife"

He and She, are now wed.

The couple shared a loving kiss.

It is official.

Ah. I think this is a bit too much for me.

I excused myself to the restroom, as I couldn't handle the pain. Luckily, no one else was in there. I locked the door and released it all of my pain. My tears. My blood. I released it all. After coughing, I was surprised to see a bud of flower, covered in blood laying on my hand.

Ah, I guess it is time now huh?

I washed myself up and made sure that no traces were left. I left the restroom and hurriedly went back to the church to congratulate my dear friends personally. It would be rude of me to just disappear out of nowhere.

As I rush back inside, I felt a throbbing pain of my chest. No. This is not the time yet. I need to go back. But I can't. I couldn't breathe. I'm suffocating. I tried to bring myself back to where Jax and Everia are but I couldn't. I bumped into someone and my body collapsed.

"Hill! Hill! Hillis! Are you ok!? What happened!? I'm looking everywhere for you!"

Ah. Out of all people, why him.

"Hillis, hang in there alright?!"

I couldn't breathe. I couldn't see. I couldn't answer.

"Hill... there is a thorned rose...covered in... blood... are you perhaps-"

I touched the man's face. Without thinking, I...

"....Thank....you.., Ax,,,, I'm ,.... sorry..."

He went for me.

She went for him.

He and She were the last people I don't want and want to see in this moment.

My hand dropped. And everything went black.

"HILLIS!!!"

-- THE END --

[aizenat]

Not you saying there's nothing about you being negative when you search your name as if posts about you dismissing male victims of abuse just to support a problematic white woman and other users calling you out pls 💀

Listen, this was really fun for a while, but you're making me have to be serious, which obviously isn't fun. So let me read you a bit.

First off, you're lying. Your "posts about you dismissing male victims of abuse" claim isn't a thing at all. The closest thing to a call out post re: me that you'll be able to find in my tag is someone putting me on a block list with random people and ZERO explanation of why. On top of that, that very person has a reputation of making random blocklists for people, and putting them on there despite them being generally left-leaning social liberals who would agree with them on anything. Searching that person's url will bring that up in two seconds. These posts you're pretending to say exist literally don't.

I also know you're lying because never have I ever on my page "dismissed male victims of abuse." If you're trying to reference how I speak out against how Amber Heard was publicly harassed by her abusive ex-husband last year, I don't know what to tell you. I mean, you're trying to defend a loser drunk who has a long history of preying on young and vulnerable women/girls, as well as abuse and violence, who literally texted his friend how he wanted to violently murder her for giggles. I've seen abuse victims deal with that trauma in a lot of ways, and never have I seen one do something like that. Seen plenty of abusers do that, though.

Whether or not Amber Heard is "problematic," it doesn't mean she is incapable of being a victim of abuse and/or misogyny. Implying her being "problematic" immediately means she can't be a victim of these things plays into the perfect victim mindset that literally kills women because, remember, a perfect victim is a dead victim. If a cop racially profiled Kanye West tomorrow and shot and killed him, we would still be upset over the racism of that action despite Kanye being...like that. Someone can hold disgusting views and you can still be disgusted with the way they are oppressed. If Amber not being a perfect victim means she can't be a victim of abuse to you, then that really shows how immature and unintelligent you are. Someone can harbor disgusting views and still be part of a marginalized identity and be a victim to being marginalized. The only way you can say that's not the case is if you believe women are not oppressed. And if we can't even agree on that, then please leave my page because I don't deal with anti-feminists in any capacity.

And to my last point, I really want you to think long and hard about why you decided to take this here over a tag on a fucking gifset. I didn't add to the post, I didn't find the man (whoever he is) to harass him, I didn't go on twitter or online sites where he'd likely see these comments to say this; it was just a random thought I had and wanted to share. The man obviously had work done, at least botox. That's just straight facts. If that annoyed you, a simple unfollow or block would do. If you wanted to send one "hey, that was shitty of you" ask on your way out, then fine.

But you spent all day basically going through my blog looking for things to criticize. You talked about wanting to see what I looked like, obviously so you mock me. You're in my inbox lying about what is being said about me in order to make it seem like I'm some monster. I'm just a random person on tumblr, the least influential social media site, shitposting in my spare time. That's it. There was no reason to take this to this point.

And this is what I mean about the way kpoppies make this not fun. I couldn't reblog something and add something cheeky in the tags without being harassed? All of this over "#idk who this man is but his plastic surgery is very distracting and ugly looking#you get work done then wanna load up on Botox why?" Really? I said a man's botox looked ugly and that warrants you trying to make me look like some horrible person who hates abuse victims or something? Does that even make sense? "Oh, this person dunked on my bias' botox: SHE MUST HATE AND DISMISS ABUSE VICTIMS!"

Like, hello? It's just kpop. It's a billion dollar industry that fuels overworking, eating disorders, body dysmorphia, depression and anxiety, capitalism and consumerism, racism, and misogyny. It doesn't need your defending. And if you decided you didn't like me just for insulting him, that's fine too. You don't need to do that thing where you try to make me "problematic" (I'm not lol) so you can justify it; it's okay to just not like people sometimes. My feelings are not hurt. You are not the first to dislike me, nor will you be the last.

I get that it's the internet and it's easy to not consider the problematic thinking and action patterns that you're engaging in, but when you find yourself rabidly going through someone's page to find "dirt," making up lies about people talking about/calling them out, and sending out hate messages after hate messages, then it's time to log off and take a step back. If you believe yourself to be a good person, and I'm sure you do, then now is a time for self reflection. Be a little self aware. Is this what good people who wish to spread positivity do? Do they send hate anons to strangers all over someone wanting to be a hater for a minute?

So I'm going to turn off anonymous messaging and put you in a bit of a time out so you can calm down and think about how inappropriate you're being. I don't take abuse lightly as I am very familiar with it, and so I will not tolerate you trying to use it as a gotcha all over a fucking gifset of a few kpop idols. One day, I hope you remember your actions today and cringe at how ridiculous you were being. And I really hope you're currently at an age where you'd be able to laugh and think "what a dumb child I was."

[servin-up-surveys]

survey #096

(taken january 1st; uploading surveys taken while gone)

What is the best part of your life? I don't like that this is my answer, but Girt. Still working on my favorite part of my life being just myself and who I am and stuff...

Do you care about gun laws? I care VERY fucking much about gun laws and how fucking necessary it is to make firearms SO much less accessible.

Would you ever consider getting a facial piercing? I've had multiple and want to get my nostril re-pierced. Possibly some around my eye area IF I ever don't need glasses at some point in the future, but this is insanely unlikely because I hate contacts and don't care enough to get lasik surgery.

Do you listen to '80s metal? Haha hell yeah, '80s metal has a special place in my heart. I'm not as into classic rock/metal as I was in high school, but I absolutely still do love it and will happily listen to it.

Do you like acoustic or electric guitar better? Electric, absolutely. I just LOVE the sound of an electric guitar, mmf.

What was the last major city you visited? Raleigh.

Have you taken a painkiller today? Yes actually, I've been having tooth pain since my dentist appointment a good few days back and eventually really needed something.

Have you ever had a pumpkin latte and if so, did you like it? Nope, I hate coffee and I hate anything pumpkin-flavored.

Are you currently in a relationship? If so, do you think it will last? Yes, and complete, total honesty, yes, I do.

Have you ever been camping in the wilderness? No. I'd be totally willing to in an RV or something, but not a basic tent; I'd honestly be too nervous and also I know EXTREMELY uncomfortable, I don't handle being down on the floor well *at all* with my current physical shape.

Did your parents go to college? If so, what did they study? My dad didn't; I actually don't think he even finished high school? Mom did, for social work, but of course her cancer and Covid stopped her from getting a chance to intern somewhere and eventually get a job, even though she got her degree... That remains such, such a sore spot for her, and it breaks my heart. I just can't imagine being so close to what you wanted and then circumstances outside your control just ruin it.

Name the strangest game you’ve ever played (video game or real game): Haha honestly probably the original Silent Hill. The first time I played it with Jason, it twisted my mind into fuckin knots and it took a loooot of online reading and video-watching to make sense of it. I was hooked immediately.

Would you pay if your dog needed an operation? In the hypothetical situation that I had the money to save Cookie, of course I would. My mom loves her so much.

What’s the weirdest thing you’ve seen in a grocery store? A big container of literal fursuit heads lmfao, Wal-Mart is a lawless wasteland

Have you ever met any bands/band members before? No.

What states have you been to in the past year? I never left NC.

Have you ever fostered an animal? No, but it's a dream to rescue and raise an opossum one day.

Who did you last talk to in Facebook chat? Girt, very briefly. He just sent me a video.

What do you think of guys wearing colored skinny jeans? Guys, and everyone else, can wear whatever the fuck they want.

Would you ever get blonde highlights? Nah.

Will you go to your high school reunion? Hell no.

What animal have you always wanted as a pet but couldn’t have? Well for the most part my mom has been very accepting of letting me adopt the pets I want so long as it's a reasonable time and we can provide for it, but there's one type of pet I've desperately wanted for multiple years now, tarantulas, but she absolutely refuses to let me have any while I live with her, lol.

Have you ever been in a hospital and not felt safe? Yup, most strongly the last time I was at the psych hospital. There was a man that regularly acted EXTREMELY predatory and I could not fucking believe how lenient the staff was at just letting him do his creepy fucking thing. I finally snapped the last day I was there because of this guy and sincerely feared I was about to be assaulted.

What’s the highest fever you’ve ever had? I have no idea; I have fevers so incredibly rarely.

One thing you promised yourself you’d never do and then did? Be able to love anybody again after Jason. I was so, so, so fucking positive that it was absolutely impossible.

Have you ever had to call 911? Twice for my mom, yes. I feel like I may be forgetting a third instance...

Do you get along with your significant other’s friends? To be honest I don't know many of his current friends; we had a lot of mutual friends in HS, but both of us have really drifted away from them. His best friend Taylor currently lives with him, whom I've met before and gotten on with fine, but we don't really interact much; even at Girt's house, he has his own room and does his own thing in there most of the time. I've sorta interacted with some gaming friends of his before, and apparently they really like me and I think they seem nice too, so I guess you could say I do "get along" with them.

Are you one of those people who will not use a public washroom? I try VERY hard not to, but if not going is seriously going to impact my comfort, then yes I'm going to use one.

What is something that you do often with your family? Nothing, honestly...

Do you enjoy the sound of crickets at night and birds in the morning? YES!!!

Do you need a haircut? I'm ready for a trim, yes. I know I'm ready once my hair starts regularly tickling my neck.

What is the most expensive gift you have ever given someone? The promise ring I got Sara LMFAO oops, that was a terrible choice

Have you ever taken pictures in a photo booth? Yes, I know I have with Summer as well as once with Jason on my 16th birthday.

Do you feel bad when you kill bugs? Yes. I try to avoid killing them.

Do you like animal print things? I don't.

Do you have any pets that you had since you were born? Oh definitely not. The dog my parents had when I was born died before I was even one, I think. I have zero memories of her.

Are all your pets micro chipped? I highly doubt Crystal ever micro-chipped Cookie, seeing as she came with her collar. Roman also isn't; he wears a collar, too. Venus is a snake so obviously this doesn't apply to her. ... Unless snakes can be micro-chipped?? idk

Would you ever cope in a jail? No; full transparency, I would kill myself, and I know that with pretty much absolute certainty.

Have you ever seen an alligator in person? Yes; multiple times at the zoo and at least once in the wild, though I'm pretty much positive it was an alligator that escaped the local (and very nearby) zoo that had recently been destroyed by Hurricane Floyd.

Are you a liberal? I honestly don't know if that titles totally fits me, but I can tell you I am way, way more politically left than anywhere near right.

Were you fearless or a coward in the face of the child hunter in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang? OH MY GOOOOOOOD I forgot about him, he absolutely scared me, lol.

Did you ever hit anything while learning to drive? I wish I was exaggerating, but I IMMEDIATELY hit a curb. In the fucking parking lot where I started, lmfao.

Have you or a pet ever gotten a tapeworm? *I* would rather fucking die than have a tapeworm; when I was younger, I was always SO paranoid I'd somehow gotten one. I've always been absolutely petrified of internal parasites. I've never had a pet with one, either. Thank fucking god because I would puke.

Do you know any furries? Yes; the roommates Jason and I housed with in the apartment were both furries. Jacob is still my friend (at least, we're on each other's FBs and will rarely interact), but he broke up with Amanda maaaaany years ago, and I never spoke to her afterwards.

Do you snore? Steal the covers? Roll around in your sleep? I rarely snore, but I know I do move a lot and absolutely steal the covers; Girt is also a blanket hog though so I'm very thankful I got a bigger comforter for Christmas, haha.

Is the lion the best character in The Wizard of Oz? I think I liked the scarecrow most.

Would you immediately look for someone right after you broke up with your bf/gf? No; it would absolutely take a lot of time to get over Girt.

Have you ever studied any new age or occult religions such as Wicca? I've researched them to some extent, yes.

Do you want someone aggressive or passive in bed? I am the most bottom motherfucker you will ever meet so do the math lmfao BUT I will add there is absolutely such a thing as being too aggressive to where I'm not into it.

Are you someone who actually likes to babysit children? No. I only "help" my mom watch my sister's kids because she's the primary caregiver and the one who really handles things. I'm just there to engage with the kids when they want to.

Do you find any of your friends’ parents creepy or really mean? Well we haven't been friends for many years, but I thought Colleen's father-in-law was SUPER fucking creepy, and turns out he had gross sexual tendencies anyway.

Who did you last have over your house, and why were they there? Tobey came for dinner a few nights ago.

Recently, who in your house has gotten on your nerves the most? I only live with my mom, and we've been doing fine. She got under my skin last night, but I'm over it.

Ever kissed a friend’s crush? No.

If something was wrong who is the first girl you would go to? My mom.

What do you dislike about your smile? I feel like my eyes squint too much and I just look high.

Have you ever kissed in the snow? I don't believe I have.

Have you ever liked a football player? No. Jocks have never been my thing.

Has the last person you kissed taken their shirt off in front of you? Yeah.

Are you good at hiding your feelings? NO.

When was your first kiss? It was like a month into me being 16.

What’s your most popular post? On my old Tumblr it would pretty much definitely be the gif I made of Markiplier and his dog Chica that basically went viral in the fanbase.

Is anyone in your family over six feet tall? I'm quite positive my brother is, at least. Maybe my dad, idk.

Has anyone lost their virginity to you? No.

What improvement would be the most beneficial to your life right now? My legs recovering would probably be it. It severely affects so many areas of my life. I'm finally getting better about using the bike, though...

Have you ever merged finances with a significant other? No.

What’s the least amount you’ve weighed since reaching your full height? Uh, somewhere around 120, which I woulda fucking killed to be again for years until I semi-recently learned my very base adult weight is like 160; going below that would, for my basic body composition, be emaciation. How the hell a scale told the doctor that, I don't know, I just trust them with the explanation that the scale was thousands of dollars and just super advanced.

What were your high school’s team colors? Red and white.

Who were your best friends in high school? Jason, Hannia, Girt, Summer... I had a good number of close friends.

Have you ever been to Chicago? If yes, what do you like best about it? Once, when I visited Sara. It was just so, SO different from what I'm used to; I don't generally like cities, but visiting one briefly was nevertheless super cool. I just liked all the lights and activity, and seeing how tall the Willis Tower really is. Like even craning your neck fully back, you can't see the top.

Are you close with your cousins? Nope.

Are you close to any aunts or uncles? Also no, not really.

What was your favorite thing to do at sleepovers when you were younger? Uh, probably swim if a pool was available and it was a good time of year. I liked doing a variety of things, like playing pretend, too.

Does your town have a big fountain in it? Yeah, we have a city park not far from here that has a fountain in the lake.

What’s your favorite rock band? SOBS Rammstein if that's the genre you wanna put 'em in.

Who’s your favorite country singer? I tend to like Tim McGraw songs, but I think Carrie Underwood has the best voice out of the country vocalists I've heard.

Has your hair color changed since you were a toddler? Yes; my hair was dirty blonde as a kid.

[forbidding-souda]

leon, mondo, and kazuichi with a s/o who just got surgery? I am recovering from one myself right now and all I've been doing is binge reading your blog!!

Leon Kuwata, Mondo Oowada, and Kazuichi Souda with a S/O who is recovering from surgery

i am so inept to write this because i've never had surgery but guess who is disabled and i live with! my dad so i think I know the basics

-Mod Souda

Leon Kuwata

❤ He skips all his baseball practices anyway - but now he has an excuse.

❤ He likes playing the supportive boyfriend and taking care of you - doing things like refilling your water and fetching things for you around the house.

❤ He's not much of a professional chef, but he does have a lot of money, so take-out it is.

❤ And now he finally has an audience (he holds you against your will) to listen to him practice guitar. You can tell him a song and he'll google the tabs, playing it off the spot for you.

❤ He eats dinner sitting next to you, which is something the two of you hardly did anyway, but now it's something that makes you feel special.

❤ But it's still whatever he wants to watch on tv, which is mostly just old American 80s films involving greasers and punks. A lot of old music videos, as well.

❤ He holds your hand when the two of you sit close. If you're in a recliner, he's going to sit down on the floor next to it and hold your hand. If you have long hair, he might even braid your hair.

.

Mondo Oowada

❤ Big meaty hands giving you massages, like head massages and calf ones. It gives him an excuse to touch you.

❤ He brings home milkshakes, which you definitely should not be drinking, but he doesn't care.

❤ Definitely brings home a bunch of food that you're not supposed to be eating.

❤ He'll listen to you talk about almost anything, just so he can hang out with you and see you relaxed.

❤ He will also just pick you up and carry you to the bathroom. You don't need crutches or anything like that.

❤ During the nights, you're left alone, but he is with you all throughout the day.

❤ When you do things that make you sore, he'll get tense with you, saying "why didn't you just let me do it?" and "that's your fault, then."

❤ He would die if he didn't help you relieve the pain at least a little bit.

❤ His friends all sign a get well soon card for you, and one even buys you a small doctor teddy bear.

.

Kazuichi Souda

❤ He thinks about you constantly as he works. Even though he's only a dozen feet a way, it feels like miles, and he's wondering if something bad will happen when he's not consistently on watch.

❤ You call him sometimes, just saying, can you get me some more water. But he'll stay on the phone even as he passes by you.

❤ It's not as if he leaves the house anyway, but he is so glued to the home once it means that you can't go outside with him.

❤ He'll be so on top of giving you your meds, and he even writes down when and what you take just so you remember and don't accidentally overdose. He worries about that.

❤ He might even buy those cute morning vs. night pill things.

❤ He will make a meal - a giant one, and then heat up the leftovers for the next couple of days. Less cooking for him. He thinks it's a win-win.

❤ He is going to fall asleep next to wherever you're located, no matter if it places him on the floor, because he is going to sleep on the floor if it means being close to you.

❤ He'll get you a get well soon card, too. Maybe he'll throw some money in it as a gift.

❤ His body is beefy so he won't hesitate to help you get around the house.

[luna-rainbow]

meta: implantation for prosthesis

Okay I wrote an entire essay on this and decided no one was going to be interested because it was so technical so I spent hours rewriting it but it turned out to be an essay anyway….

I hope this is helpful for anyone writing fics about Bucky’s time in Hydra cos you really don’t need to think up new torture methods when you consider the medical procedures he had to go through…

The TL;DR version: Bucky's implant doesn't obey the laws of biophysics but neither does Steve's shield; all that matters is they both look cool.

As you can see from this picture, compared to what I referred to in the amputation meta, the amputation level has moved from forearm (transhumeral) to above shoulder (probably forequarter) level.

How was Bucky's arm implanted?

The thing about Bucky's prosthesis and the way it's implanted is we don't have anything close to it in the real world, and there are some practical issues with it.

I dislike anatomy too but we gotta see it to understand, so bear with me.

What's important about this picture? Look at the ball and socket joint. The glenoid cavity i.e. "the socket" is basically a tea plate to the golf “ball” of the humerus - you rock it hard enough and the ball will fall out (e.g. shoulder dislocations). It's held in place by tendons and muscles that are built for mobility rather than durability, which is why rotator cuff tears are so common (and annoyingly debilitating when they do happen). To add to that mobility, the socket is formed by the shoulder blade/scapula, which itself is just a dinner plate sliding across the back of the rib cage, held in place only by a few flaps of muscles. Now look at that flimsy clavicle, then at that tiny point of contact between the clavicle and the sternum - that is the only attachment the shoulder has with the main (axial) skeleton.

What I'm getting at is that the entire human shoulder stays in place by the sheer miracle of opposing tendons and muscles and ligaments. This means at Bucky's level of amputation, all the things that hold the arm onto the body are gone, and just fusing metal components onto what remains is not going to cut it.

But he's still got his pecs, you say. Maybe he's still got his scapula, which means he'll also have his rotator cuffs. Yes, that brings me to the other unrealistic issue about his implant. In real life, we simply don't have the technology to do this - the components we have bond to bone but do not bond to soft tissue, i.e. muscles, fat and skin. Even if you have muscles left you can't attach them in a way that holds the joint on.

Directly attaching metal next to skin, as it appears for Bucky, has its own problems. One of the newest techniques these days is interosseus implants (Source), which inserts a metal shaft into a long bone and attaches the prosthesis at the end. A major drawback is fluid leak and infection because the soft tissue simply does not bond to the metal and form a good seal over/around it, so you essentially have a chronic open wound going all the way through to bone.

In Bucky's case, he doesn't even have any long bones left to even consider this technique. Where are you going to attach an entire arm? The clavicle? The ribs? The flappy scapula? Have you seen how easily these bones snap like legit grannies just have to trip over and they'll crack 8 ribs on the way down.

Of all the ways Bucky was attacked and injured in CACW, this is the one scene that makes me wince every time. That’s what, a 10 meter drop? I know what you’re thinking Bucky - it's gonna look impressive in front of Steve. Well, GOOD F**KING JOB BUCK YOU'VE JUST RIPPED YOUR IMPLANT OUT OF YOUR BONES. On a scale of "freezing yourself in cryo" to "breaking Zemo out of jail" can you STOP being such a self-destructive drama queen for FIVE minutes and—

Okay, but Bucky's arm is canon. Can it theoretically work if we take into account futuristic technology and super soldier serum?

So let's talk about what it needs to achieve: - Very strong attachment to axial skeleton WITHOUT use of muscles/tendons - Full range of motion as a normal human arm - Ability to connect to neural supply (won't go into detail in this post)

Let's pretend the metal-skin interface won't be a major issue because of better skin healing/better materials.

Even with the serum's healing/durability, the implant still needs a stronger attachment than a single clavicle. One (imaginary) possibility is having most of his left ribs and clavicle filled by (not replaced by) implants with attachment sites, to which the metal arm actually attaches. This distributes the loading forces more evenly throughout his thorax. Remember though the weak point is always at connection points, and at high enough impacts something will give, and if it's not his bones it'll be the metal work, and that will still hurt.

That leaves the issue of scapular movements. I just want you to take a moment to appreciate the many directions this bone flap spins in. It’s vital in positioning the shoulder relative to the rib cage, and it’s every anatomy student’s nightmare (or dream, I guess, depending on which end of the spectrum you fall).

Two (imaginary) possibilities: this is built into the prosthesis - ie the scapula is removed and jointed components pull the shoulder across the rib cage - this method means more bone/muscle have to be removed. The second is if they develop technology to attach muscle to metal implant, and I almost don’t want to think about that possibility because the amount of experimentation that would take, the amount of muscle tears and tendon rupture and repeat surgical procedures and pain is just horrific to consider.

CBB reading all that, can you just tell me what it practically means for Bucky?

He would have to: - Undergo multiple revisions to reach his current level of amputation: this could be from unsalvageable implant failures or injuries forcing them to go up higher (amputate more) for attachment points. - Undergo multiple rounds of experimental implant techniques: failures in those early decades are common due to the materials used and the immature techniques. Metal shattering within bone or snapping outside of bone can happen especially at the huge forces he puts the arm through. For perspective, people are advised against running after a hip replacement because that counts as "high impact" ARE YOU LISTENING TO THIS BUCKY. - Complications? Pain, infection (painful), bleeding (painful), nerve damage (painful), fractures (painful), implants breaking (painful), rejection of implant material (painful), reaction to sediments produced by crappy implant material (painful). I don't know if you see a common theme or... - After each surgery there will be a necessary healing time (even for a super soldier) where he will be vulnerable while the bone heals.

All of this suggests - and not to minimise what Isaiah was able to do single-handedly - that the early Winter Soldier was not the sleek machine that Steve fought, and was likely far more prone to injury and damage.

And finally, as a heartfelt thank you for getting this far, someone pointed out that Bucky cradles his metal hand for comfort. That itself suggests that despite the amount of pain that he inevitably endured to get a functioning prosthesis - his life was infinitely worse without it.

[imagines-by-a-typical-fangirl]

White Lies (Pt. 07 of 21)

Pairing: Keanu Reeves X Reader

Word count: 2.4 K

Summary: Keanu found the girl almost dead, in the wrecks of what was once her car. While she was in surgery, stuck in a coma, he gathered the best doctors of New York to attend to her. They told him she is likely to have some kind of brain damage, what may lead to memory loss. And this possibility added up wit the fact that she's pregnant, made the council come up with an odd idea. They asked Keanu to pretend to be her husband, since the stress of finding out everything that happened could put the baby in danger. He reluctantly agreed, but only if she does has some kind of memory loss. He still goes she'll wake up soon, with her memories intact.

But when you finally wake up, there's nothing inside. You're quick to find your head is empty, void, like a blank canvas. The only thing that brings you some relief, that makes you feel less lonely is the mention of a husband. And you can't wait to meet him, because you know you can't deal with this by yourself.

<- Previous part (06)

Next part (08) ->

{Keanu Reeves Masterlist}

{John Wick Masterlist}

×

Attraction

“It's so tiny.” You say, looking at the ultrasound picture you just got from your baby. It's week twelve, and the first trimester is almost over. You'll feel less uncomfortable, or so say the doctors, but a lot of different things are going to happen. You're excited about that. “And beautiful.” Walking fast, you let Keanu guide you through the hospital since you're a bit late to meet with Dr. Harris.

“Do you want a boy or a girl?” He asks, looking down at you.

“Boy.” You're quick to answer, smiling at him. “And I know you want a girl.”

“You know me so well.” He mutters when you reach Dr. Harris's office. “I'll leave you to it and go talk with Dr. Wright.”

“Alright.” Tiptoeing, you place a quick kiss on his cheek before heading inside, fast enough so he won't get a look at your blushing cheeks.

Dr. Harris stands up when she sees you, a smile on her lips. “Mrs. Reeves, good morning.” She says, gesturing for you to seat on the divan next to her. “How are you feeling today?”

Dr. Harris is great, but everything she asks is part of the appointment. You don't mind though, she helps a lot to put your thoughts in place. “I'm great. The first trimester is almost over and... Everything is great. Keanu and I are getting along very well.” You decide to bring your husband into the conversation because she'll ask about him anyway.

“That's very good to hear.” You settle down on the divan, pulling your legs up as she takes her place on the armchair. “Have you and Mr. Reeves spoken about the future of your marriage?”

“We'll try.”

“What do you mean by that?”

Elaborate, (Y/N). Dr. Harris never takes the short answer. “We'll try to make it work. I don't want the accident to break apart a good marriage so...” Running a hand through your hair, you sigh. “We had this settled a while ago, and it's been working well so far.”

“Have you and Mr. Reeves ever gotten... Intimate?”

The question makes you move in your seat, sitting up straight. “We hug a lot... And kisses on cheeks are frequent.” You two are growing closer, and you're happy to feel that he's not pushing himself away to make you comfortable. Keanu is letting you set the pace, and it's up to you to chose what step to take next.

“That was not what I meant.” She adds. “I asked if you and your husband have been... Romantically intimate.”

“Oh...” Clearing your throat, you bite your lip. You weren't expecting that, and you don't need this... Image in your head. Not when you've been thinking about kissing him ever since Lucia visited. “No, no. There's the baby so...”

“First of all, this is a common myth about pregnancy.” Resting her notebook on her lap, Dr. Harris looks at you. She's reading you, you know it. “It wouldn't hurt the baby in any way. But this isn't the point. I just need to know if Mr. Reeves tried to approach you that way, and if he did, how you felt about it.”

You're as red as a tomato now, you're sure of it. “Keanu is... Respectful. He doesn't push me into anything. We're... I'm still sleeping in the guest room and he's completely fine with it.” Why does everyone is so worried about Keanu trying to get intimate? He's your husband, it's only natural.

“And won't you sleep on the same bed with your husband?”

“I don't know.” She asks too many questions, and you don't usually have much time from one topic to the other. It makes your head hurt a little, having to deal with so many feelings and situations. “Maybe I should because... Because I really like being around him. I'm just waiting until I'm ready, I think.”

“And when do you think that will be?”

Sighing, you don't know what to answer. And you don't want to. Maybe Dr. Harris doesn't have to know everything. Some things are better if kept in between you and Keanu.

Dr. Wright's words are in the background as his mind floats away. (Y/N) is everything he can think about. Time and time again he's caught in the lie he built, wanting, wishing it was real. He knows he shouldn't let this happen. He knows he shouldn't let himself have feelings for her, but how could he not?

(Y/N) isn't just beautiful. She's kind, honest, caring. He never thought he would feel this way towards a woman. And it sometimes makes him angry that this didn't happen differently. That he didn't meet her, before she was married of course, maybe in the same way he told her about their fake first meeting. In an airport, where he'd approach her, talk to her, and if he was lucky, get her number. So things would be right.

“Mr. Reeves?”

“Yes.” He clears his throat, moving on his seat. “The headaches are still constant. Almost every day she complains about it, but they're less intense.” He's impressed that he was able to answer the doctor correctly. “But other than that, she's doing well.”

“That's good.” And he goes on again, basically repeating himself, saying things Keanu already knows by heart.

He knows what to do. He knows he has to call emergency if (Y/N) faints. Or if she feels too sleepy. He knows all the little things he has to pay attention to. As if he didn't have his eyes on her all the damn time.

Keanu loves watching her. When she's lying down watching TV, both her legs over his, a hand on her belly. When she cooks, not allowing him to help sometimes, as she moves around the kitchen. And God, her laughter. It lights up his whole world. Keanu thinks he could literally die if he goes too long without a flash of her smile.

“That will be all, I guess.” Dr. Wright says, taking one last look at his papers. “If you need anything, you can always call me.”

“Thank you, Dr. Wright.” He says, standing up to his feet and shaking the man's hand.

Keanu makes his way through the halls, to Dr. Harris' office. Once he's there, he peeks through the rectangular window on the door. She's seated on the divan, facing the doctor, legs crossed, and hands on her lap. He can hear their voices, low, but clear enough since the hall is empty and silent.

He doesn't want to listen. This is between her and her psychologist, and if there's anything she wants him to know, she'll tell him about it. But when he hears his name... His unconsciously listening, it doesn't matter how hard he tries to focus on his phone.

“How would you describe your feelings for Mr. Reeves?” The question has him full alert, holding his breath.

“Well... They're... Growing.” She answers, clearly a little confused. “I know that's not what you're expecting me to say but...”

“It's alright if you don't want to talk about it.”

“It's not that I don't want to talk about it, I just...” Her voice fades, and Keanu rests his back against the wall, trying to listen better. “I want things to fall in place before talking to you. I know I'm supposed to tell you everything and you do help me, but... I don't know. There are a lot of things I just don't know yet.”

“That's completely fine.” The doctor says, and a pause follows. “And what do you think Mr. Reeves feels for you?”

Keanu freezes, holding his breath once again. What will she answer? He feels guilty for listening, but this is something he needs to know. Closing his eyes shut, he tries to hear her voice above the pounding noise of his heart.

“He says he loves me.”

“And do you believe it?”

Silence again. For long seconds, almost a lifetime. “I do, I just... I was hoping he'd be more... Touchy, I think?” She giggles, nervously. “But he already told me that he'll let me set the pace in things, so...”

“Mr. Reeves is quite a gentleman.” Dr. Harris' says, and Keanu chuckles. “He won't push you, and that's good. Not many men would be so patient.”

“I know... Keanu is... Absolutely amazing.” (Y/N) mutters, and Keanu releases his breath, his lungs burning to the sensation.

“Well, this will be it for today.” Dr. Harris says, and he sets in motion, getting up to his feet. Running a hand through his hair, he stares at the door, waiting for her to show up. And when she does, he gets the same feeling he always has when he sees her. Like his world stops, like his heart will jump off his chest. It doesn't matter how much time he spends around her, this sensation never goes away. She's a sight for sore eyes, unbelievably beautiful.

The drive home is peaceful, and Keanu stops to get you ice cream. Back home, you both make lunch and eat together in the kitchen. Then you go take a nap, only to wake up when the sun is setting.

Making your way through the house, looking for Keanu, you start thinking he's out when you hear something coming from the garage. Bracing yourself from the cold, you go there, smiling to see Keanu in the back. You know he loves motorcycles, and he has three. Well, he has three now, since the new one just got here a week ago. Silently, you walk past the two cars, watching as he rubs a piece of fabric on the bike's seat.

“Hey.” You announce yourself, leaning against the hood of the nearest car.

“Hi, beautiful.” Keanu's eyes lay on you, as he moves to stand up straight.

“When will you take me on a ride?” The idea just came to your head, and you can't help but imagine what it would feel like. Speeding through the streets with the wind on your hair, holding on to Keanu...

“We can go around the neighborhood. But I don't think it's a good idea to good further yet. You're still recovering and there's the baby.” As he speaks, you walk over him, giving the new bike a look. The machine is huge, probably very heavy, and it suits him very well.

“Alright.” You agree, gesturing at the bike. “Can I... Can I ask something?”

“Sure.” Throwing the rag he was using on the wooden table in the corner, he lightly touches your thigh. “What is it?”

Blushing, you look down, touching the leather seat of the bike. “Do you find me attractive?” The words come out so low you wonder if he actually heard you.

“Why are you asking me that?”

“I asked first.” You burst out, putting a strand of hair behind your ear, glancing at him before turning your eyes at the bike.

“Yes.” He simply says in a soft voice. “You're a beautiful woman.” With his index finger under your chin, he makes you look at him again. “Why did you ask me that?”

“I... I really wanted to know.” Almost involuntary, you give a tiny step forward, standing on your toes just a little bit.

“Does it goes both ways?”

His question makes you giggle. “You're really asking if I find you attractive?”

“I really want to know,” Keanu whispers, his hands sliding to caress your cheek.

“Of course I do.” You whisper too, your hands coming to lay on his sides, holding on to his shirt. “Ke... Can I ask for something?”

“Anything, beautiful.” He assures you, and your eyes are locked on his lips. You need to feel them. You can't wait anymore, you're ready for this, right now.

“Kiss me.” You plead, tiptoeing, both hands grabbing a fist full of the fabric of his shirt.

“Are you sure?”

“I am.” You expect him to hesitate, as he usually does, but it's different now.

Keanu bends down, and you close your eyes to feel his lips brushing on yours. It's like sweet torture, the anticipation. At first, he only pecks your lips, quick and soft, but he doesn't pull away after. You're holding your breath, a little numb from the proximity, hands moving from his sides to grab the collar of his shirt, fearful he'll step away. He doesn't. Instead, you feel his lips on yours again, slowly at first, as your mind goes blank for a moment. Everything else fades away, and nothing else matters. His hands come to your waist, holding, grounding you. You're moving closer, wanting to climb on him. You're not thinking straight, but it doesn't matter. Pulling away just to catch your breath, you quickly kiss him again, parting your lips to let him in, deepening the kiss.

There's a burning sensation spreading through your body, but you don't fight it. You let it sink in, take over. But you need to breathe, your lungs screaming for a break, so you pull apart, still holding him close.

“Was this ok?” Keanu asks, his hands moving away from your body.

“Absolutely.” You assure him, nodding, still not ready to let go of him. “It was good... Right?”

“It was amazing.” With a hand on your cheek, Keanu smiles before capturing your lips on another kiss.

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