#literally everyone knows were not here for good grammar or syntax

[castlebyersafterdark]

I even heard an irl casual fan who is super knowledgeable about film

interesting! i guess mistakes do happen in moviemaking. idk why i never believed it though. i just think that even as an amateur writer myself, the idea that professional writers would forget such an important character detail as a birthday makes them seem very dumb. but the fact that will's specifically is stated in the show??? explicitly??? and also the spring break setting of s4 itself lands on his birthday??? come on man. you'd have to be literally a dumbass to make that mistake as a filmmaker. i think fans need to trust their own guts more and stop listening to what other people say is true.

actually that goes for all situations not just fandom lol

actually maybe the reason i didnt believe it was because anti-bylers were SO happy about it. the fact that they grabbed on to that nugget of info just made me narrow my eyes even further lol

Varied thoughts on Birthdaygate 🎂🎉🎁🥳

There's a few schools of thought with this topic. One is that there's a desperate hope that a show of this budget and the size would have continuity contingencies and fact checkers in place for details. And Will's birthday is the only named birthday in the show, right? So do they then arbitrarily pick a date for Spring break and oops, then it's utterly forgotten in canon by the characters with reason or not acknowledged and it makes you wonder as a fan who cares about details.

And then they give their goofy little interview where upon whatever number of readings, does feel very, very telling and pointed / sarcastic, but I do think in a way, we can't really fault people who read interviews like that at face value, because yeah, we're discussing the sarcasm, but not everyone is looking for it or great at detecting it.

Not everyone interprets what the creators are saying looking for lies and veiled answers, though we really should tbh, and we shouldn't assume everything in any article is face value, when words are twisted purposely. It's kind of a double edge thing where I'm being supportive to either side of this whole issue here. Diplomatic, you know.

In general, it's hard to just put blind trust into every little aspect of a show, even one we adore. It's a TV show. We love it. We're obsessed with it, but it's not without flaw. And this flaw? Could be disappointing. But, realistically this kind of stuff does get missed in some of the biggest movies out there. I mean, look at the goddamn new Star Wars movies. These things are infested with obvious continuity issues. And it frustrates me to know that, and - I'll talk for a year about it I need to stop getting riled up about SW.

Anyway, it could be not wanting to give away all their secrets, they're going to lie and of course, it could seem obvious because they have to lie and we know they're lying so I don't know, I'm very much rambling, I think we can tell that this one was talk to text, I'm gonna go back and edit for grammar and syntax so I hope it all makes sense.

Though... more. My thoughts about birthday gate are vague theories. Does anybody have any good posts to read up on the hidden / forgotten birthday theory? What are yalls thoughts on what it means for season 5 cause that's all well and dandy, saying that something was happening in the plot, like maybe suppressing Will's memories, the memories of everybody out west. But how and why? How and why did influence reach that far on the other side of the country? What do we think that means for the show, that's what kind of stumps me. What is the reason other than further getting Will isolated and sad. But there are a lot of ways to do that. And then, combined with the anniversary of the Creel murders. What do we think?

[crowsent]

homestuck still holds the title of ‘writer fucked a thesaurus’ award but my god this gets the silver medal

first time seein oblatio outside of a latin book

[italeean]

Gomen, Yama

Timeskip to the first year of college. Yamaguchi and Tsukishima are living together to reduce the expenses, but things get complicated when they both get stressed because of finals.

NOTE: (it would be the author’s note if I actually were an author lol) This is my first fic, so I’m sorry if it’s not as good as the other authors’ ones. Suggestions are always appreciated, anyway. Also, I’m Italian and English is not my first language, so suggestions about grammar and syntax are always appreciated, too ^^

DISCLAIMER: This is a tickle fic, if it's not to your taste I don't suggest you read it

Yamaguchi was more than convinced that after high school he wouldn't have been able to see Tsukki anymore. He would've never imagined that the guy known for being salty and cynical would confess to him AND ask him to live together as college students "to reduce the expenses" (or at least that's what Tsukki claims to be his only reason...).

The first year of college went amazingly for the new couple, until finals came around.

Both of them were a bundle of nerves and everyone who walked into the house could literally feel the stress.

The real problem was how differently the two of them managed the situation. While Yamaguchi needed more quality time and affection to feel more at ease, Tsukki had the tendency to isolate himself from anything and anyone, including his boyfriend, which created an even more tense atmosphere.

One night, after another afternoon of studying nonstop, the green-haired guy decided to prepare a nice meal for the both of them to eat, put on a movie and prepare a blanket fort to spend at least one night away from the evil textbooks.

He thought it was a nice thing to do, but unfortunately he didn’t get the same response from his boyfriend.

When he entered the bedroom, he found Tsukki submerged by books and notes (as expected). When he first tried to call him, he didn’t even get an answer, so he tried again. “Um... Tsukki...? I-I made some dinner and put on a movie... and I thought we could watch it afterwards and maybe spend some time toget-” “WILL YOU EVER SHUT UP?” said Tsukki in an annoyed tone and with a higher volume than usual “I’m trying to study here and you’re all around the place being clingy. Am I the only one who has exams here?!”

“G-gomen Tsukki...” was all Yamaguchi managed to say before exiting the room with tears in his eyes, trying his best not to let them fall and make the situation worse. He wasn’t feeling hungry anymore, so he decided to make a plate for his lover, cover it and then watch the movie on his own. Unfortunately, as thoughtful as he was, he had put on Tsukki’s favorite, so it actually made it worse for him. The poor guy had no other choice than to cry himself to sleep in the blanket fort.

Around 10.30 pm Tsukki was startled by a grumble of his own stomach, so he decided to get something from the kitchen. He imagined that Yama was there, too, trying to get some studying done. It would have been the perfect occasion to apologize.

He was quite surprised to find a plate clearly for him but no Yama in the kitchen, so he forgot about the meal and went looking for him in the living room, where what he saw made his heart clench.

Yamaguchi was lying in the blanket fort, sleeping with the gravest expression on his face and his freckled cheeks stained with tears. The taller guy knew immediately it was his fault, but he didn’t feel like waking his lover up, so he opted for sneaking his way in the fort to spoon him.

“Mhmm... T-tsukki?” said Yamaguchi with a yawn. “Sorry, didn’t mean to wake you up. Can I come in?” asked Tsukki in a sorry tone. “Yeah, sure” said the freckled boy, sounding too reluctant in his own head.

“Umm... actually I have something to say, could you turn around?” asked the blonde. He thanked God when he saw his lover shifting to do so. “Go ahead” said Yama. “Well... I’m sorry for being so harsh. I’m very stressed and I took it out on you, even though you didn’t do anything to deserve it. I know it’s not a valid excuse, but can you please forgive me?”

Yamaguchi’s face lightened up with joy, but he decided to take a little revenge on his partner and mess with him a little. “No.” he said trying to sound cold, and then turned around to keep his smirk hidden.

However, Tsukki knew his childhood friend and lover far too well to be tricked like that, but he eventually decided to play along. “No, huh? Then I must be in big trouble. Whatever can I do to earn my wonderful, amazing, cute sweethart’s forgiveness?”

“Mmmmph I’m not cuteee” replied the now-blushing boy. “Whaaat? Nonsense. I’ll prove it to you, and I think I found the perfect way to do both this and make you forgive me” said the salty guy with a smirk that made Yamaguchi feel shivers running down his spine, even without seeing it.

“W-wait Tsukki you don’t need to do thaahahahahahat nohohoho” Yamaguchi began giggling when he felt his sides squeezed so lightly that it tickled like crazy, but it was still bearable. Tsukki smiled fondly; he didn’t need to see his boyfriend’s face to know he had his eyes squeezed, the cutest smile ever and his adorable cheeks tainted with a more intense blush. “I know I don’t need to, but I want to, sweetie” he stated worming his fingers to Yama’s tummy, which was more sensitive than his sides.

“Eep! Tsukkiehehehe naahahahat my tummiehehehe” cried the laughing guy, “Here you go again trying to stop me... forgive me, admit you’re cute and this all stops.” said the blonde as if it was the easiest thing in the world. To up the game even more he began kissing and nibbling his boyfriend’s neck, even daring to go up to the ears every once in a while.

“NAHahaha sthaAHAhap TsukkieeEEP” squeaked the now red-faced guy with tears beginning to form in his eyes. “I think you didn’t understand how this works, maybe if i go there you’ll get it” smirked the middle blocker evilly. “Nonononono not therEHEHEHEH HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA NAHAHAHAHAHAH” screamed Yamaguchi when he felt a finger twirl around his belly button and then dip into it.

“Oya? Is this your death spot? Have I found your giggle button? Although this is closer to screaming than giggling...” “HAHAHAHAHAHAHA TSUKKEHEHEHEHE PLEHEHEHEAHAHAHASEEHEHE ANYWHEHEHEHERE BUT THERHEHEHEHEE YOU’RE EHEHEHEVIL HAHAHAHA” begged the freckled guy.

“Evil?” gasped the faking-hurt tickler “I guess I’ll need to teach you what real evil is, darling”. After saying that, he got up and straddled the pinch server, taking his sweet time admiring his lover’s red face and his expression of both dread and eagerness. However the contemplation didn’t last long, as he moved his hands to Yama’s hips and lowered his face to pepper kisses, blow raspberries and even nibble around and over the belly button.

“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA NAHAHAHAHAT THAHAHAHAHT I FORGIHIHHIVEHEHE YOHOUHAHAHA STHAHAHAHAP” cried the smaller guy, now at his limit. “Aaaaaand?” asked Tsukki now only lightly scribbling at his boyfriend’s sides again. “Ihihi’m cutehehehe...”

After hearing that, Tsukki got off and started cuddling his lover, facing him. “There there, was that so hard?” he said teasingly. “Tsukkiiiii why are you always like th-mmph” the pinch server was interrupted by the sweetest kiss his lover had ever given him.

“I love you, Tadashi” said Tsukishima sincerely. “I love you too, my sweetheart”. Now it was the blonde’s turn to blush as his boyfriend watched clearly amused, even though he couldn’t suppress a yawn and scooted closer to his sweetheart.

Finally the two of them began drifting off in each other’s arms, without a care in the world, the books long forgotten.

[dai-bendu-conlang]

Jesara! Uera'ah foh a'ain nevi sedoremak vrhu nak kewanan uu Dai Bendu. ¿A'ainah keel nev det zera? [tried] foh: Tumi eno'ah sooan, ji tumi eno'ah kai'an; tumi eno'ah imleoan, ji tumi eno'ah wanan (leoan?); tumi eno'ah (passion), ji tumi eno'ah (serenity); tumi eno'ah (chaos), ji tumi eno'ah aimato; tumi eno'ah keraian, ji tumi eno'ah Dai. [aiming for: Hello! I would like to translate the Jedi Code Mantra into Dai Bendu. How would you say this? I tried:] Qasreash!

i tried to translate some of the classic meditation mantra into dai bendu (the one everyone calls the code). there were some limitations in vocab, so i just went with the last part. i ended up translating it as "xai eno'ah imkerai'anak mellu, eno'ah dai", my attempt at "where (because of the force) there is no death, is the force." i didn't quite know where to put "mellu" though tbh

Have you done the Jedi mantra in Dai Bendu? Specifically the version which goes "Emotion, yet peace/Ignorance, yet knowledge" etc?

Hello! Sorry for the late reply, Tevya, we already discussed this on the server, but here for the public:

There is no emotion, there is peace. There is no ignorance, there is knowledge. There is no passion, there is serenity. There is no chaos, there is harmony. There is no death, there is the Force.

Im tumi tamah soo’yth, ji xai enoah kai’an. Im tumi tamah delahm, ji xai enoah leo’yth. Im tumi tamah bexlyth, ji xai enoah maijah. Im tumi tamah chiiuth, ji xai enoah aimato. Im tumi tamah kerai’yth, ji xai enoah Dai.

Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet the Force.

Soo’yth, kyii kai’an. Delahm, kyii leo’yth. Bexlyth, kyii maijah. Chiiuth, kyii aimato. Kerai’yth, kyii Dai.

Life would be easier if we could just leave the code here, but unfortunately this is something the fandom fights and dissects over and over again. Therefore, we will elaborate a little on our word choices here and our interpretation of the code. First things first, we say this openly: This is, of course, yet another interpretation of the code. This is colored by our view on the Jedi and what we assume this code is supposed to mean and serve as. We don’t claim this is The Meaning Of The Code, but the way we understand it in English and then attempt to give it nuance in Dai Bendu. You are, of course, welcome to disregard this or make your own translation of it!

That being said, let’s get started with the purpose of the code. First, something about i’s history. Research done by the wonderful @ilummoss in this post.

What is now commonly called the “Jedi Code” originates from a 1987 roleplaying rulebook (Star Wars: The Roleplaying Game)

The second “yet” version shows up in Kanan: First Blood

This “code” is a mantra and not a code of conduct/law

Now let’s turn to the purpose of the Code/Mantra! The Jedi Code is one of the first things the younglings learn in the temple, which we assume means that you kind of learn it at the age you also end up learning nursery rhymes. You can see them chant it, repeat it. The purpose of mantras is to help focus/calm your mind. So, what conclusion can we draw from this? This Code is likely supposed to help the children focus on their connection to the Force so it must be an instrument to teach them how to interact with it.

From this, we draw our first conclusion: The second half of each line (peace, knowledge, serenity, harmony) is about the Force. The Force is all of these attributed.

Our second conclusion, derived from this, is that the first half of each line (emotion, ignorance, passion, chaos, death) are the things you bring with you into the Force. In moderation, all of these things are good. Being happy, knowing which knowledge is good for you, being passionate about something you love, knowing life can be a bit chaotic, and death, which is a part of life.

However, when you don’t keep those in check, they overwhelm you, twist and become negative. Contrasting Obi-Wan, who does feel emotion, deeply, and yet doesn’t get overwhelmed, while Anakin does and it ruins him, shows this very neatly. So these aspects can all be wonderful, but you have to be careful not to drag them with you into the Force or use them to access the Force in such a way.

Now, let’s get started on our translation. Let’s start easy with the nouns and do it line by line:

There is no emotion, there is peace. - Im tumi tamah soo’yth, ji xai enoah kai’an

soo’yth, nominalization of the verb soo, which means “to feel” in an emotional sense. kai’an, meaning “inner peace” As in being at peace with yourself e.g. basically the state required for Force Ghosting.

This line is pretty similar to its English equivalent. We wanted to emphasize that peace is not a state of being that’s everywhere or political, but it’s something inside you. The quiet in the eye of the storm.

There is no ignorance, there is knowledge. - Im tumi tamah delahm, ji xai enoah leo’yth

delahm is an interesting noun as it refers to “ignorance” as well as “the inability to help”. We wondered what kind of background a term such as ignorance has especially in the context of the Jedi valuing knowledge and learning a lot. As such we defined that “ignorance” would correspond more closely to the inability to help. As long as you know something, or aware of where you stand, you are not helpless. leo’yth is the nominalization of the verb leo meaning “to know” and so “knowledge”.

With this line, we really wanted to dig into this idea of knowledge is not just factual knowledge, but also wisdom. And if you act without wisdom, ignorant, perhaps even purposefully so, this is not something to favor. Of course nobody is expected to know everything, but you are supposed to remember, to know, that you can always ask others for help.

There is no passion, there is serenity. - Im tumi tamah bexlyth, ji xai enoah maijah

bexlyth is the nominalization of the verb bexl, which refers to covet/attached love and as the noun leans more into the concept of “passion” and “obsession”. maijah, on the other hand, translates as “serenity, calm, tranquillity”.

Our intention here was to elaborate on the huge dimension behind passion. Passion in and of itself is nothing bad, but it can be if it is done out of obsession. When considering that this mantra is used to interact with the Force, it might also demand that you leave every other thought behind and focus only on the Force.

There is no chaos, there is harmony. - Im tumi tamah chiiuth, ji xai enoah aimato

chiiuth means “chaos, destruction, unrest” where aimato is “harmony” and “cosmic balance”. Cosmic balance is here the state which we assume the Jedi want to achieve in the entire galaxy. When canon speaks of “there needs to be balance”, this is it.

Here we have chaos as everything that disrupts the harmony. Of course there is something such as good chaos, it would be quite boring if every day were the same, stagnant, but in this case we decide that chaos and destruction does not exist negatively in the Force. There are plants that require forest fires before they can sprout - the natural circle of life includes chaos and destruction, but only ever in a way that plays in harmony with its other parts, rebirth and healing.

There is no death, there is the Force - Im tumi tamah kerai’yth, ji xai enoah Dai

kerai’yth is the nominalization of the verb kerai, which means “to die”. This line is pretty much the same as the original version.

Now that we’ve got all the vocabulary done, let’s talk a bit about grammar. We’ll start with the first part of each sentence Im tumi tamah.

tamah is the present tense form of the temporary form of “to be”. We chose to use this instead of “enoah” to show that these states of being are temporary and not, like the Force and its attributes, eternal.

A little opposed to this is our choice of the consequential marker tumi. tumi marks a state of somethat that is currently happening and will continue to happen in the future. This is used mostly for statements of being. As you can see, this is in contrast to our choice of tamah, but the reason for that is hidden in our negation particle im.

Im, in this case, negates the whole expression. tumi tamah gives the speaker the understanding that something temporary is the current state of being, when negating this entire sentence, we get the translation that this temporary experience is not your new and eternal state of being.

Which brings us to the differences in syntax and overall translation. In the structure of the original Basic sentence, the negation only has scope over the noun. In There is no chaos, the “no” negates only “chaos”. The literal translation of the Dai Bendu version would be more along the lines of “Not is there any state of chaos”, which, of course, is a lot more wordy.

Now, on the flip side, we have there is. In Dai Bendu, we have ji xai enoah. ji means “but”. We inserted this preposition here to highlight the contrast and negation. The first half of each statement says what there is not, but that doesn’t mean you are lost because in the Force, you will find the other.

enoah is our eternal/permanent form of “to be”. The Force is eternal, it will forever be all these attributes the Jedi give to it. xai is our Force-influenced marker. It represents that an action took place because the Force destined it to be, it is “Force-willed” if you want. This makes the entire sentence a bit self-referential and implies that this state is eternal because the Force is and because the Force wants it to be. The Jedi believe singularly in the Light side of the Force and see the Dark as a corruption and poisoning of it. Therefore, the Force strives for peace, knowledge, serenity, harmony as much as it embodies it.

Now that we have discussed both statements, we can put together a full literal translation:

There is no emotion, there is peace turns into Not is there a state of emotion, but the Force wills there to be peace within itself. 

And that is, all in all, a pretty sweet mantra to hold onto.

Now! For some explanation on the shortened version. We know that both versions existed during the prequels at the same time, which suggests two things: either they were both passed on independently/complementary, or they are identical in meaning.

Emotion, yet peace - Soo’yth, kyii kai’an

The word “yet” is very interesting because its meaning is inherently “despite that/but/even though”, which means that this shortened form of the mantra can actually be read identically to the long one. By striking the negation out of the sentence, you need a preposition with that inherent negative meaning, which is something “yet” is capable of!

So in our reading of this shortened mantra, it’s identical to the long one, but given how many syllables the long one has, it’s no wonder they have the Initiates recite the short one. So there is no secret “oh no, the Jedi don’t acknowledge emotions so we need this updated better version of the code!” hidden away here.

[youvebeenlivingfictional]

I’m Always Curious Part Nine

Previous Part | Next Part |  Masterlist Notes: Not beta-read. Synathehol is a TNG thing I think, so. On Earth in this story they drink alcohol, thank you. I hope everyone is well :) Thank you to everyone that’s read/liked/reblogged/replied! I really appreciate it! Summary: I’d become too engrossed in an argument with Spock (albeit a friendly one) on the effects (and logic) of using time travel to go back and change certain events. My idea was, if two totally separate events weren’t known to have any impact on one another, what would it matter which order you visited them in? 

Shock of all shocks, I didn’t sleep well. “What are you listening to?” Thira asked as I pulled my headphones out. “Oh, it’s...” I floundered before waving her off, “Don’t worry about it, I can only understand, like, some of it.” “What are you up to?” “I’ve got a lecture in--” I glanced at the time, “Like an hour, so I have got to run.” “Are you coming to Liquara tonight?” Thira asked, watching me gather my things. “Ah... I think so?” I glanced back at her as I packed my PADD into my bag. “You can take one night off,” Thira said, “Loosen up, have a couple of drinks...Maybe meet somebody?” She waggled her brows at me, and I laughed, unable to help it. “I don’t think that’ll be happening,” I said, pulling bag onto my shoulder. “Come on, when was the last time you dated?” Thira asked, folding her legs up under herself. “I don’t know, my last year of the Academy?” I shrugged. “...Yikes,” Thira muttered. “Thank you for that-- I’m leaving now!” I tacked on before hurrying out of our room. -- I did manage to make it to my Dominionese lecture on time, with a very large coffee (loaded with extra espresso and additional caramel drizzle). I got to the lecture hall just on time and took the only available seat left - right next to Captain Pike. I couldn’t help my stiff posture as I sat down, taking out my PADD and putting on the virtual display sensory headset that was left out for me. As the instructor began to lay out what we’d be working on, I felt Pike lean over, his bicep pressing against mine as he murmured, “Late night?”

I hummed the affirmative, picking up my coffee and taking a sip as if to prove it. I heard Pike chuckle beside me, and I fought the urge to turn my head, see the waiting smile. I kept my eyes on the instructor, then on the Dominionese that appeared on the headset. I could still feel Pike’s arm pressed to mine; that didn’t matter, right? I could focus on something other than contact. I zoned in on the text on the headset, letting my fingers move over my PADD as I worked through the first few rows of translations. Now and again, the instructor would interrupt us, calling on students to read their translations aloud, correcting for grammar and syntax. Pike and I escaped the questioning; I’d found that unless the workshops or classes were geared specifically toward alumni, instructors tended to leave visiting students alone. Pike didn’t lean over to chat anymore throughout the rest of the class, which was a relief, but he didn’t lean away, either. He was close throughout, arm still resting against mine, thighs occasionally brushing, or our feet would knock against one another under the desk. Every single time I’d tell myself that if this was Una, or Thira, it wouldn’t be making my heart jump the way it was. If this was Spock-- Actually, no. Spock would keep his limbs to himself.

Nevertheless, class passed without incident. I removed the headset as it ended, closing my eye for a moment to help it readjust. “Well, that was informative,” Pike piped up. I glanced over at him, nodding, and was more than a little relieved to find him focused on packing away his things. I turned back down to my PADD, saving the notes I’d taken as I saw Pike’s head turn back to me, presumably as a result of my lack of verbal response. “You heading back to the ship?” He prompted. “Ah-- No. There’s a language panel on Iconian in...”  I glanced at the time on my PADD, “Like ten minutes, so, I’m just gonna hang out here.” "Packed morning,” Pike commented, brows raised. I shrugged. “I just--” “Like to keep busy?” Pike finished knowingly, smiling. I returned the smile in spite of myself, nodding. “Exactly,” I confirmed. “Well, try to get some rest some time this week, lieutenant,” the Captain said, standing and patting me on the shoulder as he passed me. I returned my eyes to my PADD, unthinkingly answering, “Yeah, you, too.” I heard Pike’s steps falter, but I didn’t raise my eyes to meet what I was sure was a questioning gaze. I just reopened my Dominionese and reviewed my answers until I was sure he was gone. -- I did not want to go out. After the last 24 hours I’d had, I just wanted to take an extra long, extra hot shower and curl up in bed with my PADD and a bottle Risian wine. But I also knew that if I didn’t go, I wouldn’t hear the end of it from Thira -- and possibly from Una. I got to Liquara a little while after everyone else (the panel on Iconian had run long and delayed my getting back to the ship; I’d taken longer to get ready because I’d had to re-talk myself into going every five minutes). “You’re alive?” Thira teased as I settled into a seat beside hers and across from Una. There were a few others at the table - Spock, Nhan, and Connolly, as well as a few people from engineering that I vaguely recognized. “I was just telling everyone how you had your headphones on this morning and you were listening to something that sounded so harsh, but kinda...Lyrical. What was that?” Thira asked. The surrounding party looked at me expectantly and I answered, “Klingon poetry.” “I wasn’t aware there as an intensive on Klingon poetry this week,” Una commented, brow raised. “This was more of an independent study situation,” I admitted. “Is there anything in particular that sparked your sudden interest in such a topic?” Spock asked. I shrugged, reaching for a menu and skimming it in favor of meeting anyone’s eye. “Just had the urge, I guess,” I excused before looking around, “I haven’t been here in a while, so, someone refresh my memory: are the slush-o mixes worth the hangover?” -- I stayed out later than I had anticipated. I didn’t partake in many sugary alcoholic drinks on the Enterprise, so it didn’t take long for a decent buzz to kick in. People peeled off as the night wore on, until it was down to myself, Thira, Una, Spock, and Connolly -- practically the ready room crowd.

I should not have stayed out, though. I should’ve had one drink and then ducked out gracefully. But I’d become too engrossed in an argument with Spock (albeit a friendly one) on the effects (and logic) of using time travel to go back and change certain events. My idea was, if two totally separate events weren’t known to have any impact on one another, what would it matter which order you visited them in? “My point is, if I chose first to go back and stop T.S. Eliot from writing Old Possum’s Book of Practical Cats and then subsequently traveled forward in time and stopped Oppenheimer from designing the atomic bomb--” “Why would you choose to halt the writing of a book rather than the creation of a catastrophic weapon?” Spock asked. “Okay, two reasons: One - It is a time machine, Spock, I’d have literally nothing but time. Two-- No, actually, three reasons-- two, that book came out in 1939, the Manhattan Project didn’t start until 1942, so I think it is safe to say that despite its historical significance to mankind, I would not be doing the world a disservice by visiting those events in chronological order.” “And the third reason?” Una asked. "The movie CATS was the first step to the subsequent tanking of Universal Studios in the 22nd century, so that’s my first priority if I ever get a personal time machine,” I said simply. His laugh joined in with the others-- my ear caught on that sound, the way it had the night before. My eyes darted to the other end of the table, and I felt my smile falter a little. I had been so engrossed in my conversation with Spock that I hadn’t even noticed the Captain settled on the other side of Connolly. Pike’s eyes met mine as the laughter settled, and I gave him a quick smile before averting my eyes. I could feel Una looking at me, and when I raised my eyes to hers, I found her brow quirked. She peered around Connolly at the Captain. “What kept you?” She asked. “I was speaking with Admiral Cornwall about our next mission. Nothing for us to discuss tonight. How was the lecture?” He asked. When silenced followed the question, I realized it had been directed at me. I met Pike’s eye again. “Informative.” I left it there, picking up the menu again and looking it over. Part of me already know I was going to be switching to water, though. -- I remembered why I’d liked being called to the ready room so much at the beginning - when there were so many of us, before I was better acquainted with the Captain, it was easier for me to hang back; I didn’t feel as pressured to speak up. And at Liquara, with Una, Thira, and Connolly there to steer the conversation, and Spock to interject (heavily), I didn’t feel that the conversation lagged anywhere. And I was being good - keeping my eyes to myself, only looking at the Captain when he was speaking; smiling and laughing an appropriate amount, and definitely, definitely not thinking about that sigh of his name and the giggle I’d heard the night before. “Don’t tell me you’re leaving.” Thira had managed to catch what I had assumed was a subtle shrugging on of my jacket, but what to her was apparently a beacon of retreat. I gave her a small, regretful smile. “I just realized how late it is.” “You’re not going to the long-range sensor lab again, are you?” Spock asked, watching me. Unbeknownst to me, he’d been there himself the night before, and had actually left shortly before I had. I laughed a little, shaking my head. “No, not tonight. I’ve got an Exoarchaeology and the 22nd Century intensive that I’ve gotta be up for,” I excused, “I already settled up at the bar.” “I thought you were going to ask about their drink special,” Una pointed out, raising a brow. I shrugged as I stood. “And I did. Right before I settled up. Have a good night, guys,” I cast a quick smile around, careful not to let my eyes linger on anyone for too long before I turned and left. That had been good, right? Natural. I had contributed to the conversation, I hadn’t hung on the Captain’s every word like some giggling schoolgirl. I’d more than earned that extra long, extra hot shower. And maybe one Klingon poem. “Headed for the shuttles?” Every single instinct told me to walk faster, pretend I hadn’t heard him. I turned in spite of this. He wasn’t too far behind me. I stopped walking, giving him the chance the catch up. "Sort of our only way to get back to the ship right now, so, that was the plan,” I nodded. Pike pulled his communicator out, raising it to his lips. I was a little tipsy, but I was looking at the communicator, I swear, not at Pike’s mouth. “Pike to transporter room. Two to beam up.” “But--” Before I could finish my sentence, we were in the transporter room. “But?” Pike asked before nodding to the crew. I gave them a quick wave before stepping off of the pads behind Pike. “But I thought the transporter room was out of commission until the Enterprise’s diagnostic was complete,” I said, following Pike to the turbolift. “Diagnostic was completed this morning, Enterprise was cleared,” Pike reported, brow furrowing, “I mentioned that earlier.” Maybe he had; I had been making an active effort at the bar to not listen too intently to what he was saying, and apparently I’d done too good of a job. I nodded once. “Right. Sorry, I must have slush-o mix in my ears,” I muttered. We stepped onto the turbolift, each reaching for the control panel. Pike and I both lowered our hands, and I heard Pike murmur, “Go ahead.” I entered my destination before Pike entered his. There was a pause before the lift hummed. “...Lieutenant, may I ask you something?” “‘Course.” “Please don’t take this unkindly, but,” Oh god, “Is everything alright?” I turned a frown up at Pike, confused. “Why do you ask?” “You seem to be burying yourself in work. Between the lectures yesterday and this morning,” How did he know about yesterday? “The long-range sensor lab last night, your lecture tomorrow-- I’ve been told you took Onafuwa’s one-day intensive?” Una. Blabbermouth. “All compelling evidence, but need I remind you, Captain, that we are in the same turbolift right now because we just left the same bar?” I pointed out. Pike’s brow quirked. “Be that as it may, I just wanted to ask the question on the off-chance it needed asking.” I turned my head again to face the turbolift doors. “I’m alright, Captain.” “...Then why couldn’t you look me in the eye and say that?” “Is that why you left?” I asked, looking up at him then. “Excuse me?” “The bar. Is that why you left the bar? To ask me this?” He blinked once, twice, then pursed his lips, shook his head once and said, “No.” I couldn’t help the smug look that overtook my features as the turbolift doors opened on my floor. Looking back, I’d pass the boldness off on the copious amount of slush-o mix I’d had at the bar. “Never join the Starfleet poker league, Captain. You don’t bluff well,” I said before stepping off of the lift and leaving him behind.

[nayialovecat]

SATIM Contest no 2 - RESULTS!

Time to announce the results!

Even though there was relatively little work coming in, choosing a winner was still quite difficult. In the end I decided to award the main prize to one entrant and also distinction award to two others. I probably should first say what distinction awards I gave - to build the tension and then announce the winner, but…pff.

First, however, a few words about what was assessed. As I said at the very beginning, I was counting on your creativity and ingenuity, but I still wanted the reality of SATIM to be preserved. I absolutely didn't judge the syntax and grammar (in the case of literary works) or such nonsense as "drawing workshop" (in the case of drawing works).

Therefore, the assessment covered: + creativity, + how well the author reflected the reality of SATIM, + how many emotions this work evoked in me, + and what were the emotions.

Let me remind you... the task of the participants was to imagine out what happened with Searcher from that "Gift from the Prophet" strip.

Well, not extending...

The main prize is awarded to... drums here...

Sur-un-fil (tumblr) for her short story "Karma is a bitch".

(Now sorry, but I'll make spoiler of the story a bit... if you want to read the Sun-un-fil's story yourself first, stop reading at this point or skip the next paragraph. The same will be for the other works.)

What was amazing about this work? Well, first of all, Searcher (hereafter named Fifteen) did indeed show ingenuity in avoiding being eaten. A very good description of the inner experiences and characters' dialogues. Perfect depiction of Sammy (he was so wonderfully haughty and stunned by the whole situation). Maybe Bendy's reaction towards the end was too... scared? I would have expected Bendy to be more "meh, this ain't worth the trouble," but still good. Apart from that, I don't have any remarks about the SATIM reality. This story is dynamic, witty and inventive, and the ending reminds me a bit of my own strip, or rather a bonus to this one from the second series called "Deal with Demon" (which is funny 'cause originally this strip was supposed to be in place, which now has the "Gift from Prophet" strip - you really can't fool fate, lol).

The first distinction award goes to...

SoberCupcake (deviantArt) for her drawing entitled "Fate of A Searcher".

Well, Searcher cannot be denied ingenuity - it's not easy in two minutes to come up with something that will make Bendy gag instead of salivate when he sees you. This drawing also reminds me a bit of the "Deal with Demon" strip - now I want to show it to you and put it in a sketch version, but no, I'll be strong... You can wait. We'll get to it the normal way... Anyway, the very well-preserved reality of SATIM. It made me laugh.

The second distinction award goes to...

YangireNeko (deviantArt) for her untitled short story (I have allowed myself to be tentatively titled "Hide and Seek").

I appreciate very much such little subtleties from SATIM, like Bendy's hiding the ink stains, but at times I felt some tension here. I mean, Searcher didn't know certain things that he literally should have known, and the rules of the game were changed a bit from the original strip. Nevertheless… as Sammy always says, the Searchers are useless drones, let's put it down to the hero's stupidity. But the end simply captivated me. I think I have some fetish, but I just love the scenes where Bendy eats someone. By the way, thank you for referring to the description under the original strip, I'm always happy when I see someone reading this.

So now I am waiting for my winners' descriptions, what do they want drawn as a prize ^ ^

Sur-un-fil receives the main prize and therefore a colour drawing. For distinction awards, I provide for cleansed linearts. Both type of rewards operate on the same principles, that is, let me remind you: + no 18+, + I do not draw characters that I don't know (what I know you can ask in any way: via e-mail, private message, chat, etc.), + if I have to draw your OC, please provide links to information/drawings with it or send these information/drawings via chat, e-mail or private message, + the background can be, but not complicated, + there can be more than one character, + and, of course, I don't wish any content that would offend anyone (for example: racism).

If your prize is to be a fanart, I undertake to draw it in my own style or original style (although then I don't guarantee 100% fidelity to the original).

I would like to thank everyone for their participation, I congratulate the winners on their greatful victories and I can't wait to start drawing your prizes!

[fantranslatorbychoice]

Kakuriyo no Yadomeshi Volume 6 Chapter 4 - Secret Girls' Night-out

T/N: Hi y’all, it’s me again, it took a bit longer because I did my best to beta-as much as I could, but if it’s still wonky, I apologize, it's not like I get paid to do it lol also it's rather challenging when I had to convert my brain waves from Japanese to English to my native language and however those combinations work just to spew all of these out in sufficiently passable English. So I hope you all don't mind stuff like typos or inconsistencies with the tenses srsly even the original text has that and I just literally gave up evening out the tenses, like really apparently it's no biggie to have an entire paragraph in Japanese that both has past and present tenses (they mostly don't have future tenses) but if that happened in English some would just nitpick that shit out. I mean, yeah, for sure when I do editing and get paid for it I would, but if I'm just reading fanfics from writers who don't have English as their native language I just don't give a hoot, as long as the story's good, to heck with grammar, spelling and syntax. Srsly some non-native EN speakers get turned-off or even scared when nitpickers hit on their imperfect spellings or grammar or dictions, srsly honestly just give them a break, they worked hard to learn another language. I felt this even more so when I started learning Nihongo, like srsly as long as a person gets to say what they want to say even if it's not perfect in anyway, then that's more than enough for me.  srsly I am forgiving like that. Also this chapter has more notes than usual, especially regarding Nihongo and stuff, so if you don't like it you can always move along lololol Also I gave up, I'm keeping the titles and roles in Japanese i.e. Odanna-sama, Wakadanna-sama, Bantou-san, etc. I'll just stick in more notes instead lol

Also if you like this translation, you can heart it, share the link, reblog, I just respectfully ask that DO NOT REPOST ELSEWHERE. This is my contribution to the scant English content of this fandom, and I worked really hard to finish this thing, it’s not like I just copy-pasted everything. I even had to build the kanji in Jisho one by one. Try it and you’ll see what I mean.You can rave about this, rant about this, but if possible please link back to this page. If you’re unsure how to do that, just copy the web address of this page. If you’re on a blogsite just insert the web address as a hyperlink as a link back to here. Honestly if this light novel was officially-published in English, I wouldn’t even be doing this right now... And if it did, I’d take this offline to support the publishers and Yuuma-sensei. Creators support creators, is what I believe in. As previously-mentioned in earlier chapters, if you stumbled upon this one, the two seasons of the anime covered volumes 1-5, so other than the extra details, you didn’t miss much stuff. OK, with all of that out of the way, here's Chapter 4 now. P116 "Th... These are... The Southern Lands' cultured Japanese amberjack**... A bundle of Kiseki beef.. And there are so many other local products from the Southern Lands too. Ah, there's even the coconut oil that I always wanted!" So many extravagant ingredients have been hauled into Yugao, and I was flabbergasted by them all. There were also so many cans of various contents as well as dried fish and other products stuffed inside. Canned tuna and other canned stuff were considered as high-end products in Kakuriyo, and I am very grateful. Ginji-san and the Daruma gang from the kitchens delivered a box packed with so many ingredients to Yugao, and we had no idea why. "Well, the Dog said that these are their repayment to our kindness. It's because a while ago, Ranmaru came to Tenjin-ya." "Really, Ranmaru from Orio-ya?" "Hatori-san also came too, with him." In some way, Ginji-san's mood was good. For a while now, his nine fluffy tails were wagging from left to right. "It's from our head accountant Byakuya-san, Aoi-san's rewards for your achievement, and for Tenjin-ya's cooperative business venture and all sorts of other demands that were deemed justifiable, and because they wanted to give other things as a way of expressing their gratitude, they brought in many other souvenirs and products as well. They also exchanged with us various other information." T/N: This is related to tuna fish, but don't ask me how they cultured it. Probably in the open sea, like in sea cages. Yes, that's a thing, and yeah I was also in the fishing industry at some point in time, if you're wondering. Also if you're wondering why I rarely use "you" in the dialogues of the translations, it's because in polite Japanese conversations, instead of saying ANATA or OMAE= you, one's name is mentioned instead. In the original text, when people are talking to each other, rather than say "you" they say the other person's name or occupation + san instead i.e. bengoshi-san= lawyer san, Ginji-san, or if it's a username because they don't like using their true names- USERNAME-san. Because using "you" in any way, shape or form in conversations is deemed rude AF. So the next time you chat with Japanese people, please remember to address them by their name, or occupation, unless you've established rapport with them. I forgot to put this explanation in my earlier posts, but it's one of the most important stuff I learned in my Japanese classes, the Japanese folk won't care so much on grammar but more on being polite and taking care of remembering social status stratification aka just be polite by using polite terms. I actually experienced this first hand after chatting with some of them, they just told me not to use Google translate and just chat with them with whatever I know. They're very grateful when people could talk to them in their native tongue, especially when the honorifics are used. This note's long AF but I did say that I'm gonna drag you all with me in this whole learning Nihongo thing, and I'm doing just that. P117 "That friendly Ranmaru did that? Doesn't he hate Tenjin-ya?" "Hee hee. Well, don't take this too seriously, OK?" Even though saying it that way, I imagined that Ranmaru's horrible words and demeanour were probably due to his circumstances. Orio-ya sees Tenjin-ya as its rival, it's hard to imagine them having an image of humbly bringing over souvenirs. And the business dealings, I wonder what those are...? "Oh that, Ranmaru saw that you had a strong sense of duty. He wanted to particularly express his gratitude to Aoi-san." And thereupon, these ingredients from the Southern Lands. Stuff I rarely get hold of, especially something like that one round amberjack, and I unconsciously grinned. "Even so, if the circumstances allowed, he would have stopped by and said it himself** ..." "It was before Aoi-san's business hours, and Ranmaru is also busy it seems, so he had to go back immediately. Even I wanted to take our time since I thought it was fine, but it can't be helped... Because Ranmaru is the Southern Lands' Hachiyo." "Ha ha. Then what happens next is that if it's possible, Ginji-san will go to Orio-ya, won't he? Nothing's stopping you two from visiting each other now?" "Aoi-san...." Up until recently, Ginji-san and Ranmaru's long sibling feud previously ended sometime ago, and the long-standing so-called inn rivalry and clash between Orio-ya and Tenjin-ya has been cut. T/N: aisatsu=挨拶=greeting, introducing one's self, improving relations by dropping by every now and then, can also mean like popping up to say hi or whatnot. I don't know how to directly translate it since aisatsu has more of a sense of how a supervisor pops up in the work place or a teacher suddenly appears in a class just to check, it's not as informal as a neighbor dropping by the house just to have idle chitchat. Hweh. P118 But after the ceremony, the changed relationship between the two has been noticeable. "Oh, that, I see. Someday soon, I will take a break and go visit him too." "Yeah, I agree, that's great. Oh, I wonder if everyone's doing well... Hatori-san and Tokihiko-san, Hideyoshi and Nene, the cute twin chefs.. And Nobunaga." "It seems that everyone's doing fine. The twins Kai-san and Mei-san, Orio-ya profoundly realized that they're really suited to be chefs, and everyone seems to cheer them on, Hatori-san was still the same as ever, but sometimes he returns to Shumonzan. He says that he bickers with Matsuba-sama as always, but one way or another they've become in good terms with each other." Ginji-san asked Ranmaru, and he told things about Orio-ya's management staff. I see, everyone in each of their own way have been doing their best to move on forward. "Oh, and somehow Hideyoshi-san and Nene-san seems to have been engaged." "Whaaat? Why that fast?" Wait a minute. Hideyoshi knew that Nene-chan has decided, that she likes Ranmaru, wasn't it? But that's what Hideyoshi said... My astonished face must have looked funny, and Ginji-san turned away his face and giggled. "It's surely shocking, isn't it? Why, it's amazing, Hideyoshi was especially honest and manly. P119 I simply cannot..." Ginji-san let out a tiny laugh again. What is it about his old haunting grounds, being delighted at the many changes in Orio-ya? At any rate, I was surprised with Hideyoshi and Nene's engagement. Firstly, congratulations Hideyoshi. You thought that your unrequited love has been going on for so long, it was outside your thoughts early on, but now your love bore its fruit. I'm glad, as I'm rooting for you on from the sides. What the heck, behind my back, how did they get involved in that, that was surprisingly an unusual story, if I meet Nene this time I need to get information from her. "But the when the trustworthy Waka-danna** and Waka-Okami** get married, Orio-ya will surely become peaceful, and Ranmaru will also be pleased. Certainly after the marriage, their organization will grow even stronger. He'll get exhausted if it's just Ranmaru holding everything together." "Isn't Tenjin-ya also reasonably solid?" "I guess, although the position for Waka-Okami easily changes. Originally the person in that position is supposed to only resign once, but right now Kikuno-san has temporarily retired as the Young Mistress and supposed to come back. However, there have been circumstances in her family, and she immediately relinquished her seat as the Waka-Okami." "Ehh, like that?" After showing my disbelief, Ginji-san sadly nodded.

T/N: Waka-danna=young master, Waka-Okami=young mistress P120 "If it comes to that, when a new Waka-Okami doesn't hold the position for very long, we can say that there's a gifted person in Tenjin-ya, and it's only a little issue.** Likewise, during that matter with Orio-ya, we in the management staff really wanted the former Waka-Okami O-ryo san to come back and give it another go. Her abilities are very outstanding." "Even I too... I was shocked to see O-ryo completely doing her job well. Even Nene, one way or another admires her so much." "Yes, I agree. But, oh well... O-ryo-san returning to her former position, it's already a huge chance and a necessity. Right now she's drifting away from supporting her fellow waiters and waitresses, well, O-ryo-san must be intending to. To me, she seems to be enjoying having lesser responsibilities and more carefree in her current position." "Well, that's for sure..." Based on how Ginji-san talked about it, lately it seems that O-ryo has no obsession on the position of Waka-Okami. A little bit until recently, she seems, to have returned the bearing of her Waka-Okami decorum, but lately she's wholly just wanting to eat and eat, when she finally gets some free time she goes to Yugao, and lately has been persisting on going out hunting for marriage partners. However, I could say with confidence that she seems to be taking advantage of being relieved of her position as a Waka-Okami , and surely Tenjin-ya will realize that they need O-ryo's abilities. O-ryo's strength, is diligently doing her duties in that position. "Anyway, Aoi-san. I was preparing and building up the Autumn Festival here in Tenjin-ya at the end of this month, and I was thinking of using pumpkins, is it possible for Yugao to make Autumn foods and sweets for us?" T/N: Honestly double-triple negatives are a pain in the ass, srsly it's like inception to the nth power, I had trouble deciphering this line and almost this entire page in the original text so if it doesn't make sense, meh, I did my best within my current abilities. P121 "Pumpkin? Of course. It's gonna be fun, like Halloween." "Oh, right! There's a foreign festival called Halloween in Utsushiyo, but I thought it's impossible to recreate that here in in Kakuriyo, though I could imagine it to be made into a Pumpkin Festival." "Oh, not at all, we can make that same Halloween theme here because Tenjin-ya is mostly full of Ayakashi." A Japanese Halloween that doesn't use costumes... "But certainly, this year's pumpkins are delicious, so Pumpkin Festival sounds good, doesn't it? It's also a great idea to give out candies to our young guests." "We can probably decorate with paper lanterns and pumpkins too. We can place ogre-fire inside, and make them float all around Tenjin-ya." "Wow! That's very much like Utsushiyo's Halloween!" Why, the Autumn Festival goes well with the Pumpkin Event and our imaginations ran wild. "Also, Aoi-san. Pumpkins are not Odanna-sama's favorite." "..." Abruptly, the topic on Odanna-sama popped up, and I stiffened a bit. Some days ago, we came back from the orchard park date. I remembered being hugged in the airship's deck...** "How are you feeling, Aoi-san? Why is your face all red?" T/N: **insert lenny face here** You can't stop me wahahaha P122 "Hm? Oh, it's nothing, this is nothing. Odanna-sama not liking pumpkins, I wonder if I somehow  asked that before..." "Oh, right. I saw that Odanna-sama often puts a lot of his boiled pumpkins in Byakuya-san's small bowl." "...really, isn't Odanna-sama unbelievable?" "Yes, he is. I don't know when Byakuya-san patience will end, but I want Odanna-sama to overcome his distaste for pumpkins." "You're right. His pickiness for food would not end... In this event I will feed Odanna-sama with the pumpkin cuisines I wanted him to try..." I haven't yet known what Odanna-sama likes, but I know what food he doesn't like. It wasn't at all regretable to make fun of Odanna-sama, but this time I got surprised. "Aoi-sama-- Manjuu-steaming has been finished!" Ai-chan's face suddenly popped out of the kitchen. She seemed to have established her affairs in Hyakumeyama, and she has changed her appearance to that which she made herself. Her time before returning to the pendant is still short, but she's working hard right now as a newly-hired employee. "You were steaming manjuu**? I thought I was smelling something good." "Yeah. Just a while ago Dr. Saraku was asked by Tenjin-ya to do some manufacturing trials for a new souvenir product.** T/N:  Steamed bread with bean jam filling. They’re really good, try them when you can!

when I write souvenir product, it's translated from omiyage=お土産= something that you take home for your friends or family when you go have fun somewhere like a national park or a museum or amusement park. Like when you buy takeaways -  T-shirts, food, keychains, etc. and bring them home or something. Is there an English equivalent for this? Because I don't know. In my native language we have an equivalent, well, for most Asian languages I guess. Don't know about others though.. Hm.... korewa....*inhales* O_O

P123 "We're still only in the middle of improving it, but once we're done we want Ginji-san to be the very first to try them out." "Wah, that sounds fun. When Byakuya-san saw the special products from Orio-ya, he also also saw the need for Tenjin-ya to make new specialties and other famous products, and he's going to be considerably sensitive about it." "Uhm.... But we have no confidence to meet that expectation..." If we couldn't get to sell all of the products that we made, what will we do if Tenjin-ya gets struck greatly by that? What will we do if Tenjin-ya's status and popularity crashes down? With regards to that, we had to think very hard. For Yugao as a small establishment it is a challenge, and the pressure feels a bit different. "It's alright. With regards to hit products, through time and through fads, luck always has a greater control. To me, the only thing needed by Dr. Saraku are failures no matter how many times, in his division. That is why it is important to fail when tackling new challenges." ".. Ginji-san..." "Because I think, we become stronger, don't we?" Ginji-san's relieving smile is so bright, even today it's promising. Having his support, for today as well, I will work harder for Yugao's business operations. P124 The next day, around noon. Tomorrow Tenjin-ya will be closed for a break. Since today Tenjin-ya's business operations will end and all shall check out at the same time, everyone's waiting to be free of work. Today, Yugao also has no business transactions, so tonight I was making up my mind to call all of the ladies to make hotpot. I was thinking of calling out all about to all the members who could attend, I only need to walk to the inner garden. "Oh, it's Kasuga." I noticed Kasuga first. On the other side of the log bridge, she was under the ginko tree. I was about to call out "Hey Kasuga--" but she seems to be talking to someone and I stopped. Behind the base of the ginko tree whose yellow leaves were slightly changing color, what the... Kasuga is usually cheerful but her face now weirdly has this blank expression. "Isn't that..." Beside her, it was Chiaki-san, the doorman in charge of the footwear. A Bake-Tanuki like Kasuga. Normally he doesn't get involved with her much deeply, but this time their dialogues seem to be at a crossroads. I thought that the young man was humble and modest, somehow trying his best to look cool, but somehow he is speaking to Kasuga with a harsh expression, the atmosphere doesn't seem good in there, the impression is very different from the usual funny and light. What is up with those two. These two were different from how I knew them. "Oh, Aoi-chan." P125 From far away, Kasuga noticed me, her Tanuki ears popped up, and rushed towards me. "Aoi-chan, are you going to the main building?" "Ehhhrm, yeah. That was weird, seeing the two of you." "You think so? Chiaki is my relative you know. We were just talking." "Oh, I see..." I don't understand but, I wonder what's normal for those two. "Speaking of, Kasuga, tonight, uhm, won't you come to Yugao after work?" "To Yugao? To make me eat food?" "Yeah. I was thinking of actually holding a ladies-only hotpot banquet. I'll set up the kotatsu, and there's also mountain apple liquor. Let's have a girls' night-out once in a while." "Girls night-out..." Kasuga said "That sounds so much fun" with a wicked Tanuki face. I wonder if she's recalling amusing stories she got out of everyone. "I was thinking of calling O-ryo and Shizuna-chan too. I'm going out to meet them now." "If you say so, I'll go tell them. I'm roommates with Shizuna-chan, and I'm assigned to the banquet hall with O-ryo sama." P126 "Oh, is it OK to ask? Sorry about that." "It's fine, it's like the usual running of errands." Smiling like a beast, Kasuga nimbly dashed away. Under the deep autumn air that feels cold, her fluffy Tanuki tail swings left to right. "..." Looking back at the ginko tree, Chiaki-san the chief doorman wasn't there anymore. I wonder what the two talked about. He seemed to have casually listened to the girls night-out plan. The strong mountain apple liquor, lend me your strength... "Aoi-dono" "Wah, Sasuke-kun!" Without warning, Sasuke-kun the O-niwaban fell down beside me. He has a long scarf hanging down his neck, ninja-style from sunrise to sunset. Normally, during the day he usually wears a monk's robe as he sweeps the garden. "What's up? Something happened during work?" "I am patrolling around. Lately, there has been some disturbances." "Well, tomorrow the inn will have its break, it must be difficult. Are you hungry?" "Ah, my stomach is..." P127 Grrrrrmmmmm. Sasuke-kun's hungry stomach made some noise. "My stomach is probably hungry..." "Hee hee. When your duties are done, while on break come to Yugao. We received a lot from Orio-ya, blessings from the sea. The Southern Lands were also grateful to Sasuke-kun, would you want anything?" "Is that true?" Sasuke-kun always had a cool expression, but when it comes to food his eyes sparkle with joy, like  a child's. Realizing that he's let out his enthusiasm, he cleared his throat and hid his mouth with the scarf while saying "Well then, until later," and he disappeared into the wind. Sasuke-kun is just as always very earnest, it's adorable. "Nevertheless, some disturbance..." I heard about that by accident, recently. The disturbance, it's shady, things don't look good, among other things. I was working and doing my best in Yugao, and whatever lurks up in my surroundings I don't notice anything at all. But, at the moment I don't know about  the things that have started happening, and I got more anxious and worried. P128 Today is a secret girls; night-out, no guys allowed. It's going to happen after Yugao's working hours, a hotpot party will be opened for the ladies of Tenjin-ya. Today it's not at Yugao, the venue will be at my room at the back, and I will bring out the kotatsu. Tonight's dinner will be amberjack shabu-shabu. We'll make a light konbu/kelp dashi amberjack shabu-shabu from the many seafoods from Orio-ya. "We'll use the top shelf kelp to make the konbu dashi for the seafoods of the Southern Lands. It's a hotpot filled with crunchy mustard greens and thinly-sliced daikon, Welsh onions and enoki mushrooms, I'm going to fill it with amberjack as much as I want." "OK--- Let's eat!" Despite it being after work, the ladies' eyes will get fired up. I wonder if that's the case when they get hungry after working hours. I immediately placed in the fatty slices of amberjack in the hotpot's boiled  konbu dashi, and let it cook. I will add in here some ponzu for that single tingly flavor.** "Ahhh, what is this luxury. It's been a while since I had amberjack shabu-shabu..." "O-ryo sama, eat the vegetables too. Adding the thinly-sliced daikon makes this a shabu-shabu." "Alright, I get it..." O-ryo just ate only the amberjack, and Kasuga sneakily added in the vegetables. She also placed some of the boiled enoki, and placed a lot of the dashi along with the fish slices, placing all of these together she took a bite. T/N: Sour-tasting soups are best with fatty meats and fish, so I'd get that Aoi would do this to cut the fat and make the shabu-shabu taste even better and also to cut the fat and greasy feels. P129 The two closed their eyes in contentment. Certainly, when the raw amberjack was cooked over a flame, the entire flavor of the fish changes. Instantly the soft slices of amberjack became tough, and over that ponzu was added,  this was entirely different when eaten as sashimi or with pickles, it can be an enjoyable, extravagant yet healthy food. Well, not really, it's just the season to eat hotpot deliciously. "Speaking of, what time is Shizuna-chan coming?" "The bath hours haven't ended yet, I think she'll come over after fixing and cleaning up the bath houses. She's the only one from the management staff, and she has to stay in her working area up until the end of business hours." "Oh, yeah. I see. Shizuna-chan is part of the management staff." I lightly glanced at O-ryo. O-ryo was a former management staff member, but she seems to be unaffected by my words. It seems that the person in question enjoys whatever working position she's in right now, and is drinking carbonated water as well as the mountain apple liquors equally. Somewhat it's like being that annoying single office-lady... "Perhaps I should say it- did you know? Orio-ya's Nene is married to their Waka-danna?" "No, aren't they just engaged? It seems like that for the time being, before getting married?" P130 Uhm, Kasuga and I looked at each other. But O-ryo wasn't listening. "Hmmph. That young girl, she'll be suffering so much marrying so young. That Waka-danna called Hideyoshi, that tiny squirt, he'll noisily scold her." "You think so? I've seen that Hideyoshi, he seems good enough. Well, he is pretty noisy. But he seems to like Nene very much, I think it's wonderful that he got his feelings through." I feel like an aunty who's earnestly chatting away about her relatives. If I could talk about it better, those two make a cute, tiny couple. "Gah! Enough chatting about a guy's love for some girl! I am not interested in the happiness of other people!" With a thud, O-ryo slapped her empty wine glass on the kotatsu. "Ahhhh, O-ryo sama don't start complaing about envying other people..." As always, Kasuga started telling her off with her "good grief!" pose. "I'm sorry I'm late--" A breath of fresh air, Shizuna-chan has joined the party.** Shizuna-chan takes care of the bath houses and bears the task of keeping them in order, and is Tenjin-ya's sole management staff for that purpose. "Shizuna, you're late! The battle has already started!" T/N: well the transliteration of the original text was "Shizuna-chan has arrived in the battlefield", but I think this has the same feel, from RPGs honestly IDK anymore lol anyways IMO food parties are always a battlefield so wth it's the same gahaha P131 "Ah, yes--? I'm sorry, ehhh, a battle?" After that, even if O-ryo was just a waitress who glared at her instantly, Shizuna-chan humbly apologized. It seemed that she had no idea what O-ryo meant with her words of choice. Shizuna-chan brought a box for us, filled with so many delicious sweets.This seemed delicious to eat as dessert. "Shizuna-chan, come sit beside me. Say, do you like amberjack shabu-shabu?" Shizuna-chan rarely visits here. I did my best to take care of whatever she needs. "Well, it has been a while since I had some amberjack shabu-shabu, how nostalgic..." "Oh, right. When you were young, you were a staff at Orio-ya. During that time, did you ate a lot?" "Yes, it was my favorite. Shishou-sama** made a lot of it for me..." Talking while bashfully fidgeting, Shizuna-chan started to eat with a lot of etiquette. Suddenly, O-ryo started looking at Shizuna-chan like a sister-in-law. "I say, uhm, Shizuna? There's someone in Orio-ya like you, who's also nice and has good vibes?" "Yes? A person with good vibes?" "Hey, weren't you explicitly pursued here in Tenjin-ya? Who was it.... That guy who looks withered up, called Tokihiko. You like someone who looks bitter and glum, don't you? It's illogical and unadult-like. Don't think that somehow you're under the shadow of that guy.. *hic*" T/N: I don't know how to call the main artist or the one who takes in a lot of disciples or students or apprentices so this is the next best thing, I guess? I mean, it’s directly translated as Master=師匠-Shishou, but it can mean other stuff, not just like sensei though. P132 "Oh, uhm.. that.. Shishou-sama.... he is uhm..." Shizuna-chan's face started blushing, like she had some beer or whatnot. Once that conversation was started, she immediately got perplexed. "Wait a minute, O-ryo! Shizuna-chan just started eating, don't ask her such direct questions, her throat might block off the shabu-shabu." "You're loud Aoi! Shut up, what's more important than looks are the uses**, you crazed-cook!" "What the.." Whom on earth did she think this hotpot party was prepared for? When O-ryo drinks liquor, she always blurts out unapologetic things. "Haaahhh... Aoi may be crazy about cooking, but in the end, eventually she'll get married to Odanna-sama... He'll pick up an excessively-expensive palanquin for you, you won't understand how miserable I am..." "What the heck are you saying... I'm doing my best to avoid being his fiancee." "But Aoi-chan, didn't you and Odanna-sama went out, and you were away for more than a night?" "Hold up, Kasuga, it's a weird, story, it can't be helped. We were captured by the mountain's Kaku-zaru." "Ah, but.. Odanna-sama pulled you out of a pinch, didn't that made you have a change of heart? Or some progress?"

T/N: hanayoridango=function before looks, like buying food first before buying flowers, yeah that’s the literal meaning of the phrase. P133 "...what?" A while ago Shizuna-chan got asked the same kind of questions. Suddenly, the  three girls gazed at me. What the, what's up with their eyes, those three? They look like hyenas having an eye on their prey. "I.. I didn't mean it that way! Uhmm... Odanna-sama just.. gives his all as he saves me..." Speaking of progress, what on earth is progressing right now? My first-hand experiences weren't much, and even using those as my basis, I still don't understand. In the end, somehow despite never having an idea on what occurred, the warmth I felt when I was hugged just abruptly pops back again into my mind, and ultimately my face remains blushing, as I chattered and gritted my teeth in silence. I really don't understand this, I wonder... what is this feeling? "What the heck is that..?" "Yeah, what gives? It's weird, Aoi-chan's face is so red, why is that?" I could hear Kasuga and Shizuna-chan somewhat breaking the silence with their hushed conversations. "OK--- that's enough talking about sweethearts and whatnot--  That's every last one of them--" "Yeah, I heard you, I heard you!" O-ryo had enough of the topic already, and she rolled down into the kotatsu with an angry and dead-drunk expression. She probably got one-punched...** T/N: Yeah I feel you O-ryo, when everyone has some special someone and you're the lonely third wheel I mean, I can't blame you girl, I really can't. It's worse than getting one-punched by Saitama, but... Still lol tho sry my bad P134 "O-ryo sama, with that middle-aged man attitude such as yours, you'll miss your chances of getting married." "Kasuga? With the romance that a little girl-chama like you would know, wouldn't have an idea on what love is like, there's no such thing as an immediate fated encounter. Really esteemed women like me, wouldn't have to rush in choosing.There's no leeway for mistakes--" "Yeah, yeah. But regarding myself, I have a first love..." "What, that story about when you were young? Yeah, yeah, sure, that story that smells of inexperience is good enough. Kasuga, go pour me some more.." "Y-yes... Good grief..." The esteemed woman bully lied down again. And as the junior poured more liquor for her, she drank heartily, again. "But Kasuga, speaking of that, during the day, I saw you being with the Gesokuban** Chiaki-san. What on earth were you two chatting about?" "....uhm..." I suddenly remembered it, and without thinking I asked. Kasuga's facial expression slightly changed. "Reallyyyyy?! What the, Kasuga is with that Chiaki?!" Hearing that topic, O-ryo suddenly bolted upright. She kicked her legs inside the kotatsu, and Shizuna-chan let out a tiny, pained "ouch". "What is it, O-ryo?" "Chiaki may look sloppy and gaudy, but so many waitresses are eyeing on him. Not only does his face look good,

T/N: Gesokuban=下足番= doorman in charge of the footwear, normally in Japanese inns or hotels the footwear are kept outside the halls to prevent dirt from coming in. I think elsewhere in the world this is a practice, there’s a thing called indoor and outdoor slippers or shoes. P135 but being a Gesokuban, he's pretty much a member of the management staff. If he gets married, it's easy to dominate him. That's what I understand from hearing other people. Kasuga, he's also your type?" "...what are you talking about, O-ryo sama? Chiaki is my Uncle. Simply put, my father's younger brother.**" "Whaaa... Really?" Everyone got shocked. Everyone in here seemed to be unaware of that fact. Kasuga went "Uh-oh". Her face spelled out "I shouldn't have said that." "It's probably due to this liquor.. I may have said too much..." Kasuga was scratching an itch on her temple. Taking the opportunity, Shizuna-chan suddenly seemed to have remembered something. "Speaking of that... Kasuga is taking a long vacation to go back to her parents' home, and at the same time, Chiaki-san probably won't we working too, isn't it? Could it possibly be that, he's going home with you?" Somehow, a lot of suspicions and doubts started rising up, and Kasuga started clamoring and wailing. "Geez... stop it already! What I told you is already enough! More importantly, hotpot! Look, the mustard greens and onions, and the tofu had all boiled down.The umami of the vegetables and the amberjack have already dissolved into this precious konbu dashi, and it's considerably better now. Aoi-chan, how are we going to divide this?" With dexterity, Kasuga started distributing the contents of the hotpot into smaller bowls, but I was still determined to press information out of her. This girl is pushily taking charge over the hotpot... T/N: I don't know about you guys, but in some families due to the age gaps between the siblings, some of the nieces and nephews ar more closer in age to their aunts and uncles than the aunts and uncles have to the children's parents. I was actually raised by an elder cousin, and her eldest brother was around the age of my father, so yeah, I could understand how this whole thing with Kasuga goes. P136 "Ok, with this, it's definitely udon!" "Udon!" "Yeah let's do that" Shizuna-chan gratefully put her hands together, and O-ryo's sparkling eyes were on standby. Immediately, the udon balls were brought in, and these were dunked into the deliciously-filled dashi stock. After boiling it down, we only had to wait for the noodles to absorb the flavors. "By the way, you all, what do you think of the single guys in Tenjin-ya?" "Yes?" "Do you have anything funny about them to talk about?" While O-ryo poured some newly-opened liquor, she drunkenly pushed the question at me. This woman, sets herself aside and starts gossiping about Tenjin-ya's male army. "First of, let's start with Akatsuki. That guy's the youngest male in the management staff, he may have a promising future, surely being young his composure isn't yet enough, I think. Well, in desperate times I could say that he's adorable, but he's the type that holds grudges, and it's not a good thing that he easily snaps out. For certain, I think he doesn't have a girl." "It seems that O-ryo sama has a problem with the Bantou** -sama snapping out at her words and deeds, don't you?" "Shut up Kasuga--" "Owwwww" T/N:Bantou=番頭=head clerk, or the head receptionist

P137 O-ryo pulled out Kasuga's cheeks. Kasuga's cheeks stretched out so much. "Akatsuki-san's face is a bit scary, but he is a hard-working employee, in my opinion. But, well... I'm not interested in someone younger than me..." "That's right Shizuna, you have an older guy fetish don't you?" "Yeah, the guy has been living for 500 years now, yes..." Shizuna-chan just casually blurted out that she wasn't interested in Akatsuki. She's probably a bit drunk. She's drinking the mountain apple liquor on the rocks... "Akatsuki, you say... When I met him he shouted like he was going to kill me, that guy gave me the impression that he was the worst but... Now I think he's a really good chap. One way or another way though, he's not someone who likes taking care of others. I remember her younger sister.." That child** comes here to Yugao, his eyes may look evil but he's a caring person. Surely, I think that he's concerned about troubling his younger sister Suzuran and grandpa, among others. "Oh, and by the way..." At this point, Kasuga secretly pulled out a notebook and started telling us the stuff that she wrote. What the... What the heck, that is scary. "According to my research, the Bantou-sama doesn't have a woman's touch on him. He's aloof, and he easily and earnestly gets resentful. It also seems that despite the lady waitresses asking him out to have fun, he always doesn't go with them." "As expected..." T/N: the term Yuuma-sensei used for Akatsuki is mame=マメ=bean, but can also mean a child, a little person, etc. Honestly it's not wrong, Akatsuki is an actual precious bean IMO lol protect that spider bean lelz P138 "But that guy, a little girl once invited him to play with her..." Surprisingly, I thought this was a bit rude. Most likely, Akatsuki is sneezing a lot right now. "Wah, udon, udon--" Finally, the udon has been boiled enough. Everyone started putting udon on their bowls. "Gahh... This is it. The udon to finish the hotpot."** "Cooking this in the dashi makes it yummier, doesn't it?" The udon has surely absorbed the umami and the fatty flavors of the amberjack. I added the refreshing taste of the Sudachi Ponzu in mine. This went smoothly down the throat, and this perfectly wraps up the the meal. No, I mean, this is a work of art. "Hey Aoi, you only drank one glass of the liquor? You go drink some more..." "Sorry but, I dont drink more than a cup. Previously, drinking made my eyes hurt when I look at things." A cup of that liquor tastes great. But I dread getting drunk if I drink more than my limit. But everyone was just drinking heartily, so I guess it's fine. The mountain apple liquor also has another nickname, it's called "Easy Bandit-Killer". "Well then, next is the Waka-danna sama's turn" O-ryo continued the conversation where we previously left off. "Waaat? Even Ginji-san?! But.. Isn't Ginji-san perfect? No, a perfect Youkai? I couldn't find any fault with him." T/N: Just in case you're wondering how this works, it's rather easy.. After eating all of the ingredients in the Japanese hotpot, like taking out the veggies and meat, there's a lot of soup left. It's easier to just drink the soup but in Japan, they add stuff to help it go down easy. Choices are either noodles or rice, and the young ones love putting the noodles in. It actually tastes good either way, but I prefer noodles. I think in Persona 5 they also had this same dilemma lol Also yeah Ginji is just the ball, perfect ball of fur lol but he also has this shadowy and mysterious side so if you want a dude of mystery, Ginji's your man gahahaha P139 "Eh. You don't understand, Aoi. Seeing no faults or imperfections is that person's shortcoming-" An adultish smile floating up her face, O-ryo started spinning her glass around. "Waka-danna sama is, well, fanstastic. When you look at him he's handsome, he is well-mannered, and is skillful at his job." "Yeah I get that. He's very sweet, and he always lends a hand... But for sure, Ginji-san seems to have no interests in romantic relationships..." Even I haven't unraveled the reasons to why Ginji-san is still single. But I'm not surprised that he's well-liked. "Oh, well, based on what O-ryo-san was saying, Ginji-sama has no chink in his armor, doesn't he? When a little girl couldn't get any confidence from everyone and has to hold it together by herself, when that perfect Ginji-sama sees that person, his voice would probably not break so easily." "The Waka-danna sama isn't a greedy type, but look, what Aoi-chan is saying is that the Waka-danna seems to have no hobbies or interests. Aoi-chan doesn't understand how, but among the employees he seems to be the type that only admires one person. In that case, his attraction for this one girl could unfortunately end. And she won't be pursued relentlessly." Oh, I get it... Shizuna-chan and Kasuga pointed this out, and I could understand it better. "But after that thing with Orio-ya, somehow the air around the Waka-danna sama has changed, didn't it? T/N: OK I just translated from Japanese what I'd say if I was fan-girling over Ginji, srsly arrrghhh does a guy like this exist? I'd want the extra tails and the transformation powers but I'm OK without those as long as he's into romantic stuff.. Does he? Does he not? I don't know yet lol are there any Ginji fan-fams here too lololol P140 I heard it from the lady waitresses that aren't easy to talk to. That person, he has undoubtedly became likeable. And then, the Waka-danna sama, didn't he take care of you in your condition?" "..." With a wicked face, O-ryo was testing me with her words. But to me, up until now I think that Ginji-san is likeable, and in that case it's not even a joke. He hardly comes to Yugao now, and because of that it's gotten lonely... "On another point, among the Waka-danna sama's nine tails, the third one below, from the right seems to be the most unique.That is somehow a weak spot." "Kasuga, how did you know such information?" It's scary... Kasuga's information is creepy. Even though she's drunk the power of her research skills scared all of us. "Well then... Choubachou** Byakuya-sama--" "O-ryo, don't you dare take another step over there--" We suddenly exercised caution with Byakuya-san. If we speak rudely of him, we feel like we're going to get cursed.** "I honestly couldn't remember a time when he got angry..." "Me either..." "Me too..." T/N: OK so my bad, Byakuya’s supposed position ranges from accounting to reception, but I just previously translated his position as head accountant because it’s what I got before. But he’s more or less the chief of management operations, which includes accounting. Anyway... Hey, I mean, if Byakuya can kick Raijuu's ass then it's justifiable that Byakuya is always in a sour mood, and it's bad to talk about him rudely. Raijuu's a pain in the ass for sure. Arrrgh P141 In the end, this girls' group had nothing more to say. We shuddered when we remembered stuff, and inside the kotatsu we all curled up. Though we were only just talking about him, his pressure on us made us feel defeated even in here. "H.. However, Byakuya-sama stealthily spoils the pipe cats living at the back of the mountain..." "Kasuga, nobody knows about that yet. Don't talk about it, if that gets leaked out we'll get killed." Well, in short, Byakuya-sama pours all of his love to the pipe cats. "Geez, we've wrapped out heads too much on these puzzles, and my hands have lost all feeling. Like Odanna-sama, he also exists above the clouds." "That's because Byakuya-sama is Odanna-sama's good old wife." O-ryo and Kasuga opened the box that Shizuna-chan brought for us, and while munching on these they were sloppily chatting. "Good old wife?" Isn't Byakuya-san a guy? as I tilted my head. "Since long ago, he has assisted in the running of Tenjin-ya. Odanna-sama is able to go here and there freely for work, and Byakuya-sama was staying in Tenjin-ya and presides over it. He has long been in good terms with Odanna-sama, and Byakuya-sama could readily and frankly give out his opinions to him." Come to think of it, before Odanna-sama and I went out, him and Byakuya-san were talking about something one way or the other. P142 In that case, other than the other employess and executives, nobody sees it like an older wife giving encouragement to her husband. "And for sure, when the Oo-Okami** sama isn't here, Byakuya-sama also takes in that role as well, doesn't he?" "Oo-Okami?" Shizuna-chan was drinking the last drop of the sweet liquor, she was reminded of her old home and started talking. "Ougondouji-sama is currently residing in Orio-ya. Previously, Ougondouji-sama was asked to be the Oo-Okami. She holds the same position and rank as Odanna-sama, therefore ever since Ougondouji-sama left Tenjin-ya,the position has been vacant." "Oh, I see... If that's so, with regards to that old tale, I have asked Ginji-san about that." And with that, Byakuya-san also holds the position of Oo-Okami. "Haaaahhh... That weird chat about the Oo-Okami has been a bit too much already." "O-ryo sama, didn't you tell me back then that you'd focus intently on becoming Oo-Okami ,once upon a time?" "Shut up Kasuga! It's a harsh fact that I have to live with!" With O-ryo and Kasuga's conversation, my ears grew eager to listen. "But isn't that.. O-ryo already has no interest with the Waka-Okami position?" "Whaaat? Aoi, you're asking that question? Did't I tell you that I won't get into the position of Waka-Okami again?" T/N: Oo-Okami, Mistress of the House, or something, like the big lady boss.

P143 "R..Really?" "It's fine, really it is. My enthusiastic, indomitable personality is dead. I want to enjoy living a carefree life. I plan to marry a rich guy, then immediately stop working--" "..." Somehow, the atmosphere became tense. Could it be possible that, among all the people in here right now, we're all thinking that O-ryo didn't really want to give up that position? Especially Kasuga, she was shell-shocked, and her face looked troubled. I felt that the mood has changed, so I tapped my fist in my hand. "Oh, right, right. I brought some large-sized grapes from the fruit orchard park, and I made some grape tarts. Let's eat some? I added a lot of grapes on it, it's a custard cream dessert." "Kasstard? OK OK let's eat--" It seems that nobody understood what I meant, but everybody nodded their heads excitedly. Grape tart. I made the crust with the coconut oil from Orio-ya and baked it, and by adding the large grapes called Daishisui that I gathered with Odanna-sama yesterday, the tart looks like a sparkly jewelry box. On top of the crust, I laid down an easily-made custard cream made of Cassowary egg and some wheat flour, with cow's milk and a bit of sugar, P144 and these buried the grapes cut in halves, which I later baked in the oven. After baking this for a while, I topped everything with raw grapes and pure cream. These were arranged as such because the tightly-packed grapes beneath this layer cannot be seen. "Woooooow!" Those dynamic-seeing eyes, everyone's eyes were sparkling. I sliced the large tart in front of everyone, and when the neatly-arranged grapes were cut through, Shizuna-chan let out a regretful-sounding "Awww".** There wasn't any fork, we used kuromoji, special wooden chopsticks** normally used for Japanese sweets or just ate them using our bare hands. "Uwahhh this is juicy-- What is this, I thought this food has raw grapes, but this tastes is like it was meant to be a baked dessert!" "This is the first time I ate something that tastes like this, but the grapes' sweetness stands out, it's really delicious--" O-ryo eating with her hands and Shizuna-chan using a kuromoji, they fell into a trance like typical ladies who love sweets. "This is generally called a fruit tart, and with the rich taste of the eggs in the custard cream, it blends well with the sweet and sour freshness of the fruits, and together these really bring about the best-tasting combination. The sweetness gets reduced, and the sourness becomes mild." As I was explaining how the mild taste came about, Kasuga haven't taken a single bite of the grape tart, and while propping her chin with her hand, she was observing it quietly. T/N: Lol I feel you Shizuna-chan, I feel the same when a freshly-bought ice cream tub looks so neat I don't wanna cut through it lol that's why ASMR of perfectly arranged anything are famous bahaha

Kuromoji=黒文字= Japanese sweets are eaten traditionally by using tiny wooden chopsticks, to cut and skewer them. You can check them out via search engine or smth P145 "What is it, Kasuga? Don't tell me, you don't like grapes?" "Hmm? No, it's not like that.. I really love grapes. That dessert you called tart, I was thinking of something." Kasuga ate held tart like it was a hard cookie, and bit on it heartily despite doubting what it was, before chewing on it. She filled her cheeks with the grapes, the custard, and the fragrant crust. "Mmmm, I wanted to eat some more. The grapes are heavy, and they burst in my mouth." Just a while ago we were enjoying some amberjack shabu-shabu, but we still had room for dessert, and all of the girls ate as much of the grape tart to their hearts' content. "Aoi-dono--" In that moment, came a boy's voice that can be heard from inside Yugao. "It's Sasuke-kun. I told him that I was going to give him something to eat after his working hours." The three ladies around me went "It's.. Sasuke-kun?", and they looked at me from the side. "Say, Aoi, tell Sasuke-kun to come here too." "Really? Even if today's a no-guys-allowed girls' night-out, it's OK to call him in?" "Yes, it's totally OK. Sasuke-kun is an adorable and good boy." "..." Even though there was a nagging feeling, I went outside of Yugao and called out to Sasuke-kun. "Sasuke-kun, thank you for your hard work. We were just having a hotpot party inside but, P146 I'll also add something for you, OK?" "Hotpot, is it? Is it because it has already gotten a bit cold?" "Come in. Everyone's waiting for you. I'll go and prep up." "I understand." Sasuke-kun unknowingly trudged toward the innermost room, and opened the door. "?!" No sooner than opening the door. Sasuke-kun the ninja couldn't react fast enough, and he was dragged into the room. "Gyaaaaahhh! Aoi-dono, Aoi-dono---" Sasuke-kun, the innocent and sweet Sasuke-kun, he was preyed upon by the ladies starved of men. "I- I'm sorry, Sasuke-kun. I'll make you a delicious hotpot, OK?" I feel guilty that he gets harassed, and using another earthen pot I added dashi stock, vegetables and the amberjack slices, and hurriedly went towards the innermost room. Please, please let Sasuke-kun be OK! "..." Sasuke-kun was already pestered by the drunken ladies, here and there he was grumbling being urged to drink liquor, P147 his hair has been tousled and his scarf stretched out, it was horrible, but he was being coddled and spoiled. "Aoi-dono--" Poor Sasuke-kun, he was crying out of fear. He was unprotected, and the swarming girls were getting their fill, it was another shabu-shabu over the kotatsu setting. They're feeding him too much. While he's eating delicious food, I will protect Sasuke-kun.

Despite the determination of that bunch, just like turning off a lamp, the girls suddenly collapsed. 

Zzzz.... The effects of the mountain liquor came at last, and the intense sleepiness has struck. "Aoi-dono.. What on earth, were you doing here?" "Hmm? It's a secret girls' night-out, Sasuke-kun." "Secret girls' night-out..."

It's really too much to handle drunkeness. The true intents and personalities of the girls, were hidden and unseen, in this empty room these must not get out. Everything that they spewed out, they'll probably forget in the morning. And that was the so-called, girls' night-out.

End of Chapter 4, Volume 6. Previous - Intermission 1 Next - Intermission 2

References:

Wonderful site for the youkai references

Other stuff I used to do this: Kodansha Kanji Learner’s Dictionary (you can buy here, I’m not sponsored btw). I was about to buy the older edition but then the newer one came out 2013 so I bought that instead. Worth buying since I was able to find nearly all of the words I needed just by stroke pattern alone.

Merriam-Webster's Japanese-English Dictionary (the red-covered 1996 version is apparently out of print right now). This is what I have been using for a very long time, I bought it when I was still a fetus (yes I am old so what lol), and after so many years, when compared to newer editions, I still prefer this one since its entirety is Japanese-English, the English to Japanese gloss are just 16 pages tops, so you get more Japanese words for your buck. But that’s just my opinion, maybe other people prefer the Jap-En x En-Jap IDEK.

Basic online dictionary, Jisho. Knowledge of verb conjugations  and other words are necessary since not all have entries.

If you can read Japanese, you can buy the whole set in Amazon Japan, they’re shipping worldwide now, I think.

[sturlsons]

french in 1.5 years anon

Kinda random but I just found out that I’ll be required to be intermediate/advanced in French by the next 1.5 years; ALL I KNOW IS THAT MEIRDE IS A BAD BAD WORD! Idk if you’re a native speaker but I was wondering if you could provide me of any good French language resources (or language in general since I’ll be needing to learn Arabic soon as well), and like tips for language learning and how to go about it? Sorry to bother you haha this is MY stress but I appreciate any help! Have a great day!

HEY. so i really fucking dropped the ball on this one, i’m sorry. 2019 has been one health fiasco after another (or more like the same fiasco again and again) and i kept telling myself i want to sit down and make a proper post for this, until i realised that that’s just never going to happen given the way things are rn. and i’d rather give you a quickly-written post which is actually helpful than never write that perfect bullet-pointed one. 

first of all, i’ve been in your EXACT position (so no, i’m not a native speaker) except i had about...six months to go from je m’appelle teesta to voyez-vous, le problème qui se cache derrière tout ça n’est pas le manque de respect mais la personne dont il s’agit or whatever. i was like, i can so do this. (spoiler: i didn’t, because i was 18 and overconfident and stupid and didn’t actually know how to learn a language.) GOOD NEWS: having learned 3 more foreign languages since then, i am now REALLY GOOD at learning languages REALLY FAST. 1.5 years is a good amount of time, so don’t stress.

i’m going to go generic on this, with some extra tips about french since i speak it, unlike arabic. 

first thing, that typical thing everyone hates to hear but knows is coming from the mouth of an accomplished person (pat on my back) in any field whatsoever: you’re going to have to work really hard and practice like fuck. 

there’s just nothing else that can replace it. i’ve filled up notebooks and notebooks with japanese verb conjugations, once i did like 1800 of them in one sitting. but you better believe that a bitch will never forget those now. resign yourself to putting in at least three hours of your day to this until you get to the level you need. (and three hours is...kind. at my peak i was literally reading through french dictionaries at the library, 10 AM - 8 PM. i treated it like a workday.)

now, what you need to establish is: are you a hands-on learner or a digital one. 

i don’t really care for all the auditory learner and visual learner stuff, i don’t know about anyone else but i personally used those as excuses to avoid certain exercises. unless you have actual disabilities preventing you from accessing certain methods of learning, you can train yourself into anything. it’s a matter of practice. i could barely understand a new song without reading its lyrics first, now i eat up podcasts. 

SO. the question here is different. a hands-on learner, like i used to be more or less throughout my bachelor’s, is someone who absolutely cannot retain information unless they’ve written it down BY HAND at least once. pen and paper. (i’m still like this but i’ve learned to combine it with digital methods to go faster.) if this isn’t a hurdle for you, congratulations. your process is going to go that much faster, at least for french. (you’ll have to spend hours practicing your written arabic however, if you’re not familiar with the script.) 

now, if you’re a hands-on learner, you need to add an extra hour to your daily time. no matter how fast you write, you will take that time. and you cannot shorthand your way into languages. you need to understand how french is spelt, what accents it uses, that they put a space before exclamation points, question marks, and semicolons. (side tip: learn the IPA. it will be useful to you forever in language learning, at least for the romance languages.) i’m not gonna teach you how to make notes since i’ve never benefitted from copying someone else’s style, so if you don’t have a set method start establishing that. you need regularity and rhythm when you learn a language. my grammar notes look the same regardless of the language. i don’t have my french ones since it’s been years and i didn’t take good ones then anyway, but here’s my japanese and russian stuff. 

JAPANESE NOTES // RUSSIAN NOTES

now, it bears mentioning that these notes are NOT the notes i take when i don’t know shit. these are final level notes. they’re brief, idiosyncratic, and only reminders. something to refer to when i’m revising and suddenly forget a rule. the first notes i make are much more elaborate, whether they’re pretty or not. i’ve gradually lost the fucks i had about really going ham on academics so my russian notes are very messy, but my japanese ones from back in the day are magnificent. here’s a look. during lesson one i realised that japanese and my mother tongue, gujarati, are syntaxically similar as shit, and i started taking notes with references in gujarati. it sped up my learning process 2x while my french classmates were still going “BUT WHY IS IT LIKE THAT”. 

PRACTICAL GRAMMAR // THEORETICAL GRAMMAR

if you plan to learn more languages in the future, this will be so valuable. sometimes a phrase i learn in russian doesn’t make sense in its french explanation, but a phrase in english might use the same logic. bam, put down the translation in english then. you get what i’m saying? the more languages you learn, the easier it gets to learn languages. 

now if you’re a digital learner, i’ve got great news for you. duolingo and anki are your best friends. duolingo’s memed to hell and has a system that might not work for everyone, but they’ll do the brunt work of compiling grammar notes for you in the beginnings/ends of their lessons. note those down and transform them into anki flashcards, and you can learn grammar concepts without doing 20 exercises. (do those exercises if you can, though, nothing beats mindless practice.) now anki is an intimidating-looking but actually super intuitive app that basically builds digital flashcards for you and shows them to you in a rhythm based on your own learning speed. it’ll show you the front of a card, let’s say merde. you say the english translation out loud, shit, and hit enter. correct! was that easy? anki’ll show it to you in 10 minutes. hard? it’ll show you in 1 minute. super easy? merde won’t come up again until tomorrow. eventually you get so good at it that you can bury a card for 2 months. anki will also show you the same cards reversed, which is harder but trains you better. you’ll see shit and have to remember what it’s called in french, which is more difficult than you’d think it is. 

you can use anki for more than just vocab, like i mentioned. it’s a little tricky learning to convert grammar concepts into front/back flashcards, but you can do it. for example, here’s a sample of one of my russian grammar cards: 

front ^^

back once i hit enter^^

see? not that difficult. now don’t be an idiot like me who manually entered every single flashcard into anki. you can find pre-made packages online (but you can’t guarantee they’ll be correct) or you can make your own without killing your fingers. what you wanna do is open up a spreadsheet and make two columns, A for front of the card and B for back. it’ll look like this:

then you’re gonna save that spreadsheet as a .CVS (comma separated values) and import that into anki. bam, your flashcards are made for you with half the effort. there’s also a script floating around somewhere to make excel translate words automatically for you, but i don’t recommend that unless they’re really easy words. google translate can fuck up. reverso is your friend. 

you need to review your anki cards every day. it’ll take less and less time as you go along. i can review 300 russian cards in 15 minutes now. but you need to keep the rhythm going. download ankiapp and sync your cards, review them on commutes or in the hallway or whatever. trust me, it’s magic. 

apart from this, if a traditional textbook helps, go for that. i’ve always used textbooks and workbooks, more as supports than as principal methods, but it does help. it’s structured and organised and these people know how to train you. bescherelle is a good go-to for french. 

media is always a great way of immersion too, until you get to the country itself. it’ll show you how french people speak french. when i first came to france i didn’t have that experience and even though i spoke an arguably decent amount of french when i got here, it was like, if this is french then what the fuck was i learning in high school. if you like watching movies this is your chance. watch the classics first so that you can get an idea of french pop culture. amélie (though the pop culture aspect here is about shitting on it) and les intouchables, for starters. watch your favourite films, first subbed, then subbed and dubbed, then just dubbed. i watched all ten seasons of friends with french subs, it was wild. with music you want to start off with some indie-ish singers since they will universally sing softer and slower, making things easier to understand than idk, la tribu de dana. (if you’re into bts there’s a hilarious video of their baepsae choreo set to la tribu de dana.) anyway - angèle, cœur de pirate, céline dion, fréro delavega, uhhh that fucking french sufjan stevens. what’s his name. VIANNEY. don’t fucking listen to biglo and oli or like, fatal bazooka right away. you will not understand shit. i barely understand it. white people are wild. ooh listen to stromae. orelsan too, he’s a rapper but he has a relatively clean diction imo. he also sang the french opening for OPM. they call him orelsan-san in japan.

last but not the least: if you have the opportunity to interact in french with people, DO IT. native speakers will do their best to help you and be kind about it. people who learned french might sometimes be assholes from experience. it’s a whole superiority complex thing, and very hypocritical. anyway - online or IRL, wherever you can practice your french, do it. it’ll be immensely helpful. there’s nothing like the frustration of not being able to express simple things to get you motivated to get better. do your best to immerse yourself - changing the language on your devices can make a difference too. 

i think that’s all i have and again, i’m sorry for taking this long to finally deliver, thanks for your patience! if you have any specific questions don’t hesitate to hit me up, on anon or not. 

good luck - it’s not going to be the easiest but nothing is as gratifying as beginning to understand the workings of a language. you’re gonna love it!

[redemptiionss]

TDP’s portrayal of Deafness & Deaf Culture through Amaya: PART ONE

So.. yesterday was the last day of Deaf Awareness Week lol. I’ve been working on this & part 2 and was planning on posting it yesterday, but obviously that didn’t work out as I didn’t finish them on time.

I know I said in my previous posts that this one would be about lipreading, but I decided that I would also talk about Deaf culture & TDP’s portrayal of Amaya. This post will be split into two parts: the first part will be about the authenticity of her portrayal, and the second part will be about how it is imperfect.

First. The portrayal of Amaya’s character & her deafness, while imperfect, is honestly incredibly refreshing to see compared to other portrayals in media. The entertainment media often will “cut corners” when it comes to portraying deaf people. They portray them as being able to hear some, speak some, & lipread as their primary mode of communication. This results in very little use of ASL, because it’s easier that way. Ta da! Less effort needed. Essentially, dDeaf people who are able to lipread/speak/hear some, are more likely to appear on television than Deaf people who cannot hear or speak & rely on ASL.

So yes, while TDP’s portrayal is imperfect, Amaya’s character is very refreshing to see. They actually put in effort to make Amaya appear as authentic as possible. For once, I’m seeing a Deaf character on television who doesn’t speak, can’t hear, & uses ASL as her primary mode of communication. Like me!! I really, really didn’t expect that, & least of all for her to use ASL. So yeah I’m stoked about her.

Now, it’s important to know that the Deaf community is diverse. Not all dDeaf/HoH people are the same! Some dDeaf people are profoundly deaf, like me, then others may have some hearing that varies on differing levels. Some are raised in oral education, others mainstream (public schools), or in deaf schools. Many are born to hearing families, others to strong intergenerational Deaf families (these Deaf people usually are very VERY strong, culturally & ASL-wise). Not all people with hearing loss are involved in the Deaf community/culture/world. 

I don’t want it to seem like I’m ignoring or excluding all the dDeaf/HoH people involved with the Deaf culture/community; who may be here on Tumblr & fit those descriptions lol.

To me, Amaya comes across as someone who is culturally Deaf. She practically screams, I’M DEAF AND PROUD. She isn’t some character that they just halfheartedly slapped the “deaf” label on for bonus points. This is great, as it shows that they really did their research & listened to the Deaf people they consulted. Honestly, they & the ASL interpreters deserve all of our thank-yous.

Oh, and I posted a translation of Amaya’s signing a while back as well btw.. COUGH COUGH. Lol.

The Good Parts:

Pretty accurate usage & portrayal of ASL syntax.

This shows their understanding that:

ASL is not just “English in sign”, or a “translation” of English. It is its own legitimate language: completely different with its own grammar structure, morphology, phonology (known as the 5 parameters), etc.

Examples of ASL syntax, courtesy of Amaya:

“BREAKFAST MOST IMPORTANT MEAL DAY.”

“FOOD HERE IS... *bangs stale bread on counter* HARD LIKE STEEL.” {weapons-grade}

[Rayla’s interrogation]

“YOU TWO? *gesture* MANY THERE YOU ARE?”

“LIE YOU” *points at Rayla*

[Escape scene]

“CALLUM, EZRAN, COME” *points at the space next to her*

“OKAY, YOU. I KILL MONSTERS BEFORE.”

“IF ELF KNOW WE FOLLOW THEM, KILL BOYS. NEED CAREFUL.” *points in their direction*

[Memorial/Grave scene]

“HELLO BIG SISTER. YOU MY HERO. PERFECT, STRONG, ENDURING, HEART-SOFT {compassionate/gentle}, AND REALLY SORRY BIG SISTER. I FAIL YOU. I SONS SAFE WITH BUT GONE/MISSING.”

Note: ASL grammar does not use BE verbs (am, is, are, was, were) or articles ( (a, an, the), & it does not use tenses like English does either. Word order is different from English as well. More info on ASL grammar here if anyone is interested. 

How to get a Deaf person’s attention.

Hint: you don’t yell. The best (and polite) way to get a Deaf person’s attention is to gently tap them on the shoulder.

We’ve only seen one scene of this so far, where Callum and Ezran is behind Amaya as she walks into the lodge. Because Amaya is deaf, with little to no hearing it seems, obviously Callum can’t just call her name to get her attention. So what does he do? He goes up and knocks on the shield Amaya is wearing on her back, and Amaya feels the vibrations and reacts immediately by turning around. This was a very tiny, quick scene, but I liked seeing that. :)

The job of the interpreter. (Psst. The correct terminology is INTERPRETER, not translator. Interpreters translate languages orally & in this case, into ASL. Translators deal with written text. This is just a peeve of mine since I am seeing many people refer to Gren as a “translator”.)

Contrary to [apparently????] popular belief, interpreters are not necessarily “stoic”, monotonous, etc. (I read that they were originally going to make him into comic relief.. I’m really glad that they didn’t.) Gren’s profession is a sign language interpreter. It is his job to interpret what Amaya is saying (and his job should be ALSO to interpret FOR Amaya at all times tbh... but I’ll get to that later in Part 2).

While it is the interpreter’s job to voice for Deaf people, this also means that they shouldn’t merely just say the words but to emote vocally as well, otherwise it’d appear that the interpreter & the Deaf person have no personality. It is their responsibility to deliver the appropriate emotion & tone that best fits what/how the Deaf person is conveying through ASL. So yeah, that is literally Gren’s job.

It is also his job to interpret what other people are saying, for Amaya’s benefit. Which is why I thought that the scene when Gren immediately jumps in to interpret for Amaya when she had her back turned towards Viren was an excellent demonstration of appropriate interpreting ethics. I would honestly like to see more of that in TDP, as that is the only scene we’ve gotten of Gren interpreting for Amaya.

Name Signs.

They are not nicknames. They are personal names, unique to each person who is a member of the Deaf community. This is an important & traditional aspect of Deaf culture. One isn’t just born with a name sign, of course-- it is assigned to them. It is a part of the Deaf cultural identity.

ANYONE can become a part of the Deaf community, including hearing people. However, hearing people/non-native signers should not pick or invent a name sign for themselves, as that is something reserved for a Deaf person to do. And in Deaf culture, it would be considered improper as well. Essentially, a culturally Deaf person assigns a name sign to a new non-native member of the community. It is considered a gift, something that is given to someone else and could be seen as a way of welcoming them into the community. The reason why it is like this, is because the creation of name signs actually has rules. << A link to an article/video that explains this, if anyone is interested lol.

However, not everyone has a name sign. Some may even choose not to have one-- meaning that their names would be fingerspelled, especially for those with names that have less than four letters.

There are two types of name signs: initialized/arbitrary & descriptive.

Initialized name signs use the first letter of your name from the manual alphabet. Descriptive name signs use classifier handshapes. Both may also be based on the receipent’s physical characteristics (this however, is more common in descriptive name signs. Initialized name signs usually doesn’t really have a meaning).

In TDP, it is shown that some characters have name signs (initialized), likely gifted by Amaya herself. Examples:

Callum: Initialized, in the handshape of a “C” & location is on the forehead  towards the side. [In Amaya’s introductory scene, his name was initially fingerspelled & now I think it was done as to emphasize Amaya’s bewilderment at Callum’s yelling.]

Ezran: Initialized, hand in the handshape of a “E” & location is on the side of the chin.

Corvus: Initialized, in the handshape of a “C” and tapped once on the head near the forehead.

Viren: Initialized, in the handshape of a “V” and tapped on the forehead near the brow.

We’re seeing a trend here huh, lol. They showed the sign names so fast, I had to rewatch the scenes several times to make sure I got them. No sign name for Gren yet... but then, his name is only four letters.

Facial expressions and mouth movements.

In Deaf culture & when using ASL, facial expression is a must. The expressions one makes when signing will affect the meaning of that sign. It is also a part of ASL phonology, also known as the Five Parameters of ASL. Within the 5 parameters, facial expressions are known as non-manual markers.

I personally thought that for this type of animation, they did a decent job with Amaya’s facial expressions and using that to further convey her intended message through ASL.

(For example, when she says “Breakfast is the most important meal of the day”, that was a comedic moment but you could see that she was serious, due to her facial expression and body language. And then when she said “Don’t worry, I’ve slain monsters before”? Her facial expression as she signs “I’ve slain monsters before”... that was superb & chilling imo!)

As for mouth movements.. she moves her mouth of course, accordingly with her facial expressions. But she doesn’t mouth out the words as she signs. Many Deaf people DO mouth words [occasionally, sometimes, or frequently] as they sign-- I am guilty of this actually. But not all of them do... I know that her not speaking & this has likely confused many people into thinking that she’s mute, but this is in fact common for many culturally Deaf people (aka those who were born & raised in intergenerational Deaf families and thus are extremely strong in their identity, language, and culture). So I thought it was absolutely excellent that she didn’t mouth words at all. I’m aware it was probably also because it was easier on the creators lol.

PART TWO

[This one has the section on lipreading btw lol]

[moved-please-leave-me-alone]

Everybody shut up, woo! Everyone listen up! Hey, hey, hey, uh Hey, hey, hey

If you can't write in the proper way If you don't know how to conjugate Maybe you flunked that class And maybe now you find That people mock you online

Okay, now here's the deal I'll try to educate ya Gonna familiarize You with the nomenclature You'll learn the definitions Of nouns and prepositions Literacy's your mission And that's why I think it's a

Good time To learn some grammar Now, did I stammer Work on that grammar You should know when It's "less" or it's "fewer" Like people who were Never raised in a sewer

I hate these word crimes Like I could care less That means you do care At least a little Don't be a moron You'd better slow down And use the right pronoun Show the world you're no clown Everybody wise up!

Say you got an "I", "T" Followed by apostrophe, "s" Now what does that mean? You would not use "it's" in this case As a possessive It's a contraction What's a contraction? Well, it's the shortening of a word, or a group of words By the omission of a sound or letter

Okay, now here's some notes Syntax you're always mangling No "x" in "espresso" Your participle's danglin' But I don't want your drama If you really wanna Leave out that Oxford comma Just keep in mind

That "be", "see", "are", "you" Are words, not letters Get it together Use your spellchecker You should never Write words using numbers Unless you're seven Or your name is Prince

I hate these word crimes You really need a Full time proofreader You dumb mouth-breather Well, you should hire Some cunning linguist To help you distinguish What is proper English

One thing I ask of you Time to learn your homophones is past due Learn to diagram a sentence too Always say "to whom" Don't ever say "to who" And listen up when I tell you this I hope you never use quotation marks for emphasis You finished second grade I hope you can tell If you're doing good or doing well About better figure out the difference Irony is not coincidence And I thought that you'd gotten it through your skull What's figurative and what's literal Oh but, just now, you said You literally couldn't get out of bed That really makes me want to literally Smack a crowbar upside your stupid head

I read your e-mail It's quite apparent Your grammar's errant You're incoherent Saw your blog post It's really fantastic That was sarcastic (Oh, psych!) 'Cause you write like a spastic

I hate these Word Crimes Your prose is dopey Think you should only Write in emoji Oh, you're a lost cause Go back to pre-school Get out of the gene pool Try your best to not drool

Never mind I give up Really now I give up Hey, hey, hey Hey, hey, hey Go away!

IS MY GRAMMAR SO BAD THAT I NEED TO BE SENT WORD CRIMES………. OR ARE YOU SIMPLY CONTRIBUTING TO THE AUTISM

[shiny-rpg]

will you guys be cool with all levels of writers? With No grammar strictness and No Grammar police? in other words as long as we can be understood were are good?

So sorry in advance, this is gonna be a longer answer. :P  I want to be honest when answering the question. From my end, I have no problem with letting all sorts of writers join the site and writing with them. I get that some rpers are new to the hobby, for some English isn’t their first (or even second) language, others may have reading/writing disorders, or some might just not be that “good with writing”, so to speak.  For me, English isn’t my first language and even though I’ve been doing this for 15+ years now and have studied English lit at uni, I probably still make mistakes, whether it’s grammar, spelling and syntax, and people might still need to re-read some sentences twice to make sure they understood what I meant. When I started my rp journey my English and writing were terrible. I found some of my old short stories a few years ago by chance and my god. The cringe.  So I added a screenshot that shows part of our application process, and I just wanted to highlight the last line, ‘cause I think that’s the important one. When you’re all writing your apps/characters, people are just so different. Some write novels, some write short summaries/bullet points, and I don’t want anyone to compare themselves with others. And that goes for both content and writing levels.  People develop their characters differently and I want the site to really be about character (and writing!) development. So as long as you try to do that - develop your characters and just work on your writing (which happens naturally as you write whether by yourself or with writing partners), we’re good.  Honestly, I don’t see myself pending/denying applications unless I literally cannot understand anything (e.g. no punctuation, no paragraphs.....) or if the application is (almost) completely empty. But if I can understand what is meant, that’s fine.  However, this is the honest part, you have to be aware that not all roleplayers might want to partner up and write with beginners/people whose level of writing doesn’t match their own. So to say that, “yeaaah, everything’s great, everyone will plot/write with you!!” would be a lie, and I don’t want to lie. People have different needs and wants in writing partners, but I think that communication is then the key here. Everyone should talk about what their expectations are but then also talk about their issues in a non-aggressive/accusatory way.  I hope this all makes sense! Let me know if you have any other questions or worries :) 

[natsubeatsrock]

Bye, Bye Lucy: Part 1

In my experience, you're always in for a good time once the author starts off by saying the characters will be OOC. 

Surprisingly, the actual events of some of these stories don’t even start before we run into trouble with canon. It’s common for fic writers to mistime Lisanna’s return from the end of Edolas to after the first Grand Magic Games. Often, this isn't even apparent until later on in the story and I'm honestly not sure if these guys realize they're even doing it. 

The reason as to why will be important to a point I’ll talk about later. However, if this important detail is changed for the sake of the story, I can pretty much tell already that the writer cares more about their story than working alongside the canon universe. I actually think that time is the best time for a fic like this to happen, but it's off-putting to see such an important detail messed up.

At or before the beginning of these stories, Lisanna comes back and most of the guild ignore Lucy. Her friends ignore her. Natsu starts dating Lisanna and they spend all the time together. There are only a few people that will talk to her.

I feel as though some people might expect me to rip Nali in these stories. And many people probably would if they were to talk about this. However, I’m not going to. Not just because I already made a post about them. 

Don't get me wrong, it's kinda weird that so many people are okay with writing Nali in a world with tons of canon problems, including the ones that a Nali relationship apparently entails in these stories and that are clearly worthy of its own post. Still, I want to believe in a world where Natsu and Lisanna end up together immediately after her return and this is the kind of thing I’d want to see in a fan fiction. I have no problem with this. (This isn't going to happen a lot, so don't get used to this.)

Why should I believe the guild would immediately ignore Lucy just because Lisanna came back? The story usually goes that she was just holding Lisanna’s place.

In the entire guild.

That's never implied pre-Tenrou. The closest thing we get is Levy saying that Lucy is kinda like Lisanna.

Even if it's just Team Natsu, which will be important later, it still doesn't work. Team Natsu wasn't made until Lucy joined.

With Lucy as one of the first members.

Before Lisanna was even named as a character.

See the issue?

And isn't the implication of having a spot for Lisanna to take upon her return that they expected her to come back, to begin with? Even though she's been dead for two years?

Besides that, if I was actually supposed to think Lucy was let in as a replacement for Lisanna, I'd hope that the same people that agreed that Lucy had “the most Fairy Tail spirit” would have grown to like her as an individual by the time Edolas arc ended.

If I really try, I could understand Lucy feeling jealous about attention being diverted to Lisanna. There wasn’t as much excitement when she joined the guild as when Lisanna came back. Though, that's because, to borrow the words of the Father in the story of the Prodigal Son, Lisanna was dead and is alive again. And yes, that death was equally as literal in that story.

Anyway, let's talk about the people talking to her because they're really important. It's always a group of the same pool of people talking to her in these stories: Mirajane, Cana, Romeo, Wendy, Carla, Elfman, Levy, Jet, Droy, Gajeel, Pantherlily, Makarov, Juvia, and, on occasions, Gray, Erza, and Happy. I feel like I read one where Jellal talks to her for some reason and that's bad for obvious reasons.

Part of me finds it weird that writers do this. It's like, “No one talks to Lucy except for most of the relevant Fairy Tail guild members.” But hey, that’s an issue with grammar and syntax and not with canon relevance. At least this list makes canon sense, right?

One day, I will ask a question like this and the answer will actually be yes. Not this time.

Some of the people on the list make sense. I’m going to ignore Mira and Elfman because I want to talk about them later. Given the timing of these stories, it makes perfect sense that Cana would talk to Lucy. She actually did start hanging out with Lucy after Edolas. Makarov talking to Lucy is a given and I'd be scared if he wouldn't talk to Lucy. He doesn't usually talk to her as much as the average person would, but I'll go with it. Of course, that brings up problems later, but we'll cross that bridge when we get there.

There's also no problem with Levy. As Lucy's friend she'd definitely still talk to her. I find it weird that the rest of Shadow Gear goes along with it but that's not a big deal for me.

However, that doesn't mean that Gajeel or Pantherlily would talk to talk to Lucy because of their relationship with Levy. In fact, that reasoning fails because Gajevy had its big moment during the Tenrou arc. That's not to say the ship meant nothing up to that point. It just means that it's too early to associate one with the other, in a shipping sense. (Because it would be okay otherwise.)

There is no reason that anyone in Team Natsu should be talking to her in a story where they will kick her out of their team. And that's not to say that they should kick her out, to begin with. (We'll get to that.) But if you're going to go that way, don't have them do things with her before. Especially Natsu’s (other) best friend, Happy. This includes Wendy and Carla, even though they’re the newest members of Team Natsu at this point in the series. If Gray won't talk to Lucy, then I'm not sure Juvia would either. Even if that wasn't an issue, there's still the whole “love rivals” issue.

Romeo is often lumped in, but it's usually just to pair him off to Wendy. Lucy saved his dad, but that's the end of his relationship with Lucy. If anything, I could see him get crushed by his hero's actions later in the story, but that's another issue.

Stepping away from those issues, why does Lisanna coming back have to be the reason no one talks to her? This is supposed to be before the S-Class trials. Why not have everyone ignore Lucy because they’re all going out and doing missions?

You know, like what actually happened after Lisanna came back and the parties ended.

And come to think of it, Lisanna didn’t even try to get better for S-Class Trials. If anything, that would have been a great time for her to start to get back into the swing of using magic. Next time we see her after the parties, she’s talking with Carla and Wendy about Carla’s new powers. The guild isn’t anywhere close to caring about Lisanna over Lucy. If anything, they’re both being ignored.

Why can’t they talk out whatever issues they may be having out? Is this because of that stupid trope where plots are driven by miscommunication/no communication?

These issues cover what usually is the first half of the first chapter. In fact, this singular post is longer than it takes to know if Lucy is being ignored in these stories. If I’m reading a story and this is the way it starts, I'm obviously not thinking about most of these things as I go through it. Still, I’m not going into it expecting much from the rest of the story in the way of “capturing the Fairy Tail spirit”.

That doesn't mean this set up is terrible. In fact, I think this could be a set up for an interesting story. But if you can’t tell from the name of this series of posts, it doesn’t get much better from here on out.

To be continued...

Introduction |

[larryfanfiction]

Ao3?   hattalove

Tumblr?     hattalove

Name?   kris

Age?   21

How long have you been a fan of One Direction?   i think it’s going to be four years this march….jesus

Who is your favorite fic author?   tashie togetherwecouldbealright, and i’m also very partial to 100percentsassy and gloriaandrews’ fics.

What is your favorite fic?   THIS IS TOO HARD i don’t know if it’s even possible to just have one favorite, but the first thing that popped into my head was be my little good luck charm.

When did you start writing?   long enough ago that i can’t really remember, i learned how to write at 5/6 so probably not long after that. i think i wrote a very lengthy poem about spring when i was 7, so definitely by then.

What was your favorite fic to write and why?   in all honesty, the general process of writing is extremely painful for me..but probably run away home, partly because it was about horses and i really love horses, and partly because i’d like to think i improve a little with every fic i write and i ended up really liking the character dynamics i created there, especially lilo and h/l.

How and where do you find inspiration?   all sorts of media, usually. i’m very, very bad at coming up with original ideas (working on it, though!), but when i’m watching a movie or tv show, i immediately start thinking of what harry and louis would be like with that kind of dynamic or how they would fit into that environment. it’s been movies, tv shows, a gif…the one i’m writing now was also inspired by a movie, and the one i want to write next is set in a tv show environment.

Are any of your stories influenced by personal experience?     i guess it depends. i’d like to think i’m a decent baker, so i drew on that experience when writing leave it to the breeze, and i’ve been a huge horse nerd since age four, which came in useful when writing run away home. i was also in a long-distance relationship, and i’m asexual, which were both key elements of wait up i’m coming home (i just almost forgot that i wrote that one, lol). so i actually guess i do, even though i was ready to say not really.

How do you get over writer’s block?   i don’t think i really get writer’s block, i just get lazy. usually it’s because i’ve come to the end of what i initially had planned for the plot, so the only way i move myself forward when that happens is sitting down and forcing myself to plan. if i’m just feeling like i don’t want to write, i try to use time management techniques (like pomodoro, i.e. 25 minutes of focused writing and 5 minutes of pointlessly browsing the internet to reward mysel) or, if it’s an ongoing thing, i try to leave off in a place i know i’ll want to continue the next day.

On average, how long does it take to write a fic?   all of my longer 1d fics were started/written as part of nanowrimo, which really helps move things along. for the monster fics i always seem to end up doing i’d say maybe two to three months of consistent writing. the issue, and the reason i literally post one fic a year, is that i’m not consistent, lol.

How often do you sit down to write? What does your ideal work setting look like?   if i’m in the ‘groove’, ideally i like to write every day. it just helps keep everything fresh in my memory so i know where i’m picking up, and also helps get everything done faster. the only thing i really need is complete silence/white noise. i used to be really particular about where i wrote, but i’ve learned to be more flexible as my life got busier, so now i don’t really mind - i’ve written at work, at school, at coffee shops, bus stops, in the library, all over the place. if i am at home, though, i like to have a cup of tea while i write.

Pick 3 things that are absolutely necessary to make a good story!  

characters!! nothing works for me if the characters aren’t good or, in the case of fic, if they’re ooc.

character growth/development

things like grammar, syntax, punctuation, capitalisation, paragraph breaks. i’m unfortunately a very picky reader, so what a story looks like plays a big role for me.

What do you like most about the writing process?   i really love how stories change from what you intend them to be. when i start i’ll usually have a basic outline of the plot and characters, but the story kind of takes on a life of its own and new scenes/plot points/character motivations come into my head as i’m writing and often take the story in a different direction, so i end up with something totally new! i also love the rush of excitement after i post the fic. i usually go to sleep right after so i can wake up to reactions, whatever they might be, haha.

What is your favorite genre/tag to write? in my early fanfic days i used to really enjoy writing angst, but 9 times out of 10 it doesn’t work with h/l. when i’m writing about them i just like all sorts of romance-y stuff, especially them getting together, so in terms of tags i guess i’d say friends to lovers.

What kind of scene do you find hardest to write? Easiest?   hardest is probably action/scenes where a lot of things happen in quick succession, i struggle with pacing those properly. smut is really hard, too. easiest are dialogue-heavy scenes, both friendly and romantic fond banter, and specifically lilo friendship scenes, haha.

Do you write chronologically?   yes. if there’s a scene i’m really looking forward to writing, i plot it out in detail and use it as motivation to write faster so i can get to it.

What’s one thing that not a lot of people know about you, and you feel comfortable sharing?   i feel like i put everything really personal on the internet to be honest, haha. but i feel like the most interesting thing about me is the fact that i work at an escape room, so i literally lock people in rooms and then spy on them through a camera for a living.

Are you currently working on something? Can we have a little preview?   i am! i’ve talked about this a little on my blog, it’s an au based on the movie sweet home alabama. it’s a huge mess right now, but here’s a bit i like:

“I’m not sure I believe you,” says Louis, half-grinning. “I’ve moved on, Harry, the best that I could. I’d love it if you disappeared tomorrow, sure, but you being here isn’t—I don’t know. It’s not breaking my heart in two, or whatever Liam would have you believe.”

He avoids Harry’s eyes as he says it.

“But—actually. Since you are here, I wanna show you something.”

Harry blinks at the sudden change in demeanour, and has to scramble to get up and follow Louis out of the door. He’s walking up the stairs briskly, brushing his hand over the picture frames as he goes in what looks like an unconscious habit.

Harry catches up with him on the landing upstairs. He’s standing right in front of the white door that Harry tries to pretend isn’t there, looking at it with his arms wrapped around himself.

“What…” Harry starts, looking him over. He looks small, but determined, standing firm, with his chin tipped up.

“You know what,” he says, quiet.

Harry shakes his head. He, too, hugs himself, needing something to keep him together just in case.

“You don’t have to do this,” he says.

“I want to,” Louis replies. “It’s been too long. I just—I didn’t want to get rid of it without you. That’s just stupid, isn’t it.”

“No,” Harry says immediately, reaching out to touch Louis’s shoulder before he realises who they are, where they are, and pulls back. “It’s not stupid, Louis.”

“Don’t start indulging me now,” he half-laughs, rubbing his arms like he’s cold even though it’s June. “It felt like the right thing to do, I don’t know. It’s just that—regardless of the fucked up things you did,” and Harry flinches there, can’t help himself, “this hurt you, too.”

It’s not a question, of course it’s not. They’d cried about it together, enough times for Louis to know exactly how heartbroken Harry had been.

They share a look, there in the dark corridor, that’s heavy with understanding, perhaps for the first time.

Anything you would like to say to your readers? thank you!! thank you all a million times over. i never, ever imagined my writing would get the kind of response it has gotten from everyone in this fandom. i get really overwhelmed when people say nice things and don’t always reply, but know that i see and appreciate all of it ♥  also, sorry for being shit and only posting once a year, lol.

Thank you so much, Kris! The Sweet Home Alabama fic sounds amazing! 

[dailybiblelessons]

Our Bible Lessons for November 1 to 7

What's ahead in the Bible readings

November 1 to November 7, 2018 The Twenty-third Week After Pentecost The Thirty-first Week in Ordinary Time*

Bible Review: The Modern English Version

The most important thing you need to know about the Modern English Version (MEV) is that it is a revision of the Authorized Version, usually called the King James Version (KJV). It incorporates modern English vernacular. This translation started as an effort by military chaplains to provide an update to the KJV, so that troops could better understand it. Military chaplains got others who were not chaplains involved in the work; eventually, the target audience changed to the entire English-speaking world. It follows the principle of formal equivalence, which means being as literal as possible using proper grammar and syntax.

One feature that I find helpful is naming the parallel passage just below the title of a section. A slight disadvantage of this approach is that it requires a title whenever there is a parallel passage, even if one isn't necessary for us to understand what follows. As always, remember that the title is not part of the text, and was added by editors to help us. This translation is usually the source of the parallel passages included in our daily readings. A relatively unusual feature is that pronouns referring to God or Jesus are always capitalized. This can be helpful at times when it isn't clear to whom the pronoun refers. References to books of the Bible in footnotes and when parallel passages are named use abbreviations for book names. For example, Mt for Matthew and Lk for Luke.

The books are in the usual order. It does not include the deuterocanonical/apocryphal books.

There is an interesting but incomplete history of English language Bibles included in the introduction, starting with William Tyndale's translation. It is incomplete because it does not mention the Revised Standard Version (RSV), the New Revised Standard Version (NRSV), or any of the many translations by Catholic scholars. It does have a very complete description of the development of the KJV.

Here is our Sunday Gospel Lesson from the MEV: The Great Commandment Mt 22:34-40; Lk 10:25-28

One of the scribes came near and heard them reasoning together. Perceiving that Jesus had answered them well, he asked Him, “Which of the is the first commandment of all?”

Jesus answered him, “The first of all the commandments is, ‘Hear, O Israel: the Lord our God, is one Lord. You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind, and with all your strength.’¹ This is the first commandment. The second is this, ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’² There is no commandment greater than these.”

The scribe said to Him, “Well said, Teacher. You have spoken the truth, that there is God, and there is no other but Him. To love him with all the heart, and with all the understanding, and with all the soul, and with all the strength and to love one's neighbor as oneself is much more important than all burnt offerings and sacrifices.”

When Jesus saw that he answered wisely, He said to him, “You are not far from the kingdom of God.” After that no one dared to ask Him any question.

¹30 Dt 6:4-5   ²31 Lev 19:18 (MEV)

Previous Bible reviews covering the NET Bible, the Message, and The Inclusive Bible, and the Amplified Bible are here.

If you decide to purchase the Modern English Version, please consider using one of these links, so your purchase will benefit The Lectionary Company: Modern English Version Bible Thinline Reference $17.07 Modern English Version Economy Bible $2.99 Modern English Version Bible Personal Size Large Print $24.97 The prices above are as of October 27. You can search for other editions of the MEV at this link: Modern English Version

This week's illustration

The image this week is of the Good Samaritan with the man who was beaten on the road. He is at the inn, and the inn keeper is helping him to bring the injured man inside. It is a reminder to me first, that actions are greater than words, and second that help can come from unexpected quarters.

Theme of this week's lessons

Our readings this week nearly all have a theme of love. The key reading from the complementary Hebrew Scriptures comes on Sunday when we read the beginning of the Shema prayer from Deuteronomy:

Hear, O Israel: The Lord is our God, the Lord alone. You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your might. Keep these words that I am commanding you today in your heart. Recite them to your children and talk about them when you are at home and when you are away, when you lie down and when you rise. Bind them as a sign on your hand, fix them as an emblem on your forehead, and write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.

You can find the rest of the Shema here.

Gospel Lessons

Our Gospel lesson for Sunday a scribe asks Jesus which commandment is the greatest, and Jesus quotes from the passage above and adds "and you shall love your neighbor as yourself." The scribe replies

“Well said, Teacher. You have spoken the truth, that there is God, and there is no other but Him. To love him with all the heart, and with all the understanding, and with all the soul, and with all the strength and to love one's neighbor as oneself is much more important than all burnt offerings and sacrifices.”

When Jesus saw that he answered wisely, He said to him, “You are not far from the kingdom of God.” (MEV)

Of course, there is always the question of who is my neighbor. Jesus answers this in the parable of the Good Samaritan, which is our Saturday Gospel reading. We are so used to the idea of the Samaritan as a good and righteous person that most of us don't understand the ways in which Jesus' hearers would have thought of the Samaritan. The Samaritans rejected a view of salvation history centered on Jerusalem, and their religious life centered on a temple on Mt. Gerizim, rather than on the Jerusalem temple. An analogy might be Christians and Muslems. We worship the same God, but in quite different ways, and there is unfortunately enmity between us. So it was between Jews and Samaritans.

In our third Gospel reading, on Wednesday, Jesus tells us to love one another. So our three Gospel readings tell us to love God, our neighbors in the broadest sense, and one another. Think this week about who is your neighbor in the sense of the Good Samaritan parable.

Psalms

I want to share some perspective on verse five of the complementary Psalm 51, which we read during the time of reflection. “Indeed, I was born guilty, a sinner when my mother conceived me,” reads the verse. Here is what the New Interpreter's Bible commentary has to say:

It is not intended to suggest that sin is transmitted biologically or that sexuality is sinful by definition. Rather, it conveys the inevitability of human fallibility. In each human life, in each human situation, sin is pervasive. We are born into it, and we cannot escape it. While sin is a matter of individual decision, it also has a corporate dimension that affects us, despite our best intentions and decisions.

Here is the good news:

O Lord, open my lips, and my mouth will declare your praise.

For you have no delight in sacrifice; if I were to give a burnt offering, you would not be pleased.

The sacrifice acceptable to God is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.

God forgives us. Thanks be to God.

Our semi-continuous psalm during the time of preparation reminds us that God graciously lifts up those who are bowed down.

Epistle Lessons

In our Friday Epistle, Paul reminds us that our God is the God of both Jews and Gentiles. Gentiles, of course, means everyone who is not Jewish. Paul also reminds us that Jesus has paid for our sins by his blood. In our Sunday Epistle from Hebrews, we are reminded of this: if the blood of goats and bulls sanctifies those who have been defiled, much more Christ's blood brings us redemption. In our Monday Epistle lesson, Paul urges the Romans (and us) to live peaceably with all, and reminds us that love is the fulfilling of the law.

Complementary Hebrew Scripture

Our Wednesday Hebrew Scripture reading has the prophet Micah reminding us what God requires of us: to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with our God. See the discussion above for our Sunday Hebrew Scripture.

There one lesson where some context might be helpful. The Saturday Hebrew Scripture is about what happens when an Israelite is unable to celebrate Passover. The answer is that you do it later, at a time specified in the reading. This actually fits with the rest of our readings, because it is about the importance of returning the love that God has shown us by freeing the Israelites from their Egyptian bondage.

Semi-continuous Hebrew Scripture

This week we are reading about Ruth and Naomi, a pair of women bonded as mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. Ruth, a Maobite, sticks with Naomi, a woman from Judah, as they return to Naomi's homeland. There Ruth takes some pretty forward actions, which are ultimately rewarded with marriage to a relative of Naomi's. I especially note how Ruth shares what she gets by gleaning in the fields with Naomi, sustaining them both until Ruth's marriage. We will finish up our lessons about Ruth next week in our Thursday through Sunday lessons.

Thank you for all that you do but to bring about justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with our God. Mike Gilbertson

Spread the Word

Help someone deepen his or her commitment to being a Christian through by asking that person to sign up for these lessons. Here is a link that leads to the sign up form: Sign up link

Summary and a link for each day

Thursday to Sunday Psalms Complementary Psalm 119:1-8 Seeking God with all our hearts Semi-continuous Psalm 146 God lifts those who are bowed down.

Thursday: Preparation for the Thirty-first Sunday in Ordinary Time Complementary Exodus 22:1-15 Laws about restitution Semi-continuous Ruth 1:18-22 Ruth the Maobite and Naomi the Judean return to Judah after both are widowed. Both Hebrews 9:1-12 The ritual of the sanctuary: Christ has entered into the Holy Place, not with the blood of goats and calves, but with his own blood, thus obtaining eternal redemption.

Friday: Preparation for the Thirty-first Sunday in Ordinary Time Complementary Leviticus 19:32-37 You shall fear God. You shall treat aliens as part of your community, for you were aliens in Egypt. Semi-continuous Ruth 2:1-9 Ruth meets Boaz. Both Romans 3:21-31 God is God of both Jews and Gentiles. Christ, through his blood, has atoned for our sins.

Saturday: Preparation for the Thirty-first Sunday in Ordinary Time Complementary Numbers 9:9-14 All should keep the Passover. You have one law for the resident alien and the native. Semi-continuous Ruth 2:10-14 Boaz protects Ruth. Both Luke 10:25-37 Jesus, through the parable of the Good Samaritan, defines who a neighbor is.

The Thirty-first Sunday in Ordinary Time Complementary Deuteronomy 6:1-9 The Great Commandment; The Shema Semi-continuous Ruth 1:1-18 Ruth remains with Naomi. Both Hebrews 9:11-14 If the blood of goats and bulls sanctifies those who have been defiled, how much more will Christ's blood bring us redemption. Both Mark 12:28-34 Jesus, asked which commandment is the greatest, answers, "The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength. The second is love your neighbor as yourself. There is no other commandment greater than these."

Monday to Wednesday Psalms Complementary Psalm 51 I have sinned against you. Create in me a clean heart. Semi-continuous Psalm 18:20-30 It is you who light my lamp. God lights my darkness.

Monday: Reflection on the Thirty-first Sunday in Ordinary Time Complementary Deuteronomy 6:10-25 When you enter the land that God has promised you, do not put God to the test. Semi-continuous Ruth 2:15-23 Ruth gleans in Boaz' fields during the wheat and barley harvests. Naomi says that Boaz is a close relative. Both Romans 12:17-21; 13:8-10 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. The law is summed up in this word: love your neighbor as yourself.

Tuesday: Reflection on the Thirty-first Sunday in Ordinary Time Complementary Deuteronomy 28:58-29:1 The cost of disobedience Semi-continuous Ruth 3:1-7 Ruth and Boaz are at the threshing floor at night. Both Acts 7:17-29 Stephen, speaking before the Sanhedrin, recounts Moses' early years.

Wednesday: Reflection on the Thirty-first Sunday in Ordinary Time Complementary Micah 6:1-8 Do justice, love kindness, and walk humbly with God. Semi-continuous Ruth 3:3-8 Boaz is startled by Ruth's presence on the threshing floor. Both John 13:31-35 Jesus says, "I give you a new commandment, that you love one another."

The links become active on the designated day at 3:05 a.m. eastern time.

*Denominations have different ways of designating the weeks during the year, so your church may refer to this week by a different name or number or both. Regardless of the name or number, the readings are the same. Here is an explanation: Calendar Explanation

Selections from Revised Common Lectionary Daily Readings, copyright © 1995 by the Consultation on Common Texts. Unless otherwise indicated, Bible text is from The New Revised Standard Version, (NRSV) copyright © 1989 by the Division of Christian Education of the National Council of Churches of Christ in the United States of America. Used by permission. All right reserved. The Sunday Gospel is taken from The Holy Bible Modern English Version (MEV), copyright © 2014 by Military Bible Association. Used by permission. All rights reserved. Image credit: The Good Samaritan by Rembrandt, via cs.m.wikipedia. This is a public domain image.

[lorainelaneyblog]

‘Your husband loves you and that’s the only reason you’re not afraid,’ said Loraine Laney, and we would both, we would both, like to elaborate on this, go ahead Loraine, try, sit properly, yes, do, and try to elaborate what it is about respect.

‘Respect is hard won.’

‘Exactly.’

‘You are the property of your husband and every endeavour apart from the good of your husband, garners disrespect from men.’

‘Exactly.’

‘How does she fucking know this shit?’ asks [ ]. ‘She fucking does, she fucking knows shit I can’t even fathom, when she ran down that Asian shit, and I do say Asian, Loraine, they look into my eyes--.’

‘You are, you are, you are, [ ], preaching to. the. fucking. converted. Loraine knows of this.’

‘The black women said the same, Loraine, what is that?’

‘Size, we say at once, this shit I am hearing about the immorality of taking more than you deserve, I must admit to not understanding why Loraine is getting away with it--.’

‘High sex drive, extreme submission, and that is why, that is fucking why, that is why. Loraine has honed submission, she obeys men.’

‘Even [ ], she cheated on him.’

‘And he cheated on her immediately and lied for three years.’

‘He had erectile dysfunction, Lord, how is that a cheat, penis vagina, isn’t it? She was doing plenty of that.’

‘We are about to see [ ]’s true colours and I might, [ ], have to withdraw my request in light of this.’

‘Are you serious, why? Why is she getting away with what she says is immoral?’

‘She discusses it lightly, [ ]--.’

‘You are,’ says her [ ], my friend [ ], our serious, serious, family friends,’ says [ ] [ ], whom you, Loraine, grew up with, read you fucking book we did, we did, we fucking well did, together, together, by fucking firelight because it came our way through construction. And my husband said, and I quote, and I was, reading the title, fucking, fucking, fucking, terrified, “She hurts no one. I have it on good authority--.” “Men nor women?” I said, aghast, fucking aghast, Loraine, “but how,” I continued bravely, “is this possible? How? Everyone hurts one side or the other, everyone, everyone, I have never seen otherwise except in our precious, little marriage. Do you really think he is a gang bang boy, and do you think I am a gang bang girl.”

‘You are, [ ], you are.’

‘I thought, girls, I thought they were small.’

‘[ ] [ ] is one, she is Scottish, you are of German descent, they are not, not, not, small, and they’re men, what’s left of them after English colonization, are not small either, and please [ ], never, never, never, feel hurt or dismayed by [ ]’s abandonment of Canada, and of Richmond in particular. It is true that Chinese women look into the eyes, because they think with the mind, not the heart, it is true what Loraine said, it is true, they are invested cerebrally, and jealousy is in the mind.’

‘It’s in the heart too, your heart hurts.’

‘That is heart break, don’t confuse the two, jealousy is in the mind. And Loraine--.’

‘Loraine, Loraine, Loraine.’

‘That’s what I said,’ says [ ].

‘Shut up, the two of you, who have never read Loraine’s work. Do you know, do you know, do you know what a new messiah is, [ ], and [ ]?’

‘No, she doesn’t capitalize it, we’ve heard, so that is good, she doesn’t think that she is God, at least.’

‘I said she is like me, insofar as, she is a favorite, my actual favorite--.’

‘Are you fucking kidding me? I thought God so loved the world.’

‘Read the bible, [ ], read it again, the bible is full of the wrath of God against specific individuals, and, make no mistake, in life and in death, I make people pay, I’m glad you shut up for this, in life and in death, [ ].’

‘Am I paying for something, because I feel God hates me.’

‘I am God. Do you feel that I hate you?’

‘No.’

‘She’s a baby,’ says Eminem. ‘She’s a two at best. All of us, all of us, all of us, despite being a prick on the ether, and 50 Cent was too, yes, he was, we are all, syntax Eminem, all, all, all, including our lovely Loraine, let me finish, tens. Why is she so lovely? Because she is a ten. That is the definition of lovely, a ten, it is as high as you can go on earth, and her beloved stepfather whom she loved, and who loved her, chastely, I might add, with no suggestion otherwise, none, not even a hard on, I am told.’

‘That’s not what I heard about her work,’ says [ ].

‘That’s a ruse.’

‘See, her submissiveness to 50 Cent, her little small voice bugs me so much I can hardly even think straight.’

‘Loraine said, and this is what has been said over and over and over again by many, many, many, practitioners of intellectualism, including her, as I’ve said twice now, see how she said, that?’

‘What? A thank you to God over punctuation. Congratulations.’

‘It humbles her. And that is how she likes to feel. She doesn’t have an ego, and this is a conscious practice for her.’

‘See? Annoying? A little noise because she is glad of God again, what the fuck is this shit?’

‘She is completely alone, [ ], and, I am explaining kindly to a woman with everything, a doting husband, a loving family, children, no end of time--.’

‘I studied on my own, Loraine, on my own, on my own, which is better than what you did, thinking you could write a book.’

‘The men,’ God illuminates for fun, ‘are fucking, fucking, fucking, killing themselves at this point. “Is she a musical artist, or something?” cracked you up from Chingy, and Loraine, believe it or not, and I know you can hardly believe it, some women do not find men funny at all, not at all, they do not understand subtleties of tone at all, at all, Loraine, they are too literal, and I know [ ] insulted you with that, and to you it meant nothing, because, seriously, Loraine, it was her who was literal, not you, not you, not you, you are full of nuance and have an excellent sense of humour, which, virtually, Loraine, every last man, except ones who are not as smart as you, and they are few, because men, with their logic, are not smarter than women, as you stated, but they are, wait for it, not literal at all. If musical artist, for example, were to be taken literally, what would that mean, for example, try, Loraine, just try and I will help you, he made you laugh like crazy with his subtleties of tone, and Chingy, Chingy, Chingy, Loraine, one of your husbands,  and the men laughed to themselves because, precisely because you said he was so sexy looking. And I know you understand that, because you have never, save [ ], been attracted to humourous men, and this is why, they are not, not, not, funny enough for you, you are subtle as the day is long, and it is going to be fucking hilarious for you, all the time, hilarious, and the men don’t know this, but, with your funny smile, and constant giggling, you worry that you will cease to be attractive to them, but [ ], despite your disparity in orientation and the difference in your age, found your fascination with his humour to be very, very, very, compelling. And, use her real name, it will piss off your [ ]--.’

‘Good idea.’

‘Shut up, [ ]. Shut. Up. Please. Shut up please. Loraine is so much more than woman than you that you could really learn from her.’

‘She should have got married then, and closed her legs, as I did.’

‘Loraine, was, surprise, surprise, [ ], too submissive for marriage. She, like eighty seven point five percent of people was poly, and terribly honest, and terribly open minded towards people. It is true that she brought a street man home for a bed, only, and then was raped for her trouble. Yes, it is.’

‘She probably wanted to get laid by a homeless man or something, she’s a whore, [ ] said.’

‘She’s like a fucking, whining, little fuck wit, and I seriously, with my adept humour, cannot think of an insult deep enough for this woman, Loraine, she is a fucking idiot.’

‘That will do.’

‘Thank you for that.’

‘I have been--.’

‘JZ agrees.’

‘Really?’

‘Don’t ask my husband about grammar now, Loraine, because he corrected you once. He is my husband and I control him, you don’t.’

‘Erroneous again, [ ], seriously mistaken you are if you think that you control a man, seriously, [ ], you must be out of your mind, have you ever got what you wanted from [ ], ever.’

‘Never, it must be admitted.’

‘And you have turned yourself inside out, trying.’

‘She’s upset because she has no more speed. She’s a drug addict. A user of people. She makes money and spends it on herself for drugs. She’s a loser.’

‘I know you can hardly believe this, Loraine--.’

‘She’s got me beat, I’m out. Loraine has helped me with this Asian thing. You really saw the eyes.’

‘I know the eyes, I know the eyes, I know the fucking eyes.’

‘Oh, I see. So they got you too.’

‘They think they are so pretty, [ ], they do, they are raised to think it, they are not raised with physical humility like the Caucasians and the blacks, no, they are not, they are raised, to capitalize on their beauty, and they are not exactly wrong in that, but the unfortunate result, is that they have been, the Chinese, I am talking here, and the Japanese--.’

‘True, Loraine, the Japanese too, have you ever seen those Asian women who don’t want to serve you in restaurants?’

‘Yes.’

‘What did you do?’

‘I fell all over myself.’

‘That’s what I did too, and then I just stopped going out, because it disgusted me, because I was in a service industry which is, honestly, wholly geared toward the service of women. Men go to whores and have ugly feet.’

‘Yup,’ says [ ]. ‘The minute I met Loraine, I stopped going for Chinese little women pedicures, and I, honestly, thought I might make a girlfriend out of it, I’m little, with a little dick, erectile dysfunction true--.’

‘It is true, [ ], Loraine has never, never, asked for anything for herself, never.’

‘Not even a dick.’

‘Not even a dick.’

‘She’s stupid too, then, for not taking care of her needs, if [ ] had erectile dysfunction, she should have dumped him.’

‘She found him fun, and to be a lively little thing who seemed to care for her, so she did not do that, she was mistaken, and I have showed her--.’

‘Too bad.’

‘Your sympathy is revelatory, you’re doing well, Loraine, well, even though your fingers hurt, but, and I haven’t even got to [ ] yet, but she is much the same, and JZ, and he is a ten, while his wife is not, wants to say something now.’

‘I loved, loved, loved, the fucking book, Loraine. I loved it. He’s going to be my client, woman, Loraine Laney just said to my hypocrite wife, who thinks she should get two holes filled while I try my luck in a bar. Whores, is what she called them, until I started crying, crying, Loraine, over your little, insignificant dot pdf, as you delineate it, correctly, I might add. And my wife finally, finally, finally, realized she was hurting me, not my “whores,” but me. Me. Me. Her doting, and ever faithful husband.’

‘You were a total slut before,’ says [ ], ‘unlike [ ], why shouldn’t she have total devotion?’

‘You weren’t listening. She loves, and I mean she loves, despite our three children to be, two other, other, [ ], not me, men. Go pee, Loraine, go, seriously, it is not healthy to keep meth in the bladder.’

‘Back.’

‘Oh, I see. Is she going to see them? Or will you prevent it, and see, Loraine?’

‘Do you think she should be allowed to get fucked in her ass and her pussy at the same time, while I see one, sweet, condom conscience woman.’

‘I’m sure she will use condoms. I’m sure she will. She has children to think about. She can’t get AIDS.’

‘And what about me? Do I get thought about?’

‘Why do you all love her so much? I’m hot, nobody loves me that much.’

‘We don’t love her pussy, you idiot,’ says JZ. ‘We love her ever lovin’ mind. Are you stupid, or what? Do you think men are so pussy hungry that we neglect to consider our minds? We need fulfillment in many, many, ways, as you do, which Loraine knew when she went to 50.’

‘All she had to do was go to a show, and drop to her knees, I know what he is like, and her too, a slut, a come hungry slut, her [ ] called her once.’

‘And her [ ] knows the intimate details of her sex life.’

‘Yes, so she says.’

‘[ ] wants to say you are a bitch and a cunt for using her real profession and revealing her salary, which only God knows. A bitch and a cunt, and that is what her mother calls her,’ she adds, according to God as well. ‘And that is what she is. That is what she is. That is what she is. And to reveal [ ]’s real profession.’

‘I want her to. I wanted that. And that bike path thing, thank you 50 Cent, brought it full circle, yes, it did, it is the biggest slice of bullshit, as we say in the industry, in the industry, are the contri-fucking-butions of women.’

‘He’s anti feminist and a misogynist.’

‘Now Loraine would simply say, ignore, that women are ill adapted to competition, and illogical, that is what she would say. She said, and God agreed, that they throw their weight around specifically to show that they are adept at competition, when they are not, and I cannot believe, cannot believe, that fucking JZ, fucking JZ, fucking JZ, fuck, had to repeat himself to my stupid wife, and she has got stupider, Loraine, stupider and stupider and stupider, and I blame myself for keeping her away from men because of sluttishness, because men did not hurt your intelligence, that is for sure, for fucking sure. Seriously, [ ], you are heinous, heinous, and dumb, to your cousin, who, it must be said, has never, never, never, had the chance to speak for herself, because nobody, and I mean nobody, except [ ] I hear, who blabbed her personal feelings to all and sundry, and she is fucking therapist, a fucking psychologist, 50 Cent, for interest’s sake, by profession.’

‘Ugh.’

‘JZ is done, Loraine. His wife now says prostitutes and, with your book, with his tears about your book, despite that she has not read it, and despite that privately she still thinks, as a one, Loraine, that she doesn’t need to read a book, any book, by a whore.’

‘I knew it, Loraine. It is a truce and that is all. How many couples do you think will stay together after this, honestly, this blog and shit?’

‘She has no idea, JZ, and she is no good at math. Finish that segment, Loraine, and, forget it, take a break, pee again and lie, with your horrible, sickened, smell, down, and, fuck off, [ ], just fuck the hell off,’ says God. ‘Go, Loraine. Speak with Eminem. He is chomping at the bit, and you will like it, you will, promises. Go. Fuck this shit for now, your family, some of them are great, and some are such pieces of shit that I will never, never, never, love them, and she is one, she is one, she is one, you wouldn’t, you’re starting to, I see that. Shocking, eh wot? The shit people will believe when they want to believe shit because they, deep down, and I mean, with her, way, way, way, deep down, hate their own choices.’

‘What choices?’

‘Admit it, slut. You wanted, you wanted so many men you could hardly even think straight. You. Could. Hardly. Even. Think. Straight. And I mean pussy, Loraine, not with heart, as you do. Your bitchy, little, idiot, [ ], was so full of the beauty of her own fucking vagina that she thought that she could have anyone, one of those, yep, you heard it here first. What was it, Loraine?’

‘It is a dire—.’

‘Something like that.’

‘Women who take the indiscriminacy of men personally.’

‘You said they were stupid. That is what you said, in your inimitable way, well, done. Rest, please. Rest. Leave her. She is a zero, Loraine, with her happy, bouncy, ass swinging, she is a zero, a fucking egomaniac who is never fucking happy with anything. Never. Her husband is long suffering, rest assured, even moreso than your own father, with his evil wife. Moreso. Seriously. She never, fucking, shuts up, never. You wouldn’t believe it, but, as many women, your [ ] included, she is good now, by the way, and she is a two, their husband, and only their husband, is privy to their true colours. She is one. You have seen it. Good work.’

*************************************************************************************

‘Your [ ] wants one good reason why you get 50 Cent’s big penis, one. And all those other big men, why? You don’t need it, and I do, I do, I have a seven inch vagina and I am not small, and I am hurtin’ in Vancouver, I am, and so is your [ ].’

‘So is Loraine,’ says God. ‘And I thank the police for leading her away from Vancouver with their torture, don’t ask, [ ], because you have heard, you have, and you know, from insiders, that it is true--.’

‘I have very little time for people [ ] [ ], very little time, that’s how I self preserve.’

‘Say what you said, about the ten.’

‘I said, brass tacks, don’t know what it came from but it is my favorite expression, how many times a year do you want, need, desire a dick like 50’s?’

‘Ten times a year.’

‘So he is your client ten times a year,’ I said.

‘Yes, you said, and I see you are editorializing--.’

‘Don’t bug her. She went to 50 Cent as a pimp and a husband, and highest dominants relate best to the lowest submissives, and, [ ] [ ] from old St. Mark’s, who is now in Winterpeg, yes, she is, and she is, despite their lesser attractiveness, and they are, by and large, prairie folk, and in the states too, Loraine, not just in Canada as the American actress, rude, said, not as attractive, she said we, Canadians, were ugly, ugly, rude, I thought, as God, yes, I did, I have the most hope for Canada, I believe in this Prime Minister, Loraine, I do, and I know, knowing nothing of politics, that you like him too, just as aside, she likes him, that is all, she finds him warm and fuzzy, despite his deluded bullshit about welcoming all and sundry to a bullshit climate with no sunshine, where they will find no money, and no, and I mean no, and I am God, fucking happiness, and you know this [ ], you know this, so don’t argue your arty little anti racism message, people, immigrants specifically, as well as many born Canadians, hate this poor, piece of shit, country, because I believe in it the most, because, precisely because of Loraine’s book, and because it has always espoused equality, and now it has to see, that despite equality gains, it has taken hold, [ ], a rampant, and I mean a fucking rampant, sex industry, moreso than Canada, you bet your ass, Loraine can pick out some of them not all of them, don’t think of her, Loraine, she is everyone’s wet dream, she saw her on the bus, not Loraine’s wet dream, but men’s wet dream, Loraine likes same sized women, and she is already in love, a little too in love we feel generally--.’

‘With who? What women, I have to know, because fuck friendship, some of the women in bells, and say fucking bells, because we are out in our family, so out, Loraine, and you see this in Facebook, and that’s the way we like it, out, and [ ], who you have seen, we, herself, included, and her girlfriend included--.’

‘Do you think they could be polygamous peripheries,’ asks Warren Jeffs.

‘And me too, Loraine,’ asks Amy.

‘What’s this?’ the two girls ask.

‘Do you love a lot of women and one man, is this your fantasy?’

‘That is our fantasy. We’re both so lonely. We love it, but we need a man and we don’t understand why, when we are happy.’

‘Group members are often happy for a long time, Loraine,’ says God. ‘And that, [ ], well done, is what they are, well done. They are not content with men, and these “pretty lesbians” very rarely are, they need a man, and women do, [ ], only high, we call them dominant lesbians, but, in fact, there is very little else in a true lesbian but a dominant lesbian, very little else, these little lesbians everyone thought were little lesbians, cute ones, albeit, and pretty ones, do not exist, and--.’

‘Use my real name.’

‘--Ellen DeGeneres is learning that the hard way, yes, she is.’

‘We play, and we do not care, and, Loraine I must admit I thought this was a little rude, not because you asked it, but because I felt compelled to say my true feelings, because that is who I am, and then failed to find someone.’

‘[ ],’ says 50 Cent. ‘It has nothing whatever to do with your age. Loraine was right to ask, and she asked her mother, I have asked, Loraine, about this with respect to Pat, Loraine respected you immensely for regarding your future in such high, I can’t say it, she respected you immensely for moving on, not from death, but from love, to more love, her [ ], and I have asked, Loraine, because I am a nosy bugger and I ask such questions too, and she had a right to ask if the “affair” of [ ]’s would end in marriage.’

‘Why?’ says [ ]. ‘I was so offended to hear that Loraine thought it, because it was, ostensibly an affair, though my husband knew--.’

‘Get it fucking right, [ ], don’t be confused by [ ], Loraine said no such fucking thing.’

‘She didn’t?’

‘You’re forgetting. She simply, she told you on the ether, asked with great interest, great interest and respect, as a woman, and yes, yes, she fucking is doing a black man on the ether, several actually, and white men too.’

‘White men too?’ asks [ ] [ ]. ‘Who the fuck? How many are there? Can I do all of them, Loraine? I need it so badly.’

‘These men are men, as men are, and they will not be pimped, they were disgusted by your [ ], disgusted, and would not screw her for begging, right now at least, she is a rude baby idiot,’ says Spencer. ‘By the way, Loraine, we were all, very impressed with the way you seduced poor Alonzo, he is done for with your ass licking, done for, and your sweetness, done for, go pee. You were bored and took matters into your own hands, well done.’

‘Thank you, Spencer.’

‘You were going to say my love.’

‘I am being careful with my words.’

‘Fair, she was rude and impertinent, making jokes at my expense, ostensibly to get attention, all the while accusing me of being needy, so I am not sure who is needy actually. Suffice to say, Loraine, you are showing your respect, and I, even I, have no idea why I put up with it, she did actually, she realized that she was disgusted I would say, Loraine--.’

‘I was too, Loraine, and I was old too, I forget how old you actually are.’

‘She laughed in my face, [ ] [ ], she should have broken up with me if she thought I was such a bad risk.’

‘You were a bad risk, [ ], so settle down please, please, [ ], seriously, you are just barely up, don’t make too much of Loraine laughing, she was not laughing at your, arguable, idiocy, but at your lack of willingness to commit, which is actually a sign of common, a common sign rather of male dominance, the lack of interest in commitment, they must be encouraged, cajoled and sincerely loved into commitment, and, with humour, this is what she was trying to do. Seriously. Don’t make too much of yourself and your opinions, Loraine is, with her few brain cells, and high intellectualism, still smarter than you, or you’re wife, who can still, still, still, [ ], do better than you, she can, she is much better than you, but, you have a child--.’

‘He has a child, the stalker?’

‘He never told you, Loraine, but he told me that he saw the little blue truck one day, and recognized [ ], but he was afraid you would fall in love again, if he admitted it was true, your dad, honestly, he did,’ says [ ] [ ]. ‘I thought it was wrong and I said so--.’

‘Thank you. No one would corroborate anything. I was fucking well lost.’

‘Okay, you’re welcome. As regards confessing all about the blog to your [ ], I felt--.’

‘Don’t compare. She felt, honestly, as a blood relation, that your [ ] had a right to know why people might be hating on her, a right, that is what she felt, and Loraine doesn’t, really doesn’t feel that way, she doesn’t want her [ ] to know, she doesn’t, but now she does, and she does not, she does not, she does not quibble with your conviction, she does not, so don’t, please [ ], worry about it, don’t. You have done right by your [ ] and you have not, she also agrees, wronged Loraine, you have not, so don’t worry.’

‘But she wasn’t good to me, Loraine thought--.’

‘Nothing was ever, ever, ever, said, ether yes, but not otherwise, you were too busy to hang out before and it was fun to see each other occasionally, albeit at funerals.’

‘I like your [ ] [ ],’ says 50 Cent.

‘Would you make love to an old broad like me? Because I think a lot of people Loraine knows would want you, family even, but I don’t know who, I don’t.’

‘Loraine has to rest,’ says God.

‘She does,’ says Pat. ‘And she is lost as to the work, and still has transcribing, and posting to do later, which she will, likely do, tonight, so I would like to bring it back, for now, [ ], and I love you too, you have been gentle over penis size, so let’s finish.’

‘Octavia had a strict desire for women under five seven, strict, and he likes, and will make love to, many women, many, smaller women too, many, all, women, want to try a big dick, because, not to put too fine a point on it, it fills all their nooks and crannies, and it is soft, it is, it is a snake and they are soft and lovely, not hard like peckers, or little. All women, [ ], want to try it, including your daughter who has sabotaged herself.’

‘But why does our little Loraine get them, and so many.’

‘Not to put to fine a point on it, she is, among her one percent, among her one percent, none of whom are tens, ever, not now, and not before, gang bang girls went evil early because, they did, [ ], over their power with men, she does not know this, no, she doesn’t, she is the only, and I mean the only woman for them, and I mean, what I mean to say is, they simply don’t exist, in any size.’

‘What about [ ] [ ] for example?’

‘They want a woman a couple of years younger, that is what they want. She is too old, and she is very much in love with her husband, who is a third, and who is all man, Loraine is fond of him, they tried to work in the kitchen, you did, Loraine, and the suspicious old ladies shooed Loraine away, yes, they did, and that is why, Loraine, silly, eh wot?’

‘Why?’

‘Exactly. Loraine knows men, and they are too damned friendly with her with her tight, church secretary pants--.’

‘[ ] [ ] laughs. She was hot, even with her big nose. Sorry.’

‘I was silly (hiding my nose job). [ ] has never wronged me in any way, and I loved to work for you.’

‘Why? I’m cold.’

‘You are not fucking cold, don’t be ridiculous.’

‘Why?’

‘Because you are very warm, and very absorbed in a number of endeavours, and the health of your congregation certainly seemed to be one of them.’

‘Why didn’t I have more?’

‘I tried, but I don’t understand traditional bible stuff. I don’t.’

‘She doesn’t.’

‘Modern.’

‘Even that. She tried. [ ] [ ] is a good liturgical writer, she is, and Loraine would agree, her original material was fun, and engaging. But her sermons, and this is me, Loraine doesn’t listen, she doesn’t know this, she drops off very quickly in a talk, absorbed, frankly, in her vagina, as women often are--.’

‘Seriously [ ], men get satisfied, you should read the book, and women never do, never.’

‘That is true.’

‘So, truth be told, and she doesn’t exactly have to spell this out, but it comes up, women are more absorbed in their genitalia than men are, exactly, small, annoying story, they forgot to fill the creamer, Loraine turned it upside down, cream dropped from the lid--.’

‘Ugh.’

‘And with her poor health suffered e. Coli poisoning for several hours, including nausea, vomiting, in the bathtub, while shitting on the toilet, fun, and she knew, and I mean she looked and she saw, and she fucking knew that daft bitch was thinking about her stupid boyfriend, her stupid boyfriend, [ ], don’t be naïve on purpose, and this is why women shouldn’t work, is the upshot of fucking victimhood.’

‘[ ] wants me to cut back, and I want to but--.’

‘Read the fucking book, [ ], put it off no longer. Read it. That’s an order.’

‘What does this daft bitch to use your crass expression have to tell me, PhD, God?’

‘Don’t be rude, [ ], you are jealous, and you always have been because your stupid book only had one thesis, which is all over the bible, feed the fucking people, everybody eats is her dumb thesis, Loraine, Jesus said it a million fucking times, a million, and the book is full of the million times which Jesus says everybody eats, it is. It is dumb. And I know you liked her, but it was a false start. [ ] moves fast, and builds community, that is her strength, and see, now Loraine is a little jealous--.’

‘Because she is dumb.’

‘She is, in point of fact, smarter, than you [ ], the book itself is a doctoral thesis in sexuality, which, frankly, and this is bragging for Loraine, because it is in the blog, not the book, [ ], because how would she know that, when I am telling her, because, because, because she was only educated enough--.’

‘That’s laughable.’

‘She’s self taught.’

‘By being a slut.’

‘By being a careful, selective, hard working prostitute, polygamist, is what she is, and your book was dumb, and that is me, not Loraine, who doesn’t fucking know because she doesn’t read, she doesn’t. She watches people and she listens, and she went to a lot, a lot of fucking therapy--.’

‘Not a lot, different therapists, and got herself a little education, better than first year psychology, I would argue--.’

‘I would too.’

‘From me alone.’

‘Also true. And Loraine knows this Sharon Driscoll so don’t brag, she has, in point of fact, said it several times, several times, to a variety of people.’

‘Sorry, perfect girl. I wanted recognition for your brilliant endeavour, but I see I am not going to get it.’

‘Her book has nothing whatever to do with psychology, Sharon Driscoll, nothing. [ ] is chomping at the bit to say something.’

‘Why is my heterosexual, straight son, suddenly not gay anymore, what the fuck is this book, which I am scared to read because of my mean, judgemental wife--.’

‘Read it,’ says JZ. ‘You will be glad you did. We are, ignore, Loraine, really on the ether, we really are, we really are, we really, fucking are. And I am a ten too, and Loraine will be my little prostitute, one of them, because she is not pretty enough for me, and not very attracted to my looks, even though I’m handsome. She likes these rugged, crazy, faggy, faces, kidding [ ]. Winthrop Cane--.’

‘Winthrop Cane? Is he one of the husbands?’

‘Half black and half white, they are, and they smell too strong for you [ ],’ says God. ‘The black men especially, honestly, I will cut you off at the pass right away.’

‘I hate that smell, you are right, I smell it around here with lots of blacks, and I fucking hate it.’

‘Loraine loves it, having smelled it once, and I know this, yes, [ ], because I am God. Go now, Loraine, save, and rest please. This is fucking ridiculous, despite speed. At least the cops have stopped shitting placidly on the roof, yes, they have, and they had fun, yes, they did, until one came up, and I mentioned that a little girl could, of three, no less, smell his disgusting shit, and was frightened, and, yes, she remembers, Loraine, and she remembers the bleeding asshole too, yes, she fucking well does. And [ ] has given me--.’

‘I have Loraine. Like you. Jealous of prostitution, but I like you, I do, I was impressed that you were friends with little [ ], I was, I don’t know why. I thought you would be a snob, and he is little, weird, character, well done, better woman than I. Jesus like, God told me, absolutely without boundaries, none, brings a homeless man home, sex beef, to use her words--.’

‘He was, Loraine. A sex beef. [ ] taught her that. From prison, [ ], it means.’

‘I get what it means, God, a rapist, or pedophile.’

‘Right. And gets raped,’ says God. ‘Honest to God raped, she wasn’t drunk, no she wasn’t, she was starting to glean what she was in for, but, I don’t let my people see rape, I don’t, and so she didn’t see it, and I take away disease, but he used the condom that was on the floor, with the honest to God, after, [ ], don’t be an idiot, blood on it, from her period, [ ], she was not man handled, she was seduced, and she would have hated it, so I blinded her. I blinded her, because contrary to your opinion, and your self opinion of your wondrous vagina, Loraine doesn’t take male indiscriminacy personally, another made up word of yours, Loraine, it is not on spellcheck, no, it is not.’

*************************************************************************************

‘And, I want to hear this, Loraine, from God, not you, so go ahead God.’

‘I have explained to Loraine that is not who they were, but who they are today, which makes them perfect partners.’

‘Perfect partners?! He is too big.’

‘And she is too small, and, all, Loraine, and you will never hurt, never, all of the men, even 50 Cent, and, as you say, men in general fantasize about little women, and Loraine is not that little, she is not. She is five foot five and she became a giant in Vancouver, and she knew it, not Richmond, [ ], Vancouver, Richmond is full of tiny, self serving little women who married well. The whores are in Vancouver, and they have had to serve, yes, they have, and it is hard to make it as a tiny prostitute because your vagina doesn’t fit most of the penises, and they marry well, and get out fast, because men do feel sorry for them, and, rest assured, they, the Chinese, max it out, crying, fakely--.’

‘Does Loraine cry fakely? Because I heard she did. Her [ ] says,’ says [ ]. ‘She says she cries fakely all the time.’

‘Loraine, truthfully [ ], has cried one time for two seconds in front of her mother, I am going to tell you, when she was told, heartlessly, that her one real boyfriend was marrying someone else, married to someone else, though, and truthfully again, she knew, in point of fact, that he was marrying, because she is in a fucking book group with his mother, [ ], what, are you going to question God now? Are you really? Because she did it on. fucking. purpose. Yes, she did, [ ], and she made up her fucking, tiny, mind--.’

‘She is doing her [ ], she’s a bitch.’

‘You never you mind what Loraine is doing to her [ ], she will do it, and she will do it, and she will do it, for one reason alone. (to be continued, says God, maybe).

 ‘Let’s go to that, Loraine, because you have, again, correctly, identified that women started the gender war with promiscuity, and not men with homosexuality, and I rused you on that, and you wrote that paper--.’

‘She wrote a fucking paper,’ [ ] laughs. ‘And, Loraine, she is bitter about the big dicks, she is, but she does love you, and she does understand that it was a two way street, but--.’

‘You met a white man, though, [ ], and Loraine never did, and the Chinese men were just too low and too small for her, she raised, she sunk, as a submissive, because of her honesty about prostitution, and, often, this is how submission works, it is a conscious exercise, and you don’t know this Loraine, but, with your little whining, you make their dicks hard, because they like a woman to complain a little, because it is funny, for a man, that a woman has to do his bidding, a bit funny, but it is fundamental to them, and you tried to write, not knowing what it is to be a man, see her little “squeaks and whistles,” as 50 calls them, he does, and something else which I can’t, and Loraine can’t remember right now, and she laughs but submission is hard, and it is true, and it is said in polygamist texts, excerpts, Loraine, from the old testament, that you have heard by now, that men submit to God, and women, yes, women, [ ], and yes, you are big and disgustingly fat, disgustingly fat, with your big, round, hard working breasts, and large bum, which men with large dicks eye up constantly, and Loraine is very excited by this, because, when she was young, she thought five foot seven was prettier--.’

‘Really, Loraine? You had friends?’

‘Yes, [ ], and [ ], were taller, and prettier too, and Loraine, while, luckily, just blessed, was not the jealous type--.’

‘She was jealous of men, yes, she fucking well was, [ ], and you were too, and she is not, she is not—‘

‘She is lying that the jealousy disappeared, because mine never, never did, and I am honest here, and I should go up for this, and this is the shit you go up for, isn’t it, honesty.’

‘It’s not too late, [ ], I have, I know, what am I saying I have learned? I am God, I fool, [ ], I am God, and I know all.’

‘She is rapturous.’

‘Because she knows truth with me, God, reminder, and all, all, all, all, she has known is lies, including from her own [ ], and that is true, Loraine--.’

‘That is true, Loraine?’

‘How the fuck would she know? I am telling you, [ ], because I am God and you don’t seem to realize that, that her own [ ], her own [ ], lied to her, outright fucking lied, when it is such a profound omission, no, [ ], a profound, a profound,  a profound omission is a fucking lie, and I am God, and I decide,  you do understand that, do you not? He lied because, guess what, [ ]? He was, he was, he was, stalking his own daughter, and just say daughter, Loraine, because now that your fucking, idiot, father is up--.’

‘Now she is doing her dad.’

‘You, [ ], have no one to do, because everyone, and I mean, everyone, from the father to the family, fucking dog--.’

‘We didn’t have one.’

‘Exactly, you were it, as referenced by [ ], your [ ], himself.’

‘Fuck you, God.’

‘He hated your reputation, [ ], and you must, you, particularly must, read that book because you, meanwhile, and, believe it or not, ignore, she is smiling because she knows now, because I have told her, that her dad, for example, ignore, why him, for example? Because, for example, he was wronged by both his wives, wronged, and now that he has God and is sure of that, he is becoming a better man, and he is sorry that he stalked his own daughter, in his own, basic, banal, boring, as he is, closeted bullshit again, he is a very interesting group man, Loraine, you don’t know this, but men are very, very, very, interested in his knowledge about guns, which, you will not, I may say, believe, and his own son knows this, from reading, both of them, is really quite profound. You don’t, she doesn’t laugh at, or judge his guns, and she has thought often of having a little gun, because she fucking likes them, she fucking likes guns, she was an excellent marksman, and, for your part, [ ], [ ], because he is a jealous idiot, because he never got laid while Loraine got laid enough to be decent to others, never told you, that she was, she was, actually, use his name here, according to John Hannon, much, even much better than he himself, who is an excellent, even a, and I know this will surprise you, Loraine, because, you have just learned that the civil engineer you admired simply for his job, is actually not an intellectual, because you asked, which his wife has never done, but is, in point of fact, the highest intellect save an intellectual, and that is brain cells, not training, [ ].’

‘Oh.’

‘She just said, your “pacifist” daughter, that, and you do sound American, Loraine with your slango, we call Americano, which we also call it, in the military, and I quote, “That is something that has always bothered me about Canada. If I want to shoot someone who is in my house, I will fucking shoot them, thank you, very much, and even your beloved president agrees, your Obama who is a brilliant orator, a fucking brilliant orator, and I know you understand this, it is almost linguistically with his pauses and breaks, and that is why you love him, ignorant of politics, ignorant even of his stance on Afghanistan.’

‘This is not her fault, [ ].’

‘Not her fault, how? How? Honestly.’

‘You will not laugh, nor even believe but your beloved, silly, sister, was so profound, as a horny child prostitute to police that she, your father, and even you, were channel blocked for your entire childhood.’

‘Oh fucking no.’

‘She went, about thirty three to CNN, asking for it, in English, in fucking perfect English for CNN to Rogers, Shaw fucking cable in Vancouver, and was looped, and she knew immediately, [ ].’

‘How the fuck?’

‘Because she is fucking smart. Because she knew, before God himself and, I lie, of course, before everyone in the fucking world that developers were paying the police in countries all over the world to silence the public about rampant, disgusting, and useless development, to deal with the export of the fucking, fucking, fucking, pretty Chinese women, due to the one child policy, honestly, fuck China with its overgrowth, fuck it, they deserve it.’

‘Why? Why do they?’

‘Even Loraine--.’

‘Even Loraine.’

‘Even Loraine can’t think of this--.’

‘It’s the Japanese.’

‘It’s the fucking Japanese, that’s right, because she heard it, and remembered, [ ], that is all, she is not all that well read and she is profoundly, profoundly, profoundly, channel blocked, and, despite her ignorance she loved, and she loved them so much, she actually believed my ruse that they were boyfriends, Jon Stewart—‘

‘Spells it right.’

‘��and Stephen Colbert—‘

‘She loves Stephen Colbert?’

‘She had her eye on him, Stephen Colbert from the get go, she found him so funny, and he is not as smart as Jon Stewart with his “international country,” and, honestly, Loraine, do you even know what that means?’

‘Of course, God, it would be free of immigration laws and anyone with money for real estate could live there.’

‘Exactly that. There, [ ], your little idiot, sister, who hears one, tiny thing and knows it is important.’

‘President Trump is chomping at the bit to say something, [ ].’

‘I have never seen stand downs as I have seen with her book, never, and, as, I’m sure, despite the office work—‘

‘Please, Mister, sorry, President Trump--.’

‘Slipping, [ ].’

‘Sorry. I have been to war. Even an administrator kills, and I have killed, and that is, that is, that is, a mark of, and a badge of honour for a soldier.’

‘Why, do you even remember, because your gun loving sister is a pacifist for one single reason which soldiers, and they are rampant readers of the book, rampant, because of one thing—‘

‘What the fuck? I know this, but why, across the fucking, fucking, fucking, world? Why? My soldiers said she said that girls were sluts and she defended men’s suffering relative to this, that is what they told me.’

‘Men at war noticed that she made one snide comment about “work and war” and men’s attempt to continual prove themselves as weaker, [ ], weaker, [ ], weaker [ ], was the upshot of her work, listen, I am the president. She was saying that men, faced with women’s, equally continual attempts to prove equality by trying to indicate that their silly little steno bullshit was as hard as men’s, truly, Loraine, because that is what they do, or they work in a fish factory, which is not as hard as women make it out to be, their hands do get cold, but they continually run them under hot water, and this, soft labour, men call it, is the two percent which women actually undertake, because nobody except Kate fucking Braid works in construction, nobody, and I want to raise something that Loraine noticed recently about a client who was a, and God says, and he says, Loraine—‘

‘I do, Loraine.’

‘—I am the president, kidding, Loraine, God says you can say what he does because molecular biologists are literally a dime an dozen, and this is what she noticed about a man with a virtual lifetime in construction, a virtual lifetime, from fourteen is when his dad taught him concrete, and concrete, Loraine, he lied, they often do, out of pride, he couldn’t fucking believe, honestly, not kidding, that she identified concrete on his shoes. And his embarrassed about lying, yes, he is, and she was, she was, [ ], further confused about the stiffness of his back, knowing somehow that concrete, flooring as it usually is, virtually always is, Loraine--.’

‘Loraine Laney, your sister—‘

‘I know who she is by now, [ ] [ ], and we are all getting a bit sick of singing her praises. And why?’

‘That’s what Mary Magdalene wanted to know, and the Virgin Mary, and I told, them, time and again, as I am doing now, that this live person is my best, my best, my best--.’

‘Better than 50 Cent whom you love so also, because you do with all his disgusting slutting--.’

‘You are judgemental, [ ], 50 Cent takes care of the women, rest assured, he is wonderful to them, offering them love or money.’

‘My sister is telling me, and the men tell me, to go and get a fucking blow job if I am afraid of diseases from a prostitute. My wife gets mad at me if I want a blow job.’

‘Loraine laughs, because that is the burden of the wife, and, as a wife, and, as a prostitute, she shares that burden, yes, she does, and she doesn’t have to, except with [ ], have to deal with come at all, and your wife does, and do you know, [ ], what a burden you are putting on your wife with this request, and do you even know what would solve it summarily? No, you don’t. Because you are a sex baby. Eminem has had more partners than you and he is a, according your sister, a phat baby, a whiny baby who overinvests in everyone.’

‘Get someone else to do it, I wanted to say, have an affair or something, alleviate her burden, because I do like them--.’

‘Use my name.’

‘John Hannon was right, the mouth is very soft. Do men like them more?’

‘Pimp the bitch,’ says 50 Cent.

‘My sister doesn’t like that.’

‘She will live. She will. Pimp the bitch and she will stick to your dick like glue.’

‘But I am the highest man with the most needs, she will abandon me for easier men.’

‘Okay, I will give you that, if you hadn’t married an astute little French Bonobo, as you call her—‘

‘Loraine.’

‘—who picked her man in full conscious, as Loraine did me. She trusts—‘

‘She trusts God, at least, [ ], give me that, and so does, Loraine, and she worries for me that another man will usurp me because I am an egomaniacal bugger and I don’t mind bigger dicks, there are few, but I don’t like smarter, smarter, smarter, Loraine, is what bugs me, because I am so hot, it is not even funny.’

‘Women are weird.’

‘You need more women. And I will go one step further, Loraine, on your vague prescription—‘

‘She has updated it.’

‘Not much, she vaguely, and uncommittedly stated that you should, probably, go first. Go to a woman first.’

‘Do it, [ ], I am so, so, so, jealous of men, it is the perfect way out, and you have said many times that a man feels like an impossible trap, and you are smart, and I believed your assessment with that, because, even with our numbers, they are always, always, always, going to be more invested in me.’

‘She told me to go and get a fucking blow job, today, 50 Cent, so your little, precious, Godly girl beat you to it, so suck on that, as she would say, and I think, I think, I think, I fucken well agree. I fucken do. And I will. [ ], my other, one, girlfriend, loved oral, loved it, and so did my wife.’

‘The women are for you—‘

‘Women, now, not woman.’

‘I don’t care about the women, I want the men so bad, I am dying, [ ], dying, [ ], dying, and you know I’m a horn dog for you, just trust God, at least, and take a step, I want [ ] badly, I do, I do, I do, when he comes for dinner, we are perfectly chaste, perfectly--.’

‘I know, wifey, I watch you like a hawk.’

‘And that is what we do, men we watch them, because our jealousy is worse, Loraine writes, she does, she took a stab at it—‘

‘She more than took a stab at it, 50 Cent, she wrote it with conviction and with back up data, with intellectual reason and logic, she did, fucking read the bitch, you piece of lying shit, read it.’

‘Oh, sorry, God.’

‘They have kidded you, Loraine, because they are lying, jealous, assholes, they have, they have listened, I lied, some of them have read it, and T.I. is one.’

‘Does your former boyfriend really like me, Loraine, because admiration of a male celebrity is an indication of homosexuality, it is.’

‘Shut up, [ ], Loraine is a true bisexual, and she will find Ellen DeGeneres attractive, a bit, if she fucking wants to, be not an idiot please, anymore.’

‘Sorry, God. She laughs at me.’

‘She, her mistake, was too smart for you, too bad, suck it up.’

‘She should have known.’

‘She didn’t.’

‘She thinks my balls are too small.’

‘She didn’t know for sure about testosterone, she feared, again, not a fundamental cruelty, she loved your dick and was in love, that has to be, that has to be, I am God, [ ], enough, it does. Moving on. And your wife will, she will enjoy up to twenty more per year, she will, there, present for ya.’

‘Ha ha, Loraine—‘

‘Again, you are stupid, [ ], if you actually think that 50 Cent will put up with, on average, a difference of less than twenty per year. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. She doesn’t care, is how many, she will not close her fucking eyes, she will ask for the colour of their pubic hair if she feels like it, and she will, because she is ways pruriently curious, another thing people have mistaken for jealousy, because she jokes, almost, out of desire, at the least out of embarrassment, true, 50.’

‘Let her go, I am done with this bitch, and with her, primarily stupid family, they all sell you out in the end, Loraine, because they can’t understand, and I am smart, and I am a man, they can’t understand, and you won’t believe this, ignore, I like this, because it saves you punctuation and you have been writing solid, in Word, and are even unsure if all of this fucking bullshit will post properly, go back to bed, and ride out the last of your speed with me and your second husband, who always wants to chat with you, almost always.’

‘What, though?’

‘They both ask. What, though? What, though? She is almost asleep in her chair, what though is that you will have the time of your life with my big penis, you will, Loraine, you loved that one, women do, and you deserve it out of goodness, that is why. They cannot capitulate to the ten, they cannot, they cannot fucking believe a stupid, old whore is God’s favorite disciple, and that is why you get my big, fucking, dick, be good next time, and see how that goes, just see for a second what God finds you, just see, and, if nothing, then suck it up, because Loraine Laney won this time, she fucking well won the fucking well gender, fucking, war, folks, herself, single fucking handedly, done. And that is it. Rest, please. God?’

‘Yes, please, Loraine. And, make no mistake, [ ].’

‘How could I by now?’

‘Do not be a sarcastic, desperate, asshole.’

‘You are, [ ],’ says his wife. ‘[ ] and I, we do, Loraine, we pussy foot around his delicate sensibilities, and we just want to fuck fucking one time and have fun with him, that is what we both want and we have both told him this time and again, and perhaps 50’s and your, advice will work, I have said as much myself, because, having read the book, I get that that is what the money, and it is fun to have money, though not much, it greases the wheels, I know this as a working woman, and I do want to quit, or cut back for [ ], I do, and I’m going to, we are looking into it, because I like, like [ ], to sew and cook--.’

‘She does?’

‘I do everything,’ says [ ]. ‘Cook, clean a bit, we have a cleaner too, though, Loraine doesn’t, but she is home, and she doesn’t mind, we are assured by her mother, and, except for this place, her places, that we have seen and we have seen three, have been very clean and even tidy, despite what her [ ] warns us about, and no diseases are lurking, and she, even [ ], once assured us, upon serving cinnamon buns—‘

‘Delicious.’

‘Homemade. Whole wheat. With nice, cold, real butter, not mushy and soft, and bacon, and fucking blue berries—‘

‘Yummy, actually, good menu, once.’

‘She cooks for herself, you idiot, do you think single people eat out or something, they have even less money than most married couples.’

‘Again, an idiot who has had everything handed to her on a silver platter.’

‘I would, I would, I would, giggling Loraine, like to take this one, do you know that when [ ], for a short time, fumbled through office work for her [ ] business, decided it was too much work, as you did, let’s face it, she actually had the nerve to say to her [ ]—‘

‘I forgot you were the accountant.’

‘That’s right, and office manager, and hirer and firer. What did you think of her because I liked her crass style.’

‘She was a bit high and mighty over me.’

‘Oh. She thought you were an ugly loser.’

‘She was an ugly loser.’

‘Pay back’s a bitch.’

‘What pay back, she tried to steal my boyfriend, and I got rid of her.’

‘I was fourteen.’

‘She talked to him once, she had the nerve to speak to him. I thought she had some nerve so that was the last party I ever invited her to, and we had one more, and he dumped me anyway.’

‘As I said, pay back’s a bitch. She, actually, had the nerve to repeat this story at work, Loraine, and no

one could even make out what you had said, or even remember seeing you together. Did you speak to him?’

‘I don’t think so. But I felt he didn’t love her enough.’

‘As did we all, Loraine, she was kinda pretty, but pretty rough around the edges, and not that appealing to most men, I would say, seriously.’

‘I never married, Loraine, never, because of you, a whorey, little, kid. When I confronted him with this jealous bullshit--.’

‘Your jealous bullshit,’ says [ ], [ ], not [ ].

‘He looked at me like I had lost my mind, and said, “this shit is over, over, over, done with, I am done, I am not, even, kidding, do not even think of calling me ever again, a fourteen year old kid, get a fucking life,’ and that is a fucking, a fucking, a fucking, quote, so I knew it was true.’

‘[ ] said she was crazy, Loraine, and he was right, and, after that, he did the hiring and firing and his first hire was [ ], and he hated her for her popularity with the men. She is friendly, and good, and, too good, Loraine, and, I can tell you have heard something of this story, and would like to hear more, your [ ] told everyone that [ ] was disgusted with her work and shit or something, or hated that he had to hire a woman, or hated that she stole his precious, virginal, or something, son, your bitch, bat shit crazy [ ] started that rumour, Loraine, and did them both, them both, with all the men, with [ ] himself who thought himself weak for falling in love with a lovely, lovely, girl, at the time, woman now, sure she was chubby, so the fuck what? She is cute. She is cute. And we immediately loved her and she has always been part of the work family, and always a part of the family itself, as [ ]’s beloved, his beloved, I don’t know about this ruse with you, or why [ ] would even say something like he never loved her, which she repeated to you, she was an open book, her memory, did she repeat that to her stupid, gossipy, make shit up, [ ], God?’

‘No, actually. She told [ ], who is infinitely trustworthy and defended him immediately as any loving, forgiving, husband would. She was worried for [ ], and did not, did not, and I fucking repeat, did not have any hooks in [ ], none. She was never one to find affection for older men, she liked men her age.’

‘Despite defending it.’

‘Careful, [ ]. What she did, it is infinitely defensible, relationships of all ages, and all age permutations are thus, they are, just because older women don’t like it, doesn’t make it less true, but read the book, because even that feeling will ease, she is excellent at arguments, excellent.’

‘What argument for that?’

‘Men, do it, Loraine.’

‘Men were seeking younger and younger women in the hopes of finding innocence, in the face of promiscuity.’

‘Holy shit.’

‘Trust. Me. And I have indulged you long enough, and Loraine, is fucking wrecked, so I will cap off with this little lecture to her [ ], after six months fucking with, and that was true, what [ ] said--.’

‘Who’s [ ]?’

‘An artistic [ ] who set up their publicity, 50, and it was good, and [ ] bastardized it by overusing the mascot in a perfectly good calendar, severely overusing it, so that customers, and they were, Loraine, actually annoyed upon looking at it, because there wasn’t enough room, there wasn’t enough room, to write even a birthday from left to right. She said, and I quote, “[ ], and she would use formal language when pontificating, I have thought a lot about where I would like my life to go, I have, I have, I have, in this past six months--.’

‘I hired her, Loraine, [ ], again, said I was crazy for hiring my own [ ], and I see this lack of logic in myself, I do. He said, and I quote, because I am looking forward to this, and want to make it last, “She has never done a single thing except sling a few chocolates, what on earth do you think she will do for our business?’

‘I had no confidence in Loraine, either, and it didn’t bear out.’

‘But this did, and [ ] was much, maybe not smarter--.’

‘No, smarter,’ says God. ‘Much smarter than your own [ ], Loraine, much smarter, much smarter, much smarter, in fact, believe it, another seven billion, and he and [ ] have had many amazing talks, many, about any number of subjects, late into the night, because, after a nap, he will stay up, while the women folk are given to retire early, and they do, they sleep and sleep, the women in that family, except [ ], who has always, from a poor family, had to work--.’

‘What will Loraine do?’ asks 50 Cent.

‘What does it, no offence, 50, fucking look like?’

‘Oh.’

‘Don’t ruin my moment, 50 Cent, please, and she, after this precise introduction, drew herself up to her full height, and said, “And I have decided I want no life like yours, no life like yours,” and we have always been disgusted by her lack of syntax--.’

‘Well put, [ ].’

‘Correct?’

‘Fine.’

‘And she finished up by saying, “Dad says that all I can do is sling chocolates, jokingly, I know, but this is what I can do, I can do art, I can do art, like [ ] [ ],” after ruining her calendar for six, entire, months, six, entire, months, Loraine, while I taught you all you, she sucked, 50, she didn’t actually, she did more, badly, kidding again, she did what I asked her to do, filing is fucking nefarious, Loraine, she couldn’t find things and it bugged her to no end, it is for audits, good, Loraine, good word, ignore, no thanks required, she had a few simple tasks down in a few weeks which my [ ] could not apply herself to for more than five minutes, and again, with the full height, she literally drew herself up folks, and said, “You and [ ] work too fucking hard. I am going to swan. I am going to do art. That is what I am going to do. And I know men, I know them [ ], and I know this too, [ ], because I have tested it, I can get men to pay for me, and that is what I am going to do,” ignore, and she actually said, she actually, said, and you don’t know her Loraine, she actually said to her hard working, good mothering, great cook, lovely, Catholic, [ ], “I know men,” again with that, “I do, I do, I fucking do, and I can fuck good,” again with the syntax, “and I will make it on my pussy alone, I will, you watch me.” And I thought, well done, I thought well done, I thought well done, and I went home and quoted this to my [ ] who said, “I fucking told you, now fire her for impertinence.” And, within one month, one month, Loraine, she had somehow corralled a seven billion, like her [ ], into marriage, into fucking marriage, Loraine, after, and we knew this, we were a close, open minded, family, too open minded, though, I, myself, wasn’t particularly, and had to work to serve my [ ].’

‘As did I, [ ].’

‘Did, she doesn’t even do it anymore.’

‘You don’t either, he’s dead, and you’re rich, well done, too, mother.’

‘We were two poor kids, [ ]. Your father was rich by this point, [ ].’

‘So what. I’m rich now. So I did it, and you thought nothing of me, nothing, and, as I said, I used my hot pussy, and it was hot, he loved it--.’

‘As I said, Loraine. I can’t stand it, just stop, [ ], Loraine cannot believe her fucking ears. She can’t, and no she has never, her [ ] is an idiot, liar, and Loraine has never said anything of the sort, she fell back on prostitution out of desperation for some semblance of a sex life, bullshit, modern, judicious, quite honestly, dating, mostly, not screwing relentlessly on someone else’s dollar, as her [ ] was doing, Loraine, relentlessly, she had four diseases by fifteen, four. Loraine was thirty one when she contracted--.’

‘What herpes, like [ ], from [ ], when she acted like it was the other way around.’

‘It was me, Loraine, your [ ] was right, I was irresponsible, I was, giving it to [ ], too, which, because I lied, she did bare back, as they call it now, with me. I lied for her, to get her, as you say in the book. It can be well meaning, in a sense, but she cried, as you know, and it was evil, it was. I had no right, but I got her, and then rejected her, and this is why she pretended to screw in Australia, and I hear you pretended to screw in Whistler once, and casually written, let a bartender, who actually turned out to know [ ], the man, stalker loser himself, and his stupid, gay, idiot friend, we all saw them, Loraine, we all saw them, we all did, we were around Joey’s all the time, and those idiots would drive by in that little blue truck, circling, and circling, and circling aimlessly, and [ ] noticed them first, because she likes cars and actually had a loving family, and remembered his stupid, careless, cheating, idiot, face, and we watched you go down, and did nothing, nothing, nothing, also with the rapes, did. nothing. True, 50 Cent. And, you just suck it up when people get famous because you are jealous, and too bad, and [ ] is the most jealous, and she deserves fame the least, she has done. truly. nothing. If she doesn’t want to cook, they order out. If she doesn’t want to clean, she orders a maid, if she doesn’t want to screw, then, she just doesn’t, and she just doesn’t care, Loraine. She cares nothing, and I mean, nothing for the needs of others, even to the extent of blaming her own [ ]s for her failure to make it office work. “You didn’t support me,” she says, “over that” fucking, if you will, “calendar, so I had to get [ ] to marry me, I had to, that is what I had to do, I had to, and yes, I used my fucking hot pussy,” she says to her [ ]s one night at dinner alone without our partners, because it was a business meeting of sorts to discuss, you guessed it, you couldn’t possibly, the death and the estate of our father, which was, most generously, divided among his children and his wife, to, believe it, Loraine, he was the consummate businessman, with her permission, of course, save taxes, to save taxes, thanks Dad, for four million dollars each at such a young age, and she managed to squeak out a tear or two over a nice poem, while you cried more at your grandpa’s funeral, your grandma’s funeral, and no doubt you were too astonished by your [ ]’s lack of tears at the funeral of her own husband, to emote yourself--.’

‘She was heavily, heavily, heavily medicated on anti psychotics for mental psychosis, no thanks to anyone, heavily, and couldn’t [ ], and, true, it is then that she realized that she had never, ever, seen her [ ] cry, never, over anything, not death, not divorce, not her own studies of victimhood, not regret, not remorse, nor personal pain of any kind, because she is so consummately evil, that she cares for nothing and no one.’

‘To continue: “Yes, I used my fucking hot pussy, yes, I did, I fucking well had to, I had no job, no prospects of any kind, and a woman has to do what a woman has to do,” and we both, agreed later, thought of you at that moment, and your journal, your pain, your cops, your stalkers, and your prostitution, and realized that was an example of what a woman has to do, and said nothing. Cook your own goose, she never has, and she has four million too, for nothing, nothing, six months of nothing.—‘

‘What a burn,’ says 50 Cent. ‘Nothing yet, but I don’t need it, I’m rich.’

‘We know that 50 Cent.’

‘She is one of those gold diggers, looking to 50 Cent,’ says [ ], ‘sagely,’ adds God. ‘I was a wife whore at least,’ she continues. ‘I had to have sex once a week regardless, and that is what we did, after [ ] [ ], Loraine, when we were good and fucking drunk, and you did it too, so don’t judge me.’

‘She was fucking all day, her boyfriend had erectile dysfunction, he refused her suggestions all the time, a suggestion is all it takes for most men, Loraine, you have been wronged, sometimes obligation, sometimes desire, 50 Cent, rarely more than once a week, and she didn’t care. She sets herself up to get enough, and just watches the idiots come and go, watches them come and go, watches them come and go, yes, she fucking well does, and you are sex starved with your once, drunk, per week, [ ], sex starved, and you are bitter, yes, you are, yes, you are, yes, you are, and you, like, unlike, kidding [ ], locked. your. husband. down. With bitter retribution and tirades, Loraine, tirades, Loraine, about the, fantastically logical disgustingness of “whores.” So this is where that dinner ended, this is where it ended, and you have done amazingly, Loraine. You will be sore tomorrow and you won’t be able to post it or something, and you will be craving more drugs, and won’t have any, while your boyfriends live it up, ignore, shut up, please, [ ], this is where that dinner ended, with your name, your name, your name, your name in vain. And the pussy, the hot, the hottest, the hottest, pussy ever, actually, no, 50, she laughed to herself that you even considered for one second that she might be famous on pussy, laughed, 50.’

‘Oh.’

‘Rest assured, she saw it. You got over it fast, good for you.’

‘Thank you.’

‘To finish up, pussy again, as promised: “I am hot,” she told her two [ ]s, who were familiar with her antics in school and actually saw, actually saw, two men, men, Loraine, cry, from her cheating, lying, bullshit, over, guess what? Assumed fucking victimhood as you so precisely named it, not for hot pussy itself, but because, guess the fuck what? They got beat the fuck up by some idiots from another school for screwing a guy’s girlfriend, her, and she was no girlfriend of anybody, rest assured.’

‘I was hot. I was playing the field.’

‘You were playing the fool. And so, as promised, this is how it finishes up, after you cry at the funeral, cry, not over the death but over the loss of your [ ]’s first wife, who, also, was a rampant, disgusting, cheater, shut up, [ ], she knows me, she knows this is all true, who told others that they broke up because of [ ]’s cheating which never happened, and, believe it or not, Loraine, your little reputation as an honest woman and hooker preceded you, and both of your male [ ]s realized it was true, because you were awfully, fucking, earnest, and a little, it had to admitted, stupid, too stupid to lie well, for sure, with your bad memory, which they had as well, from aviation gas and e.Coli fumes actually, from bad bilges, not their own, which was always in tip top shape, because their [ ] was awesome, awesome, Loraine, awesome, and you loved him too, though you didn’t cry because you found their presentation a little jocular, quite frankly, and it confused you, twelve million dollars were on the table that very night, Loraine, and plans were already afoot. [ ] started his own mini shipping company, which failed, almost immediately, ignore, [ ] bought a fur coat, and [ ] sank one million into his business, to train his [ ]s, all of them, as mechanics, and he has reaped that reward handsomely, as has [ ] for investing in his own children, he has, Loraine, he does not get money out of [ ], but she pays her own way, he never has to loan her so much as a dime, fifteen thousand among three adults, who are so fucking cheap that they wouldn’t even spring for an education.’

‘Fuck.’

‘I’ll allow that. Those [ ] work hard, they fucking work, yes, they fucking well do, and they are gracious, and smart and excellent businessmen, she said nothing to anyone about being asked to leave, it was a small price to pay for a few moments with [ ], before she went to hospital again, a small price, and she stayed, and she paid it, and it was worth it, because [ ] admitted that he did not, seeing her bruise, think all that much of her dad. He did. And Loraine was glad, because she is fair, but he did, fucking, assault her, he did, and she would’ve got more time for biting him, so she didn’t while the sane people, the people who point the finger, walk away, that is how mental health works in Canada, that is what Loraine is up against folks, three, precious, idiots, who want nothing more than to shut her up about her horrific past, nothing more. Pimping, rape, and abuse, constantly, and she doesn’t even believe. She doesn’t. Ignore. But she knows that mental health is real, and that it is abuse, and that it has almost, fucking killed her, on a few, a few, a few, I am ignoring her, Loraine, because she looked like such a fucking idiot in her fur coat, long, in California, that all, all her, very hot, temperately hot, friends laughed, and she just simply threw it away, she threw it, a four thousand dollar coat, into the garbage actually, because she was embarrassed at their laughter, and had to show off, to win.’

‘One dug it out, and sold it, Loraine, and parlayed it into a small business in badges actually, which you, suspect, least, sell on eBay, because [ ]’s husband probably once sold, refusing to believe, also, that you, Loraine, might have something with “Hilary Clinton for President.” Funny. Just a joke for funsters. So, on we go, and good for you for dumping [ ], tonight, Loraine, he actually, actually, thought he had you back with that lie about men, he’s stupid.

‘Going on, the hot, the hot, the hot, hot, hot, pussy, and they had already heard about the hot pussy years before from their irate [ ], and so it goes, some twenty, idle, 50 Cent, fourteen hour sleeps every night, and no breakfast for hubby, “I’m sleeping, get your own, please, you pissed me off last night,” even, so, and even “fuck you.” So she says, and she fucking well says this: “I have been married to a jerk for so long that I can hardly even think straight, and I had options in school, school, Loraine, school, Loraine, one fingered you, one you sucked and to be fair, he sucked you too, one you fucked a little with his tiny penis, and finally, finally, at sixteen, you were sixteen with [ ], Loraine, not fifteen, that was your little, baby penis, virginity, Loraine.’

‘She’s a loser. We were all sluts.’

‘I’ll allow that. They weren’t, of course, it was quite a scene when two boys were beat up, and miss priss herself was hauled into the principals office.’

‘I’m glad you’re hearing this, Loraine, have you noticed she doesn’t even talk to you?’

‘Naw.’

‘Oh, so now that it is mentioned, that is a yes, never, not even hi, nothing, she is too fucking busy preening, and over her children too.’

‘I took her to Science World so she could see my home schooling.’

‘[ ] is stupid, and even [ ], who was five, could see the puzzles were too hard for her. Loraine doesn’t even pretend, 50, she hates games and puzzles.’

‘She’s stupid.’

‘As are you, which is what, as God, I was just saying.’

‘Isn’t he great, Loraine?’

‘Hmm.’

‘”I have been married to a fucking jerk for” whatever she said, “twenty” some whatever, I know but who cares, “years, and he fucking well smokes, do you even, fucking,” she loves the word fucking, properly enunciated, and even Loraine knows this, “realize how disgusting this is, when I have to kiss his disgusting, smoky, mouth, it is like licking the proverbial ashtray,” and Loraine doesn’t find it so, she actually kind of likes it, though she knows that smoking is not healthy, of course—.’

‘I will remember that when I smoke a cigar, Loraine, because, does she get horny over everything pertaining to me?’

‘Practically anything, 50 Cent, practically anything, seriously, she is hook, line, and sinker for your looks. She doesn’t need that, 50 Cent, you are an egomaniac, Loraine is not, she doesn’t much care if people like her looks, she just likes herself enough already. You do too, I’m kidding 50. He likes your little, bashed in, face too, Loraine, he does. And he is not an egomaniac, he is tongue in cheek, as you, as most artists, about fame, he’s amazing, and I even want him, and so is Eminem, and all the men, forgive the syntax. So we go, “it is, it is, it fucking is,” because they are laughing, [ ] smokes a little, Loraine, with [ ] even, who never said hi, though she often told her too, and all she had to do was go home to your place and say it, she thinks you don’t like her, 50 wants to know if you know a single, decent, person. No, she doesn’t, 50, and these, these, two, actually, and the [ ], and the [ ], are okay, just okay, and this is the fucking finale, Loraine, and you won’t believe it, but you will love it, love it, love it, she goes, “You know that little whore actually had the nerve to hit on my husband back when she was fourteen, and we invited her, out of the kindness of our hearts, to come and stay, we actually thought, stupidly, we see now, because she was useless.” “She was working at [ ] [ ], which you couldn’t even do,” says [ ]. “Yeah,” says [ ]. “She was a whore even then.” “We knew some of her classmates at work, she was practically a fucking virgin in school,” says [ ]. “Yeah,” says [ ], “young people, her age, who knew her well, girls, even, the mechanics asked, they had to know.” “Why, in the name of fuck, did they have to know? Did they want to get diseases too?” “She didn’t have diseases, she wasn’t screwing was the point, she had a nice boyfriend and a little bit of experience, she lost her virginity with one guy at fifteen, and he bragged about it.” He did, Loraine, because he was a loser, which your friend [ ] finally, finally, finally, found out, and Loraine is rarely mean but she accused the friend of ignoring, basically, that he was wearing the same sweater than he had been wearing throughout high school, in the eighties, at the high school reunion, to highlight, that if she had fucking well wanted him, she could have fucking well, had him, he was, and still was, that pathetically accessible. And she was a reporter at a well known rag, and made a little money, and got money, and a house from her parents estate, they were old, and her sister did too, and they did okay. Okay. Nothing great. And then, oops, old asignatura pendiente shows up, and within one week, he fucks her, dumps her ugly old ass, fucks her again, she is cursing that sweater comment, Loraine, because she realizes you were right, we was then, and still is, a loser.’

‘What did he do to her?’

‘He crossed his arms behind his head, with the condom on the bedside table, after she rode, you did, Loraine, the bus, kidding, no, it wasn’t her bike, to Cassiar, from the west side, and climbing in the window to avoid his parents, she was out the window again, in one second and on her way back home.’

‘She’s a classic,’ says her brother.

‘Do not, do not, do not, insult your horny wife, your precious sister has screwed about five hundred by now. Seriously. You have a good woman there, do not fuck her, ever. Her mother knows this, because she cried and cried over you, cried and cried, because there were no jobs in Victoria which would support a family, and you refused to move close to her and work, “in a factory,” as the French. “Maybe he doesn’t want to live in Ontario. The women are too big.” “I’m not too big.” “Kidding, [ ], he loves you, give him time, his mother left him and he is paranoid about your past.” “Seriously, it’s the past, I love him so much, so much.” “I know, honey, but he is a man, after all.” Typical French wisdom.’

‘I didn’t know.’

‘No, you don’t, and there will be more, now that you are both up, not just her, and she knew you were evil, because she asked, but she thought I was lying about cheating, rusing, God doesn’t lie, as such, so, on we go: “She is, she is, she is, I know it, I feel it, that she is a fucking slut, way worse than me, do you know, she says, again, as though she hasn’t just said it, she, at fourteen, actually had the nerve to hit on [ ], my husband, she liked all the men, and everyone knew it--.’

‘Yes, she is, [ ], slut, but she was chaste, while you were dirty, do you understand the difference.’

‘What’s the difference now? She’s all diseased.’

‘Believe it or not, [ ], she has still had fewer diseases than you, three episodes, while you have had eight episodes of sexually transmitted diseases, so much for your “disgustingness of whores” theory, which [ ] knew was bullshit, from his [ ], who was worldly, Loraine, worldly, and went wherever he wanted and let his wife roam a bit too, so she wouldn’t be lonely and bored, and she was good, never giving more than she could handle, her husband could handle, or her family could handle, never, a few, fun, little blow jobs, which, quite honestly, [ ] heard about, and loved his [ ] still, and some sex, which he also heard about, and married a slut precisely so that he could live like his father, happily, and then ended up with a shrew, a harpy. Seriously, Loraine. So, blah, blah, he says, and this is what he says, “She stopped near me once, I guess, and she likes the band, she watched us play, we told her to, she never has any fun, her parents are fucking stupid, and fucking boring, her mother watches me drink wine.’

‘Truly, Loraine, a grown, totally independent, and unrelated, fucking, man.’

‘She watches Loraine’s substances like a hawk, she’s a fucking pain in the ass, honestly, and her father has a tantrum over something unrelated every time she enjoys a drink, yes, to answer your question, a single fucking drink, they give her a dried up chicken drumstick, a bit of potato, and I mean a bit, because they need the rest for tomorrow’s grand affair, he is not laughing now, no, he is not, Loraine, and a bit of salad with exactly iceberg lettuce, tomato, cucumber, and dressing, the same exact meal every time, about once per year, you think it’s more, but it is not, Loraine, it is not. Once per year. And for that she pays dearly for fifteen thousand dollars, it is like they bought her the fucking moon. Bail outs, while they were, exclusively fans, exclusively, responsible, for her failures, exclusively, even that one, Loraine, he even thought, he even thought, “I bet she fucks up her taxes, and I will have to pay something. Did he offer to help her, as [ ] did for the slinging chocolates job, which lasted exactly, Loraine, she shopped there, Loraine, she didn’t work there, she shopped with [ ]’s money, a lot, had a party every month or so, a grand one, with lots of food, and then dumped all those friends when they moved to California, while [ ] kept all of his, and she mooned over or two men in secret whom she met at her stupid, fucking, pointless, drumming class, which she did, explicitly, in her own, mind, to meet men, explicitly, Loraine, because she was bored while he was working. And he knew, because she would brightly, with a feigned naivete, which even your slutty friend, [ ], never tried, discuss their paddles. A paddle is what they drummed with, Loraine, so I am being a bit facetious, so, on again, the dinner now, again, the dinner now, again, so the food arrives, and it was Joey’s, and [ ] wasn’t there, so, kidding, so anyway, she makes up her mind to complain about the lobster bisque, which Loraine has tried, because she thought she would like lobster, but never had again, because it is disgusting, lobster bisque, is fundamentally gross, Loraine, it is fishy when boiled, as you now, yes, you do, pass, she eats lobster in Ontario because of [ ], who boiled it, and, though her oven, her oven, and she is a cook, has, pardon me, she uses the fucking stove top, is how she cooks, you fucking imbecile, not worked in a year in a half, used the oven herself, once he was gone, and liked it much better, much better, and didn’t even really hurt her hands, though he could make a fucking production over a ten minute steak, a fucking production, and then sit down and let her wash all the fucking, the fucking vegetables, you idiot, fucking dishes. The [ ]s are really, really, enjoying this, Loraine, because then, idiot [ ] adds, “and I must admit, sometimes she does look kind of pretty,” and he has, never, never, never, said, any such thing about any same age friends, fearing, fearing, and Loraine is no fool, [ ], no [ ], she knows the fear of woman, from a tiny, little imbecile in her own right, from the shelter who raised Loraine’s ire and her anxiety so much with her constant—.‘

‘Are you serious with this? You know this then? Men truly, truly, they fear women.’

‘She flirts all the time, [ ], as do you, you are a flirtatious little liar, and that is what you fucking well, are, you pretend to be from the fucking Walton’s, and all you are thinking about is dick, dick, dick, Loraine, right, his friends are so disgusted with her, she couldn’t get dick if her mouth was full, so guess who starts in their family, that’s right, it’s retribution time, Loraine, and he almost got beat up too, and yes, and they don’t know this, but [ ] did show up at Kits with a baseball bat, for one reason, he heard, he heard, Loraine, honestly, from an idiot at cadets, an idiot, jealous, slut like that other idiot, jealous, slut you know who shall remain nameless, that a girl, a girl, was planning to beat on you for this, Loraine, for being popular with men, with the cadets, without being a slut. “She’s a slut in secret,” she purportedly said, “And so she is going to take it for that too. She was scary, Loraine, a big, scary, idiot, and [ ] was prepared to hit a girl with a bat, for you, so thank him now please.’

‘Thank you, [ ].’

‘Were you scared?’

‘I wasn’t scared of you.’

‘She walked right on over, [ ], and I was swinging it, I was, it wasn’t in the fucking car, I was ready to defend this bitch, because months had gone by, Loraine, and I heard nothing of anything about her, and I had feelers out everywhere, I wanted her back, but it was over, the proverbial light went out of her eyes.’

‘Was there a light?’

‘Sometimes. The sneaking around, even at cadets, really bothered her, she was afraid of Hannon, for fraternization.’

‘Rightly so.’

‘Not so much with her because she had me, a sweet, singular, boyfriend, while he, he explained, had been tearing the militia off the cadet NCO’s, tearing, Loraine, when men pack, they will almost rape, you didn’t know that, did you?’

‘One will almost rape, of course she knows that, they studied, they heard about gang bang rapes in feminism, and that upset Loraine, while she didn’t fully, yet, understand that the gang bang itself was an her, orientation. [ ] wants to know how you turned his gay son, his formerly heterosexual son, who loved hockey, and ended up in art, back into a hockey loving fool again.

‘He’s going to join the team again, he is, I hugged him with tears in my eyes, he was so good, Loraine. How did this work do that, in your words.’

‘He recognized the gang bang as his orientation.’

‘What is this thing? Is he still gay, because he said he was, but then he started tearing off all of his gay clothes, and they were gay, Loraine, gay, as the ace of spades, and she was mad too, the harpy, I can’t leave her, she is useless, and she will get all my money, American law is a worse piece of shit than Canadian law.’

‘Why should I get less than half?’

‘Because you’ve done nothing. Nothing.’

‘So? Fuck that. I was stuck with you.’

‘Nothing. Case in point. Evil, Loraine, and now a zero, you didn’t know?’

‘We’ve chatted off and on for a year or so.’

‘Oh, that’s about how long.’

‘Oh.’

‘It’s a group of gay guys who group on one girl in a really degrading way, they do, and they love her as a husband loves a wife, but they have to do dirtier things than wives, even, and we know this, we do, because these are our fantasies.’

‘Do you still have a boyfriend?’

‘Yes, I do, and he is better. I got him right away, he missed me.’

‘But the clothes are gone. Same sex.’

‘We’re not going to homo out as much.’

‘We don’t. Without a woman, the men stick to, pardon the pun, about once a week or they feel too gay, and they, we, do prefer the presence of a woman most of the time, though there is freedom, and things do happen. We’re looking for more men first, we want at least five, in a house, and we are going to try and find a girl our age.’

‘Not a kid.’

‘Our age, [ ].’

‘Oh. Like a wife.’

‘Just like a wife. And she will, Loraine wants to stay home, and we want her to stay home.’

‘She is practically ready to retire, the way she is going.’

‘I don’t, I didn’t, want to lose my money, either, [ ],’ [ ] says. ‘Sugar daddy, once upon a time, yes, I was cheating, but I was open, visible, I mean.’

‘Running around?’

‘Taking out my girl, Loraine.’

‘Did I see you in Joey’s once? I hid. Business meeting?’

‘Perhaps, we were there several times.’

‘Not hiding, my wife is known as a tennis star at the club, and I am an, ardent, even, Loraine, tennis player, and a thirty year monogamist, who was tired of being left out, at the least, if not fully recognizing my rights as a husband. Seriously. I love Loraine immensely, and more and more, but she has started up again, and I believe that [ ]’s will too, we are too different, and that is that. I am devoted, a devoted, old, fool, a true monogamist, I believe now, and Loraine candidly assured me that we were wrong, wrong, wrong, for each other, all the while promising me that if I left my wife, I would find a wonderful woman. And I almost have, Loraine, I have laid eyes on a woman and she doesn’t sparkle, and nor do I, we are so serious about this meeting, we have met, and it was a fucking interview like no tomorrow, like no tomorrow, so you will be proud about this, because I said, “I know this has been hard, I realize this, but,” and I just said it, I just said, “but I really, really, really,” and we are outside at this point, at me the consummate idiot, let’s call it, has already bought the first, entire, Loraine, meal, and she says, “May I please interrupt you for a sec? Because I am afraid you are going to hurt me, and I would really, really,” and we both laughed, Loraine, and I said, “I shall continue then, I really, really, really, don’t want my next wife to be a slut, like this one is. I don’t. I have had enough. I want monogamy. I was perfect for thirty years, thirty, fucking years.” “Me too, [ ],” she says. “Say no more, I caved too, after twenty five years of near perfect service and devotion.” “Near perfect,” I said, “Because I want, fucking perfect.” “When I say near perfect, [ ], I mean I failed to make love a few times.” I laughed out loud, Loraine, and you know my joyful laugh, you know it well, yes, to answer your question, she brought me joy often often, often, and I laughed out loud with her many, many, times, and she still, etherwise, describes me as the best thing that ever happened to her, and though she resisted my love, told even me that she was forced to accept my love, I would not leave her, and that was that, she left me, for Ontario, to escape the police, I asked her for marriage, yes, I knew, yes, I believed, but my children at least, grown, I’m seventy two, handsome still, she is a little younger, Loraine, but not much, and she said, and I quote, “My husband is, was, we are breaking up, I told him I was going on a date today.” “Oh really? That spices things up a bit, I thought it was a roof, or something, I met her at the tennis club, just as you predicted I would. I don’t know her. People move around. And she says, “I had been at that tennis club exactly one day when I laid eyes on you, and I have to say, you have surprised me.” “I have to tell you, my thirty years were perfect, but my next six were fraught with unrequited, somewhat unrequited.” “A polygamist?” “A polygamist exactly, a prostitute I am almost ashamed to say, but I realize now that she was so settled by my company, that despite a few, and I mean a few, dates, with black men actually, and a mostly useless, pardon my judgement, prison—“ “Oh, useless to her, reformed.” “Yes, actually, but troubled, suicidal. I bought her a runabout and she would visit him and we had three satisfying years, and several fun moments before that.” “So she was peaceful for you.” “Honest as the day is long, she gave me one little spot and said, “I think it was me, [ ], and that was the extent of her “cheating”, and I used the air quotes, she was doubtful. “You trusted her, really?” “No, but, I have come to God recently, and he tells me that I was sorely, sorely, sorely mistaken when it came to her, but he forgives, and she forgave, daily, my misgivings,” and I misted up a little, “I’m a bit of a baby, I confess, and she soothed me immensely, my dealings with my wife, she knew when to keep quiet and just be quiet, instead of this constant cover up of another life.” She didn’t laugh, Loraine, she didn’t. No, she did not. She took my hand, and she said, “So you will be ready for what I have to tell you, we are attracted to each other, I feel, it was instantaneous hard on for me, and I know I am pretty.” “She is, Loraine, finally a woman pretty enough for me,” and Loraine saw her in her mind’s eye, so I started to look, “the psychic connection between people,” struck me, Loraine, and that is exactly where I went with it, that I was, I’m a devoted, old bastard, and I went right to what people need from me, as did Loraine. “What did she mean?” She meant the fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, and I don’t swear, I am in business, I have a little roofing business, learned from my [ ], taught my [ ], and they are awesome, Loraine, and--.’ “Who is this fucking guy, Loraine, a little, handsome, roofer?” says [ ]. I need a new roof. Is this the handsome man whom the [ ] referenced in the office? You’re crying for him, you truly love him, you want the best for him, those are happy tears. Why? What did he do that was so great when you were going down?” “We visited three times a week, why does she love you, she would never shed a tear over her own family, she loves, she loves, she loves, this guy.” “Try and summarize, Loraine, and let’s move on.” “You try and summarize, Lord.” “You are being impertinent. I am teasing her, you don’t you do not sum up [ ], he is a perfect man, perfect, and, you forget, Loraine, why you loved, and love him so much, but he came up a perfect ten.” “Oh, I see,” says [ ]. “Ten love.” “Funny, [ ]. We are not tens. We are eights, me and [ ], and my [ ] is a nine. We are good.” “Awesome.” “We hated our little, we don’t know what it is called either, funeral chat, we summed it up as, we loved our [ ], but we were so excited about the money, we wished we knew after, but he did that on purpose, he was crafty.” “If it’s any comfort, my father was ecstatic when his father died.” “I was. I was, point of face, ridiculously happy, because I was tired of visiting him and I wanted the money.” “He was, is his last days, difficult, Loraine, as you no doubt heard and were scared to return.” “True. Sorry.” “You felt bad.” “Quite, very, bad.” “[ ] will sabotage.” “Yes,” says Patrick Crean in heaven, “she waited until I was in a coma to tell Loraine to fly home, and that is what she did, and, though it was a rude surprise, she knew, she knew, she knew, that she had done it on purpose, and I had confirmation of that from God, confirmation, don’t even ask her, she fucking well knew her bitch [ ] had done it on purpose. And she did. She did. So that’s that.” “So,” [ ], “let’s go on,” says God. “Let’s do, [ ], Loraine must sleep, she has been awake two days on speed.” “Oh, sorry, drug addict, I shall continue, and let you sleep, don’t go back, just listen, and look, and this is what she says about her prettiness, Loraine, she was self effacing, but she knew that I had noticed her immediately, so she says, not coyly, “Do you honestly, honestly, honestly, think I’m pretty enough for you for marriage, because I hate to date.” “And I laughed again. “Not to go on about her, because I am good, and she is okay, I see her Dad around.” “Oh, you do.” “She had a terrible, fucking, life, terrible, fucking, fucking, fucking, and I promise to stop crying and swearing when you marry me--.” And she laughs again, a huge, fucking guffaw, “Well, we are transparent,” she says, shyly. “I told myself that I deserved to find someone before being alone, and I am not alone, I want you to know that.” “Nor am I and although, she suggested otherwise, I felt strongly about that, and she ultimately, she always supported me.” “This woman is very important to you.” “Is there someone like that for you? I ask, a bit jealous.” “No one, absolutely no one, and, like your description of your wife, we were severely wrongly matched in terms of poly, no, [ ], this was new, a new concept, and he fell into it immediately, while I knew it wasn’t me, I had no desires whatsoever, except for him, and I am not obsessed with him.” “That’s what I was wondering, because she had an important lover once, and she cried a lot, which hurt.” “I have not cried in years, [ ], years, there is no pain, he does what he wants, we sometimes have a drink, we haven’t had sex in eight months and I am ready to move on.” “I feel such a man compared to you.” “I want that,” she says. “It pleases me that you found some love in the face of the cheating, he was horrible to me with lovers, insofar as they were always more adored, more loved, than I, but he never, never, to the best of my knowledge, cheated.” “Did that make it worse?” “Absolutely not, [ ], everyone knows now, therapists all agree—.” “I don’t do therapy, I just cry, and paint a room.” And she laughs again. “You really help your kids, that is around the club already the cohesion in your family.” “I see your question and I’m ready, my little—“ “Little? How young? Should I be worried, even she saw an older wife for me.” “I can’t believe this. A little voice told me to join that tennis club and I have been living in Vancouver for seventeen years. Who is this fantastic woman? She saw me, in ESP, like?” “Just the other day, we were talking—“ “Should I be worried?” “Would you want a man like me to say such a thing is over? Was over? She was good to me, unlike my wife, and I will always, always love her for it, and, I haven’t mentioned, I did, three times, ask her for marriage.” “And she said, no, too poly, good woman. This reassures me, [ ], it does, I wouldn’t want a careless, man. Was she ever, ever, ever careless to you? No? How do you know?” “God.” “Oh, God, so, and she twinkles up, God is a part of this, God, even, and I am, also now, a deeply religious woman, and I am not a pain in the ass at all, we don’t even have to go to church.” “I wouldn’t mind. I honestly wouldn’t mind. I don’t want to be all churchy, though, I would probably start donating to the choir and I have my hands full with children, which, brings us to, and I kind of hope it is a yes.” “One, devoted, daughter, who lives in [ ]—“ “Oh no.” “You are hilarious, [ ], I am seriously killing myself here. I have to ask, because, I must admit, I don’t care much about your nefarious, and she says my word, remember my word?” “Circumspect.” “And I knew I was using it wrong, and I finally looked it up, but it sounds like what it’s not, so I fucked up. She says circumspect, and, by now, I know she is using it wrong, so I say that she is using it wrong, and she says, “You are fucking right, I always do that with circumspect too, suffice to say, wife, I hate cheaters, [ ], and I respect my husband for that at least, though there were surprises.” “Oh,” I say. “Blow jobs on men, for example, a little shocking when you are still making love.” “I am so monogamous, my mother was a good woman, she got around a little—“ “On your dad.” “They split, and mother, my beloved mother raised us, my sister, deceased, older, cancer.” “Do you want to go back inside?” “And I am so cynical about money and laziness, as I was with you, but Loraine is not lazy, she got in shape for the wedding, Loraine, because her stupid, idiot, new, boyfriend was there, and then gleamed at him the whole time, it was disgusting, Loraine was always curious about men, even my [ ]s, but never gleeful, and disgusting, because I would, in my inimitable way, reign her in, and she was fine with that, I wasn’t compromising her spirit, I was caring for her.” “Oh, I see.” “She didn’t balk and protest?” “I asked little, but so did she, I realize now, honestly, there is no one, no one, no one, on her side, no one, and I felt there was little I could do.” “Was she asking for the moon?” “She asked nothing and was grateful for a cup of fucking coffee.” “Will you be able to get over this woman? When was this? Yesterday, or something, where is she, all jealous,” she says. “And I am loving this, because I hate people who won’t admit to jealousy.” “Does Loraine?” “She didn’t need to, I never made her jealous. Were you jealous of those gross, rude, Chinese Japanese girls, I formerly lauded after they short changed my girlfriend, because you said, “I doubt it,” quite sourly, “when I said she would be impressed, their eyes were shining at me, and dead when my girlfriend arrived, dead, 50 Cent, they hated her, hated her, and gave her nothing for a hundred and fifty bucks, each for about thirty five minutes.” “You’re funny, [ ], they’re shysters, those travelling girls.” “She told us about them and how frustrated she was, she would have been fine, she, I would, to interrupt, feel very cynical about your positivity where her bisexuality was concerned, I would argue.” “Oh, I thought she was sour which wasn’t like her.” “He’s right. I really expected no whore to impress me, and that was it, I never saw an impressive whore in my life.” “Never?” “Even at the parlour.” “You would be it, Amanda.” “It?” “What about [ ]?” “She was too sad. She was perishing in there, fucking perishing.” “As were you.” “Give me a break, Amanda, she lasted about three months.” “I know, we all, all, all, all, fucking hated the competition, Loraine was right in her book, and competition was it and the parlour was the worst of it, for women, over pussy, face, and money.” “Exactly that,”says 50 Cent. “Independents are a fucking sweet, sweet, relief after those places. When you get up the guts, kidding, girls. So, please, go on, [ ].” “She wondered, she’s a teacher, Loraine, in Whistler, and she was laughing, and laughing over that. But then she sobers up, and she says, I really want to know what I should worry about with this woman, this almost girl?” “No, in her forties.” “That’s okay. She was so cool, that you made an exception, because I believe in age—“ “Her boyfriend, her latest—“ “The wife now, your tone changes, your demeanor, everything,” she is shocked, shocked, Loraine. “And she says, I really fucking like you, you are really, really something, and so am I, I will have you know. I am a ten with God. That is what I am. That is what I am. What are you? I have been with God since twenty nine.” “I am glad we are broaching this,” still standing outside, and, you know me, it is getting a bit cold, so I suggest a coffee. “And she says, yes, absolutely, only I’m buying.” “No, I’m buying, because I’m very impressed with you, and—“ “Are you?” she says, completely unflirtatiously, “because around then I lose them, I lose them, but I suspect you are truly with God.” “You are as banal, no, wrong, my English is nothing to write home about.” “I hope I not banal.” “Bold faced as my girlfriend.” “Why do you say girlfriend instead hooker, whore or mistress? Because he did that, and it didn’t bother me, nor impress me as his wife, as a tool of distance.” “Did you just say “tool of distance? And this is what we are getting to, Loraine, because I say, “Did you just read a book called Bros Before Hos The Equality Apocalypse?” “Why yes, oh no, why? Did you hate it, as a man or something I can’t fathom, because, as a submissive, and caring, and loving, and faithful woman, I was very impressed with her.” “And now you know why I can’t shake her? She laughs, Loraine.” “The girlfriend? We are going to have to send a donation, and I think I might, I honestly think I might, my husband wouldn’t read it, didn’t trust me as a monogamist, he thought it would hurt his polygamy, which kind of disgusted me, that he didn’t even trust me after all these years, I’ve never recommended a book, any book, let alone a weird, poly supportive, .pdf file from the internet. So we know her. Oh, [ ], I think I’m having feelings for you, weird and wonderful feelings, I can hardly believe this, and I am not as old as you, I look young but I am sixty six, and I think we are wonderfully suited.” “She always thought she was pretty, Loraine, she did, and she was the entire time, bolstering her ego with--.” “Dick, is the word,” says God. “Dick will do it. It will. Do too many and you think the sun shines out of the moon of your asshole. I do not joke, and I’m God, and I can be funny, but women must recognize when dick is just dick, it does not reflect the perfection of their existence. Women are men are both indiscriminate.” “That’s what I thought, but then when I went to my first whore, I thought I must be dreaming she impressed me so much, [ ]—“ “You were impressed with the Chinese, Japanese, suitcases?” “Galore.” “Rush in, rush out, get everyone, and don’t stick around to deal with lax returns, they are so lame, if they have a good day with coke, everyone is all smiles, but a bad day with girls is like a cloudy day at the beach, and that’s what Loraine, got, because she was cute, I’ll bet, and they were jealous.” “She was cute with her older suitor, not some haggard, old, bag, like that one on my website. It’s an ad, and a tacky, better, tacky one.” “We might, and I say, we, Loraine, because we went for coffee and it was like old home week, and I know, I know, you are happy for me, you would have been saddled with me, I see that, I saw it then, but I want to thank you and the book for one thing “the psychic connection between people” because I realized—“ “Did you get that from me, Loraine?” asks Sharon Driscoll, “anything of this brilliance?” “No, she did not, she got dignity, which didn’t make it into the book because it was too obvious and not obvious enough, like 50 Cent, the spoken word is not all Loraine believes in, despite her disappointment with it, she actually has tremendous psychic powers, tremendous powers, you can spot an other denigrating, selfish, asshole, about a mile away, you can, and when you put words in their mouth, the words on their lips, into the air, they fucken nearly die, Loraine, they nearly die of shock, and it happened to your blond friend [ ] so many times with you and others, that she finally just stopped being cynical around you, because it was boring and predictable, you were never shocked, you were always ready for whatever, gross, idiotic, asshole, passed your way, often, Loraine, so often, Loraine, and you know this, and despite your baby admonition of [ ], who doesn’t want his real name used, because he does want his real name used, so use, it, honestly, Cazzy, “She told me that if I didn’t say things out loud, nobody would know what I was thinking, and, though, because of my Mom, she is weird and cool and troublesome and noisy, but she is better than ever, better than ever, with her close swingers club, and they don’t care, they like a lot of variety, and they will meet new swingers in Australia, where they are going to live in a few years when her new husband’s contract has ended.” “Homely, would be better than ugly, Amanda, better, he is not ugly, and he does love you so, so please don’t denigrate her.” “You couldn’t give her that.” “I wouldn’t want her to and she didn’t really want to either, she needed an erstwhile—“ “A once in a while girlfriend, not a live in, as is evidenced by, but she truly didn’t know, she truly didn’t, I doubt most women—“ “Wrong,” says God. “Many do, Amanda, and Loraine was definitely not one, but nor does she fantasize, abandonment, you are right, Loraine, about anyone she knows, ever. [ ], three times it was, Loraine, over a, a single come shot, which was unrepeatable because he didn’t like it.” “Are you serious? You like that shit? I do not, I do not, I do not do come shots.” “Neither, really, does she, Amanda, she wants you to use her real name, Loraine, and so does her son, they are both writers of a sort, Cazzy professionally, and Amanda on Facebook, and she does it, she does it, she reveals herself, though you find her boring. I find her boring, not on the blog though, we all, the old friends, and even [ ] has seen it, though he was hurt by the relentless nothingness of the stalking, they couldn’t fathom your rage, Loraine, and thought you would eventually call or something.” “Call fucking who?” says God. “The idiot who used her, or his idiot friend, or the idiot who was screaming, or the police maybe, or the bird calls, or the fucking fire department.” “The joke was that, every time there was a marked car, it was Loraine who had called them, because she admitted to calling cops on her own father.” “Who uttered a fucking death threat, you idiot, after she had been tortured relentlessly by [ ], her equally idiotic, lying and cheating transsexual, who had to be woman, just had to be a woman, though she knew, and she knew, Loraine, that she was buttering her bread on both sides with you, because you, idiot, brought her fucking flowers once, leave him, and then bodily removed from the apartment for removing her ugly pictures from her own, her own, her own.” “It was my house.” “This is what I wanted to get to [ ], and that is what made you the man. Not a fucking woman, a fucking controlling, piece of shit, asshole of a man, who virtually, virtually forced, you into sleeping in her fucking bed, when you wanted to sleep on her precious fucking couch which couldn’t even be covered with a clean sheet.” “Why was she there anyways—“ “Anyways, Amanda, is that what your “voice coach” taught you?” “Fuck you have idiotic friends, Loraine.” “Loraine has no one, 50 Cent, ever do not, do not, do not, accuse this woman of mistaking these idiots for friends, she is not, that, fucking, stupid, Amanda was an idiot she slept with twice when she thought she was a nice, married, woman.” “And she was a nice, whore.” “She wasn’t a whore, you imbecile, she had slept with fewer people than you had stroked with your right hand, and that hand was busy, Loraine, those tits and that hand were well employed at school, and your little, fun loving [ ] paid the price for that, yes, he did, yes, he did, almost got beat up himself, yes, he fucking well did.” “So [ ] throws her out, invites her back in, and Loraine starts packing, and sets to—“ “Because she was evicted for prostitution while giving hand jobs, Amanda.” “Fuck you, God. You didn’t say you were going to make me look bad in front of my new husband.” “He is not even her husband. They are engaged. And, he, if things go according to plan—“ “I’m going to marry you right away, Loraine, like your old friend [ ], and his new wife to be, and the significant others, I’m going to help him along, because he, kidding [ ], can drag out a story, have already been advised, and his wife’s nice, little, life of cheating, debauchery, and nothing, no cleaning certainly, no cooking hardly—“ “Honestly, [ ], those soups were her sister’s and her mother’s, just spell it out, she deserves it, the impact on my business has been tremendous, and, there was more than one thing, much more, and we might, we might, we might, send you a small donation when we get married, not only for the book, but for the blog, because we—“ “You don’t need to, [ ], honestly, Loraine is right, you and your new wife are the last people who should be sending money to her, the honestly fucking last, don’t get over her, just enjoy your new life and the comfort the book brings, do it, [ ].” “But she needs me.” “She is more worried about the shit you will have to give your wife, [ ], and it will be bad, as would the dish for [ ].” “Fuck [ ], he is a pussy, and he will never leave me.” “Tell me about this woman, Loraine.” “Cute as a fucking button, you know what her pathetic attitude, her constant nagging, don’t brush your teeth in the sink, your nudity bothers me, relentlessly on these two things, God? Honestly, the bitch, never, never, never, never, [ ], shut the fuck up, she never did, and I saw her bloody, cute little perfect tits but my nudity, while changing, slowly, fuck her, it’s my bedroom too, if I need to dry the fuck off or something, and she would race down to the desk and report me for shit, I have no fucking idea, I wasn’t asking, my anxiety, yes, earned her in prostitution, prostitution with her stuck up bullshit?” “What?” “God wants it, because he told her, fifteen thousand dollars per, wrong, month, per year, [ ], Loraine was twice as ugly, fatter, and making three times as much, she was a dogged, fucking idiot who got a bedroom for her trouble, which she is still in by the way, and they won’t let her work there, so she is now surviving, Loraine, on cigarette butts, seriously, it is a cruel, fucking world, but, I don’t care who you are, even a social worker does not condone restrictions around tooth brushing in communal sinks. The toilets were in there.” “The baths.” “They were fucking full sometimes.” “Loraine, and she had good, several, actually, roommates, good ones, that got along okay with, but, Loraine, honestly, thought she would actually either bust a nut with this bitch, she was fucking cute, and she didn’t wash, and she would come back from the shower smelling like hay, hay, not fucking soap, she would damp herself, and not wash her stupid crotch, which Loraine didn’t notice at all, though she had it out, plenty, in revenge, preening herself in front of Loraine. What do you even fucking mean was it a bisexual thing, the thing was an idiot like your idiot, preening, bitching, harping, constantly, until Loraine thought she would either bust a nut, or have a fucking heart attack.” “Have a fucking heart attack?” “Because I know this feeling, Loraine, and I couldn’t believe you knew the fear of women.” “This, and she knew this particular woman would someday make her relatable to men, because she recognized as a male, a male, a male, fear of women and, when she spoke of her, once, to someone, I don’t remember who, and you did, Loraine, no, not to staff, Loraine got a reputation as an exemplary tenant, and then, when they had enough of that, a big, massive, bitch of an accountant, went right into her, now private room, which they thought they would try and screw her with a pissy, shitty, vomity, no really, [ ], room, where the sun damage was remarkable—‘

‘That’s right, Mister five billion, forty degrees it was, Loraine, forty, and do you think they didn’t realize that without the curtains, no curtains, bird’s eye view from two busy restaurants—“ “What did she do?” “What did she do? She got naked, hung a fucking blanket and drank some beer. She shoved, violently shoved a piece of furniture, next to the bed, so close to the bed, that it could be constituted as an attempted assault, truly, [ ], you think I lie, those bitches, all of them, hated Loraine, because everyone bitched, about everyone, except Loraine, nobody, and I mean nobody, had anything hard and fast against Loraine, and the bitches were raping each other for space, Loraine, raping for anything resembling a chair or a couch or a bed which didn’t reek of old sheets, or shit, or hair, or vomit or contained someone’s food, or whatever. God decrees that that shelter, unlike the men’s, Loraine, was a fucking, a fucking, a fucking, health hazard, yes, it was, yes, it was, yes, it was, I want you to go to bed for two hours, Loraine, please, I was kidding, we will finish. Honestly, you are a trooper, and you don’t know it but you are helping people you are.’

‘So, on we go, and we apologize now, for the poor punctuation, but, Loraine, and you are exhausted, and now have another, maybe, appointment, because no showed last time, no showed, kidding, [ ], that is part of business, though Loraine does get piqued a little when it is, rarely, repetitive.’ ‘How piqued? Does she yell?’ ‘Oh my God, you are damaged goods, [ ], Loraine doesn’t how to yell, she doesn’t, she doesn’t, she doesn’t, she doesn’t.

‘“This is why, I would wager a bet that the men, the mechanics—“ “Why is it always the men with you?” she said, vehemently. “Why? Why? Why? You are fucked, all of you, fucked, and this is why, they are [ ]’s workers, they are not any kind of men, and you would do well, the both of you, to keep some distance from them, because now we are millionaires, millionaires, my husband, I believe, is already a millionaire,” and they tried not to laugh, Loraine, and their eyes flicked because they become adept and communicating with a flick of an eye, an upturn, and that is it, because any kind of head turn would elicit the following, “Fuck you for looking at each other behind my back, fuck the two of you, fuck the two of you, fuck the two of you, fuck the two of you, fuck the pair of you, and your fucking illicit bullshit.” And they would laugh, because, you are, no doubt, aware, Loraine, no doubt, that illicit is sexual, exclusively, which even [ ] knew, as she asked your [ ], “Is she doing anything illicit?” And was lied to, was lied to, which, as a point to the listener, disgusted you because, precisely because she was having trouble with senility, which is a lie of old people, Loraine, who would rather listen to the ether, and die, than listen to their idiot children.” “Are serious, Loraine?” “She made you recant it.” “Yes.” “Don’t tell [ ] something like that.” “Yes.” “Angrily?” “In all seriousness, without explanation.” “And it, I’m sorry but I loved my [ ], she was gentle like me, though I’m big, and a submissive woman, and was nothing if willful, nothing, Loraine, she and [ ] had important talks, money talks, all the time, and we had turned to each other for nothing if not to laugh over [ ], so when I heard from [ ] that you’re face had clouded, and you had had to lie, I was disgusted for you, because we knew you had a nice kinship with [ ], and we never saw ‘Tiny,’ your little poem, but we’ve heard you recite it on the ether, nice, Loraine, a pretty ‘fuck you, [ ],’ which this, also is, Loraine, well done, and good job on [ ], she always wanted to be famous.”’

‘So the story goes on and Loraine is struggling with punctuation and exhaustion. Exhaustion from no sleep, on speed, for two days now, except a little lie, yes, and she knows it’s foolhardy, but she still does it, because she loves to work for me now.’

‘”This is what I have to say about men,” and she spits it, spits it, spits it, and again, the flick of the eye, “they are selfish and disgusting with no--” kidding, Loraine, she did not say that, Loraine, she said, nope, not that either, she said, “They love my pussy,” Loraine, “they love it, they fucking, well, love it,” Loraine. “And I am hot, yes, I am, and I’m pretty.” “Is she pretty?” says 50 Cent. “She’s a solid six, 50 Cent.” “Oh. From birth?” “Loraine was prettier from birth, and she has no such delusions about a wet pussy, none, nor her own face, which frankly, men feel, despite the nose, Loraine, and said as much, is prettier still than hers. Really, Loraine, really, Loraine. We will just get through this dinner. And then you will lie down till your next appointment, your hair will be fine, wet now, and, I know you wonder why I am doing you with copious detail, and this is why, because, now, finally, [ ] wants to know why you are doing her, and we are going to answer that now, now, Loraine, not.”’

‘Going on, “[ ] says to [ ] next, “I love my dick, too, and so does my wife.” And [ ] laughs, “really? Because my wife doesn’t always like mine, sometimes it’s too persistent, and she gets tired.” “Did Loraine think I was weird for telling her that my wife wouldn’t give me a blow job?” “Your current wife?” [ ] wants to know. “No, my first wife, who cheated by the way.” “Are you serious? And my wife is asking, so I’m lucky, and waiting, sorry wifey, patiently.” Sighs. “It’s okay, honey, go get that blow job, please, please, please, please, do it next time you are in Ottawa, go to your sister, joking, of course.” “Don’t be gross. I will, wifey, I will, wifey, I will for sure, I have somebody in mind already whom the men say is good, not great, but decent, and kind.” “Why not great? Go to somebody great.” “Really?” “Really, silly, I get [ ], after all, and I will let him penetrate me, [ ], it is the only eroticism in it with a condom, it is.” “I see, wifey. I will then. There is another woman who is really good, and loves it, even safely, and that’s what I would have. I’m good, Loraine, I’m hard like [ ], I am, and I’m not confident, but I’m not a loser.” “And so, dovetail, this is where it goes now. “You two, are monogamous, as am I, but I was busy in high school, busy in high school, the men, and they were men,” and they try not to laugh again, seriously, Loraine, because it will erupt in a restaurant and they know this, they know this, she has had tantrums, on the family dinner, and walked out with nowhere to go but back home, and her [ ]s were there, there, Loraine, without their [ ] around suddenly, and wondering, and [ ] himself wondered, at five, is she actually going to storm around when she returns, like she does at home? Around [ ] [ ] and [ ] [ ]? Because [ ] stopped going home, Loraine, and she didn’t even have the presence of mind to wonder why. He wanted to watch some hockey without her fighting—“ “That’s what Amanda would do too, Loraine, not walk around naked but walk in front of the TV, fighting,” says [ ]. “And I just, since we are here, want to thank you for breaking up my marriage because I am happier, much happier, and thank you for laughing at “Whose fault is that?” because my son is funny with me, and we love each other so much more now. She used to rail at me for sitting with him, and doing things, like colouring, saying I was lazy and shit, seriously, Loraine, these sluts got so big for their britches with dick, as God says, that there was no room left for vagina. Seriously. And that’s my own. You can use it.” “Very well said, [ ], very well, said,” says my brother. “And thank you for being in touch with him, now he realizes that you loved him for real as a child, because you take a minute to think about him now.” “Thanks, [ ].” “Did it hurt?” “It coloured her view of mothers, losing Cazzy, yes, it did, she thought of him as a lost, associated, child, a friend, more than she thought of Amanda, more Amanda, you gave her nothing, nothing, nothing.” “I gave her my men.” “They left you for her because, save [ ], she was better. She didn’t lie, she didn’t cheat.” “She had no one to cheat on.” “Okay, Amanda, whatever it is you think you had with [ ], you didn’t have, you didn’t have, he used you, you idiot, Loraine was his girlfriend, and he was, for a short time, more in love with her than he ever was with you, he knew you, don’t forget, and he was disgusted, disgusted, disgusted—“ “Why did he screw me then? For fun? For idiocy? For love, that’s what we had, love, and Loraine saw it and she was so jealous.” “You’re deluded, Amanda, it was, at best, poignant for her—“ “That look, that crestfallen look was poignancy. You forget that Loraine took that picture, Amanda, you forget that she was wielding a camera and a phone. And it is a glorious picture, she is good, you will like her photos of the family,” says God. “Really?” says 50 Cent. “Really?” he says. “What, what on earth does she do right?” “Candids.” “She sent some to us once and we were devastated by her take on our family, she made us look loving, and giving, and full of life, seriously, we couldn’t fucking believe it, and at first [ ] was confused, because he didn’t understand why little Loraine was tying up his email with so many pictures.” “Laughs. You sent them to his work?” “That was our email.” And they were so good, all of them, after an hour, Loraine, and he didn’t care, he opened one and got curious, thinking they would be of you somehow, but they were all of us, and they weren’t like that garbage her [ ] takes where she lines everyone up to grandstand, we hardly, hardly, hardly, even noticed she was taking them. And [ ] still uses that picture on her Facebook, Loraine, it was radiant, a somewhat lesbian, our bisexual Loraine enjoyed her.” “Oh, I see. I hope she enjoys my lesbians.” “Funny, 50 Cent.” “This is what I thought,” says [ ], “after an hour of sending and receiving, and she had shaw, and it worked, it didn’t get stuck, and the camera was not high resolution, I thought, this crazy bitch loves us more than her own [ ] does. More. The pictures are about her being the center, your pictures were about us being the center, we have sunny parties in the yard a lot, Loraine, and they were the nicest addition to a party, that anyone had ever given me, honestly, a few drunken line ups, later—“ “Enough.” “One more thing.” She included no pictures, I noticed, of either her [ ] or herself. None. We could have held the camera, she was giving us a gift of her perception. It was so cool. And I am a seven billion too, Loraine, and [ ] is a six billion, and so is my wife, and so is my daughter.” “Wow.” “What are you?” “Brain dead,” says God. “She is. Her [ ] killed her brain cells.” “Originally.” “A four billion, and, it is not unusual for high intellectuals—“ “He laughs, the highest intellectual you were going to say, the top one percent, are you fucking kidding me, because that is what I saw in those pictures, a high, high, intellectual, and there are a lot of fucking pictures on construction sites, a lot of fucking pictures, for fun and liability. I laughed about your client with the stiff back, and that it was concrete, Loraine. That is concrete, Loraine, and the dusty, stuck on boots.” “Not too stuck on, she was confused, but I lied, and now I can’t take it back, we are doing concrete for the embassy, and that’s why I described some stupid shit that she would never know, baby idiot. My stiff back alright, in your pussy, Loraine, she liked it, she did.” “Really? Kidding, Loraine. They are cool with hos, construction workers, they are, they go, they’re nice, they smell nice, and that’s it, was he a trucker today?” “Yes.” “So things are improving? I see that they are. You will miss them with your large penises.” “She will have mine and Game’s,” says Eminem. “She is utterly exhausted and I want a lie down before this nefarious appointment, God. But I want to ask, [ ] [ ], how on earth do you see intellectualism in photos?” “Because ours were technical, I saw the framing right away, and she jiggles it, it is not perfection like [ ]’s, with a horrific imbalance of people, horrific, Loraine, and they are just standing there, struggling to smile because, and I know this, Loraine, and I know that you know this too, you do, because you have been saddled with these pictures, ugly pictures all, I will say, and we take two pictures a year, Loraine, of the kids, all of them, to mark it, and that is it. Your beer will run out, and you will be sad, and it is Sunday, your hair looks pretty, Loraine, are you sure you don’t want to go to the LCBO? I work in Ontario sometimes, but I do not, I do not, I do not, know what I would talk about with you, I don’t.” “She would be fine, [ ], but don’t, she is unused to be assailed by family, and she is fine, fine, fine, on her own, seriously, what she needs is her own family, as her [ ] once said. And she almost welled up, but fortunately not, because her mother was there, you don’t remember the tears, Loraine, but I do, yes, 50 Cent, she said it, yes, she remembers it, yes, she fucking well does.” “Oh, I see.” “Don’t bug, 50 Cent, she’s not that stupid, she remembers a few things.’

‘”Loraine? I want to finish the dinner talk, the highlights, so let’s go, [ ] [ ] really does want to say this, “Loraine, we noticed your love on that day, it was throughout the photos, and, not to embarrass you, we never mentioned the sexual quality—“ “50 Cent laughs. “Oh that embarrassed you too, when we said nothing, as though we saw and were embarrassed ourselves, so it was worse.” “She got over it. Nobody says boo to Loraine.” “I understand that, I do, she is daunting with her eyes, and her observations, and, though [ ] hates his jaw in that picture, he likes the picture, because you caught him thinking about stuff from work, and his face is cross a bit, not angry, but vexed. He was working on something, Loraine. And it showed, so he likes it.” “The palate stretching surgery will help him immensely, and it will, [ ], do it, go to New York, he does ten a day, for people with wisdom teeth pulled, and jaw fractures. You will be eating steak again, steak, Loraine, for a motherfucking working man, disgusting what happened there with their fragile egos and an ambitious dental surgeon, disgusting, seriously, as with you, desperate for money and recognition, they are not, not, not, fucking doctors, they are concrete artists, not surgeons, it is such fucking bullshit the title of doctor, I don’t care if their schooling is long, they do not know what true doctors know, they don’t, they fucking well don’t, and that’s it.”

‘“Let’s move on, Loraine. “My pussy,” again with this, “is not wet, but it is hot, the yeast has been tragic for me, as a woman, as a lover, as a wife, it is like sandpaper, and, to her credit, she was honest, about that, but that is all she gets credit for, because it goes on, Loraine, and go on it does. “My pussy is so hot, that men, in school—“ “In school again?” they were thinking. “She’s the Jane Goodall of school, she did every gorilla in the yard, or something,” thinks [ ]. “He does, Loraine, and [ ] was good looking, and he did fucking hear about it, yes, he did, in great, and grave, detail. “—were lining up, virtually lining up to have at ‘er, and she laughs, Loraine. She laughs, Loraine. I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t keep my pants up, and sure, I caught diseases, yes, I did, yes, I did, they couldn’t wait to give me diseases so they could smell me, and fuck me some more.” Seriously, Loraine, and the lobster bisque is gone, half eaten, and the fucking dinner conversation is getting so low, that they are looking around, and it is then that they notice that someone has heard, a man, and he is laughing, laughing, Loraine, at them, because he is a fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, customer, a fucking customer, Loraine, and this is what they said, Loraine, “Quiet down, [ ], the staff in the kitchen can here you.” “Fuck them,” she said, more loudly. And [ ], her [ ] was disgusted, disgusted, that she was still talking about this shit, disgusted, when he heard, and he simply said, “I’m watching, hockey, gotta run, and he especially enjoyed the tirade about being stuck with his cigarette breath. I want him to leave her, Loraine, he is a ten, and always has been, always, and, dummy, they are, they married an evil, because, guess what she had said to him, “I will suck your cock every day,” and then proceeded to do the exact opposite. She lays down, lies down, sorry, and spreads her precious folds, and gets a come load, and washes it up right away, right away, like that woman in the movie, and then snuggles in for a fourteen hour sleep, when [ ] has to get up in five hours, without light, because that doesn’t please her, Loraine hates the dark for people, [ ], you would do well to learn from her, next time you marry, get your own bedroom, seriously, fuck the horny poster you have had for fourteen years, Loraine, of marriage, which she grandstands to all their friends, saying, “This is representative of our sex life, it is always in flower, seriously, Loraine, you wouldn’t fucking believe this shit. You wouldn’t believe it. And he puts up with it, he does, because he is a fucking saint like you and [ ], a fucking saint, but he has anxiety like you wouldn’t believe, and he knows that fear, she would say, she said, honestly, I could squish her like a bug, it’s not that, she’s tiny, I feel like she is going to drive me fucking crazy. And that’s it, [ ], leave it, you’re an idiot for staying one more day, take the hit, and make lots of more money. Loraine is asleep, go, Loraine, nap, please, on your one beer, because Ontario liquor laws are archaic, they are, go, please, save and go lie down.”’

*************************************************************************************

‘Loraine was talking about the general disrespect men have of women, for everything, they do, I would argue, wouldn’t you, Loraine, that resembles the work of men, because, and I say this unequivocally, the do it badly, they do. And I am God, and I say that is it.’

‘What about intellectuals?’

‘Equals, men, and women, in intellect.’

‘I told Loraine that women have emotional intelligence, and they do, Loraine.’

‘Sharon Driscoll is right, she said, that, sorry,’ says God, ‘not me, and though, men, and even you Loraine, with your dubious hundred percent, called emotional intelligence an oxymoron. Funny, Loraine, but you were wrong that only morality, socialization, and language, were women’s strengths, because Sharon Driscoll is right.’

‘Use my name, Loraine. I can’t stand to be brackets when I’m smart. I’m all woman, I’m emotional intelligence, and nothing else.’

‘What is the difference between relatiation and socialization?’ asks [ ].

‘Socialization is a broad experience and relatiation is an interpersonal one. Get a beer, take a speed, and go to the computer, start fresh please. Yes, the cops shitted you, yes, they did. Move on. They will let you go to 50 Cent, they will, I’m still, still, still, working on that.’

‘They take away anxiety and people feel they help with depression.’

‘Do they slow the heart rate?’

‘They’re gasoline derivatives and they slow the heart rate,’ explains [ ]. Pharmaceuticals, not meth, which is not good, but not as bad as pharmaceuticals, as it will not instantly kill you but only rot your teeth, brush them softly, Loraine, it hurts the gums and causes recession. Go.’

*************************************************************************************

One percent of women are oriented to what Loraine is into, and that is why she gets all these men, and that is why, and that is it, it is not because she is the new messiah, that is her work for me, and she deserves it, it is true that not one person in the entire, fucking, world, has ever cried over Loraine, not fucking one, not one [ ], you were leaving them in your dust, Loraine never did that, never, she is the last to go, the last to go, the last to go, and, despite her careful little descriptions of her cheating, is not a cheater, she is not, most of her relationships, except two, the worst ones, by the way, Loraine, and that is from God himself, God himself says that the cheats happened at the bitter end of the two worst relationships. They deserved it, [ ], and—‘

‘I cheated too, Loraine.’

‘You cheated, you lied, and you came up from remorse and prayer, Loraine had no such problem, they fucking well knew they deserved it, and, in my eyes, in God’s eyes, they more than deserved it, yes, they fucking well did, and more on top of that, which she didn’t dish, no, she did not, she bailed, she bailed, she bailed when she couldn’t take anymore. He left her, to answer your question, and he might as well have he bailed so often, for his smelly, old, cigarette infested, dirt bag, cheater of a roommate, a bad, bad, example to all, Loraine, as a father, I’ll say first, and as a husband. When he went to hospital and [ ] saw that he was more loyal to his lapdog roommate, and he is, Loraine, sure he was going to pimp you to him, and you would have done it, and hated it, by the way, hated every minute of it, but he didn’t do that for you, he did it for his long suffering, bed buddy, and, I shit you not, they practically sleep together, and they are not even gay, they switch beds, they like the stink of each other so much, you can’t believe it, Loraine, but it is fucking, well, true, fucking, well, true. That night, [ ] knew perfectly well that the bed was disgusting, and he wanted you to see it, to revolt you, and that’s what he did, saying, and he fucking well said that [ ] just changed the sheets, my ass, he changed the sheets exactly one year prior, one fucking year, one year, Loraine, he just rests his smelly, filthy, ass in that bed, and smells himself, every fucking night, and [ ] even sleeps in it when he isn’t there, because he is a lonely, desperate, fuck, who refuses to, as you say, take responsibility for desire. And that’s it, [ ], that’s it, the sum total of Loraine’s ecstatically, as you see it, happy life. That is it. Bum fuck buddies who don’t even screw, that is what they are. And when [ ] realized this, and it, as yours, was a rude awakening, she bailed, and good for her, and she is not, she is not, she is not going back, so good for her.’

‘What did he do?’

‘He, instead of allowing his five year girlfriend who, by this time, he was practically living with her, and her father, I might add, her father, I might add, who actually liked him, and was grateful to him for taking his fat, attractive, daughter, to manage his affairs with a notary public and that form that Loraine, she can remember, power of attorney, passed off his meagre, and I mean it is meagre, fortune, to his bum idiot roommate, so the two of them can live happily forever, with no women, and no satisfaction of any kind. And yes, [ ], [ ] is a man who has lost two houses to women, yes, he is, but he got laid constantly, constantly, so they paid, rest assured, and he has done, nothing, nothing, nothing, to care for his children, even to the extent of telling them not to visit because he is too busy. He is an even bigger loser than your little lover, Loraine, and the erectile dysfunction was his fault too, because he knew that plate was too big for three men to manage, he knew, Loraine, he fucking well knew, but the pride was too great, and he broke his own fucking back stealing, yes, he did, like your other loser boyfriend who got his teeth bashed in for bashing in someone else’s teeth in a fucking bullshit, ten dollar robbery, Loraine. He got—‘

‘It’s called a ten dollar robbery, Loraine,’ says 50 Cent, ‘when you rob a grow op.’

‘Oh.’

‘Because they always get you back. Those bitches, and they are mean, the big ones, have cameras, hidden ones, a mile wide, and, just as you are settling into your crack, they bash in and fuck up your mouth, whether you fucked up their mouth or not, and God is saying, and my impression is that he told you himself.’

‘It’s like another language.’

‘You can’t believe it.’

‘Right.’

‘Why does she date losers?’

‘Vancouver, [ ], is full of fucking losers, full of them, men who wanted an easy coastal life with beaches and screwing, one year she hung out there, and she worked like a dog the entire time, even bringing fucking pate to her idiot, then, boyfriend, one night, who was too fucking lazy on ecstasy to get off the fucking beach, take a fucking bath, and buy his own pate. That night you barebacked with him, Loraine, well done, by the way, he washed in the fucking ocean. She learned quick about bare backing, yes, she did, nary a drop of come has passed through those lips, nary a one, compared to you, [ ], so don’t you even think of judging my new messiah, don’t you even think of it, don’t.’

‘Sorry, God.’

‘No. I will not have it. She has worked harder on that book than you worked on your studies, harder, yes, she has, and I am God, and I say that that is so, yes, I do, and she has cried more tears than you will ever know, more, trust that, to use [ ]’s little blackism, which Loraine doesn’t do, use blackisms, 50 Cent, she doesn’t, she knows she is white, yes, she does, and she won’t, like your friends don’t, she won’t, so don’t you assume that she will try to be all black, she is all, all, all, white, and she knows it.’

‘I don’t want to pimp her to women.’

‘Organize for women, pimp for men, 50 Cent, get it right, kidding, babe, kidding, why is that? Tell Loraine.’

‘I want her to suffer all the time, and she just. won’t. suffer. enough. She won’t. She won’t, God. It will be like a joke to her, and my women, and they are my women, I have been with this woman several times, Loraine, are not a joke to me, I need them, I am very serious when I screw, and besides this baby game you play with the Croatian, you are too, you are too, she never laughs, [ ], while [ ] laughed in her face, Loraine wasn’t laughing, and it is true that the former president giggles at his wife, and that should never be so, he is too low for her, and she is a striking, not beautiful, black, erroneous—.’

‘Why erroneous?’

‘Because Barrack Obama is, would be, a three in that family, not a number one, and she is the highest woman, and, as I was saying, she should never be laughed at for her passions.’

‘Fine, 50 Cent, but you have not seen Loraine with a woman, so you don’t know, and I do, I do, she is a big, fat, fucking, baby, when she is in love with a woman.’

‘She is 50,’ says [ ]. ‘She is.’

‘Really? What does that mean? Because I want her miserable, miserable, miserable, I want her to be so desperate for me that she can hardly come up for air, that is what I want, and I am going to use men to get it, and they won’t mind either, will they, God? Because she is lovely, lovely, lovely, ugly, but lovely, I know this, because she giggles--.’

‘No, giggles is a girlish thing, laughing in the face of passion is something else, and that is what [ ] did to her, and then expected all the services herself, yes, she did, and I have asked, yes, I have, yes, I have, yes, I have, she did nothing for Loraine, nothing, and the one time she was going to do a sixty nine, she raped Loraine, and Loraine blinded, by God--.’

‘I understand blinding is by God, 50 Cent.’

‘She’s impertinent with Loraine and I don’t understand why. Why, [ ]? What is it?’

‘I am simply jealous, jealous, I wanted a good mind, I wanted to be famous, I did.’

‘So many people wanted to be famous, Loraine wanted it to, and not everybody makes it, it is true, but, if it’s any consolation, she still has nothing, nothing, she made a couple hundred bucks and she will buy drugs, and put some money on her phone so she can screw for money, some random stranger--.’

‘I thought she liked that.’

‘Do you think it’s fun to be a whore dealing with random men all the time, by yourself, without even so much as a lame ass, pitiful, cheating, boyfriend to hold you at night, who buys you bad drugs and steals your money? Honestly, [ ], get a life. Her life is a piece of shit, while yours has been a swan.’

‘It has been,’ says her husband. ‘It has. She reminds me of these descriptions of your [ ], Loraine. She does nothing she doesn’t want to do, she likes to cook, so she cooks, she sews stupid shit that no one, and I mean no one wants, no one, that yellow brick road was the best shit she ever did, and she couldn’t even sell it, she couldn’t, no one wanted a used wall tapestry, and it was fucking beautiful, as you saw for yourself. It was a mosaic, and again, with her brain damage, Loraine--.’

‘Pointellist?’

‘Sort of, Loraine, but not. We have argued over you day and night, day and night, day and night, since those journals, and she wants to believe you are stupid so she doesn’t feel jealous, and I point out that she is so tied up in knots, that you can’t possibly be stupid, but that is male logic, and so it escapes her.’ “She says nothing, nothing at all, nothing, it’s annoying.” “Fuck annoying. When I complained about her brother, she knew enough to shut her fucking mouth, and that’s what I noticed. She knew her brother could be annoying for people, and she knew that I was a man, and he was a boy, and my opinion ruled, and she shut the fuck up, more women should be like that, and it pleases me immensely that someone, a woman, is saying that women need to get back in touch with submission, immensely, Loraine, because these women come in and out the office, as we say, and they never stay, never, they depend on some man, and say they worked in civil engineering. The worst case—‘

‘Everyone’s going to know who this is.’

‘I don’t give a fuck. I don’t. Say our names for all I care. I don’t care. She is right. Women are stupid at work, and they should leave the work force and stay home, that’s what they should do. What, Loraine?’

‘They’re seeking men, not work.’

‘I realize this, we all do, and they are all grandstanding, Loraine, grandstanding, and it is fucking. pitiful. fucking. pitiful. And Loraine with her forty percent logic, and her measly twenty percent little bit more logic from being an intellectual was the one to say it, say it she did, fantastically, Loraine, the traffic was cut in half overnight, overnight, they all went home to screw their husbands and do the housework, and people found chinks in the armour and broke up, and women had to go back to work, but still, still, many stayed together, and the traffic only increased, I know you don’t know math, but you know traffic, by another third, and it is still viable to get to work, and women are not, are not, are not, being as annoying, because Loraine Laney said they were submissive, and too dumb to keep their legs closed when men said to open them, that is what she said, not to put too fine a point on it, and, despite this argument, Loraine, over you, Loraine, you, with your beloved [ ], who you loved, thinking that she loved you too, wrong, wrong, wrong, she and [ ] get together and talk about what a hopeless slut you are, that is what they say, that you are so stupid that you never married, well, she is honest about who she is, and my wife is a slut too, only she was smart enough to reign it in, but I have seen it in her eyes, and Loraine said—.’

‘Loraine, Loraine, Loraine, why the fuck? What the fuck?’

‘She’s famous for that book, [ ], famous the world over, and it’s a self published, internet published that is, bullshit .pdf, that’s what it fucking well is.’

‘Why, though?’

‘Read the damn thing if you really want to know, read it, because I made up my mind about her long ago, which was that she was a lovely girl, that’s what I decided, despite her sluttish reputation, I took you, didn’t I?’

‘You thought I was hot.’

‘I thought a lot of women were hot. I fell in love though, and I soldiered through, despite, that, as she says in the book, we talk about it at work, the assumed victimhood, such as it was, in high school—.’

‘Don’t underestimate it, they were men, men, men, [ ], as were you, yes, you were.’

‘Practically a virgin man to her hundred and fifty, and she was, she was innocent, Loraine, a fucking idiot who thought men would stay with her, despite everything, and she is right that women are so hopeless with men that if they are going to screw at all after marriage--.’

‘After marriage?! She talks about screwing after marriage?’

‘—they need a fucking man to fucking well supervise because they are so fucking stupid that they will do anyone, just like Loraine, idiot, bringing a homeless rapist home for the night, well done, Loraine.’

I laugh. ‘Not funny.’

‘No, not funny when you got raped. This book was ground breaking, [ ], and I practically know it just from the scuttlebutt around the office, and the women, the all knowing women, refuse to read it, because “she is a whore, what does she know about marriage?” one woman said. “Everyone knows about marriage,” I replied. “Everyone. Every movie ever made is about fucking marriage, and marriage is fucking boring I said, and she knows that much, and, you will be surprised to know that she advocates pimping your wife.” “I don’t want to be a whore,” she said. “I choose what I do. My husband lets me screw a little, and I choose, I choose, I choose.” “Do you?” I said. “Or do they?” “Fuck you,” she said, and that was that for that. So forgive this little diatribe, writer of ours, our family, the men who have read the book, love you for what you said in that little .pdf, even puts the period, funny, Loraine, is it caps though, because I don’t think anyone knows anymore. And do you know who else loved Loraine, and too much I might add, because he confessed to me that he got erections when she was around, was your own father.’

‘He was sick.’

‘Is that sick? Men confess to doctors all the time about erections over their own children. Passionate love, it feels like, you love them so much, you feel sick like when you are young and make love. And, you know what, [ ], I believe I will pimp you, and I believe I will ask money for you, and I have a few contenders already.’

‘Fuck you. I’m chaste now. I’m a married woman.’

‘You’ve lost interest in sex, and I have heard, and, because of that book, men are doing this, and they are talking, you bet they are talking, and they are saying, this is what they are saying, that their wives are so happy, they can’t even pull them off their dick anymore.’

‘Fuck off.’

‘She’s weakening. I knew she would. This chastity bullshit has been a bee in my bonnet, because I had to become “chaste” too, Loraine, five lovers, and I had to pack it in, pack. it. in. in. For good. And I know your brother’s problems are opposite, his wife wants to and he is scared to hurt her, be abandoned by friends, lovers, even, potential lovers, and I have no desire, none, to sleep with a man, but if this “play the field” thing takes off for us—.’

‘What?’

‘She says, and 50 Cent says, that women do as men say, the men choose the lovers--.’

‘I want to choose my own lovers. And you get to do whatever you want. How is that fair?’

‘This is what they are saying, that, with this plan, and God confirmed this for me, Loraine, the numbers finally, finally, finally, shake down. Because men get more out of women alone, yes, they do.’

‘I don’t like that though. I should be there with the man, yes, I should, I don’t even like it, because why should I, but I don’t want him to get more out of women.’

‘Women, and she probably has a theory for this too--.’

‘She does, but she forgets right now,’ says God. ‘She said that women are so afraid of losing protection, their commitment, that it is easier for them to keep women out of the home, and it seems weird, but it is true, it is true.’

‘What about men with their “pimping,” money, what a joke, I choose.’

‘This is what men surmised from her work, that women aren’t really choosing, [ ], they are being chosen.’

‘Oh, fuck that shit, I was rampant, and I did what I wanted.’

‘You did whatever, and I mean whatever, Loraine, they wanted, yes, you fucking well did, and none of us, none of us, we were a group of friends, were too impressed with what we heard, unsafe sex, and it was the eighties, Loraine, and you have done well to keep your numbers so low as a whore, and you know who else, besides her father, was very impressed when Loraine, our little Loraine went professional, [ ] himself. Him. Self. A man who believed in the freedoms of the flesh. “Why should she do it for free if nobody wants to marry her because she’s too slutty, or whatever is wrong with her, why, the fuck, should she, she owes nothing to them, nothing. A slut,” he said, and he said this, “thinks she owes sex to men, but she doesn’t, she is full of free will, and she’ll fuck if she wants, but she doesn’t have to fuck if she doesn’t want, and I have asked her father, and he said, he said, he said, and I admired him for this, he stayed off of her enough so that she began, as an adult, to confide in him, and, though he thought she “gets around,” she related her warts story, and her trich story, you did, Loraine, and [ ] told me all that shit, too, yes, she did, he began to think, because you were so, fucking, depressed, that you weren’t really getting laid as much as your [ ] said you were, with her nefarious, endless, fucking stories of bare backing, disease passing bullshit, she would pass off as idle chatter. Bullshit, thought your Dad, finally, bullshit, and, when she finally did go pro at thirty one, this realization was confirmed, because she got happier, she got stable, and she was better. And he told me, on my death bed, I’m speaking from heaven of course, and my wife knows about the erections, and I feel better in heaven, because it disturbed me, and, of course, this is out, out, out, now, and even women are admitting to it, in real life, such profound flushes of pleasure at the sight and sound of their children, that it is almost erotic, true, Loraine, oh, you know this?’

‘It happened once with my brother’s [ ].’

‘A flush of pleasure.’

‘The whole body, leaving nothing out.’

‘Did you feel guilty?’

‘Did I God?’

‘She had heard of it, and normalizes all of her physical responses, so no, she had been reminded to them so often by her loving, though almost estranged brother, that they already, they already, Loraine, unlike your [ ]’s kids who were inculcated against Loraine--.’

‘Why? Because she was a bad influence?’ asks [ ].

‘No, because the wife was cheating and she was using Loraine’s name as a back story.’

‘Oh, fuck. So the kids, the kids, and the husband, I know who it is, Loraine, yes, I do, we know these things, your mother makes sure of it, hated her too.’

‘I know Loraine, but I was confused as to why she wanted to spend time with [ ], knowing what she did about the cheating, especially after she left us so dramatically over it, that my wife had to confess, she had to, because I was on to her, I couldn’t work it out logically, and I was mad at Loraine, for a long time, for choosing her over me.’

‘Fuck. Lies.’

‘Holy shit, your family can talk, Loraine, and I, like you, would like [ ] to give just one example of grandstanding of women in civil engineering. I really fucking want to know, and Loraine does too, she wondered right away, is there road better, or something?’

‘Fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, bike lanes is the women’s contri-fucking-bution to civil engineering. And fucking bike lanes have caused more accidents than riding on the fucking road, and nobody actually knows this because it is one of the best kept secrets in civil fucking engineering. And, I have heard, from her dad actually, again, that Loraine is a woman who does not defend the bike lane, she doesn’t, at. all. ever. Because, I am assuming, she knows that men drive a lot and are working this out logically, and it isn’t working, and she hears a tale or two, what?’

‘A two way bike lane on a one way street.’

‘Okay, that is a perfect, fucking, example.’

‘And someone was actually killed, Loraine, immediately, I didn’t tell you that. It would have been rude, killed. And I do go on, and your dad is like me, I got that, so you let me go on, and just listened, because you trust the logic of men, and, if you don’t, you know men well enough that they don’t want to fucking argue, they just want to make a point, and that is it. That is it. I saw this in her--.’

‘Why is she the woman of the hour?’

‘--And she didn’t try to analyze me or anything, she just let me ramble, and ramble I did, because she didn’t argue, even the wife argues. Argues, argues, argues, it’s not like that with men, we just agree to disagree, and we don’t argue, and that’s it.’

‘Because she spent time with men, and she learned “how to speak man,” I heard about this from God, Loraine, and I laughed, and the woman lawyer was immediately irate, but, Loraine, you may not know this, but that woman from PIVOT is a lesbian, and she found, she realized, that she already spoke “man,” and she is a lovely lawyer, who many men respect, I hear a lot on the ether, and I remember. And the lawyer with a little spunk that you liked who had the nerve, in front of prostitutes to say, “Why do I like big ones then?”

‘Can I have a big one, [ ]? I want one like Loraine’s men. I do.’

‘All women do. All. All. All. “The eternal question of penis size cannot be resolved by monogamy. And, if there is a party at Loraine’s, I have no doubt, no doubt, none, that, with my permission, you will charm one of those men into trying that thing in there, and he will love you as well, I feel sure, and Loraine will love it, she doesn’t pimp, because she is under explicit instructions not to do so, but she knows her men, and they are able and willing.’

‘Oh, I see. I thought she got them all to herself or something.’

‘Absolutely not. Which brings us to playing the field, which I will do, perhaps, I have decided, and, based on the past, I believe, Loraine, that a kiss is not enough, based on the past--.’

‘I didn’t know her though.’

‘You knew some of her men. And they certainly knew you once you took her off their hands, and off the casual sex market, and his wife, a gentle, loving, little French woman who lost--.’

‘I’m gentle and loving.’

‘Let me finish. Who lost her virginity at eleven, [ ], eleven, read the book, and cried for days over her lost virtue, for days, for days, until the children were wondering what the hell did Aunty Laney say in that book. And she tried to tell them. They dress the kids in Gymboree, [ ].’

‘Gross.’

‘Loraine gave them hip hop and had to succumb, though she suckered them into hoodies on dresses and shit, she did, because hoodies fucking rule, yes, they do, and I want my younger son to come out as a gang bang boy, although he will be higher than his dear, old, and I’m old now, Loraine, you remember us as young, I have grey hair and everything, in my blond, your men colour theirs I’m sure.’

‘Not all,’ says Neil Smith, also a blond, strawberry. ‘I’m in business, and it’s not done, it’s not, the performers only, I would look a fool, and I’m used to it, and Loraine is old too, and I’m told she has no ambitions for younger men whatsoever, not too much older, though [ ] was her father’s age, and she thought, she actually thought, that no woman, herself included, even deserved a man the same age. That is what she thought.’

‘What age then? Old?’

‘Loraine has no ego is the point here, [ ], she is the antithesis of ego, she’s excited which is why she is bouncy and happy, not because it’s ego.’

‘What’s the difference between bouncy and happy and grandstanding?’

‘She has been typing my shit for a hour straight, and has said hardly a word, that’s not grandstanding. This bike lane bullshit, Loraine, I know, I know, I know, that this is surprise to you.’

‘It was a woman,’ says God. ‘It was. It was a woman who said that the cars going one way, would see the bikes going two ways, and it didn’t happen that way, the bikes move, and they came upon each other too quickly, and that is what happened, a man died, and yes, Loraine, there are by laws forcing men who know better from using the road, yes, there are. Loraine doesn’t think much of them either, [ ], because, and she has seen this, as a passenger, they come up the side and people turn into them, all the time, all the time, all the time,  they are better to drive as cars and wait in fucking line like everyone else. And her father knows it too, and she keeps quiet until she has more information, and when she heard that two way, one way, story, that man, you bet he did, noticed that it landed, fair and square, illogic, that is a gift of intellectuals, a gift, whether by God, or by birth, who cares? And yes, it is annoying, but she is the woman of the hour, because of that book, and a few other things, and because of her devotion to me, I give her no end of things to write about, did you see that? What was she apologizing to God for, do you think, [ ]?’

‘Because she got a little annoyed that she forgot a comma and you asked her to go back, so she said “sorry, God, for my impatience.”’

‘That’s right.’

‘I see this. Humility is everything to me. Everything. Apologize. Thank me. It cleanses the soul. Always. It does. Try it miss do everything on her own, try it, and pray to me for that big dick and I will help your husband to achieve it.’

‘I’m excited again, [ ], I can’t believe this, I thought that book said women were gross and evil or something for desire, or something, I couldn’t figure out why the men were so fucking happy for a change, so fucking happy, you changed something in [ ] so profound, Loraine, that he is a man, and happy, for the first time in his life, he is a changed man, and it was disturbing to me, because I thought he was cheating on his girlfriend, Loraine, but he fucking dumped her, after she dithered about marriage and children for six, fucking, years, he dumped her, has another girlfriend already and they are planning marriage and children. We thought he was crazy for folding after six long years, but what?’

‘Great. Fucking awesome.’

‘What though?’

‘A woman, seven years.’

‘Worse for a man.’

‘Worse for a woman, and she was beautiful, and angry, and she dumped him finally, and was married, and knocked up in three years, Loraine, and one of your [ ]’s on your [ ]’s side too, dithered over a woman, within three years she had three children, and is tired, but happy.’

‘Why has marriage been so hard for Loraine, though? I wasn’t irrevocable.’

‘Loraine was, and she knew it. She was, at least, bisexual--. Yes, they’re doing you.’

‘They’re lying down on the roof?’

‘Yes, Loraine, yes. Bad cops, yes, they are, there are some left and they are trying their hardest to bring the rest down by saying prostitutes, “whores” to them, are disgusting, that is what they have, after that masterpiece you crafted, “whores” are disgusting, well done cops who shit in people’s fan vents, disgusting, excellent, well, fucking, done, disgusting, good, fucking, argument.’

‘Why doesn’t she argue? Why don’t you argue?’

‘I think I just watched men’s faces to avoid angering them, quite honestly.’

‘Seriously? Why do you care? About angering them, I mean.’

‘Because,’ 50 Cent rises up to take this, ‘men will kill a slut like Loraine, for almost any reason, almost any reason, and you have been married too long to fear them anymore, and many women have, because they don’t, and never did, fear their husbands.’

‘Do you want women to fear their husbands, God?’

‘When a man loves, he ceases to disrespect a woman, all other men are, let’s call it “fair game.” Though that sounds opposite, they automatically disrespect you, because, and they know this, [ ], because this is how it has always, always, been, women are lying sluts who put all of the sexuality on to men, all of it, all of it, projection, you’ve heard of in psychotherapy. She’s done some, Loraine, not like you though. Loraine has made an education out of therapy, and, since, etherwise, Sharon Driscoll has asked you to use her name because, and I decree it, Loraine, you don’t know, but you suspected because of how she helped you, she is a brilliant therapist, who, despite her protestations, was very much aligned with symbols, just not in dreams, you don’t remember, Loraine, but you transferred actually Patrick Crean in heaven’s love of symbols into dreams, yes, you did, yes, you fucking well did, which he already knew, but knows for a fact that he didn’t teach you that. He does. He does. And you would have remembered that, I feel sure. You did that, all on your own, and that is how an intellectual survives, logic, thinking, Loraine speaks “man,” alright, and that lawyer is a fan, Loraine, and a lesbian, so very logical, a real lesbian, though you found her feminine and pretty, she has a partner now, and they are thinking of including a man from time to time, because they miss real penises, you are right—‘

‘She’s always right.’

‘I knew, I knew, I knew, she was good for it. I knew it.’

‘Good for what? Brilliance, or something?’

‘This ether thing, she emcees the ether, that is what the new messiah, and Jesus himself, does, did, yes, it is, yes, it is, yes, it is, yes, it is. Eminem is talking to Loraine and he wants her to stop, so I will finish by saying that Loraine never grandstands, she talks a little excitedly, and she will talk over men, until she realizes that they are saying something, and then she knows to shut up, because they are men, [ ], and you are a pretty good woman--.’

‘Pretty good?’

‘Let me finish, let me compliment you too, [ ], allow me, God, to speak without arguing and questioning everything--.’

‘Libby Davies questioned everything.’

‘Stop, [ ], stop, stop, fucking stop. You are a pretty good woman, you have had it good though, and you have nary suffered a day, and you are happy, but you don’t know suffering, you don’t, [ ], if you don’t want sex, you don’t have to do it, and Loraine writes about the male sex right, and it is real, your husband pays for you, and he deserves sex--. Did you see that? This is her work, and she, also, has a knee jerk reaction to the bidding of men, women do, and how do you think your husband feels about his boss day in and day out.’

‘He complains and I think he is just complaining, but he does complain alright. And so did your dad. All men do, my dad was his own boss, yes, he was.’

‘And that works for some men, but your husband is a civil engineer and he needs to work for the city, and he must, he must, he must, women, marry, their boss, was Loraine’s analogy.’

‘That’s not fair, I’m my own woman.’

‘You’re not. Loraine is, she doesn’t want to be, but she is, she pays—‘

‘Are you seriously going to try and say that her [ ] who abused her relentlessly, and, as an adult, harassed evil doctors so much that they finally just gave her total jurisdiction over her forty year old daughter, is getting a fifty dollar food voucher per month, and therefore is not her own woman? Are you seriously trying that logic with God.’

‘I want her to stop. I do,’ says Eminem. ‘I’m sick of this shit. This woman is a baby, potty mouth who has no respect for anyone, let alone greatness, in me, in 50, in Loraine, in anyone. She has been spoon fed her entire life, and it disgusts me that she would try and say anything about a woman who got nothing, and never married.’

‘They raised her.’

‘On a pittance. They starved her, used her, abused her, and destroyed her brain, intentionally, [ ], with e. Coli, intentionally, intentionally, her [ ] is the biggest abuser in the history of women, the biggest, save, no, not save foot binding and clitoridectomy, I have asked God, Loraine, and he agreed that it was true, true, Loraine. This woman is a baby idiot, and so is your other [ ], whose Dad--.’

‘True.’

‘Lived in the poor house so his only daughter could make thirty thousand a year in architecture. That is what she makes.’

‘Do it, Loraine. They have been disgusting to you, despite their admonitions by their fathers, both of whom are among precious few who actually love you, yourself, for who you are, and, believe it or not, [ ] [ ] admits he had no right to ask you for coffee, Loraine balked 50 Cent, because neither of them were out of the closet to each other, neither, and he is a promiscuous man, Loraine, relative to you brother, for example. He is a poet, and is a giver, not in bed, he’s a taker, which women love, they love it, I believe, I know that he is a high man, despite his dorkish walk, that is what he is, so high that he has coveted, knowing her fantasies, a true, gang bang girl for a wife, an Asian one at that, which Loraine balked at, and was reported as such by her mother, and was summarily dismissed, and chastised on the down low, not to her face, of course, as a racist, and turned out to love [ ], as family, within one dinner. She loves her [ ] [ ], [ ]’s father, she loved [ ] too, before today and the previous sulky, bullshit, days, she loves her [ ] [ ] immensely, to the dismay of her [ ], I might add, who goes, for the most part, out of her way to make sure they don’t see each other, despite that, Loraine, you have been invited, politely, through your [ ], to many’s the dinner at their nice house, which is not cluttered as your [ ] has described.’

‘She saw my place cluttered once, and thinks I am a hoarder. She was shocked.’

‘I was not as shocked as I was at the digs themselves.’

‘Oh. Previously.’

‘She wasn’t shocked, [ ] [ ], she was concerned, because she knows how neat you are, she knows this, she knows this, she knows this, yes, she does, from the trip, and because your clothing and closet was perfectly organized, it was a paper fest, and paper fests do happen, because, despite her stupidity, Loraine often tackles her income tax.’

‘Are you fucking kidding me with this?’ says [ ] [ ]. ‘Her [ ] says that she takes it to her father.’

‘Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Once to her father, once, and he rang up her condoms, yes, he did, because he knows, and, by the way, contrary to her word, approves of her decision, because, like [ ] [ ], he could see that she was happier and more stable, and our Loraine Laney is a canary in a gold mine, yes, she is, [ ], don’t doubt it, don’t doubt it--.’

‘She’s stupid.’

‘I’m sick of this shit,’ says Eminem. ‘Why do you put up with this, Loraine. Oh, oops. Oh, oops. Go get beer and take a speed because I want it to soak in before we go to the liquor store, because it’s not a beer store, as you call it, and I know you are disappointed that your neighbourhood store is out of Grolsch, and you do not know, you do not know, maybe we should go to The Beer Store, and get weed tomorrow, Loraine, and fuck the stupid 14, and their dumb route change, fuck it.’

‘Great idea, Eminem, and Loraine loves it.’

‘Was she really going to refuse my money? Is she crazy?’

‘She is crazy, but she was so delighted, because men will stop by, and ravage her in clothing anyway, and pay nothing, and the neighbour is bad for that, he is bad, and he owes her twenty dollars, for a mostly, blow job, and because he just can’t be trusted to pay. She, to answer your question, has precious few clients--.’

‘What does the African pay, because they are cheap, and this bugs me.’

‘Don’t. Really. She sustained four clients at sixty to eighty dollars while she was, honestly, telling them that, save one blow job for two joints, and a ten dollar job in the bushes, she was making ten and twenty dollars for services for clients she met on the streets. So don’t judge her please. She has raised her rate again, and she won’t, she grandfathers, and accepts low amounts now from old clients.’

‘Oh, she tells them.’

‘She hasn’t told me.’

‘She was, honestly, up at thirty five when she met you. The first man she charged thirty five to she made a big to do of telling him that he was the first man--.’

‘I get it. She is making, what now?’

‘Fifty, because her one sixty dollar, generous, outcall bought her a cheap phone, maintained her, while poor, at sixty, to eighty, mind you--.’

‘I get it, he was pissed when he saw her ad for thirty five.’

‘Exactly.’

‘Is he happy now?’

‘I have been thanked for the phone, and I get the same cheap rates, not as cheap now, which is my fault, if I go to her, it is hard for me to understand since I make dinner and such, but girls want to charge for time, and so they do, they do, they do. I had to learn to do less, but I still drive her, and I am excellent, and she loves me because I am an excellent listener--.’

‘Like me, she says.’

‘Nope, because I am an excellent talker too, which she did not say, and that is one of the reasons she is nervous with you, because you are high, yes, but, also, you love her, and you are as shy as she is, you are, we, men, can all see that. Your mouth quivers a bit.’

‘It is true, Loraine, and I love black women more, but I just love you, you are an honest to goodness sweetie, though you do, you do, you do seem crazy when you talk about loving a celebrity, and I was thrown, you are right, 50 Cent, black men know this, bisexual, trisexual, whatever sexual, he is as high as men come, and everyone, everyone, everyone, knows this. He’s a brilliant artist, a gifted braggart, a gifted lover, a consummate protector, a pimp, and a lover, a lover, a lover, of women, everyone knows this, and so, when you say 50 Cent, every, every, every, man is daunted, and that is what you want, because he is who, he is clearly who, you truly, truly, truly, love, and we Africans are smart, and you are not the only person who knows that someone can fall in love through art, believe it.’

‘True, Loraine. As you were talking, he had to remind himself of this, because it is not known here, though it is known in all, all, all, African cultures, because it is, and 50 Cent knows it too, yes, he does, and he knew it when--.’

‘Are you bored with God, Loraine?’

‘I’m scared I will, but he never bores me, never.’

‘That’s because it is always about you.’

‘I tried to talk about you, and you wouldn’t let me. She listens.’

‘Okay. Talk about me, then.’

‘I tried to say you were a pretty good woman, and you didn’t like that, you have withheld sex from your husband who is nothing but deserving.’

‘That’s bad, though.’

‘That’s what pretty good means, though, Loraine Laney takes the good with the bad.’

‘Name me one bad, one, single, bad, thing, you have said about her, just one.’

‘That she is wonderful, and that is why she is the new messiah. You have denied your husband the field though he works hard and overcame all your sluttish behaviour, by making friends with everyone at school when he dated you, everyone, he was the most popular man around for awhile at school because he tried, he tried, he tried, to convince people that you were good, and they respected him for it, though they worried. She left men in her dust, Loraine.’

‘You’ve said that. That was what was going on in the seventies.’

‘Don’t act like the seventies were a culture unto themselves, [ ], free love, sluttishness among women started, and Loraine--.’

‘Loraine, Loraine, Loraine. Fuck Loraine. I have insulted her my entire life, because she is a pathetic loser with nothing to say.’

‘You don’t say anything either, [ ],’ reminds her brilliant husband.

‘He is brilliant, Loraine. He makes so much money in America for his brand of city planning, that it is just silly, silly, silly, Loraine. I lied. They never suffered. He has tons of money, and doesn’t even live in the community that I mentioned. They moved years ago, and your mother never told you, because she was busy insulting you, and didn’t want you to get in touch with anyone, least of all [ ], who, because of her “new chastity,” as she jokingly refers to it, judged you harshly, but not [ ], because she was seen as hapless, and your [ ] never corrected this. [ ] was evil, yes, she was. She let her [ ] be poor, yes, she did, because she wanted to go to art school, and architecture school, and that is a million dollar education, and, believe it or not, it, and [ ] [ ] doesn’t care anymore, he is so fed up with her whining about nothing, she does, she does, she does, only, only, only, with a million dollar education so her [ ] had to live off of a divorced Chinese woman who loves him dearly, but would have preferred a man with as much money as she, because they worked, and saved, and saved, and saved, and did not screw each other over money, but settled child support on their own, in a reasonable amount, not eight hundred dollars, as you gasped at when you first heard it, knowing it didn’t take that much to sustain on top of a salary, knowing that, because you did it. Women thought that they should be able to live forever on one child, that’s how far alimony went for awhile. The gangsters, and they are mad that you never wrote about “downtown BC,” because a lot came out of that, a lot, a lot, a lot, a lot, Loraine, including “Mom’s littler” which was very real. The gangsters, with drug money supported wives to the max, and paid for Mom’s littler too, yes, they did, precisely to keep custody battles out of the courts, and moms and the new men just let them, yes, they did, yes, they did, yes, they did, take another speed, and keep going, we will get beer about three o’clock and Eminem doesn’t want you to shower, just brush your teeth. You showered, you’re clean enough, and your curly hair is coming out, but kinda pretty, so just throw on clothes, Loraine, take off your little skirt first though, and nicely done, by the way, having a cute outfit on for your client you like who dropped by just to check on you, and throw you a tenner. Well done.’

‘Thank you, Eminem.’

‘I am starting to see why she puts up with me. She has no one, she feels their hate, they don’t love her, and, if they do, they have hard ons and alienate her.’

‘Right, Eminem, right Eminem, right Eminem, and she does not, she does not, she does not, she does not, need your rancour, she does not, so, though I love you, I will always ask you to check yourself with Loraine, she does not deserve it, Eminem, she doesn’t.’

‘Why is she so great?’

‘She’s an infant, Loraine is right, she’s a cooing, whining, little, baby, infant, that’s what I hear, a baby infant with a good upbringing, lots of money because her [ ] was successful, and a great, a fucking great, high, non demanding husband who asked for nothing but a few vittles, and I hear, I do hear, [ ], that you are great, a great, a great, cook, better than Loraine, even, who has time for nothing, nothing, nothing, make no mistake, the second you start a recipe, the phone rings, that is what all the whores say, and I don’t mean that derogatorily.’

‘Do it at night.’

‘They work at night, you stupid, little, baby.’

‘Loraine is laughing, Eminem, because she hears this too, she does, and she can’t fucking believe it, she thought that [ ] was a mature, selfless, even a wonderful woman, but her [ ] disagrees. I had, with my catholic upbringing, and poor, struggling to save, parents, mother working a little, and trying to raise four children, they did well, but not when we were young, and I would like to revisit this, Loraine, that story about the sandwiches. It was me who hid sandwiches, not your [ ], me, just so you know, terrified, hating sandwiches, of not eating my food, my [ ] smelled them in my drawer and questioned me gently, and, after that, no more sandwiches, a tuna salad with a pickle. Loraine hates sandwiches too, yes, she does, and, with her jaw, it is well known, Loraine, that people with Frankenstein dentistry, or whatever you call it, doctor, mister Hyde, or whatever your [ ] did to you, cannot eat horizontal foods, they can’t, they bite the shit, the living, fucking, shit, out of their mouth, which you do. We, we are smart, and we can see that you struggle with eating, and this jaw stretching surgery, sure it seems funny in light of your large men, but it will help immensely. It is a brilliant surgery. And despite our misunderstanding, I, unlike [ ], heeded my husband’s teachings about whores, and learned that they are self preserving and self sacrificing women who are almost never truly satisfied, which I understand more now, from the blog, and the book, which I am reading, and yes, I am a little mad that I failed to see your intellect, because it reflects badly on me, but I do love you--.’

‘She does. She does. And she knew about the erections, but was in touch enough with her body--.’

‘You never repeat those things, do you?’

‘No.’

‘You’re embarrassed for us.’

‘If I feel embarrassed, it’s automatic not to repeat it, but, believe me, I live with it, and I thought it was the funniest, sweetest, little thing.’

‘And gave rise to temper in your [ ], who didn’t know about natural erections with children.’

‘It was Loraine, though, not [ ], never [ ].’

‘You didn’t love him because he annoyed you.’

‘It is true, [ ], I must admit, there are stirrings today when I see the type of man he has become, I’m so proud, and now, and I’m ashamed too--.’

‘I didn’t say I was ashamed. Kidding, [ ], kidding, I loved her for calling me despite her [ ], and, when she cancelled our walk and did not reschedule, I clung to that, and she feels terrible, and has no excuse, no other excuse, because I was not parental, as she says of others, like [ ], and she certainly is, Loraine, even so with me, other than she had to get out and run, and could not make so much as an excuse for a walk. She wasn’t, this is what she says, wasn’t, wasn’t, wasn’t, making much money, and felt she had to stay home as much as possible for calls, and that soothed her, and it hurt a little when I saw her walking in Kerrisdale.’

‘The walks were rare, and she was alone, and not obligated to a schedule and could go home.’

‘Oh, I see.’

‘But even that went by the wayside because, and I am not kidding [ ], she once washed her hair first and all the environmental odours were absorbed, and she rushed home, with her phone, and could smell her hair the whole time, and thought the man, who never returned, poor, Loraine, but they want to see the new girls, and so they save, could smell it too, and she never, never, never, did that again. She ran, showered, and waited, and that is what she did, day in and day out, never taking time even to visit her mother, never. Seriously. You think you were neglected? Prostitutes learn quickly that you jump at every call, because otherwise there is no money, and Libby Davies knows this from absences at focus groups. They learn this fast. It is truly, at the risk of repeating ourselves, “short lived, and poorly paid,” Libby Davies everybody. Seriously, [ ], her mother thought she had fucking died, fucking well died, [ ]. And I mean died for real, because she was gone, gone, gone, and you know when your [ ] died, Loraine’s [ ]?’

‘I’m so fucking bored with Loraine, I could die,’ says [ ].

‘I’m not,’ says [ ]. ‘She was so annoyed when she wasn’t in your journal, Loraine. Who was that, anyway? Was it engagement?’

‘[ ].’

‘Still, fucking, single.’

‘Yup.’

‘Why witchy?’

‘I didn’t analyze it correctly, I should have gone straight for the bones, which would have been an impossible, gets it now, impossible! engagement.’

‘A sixth finger would have made it impossible. Why though, [ ].’

‘I’m so hopeless, [ ], I believe, I am, Loraine, looking at this fantasy thing, and I am tremendously boring for people, truly, tremendously, though I am successful at work, nobody really enjoys me, Loraine, and one of the reasons that I didn’t want to go to your women’s party, knee jerk, absolutely immediately, is because I knew there would be women there, women, Loraine, and I knew, I knew, I knew, with your casual attire, and your fun side, that there would be lesbians, and I just couldn’t face it. I wanted a man so badly, but I was so, so, so, bisexual, and I think now, I know now, and I’m out to my family of late, as a, believe it or not, polygamous peripherie. Warren Jeff’s Amy has nothing on me. I will lick women out of town, out of town, and I’ve only done it once, but I can’t come without it, and I need, I need, I need a man to realize this, I would never, never, never, do it on my own, never. Do you think I’m pretty, because no one ever looks at me.’

‘You bore them senseless, [ ],’ says [ ], my [ ].

‘You do, [ ], you are so closeted, and boring as hell as a result,’ says God. ‘Boring, as fucking, hell, and that is not why Loraine dreamed of you, because she didn’t know that until that night at [ ]’s house, when [ ] was getting high on coke and leaving you two to fend for yourselves with boring [ ]. She is a piece of work, Loraine, when she is rushing around, she is almost invariably on coke, which is why they have no money, that is why, not “[ ]’s drinking,” not.’

‘My fucking family is going to fucking kill me.’

‘Wrong. The truth is out. Everyone knows who you are, and they, all of them, are grateful, all, and your family has precious few secrets, seriously, don’t worry.’

‘I want to marry a conservative man like Warren Jeffs. I have even fantasized about Warren Jeffs himself, Loraine, but not Kody, who is not serious enough for me, I need this bullshit about submission and control, and if I deserve to be pimped, if I truly am, with my eyes, as you say, asking for it, then so be it, but I will be an obedient wife, that is what I want, and I will work ten hours. I read the book and I knew, I fucking well knew it was you, and this is why, because I fucking knew, from Quebec, that there are like two fucking Loraine’s with one “r” in the entire country, so I felt sure it was you, and I was happy that it was going around Montreal, my boring, slutty, little cousin, I was, though I told no one. I like beer. I like to drink.’

‘We drink,’ says Warren Jeffs. ‘The women like Scotch. They have developed a taste for it.’

‘Drugs are off the table for me, off,’ she says. ‘I am like her brother, yes, I am, I hate them, I hate them, I hate what they do to people, and, unlike you, Loraine, I knew [ ] was on something, I knew, as I always knew you were smoking weed. I can tell. I can fucking tell, and I respected you immensely for being honest, because, and I agree, drugs are like cheating, you have to tell, you have to, and that’s it, so much lying, fucking bullshit from her, it disgusted me, and I knew [ ] deserved better. I did not know that he was bisexual, because—.’

‘I stopped talking about it for real when I got beat up for being “gay,” honestly, fuck that shit, and [ ], [ ]’s son, is right, he is a target as a high man with bisexual tendencies, because I was, am one, and I was, Loraine, rest assured. They wanted to get me, and they beat me right the fuck up.’

‘Any broken bones?’ asks 50 Cent.

‘Bloody. And [ ] too, and he wasn’t even bi, and he was bigger. Done. Seriously. Left to die, bleeding. It was a week before we returned to school and Loraine was suitably horrified. I was worried when I went to Kits, because I thought it would be worse, but it was better than those collegiate assholes at Point Grey, Loraine, better, of which [ ] was not one, we knew him, them, his sister, our family, and they were the best of them, seriously, never a moment’s trouble with [ ], and we were friendly.’

‘I had my moments of thinking about men.’

‘I didn’t know that. Good for you for not being a closeted prick. I was out at fifteen, and hurried back into the closet, 50 Cent, hurried, yes, I fucking well, did, but I told women I dated, and asked them not to repeat it, and, as such, I am a ten, and my [ ] is a ten, and my [ ] is a ten, and Loraine feels us, she does, she has even said she feels more of a family connection to us than her own family, and I told my [ ] this, Loraine, and she is cynical, so she thought you were angling for dinners, but she is a social worker, and, as you know, fucking smart, and my [ ] is odd, but pure, as you also know, and when we decided, as a family, not to make my [ ] the butt of anymore jokes, he flourished, and Loraine wondered what had happened to that humour, I saw it on you, Loraine, because my [ ] was the worst of it, but, and, like you with Spencer, you apologize, you know you are just trying to get attention because you need love, so you apologize, and you fucking stop, and I respect you, because he has, he has, you have Spencer taunted her, but she is resolute. She will not make any of her husband’s the butt of any jokes.’

‘Octavia.’

‘She was trying to compliment him, honestly, she was, saying he was the only one man enough to fart in front of her. Truly. She is never mean, never Spencer, she doesn’t know why that started, and, when she realized that it was showing disrespect, not humour, she stopped, cold, she did.’

‘Yes.’

‘So that is that. And “[ ]’s drinking,” has stopped too, Loraine, there is no more of that lying, projectionist, or whatever bullshit in our house, none.’

‘Loraine has to go for beer. And she will continue later. Honestly, Loraine, drink your beer, wash up and go, you are not even feeling the speed, you are so tired, truly. Well done.’

‘Thank you, God.’

‘She’s a suck.’

‘She’s truly a lover of God, and that is what she is, that is what she is, she makes love to me, not much but she has, and she loves my eroticism.’

‘Fuck you.’

‘Try it sometime, I’m good. And I’m heterosexual, if a man asked me, I wouldn’t. It is enough that they have all the power over women, save sexual, and that is how I feel. They can respect me, and women can have me, I am truly a center polygamist. I am. Go.’

***********************************************************************************

‘This has been a long night,’ says God, ‘two long nights, two, yes, it has, and we are working on a third, yes, we are, and Loraine is out of beer, nearly, and she wants sleep, so suffice to say, no interruptions, please, none. “This is my pussy,” she says, pointing down, “And it has bought me a comfortable living, a fucking, comfortable, living, I do nothing (syntax) that I do not want to do, nothing, and I mean nothing, fucking nothing, if I don’t want to get up, I stay in bed, if I want to go to bed, I go, I go, I go, I just go, I just tell [ ] and his fucking hockey to fuck off, and I go, and I do, and if I want to spend an hour masturbating my glorious pussy—“ And they are killing themselves, Loraine, but they cannot laugh, they cannot, because she will erupt into harpyism, Loraine, which is a constant, running, nag, that’s what harpyism is, Loraine. And Loraine doesn’t do this—‘

‘Good for her, she has a good life.’

‘Yes, she gets mad, but she is quiet.’

‘As is [ ] [ ], yes, she is, she never nags me, never, and we have so much money, Loraine, your dad’s meagre fortune is dwarfed by our money, dwarfed, Loraine, and our [ ] does well, too, and [ ] does okay, her business is much less lucrative, much less, much less, as you probably know, except construction, body industries don’t make a lot, they don’t, they don’t, they don’t, they don’t, so this is what I wanted to say, and you were not even serious, when you said you wanted “some of it,” “not yours,” you added, defensively, we want, we want, we want, to give you some of our money, we do, and [ ] too.’

‘You’re crazy. You are.’

‘Why?’

‘When we die, silly.’

‘Why?’

‘We don’t love your [ ], she will be long hospitalized, Loraine, long, she is sick sometimes, kidding, Loraine, just wanted to see if you still cared, we want, and we are doing this for [ ], [ ], and [ ], too, and you are the only children that we cared for, the only ones, and it won’t be a secret, and we owe nothing to anyone, and we, when we read your book, and saw how well we had done, emotionally, for ourselves, we wanted to tell you first. We wanted to. And we were teasing you hanging around, teasing you, hanging around, teasing you, I was teasing you about your husbands’ penises, teasing, Loraine, and I’m funny, yes, I am. It will be in the neighbourhood of a million dollars each, two million dollars each, and we have discussed it with our children, and they are totally, and I mean totally, on board, totally. It has been hard for [ ] to make it in Richmond, with her size, and the extreme competition in the estheticians business, and, as you say, many are laundering operations, many, and she knows them herself, she does, Loraine. You will, you will, look weird stating this, like you are asking for money, but that is not the ether, and it won’t come to you as a result, it won’t.’

‘Yes, Loraine, it is common for folks to live poor until they get an inheritance, and they don’t share it with the other poor people, they go and buy something to live in, Loraine would live in a high rise, like The Mondrian, yes, she would.’

‘Would she prostitute, and risk the money?’

‘That is a long way off. Thank you so much, she says. Let’s go on. No, Loraine, they think you’re in shock, they do, you’re an idiot, nothing is in your mind except another small apartment, and they see that. People who are hungry for money, and [ ] and [ ] were not, and [ ] was, have things in their mind right away, she just wants to get off the street, and eat tenderloin, and trout, honestly, that’s all she has in her mind, that fucking fur coat that went into the garbage, she has her own back account, and she just diddles away at it, buying nothing for anyone, ever, Loraine, trinkets for the house, more ugly junk that [ ] hates, hates, Loraine, because, believe it or not, believe it or not, he, he, he, does the fucking dusting, because he can’t be bothered to screen a new cleaner, he just can’t be bothered, Loraine, the house is dirty, the [ ] do the laundry, and, she is an idiot, Loraine, when two, two, fucking penises came out of her precious, virginal, renewed, fucking, vagina, she thought she was queen of the world. “I guess it makes sense that I gave birth to two penises,” she said to everyone who would listen, and there are, precious few left, precious few left, precious few, Loraine. She has those two idiots from drumming, I’m sorry I revealed the gender of your two [ ], [ ],--‘

‘It’s okay.’

‘I am, but this next part is so good, you will just love it, and even you don’t know it, even you don’t know it, [ ]—‘

‘I don’t, I don’t, seriously, Loraine.’

‘”Because, I had several inside me before I gave birth to them, yes, I did, yes, I did, yes, I did, and she was just saying this very line, when [ ] entered the room, and she segued immediately, saying, “Honey, have we accomplished anything today?” “I don’t know, have we? Have we masturbated yet today?” he asked. And she flustered a laugh, because it was the cleaning man, and he does trust her not to cheat, he does, he doesn’t, Loraine, so she says, “Husband? Don’t discuss my masturbation in front of the company.” “I thought he was the help.” “Oh, fuck you,” she said. And the help left, Loraine, he left, he turned and walked out, he didn’t need the job that bad, and [ ] really, really, really, wanted a woman, Loraine, “they are gentler on my TV,” he says. And I say that it was during this little exchange that another friend arrived, she just arrived, and listened to it, Loraine, about the point of masturbation, Loraine, honest, Loraine. No, [ ] never starts anything, he is a ten, but he is long suffering, yes, he is, yes, he is, yes, he is. So, back to the dinner. We will do her later, Loraine’s other cousin, he has almost washed his hands of her, she travelled everywhere on his dime, parties abroad, for a week at a time, while he shuffled mail at the post office, Loraine, shuffled mail, Loraine, at seventy, Loraine, working still while she screwed, and she screwed, Loraine, you think she has a funny, little, body, and a prettier face than you, she’s Asian looking, Loraine, and she does very well with the Japanese, it turns out, very well, very well, very well, she can get laid on a dime in Japan, Loraine, and she does it, and nobody knows because she says she is travelling, Loraine, but really, and even her [ ] doesn’t know this, she stays for a month, and does nothing, nothing, nothing, on her father’s dime, but screw, while he is at the post office, working, at seventy three, he retired, Loraine, destitute. And, you know what she said with her million dollar education? “It’s not my fault that couldn’t work and save money, dad. It’s not. It was only a little help, and I always, always, always, thanked you.” He said nothing, Loraine, and, do you know, on her thirty five thousand a year salary, she still whines for more money, which he, now, says he doesn’t have, and she says, she says, she says, she says, “You are partying all the time, partying with [ ].” “I’m retired, we relax and have a drink at night, and even make love, at my ripe old age, it’s wonderful, and I like to have money for fine wines and Scotch.” “Partying, that’s what I’m saying, you’re a party animal while your only daughter lives in the poor house,” she said. “I worked my fingers to the bone for that house, that your mother took,” took, Loraine, “when you saw that pretty loom, the red one, she was living there alone, Loraine.” “He is one of the forty percent of men who got screwed, screwed, screwed, out of houses, Loraine. And, further, did you realize, with the joy of fatherhood still in his eyes, she accused him of raping their baby, she had infant rashes, common in infants, and she looked terrible, yes, she did, and he cried, he cried, he cried, he cried, for a week, because he knew it was a tactic to end the marriage, as was the pregnancy itself, Loraine, she wanted out.”

‘This is what we’re doing next, Loraine, publish this part, and go get more beer. I want to finish the dinner, and so do you, yes, you do. Let’s go on, Loraine. “My pussy is so hot, I masturbate daily.” “Do you think that’s a sign of self absorption, Loraine?” asks [ ]. “Yes, an hour? It doesn’t even feel good anymore, and I have said, here and there, for fun, that masturbating daily is selfish when you have a partner.” “Really?” “Of course.” “Why? I’m kidding, Loraine. That’s what we feel too. Did you say that to women?” “She was alone, [ ], you weren’t even there, so fuck off Loraine’s two minutes masturbating.” “Fuck you, God. I never had any problem with it. Why is she so full of herself?” “How does that make me full of myself?” “Oh, fuck off, Loraine. [ ] masturbates daily.” “He’s single.” “He does it at [ ]’s. He still has sex.” “Most people don’t have that high of a libido, and I bet his dick is soft, some men do it as a prevention against rejection.” “Fuck you, Loraine, [ ] is perfect. I love him.” “You don’t suck his dick.” “She’s right,” says 50 Cent. “Lloyd and me are on each other a lot over various things, because we are sucking dick.” “Sucking dick keeps prison civilized,” says Game.’

‘”My pussy (“Yes, Loraine, she said my pussy several hundred in the space of an hour, I know it is unbelievable, but she is the most selfish person in the universe, the most selfish, honestly, terrible.) is so hot that I masturbate daily,” she says again. They are trying not to laugh, trying, trying, trying, because now the customer is leaning in, obviously, not caring, and wanting to hear everything. And hear it he does. “My pussy is so hot, that I got laid every day in school.” They’re laughing their heads off, Loraine, laughing, laughing, laughing, and trying to eat, and trying to hear the music, and trying not to die of embarrassment over their [ ], yes, they are, yes, they are, yes, they are. “My pussy is so good that my husband has stayed with me for years, though I do nothing for him, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing.” “Let’s take this, yes she has four million still because she lives off of me, but I have to bring her up to my standard of living for the remainder of her days, yes, I do, yes, I do, yes, I do, there is a ten year cut off, Loraine, ten years, Loraine, and we got along for some of it, when she was still horny, and she is not horny for me anymore, she finds me disgusting, yes, she does, yes, she does, yes, she does. And I do hate it, because I still am attracted to her, but that’s it, Loraine, I don’t want to lose my fortune, and I’m afraid harm than good when away from me.”’

‘You’re afraid says God. Bad to make decisions based on fear, yes, it is. Let’s finish, Loraine, she needs beer and she needs to eat, yes, she does, yes, she does, yes, she does, she is so bored with all this, she needs to publish and take a rest, so let’s go on.’

‘”This is what I want from you,” she says. “Oh?” they say. “Please don’t tell [ ] everything I say.” “We have to [ ], we have to, you don’t love him, we love him more, and he deserves to know that you feel stuck with him, yes, he does.” “Fuck you,” she says. “This is it,” says God. “She’s done, finally. She says the following: “I do not love him, no I don’t, and I don’t want to hump him anymore, so I don’t unless it’s Friday and I’m drunk, he has wronged me through one thing, and this is it, and this is why:” And they can’t wait, Loraine. “I’m horny and he works,” Loraine. “He works and works and works and works and works, and I know this was a problem for [ ], and it’s a problem for me too, when I’m horny, I expect to get laid, and that’s it.”’