#literally the only reason I dont leave twitter for good is that there really arent any fandom update accounts on tumblr

[hylianane]

We’re getting a Zoro novel ladies and gents lets pop the BIGGEST bottles

[reservedlisting]

I normally dont make posts on tumblr but considering I dont want to continue harassing people on discord with my thoughts about hotd I'm gonna rant here :') this is literally just for me and i dont expect anyone to read this or make any sense of my insane ramblings.

this show is SO SO SO SO SOOOO SO0O0O0O0O00o0oo0o0o0o0o baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad! I could and have written an entire thesis about it so I won't do that here but my god it's offensively bad.

The way that women are written and in turn men are written in juxtaposition to women. As a woman I am genuinely offended and Im dutch and me so I dont get easily offended. Yes, I have some issues with how George writes women and girls but fundamentally women are allowed to be humans and be flawed but also have those flaws pointed out in the story. In that way men and women arent any differently written in asoiaf.

Hotd women are allowed to be flawed (Only Alicent's flaws are lingered on though) but also lets gloss over it when its convenient so that we can pretend women are all just peaceful little lambs and its the evil men that want bloodshed (Nvm rhaenyra having the servant killed so she can marry Daemon and have her husband leave under threat, alicent having larys burn Mysaria's house down, Rhaenys literally having the highest body count by committing acts of terrorism during the coronation). Until we are actually given a Very Good Reason :tm: the reason being this prophecy bullshit that has infused the show with the worst writing imaginable. They didn't learn from season 1 when everyone already hated the prophecy inclusion, nope they just doubled down on it. Just having to hear rhaenyra yap yap yap about this shit made me wish I was aborted like the alicole baby.

Its also so funny how they're like ah yes we'll have this person call rhaenyra a whore or a cunt so that we are in fact reminded that these are bad people that we shouldnt support. Like wow thanks for that signal show, I didnt pick up your more "subtle" clues. Then i have to see tweets with 20k+ likes about how criston deserves to die.. not daemon though for actually choking rhaenyra or calling alicent a whore (because the audience actually agrees with that lbr)

Then there is the BLATANT biased. It's about as subtle as a brick to the face. Condal (who is a clown for many reasons) pretending theres some kind of equality between the sides doesn't actually make it so. it's so obvious that they want everyone to support Rhaenyra and despite her completely irrational behaviour. Oh no those sexist lords in the council, meanwhile she's been off for days on end and then comes back with nothing to offer and then leaves AGAIN. As if these men arent risking their own hides by supporting her. Ofc Rhaenyra wants to go to war but is "smartly" talked out of it because "ohno cant risk you" and meanwhile everything that Aegon does is painted as stupid even though they almost work out.

Why am I supposed to think Aegon is an idiot for thinking that a king needs to be on the front line? as they have been many times throughout history? Of course he's gonna be pissed when they make plans without him. And then you have useless Alicent, never have I been turned off a favourite character so quickly and I genuinely loved her in s1, they really had to try very hard here but they've managed to make me dislike her. You're not logan roy girl, youre just boring as fuck and contribute absolutely nothing. Maybe you shouldve actually tried to prepare Aegon for rule in the decades since he was born instead of whining about how your evil sons dont listen to you.

its funny how tb people on twitter were made about comparison posts about aegon and alicent vs paul atreides and Lady Jessica. Because somehow Paul killing 61 billion people is less bad than whatever Alicent and Aegon do... meanwhile I'm actually mad that Alicent isn't in fact remotely like lady jessica. I genuinely wish she was because at least that would make her compelling. Instead of this useless figure we see now. Her relationship with her children especially aegon was always fraught. But she clearly loved them. Despite my hate hate relationship with ep8 that moment between Aegon and Alicent in the carriage and in the dragonpit was one of the best moments. Now even that is ruined.

The blatant bias really shone through in episode 4 to the point that I just had to laugh. And then reading what condal has to say or what TGC said they wanted him to do. I might as well be reading tb fanfic on ao3 and I might get to read a fairer treatment of the characters.

The fact that we also have seen extensive scenes of tb with their dragons but sunfyre, the most beautiful dragon and Aegon, the two that have the strongest bond get about 1 sec cause god forbid people actually like Aegon and see a human side to him. Ofc Condal said that was propaganda and that Syrax the golden was actually his fave dragon (truly a clown of a man).

On top of that they just pile all the shit on Aegon but ofc we must remember that he is a rapist and we cannot support him. Funnily enough it's made him the most compelling character by a country mile. Actually might be the only compelling character atp.

Aemond is a clown, alicent ditto. Tb are all boring as shit. Cant even include a lil bit of bastard drama for rhaenys and corlys cause obviously she's soooo understanding. YAWN. She's also super courageous ofc. And then there's ofc the stans who will defend anything their fave does cause stan brainrot. Instead of calling out the shitty writing they'll just double down that their fave did nothing wrong (aka aemond and alicent stans mostly, cause i dont even see tb's idiotic takes most of the time)

And its such a waste cause they have this giant budget, it looks pretty and there's tiny glimpses of interesting things and themes here and there but these writers are simply not competent, they're in fact incompetent. Half the show reads as fanfic and i say that with all due respect to fanfic as an avid reader.

then there's also the fact that they manage to create zero emotional connection with anyone so even scenes that are supposed to be good just arent. Like why the fuck would i give a shit about the cargyll twins killing eachother? cause you put some good music under it?

dont even get me started on b&c... i wasnt even planning on watching this season and i heard the complaints about b&c and i thought no way is it that bad. I saw gifsets they looked fine. And then I (stupidly) decided to tune in and I literally burst out in laughter cause the way it was filmed was just comical in places?!?! it was even worse than i had anticipated after the complaints somehow?!

Funnily enough sunfyre's cries were the only time I actually felt a strong emotion watching this show (other than the anger I feel at how bad this show is)

It's funny how people say that f&b bad and a dry historical account and sure but even then George manages to make me feel more about characters with one line that this show manages to do with all the power that a visual medium has.

and let me not forget about this show's sudden need to have its tongue firmly lodged up viserys' ass, what a great king indeed.

AANND then there's the PANDERING to the worst of the d*ny stans (who funnily enough dont even appreciate being pandered to so congrats condal). Rhaenyra is and never will be dany. This show is really written for the sansa will braid dany's hair crowd. Iykyk. Forcing in that friendship beyond the point of reason making the characters just acts stupid, and not in a people act stupid way but in its actually bad writing way. And then having to force in the prophecy even more for that and to give rhaenyra a righteous reason. And lets not forget the white stag in season 1 but sure Condal doesnt take sides Then the addition of the dragon eggs which he finally had to walk back probably cause he sensed the rancid vibes i was sending his way. Its so clear that HBO wants to sell their Boss Queen merch but then actually she's written in a way that's so bland and wants to take absolutely no action that there isnt really anything remotely boss bitch about her, completely coasting on young rhaenyra's personality cause older rhaenyra is again boring as shit. I guess now that she has Viserys' "permission" to rule she'll actually do something but i really dgaf at this point. But sell that merch I guess

Every time its some reviewer saying NOWWW the rREALLY great episode is coming on and every time im disappointed and episode 4 actually infuriated me to the point I had to stop watching and rant on discord several times.

this also never shouldve been the story told directly after game of thrones cause its so obvious how much theyve been influenced by it and writing in response to it, to its detriment. And now I'll never actually get to watch a good version of the dance. And if the viewership keeps dropping i might not see any good awoiaf adaptation again

I thought that after season 1 and the time jumps out of the way they might produce something half way decent but NOPE its somehow MUCH WORSE

Anyway hope Condal gets haunted like Daemon has been. Fuck him and this garbage show.

I havent even touched on everything here and this is completely incoherent but writing something coherent and semi intelligent is just more effort than this show is worth. Anyway call me when a knight of the seven kingdoms comes out, I can't imagine they could fuck that up. But who knows what new depths of shitness we might reach.

at least d&d had the decency to give us a few good seasons

[wawawawawawawawawawawawawa]

hiiiiiiii we havent sent you any asks for some time. mostly because kanra didnt front much

[idk if you can recognize us after all the url changes]

ereyesterday our their of pissed suggested getting into an outpatient psychward and told us to think about it. and silver[headmate] made a post on the tumbler saying that this could be a bad idea because somewhat recently i made a hole in a wall and less than a week ago Lyra messed up a cupboard. as if we're the only ones who on occasion damage stuff when angered. this is literally so mean for no reason.

also. a few months ago shinra had an accident with a knife. and we got a fun new 1 inch long scar and possibly a little bit of nerve damage or something. and we were supposed to get some reminder tetanus shot around a month after that since i had no idea when was my previous tetanus shot. and i uhhhhhhh didn't get it since i'm scared of doctors, and it would probably seem quite weird if i went to a doctor about this now

also im sorta balding but. scared of doctors so cant do anything about that

last sunday i was in some social studies class or some other shit. and the teacher said something about how lgbt people were never oppressed in this country. which is a very bold thing to say as someone living in a country in which like a quarter of the area declared itself a "lgbt free zone" and only calmed down a little when the european onion told them that that's probably illegal. and i decided to argue with the teacher a bit. one of the things she said was that sometimes there's dudes in pup masks on pride parades, which invokes disgust and thus should be banned, and. idk why but i kinda expected teachers to have a bit more common sense than 14 year old twitter users. also i came to school wearing a spiked dog collar on a regular basis. [for reasons unrelated to kink.]

well. good thing i'm failing every single one of my classes lmao. at least i won't be invoking disgust in fragile old ladies

also. i just met a doggy and he was very niceys. very soft and friendly. and polite also.

- toby

HOW COULD I NOT RECOGNIZE U MY BESTIE IN CHRIST <3 u changed ur url a binch of times but ur icon remained the same sdlfndnfkjsnsdf so i was able to keep track!

i however do not understand a single word of that first paragraph. if u want my advice, DO NOT. FUCKING GO. TO A PSYCH WARD!!!!! idfc Who it helped, it hurts a lot more than it helps, theres NO WAY to tell which psych wards are good and which are shit. no really let me go thru them all rn:

REFERRALS: most professionals that work in different offices do not know each other on a personal level and may never hear of their bad stories. a doctor that was the chillest coolest doctor id ever met referred me to a psychiatrist that sucked fucking ass shit. there is no way to know for sure

GOOGLE REVIEWS: im gonna b real i dont trust some of those mfs. you seen the guys that go into psych wards? a lot of mentally ill people r internalizers and just accept whatever happens to them, and even if they arent, society looks down on the mentally ill SO MUCH that they could b told "you deserve this bc ur crazy" and due to all this societal gaslighting, theyd agree

REVIEWS ON OTHER WEBSITES: same thing lol

why is this so important? because you cannot Fucking leave a psych ward. an outpatient ward yeah you can leave, but ive been to both in and outpatient and they excert the same level of bullshit control over their patients. in outpatient, one of the therapist told me "you are not mentally ill" and made me cry lol. she MEANT to mean it in a "you're not mentally ill, you're ~suffering from a mental illness~ uwu dont let ur disorder define you" kinda way, but that concept was introduced in therapy..... two days after she told me this. like hello? and then she tried to spin it as like, it was a problem with Me i.e. My PTSD Was Triggered and not She Is Dog Shit At Timing The Explaining Of Concepts.

this place also invited my abuser into group therapy even after me incessantly telling them "this is my abuser, she will use all this against me" and yeah guess what she did immidiatley after lol

dont go to wards.

WRT THE KNIFE: damn :0 thats insane dude, hopefully the nerve damage will heal but from experience its gonna take like, a few years at minimum lmao. i had a Knife Incident involving my pinky and the nerve damage was so bad that i couldnt hold scissors w my pinky in the scissor loop thing but evenchually it got better but it took like 4 years. if the knife was clean and not rusty ur risk of tetanus is pretty low i THINK, do not quote me on this. if ur scared of doctors, look into if ur pharmacy offers tetanus shots! some pharmacies have vaccinations other than flu and covid (which i need 2 get lol rip) so u might be able to get one THERE and not see A Doctor about it!

u dont need a doctor for the balding. minoxidil my dear boy, its at walmart, its the stuff thats in rogaine. you want "minoxidil 5%" thats whats in rogaine, theres "minoxidil 3%" thats For Girls but idk ive never heard of anyone having a problem w it. IT IS TOXIC TO CATS THOUGH IT IS VERY VERY TOXIC TO CATS IF YOU HAVE A CAT DO NOT LET THEM FUCKING TOUCH YOU OR RUB ON YOU UNTIL IT DRIES ok? :) id google more if i were u but boom. problem solved. i am the doctor now

"dog masks invoke disgust and should be banned" babygirl disgust is subjective and like, someone could use that logic to ban whatever YOU like, or Are. maybe someone is really disgusted by lil old ladies bc the wrinkles look gross as fuck to them. should we quarrantine the grandmas?

also lol at the dig against 14 year old internet puritans and then surprise surprise guess what happened on This Very Blog while this ask was sitting n collecting dust!! i gotta b on my best behavior bc theres a nonzero chance that The Feds will be looking at this blog (did u know u dont report cybercrime to local police and instead theres a form on the fbi's website? Well Now You Know!) and that goes 4 all of u too. bart please be good..... for the love of GOD please be good....... please tell me yall know that simpsons scene

also also yay doggy!! was it a regular dog or a dude in a pup mask? either way very fun n cool!!!

[sanstropfremir]

excited to see what you have to say about todays episode cause like the other person said, the stunts from the atz/skz/btob also looked lowkey awkward to watch lmao. i feel like the dance part cant really be judged against each other just based on how different they were. also the ikon/sf9/tbz rap performance was much more khiphop inspired while skz/atz/btob were basically "kpop group's rapline does a unit stage" if you know what i mean lmao. im curious to see if you're going to talk about the judges and how some of them were picked solely to have exposure👀 or if there might be a reasoning behind all of them (the dance girl i understand but like... okay)

also, i have to ask if you watched rtk and if you'd feel comfortable sharing who you think should've won/if the boyz deserved it? as a deobi i know its not that big of a deal but i was lowkey proud and stunned by them during rtk and while i think they're doing good on kingdom too, their performances became way too overwhelming/doesn't leave an impression after for my little brain 🙃 i love them tho. also not that you care but i wish they would represent more their full dance line, because juyeon is doing amazing but it can be mentally and physically tiring to be the ONE guy who does all the dance and center parts, like do it as a trio or smt dont push it all on him while there are ten others on the team

i hope you enjoyed my (very) long review and my apparently literally opposite opinions from everyone else! that’s a lie they’re not opposite, i'm just looking at very different things. thank you for also clocking that the performance stages were two different styles! i'm fairly certain the rankings arent out yet for that stage at least, so i'm not envious of the judges having to decide between two performances that are pretty much on opposite ends of the spectrum. also i did make a mistake in my review, i just watched the first half of the episode and they do in fact call it the dance stage, so that’s on me. my point still stands though, group dancing is still dancing.

as far as the judges go........why are we upset about them.....? honestly they all seem fine to me. i mean, i can understand people being pressed about s*ju because they make people mad by just existing, apparently, but that doesnt negate the fact that they have nearly two decades of experience in the industry. if they arent going to have changmin do any judging than they might as well get some other sm vets, since yanno, they did kinda establish the industry (sm, not s*ju. although s*ju is the first kpop group i ever remember hearing way back in like, 2008. in canada. before having a personal device with internet access. sooooooo). and i mean, we all have opinions on the separation of art and artist and everyone can draw their own boundaries of who they choose to consume the work of, and that’s valid. i have lots of those lines too. but you can’t deny the sheer amount of experience, and shindong is a director and music video producer, so he ain’t stupid. i dont see any problems with having a lineup of some idol veterans, a frankly incredible choreographer, and some producers. oh wait, are people mad about the rookies????? why are people mad about the rookies?????????????? huh????????????? have people forgotten that rookies spend literal YEARS training before they even debut??? they’re not incompetent, they’re members of the industry that have worked hard to be there and have valid opinions and abilities to recognize what they think is good?? also.......what’s wrong with doing something for exposure? how do you think groups get popular in the first place? fuck, the prize for kingdom is a variety/reality show! which is exposure! you know that’s how arts marketing works, right? if you want people to listen to your music, you have to advertise it to people. you need an audience. if a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, does it sell thousands of albums? thousands of tickets? why are you invalidating artists on the basis of wanting more exposure? are you worried they’re not going to ‘judge fairly’??? you know none of these groups' reputations are going to be hurt by their placement in the show, right. these are all high level groups already, with established brand rep. THEY are doing this show for exposure too. is this what people are complaining about on twitter?? so every stan account promoting fancams and comeback dates under hit tweets has to delete them now because artists aren’t allowed to do anything for exposure anymore. ?????? am i too old??? what happened to make people think that exposure was bad???

i have only watched the stages from rtk, and not while the show was airing, so i dont really have any context for the show as a whole. do i think they deserved to win? i dont really think anyone ‘deserves’ to win a competition show, but they did produce a couple of phenomenal stages, so was i surprised? no. personally i would have picked pentagon because they had the best vocals and also they took a few more conceptual risks that paid off really well. their cover of follow is a fantastic remake and honestly we need more dramatic remakes like that, ones that really change up the sound. i made a couple of conclusions about tbz in my episode four review that are relevant here (they’re at the end of the tbz section). although tbz are good performers, the problem is theyre trying to showcase those skills by being heavily conceptual, but their creative team is ALL over the place and nothing is landing. I dont think they’re doing terrible in kingdom, they’re doing very well, but their creative team is not providing them with a stable conceptual base. i know i make designing sound relatively simple, but it's not at all. i'm just smart and very good at my job. there are a lot of mediocre designers out there, and tbz just do not have a good creative team for kingdom. and i do actually think it's a shame that they’re fronting juyeon so much, because one of their strengths IS their group work. they have a more of a contemporary flavour than most other groups at the moment and they can do some really sharp synchronization that should to be seen more. i wish they had actually done group work for the performance stage, because we’ve already seen juyeon do a solo stage, plus he has solos in all the stages. give him a break and let the others have a chance to do something at least.

[yalek-lembine]

Let’s Talk Turkey: From An Observer Lembine’s perspective.

So, its been 23 years since my upbringing by two humans.  One of them did everything, while the other did nothing.  Who was the one that did everything?  Mother.  Father almost did nothing for us.  The result from mother’s everything and constant backlash: A stroke, and after, memory loss.  Not fucking joking.  1.  It leads to the first problem I am now currently having with this human race, especially for everyone I meet on the interwebs: Is the lack of sympathy, forgiveness, and love.  I have seen more *hate* being spread on the internet than ANYTHING ive ever seen on here.  Why is that, though?  Well, another reason, leading to several other reasons, I will explain it (#2), but will be saved for later. If you thought the internet was not dangerous:  Ohhh are you in for a treat: Everyday I come on the net expecting not to be tracked by various sites.  ABSOLUTELY WRONG.  A Simple browser **will** collect data from you.  That is illegal, and outrageous.  That means they are SPYING on you, without your consent, thus leading you to disconnect from the world, the webs, and everything else.  The only reason they do this: Convenience, and better experiences.  << MY LEMBINE ASSHOLE CONVIENCE AND BETTER EXPERIENCES....I come from a place where privacy & security is A BIG FAT DEAL.  I have about 5-10 videos on the tube under the name Yalek W, in various “Lettered videos” >> the most recent one being video Y: that describes what trackers are detected on the net.  It is NOT safe, and never will be safe.  A simple browser REFUSES to accept those terms from the user.  Do not EVER tell to my face “its the way it is yalek” << because I will block you.  Not joking.  Thats how serious I am.  And every website on the net, whether it’d be Youtube, tumblr, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Google, even a simple browser.  And providing your personal info on the net, WILL LITERALLY DEFEAT YOUR IDENTITY FOR GOOD.  DO NOT EVER DO THAT.  Your birthdate, SSN, not even your fucking ID.  The only exception is paypal.  PayPal is basically to their eyes “a financial insitution” > and works with several banks..Problem is, they arent like banks.  Theyre just “a financial institution” > just to pay for stuff, or to make money and transfer money.  The reason I only went on paypal was to provide money to my commissions, to Inukuroo Arts.  I have no facebook, and BTW, no furaffinity as those administrators are assholes and dont know the fuck to run a website properly. << I had to secure my account from a watcher that turned into a child groomer.  He was a great artist turned into that.  And I voiced my displeasure, and got those admins triggered.  Guess what?  They messed with the wrong Lembine.  So FurAffinity admins, fuck yourselves for being foolish and disrespectful to my own identity. 

2.  Now thats out of the way.  Let’s move on to the “other half”.  Over the course of 10-20 years, I have seen a shift in political parties from right to left, slowly but surely.  Which TBFH, is not really a problem of my own.  But what is a problem, is the constant complaining of those biased sides, and those people not being able to look inside their fucking gut to form their own conclusions.  The only reason they support their own parties is to be biased, >>instead of looking at ALL sources, or none at all. <<That is the ONLY way one will surpass the intelligence levels of these idiotic assfucks called politcally insane people.  If this statement is called out, you are the problem, and you do not deserve to be forgiven in the slightest form whatsoever. 3.  I do NOT care if somebody is leftist, rightist, communist, socialist, republican, naziist, christian, muslim, islamic, has a psychological problem, or was a criminal.  Or even a fucking murderer.  **Use your FUCKING GODGIVEN BRAIN, HEART AND BODY CORRECTLY.** Or dont live.  Simple.  4.  I am now leaving each follower of mine, and future followers with this mindset and observation in mind.  I will also follow up on the other piece of observation Ive been noticing >> in relations to civilizational evolution.

[thetowerupright]

this is absolute word vomit. sorry in advance.

i started a new med and my psychiatrist said to take it in the morning bc it wont make me as drowsy as the last anxiety med, but when picking up my med the pharmacist said I absolutely need to take it at night bc i’ll get extremely drowsy. i decided to take it bc i had a horrible panic attack at walgreens so it would help me sleep. so i took it at midnight and laid in bed until 2:45 just not being able to sleep :) sooo i guess the med fought against my actual sleep med and now im wide awake :)) ANYWAYS these are all of my thoughts since midnight

1. i had to delete my twitter app bc i like going on there at night and signing petitions bc there’s so many resources for them on twitter. however so many people are coming out about being raped or molested which is good bc i want people to tell their stories but holy shit it is so triggering. just seeing stories and details like i go on and i have to log off a short time later bc im so triggered. it sucks because i want to be there for people but i cant do that if im triggered ya kno?

2. i have always loved amy winehouse for so many reasons but when i sing one of her songs it’s the only time i feel confident in my singing. she was just such a gem and it makes me so sad to know i’ll never be able to see her live. i’ll go a couple months without listening to her and then a song will come on shuffle and she’s all i listen to for the next 24 hours i love her so much

3. going back to singing, god damn. i miss that shit. i miss performing and being on stage and singing and dancing and acting. i posted a video of me singing on tik tok and i keep almost deleting it because i sound so terrible. i am so terribly out of practice. the other day i found like the tap dance side of tik tok and i almost bought myself some tap shoes and a floor set so i could start tap again. i still remember so much lol but like my singing im so out of practice. bc of my rapist and shitty people in high school i feel like i sound so fucking terrible and have so much anxiety singing infront of people. it sucks i just wanna work on the fear

4. i heard recently that people with anxiety will tend to watch the same tv and movies over and over and over again bc their brain already knows how it ends, and i felt so snatched!!! i restarted the office last week, soooo this is my 13th time watching it. ive watched 5 seasons in like 9 days. and when i finish it (which will probably be in the next couple days) ya kno what im gonna do? PLAY SEASON ONE EPISODE ONE lmfao the office is my tv show weighted blanket

5. i realized that since deleting my instagram soooo much tension has left me. like not just in my body but my soul as well. that shit is just so extremely toxic. im glad i deleted my account and dont have the pressures in my life to please people on social media. i did get a little annoyed tho bc people kept messaging me wanting an explanation and i dont owe anyone shit! however it was fucking hysterical when i put out 24 hours before deleting it that i was leaving and all the men actively in my dms were messaging me all upset like HONEY you’ll be FINE go masturbate to someone else GOOD BYE

6. my savage x fenty package was suppose to be here monday and still isnt here :) so im in nashville and it went from indianapolis, to memphis, to louisville, and is supposedly in nashville as of tonight. like they went south and passed me, then was in the SAME STATE, went NORTH OF ME, and now it’s here. it was also shipped by fedex and i haaate fedex because similar shit like this ALLLLLWAYS happens!! honestly im only frustrated bc im so use to my amazon packages being at my house 4-48 hours later. i say 4 hours bc last month i order something at 4am and it was delivered to my house at 8am that day lol

7. i saw a tik tok about rape that said hey guess what every 7 years you have new cells so in 7 years you’ll have a body that was never touched by your rapist. im happy bc nov 11 will be 7 years since the start of everything so those cells will be gone. but he raped me in february so that’ll be another 7 years for new cells. it’s nice to know i’ll have new cells one day that arent touched by him, but as i sit here typing this i can still feel where he first touched me in nov 2013 and i wish i could burn all my skin off

8. in the last 2 days i have eaten....3 bites of a grilled cheese. :)) like ive gone to eat and just the smell of food makes me so sick. i wish i could go back to my attempt in april and be like “hey frankie yeah uhhhhh dont do this...for obvious reasons ofc but also bc you literally will not eat food for months!!!” i cant tell you how many times ive gotten food i love and taken a bite and it’s soooo gooood and then after two or three more bites my body is like “NOOOOOPE ABORT MISSION”

9. it’s almost a year since rileys death. i’m trying to keep myself distracted as best i can. it’s hard though. i miss them so much. i feel so empty sometimes without them physically being in my life anymore. a year has passed and i still find myself picking up my phone to talk to them. ive gone through this pain before and i know it gets better it truly does. but right now it’s hard and painful and absolutely heartbreaking and soul shattering. i hope whatever happens after death, riley is okay. theyre happy and free and their soul is more alive than it was on earth.

10. i felt suicidal today and for a moment yesterday for the first time in awhiiiile. not actively or wanting to do harm to myself, but just not wanting to live anymore. when i talked to my resident about it today and how i was dealing with it, he said i was doing a really really good job. and that he was proud of me. i didnt cry then but when he went to get the psychiatrist that was subbing in for mine, i did cry a little. i wish i heard more that people were proud of me. i’ll appreciate that from anyone, but i fucking wish my family would tell me that. they never really have, going all the way into childhood to now. idk i just feel like nobody is proud but im trying so fucking hard.

11. the sun is rising and it’s so pretty outside. despite everything, this week is going well. it’s not like fantastic or anything, but i feel a little more lively this week than the past several weeks. a few weeks ago i looked at myself in the mirror and started sobbing. not just because i hate how i look and my body. but because i saw no light or life in my eyes. i took a selfie a couple days ago, and i saw a little light and life again. im not gonna say things are better, but things are very very slowly improving. just gotta do the next right thing. ttyl :)