#look i know this ask is a joke but i love overexplaining stuff. i love being a nerd. im sowwy🫶

[daenystheedreamer]

i thoght the yaoi thing was joke? :(

its /hj. tbc i haaaate most yaoi the majority of it is tasteless voyeuristic erotica which isnt like an evil thing to make but still extremely bad. i think its funny and i mostly read it cos its hilarious. more thoughts under the cut

it's misrepresented and #misunderstood especially by western gay people. its not representation, it's not 'led by queer people', and the difference between 'yaoi' and 'boy's love' is marginal. it's predominantly heterosexual women who enjoy writing drawing reading two (or more..) guys fuck which is fine. yaoi vs bl is often used as both a categorical distinction (yaoi is erotica, bl isn't) and a moral one (yaoi is cringe/homophobic/bad and bl is pure/wholesome/untainted) which is like fundamentally so wrong if you know anything about the genre.

the history is really interesting. It's roots are firmly in shojou manga, as in, explicitly for young women. early works are often taboo-breaking and deal with sexual abuse, incest, etc. an early muse for the genre was bjorn andressen as tadzio in the film 'death in venice' and if you know anything about that film and andressen says A Lot. shonen ai (literally boy love) was originally a term which was pederastic in nature but became the name for the genre. to crib from the wikipedia article cos it summarises it well:

While the term shōnen-ai historically connoted ephebophilia or pederasty, beginning in the 1970s it was used to describe a new genre of shōjo manga (girls' manga) featuring romance between bishōnen (lit. "beautiful boys"), a term for androgynous or effeminate male characters. Early shōnen-ai works were inspired by European literature, the writings of Taruho Inagaki, and the Bildungsroman genre Shōnen-ai often features references to literature, history, science, and philosophy; Suzuki describes the genre as being "pedantic" and "difficult to understand", with "philosophical and abstract musings" that challenged young readers who were often only able to understand the references and deeper themes as they grew older.

Yaoi, on the other hand:

Coined in the late 1970s by manga artists Yasuko Sakata and Akiko Hatsu, yaoi is a portmanteau of yama nashi, ochi nashi, imi nashi (山[場]なし、落ちなし、意味なし), which translates to "no climax, no point, no meaning".[f] Initially used by artists as a self-deprecating and ironic euphemism, the portmanteau refers to how early yaoi works typically focused on sex to the exclusion of plot and character development; it is also a subversive reference to the classical Japanese narrative structure of introduction, development, twist, and conclusion

by the way, that [f] note is: "The acronym yamete, oshiri ga itai (やめて お尻が 痛い, "stop, my ass hurts!") is also less commonly used."

Like the term fujoshi, meaning 'rotten girl', is the same it's very silly and self-deprecating. That's so fun! I think the yaoi genre in general is a really interesting phenomena that's rooted so deeply in Japan as a culture. I think it's great that women are able to sincerely enjoy something fun, I think it's great that women were able and continue to have successful careers in writing, and I also think it's mostly bad.

A lot of modern stuff, especially the works getting pumped out of korea by genuinely evil webtoon companies, suffer from the fundamental problems with serialisation. It putters from chapter to chapter and every single one is the same as the other. A lot of Japanese bl/yaoi is in the form of short fiction, about 5-10 chapters, and again there are fundamental problems with this. they often suffer from too much crammed in AND from so little stretched thin.

I also think yes morally or 'representationally' or whatever they are like Pretty cringe. like sorry uke/seme is BAD. sexual assault is not even handled so much as it is kicked around. Women are non-existent at best and horrifically sexist at worst. Also the writing, though ofc i read (often fan-) translated works, just sucks.

You guys don't know how bad it gets. like ok example.... it's hard giving examples cos most of its just boring or bad in a lame way. okay there's this korean rom-com drama webtoon about a boss and his employee and the boss is actually an immortal snake-deity who fell in love with this guy and his employee is the reincarnation of that guy. sounds fine right? well the snake boss has two dicks. So.

[favoniuscodex]

Hewwo I really love your writing and I want to improve my own to a form similar to yours. If it's okay, can I ask what your writing process is or if you have any writing tips? Sorry if you already answered questions like this. I am not a native speaker by the way, can i also ask about how you built your vocabulary as well? Thank you very much in advance and I hope you're having a great day/night! Drink lots of water and don't forget to eat three meals a day.~

hello, anon! you’re actually the first to ask about something like this and i’m honored you think my writing is good enough for me to give advice on (and honored that you think it’s good enough to take inspiration from!).

i have two different writing methods, which are as follows:

long fics (10k+ words)

i write an outline and have my friends look over it to make sure that the scenes are both impactful and enjoyable, along with being organized. the most important part of writing a long story is making sure the timeline is coherent and that you have proper buildup to the climax of the story.

before i write a scene that contains foreshadowing to a future event, i write down what themes i wish to convey with this scene, along with any future information that will be relevant later in the story. this is helpful because you never write something all at once if it’s this long! you might forget important details, so having notes is always nice.

if i’m hesitant on writing a scene, i’ll talk it out with some of my friends and see if i’m still comfortable with writing it.

one of the biggest things i can recommend is being adaptable! being willing to change your story plans is crucial, because (typically) the first idea you think of isn’t always the best one. in my own experience, i change my ideas a lot as i write something. this is because i will get bored writing otherwise.

this is from my own experience, other writers may disagree, but i NEVER set word count goals for myself. i write when i want to write, otherwise i will get discouraged when i do not meet said goals.

take breaks or you will hit burnout fast!

have a glass of water and set a timer every 15 minutes to relax your eyes from your screen and drink some of it. it gives your mind a chance to soothe itself from the bright lights of a screen and also gives you a short break. and you stay hydrated!

short fics (<10k words)

when i write short fics, i typically don’t have an outline (unless if it’s a series) and i just go with my gut

if i don’t really like where a story’s going and i know it’s short, i finish it anyways because a finished product is better than giving up in my eyes? at least i know what not to do next time!

sorry a lot of these tips don’t pertain to actual writing! they relate more to planning. :( i’ve been writing stories for fun since i was 6 or 7 (i have journals upon journals of my first stories in my basement!) so most of what i do is just... gut instinct at this point? i apologize if that’s not very helpful of me to say. ;.; i don’t think of myself as very talented but like... i wish to say this in case it happens: please don’t compare your writing to mine! i’m sure your writing is lovely in its own right.

now that that’s said, here’s some stuff i can actually help with, which is under the cut because this is getting long:

word choice / vocabulary

first off, the best thing you can do for yourself is read something complex. like... the type of book where you have to pull out your phone and look up what words mean. if you’re not exposing yourself to new words, even if it is annoying to have to pause, you won’t learn new words.

this typically means ditching the fanfics and looking for actual published novels, typically older ones. i love fanfics (i write them lol), but the word choice in fanfics is typically limited to casual conversational language as they are written for fun, not necessarily to challenge the mind.

next, the best thing you can do is use a thesaurus. i personally use thesaurus.com but it’s different for everyone! but this is dangerous. using a thesaurus can be one of the worst things you can do for your writing if you don’t use it properly. you use a thesaurus to get synonyms for words that are commonly used, but may have a lot of other alternatives (i.e. happy, sad, etc.) and NOT super specific words.

ONLY use words listed as synonyms in a thesaurus if you know them and it’s safe to assume your readers likely know them as well! for example, i used the word ‘insouciant’ as a joke in my last fic. however, if i used that seriously, that probably would’ve been bad as it’s a SUPER rare word. nothing will ruin a reader’s experience faster than a story that blatantly uses too many words from a thesaurus and, worst of all, uses them improperly.

let me give an example:

starting text: “she was happy to see that he had returned safely. she could see relief in his eyes that she was safe as well. he smiled happily at her as she ran into his arms.” this is good enough, but it’s rather plain. it’s an easy read, but nothing about it is super engrossing.

good thesaurus example: “she was overjoyed to see that he had returned without harm. she identified relief in his eyes that she had stayed out of harm’s way as well. he smiled enthusiastically at her as she sprinted into his embrace.” it sounds a lot nicer before and definitely more polished, but nothing about this requires someone to whip out their phone in frustration to google a word. the point of typical writing is not to challenge your reader’s intelligence but to entertain them.

bad thesaurus example: “she was jocular to perceive that he had reappeared in an unharmed manner. she prognosticated solace in his blue orbs that she was guarded as well. he smiled jovially at her as she charged into his forelimbs.” this is a bit of an exaggerated example, but this is actually how i feel some authors tend to write. it’s very blatantly using a thesaurus, it uses words incorrectly, and it overcomplicated things to where it feels like the reader has to do a mental exercise to read it.

tl;dr for this section: if you don’t know a word, do not use it. if you are familiar with a word, it’s probably good to use as long as your writing still seems natural. thesauruses are your friend but can be your enemy.

i would like to clarify that i am a native speaker and it’s not necessary to read books forever in order to keep your grammar and word choice up to date. i have not picked up an actual published book within the last 4 years (don’t laugh at me i know this is bad). however, in learning to expand your grammar, reading books is essential.

some miscellaneous writing tips i have include:

you don’t have to take every request that comes within your inbox if you do decide to do tumblr writing. i probably, much to the behest of the people that submit, throw a good chunk of my requests out. write what you’re passionate about and your writing will improve and your followers will be happier.

if someone criticizes your writing, this does not mean they’re trying to criticize you (usually. don’t go on twitter if you want this to remain true). they are providing something most people don’t want to offer: advice. many times you will find yourself surrounded by people who will applaud you for writing nearly anything. this is not good. living in an echo chamber will ensure that your writing never improves. you want to ask people for advice and find those who will give you genuine advice, even if it may hurt to hear.

try to discern what authors you like do with their writing versus authors you don’t like. consciously making these comparisons will allow you to directly apply them to your own writing and help you emulate someone’s style as well.

please don’t write meme references into your work. it will get outdated fast. try to write something you can look back on within a few years and not cringe at. :) this is just my personal opinion lol, someone might disagree.

i do not proofread my writing. it makes me second guess everything. everything on my blog, as you see it, lacks proofreading, aside from inheritance, in which i had a beta reader glance over it. for beginner writers, this is probably shit advice if you’re not used to grammar BUT that’s just how i roll and i wished to share that.

the most important thing i do for my writing is have a good music playlist in the background. NOTHING will make you write better than listening to music that fits the mood of what you’re writing. find a premade youtube playlist or slap together a spotify playlist of songs you think fit the mood and get grooving to it. you’ll find that you’ll write better and you’ll enjoy the process of writing much more with the mental stimulus.

don’t write jokes in which you have to overexplain them. if you have to explain to the reader what the joke is, it won’t be funny. humor is difficult to write, but no jokes involved are better than a bunch of failed ones.

don’t worry about pinpointing fanfic characterization of a specific character perfectly. i get praises for my characterization of diluc and kaeya within inheritance a lot, even though i specifically altered them from canon (??????? this confuses me a lot that i get praised for this but anyways) and haven’t even read the webtoon. as long as it’s within reasonable expectation, you should be fine. zhongli shouldn’t be written as going off the walls crazy with excitement just like venti shouldn’t be written as super serious about frivolous matters. as long as you get the general gist of a character, people will enjoy it.

try to find some writer friends. they don’t necessarily have to be in the fandom, but being able to shoot off ideas with other people is amazing at improving both your plot and your writing overall. (shoutout to @shannara because for as much as i annoy him, he’s always willing to listen to me blab about any story and any idea, even though he doesn’t read reader-inserts nor should he care about my dumb OCs, but he cares about mine because he’s a cool dude)

don’t get discouraged if a fic doesn’t get good reception. in fact, it’s probably better if your first few fics don’t blow up in popularity if you do post them because it’s humbling and you can decide if you’re actually writing because you enjoy it or if you’re just doing it for clout.

i hope this made sense and if you (or any other people reading this!) need any more writing advice, my ask box and DMs are always open. if you ever want me to beta read something, please send a DM and i’ll see if i can as long as it’s like... not super long and i have spare time.

sorry this turned out to be so long but it turns out i had far more to say than i thought! good luck writing and i believe in you!

[jynxes]

Leather n’ Red - Reggie Peters

Summary: Much like the deceased boys of Sunset Curve, Duchess died right before the gig that could’ve been her band’s big break. Thing is, she left the dark room a little earlier than they did, made a couple friends and learned a few tricks. What will happen when she and the boys can be seen when singing with Julie, the only alive person that can see them all? 

Paring: Reggie Peters x Duchess Himura (OC)

Word count: 2.3k

A/N: This is my first JATP fic so I’m sorry if some parts seem ooc. Also this book can be found on Wattpad if you prefer to read it there.

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Prologue // The Ballerina Necklace

June 25, 2005, The Orpheum

"Come on! One, two, three!" Marisa yells, hitting her drumsticks together before we begin the soundcheck.

Danielle begins strumming her guitar and we start singing.

"Can't count the years on one hand that we've been together I need the other one to hold you Make you feel, make you feel better It's not a walk in the park to love each other But when our fingers interlock, can't deny, can't deny, you're the worth it

Some things just, some things just make sense And one of those is you and I Some things just, some things just make sense And even after all this time

I'm into you Baby not a day goes by that I'm not into you

I should be over all the butterflies but I'm into you, I'm into you And even baby our worst nights I'm into you, I'm into you Let 'em wonder how we got this far, 'Cause I don't really need to wonder at all Yeah after all this time I'm still into you I'm still into you I'm still into you."

We finish and Danielle runs over to my mic, "We're Moonrise Edge!"

"Tell your friends!" I chime in with a smile and pick up my keytar from the song before Still Into You. We're all smiling and can't wait for tonight, tonight we're the opening act in the Orpheum, I KNOW, how amazing is that?!

"We KILLED that sound check! It was amazing!" Marisa says after giving me a quick kiss.

"Yeah, too bad it was only a soundcheck. Tonight is gonna be amazing though, it's gonna be PACKED with people and we're definitely gonna get signed by a label if we perform like that," Dani brags.

"For sure! Then we're gonna sell a bunch of albums and get a tour!" I begin adding onto the fantasy we're gonna live after we perform tonight.

"Wow, you guys were great," a voice says, and we turn, who is it but rock god TREVOR WILSON.

While I'm too busy freaking out internally Marisa is completely calm, "Thanks dude, we can't wait to open for you tonight."

"It is gonna be awesome," Dani grins.

"Oh! We didn't introduce ourselves, I'm Marisa, this is Danielle, or Dani," she says pointing to the dark-skinned girl, "And finally this is Duchess or Doll," the Hispanic girl points to me.

"Well I think you're definitely gonna go far," Trevor compliments, "What got you guys into music?"

"Thanks," I finally find my voice, "We were always kinda into music but then we heard of this old band that was kinda big like, I don't know, ten years ago? It was called Sunset Curve, some of them died from like food poisoning or something. Anyway, we heard their demo and loved it so much that we wanted to become a band."

"Yeah, that's why we chose the name 'Moonrise Edge' because of 'Sunset Curve' it was supposed to be a bit like a joke but then we started getting gig so it kinda stuck," Marisa adds on.

"Oh, okay, well I gotta go do my soundcheck," Trevor says hurriedly, seeming to get really nervous.

"Okay, see you later," Dani yells after him.

"That was weird," Marisa says.

"Yeah, it was. I wonder what it was all about," I say before putting my hand in the pocket of my leather jacket, feeling around.

"He's famous, famous people are always weird and doing weird stuff," Dani rationalizes, when I feel nothing in my pockets, I begin patting down my red flannel skirt.

"Whatever, let's just get back to our dressing room," Marisa suggests, then she turns to me, "What is with you? What are you looking for?"

"I can't find my necklace," I say, fumbling in my bag, "Where is it?"

"Why do you even need your necklace?" Dani says, "I know it's your lucky charm, but we just played that soundcheck and crushed it, meaning you don't need it to play well."

"I know, I know, it's just that I've had the necklace for each of our gigs and we always crushed it. Soundchecks don't matter, the gigs do, so it's the same with the necklace," I explain, I've had the necklace with me for each milestone of the band. When we heard Sunset Curve's demo, when we formed Moonrise Edge, when we got our first gig and finally when we were asked to play the Orpheum.

"Look, it might be in the dressing room, let's check, yeah?" Marisa says helpfully.

"Okay, yeah, let's check," I say, and we enter the dressing room. We search and we search, and we search, and the necklace is nowhere to be found.

"Wait, I think I remember where it is!" Dani yells suddenly.

"Where? Where?" I ask worriedly.

"Do you remember when we were at Mari's and we were getting changed?"

"Yeah," I say, "Get to the point!"

"It fell off in Mari's room. I told you when we were leaving, and I thought you got it because you were the last to leave. You mustn't have heard me," Dani sighs.

"Oh damn!" I facepalm, "What time is it?"

"Right now it is 6:17pm," Marisa looks at the clock.

"Okay, it's a ten-minute drive each way, just drive to mine and you'll be back with plenty of time to perform," Marisa says calmly, trying to soothe my nerves.

"Okay, okay, I'll go get it, Dani do you mind if I take your car?" I ask, while grabbing my bag.

"Sure, think fast," she says, throwing me her keys.

I catch them and begin running out the door, "I'll be right back!"

"See you, I love you, Doll," Marisa shouts.

"I love you too Mari!"

I get into Dani's car and turn the key, I reverse out of the parking spot and get out onto the road. I take the right turn and stop at the red light. I go ahead when the light turns green but suddenly, I'm going sideways, I feel a pain in my side then all I can see is black.

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July 15, 2020

I've been in this dark room for like forty-five minutes now. It's pretty boring. Basically what happened was that when I began driving again after the light turned green some asshole decided not to stop for HIS red light and he hit into me. The car turned sideways and smashed into a building, I was dead before the car stopped moving. Then I floated out of the car, I knew I was dead, and I was transported to this weird dark room. And here I am.

I start to hear music, then I realize it's Still Into You from the Moonrise Edge demo, then the music is distorted, and the ground of the dark room seems to dissolve.

I scream a little as I fall on my back. I then stand up and look around, I'm in someone's room. Then I hear the voice of a little boy.

"Who are you?" I turn around and see a Latino boy about ten or eleven with his jaw dropped.

"I- uh, I'm Duchess, who are you?" I stutter out.

"I'm Carlos, what are you doing in my room?"

"I actually have no idea," I tell him, "Last thing I remember is dying and then being in this dark room with nothing in it."

"You're dead?!" he exclaims.

"Yeah, wait, you're not? Where even am I?" I'm getting really confused now.

"You're in my room," he repeats from before, "In Los Feliz. How did you die?"

"I- Los Feliz? Wait, that where Mari lives," I realize, trying to figure out what the hell is going on.

"Who's Mari?" Carlos asks.

"Mari's my girlfriend, the drummer in my band," I overexplain to him for some reason.

"You're in a band? Cool! What's it called?"

"Moonrise Edge, we were supposed to play the Orpheum last night," I say, running my hand through my dark hair, "Wait, I wonder what they did, since I died and everything. Do you know what they did?"

"No, but I can look it up if you want," he says.

"Sure," I say.

"I'll be right back," he says before leaving the room. I walk around the room, looking at a baseball bat in the corner and a jersey lying on the bed with the number 7 on it.

Then Carlos comes rushing back into the room with some kind of device in his hand, "Okay, I've got my iPad, now what was the band called again?"

"Uh, Moonrise Edge," I say, suspicious of this 'iPad' device.

"Wow, you were in a band, and you did die, but not last night," he says, after typing on the device.

"What do you mean not last night?" I say, super confused at this point.

"You died in 2005, right?"

"Yes..."

"Well it's not 2005 anymore," he says carefully.

"What do you mean it's not 2005 anymore? I was only in that dark room for like forty-five minutes!"

"It's now 2020, you died fifteen years ago," he explains.

"WHAT!? IT'S BEEN FIFTEEN YEARS! I SPENT FIFTEEN YEARS IN SOLITUDE!?" I exclaim.

"Okay, uh, calm down, it's okay. It's okay, look, you're not alone anymore, you've got me. I'll help you with anything you need," Carlos tries to comfort me.

"But-but it wasn't that long, how has it been fifteen years?" I question.

"That, I don't know. All I know is that I'm here to keep you company, if you want. I can help you find out what happened to your bandmates, you parents or whatever and I'll get you up to speed on what you missed."

"You'd do that for me? Why?"

"Because, ghosts are pretty cool," he says simply.

"Okay aha, can we start with what happened to my bandmates?" I ask him.

"Yeah sure," he sits on his bed and ushers me to sit next to him.

"This," he points to the device in his hand, "is an iPad, it's like a computer but it's just the screen and it has a touchscreen, you use it like this," he explains, swiping his finger along the surface.

He then explains to me how to search things on it and looks up what happened to Dani and Marisa. Apparently, they went on and played the Orpheum gig without me, which I'm not mad about I mean they worked as hard as I did to get there, they deserved to play the gig. After playing they split up the band after that, believed to have done it out of respect for me, and became solo acts. Mari got signed to a label and was asked to join a band named 4 Orchids they've done a few tours and now she's living somewhere in New York. Dani went on to become a solo act and was also signed onto a label, she's done tours and collaborations and now she's living in San Francisco.

Carlos told me that if I wanted to stay in the garage behind his house. He told me that it was his mom's studio but ever since she sadly passed away last year no one's went into it. I thanked him and told him I was gonna stick around.

Then I decided to go and explore the streets of Los Angeles, see how things have changed since I died. I got to meet some cool celebrities that are dead, but I didn't make any friends today. I got to see Marilyn Monroe, gotta say, she's as hot in person as she was on film.

Before I go back to Carlos's house, I go to the house that Mari used to live in, which turns out to be next door to Carlos's. She doesn't live there anymore, but her parents do.

I walk in the hall and see the photos of Mari growing up, a couple pictures of her now and a picture of Mari, Dani and I before our first gig when we were 15. Then when I go into the living room where I see Mari's parents, Lydia and Victor, are watching something on TV. I see more picture of Mari with her parents, some with Mari and me, one of our unofficial pictures from prom, some with Mari and Dani and some with Mari and her cousins.

I go up the stairs and see Mari's bed is more or less the same as it was when I was still alive. When I go to her desk, I see my necklace lying there with a sticky note, 'Doll's necklace' is what's written. I lift my necklace and inspect the charm, the ballerina dangling from the chain. I take it and clasp it around my neck before leaving to go to Carlos's garage.

I explore Carlos's mom's studio and it's kinda cool. Up in the loft there are drums and a couple guitars, and also a bag of clothes, I don't know who owns the clothes so I'm not gonna take them. I check out the couch and it seems pretty comfortable, I lay down on it and try to go to sleep. After a few hours I realize that I don't actually need sleep, but it's an easy way to pass time.

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[kpopblurbs]

8:00pm

Pairing: Jae/Wonpil Word Count: 3.8k Tags: Porn With Plot, Sex Shop AU, Sex Toys, Anal Sex, Anal Plug, Hair-pulling, Vibrator, Slight sub!Jae, Sungjin is there for banter A/N: owo whats this? a sex shop au written by someone who actually works at a sex shop?? Real talk tho what wonpil does is exactly what every creep that comes into the shop i work at wishes i would do Smutmas Masterlist AO3 Link

Wonpil sighed as he paced around the store, fixing the items that customers had messed up and making sure that everything was as it should be before returning to the front counter. "Morning shift sucks," he said as he propped an arm up on the counter to rest his chin on.

"Yeah well, better this than dealing with the drunks." Sungjin responded without looking up from his book.

"I dunno I think that's fun, they at least laugh at my jokes," Wonpil pouted.

"They're drunk, their judgment is impaired."

"You're crabby in the morning."

"And you have too much energy."

Wonpil opened his mouth to respond when the door chime rang out indicating the arrival of a customer. Immediately the smaller boy walked in the direction of the door spouting his usual, "Hi, welcome, looking for anything specific today?" upon seeing the boy who had entered. He was much taller than Wonpil, a bit thinner too but above all else he seemed very nervous.

"No, I uh, I'm just looking," the boy said and Wonpil smiled.

"First time in a sex shop?" Wonpil asked.

"Uh- yeah," the boy said, refusing to make eye contact with Wonpil.

"Well if you have any questions at all don't hesitate to ask, this is a judgment free zone I promise," Wonpil said in his best reassuring voice.

The boy nodded, mumbling a "Thanks,'" before wandering off into the store. Wonpil let out a sigh, he had been hoping for something to do but it seemed like the boy was going to be one of those customers that wanted to be left alone and likely didn't buy anything.

"Why don't people want help?" Wonpil asked with a pout as he returned to the counter.

"Sex is an awkward topic for most people," Sungjin responded, still not looking up from his book.

"Whatcha readin'?" Wonpil asked, peering over the counter to make his best attempt at reading the words on the page though it was upside down for him.

Sungjin sighed, "A very interesting book that I would love to read in peace."

"But what else am I supposed to do if not continue to bother you?"

"Go clean something," Sungjin said, grabbing a rag from behind the counter and tossing it to Wonpil, "Preferably near the guy who came in, make sure he's not stealing."

Wonpil sighed overdramatically but grabbed the rag and headed off in the direction of the boy. He picked a section where he could keep an eye on the boy before beginning to dust all the merchandise in that section.

It wasn't long until he was interrupted by the sound of someone clearing their throat. He looked up to see the boy standing next to him, "Can you, uh, help me?" he asked and Wonpil smiled.

"Of course!" he said, stuffing the rag into the pocket of his apron, "What can I help you with?"

"Well, I was, uh, looking for something to help me, yknow..." the boy trailed off awkwardly before making an awkward jerking motion with his fist.

"Oh we have a ton of stuff for masturbation," Wonpil said, his straightforward tone making the boy blush slightly. He led the boy to a wall stocked full of various fleshlights and masturbators and began to explain the differences between all of them.

Wonpil could tell the boy was getting a little overwhelmed and stopped himself from continuing to overexplain the wall, opting instead to grab a smaller off-brand fleshlight and hand it to the boy. "I know you're new to this so trust me when I say that's the one you want to start with, if you like it you can invest in a better one, if not, throw it out like nothing happened," Wonpil explained.

"Do you, uh, do you have one that doesn't look like a..." the boy started, trailing off and allowing Wonpil to cut him off.

"Vagina? Of course, do you want ass or mouth?"

The boy blinked slowly, "The first one," he said and Wonpil nodded, grabbing the toy out of the boys hand and replacing it with the correct one. 

"Anything else I can help you with?"

“No, I think that’s it,” the boy said, giving Wonpil a small smile that made his heart flutter.

“Alright, well feel free to wander around for as long as you want but if you’re done then Sungjin up at the counter can help you check out,” Wonpil said with a smile, waiting for the boy to nod before turning around and going back to his cleaning.

He watched as the boy headed up to the counter and waited for the sound of the door chime indicating he had left before making his way back to the counter. “He was cute,” he said with a pout as he leaned on the glass countertop.

“Why do you insist on leaning on the counter when you know that means I’ll have to clean it?” Sungjin asked exasperatedly, finally looking at the smaller boy since helping the customer meant he had to close his book.

“I’ll clean it later, didn’t you think he was cute?” Wonpil asked.

“I mean yeah but he’s much more your type,” Sungjin responded with a shrug.

“You think?”

“Yeah, I mean you being all heart eyes over him is proof enough,”

“Fair point,” Wonpil sighed, “You think he’ll come back in?”

“He seemed happy when he left.”

Wonpil smiled, “Good.”

It was about a week later when the boy returned, once again stopping Wonpil from continuing to harass Sungjin out of boredom. This time he headed straight for the counter, surprising Sungjin and Wonpil who had missed the sound of the door due to their bickering. “Hi,” the boy said, catching both boys’ attention before settling his gaze on Wonpil, “I don’t know if you remember me but I was in here about a week ago?” the boy said asked.

Wonpil nodded, “Yeah, I remember, how’d that masturbator work for you?” 

The boy cleared his throat awkwardly, “That’s uh, actually what I was hoping to talk to you about, can we maybe uh..” the boy trailed off, tilting his head in a direction away from the front counter.

“Yeah of course,” Wonpil pushed himself away from the counter and lead the boy to the other side of the store, “What’s up?” he asked.

“Okay so,” the boy started, “I don’t even know if this is something you can help me with but I used the thing and it was like... disappointing?”

“Disappointing?” Wonpil asked, tilting his head curiously.

“Yeah, I dunno, it’s like I was expecting something but it just felt like..” he sighed, “It kindof just felt like using my hand but maybe like a little different?”

“Maybe you just need to get more comfortable with it?” Wonpil suggested.

“Like just use it more?”

“Yeah, like try again but, and I don’t know how you did it the first time but, try making like an experience out of it.”

“Like... how?”

“Well, yknow, drag it out, don’t just make it like a few strokes and you’re good, tease yourself with it.”

“I’ve, uh, I’ve never done that before,” the boy rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly, “I’m sure you have a lot more experience than I do,” he mumbled.

Wonpil was trying his hardest to keep himself from potentially making the boy uncomfortable by offering up some assistance but that task was proving incredibly difficult the more this cute boy talked. "I mean, I had to learn this knowledge too, though I will say it helped having my boyfriend at the time walk me through it," Wonpil said with a shrug.

"Oh so you're, uhm, you're gay?" the boy asked

"Yup," Wonpil responded with a smile.

"Oh, I uh, that's cool, uh, same," the boy mumbled awkwardly.

There was that little devil on Wonpil's shoulder again, pushing him to offer up his services, this time it was shouting at him too loud to ignore so he decided to test the waters. "Yknow, toys like this can definitely be more fun with a little help," Wonpil said, putting on his best customer service voice just in case the boy was less than receptive.

"I-I mean I don't really have anyone to help me so.." the boy trailed off with a shrug.

"Do you want someone to help you?"

"I mean, that'd be nice but finding someone is easier said than done," the boy responded, clearly not picking up on what Wonpil was implying.

"I dunno, help could be closer than you think."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You're dense," Wonpil said with a sigh, "Lucky you're cute."

"Hey!" the boy said before actually registering what Wonpil was saying, "Wait you think I'm cute?"

"What's your name?" Wonpil asked, preparing to make his offer perfectly clear.

"Oh, uh, it's Jae."

"Well, Jae, I’m Wonpil and I'm offering up my services and knowledge to help you figure out your new toy," Wonpil explained, enjoying the way Jae's cheeks turned pink as he talked.

"O-oh."

"Feel free to say no, but you're very cute, and I'm very gay, and I'm really good with my hands," Wonpil said, punctuating his last statement with a wink.

"I-I-" the boy started to talk before stopping to take a breath and collect himself, "I think that sounds nice."

Wonpil beamed, "Good!" he said happily, "Just wait right there for a second."

The boy nodded and Wonpil scurried off to the counter, "Gimme a pen and a sticky note, I'm trying to get a cute boy to dick me down, " he said to Sungjin as he slammed his hands down on the counter.

"Too much information," Sungjin said with a sigh before passing the requested items to the smaller boy. Wonpil scribbled down his phone number and grabbed the sticky note, tossing a "Thanks!" over his shoulder as he rushed back to Jae.

"Text me when you're free," Wonpil said as he handed the paper to Jae.

"Thanks, yeah, I will, is there, uh, anything I should buy, yknow while I'm here?" Jae asked.

"I can bring options, we'll experiment before I make you buy anything," Wonpil responded with a wink.

"Sounds good, I'll uh, I'll text you then," Jae said and Wonpil nodded, smiling brightly as Jae turned to leave. 

Wonpil waited until he had left the store before scurrying back to the counter, "Mission get cute boy to dick me down is a success,” he said happily.

“Congrats, buddy,” Sungjin said before reaching behind the counter and grabbing a basket full of items, “Now go put all this back out on the shelves.”

Wonpil sighed as he grabbed the basket, “You’re no fun,” he pouted before heading off to do what he was told.

Jae wound up texting Wonpil that day, the both of them settling on a night that week to meet up at Jae’s house. Wonpil was perfectly punctual, knocking on Jae’s door exactly when they had agreed to meet. The door swung open a few moments later, revealing Jae in casual clothes, his hair still wet from the shower he had to have just taken. “Oh, Wonpil, sorry I totally lost track of time, please come in,” Jae said, stepping aside and allowing the smaller boy to walk inside.

“You’re fine, I mean if all goes well we’re only gonna get messy right?” Wonpil said with a wink as he slipped past Jae.

Jae chuckled as he closed the door, “Fair point,” he said before taking a breath, “So, I’ve never done this before so like.. Bear with me.”

“No worries, we’ll move at your pace,” Wonpil said as he stepped closer to Jae, “That just means you’ll have to be the first to kiss me,” he continued lowly, looking up at the taller boy.

Jae gulped, “Can I kiss you?” he asked at a near whisper.

Wonpil nodded, “Please do.”

Jae closed the distance between them, bringing his hand to Wonpil’s cheek as he leaned down and pressed his lips gently to Wonpils. Jae was about to pull away when Wonpil reached up and grabbed him by the back of the neck, keeping him there to deepen the kiss. Jae squeaked in surprise but recovered quickly, falling into rhythm with Wonpil and even opening his mouth slightly and allowing the smaller boy to slip his tongue into Jae’s mouth. 

Wonpil moved his hand up from the back of Jae’s neck and into his hair, tangling his fingers into the strands and tugging gently. Jae let out a soft moan into the kiss before breaking it off, pulling back just barely enough to speak though their noses were almost touching. “What happened to moving at my pace?” Jae asked with a slight chuckle.

“I’m a very impatient person,” Wonpil responded with a shrug.

“Well maybe we should move at your pace, then,” Jae suggested.

Wonpil smiled, “In that case we should move this to your bedroom,” he said with a wink. Wonpil loosened his grip on Jae’s hair, allowing him to pull away and lead Wonpil to the bedroom.

As soon as they entered the room Wonpil dropped the bag that he had brought to the ground and pushed Jae onto the bed before climbing on top of him to reconnect their kiss. He brought one hand back to Jae’s hair to tug on it gently, Jae put his hands on Wonpil’s hips, squeezing gently as he tried to hold back the whine that bubbled up in his throat. This time it was Wonpil who broke the kiss, “Where’d you put the toy?” he asked as he sat up still straddling Jae.

“Drawer,” Jae said, gesturing to the bedside table. Wonpil crawled off of Jae, moving across the room to grab his bag and pull out a couple of items before returning to the bedside table and pulling Jae’s toy out of the drawer.

He tossed the items down on the bed next to Jae, “Yknow, in order for this to continue you’re gonna need to not be wearing pants,” Wonpil said with a wink. Jae was quick to react, shimmying out of his sweatpants and tossing them to the ground. He paused for a second before realizing that he hadn’t been wearing any underwear and bringing a hand up to cover himself shyly. Wonpil chuckled, “You’re cute, here, I’ll make it fair,” he said before shedding himself of his clothes. He reached down to pull Jae’s shirt up, the older boy lifting himself up to allow Wonpil to tug the fabric up over his head.

Wonpil tossed the shirt to the ground before crawling back up on the bed and sitting himself next to Jae. He brought a hand to Jae’s chest, using a finger to trace gentle patterns across his skin while his other hand went back to Jae’s hair. Jae squirmed awkwardly like he was unsure of what to do with himself, Wonpil decided to take mercy on the boy and moved his hand down. Jae gasped as Wonpil wrapped his hand around his dick, he stroked him a couple of times before realizing what he had forgotten and pulling away. Jae looked up at him with hurt in his eyes, “I brought some things,” Wonpil said.

Jae looked at him curiously, “Should I be nervous?” he asked.

“Only if you’re afraid of feeling good,” Wonpil said with a wink. He reached for the items on the bed, picking up the bottle of warming lube he brought and showing it to Jae, “Step one of my genius three step plan.”

Jae watched as Wonpil cracked open the lube and drizzled some over his hand before moving back to wrap his hand around Jae’s dick. Jae hissed at the cold sensation of the lube as Wonpil stroked him before he felt it start to warm up. Wonpil continued to stroke him slowly, his clean hand still tugging on Jae’s hair gently. With a particularly strong tug on his hair, Jae couldn’t hold back the low moan as his hips bucked up into Wonpil’s hand. Wonpil smiled, “So you like having your hair pulled,” he hummed, “We’ll play with that another time,” he said with a wink.

Wonpil pulled his hand away from Jae’s hair to grab the soft silicone fleshlight, “Let’s see if I can make you fall in love with this,” he said. He held it up for Jae to see before positioning it over Jae’s dick, using the hand that was already there to line Jae up with the opening before lowering the toy onto his dick. Jae let out a moan as Wonpil began to move the toy up and down, his pace quickening until he had Jae squirming beneath him.

“Pil -ah- please,” Jae gasped.

“What do you need?” Wonpil asked softly, not slowing down the pace of the toy.

“I need to cum, please,” Jae begged.

“Aw, do you need my permission? That’s so cute,” Wonpil cooed before pulling the toy completely off of Jae, “But I can’t let you cum so soon.”

Jae let out a whimper as his hips bucked desperately, “Please, no, please I-” he whined, cut off by Wonpil hushing him.

“Shh, baby, you’ll get to cum just not yet,” Wonpil soothed, waiting until Jae calmed down before sinking the toy back down on his dick. This time he picked up the other toy he had brought, a small vibrator that he promptly switched on and pressed to the outside of the fleshlight. Jae moaned loudly as the vibrations traveled through the silicone surrounding his dick, his hips bucked wildly as he tried to get more stimulation.

Eventually, Wonpil just held the toy still, letting Jae fuck up into it at his own pace, enjoying the way the older boy was falling apart in front of him. It didn’t take much longer for Jae to reach the edge again, he wasn’t subtle about it in the least, the movement of his hips was getting sloppier and his moans were louder and more desperate. Wonpil waited just a few more moments before turning off the vibrator and pulling the toy away.

“Come on,” Jae whined desperately, “Please, Piri, I need to cum please.”

“Wouldn’t you rather have the real thing, though?” Wonpil asked.

“Fuck, wait, seriously?”

Wonpil laughed, “You didn’t think you were gonna have all the fun did you?”

“I-I don’t know what I thought,” Jae responded.

“Cute,” Wonpil hummed before setting the toys down and moving back to straddle Jae. He grabbed Jae’s hand and moved it to his ass, “I try my best to think ahead,” he said as Jae felt the jewel on the end of the plug Wonpil had put in before he had arrived.

“Holy shit, Wonpil,” Jae muttered softly, “Can I?”

“Go for it,” Wonpil responded with a smile. Jae grabbed the end of the plug gently, pulling on it slowly and watching the way Wonpil’s brow furrowed as the plug moved. Jae experimented a bit, pulling it out just enough for Wonpil to feel the stretch before pushing it back in. “Now who’s a tease?” Wonpil said cheekily, trying to maintain his composure though there was a slight tremble to his voice.

“Karma’s a bitch,” Jae responded, wiggling the plug around gently so it brushed against Wonpil’s prostate making him let out a moan.

“If you -ah- if you don’t quit teasing I’ll never let you cum,” Wonpil said between gasps as Jae continued to wiggle the plug around.

Immediately Jae relented, pulling the plug out of Wonpil’s ass slowly and setting it to the side, “Not even gonna risk that,” he said making Wonpil let out a chuckle.

“Good boy,” he hummed, not missing the way Jae bit his lip, a hint of a blush ghosting his cheeks, “God, you’re like an endless list of kinks to explore,” Wonpil said with a smile.

“S-Shut up,” Jae responded quickly.

“Oh don’t worry we’ll experiment with that later,” Wonpil winked at Jae before reaching behind him and grabbing Jae’s dick gently. He lined Jae up with his hole before sinking down, letting out a low moan as he lowered himself down fully. He paused to let himself adjust to the intrusion, the plug had helped to prep him but the stretch still burned slightly.

Jae brought his hands to Wonpils hips, “Fuck, that toy sucks,” he gasped out.

“Hey, that’s not fair to the toy, I’m incomparable,” Wonpil said with a giggle.

“Yeah, you really are,” Jae responded. Wonpil winked before lifting himself up slowly until just the tip of Jae’s cock was still in him before sinking back down. Both boys let out a moan as Wonpil continued to ride Jae, he set a quick pace from the start. Having not gotten any attention yet, Wonpil was feeling particularly needy, his pace was sloppy from the start, paying no heed to accuracy as he chased his own high. Jae’s grip was tight on Wonpils hips, “Wonpil, please I’m close,” he whined desperately.

“Hold it back,” Wonpil instructed, stopping his movements to grind himself on Jae’s lap, maneuvering himself until he felt Jae’s dick brush against his prostate. Wonpil cried out as he kept that angle, going back to lifting himself up and sinking back down quickly so that Jae’s dick brushed his prostate every time.

“Fuck, shit, Wonpil please I can’t,” Jae gasped.

“Just -shit ah- just a little longer Jae,” Wonpil managed to get out between moans. Jae bit his lip, his face scrunched up as he did everything in his power to hold back his orgasm. Wonpil brought his hand up to wrap it around his own dick, jerking himself quickly until he felt his orgasm rapidly approaching. “Okay, I’m close, you can cum,” Wonpil gasped quickly. Almost immediately Jae was letting out a broken moan as he came, Wonpil following close behind, his release landing on Jae’s stomach as he worked himself through his orgasm. 

Wonpil waited until they both caught their breaths before lifting himself off of Jae, biting his lip at the feeling of Jae’s cum leaking out of his hole. “Shower?” he asked hopefully.

“Definitely,” Jae responded, waiting for Wonpil to get up before following suit and leading the way to the bathroom. Jae turned on the shower and they waited for the water to get warm before hopping in. Both boys helped each other get clean, Wonpil giggling occasionally as Jae ghosted his hands across the smaller boys body.

Once they were clean they hopped out of the shower, drying off quickly before heading back to the bedroom. “Tired or hungry?” Jae asked as they both collapsed back in bed.

“Hmmm, both,” Wonpil said with a smile.

“How about we order take out and then you can stay here tonight?” Jae offered.

“That sounds great,” Wonpil responded happily, snuggling into Jae’s side as the older boy grabbed his phone so they could pick a place to order from.

[willows-wonder-wall]

How hard is it for you to approach new people you want to interact with? What’s a good way to start talking to you if people are scared to? What is something you want people to know right away about yourself? What’s a way someone could ease the anxiety of unfamiliar conversation?

Warning: This is long. I have a bad habit of overexplaining.

How hard is it for you to approach new people you want to interact with?

This is probably as good a chance to say this as ever as it also will give an idea of how hard it is for me to approach people. But I have been trying to find excuses to interact with you (and a few other people) for daaaaaays.

The problem is I always feel like I need an invitation before doing anything. Even if I were to see something that invites anyone to interact, (for example things like "send ❄ to throw a snowball at my muse) a part of my brain always goes "that's excluding you".

Any contact I do initiate takes a lot of bravery for me, especially since I do tend to take rejection hard (I am working on that, it's just kinda complicated. Basically my mind see's it as a failure on my part.) So yea it's about that hard to approach new people lol. Especially with rp as I'm not very confident in my writing at all. But just to let you know before I lose any bravery, I'd love for Rachel and Willow to interact. I just don't know how to get that done.

What's a good way to start talking to you if people are scared to?

Something important to remember is that I am most likely more scared of you than you are of me. However once conversation starts I am usually pretty friendly I think! Sometimes I have trouble shutting up once I feel safe lol. Although I will if you tell me to, but please be nice about it. It's also important to remember that if I am following you I definitely do want to talk to you, I just haven't been able to psych myself up enough.

I hope this doesn't sound creepy, but as an example I actually had been following Xelyn's Simon blog for quite a bit before I started sending anonymous asks, and before that I would look at their blog without actually following. I also get nervous I'll get blocked when I follow people.

I will also say that if you're scared to talk, I don't mind DM's, asks, etc. Please don't be shy!

What is something you want people to know right away about yourself?

It is very easy for me to feel like I've done something wrong, this doesn't mean I can't handle like jokes and stuff. It just means I need time to figure put vibes and what is and isn't directed at me. Stuff like that. Please be aware that if I am repeatedly apologizing, it is not to annoy you. It is something I am working on.

Also if I make typos (in rp, idc about them as much through text lol) I wanna die inside and am way too hard on myself for it so please don't point it out unless you really can't understand what is being said because of it.

What's a way someone could ease the anxiety of unfamiliar conversation?

Just being civil and talking tbh, sometimes you may needa take the lead though. Not all the time of course, but I do have trouble starting conversation at times, especially if I feel unwanted. Sometimes it's not even because of the other person, it's just my mind saying,"hey, you're being annoying "

But yea if you wanna talk to me please do, that goes for anyone reading this tbh. Especially people I follow!!! Like for real I genuinely can't tell if this is you showing you're interested or just taking pity on me >.> Sorry this took so long to reply to! I was sleeping haha

[i-just-really-like-ladies]

Hey op, I saw your post about discovering you were autistic. Something similar is happening to me except I haven't gone for a diagnosis yet. Would it be okay for you to talk about how you knew?

For me there are things that...fit really well, that hit very close to home, but others not so, so Im not sure if whatever it is that I've got (because clearly, something is there.) I'm not very sure if the autistic spectrum can be so wide as for me to be included in it.

Any tips?

Of course, happy to help.

For me there were three kind of bigger indicators.

First, and after discussing this one with my therapist, it seems to be very consistent across autistic people: I've always felt different. Like I knew that I was at the very least slightly off in comparison to other people. (Please excuse the phrasing, I couldn't think of another way to put it properly).

Second, linked with the first: I have always experienced this thing I like to describe as 'not feeling like a real person'. All that really means is that I see the way other people are out laughing boldly with friends or joking or just straight up experiencing the world, and I think "man, I wish I could be a real person." And it always made me sad because I was consciously realising that I cannot and do not experience the world in the same way most neurotypical people do. It was just this huge feeling of otherness. (My therapist indicated that this is very common)

Third: masking. Now, this one made me feel bad for a really long time because I had no clue what was going on until my ex-girlfriend was like "oh, yeah, that's masking." For me, one of the biggest ways I mask is to copy mannerisms and speech patterns of people I'm around. I do it the most when I really like someone (friend like or romantically) or when a person makes me so extremely uncomfortable that I guess my brain is like "you need to mimic them for safety reasons." The reason this one bothered me so much is that I always felt like I just couldn't have my own personality, why was I always copying other people, surely they've all noticed and think I'm a fucking weirdo. It was very upsetting until I learned it was masking. Finding that out has helped me to accept it when I do it, even though I am trying to mask less.

So, those are the big three. There are lots of other minor things. I have ocd, which very commonly goes hand in hand with Autism. I got that need for rigid schedule and following the same patterns almost daily (slight variations are okay, but people planning stuff and not telling me when I've already set up my personal schedule for the day in my head, big no no). I eat the same foods on repeat and have an extremely difficult time changing it up. When I like food or dislike it, the primary reason is texture. (My fiance actually pointed this one out. Apparently I talk about the texture of food a ton).

I'm sure you've probably come across information about the emotionality of Autistic people. The common trope is that we are very emotionless. However, thats not accurate at all. There are two main big categories of where we can fall: tending to not feel emotions very strongly (the trope), and feeling emotions very intensely, more intensely than neurotypical society says is appropriate 🙄. I fall into this category, and I hate it because I have spent so much time trying to just not feel my emotions because they are so intense and my expression of them is 'inappropriate' that it has caused a great many mental health issues for me. So the eye roll face is because I think that the appropriate expression of emotion dictated by most of society is stupid. Along with this one, I have a hard time verbalizing and verbally identifying how I am feeling. As a result, I tend to just tell people I am upset. My therapist says this is somewhat common amongst Autistic individuals. I cannot recall the reasoning she gave for it being common, but I am including it because it was brought up in the process of discussing all this.

I also have this huge tendency to overexplain my reasons for things I've done or said because I do not want to be misunderstood/I have experienced misunderstanding so many times that I learned to do this at some point (I consider this to be part of my masking). This one seems to be pretty common, at least from tiktok. I've seen a lot of Autistic people on tiktok mention it.

Side note in relation to this but still relevant to the post imo, I hate that society tends to think you are lying the more detail you provide. I have a tendency to find all details absolutely vital. So when telling someone about what happened in a situation, I relay as much information as I can. Apparently, that means you are lying. It frustrates me a lot.

In that same vein, another thing my therapist said is fairly common: many Autistic people like to ask why continuously. Not as in just repeating "why," but rather that someone will say "I don't know" or provide an answer, but we often are still seeking a further reason. I've done this my entire life, and booooy does it aggravate people. For me it is just that I want to know the reasoning behind things. I want to know as much information as possible about the topic, and, as mentioned above, I tend to find every single detail absolutely important. That just leads to continuously asking why.

So another one for me, of which I am unsure the commonality: I have a very difficult time maintaining friendships unless I see someone most days of the week. I would say about 5 out of the 7 makes it the easiest for me, but it has worked out on less than that, rarely. The reason for this is that I forget to talk to people when I cannot physically see them. I mean, I just don't think about it for weeks on end. Then I will for a second, but won't message them because I'm doing something, and then forget about it again for ages. Part of this is that I prefer in person communication because I can try to read people's body language and facial expressions. The other part is tone of voice is more clear in person than via text. Now, this one bothered me when I was trying to figure out if I was autistic because it is common for Autistic people to not recognise facial cues and body language the same way as neurotypical people. Turns out, according to my testing results paperwork, i just have a higher ability to recognise facial expressions than most people diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder. So, I just vary a bit from the average.

Within this same vein is the commonly known 'eye contact issue'. The stereotype is that we cannot and do not make eye contact. This is so false. Many Autistic people do not make eye contact well, yes, but not all. For example, I do. I told one of my brothers I was getting tested for Autism and his response was, and I quote literally here, "I don't think you're Autistic because you make eye contact." What he didn't know is the reason why I make eye contact. I do it because I was taught repeatedly that it is how you show people you are listening. So, basically, I'm masking when I make eye contact because I'm solely doing it to show someone I am listening to them. In fact, 😆 I commonly am sitting there telling myself to make eye contact in order to indicate that I am present and interested in what the other person is saying. I also have a harder time masking this way when attempting to talk about things that are important and emotionally relevant to me. In therapy, I rarely make eye contact with my therapist because it is so difficult to talk about things in general that I cannot also make eye contact. Lastly, for this one, the more comfortable I am with someone, the less I make eye contact with them. My fiance, for example, not very common at all that I do it.

There is also the very common special interests phenomenon. The media tends to show this as a math or science thing, but it really isn't. I follow one tiktoker whose special interest is bugs and, I believe, art. I highly recommend her. Her handle is: soundoftheforest. For me, it's language/linguistics and ancient egypt, Greece and Rome. Really, I'd say ancient anywhere history, but those are the big three. Egypt has been my longest interest, besides language. I actually remember the moment I was like "this is it for life." I was 7 and had finished my library books but was bored at daycare. So I went to the book shelf and picked up a book about King Tut. It was the page I read about the day Howard Carter found the tomb. And I just knew me and Ancient Egypt were meant to be forever. As for language, I've literally always been fascinated by it. I started speaking very early and with more complex words than is usual. And I just continued to love language from there. I ended up studying ancient Greek and Latin in college. Also, I info dump about these all the time, almost anytime I possibly can because they're so fucking cool. 😁

Another side note, it is common for Autistic individuals to have delays in speaking, I just did not. It is not something required for the diagnosis. It is just very common.

This one is a little bit weird, and might just be a me thing, but I've discussed it with my therapist. She indicated that it very much aligns with Autism. I cannot, or can but with extreme apprehension and knowledge that I will leave depressed; I simply cannot go into buildings of certain lighting, age, and design. It seems to be buildings that look and/or feel like they were built in the 1960s or 1970s. We haven't really figured out why that is a thing, but it is. I once didn't bother to finish applying for a job to teach Latin that I'd basically been guaranteed so long as I sent in the app because when I went for the interview I saw the building and knew I could not teach there, even part time, because the building would depress me constantly. It's a weird one, but if you have anything at all where you just cannot do it because you know it will affect you like this, I'd bring it up in discussing potentially being Autistic.

I nearly forgot to mention this one, but you've probably heard about the sensory issues that many Autistic people deal with. I have some with touching things, but it is less common an issue for me than my sound sensitivity issues. I am very sensitive to sound. If I had to give a 4th big reason, this would be it because I get overstimulated and overwhelmed by sound multiple times a day. Its rough. If you also have this issue, I cannot recommend enough noise cancelling headphones and chew stim toys when you don't have your headphones. It's really helpful.

This last one I'm going to mention is something that I think I do just to help prevent burnout from masking, but is also part of me specifically. I am an introvert. So that plays a role in this. I spend the vast majority of my time completely by myself. I do mean even when at home with my fiance. We are often in different rooms. I have no problem with it. It doesn't feel like it is bad for our relationship, thankfully. I just prefer to be alone most of the time. The more time I spend around people, the more time afterwards I need alone. That is partially my introvertedness but also me needing to because I am socially exhausted from masking and trying to read all the social cues and not make weird errors when in social settings 😳, which I do a lot. I think I just default to spending time by myself when I am not required to engage with people in order to ensure that I can later. Plus, in discussing this one with my therapist, we concluded that I do this at least in part to prevent burnout and overstimulation.

As for the testing itself. I discussed this with my therapist for a while when waiting to get tested, and by the time I did get tested, I had a nice long list of stuff to bring up. I would definitely recommend compiling a list of the symptoms/signs you feel are indicative for yourself. It was very quick after I first brought it up in therapy that I decided I needed the official diagnosis for myself. So my therapist gave me recommendations of who to see. I also looked myself because the recommended people were so booked they couldn't even schedule further out. Once I got it scheduled, I had to wait like 3 months for the appointments. So, if you are seeking the official diagnosis, don't give up because it's a long wait. From what I've seen others saying, it's pretty common to have to wait a bit to be seen.

There were 3 appointments, an intake, a testing, and a feedback appointment. The intake appointment involved me talking to the doctor about my experiences and why I thought I might be autistic. She asked me a few questions about the more commonly known signs of autism if I did not mention them. The testing appointment took about 4 hours and involved a self report personality assessment, several verbal and memory activities, a teaching activity, two story telling/creating activities, and (the part I thought was most difficult) an activity in which I had to identify the emotion being expressed by just the eye and eyebrow area of black and white photos of people. I also had a take home assessment for someone who knew me really well. It was related to executive functioning abilities and emotional regulation abilities. I cannot speak on the feedback appointment because of technical issues resulting in not actually having that appointment. I have rescheduled it and will be doing that later this month.

If you have anything more specific you want to ask me about, please do. I am happy to answer.