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demetriandelibinaryboyfriends · 2 years

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*throws this onto the tumblr and then collapses*

GOD

THIS TOOK SO MUCH LONGER THAN I THOUGHT I’M SO SORRY

SO ANYWAYS y’all remember when I said I owed everyone an Elimetri car makeout sesh on the homoerotic Mexico road trip, due to the gi-throwing business in 4x10 necessitating more Elimetri-Keenry parallels (I think in this post here)??? WELL, I was listening to the song Robby and Tory smooched to (this one, if you’re curious) and realized that, hilariously, it’s also an Elimetri song--hence the inspiration for this chapter! I’m doubling down on the car makeout parallels in every possible way and rest assured I have NO shame about it.

As always, big thank you to @xgardensinspace for helping with Spanish translations, the names of local flora and fauna, and giving me the idea of having Demetri find his own Bird Alter Ego! XD Also for informing me that there are an abundance of mangrove trees right around Demetri and Eli’s makeout spot, thus for better or for worse re-awakening my Rabid Ecology Nerd tendencies and making me feel the need to include them in the plot in some way XD

So someone in the Elimetri fandom mentioned they had a headcanon about Kyler knowing the binary boys since kindergarten, so I took that and rolled with it. Mans has been terrorizing our favorite gay nerds since grade school, and has no intention of stopping anytime soon!

Also trust me when I say that The Incident they talk about really is not too far off from how American elementary schools handle bullying...or at least how mine did -______- Like these bitch ass teachers will really have the audacity to say they “don’t care who started it” and then punish kids for retaliating to defend themselves, it’s insane

Some references to the Eli-looking-at-Demetri’s-lips scene in 2x09 because MY GOD like HOW do you explain that in a heterosexual way??? Like it’s such a bizarre acting choice if that scene was meant to be entirely platonic??? Like it absolutely read like Demetri was about to suck it up and finally tell Eli how he felt and Eli was like. Kinda down for it. If only Moon being nearby hadn’t fooled Eli into thinking he was Still Straight and dashed Dem’s hopes ;______;

Welp I really wanted to get this chapter out before S5 dropped, because it’s very saucy and that’s what the lads deserve, so...mission accomplished, I guess? XD

Quick disclaimer that I don’t mean SAUCY saucy because I am asexual af and have no desire to write straightuplegitexplicitsmut, but...this is defs the chapter where the sexy talk is the most blatant and direct lmaoooo

Anyways, read on for a deeper look at Eli’s vendetta against dioramas, another peek into Demetri and Yasmine’s doomed fling, and Demetri coming to a rather alarming realization!

Chapter 1: Here

Chapter 2: Here

Chapter 3: Here

Chapter 4: Here

Chapter 5: Here

All 5 previous chapters are also posted on my AO3, SummerPhlox!

Be warned, this chapter is a longboi!!! 9000+ words because I apparently have no chill! D:

***

The dashboard is warm against Demetri’s arms as he leans into it, the poor plastic still recovering from being cooked by desert sun all day. Sighing, he gazes out past the edge of the parking lot.

It isn’t a bad view. A tangle of fern-leaved green shrubs on the edge of the hill, a scraggly magenta bougainvillea tree, and the sprawling ocean beyond. It’s turning a paler blue as the sun lowers in the sky, sending golden ripples across the water.

Quite the spectacular luck they found this place. The GPS took them on some hilly backroad while trying frantically to avoid highway traffic, and they ended up stumbling on an empty parking lot right on the precipice of an overlook. Probably for a national park or something—if Mexico had national parks, anyhow.

In any case, no one seems interested in admiring out-of-the-way views or taking secluded hikes at 8 pm. He and Eli have the place to themselves.

Demetri shakes his head. “I cannot believe we made it here before sundown, with all the detours we took today.”

“Demetri, we took one detour. For, like, an hour.” He glances over to see his friend giving him an annoyed look.

“But we didn’t leave until 9 this morning,” Demetri retorts. “Per your request, I might add.”

“And yet here we are.” Eli smirks. “In Mazatlán, watching a beach sunset with no one to bother us. How do you find things to complain about when there isn’t anything to complain about?”

“Oh, I’m not complaining. I’m just shocked is all.” He whistles. “I must have been speeding on those highways more than I thought.”

Eli snickers. “Demetri the law-defying daredevil. Never thought I’d see the day.”

“Well, we haven’t gotten any enigmatic Spanish tickets yet. Why would we start now?”

To his surprise, Demetri finds himself easily smirking back. Some of his usual paranoia must be on vacation right now.

Eli’s eyes flick out the passenger window, and Demetri follows his gaze. Just past the bluff, the city sprawls out below them, yellow lights starting to blink on as the day fades.

It’s Eli’s turn to look concerned. His brow knits, and he glances back at Demetri.

“You sure we’ll find a hotel?”

“Oh, please.” Demetri rolls his eyes. “Half the people who come here this time of year are the lazy, irresponsible beach bum tourist type. You think they’re going to have the foresight to make hotel reservations?”

“I don’t know. Maybe.”

“We’ll be fine. I mean, we’re not staying in the Hilton or anything, but there’s some run-down ‘luxury hotel’ on every corner here.”

“Fair enough.”

Eli leans back in his seat, body slumping as he exhales.

A small, stilt-legged bird flutters over the bluff, landing on one of the scraggly bougainvillea branches. The creature fluffs up pale brown and white feathers as he begins to prune, nibbling at himself with a long, needle-like bill.

His head flicks up, catching sight of the car with tiny, dark eyes. The bird does not take the news well. He bobs his neck and tail up and down, letting out a series of shrill, high-pitched chirps not unlike chihuahua yaps. Even with rolled-up car windows, the bird’s infuriated cries refuse not to be heard.

“Hey, look.” Eli sniggers. “It’s you as a bird.”

“What!” Demetri scoffs. “How?!”

Eli shrugs. “Gangly. Neck too long. Weird, fussy neat freak. Loud. Never shuts up. Jerks every which way while never shutting up.”

“I do not jerk every which way when I talk!” Demetri insists, practically banging the back of his hands on the steering wheel as he frantically gestures to prove his point.

Eli breaks out laughing. “You just did!”

“That doesn’t count! That was very coordinated movement!”

“You…almost smacked both your hands at once.”

“But I didn’t!”

Outside, the bird continues to squawk away, as if the sound’s power can send the unwanted car careening back toward the huisache and fern-encrusted hillside across the road.

“He really won’t shut his mouth, huh?” Eli clicks his tongue. “The resemblance is uncanny.”

Demetri rolls his eyes, shooting his friend a searing look. “In any case,” he mutters. “I can’t believe we’re getting into a game of chicken with a fucking shorebird.”

“Good story for Miguel, at least.” Eli smirks. “I can’t wait to tell him all about the time Human Demetri lost to Bird Demetri.”

“Oh, I am not losing this one,” Demetri growls. He leans against the steering wheel and glares out at the lanky bird, now marching back and forth on ridiculous bright yellow legs.

“At least after a while you can tune him out,” Eli says. “Just like your subpar—”

Demetri punches his arm before he can finish, and Eli bursts out laughing again.

The bird continues to yap away, patrolling the tree branch and shooting them dirty looks. After the creature seems to finally accept he cannot rid himself of the humans and their great metal beast, he gives one last defiant fluff of his wings and flutters away.

“Seems like that’s a win for Human Demetri, Eli,” Demetri says smugly, crossing his arms. His friend sneers disapprovingly, but doesn’t argue.

Not far off, a flock of shorebirds is traversing the bay, yellow stilt legs dangling underneath them. Demetri catches glimpses of flickering wings glowing white and amber in the dying sunlight. The bird from the bougainvillea tree sweeps off in their direction, squawking a greeting as he goes.

“Ah, shit.” Eli leans against the dashboard, eyes suddenly eager. “If there’s that many shorebirds around here, there’s probably mangroves, too.”

“Mangroves?” Demetri raises his eyebrows. “Are those fair game to talk about again?”

“Why wouldn’t they b—you think I’m still pissed about the 4th grade diorama project?!” Eli’s buzzed head whips around to glare at him, blue eyes genuinely offended. “I’m not a fucking baby! That shit was years ago. I’m over it.”

“I just figured. Ya know.” Demetri makes a face. “Bad association?”

Eli rolls his eyes. “Maybe for you. I’m 17, Demetri—I’m not gonna bawl over a swamp tree the way I did when I was 10.”

Demetri scoffs. Eli’s slipped into the old habit of being prickly and difficult when he doesn’t want to open up, and Demetri’s not having it. If Eli wants to hide away in a stone-walled cave, then Demetri supposes he’ll have to grab a pickaxe and play some fucking Minecraft.

He groans, leaning against the back of the driver’s seat. “For years you aggressively changed the subject every time that whole thing came up. You think I didn’t notice?!”

Eli snorts. “Did not! You’re insane, dude. I was normal about it—you were the one who kept being weird.”

“Oh, sure.” Demetri rolls his eyes, grievously unconvinced. “That’s absolutely how it was. And anyways, you ‘bawled’ because Kyler was being a fucking jackass, Eli. You have to stop talking like you’re some kind of weakling for getting upset about…something that would upset any reasonable person.”

Eli frowns, gaze fixed on the now-empty bougainvillea. “It was embarrassing. I broke down in front of everyone.”

“Who wouldn’t?! You worked your ass off on that thing!”

“Yeah, and crying sure brought it back, didn’t it?” Eli sneers. Though he’s scowling, something in his expression is pained. “Just rebuilt the whole damn diorama after Kyler flushed all the mangroves and the plastic crabs and shit down the toilet.”

“You spent hours making those trees,” Demetri recalls. “Out of model magic. I’d never seen you look so concentrated.”

His friend shrugs, not meeting his eyes. “I wanted them to be accurate. I remember I read they can do this like…saltwater filtration thing through their roots, and I thought that was the coolest shit. Did this crazy deep dive into the chemistry of it. I wanted all the roots to be linked up and tangled like they actually are.”

“Complicated and intricate. Just like whatever’s going on in here.” Demetri thumps Eli on the side of the head, and his friend groans.

“It was a really good diorama, you know.” Demetri smiles weakly. “Probably the best in the class.”

Eli stares vacantly at the glove box. “And then Kyler happened,” he mumbles.

Demetri lets out a dry, humorless laugh. “And then Kyler happened,” he confirms wearily.

Scarred knuckles work against the fabric of the car seat, scratching into it with short nails. “God. I was so excited for that stupid presentation, too.”

“Oh, I know.” Demetri smiles, remembering the feeling of sun-warmed window glass against his cheek as Eli’s eager little voice filled the car. “You wouldn’t shut up about it the whole ride to school.”

“I put it down for two seconds.” Eli clenched a fist. “To get some shit out of my backpack, or…I d’know. The damn bell hadn’t even rung by the time that stupid fuck was running off with it.”

“I never thought he’d be that bold,” Demetri grumbles, folding his arms and resting his chin on the steering wheel. “I should’ve predicted it. Given you a head’s up before homeroom or something.”

“Wasn’t your fault. I was the one who wasn’t looking. But…” He takes a sharp breath, eyes flashing. “Didn’t feel any less shitty. All those fucking trees, into the sewer.”

“And after your dad 3D-printed all those little blue plastic bases, too,” Demetri laments. “To make it look like the roots were underwater. It was the coolest thing.”

Eli turns and gives him a steaming look, and he raises his hands in surrender. “Sorry, sorry, I’m not helping. Still working on regulating that good ol’ brain-to-mouth tract.”

His friend copies his posture, slumping onto the dashboard. “He got everything but the shorebirds.”

“Everything but the shorebirds,” Demetri repeats wistfully. “They fell out on the way to the bathroom. I picked a few of them up.”

“They weren’t like the one outside, though,” Eli adds, glancing at the empty tree branch where “bird Demetri” had been. “They were like…herons or some shit. I spent hours getting one to perch on the big tree in the middle. Then I had to just awkwardly lay it down on that easter basket stuff we used as eelgrass.”

“Well, they lost their habitat,” Demetri says, shrugging. “And the rest of their ecosystem. You unintentionally created a poignant commentary on the dangers of deforestation.”

Eli sniggers. “Still can’t believe you tried to convince Mrs. Hardass Anderson that that was intentional.”

Demetri winces slightly at the memory. “I really thought it would work. I remember I’d just gotten that disposable camera, and I was taking pictures of everything. I had every angle on your project known to man in there, and every single one of them got shoved in her face while I was insisting those were the ‘before’ pics in some kind of ‘before and after’ thing.”

He’s fairly sure he was also holding the bawling, 10-year-old Eli’s hand the entire time, since only one hand was needed to practically cram his disposable camera up their teacher’s nose. He has a feeling Eli would not appreciate him mentioning that part.

He frowns, looking away. “And then Kyler walks in…”

Eli scoffs. “The teacher aide lady overheard him bragging about flushing half my diorama and knew you were full of shit. She was such a bitch about it, too.”

“It was outrageous!” Demetri throws his hands in the air. “She gave me this huge lecture about how terrible it was to ‘cover’ for your friend’s bully, and shame on me for not telling the truth about what Kyler did! Like tattling on him did any good the last sixteen times I tried it.”

Eli shrugs, not meeting Demetri’s eyes. “At least she gave me a passing grade. I probably would’ve failed if you hadn’t said anything. And if you snitched on Kyler, he would’ve given both of us black eyes.”

Demetri shakes his head, lip curling in disgust. “Gotta love that lecture I heard her giving him later. ‘Kyler Park, you need to show more respect for your classmates! This is unacceptable behavior and not at all in line with the West Valley Elementary Code of Conduct!’”

Eli bursts out laughing as Demetri raises his voice into a high-pitched squawk. “Oh my god. Is that really all he got? Or did they call an emergency parent-teacher conference?”

“Worse.” Demetri smirks. “Principal Holloway assigned him a take-home anti-bullying workbook.”

Eli gawks at him. “No fucking way.”

“Yes fucking way.” He grins smugly. “I heard the popular kids whispering about it when they thought the ‘weird loser freaks’ weren’t paying attention. Apparently he poured orange juice all over the first two, and only filled out the third one when they threatened his recess privileges.”

“Oh, god.” Eli winced. “That does explain why he cracked down on making us miserable after that.”

Demetri nods solemnly. “Truly nothing motivates Kyler Park like good old-fashioned revenge. If he could, I’m guessing he’d pour seventeen more bottles of Pepto Bismol over Miguel’s head.”

“You know…” Eli grins slyly. “Principal Holloway and Counselor Blatt would get along. They should hook up.”

Demetri scowls, making a face as Eli bursts out laughing. “Okay, you’re right, but fuck you for making me think about Counselor Blatt having sex.”

Eli only laughs harder. “Your mind went there, dude, not mine! Get your brain out of the gutter, Demetri.”

“You suggested it!”

“Only because it’d be the funniest shit. Like…I don’t want to think about it either, but I do wonder how that would work.”

Demetri scoffs. “What would their foreplay even be? ‘Oooooh baby, tell me about your 20-step plan to combat cyberbullying in youths!’”

As his voice rises into a nasal squeak, Eli is laughing so hard he’s struggling for breath. Soon Demetri is laughing too, breaking into giggles before he can even finish his next Counselor Blatt impression.

As the laughter dies down, Demetri shakes his head, tears in his eyes. “Look on the bright side, Eli. I’ll bet the West Valley Elementary plumbing system suffered dearly from Kyler’s hijinks. Mrs. Anderson probably had to shit at home for days.”

“Oh my god.” Eli snorts. “I do wonder what the sewage treatment plant guys thought when all that stuff showed up.”

“I mean…it’s an elementary school, Eli. I’m sure that’s far from the weirdest thing kids have flushed into oblivion. I heard Jake Manson say he flushed a hot glue gun once.”

Eli sniggers. “Yeah, that tracks. Wonder whatever happened to that guy.”

Demetri sighs sadly. “Heard he got wrapped up in some pyramid scheme and lost his water polo scholarship.”

Eli hums thoughtfully. “Somehow very on-brand for him.”

Demetri gazes out the windshield. As the last of the sun lingers on the horizon, the ocean starts to darken to a deep, hazy teal, broken only by streaks of white wave caps breaking around distant islands. He smirks, suddenly realizing something.

“Eli…?”

“Hm?”

“Did you destroy my earth sciences model because you figured diorama-smashing was just what big, bad, scary bullies did? Or were you trying to avenge your mangroves, and forgot for a moment what dojo their murderer was in?”

“That’s not why I—HEY! Quit laughing!”

Demetri does not quit laughing.

“I’m sorry, it’s just—‘oooooh, Hawk Moskowitz, thrower of soccer balls, destroyer of dioramas! The height of avarice and malevolence! No more will he be the recipient of such terrible crimes against environmental models, you see—the tables have turned, and now he will be the one sending every last creature and plant and landform in his enemies’ meticulous and work-intensive project to an untimely death!’”

“Holy shit, Dem.” Despite his best efforts, Eli is laughing again. “You’re such a fucking weirdo.”

“Well, I’m glad you finally got some revenge for the fallen mangrove diorama.” Demetri leans over and swats Eli’s shoulder. “Your target may have been a little off, but I’m sure all those 3D-printed tree bases still appreciate it, from somewhere in the Los Angeles sewer system.”

“I guess it did feel nice to wreck a diorama,” Eli admits, cheeks flushing.

“And thus the destroyee becomes the destroyer!” Demetri crows. “The cycle is complete!”

For a long while they sit there laughing, barely wheezing anything out between cackles. When Demetri’s aching sides demand he stop, he glances over at Eli.

To his surprise, his friend has gone quiet. He’s frowning and staring forlornly at the dashboard, all traces of amusement gone.

Guilt twists in Demetri’s stomach.

“Hey,” he says softly. “I was joking around, you know I’m not still mad about the earth sciences thing—”

“It’s not that.”

Eli’s voice is unexpectedly harsh. Demetri winces.

“…what is it, then?”

Eli’s frown deepens, eyes boring a hole in the plastic of the dashboard and looking anywhere but Demetri’s. “I missed this.”

Demetri blinks in confusion. “Missed what?”

“I missed this.” Eli finally looks up, unfortunately donning the doe-eyed stare that always makes Demetri’s rational side fly out the window. “I missed you.”

For a moment, Demetri is lost for words.

Even with Cobra Kai in the distant past, Eli still clings so desperately to the notion that he needs to hide his “embarrassing” sentimental streak. For him to be this forward…

He crosses his arms, giving his friend a half smirk. “Are you just now realizing this?”

“No, idiot.” Eli groans, slumping down and practically banging his head on the dashboard. He lets out a shaky sigh.

“Fuck.” His voice is muffled when he speaks again. “I never should have pushed you away like I did.”

Demetri frowns. Eli must really be a mess about this if he’s considering another apology. “You don’t have to—”

“I know, I know,” Eli cuts him off. “You don’t want me to say sorry again. And I’m not. But I’m done making excuses for all the fucked shit I did to you.”

“You’re not—”

“Would you shut up and let me talk?!”

Eli snaps at him with surprising ferocity, looking up to fix him with an icy glare. Demetri raises his hands in surrender, gesturing for his friend to continue.

“I didn’t get it. I didn’t know why you didn’t want to change with me, and I couldn’t figure out why you were holding onto this…this version of me that everyone else thought was a pathetic piece of shit. And I think I got angry at you for it. For I guess…caring too much about the loser part of me that I fucking hated. I thought you had bad taste, and I couldn’t respect that.”

“Eli, you’re not a loser—”

“I’m not done.” The icy glare intensifies. Demetri once again forces himself to shut up, difficult though it is.

“It felt great,” Eli goes on. “Having people respect me for the first time in my life. And I wanted you to be there with me. I thought no matter what happened, you’d always be there with me. But…you flaunted the stuff I didn’t want anyone to see, and it freaked me out. I was scared if you stuck around, people would realize I was full of shit, and they’d go back to hating me. So I pushed you away.”

Demetri stares at him, dumbfounded. He hasn’t heard Eli be this articulate about his emotions in a long while.

Eli groans again, staring out into the sunset. “It was all so stupid. I should’ve told you all this. Maybe if we talked about it, we wouldn’t have ever—well, shit wouldn’t have gotten as bad. And we almost did, too.” He gives Demetri a sorrowful look. “You tried to make things right at Moon’s party. And I fucked it all up, because I couldn’t accept that someone cared about me for—for more than how many punches I could throw.”

Demetri shakes his head. “No, Eli, that’s on me. I was the one who went up and ran my mouth. It’s my fault everything started spiraling like it did.”

“You wouldn’t have run your mouth if I hadn’t been a shit to you all summer.” Eli gives him a stern look. “And then been even more shitty to you when you were willing to let it be water under the bridge or whatever. I just…”

He lets out a shaky breath. “I can’t believe I let you slip away like that, after everything we’ve been though. All because I was too much of a pussy to admit that you weren’t some…horrible, pathetic nerd for caring about all the shit in me I didn’t like. For reminding me of all the shit I didn’t want anyone to see. Leaving you behind, that whole thing—it was the biggest fucking mistake of my life.”

Demetri catches his breath. That’s no small claim.

“I should’ve fought for us to stay together,” Eli goes on. “Like we always have. But I gave up on you for practically nothing, and that was fucked.”

Demetri can’t argue with that. He doubts it will ever fully stop stinging, thinking of Eli turning on him so easily.

Eli gives him a long look. “I was fucking stupid to take you for granted.”

He sighs, smiling weakly.

“You know…I was pretty fucking stupid to take you for granted, too. It had always been us, and it—well, it didn’t even occur to me that there’d ever be a time you weren’t around. Always just…Demetri and Eli, binary brothers!”

He sings the theme in a grating voice, and Eli has to break his serious demeanor to moan.

“Anyways, I…” Demetri trails off, frowning. “All the crap we were going through with people picking on us…I didn’t realize it was hurting you like that. I mean, it sucked for me too, but I get it wasn’t the same. I should have listened to what you wanted, and not just…I don’t know. Assumed I knew what was best for both of us.”

“You were trying to protect me, though.” Though Eli sounds surly about the fact, he doesn’t seem angry.

“I thought I was. I figured if things stayed the way they were, they at least wouldn’t get worse.”

“I know.” Eli huffs, melting back down into the dashboard and lying his head against the plastic. “And I knew you were fucking wrong. That the only way wasn’t to just…wallow in misery or whatever. I should’ve fought harder to make you see that. So I could just…” His voice breaks slightly. “So I could keep you with me.”

“You…” Demetri studies the steering wheel. “You really wanted to?”

“More than anything.” He turns to see Eli looking at him so sincerely that he thinks he might break apart. “I wanted us to be in Cobra Kai together. I nagged you to rejoin for months.”

“I know. I remember.” Demetri chuckles. “I guess it seemed easier to let you and Miguel do the intimidating if people bothered us. You two seemed to enjoy it.��

“Yeah, but…” Eli huffed. “You had to know we weren’t always going to be around to protect your scrawny ass.”

“Denial’s a powerful thing, Eli.” His friend only rolls his eyes. “And when I got to be a part of your little karate world without Gym Class 2.0, I didn’t feel the need to get kicked in the face.”

“I was used to you always being the one who talked.” Eli sighs, leaning back. “I wanted people to notice me for once. And I guess I got high off it when they did.”

Demetri shakes his head, smiling sadly. “I was happy for you, you know. I wished I was brave enough to be like you. But I felt you drifting, and I guess I got more and more frantic to hold onto you.”

“You never should’ve felt the need,” Eli mutters. “You were the only constant in my life, and I tried to wreck whatever we had. All so I wouldn’t have to feel like I was a nerd anymore.”

He groans, leaning against the dashboard with his head in his hands. Demetri leans over the console box, putting a hand on Eli’s shoulder. “Hey…”

Eli props his chin on his hands, giving Demetri a sidelong glance.

“This whole thing…this trip…” Demetri uses his other hand to gesture abstractly. “It can be a fresh start. Maybe all the painful crap between us from the last year doesn’t have to hurt anymore.”

Eli snorts. “It can’t be that easy.”

“Sure it can.” Demetri laughs, giving his friend’s shoulder a light squeeze. “We forgave each other. And we’re together now. Isn’t that what matters?”

Eli’s brow furrows, but he doesn’t contradict him.

“I know it sucks,” Demetri goes on. “Everything that happened. And frankly, I was a massive idiot to assume you’d stick around when I wasn’t really willing to…you know, adapt to your new thing. When I couldn’t see that karate could be a good shtick for you, too. I’m sorry if I was dismissive.”

“You were adapting,” Eli argues. “You came to the tournament and Valley Fest. You bought all that fucking merchandise. You just wouldn’t take my shit, and I hated it.”

“Still. I could have handled it better.” Demetri smiles meekly. “But it’s all in the past now. Right now? This epic quest through the wilds of Mexico, filled with adventure and daring-do? Well, not to be a sap, but it’s a chance for us to make new, better memories together. And I promise you that this is what I’m going to remember in the end, not any vague flashes of ridiculous karate war nonsense.”

“You mean that?” Eli sits up, eyes widening hopefully. “You’re not just saying that?”

“Why would I?”

“‘I say a lot of things. It’s a very polarizing attribute of mine.’” Demetri winces as Eli mimics him in a high-pitched nasally voice.

“Okay, well.” He chuckles nervously. “Not this time. Pinky-swear on it?”

He brushes his hand off Eli’s shoulder, extending his pinky. Eli smiles timidly and takes it with his own.

When Eli looks up, something in his expression is different. There’s a sort of cautious curiosity, like there’s something he’s on the brink of wanting to reach for. A strange kind of wonder imagining what will happen if he does.

It’s as though Demetri’s blood has decided to rush through him at 3 times its normal speed. He sits stiff, breaths coming fast, eyes locked with Eli’s.

He hopes whatever nervous sweat he’s inevitably pumping out isn’t going to make him stink.

And suddenly he’s back at Moon’s party, across the couch from a recently-dumped Eli. He’s watching Eli inch toward him—red camouflage jacket, eager smile, eyes stealing glance after glance at his lips. He’s edging closer himself, every molecule in his body fluttering and screaming from the way Eli is looking at him.

And there he is, about to take advice from his least favorite martial arts studio in the entire world.

Strike first. Strike first. Strike first.

It was something Miguel told him earlier that summer—how Sensei Lawrence talked about how you needed to “go all in.” Fully commit. Make a move before someone else did. Not usually Demetri’s style, but he wasn’t the same wimp who used to hide behind Miguel and Eli—he was Miyagi Do now. He was learning karate and he was learning how to be brave, just like the rest of them.

And Demetri was done lying to himself about how he felt about Eli. No more cowardice, no more pretending “best friends” was good enough. He was going to grow a pair and tell the truth.

And then he saw how Eli looked at Moon, face crumpling like his heart was breaking in real time. He realized how absurd it was to ever think Eli would feel the same way. That Eli would ever feel that kind of longing for a boy.

And so he chickened out.

Still a pussy, Eli said. And he was right. If Demetri was anything but, he would have leaned across that couch and told Eli Moskowitz that he wanted to be with him. That he didn’t care about karate rivalries or unhinged senseis or unsafe dojo practices or ripping shirts off for no reason or insane hairdos or cheating at martial arts tournaments—he wanted to be with him. Eli could call the whole world pussies and parrot back every absurd thing his senseis said, and Demetri would still want to hold him.

But they’re not at Moon’s party now. There’s no uninterested ex to draw Eli’s eye, and no looming threat of Kreese sinking his toxic “no defeat allowed” claws into Eli’s mind.

He’s free, and he’s using that freedom to look at Demetri.

I’m not going to be a pussy anymore.

He leans across the console box. Eli’s eyes widen, lips parting.

He’s shooting glances at Demetri’s mouth again, unabashedly hopeful. Out the passenger window behind him, Mazatlán is lighting up for the night, bathing Eli in a soft yellow glow. It’s a gorgeous color mosaic—orange and gold city lights, hazy blue-black mountains, rippling midnight blue waves, indigo sky, the faint green of illuminated palm trees, the red of radio towers. The beautiful soft blue of Eli’s eyes, staring at him like nothing else matters.

Demetri wonders if Eli looked at him like this all along, and he was just too blind to see it. He can’t allow himself to be that optimistic.

When his hand slides around the back of Eli’s neck, the other boy presses into it. His thumb brushes Eli’s cheek as they lean in, and Demetri barely dares to breathe.

Eli is the one who closes the distance. He kisses hard and fierce, like this is the most important thing he’s ever done. Demetri’s fingers flutter across Eli’s skin as they draw in and out, melting into each other and pulling away again.

If his blood was pumping before, it has more pressure than a busted water pipe now. Demetri’s doctor would faint if he knew.

It’s difficult to form thoughts, but Demetri arrives at a few.

The first is that Eli’s skin is soft, the back of his neck dusted with the lowermost velvety hair of his buzzcut. The second is that Eli’s lips are chapped from the desert heat—and unfortunately still taste a little like habanero-soaked carnitas, despite how many bottles of milk he downed after the fact. The third is that this is the first time they’ve kissed for no reason.

There are no Miguel worries plaguing them, hanging heavy in the air and making it difficult to think of anything else. There are no nightmares demanding physical comfort, be it arms or lips or both. There are no elderly homophobes nearby to make uncomfortable.

They’re kissing solely because they want to.

Demetri smiles into Eli’s lips and kisses him deeper.

He fancies himself quite a fool to believe that last night’s desperate cartop make-out session was the single greatest moment of his life, and everything after would pale in comparison. This make-out session clearly takes the cake, and only after this does he have to worry about his life taking a turn for the abysmal.

After what feels like barely any time at all, Eli pulls away. Demetri feels a wave of resigned disappointment trickle through him.

Ah, well. This is to be expected. It’s high time Eli Moskowitz comes to his senses.

Then, for not the first time in these last few whirlwind days, his best friend surprises him.

Eli pushes up the top of the console box and slithers over it with unexpected grace, maneuvering his way into the driver’s seat. He slides onto Demetri’s lap, knees straddling him.

Demetri hasn’t worried about spontaneous human combustion in earnest since he was 8 or so, but he certainly is now. Every neuron in his brain is firing at a thousand miles an hour, entire being buzzing with energy that has nowhere to go.

Eli’s hands begin sliding up his chest, finding their way under his shirt. Fingers dance across his skin tantalizingly slow, and Demetri is honestly surprised that the intensity of whatever is now capturing his body isn’t strong enough to make the windows shatter.

His skinny, bony form certainly doesn’t feel large enough to contain it. At this point, it wouldn’t surprise him if all the chemical reactions inside him, kicked into overdrive, collectively decide they’re exhausted with this nonsense and evaporate him on the spot.

“Oh.” A hand stops near the middle of his chest, and Eli smirks. “Your pulse is racing. Do I make you nervous, Dem?”

Demetri’s answer is incoherent stutters—because he really has no satisfactory answer.

Maybe he knows what the answer is. Maybe he knows what he wishes it wasn’t.

“Wait.” The blood drains from Eli’s face, and he goes rigid. “You’re not still…?”

The question goes unfinished, but Demetri knows what it is. You’re not still scared of me, are you?

Eli looks like he might throw up at the notion.

Demetri raises a hand to cup his face. “I was never scared of you, Eli,” he whispers. “I was only ever scared of losing you.”

Maybe it’s an exaggeration. He certainly was unnerved when Eli stalked through the computer lab shouting his name, or had him pinned on the arcade floor. But “scared” isn’t the right word for what he felt.

It was more worry. Grief, maybe. The anguish that Eli was slipping away into something cold and hard and dark and unfeeling, and there was nothing he could do to stop it. And, perhaps worst of all, that he knew Eli was miserable underneath it all.

He knows Eli, and he knows him putting on some over-the-top façade is exhausting and frustrating and empty. Any happiness that he got out of this fake-him would never quite be enough to cancel out what it took out of him.

And how could he be scared of Eli? How could he be scared of the same boy who once looked at him like he was the funniest kid at West Valley High, who only lashed out when he felt scared and unloved and alone?

It’s easy to fear what you don’t understand. Perhaps that’s why he can never fear Eli Moskowitz.

Because Eli is one of the few people in this chaotic and confusing world that he does understand. One of the few people he always has. And it’s hard to quake in terror when you know practically every turn and corner and dead end in the maze of someone’s mind.

Perhaps if Eli is something intimately familiar, the house he grew up in, then ‘Hawk’ is the basement at night. The one avoided corner, familiar yet eerie. Always there, but relatively untouched. The part of the house you minimize your time in—grab what you need and run back up the stairs. The one room that gives you chills, where you feel like you’re outside the jurisdiction of the rest of the house’s protective walls.

Nonetheless, the basement comes with the house, and it would be absurd to never go home again because one measly, cobwebby room gives you the creeps. It would be absurd to give up on Eli Moskowitz because he has an ugly side. God knows Demetri does, too.

“You’ll never lose me.” Eli’s voice is unexpectedly fierce when he speaks, eyes blazing with an icy blue fire. “Never again. I swear.”

He leans into Demetri’s hand, and as his eyes soften, Demetri realizes how unequivocally fucked he is.

I love you. Oh god. I love you.

He doesn’t say it. If Eli Moskowitz is inevitably going to shatter his heart into a thousand pieces, it’s not going to be on a trip when they’re stuck in a car together for at least two more weeks. There will be plenty of time for Demetri to be emotionally gutted once Miguel is safe and sound.

“I can’t lose you,” he says instead, voice cracking. “Please. I think it would kill me.”

“I’m staying.” Eli’s voice is quiet again, fingers starting to massage Demetri’s chest. “I promise I’m staying this time.”

Warm fingers continue sliding up his torso, and he leans into them. In one sweeping motion, they hook onto the inside of his shirt and pull it over his head—and just like that, Demetri can no longer inform people that he is silently correcting their grammar. Revolting.

Eli presses into him, and Demetri loops long arms around his waist, pulling him closer. He feels Eli’s hands slide behind his neck, holding it with a gentle firmness that sends shivers ripping through him. Eli smiles so softly that Demetri idly wonders if his brain will ever be able to fully function again.

And then Eli leans in, pushing him up against the back of the driver’s seat and kissing him hard. All at once, everything slides into place.

***

The first thing Demetri sees when he wakes up is a purple and brown blur.

He grunts, moving a hand to find it brushing across smooth, bare skin. The other seems to be interlocked with something soft and warm.

Demetri lifts his head, blinking until his eyes focus. The purple and brown smudges form into the shape of feathers.

Eli’s tattoo. Demetri starts.

The body underneath him shifts, and Eli turns his head to the side to look up at him. “Morning, Dem.”

Eli’s arms are folded into a makeshift pillow, the real pillows and blankets strewn chaotically across the backseat. Demetri realizes one of his own arms is tangled among Eli’s.

There’s a squeeze around his palm, and his face grows hot. His fingers are interlocked with Eli’s, apparently having stayed that way all night. What’s far more interesting, however, is that upon a backwards glance Demetri realizes that, in the king’s English, they’re both butt fucking naked.

There are a couple blankets loosely strewn across them, covering skin here and there, but it’s a sorry attempt at concealment. It’s clear they both went to sleep with not a garment to either of their names.

Demetri squawks in surprise, nearly falling off Eli and onto the car floor. “Did we…?”

Eli scoffs, lifting his head to roll his eyes more visibly. “No, Demetri, we joined a nudist colony last night.”

Demetri’s eyes trail around the disheveled makeshift bedding and land on a suspiciously non-empty condom on the floor, right under the driver’s seat. The previous night comes crashing back to him in one overwhelming rush, and his face suddenly burns like never before.

“We did,” he confirms, although the words come out as more of a squeak than a statement.

“Oh, don’t sound so horrified.” Eli lets go of his hand to swat his shoulder. “I wasn’t that bad, was I?”

“No, no!” Demetri shakes his head rapidly, unable to meet Eli’s eyes. If his cheeks were smoldering before, they’re an uncontrolled California wildfire now. “You were great, actually, I just, uh…I mean, I didn’t, uh…I just…”

He trails off, suddenly wholly unsure what he’s trying to say. Groaning, he presses his palm to his forehead. “Fuck.”

“Oh, noooo.” Eli’s voice is dripping with quiet sarcasm. “Did you get me pregnant?”

“Shut up!” Demetri punches his arm, and Eli cackles.

Demetri dares to look at his eyes, and they’re glowing. His best friend is so nonchalant, and Demetri wonders idly how many times Eli’s been in this exact situation. The morning after, wrapped up in blankets, processing the experience. The thought of Eli joking around while lying naked with someone else makes Demetri uneasy.

He can’t say why. It’s not like the thought is that surprising.

Maybe you just want to be different. Selfish prick.

Guilt gnaws at him. He shouldn’t feel like he has any claim over Eli. Not when he was oblivious to how miserable his best friend was for so long.

But for reasons he’d rather not get to the bottom of, it feels a little unfair.

“I feel like I’m the one who should be worried.” Eli rolls over, knocking Demetri off his back and sending him tumbling onto the ruffled comforter beside them. Blue eyes turn to face him, glinting suspiciously. “You didn’t give me herpes or some shit, right?”

“Wh—no!” Demetri gawks at him, mortified. He gestures wildly in exasperation, nearly smacking Eli’s bare chest in the process. “I don’t have any of those! Why would you think that?!”

Eli frowns, like Demetri’s failing to grasp a very obvious point. “Uh, because you were dating the most popular chick at West Valley High? And if you don’t think she got around before you, your head’s up your ass.”

“What, you think me and Yasmine—?” Despite himself, Demetri clutches his chest and howls with laughter.

Eli’s frown deepens. “What’s so fucking funny?! It’s a fair assumption!”

It’s a while before Demetri can breathe enough to answer. “You think Yasmine the lesbian and I had sex?”

“She wasn’t out yet!”

“Ah yes, and most lesbians, as we know, are just clamoring to get dicked by their beards.”

“Look, I don’t know! I thought she might do it to keep up appearances!”

“To whom, Eli? Her crazy homophobic mom isn’t going to ask about the details of her sex life. Who does she need to emphasize her undying love of penis to? Moon the bisexual all-accepting hippie? Sam ‘head filled only with karate wars and Miguel’ LaRusso? Were you under the impression that my girlfriend invited her mother to watch us get it on to make absolutely sure her family remained unaware she likes boobs?”

“Wh—dude, no! Why would you make me think about that?!” After seeming to shake the image from his head, he fixes Demetri with a devilish smirk. “I thought maybe it was so bad that that’s how she figured out she’s gay.”

Demetri scoffs. “Oh, you would love that. Nice try, but it never got that far.”

“That’s weird.” Eli frowns again. “She seems like the type who’d experiment with that shit. You know, even if she realized later she didn’t like guys. She did do other guys before you, right?”

Demetri doesn’t answer.

“Right?” Eli asks again.

Demetri sucks in a breath. “Well…not…not other, uh, guys.”

Eli’s eyes grow huge. “She banged a chick?! Do you know who? How did she get away with being that popular and never banging a guy?”

Demetri glares at him. “I’m not at liberty to divulge who. In any case, it was hush-hush enough that it never got out. Anyhow, Yas said she got plenty of dick, to maintain the ‘hottest girl in school’ reputation and all, but I mean…if you’re some shmuck and Yasmine says she bagged you, are you really going to deny it? That is social suicide, straight up.”

“So her sleeping with those football guys she went out with? That was all bullshit?”

“Pretty much. She lives by my philosophy of trying to get the gain without the pain. You get to be desirable without actually having to pop your cherry. Or having a cock pop your cherry, anyways.”

There’s a short silence. Blood begins to creep into Demetri’s cheeks as he remembers the whirlwind relationship, and how different it must have been from the outside vs. the inside. It was one of his stranger experiences, but one that he knows will make a good story in 20 years or so.

That is, of course, assuming he has any success making friends in adulthood. He hopes there will be at least a few he can entertain with the riveting tale of his extremely hot and extremely gay high school girlfriend.

“We messed around a bit,” he admits. “More than, uh, making out. She wanted to know what fooling around with someone with a dick was like. We tried handjobs.”

Eli hums in sarcastic sympathy. “And it wasn’t everything you dreamed it would be?”

“Not really. Pretty underwhelming. She seemed like she wanted to get it over with so we could go hang out with Moon at the mall.”

Eli snorts with laughter. “Oh my god, seriously?”

“Oh, yeah. She was treating the whole thing like a gaming speedrun. I didn’t even finish. And trust me when I say it does not take much.”

“Did you do anything else?”

He inches a little closer, gleaming with curiosity. Demetri wonders if there isn’t a tiny streak of worry in his pretty features, too.

He doubts it. Eli couldn’t care less what he did with Yasmine, he’s sure.

Demetri shrugs. “We dry-humped. Never took anything off, but she straddled me on the couch when her parents weren’t home and we went at it for a bit. She never seemed to get into it, though. Believe me when I say the moans were very fake.”

Eli snickers, and Demetri can’t help but smile. The whole thing is pretty funny in retrospect, if he’s being honest with himself.

He shakes his head, smile suddenly fading. “I had to tell her to stop. The whole thing felt…I don’t know, performative. I could tell she was just going through the motions and not actually enjoying it. Seemed like a waste of time if she was uncomfortable through the whole thing, so we put on Clueless and ordered burritos instead.”

“So she wasn’t into it at all?”

“Not even a little. It was lifeless.” He smiles wanly. “We agreed not to do anything after that, and honestly? I’d never seen her more relieved.”

“And was this before or after the stoned lesbian flirting incident?”

“Oh, months after. March, I think. If I suspected at Moon’s girls’ nights, I knew for damn sure then. After that I knew it was just a matter of time before she called things off.”

“Really?” Eli blinks in surprise. “So no more groping after that?”

“Nope. She was—well, you know how she was at school, but alone? We never tried anything else. It was too awkward.”

Eli looks at him contemplatively, eyes glinting with a light Demetri isn’t sure he likes. When he smirks again, Demetri groans.

“So I have to know.” Eli scoots closer, humming mockingly. “You said you and Yasmine broke up a couple of weeks before the All-Valley. And if you guys weren’t even messing around anymore…”

Eli rolls onto Demetri’s chest in one quick movement, grinning triumphantly down. “What the hell were all those condoms and things of lube doing in the glovebox, Mr. we’re-not-going-to-Mexico-to-get-laid?”

Demetri is sure his face is the same shade of red that Eli’s hair once was. “Uh…well…” As he looks away, Eli presses down harder on him. “I didn’t think, um—I didn’t think it was entirely out of the question that we might end up—”

“Ha!” Eli barks out a laugh, smacking Demetri’s chest. “You devious little fucker. You planned this whole thing out, didn’t you?”

“I did not!” Demetri splutters. “I just think it’s good to prepare for all possibilities is all! What’s so wrong about that?!”

“Nothing.” Eli reaches out and starts playing with a stray strand of Demetri’s hair. When he looks at him, his eyes are big and innocent and infuriating. “Just think it’s funny that you thought us fucking was likely enough to justify 20 condoms and 6 bottles of lube.”

Demetri is fairly certain that, once again, his face is at risk of burning off. “Well, was I wrong, Eli?!”

“No. But you’re so presumptuous it’s fucking hilarious. You just assumed I’d want to bang you?”

“Again! I assumed correctly!”

“You did. I’ll give you that. You know something?” Eli leans forward, lips by his ear. Demetri shivers. “That’s what I like about this new you. You don’t mope around all day thinking about what a piece of shit you are. You know you deserve some nice things.”

Demetri smirks against his shoulder. “Like dicking you?”

“Precisely.”

“You’re welcome.” Demetri lifts a hand, trailing his fingers across Eli’s bare back. “‘Demetri, I’m not gonna get laid this entire trip! This is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me!’” He mimics Eli’s previous-day complaint in a nasally, squeaky voice.

“H—hey!” Eli shoves his chest hard, pressing him further down into the seat. Demetri sniggers.

“I hope I was as good as all the Mexican girls you won’t have time to seduce.”

“Hey, it’s young days yet—”

“Eli. That is all the sex you’re getting. We have a mission.”

“Fine. I guess that’ll do for now.” Eli pouts like a child, and Demetri can’t help but laugh.

“Oh, don’t be so ungrateful. You seemed to have a pretty good time.”

There’s a chill in the air, one that has been steadily creeping in through the cracks in the doors and filling the car with a damp ocean breeze. Demetri is suddenly reminded that they’ve spent the night without a heater and that his skin is growing frosty, even with Eli acting as an impromptu human blanket.

Seeming to read his mind, Eli reaches over and pulls a wad of blankets over them.

“We should go soon.”

Eli murmurs the words softly, pressing a kiss to Demetri’s neck. He tightens his arm around Eli’s back, another shiver rippling through him.

It’s really very unfair, how Eli can so easily unravel him with one small touch. He needs to work on that. It’s something ex-Sensei Lawrence might refer to as “pussy behavior”—and regrettably, ex-Sensei Lawrence is, occasionally, right.

Before he can figure out what to do about it, a sharp rap on the car window nearly makes him jump out of his skin.

“Señores?”

“Shit.” Demetri yanks the blankets closer, frantically trying to cover any exposed skin on both of them. Which is a lot. “Shit. Shit. Shit.”

A woman in some sort of security guard uniform is standing outside the backseat window, tightly gripping a notepad. Not a cop, Demetri doesn’t think, but nonetheless someone very displeased about them being there.

She knocks on the window again, frowning. Demetri shoves a bundle of blankets to Eli under the comforter, hissing for him to make himself decent.

As they scramble to cover themselves, Demetri squirms into the front seat, comforter in tow. He cracks the driver’s door, smiling brightly despite the icy rush of air that assaults his bedding-clad body.

“Hi, officer!” He doesn’t know the proper title for a night watch guard or what have you, but this seems close enough. “What seems to be the problem?”

She raises her eyebrows, looking at him like he’s just a little bit of a lunatic.

“Ustedes no deberían estar aquí.” Ah. Excellent. So no English, apparently. “El mirador no abrirá hasta dentro de 3 horas.”

Probably something to the gist of how they shouldn’t be here, this was a permit-only lot, etc etc. Demetri gives her his best remorseful look.

“Lo lamento, nos iremos.”

The security guard narrows her eyes, seemingly not satisfied. There’s a shuffling behind him, and he glances back to see Eli maneuvering his way into the front seat with a thick cloak of blankets trailing behind.

“Llegamos un poco temprano, así que decidimos ver el paisaje,” he pipes up. “Ya que estabamos aquí.”

He situates himself into the passenger’s seat, wiggling around in his blanket robes until he’s sitting up straight and looking very confident in himself. He raises a hand and smooths down some rumpled hair, presumably to look more dignified.

Ah, so Eli’s hair is long enough to rumple now. Demetri tries not to think about how cute it looks.

The security guard’s gaze drifts from the lowered backseat and the strewn bedspread to the two blanket-wrapped teenagers. Her bag-accompanied eyes glint sharply, like she’s finally putting two and two together.

Demetri very much wishes she wasn’t.

“Esperen, ¿acaso estuvieron aquí toda la noche?” she demands. “¿Y haciendo qué rayos, exactamente?”

Demetri and Eli exchange a panicked look. “Nada,” Demetri mumbles, not meeting her eyes. “Nada importante.”

She looks over them again, expression prying. Like she’s trying to get them to come clean about a dastardly crime. Despite the chilly air, Demetri imagines his entire face is glistening with nervous sweat.

He wonders if he’s about to wither away.

“¿Y qué onda con todas esas cobijas?” she pipes up, frowning.

Luckily, Eli answers indignantly before Demetri can panic over what to say. “¡Esque hace frío aquí atras!” Demetri nods earnestly as Eli begins to shiver for effect. Something about them being wrapped up in blankets because they’re so cold, and definitely not because they’re in their birthday suits underneath.

The security guard hums in consideration before letting out a long, weary sigh. “Los vi aquí adentro esta mañana,” she says finally.

Demetri turns to look at his friend. From the way Eli’s face drops, this is not good.

The security guard sighs again. “Bueno, caballeros... Me temo que tendré que multarlos por traspasar propiedad estatal e indecencia pública.”

She pulls out what looks like a ticketbook and starts scribbling away, brow creased. Demetri lets out a mewl of despair.

He feels a reassuring hand squeeze his arm, and turns to give Eli a desperate look. “Do something!” he hisses.

Eli shrugs apologetically. “She said she saw us in here this morning, man,” he whispers back. “We’re not even supposed to be here. We’d better just take the L.”

Demetri whimpers again, and Eli groans. “What, you’ve never gotten a ticket before?”

“No! Normal people don’t go around committing ticketable crimes, Eli!”

A hand pokes through the car door crack, offering a narrow red strip of paper. As soon as Demetri takes it, the security guard stalks off, mumbling about turistas cachondos.

Demetri looks over what he can only assume is a ticket and lets out a wail. Not a word of it is written in English, and the largest of the text is no bigger than his pinky nail.

“I can’t understand any of this—”

Eli snatches it away and scrutinizes it, brow furrowing. A fond smile tugs at Demetri’s lips. Eli has always looked so intense when he concentrates.

“Fuck, dude, I can barely make out shit, either,” he mutters. He looks up, fixing Demetri with a small smirk. “All the more reason to find Miguel, right? He can translate for us. Otherwise you’ll never be able to pay this ticket, and the Mexican government will hunt you down.”

He raises his hands and wiggles his fingers, making ghost noises. Demetri promptly smacks him.

“Cheer up.” Eli snakes an arm around Demetri’s neck, giving his shoulder a brief squeeze. “I’ll protect you if they send parking violation assassins after you.”

“Thanks. I appreciate it.”

Demetri laughs, leaning across the console box to slump against Eli’s shoulder.

“Can we get Starbucks?” he mumbles.

Eli chuckles. “Sure. But we should probably put clothes on first.”

***

Eyyyyy let’s hear it for Counselor Blatt x Principal Holloway, the real OTP of this whole operation!!!

Hilariously enough Dem and Eli’s elementary school principal is 100% based off my own, like this fucker never stopped kicking up a fuss about how you absolutely had to tell a teacher if you were being bullied and fighting back made you “just as bad as them” like sorry my man but if you teach bullying victims to be weenies and snitches they’re literally never going to learn how to solve any of their life problems on their own lmaooooo

Yes, Demetri is a virgin and Hawk is not. Yes, I will attest to this in court. Yasmine’s sudden over-the-top horniness was 1000% an act because a) that is the ONLY way her S4 behavior makes ANY goddamn sense and b) the idea of Demetri dating what seems to be the thirstiest girl in the entire school and never getting any is just so objectively hilarious to me.

Realistically, would Eli and Demetri slut-shame Yas for supposedly “getting around” a lot??? Maybe, but slut-shaming does not exist in this dojo because I say so, get fucked

Also how fucking funny is it that I just instinctively knew Clueless would be Yasmine’s favorite romcom and only later remembered that it had a subplot about the girly-girl protagonist dating a guy aND REALIZING HE WAS GAY HOLY SHIT

Not giving the exact Spanish translations this time because it’ll be objectively much funnier to make y’all wait until Miguel translates that ticket for them >:3 BUT the basic gist is that the security guard lady is like “wtf are y’all doing here? This lookout point doesn’t open for 3 hours...also fucking excuse me, were you here all night??? What were you doing???” and then Eli frantically tries to save their asses by being like “Ohhhh well we just got here early and figured we might as well stay and uh...look at the beautiful scenery!!! Also we’re totally not naked, we’re just wrapped in 5 layers of blankets because it’s cold in here, promise!!!”

These dumb horny idiots I stg XD GOOD FOR THEM THOUGH GOOD FOR THEM

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demetriandelibinaryboyfriends · 2 years

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Season 4, Episode 8: An Extremely Chaotic and Incoherent Review

EEEEUUUUGGGGGHHHHHH this was by FAR my least favorite episode so don't expect me to have many kind things to say about it D:<

The Good (what little there was of it):

Robby and Tory were like...the ONLY redeeming quality of this episode

They fucken CARRIED the damn thing, honestly--I don't know if I could have stomached it without them

"Did you just ask me to prom?" "Strictly a tactical move" Okay only Tory and Robby would flirt like this and god is it ADORABLE

While I am cranky that they wasted screen time bringing back Stingray of all people, "You were never a part of this team. You're a buffoon. A joker. An embarrassment." is my new go-to insult and I will now be using it regularly

Lol somehow I forgot that Daniel has other New Jersey cousins who can cause shenanigans. I am always eager for shenanigans

Sam's prom dress is almost the exact shade of pink mine was and thus I am obligated to compliment her fashion sense and color preferences

Also CALLED that her dress would be pink or purple!!! And does she ever SLAY in pink, go get it girl <3

AWWWWW I JUST NOW REALIZED MIGUEL MATCHED HIS BOWTIE WITH HER DRESS

DORKS

Okay I know everything's gonna go to shit later but I'm happy these two get a few minutes of cuteness at least ;__;

Damn...the fact that Shannon was able to pick out red flags with Terry Silver immediately is making her grow on me. Like she's definitely not been the best mom, but the woman has good instincts and I have to respect that. "If there's one type of guy I know, it's a rich guy who wants something" indeed

Shannon might be smarter than I've been giving her credit for honestly

Miguel picking up Sam and spinning her ;_;

GODDDDD why can't they be happy for ONE NIGHT

Moon dancing with GIRLS like the sapphic queen she is!!!!

GOD if only one of them was her new girlfriend and she was off the market to one Eli Moskowitz ;___;

Man why won't they let that relationship DIE ffs

Okay okay back to good things, sorry

You know, I can take solace in the fact that Eli and Demetri did in fact go to prom as each other's date and are just too inconceivably stupid and far back in the closet to realize it

Idiots (affectionate, but frustrated)

Also, Demetri's prom suit is just as delightfully hideous as I've always dreamed it would be, and I am thrilled about that

Additionally, no straight man could ever wear a pac man suit to prom and manage to actually pull it off, hence proving further that Demetri is gay as all hell and just in very deep denial about it

AW, Dem tryna cheer up Eli when Eli’s bitch ass doesn't appreciate his very handsome and sarcastic date just because Dem's not a girl ;__;

At least Demetri looks apologetic when he gets dragged off by Yasmine??? That's something???

Eli's tryna be happy for Dem even though his heart is breaking in a million pieces, god bless

Okay not Yasmine seeming more excited to see Moon than Demetri, who she supposedly flew in from Sydney for

NO SERIOUSLY it's like:

Yasmine, upon seeing Demetri: Ah hey :) What's up, you :) Yasmine, upon seeing Moon: *excited sapphic screeching*

Also not Moon breaking into a huge smile and letting out this elated little "I can't believe you're here! <3 <3 <3" and then breaking into lovesick giggles

And, what? You think I'm NOT going to ship them??? Eat my ENTIRE ass actually

Okay, you know what??? MAD respect for Tory and Robby walking in in an ABSOLUTE power stance

Saw some people throwing shade at Tory's dress, but those people are wrong and leopard print fucks actually

Okay I mean I do appreciate Johnny trying to protect his kid from Terry Sleazer but like...Johnny you IDIOT, this absolutely has the vibes of him taking you to a secluded place to murder you??? Then again, it's very in-character for Johnny to just go anyway

Johnny Lawrence is only the most tragic of idiots

Aw, the WAY Sam looks at Miguel when they start slow dancing

She's so happy ;__;

I'll admit they DO have a few pretty great moments in this episode

Oh my GOD Tory and Robby are so fucking petty and EXTRA and it's absolutely glorious

Look at them, carrying this entire fucking episode on their backs

I can't believe they're just the actual embodiment of the Fake Dating fanfiction trope

Like they legit said "let's go to prom together to piss off our exes and make them jealous" and then actually started liking each other??? Classic fanfic move

Yeah okay the Anthony subplot is mildly amusing, I forget how sassy and hot-tempered Amanda can be

Love that for her though!

"Now why do you think you love your daughter more than your son?" GODDAMN YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO JUST OUTRIGHT CALL THEM OUT LIKE THAT

Okay she got them good with that notepad, I'll give it to her

Shannon was a dancer??? And she taught Robby??? THAT'S SO FRICKEN CUTE

TORY AND ROBBY MY GODDDDDD

THEY CAME FOR MY ENTIRE HEART ACTUALLY

I feel like they just really understand each other and can find a comfort and solace in each other they haven't been able to with anyone else and I think that's beautiful ;__;

AAAAHHHHHH HER HEAD'S ON HIS SHOULDER

She's showing him Soft Tory, where she doesn't feel like she has to be tough and badass ;_;

Pretty sure she was NEVER that vulnerable with Miguel so like

Keenry >>>>> Tori/guel actually

"Are they still watching?" "I don't care" *sobs*

I'll give it to you, Season 4, you got me very emotionally invested in the two dudes who were my least faves last season...that's impressive

ALSO if you look in the background during the Tory and Robby dance scenes, Moon is hanging around RIGHT BY Yas and Demetri the entire time

And I swear to GOD, I caught Moon turning and stealing a couple glances at Yas

Moon has a big fat lesbian crush on Miss Discount Regina George, send tweet

I’m betting she was hanging around Dem and Yas because she was trying to work up the courage to ask if she could “jokingly” cut in, but never could quite be brave enough :( :( :(

No I don’t CARE if I’m reaching actually, this headcanon is giving me a seratonin boost and that’s all that matters

There’s even a super brief shot of Yas and Moon dancing together, so fuck it, I’ll take my lesbian scraps

Aight that's a sick LA-city-lights-at-night shot, I'll give it to 'em

Y'know what? I predicted Eli would be third-wheeling Demetri and Yasmine and NOT Sam and Miguel, so like...I guess I won there???

He's clearly hanging around Dem like a lost puppy, so...at least we got one half of the ship being gay af

As much as you can fuckin win anything when you're getting Yasfuckingmetri shoved down your throat -__-

Alright alright alright I'll admit Stingray beating the shit out of the neighbor who’s got a stick up his ass was pretty damn funny

I GUESS he can get one last moment of glory before Terry Silver pummels him to kingdom come

I'll admit I kinda loved seeing Daniel take a page out of Johnny's book and cut the shit with Anthony, cuz like...I honestly don't think there'd be much other way to get through to him, the way he just...does whatever he wants lol

Also Daniel shouting Johnny's "QUIET!!!" was beautiful

Breaking the iPad was taking it a liiiiiittle far though

"Seems like you're always behind me in line. First Miguel, now Robby. I have a half-eaten cupcake in there if you want some!" DAMN GIRL YOU ARE A SAVAGE

I honestly have to stan, that was a sick burn

Okay, you know what? I was hoping for a karate brawl at the prom because teenagers fighting each other in formalwear is deeply hilarious to me. And this episode DELIVERED on that front. Granted, I was hoping for a larger karate fight that included Demetri and Eli pummeling the crap out of Kyler, but I'll take any prom karate fight.

And like...given Sam’s trauma with Tory and Johnny’s recent influence on her, I’m not really surprised she started shit and tried her luck with “striking first”

Like yes it led to a clusterfuck disaster but it was a neat character beat

TORY PULLING ROBBY INTO THE POOL

THEM GIGGLING

WHY ARE THEY SO ADORABLE

On the upside, I don't think my most beloathed Tori/guel and S*mR*bby are going to be getting back together anytime soon, because Tory and Robby are in fact very into each other

Giving me legitimate hope that Samiguel and Keenry will be endgame because like...I don't think Robby and Tory are going to suddenly stop being utterly smitten with each other any time soon

Look at you smooching kids!!! Happy for you!!!

I would like to personally thank Robby Keene and Tory Nichols for singlehandedly getting me through this episode

Welp, I mean. They couldn't bring back Stingray without having him get his ass handed to him by an unhinged karate grandpa, so like...I guess that's something.

The Bad:

Okay WHY did we need to bring Stingray back? Like

We're all here for the kids and the karate dads and the evil karate grandpas

And we spent a good precious 3 minutes of screentime on Stingray stuff that I don't think anyone cares about

Literally the ONE good thing about bringing the man back is that we got "You were never a part of this team. You're a buffoon. A joker. An embarrassment." but that's IT

They could've used that screentime to actually like. Develop Demetri and Yasmine's relationship a tiny bit so that we actually give half a shit when she flies back to go to the prom with him like???

Maybe have a Yasmine scene where she's in the Sydney airport feeling conflicted, texting Dem or smth. It could be an opportunity to learn more about Yas and develop her a bit outside of just being really obsessed with Demetri or whatever

Like no, this wouldn't make me ship them, but at least it would help Yasmine feel like less of a fucking prop and more of an actual like...person

Right now she's literally just a "coolness prize" and I have 0 emotional investment in her and Demetri's relationship

I also know basically fucking nothing about it, considering we went from her making out with him in the halls and being super embarrassed about it to her being all over him and having no personality outside of it

Like, what, is it supposed to be a triumphant moment when she pops up at prom??? We still barely know her and, again, have basically no reason to be invested in her character OR her and Demetri's relationship

Unless you like looking at hot girls and projecting onto Demetri I guess

Anyways

Bottom line is if the writers actually want me to root for Dem and Yas, the BARE MINIMUM is to give Yas some depth and some personality aside from "horny and occasionally mean"

Also it's real Daniel-and-Johnny-get-the-hell-over-yourselves hours

Maybe have one (1) reasonable, mature discussion instead of jumping at every opportunity to yell at and belittle each other and you wouldn't have so many issues get between your goddamn dojos

These stubborn fuckers are legit so wrapped up in their own self-righteousness that I am starting to very much want to slap them

WHY CAN'T Y'ALL JUST CHILL AND FIGURE YOUR SHIT OUT

Okay random little nitpick BUT

I'm so sorry but the little bows on Sam's straps look kind of tacky, don't kill me ^^;

Lowkey distracting D:

Other than that I like the dress tho!!!

Okay SO

MONSTER rant ahead

Literally as soon as we get to the prom everyone starts acting OOC as SHIT, it's insane

Like I shit you not, basically the only ones who aren't acting like they've been replaced by cheap imitation dopplegangers are Robby and Tory

Hence why, as previously stated, those two fuckers carried the entire episode

So for starters the No Homo'ing here is somehow even more atrocious than in Episode 5

And that was BAD

But like yeah of COURSE they have Eli complaining about him and Dem not having prom dates just to make SURE we know they're not each other's prom date -__-

Because god forbid we think they might be on a date for one goddamn second

And also every heterosexual in existence clearly spends every waking moment lamenting the lack of a romantic partner, and can never just...vibe with their friends at dances???

Like Demetri goes "dateless" to prom SOLELY with the intent of hanging out with Eli so he won't be alone, and then the writers make Eli not only appreciate it 0%, but also actively bitch about not having a girl on his arm???

Fuck OFF

It just feels so OOC, too, like...yeah, going to prom without an official date can make you self-conscious, but like...at this point in Eli's arc, I feel like he should kinda be over the need to get a gf for social status, you know?

And let's be real, high school dating (and prom dates in particular) is like 90% about social status

Like it would be one thing if the need to be in a relationship or be desired by girls was something that Eli still has to kind of overcome, but I don't get the sense that's where they're going with this??? It's just like "haha let's make the heavily queer-coded dude SUPER focused on girls so no one will ever suspect he's queer-coded!!!"

I SWEAR TO GOD

Also they deadass flew Yasmine all the way back from Australia solely to No Homo Demetri and Eli once again -___-

Like??? What was even the point of the "Yasmine goes to Australia" plotline???

Seems like they were trying to introduce conflict in Demetri's love life or something, but then they just solved it immediately

"Oh no, Demetri's girlfriend can't go to the prom with him!!!! Jk yeah she can"

Okay??? This made me feel absolutely nothing

Once again obsessed (derogatory) with the fact that the writers cannot ever let Demetri and Eli have ONE scene alone together without insistently sticking in a reminder that they're both straight

Like if they were actually just chillin straight bros you wouldn't need to TELL us they're just chillin straight bros all the time???

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure they don't do this kind of thing with like...Demetri and Miguel. Or Demetri and Chris. Because in those cases, the writers trust us to interpret their bond as purely platonic

But with Dem and Eli??? The showrunners know DAMN WELL how gay they come across, and they gotta constantly try and do "damage control" over it -__-

When will Yasmine's personality return from the war??? More at six

I'm still so upset that she went from being horrified that anyone would think she was dating Demetri to being all the fuck over him, and it happened entirely offscreen

What on earth happened to change her mind about openly dating him??? Guess we'll never fucking know

I can't believe I deadass said "maybe Yasmine and Demetri dating won't be so bad"

I really trusted the writers to portray it as the shallow fling it was set up as instead of like...the high school sweetheart romance of the century I guess

What--and I once again cannot emphasize this enough--the FUCK

Guess I am BooBoo the Fool

Here I thought these ultimately empty, shallow high school relationships would actually be shown as being

You know

Ultimately empty and shallow

Cobra Kai really tryna tell us "if you and someone in your high school find one another attractive and kiss a few times, y'all are absolute soulmates and you have found true love"

EXCUSE ME, you're telling me the SAME Demetri who put his arm around a shaved, sadboi Eli and told him he didn't care how he did his hair or what he went by or whether he was into coding or karate, he would always love him and be his best friend--

You're telling me THAT Demetri ditched Eli at the prom to go grind on his one-dimensional girlfriend, and didn't even invite Eli to go dancing with them???

Who the hell is this pac man-wearing fuck and what has he done with my boy??? This is character assassination of the highest caliber

Are you fucking SERIOUS??? They're having Eli still be hung up over Moon??? Bro you dated her for like 2 minutes, and we're literally never given any reason to think it was because of something other than just her being hot and popular. And now it's been, what? Like a year???

The writers will not let Eli move the hell on, despite the fact that Moon clearly has, and it pisses me off so much. Eli needs to let Moon go, and the narrative really should not reward him for being hell-bent on rekindling a romance that seemed to be based on literally nothing except physical attraction anyways

See but I KNOW it's going to and that angers me on a deep and profound level

Like my dude high school relationships end all the TIME and that's FINE! Teenagers are just getting used to an onslaught of hormones and experimenting with romantic relationships, and people in high school are constantly growing and changing so much that it's difficult to really build a lasting romantic relationship. When hormones and attraction are that intense, it's not uncommon at all for there to be a very strong spark for a little bit and then it completely burns out. With Hawk and Moon, we were never shown any deeper connection between them to build a lasting relationship off of. The fact that we're just supposed to take the writer's word for it that it was a deep and profound relationship with these puberty-riddled high schoolers is just ridiculous.

On that note, Eli thinking his first high school girlfriend is his soulmate or smth is also ridiculous. Although Eli is chaotic, intensely emotional, and sometimes kind of impulsive, we're shown he's overall an intelligent dude--he should really be smarter than this :/

Also ALSO in Episode 5, he showed basically NO signs of still being into Moon (aside from "oh when did she and Piper break up?"). Like he literally was completely focused on Demetri and Yasmine until Moon talked to him directly! And when Dem asked him about it, he seemed to have accepted the fact that Moon had a girlfriend and was legitimately ready to move on.

And now all the sudden he's being a piney sadboi for her again??? Because...she's available, and he's not allowed to move on for some reason??? Fuck OFF

I'm telling you, character assassination all AROUND in this episode

"We have to show Eli continuing to be obsessed with his first girlfriend instead of defining himself outside having a gf and trying to heal the friendships he drove a stake into last season, which are really more important to his overall character arc"

Like what a weird and vaguely gross writing choice

Moon really deserves better than to be endlessly pined for by a clingy ex who just will not let sleeping dogs lie I guess

Like I don't think I need to say it but your ex from a two-month relationship still being hung up on you like a year later proooooobably shouldn't be portrayed as a good thing. Or romantic. Or flattering in really any way. Especially when you've shown literally 0 signs of having any lingering feelings for him at all.

Sorry if I'm repeating myself, I'm just really angry about fucking H*wkM**n being pushed on us in such an insanely poorly-done way

I mean I wouldn't like it being pushed on us regardless but the way they do it is especially Cringe

Anyways I'm being reminded that as much as I've come to despise Yas/metri, I'll always despise H*wkM**n more

At LEAST Yasmine and Demetri had wedgies to bond over

WHAT do Hawk and Moon have in common?

The answer is ??????????????????????????????????????????

ANYWAYS

I guess eventually I'll have to stop ranting about this and start ranting about everything else I hated in this episode

So remember how I said everyone is acting egregiously OOC this episode??? I sure as hell didn't just mean my boys Demetri and Eli

Do not even get me STARTED on Miguel

Actually no, I WILL get started on Miguel, whether you like it or not

So Tory and Robby walk in and Sam and Miguel are Big Mad, right

Understandable, have a nice day. BUT

Both Sam and Miguel have heavy trauma centered around Tory and Robby. Robby paralyzed and nearly killed Miguel, and Tory severely assaulted Sam with seemingly-murderous intent twice

Naturally you would think one or both of them would have, perhaps, a goddamn panic attack--or at LEAST want to get as far away from their former aggressors as possible, instead of just standing around and shooting glares at them

With Miguel it's especially egregious because like. Your girlfriend showed you the scars she got from Tory in the hospital, and you know she's been badly hurt by this girl. And you can't be bothered to check up on her and make sure she's okay when she starts acting tense, upset, and anxious around her former attacker???

It's outrageous, like...Miguel has been shown to care SO MUCH for Sam, and to an extent he's never had eyes for anyone but her (if you consider Tory a rebound, which...she kinda was tbh). Why the hell isn't he more worried about her assaulter being nearby???

Like the Miguel Diaz I know would have pulled Sam aside like "Hey, are you okay with them being here? If you're uncomfortable we can go home and watch octopus documentaries"

Or at the very least I feel he would have opted to, you know, not DANCE RIGHT NEXT TO THESE PEOPLE WHO TRAUMATIZED HIM AND HIS GF

Like why even??? Just go to the other side of the dance floor, where you don't have to worry as much about like...getting severe PTSD flashbacks

On that topic, literally WHY is Miguel suddenly still into Tory??? He has not been shown to have ANY lingering feelings for her like ALL SEASON

Also this is still the chick who assaulted his current gf, who he has always, sorry to say it, liked better than Tory anyhow

As if he'd EVER pine for Tory when he's with the girl he's liked from DAY FUCKING ONE

I buy these lingering Tory feelings 0% actually

Also bro WHY is Miguel annoyed at Sam for shooting glances at Robby and Tory, like??? Again, this was the girl who BRUTALLY ASSAULTED HER together with Sam’s possibly vindictive ex, of COURSE she's tense and wants to keep an eye on them

To make sure, you know, SHE AND MIGUEL DON'T GET ATTACKED

Which, given these four's history, is not completely out of the question, dojo "truces" aside

Bottom line is Miguel is highkey being a dick and uncharacteristically unconcerned about his girlfriend's legitimate PTSD, and this is NOT the Miguel Diaz I know and love

"I guess Moon's not coming" "I'm sorry, did you say something?" Yo, where are the Cobra Kai writers at? I swear, I just wanna talk

As if Demetri WOULDN'T be checking in on Eli constantly. Ffs that's just what Demetri DOES.

Like Demetri went to the prom solely to keep Eli company, as established before, and now he suddenly doesn't give a shit about sidelining Eli and making him feel super awkward???

And of COURSE the showrunners can't pass up an opportunity to remind us that Eli is totally straight and still obsessing over the ex he had no chemistry whatsoever with -___-

This H*wkM**n shit is gonna make me do a homicide I swear

ARE YOU SERIOUS ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS DEMETRI IS LEAVING ELI ALL ALONE ON THE DAMN COUCH TO RUN AROUND THE HOUSE WITH YASMINE??? THEY'RE BOTH JUST FUCKING OPENLY DITCHING HIM???

No way this fucker is really my boy Demetri, they've replaced him with an awful, awful clone

The REAL Demetri and Eli decided not to go to prom and are at Eli's house playing video games this entire episode actually

Because LOOK WHAT THEY DID TO MY BOYS

WHERE is management, I am going to throw some hands

Can I throw this entire episode into an incinerator

Except for Robby and Tory, y'all are angels and you can stay

Aight so while I do appreciate Daniel giving Anthony the harsh call-out he deserves, like I said before, breaking the iPad was a LITTLE much

Seems not great to scare your kids into compliance but okay

"You think I broke your heart? You broke mine too" girl what

Sam has literally never been shown to still have feelings for Robby since the breaking-Miguel's-back incident, what the FUCK

Damn, this is really the "try to convince everyone Sam and Miguel still have feelings for their exes and utterly fail at it" episode huh

Like even when Sam talked to Robby at the skate park, she entirely seemed to miss his friendship???

I want to emphasize once again that this is the first we've seen or heard ALL SEASON of Sam and Miguel still carrying ANY kind of torch for Robby and Tory

Even for a silly karate soap opera this shit is just insanely whack

"Tonight was supposed to be for you and me and you ruined it" BRUH

Like your girlfriend is understandably on edge because her previous assaulter shows up, you show 0 concern or empathy about this, and then you get all up her ass for doing exactly what both y'all's mentor has always taught you about striking first and not taking shit???

I mean yes, starting shit with Tory was not the wisest thing to do, but given Sam's trauma and constant concern about Tory coming after her, it's absolutely understandable

Sam lost her temper and lashed out, yes, but it's worth noting that from her perspective she was preemptively striking to get the upper hand in the case that Tory tried to attack her

Which, given Tory's 2 cases of assault against her, isn't a terribly unreasonable assumption--promise to Amanda not to attack Sam or no

Anyways so like...now Miguel is getting mad at SAM and accusing her of RUINING THE NIGHT because she was understandably upset and uncomfortable with her, you know, ASSAULTER being nearby???

Fuck OFF

It's Peak Douche and the most egregiously OOC shit I've ever seen

Like suddenly he doesn't care about Sam's trauma or try to factor it in when she's behaving out of sorts??? Eat my ENTIRE ass

NOT MY BOY

Where the hell is the real Miguel Diaz??? Did someone kidnap him??? Is he playing video games with the real Demetri and Eli???

Sam was more in character than Miguel for sure BUT

She should be much more pissed at Robby for, you know, BREAKING HER BOYFRIEND'S BACK and then looking like he might attack said boyfriend again???

Like it's a little more in-character for Sam to get wrapped up in her rage enough that she doesn't stop to think about how Robby's presence could be affecting Miguel

But she still should have checked in with him somewhat

They BOTH should have checked in with each other when the people who traumatized them walked in, wtf

Like how do you butcher Samiguel so bad in what should probably be the most romantic episode

"You're doing just fine. I love you." "I love you too, Robby" EXCUSE ME

You have the audacity to come here, on the DAY of my Samiguel character butchering, and butcher Johnny Lawrence's character too???

I'm going to light something on fire

Look I hate to be That Guy but lowkey Johnny has been shown to love Miguel more than Robby

Like I don't think either Miguel or Johnny are really in the wrong for that, because like...you can't help that you're just going to form deeper connections and vibe more with some people than others, y'know? And you can't fully help who you love, and how much you love them

Like it's nice that Johnny wants to reconcile with Robby but like

I just CAN'T see him choosing Robby over Miguel tbh

Nor can I see Robby being more on his mind than Miguel while he's in a drunken stupor :/

Damn, first Demetri and Eli, then Sam and Miguel, now Johnny and Miguel...is this episode TRYING to do every single relationship in this show that I like dirty????

And now they're making me watch Miguel cry and ripping my heart in half, as if I wasn't already upset ENOUGH god damn it

In summary AYVKUZDTGWCIYKTDETKCTW (derogatory)

Why

WHY

This episode burned not just my house down but my entire neighborhood down

Look what you've done, Cobra Kai, now I'm homeless

Hol up I need to lie on my couch and cry (derogatory) for a while

Someone PLEASE give me the strength to get through the last two episodes, I'm going to need it :/

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