#love ya tyrion you suck <3

[greenbloods]

honestly hilarious that the lannister siblings are all history freaks in different direction. cersei rolls her eyes that jaime doesn't know what the second blackfyre rebellion was about while he rattles off the tale of ser luthor pisseryon of daeron i's kingsguard, who served for all of seven moons before he died shitting himself en route to dorne. meanwhile tyrion's sitting in the corner reading maester leomore's neo-myrxist critique of archmaester hargreave's account of the Storming of the Dragonpit (The Warrior Himself: Examining the Dying of the Dragons in the Light of the Seven) and not paying attention to it one bit because he’s moping about how everyone in kings landing hates him, the imp, because he’s ugly and rich, and not because he’s a feudal overlord who is fundamentally detached from the immediate concerns of his starving subjects

[girlysword]

Okay, let’s break this down

The North: They get independence, but no one else? Why didn’t Dorne ask for independence, or the Iron Islands? Why didn’t the Riverlands and the Vale say, “You know what? We just gonna hang with our Northern peeps. See ya suckers!”

Bran:

1. Bran has lived his entire life in the North, which has just seceded. Being a functional foreigner was one the red flags about Daenerys. Not that Bran will go mad, but there is a reason there are residency rules for a politician to be eligible for office.

2. None of these people know Bran or what he is like as a ruler. His only experience is about two weeks when he was ten.

3. Bran can’t have children. Uncertainty in terms of inheritance is what started all this. The show also made a point to show Westeros isn’t ready for a democracy yet.

4. Isn’t the supernatural supposed to be a double-edged sword? ( Not that Bran can do much anyway, seeing as how there are no weirwoods in KL)

5. Besides Tyrion being Hand, this is the endgame I have the hardest time imagining GRRM actually writing. From what I remember, the theme of leadership in Bran’s story in tied with Winterfell, not the concept in general. But GRRM did say he was going to a have a twelve year old conquer the world, so what do I know?

Tyrion:

1. First of all, I’m not pressed about Bronn. I’m positive that is a show invention.

2. Even leaving out bringing the Mad King’s daughter to Westeros, Tyrion has made several errors. But he has to be Hand to fix his mistakes. WHY COULDN’T THAT BE JON’S KARMIC JUSTICE?

3. Speaking of Jon, why is he punished for kinslaying and not Tyrion?

4. I have two theories for what happened

a. D&D love Tryion so much, they ignored GRRM’s ending

b.  GRRM meant for Tyrion to be the villain who survives. He becomes the new Littlefinger, slithering his way into places he is not wanted.

Sam/Davos/Brienne:

1.  Before this episode, these characters have been really hard to predict for me. I flip flopped back and forth between an ending close to what we got, and a more domestic ending.

2.  As Jon’s best friend, who learned important things and challenged the status quo, it seems logical to give Sam an “important” part in the endgame. On the other hand, he is the closest analog to Samwise Gamgee and it would have been sweet to see him settling down with Gilly and their children. People have also pointed out that he technically isn’t qualified to be a maester. (If I were writing this story, Sarella Sand would be Grand Maester).

3. Davos has been so close to the politics of the story, again, it seems logical to give him a political ending. On the other hand, in the books, he has a family to go back to.

4. Brienne is the perfect knight, but she also is the sole heir to her house. Has the Knightsguards vows changed so they can inherit? You think that would important enough to include…(this is one of the things that pissed me off about Jaime’s ending. He and Brienne would have made lovely Lord and Lady of Tarth)

5. To make matters more confusing, I’m pretty sure GRRM doesn’t consider these main characters so he might have not told D&D where their stories end.

Jon:

1. HIS PUNISHMENT MAKES NO SENSE

a. Jaime wasn’t banished and he killed a king half the country supported. Dany just showed up and burned everyone.

b. Greyworm started the killing of innocents on the ground and he is leaving. Why on Planentos does he have a say?

c. There is no reason for the Night’s Watch to still exist. The White Walkers are gone and the Wildings are chill now.

d. What remains of the Wall is in the North, which has just seceded.

2. If this is GRRM’s ending, I’m sure leaving will be Jon’s choice. I still hate it, Jon abandoning his responsibilities grinds my gears, but that at least makes sense. I also think GRRM will make it clear that Jon and Sansa have feelings for each other, but they can’t be together right now. I feel like D&D felt beholden to what GRRM told them that they laid hints for Jonsa, but were too chicken to stick the landing.

Arya:

1. I actually don’t mind this ending. Or at least I saw it coming. That “west of Westeros” line in season 5 wouldn’t make sense without this. Although, a lot of things were hinted without follow-up, so, again, what do I know? (Was there any significance to the white horse Arya rode, or what it just a pretty visual?)

2. I hope that this is what GRRM meant by a twelve year old conquering the world.

3. GRRM said none of the spinoffs cover the continuing adventures of Jon, Arya, and Sansa. Which makes me think he is going to give them an ending that sets up possible continuing adventures. Which makes me think, for better or worse, the show endings are likely some pale resemblance of the book endings. For these characters at least.

4. I think GRRM would make it clear that Arya is going to come back someday, and that she makes sure that her family is okay before she leaves (why didn’t she go to Sansa’s coronation D&D?)

5. Someone write a fanfiction of Arya’s continuing adventures, change the names, and publish it (like a reverse Fifty Shades).

Sansa:

1.Besides Dany’s character arc, I feel like this is the only thing D&D got kind of right. The coronation scene is absolutely the scene in Sophie’s house. D&D went all out directing that.

2.It really sucks how alone she is though. There aren’t even any friends or family there. Where is Arya?  or Captain of the Sansa Stark fan club, Yohn Royce? I feel like GRRM wouldn’t leave Sansa that isolated. She would also probably have an inner monologue about how her heirs will be sired by a wolf (waggles eyebrows).

3.In addition to the Sinbad Arya book series, someone write a book series about a queen and her wildling lover.

Drogon: There is a WMD on the loose! That can only cause problems in the future.

Me: I’m doing really well actually. After the leaks came out, I decided to just assume the absolute worst and it worked for me. I’m pretty light-hearted, ready to let go and live exclusively in fanfiction land. I’m not even planning to read the books (if they come out) unless I hear really really good things about them.

[sigurdjarlson]

thoughts now that the episode is over

GOT SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS

my dog decided to whine and cry for NO REASON during the entire show so i may have missed some things. (seriously we took him out like 5 times. he only does this when we sit down to watch GoT? its so weird. Every time he sits there and whines and cries)

I know Sansa is being an asshole too but I really, really wanna slap Arya across the face lmao. I wouldn’t. (and not just because she’d kill me in a second) But she’s pissing me off

Everyone in the “Let’s capture a Zombie Squad” is hot af??? Like they could all get it im ngl. Sandor. Beric, Thoros, Tormund, Jon, Jorah, Gendry...can they like gangbang me? Please? Hnhnnhnnn

People have criticized the plotline this season but honestly I’ve been loving this season. GoT is really just D&D’s asoiaf fanfic after all and its better to just enjoy it as thus instead of bitching about it. I’m so over nitpicking things anymore. Shows are meant to entertain and I’m entertained. 

I love Sandor Clegane with every fiber of my very being. I love how they really, really showcased his PTSD here. I just want to hug him every time he cringes, flinches or turns away from fire. (you could see so much guilt on his face when he didn’t save Thoros from the flaming zombie bear)

I KNEW we were gonna lose someone tonight. Me and my mom decided beforehand it was either gonna be Tormund or Thoros. We were right on the second guess. I did love that fire worshiping nutcase. </3 (anyone else kinda ship him and Beric? Just me? Okay) 

‘I want to have babies with her” Tormund is all of us when it comes to Brienne

“Do you want to suck my dick is that it?”  “Dick?”  “Cock.”  “Oh..dick. I like it.”  “I bet you do.” 

^^ was a legendary exchange. also if someone doesn’t write a fic...

Tormund saying Sandor had sad eyes made my heart hurt.

“I hate gingers.” You’re a god damn liar Sandor Clegane.

Gingers love him tho

Gendry is everyone’s bitch. And...you know he’s totally a bottom. Such a bottom bitch.

“You’’re the fastest” he took like three seasons to row back onto our screen

Please tell me some of you are cooking up some smut with some combination of the Capture a Zombie Squad. (hell...or all of them)

I screamed so many times during this episode. Thanks to every one of those fuckers for giving me about 50395i4 heart attacks. 

It’s a testament to how desperate he was that you got Sandor Clegane to get on a fire breathing lizard. 

Arya is really pissing me off I’m sorr y 

Sansa pissed me off too when she was snippy with Brienne tho. They’re both pissing me off honestly (I still love them tho. Flawed characters yas) 

Petyr is playing them both like fiddles and I just !!!! K I L L    H I M 

“Sir Jaime is there. You said he treated you well.” MY JAIME/BRIENNE HEART IS SO EXCITED. SHE’S GOING TO KINGS LANDING. JAIME IS THERE. THEY WILL REUNITE

in reality I don’t believe Jaime is going to get a happy ending. It breaks my heart but none of the Lannisters will. They’re all beautiful walking tragedies. That’s how it’s been set up from the beginning. 

Yes now the rains weep o'er his hall, and not a soul to hear.

Just saying that’s totally setting up for irony. Ugh. My heart hurts but Jaime and Tyrion are most likely not making it out of the series imo (Cersei definitely not) 

They KILLED the FUCKING DRAGON. Was that Rhaegal or Viserion? It was really hard to tell but either way I am SO upset. I’m not crying YOU ARE....I am. I cried a lot. My heart and stomach physically ache from grief...and gallstones. but a lot of grief too

Drogon’s scream when the spear hit his brother absolutely tore at my heart. And then him calling for him later on...ow ow ow  ow 

I’m starting to warm up to Jon/Dany ngl. As my mom and I said..THEY DON’T KNOW..and she’s just his AUNT. (Honestly I don’t care. I’ve shipped incestuous ships before and this one isn’t even close to being the worst one ldhkgfdh. They weren’t raised together. Don’t even know they’re related. It’s only incest because they’re related by blood. (well thats the definition of incest but you know what i mean. they don’t have a familial bond/dynamic) /shrug. Either way it’s fiction who cares. 

It’s cliche (fire and ice) but honestly I’ve always wondered if that’s where it was going because of all the hints regarding them so it’s not really that surprising.

where the fuck is my man Sandor going?? Go to winterfell now. Reunite with Sansa. REUNITE WITH SANSa PLEASE. (#1 asoiaf ship right there)

Dany/Jorah also has a special place in my heart for the record. Sadly she doesn’t feel the same for him. (I find it annoying when people paint him as a brony friendzoni type because he has NEVER blamed her for not wanting to be with him. He still loves her and wants to be by her side regardless of whether or not she loves him back. If she wants him there he will be there. That’s love, fuckers.)

I wish Sandor would have mentioned Sansa so Jon’s tiny ass would have tried to fight him like he does whenever anyone mentions Sansa. It would be so funny lmao (also would be an interesting conversation) (he’s so protective of her. its so sweet)

Is bran still out there staring at that fucking creepy ass tree? probably. someone should make sure he didn’t freeze to death

I really need to rewatch this episode because it took two hours to fuckin watch because SOMEONE with four paws and fur wouldn’t stop whining. (we had to stop and rewind so many times)

 Jon Snow owes me a kiss for every time he’s scared the living FUCK out of me (nice shirtless scene tho nice)

I’d love to see Jaime react to Tormund’s interest in Brienne (but he’s gonna be 50000 miles away from them </3) I just really want some jealous!Jaime okay. Gimme.

My heart aches for Dany it really does. Those are her children. Truly. She just had to watch one of her babies die in front of her and there was nothing she could do to help

There have been so many awesome scenes CGI wise this season though. I’m so happy with that. DRAGONS DRAGONS DRAGONS YES (STOP FUCKING KILLING THEM. YOU ALREADY KILLED MOST OF THE DIREWOLVES YOU ASSHOLES)

Where’s Theon “walking disaster” Greyjoy. I want to protect him. From what? Everything.

[dachi-chan25]

Game of Thrones- Season 7 episode 2 Recap (Pt. 1)

So after debating a lot with myself I decided to make this post because I have a LOT of thoughts and feelings about got’s most recent episode.

I can’t promise I’ll keep doing this for the next episodes (cuz I’m hella busy right now) but I’ll try anyway.

WARNINGS: This is obviously gonna contain SPOILERS; while I try most of the time to be neutral and objetive if you are a ride or die D@ny Stan this is not the recap for you (I find her intresting as a character but I DON’T have any love for her since season 4); I’m clearly a Jonsa shipper so of course I’ll be talking about it.

Cool? Let’s begin!!

——————————

1.- So we start with a storm hitting Dragonstone, cuz the episode is called “Stormborn” so there must be a storm cuz -poetic cinema- anyway we pick up where we left last episode. D@ny is with her small council, and Varys is recalling her birth (but we already knew she was born during a storm soooo) and D@n-D@n admits she doesn’t feel like Dragonstone it’s her home. I honestly called it since episode 1, her ‘coming home’ scene was very dry to me, it held no emotion and I’m glad at least she now recognizes she is here for the Iron Throne and not because she wants a home (and hey maybe she does but- even if I’m going to sound like a cheeseball- neither a castle nor a throne are a home, and she has forsaken love [aka. Daario] to get both of those things soooo) Yeah so it’s time to drop some truths, and Varys admits his loyalty is only to the people and D@ny agrees to forgive him for trying to get her killed under the condition he doesn’t conspire against her but tell her if she’s failing him and the westerosi people (but then she threatens to burn him ‘as expected from the Mother of Dragons’ he says ‘as expected from the Mad King’ says I)

Thing is, from Varys’s POV, she is the best damn chance at getting a somewhat decent ruler (I mean compared to Robert who didn’t care about ruling or Cersei who is ruthless of course I see his point! Plus she kind of has a legit claim over the IT) but does it mean she should??? If she cared so much about being a good ruler (not a conqueror) and doing right by her subjects then she already sucks at it. Look at Mereen, it was supposed to be her “practice” at being Queen and apart from ending slavery (with very questionable decisions) what good did she do??? She left the place in RUINS with no new system to rule, and her ex-boyfriend in charge, someone who has no political history and who lead a very violent group of mercenaries, not only that but she left the city in a very vulnerable spot, and her subjects must recent her for that.

Now I know lots of people are praising her for not burning the whole damn city, but I don’t because that would be a dumbass move and who would want to regin over ashes?? I mean not even Cersei.

Back to the episode, another fire-lady (aka Melissandre) arrives and talks about the Azor Ahai (we even get a brief lesson of High Valaryan) and mentions casually that Jon Snow is KitN, Tyron is like ‘he’s cool bro, we should totally recruit him’) and the D agrees to send him a raven to summon him so he can bend the knee.

WHAT THE HELL???? Melissandre is clearly saying there’s some serious shit happening and D@€n€rys is more worried about stablishing her supremacy than asking what is the threat???? This is why I dislike her so much. Tyrion doesn’t look thrilled by the way.

2.- Wait is this season 1??? Noooooo it’s Jon and Sansa recreating yet another Ned/Cat scenes like the totally platonic siblings they are.

So Tyrion’s raven has arrived, and looks like someone learned from his mistakes and is disscusing things privately with his most trusted advisors (aka. Sassy pants and Dadvos). Totally platonic siblings agree that Tyrion is cool, but they find this invitation very suspicious… And they should because being the sneaky clever man we all know Tyrion fails to mention that part about bending the knee (not a very favorable beginning for J0-J0 and D if you ask me) however Dadvos point out they might have a use for her big ass army and flying-magical lizards against the WW.

Sansa refuses to send Jon, and Dadvos is like lmao no!!! Jon is ours!!! But being Ned 2.0 we all know duty and honor comes frist to him *sigh*.

3.-Cersei is holding court (to like 5 people) trying to sway the Reach Lords to her (dark) side, by telling them how dangereous is DT (which I find ironic cuz like she is not the only one who burns her enemies sister) but as we see with Randy Tarly people are not so charmed by their new “Queen”.

Jaime honestly just keeps disappointing me, and even when I dislike the Tarly bitch I applaud his loyalty to Olenna (that Red Wedding reference was savage!!) and let’s admit it, it’s FUCKING impossible to choose between Cersei whom is ruthless and hated and D@€n€rys with her three massive weapons and her army of rapists and slaves from their POV.

Also let’s fear not cuz Maester Qyburn has solved the dragon dilemma by making a big-ass crossbow that pierces right to a dragon’s skull honestly wtf.

4. Back with D@nee, we have the Greyjoys, Tyrells and Dornish (or what is left of them) at a war council making not-so sneaky plans: Yara and Ellaria want to burn it all down and take KL, Olenna actually supports them. But the D just won’t do it, which I completely support (#stop killing the small folk in your stupid Wars 2kforever) Ellaria calls bs cuz ‘this is Esparta- I mean war!!’ she and Tyrion have a face-off about Myrcella (a minute of silence for book!Dorne’s storyline) and honestly I just new this council was gonna be a hot mess, everyone wants revenge.

And D@ny knows but tries to bring them to heel anyway, so they explain their strategy: a site. Using the Dornish and Tyrell army (so she won’t burn them but is willing to let them starve to death. FUCKING charming) but actually is kinda clever because Tyrion predicted Cersei would try to turn the Lords against them for bringing foreginers (which they totally did) and wants a westerosi vs. Westerosi battle, and he hopes it might sway some Lords to their side while he and the Unsullied take on Casterly Rock.

Everyone agrees that is an awesome plan (I call bullshit) and D asks to have a word with the Queen of Thornes. She is not deluded into thinking they actually care for her (well done D@ny) but she promises Cersei will pay!!! And Olenna gives her the shittiest most OCC advise ever: be a dragon (which translates to: burn them all!!!! And don’t listen to your advisors cuz they are mans) but I understand she has nothing to loose now (honestly the thing I liked about the Tyrells is that they fomented Love and not fear so I was rolling my eyes so hard at this) so she stopped caring about keeping the small folk happy.

5.- Sammy Pottarly on Oldwarts, working with Archmaester Slughorn!!! they basically tell Jorah they can do nothing for him, Sam feels bad for him and offers to send word to his family, Sam gets the big 'I’m a Mormont’ reveal and he immmediatly decides he can’t let this Man die even if he knows nothing about him. I Love ya Sammy but don’t.

This is getting too long so I’ll make a second part with the rest of the episode.

[boystownbirdie]

LMWTV4U: GOT S7E1

Welcome back to let me watch TV 4 U (LMWTV4U) where I watch TV shows so you don’t have to! If you’re not a GoT-watcher or you just need a review, check out my pre-season-6-GoT primer here or you can just check out the review/recap of the last ep of season 6 here

It’s GoT season 7 y’all- WHO’S EXCITED?

As always, spoiler alert. Also, I’m introducing a new segment of this blog called WHY DOES THIS SCENE EVEN MATTER or (WDTSEM?) to help us decipher when some seemingly unimportant or otherwise boring scenes actually do kind of matter. So watch for that. Now let’s get into it! 

Over in Frey-ville/ Riverlands...

So we open on Walder Frey (aka Argus Filch from Harry Potter) giving a toast to a bunch of his people, all of whom have to wear inexplicably weird hats that seem to serve no purpose. Off the bat we know something is up because Arya Stark, fresh from the face-swapping-assassin-training academy, definitely killed Filch in the last ep of season 6. He’s gathered up all of his hat-wearing friends and family and is like hey guys, here’s some NOT POISONED wine let’s have a toast. It’s pretty obvious it’s Arya doing a really good impersonation of Filch/ wearing his face, especially when he doesn’t even pretend to take a sip of his wine. He’s all, hey remember when we killed all those Stark people, especially the mom and the hottie son, Robb and his preggers wife? That was fun, right? And all the poisoned guys are like yep murder is fun you are correct. Then he’s like too bad you didn’t kill all the Starks cuz one is still alive and…. It’s ME BITCHES. 

And she rips off Filches’ face/body and is like SURPRISE! And because this is the season of the woman, she doesn’t let any of the poor servant girls (who were like 15 years old and all forced to marry Filch) drink any of wine but she’s like, I know this is confusing, because I was just wearing the face and body of your former husband but it’s me, a fellow 15-year old girl and please tell everyone THE NORTH REMEMBERS. (If you’ll recall the Stark fam is from the North and a bunch of them died at the red wedding which was FOREVER AGO)

Later in the ep, we catch up with Arya who is riding around on a horse like a boss when she happens upon ED SHEERAN. SERIOUSLY ED SHEERAN IS IN THIS EPISODE WHY? I DON’T KNOW. And he’s singing a song with some soldier bros, duh. And I guess they’re from the Lannister army (if you’ll recall the Lannisters are the incest twins) because they’re wearing their colors and they’re like ugh King’s Landing (where Queen Pixie Cut aka QPC is currently ruling after blowing up most of the city) is the worst. And Arya is like umm ya it sucks, last time I was there I saw my dad get his head chopped off, BUMMER. She doesn’t say that actually but she does listen to them talk about how they wished they were home with their family instead of fighting for QPC. 

WHY DOES THIS SCENE EVEN MATTER (WDTSEM)? This scene is pretty clearly a setup to get Arya to consider meeting up with her bro (well actually uncle) and sis in Winterfell rather than her current single-minded pursuit of killing QPC. Anyway, the strangest thing about this scene is that one of the bros is like ya my mom always said to be kind to others and they’ll be kind to you and also none of the bros say anything murder-y or even slightly assault-y for that matter toward this young girl traveling alone WHAT SHOW IS THIS? On any other season of GoT this scene would have been a literal bloodbath.

Sidenote: when the opening credits run we FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER only see Westeros rather than both sides of the globe (or is it a globe? Idk. g.r.r.r.r.r. Martin plz advise) cuz our Khween Khaleesi is no longer residing there.

Next, let’s check in up North with Bran and his pal Meera who recently narrowly escaped a zombie attack only to be rescued by his zombie-uncle.

Bran is having a vision, as he is wont to do, of the “Night King” (zombie leader guy) plus thousands of zombies marching toward the non-zombie world. Some of them are even zombie giants which is super spooky. He’s like let’s GTFO and get south of this giant ice wall so they coming a-knocking on the ice-wall-door which, if you’ll recall is manned by all those moody celibate dudes that Bae was briefly murdered by before coming back from the dead. Bae’s friend who is in charge now is like umm new phone who dis cuz IDK what “Brandon Stark” looks like but it’s probably not you. And he and his friend Meera are like we promise, we’re cool and they let them in.

WDTSEM? Bran and Meera’s next stop after passing through TSA security is probably to see his sis and bro at his home, Winterfell. Last time that poor boi was there he was paralyzed, briefly made leader, ousted, forced to watch the whole place burn down and then had to escape before he was killed. So needless to say he’ll be happy to see that it’s not only rebuilt and no longer a torture dungeon, but being ruled by his fam! AND he’s the only one who knows the truth about Bae the R+L=J theory so he needs to drop that bomb on erry’body that basically means that Bae is kind of a rightful ruler and also Khaleesi’s nephew?!?

Speaking of his home, let’s check in with Winterfell...

Bae (Jon Snow) is like wow being in charge is hard no wonder Obama turned gray lol-is-this-thing-on? And Sansa is like eye-roll and they have a little tiff in front of everyone which is EMBARRASSING. A few important things happen here: 

Bae tells everyone to dig for dragonglass cuz it’s the only way to kill the zombies. He’s like hey bois, gurls, gender-non-comforming-individuals, EVERYONE needs to get to work and dig and learn to fight

Everyone’s favorite pint-sized-ruler-of-Bear-Island, Lyanna Mormont, is all about that lyfe, as shown in gif above

Bae is like wow little kids are pretty good at being in charge so let’s put these other 2 lil’ squirts in charge over at their houses

Bae sends hottie-ginger-wildling-bae to guard part of the wall where the zombies are probably heading first. Goodbye ginger-bae. 

Sansa does not agree with the putting-kids-in-charge bit which is what they argue about but he does it anyway. They kind of makeup and then they talk about how Cersei (aka Queen Pixie Cut aka QPC) is in charge now and Sansa is like she cray but also a BAMF. 

Later we get a scene of Brienne, everyone’s fave lady-knight, training her squire how to fight and are reminded that ginger-bae has the hots for her. As Sansa watches this all play out, Littlefinger (ugh he is the WORST) comes over to tell Sansa for the 80th time that he loves her and wants to rule the world with her. And as she has done 80 times, she’s like NO THANKS DUDE. 

Speaking of Queen Pixie Cut (QPC) let’s check in on her over at King’s Landing…

QPC is ruling whatever is left of her people after she blew most of them up. She commissioned this giant map/painting on the ground and is stompin’ all around like she owns the place, which, to be fair, she does. Her twin bro/lover, Jamie, comes over and is like ummm… what’s the tea? Remember how our last living kid jumped out of a building and died last season… can we discuss? And she’s literally like yolo we gotta rule this place FOR US. And he’s like but we don’t have any heirs anymore, like who’s gonna take over after that you can’t #liveforever this ain’t the high school cafeteria in the film version of Fame. She’s like dontcha worry, I gotta plan.

So Theon’s crazy uncle shows up to see them. If you’ll recall last season, he killed his bro and then tried to become king of the wet-rock-pile by throwing up a bunch of sea water even though his niece, Theon’s sis, was totes supposed to become kween of her peeps. While he was performing his water-gagging-magic-trick, Theon and his sis ran away with a bunch of the peeps and all of the ships. Again, their entire island seemed to have about 20 people so WHO IS ON THOSE SHIPS? IDK. And he was like NBD I’ll make a bunch more ships AGAIN WHO IS BUILDING AND THEN RIDING ON THESE SHIPS IDK. So I guess the ships are built and people must be on them because they show up to QPC’s shores and she’s like whatup. Jamie is NOT HAVING IT mostly because he is jelly since Theon’s crazy uncle (TCU) is hittin on his sis. TCU manages to squeeze in a really sick burn when he’s like well at least I have 2 working hands (Jamie got one chopped off 3 seasons ago) and then he asks QPC to get with him. She’s like naw dawg so he’s like NBD I’ll be back with a “very special present” and heads off. They also banter about how his niece and nephew and Khaleesi and QPC’s other bro (Tyrion) have all teamed up and are headed that way.

WDTSEM? In the books, apparently TCU has some sort of magic horn that can call dragons? I think this might be the gift he’s going to get and bring back to QPC which would be CLUTCH because in the upcoming battle against Khaleesi, the ability to control those dragons would be really helpful.

Next, let’s see how Sam is doing over in “Oldtown” where all the maesters live...

If you’ll recall, Maesters are like doctors/librarians/historians, each of whom is assigned to either a place (like the ice wall) or a family, I guess (like the Starks). Sam wants to be one but he also is NAUGHTY and brought his gf and her bb with him (Maesters are also supposed to be celibate like the ice wall guys). He’s in maester-training-camp which includes a lot of diarrhea, apparently. He’s like cleaning bedpans, putting back library books, and doing autopsies on the reg. JIM BROADBENT aka Prof. Slughorn from HP aka Harold from Moulin Rouge shows up and is like DON’T GO IN THE RESTRICTED SECTION OF THE LIBRARY, SAM (flashes of Harry Potter, amirightladies?) so of course Sam does. He sneaks some books home and finds out that “Dragonstone” which is a castle near King’s Landing that Khaleesi is heading towards, is built on top of heaps of “dragonglass” (which, I mean, could have guessed) so he’s like I gotta tell Bae since I know bb boi is trying to stock up on that. Also, there’s a brief scene when Khaleesi’s friend who had the turning-to-stone-disease (Stoney) is like in a hospital where Sam is working and is pops his stone-hand out and is like IS SHE HERE YET? Aka Stoney wants to know if Khaleesi has made it to Dragonstone yet, which WAIT TIL THE END OF THE EPISODE, DUDE.

WDTSEM? Especially the scene with Jim Broadbent (JB) is important because he talks about how the ice wall has always held up after centuries of zombie attacks and how empires rise and fall and just like go with the flow, Sam. My guess is that they’re bringing up how strong the ice wall is and how unlikely a zombie-attack really is because this is something that may actually happen now so we can really grasp how high the stakes are nowadays.

Before we get to Khaleesi, we have to check in on “The Hound” who’s walking around with those fire-worshipping dudes these days…

Is it just me or is man-bun guy kinda hot? So he and “The Hound” come across this farm house which the Hound is having some guilt about b/c last time he was in the hood he killed the girl and her dad who lived there. They find their bodies and everyone is like IDK who killed them but ugh… that’s life. And then the fire-worshipper-guys are like here look at this fire and remember the Hound hates fire because he got half of his face burned off as a kid. But he does look at the fire and has like a premonition of zombies going around the ice wall and attacking all the living people. Then he and hottie man bun bury the dead girl and her dad outside because the Hound feels #guilty for killing them I guess?

WDTSEM? Well the Hound used to be really murder-y but then he was saved by Ian McShane and his group of like Amish people (much like Harrison Ford in the film Witness) and decided to renounce violence. He used to work for QPC’s family and then kind of kidnapped Arya but also was not the worst to her (or to her sister for that matter) so if shit’s going down he could potentially be on the Stark side of things now. 

Lastly, we check in with everyone’s fave kween and co, Khaleesi, who rolls up on Dragonstone with all her pals…

She hasn’t been to this side of the world since she was a wee babe so when she steps foot on the sand, she’s like give me a minute y’all. Then she walks into the castle and looks at the throne, which is NOT made of a bunch of swords but rather a slab of rock and is still pretty baller and walks right past it to head to the room with the giant map on it. Previously, Stannis and his friends lived there including sweet ole’ no-knuckles who is currently #teambae and he spent a lot of time strategizing and having sex with witches to produce demon babies on that table. Khaleesi looks around and then is like, let’s get it started in here #blackeyedpeas.  

WDTSEM? Well, duh, cuz Khaleesi is in it and she is basically the Beyonce of GoT. But also because she has had this single-minded pursuit on the iron throne (chair made of swords where QPC is currently sitting) so you’d think she’d like take a minute to sit on this rock-slab-throne and savor the moment, but she (unlike QPC) knows that a true kween not only sits there, but also gets shit done. And I think this scene is supposed to contrast how #woke Khaleesi is compared to QPC. Both have giant maps and thrones now, but QPC is so out of touch that she has no time for strategy or listening to other people’s advice. 

Final thoughts:

This ep was what the TV people call a “table setting” episode and it did just that. The drawback is that it was pretty boring. We just check in on all of our key players/places and see how everyone is doing which is normally quite helpful in GoT world. But the season 6 finale already did that for us, so it seems to be just an extension of that episode rather than something new and exciting. Now on to our superlatives...

Biggest surprise this ep: Sam is interning for JIM BROADBENT these days, which is pretty great. Also Ed Sheeran lives in GoT-world I guess which actually explains a lot.

Biggest letdown: We only get THREE WHOLE WORDS from Khaleesi in the entire ep!

Important fashion moments: Sansa’s new lacefront is NOT working for her. With this budget you’d think they could afford better wigs! Also, while I won’t miss the Mereen subplot, I will miss Khaleesi and co being in a warmer climate because she and her friends had some killer crop tops/ cut out dresses/ bright colors . Now that everyone is on the cold side of the world, we have much less #fashun.

Who died this ep? A bunch of Walder Frey’s main cronies

Check in next week when we’re promised someone will finally be strangling littlefinger so we may be rid of his creepy soliloquies soon! Thanks for reading tell your friends!

CORRECTION: After checking my sources, it seems like the Hound maybe didn’t kill the farmer dude and his daughter but instead stole their shit and so they were forced into the dire circumstances that led them to their death. So while it sounds like he didn’t kill them, he still feels guilty that he basically caused their deaths.

Also, I incorrectly ID’ed Bae as Khaleesi’s uncle a few times but actually she is his aunt I guess? Sorry to lead you astray! 

[lupin-bun]

Oof! There’s a lot of these but Imma do it anyway...

1: Name - Jac (or moron. Either works)

2: Age - 26 physically. 12 mentally

3: 3 Fears - Balloons, the dark, PEOPLE!

4: 3 things I love - Animals, films, sleeping

5: 4 turns on - Pass

6: 4 turns off - Pass

7: My best friend - @thezombiewithglasses

8: Sexual orientation - Er... fucked if I know! Pan, I guess?????

9: My best first date - Sitting and talking about parrots until 2am (seriously)

10: How tall am I - 5′8″

11: What do I miss - University to be honest

12: What time were I born - 3:25pm

13: Favorite color - Purple and aqua blue

14: Do I have a crush - Not currently

15: Favorite quote - “There is always a choice. The choice might be between slavery and death but there is still a choice.” - Tyrion Lanister (No I don’t watch G.O.T. anymore but I managed to hear that line)

16: Favorite place - Wherever there’s peace, quiet and birds

17: Favorite food - It changes but I’m liking Chinese at the moment

18: Do I use sarcasm - Not at all! Geez. I NEEEEEEEVER use sarcasm! *Eyeroll* *Tutting* etc.

19: What am I listening to right now - Various rustlings of an owl on the webcam I have open.

20: First thing I notice in new person - Eyes

21: Shoe size - Kangaroo sized

22: Eye color - Yellowy green... I think it’s called hazel?

23: Hair color - Mousy with silver highlights

24: Favorite style of clothing - Pirate or punk (or punk pirate. Ooh! I’ll have to try that!!)

25: Ever done a prank call? - Fuck no!

27: Meaning behind my URL - I’m a captain and my name’s Jac

28: Favorite movie - ‘Jaws’ (sounds stupid I know but it has solid gold character development, I swear!)

29: Favorite song - ‘Dead Man’s Party’ - Oingo Boingo

30: Favorite band - Oingo Boingo

31: How I feel right now - Happy because I’ve had a nice day out :) (Also I need to pee but I don’t think that counts)

32: Someone I love - Craig

33: My current relationship status - Taken and happy (for 3 1/2 years)

34: My relationship with my parents - Pretty good actually

35: Favorite holiday - Newquay in 2013 because that’s where I met Craig

36: Tattoos and piercing i have - None

37: Tattoos and piercing i want - LOTS!!! FUCK!!! But I’m a chicken

38: The reason I joined Tumblr - Because my mates did. Lol

39: Do I and my last ex hate each other? - Well HE hates ME let’s put it that way

40: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts? - Seeing as I now LIVE with the person I used to send those to, no.

41: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted? - Er... *Checks phone* No. Work colleague.

42: When did I last hold hands? - This morning <3

43: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning? - 20 mins

44: Have You shaved your legs in the past three days? - Nope. But Craig has.

45: Where am I right now? - In my living room

46: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me? - I never get drunk anyway

47: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level? - LOUD

48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad? - Nope

49: Am I excited for anything? - I’m nearing the end of a project, so yeah

50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to? - Yes. 

51: How often do I wear a fake smile? - EVERY. FUCKING. DAY. at work

52: When was the last time I hugged someone? - About 3 hours ago

53: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me? - She’d get a knuckle sandwich and Craig’s ass would get dumped

54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not? - Probably. I’m way too trusting to be honest...

55: What is something I disliked about today? - The train being half an hour late! Ugh!

56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? - Trump. Down a dark alley. With a baseball bat.

57: What do I think about most? - What I want to be doing rather than the shit I actually do!

58: What’s my strangest talent? - I can bend back into a bridge and rest on my elbows

59: Do I have any strange phobias? - Fucking balloons! I hate them!

60: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it? - I WANT to be in front of it but I’m shit at it so...

61: What was the last lie I told? - I honestly can’t remember

62: Do I prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online? - *Shrieks in fear at the concept of EITHER*

63: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens? Yes and yes

64: Do I believe in magic? - Yes

65: Do I believe in luck? - Mm... I’m not sure about that one

66: What's the weather like right now? - Mild. Also dark because it’s 8:30 at night

67: What was the last book I've read? - Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

68: Do I like the smell of gasoline? - Yes actually

69: Do I have any nicknames? - Not any more but my dad used to call me “muppet” when I had long hair

70: What was the worst injury I've ever had? - Split my chin open and the bone was visible

71: Do I spend money or save it? - Save it. Wanna buy a house. Mm hm

72: Can I touch my nose with a tongue? - Nearly

73: Is there anything pink in 10 feet from me? - Yes. An old diary

74: Favorite animal? - I have LOADS!! Don’t make me choose!

75: What was I doing last night at 12 AM? - ...Hurr hurr. Fuckin’!

76: What do I think is Satan’s last name is? - Smith (lol)

77: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it? - Baby Jane (I don’t fucking know why!)

78: How can you win my heart? - “Want to go see this new kid’s movie? I’ll buy the snacks”

79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone? - “Out to lunch. Back in 5 minutes”

80: What is my favorite word? - Bollocks

81: My top 5 blogs on tumblr - I don’t know!! I LOVE YOU ALL!!!

82: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say? - Stop fucking up the world please. Thank you kindly.

83: Do I have any relatives in jail? - I hope not

84: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power? - Shapeshifting

85: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on? - It would really depend who was asking. There’s no one question I really fear answering under the right circumstances

86: What is my current desktop picture? - Reno and Rude from ‘Advent Children’

87: Had sex? - See question 75

88: Bought condoms? - Yes

89: Gotten pregnant? - No

90: Failed a class? - No

91: Kissed a boy? - Yes

92: Kissed a girl? - Yes

93: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain? - Yes

94: Had job? - *Have job

95: Left the house without my wallet? - Ho yes! And fuck me was that annoying!

96: Bullied someone on the internet? - No

97: Had sex in public? - .... Next question

98: Played on a sports team? - Does Karate count???

99: Smoked weed? - Yes

100: Did drugs? - ....OTHER than weed I assume? No

101: Smoked cigarettes? - No (I’ve smoked weed but not tobacco. How ‘bout that)

102: Drank alcohol? - Yep

103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan? - No

104: Been overweight? - “Technically” I’m overweight now but I don’t give a fuck. 

105: Been underweight? - Yes and it sucked.

106: Been to a wedding? - A few

107: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight? - HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight? - PAH HA HAAAAAAAA HAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!

109: Been outside my home country? - Yes. Twice. Once to France and once to Prague

110: Gotten my heart broken? - Fuck yeah

111: Been to a professional sports game? - No

112: Broken a bone? - Not yet, fingers crossed

113: Cut myself? - Yes (and I assume this means self harm)

114: Been to prom? - Yeah but it was while I was with someone abusive so I didn’t enjoy it

115: Been in airplane? - Yup

116: Fly by helicopter? - No but I want to

117: What concerts have I been to? - Went to a Stiff Little Fingers gig on Monday and also been to a few others and also seen Danny Elfman perform.

118: Had a crush on someone of the same sex? - Yes

119: Learned another language? - Trying to learn Russian (just because)

120: Wore make up? - Yes. Love it

121: Lost my virginity before I was 18? - No

122: Had oral sex? - Yep

123: Dyed my hair? - Yes. I’ve been purple, blonde and silver.

124: Voted in a presidential election? - No but I did vote in the general election in the UK

125: Rode in an ambulance? - Not that I remember

126: Had a surgery? - Does having my face stitched back together count?

127: Met someone famous? - Yas bitch! Met Danny Elfman and also met John Hurt at my graduation (I WANTED to meet the band members of SLF on Monday but we had a lift waiting and we didn’t want to be disrespectful)

128: Stalked someone on a social network? - I’m not proud of it but yeah. I was a lot younger.

129: Peed outside? - Yeah but only when I’ve really been caught short.

130: Been fishing? - No. I think it’s cruel if you’re not going to actually eat the fish you haul out of their natural habitat

131: Helped with charity? - Yep. I used to work at a bird rescue trust

132: Been rejected by a crush? - MAAAAAAAANY times

133: Broken a mirror? - I kicked one by mistake

134: What do I want for birthday? - Just had it but I got Pokémon cards that I wanted :)