#made it on a whim might delete later idk

[crispyliza]

Dad: *spents every moment he can with me as a baby constantly repeating the word μπαμπάς (dad in greek) over and over*

Me: *says "μπαμπας" as my first word*

Dad:

Mom:

[briannasroger]

Hackers and Hijinks (ch.1)

pairing: nalu words: ~4200 rated T for language probs.  note: don’t steal if you can avoid it, kids~ also, decided to publish this on a whim. next update? idk, but I know this won’t be very long. Four chapters max.  read on ff.net. 

summary: There’s thieves and then there’s Thieves. Know the distinction because while thieves might steal your pants, Thieves will ruin your life. Lucy Heartfilia, solo hacker code-name Ashley, has no reason to ruin anyone’s life till her odd new team takes up a job a little too close. 

-- aka the leverage au no one asked for --

Her computer was a beaten up old thing that Lucy had built from scratch and when she turned it on, it gave an awful sort of roar before she tapped the tower with her toes gently. It spluttered and then calmed to a low hum as it began to boot up. She straightened up, stretching her arms as she waltzed to the fridge on the other side of her apartment. It would take a gracious minute for Crux to load up and her stomach ached for sustenance after the lackluster food of her last job. Chips and bottled soda were useful in moderation, but for three days while she tried to crack a code that was prehistoric was disgusting. She pat her stomach, grimacing, as she resolved to do a few extra sit-ups in her workout regnum -- whenever she got around to doing that, of course. It was like they expected her figure to stay this way through vigorous workouts rather than healthy eating choices.

She considered cereal, just to be lazy and rush back to her computer, but Crux was still humming, the noise similar to a snore, and it was still on the logo screen. Perfect. It left plenty of time for her to make some scrambled eggs and toast. She mouthed a song as she made her food and when it was done a few minutes later, she deposited it onto a paper plate and made her way back to her desktop.

"Good job, Crux," she said, setting her plate aside to free her hands. Old Crux wasn't useful for missions on the go; it was too heavy and complicated for travel, but most of her work from home was done on Crux. With its extensive passwords designed to give her system time to delete anything and everything if someone didn't type one of the passwords right, it was the safest place in the world for her to keep record of things without fear of someone getting a hold of it.

All prepared, Lucy munched on some of her eggs, opening a document to write on and adding some information from her last job. Nobody required her reports, but she kept careful track of everything she did, from who sent her the job (Nab) to how much she got for it (10,000 jewel) to what she had to do (hack into some CEO's computer and send along the incriminating files to his now ex-wife's new business and then erasing all of it from existence) to how long it had taken (roughly three days, most of which had been spent erasing all of it from some websites that pushed her from performing a slightly illegal act to an entirely illegal act).

It wasn't a fun objective, but the jewel was worth it, especially since her rent was coming up soon. Very soon, she thought with a grimace, her eyes falling to the calendar where one week from today was circled in green ink. She didn't have quite enough and she didn't know if there was anything else for her to do in that short amount of time. Hacking wasn't as easy as it looked on television -- it required dedication, patience,

Lucy tapped her nails on the desk, shoveling a bite of eggs into her mouth, doing a mental tally of how much she had received in the last few weeks. Definitely, definitely -- one of her jobs had paid her quite a bit to hack to disable a security system long enough for one of their hand-selected thieves to steal a priceless harp and run for it. Lucy pumped the air, relieved, and whirled around in her seat to face Plue, a medium sized, white haired dog that eyed her with something like amusement. "Ugh, can you imagine if I hadn't done that job? I was worried about working with someone, but without it, I would be about 10,000 jewel short!"

Plue barked and then growled.

She frowned, turning in her seat to face him. "No, she didn't, I think I would remember that, Plue!"

He growled again.

"Definitely not, she wouldn't- OH NO, SHE DID!" Lucy eyes had landed on the computer screen, where her meticulous notes told her plain as day where a 35,000-jewel job was dropped down to 15,000. In the notes along the side, she could read the simple IDIOT in green text in a tab labeled notes. Lucy dropped her forehead onto the table, narrowly avoiding a collision course with her plate of eggs and wailed. "She only paid me half!"

Plue wagged his tail.

Lucy shot him a look. "Don't look so smug. If I get kicked out, so do you."

He whined.

"That's what I thought. C'mon, buddy, we're going for a walk and we need to move fast."

...

If there was one thing that Lucy hated about her lifestyle -- other than the fact that it was entirely unethical -- was how little she could predict the shortcomings for it. Nobody told her the day she ran away from her father would end up with her put those long hours spent learning the craft under a hand-selected tutor's eyes to good use, but not by creating top of the line security in a constantly changing market. No, she was using every skill and bit of knowledge to worm her way through each of those security measures her father loved. It was a fun job usually, her own pickiness kept her from straying too far down the wrong moral spectrum, but the money was few and far between no matter what she did.

It, perhaps, didn't help that her job had very specific requirements. She was a hacker, damn it, not the person who handled fighting people like a beater and not adept at adopting personas like a grifter and she couldn't pull off the dedication of a thief. Even in this technological age, most jobs required something of the other three and Lucy didn't really want to learn how to do any of them. Well, not to the same extent as others who fine-tuned the craft as well as she did hacking.

Sometimes she wondered if the lifestyle change from heiress to Thief (capital T because it wasn't the same thing as thief), but then she imagined her father fuming in his large, loveless manor as he tried to keep her betrothed in the dark and the hassle was worth the freedom.

"Come on, Plue, we're almost there," she said, trying to sound cheerful for both their sake's as she led him down a dimly lit street at midnight.

The cobbled road was worn and cracked, making her stumble often in her haste, but she didn’t notice as she picked her up again, eyes focused on an ugly, green-bricked building across the street. A rickety sign of florescent red hung from proclaimed it to be the tavern Twilight Ogre. It was a sign of her desperation that she made a beeline for the door, grimacing at the custom ogre head they had for a handle. She shoved it open, the creak of the doors like a gunshot, but nobody heard over the blaring sound of some sport playing on a television in the corner. The tavern was at full capacity for a Wednesday night, but all the better for her, that would mean her target was nearby. The woman only ever came in when the place was busy.

Her eyes narrowed, fingers fisting around Plue’s leash when he strained, lips curling up in a snarl at another patron’s barking dog. A dog easily twice his size; no doubt it would be taller than her on its hindlegs. If she hadn’t been terrified at the idea of wandering down a dark street with only mace and some rudimentary self-defense skills, she wouldn’t have even brought him. The other dogs would eat Plue in a heartbeat. She pulled him away, heading for a slightly less busy corner of the tavern and crouched to rub his head, murmuring soothing words till his growls dropped to a whine.

“I know, buddy, but we’re desperate,” she said, giggling when he licked her face. She shoved him away after a final pat and straightened. She scanned the crowd, passing over the woman in the corner till the sequin on her blue bikini flashed under the lights very briefly. It was just enough to draw Lucy’s attention back to her and grin. The woman smiled back, tightening a jacket over her top once more as Lucy stepped around a few people to reach her.

“People are going to ask questions if you keep showing up here,” the woman said, nursing a glass of booze. She was average height with wavy brown hair and dark eyes. Though the smile on her face was a picture of innocence, the tilt of her head suggested thoughtfulness. Like an animal examining a new threat. “I thought you didn’t want part of this mess?”

“I don’t. Whatever you and your team are trying to do with this place is up to you, I already gave you the files,” Lucy replied exasperated. “I’m not here as competition, Cana”

Cana’s face lit up. “Well, you never know these days, I heard just the other day that the Thunder Legion cut ties with the rest of their team.” Lucy bit her tongue, trying not to get drawn into the gossip. Then, satisfied that Lucy wouldn’t be stepping in on the current job, Cana leaned forward to say, “Even heard that Phantom Lord is heading this way.”

Unable to resist, Lucy dropped into the booth beside her. Plue’s leash was loose in her hand and any other time, she would worry, but he settled himself on her feet protectively beneath the table and stared out. “No way?” She asked, gaping. “They haven’t been seen this far north since-- “

“Since that whole issue with their element team getting their asses handed to them,” Cana said, smug. Her plans were the ones that lead them to it and Lucy didn’t bother piping in about her own contribution. There were some secrets that she would take to the grave and her ties with Phantom Lord was one of them. “They must have finished licking their wounds and are looking for new territory in Bosco.”

“Or maybe a job?”

“Nah, there’s too many people out here with game already and most of us know what they can do, nobody is stupid enough to call for them. Maybe desperate, but I haven’t heard anything like that, they would have gone snooping around somewhere for me to hear,” she said, tapping the table thoughtfully. “Bosco seems like the best bet, they lost too many good players to try again and nobody is going to trust a leader that loses his entire crew.”

“True,” Lucy agreed. Then she shook her head. “I’m not here to gossip!”

“Figured, you would have been more interested in the first bit. What are you here for?”

Lucy bit her lip. It was one thing to have the epiphany in her apartment among the comfort of her home and the desperation to keep things the way they were, but in the bar, confronting her, felt a little like Lucy was selling her soul to the devil. But then it would surely be a death sentence to end up on the streets now when her father’s nose poked out of every other sanctuary. Mind made up, she settled her hands in her lap beneath the table to hide the nervous fidgeting. “I… need a job.”

Cana grimaced, lowering her drink to the table. “I don’t have any for you right now, I’d have to take a look. And I can’t ditch this job for another day or two at the soonest, maybe a week at the most.” Lucy didn’t believe in teams, but contacts were a different story. The only way to make it anywhere in the world – whether that be the vapid politics of her father’s world or the morally questionably portion of Lucy’s – was to know people.

Lucy and Cana’s friendship extended to any last-minute hacking that Cana needed at the drop of a hat and Cana passing along jobs that her own team wasn’t doing or planning to do. They were both runaways, she figured that was why they got along so well, even Cana didn’t necessarily know about the similar stories between them.

“Next week would be too late. My rent is due soon and I’d still need time to do the actual job,” Lucy whined. “You don’t have anything?”

For a moment, Cana’s face was hard and unrelenting, but then a shadow passed over her face and she grimaced, ducking her head down. “I do, but you’re not going to like it.”

Lucy slumped. “I’m desperate, but I’m still not going to become a murderer.”

“What? No! We’re Thieves, not death dealers and I wouldn’t recommend a job that bad,” Cana said, aghast. “I meant that I have a team in need of a hacker since their last one ran for it again -- and you’d be perfect for this job.”

Again? How many hackers did this team lose on a daily basis? Wait…  

“A team?” Lucy’s brow furrowed. The last one she worked on was the whole reason she was stuck here, groveling for help, and she certainly didn’t want a repeat of that mess. …you’re not going to like it. She froze, eyes widening. “Oh, no, please don’t tell me it isn’t— “

“Yup.”

How desperate was she?

Beneath the table, Plue whined and she groaned, knowing the answer.  “Shit. Fine. Whatever. What’s the job?”

…

Meetings were, in her opinion, one of the worst parts of the job. First impressions were crucial and a bad one could make or break a job when it came to meeting clients – no one wanted to add a hacker that looked as though a strong wind would knock them over, not unless they had the notoriety of Levy McGarden, a hacker who was as deadly as she was small.

First impressions were easy with clients, she had managed to charm enough of them for the brief moments of speaking that she didn’t worry. But a team? People she would be working with for an indefinite amount of time?

She blew a curled strand of blonde hair out of her face, waiting for the rest of her team to arrive. After leaving Cana the night before, she had hurried home to set up a go-bag and Plue for a few days with her neighbor before collapsing in an uneasy sleep, waiting for Cana to send her the meeting spot. She had thought going to sleep at 7pm had been early, but when the text came at midnight to meet them after dawn at the port south of the city, she had been grateful for the extra sleep.

Not so much for the rush job to get herself ready to meet them with a portion of her gear in tow. With first impressions on the mind, Lucy had curled her hair and dabbled in her too expensive for daily use make-up before tossing on a yellow jean skirt, a fitted green tank-top, and her favorite pair of brown boots. Cute yet casual and - the most important part - easy enough to sprint in. She didn’t think Cana would set her up, but she hadn’t made it this far by being so trusting.

When half an hour passed without anyone’s arrival, Lucy almost bolted with that exact panic in mind. She held herself in place, poise in her stance, hiding the rising anxiety when the murmur of voices echoed in her ears.

Good news: Cana wasn’t setting her up.

Bad news: Cana hadn’t been joking when she said her team was with him.

“Hey, I know you!” He said, a fanged grin on his face as he left behind a scowling dark-haired man. “Not sure where. Have you stolen from me before?”

“No.”

“Have I stolen from you?”

“In a way,” she answered honestly, crossing her arms. “And I was hoping Cana was joking when she said it was you.” Her sigh made the other man laugh.

“Cool,” he laughed. “No hard feelings?”

She didn’t reply. It wasn’t the first time she had worked with Natsu Dragneel – it wasn’t even the first time she had worked with him this month. A note labeled idiot stood out in her mind, though it was hard to attach that thought with the cheerful smile on his face.

It was her first time seeing him in person rather than through pictures. He was taller than her by quite a few inches with the muscles and build of someone who could easily be a beater and she admittedly found it hard to focus when he wore a vest instead of a shirt, exposing his toned stomach to the world. She tore her gaze away, narrowing her eyes on his hair instead. It was a bright pink, spiked away from his green eyes – it was the exact opposite look for someone who was a thief. Maybe that was why he sucked at it so much, she thought, remembering her docked pay.

She added, “It makes sense that I’m working with you since it’s your fault I’m in this mess anyway.”

Natsu blinked. “Eh?”

“We worked on the harp case together. You know, the one where you went against the plan. I’m short on rent now,” she said, rubbing her face.

“No way. That was you?”

“How do you remember me but not from where? There were pictures of the team before you signed on!”

“I didn’t look at it much, I was more focused on getting the harp,” he admitted, scratching his chin.

“As lovely as this reunion is, we should get down to business, we’re already running low on time and I’d rather figure this out before we get on the train,” cut in the other man. Lucy blinked, remembering the other two. The man who spoke was easily the tallest of the team, seeming to stare down at them with narrowed blue eyes and an icy frown on his face. As though he could think of better place to be than here. A woman wearing a bullet-proof vest and a skirt stood beside him, a cool look on her face and a cascade of scarlet hair falling down her back.

“Fine, fine,” said Natsu. “That’s Gray and that’s Erza, they’ll be working with us on this job as well.”

Lucy froze in place. The name Gray wasn’t as familiar to her, but Erza Scarlet was a legend in her own right and it took everything in Lucy’s power not to squeal at the sight of her. She settled on a dazzling smile, hoping to convey her admiration for the woman in her handshake. Erza returned it firmly, crushing her fingers, and Lucy hid a wince, wondering what she had done to offend her already.

Then Erza smiled, a bright beautiful thing that transformed her entire face. It was hard to imagine that someone who looked so kind could beat up a squad of 100 men by herself. “We’re happy to be working with you, welcome to the team,” said Erza, releasing her hand. “I’m afraid I didn’t have time to ask Cana your name?”

“Pleasure. I’m Ashley,” Lucy said, the lie falling from her lip easily. It’s easier to use her middle name than trust them with her secret. They were thieves -- wshe didn’t know the price they would need to give her up, but she knew everyone had one. She shook her fingers, trying to regain feeling. “So, what are we doing? I wasn’t really told anything about the plan other than the fact that we aren’t going to murder anyone.”

“With Erza here, that might be a little unlikely to hope,” Gray muttered to Natsu, who nodded vigorously before seeming to realize who spoke. Lucy ignored them as they began scowling at each other, focusing on Erza instead.

“I need you to dig up everything you can on a man named Jiemma,” Erza instructed, sinking down onto the bench beside her while Lucy unfolded a notepad for notes. “We don’t know much about him, not even a last name, but he’s the current guild leader for Sabertooth.”

Lucy’s pen jolted, a blob of ink streaking across the page. Sabertooth was a well-known law firm on the outside, but everyone who was anyone knew it acted as a base of operation for a group of freelancers who did any number of jobs for money. Some within the bounds of the law, some not. It wasn’t unlike Fairy Tail, another group of freelancers, who specialized more in stealing back from other thieves; they were a bunch of Robin Hood’s. It was a mentality that Lucy could appreciate after escaping from her father’s uncompromising will, but a naïve one. People didn’t just join Fairy Tail, nobody even knew where they were headquartered. Hell, she didn’t even know people in Fairy Tail, she had only ever seen their calling card once.  

But Sabertooth… They were the only guild to be out in the open and it was well-known who the mastermind behind it was.

Lucy found her words. “How? I thought the leader was someone named Eucliffe.”

The smile dropped from Natsu’s face like a stone. The group shared an indescribable look, communicating silently with their eyes and Lucy glanced away from the uncomfortable team moment. She was aware, now more than ever, that they had been a team together for a while. Her contribution was last minute and in the dark. Her only job was to hack, to give them information – it didn’t matter who the mark was or why they were after them either.

“Never mind,” Lucy started, raising her notepad again to continue the debriefing, but Natsu cut across her.

“Sting’s the client, we’re here to clear his name and prove that Jiemma is a crackpot old fool before word gets out too far,” he explained slowly, adjusting a checkered scarf around his neck. Briefly, she caught glimpse of a large, faded scar that stretched from one half to the other, like a botched beheading, before it was covered once more. She forgot about it in the next second, biting back the urge to ask what Sting’s charges were, but half afraid that they would deny her the knowledge. Natsu, unnoticing or uncaring, continued, “It would be bad if people found out he wasn’t the master anymore.”

“Bad is an understatement,” Gray said, kicking at the ground, his hands shoved into his pocket. “Sabertooth takes the heat off all the other guilds, nobody is going to look any deeper than them if another calling card comes up, but if Jiemma changes the game for the worse like he is then people are going to dig more.” Lucy felt cold just listening to him speak; she wouldn’t be in any danger from Sabertooth, her work was too independent, but the worry in his words, so different than the emotionless drivel of his introduction, made her feel as though a target was growing on her back by the second.

“Which is why we need to know everything about him,” interrupted Erza, punching her hand into the bench. Lucy swallowed her yelp as the wood splintered under Erza’s attack in a shower of shards, but Erza paid no more mind to it than her companions. “The only other thing we know about him is a connection to Jose Porla.”

Lucy stilled, a blot growing on her paper beneath Jose’s name, trying hard to keep the shock from showing on her face. At this rate, her page would be less notes and more of an artistic statement.

Erza brushed the dust from her gloves. Like Natsu, she seemed oblivious to Lucy’s reaction. “Eucliffe reported that he saw them hanging around together often before his fall. They were last seen in Crocus, which is where we’re heading together on the next train. How soon can you dig up everything on Jiemma and Jose?”

Lucy cleared her throat in an attempt to appear casual and hoped that Gray, with his narrowed eyes, would fall for it as easily as his companions. “Jiemma might take a little while, he might be the master of Sabertooth, but if this is recent, then he likely won’t be in any of their official files yet. I’ll need to do an independent search from the get-go. Jose Porla though… I actually know him already,” she said, her words growing sheepish when Erza frowned. Natsu’s mouth hung open, but she couldn’t tell if he was paying attention to their conversation or not.

“How?” Gray asked skeptically.

“I’ve done a job involving him before that went south, before Cana’s team took him down,” she lied, shrugging her shoulders. Gray nodded, placated. “It’s been a while, a year or two, so I’ll double check what I know, but he was quite comfortable the last time I saw him and he isn’t the type to change his routine.” Her fingers tightened around the pen, but she forced them to relax. No need to broadcast that her last encounter with Jose Porla had been only a week before she had changed her identity from Lucy Heartfilia, heiress, to Ashley, hacker.

Natsu’s eyes were too excited for her comfort. “What do you know?”

“Too much to tell you before the train gets here. You know, it’s a good thing we’re going to Crocus already. He’s based in Oaktown, but he’ll be in Crocus for business around this time, most of his type are. Might be able to take them both down before the day is up.” And she wondered, briefly, if Cana knew a lot more about Lucy than she ever confessed. After all, who would be more perfect for a job involving Jose Porla than the girl who ruined his life?

[unpretty]

Please post pics of your new mixer attachments?

IT’S TIME FOR FOODBLOGGING PART TWO: THE PRODUCT REVIEW THAT GOES ON FOREVER AND MAKES YOU READ MY LIFE STORY BEFORE TELLING YOU WHETHER THE THING IS WORTH BUYING

(spoiler: maybe the ice cream maker, almost certainly not the juicer)

when last we left our heroes, i did not have a stand mixer, but then my dad bought me one and then very recently bought me some fancy attachments for… my brother’s birthday?? i don’t really know why, maybe he just likes buying kitchen shit but has run out of room in his own kitchen and is living vicariously through me. who knows, whatever.

i’m using this recipe for ice cream, and this kitchenaid ice cream attachment thing. at least i assume that’s the one, it’s the most popular one on amazon and that’s generally how my dad makes purchasing decisions. the new york times claimed to have the only ice cream recipe i would ever need, but it involved, like, cooking some egg yolks and milk in a saucepan and basically making a fancy fucking custard as step one, and that’s too many goddamn steps. all of the recipes that came with this fucking attachment were just as bad so fuck that, if this recipe is good enough for ben and/or jerry it’s good enough for me, i’ll save the fancy shit for when i’m in the mood to really hate myself. where was i.

don’t @ me about the imitation vanilla, i know i should be using real vanilla and not dollar store fake shit, i don’t care. this tiny corner of the counter used to be my designated tea corner but it’s kind of become overwhelmed by fifty million fucking appliances, but especially this goddamn stand mixer. it’s huge. it’s fucking monstrous. i’m really hoping we can get a table, or an island, or a buffet or something to keep this thing on once we get rid of the kitchen couch. don’t ask about the kitchen couch.

that picture is from last september, why the fuck have we had a kitchen couch for so long. anyway this recipe says to whisk together eggs and sugar until they’re fluffy but not firm, which i guess means whisk the shit out of it but don’t make a meringue? i don’t know what constitutes fluffy.

once i arbitrarily decided it was fluffy enough i dumped all the milk and cream and fake vanilla in there, but like, there ended up being just a bunch of egg yolk sorta stuck to the bottom of the bowl that i didn’t find until later when it was too late. this happens every goddamn time i use this fucking whisk and you’d think i’d learn but i do not. @kitchenaid why

here’s the real moment of truth, the ice cream maker. i’ve been keeping the bowl in the freezer since i got it and it takes up literally half of my dinky little freezer. they say to freeze it for a minimum of 15 hours but to keep it in the freezer all the time so you can make ice cream on a whim, but they sorely overestimate the size of my freezer or underestimate how much room i need for pizza rolls.

when i took this picture i had actually already started making it, but originally i was going to just… idk. ladle the mix into the ice cream bowl out of the big silver bowl. that was A TERRIBLE FUCKING IDEA, and ice cream mix got everywhere, and i don’t have any pictures of that because it turned out you could see my reflection in the silver bowl and i’m not wearing pants. i haven’t been wearing pants this whole time. wait, does that picture from earlier have my reflection in it? shit. it fucking does. i’m going to edit that with a sticker or something but only people who’ve made it this far into the post will know why that’s there. there’s going to be a cut here but to people on mobile it will just look like the post ends and for that i apologize (or maybe… you’re welcome???)

as you can see there is like an inch or two where you can pour the mix in, which is why the ladle was such a fucking shit garbage idea, but once i put the mix into a measuring cup like a sensible person it was fine. at this point i just have to let it run for a half hour, so i figured i’d set some bread out to rise and maybe stick some milk in the crockpot to make yogurt while i was at it.

this all sounds very productive but i keep a huge tub of bread dough in the back of the fridge at all times so i can just make bread whenever, it is actually the laziest bread in the fucking world

and yes, before you ask, i did buy one of every flavor of the mystery flavored peeps. i also still haven’t put any pants on. at this point i went to set a timer for the yogurt and realized that i had never actually set a timer for a half hour, and had no idea when the ice cream was supposed to be done. i would just have to eyeball it and hope for the best.

slightly more like ice cream, but still not ice cream

this is what it looks like outside and i’m making ice cream, what am i even doing.

that seems… doneish? at this point it was like, noon, exactly, which would maybe explain why i didn’t set a timer, because maybe i thought i could just remember that it was supposed to be done at noon. i don’t know why i thought that. i have been dealing with myself for 27 years so you’d think i’d know better.

THIS FUCKING THING is a straight bitch and a half to get all the ice cream off of and i was determined not to waste any so this was the point where i just started licking it. and like. HOLY SHIT. HOLY SHIT. IT’S SO GOOD. i tried to take a selfie of the look of awe and wonder on my face but at this point i had bedhead and no pants and my face was covered in white vanilla cream so i think you can understand why i deleted that posthaste.

it came with a tub to keep the ice cream in, so, that was nice.

FINAL VERDICT: it works. but i’m pretty sure you can get dedicated ice cream makers for cheaper than this thing and they wouldn’t take up much more room than this bigass bowl. but if you’re determined to maximize the value of your colossal fucking kitchen appliance then this is a good use of a kitchenaid.

NOW FOR THE JUICER

“kitty that sure does look like a lot of fiddly bullshit to attach to a kitchenaid” haha you are CORRECT. note the helpfully provided toothbrush to help you clean this thing. but WAIT UNTIL YOU SEE HOW IT GOES ON

THIS IS THE LEAST STABLE LOOKING THING IN THE WORLD. it’s fine, but, jesus christ. this looks so unsafe. somehow they’ve found a way to make a kitchenaid take up even more goddamn counter space. as long as i’m bitching, i fucking hate juice recipes. they’re all like ‘four stalks of celery’ but like that’s not a fucking measurement?? what size celery are you using??? i guaran-fucking-tee it’s smaller than the celery i’m using because there’s no goddamn way you want four of these.

i barely even want one of these. i’m only using this because i bought this big fucking bag of celery and now i need to get rid of it. what is even the point of having celery in this? it doesn’t have vital nutrients. it’s just water with regrets. don’t juice celery.

they say you don’t have to peel the ginger or the carrots but unpeeled carrots make the worst juice in the world and i don’t want to risk drinking ginger skin. have you seen ginger skin. it’s gross. i also core all my apples even though i shouldn’t need to because i’m convinced i’ll drink apple seed juice and get cyanide poisoning somehow. anyway i’m sure there’s a way to peel a lemon without wasting all the lemon juice but i haven’t found it.

that looks like the world’s worst salad. you have to carefully position the pitcher and the pulp thing or you’re going to have a lot of problems.

starting off with carrots was actually a terrible goddamn plan because that would be one hell of a way to find out i positioned my pitchers wrong. ‘whoops, now my counters are ruined forever because carrot juice will stain everything you love’. incidentally the little thing that holds the beater/whisk/whatever just kind of spins wildly for as long as you’re juicing. it’s deeply unsettling.

this is… okay, i will be the first to admit that this does not look great. i used the low pulp filter but there is still a significant amount of pulp. but once i run it through another filter and mix it all up…

… it actually looks worse. okay so i just kind of made up a recipe because i figured, like, carrots are good and blueberries are good and kale exists, but now i realize why i couldn’t find any carroty blueberry-y recipes. it’s because it looks like shit. now i understand why people color-coordinate their veggies. i drank it and it actually tastes… like a lot of ginger. i put too much ginger. my sinuses have never been so clear. but now the best part: CLEANUP

that sure is a whole lot of shit i get to clean, now. there was basically an entire cucumber in there, which plus the pulp and the peels and everything is a whole lotta trash. i’m giving it to mom’s chickens so it’s not a complete waste but good god.

FINAL VERDICT: i like being able to pretend that my kitchenaid is for anything besides making me fatter but this is not a good juicer. it somehow takes up more room than a normal juicer, it’s horrible to clean, and it’s not even cheap. it’s better than no juicer, and if someone offers you this juicer then you might as well take it, but like if you have options, this is not the one to go for.

unrelated to the kitchenaid, the bread turned out great. i had it with some creamed honey i bought from the muffler shop in town that a beekeeper owns, and some cherry jam. it made me feel really healthy and wholesome about eating what was basically a hunk of carbs covered in sugar.

[softjun]

i was asked to do a tutorial on how i make my icons by anonymous, so here’s my super easy way of doing it. there’s no major editing or backgrounds simply because i’m super lazy and i prefer the look of clean, bright icons. i’ve only ever used this method on cartoons (voltron. i’ve only ever made voltron icons lol), so i can’t say for sure whether this method would work well with real people. just keep that in mind!

for some examples of what you can make, here’s my icons page.

please like/reblog if you try it out, and feel free to ask me any questions.

in order to follow this tutorial, you’ll need a basic knowledge of photoshop - i use cs6, for reference. you might be able to create a similar product on other programs like gimp? idk.

one. choose a screencap to use for your icon. generally, i take my own screencaps right from netflix on my computer, but there are a wide array of websites you can get better quality ones from. i’m just lazy and this works for me. 

it’s best to choose a scene where the character’s body is in full view, and one with a simple background, as this makes it easier for you later on.

two. isolate the character from the background. for this, i like to use the magnetic lasso tool. it can be a little fussy to deal with at times, but i find it’s a quick, effective way to get the job done. if the background is one solid color, i’ll sometimes use the magic wand tool, but other than that i use the lasso.

once i’ve got the subject outlined, i right click and choose the option ‘select inverse.’ then i delete the background.

three. next, you’ll want to clean up any areas the lasso tool might not have gotten. for this, i zoom in at 100% and use the eraser to get rid of any weird bumps or leftover background.

four. i find that my icons look best when i use the stroke option on the subject. i double click on the layer and select stroke, leaving whatever default options are set. since my screencap is so large, having a 3 pixel border makes it look like the original drawn outline is still there (something that the magnetic lasso tool usually erases). plus it just makes the subject look a lot more crisp.

i clean up with the eraser one more time after applying the stroke, because it’s easier to see imperfections and stuff once they’re outlined.

five. i crop the image so that it’s square, and resize it to 300x300 pixels. i like this size because they look nice in photosets and that way, people who want to use them can crop them if they want.

six. coloring! for this, i use my own psd that i use for voltron gifs as well. i couldn’t find a good psd that didn’t whitewash hunk, lance, and allura, so i made my own on a whim and now i’ve been using it for everything. because i’m lazy. if you ask nicely i might post it. 

the general idea for icon coloring is that you want higher contrast and bright colors because of their small size. most voltron screencaps are bright enough already, so it’s really just a matter of adding contrast and a little vibrance.

so that the coloring doesn’t interfere with the background, you should right click on the subject layer, select ‘select pixels,’ then go to your coloring group and apply a layer mask.

seven. create a new layer and bring it to the bottom. for background colors, i usually like to pick out colors from the subject because i find it makes everything feel a lot more cohesive.

then you’ll want to use the paint bucket tool to create a solid background.

eight. so that nothing looks too flat or boring, i add soft light layers of gradient. the first one goes right in between the background and the subject. go to layer > new fill layer > gradient...

set mode to soft light, and choose the black to white gradient. adjust accordingly, depending on how strong you want the background gradient to be. for this one, i’ve kept it at 100%

the second gradient i add goes over the entire icon, at the top. do the same thing in creating a new gradient level on soft light, but this time choose the color to transparent one. this just helps make the icon look a little more put-together imo.

again, adjust opacity to your liking. i adjusted mine to 90%.

nine. sharpen the subject layer. i use smart sharpen, and the default settings. if it looks oversharpened, that’s fine because it looks better when it’s actually icon-sized.

ten. save (for web) and use! i save my icons using the png-24 settings... i think they’re default - i don’t remember tweaking them ever. does everyone with photoshop have a png-24 option??? i know nothing about photoshop truly.

here’s my final product:

this tutorial was actually a lot longer than i anticipated... i promise it doesn’t take that long to make these!!! usually it’ll take me anywhere from 5-20 minutes to make an icon, depending on how often i fuck up the magnetic lasso tool.

hope this is helpful to some people. any questions, feel free to pop into my ask box and i’ll do my best to help you!