#maes shifting motivation

[maebyshifting]

the thing about shifting is that i feel you have to be delulu for a lot of it to get the results you want.

like, having a dream about your dr. some say that’s a great sign as your subconscious is recognizing what you want! some dismiss it and say that can’t be a sign because dreams are unpredictable and you can just dream about things you’ve been thinking about.

the thing is, if it motivates you and makes you feel one step closer, then that’s what it is! i feel like we put so many invisible barriers and rules on what is a sign, what shifting it, how you can do it, etc. instead of focusing on how cool and easy it is.

so if something happens and it motivates you, who cares what others say. don’t let others rain on your parade. you take the signs you want and go shift.

[carissa3mae]

You can do just about anything that you put your mind to! 😁 Think about the last time that you thought you couldn't do something, but then you did. Now think about why you thought that. Was it because it felt hard? Was it something entirely new to you? Or maybe you just had a lot of anxiety and worry about it? Whatever it was, you still did it, right? That's what matters!

When you have the willingness and ability to do the things that you want to do, you can accomplish just about anything! There is so much in life that you CAN accomplish, whether you realize it or not. We tend to underestimate our abilities and put ourselves down when we're faced with a difficult challenge, but the reality is that if we change the way we think about it, we'll feel more empowered and able to complete the task.

The first thing to ask yourself is, why do you think you can't do it? From there, think realistically about the challenge. Is it hard because people say it is, or is it hard because you've never done it before? There are many variables that can give you a realistic look at the challenge before you and help you to think critically about the situation. And when we do that, we're able to have a more productive mindset about it; we can find solutions and calm our anxiety.

The goal is to have a positive mindset whenever you come across a new challenge. You will be able to tell yourself that you're new at it, you've never come across it before, so even though it may look hard and difficult, the chances are, you've just never done it before. But you will be okay! Challenges are a way for us to learn and grow! They are not here to slow us down or to bring us down. We must adapt a positive mindset when it comes to dealing with the uncertain, simply by thinking critically about it. You got this! 💖

[mecachrome]

pre-mclaren oscar piastri primer (ft. maxf, landoscar)

0. introduction

for a few months now i've been wanting to make both an oscar primer and a timeline of pre-mclaren landoscar moments, but i couldn't figure out which one to prioritize… then after some deliberation i finally realized i could just combine the two things together! so. here is an oscar-centric timeline that is mainly about his racing background, moving to the uk, and how he became acquainted with other members of the rfm pack—aka lando, maxf, and logan. i don't know whether any of this information is useful or even vaguely interesting, but i mostly just wrote it for myself and thought i'd share what i had in case anyone else wanted to check it out. please feel free to comment or shoot me an ask if anything here is egregiously incorrect; i've checked and linked as many sources as i could but it's of course possible that some errors remain :)

1. background, rc racing, early karting days (2007-2015)

oscar piastri was born on april 6, 2001 in brighton east, a suburb of melbourne not far from albert park circuit, as the son of chris and nicole and to-be oldest brother to 3 younger sisters. a love for all things automotive ran deep in the piastri family: both of his grandfathers were mechanics and his father had also co-founded his own vehicle diagnostics software company, hp tuners, aka oscar's sponsor throughout his racing career. thanks to his father's business, oscar's family was objectively well-off and managed to contribute a fairly substantial amount of support toward his junior career, but they also weren't swimming in cash by multi-millionaire motorsport standards either.

(L-R) mae, edie, hattie, and oscar, from nicole's twitter — each sibling is ~2 years apart (source)

while most drivers on the current grid were introduced to motorsport through go-karting, usually at or before the age of 7, oscar's path to single-seaters differed slightly. he first developed an interest in racing via remote-controlled cars at the age of 6, when his father brought him a monster truck as a souvenir back from a business trip in america. oscar began racing them that same year, eventually moving to safer electric track vehicles and even winning the second class of the national titles in 2010, at the age of 9. he was so small then that he often needed to stand on a milk crate to see the cars on track, and the next-youngest competitor at the time was twice his age. (source)

oscar on the podium at age 8 (nov 16, 2009)

oscar with his father chris, who often competed alongside him in a separate class (dec 21, 2010)

by 2011, oscar and his father were seriously considering his potential of pursuing rc racing as a viable career path, but things changed when he was introduced to karting via a friend's daughter in the rc community and his aspirations slowly shifted toward racing from inside a car. oscar was an unsurprisingly sporty and competitive child growing up; he'd played some cricket and aussie rules football and knew that all he wanted to do was race professionally, full-stop, at the time thinking along the lines of australian racing categories like v8 supercars. he was still competing in remote car racing as late as 2013, but he began karting seriously within australia in 2014, placing respectably in the junior categories of several regional karting series against relatively senior and more-experienced racers, and even going to france for a one-off event where he finished on the podium of the iame international junior x30 final. this outing affirmed his potential to his father and motivated the two of them to split time between australia and europe in 2015 as they juggled his karting future; plans for two more european events that year fell through, including the cik-fia world championship at the kfj level (which logan sargeant would go on to win), but at this point they were officially looking to take his career to the next level and commit fully to european karting in 2016.

this is when ricky flynn (and the hypothetical idea of lando norris!!!) comes in. before we get into rfm and karting professionally in europe, it's important to note that the defining aspect of landoscar's junior careers is that their pathways never once intersected. in fact, they don't even seem to have met properly before oscar entered the f1 grid as alpine reserve, although they'd spoken over social media and oscar was familiar with several people around lando's life—for example, maxf, logan, guanyu, and even lando's older brother oliver, who had also raced for rfm.

in short, you could say that landoscar's biggest hindrance was their parallel excellence. oscar was good enough to catch up and even surpass everyone else at lando's level, but lando remained untouchable throughout the years. oscar is only 1.5 years younger than him, but their f1 careers are offset by 4 years (2019 vs. 2023 debut) because of exactly two things: oscar's 2022 gap year in alpine and his two attempts at formula renault eurocup. on the other hand, lando sped through all of his junior categories in blistering fashion, falling short of the championship only once: the year he placed 2nd in f2 behind george russell. this is significant because many talk about the clinical nature of oscar's rapid single-seater ascension and three b2b2b victories (still very impressive, especially given his limited karting career!), but all of that speaks equally to the illustrious nature of lando's junior success and the sheer magnitude of faith placed in him as mclaren's "golden boy" coming up the ranks. to put things into further perspective, lando was teammates with maxf and jehan daruvala at rfm until 2014, jehan competing in the same class and max one below, yet by the time oscar was racing max and jehan—in f3 in 2020 and f2 in 2021, respectively—lando was already into his 2nd and 3rd years of f1. here's a chart that hopefully makes a bit more sense:

majorly simplified timeline showing lando, guanyu, maxf, logan, and oscar's junior careers + the karting classes they primarily competed in each calendar year. maxf did not complete his 2nd f3 season and many of them contested multiple/different formula renault series, but this is just a rough overview of their feeder series experience. 

2. moving to europe, rfm, regional formulae (2016-2019)

back in australia, oscar was a member of the oakleigh go-kart racing club and being actively mentored by james sera, a multi-time australian karting champion and fa kart dealer who worked with young karting talents alongside his cousin david. in late-2015, he presumably helped oscar and his father reach out to ricky flynn, who ran ricky flynn motorsport (rfm) and whose team was at the time enjoying exorbitant success in the karting scene; lando had won the world championship at the kf level the year prior, and logan would soon clinch the kfj title in 2015, results which further drew oscar's interest toward the team. ricky flynn agreed to take oscar on and have him and his dad move out to europe, and by november 2015 oscar announced on social media that he would be joining rfm the next year. in january of 2016, he and his father moved to hertford, uk, so that oscar could begin a 100-day karting program and travel extensively around europe to attend races. this is where he met logan sargeant, who was in his final year on the team but competing a class above, now at the ok (previously kf) level. oscar himself was only competing in the okj class.

not oscar-related, but as you can see guanyu, logan, and maxf were already acquainted before oscar and logan met, since the three of them and lando had been in rfm together as of 2014 — (may 11, 2014) & (feb 6, 2015)

oscar and logan in 2016

in an interview published on june 7, 2023, oscar reflected on leaving australia and committing to his racing dream, saying:

"i think if there was a turning point, it was probably when i started finishing towards the front in australia, and i started winning a couple of races here and there and finishing in the top three of championships and stuff, and then went to europe and fully committed to going down that route. [...] there's obviously a very big commitment at that point when you move halfway across the world without family and stuff. so i knew at that point that i really wanted to become a professional because, firstly, that's what i want to do anyway, but, secondly, now i'm sacrificing seeing my family, and stuff like that to be able to do this — which was a sacrifice i was more than willing to make."

like the majority of oscar's karting career, his time with ricky flynn can primarily be summarized as decent. none of his performances were particularly stellar, and in november 2016 he placed 6th in the fia world championship final behind the likes of victor martins and théo pourchaire (he mainly competed against guys like them, dennis hauger, caio collet, etc… once again logan was a class above and lando/maxf had already graduated to single-seaters), but he showed promising racing foundations and a great capacity for improvement, especially given that he'd moved to europe the same year and was still adjusting to life and racing on the opposite hemisphere. about 6 months into his new karting venture, oscar had settled in reasonably well and his father decided he would return to australia to continue on with his life, so they made the joint decision that oscar was to begin boarding at haileybury's uk campus and continue racing in europe entirely on his own. uk and australian school years are misaligned, so my personal understanding is he moved to europe after finishing year 9 in australia, attempted online school/took a few months off (he says he did online coursework here, but mentioned here that he was out of school, so it sounds like it must have been a very half-hearted effort…), came back to australia over the uk summer to do some more karting, then began boarding in september 2016 as a year 10 student. he spent ~4 years there and eventually received his a-levels in 2020, except his final year was disrupted by covid and he never sat his exams. (blog post mentioning his a-levels + btg transcript excerpt about his exams; his website says he attended haileybury from 2016-19, but i think this mainly encapsulates his boarding period, as he was still doing remote work in april 2020.)

oscar in f4 with his gcse revision guide, 📸 sebastiaan rozendaal (may 20, 2018)

2016 is also when oscar began his well-documented super-liking of several of lando's social media profiles. i think understanding oscar's time in rfm and his extremely british single-seater origins helps better paint his history with lando and maxf; my personal understanding of pre-mclaren landoscar is that while oscar never formally met lando or maxf during his karting days, he knew of them quite well through rfm and thus followed them on instagram/twitter after moving to the uk. of course, oscar has a fairly active social media presence in general, so young oscar quietly liked instagram posts and tweets from many different people, but i do feel compelled to note that in the early days he liked lando, maxf, and logan's posts with seriously impressive frequency compared to anyone else on the grid (or anyone in general, really); after creating his twitter account in may 2016, some of the very first tweets oscar liked were from maxf, and he also liked a multitude of mundane lando tweets from 2016 until… today, while on the other hand he didn't start liking george's tweets—another similarly-aged young british talent—until late 2017. (he does have some fun george-admiring moments though, but that can wait for another time!) outside of rfm, other people oscar was familiar with during his early racing years were british f4 teammate ayrton simmons, to-be series champion jamie caroline, and old australian karting friend christian pancione, who appears to still be one of his best mates (if not his best) as of today. fun fact is that christian raced for the carrera cup as a support event to the australian gp in 2023; here's oscar allegedly checking the quali live timing at lunch during his own media day. 

so, to conclude, oscar's early lando focus basically traces back to the motorsport path he took at the behest and guidance of his early rfm connections in the uk. the thing is that despite growing up in australia and vaguely admiring several aussie drivers in f1 as a child (read: mark webber and eventually daniel ricciardo), oscar has never had a specific driver he consistently mentions when pressed for his racing "idol," likely since his personality inherently resists idolatry and he instead views successful people more as actionable benchmarks or reference points for self-improvement rather than as unattainable paragons of accomplishment. as a kid forced to grow up almost entirely on his own, the majority of his racing aspirations were molded independently in the uk—he completed his karting career in the uk, boarded at haileybury for 4 years (fun fact: other drivers to attend include jehan, callum ilott, and clément novalak; callum was a few years above oscar and finished school in 2017, but the two would later become quite talkative over social media anyway), raced in british f4, became a brdc member, contested eurocup under a british license and therefore had the british flag raised and british national anthem played during his wins, stayed in the uk even at alpine since the factory is based in enstone, etc. oscar basically moved to the uk from australia without having really met anyone significant in the racing scene (other than jack doohan, or more importantly jack's father mick, but jack is younger and did an extra year of karting) and pretty much didn't have anyone specific to "look up to" at the time. oscar's first acknowledgement of lando's online existence was in december 2015, when he liked one of lando's instagram posts prior to moving to england, so it can be assumed that lando basically functioned as his most accessible reference point in the junior ladder as a 14 year old dipping his toes into the european racing scene for the first time. that is my highly subjective analysis of the situation!

select quotes re: oscar's inconsistent responses to his motorsport "hero" (or his favorite driver / a driver he looks up to in general):

(f1fs; mar 9, 2022) "i started watching f1 in… 2009 was the first season i properly watched. so when brawn came in, obviously mark was the only aussie on the grid at that point, so i was kind of naturally going for him. then joined by daniel, so obviously going to support the aussies, but i think watching lewis has been nothing short of spectacular, and a very good role model. [...] i think when i was first watching, i supported mark, but, you know, and i hope he takes no offense to this—vettel was winning everything at that point. so i was supporting mark, but vettel was doing most of the winning. i think now that i understand more about racing though, i would say [the driver i look up to the most is] lewis, mainly. the way he goes about things on and off the track is quite exceptional."

(mcl youtube; mar 29, 2023) sporting idols mentioned: ayrton senna, alain prost, michael jordan (see also ultimate athletes list)

(p1; aug 10, 2023) "i would say i never had like one specific idol. when i was growing up watching mark webber was at red bull, and obviously being australian, red bull being very quick at the time, i kind of naturally followed him. i mean—even like some of the guys in the junior ranks above me. like lando was always kind of two, three years above me, winning… most things on his way up. so i guess kind of him in some ways?"

(eff won; dec 4, 2023) "i don’t really have like one specific [idol]. i think what lewis has been able to do in terms of getting to seven world championships was incredibly impressive. i think what max is doing now is also very impressive…" 

the first lando post oscar liked on instagram (dec 21, 2015)

the first maxf posts oscar liked; instagram (feb 26, 2016) & twitter (may 9, 2016)

anyway, back to british f4! despite his initially unconventional foray into motorsport, oscar's journey progressed in a much more orderly fashion once he stepped up to single-seaters. his actual debut was in f4 uae, which he ran 3 rounds of between 2016 and 2017 (another fun fact: this is where he briefly acquainted himself with mclaren indycar driver david malukas, who would later recall him being very intelligent and whom zak brown allegedly spoke to oscar about before appointing to their indy team). after cutting his teeth on actual car-racing for the first time, oscar decided against moving up to the ok class as he felt confident in his ability to be competitive in single-seaters. his first full season was therefore the 2017 british f4 championship, during which oscar signed with arden while logan went to reigning champions carlin (lando had won with them in 2015, then maxf in 2016). oscar made his way to the top step 6 times in the season and placed just barely above logan for 2nd in the championship, finishing behind the considerably more experienced jamie caroline. arden was also founded and is currently owned by red bull team principal christian horner, so it was during oscar's time there that christian took note of and interest in his talent; oscar reportedly did a few runs in the red bull simulator but was passed over for joining the academy, which christian later voiced regret on. (source)

maxf, logan (center), and oscar (to max's right) on a day maxf was visiting the 2017 british f4 grid (april 11, 2017)

linus lundqvist, oscar, and logan on the podium at snetterton (jul 30, 2017)

jamie and oscar, who were… er, mathematically in the main championship fight. for some reason they made them take these photos (sep 30, 2017)

after a successful f4 outing with arden, oscar returned to the team for his first season of formula renault eurocup in 2018, a renault series that ran in its specific configuration until 2020 before merging with the parallel regional series frec to become what is today known as freca. this season proved to be less competitive for oscar, as arden was relatively inexperienced in this series and oscar's three teammates were afflicted with what can colloquially be referred to as a "skill issue," making it difficult to collectively develop the car throughout the season. (blog interview) the series was thus returning driver maxf's to lose, who at the time was racing for reigning champs r-ace with teammates that included oscar's fellow rookies logan and victor martins.

despite the unideal environment, oscar managed to prove his worth by placing a respectable 8th in the series, scoring 110 points as a rookie driver and capping the season off with 3 podiums and a top-finish of 2nd place—a jarring contrast to his teammates' joint total of 12 points. this result attracted the attention of r-ace and granted him a seat with them for the 2019 season, at which point maxf and logan both graduated to f3. thankfully that wasn't too much of a concern for oscar since he'd always intended to do two seasons of eurocup, and now he finally had a chance to win the first serious championship of his racing career with an established racing outfit.

oscar, max, and yifei ye on the hockenheim r2 podium (sep 23, 2018) [full gifset]

oscar's second season of eurocup is when he truly started proving himself as a driver, or at least to the people whose names, money, and opinions mattered around the paddock. his main competition in 2019 was again victor, who was now racing for mp and had been made a member of the renault sport academy back in 2018 after a strong performance in french f4. despite a close title fight, oscar managed to hold him off for the championship in the final race of the season, kicking off what would soon become an impressive string of consecutive single-seater series titles. even sweeter was the fact that all eurocup champions were awarded a renault sport academy spot that could be left or taken as they pleased, and of course—while the finances weren't nearly as impressive as alpine would later proclaim in their baseless smear campaign—oscar's connections in the racing world were limited as an australian driver almost exclusively managed by his father, so he gladly accepted the offer for the many venues of support renault presented to him.

see also: bby oscar briefly mentioning lando after winning eurocup in 2019 (@ 1:10)

oscar being lifted by his team (r-ace) after placing 4th in the abu dhabi finale and winning the title by 7.5 points

3. renault sport academy, lockdown, f3 (2020)

many things happened in 2020. one: oscar became an official member of the renault sport academy, joining the likes of max (who'd been picked up on merit after winning british f4 in 2017), guanyu, christian lundgaard, caio collett, and fellow new recruit hadrien david (victor had been strategically demoted after oscar's win because renault is a notoriously unserious organization, but again this is not the post). two: by the time oscar was ready for f3, moving up the ladder proved to be exorbitantly expensive, and he realized he needed better funds and managerial support to sort his career out. he'd been offered a spot in prema's f3 team by team-owner rené rosin at the end of his eurocup season, who'd named him for the post-season test before the championship was over and stressed that the spot was his no matter where he finished. (source) prema is unquestionably one of the top—if not frequently the top—teams one can drive for in most junior series (though there is also somewhat of a self-selection bias; if you ask oscar he is not a significant beneficiary of prematax!), having absolutely demolished the f3 competition that same year and achieved a clean sweep of the drivers' standings with rob shwartzman, marcus armstrong, and jehan at 1-2-3 consecutively. oscar completed post-season testing with them in spain alongside to-be teammates logan and fred vesti in october (source), before confirming on jan 26, 2020 that he would be joining them for the f3 season as a renault junior.

so, where does mark webber come in here? apparently mark's trainer from red bull and wec had also been oscar's trainer since 2016 (i'm pretty sure this is australian physiologist simon sostaric), and it was through their joint connection that oscar was introduced to mark. according to mclaren's 2023 season preview, "the pair hit it off, and webber took his countryman under his wing," signing oscar to jam sports management, aka the management agency he runs with his wife ann. mark's support would become a major factor in helping oscar progress through the feeder ranks and establish himself in f1, mainly because he had actual connections and could help oscar network with sponsors and negotiate his way during future signings. of course, more on this later.

as an aside, here are a few things mark has said about oscar:

"he’s got that white line fever when he puts his helmet on and turns into a different character, which is sensational." (mar 1, 2020)

"one of oscar’s biggest strengths by a mile, compared to everyone he is competing against — and this will be a huge string to his bow when he makes it to f1 — is his composure. he has immense levels of composure. [...] if you are weak mentally you won’t make it. he was on his own from an early age. he did brilliantly with his studies. but the racing disease would not go away, he wants it very much." (sydney morning herald; dec 11, 2021)

"he’s a prost, mate. he’s such a thinker and so calm. at first i thought i needed to inject a bit of urgency in him, but actually no, he’s got his own frequency. that’s just where he is." (the race; oct 7, 2023)

estimates provided by chris piastri on the cost of oscar's junior career, stressing the million-dollar commitments of running a single season of f3 or f2 (source)

anyway, back to the chaotic events of 2020. i think something that's good to keep in mind when discussing oscar's time in the renault sport academy is that he was actually a relatively new recruit, as in he only participated in a single training camp with the other juniors in 2020 and most of them (max, christian, guanyu, the temporary ghost of victor) already knew each other before. oscar essentially met with renault's factory team in early 2020, filmed promotional material with other juniors in january before attending the season opener together in february and then heading to winter training camp later that month, after which he and max left early for f3 pre-season testing in bahrain on march 1—a blessing in disguise, seeing as caio, hadrien, and christian remained behind and would soon be stuck quaranting in a hotel in tenerife—then briefly spent a week at school before returning home for what was meant to be a quick pit stop at the australian gp, which at the time had yet to be canceled.

then, of course, lockdown happened.

simplified breakdown of renault junior stints, notably showcasing the academy's struggles to meaningfully promote any of its juniors

oscar at the 2020 renault season opener alongside then-academy director mia sharizman, then-tp cyril abiteboul, alain prost, f1 drivers esteban ocon and daniel ricciardo, and the other academy juniors: fewtrell, lundgaard, zhou, david (feb 12, 2020)

oscar and maxf behind the scenes of the same event (feb 12, 2020)

stuck in australia for three months, oscar would end up participating in two fia virtual races, one for f2 and another for f1 (jun 7, 2020). a fun landoscar tidbit is that he finished 5th in the virtual gp right behind lando, so they technically had raced each other before 2023, depending on... well, whether you count a 2020 sim race wherein george russell and alex albon lead the pack as a real race. nevertheless, this was a time when drivers were becoming much more active online, seeing as streaming was the best way to keep their images relevant and connect with fans, and despite oscar expressing little interest in streaming on twitch he would still experience a considerable uptick in his online activity and twitter reach that year.

racing resumed on july 4 at the red bull ring in austria; oscar had been granted an exemption to travel to the uk and complete a 2-week quarantine back on may 27, a reassuring indicator to the motorsport world that the f3 season would run after all. now that he no longer had to attend school, having received 2 b's and 1 c for his maths, physics, and computer science a-levels, oscar relocated from hertford to oxford in june to be near the renault facilities, which he visited nearly every day to train at, and began living independently (as in in a flat) for the first time since 2016, rooming with fellow renault junior caio collet.

as i said before, this season is when oscar's online presence and "memeability" began to really conceptualize, enabled primarily by the fact that he was a) finally living outside of a school dormitory, and b) now, of course, signed at prema, a team notorious for its social media visibility, literal family atmosphere, and frequent youtube pandering. according to this f3 article, his twitter followers jumped from 795 at the start of the season to 11.6k by the time he won the championship, an audience built significantly off the self-deprecating string of jokes he used to tweet regarding drs and general reliability issues faced throughout the season.

what i guess i want to touch on here is how oscar's online presence has always been concentrated around the bare fundamentals of his personality: dry humor, candid words, sparing emojis, a few humorous photos detailing the mundane reality of his everyday routines, and at most the occasional inopportune meme or reaction gif (#thepiastri 🤷‍♂️, f2 in baku, jetpack guy, so on). he's bantered frequently with callum on twitter and near-obsessively liked memes, videos, and other updates lando shares with his audience, but he also has seemingly little interest in building up his own "brand" the way lando so smartly has with ln4 and quadrant, and quite frankly seems viscerally incapable of wanting to engage one-to-one with fans or otherwise leveraging the popularity of his material image. basically what i like to say is that oscar enjoys being adjacent to "lad humor" and will happily enable it, but he really has no interest in being the one to initiate it himself!

"there's some things you want to share, some things you don’t. in today's age and sort of having the profile that us drivers do, we kind of just have everything shared,” piastri said. “but (social media) can be used for good, certainly within the profiles that we have. but in some ways, it can be negative, and there's always going to be people out there that don't like you for being you.” piastri tries to write as many of his posts as possible, and he checks those written by his team to be sure they sound authentically him. (the athletic; jun 29, 2023)

along these lines, oscar does enjoy the spotlight, only he seems to prefer it concentrated in a specific lens toward a specific productive end. he's endlessly capable of seeing the objective upside of a situation, joking after he was made a meme in baku following his f2 sr1 collision that he was all for it if it got him popularity. after his eurocup championship he also said: "i think everyone loves a bit of spotlight on them. i think that's just human nature, so a bit of attention's always nice." which is interesting to me!

but back to racing. this season would unexpectedly become two things: maxf's last competitive season in motorsport—especially disappointing considering that he'd gone into the championship expecting to put on a second-season title charge, instead failing to gel with the hitech team to the point that each increasingly poor weekend made him spiral mentally—as well as oscar and logan's last season racing against each other before f1, since logan would later encounter financial difficulties that left him stranded in f3 as oscar catapulted himself to f2 victory. 2020 was obviously a weird season in general because of covid and the gap from pre-season testing, so it also meant that oscar had gone into the season fairly rusty; he managed to win the first race of the season, but on top of his drs rollercoaster he did struggle with middling results in qualifying and was met step-by-step throughout the championship by logan.

maxf's last race in f3 was the barcelona sprint race on august 16, with three rounds left to the end of the season. he dnfed in an unfortunate first-lap incident mere moments after oscar charged his way up from 5th on the grid to the front of the pack, where he would eventually breeze his way to victory and pull himself near-level with logan for the championship lead. i recognize that this is an oscar post and not a maxf post, but i think their time in f3 during an extremely isolated and covid-affected period speaks to both an interesting dynamic between them (the little kid who always lagged a series behind you suddenly beating you on merit) and their respective temperaments toward racing. while at renault, max reportedly lived with jack aitken during the week but would return to his family home on weekends, so it makes sense that he struggled to adapt when covid hit and drivers were collectively forced into very regimented sporting bubbles. mark webber, who worked for channel 4 as a commentator and had access to the f1 paddock, basically couldn't see oscar in person and instead spoke to him over the phone every day on race weekends. maxf said of his decision to quit:

"normally [...] i’m able to stay calm under pressure and i don’t let many things get to me but when you have a bad qualifying result and you see guys up there that you know you’re capable of beating, it definitely takes a dig at you inside and it’s been a lot to process throughout the year." (source)

while then-academy director mia sharizman, who worked closely with the renault juniors, spoke of oscar's inherent propensity for independence and how he adapted well to the pressures of living on his own:

"if you look at oscar piastri, he has been living on his own, [away] from his family who are in melbourne for the past five to six years. because he has been living on his own in boarding school, he learns how to live on his own, and he thrives in that. we have to force him... 'have you spoken to your father?!' it's just things like that, but he thrives in that. that's why he thrived in those weekends racing. he loves being on his own without anybody. on the other hand, we had max fewtrell, for example, who can't – he couldn't survive the 11 weekends racing, because he always needed his family to be around him. so those are the things that suddenly you see and, i think that that we see now, after a few years a driver who is quick, a driver who has the talent, and then the driver who is stable." (source)

2020 is also when lando and oscar spoke to each other on twitter for the first time. yay! after lando went semi-viral for having a meltdown over a hornet on three separate social media platforms, oscar first joked with him about it on august 24 (this was incidentally also the day maxf announced his functional retirement, which oscar liked as well 😭), before referencing the incident again a few weeks later in september.

(aug 24, 2020) / (sep 10, 2020)

outside of drs tweets and trying desperately to banter with lando norris, oscar's popular tweets at the time included several food-related mishaps and home appliance tragedies. while this isn't actually a lando moment, he was also slandered by the LN4 twitter account a month later on october 17 for reasons that remain a mystery, resulting in this set of interactions:

(oct 17, 2020) / (oct 19, 2020)

bonus: maxf's tweets @ oscar (when you aren't close enough to just text him.......)

but back to f3. similarly to his second season of eurocup, oscar would go on to clinch the title in only the final race of the year, this time even more stressfully—he never got pole that season and won arguably off of consistency, benefiting from errors and unfortunate collisions involving his primary competitors. after a hectic qualifying and string of contentious grid penalties set for the before-last round in monza, he began the feature race 15th on the grid but put on an impressive performance to finish on the podium, buffing his points lead after logan was tapped by clément and put out of the points. he, logan, and fred all dnfed in race 2 (read: the novalak pendulum swung away from oscar's favor to maintain stringent cosmic equilibrium, while logan and fred threw away a points opportunity with a teammate4teammate love tap), and oscar went into mugello with only an 8-point lead over logan and a 24-point lead over pourchaire. this weekend proved equally hectic, as is frequently the case with f3 racing standards, but in short oscar and logan entered the final sprint race level on points, with théo approaching terrifyingly near in their rearview mirrors. logan was unceremoniously taken out of contention on the first lap after contact with zendeli, and oscar managed to squeak his way to 164 points in the championship by placing 7th in the race; théo finished 3rd, with 161 points, two positions away from claiming both the race and the championship title.

a succinct summary of an eventful season! (posted jun 30, 2021)

despite winning the f3 championship in far-from-dominant fashion, oscar's career was now steadily on an upward trend. on october 30 he was rewarded with a private test in the r.s.18 at bahrain alongside christian and guanyu, and a month later confirmed that he would be racing for prema again in f2 (december 1, 2020). as a rookie f3 champion there was a moderate amount of interest in him, but no one really expected him to carry home the f2 title on his first try and so one of the main favorites going into the next season was his second-year teammate and 2019 f3 champion rob shwartzman.

4. f2, alpine reserve duties, #piastrigate (2021-2022)

at the start of 2021, fernando officially took daniel's place at renault and the team rebranded itself as alpine, parting ways with team principal cyril abiteboul and functionally replacing him with new ceo laurent rossi—part of a no-tp management structure, frankly a self-evident infrastructural faux-pas from a million miles away. the renault sport academy was then also renamed to alpine academy; again i know that this is an oscar post so i won't get too into the details of Alpine Being Alpine, but understanding how the academy functioned does help better contextualize the inevitable unfurling of piastrigate.

the main issue, really, would always be laurent rossi, or at least the values laurent rossi had been hired to represent and which he willingly peddled during his controversial tenure at alpine. after rossi's appointment it was reported that "the renamed alpine academy was now being tugged in two directions between director mia sharizman's ideal as a creator of future f1 drivers and alpine's chief executive officer laurent rossi's commercially-led preferences." (source) mia directed the academy from january 2016 until may 2022, and had been the one to restructure its recruitment process by demanding better funding and robust testing programs to cyril:

"when we first restarted the team in 2016, it was, we didn't even have a two-year-old car program at that time. we had to use a 2012 program using the [lotus] e20. [...] then in 2018, i went through it, and i said to cyril abiteboul, "look, let's try and do this." we needed financial resources. i needed a head start with financial resources to kick start the program whereby you entice drivers, and you offer [a place] to the academy drivers. it was more to see how they are... it was more of an evaluation process... that was what the first idea was. then we developed the program to develop the drivers to suit their formual 2 program." (source)

(note: mia also believed that 2020 was a disappointing year for all of his juniors save for oscar's performance in f3, which is a whole other thing. but rossi's greatest shortcoming was that he had singular, insulated vision, and he resisted any external input to the detriment of reactionary business decisions, a fact that alienated alain prost and soon led to his exit from the outfit in 2022. not a good look!!! prost would later call rossi "the best example of the dunning-kruger effect, that of an incapable leader who thinks himself able to overcome his incompetence with his arrogance and lack of humanity toward his troops." 🤌)

so basically, the cracks of mind-boggling incompetence within the team's leadership structure were long evident. on a brighter note, oscar's 2021 f2 season would quickly become his strongest single-seater contest ever (f1 youtube has a good summarizing video of his season, if interested); because of covid, f2 was experimenting with a three-race format this year in which quali set the reverse grid for sr1 and sr1 results then set the reverse grid for sr2, which essentially meant high qualifiers were rewarded for simply maintaining composure in the first sprint and running cleanly in the top 10 in order to secure a favorable grid spot in sr2. oscar adapted well to this format, building off his reputation of smooth, consistent driving on top of slowly improving his qualifying results over the course of the season, finally breaking through with his first feature-race win in monza. 

oscar with mia sharizman

this is also around the time when lando mentioned oscar in official f1 media for the first time, reading off a question about him to daniel in an interview posted in october:

"this one's not even about formula one. it's about oscar piastri. oscar pias-tree! [...] he's been on it this year." — (full video) (oct 1, 2021)

of his own f2 campaign, oscar said:

"i thought that i could challenge for race wins, but i probably wasn't expecting to be so consistently at the front. consistency is something that i’ve had as a trait throughout my career, and i was expecting to be consistent in my results this year — but maybe a bit lower down!" (source)

not only did he end up being consistently at the front, he became virtually unstoppable in the second half of the season. on december 11, oscar clinched the title in abu dhabi with two races to spare, ending the season with 5 consecutive poles and 4 consecutive feature wins, 60.5 points above his previously-favored teammate in the standings. #notbadforashitqualifier!

by now oscar was a hot commodity in the paddock; the only problem was that alpine didn't really care, mainly because rossi had enthusiastically re-signed ocon to a three-year deal in 2021 and held zero intention of actually promoting any of its juniors to one of the race seats, plus the one open spot at alfa romeo had instead gone to guanyu and his considerable financial package (though oscar has always been vocally defensive of guanyu's appointment to his detractors). instead of moving to another series, such as indycar or super formula, oscar recognized that he'd proven everything he needed to prove within the feeder system and opted to remain on the grid as alpine's reserve driver, mainly so that he could embed himself in an f1 team environment and—most crucially—avoid being left "out of sight, out of mind," because once you go to america you usually don't come back.

i'll keep the rest of this post brief since i feel like everyone already knows What Went Down, but a quick highlight for fellow landoscar enjoyers was the 2022 australian gp on april 10, during which oscar accompanied rosanna tennant for the post-race show and awkwardly participated in a chaotic lando & alex interview. as far as i know, this was landoscar's first time interacting on-camera!

o: "i haven't raced either of them, no." l: "not yet!" o: "not yet. hopefully soon." — (full video) (apr 10, 2022)

then silly season started, and everything was thrown into disarray when sebastian vettel announced his imminent retirement and fernando subsequently took his place at aston martin; alpine scrambled to recover from this blindsided move and prematurely promoted oscar to an f1 seat, to which oscar eventually posted The Tweet—claiming he'd never signed a contract with alpine and would not be racing for them in 2023, thus kicking off #piastrigate. or the piasco, or whatever you prefer to call it.

here's a good article that properly summarizes the crb ruling, but tl;dr: mclaren and alpine had come to an agreement back in march to loan oscar to mclaren's stable of reserve drivers after daniel contracted covid; mark webber, who was close to andreas seidl from their time at porsche in wec, quietly negotiated a contract with mclaren for 2023 that oscar would then sign on july 4, which was reportedly initially a reserve deal with an upgrade clause to a full-time drive given a dr buyout; alpine's legal team turned out to be essentially one overworked legal director who mishandled the situation thanks to a lack of organizational support, while a concrete williams deal never actually existed no matter what people continuously allege, and any proprietary right to oscar's services that alpine purported to have for the 2023 season would soon be voided by crb rule on september 2. in other words, they dun goofed.

because tumblr dies when i try to include it in this post, here's a link to a condensed chronological timeline version of this post.

that's it for now. i'm sure you know how the rest goes!!!

[whatstruthgottodowithit]

Here You Come Again [Part Two]

Fandom: Elvis Presley, RPF, American Actor

Pairing: Elvis Presley x Original Female Character

Characters: Elvis Presley, Addison Goodwin, Original Female Characters, Priscilla Presley, Colonel Tom Parker, Vernon Presley, Gladys Presley, Minnie Mae Presley, Marci Cunningham, Jerry Schilling, Red West, Sonny West, Marty Lacker, Joe Esposito, Charlie Hodge, Lamar Fike, Alan Fortas, George Klein, Memphis Mafia

Rating: Mature/Explicit

Word Count: 6118

Summary: When Addison Goodwin was seventeen years old her life was turned inside out after a chance encounter with her past. Now, fifteen years later her life is the best it’s ever been. She has a home, a good job and a daughter she loves more than anything in the world but will all that remain when an old familiar face rolls into town.

Tags: Angst, Fluff, Graceland, Las Vegas, The International Hotel, Elvis In Vegas, 1970s, 1970s Elvis, Friends To Lovers, Rekindled Romance, Parenting, Time Line is Sketchy, Guilt, Betrayal, Teenage Pregnancy, Hawaii, Hidden Pregnancy, Jealousy, Sex, Absence of Parent, Single Motherhood, Trauma, Oral Sex, Tension

Notes: I just watched Elvis again and now I’m sobbing. Good job this is a happy chapter innit fml

LINK TO ALL PARTS // LINK TO AO3 // LINK TO PINTEREST

‘Shit,’ Addison exclaimed as she noted the smoke now billowing out of the top of the toaster. She darted towards it, flicking the button which made the now charcoal-coloured bread pop up out of the top. With a sigh she grabbed it, wincing as it burned her fingertips before she dumped it in the trash can and popped another couple of pieces inside. She was distracted. She had been since last night; from the moment she had clapped eyes on him, Elvis.   Her heart ached at the thought of him. Then again it always hurt when she thought of him though admittedly it was less often these days. She thought about the way he had looked at her, his mind swimming as he took in every detail as if he was trying to put together a puzzle he didn’t have all the pieces for. Addison had all the pieces but the picture they made wasn’t exactly a rosy one which is why she had longed to get out of there the minute she could. It was why she had left when she was seventeen. Her mind flitted to the image of Jess stood beside them, watching them closely, her eyes just as confused as his had been. Jess.   She wondered if she knew.   ‘No,’ Addison thought, ‘no she would’ve said something.’   It was true. Her daughter wasn’t one to keep things from her. She was a good kid and being that it had always been the two of them they were closer than most mothers and daughters she knew. Then again, she hadn’t told her she was sneaking out of the house to go and see him perform. She didn’t even know she liked his music.   Addison had never played it outright, but she had never forbidden it either, fearing it would spark a curiosity in her daughter she didn’t want to ignite. His films had been played on TV and she’d heard his songs on the radio but it was only ever in passing. Even when he started doing shows in Vegas it wasn’t much of a concern since she rarely had cause to go into the city other than work and the acts in town didn’t really interest Jess. He wasn’t as popular with the younger generation as he once had been and when Jess had bragged about being a fan of The Rolling Stones or Led Zeppelin Addison couldn’t help but celebrate.   But now she was sneaking out of the house to see him. Allowing Addison to get back to an empty house after a twelve-hour shift only to find her daughter’s bed empty before receiving a phone call from some stranger telling her she was at a club. That wasn’t her daughter.   Which had to mean she had an ulterior motive for going right? A curiosity about something more than music? Whenever Jess had asked about her father Addison had remained vague. The details hurt too much to speak of in those early days and it wasn’t as though Jess would understand everything anyway. She was just a kid. She’d told her they had known each other for a couple of months but he was in the army and Addison had lost touch with him before she could tell him she was pregnant. That wasn’t entirely untrue she had just skirted over the fact she knew exactly where to find him should she want to.   Her mind was spinning, something that it had been doing all night which is why she was running on coffee and nerves only. She didn’t even hear Jess enter the kitchen until she heard her name called.   ‘Mom?’ she heard Jess say and she turned around from the kitchen counter to find her daughter, still in her pyjamas, watching her nervously from the kitchen door. ‘Sit down,’ Addison said finding her throat surprisingly dry, ‘breakfast will be a minute.’   As Addison turned back to the counter, grabbing the fresh pieces of toast out of the toaster as she did, Jess watched her closely. She didn’t know what was happening. Where was the yelling? Where was the punishment? Not only had there been no freakout but she was making her breakfast as if it was any other day. Jess was bewildered but feeling she’d kick things off if she didn’t listen to what her mother said she took a seat at the kitchen table just as Addison plonked a plate of bacon, eggs and toast down in front of her.   ‘You should eat,’ Addison said quietly. ‘I’m not hungry,’ Jess said feeling another round of nausea bubble inside her at the sight of the food on her plate. Her mother turned to eye her. ‘It’ll help soak up the alcohol,’ she said wryly, ‘besides if you’re gonna throw up again you’d rather have something on your stomach. Trust me.’ ‘You heard me throw up?’ Jess said a vague memory of practically crawling to the bathroom around four thirty am flashing into her mind. ‘Why do you think I didn’t hit you with any yelling yet?’ Addison asked as she slipped into her chair, ‘I’m not that mean.’   ‘So you’re saving it all for this morning huh?’ Jess asked nervously receiving a sigh from her mother. She didn’t look at her, she was too nervous too, so even though she felt horrendous she tucked into her eggs trying not to vomit as they slid down her throat. ‘I’m not going to yell at you,’ Addison said which finally made Jess look up, surprise dancing across her features. ‘You’re not?’ Jess asked, ‘but I thought-’ ‘You’re a kid,’ Addison shrugged, ‘kids do dumb stuff. It’s nothing none of your friends won’t do at some point. I’m just happy it didn’t go worse than it could have. I mean you’re lucky I was at home when the guy called, I was just about to come trawl the streets looking for you.’   Jess nodded trying to ignore the guilt that settled in as she spotted the worry on her mother’s face.   ‘I just…I just want to know why,’ Addison said. It wasn’t what she wanted to ask but she couldn’t exactly fire on all cylinders. Especially if there was a chance Jess didn’t know. That was the reason she’d done it in the first place. To protect her. ‘I don’t know,’ Jess admitted, ‘I mean the only ticket I could get was for the midnight show and I figured there was no way you’d let me go so…I snuck out. And then there was this guy and he asked if I wanted to join them and well, I didn’t know how to say no. So I went.’ ‘This guy who?’ her mother asked unsure of what to ask. She wondered who had invited her. Was it Elvis? One of the boys? She’d seen them around – had one of them recognised Jess but not known why? As question after question popped into her brain Jess spoke. ‘His name’s Rick...’ she said easing Addison’s tension at the unfamiliarity of the name, ‘I didn’t even really like him that much. I just didn’t want to seem lame, y’know?’ ‘Well I can’t say I’m thrilled you’d just go off with some random boy you’d never met but I understand,’ Addison sighed. She did understand. More than her daughter knew.   ‘What I don’t understand,’ Addison started making Jess’s eyes find hers, ‘is why you didn’t just tell me. I mean I didn’t even know you liked…him.’   She couldn’t say his name. It was ironic given the amount she had been thinking about him since last night but uttering the words in front of Jess felt unnatural. Not unnatural, but as though she was admitting something she didn’t want to.   ‘Oh,’ Jess said as nonchalantly as she could, ‘I didn’t. Not until recently. Some of the girls and I watched a couple of his films over the Christmas break and I thought his voice was good. We all tried to get tickets but I was the only one who could and well I figured you’d never let me go on my own at night, so I just didn’t mention it.’ ‘Well next time tell me, okay? And maybe we can arrange something that will give me a little less of a heart attack,’ Addison said gulping down the rest of her coffee so she had an excuse to leave the table. As she washed her cup her mind raced. Jess didn’t know. That was something.   Jess watched her mother by the sink feeling horrendously guilty. She had lied to her, and it had tripped off her tongue so easily. She wanted to come clean, to confess that it wasn’t her friends that had sparked an interest in her but something else. She wanted to ask why her mother had been so concerned last night, why Elvis had looked at her the way he had. ‘Mom?’ she asked feeling the questions bubbling to the surface. ‘Yeah?’ Addison said turning around but once her hazel gaze was on Jess’s face she couldn’t bring herself to say anything. ‘Never mind,’ she said. Addison nodded as she glanced at her watch. ‘Come on, eat up and get dressed. I’ll run you to school,’ Addison said. ‘Wait I have to go in?’ Jess asked in disbelief. ‘It’s your first day back,’ Addison said simply. ‘I’ve been throwing up,’ Jess said as if it was self-explanatory. The nausea was settling a little bit but she still felt too tired and rough to even contemplate sitting through six hours of lessons. ‘Unfortunately I can’t write notes for hangovers,’ Addison said raising her eyebrow, ‘besides think of school as the lighter alternative to getting grounded.’ ‘This is non-negotiable huh?’ Jess asked. ‘Not a chance,’ Addison said as she headed towards the kitchen door, ‘I’ll be waiting in the car.’   ✵✵✵   Elvis was tired, a feeling that was made worse as he came out of his bathroom only to find the curtains of his suite were now wide open, forcing the low winter sun into his eyes and making him wince. Though however exhausted he felt he didn’t seem half as tired as Jerry looked. He was standing at the piano, looking out of the view of the city but he turned around as he heard Elvis enter the room, a solemn look on his face. That was when it all came flooding back.   Addison. Last night he had seen Addison, for the first time in fifteen years.   And then she was gone, running from him before he could even get his thoughts into place. Running from him with her daughter in tow. Her daughter.  Her fourteen-year-old daughter. That Elvis remembered.   It wasn’t that he had forgotten. How could he, after all, meeting the daughter of your ex who disappeared from the face of the earth fifteen years ago wasn’t exactly something that would slip your mind. He just hadn’t woken up properly yet. He didn’t even know how long he’d managed to sleep and though it didn’t feel like long the sinking sun in the sky begged to differ. After Addison had left Elvis had headed back to the hotel with only Sonny, Red and Jerry in tow, but once he was back in his suite he couldn’t sleep. He spent hours pacing in his room as he thought of question after question, too many of them to count.   The biggest one burned in his brain like the girl’s familiar face and bright blue eyes had for most of the night. Yet he couldn’t bring himself to ask it. He couldn’t bring himself to believe that if she was his Addison would’ve kept it from him.   Maybe that was why she hadn’t come back. Maybe after he’d left she’d met someone else and got knocked up, too ashamed to come back and tell him. Maybe it was a coincidence. Maybe she had just wanted to leave and the kid had just happened straight after that, after all, all he knew was that she was fourteen she could have been born months out of the window for her to be his.   But still, the thought niggled at him.   Which was why he had asked Jerry to see if he could find her again. At least now he knew where to start looking.   As he moved into the room Jerry watched him like he had last night with concern and sympathy in his eyes. He had been the only one Elvis had permitted to stay in the room, much to the boys’ annoyance, and though he hadn’t said much he had allowed Elvis to offer up any thought and feeling he might have had without interjection.   ‘You got anything?’ Elvis asked moving past him towards the drinks cart in his room. He uncapped a bottle of vodka not even bothering to pour it into a glass before he swigged it down the sting of it in his throat waking him up just a tad. ‘Not much,’ Jerry said as Elvis moved to stand next to him, ‘I mean there’s a dozen Goodwins in the phone book. I’ve ruled most of them out, a couple didn’t answer so there’s a possibility there. I mean that’s if she’s still using her-‘ he faltered. Elvis glanced at him as realisation dawned on him. If she was still using her maiden name. Jerry cleared his throat uncomfortably before he pressed on, ‘anyway, that wasn’t what I noticed.’ ‘Oh yeah? What’ve you got Columbo?’ Elvis asked raising an eyebrow. ‘An address,’ Jerry said smirking at his friend’s quip as he placed a map down on the top of the piano. There were a couple of spots circled, others crossed out where his friend had ruled them out as possibilities but he was pointing to one circled not too far from the hotel. ‘A hospital?’ Elvis asked. ‘Desert Springs,’ Jerry said, ‘I remembered she was wearing a uniform, a nurse’s one. So I thought I’d chance it and what do you know, they’ve got an Addison Goodwin who works there. Starts her shift, oh, half an hour ago.’ ‘You don’t say,’ Elvis said feeling a smile creep onto his face. It looked like he was finally going to get some answers.   It didn’t take him long to get ready after that. Whilst Jerry went to arrange a car to get there Elvis showered and changed, his mind on Addison the entire time. The questions swirled in his mind once more. The more he thought about it though, the more concerned he got, and the more unsure he became about what he wanted the answers to be.   That uneasiness didn’t lift all the way over to the hospital. Thankfully no one seemed to notice their arrival though he didn’t know if that was because he remained tucked behind Sonny and Red as they walked through the halls or because Jerry had put in a word to keep it as low-key as possible. Whilst Jerry offered directions to Red and Sonny Elvis stayed quiet keeping his eyes trained on the men’s backs in front of him. That was until he heard Jerry say, ‘this should be the one.’ ‘You see her?’ Sonny asked looking around the long corridor as if she was just going to appear in front of him. Elvis looked up, his stomach flip-flopping as he noted there were people around and none of them were her.   ‘308 wants pain meds,’ he heard a voice say and he looked towards the nurses’ station up the corridor. There was a nurse standing behind it, young and attractive, though the aggravated look on her face made her look older than she was. She was holding a folder out and he watched as Addison glided into view and took it out of her hand. She opened it flipping through the pages inside it, unaware that she was being watched. Her hair was swept back from her face and she was wearing a crisp white uniform though it was offset by a pink cardigan, no doubt trying to keep the chill of the corridor off her. She looked beautiful.   ‘He always wants pain meds,’ Addison sighed, ‘I’ve told him the doctor will only prescribe so much.’ ‘Yeah well, you didn’t hear what he promised him on rounds this morning. He said all he had to do was ring his bell and one of us would be happy to-’ her fellow nurse said trailing off as she looked up and clocked Elvis standing there watching them. Addison’s brows knitted together as her friend’s voice disappeared though she quickly discovered the cause.   ‘Hey,’ Elvis said as he stepped forward, a gentle smile on his face as he tried to signal that he came in peace, but her face fell into a scowl. ‘Addie-’ her friend said but it was no use, Addison whipped around the nurses’ station and grabbed him by the arm pulling him away from the boys and her colleague until they were out of earshot. Elvis allowed himself to be dragged, trying to ignore the way her grip pinched at his skin through his sleeve.   ‘What the hell are you doing here?’ she snapped as she moved to stand in front of him. ‘I came to talk,’ Elvis said as if it were obvious. ‘I have nothing to say to you,’ she said folding her arms across her. Elvis watched her for a moment, the anger in her eyes as she looked at him. It was like the way she had looked at him the first time he had run into her again back at that fair. The way she had looked at him when he had tried to talk her into coming to live at Graceland. ‘Yeah, well, I have plenty. Most of them questions,’ he said irritably, ‘like what the hell is going on?’ ‘You need to leave,’ she said sternly. Elvis felt his uneasiness turn to anger. No matter what the explanation he still deserved to get one, right? ‘No,’ he said firmly, ‘I ain’t going anywhere. I mean you honestly expect me to just be happy with no explanation after you disappear into thin air for fifteen years without so much as a see you later-‘ ‘It wasn’t like that,’ she protested. ‘What was it like then, huh?’ he asked. ‘You have no idea,’ she said clenching her jaw to keep herself from crying. She could feel tears stinging at her eyes but they kept at bay. She wasn’t some kid anymore. And she certainly wasn’t going to cry in front of him.   ‘So tell me,’ Elvis said his tone softening a touch as he noticed the tears glinting off her lash line in the harsh hospital lighting. Addison looked at him and for a moment he thought he had won her over, that she was going to concede. ‘You need to leave,’ she said tightly his hopes crashing down around him. She may have looked just like that seventeen-year-old he had been able to smooth talk around but the woman looking back at him was by no means that girl. There was something harder to her, like a veneer he couldn’t crack. Like a mask slipping into place. Still, he tried to protest, ‘no, not until you tell me what’s going on.’ ‘No,’ she said, ‘you know what? No. You don’t get to do this. You don’t get to come back into my life and demand answers like you did when I was seventeen years old. You turned my life upside down then and I sure as hell won’t let you do it now.’ ‘Why because you’ve got a kid now? A kid who’s what? Fourteen?’ he asked pointedly making her eyes go wide. Addison could feel her heart hammering inside her chest as she looked at him staring down at her with those questioning blue eyes. Eyes that looked so much like Jess’s it hurt.   ‘Don’t,’ she said though it was little more of a whisper. ‘Addie please,’ he said quietly hoping that her tone was a good sign. Hoping that he’d broken her walls down even if just an inch. ‘If you don’t leave now I’ll call security. Doubt that’ll be good for image,’ she said sarcastically, pulling away from him. Elvis looked at her, the last dig hitting him in his gut. There were more people in the hall now and though they were separated from most of them by the boys, who had placed themselves strategically around them should anyone want to walk through, when he glanced to his side he spotted a security guard watching them, Sonny’s hand on the man’s chest as he tried to get closer.   ‘Everything alright?’ he asked looking at Addison first. She wrapped her arms around herself and nodded. ‘He was just leaving,’ Addison said and before Elvis could protest she strutted past him pushing through Red and Sonny and into a room behind the nurse’s station. Elvis sighed. So much for getting answers.     ✵✵✵   Addison pulled into her driveway and cut the ignition, watching as the headlights faded away leaving her staring at her garage door. Her gaze was fixed for a moment as she tried to tell her feet to move, but they wouldn’t. She was too tired not that it was anything to do with her second late shift of the week. No, this exhaustion was something else entirely. After seeing Elvis yet again she was emotionally drained. Still, sitting in her car wasn’t going to fix that so after grabbing her bag off the front seat she climbed out.   No sooner had her foot hit the concrete than her name was being called and she looked up to find Elvis making his way across the road from a car parked opposite her house. Addison hurried her movements, forcing the key to turn in the lock quickly as she attempted to scurry up her driveway.   ‘Addison,’ he called as he reached her garden, the gravel of her front yard crunching under his foot as he hurried towards her. ‘What? Stalking me at work wasn’t enough now you have to come to my home?’ she asked though she didn’t slow down. She was at her front door now, turning the key in the lock as quickly as she could. ‘We need to talk,’ Elvis said indignantly. ‘I have nothing to say to you,’ she said as the door unlatched and she stepped inside. When she turned around to close it though he was on her front step. ‘Yeah? Well you don’t get to decide that,’ he said putting his foot in the door as she tried to slam it closed in his face, ‘Addison stop.’ ‘Elvis,’ she said feeling the emotional roller coaster she had been on all day hit a new peak. Except now it wasn’t anger like she had felt at the hospital. Now it was fear. He was at her home and Jess was upstairs in bed. It was too close. Too real. ‘No Addison,’ he said sternly, ‘you can’t run away from me. Not again.’ ‘I can’t do this,’ she said feeling her heartbeat in her ears, ‘you can’t be here.’ ‘Addie please,’ Elvis said though the authority was gone from it now. He wasn’t demanding, he was begging. ‘I didn’t run away to hurt you. I did it to protect me. From this, from all of this,’ she said brokenly, ‘don’t you see that?’ ‘Did you think you could run forever?’ he asked looking at her expectantly, ‘you had to know this would happen.’ ‘You weren’t supposed to know,’ she said her breath hitching in her chest as she looked at the heartbreak on his face. ‘Addie,’ he breathed. ‘Please just go,’ she said feeling her own voice beg this time. ‘Addie, is she?’ he asked. He couldn’t bring himself to say the words, to utter them out loud. ‘I can’t,’ she whispered as tears started to spill over and down her cheeks. Elvis could feel tears forming in his own eyes but he closed them, his jaw clenching to prevent the dam from breaking before he asked again. ‘Is she?’ he didn’t need an answer. The look on her face was enough. It was one of heartache, guilt and sorrow. ‘Please just go,’ she begged, ‘please.’   Elvis looked at her, feeling the anger and determination that had been stirring inside of him as he waited in the car outside her house for her to arrive home melting away when he saw how vulnerable she looked. It was a look he had seen before. When it came down to it, she couldn’t pretend, not with him. He didn’t say anything but he pulled back allowing her to push the door closed in front of his face. Addison fell against it, her head resting on the wood as tears streamed down her face.   ‘Mom?’ she heard Jess call and when she turned around her daughter was standing at the top of the stairs watching her worriedly. Addison’s hands flew to her face so she could push her tears away before she moved towards the kitchen where Jess couldn’t see her.   ‘What are you doing up? You should go back to bed you’ve got school,’ she called before she disappeared out of the girl’s sight. She could hear her daughter moving down the stairs, but she busied herself with the coffee machine as if she needed to add caffeine to the situation. Jess watched her mother from the kitchen door that guilt from earlier returning as she noted the way Addison tried to keep herself together, her chest moving unevenly as she tried to suppress the sobs from inside her.   ‘Mom?’ Jess said again though Addison didn’t reply this time, ‘it was him, wasn’t it?’ ‘You should be in bed,’ Addison stated still refusing to look at her daughter. However, Jess didn’t listen to her mother and instead inched into the kitchen hoping she was brave enough to say what she needed to.   ‘He’s my dad, isn’t he?’ she said quietly. That made Addison turn around. Her hazel eyes were wide with disbelief as she tried to make her daughter’s words register in her brain. They wouldn’t compute though. ‘How did you-’ she said trailing off as she looked at Jess who was now shifting uncomfortably, the guiltiest look on her face. Addison’s heart ached. She had found out and from someone other than the one person it should’ve been.   ‘Oh Jessie,’ she said moving to envelop her daughter who hugged her back, still feeling guilt swirl inside her. They stayed there for a moment, hugging in the middle of the kitchen, until Addison felt her heartbeat settle just a touch but enough that she could move them to the kitchen table. Jess took a seat beside her, almost chewing her lip off with nerves as her mother’s gaze fell on her.   ‘I don’t even know what to ask,’ Addison said after a minute, ‘I mean how did you…’ ‘I found a box of pictures a-at Aunt Marci’s over Christmas b-break,’ Jess said quickly as if she was on trial and had to get her defence out as quickly as possible. As if her mother wouldn’t blame her if she thought Marci’s carelessness was to blame. Yet as she clocked her mother’s patient expression, she realised she didn’t need to. ‘Go on,’ Addison said quietly trying to ignore how her heart squeezed tighter in her chest at the sound of Jess’ stammering, something that only happened when she was nervous. ‘There were pictures of the two of you together…you guys looked like a couple. The date said 1957 and…I mean I knew you were from there but I wondered why you’d never said anything, so, I did some digging,’ she said dropping her gaze to her lap though Addison remained silent, ‘and I found out all these things about him…that he was in the army. And well, I started thinking.’   Addison watched her closely, their eyes meeting as Jess finally looked back up her face still full of nerves as she continued.   ‘I guess I didn’t believe it at first. I mean Elvis Presley my dad yeah right,’ she scoffed, making Addison frown, ‘that’s why I went to the concert. I thought if I saw him on stage I’d just know y’know? But I didn’t, not really. Then I met him and it was like I knew but not enough…I didn’t know until I saw the pair of you. The way you looked so scared…I knew.’ ‘Oh honey,’ Addison sighed as guilt coursed through her. ‘I’m sorry,’ Jess said quietly. ‘What are you sorry for?’ Addison asked confused. ‘I…I didn’t know it’d hurt you like this,’ Jess admitted pushing a new wave of guilt through Addison which worsened still as she said, ‘mom, is he a bad guy?’ ‘What? Oh, honey no,’ she said with a sigh, ‘no, it’s not him…but the world he lives in, it’s not like our world Jessie.’ ‘That’s why you didn’t tell me?’ Jess asked. She was feeling braver now. She’d gotten out everything she had wanted to say and her mother hadn’t shut her down, and though that was something she still had questions burning inside her though. ‘I didn’t do it to hurt you,’ Addison said quietly, ‘but there was no way I, we, could stay in that world. You gotta understand baby, I was a seventeen-year-old kid with this amazing little girl. And I wanted to protect you. I didn’t have anyone to protect me but I could do that for you.’ ‘Did he hurt you?’ Jess asked feeling an uneasy shift inside her at her mother’s words. ‘Not him,’ Addison said. It wasn’t a full answer but it was the only one she felt as though she could give. After all, she’d spent the past fourteen years protecting her daughter she wasn’t going to stop now. But she could see the confusion in her daughter’s eyes so she did offer something to try to help, ‘it’s a long story and you don’t need to hear everything…. not yet. But he didn’t hurt me. If it was just him maybe I could’ve gone back but I couldn’t risk that.’ ‘Are you mad he knows?’ Jess asked. Addison took a deep breath and shook her head. ‘I guess it was always gonna come up eventually. I just figured I’d have a little while longer. That it’d be your decision when you were a grown-up,’ she admitted. She could see the cogs turning in her daughter’s mind, questions popping up before they disappeared again and Addison had to make a conscious effort to remember to breathe. Finally, she watched as the question she wanted to ask landed.   ‘Are you saying I can’t see him again?’ Jess asked nervously. ‘Jess,’ Addison sighed. She didn’t know why but this was the question she was least prepared for. ‘I know it’s not going to be easy,’ Jess said quickly, ‘but I want to.’ ‘Baby I don’t know,’ Addison said hoping her daughter wouldn’t feel too dejected. It had been what she was protecting her from all her life and here her daughter was wanting to dive in headfirst, ‘you don’t understand what it’s like. The press, the fans, everything. It’s a lot to deal with. I don’t think that kind of pressure is good.’ ‘But you do know what it’s like,’ Jess said quickly, ‘and you know me. You said yourself you didn’t have anyone to protect you from all that but I have you right? ‘Of course you do,’ Addison said but Jess was on a roll. ‘And I know that whatever happens, you’ll protect me,’ she said her blue eyes watching Addison with hope, ‘Mom…I really want to meet him. I mean I love you don’t get me wrong and I wouldn’t trade you in for anything but…I really wish I had a dad sometimes…you get that, right?’ ‘More than you know,’ Addison admitted her mind flashing to her father for just a moment before Jess’ small questioning voice spoke once more.   ‘So, can I? Can we at least try?’ she said watching Addison with pleading eyes. One’s that she could feel herself yielding to, ‘and if it all goes wrong and it’s awful you can say I told you so till the cows come home.’ ‘Oh honey it’s not that I want it to go wrong,’ Addison said grabbing her daughter’s hands in her own as she looked at her, ‘I just worry you’ll get hurt if it does.’ ‘But I’ve always got you…right?’ ‘Right,’ Addison nodded. That was true, no matter what happened Jess would always have her. ‘So can we? Please?’ Jess asked her breath holding in her chest as she waited for her mother to answer. Addison thought about it for a moment, everything inside her screaming no until she took one look at her daughter’s face. Protection was one thing but what good was it if it made her miserable in the process?   ‘We can try,’ she said quietly as Jess leapt forward and wrapped her arms around her practically winding her, ‘but I’m not promising a thing.’ ‘Thank you,’ Jess said excitedly. ‘And I’m speaking to him first,’ Addison added, ‘before anything happens.’ ‘Yeah I know,’ Jess said nodding against her shoulder making whatever authority Addison felt inside her melt away as she doubted Jess was even really listening to her. ‘And don’t pin all your hopes up on this okay,’ Addison said. ‘I won’t,’ Jess said before adding quietly, ‘is that a yes?’ ‘It’s a we can try,’ Addison said as Jess pulled back though she was unable to shake the excitement from her face as she looked at her mom. ‘Okay,’ Jess said with a smile, ‘I love you.’ ‘I love you too,’ Addison said placing a hand on Jess’ cheek before she shook her head reality dawning on her, ‘you should go back to bed.’ ‘Okay,’ Jess said moving out of her mother’s grasp so she could get up. She moved to the door, lingering by it as Addison watched her.   ‘Night mom,’ she said with a smile. ‘Night sweetheart,’ Addison said offering her one in return though it was a touch more forced. Once she had disappeared up the stairs and she had heard her door latch closed Addison moved to shut the kitchen door before she moved to the phone. She tried to ignore how her hands shook as she grabbed the directory off the shelf below the phone, flipping through it until she found the number listed for the International Hotel.   Though the reception desk picked up straight away once she was patched through the phone rang out, making nerves bubble inside her. She hoped he’d answer soon before her nerves took hold and she hung up. If she didn’t do it now she never would.   Finally the line clicked on and a voice mumbled, ‘hello?’ ‘Jer?’ Addison asked her nerves calming a little now he was on the line. ‘Addie is that you?’ he said she could hear him scrambling to get seated other end, ‘hang on, we’ve just got back he’s in his suite but I can get him just wait a minute-’ ‘No,’ Addison said making the man stop whatever moving he was doing, ‘it’s you I wanted.’ ‘Me?’ Jerry asked. ‘I need to see him,’ she said simply. ‘Do you want me to bring him back over?’ ‘No, no,’ Addison said quickly, the thought of him actually inside her house making her freak out. No, at his hotel she could still keep their worlds separate should anything go wrong, ‘I’ll come to you. I have a day off tomorrow.’ ‘Right,’ Jerry said. ‘But I want to see him alone,’ she stated hoping the other man would agree, ‘no one can know, okay?’ ‘Okay,’ Jerry said tentatively. He was making deals he wasn’t sure he should be but he was sure that Elvis wouldn’t mind, not if it got her within reach again. ‘I’ll meet you at the hotel,’ she said, ‘the lobby, is 2 pm okay?’ ‘That’s fine,’ Jerry said scribbling a note on the pad beside his bed as if it would slip his mind though he knew it wouldn’t. Addison lingered twirling the phone cord around her finger nervously as she tried to finish what she wanted to say. Her other stipulation. ‘And Jer,’ she said. ‘Yeah?’ ‘Don’t tell him,’ she said though it sounded more like a plea than a statement. Jerry felt an uneasiness wash over him, the same kind of uneasiness he had felt when he had watched his best friend walk back to the car heartbroken. ‘Addie,’ he sighed, ‘I don’t know.’ ‘Please Jer,’ she said. She needed him to agree. She knew it was a selfish request but it wasn’t as though she was doing it to spite him. She wasn’t asking him to do it because she longed to ambush Elvis, the way he had her, but because she wanted to know she still had an out. If she needed it, she could still run. ‘2 pm,’ Jerry said, ‘he’ll be there.’

[kolbisneat]

MONTHLY MEDIA: May 2023

If you notice I haven’t read as much this month, it’s because I got the new Zelda game. But between my vanquishing of evil I still managed to fit in some other media! Here’s how I spent the month of May.

……….FILM……….

BlackBerry (2023) Having grown up in Waterloo Region I didn’t have any interest in seeing a retelling of the story I mostly knew but this was really great! Surprisingly funny and frenetic and a truly unhinged (in the best way) performance from Glenn Howerton. Good stuff.

John Mulaney: Baby J (2023) I naively thought “I wonder how much this’ll touch on the drug stuff?”... turns out it’s all about the drug stuff. Cool that he was talking about it so openly, and made it so funny, but I wonder if there was more material that got cut? He briefly mentions a trip with his son and I would’ve loved to hear more about that. Anyway as a comedy special it’s really great.

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3 (2023) You know I haven’t been interested in the last few Marvel movies but this one felt like it was going to be different..and it was! So many moving parts but I never had trouble keeping track of character motivations or story beats and the whole thing was really beautiful. I mean even the really gross stuff was fun to watch. Keen to go back and watch this as a trilogy down the road.

The Suicide Squad (2021) I was excited to see Guardians of the Galaxy so at the start of the month I rewatched this. Still impressed at how this can be equal parts a gross out dick joke movie and also built on a foundation of community and family. Builds well, nothing feels repetitive, and the finale doesn’t overstay its welcome. Really great stuff.

……….TELEVISION……….

The Bear (Episode 1.01 to 1.03) Never have I felt so stressed watching television. Really captivating episodes and I’m very excited to watch more.

Ted Lasso (Episode 3.08 to 3.10) Maybe it’s the time away from season 1 and 2, or maybe something happened behind the scenes, but season 3 feels different. Some eps really hit, and even some moments within those other episodes, but it all feels rather unfocused. Maybe it’ll stick the landing but my confidence has been shaken.

The Most Hated Man on the Internet (Episode 1.01 to 1.03) Perfectly paced. Just enough detail to get invested but after 3 eps it felt like I experienced the full journey. Really interested to see the public’s perception of revenge porn shift over time and I can only assume this website (and its founder) played a part in that.

……….YOUTUBE……….

Down the Off-Grid Rabbit Hole... by Maggie Mae Fish Love simultaneously learning about a corner of the internet and also how it’s exploiting others. Just wild. VIDEO

Why so many people need glasses now by Vox Turns out kids need to spend more time outside for legit biological reasons? Who knew. VIDEO

How Nintendo Solved Zelda's Open World Problem by Game Maker’s Toolkit Hey maybe you’ve been playing the new Zelda and if you have, you’ll find this interesting. I sure did. VIDEO

……….READING……….

The Righteous Mind: Why Good People are Divided by Politics and Religion by Jonathan Haidt (Page 165 of 500) The first time I read this, it really helped me understand the perspective some folks take on divisive topics. There was a sort of comfort to finally seeing what they’re seeing. In rereading this, I find myself getting angered while reading. The book is over 10 years old and while still relevant, it often feels quaint when talking about the widening gap between political parties. Its neutrality feels almost naive to me? Maybe I’ve forgotten a key chapter that helps.

The Fade Out by Ed Brubaker and Sean Phillips (It doesn’t have page numbers...maybe 1/3 of the way through) Murder in old hollywood is just so cool. I’m really digging this so far and the art, characters, and pacing feel thoroughly natural. Every reveal is just so casual cause to these characters, it’s just their lives, and I love that. Big fan so far.

Ultimate Spider-Man Volume 8 by by Brian Michael Bendis, Mark Bagley, and more (Complete) I always liked the smaller stories in this volume that focused on Peter’s personal life...like break-ups and dating other superheroes and stuff. But for some reason the Jean DeWolff/Kingpin/Moon Knight stuff always just felt kinda rushed? I dunno maybe I like everything to be a little more fantastical or suuuuuuper mundane. None of this in-between shenanigans. Give me highschool or give me death.

……….GAMING……….

The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom (Nintendo) So good. I walked past a house that was redoing their driveway and had a bunch of construction stuff covered in a tarp and I immediately thought “hmm I wonder what I could build” and that...is the sign that I’ve played this game too much. Big fan 10/10 change nothing.

Oz: A Fantasy Role-Playing Setting (Andrews McMeel Publishing) The Mof1 Crew did some downtime planning ahead of a heist/attack combo that worked out pretty well! We played out events in weeks instead of in real time (for both the players and their enemies) and it worked pretty well!

Neverland: A Fantasy Role-Playing Setting (Andrews McMeel Publishing) The group is still navigating a rival adventuring party on the island and seeing what happens now that they’ve let their star-collecting duties slip. Big trouble. You can read about it here.

Anyway that’s it. See you in June!

[lost-on-kamino]

Wish them well

So this is a little something after Cal broke my heart with unexplain the unforgivable... and then gaeasun broke my heart a second time with The Two Hundred... and THEN EPS WITH EXHALE THE PAINT FUMES So i’m joining the pile but with a different side of things... Batchmates wondering where one of their own is...

A Metro(nome) squad fic where Beat is ready to scream, Tacet is silently murdering and Pitch lives up to his name Also on Ao3 The little song i was listening to which is our dear Corrie is singing at the end...

- There was silence.

 Beat would usually love silence between the constant relief missions but… this silence wasn’t at all settling her mind. It had been ages since Rhythm had reported in, which had coincidently been when the 104th were joining the chase for Commander Tano, the falsely accused bomber.

Where was her Vod’ika.

The one she had left when she was transferred over from the Coruscant Guard to the 104th under General Plo, the one who would drop a new playlist over the date and cheer up the chat room, the one who sent pictures of the two natborn children he had made friends with over their pictures and art.

Beat knew he was still around, after all; he didn’t leave the chat. One of their rules within Metro Squad had been:

If you were going back for Kamino, you’d remove yourself from the Metro Squad Chatroom to signal the others to look for you, they were siblings and siblings all together even if one of them had gone.

However… Rhythm had just stayed silent.

LUCKILY for her… she knew two Idiots on Coruscant at the same time… despite Pitch muttering about the Guard and Fives, though repeatedly tagging Rhythm to get the Guard’s view in regards to the matter. She didn’t care about the damn time for them, while she predicted it would be about early morning for the two. She had requested a bit of privacy which Commander Wolffe had granted before calling, knowing Tacet would have their Comms on fullblast. She waited a few moments before stopping the call and typing into the chatroom.

[Heart skipped a Beat] Wake up sunshines, I know you two fuckers are on Coruscant

[Silence is Golden] Of course

[Loud Blue Screaming] It’s early… you know the time here… Why you doing this

[Heart Skipped a Beat] I want you two to check on @[Continously Talking]. He’s not responded and it's been ages since… THAT.

[Loud Blue Screaming] Why?

[Heart Skipped a Beat] Because you two are on Coruscant and you should check on him; Idgaf if you’re pissed off at the Guard about Fives, Grow up.

[Loud Blue Screaming] I’m not! I know the others are tense but I’d never drop Rhythm and his buds like that!

[Silence is Golden] You’d be breaking the Biggest rule

Beat leaned back on the crate as she looked at Tacet's message. Chord. They all promised Chord they would watch his Twin as they watched his body leave their sight and into the ashes. They’d watch his Twin. Pitch was the youngest but they always knew Rhythm was the one who’d be hit by everything the hardest, yet he tried so much to cheer others.

[Loud Blue Screaming] We’ll get up now… should be about time his usual shift starts up.

[Heart Skipped a Beat] Please… Let me know if he’s safe. At least for those he’s connected with; Lenta, Agi, Vite, Kiibuna, the Dead Men….

[Silence is Golden] Understood

Beat looked away from her Comms and sighed. Always her to get the others motivated, but when Mae poked her head in and glanced over her, she pouted.

“What’s wrong with you” Beat paused as she brushed a tear away.

“Nothing… not yet… Just hoping for some good news.”

-

Tacet had stretched quietly as Pitch finished off pulling on his armour, looking back. The two had ended up renting a room to actually sleep around in proper beds than the barracks. Soon the two headed out quickly while avoiding the stares of the general public as they walked towards the Coruscant Guard headquarters. Pitch yawning to himself as Tacet rolled his eyes; his fault for staying up to watch that damn holo-drama. The medic and ARF trooper entered the doors and noted how… quiet it was. Like… the lack of Guard members actually roaming in their own base… there were colours of orange and blue instead. This threw Pitch off, why wasn’t he contacted? Tacet frowned before quickly approaching the 212th member on the desk. “...Ah… ahhh” He quietly tested his voice. “...Excuse me.” Pitch however looked around more as he knew his brother would quietly claim the information, knowing Rhythm, he’d be in the Medbay.

He missed the horrified look upon his quiet brother’s face and the drop of his helmet. But the medic kept going along as he continued to move along fast. He noticed two troopers exiting the Medbay with a Coruscant guard member and for a moment, he didn’t notice the Guard’s face for a moment but froze when the familiar freckled face and scars passed by him. He quickly turned and grasped the Clone’s wrist, startling the three. “....Rhythm?” “...Pardon?” All colour drained from Pitch’s face. “...I am CT-2895… I am in the process of moving back to my cell after a Health Check as the Guard have been arrested for misconduct....” “...No… You’re joking… You’re Rhythm… My Vod…. My Ori’Vod.” Pitch shook his head. CT-2895 frowned. “You have the wrong guy…” Pitch shook his head again and looked to his fellow 501st. “No… That’s my VOD. What the Fuck happened here!?” He demanded. “...We were just given orders to escort to medical checks, if you want something, find the Captain or Kix… You know they deserve this after what they tried to do with Fi-” The Trooper didn’t finish his sentence before he fell to Pitch’s punch. “No… You shut up!” He moved again to grab at CT-2895, no Rhythm, as Orange flashed and grabbed his arm as Tacet shook his head. “What the fuck is wrong with you, Pitch?!” The trooper grumbled. “I’ll report this to the captain…” Pitch leaned towards the Trooper, his buddy pulling him away from the enraged medic. “Be sure you do! I want a word with him and why I wasn't involved with my OWN batchmate!” Pitch threatened as the trio continued to press on as Tacet held onto Pitch. “...It’s Rhythm… But… He’s Retconned…” Pitch frowned. “I recognise that formation of freckles, I swear to Kriff.” Tacet looked down. “There’s reports 200 went out and 200 came back wiped… After the hunt for Ahsoka Tano…” Tacet responded to him. “Rhythm… may have been one of them… But Commander Cody and Captain Rex have all the records and we can’t check them without their permission… Unless…” “...Unless?” “....We have ONE person…” Pitch stared at Tacet, who sunk his head, shaking it exasperated and tired. “Rhythm’s shadow.” The two looked at each other before nodding. - What Olly would have suspected was a change of the Guard of his cell, considering his containment needed to be… a little re-enforced. What he hadn’t expected to see… was his Guard open the door before a brick hit his helmet, throwing him into the wall. Tacet stepped into the room, hand tightly clenching the Brick, face blank as Pitch stared almost in horror. “....Wow, remind me never to piss you off.” Olly raised an eyebrow as Pitch checked over the clone as Tacet stepped in, throwing the brick to the side, causing a small dent into the wall as the 212th member looked over the Riot Trooper. Red Alert perked up from his spot, face likely complaining about the MULTITUDES of issues caused by this. “...What do you want?” Olly muttered. “...Answers… about everything.” Tacet responded quietly before moving to his knees and sitting. “...About the Vod you obviously didn’t care for?” Olly glared towards the two as Pitch winced. “...Rhythm means more to me than the 501st… Tacet is the one holding me from going to Captain Rex and fucking punching the snot out of him…” Pitch muttered. “I mean you could do something alternative.” Olly suggested as Pitch grunted. “I’d be willing at this point.” “...Enough… Why did 200 go away and come back reconned… Pitch… almost had an altercation with some troopers over him… I assume… he was one of the ones… who…” Tacet spoke wincing. “Why is he still talking, I know his vocals are still off.” He shook his head before switching to something more comfortable. Tacet smiled weakly. /Pardon/ Tacet’s hands shook twice in a peace formation as Olly read it. /Things are… Odd/ Olly moved his right hand across his chin in a pointed motion. Tacet frowned, folding his arms for a moment. He rubbed his knuckles together.

/Brother?/

Olly’s hands paused. And Red Alert took over. “Order from the top… they requested 200 Guardsmen who were involved with the chase to be re-conned… Rhythm was in the Communications center. He was part of them… all wiped and Returned… Fox put their names as memorials…”

Pitch shrunk a bit. “A few people have been told about everything here… I know a few selected to help Rex after… THAT. Me and Tacet knew nothing. We didn’t even know the Guard were arrested or what happened to Rhythm-”

/You didn’t check/ Olly motioned his hand, pointer to his eye and pinkie to his lips and thumb out as Tacet scowled. /Make it up. Please./ Tacet’s hand shook as Olly twisted his body away from the two, anger rising. They should have known. Red Alert looked over to his taller trooper before looking back.. “You have no time until they check on the guard… You need to know where they’ve likely got Fox’s things… Rhythm… Rhythm left a message for you guys…” Red Alert spoke up as Olly turned quickly back, feeling betrayed by his fellow Riot Trooper. But Red Alert knew… that these two would try their darndest to look into it. “Olly, I know you don’t care anymore but Rhythm was their Vod… they made this effort here. Let them make their decision…” Olly grunted as Red Alert shook his head. “There were others but… Find Fox’s things and find Rhythm’s message to you… I assume your Sister asked you… and knowing her; she'd be waiting until she can come back to Coruscant immediately.” “...You know Beat… She was a Corrie before the 104th.” Pitch sighed before standing up. “...So I guess we’re breaking into the Investigation for Rhythm.” He nodded. “I might be re-conned but then I can join Rhythm at least… He doesn’t deserve to be alone like this…”

-

Little did they know… CT-2895 sat in his cell and looked at his arm. The Blue medic… and Orange ARF trooper… They seemed familiar and distraught at him… No matter… He leaned back quietly, before murmuring words from a long ago lullaby he saw in a dream of a caring mother and her two children;

Well come and well met, my brave little spark How long you've wandered, burned bright as a star Oh, I have awaited you patiently all this time Past every fate Now sing with me once more, share of your life Far greater than memory, its loss and love words cannot hold Boundless the tale overflowsAnd carries your light out to sea

[zevranunderstander]

i love it when stories aren't upfront with you about what motivates the main character in a story and only tell you when you're way in and it shifts the whole perspective you had on the character? mae borowski only explaining that she suffers from extreme dissociation and can't really percieve other people as people anymore when the story is almost over. flint in black sails being revealed to be driven by revenge because he was exiled from england for being gay. the way you have to re-evaluate all of their actions and see them in a completely different light than before. wow wow wow wow etc.

[cherrymorgado]

BLOG 1 - Lab Activity

Hello, tumblr! Hello, world! Greetings in the name of St. Paul!

I am Cherry Mae C. Morgado, a 21-year-old and a Bachelor of Secondary Education Major in English student at St. Paul University Philippines. I live in Catarauan, Amulung, Cagayan but I am currently residing here in San Gabriel Village, Tuguegarao City.

My parents are both LET passers and both are licensed professional teachers. Growing up, my parents trained me to become responsible and independent, preparing me to face the challenges and struggles that life could bring. And now, they see me as someone who is strong, brave, and tough because I face my battles alone. Despite that, I appreciated the people who are with me when I was in my lowest point of my life.

I have three siblings. A boy and two girls. Right now, they are my source of inspiration and motivation to finish and pursue my dreams, to continue my life and to go through the challenges that life could throw at me. After graduation and when finally, can get a job, I will spoil them and give them the best life that they deserve. And mind you, I really get emotional when I am talking about them.

Anyhow, I love cats and dogs. I have a very special bond with them and I always befriended our neighbor’s cat and dog until they decided to live in our house. I am caring, genuine, and I value friendship a lot. Aside from that soft side of me, I also have the firm one. I am strong, fierce, and calculating. Plus, I am hot-tempered.

I am into sports. I play Arnis when I was in Elementary and Highschool. I also play chess, volleyball and badminton. Thus, I love singing.

I see myself 5 years from now teaching, living my best life, and spoiling my family in everything that I could give them. I see the best version of myself. I believe my stay and learning here at SPUP will lead me to where I pictured myself after 5 years. SPUP is molding me to become one of the best teachers and citizen in my community, country, and the world. Thus, SPUP has a great contribution to my present self at the moment because it brings the best in me and I was able to build a deeper and stronger relationship with God.

With regards to my course which is Bachelor of Secondary Education Major in English, I believe it is the best course for me. Although I never imagined myself as a teacher because my childhood dream was to be a nurse, as I grow old, I realized that Nursing is not for me and that is why I shifted to BSED Major in English. At first, I was not so sure about it but eventually, I found my hope and purpose. BSED is just right for me and as a teacher-would-be, I want to touch the lives of my students, inspire them about the lesson I learned in life, and share my knowledge with them.

[sunb0rn]

think im giving up trying to do thesis things on weekends. been doing so nang ilang buwan na pero wala naman nangyayare, naghihirap lang ako mag uwi ng lappy every friday tas ibabalik sa office pag monday. this fckin backpain is killing me.

mas kailangan kong ayusin yung sched ko on weekdays para magawa ko ito kahit unti unti after shift.

eto naman main reason kaya gusto ko humiwalay ng apartment kina mae eh. this should be enough motivation kasi simula naman nung nasa institute dorm pa nag iisip na ako paano ito magawa, especially simula this year; na move na nga lang nang na move. ngayon na nasa mas comfy na uwian na ako kaya wala na dapat "excuses".

yung weekends ko id spend nalang watching or reading or going out. hm. ✨✨✨

//

[zyeprex]

Individual Poetries

Theme: Beauty and Simplicity Title: Moonlight, Starlight Author: Mahinal, Almira G. In my ear- wind so smooth, The trees danced slowly swaying, Feeling the cold air living. In the simpliest sight, I found that might light How lovely it can be, To see your pure beauty. Through that alluring light, I know that I am right To thank this brown naked eye, Eases this discomfort of mine. I wonder what it feels like, To have you by my side, Moonlight, starlight, the simpliest, That elegant beauty from east. The sense of that beauty, I fall for that simplicity, Well, moonlight, starlight - so cool, I stand for you even your fall.

Theme: Dreams and Visions Title: "Her Journey" Author: Majaducon, Jonalyn Mae L. Dedication is her weapon, She who do not rest, She who aims the best. Looking at the brighter side, Her future should be unhide, She who owns an unsure vision Making her life bright is a mission. Falling is never a decision, Family is her motivation, To bring them peace, Will make her life at ease. The goals unmasked, Making it true is a task, With a positive mind, Hoping her journey will be kind. In the end life is unclear, That's why she is full of fear, Yet her goals are already set, The experience she wil never forget.

Theme: Time and Eternity Title: Dream of my Yesterday's time Author: Montealto, Emmanuelle Padilla Like the grains of sand in an hourglass, The sands of time slip away so fast, Moments once held so close and dear, Now a fleeting memory no longer near. With each passing day another grain falls, Reminding us of life's inevitable tolls, Time's relentless tide cannot be denied, As it carries us on this wild and wondrous ride. Yesterdays' dreams tomorrow's unknown, This vast desert we all roam, Through shifting dunes of joy and sorrow, We chase our dreams hoping for a brighter tomorrow. But as the sands of time continue to flow, We must cherish the moments we now sow, For tomorrow becomes yesterday in a blink, And the sand of time leave no time to think. So let us seize each precious moment we find For the sands of time are not always kind, As they slip away with every passing day, Let us make our mark before we're a step away.

Theme: Stars and Astronomy Title: Void of the Great Unknown Author: Paderna, Louie Ken C. Up above the atmosphere, The vast darkness I fear, Where souls go to ascend, To be filled with stars that have no end. Blazing orbs that shine as if diamonds, My attention is called, as if summoned, Celestial bodies that are called constellations, Where can be seen across the nations. Null is the time when they do not amaze me, Imitating the depth of a calm black sea, Where life-forms remain mysterious and unknown, And it all originated from something that had blown. In the celestial canvas, a tapestry of night, Stars emerge, glimmers of distant light. Galaxies twirl in cosmic ballet, Astronomy's secrets, in the heavens, lay. Telescopes peer into the vast unknown, Revealing secrets, to us, yet shown. Exploration's spirit, evergrown, Astronomy's legacy, forever sown.

[maebyshifting]

here’s the thing even if you don’t believe in yourself with shifting i believe in you. i’ll be your cheerleader. i’ll always be in your corner rooting for you. because you deserve it. now go shift you got this bestie

[carissa3mae]

There is so much that we think we can’t do, for whatever reason. Maybe you feel like you’re not educated enough to do something, or maybe it seems too physically hard for you. If you have discipline and patience, you can do anything! Keep the faith and constantly tell yourself that you can do it, because then, your mind will start believing it. 

[dedicatedtodance]

National Dance Radio Airplay

Top 50 for the week ending July 22, 2023

You Got Me----TELYKAST f/ Georgia Ku -4

Praising You----Rita Ora -1

Padam Padam----Kylie Minogue -3

Side Effects---Becky Hill, Lewis Thompson -6

AM PM----NOTD f/ Maia Wright -2

If Only I----Loud Luxury, Two Friends f/ Bebe Rexha -10

Whistle----Jax Jones, Calum Scott -5

Strangely Sentimental---Anabel Englund -11

So Much In Love---D.O.D -13

Let Me Go----Afrojack f/ Theresa Rex -19

Feels This Good---Sigala, Mae Muller, Caity Baser, Stefflon Don -8

From The Start----Morgin Madison, Ryan Lucian -9

Eat Your Man----Dom Dolla, Nelly Furtado -17

Beggin'----Chris Lake, Aluna -16

React----Switch Disco, Ella Henderson -20

Fast Forward---NIIKO & SWAE -14

Call On Me---Bebe Rexha -24

Other Side---ILLENIUM, Said The Sky, Vera Blue -22

Take It Off----Fisher, Aatig -15

Baby Don't Hurt Me---David Guetta, Anne-Marie, Col Leray -21

Motive---Armin VanBuuren -29

Giving Me---Jazzy -25

Where You Are---John Summit, Hayla -12

Jacare----Sofi Tukker -18

16 Again----Paul Woofford, Lewis Thompson, MNEK -7

Makeba----JAIN -41

Miracle---Calvin Harris, Ellie Goulding -23

Fool 4 U----Galantis & JVKE f/ Enisa -28

Every Thought Of You---GT_OFICE, ALWZ SNNY -30

0800 Heaven----Nathan Dawe, Joel Corry, Ella Henderson -40

Party In My Head----PLS&TY -32

***Running Blind---Aluna, Tchami, Kareem Lomax -68

Dance The Night---Dua Lipa -37

Oceans---Gryffin & Kid Joi -34

No Sleep---Regard, Ella Henderson -35

***Phone----MEDUZA, Sam Thompkins, Em Behold -54

Live Without Love---Shouse, David Guetta -46

***(It Goes Like) Nanana----Peggy Gou -62

See The Light----Swedish House Mafia f/ Fridayy -31

Rhyme Dust----MK & Dom Dolla -26

***Memory----Bonnie & Clyde -97

***I Remember----Deadmou5 & Kaskade (John Summit remix) 177

Where You Want---Riton, David Guetta, Jozzy -43

***In A Dream----ACRAZE -184

***Ascend---Dezko --55

10:35----Tiesto, Tate McRae -50

Vibration----Kaleena Zanders, Shift K3Y -27

***Asking----Sonny Fodera & MK -82

***Be My Lover----Hypaton, David Guetta, LaBouche -53

Karma---Taylor Swift -48

[thelistingteammiami]

Homebuyers Are Getting Used to the New Normal

Homebuyers Are Getting Used to the New Normal

If you're thinking about selling your house, it's crucial to be aware of the current state of the housing market. Fortunately, one positive development is that homebuyers are adjusting to the current mortgage rates and seeing them as the new normal.

To gain a deeper understanding of recent trends in mortgage rates, check out the graph below which displays the trend for the 30-year fixed mortgage rate from Freddie Mac since October of last year. As you can see, rates have remained relatively stable, hovering between 6% and 7% for the past nine months.

According to Lawrence Yun, Chief Economist at the National Association of Realtors (NAR), mortgage rates play a significant role in buyer demand and, by extension, home sales. Yun highlights the positive impact of stable rates:

“Mortgage rates heavily influence the direction of home sales. Relatively steady rates have led to several consecutive months of consistent home sales.”

As a seller, it's great news to hear that the housing market is steady right now. This means that there are active buyers looking to purchase homes. Let's take a closer look at how the demand has been affected by mortgage rates recently.

Last year, there was a sudden surge in mortgage rates, which rose from around 3% to 7%. This unexpected increase caused many potential homebuyers to reconsider their plans. However, as time passed, people have become more familiar with the current mortgage rates and have realized that the historically low rates of the past few years are no longer available. According to Doug Duncan, SVP and Chief Economist at Fannie Mae, there has been a shift in perspective among buyers.

“. . . consumers are adapting to the idea that higher mortgage rates will likely stick around for the foreseeable future.”

According to a recent survey conducted by Freddie Mac, 18% of respondents have expressed their intention to purchase a home within the next six months. This indicates that almost one in every five people surveyed plan to buy a house in the near future. Hence, it is apparent that buyers are preparing to be active in the coming months.

It is important to note that mortgage rates are not the only factor that influences buyer demand. Regardless of the current mortgage rates, people will always have reasons to move, such as job relocation, household changes, or personal motivations. As a seller, you can be confident that there is a market for your house today, and the demand is still strong as buyers settle into the current rates.

Bottom Line

The current perception of mortgage rates among buyers is changing, as they become accustomed to the new normal. The stability of rates has led to a robust demand from buyers and a steady flow of home sales. Let's connect so that we can list your house on the market and attract potential buyers.

[constancelaufeydottir]

𝐎𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐨𝐨𝐤𝐞𝐝

Pairing: Neighbour!Bucky x reader

Warnings: Mentions of knife, blood, cursing, murder, mention of cannibalism, dark!Bucky(?), major character death, slight smut, fluff.

Summary: Bucky set his eyes on his sweet and cute neighbour who had suffered from a loss recently, determined to make her his.

Word count: 4.3k

a/n: This is my entry for @ambrosiase hotel indigo writing challenge. It’s my first ever writing challenge, and I had a lot of fun writing this! Honestly, I'm really grateful for this challenge because it motivates me to finish this wip that has been sitting in the draft for too long. Thank you for this lovely challenge mae ♡♡

Not beta’d, all mistakes are my own. If you see any mistakes, do let me know!

Room ⥤ Modern muse

Room service ⥤ neighbour + criminal

“Oh that poor thing.”

Bucky whipped his head in the direction of the voice. It was Mrs. Lockwood, his neighbour on the right.

“Huh?” He didn’t mean to voice out his confusion, but his brain was somewhat short-circuited, barely able to function when his sight was filled with you, and you only.

“That sweet girl over there,” Mrs. Lockwood was referring to you, his sweet neighbour to the left he was staring at, before the old lady came interrupting.

He had been staring for 5, 10 minutes maybe? He swore he wasn’t a pervert, you were just a sight for sore eyes, the healer of the wounds in his soul.

“What about y/n?” He asked, curious to listen to what his neighbour would say about the other neighbour. Also, he was fairly new to the neighbourhood, having just moved in last month, he ought to catch up with the gossip.

“Her boyfriend went missing a few months back, poor girl was devastated. Police suspected it was murder, even suspected y/n!” The old lady shook her head, casting pitying glances at the oblivious girl in the sundress, bathing under the sun with a book in her hand. “She’s such a sweet girl, how could they have suspected her?”

Bucky glanced at you, heart racing when you caught him looking. You shyly waved at him, a small smile plastered on your face hiding the underlying sadness of the loss of your loved one. His hand felt clammy when he raised one of them to wave back, his usual flirty self vanished whenever you were involved in the equation.

“Boy, you are in love aren’t ya,” Mrs. Lockwood teased, “I say go for it. Our lovely y/n definitely needs some lovin’ after what she’d been through and young man, I think you are the right person.” Her eyes crinkled as she patted Bucky encouragingly on the shoulder, like a loving mother cheering up her son.

Bucky, who was usually composed, blushed furiously. That big brain of his still hadn’t regained its functions thus he found himself unable to stop Mrs. Lockwood when she hollered at you.

Clearly immersed in your book, you jumped a little when you heard your name being called.

“Y/n, this young man would love to take you out on a date, what d’ya say?” His eyes widened at the accusation, though it was true that he wanted to date you, he just needed time to gather the guts to ask you out.

He saw you put down your book, walking towards him and Mrs. Lockwood. You were a front yard away from him, shielding the harsh sunlight from your eyes with your hands while leaning onto the fence.

“I’d love to,” you had to speak louder, and Bucky loved your voice as he only heard it only a handful of times now, often you were shy and quiet when you saw him.

“U-uhm, how about Saturday then,” He stuttered like a teenage boy who first received a love letter, suddenly forgetting how to speak, speech lost in the sea of disbelief and excitement, and affection.

You said nothing, only nodding and smiling at him, flashing those pearly whites.

“Great. 6pm. I’ll pick you up,”

“See you soon, James.” He watched as you walked away, a teasing smile on your face before you disappeared into the door. Gosh how he loved the way his name sounded on your lips, and he’d give anything to hear it again, and again.

Saturday came too soon, Bucky was not prepared at all. Well, he had done the reservations for the restaurant he’d planned to bring you to tonight, ironed out the creases and wiped off the non-existent dust on the dress shirt he would be wearing, so why was he nervous?

5:50 pm.

Call him old-fashioned or whatever, he’d prefer early to late and would love to escort you to his car. He stood in front of your porch, palm sweating and if his metal arm could secrete sweats, he was pretty sure it would end up like its counterpart.

You opened the door as soon as he rapped his knuckles on the wooden door, seeming eagerly waiting for him as he was for you.

He took in your outfit, the moderately revealing dress he liked, the one he saw you undress from, through his window countless times.

If it was possible to fall into a deeper love, he would.

The date couldn’t possibly be better than he imagined, it was perfect. Everything was great; the atmosphere of the restaurant, the quality of the food, and most importantly, you.

You were shy at first but opened up fairly quickly, telling him stories about you, and vice versa. You sympathized with him when he told you how he got the metal arm, your fingers grazing the delicate and intricate loops and lines on the metal surface.

His fingers were woven into yours halfway into the dinner, the cool metal fingers of his absently caressing your knuckles as you shared the story about your family, who disappeared mysteriously, then your ex-boyfriend, who went missing 5 months ago, like your family.

It was hard, talking about missing loved ones. Bucky could tell, by the way your hand unconsciously tightened, the lingering sadness in your eyes as you mentioned how happy you were before him. The way your tears were brimming in your eyes, threatening to glide down your face, it wrenched his heart, seeing how broken you were. He would try to pick up every broken piece of you in a heartbeat, mending them back together, fixing you until you were happy again if you would let him in.

He was kind of glad your ex-boyfriend was out of the picture, though it was a selfish thing to say. He desperately wanted to claim you, wanted to be your last and only boyfriend.

He’d been going on dates with you for a few months now. You were perfect, almost too perfect if he would say. You were practically his dream girl, so kind and generous. So sweet and loving. Pretty much everybody in this neighbourhood would agree with him and he sometimes wondered if he really deserved you. A beauty mingling with a beast. No one would ever want to see that, after all, even the beast turned into a handsome prince at the end of the fairytale.

Bucky wondered, if you found out what he did every night after you were asleep or what he took from your closet when you were away, would you still want him? If you found out the beast within him, would you still love him the same?

His thoughts were occupied and it wasn’t until the sharp pain in his fingers that he snapped out of his trance.

“Fuck!” You heard him cursing and went to him, gasping when you saw the streams of blood flowing from the deep cut from two of his fingers.

Hastily reaching out for the clean cloth from one of the drawers, you placed it over the wound, applying pressure on them.

The red quickly seeped through the pristine white cloth, two colours clashing as the red engulfed the white.

Bucky noticed you wincing at the red, gulping at the sight, head slightly turned away. It was obvious you were uncomfortable at the sight of blood, so he took the cloth himself and nudged you to wash the faint hint of blood on your palms.

“Sorry, now you might have to do this alone,” Bucky gestured at the ingredients on the counter, “and sorry for the cloth, blood stains are quite hard to get rid off.”

“Don’t you worry, a little hydrogen peroxide and the cloth will be as good as new,” Bucky let you tend to his wounds and pushed him towards the living room where he would sit at the couch for the next hour while you were busy at the kitchen preparing dinner.

While he was in the living room, he took in the interior of your house. He never got to take a close look, as he always had to sneak in when it was dark. The beige colour walls, cream coloured furnitures, books arranged perfectly on the floating shelves. The pictures and art hung on the clean walls, not one of them is crooked. The square coffee table with only the remote and a display plant on it, and when he shifted himself to sit at the center of the couch, did he realize the coffee table was lined up perfectly in the middle of the TV and the couch.

Bucky’s eyebrows raised, he didn’t depict you as a meticulous person. No wait, whenever he went out with you, you’d arrange the plates to sit between the utensils perfectly. When you get boba, the straws must precisely be in the center of the cup, and if you missed it, your eyebrows would furrow in annoyance subconsciously.

His eyes wandered over to your figure in the kitchen and was not surprised to find you wiping and hanging the cutting board on the ceramic wall, adjusting it with your fingers so it wouldn’t be crooked while waiting for the stew to simmer.

You caught him looking at you and threw a smile at him in which he reciprocated, then continued to let his eyes wander through your living room. This could easily be an IKEA showroom, he thought.

Another week went by, Bucky found himself more and more in love with you, if that was possible in the first place as if he didn’t already dedicate all the space in his heart for you.

You were both in the kitchen again. This time however, he was busy mixing the sugar, flour, and cocoa powder mixture, with you snuggling behind him, arms circling his waist as you watched him do the magic.

He felt sorry for not helping last time so he was making up to you by baking some brownies.

As you both were cleaning up, brownies baking in the oven, Bucky turned to you.

“Hey, I never asked, but what do you do for a living?” He questioned nonchalantly while wiping the huge plastic bowl.

The wet spatula fell from your grip, dropping into the sink of water, droplets of soapy liquid flecked on your shirt.

“O-oh, i’m an artist!” You let out a laugh to conceal your flustered state, “Aspiring artist to be exact.”

“An artist,” he hummed, as if chewing onto the meaning of the word, “could you show me your works?”

Your head whipped towards his direction, mouth parted in surprise. Nobody has ever appreciated your dream. Your family, your friends, your ex-boyfriends, all of them claimed that being an artist would lead you to being unsuccessful, and you deemed to prove them wrong.

“Yes, yes, of course,” you were overjoyed. Abandoning the half-washed utensils, you clasped your hand around his wrist and dragged him to follow you towards the second floor, into a room hidden behind another beige coloured door, where you kept all your works.

Rows of headless mannequins clothed in white dresses painted with red blossoms appeared before him as you pushed open the door.

He was utterly mesmerized. He trailed his gaze across the display, a smile painted his lips as he deduced that every piece of them was unique. No two dresses had the same pattern.

Some had plain red blossoms splattered on it, some had dark red waves littering on the bottom hem; some with brush strokes of red. There was also a different tone of red, bright and dark or somewhat in between.

“Wow, this is just … amazing!” He found himself at a loss for words, “are those blood?”

“Yes, they are.”

“I thought you don’t like blood?” Bucky teased.

“These are animal blood. I’m fine with it as long as it’s not coming out from a human,” you retorted.

He chuckled. Once again admiring the intricate patterns of your works, marvelling at how talented and perfect you were. His heart sank at the thought of the question he frequently found himself asking, how can someone so perfect like you end up with someone less than perfect like him.

You apparently noticed his changed demeanor as you inched yourself closer to pull him into an embrace, placing your chin on his chest, eyes searching for his sad blue ones.

“Are you okay?” He hugged you tighter, sighing.

“I’m fine. I just … I think you’re perfect and you’re everything I've ever wanted. But I'm not sure if I'm perfect enough for you.”

“Oh James, you’re more than enough. I assure you, you’re everything I’ve ever wanted too.”

Bucky felt like his heart was filled to the brim with adoration, butterflies erupted from his stomach. Your assurance was everything to him, keeping his wandering soul anchored and he was grateful for it, grateful for your existence. The more the reason to cage you by his side so you couldn’t ever leave him.

His lips were on yours the next second, his grip on your waist tightened as you deepened the kiss, tongue finding his; busy hands sliding from his stomach to his shoulder.

Both of you were drowning in this ecstasy, unwilling to part away from each other’s touch.

The loud ding of the oven startled the both of you. Momentarily parting from each other, you stared at him with a heated glance. His eyes were hooded, filled with lust, desire.

“Fuck the brownies,” you whispered, molding your soft lips on him once again, the hunger for each other far greater than the stupid brownies, “need you now.”

Bucky didn’t need to be told twice, large hands cupping your bottom as you hopped and hooked your legs behind him, arms instinctively went to his shoulders for support.

He brought the both of you to your room, the one he was all too familiar with, the one with the same cream coloured theme which could definitely pass as another IKEA showroom judging by how perfect the layout was.

The only odd thing that stood out in this far too perfect room was the trail of scratch marks extending from the door frame to the wall outside of the room.

The deep scratch marks were somehow etched deep in his brain, he couldn’t let it go. It felt as if there was a dot of blank ink on a piece of white paper, and even though there was more white than black, you’d only be fixated on the dot of black.

He would ask you about the haunting marks on the wall and your fingers that were tracing patterns on his skin would falter, you’d give him the warm smile he loved while brushing it off saying it was the huge Dobermann your aunt owned which did that.

Even when he was balls deep in you, the vivid image of the scratch marks were there in his head, though you were quick to draw back his attention with a grind on his hips, both of your bodies covered with sheen of perspiration. Strands of your hair sticking to your body, but you pay no care to them as you rocked your hips, chanting his name over and over again like a mantra, like a prayer.

His eyes were on your fucked out state, his grip on you like steel. The cool surface of his metal arm contrasted with your hot flushed body as you chase your high like a traveller chasing the oasis in a desert, desperate for a quench of thirst.

Even when he was chasing the same high, vision blinding with bliss, the marks were still there and this time they were accompanied by the white dresses painted with red, and red only.

Bucky was always a doubtful person. Doubting every single decision he’d ever made. Doubting himself, doubting others. But there was one thing he was certain of, there was something less than innocent lurking underneath your skin. Of course, he was still head over heels for you but he was pretty adamant to find out the sinister in you, hoping it would answer his questions, mainly the recurring image of a certain mark.

Bucky was a lot of things, dumbass , dork, clumsy(per sam), but he was not stupid. Hell, he was far from stupid. Those scratch marks, definitely not the Dobermann.

You were a perfectionist, you couldn’t possibly leave the mark there and acted like nothing happened in the first place. He’d imagine if it was the dog, you’d probably have someone fix the dent the same day, unwilling to allow even a speck of blemish in your flawless house.

Bucky was a lot of things, and being a dumbass was definitely one of them as he was showing up on your porch in the evening unannounced.

He’d considered sneaking in like he used to do but he knew, he saw that you were still in the house. He couldn’t and wouldn’t jeopardize your relationship with him knowing he’d get caught.

He knocked on your door, hearing footsteps paddling, rushing to him.

As you opened the door, your eyes widened at the sight of an awkward Bucky. Although you were quick to throw him an unalarming smile, he still caught the nervousness in you.

There was something off with you. The disheveled hair, thin layer of sweat adorning the crown of your head, unknown wet liquid staining your shirt.

He caught a whiff of the strong smell of chemicals wafting through the door, it smelled a lot like bleach.

“I’m sorry,” he scratched at the back of his neck, “is this not a good time?”

“It’s fine, come on in.”

The smell of bleach invaded his nose the moment he stepped into your house, flooding and overwhelming his senses causing him to wince.

“Were you deep cleaning?”

“Yeah, I accidentally spilled some of the animal blood this morning. Had to use hell lots of hydrogen peroxide to get rid of them. Sorry for the smell.”

“No no, it’s okay. Let me just open the windows and door, okay?” He was getting a little light-headed now, desperately needing some fresh air. “Doll, you need to ventilate every time you use bleach, it’s harmful for your health to inhale all these fumes.”

You blushed at the term of endearment, yet wanting to blame him for not calling you that earlier.

He went over to open the windows, sighing contentedly at the waves of fresh air hitting his face as the wind blew in.

He felt your arms snaking around him, head leaning against his broad back.

“I love you, James. Wouldn’t know what to do without you.”

“I love you too.” He turned around and hugged you, his chin propped on your head, not knowing you had a solemn expression on your face.

He’d spent the evening with you, watching TV on the couch with you in his lap. It was so mundane yet he’d never got bored of this, wanting to do this with you for the rest of his life.

Outside the window, the orange and yellow sky faded into darkness.

“Let’s order take out, how about Thai food?”

“I’ll cook,” you kissed him on the lips and got up from his lap before he could reply anything.

“Ok, you need help?” He heard a faint ‘no, it’s fine’ coming out of the kitchen followed by the clanking of pots and utensils.

His neck stretched to peek at your figure in the kitchen, too busy chopping up ingredients to notice he was no longer at the living room.

He made his way down the basement, where the pungent smell of the bleach was still lingering.

The wood creaked as he stepped on the stairs, announcing his arrival to the darkness surrounding the basement. The soft glow of light illuminated the large space, a wall of tins stacking on each other revealed to him. A few easels of different sizes were propped on the wall with several grey aprons hanging beside them.

He walked closer to examine the insane amount of tins. A small label that said Pig blood was stickered on the body of the white tin.

His eyebrows scrunched up in confusion. Do people really sell animal blood in metal tins, wouldn’t they go bad?

There were loads of questions in Bucky’s head, questions with answers only you could provide.

He noticed a chest freezer sitting in the corner of the basement and his legs brought him to it before he came to realize. The whole basement was so quiet he could hear the soft ringing in his ears, the racing of his heartbeat amplified as his hand inched towards the lid.

There was nothing in the freezer, to his surprise.

The empty freezer stared back at him, as if mocking his fruitless attempt. He was relieved, or disappointed, he couldn’t tell the difference and there was no point in distinguishing them now since you had nothing to hide. He wasn’t even sure what he was expecting to find in the freezer.

“Babe?” You stood behind him with an apron on, a knife in your hand, a second after he closed the door to the basement.

He leaned against the door frame, hand went to his head, eyes squeezed shut as he pretended he was having a headache.

“Felt dizzy all of a sudden, I was just making my way to the bathroom.”

“Oh, okay. I was just about to tell you dinner's almost ready,” a tooth-rotting smile was plastered on your face.

“I’ll be there in a minute,” he watched as you walked away, letting out the breath he’d been holding. His palm was clammy, heart beating rapidly.

“I love you,” You placed your hand on his arm, eyes meeting his.

“I know, doll. I love you too.”

This was seconds before dinner.

“James, I love you.” You whispered, watching him giving you a grin before he stuffed the meatball into his mouth.

“Wow, I'm so loved today. It’s the secon- no, third time you’ve said ‘I love you’ to me today.” He grinned, heart bursting with love. “You know I love you too.”

This was mid-dinner.

“I love you so much, James.”

Bucky was getting suspicious of you. Were you hiding something, perhaps cheating on him? For there were no reasons for you to keep telling him you loved him even though he knew how much you loved him and vice versa.

“I love you,” you kissed his knuckles, “this might be the last time I get to say I love you, James.”

His eyebrows furrowed at your statement, mouth parting to question what you meant. Before he could voice out something, the world faded into nothingness.

A thin film of blurriness clouded his eyes when he opened them, Bucky had this feeling like he was drowning in a swamp and his whole body was bound.

Blinking furiously, he regained his vision. You were sitting on a chair leaning forwards while looking at him endearingly, your elbows propped on your knees, palms supporting your chin.

“Hello, my love,” you were smiling oh so sweetly. The same smile that got him mesmerized and head over heels, except this time he didn’t feel the warm fuzzy feeling exploding in his chest, this time it was the goosebumps crawling on his arms and the chill creeping up his spine.

Now everything made sense, every single of his questions was answered.

You looked down at his body, the one that was once full of life, full of love. You watched as his glassy blue eyes etched with fear quickly reduced into this grey lifeless orbs, still pretty but lacking the element of a beautiful soul.

You weep for him, mourn for him. Mourning the short duration of love shared between the both of you. Mourning for yourself, for falling too hard. Mourning for him who kept you always in his heart.

To be honest, you were a little hesitant to end his life, he was better than the last one. He was perfect, warm, kind, loving, gentle, but not perfect enough. He simply did not reach your expectations, and you, could not bear imperfections, even the slightest. The answer to his downfall was pretty easy, he was too close to the ugly truth. And despite you knowing his love for you outweighs his doubt and fear in you, you simply couldn’t risk it.

Your love for perfection exceeds your love for him.

The melodious music of your ringtone echoed in the ample space of the basement, you brought up your phone to your ears as you answered the call.

“Mrs. Lockwood? Yes. Of course. I did. No no no, I’ll do it for you this time. He would definitely taste delicious I assure you.”

Time to get to work, you sighed as you stood there with a white dress splattered with blood. How artistic, you thought.

You always loved this part of the process, you’d wear the whitest piece of dress you own whenever you work with your projects.

You loved how the blood peppered your clothes, forming blossoms of dark red flowers on the fabric.

You kept every single piece of them, because no two are the same. Every one of them tells a story, of men and women who loved you and who you loved, of those who were once a body with a soul.

Wiping away the tears rolling down your cheeks, you gave Bucky one last loving look and the blade of your butcher knife came in contact with his once pink but now pale skin as you hummed, the sound bouncing off the walls of the basement, forming echoes.

A few blocks away, a baby cried, body covered in mucus. The tiny infant cried, each time louder than the previous, wailing his lungs out, as if mourning. For one soul born, another reaped.

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There are eight books on our radar this week, from multiple genres. Which of these are on your TBR list?

All My Rage by Sabaa Tahir Razorbill

Lahore, Pakistan. Then. Misbah is a dreamer and storyteller, newly married to Toufiq in an arranged match. After their young life is shaken by tragedy, they come to the United States and open the Cloud’s Rest Inn Motel, hoping for a new start.

Juniper, California. Now. Salahudin and Noor are more than best friends; they are family. Growing up as outcasts in the small desert town of Juniper, California, they understand each other the way no one else does. Until The Fight, which destroys their bond with the swift fury of a star exploding.

Now, Sal scrambles to run the family motel as his mother Misbah’s health fails and his grieving father loses himself to alcoholism. Noor, meanwhile, walks a harrowing tightrope: working at her wrathful uncle’s liquor store while hiding the fact that she’s applying to college so she can escape him—and Juniper—forever.

When Sal’s attempts to save the motel spiral out of control, he and Noor must ask themselves what friendship is worth—and what it takes to defeat the monsters in their pasts and the ones in their midst.

From one of today’s most cherished and bestselling young adult authors comes a breathtaking novel of young love, old regrets, and forgiveness—one that’s both tragic and poignant in its tender ferocity.

Every Variable of Us by Charles A. Bush North Star Editions

After Philly teenager Alexis Duncan is injured in a gang shooting, her dreams of a college scholarship and pro basketball career vanish in an instant. To avoid becoming another Black teen trapped in her poverty-stricken neighborhood, she shifts her focus to the school's STEM team, a group of nerds seeking their own college scholarships. Academics have never been her thing, but Alexis is freshly motivated by Aamani Chakrabarti, the new Indian student who becomes her mentor (and crush?). Alexis begins to see herself as so much more than an athlete. But just as her future starts to reform, Alexis’s own doubts and old loyalties pull her back into harm’s way.

A Thousand Steps into Night by Traci Chee Clarion Books

From New York Times bestselling author and National Book Award finalist, Traci Chee, comes a Japanese-influenced fantasy brimming with demons, adventure, and plans gone awry.

In the realm of Awara, where gods, monsters, and humans exist side by side, Miuko is an ordinary girl resigned to a safe, if uneventful, existence as an innkeeper’s daughter. But when Miuko is cursed and begins to transform into a demon with a deadly touch, she embarks on a quest to reverse the curse and return to her normal life. Aided by a thieving magpie spirit and continuously thwarted by a demon prince, Miuko must outfox tricksters, escape demon hunters, and negotiate with feral gods if she wants to make it home again. But with her transformation comes power and freedom she never even dreamed of, and she’ll have to decide if saving her soul is worth trying to cram herself back into an ordinary life that no longer fits her… and perhaps never did.

Travelers Along the Way: A Robin Hood Remix by Aminah Mae Safi Feiwel and Friends

A ragtag band of misfits gets swept up in Holy Land politics in Travelers Along the Way by Aminah Mae Safi, a thrilling YA remix of the classic legend of Robin Hood.

Jerusalem, 1192. The Third Crusade rages on. Rahma al-Hud loyally followed her elder sister Zeena into the war over the Holy Land, but now that the Faranji invaders have gotten reinforcements from Richard the Lionheart, all she wants to do is get herself and her sister home alive.

But Zeena, a soldier of honor at heart, refuses to give up the fight while Jerusalem remains in danger of falling back into the hands of the false Queen Isabella. And so, Rahma has no choice but to take on one final mission with her sister.

On their journey to Jerusalem, Rahma and Zeena come across a motley collection of fellow travelers—including a softspoken Mongolian warrior, an eccentric Andalusian scientist, a frustratingly handsome spy with a connection to Rahma's childhood, and an unfortunate English chaplain abandoned behind enemy lines. The teens all find solace, purpose and camaraderie—as well as a healthy bit of mischief—in each other's company.

But their travels soon bring them into the orbit of Queen Isabella herself, whose plans to re-seize power in Jerusalem would only guarantee further war and strife in the Holy Land for years to come. And so it falls to the merry band of misfits to use every scrap of cunning and wit (and not a small amount of thievery) to foil the usurper queen and perhaps finally restore peace to the land.

Turning by Joy L. Smith Simon & Schuster

Genie used to fouetté across the stage. Now the only thing she’s turning are the wheels to her wheelchair. Genie was the star pupil at her exclusive New York dance school, with a bright future and endless possibilities before her. Now that the future she’s spent years building toward has been snatched away, she can’t stand to be reminded of it—even if it means isolating herself from her best friends and her mother. The only wish this Genie has is to be left alone.

But then she meets Kyle, who also has a “used to be.” Kyle used to tumble and flip on a gymnastics mat, but a traumatic brain injury has sent him to the same physical therapist that Genie sees. With Kyle’s support, along with her best friend’s insistence that Genie’s time at the barre isn’t over yet, Genie starts to see a new path—one where she doesn’t have to be alone and she finally has the strength to heal from the past.

But healing also means confronting. Confronting the booze her mother, a recovering alcoholic, has been hiding under the kitchen sink; the ex-boyfriend who was there the night of the fall and won’t leave her alone; and Genie’s biggest, most terrifying secret: the fact that the accident may not have been so accidental after all.

The Lost Dreamer by Lizz Huerta Farrar, Straus and Giroux (BYR)

Indir is a Dreamer, descended from a long line of seers; able to see beyond reality, she carries the rare gift of Dreaming truth. But when the beloved king dies, his son has no respect for this time-honored tradition. King Alcan wants an opportunity to bring the Dreamers to a permanent end—an opportunity Indir will give him if he discovers the two secrets she is struggling to keep. As violent change shakes Indir’s world to its core, she is forced to make an impossible choice: fight for her home or fight to survive.

Saya is a seer, but not a Dreamer—she has never been formally trained. Her mother exploits her daughter’s gift, passing it off as her own as they travel from village to village, never staying in one place too long. Almost as if they’re running from something. Almost as if they’re being hunted. When Saya loses the necklace she’s worn since birth, she discovers that seeing isn’t her only gift—and begins to suspect that everything she knows about her life has been a carefully-constructed lie. As she comes to distrust the only family she’s ever known, Saya will do what she’s never done before, go where she’s never been, and risk it all in the search of answers.

With a detailed, supernaturally-charged setting and topical themes of patriarchal power and female strength, Lizz Huerta's The Lost Dreamer brings an ancient world to life, mirroring the challenges of our modern one.

The Rumor Game by Dhonielle Clayton, Sona Charaipotra Disney

All it takes is one spark to start a blaze.

At Foxham Prep, a posh private school for the children of DC’s elite, a single rumor has the power to ruin a life.

Nobody knows that better than Bryn. She used to have it all—the perfect boyfriend, a bright future in politics, and even popularity, thanks to her best friend, cheer captain Cora. Then one mistake sparked a scandal that burned it all to the ground.

Now it’s the start of a new school year and the spotlight has shifted: It’s geeky Georgie, newly hot after a summer makeover, whose name is on everyone’s lips. When a rumor ignites, Georgie rockets up the school’s social hierarchy, pitting her and Cora against each other. It grants her Foxham stardom . . . but it also makes her a target.

As the rumors grow and morph, blazing like wildfire through the school’s social media, all three girls’ lives begin to unravel. But one person close to the drama has the power to stop the gossip in its tracks. The question is—do they even want to?

Crimson Reign (Blood Heir Trilogy #3) by Amélie Wen Zhao Delacorte Press

The Red Tigress, Ana Mikhailov, has returned to Cyrilia, but the country she once called home has fallen under a dark rule. Across the land, the Empress Morganya is tightening her grip on Affinites and non-Affinites alike. Ana dealt a blow to the Empress when she and her allies turned back Morganya's troops in Bregon, but she couldn't stop Morganya from gaining possession of the last remaining Bregonian siphon: a dangerous new weapon with the power to steal Affinities.

Ana's forces are scattered, and her tenuous alliance with the Cyrilian rebel group, the Red Cloaks, is becoming more frayed by the day. What's worse, she's lost her Affinity to blood and without it, Ana barely knows who she is anymore--or if she has the strength to defeat Morganya.

Morganya's reign of terror is close to crushing the nation Ana was born to rule. And now Ana will finally face the sinister empress, but will she survive? Will anyone? And will her Empire welcome her back to the throne, or turn her out to survive on her own.

The Affinites and Non-Affinites of Cyrilia will determine Ana's future, if Morganya doesn't kill her first.