#making this was kind of therapeutic in a way but also i'm crying lol

[alisonfelixwrites]

hi i just wanted to say that i just read lucky penny on wattpad and i'm... trying to figure out how to say this. i'm not well. i'm kind of. fuck. words. struggle. ugh. i'm in a really dark spot in my life. and i stumbled across lucky penny, not knowing what to expect, it's the first thing i've ever read by you. and i just needed to tell you how much it means to me. the amount of times i couldn't fight off the cheek splitting grins, blushes, and giggles that story caused me to have is insane. the most from anything i've ever read. and in a time in my life where i don't wear a drop of makeup anymore because i know that most of my days i'll end up crying it off, smiling and laughing is... not common. i was overwhelmed with so much giddiness when reading it. tiny squeals and hiding under my blanket when overcome with all the joy i felt. and it's such a foreign feeling right now. i know people say things like that a lot - 'giggling and kicking my feet', 'screaming', etc. etc. and its probably lost its impact to think you've made people feel that way... but for me, it's so unusual. it's like a drug to me right now, that kind of joy. and i've never felt it as strongly.

i also didn't expect to find that the relationship penny was in is just like a previous one of mine, and the way you wrote it... only someone who's been through it could write it like you did. and so for that, you have my heartfelt empathy. it's so hard to describe that relationship, and sometimes it still is... to somehow put it into words. it's always seemed intangible when explaining it. but you put words to it. the way you've shown it through different points of view is beautiful and a real talent.

the story is lovely. and there's so much fun with it. the friendship dynamic added such a lovely layer to the story, and was so refreshing to have that comradery so present in the storyline. it makes me yearn for something similar. the sexual exploration. the dialogue. the silly goofy. the playfulness. all of it was just really beautiful and i can't remember the last time i've felt my heart beat out of my chest like that. i can't wait to re-read it again.

i just wanted to say thank you. i saw your notes on it as i continued to read and realized that you' wrote 'd written it during a tough period in your life. so it was an escape for you. it was therapeutic. and that's exactly what it is to me.

hi :'(((((( this HAS TO BE one of the sweetest messages i ever received omfg i don't even know what to say. i'm so glad i could make you smile for a little bit and that lucky penny was sooo positive for you! i actually wrote it in a very similar point in my life, when I was very sick and bedbound. i wrote 70 chapters in like 6 weeks lol, I was just writing non stop and they meant so much to me and did so much for me. it's crazy to me how they can do so much for others too. ngl I was thinking of lucky penny lately and reread some of it and sooo many things made me cringe and i seriously considered reworking it/ rewriting it to fit my current writing style more - but the story is so charming even with the mistakes i made when writing it. i wrote it so quickly and it all came so naturally that i didn't think twice of the stuff i wrote, so it feel so pure to me :)) i'm so sorry you went through such a horrifying relationship and lost so much of yourself in it. i promise it gets sooooo much better!!!!!! thank you for this, i wanna give you the biggest hug, literally omg you made me tear up MWAHHHH <3333

[lyssentome]

Happy STS! Your characters are decorating. For what? You decide; Christmas, a party, the end of the world, etc. All that matters is they are together and they must decorate. Who claims overseer? Who disappears into the kitchen for snacks and never returns? Who spends two hours untangling lights or streamers?

Oh man, this question hits different as someone who's been in the decor team for several events in university clubs and stuff :D love it. (Personally, I'm usually the one untangling streamers... I untangled hanging decor for 2 hours straight once, all while crying because i was so stressed. 0/10 would not recommend.)

Anyway! Valeria is the one who's organizing and overseeing everything. Definitely the one who keeps the budget reasonable and the one who organized all the ideas from others in one single doc. And also the one making polls and what kind of decor that will actually make it. And is the one making sure there's actual work done. Helps giving opinions and helps with simple things like cutting and things like that because she's not exactly a creative person.

Arden is the one with too many ideas. Good in the initial stages, but definitely drives Valeria a little crazy due to how inconsistent he is. And when it comes to making all the decor? He jumps between different pieces. With snack breaks in between. And music. Otherwise he'll get distracted and needs to be redirected into going back to work. He does like creative work though. However, he is a little too forceful and might accidentally break a few things in the process.

Alexius makes sure everyone is happy, fed, and having a good time. And reminding them to take breaks every couple hours. He's also the one getting actual food to make sure they eat accordingly. He has some ideas, but mostly he's there to smooth out the creases (sometimes literally) and make sure everything looks good in the final touches. He also helps with basic stuff and is definitely the guy to go to if you need some untangling to do. The guy is patient as hell, just put on some music and he'll do it.

Brynn, like Arden, has way too many ideas and gets a little too carried away with the ideas to realize that their budget is not unlimited. She's super eager to work, sometimes to the point that she's the only one working while everyone's taking a break. (Alexius has to drag her away to take a break.) She's quite skilled with her hands, so she's definitely the one making most of the things along with Arden. She likes to ask for the others' opinions as she works on stuff to make sure everyone' satisfied and she's not fucking up.

Epione tries to not participate lol. Decorating is not her thing, but she is down to sit alongside Valeria and give out her opinions or help Alexius replenish snacks and foods. But she's definitely not touching the decorations because she really doesn't like that kind of work even if she likes other watching other people do it.

Xylena only trusts herself to do the simpler decorations, because like Arden she also has a tendency to accidentally break stuff. That said, she enjoys working on decorations, she thinks it's therapeutic to some degree and she likes the whole bonding aspect of it. She needs constant reassurance on whatever she's working on but she does enjoy the process. Can easily get lost in thought while she works, especially if she has headphones on.

Sierra either doesn't participate at all, or she is involved to an obsessive level. No in-between. If she's participating, she organizes everything, plans everything, makes everything. It would be to the point that Valeria would tell her to chill out and stop being a control freak. Sierra doesn't really like working with others because she thinks it's the only way to get the results she wants.

Well, I got a little carried away here... I guess the question being relevant to my experience has that effect lol

[suugrbunz]

Hey! 💝anon here.. That was me giving tips earlier.. Been back on Tumblr for just a couple days, clearing out my old account, saying hellos to old online friends. Thank you, so much, for how you inspired my story last year. You motivated me - so much!

The story finished. I adidn’t do a huge amount with Maureen & Lyam’s relationship; they had a few more moments together, bonding & learning to trust & appreciate each other. Their final moment in the story was their first kiss! (I can send a snippet if you’d like?)

I turned 19 last year (so, a bit younger than you I suppose :)) It’s been good, getting offline. It’s given me more time to do other things; learn gardening from an elderly relative, do some singing (on my own lol), spend time with my family, learn about things that interest me.

Anyway. Hope you’re doing okay and taking care of yourself, and you can find ways to make life easier, whatever those ways are. 

I understand about the streaming service thing. My family usually just watch cheap second hand DVDs (charity shop sells 20 DVDs for £1!), and occasionally use the cheaper version of Netflix (with ads). I use Internet Archive (archive.org) for books and films (manly older, lesser known films), it’s free, so that’s a good option. 

And totally, get away from Instagram & TikTok! If you think you’d be happier without it, drop it! People online can be really nasty. I quit looking at Reddit, & basically all comments, last year after I suffered a deep depression (due to peoples’ extremely nasty comments toward a part of lgbt that I identify with) Doing a lot better now. 

IDK, and it’s not my business, but hope something works for you. The best people, the ones worth knowing, are those who appreciate character and kindness over consumerist beauty ideals (I say consumerist cause it’s in my belief that we’re pretty well brainwashed to think “perfect looking” people look good; a way of getting people to keep buying makeup they don’t need and the latest fashions)

Ahh, hope this isn’t too much, I write fast and am only basing this all off a couple posts I saw you made, so I’m real sorry if it’s too much! I’ve got a ton of spare time today so I’m just rambling. 

I can’t be coming back to online socialising like I used to, as it took up so much of my limited spare time last year, so this is a rarity, just to say hello. Hugs 🫂 

💝anon

i literally cried seeing it was you— i was noshing on a gyro, crying alone in the kitchen. I have hereditary depression, so it won't get better. It'll always be there. It's just worse than normal lately. Hoping it'll calm down, I wrote and edited some of my book today.

This is like writing a lovely old pen pal, ah, it's nearly therapeutic. I think of you often. I'm nearing tears as i write this because something about talking to you has felt so homeward bound. I love archive, that's how I watched the clash movie, Rude Boy! I have some unread books I wish to finish, one is kafka and the other is khalil gibran. You should see the khalil gibran book, it has such an ornate cover.

I adopted a cat since we've last spoken, she was beside my neighbours house during a storm. I had been taking out my dog and heard her meowing. When i approached her, she immediately came to me. Oh, her name is Laila, she's a tortoise shell.

I definitely have to agree, we are brainwashed constantly to see aging as a sign of lost beauty. Similarly, we are taught that our bodies are never enough because whatever the trend is— it isn't for a girl with an hourglass body. I told my mother the other night, through lots of tears i have never truly loved myself. I mean, around puberty is when confidence develops, at least in my opinion. I got bullied for my body developing into what it now is. So, you can imagine what eating disorder shit i go through because of it. Only fueled by my mother also having a fucked up perception of body-image as well. I am trying my best to understand that my value is an independent variable from the weight on a scale.

Please send me all the writing you wish to, I remember loving your writing. I started publishing my book, but it's completely different. I had to change everything; it was going nowhere. I couldn't get a plot to stitch together. I was nearly at the point of deleting it. Then, out of the blue, I woke up after some dream and was like— "what if I used tamino as a faceclaim? What if x, y, z?". Soooo, i ended up experimenting with it and i actually followed through on replacing nick (i want to implement him in the new book tbh, i miss him). Ah, i hope you find the time to read the chapters I have published... that is if you want to read them, truly there is no pressure there. Again though; please send me your work.

[1d1195]

Bestie I had to search my email for the answer to the personality quiz because i took it YEARS ago lol The email said INFJ-T but then I decided to take it again because I think i have changed a bit since then lol The one I took today, i got INFP-T which is the "mediator". I think in some ways most teachers having an extroverted personality makes sense in my head lol In my head it also makes sense that might would be an ambivert but then again idk lol And i Use to LOVE those buzzfeed quizzes! I have a vivid memory of taking those quizzes with friends on the school bus ride back home in middle school lol

Your bf may have a point bc it's pretty common that when parents want to be "friends" instead of "parents" with their kids it mainly stems from other issues which then their kids are exposed to that. BUT I AM IN NO WAY DISSING YOUR MOM! literally being a parent is hard and that's just a generalization and very simplified version from what i've studied!

It's okay! I dont think any less of you or anything negative like that! Some people just don't get too much exposure with other cultures and that's okay as long as you are respectful, questions are always good to ask! Especially with Latinx/Hispanic cultures, they often get clumped together but there's a lot of diversity within those too! Ngl i BAWLED my eyes out Coco when it came out and I saw it in theaters with my parents and they cried too lol But its a yearly rewatch just to cry lol especially since my family actually celebrates the day of the dead it's in some ways therapeutic lol and I've never seen Encanto but i have seen clips and generational trauma is REAL so i understand how people found it so appealing, plus the songs were catchy lol And don't worry about unloading! At least for me, if it got too much I would tell you and I feel comfortable to do so because I know you wouldn't do anything with negative intention!

i will be SAT when you get to TA Harry! my TA is just SO AHHH like idk something about his vibe is something! Like he exudes confidence but not in a way where he's a jerk! plus bestie... HE HAS A SLEEVE OF TATTOOS! he wore a short sleeve today and ugh😵‍💫 I was going crazy in my head! i HIGHLY recommend going to a drag show! i love the drag scene! I think you would probably enjoy a nice drag brunch since those are mainly not in clubs or late at night lol But i do get not wanting to do too much when it's not needed lol like I DONT BLAME YOU!

BAHAH A COUPON! i kind of love thinking of it like that now! And my week is going okay! I went to the bookstore on campus today and got one of those "blind date" with a book so that was fun! I hope your week is going good!! ILY SO MUCH!! thank you for always taking the time to read my messages and responding 😭-💜

I so had a feeling we'd be similar!!! INFJ/INFP either way. I know there's a distinction but four out of five is pretty normal.

No my mom is def one of my best friends and that comes with good and bad. My mom relies heavily on me emotionally and kind of physically. My dad's in rough shape and my sister is also one of my bff's but she's useless when it comes to family stuff. Do you have siblings? I think you said you were an eldest daughter (but I totally could have made that up).

Okay long-winded thing that I talked about with my sister the other day, here we go: I saw this thing that said "you're only remembered for three generations." I thought that was so devastating and tragic because I hardly know my great-grandparents and I know NOTHING about anyone before them. I think I said to my sister word-for-word: "ya know, Day of the Dead is where it's at. That's how you're remembered that is the nicest, sweetest way to remember your family, your heritage." Like I'm really into my ancestry and I want to know more (but there's really not much about us--bunch of European peasants more than likely HAHAHAHAHA). But part of me wants to write an autobiography (it would probs be the MOST boring biography in the history of the world). It just seems sad to me that after a few generations I'll be forgotten, through no one's fault or anything. It's not like I'll be a famous politician or celebrity or a composer. It's just so wild. Anyway, all of this to say I think Day of the Dead is SO nice and cool (also it kicks of my b-day month) But I would love to learn more about your culture if you'd like to share! 💕

A SLEEVE OF TATTOOS OKAY SAY LESS 😍🤤 I'd melt. TA-Harry is writing itself! I have a thing about forearms--not like in a WEIRD way just like okay what was the reason for someone's forearm to look sexy? Like how does that work. There might just be something wrong with my brain.

OMG I've never tried a blind-date with a book! I love it! That sounds like so much fun! Let me know how you like!

LOVE YOU!

xoxo

[704goomy]

sunday, 11 june 2023

Hi, it's me again!! i'm the king of consistency...

For real though.... Maybe this is the day i can turn my life around, somewhat. If i could really stick my mind to it.

Today I woke up pretty early, early enough to do a 1 hour walk around the neighborhood (impressive for me who's lived a sedentary lifestyle for almost 5 years now). I just started back on my diet yesterday, so I think if i can keep up this, the exercise and the diet, that's kind of a leg up (real) from my usual state... (I also have ringfit adventure collecting dust because at the time, I had been obsessed with splatoon. currently i'm not anymore so yknow, maybe this is the right time to replace my gaming addiction. i've just forced myself into recovery from corekeeper)

But anyway on to the thing that made me come back here in the first place.

Somehow between the 2(is it 2?) years since I left this blog to mold, 2 miracles happened.

I got a girlfriend, long distance. Haven't met her yet. She's so cute tho. I love her. I was someone who believed myself to be aromantic, and it's the first time love happened to me. It's wonderful. It's great, even tho my life and future is all weird and I fantasize about disappearing from my parents' general conscience so I can have the life I want with her. It's the first time heartbreak happened to me too, because I discovered recently she has some form of depression (an assumption bc she says its not rly, but I kinda feel like it's something similar), and it hurt that much to know that I can't do anything to help someone I love. God. It was terrible. Like, when I was thinking about it, it hurt physically. But that's why I'm here lol, bc I realize I can't count on her to be an outlet for my entire existence while she's in such a fragile state. I really hope she feels better.

Yuutsumu. It's a ship. It's a ship that I ship like never before. What makes it so special is: its an oc ship which is pretty unprecedented in Snuby history. It's me and my girlfriends' and I think the way it happened is as magical as the actual relationship. There's so much I want to say about it, they're always in my head and I'm always thinking of what more to do with them. It might need a separate post. It might need books, novels, doujin, a game...

I think this writing thing must be relaxing because even tho I'm still kinda crying I already forgot what I was doing here lol. But yea, it's therapeutic. Up until my early uni days, I kept a diary and I think I just really liked writing in it.

But anyway, I was thinking maybe this should be a daily log of what I did during the day, what I plan to do, and how I'm feeling.

This morning I found out I was zoning out last night and threw out a caesar salad that I was looking forward to having :( Mom got me sate padang tho. So i ate that with a banana protein shake. I'm still drinking the shake. These things are kinda hefty.

But anyway. Maybe midday or evening ringfit sesh? I'm thinking I should get about 2 hours of exercise every day, so one in the morning one later. I don't know what I'll have for lunch yet, but I really want carbonara ramyun lmao. so it'll be that, and veggies in the evening.

As for my gf, I want to keep talking to her as normal and as unconditionally as I can. I hope that it can be a reminder that I still love her and think about her and I won't stop ,...

To a kinder and better world tomorrow, cheers <3

[power-chords]

Post-trip round-up, integration, thoughts (cut for length & some Heavy Shit)

WOW I needed that and I am so glad I realized I needed that. It has been well over ten years since I last took LSD, and my reluctance to indulge in psychedelics again was rooted in a long and complicated history that I don't really need to hash out here, but doing a mild dose of mushrooms last weekend gave me the confidence and conviction that I was ready.

Would it have been wiser to take a less bonkers dose for the first time in a decade plus? Probably! Do I regret a single moment of it? Not a whit! It's tough to overstate just how powerful, therapeutic, and restorative a good acid trip is, even an occasionally intense, uncomfortable one. I do not recommend eating multiple tabs of extremely good blotter on your first rodeo, but Adam's even more of a veteran psychonaut than I am, so I was 1000% well cared for, totally safe, and in a comfortable, familiar environment. In that setting, and in a positive frame of mind, acid is not going to throw anything at you that you are not equipped to handle. I would love to make this an annual or biannual thing.

The cool, funny, wacky delightful stuff:

Put it under my tongue at 10 AM-ish. Went to go listen to some music and doodle until it kicked in. I forgot that the come-up is like, do not make any fucking plans involving hand-eye coordination LMAO. I was trying to doodle Bowery Ballroom in an old sketchbook, and that devolved quickly. The markers were old so some of the caps were really stuck on there, and I wound up devolving into fits of laughter from the absurdity of pulling the caps off with my teeth.

Ink stains on my hands started writhing and trailing and were very cool. That was the first thing I noticed. I got very sad that I stopped drawing and making art, which was something I did all my life and almost went to school for but stopped doing as an adult. And then I realized I could start drawing again any time if I wanted to, and I didn't have to be GOOD at it or a proper artist for it to be worthwhile and fun. Felt immediately happy again.

Adam decided to watch Lethal Weapon???? I was like, Don't Like That. Even though he had headphones on and I couldn't hear anything. I am ambivalent about screens at best when I'm tripping, and at worst I don't even want to be in the same room with them. Guns and violence seemed comically, brutally stupid. Turned my back to the TV and continued drawing and writing until I could no longer hold a pen. Eventually Adam got on my wavelength and was like yeah, this is too much! (He took like, twice the dose that I did. I have no idea how he was even able to talk to me, but he managed!)

Felt the need to message Liana while peaking, picked up my phone, and saw that she had already sent me this:

I thought that was HILARIOUS (tbh it actually was, and it was not just the acid talking)

For the first few hours of teeth-grinding, reality-shearing intensity, Adam and I mostly lounged in bed with the shades pulled all the way up and the window open, cuddling and petting Ernie. Fantastic bonding experience for the whole fam.

Looking at every surface in the apartment became like looking at a stained glass ceiling, or an infinite mandala, or the muddied rainbows in oil-slicked puddles. It looked like Ernie's fur was breathing and someone had colored all over the white parts of him with a highlighter. Adam agreed with this assessment. Formica on the kitchen counters was bananas. So were the trees outside, rippling like celluloid and brighter green than I had ever seen them.

The two of us spent a good 15 minutes doubled over with laughter because Adam suggested a contraption for funneling Fancy Feast directly into Ernie's mouth, kind of like shotgunning a beer

Adam: "I can't believe I used to to this and get on the subway and try to do things with people." Me: "What? How did you even figure out how to get from Point A to Point B?" Adam: "I mean, we didn't, really. We usually got lost. It was fine, though." Truly, it's about the friends you make along the way!

The second half of the trip, when things are starting to mellow out a bit, is when you become a real rock star. I went outside for a walk around the neighborhood, and to sit in the park with my headphones on while watching kids play on the playground, and it was ECSTATIC. I was just overjoyed. My face still hurts from smiling.

Forgot that I needed money to realize my goal of obtaining a popsicle, so I had to detour back into the apartment and explain all of this to my husband before resuming the popsicle quest. He thought it was very funny, but sympathized.

Fresh air, popsicles and San Pellegrino on acid. On another level! 100/10.

Bathrooms still universally suck, LOL. -10/10. Not a fan of that bathroom while tripping face! Every time I had to pee it was like WELL here we go again into the Pink Squirming Hell Chamber (I am making this sound like more of a big deal than it actually was)

15 HOURS. 15 HOURS Jesus Christ lmao I did not stop seeing weird shit on screens and surfaces until like 1 AM. And even then, if I stared long enough, funky colors and patterns would re-emerge. It's a commitment. I feel happy and refreshed, but also totally exhausted. Definitely have to budget a full weekend of No Plans for any future trips.

The Heavy Shit:

There is some Cronenberg-level body horror right before the visuals get super rainbow-stained and stereotypically psychedelic, which sounds bad, but I promise it isn't. It's watching the veins pulse under your skin and change into very saturated colors, pores and hair and scars become very defined and wiggly, and as someone who has so much bodily anxiety related to my alopecia/IBS, it was weirdly... freeing? You get to experience all this stuff in an entirely new frame of mind, shedding judgment and old thought ruts. I remember thinking, "I do not need to feel shame about my body," and letting go of so much baggage.

At some point mid-afternoon I decided to retrieve my phone from the drawer again, and saw that I had a missed call and a voicemail from my dad. I decided to play it back, and he was just phoning to tell me that he was listening to a live version of "Sally Simpson" and Keith was doing this thing where he wasn't even touching the cymbals, and had I listened to that specific performance before and noticed the same thing, and wasn't he truly the greatest drummer that ever lived? "Anyway, no need to call me back, just wanted to let you know. I love my bubbie!" (His term of endearment for me.) And I went to go sit in bed and weep for a straight 15 minutes, the most cleansing, purging cry you could possibly imagine, while Adam hugged me and rubbed my back. I was overwhelmed, overcome by this feeling of cosmic Love and Connection with my family and my husband and all of my friends.

I had been sitting on and burying so much fear and distress from the past 18 months, the chronic, low-grade trauma that was worrying if COVID was going to kill my father, my best friend and closest confidante and the one person on earth who I feel truly Gets Me on a spiritual level, and all of that came out. Fully processed and released every ounce of grief. What replaced it was the absolute, unshakable faith that no matter what happens — including my greatest fear, which is inevitable, no matter how far off it may be — he will always be with me, and a part of me, in the music we both love, and I will never, ever lose that.

[to-the-moon-and-never-back00]

Let me tell you something about the moon

What am I afraid of? Is it really the darkness? or is it because we don't know what's inside the dark? It's the latter. The fear of not knowing what is in the dark. It's the fear of emptiness and uncertainty.

I am in the dark. I can't see what's ahead of me and the emptiness is drowning me. Every fear that I have is right before my eyes. It's too much. I'm barely living, but I'm trying.

I realized that I've been in here for the longest time in my life. At one point, I manage to escape but it didn't last long. Free trial lang kung baga, 'cuz the brightest part of the world doesnt belong to me. In other words, I really don't deserve good things in life lol. Binalik ulit ako kung saan ako nararapat. I learned to accept it. I'm so tired of trying to find my escape. I just wish for it to end. When will it end?

Ang sakit sakit na mabuhay dito sa mundo. Why do we have to feel pain? I just wish to have better chance in life. Maybe- just maybe, things will be different.

At this point, hindi ko na kilala yung totoong ako. I'm living for the sake of other people-for my family. When will I have the chance to live for myself. I never had this kind of priviledge.

Earlier this day, I watched 'Hello Love, Goodbye'. The movie came out last 2019 pero ngayon ko lang siya napanuod hehe. I found myself in the same situation as Joy. I can't even put it into words. If you already saw the movie, malalaman mo kung pano naging ako si Joy. Pero siya kasi nagawa niyang i-pursue yung pangarap niya. Ako? Kailan kaya?

Kasi hindi ko kayang piliin yung sarili ko. Yes. I have a choice. Pwedeng pwede ko piliin sarili ko but that will cost us everything. Saakin sila umaasa, I don't want to disappoint them. I need to be strong for them. Ang sakit sakit saakin pero ito yung kapalaran ko eh. I was programmed for this kind of life. Alam ko na ganito yung magiging ending ko matagal na.

Masyado lang talaga akong naghangad ng masayang buhay. Pwede pa rin naman akong maging masaya ng ganito eh. I just thought na baka may iba pang paraan para makaalis ako sa sitwasyon ko. Pero mahirap mabuhay sa panaginip, gigisingin ka ng realidad ng buhay. If I will choose myself, EVERYTHING will fall apart and I can't afford to do that. I can't risk it.

I'm miserable but I will still try to live a happy life. Sana dumating na yung time na hindi na ako mahihirapan na piliin yung sarili ko. I'm so used of choosing others over me. I don't think I could ever do anything for myself without feeling guilty.

Am I too harsh on myself? Siguro kasi gusto kong magalit sa mundo dahil sa sitwasyon ko ngayon pero nagagalit ako sa sarili. I'm trying to punish myself as if I not living in hell ever since lol. My whole life is a whole ass drama plot. Maybe I could try to write my story and try to sell it para may kwenta naman yung buhay ko lol.

Everyday is a struggle. I cry myself to sleep. I tried so hard to be happy. I'm actually a cheerful person kung wala akong mental issues. A lot of things could make me smile: like the moon and the stars in the sky, like food; food makes me happy hahaha, like the smell of books, like the flowers that blooms randomly on the ground and etc. I don't know why I'm very fond of wildflowers. Like flowers that randomly grow anywhere (favorite flower is a daisy 🌼). Some will call it weed or unwanted plants/flowers, common flower or fillers sa mga boquet, pero yun yung mga gusto kong bulaklak. Yung tingin ng iba ay walang kwenta. Kasi theres so much to see in this world. You can always have a reason to be happy, you need to look for it and appreciate. Pero kasi bakit ganito ako ih. Bakit ako nalulugmok sa kalungkutan? Bakit nahihirapan parin akong maging masaya?

I'm too depressed to even talk to anyone. I'm too scared na mapagod silang intindihin yung mga kadramahan ko. Kasi paulit ulit lang naman eh, araw araw ganun walang bago. Ako nga pagod na sa sarili ko, sila pa kaya? I'm scared that one day they will leave. Kaya ba iniiwasan ko silang lahat ngayon? Maybe? Di ko rin maintindihan sarili ko. I know marami akong kaibigan na iintindi saakin at naappreciate ko silang lahat. Natatakot parin akong di nila ako maintindihan at magsawa silang intindihin ako. Kaya most of them will not ask or check on me kasi ang alam nila na I will reach out pag ready na akong magopen up. But often times, I try to keep everything to myself to the point where I will miss the chance to talk about what I really feel.

Most of the time I just need someone who will listen sa mga rant ko. Kahit minsan walang kwenta yung mga sinasabi ko. Kahit wala ka ng advice or comment. I just want to be heard. I want to be seen.

I don't know how to handle myself anymore, tbh. One moment I will try to distract myself by doing some workouts etc and then bigla akong hihinto midway kasi I suddenly felt like crying. And I have to get through the day with a heavy heart.

I will stay where I am, for now. I hope and I pray to have the chance I deserve. A better chance in life, perhaps.

Because life is a battlefield, you need to learn how to wield a sword. You have to fight for your life and face everything that is coming your way. Hindi maiiwasan yung casualty, you could fall but you need to learn how to stand again para ituloy yung laban. The goal is to make it out alive. So, we need to have courage to live. The prize will be worth it in the end.

I know I can't do this alone. I'm sorry if there would be ocassions where I'm hard headed and not easy to be understood. Sorry if I ever try to push everyone away cause I feel like I will not do you any good. I tend to overthink a lot kaya I'm sorry for some unecessary thoughts or shits that I may have said that doesnt makes sense at all. I'm sorry if there are times na ang sakit kong magsalita at maattitude ako, sometimes its trauma response to protect myself from getting hurt.

Ikaw na nakakabasa nito. Yes, you!! I love you. Thank you for staying in my life kahit magulo ako most of the time and I know I have toxic traits rin. Thank you sa walang sawang pag intindi. Thank you for being patient with me. It's rare to have someone like you and I thank God every single day. I sent this to you kasi I trust you with every bits of my soul. Ipagkakatiwala ko sayo even the darkest part of my mind.

You would probably think na baliw na ako hahaha I was crying while typing the first half of my post and then afterwards I found my 'strong self' again. Very therapeutic talaga itong ginagawa ko hahaha.

Also, I found out that my name "Laila" originated from an Arabic/Hebrew word which means 'night/dark' it could mean 'beauty in the dark', 'daughter of the night', 'dark hair beauty'.

Amazing right? Maybe I'm really destined to be in the dark lol. Coincidence lang talaga yung pangalan ko huhu. Di nga alam ni mama kung ano ibig sabihin ng pangalan ko eh hhhh. Maybe I'm really the daughter of the night kasi I love to associate myself with the moon or the stars. I always fall inlove with the nightscape or nightskh. It's the only time of the day where the stars will shine and the moon will be seen. Bagay na bagay saakin yung pangalan ko.

Anyways, thanks for reading. You made it this far sa post ko so, thank you for your time and effort.

Hope you have a great day and stay safe.

Your dramatic Leo girl who has anxiety issues,

Laila

I'm cute or whateva