#man i wish there was a consistent agreed on tag i truly cannot tag all the permeations

[natcat5]

I love you goofy looking aarakocra, dragonborn and tabaxi. I love you hiring bridgerton guy just to be hot and untouchable and having his first major scene staged so that one tiddy is always artfully exposed. I love you well choreographed fight scenes and a beautifully chaotic representation of six seconds of combat. I love you compelling plot point of attunement requiring a successful role with your spellcasting modifier. I love you solving puzzles by shoving round p(ainting)egs into square holes. I love you forcing Justice Smith to do a British accent for no reason. I love you level 20 NPCs who can’t help the party against the big bad for ambiguous reasons. I love you bigby’s hand slap fights. I love you Nat 20s on potato attacks. I love you owlbears, mimics and gelatinous cubes. I love you dragons, I love you dungeons. I love you dnd movies that love dnd.

[perriwinklesblog]

I know some people prefer consistent content but I like to take it as it comes and sometimes life happens and other projects need to take priority. 

So right now, I consider this to be a mid season break. Techno going into the prison was like the midseason finale for the Dream Prison Arc and Wilbur and Ranboo’s stuff was like their midseason finale and the Red Banquet where the egg was contained, was a midseason finale and alllllllll the mini episodes we’ve had since there are like specials etc. 

You know, like how in Dr Who you can go a few years without a solid season but get a special at Christmas and New Year? You know like that. 

So like all other programs, stories, videos I watch, I am coming up with ways in which the next bit could go. Some are a bit out there and definitely not happening, others I could see happening. 

This is long and pointless and full or errors both grammatically and spelling wise but I had fun thinking of what could happen next. Read if you want.

Dream escapes prison with Technoblades help. A server wide man hunt comes for Dream but unlike his videos he had stolen the spare armour in the prison and so is pretty OP making it easier for him to put distance between his enemies and himself. 

Technoblade returns to the artic and him, Phil and Will come to an in pass, a slight disagreement. Philza whilst having sided with Dream before, knows he’s not a good guy. Only used him to help destroy lmanburg for his own morals. It was not because he agreed with Dream. In his eyes, he was using Dream for his own goals. Plus, now he’s seen the aftermath of Dream’s terror on the citizens he realises the man perhaps shouldn’t be set to run entirely free. This slightly goes against Techno’s beliefs but the main issue of tension between them is Technoblade willingly placing himself in danger when he didn’t need too and helping release the man who tortured Tommy and clearly has something going on with Ranboo thats bad. 

Wilbur is angry because Techno won’t say where Dream has gone due to an agreement between the two and Technoblade is a man of his word. Wilbur wishes to thank and meet the man who saved him. This also worries Philza because he’s worried he’ll revert back to the man he saw the day he blew up L’Manburg. Over all tension between the three

Niki and Wilbur finally meet and it is as heartbreaking as it is beautifully tragic. Wilbur apologises but misses the mark, misses what hurt her which hurts her more. There’s an explosion with their argument that leaves a stunned silence. Niki asks Wilbur to leave. He does so. 

This leads to a Wilbur and Ranboo conversation where Ranboo tries to reason with Wilbur about Niki’s side. Wilbur brushes it off because much like the blue counterpart we all miss, he’s not a fan of the negative emotion. He tries to focus on the business etc and let’s slip that Dream has escaped somehow. Ranboo leaves. Wilbur is confused but distracted by a confrontation with Quackity.

Ranboo then starts his stream and he’s in the fucking panic room and he’s panicking because there are signs so many signs and they don’t make sense. Theres lesson rules, asking about the missing journal and it’s like every issue he’s ever faced is staring right back at him because Ranboo has never really resolved any issue, just pushed and moved on. He’s tried but that usually failed and for a while he’s ignored all the issues and here they are in front of him, all at one. A big volcanic eruption of anxiety and stress, and it ain’t sitting with him. 

Dream appears. But is it really him? We never know because after a conflict and a back and fourth about everyone in Ranboo’s life eventually landing on a threat about Michael and Tubbo, he blacks out and the stream ends. 

Quackity is livid with everything thats happening, the careful empire he’s building is falling apart and he’s shifting the blame around from person to person. He manipulates everyone around them into believing this is somehow their own fault and that they must make it up to him because he has been nothing but kind and loving to them. He gave them a place, a roof on their head when they had nothing. He misses out the parts where he insulted and or destroyed their homes, but it works and his employee “family” become the main bounty hunters for Dream, with Bad and Ant tagging along since they’re guards. 

Now the streams relating to the manhunt displays everyones wants. They’re all doing this wanting something, and whilst it’s to gain Quackity’s favour back they’re all doing that for different reasons. Their motivations are somewhat different even if on the surface they are the same and so on the man hunts, because there will be many, this is slowly picked apart and through that the manipulation of Quackity is revealed and then we see a parrallel between Quackity and previous people in power where they start to get desperate to keep control over the thing they’ve created. Because that’s been one of (not the only) issues with every leader on the server, the control and their feeling of lack of, even if thats not truly the case. But you get these moments between all the characters where they’re trying to outwit one another, trying to figure it out without blatantly saying it. Maybe Foolish does. He’s a bit of a himbo. 

Ponk always said he’d leave the door open for Sam and I truly think something happens, whether it be a look in the mirror with one of his guards going too far with someone or a conversation with Quackity where Quackity holds the mirror up to Sam maliciously, that causes him to hit the rock bottom and just break and I want that breakdown in front of Ponk. And I want Ponk not necessarily to give him the second chance off the bat but give him that peace offering, give him that hand to pull him up. I want him to take Sam to Niki and explain to Niki we’ve done bad things in the past, this is a safe haven and I believe Sam needs help and a place he can truly feel safe and for a moment Sam does and this begins his raid to redemption in gaining back the trust of the people in his lives. He becomes Tubbo 2.0 spying on Quackity like Tubbo did for Wilbur, but maybe less... bad.

But what of the Fiances? Wellllll,. With Dream escaping him and George meet in secret. George confesses he doesn’t believe it’s real and for a long time has been struggling with reality. He misses the early days, misses when they’d just have fun. Dream says he was having fun and George says I wasn’t. Dream shows true regret for George but says its too late now, can’t change the past. George agrees. Dream asks him what he’s going to do and he simply replies with “Sleep” Ending stream. 

Sapanps stream is a lot more WE ARE GOING ON A DREAM HUNT WE’RE GOING TO CATCH A BIG ONE, I’M NOT SCARED. vibes. He’s gearing up, he’s suiting up and he’s saluting pets on the way. He made a promise and with everything else going on in his life, he’s ready to throw himself into a distraction. He tries to convince George to help him but he waves him off saying, what’s the point? and mumbles something about divine powers and dreams which Sapnap just shakes off. He tries to find Karl in Kinoko but instead comes across Quackity. They have a blow up about how They abandoned each other, both did wrong but neither see the other side of things and eventually he tells him to leave. Quackity says okay, and the place blows up. Foolish cries in the corner. All that heard work but the boss said so. Sapnap ends the whole thing saying at least he’s there for Karl and Quackity pauses and is like why? And Sapnap is all like you care. Just go, you’ve done enough damage, I can’t have you damaging him too. And after a little more but but but between the two, Quackity goes. Sapnap leaves the place to burn, going to find Dream and hopefully Karl on the way. 

Karls in space. That’s where his latest travels have taken him and where the other side decided was his time to visit. Here I see a Wizard in Oz scenario where solutions to some issues will be revealed for Karl in relation to the other side. When it comes to his Dream SMP stuff, he starts confusing names and people more and Sapnap is worried about him, considering keeping him in a safe place. The only place that survived was the library with Karls books. Karl says he’ll stay there. Thats where the answers are anyway. Sapnap is unsure and gets bad vibes but is distracted by a lead on Dream and agrees, he tells him he’ll be back soon. 

They don’t see each other for a long ass time 

I’m not sure on the egg stuff but I do feel Niki and Puffy should have a conversation about all the shit thats happened and Puffy trying to help Niki and vice versa. I feel like Puffy should reach out to Foolish and try and comprehend what the fuck is he doing with Quackity. They have a little argument but it comes to a point where Puffy realises she cannot shield Foolish from harm and that her son ,just make his own decisions. All she can do is guide him where she can and hope that when it comes down to it he will make the right choice. She hopes she didn’t fail this dependant like she did with Dream her duckling. Though only she sees it as failure. 

Jack and Niki finally talk. She goes searching for some things and comes to his new place, he tells her to fuck off and that he doesn’t need anyone. They all abandon him. Niki pretty much does the verbal equivalent of slap some sense into him as she and him discuss how he is not the centre of everything, how he is not the sun. She was hurting, and he didn’t bother, no instead they just fed off each others anger and once he couldn’t feed of her or anyone else he isolated himself. She tries to convince him there are better things in life, there are better ways to place your energy etc. A lot of healing talk with Jack being stubborn. Eventually Jack finds himself at the door of Quackity after sticking to stubbornness, not quite ready to heal and he becomes the next member of Las Nevadas. A big blow to Wilbur too. 

They finally destroy the egg with magic. I dunno how but either destroy or hatch. Either or would be great. Red comes out the thing and I want a gay ass villain please. Bring it Red. Let’s go. Invite him to the server, bring the fire, bring the plant power Red. He can be the villain that unites everyone in a begrudging way. Like they all hate each other but fine i guess we’ll team to stop Red and Ant. 

Skeppy’s dead. 

Tubbo and Ranboo have a fight but Ranboo says “Weren’t we enough?” and it’s in relation to him and Michael (this happens before panic room). Thats when Tubbo realises where the wires got crossed and he immediately rectifies it but explaining he’s happy with the two of them but he wanted a job, something to work towards. Family wise he’s got it all, he’s content with it all but he wanted a project and one that didn’t incite violence. Fun rivalry sure, but he’s done with violence, he’s doesn’t want to add to the nightmares he already has. He wants competition but not one that will put all he loves in danger. So they talk it out and Ranboo feels more confident and Tubbo asks him to tell him if he ever takes anything too far because he can get a little carried away sometimes. Ranboo agrees and then they have a cute playdate with Michael. Then Ranboo does the thing with Wilbur and ends up in panic room.

Tommy and Tubbo discuss everything and lay it all out on the table because Tommy doesn’t want to be on the other side again with Tubbo. Tubbo doesn’t understand why everyone is making such a big deal about his burger business and Tommy tries to explain the issues with Quackity and the level of intensity he’s seen with Wilbur but Tubbo just laughs it off. They eventually talk about Ranboo and Tommy relents saying he likes Ranboo although he does sometimes get jealous of how Tubbo seems to have it all. Tubbo tells Tommy of his nightmares and so does Tommy to Tubbo. They come to an understanding with each other and understand that no matter how long they go apart, there is always a space shaped to fit them perfectly in their lives for them. Tubbo and Tommy then go play some pranks. 

Wilbur is unhappy with the pranks and gives a lecture and they get into a fight. This leads to Wilbur talking man to man to Quackity. Theres some weird sexual tension. Once again they’re trying to outwit one another. That when we get to the crazy stuff. 

And here’s where I get crazy with my stuff. 

Ponk is digging in his lil cave when he accidentally breaks through to a random room buried deep underground. Tommy’s there trying to scam him out of something he has. Tubbo and Ranboo too. When they get to this room Ranboo thinking it’s the panic one and freaks out, but the others calm him down. Ponk thinking theres diamonds in the room storms ahead setting off some traps but surviving. Tubbo opens one of the chests and just says theres a bucket in there. Ponk pulls it out and says it has a named fish in it. 

You see where I’m going. 

They empty the bucket whilst asking what the fish is called. They are interrupted by a voice. It’s Sally. 

Dream had captured her and bound her to a bucket and put her in the chest and hid her from Wilbur. 

She has been released. She freaks out over how much time has past because for her nothing has changed at all. She thought it might have been a couple of hours or something since Dream pulled that prank on her but clearly not. 

They all catch up and the season ends with Sally and Wilbur meeting in front of Quackity, Dream in the shadows and Sally and Wilbur turning to see Fundy who just freaks the fuck out. 

Oh and just a side, Callahan is the last member of the syndicate and God of the server and is having fun playing with the mortals. 

And then I have the next season planned out and how I’d end the whole thing but like until then. This is it. Mid Season to finale. How I picture things happening. 

None of this will happen but isn’t it fun to imagine? 

[panharmonium]

I would like to add Gwaine to the list of friends Merlin had. Especially in the 3/4 seasons he really was ride or die for Merlin, they shared intimate details with each other, they truly trusted each other. There were instances where the show alluded that Gwaine knows about Merlin's magic and is fine with it.

hi there!  i’m assuming this is in response to the post i reblogged about will and lancelot being merlin’s only “real” friends?  

i’m actually happy to write about this, now that the question has been posed - it’s been a while since i wrote anything long about gwaine!

fair warning in advance: i don’t personally classify gwaine the same way i do will and lancelot, and that’s what this piece will cover in more detail, but these are just my own thoughts, and it is totally cool for everybody else to have different opinions.  my take is my take, but it does not have to be everyone’s take - if people wanna scroll past because this isn’t their vibe, i don’t mind in the slightest. :)

so, without further ado - i LOVE gwaine, and i have written extensively about how amazing his relationship with merlin is (some examples here, here, here, and here, if anybody’s looking).  he is the most likely of all merlin’s living friends to ditch arthur in the name of addressing merlin’s needs, which is super important, and he also has a much healthier friendship with merlin than arthur does (in my own personal opinion, of course, which nobody is obligated to share).  he definitely does go ride or die for merlin in S3/S4, i agree.

but my own thoughts on this particular point are still the same as they were in that original post.  i tend to hide my clarifications/explanations in the tags, so they might have flown by, but i’ll just copy/paste the relevant bit here for ease of access, as some background for the rest of this post.

re: will and lancelot were merlin’s only ‘real’ friends:

#what this does not mean: merlin has no other friends!  merlin doesn't have meaningful and important relationships with other people!   #what it does mean:  #every single one of merlin's other relationships is undergirded by the sickening knowledge that those friendships are conditional   #every single one of his other relationships is accompanied by the constant undercurrent of 'they would hate me if they knew'   #merlin knows his friends 'care' about him   #except they don't really; because it's not truly him they're caring about   #they care deeply - about someone merlin made up   #about a facade.   #in the most basic sense   #those relationships aren't Real   #the love merlin feels for the people in them is real   #but you cannot truly be 'friends' with somebody who doesn't even know who you are   #you cannot be loved without being known   #you certainly cannot be loved without being safe

obviously i suppose a person’s thoughts on this would be different if they headcanoned that gwaine knew about merlin’s magic, and that’s fine.  i personally do not believe canon indicates or supports that, but i’m not out to convince people to abandon their own fanon interpretations of things; i’m happy just hanging out in my own space talking about my thoughts.  me writing meta is the virtual equivalent of me talking to myself in my room - if other people have different conversations with themselves, that’s fine :)  i don’t mind if other folks organize their thoughts about things differently.  

in accordance with that - everybody please feel free to continue on with your own interpretations, and ignore mine if mine do not appeal to you!  if people are interested about how i organize my ideas on this, though, they are essentially as follows:

1) a cage fighter, a class traitor, and a fake sorcerer walk into a tavern

ok, to start with - here’s a graph.

(...who tf starts a meta post with ‘here’s a graph’ lol i just drew a venn diagram for the first time since like...middle school...i LOVE fandom, man, this is RIDICULOUS)

anyway

this is a very rough interpretation of how i think about gwaine, lancelot, and will:

to address some of these elements individually:

lancelot and will give merlin something that gwaine can’t - safety, authenticity, the comfort of being known and seen for real, a respite from constantly qualifying every friendship with ‘they would hate me if they knew’

lancelot and gwaine, likewise, give merlin something merlin wouldn’t be as likely to get from will (if will were still alive, i mean) - an understanding of merlin’s devotion to the Crown, a supportive ally in the fight to promote arthur’s reign and keep arthur/camelot safe

will and gwaine, for their part, are more likely to tell arthur to go fuck himself, if it’s important for helping merlin, and that’s a different kind of support that merlin also really needs.

and will, on his own, gives merlin something that neither lancelot NOR gwaine can provide, which is a friend who isn’t connected to or even particularly interested in arthur pendragon (merlin has nobody in his life like this, not after will dies) - somebody who knew and cared about merlin before merlin had any proximity to arthur, before this whole ’destiny’ issue reared its merciless head.

everybody in merlin’s life matters to him and gives him something important.  gwaine is STUPIDLY important to merlin.  the love there is real.  but in canon, because gwaine is not in the know, gwaine is still one of the people from whom merlin feels compelled to hide himself.  gwaine is right up there alongside gwen, arthur, elyan, percival, etc - every other person who merlin loves, who merlin nonetheless constantly, back-of-his-mind fears, ‘they would reject me if they knew.’

the above is part of why i personally have never been too interested in ‘so-and-so knows about merlin’s magic’ canon-imaginings.  there’s absolutely nothing wrong with them, and i’m sure people must have tons of fun with them - and in an AU context maybe i would have fun with them too - but as hopeful interpretations of actual canon, they don’t appeal to me.  merlin’s near-total isolation and desperate, constantly-frustrated desire for real, honest love is an inalienable aspect of his character for me, one i can’t separate from who he is and why he does the things he does and why he eventually ends up in the place where we find him towards the end of the show.  

2) i just want someone to see me for who i am

i have seen a bit of sentiment out there along the lines of ‘merlin should have told (x person) about their magic’ or ‘(x person) obviously doesn’t have a problem with sorcerers,’ but i guess i personally don’t think it’s as clear as all that, and i think me saying it is would be doing merlin a disservice.

merlin’s desire to be seen/known/accepted is literally the most base urge he has.  if he truly thought he could tell somebody safely, he would.

i think merlin knows the people in his orbit well enough to know how they feel about sorcery, at least in a general sense.  and even if they aren’t bloodthirsty bigots like uther, they aren’t exactly welcoming magic with open arms, either.  at the most basic, elementary level, merlin understands something that we don’t like to think about: none of his friends ever challenge arthur on the sorcery ban or express any dissatisfaction with the political status quo, and, even absent outright bigotry, this fact speaks loudly enough in and of itself.  merlin’s friends might not be out clamoring for sorcerers’ blood, but they aren’t criticizing a society that criminalizes sorcery, either, and they are never shown to have a problem with the way things are, even though the way things are is wrong.

The Way Things Are is, in fact, unjust.  it’s oppressive.  and allowing that state of affairs to continue, unquestioned and unchallenged, when you have access to the king’s ear and aren’t personally in danger of being persecuted, indicates that you’re okay with the injustice.  that you’re comfortable with the oppression.  that you don’t see a problem with the status quo, and that you're unbothered enough by it to let it be.

it doesn’t matter that merlin’s friends have never straight-up said ‘boy, magic sure is evil’ onscreen.  they never say that camelot’s policies are wrong, and that delivers a clear enough message on its own.

3) it is not a crime to fight for your freedom

to bring this back to gwaine specifically, since that was originally the focus of this ask -

for me, for all that i adore gwaine, and for all that i think he was, for the most part, an INCREDIBLY sound, healthy relationship for merlin, the truth is that gwaine is as much a part of this problem as everyone else.  does that mean i personally think gwaine would have summarily dumped merlin if he’d found out merlin had magic?  no.  but i don’t think it’s as uncomplicated as maybe we wish it might be, and i think merlin has every right to be as uncertain of gwaine on this issue as he does of everyone else.

for one thing, like i said before, even gwaine, who used to have fewer qualms than any of the knights about pushing back on arthur’s BS, has never said a word about camelot’s injustices, or ever acknowledged that the laws of the land are unjust to begin with.  

for another, there are specific moments that kind of make you wonder.

5.05 (’the disir’) is a good example of this - when gwaine finds osgar in the woods, the two of them have this exchange:

you are a sorcerer, a heretic, and a murderer.  

the rhetoric of this sentence frames all three of these things as equivalent entities - criminal ones.  

to pick this apart more carefully:

a) sorcerer

it’s worth noting here that we’re never told osgar has done anything worse than evading arrest for the crime of being a known sorcerer.  when leon mentions him in the council meeting, the conversation consists solely of the following:

“as you know, a few days ago our garrison in the forest of breckfire intercepted the man who goes by the name of osgar.”

“the sorcerer.”

“the same.  they were trying to apprehend him when he used his powers to escape.”

and…that’s it.  osgar’s crime, as far as we know, was simply being a sorcerer (and then, after that, attempting to escape an unjust arrest, thereby killing a knight in the process).  there’s no mention of any other activities that would have warranted his arrest in the first place, other than the possession of magic.

but magic, even on its own, IS a crime in camelot - and gwaine levels the accusation at osgar as such.

b) heretic

that’s a hell of a word to throw around, if you think sorcery is chill.

“heretic” isn’t a mild accusation.  "heretic” has vitriolic severity behind it.  people are accused of heresy when they’re perceived to be in brazen defiance of what is (in the eyes of the accuser) unquestionably right and correct.  “heretic” is like…it’s like blasphemer.  the connotation is not just that something is bad, but that it’s sinful.

for gwaine, either osgar’s association with sorcery and/or his defiance of camelot’s army makes him a heretic.  and that’s not something a person who is down with sorcery or supportive of a magic-user’s struggle for freedom would say.

c) murderer

if gwaine were cool with sorcery, we would expect him to understand that a sorcerer who resisted arrest for the crime of being a sorcerer isn’t a murderer.  

it’s like kara said in 5.11 - it is not a crime to fight for the right to be who you are.

camelot has been killing sorcerers for decades.  osgar mortally wounded a soldier (not an innocent civilian, i might note) who was trying to imprison him.  he was resisting the armed forces of an oppressive state.  that’s not murder.

somebody who understands that camelot is an oppressive regime wouldn’t think of this as murder.  they would understand that it is not a crime to protect your own life when the state has literally been trying to exterminate your people for years.  and even if osgar had been engaged in rebellious activities against the state (which as far as we know is not the case - nothing like this is ever referenced!), they would understand that people with magic have long been overdue for a righteous uprising.  

but gwaine is a little more like arthur, in this moment - he sees the “wrong” that osgar has done (in the form of sir ranulf’s death) without seeing the thousands upon thousands of wrongs that camelot visited upon the magical community first.

4) you can’t go armed into a sacred place

the rest of this episode is similar.  gwaine pays just as little heed to merlin’s warnings as the rest of the knights, when merlin admonishes them that the disir’s cave is sacred.  gwaine doesn’t relinquish his sword or take special care upon entering the cave.  in fact, he is the one who outright interrupts the disir while they’re speaking - as they’re telling arthur a series of hard truths, that he’s persecuted magic-users, “even unto slaughter;” that he’s desecrated their space: “you come here, to the most sacred of the sacred, to the very heart of the Old Religion, with weapons drawn - trampling hallowed relics - treating our sacred space like you do your kingdom - with arrogance - with conceit - with insolence - ”

and gwaine cuts them off, pushing to the front of the group and shouting at them “enough!  you speak of the king!”  and that’s when the fight starts, when mordred gets stabbed.

someone who was fully accepting of magic, or who knew anything about it at all, would not have behaved this way.  they would not have bristled at hearing how arthur’s regime unfairly persecutes the magical community.  they would have known that it was true.

5) i just want to be myself

the above is just one example, but it’s a clear enough one to illustrate what i mean.  gwaine IS an amazing friend to merlin.  he does treat merlin well.  and merlin loves him to death.  but gwaine is NOT totally chill with magic.  i’m not saying he actively hates it, but he is not, from what merlin has witnessed, entirely safe.  merlin loves him, but he can’t be himself around him.

and i do think that pains merlin terribly.  all these people who he loves so much, and every time he’s with them there’s always that whisper: ‘this is a charade.  all the love in my life is a lie.  they only like me because they don’t know me.  if they knew who i really was, this would be over.’  

and we wonder why he never tells anyone.  we tell him he ‘should’ have told gwaine, gwen, morgana, arthur, like it would have been easy, or even possible, for him to ever consider putting himself in a position where he could lose what precarious, partially make-believe connections he has.

merlin, in the later seasons, when he worries about his magic being exposed, isn’t afraid of being executed.  he’s afraid of becoming even more alone than he is now.  and he has good reason to feel that way - even people who appear to put him first aren’t fully on board with the thing that makes him who he is.  and merlin knows this.  he’s seen it.  none of his friends are out fighting for people like him at court.  some of his friends shake their heads and assure arthur “you are a good and just king” when arthur expresses concern that maybe the disir are right, maybe he has indeed transgressed.  some of merlin’s friends used to buck the system in defense of the powerless, but now they defend the regime even when the accusations levelled against it by an oppressed population are true.

merlin knows that revealing himself is a kind of risk that could very plausibly end with him utterly disowned.  every single friendship he has is subject to this justified fear, this bitter knowledge.  merlin has every reason to doubt the soundness of his relationships.

and, circling back to the thing that started all these musings - the only friends who never made him feel that way were will and lancelot.

that’s all i mean when i say that will and lancelot were merlin’s only “real” friends.  i wish there were a better word to use than that, because i really don’t mean it like…as if merlin’s relationships with other people weren’t…valid, or important, or based on true love and care.  they were.  but there’s just not a better way to express that will and lancelot were the only people who ever even knew who they were friends with, who saw merlin for exactly who he was and said “i love you still.”  they were the only ones whose friendship was something merlin didn’t have to be afraid of losing solely for existing.

i always think of morgana’s line in 2.11 - ‘i don’t want to be brave.  i just want to be myself. i don’t want to be alone anymore.’

around everyone else, merlin has to be brave.  he has to keep up the pretense, which means even when he’s surrounded by friends, he’s completely isolated.

with will and lancelot, though, he could be himself.  with will and lancelot, he wasn’t alone.

6) post-script

i really appreciate being given the opportunity to muse to myself about this in more detail - i actually needed to think through some things regarding gwaine anyway, for writing purposes, and this was actually really helpful in organizing my brain.  so thanks, anon, for the prompt!  

i know my answer probably runs counter to your own interpretation of things, but as i said, this is just my own personal outlook.  i typed it up because the message got me thinking, and because i know i have a couple of friends who might find it interesting, but my thoughts apply only to me, and i do not mind at all if folks think about these things differently!  nobody is obligated to agree with anything i write, or give it any further thought, or even read it at all - we’re all going to engage with this story in different ways, so if anybody finds that this isn’t their cup of tea, please feel free to scroll on by, and keep having fun with this show in whatever way makes you happiest! :)

[dramaqueeenamby]

4AM (5)

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Words: 2.5k

MASTERLIST --- BEFORE you read this chapter, read WATERFALLS.

4AM 

“Mama, do I have to go?”

Behati looked up from her vanity, almost doing a double take as she took in the sight of her only child. Sometimes it scared her just how much Bashira looked like her, from her beautiful light brown eyes, her full lips, and even fuller figure.

Bashari inherited almost nothing from her father. She was the spitting image of her mother.

“Of course you do, child!” She exclaimed, standing up and sauntering over to her daughter. “You must be there when Zuri announces that Bast has chosen you.”

Bashari rolled her eyes. “Mama, you cannot seriously believe that it is I who the prophecy speaks of. Prince T’Challa loves Nakia.”

“Oh please,” she rolled her eyes and pulled down the front of Bashira’s dress to expose more of her cleavage. “He loves how easy it is for him to sneak between her legs.”

“Mama!”

“Did you know that girl gave herself away to him when she was but fifteen?” Behati gossiped, licking her thumb and laying down Bashira’s baby hair. “Fifteen. For Bast sake, when you were fifteen, you never even thought of such illicit activities.”

Bashira said nothing, maintaining her stale expression. If only her mother knew that she had her first experience of oral sex when she was fifteen.

Behati would take a whip to her backside.

“How could Bast not have picked you? Look at you, child. You are the embodiment of beauty and grace. Men stumble at your feet for just a second of your time while women watch from afar with envy. Jealousy eats at them for you are the woman who could steal away their lovers with just a look and snap of her finger.”

“Mama, you act as though I am Bast herself.” Bashira was irritated. Truly. She’d spent her whole life being praised on her looks.

Bashira is so beautiful.

Bashira is a vision.

Bashira is a goddess among men.

It was exhausting, being exalted over something as trivial and temporary as looks. No one cared that she was always the smartest student in her class or that she was told that she’d make an excellent War Dog one day if only her mother would have let her start training.

Sometimes she wondered if her mother’s days and experiences as a War Dog had anything to do with her trepidation about Bashira following in her footsteps.

Behati never got excited when Bashira was honored for scholastic and merit achievements. None of her accolades were hung on the Wall of Honor like Nakia’s.

Bashira’s saving grace, at times, was truly her father.

Akili tried to treat both of his children with the same amount of respect and admiration, doting on both of the princesses, but his position among the council often occupied most of his time.

There were instances were the girls would not physically see their father for days as he left at the break of dawn, before they awoke for school, and did not return until late at night, long after they were put to bed.

However, Bashira adored her father because he would always have one of their servants sneak a book in her room. He knew that she loved to read, preferring books over people for much of her upbringing.

But he also knew that his second wife did not want their daughter to become so enamored in books and education. She always believed that it was a waste of time as Bashira was so beautiful that she would easily find a man who would take care of her.

Never mind that was not what Bashira wanted. She wanted to be like her older sister Nakia, who was always adventurous, going on safaris and other thrilling activities with T’Challa, Erik, and their friends.

Meanwhile, Bashira was stuck at home with her mother, being forced to learn how to be a “proper lady.”

It was frustrating. The different ways in which the girls were reared.

There were even times where Bashira wished that Palesa was her mother instead of Behati. At least then she would have had more freedom.

But Palesa despised both Behati and her daughter for reasons not even Bashira knew.

Bashira was a pretty face.

Nakia was a pretty face and everything else.

Brave, strong, intelligent, and beautiful.

Everything that Bashira couldn’t and would never be.

¥ ¥ ¥

Pregnant.

The word oscillated in Bashira’s head.

It was such a strange and unfamiliar feeling, finding out that there was another life growing inside of you. In 7 ½ months, an infant would feed on her nipples, cry in the middle of the night for her attention, and look to her as if she was the only person in the world who mattered.

She was going to be a mother.

And she was fucking terrified.

This wasn’t supposed to happen.

Yes, she knew that she would eventually have to produce an heir but so soon? Although many believed that the young couple should have conceived by now as T’Challa was already fresh in his thirties. She, still but 24, going on 25. They were in their prime.

However, age did not equate readiness.

How in the hell was she supposed to care for another human being? She could barely take care of herself half the time.

Half.

The child was half his blood. She honestly did not know how to process that information. A part of her hated that her child would have such a heartless individual for a father. Would his cruelty extend to their child? Would he shun his own flesh and blood just to smite the mother? Would he be an absentee father, leaving her to practically rear their child on her own?

Bashira scoffed and wiped at her eyes. She hated the fact that she felt the inherent need for T’Challa to be actively involved in her child’s life. If she herself didn’t need him, then why did their baby?

He wasn’t exactly the poster child for ideal fathers anyway.

Look at how he treated his wife.

“Great Bast, Bashira?”

The queen froze from her seat on a bench in the palace gardens. That voice. She recognized who it belonged to but couldn’t believe that it was actually him.

She stood up and turned to her right. “Thom?”

The newly appointed queen eyed the man before her, distinctly recalling the last time she’d seen him, how he lashed out and cursed at everyone who agreed he was out of control.

Thom and Erik were best friends growing up, always finding themselves in trouble, truly toxic for each other in that they both had problems with respecting authority. However,  Erik was the quiet “bad boy.”

Thom was loud, intimidating, people around their school knowing not to aggravate him. Erik would look at a person to frighten them away.

Thom would resolve to more physical means.

Bashira always felt uncomfortable around Erik because one could never predict his next move, but Thom absolutely scared her because everyone knew exactly what he would do if aggravated.

It was why he was eventually forced to become a War Dog, his father, the elder for the Border Tribe, believing that going out into other parts of the world would help calm him down, and it did. To a certain extent. However, Bashira still sensed dangerous vibes from the man the last time she saw him which was at her wedding to T’Challa over a year ago.

“Oh, forgive me.” He chuckled and saluted her. “Queen Bashira.”

She swallowed deeply. Just her name on his tongue sounded strange. “You have returned?”

“Indeed.” He nodded as she crossed her arms, hating how his eyes immediately fell to her chest.

Thom always behaved inappropriately around Bashira, flirting with her when she was still a teenager and himself, in his early twenties.

As much as she despised T’Challa and cared very little for Erik, neither men tried to approach her when she was underage. Erik would only start his innuendos after she turned 18 and even then they were in jest. T’Challa waited until the last possible moment to try and “court” his future wife.

Thom, however, consistently tried to get close to Bashira.

He even went after Nakia, but T’Challa put an end to that when they were all in high school, both boys suspended for a week. It was the first time Bashira learned about the future King’s temper.

Then again, she also believed that it had more to do than just Thom taking it too far with the prince’s girlfriend.

The two boys always had it out for each other, Thom trying to one-up T’Challa in everything from sports to academics. However, he could never surpass T’Challa in any category which only exacerbated the tension.

“Um, welcome home.” She managed a small smile despite her discomfort. “Erik is also-“

“Here. I know.” He cut her off with a smirk. “That’s why I figured this was the best time to come home. Catch up with old friends.” A beat. “Perhaps even make some new ones.”

His unrelenting stare caused the pregnant woman to slightly move back, her arms still across her chest. “Yes, well, I should get-“”

“You really grew into a beautiful young woman, Bashira,” His eyes moved to study her figure from head to toe. “Beautiful, indeed…..”

Bashira suddenly wished that she hadn’t been so quick to run out of the medical room once T’Challa revealed the stunning news. She also was deeply regretting sending away Ayo so that she could be alone.

“I-uh-,” she stammered, looking everywhere except for the man in front of her. “I really must-“

“Tell me something, Bashira.” He stepped closer, prompting her to move back. “Do I make you uncomfortable? Do I frighten you?”

She thought back to the boldest advanced he’d made on her when she was only 16, cornering her in her bedroom, arms on either side of the wall, proposing that same exact question. If not for Amari coming to knock on her door, she didn’t know what would have happened.

After that, she told her father about him, and the advances became far less intense. Still present though.

The amused gleam in Thom’s dark eyes unsettled her. He was toying with her, and she was in no mood or emotional state to play into his games.

She needed to get the hell away from him.

Bashira again started backing away from the War Dog when she collided with something strong, solid, warm.

She looked up to see none other than T’Challa. A part of her wanted to roll her eyes and push him away while the other part wanted to quickly maneuver to hide behind him.

Bashira hid her shock when her husband easily lifted his arm and put it across her, lightly pushing her behind and beside him.

She did not attempt to move away.

T’Challa was the opposite of the man across from him. He was of few words and preferred to attack without any prior indication of what he was planning or thinking. Few could read him, and even fewer challenged him.

“As children, I hospitalized you for making her uncomfortable.” Bashira chilled as memories of the scandal that followed the epic showdown returned to her recollection. T’Challa always was protective of Nakia. “As a man, I will kill you if you even think of again making that same mistake.” Bashira again concealed her shock at T’Challa’s words. “You will not speak to her, look at her, nor inquire any information about her, and if I found out that you laid even one finger on her, I will drain the life from your body with my bare hands.” Pause. “Do I make myself perfectly clear?”

“Crystal, your highness.” Bashira could practically see the smug smirk on his face just from the sarcastic tone of his voice. “Wakanda Forever.”

Bashira instinctively grabbed the back of T’Challa’s shirt as she could sense he was getting ready to lunge at Thom.

“Let him go,” she mumbled as she heard the sound of footsteps, waiting until they were no more to release her hold on him. “Well that was-“”

“Where is Ayo?” He snapped as he turned around to look down at her with frustration. “Why the hell are you out here alone?” Bashira wanted to be shocked by the switch of his anger from Thom to herself, but she couldn’t be. Of course, he would blame her. “And with him of all people?”

“Is it not obvious? I am in search of a new lover in honor of this exciting news.” She smiled, rubbing her belly, and then scowling. “What do you think, T’Challa? I needed time alone to think-“”

“You can think in the palace, Bashira.” He spoke through gritted teeth as she ran his hand over his face. “You are with child now-“

“Really? I hadn’t realized it.” She turned to walk away when he grabbed her arm. “Let me-“

“Damnit woman, I cannot protect you if you won’t fucking listen to me!”

“Protect me?” She chuckled bitterly. “When have you ever wanted to protect me? You only care to protect those you actually give a fuck about and/or who you find beneficial, and we both know that doesn’t include me.”

He narrowed his eyes in irritation. “You foolish woman-“”

She growled and attempted to pull her arm from him, but it was no use. “Do you think me a fool? That unnecessary display of brawn was nothing more than you feeding your ego and validating your pride! I am now carrying your heir so you need me for the time being, and we all knew that you wouldn’t dare allow anyone to harass my sist-”

“Are you really that daft?” He sneered, his chest falling and rising as he attempted to control his volume. “Nakia could take care of herself.” A beat. “You couldn’t.”

Bashira immediately stopped struggling against him. Was he trying to imply that his brutal beating on Thom was because of her? It couldn't have been. He barely even spoke to her at that time. Never paid attention to her when they were in the same vicinity. How could he have known what Thom was doing to her?

Her jaw faltered as she struggled to get words out. “W-what?”

T’Challa’s eyes shifted, softening for a quick second before hardening again.

“From now on, you are to have a guard with you at all times. If you wish to behave foolishly and put yourself in precarious situations, you may do so after my child is born. I won’t give a damn then.” T’Challa barked out something as she heard the sounds of footsteps in the distance. It was Ayo.

She quickly turned her glare on his back as he turned to walk away after finally releasing her arm. Bashira turned up her nose as her lips trembled from pending tears. “I hate you.”

T’Challa stopped for a moment, looking over his shoulder. She expected him to say something, but he didn’t. He just kept walking away.

Like he always did.

A/N: I changed a few things with this chapter in that I didn’t expound much in terms of the prophecy.

 I wanted you all to get a feel of Behati’s relationship with her daughter and Bashira’s family dynamic in general.

Thom is Erik’s friend....I’ll let you be the judge of that info.

T’Challa is.....complicated. 

We’ll get the ball rolling after this one! 

[ryodan]

SasuNaru and the pin hole

(semi anti ending but not tagged as such as its mainly pro, so beware..vv semi tho)

@sasuke-prevails

Okay, so I’d reblog your post with a reply but my computer always freezes up when I do that and try to add pictures and I can barely use the tumblr app as it is so gaaaah. Plus, I’ve always wanted to make this post debunking everything SNS claim anyways. So here you go. sorry about the wait, i was so lazy..sorry about some shakey images i have GAD

First off, I’d like to say that when I say I am a Naruto fan, I don’t mean the character. I mean, don’t get me wrong I love Naruto too, but I am referring  to the series. I genuinely love this series despite all of it’s inconsistencies, I am late on the band wagon but I prefer that since it allows me to think objectively.  SNS tends to view the series with what I like to call pin hole vision where the entire series is naruto  x sasuke, they are the center bond because they represent everything the series itself stands for. They are not together all the time, they haven’t had the healthiest relationship but they’re the centre  bond because as proven by the first and final battles in the VOE, both at the end of part 1 and part 2 respectively it’s a ‘it boils down to this’ type of thing. However, when I say I am anti romantic SNS it does not mean I am anti their friendship. Do I think its unhealthy? Some aspects of it, yes. Problematic, yes tbh.

These are good examples  I think. Narutos worst fears early shippuuden were disappointing his comrades, and this. Why is is problematic on Narutos side? I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it

I’d like to mention what naruto as a series stands for, and always consistently stood for.

‘Nande?’

‘Onagi dakara’

‘why?’

‘because we are the same.’

-Narutos first bond, Iruka

‘Konoha o mamoroto tsuyui ishi’

‘strong will to protect the hidden leaf village.’

-Hiruzen

‘sato wa nanda?’

‘what is a village?’

-sasuke, ill get to it

‘Kono hi no ishi mote oru kagiri kono sato no mono wa subete kazoku sono mono nanja’

‘as long as one has this will of fire everyone in this village is family.’

‘Iruka sensei? Nande hito wa hito no tameni inochi o kake- ah fuck this translation takes too long im sorry omg

‘Iruka sensei why do people risk their lives for other people?’

‘When one person dies, their past , their present and their future disappears along with them----those people who die have dreams and ambitions, but everyone else has something just as important. Parents, siblings, friends, lovers..those who are dear to them. They trust each other and help each other—that string gets which connects those people gets stronger and thicker by time. It’s impossible to explain why, those who hold those strings just do it, because it’s important to them.’

‘yeah. Somehow it’s clear even to me.’

-Iruka and Naruto when Hiruzen died protecting the village

‘When someone has something they want to protect, their true power comes along’

-Haku

It’s because we help out when they’re in trouble that we can count on them to come running when we need it.

-Shikamaru, about Suna

‘If comrades that you trust gather around you, hope can take physical form and become visible. That`s what I believe...’

-kakashi, to obito

I won't allow my comrades to die. I'll protect you with my life. Trust me.

-kakashi

The next generation will always surpass the previous one. It's one of the never-ending cycles in life.

-kakashi

If you don't share someone's pain. You can never understand them.

-Pain

‘A long cycle of hatred humans have come to call history’

Just by living, people hurt others without even realizing it. So long as humanity exists, hate will also exist. There is no peace in this cursed world. War is just a crime paid for by the pain of the defeated...

-pain

Now there's something I understand a little better. Hate, sadness, even joy. To be able to share it with another person... Naruto Uzumaki. From fighting him I learned that. He knew pain like I did and then he taught me that you can change your path. I wish that one day I can be needed by someone. Not as a frightening weapon... But as the sand's Kazekage.

-Gara

  People's lives don't end when they die. It ends when they lose faith.

-itachi

‘ill never let my comrades die, those words and the conviction behind them are not lies, because neji was able to store those words in his heart. Brother Neji died! It’s not just you Naruto, we all hold those words and feelings in our heart.That is what binds our lives together and makes us comrades. If we all give up those thoughts and feelings Nejis final act would have been for nothing. And that is when your comrades truly die.’

-Hinata

The pain of being alone is completely out of this world, isn't it? I don't know why, but I understand your feelings so much, it actually hurts.

-Naruto

That void is something that everyone helps you fill. Just because you face adversity and hardships, is no reason to give up on this world. A person willing to throw away all those memories... of their friends and comrades, will never find peace of mind. Resorting to something like that isn't going to bury that hole. If you persevere and endure, someone will be there to support you!

-Kakashi, to obito

 I love sasuke. I love all of his bonds, and despite the shit he dealt with in the series he really does represent the message of the series really well…an atypical antagonist, an incredibly well written character who fills not only his shoes in the story, but the shoes of many other characters.

You say Sasuke offered his food to Naruto because he cares about him and I agree, empathy stems from care. But going by your argument.

Despite this

He did wait for her to wake up, also risking elimination and a halting of his revenge plans.

It’s important noting that before any of this, their goals were very self centered and none of them were playing by teamwork..except sasuke, who boasted that he was better than them to Kakashi, but was still the only one who linked them together, by feeding naruto and by saying the whole ‘we are a 3 man cell aren’t we?’

That’s another thing I love about this guy, he really brings people together despite the fact that does not talk for 98% of the series. Taka developed because of him and so did 7.

A constantly relevant theme.

the first mission bought light to what their relationships would be like very early on, and also imprints these guys as personal bonds based on friendship and affection that sasuke shares, a feat that no one else in the series was able to do aside from his family.

From the tree climbing exercise that combined their rivalry and their friendship to this moment that made a grown ass man cry

 ENCOUNTER WITH FRIENDS WHO CAN EASE HIM FROM LONELINESS!!

【仲間】 「それまで恋や友情に見向きもしなかったサスケは、ナルトやサクラと出会い、少しずつではあるが、仲間を受 け 入れ始める。サスケにとってナルトは、いつの間にか互いの能力を高め合う良きライバルとなり、 ま��大蛇丸の 邪悪な呪印にのみ込まれんとするその心を、サクラに救われたことも．．．  」

↳ 【COMPANIONS】 Though until then he had taken no notice of either love or friendship, after meeting with Naruto and Sakura Sasuke begins to accept them as nakama, even if only little by little. In Sasuke’s eyes, before he even noticed it, he and Naruto became mutual good rivals capable of boosting up each other’s skills - and also, when his heart was about to be swallowed by Orochimaru’s wicked cursed seal again, he was rescued by Sakura…

‘as they go on countless missions together, he sees her strengths and weaknesses and views her as someone he needs to protect’

「呪印の影響で暴走するサスケを身を挺して鎮めるサクラ。サクラのサスケを想う心が、邪な力を 包 み込む。」  

↳ Sakura willingly and bravely calms the rampaging Sasuke under the influence of the cursed seal. Sakura’s heart, thinking of Sasuke, devours the wicked power.

 For Naruto who was considered a failure, Sasuke was more than an annoying guy who got the best grades: he was also the rival that won Sakura’s heart, for whom Naruto is in love …! That’s why he always gets annoyed with Sasuke

Sasuke, who only had power for revenge, becomes stronger because of his companions. His true place would have been a future among them.

Growing distant, towards darkness. The one to appear before him as he began leave was Sakura. To the back of a Sasuke that tried to avert from what was being left behind, Sakura desperately conveys her feelings. Bright and earnest feelings - feelings that did not want to lose Sasuke. The one who filled his lonely existence with the emotion called love was Sakura. But, as expected, Sasuke cannot respond to those feelings. Sasuke was only able to leave a single word of thanks as word of parting. 

Friendship and love, a future filled with warmth. But as long as he is there, he cannot make his dream come true. This is why he throws away a future with his friends. To make dreams of revenge a reality…

As is confirmed by the databook.

Sasuke risked his life for them both, and he would have done it again no thinking what so ever, partly because he is a selfless person and also because they already imprinted on his mind. Sasukes relationship with Naruto is given a rivalry mixed with friendship context early on and my friend who had 0 to do with naruto burrowed volume one from me and in school while she was reading asked me if sasuke and sakura end up together, because authorial context is clear

In fact this scene builds up a very good argument I have for this ship that I will get to, where we first learn of his entire stance in the story and sakura is like? Mind you, this was at a time before sasuke ever spoke about these things to anyone…he made me cry is not something he ever told anyone other than sakura. She was intuitive to he him, even during the war when she had a feeling he’d start shit up early on.

You could argue he is blushing bc he is embarrassed… but he has had girls thirsting after him since he was fresh out the womb. ‘he came off stand offish’ well, yes naturally when a person is suffering from trauma and survivors guilt they tend to isolate themselves and become reclusive and irritable. Now, add the fact that the trauma happened at such a young age and you have a sasuke. But he still, took out the time to say he’s emo (a joke ofc)

The only ‘romantic context’ ever given to Naruto and Sasuke was the ‘accidental kiss’ which ended up like this

Over the course of the series we see Sasukes attachment to team 7, in the same context given before. Best friend and rival, girl he feels protective affection for.

however, the context between sasusaku was always romanticized

 Part 2 : http://sasukeuchihayas.tumblr.com/post/160820240389/this-comes-full-circle-in-the-gara-fight-when

Part 3 : http://sasukeuchihayas.tumblr.com/post/160820241909/if-we-do-a-time-skip-to-after-the-akatsuki-arc

[katalyna-rose]

Forbidden

Rating: Mature

Solavellan

Tags: Angst, Post-Break Up, Deep Roads, The Descent DLC

Summary: A Dalish elf who has spent her entire life outside in the sun doesn't do well underground for extended periods of time, especially while also forced to spend this time with the man who broke her heart. Yet even though he left her and hurt her so deeply, her love and attraction for him have not waned. And neither, it seems, have his feelings for her. After what happened between them, any intimacy is forbidden. It cannot change what happened, only hurt them both all over again. But that doesn't seem to stop them.

Read on AO3!

After nearly a month in the Deep Roads without sunlight or any food that didn’t consist mostly of bioluminescent mushrooms, Lyna was beginning to feel physically ill. She’d spent her entire life outdoors and all this time underground was torture. They had spent most of the trip in a constant state of uncertainty, no way to know how much further they were going or what they would find or how long it would be until they could head back up. The only comfort Lyna had was that they were finally going to return.

The Titan had been… magnificent. It was truly a marvel, beyond anything she could have ever imagined. The happiest she’d felt on this whole trip was when she was trying to figure out where the light came from in the Wellspring. It was gloriously close to sunlight, though it wasn’t quite as nourishing, and she had basked in it for as long as she could excuse herself to do so. She’d been uncertain about leaving Valta behind, but in the end she’d known better than to try to force the Shaper to do anything she didn’t want to.

They still had another week in the Deep Roads, and tempers were short. Even Cole seemed affected by it, unusually quiet and sullen. Varric’s jokes had become progressively angrier and more aggressive as the days wore on, until he was making crude and sarcastic remarks rather than jokes. Cassandra spent most of her time with her head in her hands as though she had a migraine, but no amount of healing magic seemed to help her. Lyna was feeling nauseous and her muscles ached in a strange way. And Solas… She had known that bringing him on such a long trip in close quarters would be awkward, but she hadn’t expected how tense things had become.

His skin was turning gray, looking less healthy every day, and he hadn’t so much as looked at her in days unless whatever skirmish they were fighting gave him no choice. At first, it had seemed that they would manage to remain civil to each other, even cordial, but as time wore on and they both began to feel worse the fragile civility they had maintained had crumbled. If they interacted at all, it was with terse words and biting insults. It was tearing Lyna apart, though Solas seemed infuriatingly unmoved. He had always been good at hiding his feelings from her, after all.

 ***

“This place is awful,” Solas grumbled, attempting to knock mud and what looked suspiciously like animal droppings off his boot.

“Oh, look, something we can agree on,” Lyna quipped from her position by the fire, stirring their pot of dinner. It was an unappealing gray color, but it would keep them nourished.

“If we may also agree not to argue this evening, I would appreciate it,” Solas said, his tone biting. He was scowling at his boots, refusing to look at her as usual.

“But it’s the closest thing to entertainment I can get down here!” Lyna cried mockingly.

“And it is driving me insane,” Cassandra groaned, rubbing her temples.

“Because you weren’t already, Seeker?” Varric quipped. Cassandra made a disgusted noise. Cole fidgeted at the edge of the firelight and Lyna sighed. As much as she wanted to really lay into Solas, she knew she was making this that much more difficult for the others. She looked at Solas, contemplating her options. They should probably talk, try to figure out how to return to their previous façade of civility.

Once they had all choked down as much of the stew as they could manage, all of them desperate for some real food, Lyna screwed up her courage and approached Solas. “I’d like to talk to you in private for a moment,” she said softly. He sighed and didn’t look at her, then nodded and stood. She led him into a nearby side passage that she knew ended in a small cavern with no other ways in or out, not looking back to see if he followed. She stopped in the middle of the cavern and stayed facing away from him.

“We still have another week down here, Solas,” she said finally. “I’d rather we survived each other until we reach the surface, at least.”

“As would I,” he said softly, scant feet away though a vast distance lay between them. “Yet we cannot seem to stop sniping at each other.” Lyna sighed.

“It is not an easy thing to have you here like this,” she told him sadly.

“Then why did you ask me to come?” She barked a laugh.

“You are an exceptionally powerful mage and a truly gifted healer, as you well know,” she said. “I thought that both of those traits would be useful on this trip, and I was quite right.”

“I was surprised when you did not ask Dorian to accompany you, instead,” he said softly rather than rising to the bait that her caustic tone provided.

“Dorian is a dear friend, but he is no healer,” she reminded him, her tone slightly softer. “After the fight with the Guardian, can you honestly tell me that I made the wrong choice in bringing you?” She could picture in her mind, as clearly as if she saw it though her back was still turned to him, the way his lips would twist in a grimace as he remembered frantically healing Cole’s many crushed bones.

“No,” he said finally. “I cannot say that.”

“Vivienne is a better healer than Dorian, but she is still arranging Bastien’s affairs, and I didn’t want to take her from that for as long as I knew this trip would take,” she continued, wrapping her arms around herself. It was almost more difficult to be civil with him than to fight. It hurt more, made her nausea worse to the point that she worried about keeping her dinner down. “As uncomfortable as this is for us both, it was still the best option. Besides, can you honestly tell me that it wasn’t worth it to see the Titan? To learn all of this first hand rather than reading it in reports later? I thought you would have enjoyed collecting all this history and the memories here. Though the Fade is harder to access this far underground, there have been some truly interesting things to see, haven’t there?”

“Yes, there have been. You are right,” he said. Disgusted, she finally turned to him only to find his gaze locked on a nearby stalagmite.

“You could at least do me the honor of looking at my face,” she said, her temper snapping again. She marched a few steps closer, desperate for some form of acknowledgement. She saw his jaw clench before he finally raised his gaze to hers for the first time in almost two weeks.

“I expected you to stop asking me to accompany you after… what happened between us,” he admitted. She scowled.

“Why? I am not too proud to acknowledge your strengths and all the many ways in which you benefit the Inquisition,” she said.

“I would not have been surprised if you had retaliated, asked me to leave…” he told her, and her mouth dropped open.

“You could at least pretend to acknowledge that I attempt to be a good person!” she shouted, what remained of her temper utterly lost. “You think I would cast you out for spurning me? Lock you in a Circle, perhaps? You think I am so without honor or compassion that I would do that to anyone? My own mother is a mage, Solas, and I would sooner die than see her imprisoned for her magic! I would sooner die than see you imprisoned for it! I would see Leliana become Divine in part because I know that she would abolish the Circles entirely, allow the mages to be treated like people by society, even welcome elves and dwarves and Qunari into the Chantry! She would treat the peoples of Thedas like people and I would see that ideal come to fruition. Yet you stand there and accuse me of being no better than the Templars?”

“Do not put words into my mouth!” he cried, stepping forward aggressively. Some part of Lyna’s mind became aware of the fact that they were now within arm’s reach of each other, but it was quickly drowned out by her anger. “I said nothing of mages or of locking anyone away! I merely stated that I expected you to keep more of a distance.”

“If that is what you would prefer, you only have to say so,” Lyna ground out between her teeth. “I am not arrogant enough to believe that I could hold you if you wished to leave. That much has been made perfectly clear to me.”

“Has it?” Solas asked, fury lighting his features. They were only inches away from each other, both breathing heavily. “You are Inquisitor and I am but a humble hedge mage. Do you not have a hold?”

“I have never exerted power over you, Solas!” she reminded him. “I never wanted this position or title! I never wanted this power! I have done my best to use it wisely, but I have never used it against an individual and never for personal gain. You know that!”

They were silent for a few heartbeats, glaring at each other from only inches away as tension built between them, heat and static making the fine hairs on Lyna’s arms stand up. And then he was kissing her, his mouth hot and desperate on hers, teeth biting her lips until they stung. His arms wrapped around her waist, yanking her against his body and holding her tight. Her arms, which she had initially raised to shove him away, ended up wound around his neck, her nails digging into his scalp and holding him to her, her tongue just as aggressive as his. It was a mistake, she knew it was, yet she couldn’t pull away. As Solas began to rock his hips against hers, grinding them together to make heat and arousal shoot into her core, she held him tighter and decided that she didn’t care. She needed this, needed him, and even though it would only last for a moment before he withdrew from her again she would take whatever she could get and embrace the pain that would inevitably follow. His hand tangled in her hair and held her head at a new angle to allow him to devour her, her lips stinging and sore, his tongue thrusting into her mouth as if he was fucking her, heat gathering between her legs as he rocked against her and the stiff heat of his cock pressed insistently into her belly, and she wanted nothing more than to make this last forever.

She whimpered slightly when he bit her lip again and it broke the spell between them. He flung himself away from her, both of them panting heavily and shaking. He turned away, but didn’t flee as she expected him to. She wrapped her arms around her stomach as though the pressure would keep her dinner where it belonged, but the nausea pressed insistently at her throat. Solas scrubbed his face, sighing deeply.

“I apologize,” he said, his voice hoarse and barely louder than a whisper. “That was… ill-considered. I should not have encouraged it.”

“You kissed me,” she reminded him. He was silent for a moment.

“Yes,” he acknowledged, surprising her. “I apologize.”

“It changes nothing, right?” she asked, feeling near tears, the exhaustion and strain of the past month, since he’d left her naked and alone, combining with this final taste of his passion to make her feel bereft, empty.

“It cannot change anything,” he murmured, desperation and something like agony in his tone. Then he left, leaving her behind yet again.

Only once she knew he could not hear her did she release the tight control she’d maintained over herself. Her dinner came back up violently, and she continued to heave even after there was nothing left for her body to expel. Cole found her while she was like this, bent over her own sick and sobbing. He pressed a damp cloth against her hot face and rubbed her back soothingly until she leaned into him. He wrapped his arms around her and held her tight.

“It changes everything,” he murmured.

“Then why?” she sobbed, clutching at him.

“Because you deserve better.”

“But I want him.”

“I know,” he told her softly. “But it can’t change his mind. He won’t let it. It is forbidden.”

“But I love him,” she whispered, barely giving the words voice, as afraid of them as she was incapable of denying them.

“Haunting, hurting, heaving in the dark. Taste of her lips and texture of her tongue, silken strands still caught on my fingers, too beautiful for words. Eyes that beg me to stay, want to lose myself in her and forget. Strong hands to cup my face, kiss away her tears and stay forever. He knows.”

But it was forbidden.