#man that ios stuff is such bullshit

[lucky-clover-gazette]

kings rising highlights & annotations

chapter 4

indented text is from the book. some quotes have commentary, some do not. some comments are serious, and some are definitely not. most of them will only make sense to people who have read the series. and, like, there are spoilers. so please read the books first if you're interested!

also: part of the reason i'm doing such a close reading is to study cs pacat's style, especially in terms of how she does romance and erotica. there are "craft notes" that might seem weird, like i'm being redundant or restating something rather than analyzing, but those are more things that i want to remember/take away from the writing!

i'm going to tag these longer posts with "sam reads capri" in case anyone wants to read them all at once.

this is a google doc i wrote with overall content warnings for the captive prince series. it's not perfect, but i do think it's important to include.

‘Does it bother you to think of him hurting your country?’ ‘You know it does. Are we playing now with the fate of nations? It won’t bring your brother back.’ There was a violent silence.

the girls are fightinggggg (love damen calling laurent on his misdirected bullshit)

‘You know, my uncle knew who you were,’ said Laurent. ‘He spent this whole time waiting for us to fuck. He wanted to tell me who you were himself, and watch it wreck me. Oh, had you guessed that? You just thought you’d fuck me anyway? Couldn’t help yourself?’

i’m sure it’s easier for laurent to entertain the notion that nothing damen did was real at all, and doing so also hurts damen, so two birds one stone

‘You said, “Kiss me”,’ said Laurent, each word enunciated clearly. ‘You said, “Laurent, I need to be inside you, you feel so good, Laurent,”’ He switched to Akielon, as Damen had, at the climax, ‘‘it’s never felt like this, I can’t hold on, I’m going to—’’

i did my complex analysis of laurent’s mean girl era last chapter. this is a good example of him just being a petty bitch for the reasons outlined in that analysis

‘Charcy,’ said Laurent, ‘was a distraction. I have it from Guion. My uncle sailed for Ios three days ago, and by now he has made landfall.’

and it worked, and laurent was too emotionally compromised to anticipate or prevent it. imagine laurent learning that, directly after being tortured. and now he’s dealing with this. Ls on Ls on Ls.

(or did he know? stuff he says later makes me think he might have, but then again, he also lies to damen a LOT in this scene)

‘I see. And my men are to die fighting him for you, the way that they did at Charcy?’

i mean the previous chapter already established that they both know laurent meant to be there, but if they’re doing cheap shots, i guess this works fine in a pinch

Laurent’s smile was not pleasant. ‘On that table is a list of supplies and troops. I will give it to you, in support of your campaign to the south.’ ‘In exchange for,’ said Damen, steadily. ‘Delpha,’ said Laurent in the same tone. He felt the shock that made him remember that this was Laurent, and not any other young man of twenty.

He had not come here prepared to negotiate. Laurent had. Laurent was here as the Prince of Vere facing the King of Akielos. Laurent had known who he was all along. The list, written in Laurent’s own hand, had been prepared before this meeting.

all true, but don’t underestimate the fact that laurent did NOT anticipate falling in love or actually trusting you as an ally

He said, ‘Did you plan this from the beginning?’

so "from the beginning" is complicated here. if i'm going to try to sort things out to the best of my ability, i think a good place to start is making a list of things laurent could NOT have expected at the beginning of the series, when he was presented with damen:

that damen would not immediately take any opportunity provided to him to escape captivity

that damen is a respectable and admirable person and invaluable strategic and military asset

that damen and laurent would fall in love (and even still now, i don't think laurent is letting himself believe damen really cares, and certainly isn't letting damen do the caring)

that the regent would try to assassinate his own nephew. laurent says in the text, at some point, that this was a genuine surprise, and that he didn't think his uncle would ever go that far

but, okay, even if laurent didn't expect the assassination attempt, or any of the other minor things in vere like the patras debacle, did he expect at some point to find himself and his men forced to do a military campaign? he must have, which is why he started the correspondence with delpha. i suppose he could have planned to do that from vere, too, and just adjusted things when he was forced to travel. and nothing that laurent failed to expect directly got in the way of the foundation of his plan, if his objective was to obtain delpha and make enough allies that together they can take down the regent.

so to answer damen's question, yes! laurent planned this specific long-term objective (taking delpha, getting kastor and the regent in ios, methodically turning a faction of powerful akielions against kastor and gaining the support of vask and patras) from the beginning. because he recognized damen the moment he saw him, laurent could immediately put together that kastor is allied with the regent, who would totally come up with something like this to torture laurent. and so laurent put his mental energy into planning a way to gain enough political and military power to defeat both kastor and the regent, and further manipulate them into being so confident that they would have no time to retaliate when the people laurent enlisted attacked them. i don't think laurent gave a shit if kastor lived or died, or stayed on the throne, as long as the regent was defeated, but it made sense for kastor to be a priority as well since the alliance between kastor and the regent makes the regent more powerful.

and, to be generous to laurent, none of this really has anything to do with damen. like none of it is designed to punish him, it doesn't even really involve him. it's another instance of laurent just living in a different genre from the start. damen's pov has been so fixed on his relationship and interactions with laurent, but there's been so much more happening that we just haven't seen. and laurent, i think we can assume, is and has always been deeply focused on things other than their relationship.

but even now, this plan doesn't do damen direct harm. the most harm it does is make things awkward with nikandros, and make damen feel bad about the regent being in his own country (which was probably going to happen anyway). but still, damen is super pissed. he doesn't realize or admit it, but i almost think the fact that laurent always had this plan makes him a little insecure. like, to realize that he hasn't been as important or useful to laurent as he previously assumed. on top of all the other stuff pissing him off about the situation, he's also jealous of an abstract plan, because it's had laurent's attention from the start, and right now laurent is choosing that plan over their friendship/relationship. a kingdom, or this.

laurent doesn't want to deal with "this," and honestly has some pretty pressing matters beyond "this" to handle, so he's chosen "a kingdom." even if damen's heart is still stuck with "this," he'll have to follow laurent's lead and focus on "a kingdom" too. i'm sure they'll both do a perfectly professional and functional job of this, and it won't make things inconvenient or uncomfortable for any of their allies at all.

‘The hard part was getting Guion to let me into his fort.’ Laurent said it steadily, the private edge to his voice a little more private than usual.

do they ever talk about it? like does laurent ever tell damen what happened in the cell?

also i like how damen doesn’t take this as like flippant and arrogant, as he would have in book 1. he immediately clocks that laurent is hiding something and just deflecting.

Damen said, ‘In the palace you had me beaten, drugged, whipped. And you ask me to give up Delpha? Why don’t you tell me instead why I shouldn’t simply hand you over to your uncle, in exchange for his aid against Kastor?’

like you ever would.

‘Because I knew who you were,’ said Laurent, ‘and when you killed Touars and humiliated my uncle’s faction, I sent the news of it echoing to every corner of my country. So that if you ever crawled back onto your throne there would be no possibility of an alliance between you and my uncle.

good failsafe, laurent didn’t know he wouldn’t need it. although i’m sure it’s both vindicating and hurting laurent to hear damen threaten this, making the failsafe necessary, even if we know that damen’s heart isn’t in it.

'Do you want to play this game against me? I will take you apart.’

this is all very complicated and unnecessary and frustrating to damen, but it's laurent's area of expertise. this kind of emotionally evasive manipulative political negotiation makes him feel empowered. the approach laurent takes in this scene is almost certainly a way for him to cope with the things in his life that feel uncontrollable and uncomfortable, by doing something familiar that he knows he can control.

‘Take me apart?’ Damen said deliberately. ‘If I opposed you, the remaining scrap of land you hold would have a different enemy on each side, and your efforts would be split in three directions.’ ‘Believe me,’ said Laurent, ‘when I say that you would have my undivided attention.’

this is soooo amy dunne of him

Damen let his eyes pass over Laurent slowly, where he stood. ‘You’re alone. You don’t have allies. You don’t have friends. You’ve proven true everything your uncle ever said about you. You made deals with Akielos. You even bedded an Akielon—and by now, everyone knows it. You’re clinging to independence with a single fort and the tatters of a reputation.’ He gave every word its weight. ‘So let me tell you the terms of this alliance. You will give me everything on this list, and in return I will aid you against your uncle. Delpha remains with Akielos. Let’s not pretend you have anything here worth a bargain.’

damen honey i’m so sorry but you cannot win this one. especially when you yourself would probably lay down your life on instinct for laurent if someone randomly came into this tent and tried to kill him

‘Please,’ said Laurent, ‘insult me further. Tell me more about my tattered reputation. Tell me all the ways that bending over for you has damaged my position. As if being fucked into the mattress by the King of Akielos could be anything other than demeaning. I am dying to hear it.’

and somehow laurent still manages to turn even his own shitty decisions back on damen, implying that even if laurent owned up to being fucked by damen, it couldn’t be anything other than demeaning, and damen is a fool for considering it to be genuine lovemaking

‘Did you think,’ said Laurent, ‘that I would come here without the means to enforce my terms? I hold the only proof of Kastor’s treachery that extends beyond your word.’ ‘My word is enough to the men that matter.’ ‘Is it? Then by all means, reject my offer. I will execute Guion for treason and hold the letter over the nearest candle.’

cunt (affectionate)

‘Are we going to play another kind of pretend?’ Damen said. ‘That it never happened?’

and in this game of pretend, damen doesn’t get to hand-feed a pretty blonde named laurent >:(

‘If you are concerned it will go unmentioned between us, never fear. Every man in my camp knows that you served me in bed.’

“you served me” GOD laurent you are such a bitch

And that is how it is to be between us?’ said Damen. ‘Mercenary? Cold?’

if laurent was normal, there are plenty of reassuring things he could tell damen to explain that they can do this together, and ios will be okay, and they're in a good position to win as a team. but since he's being a salty little bitch, he's not going to do any of that, and he's going to make damen feel extra bad by using their romantic history against him. and despite all of these slights against him, damen knows that he has no choice but to give laurent delpha and ally himself with laurent's cause. because laurent really has planned this from the beginning. sure, current damen probably still would have done all that if laurent had just asked, but book 1 laurent had no idea of anticipating their allyship, and book 3 laurent is intentionally trying to push him away.

‘How did you think it would be?’ said Laurent. ‘You’d take me to your bed for the public consummation?’ It hurt.

this is a brutal scene for damen, even if i understand laurent’s headspace. i’m sorry buddy, breakups are no fun.

actually, do you think damen has ever experienced a breakup? he’s a prince who grew up with a harem of sex slaves. jokaste just kind of did whatever she wanted and damen was chill with it. so probably not.

It was too neat. He hadn’t thought as far as Kastor’s defeat, or who would become kyros in Ios, the traditional seat of the King’s closest adviser. Nikandros was the ideal candidate.

not laurent doing damen’s job for him…

‘I see you’ve thought of everything,’ said Damen, bitterly. ‘It didn’t have to be—you could have come to me, and asked for my help, I would have—’ ‘Killed the rest of my family?’

i mean, laurent definitely wants the regent dead. i think this is just a dig about auguste, and furthermore about damen not telling laurent the truth at any point.

also, damen straight-up admitting that he would have helped damen is something laurent would have needed a gun to his head to say out loud, and there aren’t even guns in this world. i said this in a note last chapter, but laurent assumes that damen is just as terrified of attachment and vulnerability as he (laurent) is, but we see that damen is willing to swear attachment and make himself vulnerable in order to support laurent and build trust. laurent is just denying that aspect of damen, because he’s traumatized and stubborn and doesn’t want to be let down.

Thickly, Damen remembered running his sword through the man he’d believed was the Regent; as if killing the Regent would be his expiation. It wouldn’t.

that explains why damen acted how he did in battle. but he also knows, in the reality of this moment, that it wouldn’t have made up for auguste even if he had killed the regent. killing a member of laurent’s family isn’t going to make up for the fact that he killed a member of his family.

He thought of all Laurent had done here, every piece of impersonal leverage, to control this meeting, to ensure it played out on his terms. ‘Congratulations,’ said Damen. ‘You’ve forced my hand. You have what you want. Delpha, in exchange for your aid in the south. Nothing given freely, nothing done out of feeling, everything coerced, with bloodless planning.’

this is almost laurentian, in terms of dialogue. very poetic and theatrical. damen is not handling this breakup well, and it’s almost like he’s defensively taking on some of laurent’s overdramatic bitchiness. it’s a reaction from him we haven’t really seen since book 1.

this dialogue also feels slightly anachronistic, in a good way. with some minor editing it could be a believable text that modern au damen would send after laurent breaks up with him in a formal email even though they still have to work on an assignment together. i think it's the "nothing given freely, nothing done out of feeling, everything coerced, with bloodless planning" that really gives off the vibe of an emotionally compromised teenager trying to cope with the fact that they still have to see their ex in english class.

‘Good,’ said Laurent. He took a step back. Then, as if a pillar of control had finally collapsed, Laurent surrendered his full weight to the table behind him, his face drained of all colour. He was trembling, his hairline pricked with the sweat of injury. He said: ‘Now get out.’

laurent: i won. get out. also laurent:

Laurent had known who he was, and had still made love to him. He wondered what mix of yearning and self-delusion had allowed Laurent to do that.

may i interest you in the “sam reads capri” tag on my tumblr blog, damen?

also i just think “he wondered what mix of yearning and self-delusion has allowed laurent to do that” is a BANGER line. maybe one of my favorites in the series. astute, bewildered, devastating (sad), and devastating (scathing) all at once.

If he’d imagined it, it was as a single, cataclysmic event, an unmasking that, whatever followed, would be over. Violence would have been both punishment and release. He had never imagined that it would instead go on and on; that the truth had been known; that it had been painfully absorbed; that it would be this crushing pressure that wouldn’t leave his chest.

damen always thought that he would be the one to rip off the bandaid for them both, so the entire time he has been saving them the pain by waiting. but now he knows that laurent never had a bandaid, and he (damen) has been left to slowly and painfully pry off his own. the pain isn’t over, it’s just beginning. and laurent has felt it this entire time, in a way damen put off for himself.

Laurent had tamped down the smothered emotion in his eyes, and would endure an alliance with his brother’s killer, though he felt nothing but aversion. If he could do it, Damen could do it. He could make impersonal negotiations, speak in the formal language of kings.

(also wow do i want to tell damen that laurent isn’t averse to him, he’s just lashing out, and badly needs someone to show him love and support at this time. but as always, oh fuck, he can’t hear me. and to be fair, it isn’t really in-character for damen to just passively accept poor treatment, or to force laurent to accept his support when he’s been told to go away.)

The ache of loss didn’t make sense, because Laurent had never been his. He had known that. The delicate thing that had grown between them had never had a right to exist.

and yet it did exist, and it does exist, and it will exist, and that’s why we’re reading about it.

damen and laurent both feel like they have a right to their kingdom’s thrones as princes, but they don’t have the right to simply be people in love. again, a kingdom or this. the themes are theming.

If it hurt, it was fitting; it was simply kingship.

what did i just say??? THE THEMES ARE THEMING!!!

If he could give Laurent up, he could do this.

stoppp can someone get him a pint of ice cream and an olivia rodrigo album (should i make lamen divorce era playlists. like one for each of them.)

Damen remembered hoping for a homecoming where it could be between them as it was in the old days. As if friendship of that kind could survive statesmanship.

damen’s being soooo broody about the ways kingship nerfs his social and romantic life, omg. it’s a hint of his immaturity and relative youth to other people in power, and his difference in jadedness and trauma compared to laurent. he is still lowkey a frat guy who wants to party, even though he cares about his schoolwork and future prospects

‘He’s playing us against each other,’ said Nikandros. ‘This is calculated. He is trying to weaken you.’ Damen said, ‘I know. It’s like him.’

"yes, honey..."

nikandros private twitter venting moment #4. especially considering damen’s response

‘He left us at Charcy.’ ‘There was a reason for that.’ ‘But I am not to know it.’

damen doesn’t really know the reason, but he can assure nik, there was a reason. nikandros private twitter venting moment #5.

It was not worth Delpha. He could see that Nikandros knew it, as Damen had known it. ‘I would make this easier,’ said Damen, ‘if I could.’ Silence, while Nikandros kept his words in check.

nikandros private twitter moment #6. this time he just posts a blurry picture of laurent’s offer and captions it with “🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬”

‘The men will talk,’ said Nikandros. He was pushing the words out with distaste, he did not want to say, ‘About—’ Damen said, ‘No.’ And then, as though Nikandros couldn’t help the words that came out next, ‘If you would at least take off the cuff—’ ‘No. It stays.’ He refused to lower his eyes.

kind of curious why, in this moment, damen is so determined about this. he’s had reasons in the past, but it would be cool to get some current insight, if it’s not just an instinctual thing

Nikandros turned away and put his palms flat on the table, resting his weight there. Damen could see the resistance in Nikandros’s shoulders, bunched across his back, his palms still flat on the table.

nikandros private twitter moment #7. he just posts this meme with no further elaboration:

Into the painful silence, Damen said, ‘And you? Will I lose you?’ It was all he allowed himself. It came out in a steady enough voice, and he made himself wait, and say nothing more.

AWWW poor baby :( no like fr damen :(((( it’s going to be okay

As though the words were coming up from the depths of him, against his will, Nikandros said, ‘I want Ios.’ Damen let out a breath. Laurent, he realised suddenly, wasn’t playing them against one another. He was playing to Nikandros. There was a dangerous expertise in all of this; in knowing how far Nikandros’s loyalty might be stretched, and what would keep it from snapping. Laurent’s presence in the room was almost tangible.

i think this was more an unintended outcome of the plan, but i’m sure mean girl era laurent would be pleased to know that his actions inadvertently incentivized damen’s best friend to declare himself loyal to his ex (laurent) instead

‘Listen to me, Damianos. If you have ever valued my counsel, listen. He is not on our side. He is Veretian, and he’ll be bringing an army into our country.’ ‘To fight his uncle. Not to fight us.’ ‘If someone kills your family you don’t rest until they are dead.’

i know this is nikandros trying to convince damen that laurent isn’t just going to let go of what damen did to auguste, and can’t be trusted as an ally. but it also makes nikandros accidentally sound like a book 1 laurent apologist, by making the statement with “you” as if it’s a universal maxim. like, if nik was in laurent’s shoes, he would have wanted damen tortured and dead too. nik is an interesting guy, because he's a little more aggressive with his principles unprovoked than damen, but he’s also similarly limited in perspective due to his status and lack of humbling experiences. i’ll try to do more complex analysis in addition to memeing on him, if/when opportunities arise

Nikandros was shaking his head. ‘Or do you really think he’s forgiven you for killing his brother?’ ‘No. He hates me for it.’ He said it steadily, without flinching. ‘But he hates his uncle more. He needs us. And we need him.’

damen going full ant with a bindle :(((

‘You need him enough that you would strip me of my home, because he asked you to?’ ‘Yes,’ said Damen.

nik private twitter vent #8. this time he literally just tweets a single “.”

The men came to attention as he passed, and said only, ‘Exalted,’ if he spoke. It was not like sitting around a campfire swilling wine, exchanging low tales and ribald speculations.

he should be at the club

Jord and the other Veretians from Ravenel had been sent back to Laurent to rejoin his army in the extravagant tents at Fortaine.

jord and the others standing awkwardly nearby laurent’s tent, trying to ignore the muffled adele ballad playing within

Alone, he didn’t have to be King.

i can’t believe that damen, groomed from birth for eventual kingship, now resents that kingship almost exclusively because it means he can’t be boyfriends with laurent. blonde man brainrot

He wasn’t alone. She was naked, at the base of the stark pallet, her full breasts hanging downwards, her forehead to the floor. She didn’t have palace training, and so could not quite disguise the fact that she was nervous. Her fair hair was caught back from her face in a fragile clasp, a northern custom. She was perhaps nineteen or twenty, her body trained and ready for him. She had prepared a bath in an unadorned wooden tub, so that if he pleased he might make use of it; or of her.

the way this is written, especially in the context of the series so far, makes this hard to read as anything other than revolting. i think this is due to a few craft elements:

the clinical description, lacking sensuality entirely

damen relating the things he’s observing to the aspects of the institution that he understands (she wasn’t trained in the palace = slaves are trained to do this. she was placed here for him to use = she didn’t show up here because she wanted to be here, or even knew him at all, or wanted pleasure of her own). unlike his past self, who passively understood the institution but chose not to think too hard about what it implied, the mental connections damen has made through being a slave himself prevent him from regarding this slave with the same thoughtlessness

damen's observations portray the anxiety and vulnerability of the slave, rather than willingness or submission. in book 1 we have a lot of moments where damen thinks of slaves as lovely, sweet, aimless non-people, almost like they're lobotomized. he regards them in a way that's both condescending and unconcerned for their free will, because they don't want or need free will, because they're slaves. his issue with the mistreatment of the akielion slaves in vere wasn't with their enslavement itself; it was with the cruelty of their masters, non-slaves who have free will and therefore should use it honorably. at the time, he truly believed that, as long as a master is kind, a slave has no reason to feel anxious or vulnerable or afraid, because there is honor in a slave's submission. if book 1 damen noticed that a slave was nervous, he would have found it adorable and charming, and would have taken it as an invitation to prove himself a caring master. but that doesn't even cross his mind here, while noticing this slave's nervousness in book 3.

another interesting craft detail: a sort of parallelism in the last part. damen notices that the bath, an object, has been prepared for him—just as the slave, a person, has been prepared for him. he groups them together, in that their same designated function is to be used: "he could make use of it; or of her." and that's where he stops the description altogether, because i don't think he feels comfortable with what that similarity between person and object implies.

it's easy to simply tell a reader that a character has evolved. if this story was written by a different author, there might have just been a moment where damen said out loud, "actually i've realized that slavery is bad," while the topic was otherwise avoided beyond its relevance to the story.

it's much harder to show, consistently throughout the story, exactly how that evolution has occurred, and the difference in damen's perspective compared to how he'd thought about slavery at the start. well done, pacat.

He had known that there were slaves with Nikandros’s army, following behind with the carts and the supplies. He had known that when he returned to Akielos there would be slaves.

… but seeing it in person is still viscerally uncomfortable

‘Get up,’ he heard himself say, awkwardly, a wrong order for a slave. There was a time when he would have expected this, and known how to behave around it. He would have appreciated the charm of her rustic northern skills, and bedded her, if not tonight then certainly in the morning. Nikandros knew him, and she was his type. She was Nikandros’s best, that was evident; a slave from his personal retinue, perhaps even his favourite, because Damen was his guest and his King. She got up. He didn’t speak. She had a collar around her neck, and metal cuffs around her small wrists that were like the one that he— ‘Exalted,’ she said, quietly. ‘What is wrong?’ He let out a strange, unsteady breath. He realised that his breathing had been unsteady for some time, that his flesh was unsteady. That the silence had been stretching out between them too long. ‘No slaves,’ said Damen. ‘Tell the Keeper. Send no one else. For the length of the campaign I will be dressed by an adjutant, or a squire.’

see my previous comment. this is really well-done, especially the panic attack-esque reaction and ptsd trigger. i made a comment a WHILE ago about the way both damen and laurent have ptsd in this series, but it manifests differently due to their proximity to their own traumas. laurent’s trauma was prolonged but a few years in the past; he’s had a lot of time to learn how to cope with it since. but damen’s trauma began when the story began, and it’s been intense and unrelenting basically the whole time: his father’s death, kastor and jokaste’s betrayal, his enslavement, his time in arles, his loss of identity by laurent’s side, and his forced return to his royal identity and obligations. that’s a lot of shit to unpack, and most of it is still happening. it's raw, and damen has had no time to process. nor has he received comfort, or even acknowledgement of what's happened to him as the trauma it is.

"he realised that his breathing had been unsteady for some time." this is a person experiencing a ptsd trigger for what might be the very first time, realizing as it happens just how quickly and thoroughly trauma can disorient his mental, physical, and emotional awareness and self-control. there is the complex intellectual development i discussed in the previous comment re: damen's feelings about slavery, but it's also this visceral gut reaction that tells damen and the reader that things will never be the same.

‘Wait.’ He couldn’t send her naked through the camp. ‘Here,’ he unpinned his cloak, and whirled it around her shoulders. He felt the wrongness of it, pushing against every protocol. ‘The guard will escort you back.’

he felt the wrongness of doing the right thing, but he still did it anyway. i think that is a big moment for damen, especially relating to akielion slavery.

i know i talk a lot about laurent in these notes, because i love laurent very much. but i also love damen, and i’m glad that he is our narrator. his pov is a big reason why these books work, in their chosen genre, at all. and i do think that this genre was a choice—laurent may be living a gritty psychological thriller, but a big theme of the series as a whole is that laurent was sweet in the past, and has the right to a life where he can be sweet again. but laurent, as we meet him at the start of these books, is heartless by choice. damen is many things, but he is never heartless. and whatever genre these books are, i think they're deeply defined by the fact that they're written with heart. they are not cynical, and they are not jaded. that's why damen, and not laurent, is our narrator. laurent's cynicism and jadedness are a foil to damen's idealism and trusting/forgiving nature. while damen does have some things to learn from laurent about strategy and cultural misconceptions, the ethos of the series matches damen's emotional and philosophical outlook far more than laurent's. ultimately, damen's heart helps laurent reclaim his sweetness, and become a better ruler and happier person. damen's heart is also what leads damen himself to reform akielion slavery, unite his kingdom with vere, and step out from his father's shadow. this is, at the end of the day, damen's story. and i don't think it would be the same story, with the same meaning or heart, if it was told by anyone else.

which, regarding meaning—in addition to the individual chapters, i do want to start thinking more about some of the more overarching things going on with capri. so i might as well start now. and if i had to start formulating an overall series thesis at this point in the re-read, i think it would have something to do with the concepts of submission and captivity.

captivity and submission both imply, in our common perception, a coerced and degrading loss of free will. and we certainly see that, in the way damen and laurent have both been held captive and degraded throughout their stories. we also see how, despite being victims themselves, they both have used captivity and submission to coerce and degrade others (laurent coerces and degrades damen to avenge his brother) and deny them free will (damen is complicit in the institution of akielion slavery, which denies slaves free will). for a lot of the series, damen and laurent are in constant disagreement about which of them is morally worse—damen thinks laurent is worse because of the coercion and degradation, laurent thinks damen is worse, and therefore deserves the coercion and degradation, because damen is complicit in akielion slavery and killed his brother. but we as the reader start to realize, as the series goes on, that they're both right about some things, both wrong about other things, both hypocrites on occasion, both doing harm, both trying to help, both captors, and both captives.

from this, it would make sense to assume that captivity and submission are the problem here, and the story's thesis is that those concepts are always dishonorable. however, i don't think that's the point at all. i think capri is about the ways captivity and submission can be honorable, if actively chosen with the moral responsibility, complex thought, and emotional depth of a person with free will. after all, what are loyalty and integrity, if not freely-chosen emotional and intellectual captivity? what are vulnerability and attachment, if not physical and emotional submission freely given?

damen and laurent are both complicated people who do dishonorable things. however, in their own respective arcs and in their shared romantic plotline, they both come to understand the multifaceted nature of captivity and submission, and reclaim those concepts as sources of empowerment, healing, and positive change. it's the difference between damen being forced to submit to laurent as a slave in arles in book 1, and damen choosing to stay by laurent's side in book 2 as a man. it's the difference between laurent submitting to his uncle, being manipulated into vulnerability so he can degraded and abused, and submitting to damen, making himself vulnerable despite his trauma so he can be truly loved and cared for.

this isn't a fully formed thesis yet, but it's good to at least get it cooking. and i'm not trying to guess the author's intention as much as summarize my own succinct interpretation. there isn't, like, One Right Answer here, and i'm not setting out to read the author's mind.

but still, i dunno, man… i think i'm onto something. after all, we have these major arcs about damen realizing slavery is wrong and laurent struggling with submission, and yet both of them proudly choose to keep the cuffs. and in a more metatextual sense, the evolution of this story's genre and purpose (slavekink erotica -> whatever the fuck these books are) is not irrelevant. so i'll keep an eye on it, and hopefully come up with something solid by the end of the re-read. i unironically love the challenge of writing a succinct thesis, which is not the nerdiest thing i've ever said, but it's definitely in the top 5.

[ohmygillygoshoppler]

what are.... your headcannons for Epsilon and his people?? Ad Francis too??

oooooh! OOOOOOH! FINALLY!!! MY THEORIES!!! IVE BEEN DYING TO SHARE MY THEORIES!!!

loooooooooong post lmao. Heads up-

Okay okay okay, so I had a few questions about these people when I first started watching the show a gazillion years ago; like how many more of The People are there? How do their numbers work? Are they all clones, or just the Epsilons? How do they do what they do in their universe? Who the fuck do they work for? And why are things the way they are?

I have more questions than answers, but I will say that brainstorming about it has been so much fun~ So lemme just break this down as best as I can-

I personally headcannon that only the Epsilons are cloned from each other, every other agent is someone they either recruited through traditional means, taken from childhood or from birth, or cajoled into service as a form of punishment. We all know how easy it would be to pluck a few promising young birds from some orphanage somewhere; unnoticeable, unwanted, and untraceable to the masses, an organization like The People would jump on the opportunity, I think.

Okay, now for my individual agents, I have only a few things I've actually put to pen about them. Don't you just love having blank slate character to project all of your bullshit onto? I do!

Firstly, I have Irene which i'll be real, she's my fave Green Man to draw. She's.... so pretty... To me....

Her stoicism is linked directly to her environment. When she's on the clock, she one of the most precise, cunning, cutthroat agents around. But the split second she has the okay to relax, she's relaxed.

Her detail is a saboteur, so she is the one disarming traps, disabling security systems and breaking shit up so she and her People can get their jobs done. That being said, she likes to tinker, and can make even the nastiest, most beaten up and abandoned forest can come back to life-

She is insightful, observant and sometimes even playful. She just hides it under a perpetual frown. I was also thinking she would have some affectionate feelings toward Francis, as she's known him all his life , and adored Simone. I imagine Irene and Francis are kind of like siblings with a huge age gap.

Next up, my man Io, a former Hunter who since kicks it with The People after an incident in the 90's. He, along with Epsilon and Simone worked with the Secret Scientists to create a vaccine against lycanthropy. He's been an invaluable asset to The People ever since.

Io has special knowledge on medicine and even alchemy, occasionally making passing remarks about an old colleague that could turn wood chips to gold shavings. He also has a vast knowledge in matters of supernatural sicknesses and possessions. He has a bit of a morbid fascination with it, even going as far as to try and give himself pestilences only for the sake of further research.

I think he'd be pretty neutral about Francis, seeing as how it's not ease accepting some kid to be your new boss. At the same time, he knows where he is, so Io does what he can to keep their relationship strictly professional. However, in light of... recent events, he may be spending more one on one time with his fellow agents; more so than he's used to. We might learn more about him later...

And now WOOOOOOO, GRANDPAAA!!! LETS GOOOOOO!!!!! No, but for real, Agent Rohan is the oldest agent here, pushing 65, and he's still out here taking orders from Epsilon and making moves with The People, all the while fighting vampires, befriending warewolves, tricking the fae and dealing with alien incursions of every sort. He's up there in "Spooky Levels of Competence" with Simone and Grandpa Max, like, this man has seen some shit.

Rohan likes hunting, fishing, shooting, and camping out in the middle or asscrack nowhere. You know, old man stuff. He's the good kind of Boomer, ya know?

And he's still just a chill Old Man who just wants to retire to a secluded cabin in the woods with his Dog (not a dog, not a dog-) and live out his sunset years like a regular American man.

Fuck you, I know Agent Mccabe divorced his ass (they were never married lmao) but sometimes when they're together it feels like nothing's changed. Then they look into each other's eyes and remember how they've hurt each other oh fuck-

Epsilon is an extremely reserved and extremely stifled man, so much so that he stifles everyone around him. He believes that order and routine are the ways to maintain a safe and normal lifestyle, and so many times he is proven right. So much so he allowed himself to be tricked into letting his dearest friend leave for outer space.

He is a, "By any means necessary," type of man to a fault. Ruthless, calculating, and by any sense of the word, the Perfect Agent. Nothing phases him, it seems. However, there is something there, a reason he instills instant obedience and zero hesitation, and I think we can all find that out... together....

Here cooooomes the boyyy~ 💖✨✨ my boy, my baby; Francis.

Hahahaaaa, this one thing soooo highly of himself, hahahahaa~~ Ohhh, thats so cute. I love him for that. I will break him. He will know humility.

You know what happens when someone with no moral compass is thrown into the most fucked up situation? They find that compass, and they fucking use it. The boy must learn, and there wasn't enough time in the show to teach him. Now's my chance-

Speaking of, his Foolhardy Father taught him that thinking for himself was the wrong thing to do, and after Morrigan, he has to start thinking out of the box because there was never a protocol for this...

Also..... I know the fact he's a clone hurts him, like, we saw that shit in The Unblinking Eye, fuckin he hates following Epsilon's orders but what the fuck else is he gonna do? What else is there, this is what he was made for, right? He seems like the perfect guy for a character arc, and it kills me that he didn't get one.

I want him to learn to be his own person. Kinda want em all to figure out what their lives are, since they could all be butchered at any moment and only their killers would mourn them.

Speaking of Killers....

Miss Morrigan Monroe

"Whaaaaat?!?!" I heard you gawking, "Your Evil Bitch™ is with The People?!?! How???" And I'll give you the diss-

next post, this bitch is already so long. But just know, she knew the OG Epsilon and they fucking DO NOT VIBE.

She is hundreds of years old, has profound beef, and the shits on site, so sorry Epsilon. That's what you get for the sins of your father, Get fucked, I guess.

I know she's bad, but she's meant to be vapid, petty, recalcitrant, repugnant and deranged, mean and clever and scary beyond all reason- You know, the perfect woman, lmao. (I dont AT ALL condone the shit shes done or is gonna do but like, its gonna be nasty 😈😈😈😈)

[struggle-but-its-all-ocean-floor]

I'm conflicted because on the one hand, jungkook is a grown ass educated man, so like io want to believe he was heavily involved in such decisions and made each one with careful consideration, but on the other hand scooter is an exploitative piece of shit (literally all his biggest artists, including JB who jungkook seems to really look up to) have mysteriously left him this year and all announced within hours apart. This doesn't even go into what that man did to TS, and now he has his hands all over JK's entire solo debut, singles and album alike?

and this whole partnership is Bang PD's fucking idea to prioritise the US and and pop songs?

Are they making Jungkook the face of this new strategy (which is purely for business reasons and not at all for art/music) while the man gives all the credit to a white dude?

and no one is concerned by Jungkook's solo career being placed in the hands of a guy like Scooter?

Like does JK understand all this weirdness but knows how to handle two billionaire companies using him and his talents, or is he interested din the vibes and the kind of music he likes so he's just rolling with it, because it also helps him achieve his dream, of being a global poster outside of just Kpop?

sorry I don't know how to word this but scooter being this involved with any of them (but obviously specifically jungkook now) is kind of concerning and I'm just like...where is this headed?

because it could either be a great success and remain a success and jk could flourish with a solo career targeted at America (since bang pd said that's the focus now) and then also be part of bts

or this is just temporary,

or it'll be a big success but big controversies will follow in the future because scooter is a shitty man.

I just hope regardless, jungkook doesn't face any bullshit from either company.

This is so weird, and also, it gets me thinking about golden. The description of golden makes it sound like a personal album, but it's not looking to be like that now?

Like it feels like scooter lost all his biggest artists and is now trying to use JK's (and bts') fame and loyal fanbase and extreme talent to continue what he was doing before.

I hope JK knows what he's doing and this doesn't hurt him in any way.

This whole thing is so disappointing and just shady.

I don't know how to address your concerns because I'm not sure I fully understand them. I don't know much about SB, but I remember seeing he stopped being JB, Ariana's, etc. manager to focus on Hybe America, but was still involved in their careers in another way? I'm not sure it's true that they all left him. I also read fans say his days are counted and that all he has is Hybe America now.

I don't know. From JK's perspective, this album is a one-off thing. It's a chance for him to do the kind of music he's only enjoyed and probably dreamed of making, to live out his pop boy fantasies, to try different genres outside of kpop. It's his chance to show he's the golden maknae everyone says he is, but also to show that he's not just a maknae. I doubt Jungkook is thinking of a big solo career separate from BTS. Like he said recently, chapter 2 is all about BTS and their future together.

I don't think what SB wants or hopes to achieve with Jungkook is any of his concern. He could be doing a lot more US promo or throwing big concerts in the US, but he just did a few radio shows and performances in the US, performed on Music Bank and Inkigayo and is throwing a small concert in SK. I'm not sure he's being used or manipulated, not in the sense that we can be sure he's actually doing something or feeling pressured to do stuff he doesn't want. Tbh, we have no way of knowing. Maybe he's "using" SB too, since he loved Seven so much and wanted more songs like Seven. He's also said he doesn't care about writing the lyrics or songs himself, though I know in the future he'll want to prove his songwriting skills, just like right now he's trying to prove his performing and leading artist abilities. This album is his first challenge and he's focusing on trying different things outside kpop and seeing how far he can go on his own. His second challenge might be to do an album from scratch himself.

I mean, the reality is that BTS have always been pawns. They're Hybe's cash cow, occasional puppets to the SK government, used by the US for clout, etc. That is their reality and at this point I think they're used to navigating it, taking what they need and ignoring everything else, only looking foward. That's the BTS wat.

I don't want to doompost about SB. I don't like his involvement because I wanted Jungkook to be more involved in Golden, and for the record to tell his story which doesn't seem to be the case, and because I don't trust that man's taste. I wasn't particularly worried about JK being used. I'm trusting JK, but maybe I'm being naive. Maybe the things he's been saying are what he's been led to believe and he actually has a lot of doubts underneath. I don't know... I'll assume the best since I trust JK (though sadly not his taste lately). But I understand your skepticism and disappointment. Literally no one likes SB and Jungkook is joining forces with him...

Thanks for the ask!

[antiloreolympus]

8 Anti LO Asks

1. It doesn’t really make sense for a long term comic such as LO to have such a drastic change in the artstyle, and even more you can’t really call it an improvement when all the interesting parts of the art style are now gone and all that it is now it’s just some basic same-face and body art style with barely any backgrounds. RS is incredibly talented for illustrative artwork and it’s really a shame she’s not doing that anymore and instead has left it to her team, with leaving them very messy sketches. The artstyle in the beginning had life and glamour and now it’s just very dull and boring. That’s not an improvement

2. I genuinely can’t think of any man in LO that’s even half way decent. Poseidon maybe? Hephaestus? Those are the only two I can manage, meanwhile the rest are either Rachel purposely ruining them because of her own biases (Zeus, Apollo, Thanatos to an extent) or are “good” men who are just creeps who disrespect all the women around them and are super creepy and obsessed over a literal teenager who acts like a child (Hades, Ares, Hermee, Eros, etc). The women aren’t much better either. 

3. About Perse making Hades childish: (this is no way defending him, just some speculation, and tbh I doubt that RS has thought this through haha) I wonder if he becomes a horny teenager around her because she’s a goddess of fertility? Would that have any affect on him? Doesn’t excuse his creepy ass behavior, but could explain it a bit, I guess?

4. Okay so I'll be honest I dont really see any reason to 'simp' over Any of the LO characters?

Also, not to start sh*t, but - I think part of the reason why some of the LO fandom does not like Zeus (and perhaps gives Hera more leeway - at least in terms of cheating) is because:

Mythologically Zeus is a known cheater / rapist (Io for example, or Semele)

They see Hera cheating a Zeus as okay (its not) because he's been known to cheat on her in the past / fans see Hera cheating on Zeus with Hades as 'justified revenge' for what he's (Zeus) put her through

I'll be honest I dont really see Zeus (or Hades for that matter) as good rulers because

Despite other deities (like Eros) doing 'acts of wrath' - they get away with it because they often have someone to back them up (like Aphrodite offering to sleep with Zeus to get her son out of trouble) - but the one time Persephone does something wrong (an act of wrath) - Zeus wants to give her the Prometheus treatment - mainly so he can feel like an in control king whos subjects respect him

The reason this sound so odd is because of RS writing choices. Zeus is a grade A d*ck who is willing to destroy a 'young girls promising career' because she made 1 mistake that one time. But at the same time the act of wrath is framed oddly because Demeter doesn't want her daughter to get in trouble so she covers it up (its like the equivalent of hiding a murder from the cops).

Zeus wanting to Prometheus Kore seems overly harsh because she is a Child. (Well a teenager) - so it adds to the "Zeus is a d*ck" card, because she doesnt have the life experience to "get away with" stuff like the other deities because she is young AND sheltered.

Like again, the whole concept of Human Laws applying to Gods is so confusing:

Would Zeus have been this harsh if Demeter had simply come forward in the first place about Persephone's murder rampage? Why did she blackmail / get other deities involved to cover it up? Is Zeus THAT much of a d*ck in Demeters eyes that she knows he would harshly punish a child for something "she didnt mean to do" (killed mortals based on a feeling?)

Why is there a motherf*cking trial in the first place? Do All the other deities get the right to a fair trial or is this a special case? (Like can any deity just offer to sleep with Zeus and he'll let them off the hook?). If the other deities had commited the same crime would the trial / punishment be the same or does Zeus just have a rage boner because he was lied to? If thats the case then why are the other deities taking Persephones side during the trial? (Ares I can maybe understand cause hes the God of War and stuff but everyone else is taking Perse's side because their either her personal friend or family member (Hecate, Hermes, Demeter, Hades etc).

Why are there certain laws like "Zeus cant get to Persephone because she has clemency in the underworld" but other deities - including Leto, Demeter and others (like Perse's nymph family) can just stroll into Hades house? Why is Hermes still on house arrest? Why are Hades + Persephone throwing a house party when shes on trial for scythe crimes??!!!

Why are the gods bound by such petty squabbles?

The way RS set up the governing "laws" in universe just doesnt make a whole lotta sense. Also, sorry this got ramblely.  

5. Tbh i don’t think that Hades acting differently when he’s with Persephone is a bad thing, as a concept. But there are many issues with this such as the fact that Persephone is barely legal and Hades act like an actual child around her. Obviously when you’re with someone they are going to act different than they do when they are at work. The problem is that Hades essentially goes from the “cold-scary king” to a 17 year old hormonal boy when he’s with Persephone. And him making out with her in a middle of a store or them golfing with diamonds or him making out with Persephone again in front of his workplace is not exactly acceptable behaviour from a king. If Hades acts all lovey-dovey with Persephone when their at their home together it’s different, but when they’re at a public place they can’t really do that. I would say that he has to keep a status about him but from what we’ve seen all the citizens of the underworld hate him and don’t respect him at all, from yelling at him to actually fighting with him, so idk how much status there is actually attached to him 

6. I swear, the majority of the “cute” HxP moments in LO just seem like a single father dealing with his hyperactive 8 year old over the supposed future intimidating rulers who Rachel is obsessed about talking and drawing their sex life. Is it really that hard to depict Persephone even acting like a smart teenager at the very least, as opposed to an airhead grade schooler? It doesn’t scream cute to me, it seems more like a father/daughter relationship. It’s just weird. 

7. i mean, i have a LO oc who's persephone's brother (fertility god) between demeter and zeus. dude got thrown into tartyrus to cover up the affair and now serves cronus. he was the god of summer, and my reasoning was demeter's seasons/harvest + summer thunderstorms. wrote a whole minific i will never post about him and persephone realizing everyone around them are assholes and healing together. so the mistress-of-zeus oc isnt that weird.

8. I’m not a Zeus stan by any means, but I do find him one of the most interesting characters, and one that RS has, in her attempts to make him be the worst ever to make Hades look better, actually way more interesting and compelling than the majority of the cast. He doesn’t lie or whine to the audience he’s some good person like Hades when he’s not, he owns that he’s a dick and doesn’t bullshit the audience into thinking he’s someone he’s not. RS tries to show us he’s a “bad” king, yet we see no proof it beyond what, he wants to uphold the law P broke and doesnt kiss Hades’ butt? That’s not a bad king, it’s a good one that he doesn’t let family ties or lust cloud his judgement, unlike Hades or Hera, for example. I don’t condone his cheating either, but it’s not fair to hate him for it, but love it that Hades cheated on Minthe so he could get into a teenager’s skirt and praise Hera for sleeping with her brother in law while punishing Zeus’ mistresses because she’s being a fake “loyal” wife. Just because he’s a deeply flawed, even a bad person doesn’t make him a bad character. Hades and Hera and even Persephone are awful people who do worse than Zeus, yet they’re loved and praised for it, all while being written with the depth of a puddle. 

[strangetownsayit]

ok so um.......... .. . . ..

 i had a really bad time, went crazy and deleted all my maurice fics. Yes I have them in my notes and if someone wants them, I can send them to them, but still. i no longer feel confident about You Don’t Own Me and To a Happier Year.

but i feel bad and guilty bc then i remembered someone who left a very nice comment in my fic. maybe ill rewrite everything and publish it again, but not today and certainly not tomorrow. so ill explain my outline for the two fanfics cus i already had a ending in mind

before anything-- do i plan to write more maurice fanfic? the answer is yes. i hyperfixate very hard on maurice so ill never stop, but ill try not to make it public till i trust my bilingual capacities

 so, You Don’t Own Me

Percival Darsey is a young man who spend time in Penderleigh’s after having an encounter with Anne in the village next to Penge. He becomes Clive’s pupil bc of Anne’s desire, and so Percival bounces between them (wanting clive’s attention, then wanting anne’s)

Clive doesn’t really care about Percy’s attraction to Anne, bc he was sure it was silly love-at-first sight stuff. It was supposed to be explained later that Percy was really naive when it came to love. I actually had some dialogue written in my phone’s notes app to show how percy views were when it came to love and how easy it was for him to fall in love:

“I can’t do nothing but leave it to take me, Mr. Durham”, said Percy gently, with his back resting against the black slate of the roof; the light rays of sun --whose bright, blinding face was hiding behind clouds-- were worth coming the next day. “When someone smiles back at me, when someone touches my shoulder to get me out of the way, when they wish me a good day; I fall in love too easily, with many people. Approximately five times a day.”

“Many people?”, Clive laughed. “You mean, many women.”

Percival contemplated the sky a while.

“No,” he finally said, “many people.”

 Percival was supposed to be Clive’s opposite: excited about loving and be loved in return, excited to be discovered and being so happy with himself, he can barely hide it.

But when Percival got infatuated with a man, an acquaintance of Clive, Clive started to snap, to wander, to ask questions he could’ve never asked before. But Percival had nothing to hide anyways, and this would make Clive distant

Resume: with time Percival would’ve become closer and closer to anne’s circle, and thus he would’ve grown tired and exhausted. Bc Percival is autistic, and he has very little spoons (a metaphor about being autistic), meeting new people every day, being dragged to social compromises and being treated as some sort of servant that these rich ppl needed for entertainment, he would’ve suffered a meltdown and avoid Pendersleigh for a while

But bc Percy is not dumb, he would’ve returned bc he needs to eat, and bc of his neurodivergence he couldn’t keep jobs that were mostly aimed to neurotypicals. So when he came back, he decided to stay in Clive’s side. He found comfort in his cases cus all he needed to do was ignore Clive and sleep and little lol. And so this was supposed to be the first step to develop their relationship: Clive being interested in percy now that he has discover Percy likes men as well, Percival feeling drawn to Clive. They get to know each other and eventually, they fall in love.

But ofc everytime Clive perceives a hint of flirt, he panics and back off, bc hes an I—HSHFS- NOO- WAIT—LMAO DLFAOF—IM SO SHY--- gay, and Percy is a ;)) bisexual, so they keep flirting a good part of my outline.

But then BOOm I planned Mrs Hall to visit clive. And so clive wouldve remembered everything with Maurice, feel bad, and reject percival once for all. Percival cries a lot and anne thinks he is sick bc he has an uncontrollable sobbing, but then he escapes again

Clive has some awful months and Anne notices. She knows, but at the same time, she doesn’t: she knows Percy and Clive had a cute dynamic and relationship, she knows they loved each other, but she cant notice the homoerotism they had, and so she goes on looking for percival

I shpuld add that even tho I didn’t outlined this, there was a subplot exploring Anne’s bisexuality. I was working on how to do it when I deleted the fanfic

She finds Percival and discovers that he lied this whole time: his real name is Daniel Darcy, son of Mrs. Darcy, a middle-class woman who fell in disgrace after her husband escaped with his lover. It is revealed that Percival has many brothers and is the youngest of all, being 22. It is also revealed that he have been running away from home and coming back since he was twelve. His mother openly talks shit about Percy and it is hinted that Percy is a  Bastard, a product of a love affair.

There was a silly joke I had in my notes app:

“Many years ago, Mr. Darcy ran away from us, in the gay nineties”, he spat, struggling with laughing and bitterness. “Gay, my mother hates the word, just like she hates me and everything that is stunning.”

Then Anne wouldve told Percival about Clive but he wouldve stop her and ask her to go. But he wouldve return to penge a few weeks later cus he a dumbass who doesn’t value himself. Then he and clive wouldve kissed in the rain while he sees percy in the darkness of the night at penge’s garden, but then percy wouldve been like “lol bye” bc he just wanted to let clive know that he loved him too and that he would be back in the morning.

Fluffy ffluffy fluffy flufly

Then BOOM Maurice makes an appearance, telling clive everything about what happened with kitty, then asking for money lmao so he and alec can look for another place, and he tells clive that didn’t anywhere else to go. At fisrt Clive says no but then percy manages to persuade him into helping Maurice, who is surprised to see Clive with a man. Clive and Maurice have a nice chat, clive apologizes and cries and then the next day Clives calls Risley and cries too and say something like sorry I wasn’t there for you yoy didn’t deserved to go through that and it was so unfair, and then he -in  a very subtle way- apologizes to anne. And thus Clive is clean of guilt

But then Clive and Percival have a fight bc he wants to participate in Clive’s life but Clive refuses. Angsty angsty angsty. Percival reveals he was promised by his mother his part of the heritage if he married and became a proper gentleman. He tells clive he will accept his mother offer if clive keeps being ashamed of him

Clive wants to be with percival but he sees himself in another drama, so he does what is easier: letting Percival go.

But percival didn’t expected that shit to happen ?? as extra as he is, he thought clive wouldve comfort him and kiss him. .. .. . . .

Bc he doenst know anywhere else to go, and doesn’t want to get married and hates his mom and he would hate it if he became clive, he goes with Maurice and Alec CUS HE WANTS THEM TO BE HIS DADS ¿’¿’’93 me too bitch get in the line

So advices advices advices. Percival has a clearer mind and he runs his way up to penge

So kisses kisses kisses, he and Clive are in love nd stuff. JUMP TIME, Maurice and alec live in France and they are Percy’s and Clive’s neighbors. Anne is looking for adventures and kisses many women and many men. Everyone is happy YAY I can cope

TO A HAPPIER YEAR

Ok I am a little tired I want to sleep jdswiow io

So Clive’s durham first love. Fluffly fluffly fflufy

It cover events during the movie (clive being tired of bullshit after Christmas vacs).

Bc clive is an asshole, he ignores Quinn (his first love and stuff]) and quinn wants to know why he is being pushed aside and why is clive so distant. But then he discovers it and wish clive luck

JUMP TIME they are both in their 36 and clive is miserable during a trip in Italy. They both meet during said trip, reconnect romantically,  and HAPPY YEAR YES EVERYTHING IS HAPPIER THE YEARS HAPPY ENDING WHATEVer. I swear it is cuter Im just very sleepy now lol

[yourdailyqueer]

Can you not with the Johnny Depp please? Apart from the Amber Heard issue for now, he's still possibly violent - accused of attacking crew members + his bodyguards attacking people - and he still played a Native American character while claiming to be Native American, which was denied by Native Americans. Seeing on wiki now he was also in a band called Tonto's Giant Nuts????? and even in 2019, his Sauvage adverts were pulled for racism and cultural appropriation.

I’m not a Heard fan - there’s a ridiculous Heard v Depp thing online when that should not be the issue - so I don’t know about her. Though google ‘Misinformation Campaign #JusticeForJohnnyDepp Proves We Still Don’t Believe Survivors.’ But if Depp was abused, that doesn’t make his other violence and racism okay. I still feel uncomfortable seeing his face used for fun, or in talk about racism, which I hope he doesn’t have to be posted when he isn’t queer anyway.

I don’t know where to start with this so I will start with what I know and that is Amber Heard (AH) Vs Johnny Depp (JD). Sorry followers for bringing the discourse to the blog but here we are. Most of this stuff will be under read more to save it clogging up the dash etc.

Oh and just to be clear. This doesn’t mean JD may have been a shit husband/boyfriend etc at one point or another and for all we know they could both be toxic, but I am going by evidence provided to the courts which is under oath. We will know more details over the coming months.

What are known facts:

Edit - Added more stuff since 12th Feb, screenshots under read more.

All of JD’s previous girlfriends and his ex wife have stated JD is not a violent man who would be abusive. (link)

I have listened to nearly two hours of voice conversations between the two (link) and AH admits she was violent towards him and JD towards the end of one conversation left the room because he couldn’t handle her shit anymore.

AH threw something at JD meaning part of his finger was cut off and had to go to hospital. (not providing image cos ew)

AH’s witnesses/friends to said above event (or another event I am not totally sure) have inconsistencies and IO (post on this blog) has even edited or deleted certain social media posts to make it look like they were in New York rather than LA.

On day of announcing divorce (I think) AH showed bruises on face, yet people who live in that apartment building had never seen her with bruises.

There is so much more but I really don’t feel like wasting my time trying to write everything out when there is literal evidence on Youtube, court website showing documents available and Google.

Regarding his band and movie he did portraying a Native American:

I can’t really discuss this i’m afraid because I don’t feel it is my place as a white person to discuss something I have little knowledge on. I also don’t want to speak over Native American’s. There is no information about name origination of the band online and he or other band members may think it was just a cool name. ???

Same goes for that advert.

Has violent tendencies

I know the dude has had issues in the past but I don’t think those issues should be matched with domestic abuse. He admits on record that he would rather walk away than get into a confrontation. He’s nearly 60 so I think he may have grown as a person? Like that can happen. Again it’s not something I can discuss because I don’t know enough about it.

In summary

I acknowledge that Johnny Depp may be a problematic person for various reasons, but AH is a worse person for the above reasons, and possibly to…advance her career I suppose and take advantage of the #metoo movement. I also recognise that Johnny Depp and Captain Jack Sparrow are separate from each other. If you don’t like to see him on your dash then use blacklist, I will be tagging him as Johnny Depp tw. Just because JD is not queer doesn’t mean I can’t use him as a mascot.

Also i’m pretty sure Captain Jack Sparrow would have sex with anything or anyone for some rum or The Black Pearl.

This may be some rambling bullshit but there you go. Also @feminismandmedia wanted to be tagged in this so there you go.

Edit - I made this other private and now blocked the person but I did this post too.

[kokichis-dead-dove-club]

We been knew about ta/kash/iO; that user has been a piece of shit for years. I've been seeing their bullshit takes on my dash since like 2014 (why doesn't the blocklist keep users off my dash???), altho I wasn't specifically aware of the truscum stuff. Thanks especially for the heads-up about rainb/owlo/liofjustice, I'm fairly new to anti-anti circles and my nb ass isn't trying to boost transmeds even if they're "not involved in discourse". Hope you're otherwise having a nice night. ✨👋🏽

hell yeah man, thank u!! hope you’re havin a good night too!

[lethesomething]

The definitely not definitive otome guide

I sincerely doubt the world needs this, but that sort of thing has never stopped me before. Have an extremely biased guide of several dating sim games, organised by some arbitrary metrics.

Word of warning: this will be long (4k words), because I've played an embarrassingly large amount of otomes.

As a disclaimer: obviously this is a personal opinion. If you (as a lot of people do) enjoy the more forceful bad boy type in your dating sim, I’m not going to judge you. I, however, don’t, so this list is very specifically going to call out games for how they treat the protag.

Featured here: Amnesia: Memories,  Blood in Roses, Cutie Demon Crashers, Destined to Love, Dream Daddy, Hatoful Boyfriend, Hustle Cat,  Ikemen Revolution, Ikemen Sengoku, Lost Alice,  Midnight Cinderella,  Monster Prom, Mystic Messenger

A note on play styles.

These games come in a few flavours, which is important to know if you're gonna try them.

The vast majority of the mobile games here follow a basic visual novel structure. You pick a guy and read through the different chapters, and depending on your answers you'll be leaning toward one of two or three endngs. Since these are free to play mobiles, there's a bunch of challenges you will need to log in daily to pass.  

Mystic Messenger is the main outlier, since it's a chat simulator that plays in real time.

The pc games tend to be more complex, with interlocking routes and more endings, generally. You'll need a number of skill points to meet character A for instance, or you'll need to do a series of actions to reach ending B.

  Great games

Ikemen Sengoku

Hands down one of the best mobile otomes out there right now. I found this when searching for pics of Masamune Date (from a different game) and I've sort of been obsessed with otomes since.

Platform: Android (free to play, pay for premiums) Story: MC gets sucked into a wormhole and finds herself 500 years back in time, in Sengoku era Japan. She drops in on the exact moment where Nobunaga Oda, the Demon King, would be assassinated at Honno-ji. She stops the murder, disrupts the timeline and now there's a bunch of hot warlords vying for her attention. Protagonist’s spine: Reinforced steel. This is one of my favourite protags, because she is Super Sassy and doesn't take shit, unless she's literally being threatened with a sword. The protags where I feel like I understand their actions are few and far between, but this is one of them. Except when she goes far beyond mere bravery to get her man, and decides to forgo tampons and, like, wifi, to live 500 years in the god damn past. Squick factor: Low. This game is made by Cybird, a company that appears very big on consent. The guys generally treat MC with respect, probably more than could be reasonably asked of a Sengoku warlord. The only worrying stuff happens in the Obvious Yandere route, but you kinda know what you're getting yourself into with that one.

The Good: I friggin love the writing for this game. The guys feel like real characters, there's a ton of interaction between them and I need to give this game extra points for the story events, which are almost invariably gold. This is where the makers stop giving a shit about realism and just go for what they want to write. There's ones where all the guys are suddenly idols, there's a Christmas episode, there's one where they battle through cooking and cleaning. It doesn't take itself serious, is what i mean, and it's Hilarious. The Bad: This is one where the in-game art (aside from the CG's) is actually not that great. Hideyoshi's smile is kinda weird looking and the models feel a little outdated at this point. Best Warlord: This is very difficult, because a lot of them are dreamy, but let's just say that I need a Mitsuhide route so very badly.

 Ikemen Revolution

The newest Cybird game and my current fave.

Story: MC falls down the rabbit hole when she tries to give a rushed White Rabbit man something he dropped. She ends up in Cradle/Wonderland, where war is about to break out between the Red and Black army, the Hearts and the Spades. Everyone is hot dudes and MC is considered Alice the Second (after the one from Through the Looking Glass). Squick factor: Low. Again: Cybird game. This means there is steamy situations and sex scenes, but they're blatantly consensual. The routes I've played so far keep well within the bounds of what I would consider romantic. Protagonist’s spine: Varnished wood.  In general MC is self-propelling with occasional bouts of bravery. You can tell why she's doing the things she's doing and how she reacts to situations feels sort of logical. She's hard-working and caring and a little naïve, but the fact that she's canonically a woman from early 19th Century London does put a lot of her actions in perspective (like the amount of bullshit she puts up with).

The Good: The writing is fun. There's a good mix of angst and just… general comedy. The characters interact with each other a lot, and it feels like they're a big loud family, especially in the Black Army, which is more like a frat than anything else. The art is also decent. The backgrounds are utterly gorgeous and most of the guys are very good looking. When I first started the game I was weirded out by the blinking animation, but I have since gotten used to that. The Bad: I found some of the plot rushed. Like you spend so long slow burn growing toward each other, and then suddenly stuff has to happen action movie style because we're running out of chapters. The final chapters of Fenrir's route were just plain dumb. Like could that BE more of an obvious trap. Come on MC, I expected better of you. Also, since this is a very new game, not that many routes are out (four at the time of writing). Best boy: Hooo man. Of the routes that are out, Ray is very… oooof. But my fave chars are probably 'so done' Sirius (the fact that he's voiced by Suwabe has nothing to do with this, surely) and 'also quite done' Kyle, who is both a doctor and an alcoholic wreck of a human being.

 Mystic Messenger

You know Mystic Messenger, it's like one of the biggest otome's of the past few years.

Platform: Android, iOS (free to play, pay for extra saves and stuff) The Story: MC follows a text message to a weirdly high tech apartment and this somehow puts her in the position of party planner for a secretive group of weird people. It only gets more complicated from there. The game plays out in real time, via chat conversations and the occasional story segment. Squick factor: Um. I personally wasn't weirded out, but I also decided very specifically not to play Jumin's route. This girl did her research. The routes in Another Story are also very over the top and would probably bug me. While I love the Saeran character, I don't think I'd be able to handle that route. So: highly dependent on chosen route. Protagonist’s spine: Adderall. It takes a specific kind of person to download a chat app and follow the instructions given by a random stranger therein. It takes a much stranger person to sit in an apartment with a bomb and just keep inviting people to a party. MC is on a different level from us mortals.

The Good: I loved the game mechanic, because it felt very real. The player is following a chatroom, just like the character is. Besides that, the story is completely bonkers and I appreciate that. The Bad: Did I mention it plays in real time? Because it plays in real time, meaning you get chat conversations at two in the morning. I was very sleep deprived when I played this. Best boy: 707. Dude is funny and deep and hot and relatable and smart and I want to give him all the hugs.

 Dream Daddy

One of the few decidedly mlm games I've played so far. You've probably heard of it since it was the subject of much hype and much controversy. Markiplier played it. Friggin Buzzfeed has video's on it.

Platform: PC and Mac (it's on Steam) The Story: MC is a Dad who moves into a neighbourhood with a lot of other single(-ish) dads. Time to work it. Squick factor: Low. This is primarily a humour game: there's a ton of dad jokes and silly mini games, and a distinct lack of kabe don's. The canon routes are all very thoughtful. Protagonist’s spine: Barbecued sausage. Player Dad just goes for it. He’s flexible and caring enough to handle the more sensitive subjects, and self aware enough to deal with random crime and weird drunks.

The Good: I remember opening this game and, in the character creation screen, telling a trans friend of mine 'omg you can wear binders', and the sheer Glee of his reaction. That's the kinda stuff this game was, partly, made for and it is appreciated. I really liked the tongue-in-cheek writing, most of the jokes landed and the whole thing is just a lot of fun. The Bad: Some of the minigames are annoying. Why the hell are you making me play Bejeweled with fish? I also had a hard time sympathizing with some of the kids. I mean… Lucien straight up tries to murder someone? Ernest is 'rebellious' but he's also an ass. Best dad: Damien has the best route, but have you Seen Mat? Holy moly.

 Not worth it games

Amnesia: Memories

This game should come with a friggin warning, so I'm giving it here. Its popularity and star rating is a terrible indicator for how much you may enjoy this game. It presents itself as a cute dating sim with gorgeous art, but it devolves into straight up horror, and not in the good way. This feels like a guidebook written in the 1800's to tell young women their place. Not even mortified intrigue could make me finish this. 

Platform: PC (Steam or Google Play) and PlayStation Vita Story: MC wakes up with amnesia. Someone hurt her and she doesn't know who to trust. You'll need to figure out what happened. Squick factor: Super high. Like… so high.  Everyone treats MC like shit and she just lets it happen, even developing all kinds of Stockholm Syndrome as she falls in love with these asshats. MC's childhood friend supposedly loves her but is such a tsun and just… doesn't communicate while also treating her like a small child. One of the other characters is so popular he has a fucking harem but MC is just supposed to wait for him to actually fall in love with her. And don't even get me started on that friggin yandere. *shudders* Even the secret route 'true love' character is a million types of wrong. Protagonist’s spine: Undercooked custard. MC has the self preservation skills of a wet sponge and whoever is playing this is supposed to get turned on by high concept ideas of S&M that are just written out so badly everything feels like an abusive relationship.

The Good: *sigh* The art. The art is very pretty (I'm upset at the art since it sucked me into the horror). Also, as a visual novel, this one is complex as all hell. There's a ton of endings  (most of them deadly) depending your actions as a player. It's vast, is what I'm saying. Also, I hear the clover route isn't as bad as some of the others, but I was too weirded out to try. The Bad: See rant. This is one of those games that really seems to glorify the whole possessive, abusive boyfriend shtick, but it's ok because he loves you, really. Ugh. Just… ugh. Best boy: Kent? I guess? He doesn't appear to be actively abusing MC at least.

 Shall we date: Lost Alice

I wondered if I should include this because I literally played like ten chapters  and then deleted it, but that in itself should give some indication.

Platform: Android (free to play, in-app premium purchases) Story: MC wakes up in the forest with amnesia (I see a trend). Turns out she's in Wonderland and everyone thinks she's Alice. Most of Wonderland's characters are, predictably, hot men. Squick  factor: Unavailable. I didn't play far enough to see but some of the men are quite pushy and also it's a Shall we date app, so… tread carefully. Protagonist’s spine: Cement. This is an MC that puts up a fight, which I respect. Sadly she does so in that 'needlessly aggressive' way that anime characters sometimes have. I didn't find her particularly sympathetic.

The Good: The art. It's always the art that gets me. The Bad: The UI annoyed the shit out of me. This is a free to play, pay for premiums game, so some level of mindless clicking is expected if you try to play for free. This one had just too much. There was friend greeting and picture rating and princess lessons and got knows what else, all taking a ton of time. Trying to get to the home page popped up at least four different 'now on sale' screens every single time. The writing wasn't good enough for me to deal with that. Best boy: Well there’s a cat. So.

 Decent games

Hustle cat

This game is set in a cat café, that was all the encouragement I needed to buy it.

Platform: PC (Steam) Story: MC is invited to take a job at a cat café. Turns out everyone in the café is cursed, and also they're into you. Squick factor: Almost non-existant. This is a very tumblr friendly game in the sense that your love interests are both male and female, and none of them are particularly pushy. The relationships feel pretty natural and mostly consist of MC helping their love interest with some subquest. Protagonist’s spine: Cucumber. MC is actually pretty cool. The game does that 'modern western game' thing where you get to pick a gender and a skin colour for your protag and the general atmosphere is 'tongue in cheek'. MC doesn't let people walk over them, but they're generally helpful.

The Good: CATS. The premise of this game is pretty neat. The Bad: According to Steam I played this five months ago, and I pretty much forgot about it. Fun game but not particularly memorable. Best cat: Landry. Tall, gentle giants are a particular weakness.

 Shall we date: Blood in Roses

This is me giving Shall we Date another shot, because the amount of hot mildly medieval boys was intriguing.

Platform: Android (free to play, in-app premiums) Story: There's two, because this app has been around for a while and now has two 'seasons'. The Witch stumbles upon a supposedly abandoned castle and gets imprisoned there by a bunch of vampires. The Hunter, meanwhile, seeks out the castle because she wants to stop an attack on her village. Both come to realize that the castle is now a hotel for monsters, and that its denizens are both not what they imagined, and also hot. Squick factor: Highly dependent on route. The Witch literally starts in a jail cell, so you can imagine the Stockholm Syndrome shit that goes down. Also, this is a personal preference, but I'm really weirded out by a lot of blood play stuff so most of the vampire routes are gonna be… problematic. Shall we Date games don't shy away from sex scenes and I like that, but coupling them with drinking blood 'to get in the mood' is a rather specific niche. The game does offer a number of other options for you to court, from werewolves to wizards and… grim reapers? It's a mixed batch. If you're not into pushed boundaries I can offer one tip: stay away from the vampires. Protagonist’s spine: Sand cookie. She has one, but it's brittle. I've mostly played Hunter routes and it's like… she tries, and she can take care of herself but she also tolerates more bullshit than necessary, ya know.

The Good: The art is good, and some of the storylines are intriguing despite my reservations. I'm still playing it (mostly in a quest to find a good ending where MC doesn't die to become a weird immortal creature).  The UI, while annoying, isn't as bad as Lost Alice's, or so it seems. The Bad: The writing is very hit or miss. There's routes where the guy just sort of lowkey stalks MC, until she suddenly decides she's incredibly in love with him. There's others  that make even less sense, and then there's ones that feel more natural. In general, MC's actions don't  seem to have a lot of thought put into them. Best boy: So far: Gordon. He's cute and sensible and tortured and not incredibly antagonistic.

 Midnight Cinderella

You'll notice a friggin ton of Cybird games on here.

Platform: Android (free to play, premium purchases) Story: MC gets, mostly by accident, chosen to be the Princess of Wysteria. As such she must prepare to govern the country when the king dies, and choose a consort from a number of suitors. Squick factor: Low. Not only are these men respectful of her, they're rather literally treating her like royalty. Having said that, there is a lot of the typical hurtful tsun stuff going in several routes. Protagonist’s spine: Lightly done steak. There's something weird going on with the protag in this game. When it comes to governing, she's tough as nails. She's thrown into a situation she wasn't ready for, and while this stresses her out 24/7, she performs admirably. On the other hand, her main reaction to literally anything when it comes to love is 'Oh'. She cries a lot, at times she feels like a wet rag. There's a bunch of situations she could have just solved by going 'Yeah I'm into you'. She's complex, I guess.

The Good: The writing, while melodramatic, is nice. The art is good as well. The Bad: This is an old game and it doesn't perform that well on my current-gen smartphone. Expect to push certain buttons several times before the game realizes what you're trying to do. Also the loading takes ages. Best boy: For me, Sid, because he reminds me of Aomine Daiki and I'm weak for that type of personality. As far as routes go, Leo's probably had the most impact on me.

 Destined to Love

I'll be honest, I started this because of an event in Ikemen Sengoku that would give me cross game storage. Don't judge me.

The Story: MC gets flung back in time (this is also a trend, it seems) to the 1800's, a few weeks before the Ikedaya incident will make the Shinsen-gumi a historic Legend. She meets, and chrams, a whole bunch of historical figures. Protagonist’s spine: Cured leather. As a modern woman sent back in time, MC is probably fairly sassy by the standards of the time, but she remains mostly polite. She's tough, considering the circumstances, but quite pliable in that 'we'll see where this goes and make the best of it' way. Squick factor: Low. There's one character that just screams 'red flag' but I have yet to try his route. Since this is a Cybird game, most of the guys are pretty respectful.

The Good: I really like the premise? As the title suggests, MC's love is part of a higher destiny, one that transcends time, and it's one of the reasons she has to go to friggin 1800's Japan. She has a hand in making history. This amuses me. Also, the guys are pretty good looking. The Bad: This is a fairly old mobile game and you can kinda tell. On a technical level it's not as bad as Midnight Cinderella, but again the touch buttons aren't always responsive. Besides that, some of the writing is rather clunkily translated and a bunch of the art is low res. Best Boy: I haven't played all the routes here, but Katsura is a god damn sweetheart, and Kyo and Yamazaki seem adorable AF.

 The weird: the special ones

Hatoful Boyfriend

The reason I know otome's exist. This one shot to meme status a few years back.

Platform: PC (it's on Steam) Story: MC is one of the last remaining humans after sentient birds took over the world. She gets enrolled into an elite school for pigeons. Squick factor: Medium to high. The major thing to understand about Hatoful is that on the surface it looks like a particularly silly dating sim with pigeons, but dig deeper and it is Also a full blown apocalyptic horror story. And it follows the genre where a wrong move gets MC horrifically killed. Having said that, several of the routes, including the god damn serial killer one, didn't bother me as much as something like Amnesia, because they were not sold as romantic. Maybe it's the whole pigeon thing, maybe it's the general weirdness of the plot, or maybe it is because said serial killer actually goes 'Surely you knew this would happen', before he guts you. Protagonist’s spine: Gummy bear. MC is highly forgettable, but therefore also like… not annoying. The main focus here is on uncovering the many layered plot and the player character doesn't really have a scripted personality, she just embodies the player's actions.

The Good: This whole game is so out there. There's a reason it became so popular. It's an Experience. The plot is over the top and intricate and Weird, and that makes it intriguing. There's a ton of routes and endings, some more secret than others. The 'human' version of some of these birds is kinda hot (sadly that includes the serial killer). The Bad: the plot is so weird and meandering that it's kinda hard to follow at times. I'm fairly certain it takes several guides to unlock all the endings. Best Birb: It's been a while, but I remember liking Yuuya's route quite a lot.

 Monster Prom

The new hype.

Platform: PC (Steam!) Story: MC is a student at Monster High, and is trying to get a date for Monster Prom with one of the hot people. Squick factor: None. I mean, nothing that happens here is in accordance to health and safety norms, but that's kinda the point. It's a parody game, making fun of all the hoops teenagers are willing to jump through to become popular. Protagonist's spine: Coagulated blood. MC is willing to make deals with demons, wear corpses as a hat, anything really. The question is very openly: what could I do to make them like me.

The Good: It's a funny game. I like the characters, who embody everything from the Mean Girl to the Hipster Nerd and the Needlessly Aggressive Jock. The art is simple, cartoon style, but pretty neat. The Bad: Everything is very tongue in cheek, which leaves it a little… light for my tastes. I don't feel like any of the routes matter in the grand scheme of things, MC hasn't truly touched anyone's heart. The whole thing is a joke game, so it's funny, but a bit shallow. Best monster: Polly, the permanently stoned party girl.

 Cute Demon Crashers

Technically a sex game? But a really very special one.

Platform: PC (free! Here!) Story: A portal opens in MC's house and four Incubi/Succubi drop through. To apologize for the inconvenience, while they wait for a portal back, they offer to teach MC about sex. Squick factor: I've written about this game before and the best thing, the very best thing about it is how incredibly consent-minded it is. Like, even if you're already in bed, getting it on, there's always an option to turn back and leave it at that. The demons are really just there to help MC find out what gives her pleasure. Protagonist’s spine: Rock. Obviously, MC is mildly upset about four random demons showing up. As mentioned before, what happens next is mostly up to the player.

The Good: It's free and the art is pretty and I love the premise. The Bad: Kinda short, but again: free. Cutest Demon Crasher: *cough* Orias *cough*

[theteaisaddictive]

"what a load of bullshit" for adelle?

aaaaaahhh sorry this took so long, have some bonus cogs/lumi/plumette (and just pretend that cogs is 1991 verse, not 2017, because otherwise it gets too weird)

[iOS]

ok so remind me again why i’m doing this??

because youre the bestest friend ever and you love me

ugh what a load of bullshit

fine i’m going in

pray for me adam. and pray for your fucking life if cogs ever finds out that you forgot to buy half the cake ingredients for lumi’s birthday. you’re lucky i was passing the tesco

yes i know belle, thank you again. i really don’t deserve you.

no prob, bob.

i just can’t believe i forgot the eggs. EGGS, BELLE. HOW COULD I FORGET.

well, OBVIOUSLY you DID, so….

cool cool cool. i deserve it.

[SNAPCHAT]

(a picture of belle picking up a carton of eggs and placing it in a wire shopping basket. the photographer has taken it from behind, the subject seemingly unaware she is being captured. caption: the eagle is in flight)

COGS: Wouldn’t a more appropriate caption be, ‘The Eagle is collecting eggs?’

PLUMETTE: got to agree with my boy

LUMI: i was in a hurry! do not judge my on-the-fly captions!

LUMI: anyway, get in positions, toute de suite! she’s heading towards the baking aisle to get the icing sugar, but after that it’s only a 5 minute walk to adam’s!

COGS: I still can’t quite believe that you’re sacrificing your birthday cake to get these two together

PLUMETTE: don’t worry, cogs, lumi knows what he’s doing. 

PLUMETTE: he sacrificed his 27th to get the three of us to finally admit we were in a relationship, after all. his track record’s not bad.

LUMI: 😍😍😍 MON AMOUR

COGS: When you put it like that, I suppose you have a point, Plumes

LUMI: 😍😍😍 MON COEUR

COGS: Ridiculous man.

COGS: X

PLUMETTE: get a room, boys

COGS: X’s for you, too, Plumes.

PLUMETTE: … . .

PLUMETTE: stuffy old pocket watch xxxx

LUMI: THE EAGLE IS PAYING FOR HER GROCERIES VIA THE SELF-SERVICE CHECKOUT COME ON PEOPLE WE HAVE ONLY GOT ONE SHOT AT THIS

[iOS]

+1 carton of eggs, +1 bag of icing sugar, -5 affection for adam

thank you so much!!!

cool, i’m coming over. if you forgot the eggs and didn’t even realise then i don’t trust you to make the rest of this cake by yourself

oh, ok. that’s really great of you, belle.

hey, buzz me up please, i’m outside

[SNAPCHAT]

COGS: Alright, she’s in the building. 

LUMI: mon amour, if you would?

PLUMETTE: but of course

[TWITTER]

@lostinabook so it looks like plans have changed for the super-secret surprise party. namely that it’s no longer a secret.

@lostinabook which means that my valiant efforts to go to tesco and get more eggs and icing sugar because SOMEONE forgot the key ingredients of a cake were for nothing!

@notavillagelass oh no, is everything ok??

@lostinabook @notavillagelass he’s not well, which is a massive shame. you only turn 29 once, after all. i think the plan is to just stay where i am and spend an evening with Cake Killer No 1, since it’s kind of late

@lostinabook @notavillagelass thanks for the concern, though! lumi’s birthday celebrations will just have to wait until he’s feeling a bit better.

@lostinabook in the meantime, there’s no reason i can’t make a cake anyway

[TEXT MESSAGING]

lumi.

lumi why is there so much shit on the spare room bed??

i’m still in the process of moving in with plumette! there was a bit of a situation, things got out of hand

lumi did you have sex on the spare room bed and not bother to change the sheets because if you did that’s really bad roommate etiquette

good thing i’m not your roommate any more then, huh?

it’s just kind of annoying

and unsanitary.

i hope you feel better soon, you creepy. happy birthday.

charming as always, adam

[SNAPCHAT]

LUMI: aaand now adam thinks i have no sense of personal hygiene

PLUMETTE: you DO know there were other excuses you could have made

LUMI: i make sacrifices for my art

[iOS]

adam?

yeah?

i can’t sleep

me neither

tonight was fun. it’s been ages since we just hung out together

yeah. i’ve really missed this.

adam?

yeah?

do you remember back at the english graduates ball? when we were on the balcony and we were breathless from all the dancing?

i thought you didn’t want to talk about that

do you remember what you asked me? and i said i didn’t know, and then i said we should be better as friends, and then all the stuff with my dad started?

yes. of course i do. i didn’t say anything because i thought 

i don’t know what i thought

i didn’t want to annoy or upset you

i didn’t know then, but i know now. but i have a question, too. do you still mean what you said?

yes. 

adam?

yeah?

can you come to the bedroom?

[FACEBOOK]

Belle Lecteur and Adam Garoux went from single to in a relationship.

[frenchy-and-the-sea]

No good reason for this, except that @villnis drew this CUTE AS FUCK PIECE for us as a “happy six months of being the pile of idiots” gift and I was INSPIRED. Idk how in character any of this is because it’s just meant to be silly and over the top so HERE WE ARE.

About 2000 words, set during no particular time because my writing half of the time exists outside of canon, lmao.

ALSO HERE’S THE ART!

“Now, don’t feed me some bullshit line about elves being able to eat books to survive.”

Ianry’s head jerked up as Val backed her way into the room, balancing three steaming bowls of something in her hands. She crossed over to the little wood table in the corner of the room, relieving herself of two of them and turning back with a wide grin as Ianry set his book aside.

 “Only wizards do that, Val,” he said dryly, leaning heavily on the word with a thin smirk that made Val roll her eyes.

“Yeah, yeah, I know. Sorcerer, right? Got it.”

She took a seat beside him on the bed and shoved the bowl into his hands like his joke had actually annoyed her, despite the grin lingering at the corner of her mouth. It was full of some kind of thin brown stew, fresh and hot enough that Ianry felt his hands start to burn slightly through the wood.

“Huh,” he muttered, tipping the bowl slightly like he was examining it. “I’ve heard of breakfast in bed before, but dinner? That one’s new.”

Val snorted and reached across to grab her own bowl from the table. “Well, someone had to stay here and make sure they didn’t try to rent the room out from under our noses. Gods know they’d have tried.”

Ianry grunted. To say the inn had been reluctant to rent to them at all would have been the understatement of the century. The only reason they had even made away with the one room was because Amon had begun casting thaumaturgy on every door in the building until one of them flew open, despite the innkeeper’s insistence that they had all been rented for the night. It had only taken him three tries, which had made any resistance by the innkeep particularly futile, but it had still only gotten them the one room.

“Where’d the other’s go?” Ianry asked after a moment, taking a tentative bite. The stew was as watery and bland as everything else in this region, but it was his first proper meal in days, and he couldn’t find it in himself to do anything but hum with pleasure at the warmth.

“Probably watching the last of Sarula’s performance,” said Val with a thoughtful shrug. Ianry’s brow furrowed and she shot him a smirk like she expected the confusion.

“You didn’t think we got this from the inn’s kitchen, did you? After the way they treated us?” She spooned another bite into her mouth and nodded towards the door.

“Tavern across the street was in want of a little entertainment though. For the low price of one round of drinks for the group, we got Sarula up in front of the crowd in exchange for whatever was left in the kitchen provided we brought the dishes back.” She gestured loosely with her bowl. “It's not much, but hell if it isn’t better than more salted pork and hardtack, aye?”

Ianry nodded in genuine earnest. Most of them had learned to tolerate trail food over the course of their many, many collective years of travel, but it never stopped being a miserable way to survive.

They sat in companionable silence for a while after that, leaned slightly against one another as they ate. Val drained her bowl in a matter of minutes, then sullenly eyed the one still steaming on the table beside her.

“Amon’s lucky I like him,” she grumbled at last, sagging back against the headboard like she had to physically pull herself away. “Anyone else, and I’d sell ‘em out for that bowl.”

“Well that’s comforting,” said Ianry, taking his next bite with a loud slurping sound that was clearly meant to antagonize her. Val snorted and shoved lightly at his shoulder.

“Don’t be like that. You know I mean anyone besides you lot.”

“You said anyone, Val.”

They squabbled for a few minutes after that, trading good-natured insults and half-hearted shoves as Ianry picked at the last dregs of his dinner. Val was just setting the bowl aside when the door of the room flew open with a great clattering of wood against the back wall.

“Behold, our savior!” cried Rona as she pushed her way inside. She had somehow managed to get possession of the glitter whip, and scattered a burst of the stuff over the entrance as Tara ducked in, clutching another set of bowls and balancing Sarula where they were perched proudly up on her shoulders. Amon slipped in beside them and dropped into a deep, exaggerated bow the minute he had room.

“Fair Sarula, of Milil’s good graces,” he announced, still hinged at the waist, “Champion bard of the Black Thatch, bringer of meals, entertaining the masses and undermining racist assholes who don’t want some weary travelers to get any fucking food.”

From up on Tara’s shoulders, Sarula giggled, then leaned down to pat Amon square between the horns.

“You sound like Cassick,” they said, and their giggle turned into a gleeful cackle at the chorus of groaning that followed.

They managed to get Sarula down without any particular incident, thanks to Rona confiscating the bowls in Tara’s hands and Val steadying them as they slid from the dragonborn’s shoulders. Ianry scooted sideways on the bed as they shuffled over, yawning and balancing their bowl in both hands.

“Those people across the street were really nice,” they were saying as they hopped up beside him. Tara let out a grunt that Ianry thought must have been a laugh.

“They say, because half of the bar bought us drinks,” she muttered under her breath, though not so low that Val didn't half choke on the swig she'd taken from her waterskin. Sarula glowered, but didn’t quite get around to protesting before their attention returned to their meal.

“I’d have taken the hospitality if they’d had proper beds,” Rona piped up from the table, gesturing with her spoon and scattering brown liquid across the floor. “But even having to squeeze one room out of this inn is better than another night on the ground.”

“What do you mean? Squeezing a room out of this inn was half of the fun of it,” Amon replied, flashing a grin that showed every one of his teeth. Val snickered and clapped him heartily on the shoulder.

“Good sense tells me I oughta warn you against doing that again,” she said, “But I’d pay solid gold for the rest of my days to see that innkeep practically shit his pants a second time.”

Scattered laughter rolled through the room, and Ianry bit down on a grin long enough to clap his hands over both of his cheeks in exaggerated terror.

“Oh, Mr. Scary Demon Man,” he moaned, “Please don't use any more of your dark, sinister magic on me! I’m scared of rattling doors, and I'm so vulnerable to fire!”

Tara sat upright as the laughter doubled, turning her nose to the sky. “Even though I owe you all an apology, I’m still going to feel justified in glaring at your door. But only when I think you’re not looking!”

“After withholding a meal that you know I have.”

“Without any sort of recourse for my actions.”

“Even though I’m so vulnerable to fire!”

The rest of Ianry’s words disappeared in a sudden pitch of laughter as the rest of the party buckled against one another, doubled over and trying to catch their breath between bouts. The table supported Rona well enough, but Val’s horns clattered against the headboard with an angry thud as she sank back when Amon tried to use her shoulder for leverage. Tara just shot Ianry a wide, toothy grin at the mess they had reduced their friends to, and Sarula - 

He glanced down and found their cleric with their bowl set pointedly aside, suddenly hunkered deep into the sheets of the bed and pressed up against his side as they glared through the mess of their dark hair. Ianry snickered.

“Something wrong?” he asked innocently, as if he couldn’t see the way they had practically smothered themself in blankets. Their glare sharpened.

“Could you guys please try to be quiet? For just….” They paused, digging their hand out of the mass of sheets to tick silent numbers off of their fingers. “For about eight hours or so. Give or take.”

The laughter petered out slowly as the words lingered in the air, until one beat of silence had turned into a long exchange of bemused glances. Finally, Val cleared her throat.

“Are you, uh, asking us to go to bed?” she asked, barely hiding a wry, unsteady grin. Sarula wrenched themself around just long enough to fix her with a level stare.

“Yes. Yes, I am.”

There was another pregnant pause. Then Val heaved herself up off of the bed and gave a delicate one-shoulder shrug that did not dampen her smile by an ounce.

“Alright everyone, you heard ‘em. Lights out!”

She grabbed Amon square by the shoulders and half-threw him back onto the bed. He landed hard enough that Ianry thought he must have helped the motion along just to annoy Sarula, who yelped in surprise as the bed pitched sharply to the right on impact. Rona seemed to take some silent cue from Val, and hopped off of her seat to scramble over the tiefling as she crammed in beside Amon. It took a few dedicated waves to get Tara to join in on the opposite side, but soon, all six of them had smashed together in the bed, huddled close and asking, in varying degrees of amusement, if this is what Sarula had been asking for while their cleric grumbled.

And it was a joke, for a little while.

Then their teasing began to die away, and Val shifted onto her side, pulling the sheets up around her waist. Then Rona moved too, pressing herself against the tiefling’s back and hooking her knees over Amon where he lay propped against Ianry’s side. Then Tara started yawning, and Io fluttered over to perch on the headboard at Ianry’s shoulder, and suddenly, he found himself crammed into a bed of semi-conscious idiots with his pack sitting halfway across the room.

Sensing that he had exactly two minutes before he was trapped for the rest of the night, Ianry pressed a hand against the wood behind him and tried to lift out of the pile that had sprung up around him. He had barely gotten his ass a few centimeters off of the bed before Amon’s arm snaked out from under the sheets and clamped down hard over his thighs. He swore quietly and flattened a palm against the bicep now resting against his legs.

“Amon,” he hissed, pushing lightly against the arm. Amon didn’t so much as twitch, though for a moment, Ianry could swear he caught a small smile on the tiefling’s face. Scowling, Ianry pulled his hand away and reached over to shove gently at Val’s arm instead. She actually turned, with a faint hiss of breath that informed him she had definitely been on her way to sleep. He muttered a hurried apology and gestured to his pack.

“Can you grab my book before you all pass out?” he asked, whispering despite his annoyance. “Any of them? I just need something to do.”

Val rolled just enough to see what he was looking at, and he watched with a creeping sort of dread as a wry grin touched the edges of her mouth.

“Sarula said light’s out, mate. Nothing I can do.”

He tried to protest, but she had already rolled away, and a chorus of weary, near-silent laughter bubbled up from the figures around him. Groaning, Ianry sank back against the headboard.

“I hate you guys.”

[lovelylemontrash]

my thoughts while watching Netflix Death Note

so I decided to just write down everything that’s going through my head while I watch this sin of a movie

spoilers and lots of swearing. I don’t think this will make any sense, but whatever

*Netflix presents* oh fuck this!

oh the music is nice

is that Mis- Mia being a grumpy cheerleader??!

what is up with this wannabe edgy intro??

oh fuck. it's Turner.

ohh he so smart 🤢🤢- wait did he..... did he take money to write other people's homework?

I hate Mia so much already.

she's smoking????!!!!?!?

*Turner and Mia look at each other* FUCK OFF!

why is the Death Note logo a disco light??

there's a storm just because the Death Note fell to the ground???

also why did they make the Note so ugly?

god.... I haven't even passed three minutes yet.........

*Mia pushing a bully* YEAH! I still hate you though 🤷🏻‍♀️

the first time Turner talks and he's just yelling. fuck. you.

Turner actively looking for a fight and Mia laughing about is honestly the worst.

Turner is swearing?- oh my god! YES! he just got punched in the face!!

hold on. did Mia just leave him on the ground passed out in the rain? good.

??? does Mia have a different boyfriend??

we finally reached 5 minutes (and 23 seconds) I don't think I can do this.

at least there's an apple

Turner being a wannabe bad boy™ makes me wanna puke

*Turner reads the first rule of DN* "whoa" me: actually laughs out loud

Ryuk having an extra™ entrance. the only good thing.

Turner's fucking scream when he sees Ryuk made me laugh-scream

Turner you're a fucking loser being scared of Ryuk like that.

god....... I still love Ryuk

fucking Kenny....

Turner: "I don't have a pen." Ryuk: I got you. Turner, internally: FUCK

that was way more gore than I expected omg!

hold the fuck up. Ryuk's not doing this out of boredom??

did the teacher have no problem with the classroom being a mess??

WHERE IS SAYU?

*sees Dad Turner* fuck you and fuck off.

Turner and Dad Turner fighting is bullshit.

Turner: "Don't trust REI-YUK" me: excUSE ME? WHO?

fucking Rei-yuk......

ok. I'll admit. Turner offering Ryuk an apple is nice stuff.

Ryuk: "Its pronounced Ryuk." me: oh thank god.

Ryuk??? actually???? knowing the rules???? incredible.

why can't he just let them die from a heart attack gdi

at least Ryuk's having fun

Dad Turner being happy about someone dying????

me: god I hate everything about this Dad Turner: "Love you, son." me: I...... am not..... crying.....

did Ryuk just do the fucking caveman Spongebob pose

fuck off Mia!

why is Mia like that

Mia: what's a Death Note Turner: a whaaat??? never heard of it before. don't know what you mean..... but ok I'll tell you me: honestly what the fuck

Mia not being able to see Ryuk is hilarious tbh

Turner just trusting Mia right away???? dumb.

Mia: I should NOT BE TURNED ON BY THAT

I really hate everything and everyone about this movie. fuck.

oh god they're making out. ABORT MISSION.

are we gonna get to know more about the old owners of the Note? I hope so.

oh no. there having sex. stop please.

Turner: "[Kira] means "light" in Russian and Celtic" me: um, no, please fuck off.

Turner: "It also sort of means "killer" in Japanese" me: FUCK. OFF. PLEASE.

he can't name himself. that's bullshit.

he's trying to make them think he's Japanese?? Are you... fucking... kidding me??!??!

when they're suddenly speaking German and you scream

ok. 30 minutes done. starting to see it as some fucked up comedy/parody

L is here..... let's see how it goes....

L....... speaking....... Japanese......? thank you.

Is Turner just killing whoever he wants without an actual plan or something?

am I actually....... liking..... L?

ok but why is the Turner house so big?

it's ya boi Watari in the house. nice.

oh. classic L logo.

L: "He wants us to believe that he's Japanese [...] he's not." me: *doesn't know if I should laugh or cry, so I just scream*

Turner and Mia are just casually talking about that stuff in class?? secrecy maybe???

I hate this relationship.

Watari just fucking handed Dad Turner and ice cream cone I'm yelling!!

Turner: "oh shit." me: I know, right?

the US flag aggressively blowing in the wind behind L........ why?

L: yea I'm gonna appear on live TV that's a good idea

Ryuk: "Now I'm rooting for this guy." Turner: "Would you shut the fuck up?" me: AHAHAHAHA

Ryuk just laughing because he knows Turner is fucked is a big mood

L: then I'd be dead sweaty :)

there's a shit ton of thunder in this movie

Dad Turner: "Wata-ree" me: >:(

funnily enough, L seems to be the most accurate to the original.....

Turner: "Stop fucking around with the Deat Note." me: pleASE!

Turner: "we don't kill innocent people, Mia." me: ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT

omg is Mia gonna steal the Note??!

ok. at least the music isn't bad.

Ryuk wants Turner to get rid of the Note and I'm living

*Ryuk threatening Turner* me: *already throwing the biggest party*

I. Fucking. Hate. Mia. Sutton.

me: I hate both Turners. So. Much. *Turner hugs his dad* me: I......... hate..........

L: "Light Turner is Kira." me: oh? I mean, yes! I..? just.. like that..? ok.

them showing original Ryuk is just a reminder that I could've used this time to finally watch the DN anime.......

oh no. I actually like this L...

L removing his mask made me scream.

Mia: "I'm a fucking cheerleader." me: >:/

also the whole "killing Ryuk by writing his name in the Note" thing? bullshit.

his name isn't just Watari??? wth????

"the target will be spared" um??? what???? no!!

Watari has tattoos I'm screaming

but nice way to put in the whole orphanage plot...

nevermind. that's fucked up.

L worrying about Watari? good shit.

why does L have that sad look with his sad eyebrows?? what is this??

L almost crying made me almost cry

L: "Your son is Kira, James!" why does this sentence sound so wrong..? oh. because they fucking called him James.

...a white policeman threatening a young black man................. hm.

I made it through an hour. about forty minutes to go. wish me luck.

I can't believe they managed to make Ryuk ooc......

Turner is kinda stupid, isn't he..? did he really not figure out that Mia took the Note?

are they trying to turn this into a horror movie? with the damn orphanage??

snek

They really put a fucking high school dance part in this movie I can't believe it

I'm watching with subtitles and just.... [Io Echo's "Stalemate" plays] mmmmmmthIS TIME STALEMATE BUT JUST!! YOU!!! WAAAAIIIT!!!! ... I should be watching the musical rn....

I AM SCREAMING!!! Mia has a fucking "Normal people scare me" thing in her locker!!! THIS EXPLAINS EVERYTHING!!

whyy do they keep saying wataree??

🎶 take my breath away 🎶 🎶 take my breath away 🎶

Mia what the fuck?! also Turner why are you so fucking stupid?

is L gonna kill Turner?? Is he gonna fucking do it?? Fuck yeah!!

oh! cute detail: Turner runs to the PC room and on the wall it says, really big: "RULES"!

ah. we're finally getting to the big climax with the ferris wheel

L driving through a sign that reads "Drive slow. Drive safe."

this chase scene is way too long and unnecessary...

SHOOT HIM SHOOT HIM!!!

FUCK. OFF! stupid asshole just knocked out L

we're at the wheel and I hate everything

Turner: "If you love me.." me: shut up. shut. the. Hell. UP.

Mia just took the Note. and i can't even put into words all the thoughts I have about how fucking stupid these two are.

can they both just die. please.

welp

...did they just take that one scene from amazing Spider-Man where they're falling........

0/10 too many flowers

ok Mia is dead. bye bitch.

and of fucking course Turner doesn't die fucking shit

new Kira :/

so Turner is in a coma and they're trying to put L in jail .... :/

noooo he got the Note back no no noohohooh

he fucking woke up :/

oh fuck Dad Turner figured it out!!

Turner using rapists and child molesters to help him is kind of.......... hm.

L found the page!!

shut the fuck up Turner

oh no!! L can't kill Turner because they added that whole bullshit. fuck.

Ryuk: "You humans are so interesting." me: it's too late, Ryuk. even you couldn't save this movie.

the credits actually look kinda nice hmm...

oh wow. I survived.

final thoughts?

-way worse than I was already suspecting, somehow 

-Mia was the worst character ever 

-I didn't think I could hate anyone more than Light Yagami, but then Turner appeared 

-L was.......... really nice. I like him. And I can explain why, but I'm just too exhausted rn 

-they......... kinda ruined Ryuk which makes me really smad because I love him so much... 

-overall: huge pile of bullshit; don't think I can ever watch this again, not even as a joke 

-I need to listen to the musical on loop now to cleanse myself

[eurello]

Media Diet, Week of April 19th

I am forever working on improving the quality of the deluge of culture I am taking in at all times. Lately, I’ve been especially rigorous about this, as I keep realizing exactly how much valuable time I am wasting slurping up really dumb stuff. In an attempt at accountability (and to make myself ashamed to spend too much time on anything purely dumb), I am going to try logging and posting about the culture I consume. I will analyze what attracts me to the trashier things, and attempt to train myself, little by little, day by day, into better habits.  

Sunday, April 19th:

As I was getting ready and making breakfast, I listened to podcasts as usual — the end of Oh No, Ross & Carrie, and the beginning of Baby Geniuses. I enjoy both of these podcasts a lot, and I think they are good things to listen to, although this particular episode of ONRC went on for too long. I have gone through phases of listening to a lot of political podcasts, but I have recently admitted to myself that I’m not that interested in politics, and that is perfectly fine. I think it’s important for a citizen to remain up to date and aware of what is going on, but I have this sort of weird feeling that smart people are obsessed with politics? And I don’t know why I feel that way. There’s nothing especially noble or intelligent about political governance; quite the opposite most of the time. Politicians are often venal, and even if when they aren’t, the more time you spend paying attention to the largely broken processes they attempt to navigate and massage every day, the worse it probably is for your own sense of hope, and certainly for your own creativity. So I’ve let myself off the hook on this one, and now I mostly listen to humor podcasts and weird fictional things.

As I drank my breakfast (smoothie/coffee) and procrastinated at doing something more worthwhile, I spent probably two hours on Twitter, Instagram, and various websites. This is becoming a big problem for me. On Twitter, I follow mostly comedy writers, liberals, feminists, black Twitter, and weird Twitter (and intersections of all of the above), and some local political organizations. I tweeted a lot this morning, as well. On Instagram, I follow a lot of the same people I do on Twitter, plus a TON of visual artists. I am not a visual artist, but because Instagram is a visual medium, it’s nice to follow artists, and I sometimes find it inspiring — if not to create art myself, at least maybe to make my house look nicer (although I never do). I also follow some old school fashion and lifestyle bloggers who I’ve been following for like ten years, and although I do not find that kind of blogging interesting at all anymore, I am interested in these particular people, and invested in their lives at this point. I also embarrassingly have been paying a good bit of attention lately to a certain terrible influencer, who I won’t name because I don’t want to draw the wrong kind of attention here, but you probably know who she is. She is entirely boring, but people are interested in her for a variety of reasons, and they all have complicated explanations for why. I think it’s that she’s sort of the purest example of the sort of woman (blond, thin, pretty, performatively aspirational yet empty enough to be completely non-threatening to anyone) that middle-class Americans have always been culturally encouraged to admire and, if they are women, to emulate, and yet, it’s so apparent that there is no there there. I imagine most people who follow her are thinking, “I can’t believe I thought I needed to be this in high school!” For me personally, there’s something else to it, and after thinking about it so that I could write it down here, I think it is that I spend a lot of time mildly regretting that I had not been more intentional about pursuing my creative dreams in my 20s (I was sort of dabbling in comedy and performance and writing; I had some talent but little intelligence), but at the same time, when I look back over my work and writings from that time, I am horrified by how stupid I was without realizing it (and not just stupid for my age, because I was surrounded by far more intelligent and creative people who have gone on to do amazing things, and there are many preternaturally wise and hilarious babies who are creating right now). Had I had a bigger platform at the time, I fear I would have looked a lot like a less successful this girl. So, it’s a sort of cautionary tale that really just serves to make me feel better about having avoided exposure I’d now regret (albeit through laziness rather than foresight). And also, being able to realize this now is a reminder that I am at least smarter now than I used to be, so I have been growing in some way, even if it feels like I’ve just been atrophying intellectually and creatively ever since I got a real job. I think now that I’ve written this down, I’m ready to let go of paying attention to her. Also, though, I just feel bad for her, and I want to see what happens to her and if she ends up ok or not. Which possibly sounds nobler than it is — am I really just rubbernecking at an accident? I don’t think I wish her harm. Anyway, in non-shame scrolling, two of my favorite comics on Twitter and Instagram right now are Eva Victor and Alyssa Lamparis. They are both brilliantly hilarious.

The first few chapters of “Joshua”, while working on one of my blog posts about the Old Testament.

A chapter of The High Growth Handbook, for work, which I’m finding more interesting than most business books.

Moral Clarity by Susan Neiman, which I’m not really enjoying. This isn’t necessarily why I’m not enjoying it, but I gave some thought while reading this about why I find the left’s current backlash against “identity politics” to be disingenuous. I mean, other than the fact that it is only white people (and mostly white men) who argue that identity politics are a pointless distraction from real social change. And it’s that nobody — no matter how naive — thinks that we are going to transform all human systems overnight. Abrupt revolutions rarely happen in established societies, and even when they do, they never stick; no matter how you come about it, lasting social change always takes forever. So, eschewing identity politics as a mere distraction implies that those who unfairly have less power and influence under the current system should just be content with their marginalization until we have a new system altogether. And that those who are over-represented in the current system shouldn’t be criticized or made to lose anything in the interests of equity and social justice until we have a new system altogether. That this is the same old self-serving bullshit from a different direction seems so obvious to me, I don’t understand why so many smart people are buying into it. There is no getting around our historical legacy of racial oppression! There’s just no scenario in which white people are not going to have to deal with that first, before we can successfully build systems that are more just and more fair! You have to address both things at the same time, and no, just focusing on economic class is not going to cut it — especially not when so many people pretend that they don’t understand that poverty results from lack of access and limited options, and has little to do with whether you have much money at any given time (in reality, they understand this very well). And I can’t take any leader seriously (no matter how far left) who does not get that, and/or who won’t force their followers to acknowledge it.  

“Where outrage itself is exhausted, even despair is impossible. The resulting inertia is not the result of an ideology, postmodern or otherwise. But anyone who wants to oppose it must oppose an ideology that makes inertia the most rational response.”

Finished Baby Geniuses and started listening to Get Rich Nick as I prepared for my run, and as I showered after my run. Nick V is a good pal of mine from Chicago — we came up through iO at the same time and were on a Harold team together for like a year. He’s hilarious and I enjoy his podcast, but I suspect I partly find it so funny because it’s just very…Nick.

I listen to the same Spotify playlist on every run. I made it for running and it’s all exactly what you’d expect someone like me would listen to while running.

I watched an episode of season 2 of “Big Little Lies” while I ate dinner. I thought the first season (while it had its faults) was perfectly cast and pretty impressively honest in how it dealt with domestic violence and rape. I wasn’t interested enough to seek out season 2, but I recently noticed HBO is streaming some shows for free right now on Amazon Prime (which I have finally, finally canceled because #morals but still have through August), so I started watching it, and I still love the cast. I will watch Laura Dern in absolutely anything, and it’s really fun to watch Reese Witherspoon play what I imagine is basically herself.

Listened to more Get Rich Nick while I cleaned up the kitchen and got ready for bed.

Finished the night off with The Collected Stories of Eudora Welty — she’s one of my faves and I’ve read two of these four collections multiple times, but right now am on The Wide Net which is new to me. Read the titular “The Wide Net” and really enjoyed it and then “A Still Moment,” which was boring but made me want to get my computer out and google Audubon. Then fell asleep reading this weird old novel I’m slowly working through called The Man Who Loved Children.

“‘She’s a lot smarter than her cousins in Beulah,’ said Virgil. ‘And especially Edna Earle, that never did get to be what you’d call a heavy thinker. Edna Earle could sit and ponder all day on how the little tail of the ‘C’ got through the ‘L’ in a Coca-Cola sign.’”

Monday, April 20th:

Instagram on the toilet, Get Rich Nick while I performed my ablutions and made coffee, and Instagram stories and Feedly for a bit while I drank it. I spend less time on this today, the awareness of accountability is already working! About Instagram stories — I usually ignore them altogether but every so often I go through phases of watching them. I find them mostly very boring, but because I mostly follow creatives on Instagram, there’s something inspiring about starting my day by watching a bunch of creative people all around the world making things. At least starting a day off this way (which today fortunately is); starting a work day this way makes me feel an intense despair. I also follow a few farmers, and it’s fun to see their daily lives. And also just a bunch of people who live in gorgeous places around the world. And ok, yeah, a couple of hate follows, which for me are people who I just find so unbelievably grating and irritating in every way that I can’t stop watching them — I just can’t believe they exist and yet aren’t entirely consumed with self-loathing. And I think for me it’s like, I find them so utterly obnoxious in every way, but they still all have lots of people in their lives who truly love them, and that’s affirming to me personally, because I often feel like I couldn’t ask anyone to tolerate me for very long unless/until I’ve attained perfection in every sphere, so it’s a nice reminder to me that that’s not really how people operate. In Feedly, I follow 3 Quarks Daily and The Morning News, some political digests, a number of old school bloggers I’ve been following forever (mostly funny ones), a handful of newsletters (mostly by people who used to be bloggers), and some sustainability bloggers to guilt me into making better choices. I probably spend about 90 minutes on all of this? Which is too much time!

More “Joshua.”

I poke around online and find and follow a handful more artists from around the world on Instagram and/or Twitter. These aren’t really very interesting ones, and so I’ll probably unfollow them soon, but they’re a bunch of diverse young people, and lately I feel out of touch with what young people are doing. One funny thing about young people is they have so much energy and so many interests, so all of them are doing like ten really shitty things — they’re making crappy art, they’re writing nonsense, they’re performing dopey shows, AND they’re in a shitty band. And then they get older and they realize that it takes an incredible amount of time and effort and research and angst to do even one thing semi-well, and at that point, they either disappear or focus. Anyway, I mostly stick to Twitter for these — I only follow artists on Instagram whose work I find genuinely appealing; Twitter is more for people I’m interested in hearing more about how they perceive the world, but am not necessarily interested in what they’re making. Also, for Twitter, I use TweetDeck and make lists, so it’s a lot easier to follow and unfollow groups of people than it is on Instagram. Like I’ll make a list of “possibly interesting” and watch it for awhile, and then I might move two people on it to a more permanent list and then just delete the whole list.

Listen to The Read while I make a smoothie.

Two short stories from an old issue of Salt Hill, both terrible.

A chapter of High Growth Handbook, and two of Moral Clarity.

Listened to The Read and Scam Goddess while gearing up for run, walking back from run showering, cooking dinner, and cleaning up the kitchen. Usual playlist on run.

Spent some lost time on Twitter and Instagram while crouching on the floor and shivering in my sweaty running clothes, and then again after dinner while sitting on the couch. I’m starting to realize that I look at social media when what my brain really wants to be doing is just….sitting and staring and not taking in anything.

Three Welty stories, “Asphodel” (enjoyable), “The Winds” (in which Welty is starting to find the voice she will master in The Golden Apples), and “The Purple Hat” (eh). Interrupted, I am embarrassed to admit, by looking at Twitter and my email and also reading some articles about Welty.

The Man Who Loved Children

Tuesday, April 21st:

There are two things I want to stop doing, and I did both today. First, after my alarm went off, I spent 90 minutes hitting the snooze button and also pursuing Twitter and Instagram in bed. My entire goal is to reserve as much time for myself in the evenings as possible, for doing what I want to be doing. And I waste a lot of that limited time in procrastinating what I don’t want to be doing. And this is the first place it happens — lounging in bed staring at my phone instead of getting up and going to work.

Finished Scam Goddess and started The High Low while I got ready, made coffee and my smoothie.

After work, I did the second thing I want to stop doing — I spent 90 minutes sitting on the couch looking at Twitter, Instagram, Reddit, and rubbernecking at a long train wreck thread on NextDoor (people are wilding out at this point), procrastinating getting my running kit on and going out for my exercise. All together, this is THREE HOURS of wasted time that could go toward my evenings, where I get to do the stuff I want to do! I’m robbing myself of this valuable time.

I walked for most of my run because I was sore from some exercises I did, and I finished The High Low. When I got home, I listened to Office Ladies, which is not a very good podcast, but it’s just mindlessly comforting to listen to and I like thinking about The Office, which is mindlessly comforting to watch, as I took a shower, made dinner, and cleaned up the kitchen.

The Man Who Loved Children

Wednesday, April 22nd:

Well, I still hit the snooze for an hour but I DIDN’T browse Twitter before I got out of bed. Listened to Lady to Lady while I got ready and made a smoothie and coffee.

Couple of breaks during my workday, during which times I looked at Twitter, Reddit, and Instagram.

I worked later than usual and it was rainy out, so I didn’t go out for exercise, but I still spent TWO HOURS on the couch mindlessly scrolling (Twitter, Instagram, NextDoor train wreck). So, all told, I still wasted three hours on garbage today.

Listened to Lady to Lady and Your Favorite Band Sucks while I made dinner, ate it, cleaned up after it, and got ready for bed. Your Favorite Band Sucks takes down a lot of bands I genuinely like, and I truly do enjoy hearing people rip apart things that I enjoy for some reason (cultural masochism). This episode, though, is on Billy Joel, which I feel is low-hanging fruit, although it reminds me of when this guy I had a massive crush on in high school got super into Billy Joel (I know) and so I spent a few months listening to him and trying to convince myself I also thought he was brilliant. Listening to this podcast makes me realize how much time I spent trying to convince myself that I liked bands that guys I had a thing for worshipped. I don’t really listen to music very much (note absence of it from this entire week) since podcasts became a thing -- I just always vastly prefer narrative if I have a choice. Either music is too distracting from the thing I’m trying to do, or I have enough bandwidth to listen to a podcast while I’m doing the thing, which I prefer. There’s just very rarely any place in my day where music makes sense. You will never find me getting stoned or drunk and just sitting and listening to music -- I can’t fathom how people do that. Whenever I’ve tried it, I’ve just gotten so angry that I took away the mental capacity to read and am wasting all that excellent reading time just sitting there. I guess I don’t really like turning my brain off. Some people spend all their time trying to turn their brain off, but that actually causes stress in my case; fun for me is more taking a ton of adderall to really get it jumping. I don’t mean to imply by that that I’m smart or I use my brain for anything worthwhile, I really, really don’t. I just like the feeling of being alert and I like thinking my dumb thoughts and following along with narratives of whatever kind. 

The Man Who Loved Children

Thursday, April 23rd:

Success! I hit snooze for 20 minutes only and then I got to work!

Listened to a new podcast by a comic I like while I got ready, and I won’t say which one, because it wasn’t very good, and I don’t want to slam the first episode (I’m sure it will get better).

Very brief Instagram/Twitter/Feedly breaks a couple times throughout the day.

Success again! After work, I only looked at Twitter for 20 minutes before heading out for my run. Usual playlist on run. On my walk back, I recorded an Instagram story.

Listened to old episodes of Sawbones and By the Book (both of which I’m trying to decide if I like or not) and You’re Wrong About while getting ready for run, showering, cooking dinner, cleaning up the kitchen, getting ready for bed. This episode of You’re Wrong About was about Marie Antoinette and was really fun, although I have a hard time with this podcast, because the voice of the woman who hosts it kind of traumatizes me. I do not like criticizing women’s voices and she can’t help her voice or how it affects me, but she has this sort of sarcastic, flat, patronizing tone that makes her sound like a cool girl of the intellectual cast of cool girls who thinks you are the stupidest little try-hard femme ever to be brought before her, and it gives me some unpleasant flashbacks to certain incidents in college. But I like the podcast overall (and her probably!) and so I just try to get over it.

Read “Livvie” by Eudora Welty, and then finished The Man Who Loved Children.

Friday, April 24th:

Hit snooze for a full hour, but then got up. Listened to another first episode of a new podcast by another comic I like that also was not very good while I got ready, etc. and also a bit later in the car as I made a grocery store run.

Couple very short Twitter/Feedly breaks throughout the day.

Usual music playlist on run. I’ve got a podcast playlist of weird fictional stuff that I’m mostly listening to old episodes of from the beginning and many are new to me and I’m trying to decide if I liked them. Today, during the usual periods of podcast listening, I went through episodes of Welcome to Night Vale and The Lost Cat Podcast, both of which I am enjoying, although I have trouble paying attention to Welcome to Night Vale and always realize after I finish an episode that I didn’t really hear any of it.  

Watched 1.25 episodes of Big Little Lies while I ate takeout and spotted my friend Mike playing the marriage counselor in one of them! Having a background in performance makes for very weird TV and movie experiences now, because I’ll pretty often see someone I know well in something. Often, it’s a really happy surprise like this one, but sometimes it’s a really unpleasant one, like when you’re sitting around with your family and you see a guy who dumped you pretty brutally playing the dopey, amiable dad in a commercial and get plunged into despair and self-hatred in the midst of a bunch of oblivious people in your aunt’s living room and start to feel like you are living in a surreal world no one else is actually a part of and also like your personality is fragmenting in what is possibly a psychotic way.  

Started The Physick Book of Deliverance Dane. I’m really happy to be done with The Man Who Loved Children and on to a new book, and this one looks to be an easy, possibly dumb page-turner, which is well-timed.

Saturday, April 25th:

Snoozed for 40 minutes. Listened to Tanis while coffee etc. Bit of Instagram and Feedly.

While I cleaned the house and deep cleaned my office, I listened to The Bright Sessions, Within the Wires, The Box Podcast, Tracks, and Rabbits.

While I got ready for run, walked back from run, made dinner, cleaned up kitchen, put the laundry away, and got ready for bed, listened to Father Dagon, The Amelia Project, Glasgow Ghost Stories, Middle: Below, The Last Movie, The Van, Video Palace, Blackwood, Dreamboy, Caledonian Gothic, and The London Necropolis Railway. I went through a ton of podcasts today (but also these fiction ones are quite short).

Started to read “At the Landing” by Welty, but I fell asleep super early. I usually save fiction for a couple hours in bed before I go to sleep, because fiction is my favorite thing in the world, but I am so tired by the time I lie down that I often can’t really enjoy it, and fight to stay awake while I try to read and then just fall asleep. So I might need to rethink this timing.

Overall, I think this has been a successful first week of doing this! On Saturday, I had a day off, and I spent basically zero time procrastinating with garbage media! I can really see how my consumption of dumb stuff went down through the week.

[faces-in-unexpected-places]

Do You Have the Time? Episode 013: Andre Ramone

Warning: This episode contains strong language that may be shocking or offensive to some readers.

[3rd Moon of Aestas, 13XX, 19:59]

You amble through the ethereal grove of Terrafron. The golden sunlight shimmers between the wavering leaves and branches in the peaceful evening of mid-Aestas. The grove was always lovely this time of year. You carry your lute and pluck the notes of a C major scale, as you have retired your sword for the day. You march with pride, knowing that the village you had just left was free of the nefarious troglodytaria that have been wreaking havoc in the Land of Ignis and Fumus for over a century. Bonavento, your long-time ally and friend, will meet you in the centre of the grove to escort you to the Archduke of Terrafron. You currently work under the Archduke as a mercenary for hire. The grove becomes gradually thicker, the grass taller and darker, and the air cooler as you head further into the forest.

“Aye!” a voice called from the top branch of a hawthorn tree. Bonavento fiercely aimed an arrow straight at you from his bow. “I hereby claim you a, uh, a traitor of the Archduke, and will thus have you—AH FUCK—”

The branch snapped beneath him and he tumbled from one limb to the next. His head hit the first branch of the fall, then his abdomen on the second. His funny bone, third, and groin last, before plummeting to the knobby ground that was disrupted by enormous tree roots. Bonavento groaned and slowly dragged himself up to his knees, holding his head.

“Bitch!” he cried, “That fuckin’ hurt. The Archduke doesn’t pay me enough for this bullshit, you know that? He’s—he’s not even paying me for this, I’m—I’m just, you know, framing you, as the enemy of the kingdom, so I can keep, you know, I don’t know. Doing whatever it is Celtic fuckin’ squire-ass traitor’s of the kingdom do? Embezzle I guess? Did they have that back then? And by then, I mean now? Oh, Jesus, I think I pulled something. Oh-HO,” Bonavento bent over backwards to stretch his back, “Fuck meeeeEEEE! AHHH. DID YOU HEAR THAT CRACK. Ugh, okay… phew… alright, enough dickin’ around, yeah, big reveal, long-time friend, actually huge traitor-douche, start the boss-fight already let’s goooOOOOO!”

*New Player has Joined Game*

[April 18th, 2018, 13:03]

“Madison, would you cut it out, already,” Jeremy called from the other side of the lab. Jeremy stood at the lab bench in the back of the room that almost spanned from one wall to the other. He was gathering various mechanical parts to construct one of the functional parts of their machine. 

Jeremy, Leslie and Leopold had all agreed on a schematic that illustrated how the cosmic strings would be formed, and he began his work on a piston. Essentially, the one end of the cosmic string would stick to the piston; then the piston would quickly spin and connect the other end of the string to the first to form a loop. Afterwards, the loop would be pushed upward so that it would rise into the air; a test-object would sit on a platform above the loop and in the middle of its trajectory. Thus, the test-object would experience the space-time distortions of the loop as it passes around the test-object.

It was a difficult concept for Jeremy to concentrate on with the incessant cursing coming from Madison’s game.

“I just got to a cool part, though!” she complained and set her controller down on the lab meeting table. Leslie stiffly sat at the meeting table near Madison, trying not to get involved. She quietly typed the methods section of their scientific paper; they had finished their introduction the previous week.

“I don’t care what part you’re at,” Jeremy snapped, “The screen that animate’s IO’s facial expressions isn’t meant to play those annoying, never-ending, online games.”

“Oh, I guess you’re right,” Leslie interjected, “IO’s face and personality mostly comes from pixels on that screen! I’m not sure if I ever entirely… registered that in my head.” She tried to direct attention away from the conflict. 

Madison spoke back to Jeremy immediately, completely ignoring her attempt at restoring peace.

“That doesn’t make any sense, dude! I saw you play games on IO’s face all the time, when we were kids. Your games are still on here, I can see them right now!” she cried out.

“Kids?” Leslie asked.

Jeremy stepped away from his lab bench and strode over to Madison and IO, becoming increasingly irritated. Leopold glanced up at the commotion and removed his earbuds. He was sculpting a crude prototype part of the machine that would spin heat into the strings. He was at the same lab bench as Jeremy, but on the other side of the room. Jeremy leaving the bench in a hurry caught his attention from the corner of his eye.

“That’s because when I played games, I actually played simple ones with IO. I never made him run those monster-sized games that take a ton of CPU and just make him sit there and watch me the whole time. He’s not your personal play-thing,” he hissed.

Madison furrowed her brow and leaned back in surprise.

“Him?” she enunciated, “What do you mean ‘him?’ It’s a robot!”

“What’s the problem over there, kids?” Leopold called, unaware of the tension.

Jeremy stifled in shock at her response. To avoid embarrassment, he quickly unplugged her controller. The game powered down, and IO’s simple, pixelated circle eyes and macaroni shaped mouth reappeared on the screen. IO seemed relieved to have quit the program.

“Hey man, what the hell!” Madison blurted out, “I didn’t even get to save my progress!”

“So, build your own robot,” he said coldly, “Come on, IO. We have errands to run.”

Jeremy stormed out of the lab and turned down the hallway in the direction of the lobby. Madison looked between the two remaining lab members with an opened jaw and a look of disgust on her face. Leslie was visibly distraught, and Leopold sauntered to their table carefully.

“What a jerk!” she yelled.

“Okay, okay, everyone, let’s try to take a breath,” Leslie suggested, “We’ve been working really hard on this project lately; I’m sure he’s just stressed out and didn’t mean it, Madison. I’m stressed out, too, you know?”

“Yeah, well, that was one way to handle it,” she scoffed.

“Maybe since you don’t have that game to play anymore, you can focus more on your own work like us? Maybe study for your final exams. They’re just a few weeks from now, right?” Leslie offered.

Madison groaned.

“Dude, I was playing that game to specifically avoid all that stuff. All you ever want to do is work.”

“Hey kiddo,” Leopold said assertively. She spun around to face him. “How about you cool off with me for a bit? You can help us figure out how large of a chemical reaction we’re going to start with, when we’re testing our machine. We can test the reaction and watch it light up.”

Madison let out an audible sigh.

“Guess I’ve got nothin’ else to do now, anyway. Alright, Leo, let’s do it. Gimme your best explosives or whatever,” she said and rolled her eyes as she dragged herself in the direction of his work bench. 

Leslie exhaled her own stress out as she sat alone at her meeting table. Despite her efforts to bring everyone together, she somehow felt as if nothing would be enough. Perhaps she wasn’t as good of a friend or coworker as she thought.

[April 18th, 2018, 13:20]

Jeremy treaded through the lobby without batting an eye at Martha and B-lined for the robotics lab. He had been getting fed up with working on the piston, anyway; he didn’t have all the parts to keep it functional. The robotics lab often had pieces and parts to spare. Sophia wasn’t exactly a friend of his or anyone else’s in the Looney Lab, but she seemed to treat them fairly, in an economical sense. In a personal sense, she obviously had her opinions. But a few spare parts shouldn’t stir up that much trouble. As Jeremy approached the lab, he became confused at the sound of music. It sounded familiar. He peered into the robotics lab. It was a chaotic mess like it always was. Papers all over the tables, machines in mid-function, and a plethora of metallic limbs lying around. They were separated from their parent machines, and added to the clutter of the lab. 

Sounds of loud, distorted, punk-rock guitars strumming to rapidly beating drums filled the room. The only person inside was Andre. He was the one blaring music. He wore tight, black jeans, a striped burgundy and grey shirt with a solid, long-sleeved, black shirt underneath. Andre appeared to be preoccupied on a computer… playing that horrible game of Madison’s.

Jeremy sighed.

“Excuse me,” he projected his voice over the music. Andre turned to face him, smiled and gave a nod of acknowledgement.

“‘Sup, man!” he yelled over the music.

“Can you turn it down!?”

“Oh, yeah, yeah!” Andre agreed and lowered the music, “Sorry, sorry. Was playin’ this sweet game, and joined someone’s game nearby, but then they left. Guess they don’t want anyone else to know that they’re goofin’ off at work,” he laughed, “Whatcha need?” he asked, nonchalantly.

“I need a crankshaft for this piston that I’m putting together,” Jeremy replied, ignoring the rest of Andre’s commentary.

“Ahhhh, yeah, ya kinda need the piston to go up and down huh?” he joked, “So you’re really gettin’ that machine together? That’s cool, lemme see what I can find.”

Andre wandered all the way to the back of the lab, rifling through numerous cardboard boxes, kicking some out of the way. Jeremy rocked back and forth on his heels while he waited, hoping it would be over soon.

“Aha!” Andre yelled, “Here ya go!” he plopped himself in a desk chair on wheels and flung himself through an aisle in the lab, running over papers and bolts, until he reached Jeremy. Andre held a cardboard box full of crankshafts of various sizes in his lap.

“Any of these good for ya?” he asked.

Jeremy glanced through them, and, to his surprise, he did find one that would fit his piston. Eventually, he would need a piston with a circumference larger than most people, so that the cosmic loops were big enough to circle the person in the machine. For the time being, a small piston would do, because the test-objects were considerably smaller. Andre smirked and reached out to IO, who had been standing behind Jeremy’s leg.

“Hey there, little man, good to see ya again! Gimme some skin?” he posed, holding his hand out and palm up, “Or, I guess, gimme some metal?”

IO emoted a smile on its screen and gave Andre a high-five, after warming up to the environment again. Jeremy glimpsed between them, as his attention was torn away from the crankshaft.

“You two are… acquainted?” he asked.

“Oh yeah,” Andre said, “He was here for a long enough time for us to share a moment or two. He liked my other boys, too. Too bad I gotta perform a bit more maintenance on them right now, otherwise they’d be up and about.”

IO sounded a high-pitched, twinkle-like beep for Andre. He wore a goofy grin and pointed to IO.

“That mean he likes me?”

“Uh, yes, actually,” Jeremy responded, feeling entirely caught off-guard again. He felt his aggravation fading. “You call IO and your robots ‘he’, too?”

“Yeah! That’s just the way I see ‘em, though. But they don’t mind.”

“I always called IO an ‘it’ because he’s a robot.”

“You just called him a ‘he,’” Andre corrected.

“Oh…” Jeremy hesitated, “I guess I did. I haven’t been sure what to use, recently.”

“Just whatever feels right, man,” he said, “To you, or to IO, I should say.”

Jeremy hummed and kneeled down to IO.

“What do you think, IO? Do you like ‘it’ or ‘him’ more?” he asked.

IO flashed grey lights from the bulbs on its head. Jeremy smiled, having been surprised for the third time within the hour.

“You don’t care?” he asked.

IO confirmed.

“Huh… I didn’t know that. Well… maybe I’ll go back and forth then, if that’s okay.”

IO flashed blue lights, expressing contentment. Jeremy stood back up.

“Well… thanks. Maybe, uh, well, I’d like to meet your… robots—machines—when they’re operational again.”

“Oh, sure, I’d be happy to introduce you,” he waved away the request.

“…So I can just take whichever crankshaft I want?” Jeremy asked.

“Yeah, go for it, ya don’t see me usin’ them,” he chuckled, “Just keep this deal on the DL. Don’t want you-know-who findin’ out.”

Jeremy frowned and pointed to a crankshaft. Andre gestured for him to pick it up. He squinted at Andre and turned his nose up at him, suspiciously.

“You’re not like Sophia, are you,” he wondered.

“Nah,” Andre snorted, “Although, I will need something in return before you take the crank with ya.”

Jeremy sighed.

“There’s always a price,” he mumbled.

“I just need you to take this other box of junk to Martha in the lobby,” Andre said, “Sophia spring-cleaned her office the other day and put all the stuff she didn’t want in the box. Told me to take whatever I wanted and give the rest to reception.”

“Oh. That’s it?” Jeremy replied.

“Yyyyyup. That’s all. I just don’t wanna walk over there. So just do that, come right back, get your crank, and you’re good to go.”

“Huh,” Jeremy paused, “Okay. Can I take anything from that box, if I find something I like?”

“Bit of a glutton there, huh, Jeremy Brilliant?” he jested, “Sure, sure, makes no difference to me. Just, ya know, not to state the obvious, but don’t tell Sophia about this either. Ya know?”

“Yeah. Okay.”

Andre spun in his chair, reached underneath a nearby desk and traded the crankshaft box for a flimsy box that was half filled with office supplies. Paper clips, pencils, erasers, a stapler, stacks of unopened paper, a pair of scissors, and various other supplies. Jeremy left Andre, IO, and his crankshaft in the lab. On his way to Martha’s desk, he shuffled the box around in his arms. He kept glancing through the contents and stole a permanent marker or two. There was a pack of sticky index tabs and a pack of orange Post-It notes. He set the box down on the reception desk. Martha glanced at him and smiled.

“Hey there, darling, how’s the research going? You sure were walking with a purpose earlier!”

“It’s okay,” he said, still looking into the box. “We’ve made progress. I just hope we’ll make enough of it to be worthwhile. I brought you this box from the robotics lab,” he said, distractedly. Jeremy felt as if something was happening. Some sort of vague… shift.

“Well, thank you, sweetheart! You’re not switching labs, are you?”

He couldn’t take his eyes off the sticky notes. He reached in, picked them up and held them up in the air to examine them.

“No,” he responded, simply.

Martha frowned and her eyes bounced left and right at the peculiar behaviour.

“Do you… use sticky notes a lot?”

“Not really.”

“Do… you want to take those ones?”

Jeremy shook himself out of a dazed trance. He didn’t want to let the pack go.

“Uh. Would you mind?” he asked.

“No, ‘course not,” she snorted, “You seem like you’d get more use out of them, anyway!”

“Huh… yeah. Thanks.”

“…You’re welcome, oddball!” she chuckled, uncomfortably.

The pack of Post-It notes felt indistinctly familiar. He couldn’t explain it. He rarely used sticky notes, and wasn’t particularly fond of the colour orange. Was it déjà vu? Martha tried once again to shake him back to reality.

“So, what were you doing in the robotics lab?” she asked.

It worked. Jeremy put the pack of sticky notes in his back pocket and refocussed himself onto her.

“Uh, right. I was, uh, looking for something to go with this piston that I’m reassembling in the lab. I’m trying to modify it so it will push up and down like it’s supposed to, but also spin at a high velocity,” he explained, sheepishly.

“Oh, so you’re making a new kind of tool?” she probed.

“Sort of. Mostly just making a few small changes.”

“Well, I’ll have to keep in touch for updates! You go on and get back to work, now. I wouldn’t want to keep you!”

“Thanks. See you around.”

Jeremy walked back into the robotics lab to find Andre showing IO the game that he was playing when they first walked in. Andre acknowledged him as he wandered up next to IO.

“You can take the crankshaft whenever you want, man. Thanks again for the favour!” Andre said.

Jeremy dug through the box again and retrieved the correct size. Seeing that Andre and IO were both absorbed in the game, he felt compelled to wait. He watched the game for a moment, and then his curiosity got the best of him.

“Andre,” he said.

“Yeah?”

“I want to ask you something.”

“I’m all ears.”

He seemed pretty agreeable for not even knowing what the question was.

“What do you think of Sophia?”

Andre paused the game. His natural half-smile, and carefree spirit seemed to subside. He took a deep breath, and spun his chair ninety degrees to face Jeremy. IO backed up so it wasn’t between them.

“Why are you asking me?” he cross-examined.

“Does it matter?”

“Is this for your own knowledge, or somebody else’s?” Andre pressed.

“It’s my own curiosity. I know there is something going on with her and Leopold. I don’t know what it is, and it isn’t necessarily my business. But it’s clear that she has a problem with him. Or a need to get under his skin. It’s almost vindictive. But you are nothing like that, from the looks of it. And yet, you work here. Why?” Jeremy laid his cards on the table.

Andre chuckled to himself.

“Well, I’m glad that I look non-vindictive. To tell you the truth, Jeremy, I don’t know much about it either. All I could really do for you is speculate. From my perspective, seems like Leopold and his lab are bad for business. Makes the university look foolish, and undermines everyone else’s work by association. Since Sophia is in a position where she is managing everyone’s work, maybe she holds a grudge to Dr. Looney for making her job unnecessarily hard?”

“Seems corrupted. Why hasn’t The Board of Research stepped in? Or human resources? Isn’t that technically a hostile work environment?”

“Yeah, probably. But the higher-ups hired Sophia themselves. Supposedly she’s buddy-buddy with someone up there. And honestly, she’s been a great manager for the rest of the labs. Not to mention that most other labs probably feel frustrated just like her because they feel that they are missing opportunities for funding because Dr. Looney works here. He’s been workin’ on that time travel stuff for a long time, and his last presentation to The Board really solidified the reputation he has now. At least that’s what I’ve heard from the people that still work here from back then,” Andre elaborated.

“And so… why do you work under her?” Jeremy reminded him of the original question.

Andre sighed.

“Listen, I’m not going to defend Sophia’s actions. But I don’t want to throw her under the bus, either. We met when we were both enrolled at the university, actually. We were both part of the Fellowship of Minorities in STEM. It was my first year, her last year, and she showed me around. Introduced me to faculty and showed me the ropes. Later, I came to work here with her, and when I got my degree last year, I was hired to be a full-time employee. And, well, I’m sure you know what happened after. She got promoted and now… I guess we’re lookin’ for a new Principal Investigator? One of the higher-ups used to be the PI, and it’s just kind of been handed down. Maybe since he’s still around, they’re trying to hold off on hiring someone else,” he snickered, “Maybe I can work an angle and get a raise.”

“So she’s done good things for you,” Jeremy summarized.

“Pretty much, yeah. I just feel like I owe her something. Some grace. I had no idea what I was going to do with my life… and she really helped me figure it out. I was the first in my family to even go to college. I wasn’t even sure it would work out, let alone graduate? Work in a laboratory? I mean, I’m workin’ on robotic prosthetics! How fuckin’ cool is that?!”

Andre’s eyes widened and he covered his mouth.

“Oh, oh, sorry,” he quickly interrupted himself, “That was unprofessional.”

Jeremy shrugged.

“I don’t care. I’m used to it.”

Andre relaxed after seeing how little Jeremy was phased, though he thought it peculiar. He tried to steer the conversation away from his mistake.

“Long story short,” he said, “she helped me make my dream of being a first generation college graduate a reality. And I’ve made it farther in life than I ever thought I could. So… that’s why I work here.”

“…Can I ask you one more question?” Jeremy said.

Andre laughed and leaned back in his chair with a sigh.

“What, you don’t want to wait until my life story comes out on DVD?”

Jeremy ignored the joke.

“Why did you answer all my questions? You could have just ignored me or refused. Why let someone you hardly know ask you so many things?”

Andre let out a humorous breath.

“What can I say, I’m an open book, man. I’m cool with hangin’ out with just about anybody. But ya have to tell people about yourself if ya want ‘em to stick around, ya know?”

“You do?”

Andre snorted.

“Uh, yeah! If people go years without knowing anything about you, you’re pretty much just a stranger. At best an acquaintance. So I tell people about me, especially if they ask! Ya never know who’s gonna like what they hear, and keep comin’ back.”

Jeremy furrowed his brow, nodding his head at the information. He hummed and cleared his throat.

“Uh, thanks… Andre,” he croaked, “I appreciate your honesty.”

“S’what it’s all about, man. Now get outta here, go do your fancy time stuff. I’ll see ya next time ya need a crankshaft!” he joked.

“O—Okay. Goodbye,” Jeremy said abruptly, and cued IO to follow him.

The two of them headed out into the hall and began walking back to the Looney Lab with the crankshaft. Jeremy had not expected… any of that to happen. The day seemingly never ceased to shock him. Still, for a reason unbeknownst to him, he felt a bit happier. Perhaps the time away from Madison did it. Although, Andre was quite bizarre. He would have never guessed he’d be so talkative. At least not to Jeremy. IO beeped to get his attention. Jeremy glimpsed down to see IO displaying a silly smile on its screen, looking up at him. He snorted.

“What’s that look for?”

IO blinked playful yellow and pink lights at him like a carnival ride.

“Oh hush,” he nervously laughed, “I was just curious. I only went there for the crankshaft, that’s it.”

The lights shifted to teal and orange.

“You can think what you want,” he sputtered, “But the only thing I got out of that was the crankshaft. Come on, we’ve still got lots of research to do.”

IO let out a high-pitched hum that sunk to a low one that resembled a youthful, disappointed “Okaaaay…”

As Jeremy advanced toward the doors of the Looney Lab, his raw feelings of relief began to fade. He remembered the unsolved issues with Madison, the quickly approaching deadlines for their research, and the mountain of work that was waiting for him. His body felt heavier and worn. The events of the day had already jerked him around through all kinds of feelings. He resorted to his most comfortable, neutral disposition once again.

[morganbelarus]

‘Firestick that s–t’ is how illegal TV, movie streaming went mainstream

Image: Ambar Del Moral, mashable 

Firestick that shit.

It's a phrase I picked up last year, but I'd assumed it was just another passing internet colloquialism related to using Amazon's Fire TV Stick.

Oh how naive.

Over time, I quickly began to glean that this was in fact the new slang for using a Fire TV Stick to somehow pirate movies and TV. But I've run across scores of piracy trends over the years, all of which usually fade into the background after a few months when some new piracy tool comes along.

SEE ALSO: Amazon Alexa update includes sexy talk for 'baby making' music

But this one is different for a couple of reasons.

First, we're currently in what is widely acknowledged as the "golden age of TV," and prestige TV. There have never been more ways to easily and affordably enter the world of OTT via services like Netflix and Sling TV and devices like the Roku and Apple TV. In such an environment, you'd think piracy would lose some of its underground, rule-breaker cool cachet, but it's role as an illegal practice even by the least tech savvy among us has only gained traction.

The proof of that came from an unlikely source: Jamie Foxx. Last month, the Oscar winning film and music star (Baby Driver, Collateral, Ray) appeared as a guest on the Joe Rogan podcast. During the interview, Foxx was candid about his personal life, describing the value of having friends around who might tell him one of his movies sucks, and that they might have to "Firestick that shit" [34:30 mark] instead of paying to see it in the theater.

Similarly, rapper 50 Cent recently went to see the Tupac biopic All Eyez On Me and, disappointed, took to Instagram to say "Man I watched the 2Pac film ... that was some bullshit. Catch that shit on a fire stick."

When an Oscar-winning celebrity is casually talking about people who choose to watch his movies on a "Firestick," on a podcast with millions of listeners, and one of the most famous rappers alive does the same, it's time to take closer look at what's going on here.

A quick search on Twitter reveals that "Firestick that shit" is an incredibly common a phrase among many film and TV fans.

Good thing I got my firestick lol I ain't paying for none of that PPV shit especially UFC lol

Ashton (@NOHSXXA) July 30, 2017

Seen the Tupac movie should of took 50cents word & firestick that shit

iphone chris (@iphonechris) June 21, 2017

Beauty and the Beast was alright. I only cried cause the lovey dovey stuff but other than that FIRESTICK that shit

Butterscotch Cakes (@tristenzeltee) March 18, 2017

And while "Firestick that shit" does refer to the popular, low cost device from Amazon (at $40, it's one of the cheapest OTT hardware options you can find), the Fire TV Stick is by no means the only hardware used to execute this latest form of movie and TV piracy.

It turns out that people have been using Kodi (free, open-source software that's been around since 2002) in conjunction with the Fire TV Stick (released in 2014) and other many other, lesser known devices (usually Android based), for several years to stream pirated content to their televisions.

Back in 2015, Amazon finally decided to ban Kodi (formerly known as XBMC). Kodi, which is a legal app, runs on a wide range of platforms Android, Linux, Windows, OS X, and iOS. The people behind Kodi maintain that the software isn't meant to facilitate piracy, but there are nevertheless third-party add-ons that have been created (and constantly updated) to run on Kodi by third-party developers that facilitate illegal streaming of films and TV shows.

One of the most popular means of obtaining a piracy-ready Fire TV Stick is by purchasing what is called a 'fully loaded Kodi box.'

Although you can load some of these add-ons yourself with a little effort, one of the most popular means of obtaining a piracy-ready Fire TV Stick is by purchasing what is called a "fully loaded Kodi box." A "Kodi box" is a loose, unofficial term used by sellers of the devices that refers to a streaming media box, or a removable device (like the Fire TV Stick) running Kodi. The "fully loaded" term is to let you know that the device has been modified with third-party add-on software for illegal streaming. To be absolutely clear, Kodi just makes the open source software, and the company takes great pains to point out that the sellers of so-called "Kodi boxes" aren't associated with or approved by Kodi the company.

Despite admonitions from Kodi, the sellers continue using the Kodi name when selling these boxes and media sticks, which has led to some confusion with end users. (Yes Kodi is legal. No, what third-party sellers are doing with it is not.) Regardless, buying "fully loaded" Kodi boxes has become so popular that the European Court of Justice banned the sale of such devices back in April.

Because Kodi doesn't track the use of illegal add-ons to its software, it's difficult to nail down the number of people using Kodi boxes to stream illegally, but a recent survey claimed that nearly 5 million people in the UK alone are using illegal Kodi boxes (including modified Fire TV Sticks) and apps to stream pirated film and TV content.

Although we dont have much evidence of end users being prosecuted for using Kodi boxes (yet), it's a different story for those selling the "fully loaded" devices. In February, five sellers of Kodi boxes were arrested in a series of raids, and UK authorities carried out another high profile arrest of a Kodi box seller just two weeks ago.

SEE ALSO: Roku forecast to beat Apple TV, Google, Amazon in the battle for your TV attention, study claims

Unlike torrenting, the relatively passive nature of the streaming piracy facilitated by these Kodi boxes might give some a false sense of security regarding the illegality of their use. So far, most Kodi box legal cases have involved either the content producer or studio going after an ISP hosting a site distributing illegal streams, or authorities pursuing specific Kodi box sellers.

So while authorities are busy chasing down the websites and sellers of these illegal Kodi boxes, the end users, particularly those who use VPNs, continue to openly use these illegal streaming methods without much fear of prosecution (even though using them is technically illegal because you're violating copyright laws). Additionally, major websites including eBay, Amazon, and even Facebook have banned the sale of these Kodi boxes. But like the internet always finds a way, and all it takes is a Google search to surface a wide range of independent sites that still sell Kodi boxes.

Based on the current landscape, and the unending flow of new TV series and blockbuster films, it doesn't look like "Firestick that shit" is about to fall out of use anytime soon, no matter what device used to illegally stream. Luckily, competition among OTT providers like Netflix, Hulu, Sling TV and others is only heating up, which is driving prices down, and making cross platform availability nearly ubiquitous.

Therefore, at this point, with all these easy options on the table, if you're still "Firestickin' that shit," you'll probably never pay for TV unless you're forced to. But enjoy this time, because that "forced to" day is probably coming sooner than we all think.

WATCH: Arya stark's evolution to becoming a badass sword wielding pro on 'Game of Thrones'

More From this publisher : HERE

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‘Firestick that s–t’ is how illegal TV, movie streaming went mainstream was originally posted by 16 MP Just news

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5 Real World Problems That Are Straight Out Of Black Mirror

The future! Rocket ships, lasers, robots — it is truly a far-flung, fantastical place. Except, uh … we have all those things right now, and have for some time. The future isn’t some vague, to-be-determined period of existence; it’s literally tomorrow. So today, humanity has to address issues that would have been inconceivable a few paltry years ago. And frankly, some of this stuff still kind of sounds like someone got stoned and then tried to pitch a Black Mirror episode.

5

Fitbits Are Giving Away Military Intelligence

Nowadays it’s routine for people to wear a fitness tracker, but by allowing our data to be shared, we’re also allowing our habits to be shared. That normally shouldn’t be problematic, unless your spouse is learning that your weekly jog takes you straight to the strip club … or you’re exercising on a classified military installation.

Read Next

Britain Just Created An Immigration Crisis Dumber Than DACA

Thanks to a map that shows the jogging habits of the 27 million people who use Fitbits and the like, we can see splotches of activity in otherwise dark areas, like Iraq and Syria. Some of those splotches are known American military sites full of exercising soldiers, and some, by extrapolation, are sites that the military would rather keep unknown. One journalist saw a lot of exercise activity on a Somalian beach that was suspected to be home to a CIA base. Someone else spotted a suspected missile site in Yemen, and a web of bases in Afghanistan were also revealed.

StravaYet another example of why we at Cracked continue to condemn exercise in all its forms.

By analyzing the data, you could theoretically figure out patrol and supply convoy routes, and make educated guesses as to where on these bases soldiers eat, sleep, etc. That’s a lot of useful information for someone planning an attack. You could also track individuals, potentially important ones. One researcher claimed they tracked a French soldier’s entire overseas deployment and subsequent return home.

This wasn’t an evil ploy by a terrorist cell in league with Big Fitness; you can turn that data tracking off. It’s just that no one even thought about it until someone finally pointed out that it was a huge security issue. American rules for fitness trackers in the military are now being “refined,” which we assume is PR speak for “Goddammit, turn that shit off.” But it’s only a matter of time until another seemingly innocuous technology accidentally gives away state secrets.

4

Space Commercialization Might Contaminate Planets

Elon Musk set a new precedent when he launched a car into space, and not only for tacky egotism. The rules about what corporations can and can’t do in space are essentially nonexistent, because the government’s authority ends somewhere around the thermosphere. Governments, however, have legal responsibilities listed in the Outer Space Treaty — one of the few things America and the Soviet Union agreed on. Most of the world has signed as well, and in addition to promising not to put nukes on the Moon or claim all of Jupiter for the proud people of Denmark, adherents agree not to send Earth germs to other planets like the interplanetary version of coughing on the guy next to you at the movie theater.

That sounds a bit silly, but there’s a real point: If Earth microbes accidentally end up on other planets and moons, it becomes impossible for scientists to tell if their “discovery” of life on Io is native, or if it originated from someone sneezing in a Tesla factory. So NASA and other government space agencies follow a strict anti-contamination protocol. American Mars rovers, for example, had all of their parts heated to 230 degrees before launch, and they are routinely sterilized with alcohol. Even if your mission is only to orbit a planet (or swing by one), you have to prove that the odds of an accidental crash landing are equivalent to that of winning a fair-sized lottery.

Kim Shiflett/NASA“Like, Powerball odds. No Pick 3 crap.”

In theory, governments are also responsible for ensuring that any corporations within their borders follow the same rules. But once you move beyond launching satellites into Earth’s orbit, the government’s ability to enforce the law is about equal to your ability to enforce a responsible bedtime on yourself. Maybe that flying Tesla was carefully sterilized, or maybe Musk went out of his way to fart it up before launch. We don’t know. And as more and more corporations talk about going to the Moon and Mars, we may have a germ problem.

There’s also the issue of debris. While we like to think of space as a pristine void, the Solar System is starting to resemble a freshman’s dorm room. Space missions are supposed to be as clean as possible, and a mission to another planet should either purposely burn up in the atmosphere or land when it’s done. Musk’s car was heading toward Mars, where plans for it were sort of a vague shrug. It could have eventually broken up and left debris around the planet, or it could have infected the surface. But instead, it went off-course toward the asteroid belt … where it could also very well hit something and break up. Worst-case scenario, we end up with a bunch of junk floating around that could take out a future mission. Even if his car never hits anything, Musk still broke bold new ground in space litter.

3

Moderators Have To Watch All The Heinous Garbage That Gets Posted On Social Media

Try to imagine the worst job possible. Sewage sampler? Elephant masturbator? How about social media moderator? It sounds like a joke at first: “Facebook has moderators? Then explain all the crap I see every day!” Then you learn that their job is mostly to filter out pornography, and it sounds awesome. Aren’t you supposed to get paid to do what you love?

But then you learn about the truly awful shit that moderators see as they cruise through a thousand flagged posts an hour, and you want to give them all hugs and raises. Child pornography, bestiality, hate speech, extreme violence … if you can imagine something awful, someone has put it online. Specific examples included a man’s testicles getting crushed, a boy getting his legs mangled by a truck, someone getting hit by a train, a man shooting himself in the head, suicide bombings, a man hurting and possibly killing small birds by having sex with them, and a woman whose body had been blown in two. Imagine dealing with images like that for 40 hours a week. It’s like playing roulette, except the closest you get to winning are shots of consenting genitals smashing together.

Imagine being forced to watch Logan Paul videos and considering that a good day.

Over 100,000 people trawl through e-trash to keep Google, Facebook, YouTube, Twitter, and other major sites (relatively) safe to use. And you can’t click away the moment you can tell a video is getting nasty — you have to verify that the content is real, and learn as much as possible so you can try to destroy it at its source. And while you will become somewhat numb, dealing with the worst of what humanity has to offer day after day can haunt you. Turnover is high, and there are few resources for moderators who need counseling. Which, shit, has to be all of them, right?

2

Facebook’s Fake News Problem Is A Feature, Not A Bug

Despite the fact that you probably took at least one break from reading this to check your Facebook feed, we still think of the site primarily as a vehicle for vacation photos where the worst thing that could happen is getting into a bitter argument with some friends about how to pronounce “GIF.” We’re all too smart to get suckered into politics, right?

But Facebook’s politics come after you. Ten million users saw “Russian-linked” ads placed during the 2016 election, mostly focused on big, controversial issues like immigration and gun control. Facebook also admitted that they placed about $100,000 in ads from “inauthentic accounts.” The issue isn’t ads spamming “Vote for Clinton / Trump / X’algax, Destroyer of Souls!” Everyone already saw those a million times; they’d sway no one. The problem is that they spread stories like “FBI AGENT SUSPECTED IN HILLARY EMAIL LEAKS FOUND DEAD IN APPARENT MURDER-SUICIDE,” which linked to a fake newspaper, quoting a man that doesn’t exist, who lives in a town that doesn’t exist (they spelled the town’s name wrong).

The Denver PostAt this point, we’re starting to doubt the existence of Denver too.

If you see that stuff in your feed, wedged in between a cat video and your friend’s new spaghetti sauce recipe, you don’t click through to verify it. So it weasels into your brain as something you vaguely remember that may or may not be true.

Facebook has also become a playground for trolls, regardless of whether they have a political agenda or just want to watch the e-world burn. If you can think back to the Las Vegas shooting (before all those other shootings removed it from the headlines), a slew of hoaxes spread from the moment the news broke. Some people invented fake dead and missing victims solely to see how many likes they could get. Others claimed that the shooter was still active, invented fake perpetrators, assigned nonexistent motivations to the shooter, or claimed that he was a Democrat, a left-wing activist, or a recent convert to Islam (in reality, if the shooter had any political motives, he took them to his grave).

It’s the cruelest and most devious form of misinformation, because it’s hard to keep your bullshit detector functioning when you’re in shock. Maybe some of those moderators could get a well-deserved break from the animal torture to focus on this crap instead?

1

Someone Could Steal Your Face And Make Porn

We have the technology to swap someone’s face onto someone else’s face in a video. That’s fun if we’re putting Nicholas Cage into Raiders Of The Lost Ark …

… but it’s a problem if someone is making it appear that a person said or did something they didn’t really do. And that problem gains an extra level of creepiness when someone’s face is slapped into a porn video. All it takes is some training, some raw footage of the subject, and a few spare hours. And if you’re the sort of person inclined to make fake porn, you’ve probably got a lot of time on your hand.

Reddit had an entire community dedicated to this “hobby,” until it was shut down, but that only made enthusiasts migrate elsewhere. Called “deepfakes,” after the Reddit user who pioneered the practice, they started editing the faces of celebrities onto preexisting porn. Some of the fakes ended up on porn sites being pitched to viewers as real, because porn is now a genre of fake news.

While it’s unlikely that anyone would believe Taylor Swift was suddenly so hard up for money that she appeared on FuckBrothers.biz, it’s still an ethically off-putting mess. It’s not limited to the living. Someone made a video “starring” a young Carrie Fisher. And it’s not limited to celebrities, either. Anyone armed with a scraper can pull photos from Facebook and Instagram, combine them with any of several search engines that look for porn stars by facial recognition, and make a fairly convincing video of anyone doing pretty much anything. Reddit users were making videos of their friends, co-workers, classmates, and exes. They were “only” for private use, but what happens when someone wants to manufacture revenge porn? So there you go: We’re reaching a point in history where we can’t even trust our pornography. And then what’s left to believe in?

Mark is on Twitter and has a book.

Support Cracked’s journalism with a visit to our Contribution Page. Please and thank you.

For more, check out 5 Ways The Modern World Is Shockingly Ready To Collapse and 22 Everyday Problems Caused By Famous Sci-Fi Technologies.

Follow us on Facebook, and we’ll follow you everywhere.

Read more: http://www.cracked.com/article_25536_5-real-world-problems-that-are-straight-out-black-mirror.html

from Viral News HQ https://ift.tt/2r3SvMP via Viral News HQ

[trendingnewsb]

5 Real World Problems That Are Straight Out Of Black Mirror

The future! Rocket ships, lasers, robots — it is truly a far-flung, fantastical place. Except, uh … we have all those things right now, and have for some time. The future isn’t some vague, to-be-determined period of existence; it’s literally tomorrow. So today, humanity has to address issues that would have been inconceivable a few paltry years ago. And frankly, some of this stuff still kind of sounds like someone got stoned and then tried to pitch a Black Mirror episode.

5

Fitbits Are Giving Away Military Intelligence

Nowadays it’s routine for people to wear a fitness tracker, but by allowing our data to be shared, we’re also allowing our habits to be shared. That normally shouldn’t be problematic, unless your spouse is learning that your weekly jog takes you straight to the strip club … or you’re exercising on a classified military installation.

Read Next

Britain Just Created An Immigration Crisis Dumber Than DACA

Thanks to a map that shows the jogging habits of the 27 million people who use Fitbits and the like, we can see splotches of activity in otherwise dark areas, like Iraq and Syria. Some of those splotches are known American military sites full of exercising soldiers, and some, by extrapolation, are sites that the military would rather keep unknown. One journalist saw a lot of exercise activity on a Somalian beach that was suspected to be home to a CIA base. Someone else spotted a suspected missile site in Yemen, and a web of bases in Afghanistan were also revealed.

StravaYet another example of why we at Cracked continue to condemn exercise in all its forms.

By analyzing the data, you could theoretically figure out patrol and supply convoy routes, and make educated guesses as to where on these bases soldiers eat, sleep, etc. That’s a lot of useful information for someone planning an attack. You could also track individuals, potentially important ones. One researcher claimed they tracked a French soldier’s entire overseas deployment and subsequent return home.

This wasn’t an evil ploy by a terrorist cell in league with Big Fitness; you can turn that data tracking off. It’s just that no one even thought about it until someone finally pointed out that it was a huge security issue. American rules for fitness trackers in the military are now being “refined,” which we assume is PR speak for “Goddammit, turn that shit off.” But it’s only a matter of time until another seemingly innocuous technology accidentally gives away state secrets.

4

Space Commercialization Might Contaminate Planets

Elon Musk set a new precedent when he launched a car into space, and not only for tacky egotism. The rules about what corporations can and can’t do in space are essentially nonexistent, because the government’s authority ends somewhere around the thermosphere. Governments, however, have legal responsibilities listed in the Outer Space Treaty — one of the few things America and the Soviet Union agreed on. Most of the world has signed as well, and in addition to promising not to put nukes on the Moon or claim all of Jupiter for the proud people of Denmark, adherents agree not to send Earth germs to other planets like the interplanetary version of coughing on the guy next to you at the movie theater.

That sounds a bit silly, but there’s a real point: If Earth microbes accidentally end up on other planets and moons, it becomes impossible for scientists to tell if their “discovery” of life on Io is native, or if it originated from someone sneezing in a Tesla factory. So NASA and other government space agencies follow a strict anti-contamination protocol. American Mars rovers, for example, had all of their parts heated to 230 degrees before launch, and they are routinely sterilized with alcohol. Even if your mission is only to orbit a planet (or swing by one), you have to prove that the odds of an accidental crash landing are equivalent to that of winning a fair-sized lottery.

Kim Shiflett/NASA“Like, Powerball odds. No Pick 3 crap.”

In theory, governments are also responsible for ensuring that any corporations within their borders follow the same rules. But once you move beyond launching satellites into Earth’s orbit, the government’s ability to enforce the law is about equal to your ability to enforce a responsible bedtime on yourself. Maybe that flying Tesla was carefully sterilized, or maybe Musk went out of his way to fart it up before launch. We don’t know. And as more and more corporations talk about going to the Moon and Mars, we may have a germ problem.

There’s also the issue of debris. While we like to think of space as a pristine void, the Solar System is starting to resemble a freshman’s dorm room. Space missions are supposed to be as clean as possible, and a mission to another planet should either purposely burn up in the atmosphere or land when it’s done. Musk’s car was heading toward Mars, where plans for it were sort of a vague shrug. It could have eventually broken up and left debris around the planet, or it could have infected the surface. But instead, it went off-course toward the asteroid belt … where it could also very well hit something and break up. Worst-case scenario, we end up with a bunch of junk floating around that could take out a future mission. Even if his car never hits anything, Musk still broke bold new ground in space litter.

3

Moderators Have To Watch All The Heinous Garbage That Gets Posted On Social Media

Try to imagine the worst job possible. Sewage sampler? Elephant masturbator? How about social media moderator? It sounds like a joke at first: “Facebook has moderators? Then explain all the crap I see every day!” Then you learn that their job is mostly to filter out pornography, and it sounds awesome. Aren’t you supposed to get paid to do what you love?

But then you learn about the truly awful shit that moderators see as they cruise through a thousand flagged posts an hour, and you want to give them all hugs and raises. Child pornography, bestiality, hate speech, extreme violence … if you can imagine something awful, someone has put it online. Specific examples included a man’s testicles getting crushed, a boy getting his legs mangled by a truck, someone getting hit by a train, a man shooting himself in the head, suicide bombings, a man hurting and possibly killing small birds by having sex with them, and a woman whose body had been blown in two. Imagine dealing with images like that for 40 hours a week. It’s like playing roulette, except the closest you get to winning are shots of consenting genitals smashing together.

Imagine being forced to watch Logan Paul videos and considering that a good day.

Over 100,000 people trawl through e-trash to keep Google, Facebook, YouTube, Twitter, and other major sites (relatively) safe to use. And you can’t click away the moment you can tell a video is getting nasty — you have to verify that the content is real, and learn as much as possible so you can try to destroy it at its source. And while you will become somewhat numb, dealing with the worst of what humanity has to offer day after day can haunt you. Turnover is high, and there are few resources for moderators who need counseling. Which, shit, has to be all of them, right?

2

Facebook’s Fake News Problem Is A Feature, Not A Bug

Despite the fact that you probably took at least one break from reading this to check your Facebook feed, we still think of the site primarily as a vehicle for vacation photos where the worst thing that could happen is getting into a bitter argument with some friends about how to pronounce “GIF.” We’re all too smart to get suckered into politics, right?

But Facebook’s politics come after you. Ten million users saw “Russian-linked” ads placed during the 2016 election, mostly focused on big, controversial issues like immigration and gun control. Facebook also admitted that they placed about $100,000 in ads from “inauthentic accounts.” The issue isn’t ads spamming “Vote for Clinton / Trump / X’algax, Destroyer of Souls!” Everyone already saw those a million times; they’d sway no one. The problem is that they spread stories like “FBI AGENT SUSPECTED IN HILLARY EMAIL LEAKS FOUND DEAD IN APPARENT MURDER-SUICIDE,” which linked to a fake newspaper, quoting a man that doesn’t exist, who lives in a town that doesn’t exist (they spelled the town’s name wrong).

The Denver PostAt this point, we’re starting to doubt the existence of Denver too.

If you see that stuff in your feed, wedged in between a cat video and your friend’s new spaghetti sauce recipe, you don’t click through to verify it. So it weasels into your brain as something you vaguely remember that may or may not be true.

Facebook has also become a playground for trolls, regardless of whether they have a political agenda or just want to watch the e-world burn. If you can think back to the Las Vegas shooting (before all those other shootings removed it from the headlines), a slew of hoaxes spread from the moment the news broke. Some people invented fake dead and missing victims solely to see how many likes they could get. Others claimed that the shooter was still active, invented fake perpetrators, assigned nonexistent motivations to the shooter, or claimed that he was a Democrat, a left-wing activist, or a recent convert to Islam (in reality, if the shooter had any political motives, he took them to his grave).

It’s the cruelest and most devious form of misinformation, because it’s hard to keep your bullshit detector functioning when you’re in shock. Maybe some of those moderators could get a well-deserved break from the animal torture to focus on this crap instead?

1

Someone Could Steal Your Face And Make Porn

We have the technology to swap someone’s face onto someone else’s face in a video. That’s fun if we’re putting Nicholas Cage into Raiders Of The Lost Ark …

… but it’s a problem if someone is making it appear that a person said or did something they didn’t really do. And that problem gains an extra level of creepiness when someone’s face is slapped into a porn video. All it takes is some training, some raw footage of the subject, and a few spare hours. And if you’re the sort of person inclined to make fake porn, you’ve probably got a lot of time on your hand.

Reddit had an entire community dedicated to this “hobby,” until it was shut down, but that only made enthusiasts migrate elsewhere. Called “deepfakes,” after the Reddit user who pioneered the practice, they started editing the faces of celebrities onto preexisting porn. Some of the fakes ended up on porn sites being pitched to viewers as real, because porn is now a genre of fake news.

While it’s unlikely that anyone would believe Taylor Swift was suddenly so hard up for money that she appeared on FuckBrothers.biz, it’s still an ethically off-putting mess. It’s not limited to the living. Someone made a video “starring” a young Carrie Fisher. And it’s not limited to celebrities, either. Anyone armed with a scraper can pull photos from Facebook and Instagram, combine them with any of several search engines that look for porn stars by facial recognition, and make a fairly convincing video of anyone doing pretty much anything. Reddit users were making videos of their friends, co-workers, classmates, and exes. They were “only” for private use, but what happens when someone wants to manufacture revenge porn? So there you go: We’re reaching a point in history where we can’t even trust our pornography. And then what’s left to believe in?

Mark is on Twitter and has a book.

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