#margarita literally says the same in master and margarita. and you must listen to her

[forlorngarden]

all these pick up gurus look so foolish because the key to attractiveness has long been discovered. it's being very good at something

[twistednuns]

February 2020

I managed to use my iPad as a second monitor for my computer. So tech savvy. Yay me!

Joking about developing a sex-based cardio programme with Manu. Powerfucking! Might help against aggression as well.

A late night phone call with Tom. Not saying much.

Making a huge pot of my grandmother’s signature veggie stew.

More Bon Appétit test kitchen videos. Chris recreating tacos. Claire making Ben&Jerry’s. Priya making her mum’s Indian curries.

Writing a letter to Lena. Drawing upside down bats (which makes them look like they’re having a wicked dance-off). Just the act of writing. I thoroughly enjoy looking at my handwriting.

Using the Salted Coconut handscrub by Lush. Especially now that I wash my hands so often when we’re working with clay at school. I feel like the peeling triggers some pressure points on my palms.

That Saturday productivity high. Cooking and preparing heaps of stuff, cleaning the windows, doing laundry.

Painting my nails like an expressionist artist.

Some portrait studies. Accidentally drawing Sirius Black.

Being really motivated to improve my Spanish. Working with Lorena, the Duolingo app and even starting my own grammar/vocabulary book.

This ultra quirky ASMR video. Also: watching videos with Erin an her boyfriend Chris. It’s amazing how well they work together. How you can almost feel their connection, how similar they are.

Carrot cake oats.

Seeing the The Darkness live again, this time with Margit. Justin’s outfit and personality, singing along, especially to Time of my Life, the band’s traditional first song after the show.

Meeting Chris. Having a Bramblette cocktail at Pusser’s. I like that place. Feels very old-timey with a rowing boat right under the ceiling. We made out in front of a tiger slide in a toy store window on our way to the next bar.

Peeling fresh carrots.

Pickling onions and making kimchi. My fermentation game is strong these days!

Looking through Dominik’s sketchbook. I loved the tree whose bark resembled a mole burrow with its underground tunnel system.

The flu. Yes, really. Fewer pupils at school. Quiet times. I’m actually surprisingly healthy. I’d guess my probiotics must play a role here… Who knows.

More sourdough experiments. Writing about it (DELICACY - a haiku. Oven-warm sourdough / salted butter, alpine cheese / and a strawberry).

Finding a really interesting list of SanFran hippie era book recommendations at the end of Robin Sloan’s Ajax Penumbra: 1969. In the mood to read Maya Angelou, Tom Wolfe, Jack Kerouac, Richard Brautigan.

Even more beautiful books: I really enjoyed Die weiße Stadt by Karolina Ramqvist, a feminist author from Sweden, and the graphic novel version of To Kill a Mockingbird. But two books that literally (well, figuratively obviously) blew my mind were Circe by Madeline Miller (mythology, loneliness, animals and plants, magic and monsters, some desperate kind of feminism, independence and strength) and Ninth House by Leigh Bardugo (magical realms, university setting, psychological depth, unexpected twists and turns). I haven’t read anything comparable in a very long time and I desperately hope that there’s more to come from these authors.

A beach collecting all the world’s single socks in The Magicians. Oh and of course seeing them break the moon. What a sight. The show is super confusing, obnoxious and absolutely fabulous at the same time. Best example: the Freaky Friday szene in which Margo and Eliot switch bodies. I love how the actors took on each other’s speech patterns and behaviour.

A new addition to my colour vocabular: celadon (a greyish green; there is a type of ceramics you’ll only see in this colour which is not surprising since the shade provides such an interesting contrast to the the earthy, rusty orange of burnt clay.)

Manu telling me that he had rarely seen people with more joy in their eyes than me (“Ich habe schon Freude in deinen Augen gesehen! So ein Leuchten kann man nicht simulieren.”) after complaining about being bored and lifeless. / Making curry with or, well, for him the other night. Drinking Liqueur 43 with cinnamon and milk. Playing the Jackbox party games for which you can use your phone as a controller.

Finding myself in a well-known sitation from the past. Lying in Frank’s bed in the early morning hours, not that tired yet, when he starts talking about his life and his depression. In English, obviously, because that’s our emotional filter. Relating, since I feel quite similar. Coming up with a suggestion for a reciprocal support system. Let’s see what we can do for each other.

Looking at travel photographs. The sea, the cenotes. Longing to go back to Mexico or Australia. Diving. Taking it all in.

Dreaming of my grandmother talking about her biggest regrets in life. Weirdly she was in a little bundle under a coffee table, much like Voldemort in the last Harry Potter movie.

My weird, weird brain. How both pleasure and pain enhance my sense of smell and increase my brain activity, almost causing hallucinations and fixations on ideas. Like geometric shapes in gloomy off-colours and a beige silicon-like surface the other night. All I could think of was a benchscraper.

Blue eyeliner.

Brainstorming three-letter-words with Frank since I’m thinking of getting personalised Nike Blazers. Sad cat. Yes but. Dat ass. Why tho.

Flying squirrels. Watching them wobble through the air. How they look like cute exhibitionist when they’re extending their limbs and thus stretching their, well, let’s just call it wings.

The fact that red cabbage has an intricate pattern like brain convolutions when you cut it open.

Talking to Sonja for the first time in over two years. What a strange person. Interesting, too. At least in homeopathic doses.

Ripe strawberries and nectarines. Oh my god. I love fruit.

Meeting Eve at Pub Quiz. She identifies as female, loves swing dance, used to be an animator and I love her style. Also, I realised that really like Betty. And Dennis wasn’t mean to me for once. I love my nerd friends <3 And I learned that Starbucks was named after the first mate in Moby Dick! Also, coincidentally they asked a question about the city where To Kill a Mockingbird takes place (Maycombe, Alabama) after I had read it the week before.

Inviting Lorena to the Botanical Gardens. I always feel very happy and very much myself when I’m there. I sometimes wish I was a gardener. Lorena was late so I walked along the Spring Path outside and it might have been the first time I’ve seen a brussels sprouts plant. Inside I learned lots of Spanish words and marveled at the incredible butterflies. The huge yellow one right behind the entrance was my favourite. Its delicate feelers were fascinating.

Washing my hands at the Keg’s bathroom. Looking into the mirror. Suddenly thinking of the perfect karaoke song… Rescue Me by Bell Book and Candle! I kept singing it for days on repeat. My neighbour must hate me (nothing new here) especially since my voice is too low for the chorus.

It isn’t hard to see how such attachment patterns can undermine mental health. Both anxious and avoidant coping have been linked to a heightened risk of anxiety, depression, loneliness, eating and conduct disorders, alcohol dependence, substance abuse and hostility. The way to treat these problems, say attachment theorists, is in and through a new relationship. On this view, the good therapist becomes a temporary attachment figure, assuming the functions of a nurturing mother, repairing lost trust, restoring security, and instilling two of the key skills engendered by a normal childhood: the regulation of emotions and a healthy intimacy. // An interesting article on attachment styles and why theraphy works; it makes me want to learn more about attachment theory. This School of Life video is a nice addition as well.

That dream. About a book shop modeled after my picture of Penumbra’s 24-hour bookstore. There was an old man in a very narrow but high-ceilinged room full of books. There was no light source except for moonlight or some street lights. There were loads of stairs, very steep, leading to the back of the house. Upstairs the man would set out cat food and on the rooftop there was an old sailing boat. One day the man decided to open the door to the roof and let visitors see the ship, much like a museum; perhaps to attract customers. However, in the next night a cat-shaped ghost appeared who reminded me quite a lot of Kot Behemoth character in Mikhail Bulgakov’s The Master and Margarita. The ghost was not amused about the old man’s decision and took away his key, a big golden one adorned with a red ribbon.

Toasted sesame makes pretty much every dish so much better.

Watching High Fidelity with gorgeous Zoe Kravitz (I adore her effortless style and her outfits), getting in the mood for making a playlist and listening to more music in general. There are all these great songs out there I forgot about.

Remembering the xkcd storm chaser comics.

Making a wicked good batch of Pho for Tom.

Spending a nice evening with Alex at Shamrock. Singing along to American Boy by Estelle. Confirming the hypothesis that the nerdy, quiet ones usually have a freak streak. That moment in the morning. Eye contact and kegel exercises.

Karaoke with Margit and Betty. Meeting Manu’s doppelganger. Same type, looks, voice. Eerie.

Making a BA Gourmet Makes meme for Steffen after he had passed his law examps. Strangely Gaby kinda looked like him after I was done with it.

Saturday morning in bed. Reading comics and graphic novels. Fresh bedclothes, surrounded by books. Since it was February 29 I thought about leap years and asked a few friends what their inner seven-year-old would have done that day (based on the thought experiment that your birthday was on February 29 and you’d age in 4-year-steps which would divide your age by 4 obviously).      

I came up with: visiting grandma / eating Cini-Minis / falling asleep with my face buried in a cat / beating my neighbour Anna at Memory / drawing while listening to a Bibi Blocksberg cassette.

Alex said he’d have been outside all day, building a snow igloo. Not noticing his mum telling him to come to dinner. If the weather had been bad he would have played with his dinosaur collection. His inner 7-year-old was a hopeless dreamer who got agitated whenever his parents had a fight. Who came home late from school every day because he forgot about time when he was talking to his friend next to a hedge with thorns that looked like tiny airplanes.

Lena said she would have been outside all day long, playing in the mud with the neighbours’ kids. Of course.

[wildflower8281]

My Arizona Adventure

February 2, 2017

February 2nd is historically a big day for me. Thirteen years ago today, I entered the convent, a stage of my life that lasted almost 8 years and has informed my person in innumerable ways. One year ago today, I flew across the country on a 1-way ticket, marking another start on a journey that has shaped me into more of who I am meant to be in this world. Big things happen on this day in my life. In pagan spirituality, February 2nd is called Ibolc and is celebrated as the Festival of Light, the returning of the sun, as it marks the halfway point between winter and spring. It is when we first begin to notice the signs of spring, blossoms, green, hope, warmth. Christianity eventually put their spin on this celebration of nature and named it Candlemas, citing the infant Christ as the light of the world. Either way, it’s a day about Light. In religious life, I was given the name Lumen Christi, or Light of Christ. While I do not identify as a christian or a catholic anymore, I still hold the essence of Lumen as my own and believe Light to be who I am at my core. February 2nd, the Festival of Light always moves me….sometimes just interiorly, but sometimes literally into big, new adventures, leaps into a new chapter…

A year ago today, I hopped on a 1-way flight to Phoenix, Arizona knowing in my heart that things were just gonna work out. And as I write this today and look back on my year here, I am so very grateful for all the ways that Life truly has worked out and the Universe really has upheld and embraced me here. This writing is part story and part litany of gratitude…

For about the third time in my life, I had left a place of work that did not feel like where I was supposed to be anymore. I was in between jobs and it was mid-January in cold, wintery NJ. I intended on going to visit my Dad and stepmom in Arizona for a few weeks just to get some sun and to recalibrate. Very quickly, as I began to have Arizona on my mind, the idea of a visit turned into the idea of a life out there. A co-worker said, “You should just buy a 1-way ticket and see what’s out there for you!” My entire being responded to that sentence and I will forever be grateful to Michelle for speaking what came on her heart that moment. From then on, it was as if Arizona was pulling me out here and, even though I didn’t have any answers or plans, I knew to trust that feeling. I wasn’t scared. There was a deep calmness and overall feeling that this was the right move for me, so I continued to follow that feeling and didn’t really care what anyone else thought.  It was confirmed when I asked my dad & stepmom if I could in fact just buy a 1-way ticket, stay with them and see if I could land a job out here – as they were thinking the same thing and going to suggest it to me!

A year ago today, I did not have a job, a place of my own or friends out here. A year ago today I landed in this desert and little did I know how generous it would be to me! It is quite amazing when you just listen to your heart and not let the world scare you. You can make some pretty brave moves and you’ll be surprised by how much the stars align for you.

I must say that none of my life here in AZ could have happened without the generosity of both my mom Susan & sister Erin in New Jersey, and my dad, his wife Erin and Fitz family out here in AZ. After almost 8 years in the convent, I returned home to my mom in 2011 and spent four amazing years with her on the farm, learning how to be me again. She received my broken, exhausted, lost self and gave me the space, love and support to heal, grow and learn to be brave and strong again. My mom’s love has informed my own heart more than any other person in my life. My sister Erin always embraces my choices and always stands by my side, even when it means leaving her. That is brave and that is love. And without her love, I would not feel whole and would not be who I am today. She welcomed me home post covent and she supported me as I moved out west. She is my person and always will be. My dad and his wife Erin so generously welcomed me into their home and allowed me to live with them until I got on my own two feet. They gave me a foundation here, they supported my hopes, they listened to my ramblings, they made me margaritas and put up with my weird yoga ways outside every morning….they showed their love in actions and for all these things, I will forever be grateful. My aunts out here in AZ also supported me whole heartedly: Mary Kay allowed me to hole up in her house, using her laptop to job hunt and apply. Aunt Barb always kept an ear out for me whether it was for jobs or places to live, and she passed her bike onto me, which I now ride to work daily! They opened their lives here to me, for whatever I needed. 

It goes without saying that my best friend in life, Lindsay, lives in my heart at each step, walks with me and knows my journey and story like no other. She is my soul friend from all ages, who upholds my spirit and mirrors my light with her love. Amore & Lumen ad eternum.

In New Jersey, I rediscovered myself, I healed, and I was very, very loved….I was sent off knowing that I would always be loved and supported….in Arizona, I was received just the same. If only every human could have these gifts! I wish them upon everyone and am daily grateful for them in my life. Because I feel so blessed, my main priority in life is to make the people in my life feel heard, loved, supported…to look people in the eyes, to listen and connect. In my opinion, once people feel heard, loved, and supported, then they can go out and heal the world however they are meant to – be it through art, music, medicine, laughter, teaching, etc. I don’t need or want big, loud things in life or on my resume, I want to be the quiet, steady whisper in people’s hearts & lives that they are loved, that they shine bright and that they have meaning in this world.

Just as flying one way across the country without a job or any answers isn’t the norm, nor was my plan for job hunting. I didn’t waste my time frantically applying to every random thing. I promised myself that I would only apply to places that aligned with my values and lifestyle, which mainly included health and art in all forms. The first place I applied was a tiny yoga studio called Funke Yoga. It was my first application and my first job offer! This was about 3 weeks in. I will always be grateful to Mara for hiring me, as it was that little part time job at the yoga studio that was my first concrete anchor here in AZ. During my time at Funke, I met two of my first friends who I am grateful now I call my best friends here, Rose & Lee….or as my dad and Erin refer to them: RosenLee, since I always mention them together! They are my crew, my fam, we are nerds who love food, laughter, yoga and root beer. They keep my heart light and bring me much joy. I love them dearly. They are the first two who made me believe that I would find my people out here. And I have.

Following Funke, I only applied to 3 other places: an art center, a handcrafted local soap company and a chiropractors office. I was invited for interviews at all 3. The soap company ended up moving to Oregon. While the chiropractor paid better, the art center felt better and for me, that makes all the difference. There was about a 3 week span between my first interview and getting the job at Phoenix Center for the Arts, but I had stopped looking and applying elsewhere. I knew the position was for me and I just lived my life knowing that it was the right fit. When Lauren called to offer me the job, I was out hiking and answered from the mountain!

When I think of all the amazing people and connections I have made since working at PCA, it blows my mind space! First of all, my coworkers are a bunch of freaking brilliant badasses, who create, maneuver and shape-shift all day, every day, all the while being kind, patient and usually hilarious. I am grateful for the freedom, the expansive energy and the fun comraderie that is fostered at PCA. I have never really been more proud of the people I work with and humbled to be a part of their amazing team:

·         Joseph – thank you for your warmth, open spirit and for believing in the best parts of me and us. And for bringing Joy into our family!

·         Lauren – thank you for your sense of humor, lightheartedness and for patiently teaching me skills and encouraging me to trust myself again. I couldn’t ask for and wouldn’t want another supervisor/friend/team member all rolled into one.

·         Lane – thank you for your kindness and willingness to use your mastery to make everything amazing. And for your specialized lingo that I thoroughly enjoy!

·         Jessica – thank you for living in the barrio with me, for having a super fun spirit and for seeing in me more than I see sometimes. And for your great laugh.

·         Jessi – my fellow transplant! Thank you for your under the radar badassness, your kind energy and the way you can do all the things!

·         Mirinda – what can I say?! Thank you for making me laugh, for thinking of us always and for listening, friend!

·         David – thank you for your friendliness and for always making me feel supported and safe, esp on evening shifts! And for sharing your food with me!

·         Lindsey – thank you for your generosity with your gifts, you have a depth of perception that most do not. I love being late nite shift buddies!

·         Melissa – thank you for cleaning up our messes in a most masterful way! Your gifts are greatly appreciated and I admire your organization and adventurous spirit!

·         Sonya – the newest addition! I am stoked you are with us and thrilled to work with you and have more time to get to know each other. You clearly have many gifts to share. Thank you for your amazing spirit.

·         Kaitlyn – who would have thought that from across the country, I’d become friends with the girl whose position I took! It’s no surprise to me that we have become hiking buddies! I knew the moment I saw you that we had a similar spirit.

·         Laura – thank you for warmly welcoming me, patiently teaching me skills my first few months and introducing me to Lola!

And to all the amazing instructors, PCA regulars & Radio Phoenix people who have welcomed me like family and who make me look forward to going to work each day and week: Don, John, Ingrid, Ann, Mike, Colette, Char, Marilyn, Liz, Michele, Brian, Jess, Andrea, Betsi, Fabrice, Michaela, Nubia, Carly, Travis, Robert….

They say timing is everything and two very special people I met during my first months at PCA have become true life friends, even though they left PCA shortly after: Dorothee and Jose. Dorothee is like 10 years my minor, but we just clicked and became very close right away. She is a true best friend with whom I can share anything and for whom I would do anything. She has supported me during difficult moments and visa versa. We only worked together for a few months at PCA, but that was all we needed to form our friendship, one that is a true pillar of my life here.

Jose I also met during my first week at PCA, as he was a front desk volunteer. He was a quiet, seemingly shy guy, but kind and so polite. As is my custom, I like to engage people beyond the normal surface questions, so as the weeks went on, I would linger at the desk and intend to get to know this human who Life had arranged to be in my place of work a few times a week.  I sensed that he was like me, in that we aren’t amazing in groups, but are masters at 1-on-1 conversing. And I was right. Once I got Jose talking, we found out that we could talk forever! And, without sounding cliché, that was the beginning of a beautiful friendship  – one full of late nite talks, hiking, coffee on the patio, cooking adventures, library dates and chasing the moon and stars. Jose stopped volunteering in the summer, but again, I am amazed at the timing of the Universe, as it aligned our time at PCA just right, so that we had enough time to warm up and become friends…a relationship that has brought me even more alive than I already felt and for which I am so grateful.

And so here I sit in my Dollhouse on February 2, 2017. A year ago today, I had no job, no friends and no place of my own out here. I just had a knowing in my heart. I flew across the country with that knowing tucked deep down where I promised I wouldn’t let anyone take it, I fell asleep at nite to that knowing and just kept listening to it as the days and weeks unfolded out here. Today I sit in my guesthouse that is the perfect little space for me, my first ever space of my own, I look around and can only be grateful for how that knowing in my heart has manifested into a life out here that I love. It is a simple life, a happy life. It fills my heart, brings me alive and allows me to receive others as Arizona received me: generously, warmly and with an open heart. So, once again, on February 2nd, I am moved. I look around and see that I am surrounded by bright lights here….a true Festival of Light, with much sprouting and blossoming, and so many good things! May we all shine brightly in this world, just as we are meant to, for in the end, the light always overcomes the darkness. I promise.