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murdock-and-the-sea · 1 year

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nepenthe · matt murdock x reader

nepenthe (n.)

something that can make you forget grief or suffering

pairing: college!matt x reader

word count: 2k

warnings: MY BLOG IS 18+ ONLY MINORS DNI. angst, feeling sick, mentions of blood tests, fear of needles, reader struggling with weight gain and body image

a/n: Self-indulgence? What is THAT? Ahahaha. Hahaha. Haaa... ಥ_ಥ Also pls excuse my rust af writing.

Divider by @firefly-graphics.

Matt was angry at himself for not noticing it sooner. But something was definitely off with you today from the start.

First, you missed your morning classes, which you never did unless you had a good reason to. You loved Criminal Law, fighting your way to the front row and took pride in the fact that everyone turned to you when they needed notes. But even after the first break, you were a no-show, so he tried calling you several times.

When you didn’t pick up, he managed to get Foggy to send you a text, asking if everything was ok. He tried not to show it, but he was getting worried, too. Which only drove home the point that this was very uncharacteristic of you. In the middle of your next class, the phone dinged with a message, apologizing and letting the both of them know you were on your way.

Not ten minutes later, in the middle of Legal Research, you awkwardly creeped in through the door, much to the vexation of the professor, who merely huffed at you for interrupting his speech. You sneaked a shy wave towards them and took the first empty seat you could find.

Foggy leaned in close, whispering to him about how pale and tired you looked; and he could feel it, too. Anxiety was practically oozing out of you, and you were drinking an awful lot of water.

“You think they're sick?” Foggy asked, but Matt wasn’t sure. It didn’t seem like you had a fever.

But he would get to the bottom of this.

After class, you tried to play it cool and brush it off. All you were willing to say was that you had a doctor’s appointment. “Just a checkup,” you reassured, and it wasn’t a lie, technically. But Matt could tell you were skidding around the truth, though he refrained from pushing you too hard.

It wasn’t until you were all walking across the campus that he reached the end of his patience. Foggy was animatedly telling you about what you missed that morning when you stumbled and fell over, almost dragging Matt down with you. He managed to grab your arm just in time, pulling you up and Foggy rushing over to your other side to help.

You really didn’t mean to. You specifically wanted to avoid telling them anything because you didn’t want to make them worry. But your stupid appointment left you lightheaded and dizzy, and it was hot and Foggy was talking and you tried to pay attention, barely hearing him over the ringing in your ears… Next thing you know, you were yanked up by Matt just in time to keep you from hitting the ground.

Foggy was ready to run for the nurse, but you managed to convince them there was no need for that, and that you just got dizzy. Matt was annoyed, you could tell. Curtly, he demanded you explain, but only after you had something to drink and layed down. Their dorms were closer and reluctantly, you let them take you to their shared room, guarding you from both sides despite your protests. This is exactly what you wanted to avoid, but fighting them was pointless.

Now, you were laying on your back across Matt’s bed, eyes closed as you tried to relax and even your breathing. He sat down next to you, the bed dipping under his weight.

“Why didn’t you tell us?” he asked, sounding more hurt than angry.

You opened your eyes, heaving a big sigh as you stared up at the ceiling. “Because it was just a blood test, it wasn’t supposed to be a big deal.”

“Not a big deal? They stabbed you three times, like a pin cushion!” Foggy exclaimed. He was sitting across the room on his own bed but you could feel his worried gaze - the both of their gazes - as if they were waiting for you to inevitably get sick again.

“They had to take different samples. It was for an insulin test.” you said meekly. Absent-mindedly, your hands brushed over one of the small bruises on your arm.

Matt furrowed his brow. This was the first time he was hearing about this, unaware of you having any medical issues. “A what?”

“A 3-point insulin resistance test. It’s like,...” you paused, groaning internally.

You really didn’t mean to burden them with this, but after your fall, you supposed they deserved an explanation. You really gave them quite a scare. “First they take a blood sample to check your blood sugar. And then you have to drink this disgusting cup filled with a lot of sugar and a little water, and then they take another blood sample after an hour, and then another after two hours have passed. To see your insulin levels.”

“Is it for…?”

“It’s to check for diabetes, and insulin resistance, yeah.”

There was a bit of silence, Matt reaching out to take your hand in his, fingertips skimming over your skin soothingly. “Is everything okay?”

“You’re not ill, are you?” Foggy asked from the other end.

Gosh, you could cry from how sweet and caring and worried they were. But it made you feel so guilty.

“I’m not. I-I think.” There were a few tears brimming in your eyes already. It was so stupid. “I just.. I’m sorry. I just struggled with my weight recently, so I went to see a doctor and-”

“Sweetheart,” Matt interrupted, in the most tender way possible. “There’s nothing wrong with your-”

“No, no, I know. I know, okay?” You pulled your hand away, instinctively wrapping your arms around your body. You could see it hurt Matt, but he didn’t force you, wanting to give you space if you needed.

It was so bloody stupid.

“I know it’s not a big deal, and that it could be worse, but I was really struggling, and I wanted to feel better about myself. And I tried paying attention to what I was eating, but it just- i-it wasn’t doing anything?”

Matt’s mind was speeding, trying to remember if you’ve ever mentioned this to him. Vaguely, he recalled how you often skipped eating together these past few weeks, claiming that you already had lunch, or politely declined the snacks they offered to share.

He didn’t think it meant anything other than you not feeling hungry, but now… if Matt was angry at himself before, now he was furious for not noticing. He was about to scold you - as gently as possible - but Foggy beat him to it.

“You didn’t start one of those crazy diets, did you?!”

At least, his exclamation brought a weak smile to your face, however fleeting. “Nah, don’t worry. I’m smarter than that, at least. I just tried to get better food, and did all the stupid things like drinking more water, and going on walks. But even after a few months, it was just-”

How could you explain it to them? It was hard to grasp, even for you. It was like your body despised you, refusing to cooperate and instead, turning against you. Like it was ignoring the rules that applied to everybody else, clinging to everything you gave it, refusing to let go.

You knew it wasn’t healthy to think about it this way, but you had so many classmates who just looked better than you. Thinner. Prettier. More natural. And it was blood-boiling how they seemingly had it all figured out, eating what they wanted and worrying about it later.

When your thoughts were getting nastier, and you felt worse about yourself than ever before, you realized that maybe you need a little help. You sought out a dietitian, who, despite your initial fears, was very understanding and patient with you. She actually listened and took notes about your family history. When you mentioned your grandmother had diabetes and thyroid gland problems, she immediately suggested taking some tests.

You didn’t want to tell Matt because you’ve only been dating for a short while, already feeling guilty for having so much baggage. Even if deep down, you knew he would support you through this. He was truly so sweet and kind, along with Foggy.

In the end, you just sighed. “I just wanted to make sure I’m doing things right, and the doctor seemed nice when she suggested the test. But I swear, I wasn’t starving myself.”

“You still got pretty dizzy today, yeah?” Matt asked, opening his palm and with a smile, you slid your hand back, entwining your fingers with his.

“Yeah, I don’t handle blood tests too well. I don’t like the needles.”

Foggy snorted. “This is why you should have taken us. We could have blindfolded you in the waiting room so you didn’t have to see.”

Matt burst out in laughter so unexpectedly that it was contagious and, despite still feeling a little sick, you couldn’t help but laugh yourself.

“I’m not sure that would be a good thing to do, but, thanks, Foggy.”

“We really don’t mind going with you next time, you know.” Matt offered, gently squeezing your hand. “If you want.”

It was silly that they wouldn’t support you, now that you thought of it.

“It would be nice, yeah. Sorry for not telling you about it. I didn’t even know it was going to last this long, and I had to go on an empty stomach, and couldn’t drink or eat anything in-between the samples… it was hard.”

There was a pause.

“But you did eat after it, right?” Matt asked, voice stern.

Shit.

You quickly averted your gaze from him, only to be met with the deadliest glare you have ever seen from Foggy.

Shit.

“I was in a hurry to make it to class!”

“That’s no excuse!”

“But—!”

“Sweetheart, what were you thinking?”

“I don’t know! I wasn’t thinking!”

“You have to eat something, right now.”

You groaned in defeat, grabbing Matt’s pillow and pulling it over your head.

“Fine, I’ll go grab something from the cafeteria.” Foggy said, climbing off his bed. “Matt, make sure they stay here.”

“I’m not a prisoner, Foggy!” You exclaimed, throwing the pillow in his general direction.

“Oh, you’re staying sweetheart, don’t worry.”

Once Foggy left, you promptly climbed over so you could lay your head in Matt’s lap, wrapping your arms around his waist. He chuckled, rubbing your back.

“You know we’re only doing this for you, right?”

“Yeah, yeah, you are both mother hens, I know.” You mumbled, pressing your face against his shirt. You took a deep breath, inhaling his scent and letting it calm you.

After a little silence, Matt brushed his fingers over your cheeks lovingly. “You really scared me today.”

“I’m sorry, Matt. I really am.”

“It’s ok, sweetheart. I’m not angry. But please,” he said, voice so low as he almost pleaded with you. “Don’t do it again.”

“I won’t, I promise.” You held him a bit tighter, and you both fell to a comfortable, peaceful silence.

It was only interrupted by a knock on the door a few minutes later.

“I hope you guys are decent,” Foggy said, carefully opening the door “cause I don’t wanna drop these sandwiches.”

“Foggy!”

You couldn’t even get angry at them. Most of your guilt has evaporated when you saw how ready they were to help, and if you wanted to be truly honest with yourself, it felt good to be doted on a little.

They were more than ready to entertain you all afternoon but after eating, you still felt a little tired, so Matt walked you back to your own dorm room. You thanked him for everything they did, and of course, being the sweet guy he is, he brushed it off as nothing to worry about.

He waited until you got comfortable in bed, leaning to press a kiss to your forehead. “I will always love you, no matter what happens, angel. And if you want to feel better, or just more comfortable about yourself, I’ll be here with you through that too, okay?”

You barely managed to squeak out a reply, eyes teary but feeling so loved by him. He gave you one last, quick kiss goodbye before he left to let you rest.

#matt murdock #matt murdock x reader #matt murdock x you #matt murdock fic #matt murdock fanfic #college!matt x reader #v's scribbles

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