#maybe 2022 i forgor

[crimalwx]

some twinknoblades bc he helps me get out of artblock

[nyanspirals]

harlot !

[sunkiie]

6 - Guilt

no Comment

[yumenotambourin]

do all 3 mouses for the character ask or im shaving elfilis 🪒🪒🪒

I'M SORRY I WAS TRAVELING YESTERDAY AM I STILL IN TIME TO SAVE THEM???

🩷First impression🩵

Elfilin

Very cute! I thought he was quite bland before release already, but I was like 100% sure that it was because the twist was gonna be that he was mass produced.

And then after finishing the game I had a little phase in which I hated him because he was super fucking plot important, yet he didn't do anything and this made me angry, lol

Forgo

As soon as my eyes landed on it, I thought it was Elfilin after some horrific experimentations. But then they showed the actual Elfilin lmao. I thought it was really cute and I didn't want to fight it, thank god it transformed before we fought it. Then I was just awestruck.

Also my mom randomly asked me what it was and I didn't know what to say so I just said something like "a mental parasite species"

Elfilis

The first thought that crossed my mind after seeing them was "oh god they have my exact favorite color scheme I'm gonna be obsessed with them, aren't I?". Breathtakingly beautiful, of an angelicity(?) never seen before from Kirby. Throughout April 2022, I occasionally woke up in the morning wondering wether they were just a dream. The fact that something like them existed in the Kirby universe was astonishing to me.

🩷Impression now🩵

Elfilin

I still think he's severely underdeveloped, but I'm more cool with that now. He's cute and silly and fun, he's a nice contrast to Forgo, and generally an adorable sidekick. Tho I wish there was more of him.

Forgo

Baby. It's very cute, strikes pretty well the balance between creepy and goober, and the superior gemini in my opinion. I like putting it in situations :3

Elfilis

A MOUS!!! As magnificent as the first time I saw them. Except they're now my muse, my guardian angel. My view of them has kinda shifted from "stereotypical perfect lifeform" to "the embodiment of life itself", which kinda recontextualizes them, especially given how hard each mous fought to stay alive, and I find that very inspirational.

I love Elfilis.

🩷Favorite moment🩵

They don't have that many moments so uuuuh

Elfilin

Finding the Light! Perfect way to end the mouces' arc, and goes to show how much of a sweetheart he is.

Forgo

The iconic "everything shall be consumed" is iconic

Elfilis

The only thing that they do, their boss fight 😭 it's stunning and I find myself replaying it more often than normal

🩷Idea for a story🩵

Elfilin

Definitely a plotline where they tackle that he can learn something from Elfilis and/or Forgo as well. I don't like how y'all treat him like he's perfect.

Forgo

I'd like to see it getting used to living a normal happy life :3 the baby has suffered enough

Elfilis

ELFILIS PROLOGUE PLEASE!!! About how they attacked earth and stuff and their capture and maybe even Neichel cameo!!!

(I will not let you forget about Neichel)

🩷Unpopular opinion🩵

Elfilin

As I said before, I hate when people make him out to be this little goody-two-shoes without a single flaw who's juts the embodiment of niceness and kindness and will always do the right thing. Like no??? It's not all black and white! Let him be a proper multilayered character! Let him make mistakes and learn from others! Let him learn from his literal other half!!!

Forgo

Whenever someone says that Forgo is Elfilis an angel loses their wings. Starting from the fact that the game heavily implies if not downright states (I'm on plane I can't check I forgor) that Elfilis = Forgo + Elfilin, why would anyone choose to take two different characters in different situations with likely two different outlooks (ELFILIS WAS SPLIT INTO TWO FOR THE ENTIRE FUCKING PLOT!!! ELFILIS HAS THE HERO OF THE STORY INSIDE THEM!!!) and reduce them to a single, more limited being? Plus, most people with this headcanon are also the "Elfilis/Forgo is pure evil and an irredeemable monster!!!!" people who also really piss me off. Like yeah okay YOU chose to headcanon the traumatized baby and the insane mous as the same character. YOU are the one taking away all the nuance they could possibly have. Also as I said before THATS A TRAUMATIZED BABY!!!

Elfilis

I strongly dislike the headcanon that Elfilis absorbs other creatures into their dna. I feel like it ruins a lot of the charm they have, at least for me, by making their ethereal presentation be stolen from other creatures rather than it just being who they are. Also, while I am a Good Elfilis defender, I love the idea of them destroying planets for fun. It just goes to cement how otherworldy and above it all this creature is. So yeah, I feel like this headcanon takes away a lot of their appeal for me personally.

I also don't like when people make them always angry and grumpy, like do you realize half of them is Elfilin?

🩷Favorite relationship🩵

This is entirely headcanon-based as the mouces don't really interact with anyone besides Elfilin with Kirby

Elfilis and Elfilin and Elfilis and Forgo. More than the three of them together, I prefer each baby mous with Elfilis on their own.

I'm gonna briefly summarize my hc dynamics for them cause I love mice.

Elfilis and Elfilin - Elfilin

As I said before, Elfilin's feelings on his big sibling are very conflicted. On one hand, he feels safe with them, and looks up to them. On the other hand, he fears them. The fact that they just wipe out planets without second thought disturbs him. Although he'd never admit it to himself because he loves them so much. Elfilis, however, is very much aware of Elfilin's feelings. And as much as they're devastated by the guilt of having hurt their little ones so much, they dismss Elfilin's compassion as naivete due to his young age and time spent with the beasts. They're sure he will outgrow it one day and see his superiority, ans in the meantime they remind him that he's their little one and that they'll always love him.

Elfilis and Forgo - Forgo

Forgo sees itself as nothing but a temporary form of Elfilis, unworthy of being seen as anything but. And it's not taking this whole "coexisting with the actual Elfilis" all that well. If the actual Elfilis exists, what purpose does Forgo have? This sends them down an existential crisis. Elfilis doesn't like that. And they're desperate to help it break free from these beliefs. Also, Forgo always saw Elfilis in a very idolized way, as a ruthless monstrous destroyer. But that's not all there is to Elfilis, they can be a little silly sometimes. And Forgo is SEVERELY disappointed. It often calls them an idiot and then feels bad about it because nobody should be reproaching the almighty Fecto Elfilis. Also it exclusively refers to them as "Great One".

🩷Favorite headcanon🩵

Elfilin

Can I be honest? No fucking clue. Maybe that Elfilis teaches him how to fight?

Forgo

I'll make it quick so as not to repeat myself, that it sees itself as nothing more than a temporary form of Elfilis.

Elfilis

The idea that they have no motivation is very important to me. Specifically that they do things purely out of enjoyment. That they're just a force beyond our comprehension who sees everything as insignificant and is just trying to have fun.

ALSO THAT THEY LOVE EACHOTHER VERY MUCH!!!

[unhingedkinfessions]

(TQ USER IM NOT YELLING I JUST TYPE LIKR THIS I FORGOR I HAVE TO PUT A DISCLAIMER EVER TIME OR WHATEVER) HAI !! FIRST TIME SENDING AN ASK HERE LMAO. SO I TELL EVERYONE ABOUT THIS KINNIE DISCORD SERVER DRAMA I HAD SO I MIGHT AS WELL SUBMIT IT HERE.

SO IM A VRISKA SERKET KINNIE, UNFORTUNATELY. BUT BACK IN 2022, I BELIEVED I WAS DIRK STRIDER, DUE TO SHITTY IDENTITY ISSUES AND PROBABLY OTHER THINGS. I HAD RECENTLY GOTTEN MY KINNIE BOYFRIEND (NOW EX) INTO HOMESTUCK, AT THE TIME. WE’LL CALL HIM SODA. SO SODA HAD MET THIS GIRL ON TIKTOK, GOING BY THE NAME TRANSFEM TEREZI. SHE HAD A BUNCH OF FOLLOWERS AND WAS GENERALLY WELL KNOWN ON HOMESTUCK TIKTOK. SO THEY BECAME BESTIES, AND I THOUGHT SHE WAS NEAT SO I STARTED TALKING TO HER ON DISCORD. WE BECAME BESTIES AS WELL !!

SO WE ALL KINNED FROM HOMESTUCK, THEREFORE WE DECIDED TO MAKE A HOMESTUCK KINNIE SERVER. AFTER A FEW DAYS IT WAS DONE, AND TEREZI INVITED ALL OF HER FOLLOWERS. ALL OF US BEING DUMB AND HAVING NO MODERATION EXPERIENCE, WE MODDED RANDOM PEOPLE, WHICH WILL BE IMPORTANT L8TER.

THE SERVER WAS PRETTY ACTIVE AND EVERYONE WAS HAVING FUN. FOR LIKE 5 DAYS. ONE DAY, I WAS AT THE BEACH WITH MY FAMILY AND MY PHONE WAS IN THE CAR. ONCE WE WERE DONE, I CAME BACK TO CHECK IT. AND THERE IT WAS, 100+ NOTIFS. I WAS CONFUSED AND WENT ON DISCORD, ONLY TO SEE THE HORRORS:

TONS OF DMS FROM 6 DIFFERENT PEOPLE, 3 DIFFERENT NEW GROUP CHATS, 5 PEOPLE ASKING ME WHAT HAPPENED, AND SOME PEOPLE TELLING ME TO DIE. I WAS SO DAMN CONFUSED, SO I LOOKED TO SEE WHAT WAS GOING ON AND ASKED ABOUT IT.

APPARENTLY, A GUY NAMED BEEF NUTS JOINED THE SERVER AND STARTED SPAMMING SLURS AND SCAT JOKES, AMONG OTHER THINGS. REASONABLY, ONE OF THE MODS BANNED HIM. THIS TURNED OUT TO BE A HORRIBLE IDEA, AS ONCE HE WAS BANNED, THE OTHER MODS AND SOME MEMBERS GOT PISSED AND STARTED SPAMMING “JUSTICE FOR BEEF NUTS,” WHICH HAD CAUSED TEREZI TO JUST GET STRESSED AND FUCKING LEAVE THE SERVER WHILE IT ALL WENT DOWN??

SOON ENOUGH, THE SERVER WAS IN SHAMBLES. EVERYONE WAS CONFUSED AND THE OWNER HAD LEFT, PLUS CHANNELS WERE CLOGGED. EVENTUALLY, WE DID DAMAGE CONTROL, AND FIXED IT UP.

AFTER THAT, EVERYONE WAS FUCKIN PISSED AT TEREZI. WE DUG UP A BUNCH OF STUFF ABOUT HER AND JUST DECIDED TO H8 HER. WE CALLED HER ABLEIST AND RACIST AND TRANSPHOBIC, AND WENT TO HUNT HER DOWN AND HARASS HER, BECAUSE DUMB CHILDREN.

AFTER SHIT GOT REAAAL BAD, SHE DECIDED TO RESPOND TO THE ALLEGATIONS. HER RESPONSE WAS BASICALLY “IM A SYSTEM NOT A KINNIE NOW ACTUALLY. ONE OF MY ALTERS IS JUST AN ASSHOLE” AND EVERYONE BELIEVED HER I GUESS BECAUSE PPL STOPPED TALKING ABOUT IT.

MORE HAPPENED L8TER BUT IM SAVING THAT FOR ANOTHER ASK. REMEMBER ME AS VRISKA ANON. BAI :333

ok thats cool and all but all i asked is if you wanted fries with that not so happy meal. a bit weird that you're admitting to harassing some random maybe-system who got overwhelmed and prolly didnt deserve to get hated on like its such a funny story. from what youve said here in this drivethrough with the broken sign and cracked pavement it sounds like you guys were weird and in the wrong. "dumb children" 2022 was last year own up motherfucker

have a bit of shame and compassion in your heart girl we aint your friends. but what do i know im just a humble worker here at uhkfdonalds or some shit

[i-drankyourtears]

A little random update status of my au (Across the Water / Beyond the Bridge(maybe) or just atw)

If u didn't know (you didn't) my au will in fact be 3 years old this year on December 11 :] (that's not important that's just a fact, I posted my first drawing for my au on my old deviant art on December 11 or 2022 or 2021 I forgor)

ALSO I have started writing the story though I am planning to make it a comic :'] so it will both end up being a story and a comic (if all goes as planned though nothing of mine ever does)

I have also made a header thing for the story but I'm not fully done with that

(Sneak peek of it though it's not done at all-)

And hopefully soon enough I can post all of my version of characters and ocs so people may start recognizing my art (hopefully I've spent so long with my au just underground but my close friends love it :')

ALSO ALSO I do have my au as a hashtag

#jsab atw

Welp that's all from me :]

- Milo G. G. :]

[iantimony]

tuesday!

another two-weeker because i forgor last week but it's not actually that beefy

listening: metric albums formentera from 2022 and formentera ii from 2023 are full of good earworms. favorite songs: all comes crashing, enemies of the ocean, oh please; just the once, days of oblivion, who would you be for me ... idk all of formentera ii is really really good. easily could list all those songs as favorite. just love a good synth! just incredibly catchy albums.

i got back into the podcast sweetbitter; i listened to the first season on sappho not long after it started, but fell off when they started season 2 on pirates. i'm listening to that one now and i'm enjoying it! i'm a little leery of season 3's topic (christian bible) but i feel like they do a good and sensitive job of covering information in general. the podcast hasn't actually updated in ages which is interesting, i'm not sure if they're just on hiatus or if it's like...done? i can't seem to find any information on it, there are some tweets that were posted on reddit about it that are now deleted, maybe there was a falling out??? it's possible they say something in the most recent episode (may of last year) about a hiatus but it's not in the episode notes...in any case, god i hate the ads they have. they're so stuck in my head in the worst way possible. 0/10 on that front. get that coin but please choose less obnoxious/a wider variety of ads (i know that's not always in their control but yk).

reading: finished mdzs. restarted svsss but it's been sideburnered for a few days while i play catchup on work.

watching: finished kill la kill with the boyf...am caught up to dunmesh...been passively absorbing the black list because my roommate has been watching it...

playing: fallow but i really wanna do disco elysium soon for Real

making: pottery has been on a planned 2-week break between sessions so no reports here! i did go in briefly for open studio to attach a handle and re-trim some of my citrus juicer. otherwise, really haven't done much...i restrung a necklace for my mom as a birthday gift a few weeks ago, and i have been drawing a little again! some dunmeshi fanart, some concepts for a painting i want to do.

eating: fairly boring - two weeks ago was in florida with my grandma and that eating is always notably bland. last week my roommate and i fuck-it-we-balled a bit so it was a lot of tuna salad and adjacent things, this week we got some more recipes rolling in though. last night we did a off-the-cuff vaguely-thai rice noodle and tofu thing that was real yummy but not the most filling because there was like no fat in it. definitely could use a different protein or something to juice it up.

misc: doing okay! valiantly played homework catch-up this past week! excited to go back to pottery tmrw, thinking about upcoming wedding gifts to make!

[ednito]

YOU'RE GONNA MAKE A GAME OF YOUR VERSE?!?!?! THAT'S SO COOL WHAT!!!!

I'm punching the wall right now /pos. I really really admire the determination to make a whole ass game for your version of the universe and the characters!! I'm ready to wait as long as you need and support the project because really, your designs and your story is so awesome and I really love it and I get super excited when you post stuff about it!!!

Yeah!!! I've had different game building softwares like rpg maker 2022 (or 2023? I forgor) and a couple visual novels! I've been wanting to make games for a long time and I've had different ideas for some more original concepts so this is a good way to introduce myself into game development!!

Thank you though for your support and excitement! I'm happy your excited! I'm excited too! I have some big ideas for it and I'd love to at some point maybe get some volunteers! Like to help with music or even maybe voice acting though that's for much later! This game will obviously be free since it not official but I'd still make it free anyway cause I want as many people to be able to play it ya know?

I'm thinking of doing something similar to deltarune where there's multiple parts/chapters, I think it would be easy for the story telling but also easy on development! And most if not all chapters will be specific for a character in the story. I'm unsure how many chapters but just to be safe I'll assume 10 LMAO

[pbpsbff]

20 Questions (for fanfic writers)

got tagged by @fieldsofview :)) (and probably someone else. i have a draft of this from november. oops.)

1. how many works do you have on ao3? 47 as of yesterday:)

2. what's your total ao3 word count? 190,927

3. what fandoms do you write for? i've bounced around a lot of fandoms since i was like, 10, but since august 2022 i've been strictly writing for mcu spider-man (technically more leaning toward irondad, but. u know). with this in mind however, i have a couple 9-1-1 wips and am about one bad day away from writing big time rush fanfiction

4. top five fics by kudos: Peter Parker's Guide to: Texting, Twitter, and Tony Stark (2,110 kudos)

Everything's Coming Up Potatoes (439 kudos)

Is That a Potato in Your Pants, or Are You Just Happy to See Me? (422 kudos)

If You Give a Guy a Potato, He's Going to Ask You on a Date (401 kudos)

be mean to me (if you need to be mean) (331 kudos)

5. do you respond to comments?

...

i try my best. i genuinely have no idea how it's gotten this bad (if i ignore your comment please don't take it personally—i forgor)

6. what is your fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? oh god i don't have anything w/ a sad ending posted LOL i'm too much of a sucker for a happy ending. (i do have mcd in my drafts tho!!!)

maybe 15. There It Is Again, That Funny Feeling? It's more of a hopeful ending, but considering the context of the story entirely, it's pretty sad.

7. what's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? every single fic in the series All's Fair in Love and Potatoes. this series is my happy place amongst all the death and despair on my account

8. do you get hate on fics? besides the hate i receive from sapoteylx? no

9. do you write smut i do! it'll never see the light of day but i do!

10. craziest crossover: i hate crossovers sorry guys. on my old ao3 tho i wrote a heathers au hamilton fic and that's probably the closest i'll ever get to one (unless we're counting r&r? since it's technically twd universe?) also this one time (i was 11. keep this in mind) i read a fic that was tagged jacob sartorius/bob duncan and i think about it daily

11. have you ever had a fic stolen? i hope not???

12. have you ever had a fic translated? NO but that would be so cool. i have some regular commenters that tend to comment in spanish and i'm always wondering if it would be easier for them if i had it translated but i only speak engish. idk fic translators are gods gift to writers i fear

13. have you ever co-written a fic before? i cowrote a hamilton chatfic in 2018. next question

14. all time favorite ship? every peter parker ship ever (excluding all the minor/adult ones). big sambucky and pepperony fan too tho

15. what's a wip you want to finish but doubt you ever will? i have this wip that's like, peter agrees to go undercover for a mission because they need info from some big bad guy and peter is obviously the least recognizable of the bunch, but he gets kidnapped and all that good stuff. idk if i'll ever get around to finish it, because it's like 9 planned chapters and that is SO ambitious for me.

also my cellist!peter au? i've been trying to write it but the words haven't come to me idk

16. what are your writing strengths? ooooo i think i'm good at realistic dialogue and character dynamics—i have spent hours of my life on fandomwiki looking at different character's quotes and watching videos of their interaction with other characters because that's something so important to me.

i think i'm good at balancing angst and humor too?? idk the walking dead really shaped my writing style because u can have a silly scene and then 2 seconds later someone is dead on the floor. hope to carry that vibe through everything i do.

17. what are your writing weaknesses? i am so bad at describing settings and character actions. i can always see the scene in my mind but on paper it turns into they are at a house. peter sits down in the chair, and is sad. and it gets to a point where i just give up on trying to fix it

18. thoughts on dialogue in another language? ough if i ever write dialogue in another language i'll be consulting someone who speaks said language (which is what i actually have done!!!! i have a fic coming out soon w a spanish title and i asked aster-argent for help:)). or doing the thing people do where they just put the text in italics and write ," he said in spanish or some shit.

idk for the most part i stay away from it (ignoring the throwaway, casada harley joke i make in my parkner series) because at the end of the day i am a white girl who learned how to count to 10 in spanish because of dora and took 3 years of german.

19. first fandom you wrote in? ok so. i was 11 and on quotev, writing a chatfic about the bands twenty one pilots, panic at the disco, my chemical romance, and fall out boy. the fic is still up and it makes me nauseous to think about

i think technically i had an ldshadowlady fic out on wattpad before that but it was a blatant ripoff of another fic so. i don't count it

20. favorite fic you've written? i think this answer changes every day, and will change when i get my next group of fics out, but as of right now—

i'll put down my roots when i'm dead i'm just so proud of it idk. first time i've ever really met a deadline and probably the most passionate i'd been about getting a fic out since r&r began? i just love the whole thing.

Is Close the Closest Star? this one is definitely a tie with the several other angst oneshots i put out around the same time, but idk something about this fic is so special to me. it's like 6 months old and i know my writing's improved since then, but i'll always go back and reread

okok last one sorry ur making me pick my favorite child. Unrotting Your Insides, Unrooting Your Limbs i am such a sucker for recovery fics sorry. i've written several fics about bulimia but this is my fav because it's just. so soft.

tags

oh god i don't have enough writer friends uhhh @norahdevore. if u have not done this already. i am holding a gun to your head and making you do this (and anyone else reading this. please guys)

[anti-psycomics]

The BACKLOGS

Alright I'm saying fuck it and posting all my older shit that I never posted here. They will be ordered from oldest to newest and they will all be worse than my more recent stuff. Anyway, let me give you the tour

This first section is titled "shitty meme drawings from 3 years ago" because I started drawing digitally mostly just to make dumb images for my friends

And then in early 2021 I switched to using a better brush, I used this image to test it out

The second section is titled "still shitty memes but they're from less long ago and also I started using a brush that better fits my style"

few more shitposts around this time. One bad, Two good

For the 2021 holiday season I made myself a halloween and christmas icon. I honestly still like them although they could've been done a bit better

In early 2022 I made this and somehow did it worse than the first drawing I ever did on digital, I think the brush just didnt vibe with the meme as much and also I was lazy idk. Benthic bloom funny tho

And then I did a couple smaller drawings

@gayvian my best worst shitpost

Alright We're getting into the more recent stuff now. Late 2022 and early 2023

Some drawings I did of a dnd character I have who is not currently in a campaign but im gonna bring her back as soon as I can because I love her

And perhaps my finest work in the field of shitposting. I love getting my equipment drone addicted to drugs

The Newest album by the forgor

And most recent, this thing I actually drew after starting this tumblr but I never shared it until now because I felt it wasnt as good as some of my other things

And of course I also have a lot of never finished projects, more personal things I didn't want to post here, and lots. And I mean LOTS of pencil on paper drawings in my notebook (and also maybe a few on old school assignments)

goodnight I stayed up way too late to make this post I shouldve gone to bed 2 hours ago aughgf

[nostalgiahog]

I posted 1,000 times in 2022

That's 1,000 more posts than 2021!

123 posts created (12%)

877 posts reblogged (88%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@spongebobssquarepants

@ghostietoms

@spookymartian

@the-real-ali

@sea-me-now

I tagged 197 of my posts in 2022

#shitpost - 26 posts

#your favorite martian - 15 posts

#yfm - 15 posts

#digital art - 8 posts

#me fr - 8 posts

#oc art - 5 posts

#🐛 3gg reblogs 🐛 - 5 posts

#benatar yfm - 5 posts

#yfm fanart - 5 posts

#art - 5 posts

Longest Tag: 135 characters

#me at elementary school when ashley said foxy broke up with me and was dating her because foxy doesn’t like boys (they’re homophobic💀)

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

Breaking bad/Better call Saul cookie run collab when??????? 🤨🤨🤨

17 notes - Posted December 19, 2022

#4

Sometjing happened today

19 notes - Posted December 25, 2022

#3

"Well maybe you could use all of that money to solve world hunga"

forgor to draw his other hand :o[

19 notes - Posted December 18, 2022

#2

Idk what this is

im not a furry or anything

but like

i kinda wanna make this into a costume

like I think it would be fun

i happen to know how to make a fursuit

but like

im not a furry

please dont bully me guys

20 notes - Posted October 26, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

im making it my mission to dm yfm every single fucking day now

i dont even care if they respond no more </3

so if this gets 20 likes and 40 reblogs I’ll send them baller dj

26 notes - Posted December 29, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

Hey i don’t appriciate certain things being in my year review 😾

[smushedmuffin]

Tagged by @toxicrevolver to do a K-pop bingo

hehe thanks for the tag... i forgor about it for a week as per usual

Tagging anyone who wants to;; i dont know who likes doing tag games

some lore about me:

i dont have online monies and theres no way im asking my parents for kpop stuff (given how much they teased me during my anime phase lol), so i don't have any albums/merch. I was going to go to The Rose concert last year, but alas, we had other plans that week.

i loved chans room when he did it, i only learnt about it around the 198th episode, and the first one i watched was 200th ep celebration that i put on instead of sleeping. i snuck out from multiple parties/events to watch his stuff :D

ive cut into my schedule multiple times to watch live... most recently (ie today) i wanted to watch mill's bday live so i uh,, was watching it before school started and then on the bus while going to a tour/field trip thing (totally worth it, he looked handsome… his hair was <3. i didnt understand a word but his voice was-)

(never watching a live near other people though;; my friend was sitting next to me and kept asking me what i was watching and i couldnt just show her a guy feeding the camera cake and saying "ahhh :D")

anyways. i dont really stan groups even if i like their music, but i have biases in ateez. i think i only really stan skz and onlyoneof (maybe some more soloists too).

i got into kpop in uh... 2022? in the summer i saw an ad for the O m/v by Verivery, and the holding a lit match like a cigarette scene is what pushed me to look up the group. i knew about kpop before, but that got me listening to it. i think there is a anime to manga to yaoi to manhwa to kpop pipeline, and i fell down it.

:( i didnt get a bingo, but thats to be expected. surprised i fit more than one of these

[kutyozh]

personal log;

anniversary recap:

2020: NO IDEA MAN. there is a diary entry but it talks about the night before where I went out with a friend to gush about a barkeeper we both found cute?? there are no posts whatsoever about the anniversary on any of my blogs so. ?? I guess I was probably too caught up trying to wrap up my stay in romania to really care idk idk. also i was in a really bad place anyway so it might not have made such a big difference anyway IDK

2021: diary entry. i was still living in [redacted] where it all happened; I was unwell that day but found solace in making pancakes. apparently.

2022: haha. the night i took my favourite selfies of myself (i look like a literal ghost.) wanted to take a shower in the evening but was entirely unable to move; was stuck to my desk chair until i texted K and with their help i finally managed to get up but it was like walking through knee deep mud. i couldn't cope with the sound of the bathroom ventilation so i only put on the cold lights that weren't connected to it; it was so eerie.

2023: FORGOR. I felt unwell on the 16th but wasn't able to figure out why until the next day. gave me hope for a sec but oh well. that month i also had a panic attack while driving so there's that.

2024: tried sth new: tried distracting myself by going out with friends; harvested derealisations and a latent 3 hour panic attack. at home i was nauseous due to my irregular breathing; i basically did the whole screaming crying throwing up (didn't throw up in the end tho lmao). can't decide whether 2022 or 2024 was worse; maybe i should have tried to take a shower

[keefwho]

September 24 - 2022

8:14 AM

I forgor to do my mental stuff yesterday so I might try to do it today. But I have to exercise today too and I kinda just want a chill Saturday. Ill probably do them both. 

I feel so bad for my friends, they all seem to be going though something. But I am too. I wish I could do more for them, it hurts me so much that I can’t. I’m not even good at being reassuring. But I try my best.

Last night I had a brief bit of anxiety but I shot it down so I’m kinda proud of that. Today might prove to be a challenge because I don’t know what to do with my entire day and all that free time can easily lead to overthinking until I ruin my own day. But I’ll try to keep busy and not worry about it. 

9:09 AM

It’s weird that I’m starting to be able to look at myself in the mirror, or in pictures, or in art and see myself like a friend. For a long time I had definitely had the feeling that I was special, like a main character or something. Obviously I knew otherwise but that’s how it actually felt most of my life. Now I see myself as a person just like everyone else and it feels nice. I understand how this “feeling special” belief can lead to loneliness. No one is special but thats what brings us together. 

11:00 AM

UGH I drew something that I really wish had come out better and I keep overthinking what I could have done differently or how I can fix it afterwards, but it’s fine. It feels like this happens anytime I draw for someone else. I’m sure they still love it, everything I think is “wrong” or “could be better” is irrelevant to everyone else.

11:45 AM

I feel so BAD, I wanna make something better. I feel like maybe I rushed it? Or rushed an important part like the sketch. Or maybe I just don’t got it today, that happens too. Im just tired of feeling this way when I try to make something REALLY good and it only comes out kinda good. It happens a lot. I probably should have put more time into the sketch and making sure it was good. Also I went overboard on the lines this time which I do sometimes. I got caught up in them, I like to think my linework compliments the art as opposed to the main star or a strict guideline to follow. I could have done it more organically. 

[keefwho]

September 16 - 2022

8:16 PM

I’ve been having trouble with defusion since last night. I think because it’s hard not to think about something thats actually happening. Last night was a hurting tummy likely due to SUCKING MYSELF earlier that day. This morning I have a swollen uvula which could be a coincidence or it could be irritated by that dust from yesterday. I’m trying not to rationalize anything because that just contributes to how much I’m thinking about it, but I think the worst that COULD happen to me from that dust would be a sinus infection or something. Still unlikely though. 

Now my goal is to genuinely abandon these thoughts so I can focus on what I want to do. 

10:58 PM

I recovered from this morning so that’s good. I also did all the work I was supposed to do and ate a decent sized breakfast. I even exercised. No matter how I feel about it, I did good today. Tonight I had a drink and good bestie time. Now I’m eating a big dinner, I need the calories. 

Dating sucks. Its way too complicated to be worth it, I swear. And I can’t count how many friends just bailed on everyone because they finally got a girlfriend or boyfriend. Its so DUMB. And sometimes one of the partners will be jealous and won’t want the other hanging out with certain genders and it’s like BRUH just let me hang with my FRIEND. Holy. Friends can love each other too without things getting all murky with these made up dating rules. So what if I kiss my homie sometimes. So what if we fuck sometimes. I just want genuine interactions and long term friendships, which is what I have I’d say. I just hope it doesn’t keep getting interrupted by BULLSHIT. 

And like, casual sex is a thing but what about casual romance. Maybe sometimes I wanna be mushy. Maybe go on a little date or something without actually dating. Is that not welcome as a concept? I think it should be. 

Im FUCKED Bro

Maybe I’ve gone a little too far with exploring this area of myself. I know I’m nowhere near put together enough to be in a relationship, not that thats something I’m sure I actually want yet anyways. 

No, I’m overthinking everything. I’m doing what dating does. COMLICATES THINGS. All I want are besties I love, and I have that. It’s literally as simple as that. There is no ‘goal’ other than strengthening the relationships I already have with people. Things don’t need to get weird. No more weird.

11:35 PM

I forgor to do those exercises yesterday and I am too tired for that now. 

11:57 PM

Okay, I don’t know where that rant earlier came from. Truth is, I don’t know how to deal with these kinds of feelings. I’m still getting used to them and what they say about what I really want. I welcome them but they have to take a backseat. It’s not something I feel like I need, just something I’m highly interested in participating in. The big lesson is to not do what I did in high school which should be easy because I was a turbulent, immature teenager. Back then I got completely absorbed into seeking romance and took it way too seriously. I’m confident I won’t end up like THAT again. I imagine that with most people, this kind of thing can come on strong sometimes. I figure everyone gets that urge to be close to someone in a more special kind of way and that’s where I’m at tonight. It doesn’t help that I can’t think of a good way to get these feelings out. Thats why I’m ranting about it I guess. Vent art maybe.

[keefwho]

September 07 - 2022

8:24 AM

I forgor to congratulate myself for getting everything done despite feeling like trash yesterday. I didn’t work out as hard as I meant to or clean as much as usual but I did the best I could given how I was feeling. And I did all my commission work. I have to consider that a successful day. I did good. 

11:18 AM

How much complaining is too much? Because I could whine for hours daily. This IS my platform so I can say whatever I want but it might be personally harmful to do too many negative rants. I want this to be a place to document my feelings for the sake of being aware of them so I can do something about them. I don’t want this to become a sort of vent that encourages my bad feelings. 

1:32 PM

I just read the chapter on the sense of self again. This concept seems like one I might struggle with the most, likely because of how socially stunted I was when I was young combined with keeping things that way by living in my room since high school. I can operate with people fine and have some level of empathy, but I find that my sense of belonging is lacking and that a lot of people I meet aren’t really “people” until I get to know them after awhile. I’ve never liked that about myself. I want to naturally believe that anyone I’m talking to is just as human as I am. I’m sure I can, I just need a little training. 

Just like last time, reading this chapter a second time helped me understand much better what it’s actually saying and what I should be trying to do. Unhelpful thoughts often arise from the self story we’ve created for ourselves over our entire life. It’s easy to get lost in it, and it’s definitely what I’ve done. My conceptualized self is someone who worries. Someone who is inherently less valuable because of my personal struggles. Someone who doesn’t deserve to relax because he never does enough. Someone who has made his fear his personality and will never actually get over it. This is who I AM to myself, and it’s this model I need to break free of. I’m not my “story”, I’m a conscious person in the here and now with dynamic and fluctuating desires. Or at least that’s what I should be. Thats what I need to work on becoming with the exercises I’ve been given. Defusion is a prelude to this practice. Defusing from automatic thoughts helps because most of those unhelpful thoughts stem directly from our ‘self story’. They are thoughts that encourage the continued belief that I must worry or feel bad about myself. 

Exercise time. I write 2 positive things about myself and 1 negative.

1. I am: Genuine. 2. I am: Persistent . 3. I am: Fearful. 

For the first 2 answers, is this true all the time? Everywhere? Towards everyone? Without exception?

Of course not, nothing is ever the same all the time. I put on a front with certain people just like everyone sometimes. And I often give up when challenges simply get too hard. 

For the 3rd answer. Is this totally true, everywhere? Would someone else say the same thing if they were watching you 24/7?

It is VERY often true, but not all the time. Last night was actually calm and I enjoyed myself a little bit. So was a good chunk of today. It definitely feels constant but it isn’t actually. An observer would probably say the same thing. Or they might dumb it down to “he is actually fearful all the time because he lets it impact nearly everything he does.” 

Now try to turn these statements into comparisons with others. Like against the average.

I admit I lack the information to be confident in what I believe, but I’d like to think I am more genuine than average. Or maybe I just overshare. I try to be who I am no matter who I am with and open up to anyone. 

As for persistent , I am unsure. I might be lower than average but I listed it as a trait because I try to push myself and do what I should be doing no matter what. 

Fearful? Definitely way more than others. More than the average person and more than my friends. 

I’m meant to understand that I’ve fundamentally fused with these statements, they are part of my self story. Rewrite them with “or not” at the end.

1. I am: Genuine, or not. 2. I am: Persistent, or not. 3. I am: Fearful, or not.

I should be feeling a sense of openness to the idea that I don’t have to buy into what I ‘believe’ about myself. There are other options. Now cross out everything after “I am” for each one. Who are you without that content? What would it be like to just let go? Who are you without all of your stories and defenses? Who or what are you trying to protect? 

Who would I be without all these ideas? Right off the bat I’d feel more boring, like I lost character traits. But in reality I think I’d be less bound. Without these traits to live up to, I have more choice to do what I want. Maybe I could focus more on the task at hand and less on wondering if I’m living up to who I think I’m supposed to be. I think I’ve come to the conclusion that all my fears stem from a desire to feel safe and in control. Without all those fears, I could simply live more. I already know they don’t help me, quite the opposite. 

Generally our self stories tend to be too general and are not active all the time in every situation. I like to think of myself as persistent when it comes to certain things like my personal habits, but not others like keeping up with friends. In a sense I get to choose how I feel about myself in different situations, I already do it naturally. Rewrite the ‘I am’ statements with “I feel” or “I think”. Describe a situation in which you think or feel that way. Then do the opposite.

1. I think I am genuine.           When I am with my friend, and I choose to open up, I feel genuine.           (I can’t think of a good example that hits home where I don’t feel                          genuine) 2. I think I am persistent .           When I don’t feel good, and I do my work anyways, I feel persistent.           When I have work to do, but I decide to be lazy, I don’t feel                                    persistent. 3. I feel fearful.           When I am stuck somewhere, and my tummy is upset, I feel fearful.           When I feel fine, and I truly accept that the day is okay, I feel brave.

That’s kind of a long exercise and a little hard to follow, but I should try doing it every once in a while. It did help me understand a little better that I live by a sort of code that changes across situation and that I have a choice to change it how I please. There is another exercise to do but I’ll save it for next time, I’m all out of time right now. I need a break from thinking. 

7:54 PM

Mini concern. I had some lollipops I got in January that I stored in this box I used to have this Christmas meat and cheese sample thing in. The lollipops adopted the smell and taste of the meat and cheese even though the box didn’t smell that strongly of it when I put the lollipops in there months ago. I LICKED ONE YUUUUCCCKK. I know nothing will happen but its still like, ew. Well I DONT know nothing will happen, thats why I’m at like a 1/10 panic about it. Realistically nothing should be actually wrong with them, they just absorbed the smell of what used to be in that box. Its hardened dry sugar candy, its not like anything could have grown on it. It just smelled weird is all. But its hard to make myself believe that something that smells like that can be nothing. How can it be nothing if I’m smelling it. But thats how it be. I also rinsed the fuck out of my mouth after tasting that thing. It didn’t even taste that bad, but it was detectable. The only reason any of this is a concern of any level is I really just don’t know. I’ve never had this happen before or anything similar. But I've determined the threat is miniscule, calling it a threat at all is even too much of a word. I guess it was moreso something that got my brain going. Like a trigger. Unknown = Scary. Ill forget about this in no time. Its embarrassing even talking about it like its anything but if I’m being honest with myself, its what I’m thinking and feeling. I can’t ignore that. 

10:06 PM

I always feel like I SHOULD be playing certain games because I do want to play them in theory but I don’t want to put in the time I guess? But I feel almost guilty, especially if it’s one I haven’t played much since I bought it and all. It’s a silly problem. I shouldn’t feel obligated to play fuckin VIDEO GAMES, no one cares except me.