#maybe i'm just not the right person to be saying we're not confined to anything

[jellycrusher]

Wolves and Lambs: Part 4

Alpha Max Verstappen x Omega fem!driver

Genre: Series, Omega verse, Enemies to Lovers, Romance, Eventual smut

Summary: Male Alphas are the ones who dominate motor sports all around the world, especially Formula 1. It is a well known fact. Females in general nor Female Omegas are never heard nor encouraged to join the sport since the 1950s. Well, up until now...

Word Count: 5.8k

Chapter's Premise: y/n finds herself trying to come to terms on who she is and how she avoided her heat for so long.

Parts: W&L masterlist / general masterlist

"You heard the doctor. You have to stop taking your suppressants for a while." Megan takes the prescription sheet from your hands and shoves it in her bag.

Both of you just came out from the doctor's office. Megan was meticulous in giving you a disguise just in case anyone is going to spot you. You put your head down and hide in your little canopy of protection, your Aston Martin hat. A bit obvious but it's the only one you have at the moment.

"I can't. If it comes during a race weekend, I'm dead." You reply as you walk side by side with Megan, confined by the hospital walls.

"Ay Dios Mio. Your constant intake of suppressants may be the reason why you haven't had your first heat yet at 25 years old. We don't know if there's gonna be negative side effects on your health." Megan tries her best to whisper under her breath.

"Hey, that's not proven." You halt in your steps and turn to her, lifting your head up to face her.

"But the doc says it may be a factor. You can't keep it hidden forever. It has to come sooner or later. If it comes biting your ass, don't come running to me for help."

"I don't want to be confined on what biology or society dictates me to be. I want to prove to everyone first what I can do and who I am." You continue to walk.

"I understand. I just don't want something bad to happen to you." She groaned.

"Fine. If I win a race, then i'll start tapering my dosage. I'll let it come when it wants to come."

"When you win a podium, not a race. Better odds."

"Fine. A podium."

You felt like you've been basking in the sun, warm against your skin. You didn't want to look at yourself. For every second after that encounter in the elevator until now that you've stayed frozen behind the door of your room, everything was silent.

Your body was fighting your mind. You didn't want this. For so many years, your family and friends, who knew what you really are, told you that we're all bound to meet our mate. We'll know when we meet them.

No. You don't want to. Maybe just not right now. Yes, it's romantic to see couples who are mated and are having the time of their lives. But what if they fell for another person before they met their mate? And what if they refuse their Alpha? What would happen?

Right now, you just want to succeed in this career first. Call yourself stupid for going against your biological desires but there's a lot riding on this. Your parents sacrificed a lot just to get where you are right now. You want to prove that Omegas can also achieve greatness. Female Omegas can also stand in the halls of the greats.

Maybe you're just stubborn. Meeting your mate wouldn't be the end of the world. If you give in, you won't lose anything. Maybe.

Maybe you're just overthinking. Maybe you're being too stubborn.

Max is not a bad person. You've said it yourself before. He is actually a decent guy. Well, just from your text messages but there were no deep conversations yet. You don't love him to see him as your mate. You might learn to love him but it doesn't feel right for your feelings to be swayed just because your biological desires him so.

You barely slept a wink last night. The inkling that bothered you for a few weeks now since the first race have just been confirmed, and the fact that Max left you a lot of messages that you haven't read yet made your mind in a state of disarray.

Megan barged in your room to wake you up. She even had to throw the covers off the bed and furiously opened the curtains, blinding you with the beaming sun. You groan hard as she pulls you out of the comfort of your bed.

"I can't believe this. We're late! Ay Santo Dios..." Megan continued to mention a lot of words that you were not familiar with as she looks at your commitments for the day from her phone screen.

It only took a few moments and the both of you are now on your merry way to the circuit with you being the driver. Megan was still very furious at you for you haven't given her a reason for your tardiness. At the same time, your phone was still blowing up from Max's messages.

"I've had it with your ringtone. I'll set it to silent." Megan pulls your phone from the center console and sees '50 messages' beside the name 'He Who Must Be Avoided At All Times' on the screen.

"It's fine, leave it." You're barely able to look at Megan because you had to focus on the road.

"Who's this? Is there a guy bothering you? Stalking you?!" she asks.

"No. Just leave it." With eyes still glued to the road, you try to yank the phone off her hands.

"Tell me. Is it a stalker?! 'Cause if it is, i'll kill him." She warned.

"Please no. Relax, it's not a stalker." You assured in a calm tone as she hands the phone to you.

"Y/N. If you're in a dangerous situation and you're not telling me, your mom will kill me." She appealed.

Well, that's not impossible. These two are overprotective.

"Megan..." You paused. Megan patiently waits for your answer as you drum your fingers anxiously on the wheel. "It's Max."

"Oh, Max... Wait, who's Max? from Red Bull?" Megan rambles. "Why? Did he do anything to you?"

"He did nothing. It's just.. He found out last night that I was an Omega. I've been avoiding his texts since then." You confessed, tightening your grip on the wheel.

"How? You were always careful."

"That's the thing. I was. I'm still on my suppressants." You gently scratch the surface of the wheel. "Remember when you told me how you met your husband? Your mate?"

"Yes." Megan now replied slowly, now under a notion at where the conversation is going. "Oh my god! Is he..?"

"I think so." you confessed.

Megan was about to shriek from joy but she stopped for she knew how you would respond. For her, it sounds romantic. For you, it's not. She can't count how many times your rejected the idea of having a biological mate. It wasn't against the law of anybody to love somebody else aside your fated mate but for your body to act against your will regardless of what you feel. That's what you dislike about it.

"I still have to talk to him about it. I can't have him blabbering to everyone on the grid." You added. "Let's take this one step at a time."

"You still have a race later. Better focus on that first." She replies as she takes off her seatbelt when you arrived at the car park in the circuit.

Megan hauled you to the team hospitality to prepare you for the drivers' briefing. When you arrived at the briefing hall, majority of the drivers were already seated and the team principals were standing around in a circle, chatting. You stood by the door looking for an empty seat to take when you saw Charles, Oscar, and Lando calling you to take the seat they reserved for you on the third row. Your feet took a few steps when a hand suddenly but gently caught your wrist.

"We need to talk. You've been ignoring my texts." Max urged, eyes dead straight at you.

"Max, not here. Later." You scan the room for any eyes or ears that might eavesdrop as you carefully remove his hand from you.

Max takes a second to compose himself then tugs his hand through his hair. "Fine. Sit with me then."

"I'll choose my own seat. Thank you." You replied as you walk away from him, not giving him enough time to add more. Max's hand hovered uncertainly as if to stop you but he lets his hand limp

You strut farther into the hall and the three men gave you space to stride along the third row to take your seat between Charles and Oscar. Max took an empty seat on the first row beside Checo. He can't help but steal some glances in your direction during the driver's briefing.

It was hard to ignore Max as well. One good thing that your incident with Max has caused is that his scent doesn't make you cower in fear anymore. Knowing the reason why the dynamics between the two of you had changed, you mentally slap your pheromone-disturbed self from inhaling his lingering scent.

His scent wasn't really distinct before. For you, it was associated with fear or something menacing, but now he smelled so crisp like Cotton and sweet like baked Tangerine. Being that close to each other gave you a chance to actually distinguish his scent. Just remembering Max's small sniffs on your neck makes your body squirm, in a good way. It was nice and comforting. But it also felt sensual.

Alpha smells so good. Let's smell him once more. You mentally slap yourself once more, shaking off the tiny voice from your inner Omega in your head.

"I heard from Lance that you're moving. Where will you stay?" Charles' voice took you out from your trance just as the drivers' briefing just ended.

"In Monaco. It being a tax-free haven sounds enticing." you replied in glee knowing that it was the Monegasque who asked you.

Noticing the other younger drivers to turn to you after hearing your response, it took a moment for you to remember that a number of them were living there.

Lando perks up, legs bouncing. He leans forward and peeked his head across Oscar. "Do you know how to play Padel?" you shake your head. "We'll teach you. We had been waiting for another member to join our little club."

"He just wants to have the bragging right when he defeats all of us." Oscar chuckled, arms crossed on his chest.

"He even almost made Max cry. Have some mercy on all of us, will you?" Charles adds, further teasing Lando.

"I'll tell you when I've settled in. Maybe a housewarming lunch or dinner sounds good?" You ask. Lando quickly taps Alex's shoulder to tell him about your new residence and a possibility of a new member for their F1 drivers-exclusive Padel Club.

"I'm going to tour you to some of the best places. You still owe me a car ride." Charles couldn't help but smile at you, already making up a list in his mind.

When the briefing ended, all of the drivers went their own way back to their hospitalities. At the corner of your eyes, you saw Max hurriedly stood up from his seat on the first row and was about to make his way towards you. He noticed the miniscule squirm your body did when your eyes met. You almost panic in your seat but he came to an abrupt stop when he saw Megan pull you away.

Max tried his best to look for a chance to talk to you, much to his dismay. There wasn't much time for each of the drivers to get to interact with each other, especially during race day. After some of his media commitments in the morning were done, he went to visit the Aston Martin hospitality. He comes up to the small ledge when he saw Lance chatting with some of the staff.

"Hey Lance." Lance gets up from his seat when he noticed Max and greets him with a one-armed hug and a double backslap. "Have you seen y/n?"

"I think Sky Sports has her for an interview, I think. You know, the usual." Lance replies as he sits down. Max groans go unnoticed.

"Do you know when she might be free? I need to talk to her." Max asks as he leans his hand on the ledge.

"Maybe after the race? Her schedule's so full today. Haven't even seen her stay here in the hospitality for more than 15 minutes. Megan even got her shooting a lot of content for our Tiktok account."

"Megan?" Max quirks up his eyebrow.

"Speaking of..." Lance chimed in as he spots Megan behind Max, about to walk inside. "Megan!" She stops and turns to Lance's direction. "He's looking for y/n." He points at Max and Megan's eyes follow.

Megan thought differently when she saw Max right there, comfortably leaning on the ledge. It was in her overprotective instinct to assume that Max might possibly be a snitch or asking anyone in the team regarding what you are. She walks up to Max and asked him to come with her, already walking away without waiting for a response. Max was confused at first but did not hesitate to follow behind.

Max and Megan comes to a halt in an empty corner in the paddock, away from prying eyes.

"What are you doing?" Megan snaps around and narrows her eyes at him, arms crossed on her chest.

"I was just asking for y/n." Max innocently confessed.

"Were you going to tell on her? I can't believe you." She leans forward as if interrogating the driver.

Max leans back, baffled by the sudden change in demeanor. "No. Of course not... Wait, you know?" He tries to whisper.

She tries to examine his face for a minute for any sign of a lie but relaxes when she felt that he was telling the truth. "Listen, Max. I know she's been avoiding you but I need her to be at her best today. She needs to be on that podium."

"Don't we all?" Max scoffs.

"No, you don't understand. I need her to be on the podium because her health is on the line. I've let her be stubborn for too long 'cause she's in love with racing too much but I finally had her to agree, at last. I don't know what's going on between the two of you but please don't distract her too much today." She pleads with a serious tone.

Max hated knowing that it wasn't his place to pry. All he wanted from you was answers but it seems that even more questions are piling up. What does she mean? Your health is on the line? Are you sick? Are you injured? How is it connected to you getting that podium?

His inner Alpha was trying to fight himself.

Our omega... She's hurt or sick. Ask for more information. No, we're clearly told to stay put. She's not ours. Isn't it clear that she's avoiding us? Than ask her directly. Let's smell her again. No. Just shut up. Stay.

"Understood?" Megan asserts herself, taking Max out of his trance.

"Yes ma'am."

Megan waited for a bit to see how Max would take their conversation but left quickly when she saw that people are now starting to crowd the paddock. Max stayed in that quiet corner for a few seconds before going out into the paddock. There he saw you, sitting just outside your team's hospitality with Alonso and surrounded by a few cameras and staff. Probably completing a challenge with your teammate. His eyes locked onto you, taking in your smile. It was invigorating for him to see you having fun.

He used to feel so foreign around you. When he sees you having fun with his friends, it irritated him. His face used to turn sour when Lando or Alex hype you up.

There was something about you that intrigues him. You weren't able to race with most of them back then. Charles was a bit familiar with you because you got to race alongside his brother. Oscar and Logan had only met you once or twice and they had raced with you in a few Grand Prix but usually a lot of drivers keep to themselves and stayed in their own garages.

Then there's the big elephant in the room. You were an Omega, no doubt. After the incident in the elevator, he did scour the internet after his haze faded when he got back in his room. There were only articles about you stating that you were an Alpha, your achievements in F2 and F3, and also the highlights of your racing career. No scandals, not much haters. There were no articles claiming you have a bad beef with any driver.

For a public personality, you kept pretty quiet. Maybe that's why no one has discovered your secret yet. But that would be an extreme feat. To conceal your identity. What about heats? The horrendous and taxing schedule of Formula 1 isn't really ideal for Omegas. He recalled when Lando had to deal with Oscar's heat every month. When they were still unmated, Lando had to tiptoe around Oscar and avoid him when his pheromones were on the highest setting. How the other drivers reacted to him when it came around race weekend. It took them at least 5 months to come to the truth that they needed each other.

It was a bit easier for Oscar because everyone knows that he is an Omega since the start. They knew they had to avoid him when Lando or Oscar gave them a heads up. It scares him thinking that it will be much harder for you but it was also amazing how good you hide it.

Questions for another day, he admits to himself.

You were having a blast going against Nando in a PR competition when you spot Max walking through the paddock. Your eyes met and it made you nervous that he might come up and wait for you but no, he avoided your eyes and continued to walk. Your eyes followed his figure, relieved but also worried. Fernando had to call your attention to continue the challenge.

Your PR and media commitments were finally done and then, there was the driver's parade. The crowds in the grandstands were almost full and it was deafening. Everyone was screaming each of the drivers' names when they were called and when it was your turn to be introduced, it was heartwarming to hear their warm welcome. A smile so wide painted your face as you greet the driver while stepping in the convertible car and sat on the surface of the rear end near the deck lid.

You waited for your car's cue to go but you see it got delayed. There were a slight commotion amongst the staff that were on standby on the track and they were pointing to something behind you. You turn around and they were checking the car behind yours that was supposed to be for Max. Apparently, the engine of his parade car won't start again.

Fernando's car already left way before you and also Checo's. The staff are now pointing at yours and you see that the people who were talking to Max assisted him to get off the car. They were ushering him to your direction. Someone slapped Max's car number onto the side of your convertible. You now realize that they're letting you and Max share a car so that this problem won't delay the program.

The car shook slightly as Max climbs up the convertible. Max sees you scooting to one side trying to avoid his eyes so he quietly sat down on the other side of the convertible's rear. Both of you started to wave to the crowd as the engine of the convertible purred. Max would steal a few glances when you're not looking. Your body was stiff and awkward, in contrast to what you were showing the crowd, smiling and waving.

"Relax. It's not like I bite." Max spoke up just loud enough for you to hear under all those noise. "Just concentrate on the race later or else, you'll be an easy target for these guys."

You snap your head around and glared at him. He had this smug smile while still waving. "They wish." You scoff.

With just a few words from him, you find your shoulders loosening up. Slightly offended by his insinuation but you knew that he was just riling you up. It was also surprising that Max didn't bother to disturb you since the briefing. You would be at shoulder's length but still, he'd just nod when your eyes met.

The drivers' parade ended quickly and every driver headed for their respective garages to prepare. You spent the remaining time training with your physio and getting enough rest. The last program was for the national anthem. You make your way onto the track and answered a few questions for a Sky Sports presenter who was roaming and interviewing some of the drivers. You stood behind a grid kid to take your place and kept quiet. Right before the anthem was played, you noticed the female grid kid trying to steal a look at you. You smile back at her and she quietly squealed as she swiftly face in front. When the anthem finished playing and as you follow the other drivers exiting the track, your grid kid raised her hand to request for a high five. You gladly pressed your palm on hers and the other grid kids also eagerly raised their hand as you pass by them, catching the attention of the other drivers and the cameras.

You find yourself gritting your teeth and hands clenching the wheel as you drive the car in your grid position at the track during the formation lap. You look up at the red lights above.

"It's lights out and away we go, here at the Jeddah Corniche Circuit! and it's Max Verstappen who takes the lead of the Saudi Arabian Grand Prix."

With a good reaction time, you were able to overtake three places from 15th. You were able to fend for your position well in those crucial first few laps of the race. You attacked, you defended, you attacked, you defended. It was a constant cycle.

Max, who had started in pole position, lost the lead to Charles on the third sector in the second lap, won it back by the fourth lap and slowly and methodically pulled away for his second win of the season.

It took you only eight laps to move into 10th place, and only eight more to rise to sixth. By the halfway point of the race, and helped by the fortuitous arrival of a safety car that allowed you to make up even more ground, you find yourself in fourth.

"Y/n had played down her chances of victory from the moment a broken drive shaft ended her qualifying early Saturday and left her in 15th place. But that did not mean she had any intention of staying in the back of the field. Look at her picking her way through the pack behind her with ease"

Your driving style was aggressive and clever, a total beast on the offence. The journalists have also made note of your tyre preservation prowess. They have published a few articles after the first race mentioning that with your pairing with Alonso this year, Aston Martin can gain considerable confidence that it will be regularly able to take on the red cars and the black ones fielded by Mercedes too.

At around lap 46, Ben informs you through the radio that Lewis who is in P3 at the moment incurred a 5 second penalty. With Charles on P2 just 2 seconds ahead of Lewis and you tailing behind just a second away, there might be a chance for you to end up on the podium at the end of this race. You just have to maintain the gap behind Lewis and also for Lewis to continue battling with Charles.

Ben: "So, one more lap y/n, just bring it home." Y/N: "Think something happened to my left tyre." Ben: "Ok, copy. So Sainz, 30 seconds behind, battling with Russell."

You peek at your front left tyre and it was starting to wobble. You may have hit something on the track, possibly puncturing the tyre.

Ben: "If you go Diff-Mid 12, Sainz 20 seconds and gap to Lewis is 2 seconds." Ben: "Now 17 seconds. Now 16 seconds."

The car was already slowing down and the left tyre was tumbling around on its rim. Ben was constantly updating you but you did not bother to respond.

Ben: "So use Strat 5. 10 seconds to Sainz and 3 seconds from Lewis." Ben: "7 seconds to Sainz. 6 seconds to Sainz." Ben: "Maintain this gap to Lewis. 4 seconds."

You've passed the last corner and about to go on the straight where the chequered flag should be when you saw Sainz closely tailing behind you. With your feet instinctively pushing flat out, your car zoomed past and hopefully closing the gap with Lewis in less than 5 seconds for P3 position.

Y/N: "Do we have it?! TELL ME BEN, DO WE HAVE IT??" Ben: "That's it, y/n! You've done it, P3! YOU'VE DONE IT! Wow, you've done it y/n." Y/N: "Was there a flag? I did not see it." Ben: "There was a flag. You've done it though. Just stop. You can pull the car over. We'll come and get you." Y/N: "Fuck that was close! Sorry for the profanity." Ben: "Yeah, I was about to say the same thing. That was a close call. Too close for comfort. But awesome work, mate." Y/N: "LET'S GO!!!!! BEN, WE DID IT!!!"

Your team radio is now being broadcasted across all tv screens worldwide. As Max and the other drivers complete their slow lap around the track after they've crossed the line, they catch a glimpse of you in the screens. Throwing your hands in celebration, still inside the cockpit. When you got out of the car at the side of the track, you knelt down and pats the damaged tyre aggressively as if thanking the car.

You had to do your best as not to cry from overwhelming joy. You felt like you won the race for P3 but you didn't. It was as if you were soaring through the clouds right then. The crowds at the grandstands were screaming your name, fireworks were setting off in the background. That was for Max, of course, but it couldn't hurt to imagine that it could be for you too.

You were picked up by a safety car and your car was towed to the parc ferme. When you got out of the car, Oscar jumped at the moment to wrap you in a hug, Lando following behind.

Warm and sincere congratulations, pats on the backs and helmet taps too, were sent over your way when you threw yourself to your team of mechanics and engineers who were waiting on the other side of the barricade. You took off your helmet and balaclava so you could properly breathe and to revel in the sounds of your victory.

You were the first one who had to do the post-race interview, followed by Charles in P2 and Max in P1. You couldn't contain your smile, choking on your words yet again.

"Y/n!" David Coulthard calls out your name in joy. "That was an amazing race. You had your maiden pole last race and now, your maiden F1 podium after just 2 races in this season. Could you tell me more?"

"With the information of Lewis' 5 second penalty, I had to give everything on the table. I've never had a race like that before. We tried to maintain the gap but also had to monitor Carlos behind as well. It was a team effort and I couldn't have done it without them."

"Your last lap had us trembling in our seats. You managed to bring home your car across the line in that state. How did you do it?" David asked with such enthusiasm.

"I don't know how I've managed to be cool in that period but I just... I had no choice. Survival instincts came over me and I've come all this way. I'm not gonna pull over and back off to let anyone drive pass. I was thinking 'How can I get there with taking as much risks as possible without losing the car altogether?'. I still can't believe I did it." You try to take a few deep breaths after you finished your interview, still reeling in from that feeling of accomplishment.

Max and Charles pats your back as the three of you walked towards the cooldown room. The huge screen showing the highlights of the race, including your tyre mishap and struggle to cross the finish line for P3. Charles hands you a water bottle and you took it, not peeling your eyes away from the screen. If you only had your phone, you would take a photo of the small pillar with a huge number 3 and a small screen playing your driver intro bit.

The three of you are now ushered to prepare for the podium ceremony. Your feet was quick to move after your name was called. The crowd roared with applause and cheers as you made your way up the podium. You stood patiently on your step as you hear Charles' and Max's name. Despite feeling a bit flushed due to the adrenaline from winning P3, your cheeks felt a bit cold as you place your hands on the side of your face.

Your race suit now wet from the champagne being sprayed amongst the podium placers. Charles and Max were having fun targeting you, spraying the champagne at your face. They both admired your blissful smile and eyes filled with euphoria.

"Champagne suits you. Congratulations y/n!" Max can't help but admit to himself that you were an excellent racer. Your expression softened when you heard him and it's like Max's heart skipped a beat.

"Thanks Max. Congratulations on winning!" As if the champagne rain slowed down, it was just you and Max. The stage lights made the champagne sparkle, trickling down on both of you. He never saw anyone be so ecstatic in getting P3 but you made celebrating look so beautiful and graceful.

You watched Max's face as he shared a smile with you but not a second later, you could clearly see the horror in his face as his body stiffen.

"Y/n, your nose." Charles cocks his head to the side of Max, inconspicuously pointing to his nose, prompting you to do the same. Your hand crept up to your face and it was met by a warm liquid oozing down your nose. When you swiped it off, you saw blood on your fingertips.

Max was quick to turn you around, shielding you from the cameras. You try to wipe your nose with your arm but the blood can't seem to stop.

"Are you okay? What's wrong? Do you want us to call the medics?" Max whispers in panic, still spraying the champagne at Charles and towards the crowd below as he shields you behind him. To the people below and in the crowd, it was as if you're just wiping the champagne off your face.

"Relax. It's just a nosebleed. This will pass." You whispered, still trying to wipe off the remaining blood. The sleeve of your green suit now tinted red. "What the heck, it's not stopping."

"Y/n, I think the cameramen are now noticing." Charles' eyes darted to the cameramen below and above.

"I've been a bit more anemic lately. I think that's why." You murmured.

"When Megan told me that your health is compromised, is this it?" Max leans to your side a bit, still facing front and waving to the crowd.

"You talked to her? What did she tell you?!" You glared at Max, surprising the two men.

"Y/n, Max, can you two talk about it later? We're still on the podium." Charles cleared his throat.

You slightly nudged Max away from you, not noticed by the crowd, while you pinch your nose and cover your face. Max can't help but stare in concern at your figure. His inner Alpha wanting to carry you and rush to medic's tent.

Then the ceremony ended.

"Y/n, come on. I haven't told him much, I promise. I just told him to leave you alone that day." Megan pleaded as she follows you while carrying a large box filled with your household items.

You open the door to let Megan in but you avoid her eyes. She darts across the empty unit, footsteps echoing along the walls, to place the box labeled 'Kitchen Items' down on the floor. You sighed, accepting defeat, as you drop the huge bag of items that you were carrying.

"Fine, but next time, stop telling him unnecessary information."

"Hey, your health was not an unnecessary information. I'm just glad you're fine now. I told you that your prolonged use of suppressants will eventually bite you in the ass." She rambled.

"Yes, yes. You gotta stop scolding me. It's been like a thousand times already." You groaned. "I got the podium and I'm on a suppressant detox. Happy?"

"Yes. I'm working on your schedule just in case it came early." Megan skips across the unit and stopped near the door. "I'll get the last box. You can stay here just in case the delivery company calls through the intercom." She exits the unit after you nod your head.

The empty huge apartment unit was now filled with unopened boxes. There were no furnitures yet but the anticipation of decorating your new home is making you excited. Wood and cured paint scent filled the air. It was relaxing for you but after a while, it's actually nauseating so you open the door to the balcony.

Coldness of the elegant granite greeted your arms as you lean against it. Your apartment is located in a spot overlooking the marina where you can spot plentiful yachts. With just a soft breeze, you could almost smell the sea. Even with your eyes closed, you could vividly visualize the city below you from its sound. The hustle and bustle of Monaco.

Closing your eyes for a few seconds made you yawn. You are still recovering from that horrific anemic bout during the podium ceremony in the Saudi Arabian Grand Prix. The team had to recommend you to a local hospital for a check up and was just given a prescription. You took a flight out the next day and went straight to "Moving Out" mode. It hasn't been two days since the race but here you are, renting a luxurious apartment in Monaco, about to live your best life.

"Looks like you could fit a head in your mouth." You heard a familiar warm voice coming from above your balcony. When you opened your eyes, there was someone peeking their head out of their balcony and looking down below at you, apparently still yawning. You closed your mouth in embarrassment.

"Max?!"

"Hi neighbor!"

Next part: Part 5

Taglist: @laura-naruto-fan1998 @fanboyluvr @giffywiffy3408 @notyouraveragemochii @cmleitora @exotic-iris13 @topguncultleader @mirrorball-6 @barcelonaloverf1life @silscintilla @aquangxl @whyamireadingthis @imaddict

[dmbakura]

i dont disagree with you but i must say that just because other characters say something about astarion it doesnt mean its not a valid reading of his character, at least at that point in time. like, yeah, by real life real person standards no one can read someone else accurately, but its a story so those lines are there for a reason. to me it seems theyre meant to be taken as accurate readings of his psyche, given hes not trying to put up the facade of a, as they more or less put it, "a fragile flake of snow". if the story was trying to make a point about sh/minthara wrongly making assumptions about astarion, i dont think its apparent, although it could have flown over my head tbf.

whether or not those lines were well thought out or not given the halsin situation in act 3 is something else entirely (or that perhaps hes at a healthier stage in act 3), maybe someone could even argue that his writer(s) didnt supervise those minthara/sh lines but personally i dont agree with looking at the writing process that way, but i understand why someone might get contradicting ideas about astarions stance on tav having several partners if they heard those lines.

sorry if my thoughts are a bit disjointed, im not great at words.

See, I think Minthara and Shadowheart are RIGHT about Astarion (ie that he is a lot more fragile than he lets on/might not be willing to share) but the thing is Astarion more or less says the exact same thing about Shadowheart in return (that she's not ready for a relationship like that) and I don't see anyone saying she isn't actually poly because another character clearly knows her better than she knows herself. Why does that only happen with Astarion?

Like being real here, none of the characters at the point in the story are ready for real relationships! They're all going thru it! It's been like 2 weeks and they barely know each other! And if we're taking it as a game that's not written in a vacuum, then no fucking shit they're not gonna let you date 2 origin characters at once. I said this on Twitter but its pretty obvious why the polyamory is confined to Halsin and why it's more of a triangle than a full threesome, because I have 0 fucking clue how you'd even fully implement it in the game with a romance system like this.

I'm not trying to come across like I'm mad at you or anything, I see your point, but i feel like in this case it's people's unconscious biases against polyam relationships overwriting like. Basic logic and reasoning. The game is massive and complex. There's contradicting info and unreliable narration all over the place because it's a story and that's how complex stories work. I'm not really gonna be impressed by someone's literary analysis skills if they can piece together that Astarion's arc is about figuring out what he really wants and reclaiming his trauma, yet SOMEHOW also think his character development is permanently frozen in act 2 where he's at his most insecure and that he's completely incapable of expressing what he really wants. That is not meaningful examination of the work to me.

[divine-elixir]

What do you mean it's still only January?

Hmm anyway. Since the start of the year I've been feeling some way about myself. Of course I've used labels before, but if I'm being honest I was never really comfortable with them in the first place. It feels....confining. I've probably lost sight of the kind of being I am with all of this back and forth, and constant self confusion. And I know right now I say being deer-like in form feels comfortable, but I'm sure 5 months from now I'm going to change my mind.

Honestly, I'm nothing. Yet, everything. It makes sense, since I'm just an avatar of the imaginary tree and all. And, at least for the way it functioned the way I remember it, it contained endless worlds and multitudes. And I do to. Any identity I pick for myself is solely for fun and games, it doesn't really have any deeper meaning than that. And I guess that's okay. Knowing myself to be empty feels comforting, just like an empty glass I can fill that spot with anything I want without limit.

Besides form, my feelings extend to names to. I don't really have a given name, but I do like collecting names, I like it when people I've befriended name me. I remember being given a name while I was on Tey/vat, more specifically in Li/yue. I cherish it like someone might cherish gold. Hmm it had a really nice meaning to.

Now, I don't know much of how I feel about my personality. I suppose it's consistent enough to help differentiate me from others in my home realm, but at the end of the day we're technically one. Though, I ought to be unique to those who've gotten the chance to know me at least.

I could type all day about this, really. But I've always felt that all the countless worlds were simply dreamed up by the tree, and I'm just a lucid avatar created to visit and explore those worlds. Of course I could alter things but that wouldn't be very fun. I want to see and hear the stories of the inhabitants of these worlds, raw. And even if it seems I'm not there myself, I'm technically always present and a part of these worlds aren't I? Then technically I never actually left Tey/vat......I'm not going to be corny and say I'm in the sunbeams and baby's laughter or whatever.....or maybe I will. I'm in baby giggles and morning dew on blades of grass. I'm also in doggy doo. 🥺

But uhhhh, yeah I was talking about form or something. I suppose what I wanted to say is I just am. I am a fella with no real or true form. Saying it makes me feel so light and like a burden has been lifted off of my shoulders. I've spent years jumping from thinking I was a dragon, a kitsune, a bunny, and all sorts of creatures, things, and concepts. Not that there's any shame in that, I do like those forms/things. They're fun and I like playing around.......though I guess the only consistent part of any of my forms is my white coloring, pink eyes, third eye, and jade scales. Yippeee.

Uhhhh, I don't know how to end this. Abrupt stopping point be upon you!

[mesillusionssousecstasy]

The perfect couple : Quotes

"- "Kill someone and get away with it" rich." (Greer's PR - Episode 1)

"- There you go. Ask, and you shall receive." (Greer - Episode 1)

"- Will, prescription roulette? You want to throw some Addies in the mix? (Thomas) - I sold all mine." (Will - Episode 1)

"- Mrs. Amelia washes her own dishes. It's rude. I don't come into her job at the zoo and pet the animals." (Gosia - Episode 1)

"- You know what, Carl? I just met you, and I... I already don't like you. (The detective) - Carl chuckles. - Like, at all." (The detective - Episode 1)

"- What? They're all in it for the money. But at least my wife matches the fucking wallpaper." (Thomas - Episode 1)

"- We're just filling in the blanks, Amelia, taking control of the narrative." (Greer - Episode 2)

"- Listen, if you make these people the enemy, they will bring in their New York lawyers so fast your head will spin. You got to let them think you work for them, because the minute they feel they're losing control, they burn it all down. I've seen them do it." (Dan Carter - Episode 2)

"- He makes his own bed like a poor person." (Gosia - Episode 2)

"- If you want your clients to respect you, you have to stop talking to them crypto." (Isabel - Episode 2)

"- Anyone who wears flip-flops outside of the confines of their own house should be arrested." (Abby - Episode 2)

"- I mean, guys are always falling all over her, but she believes that if you sleep with someone, you give away your power. (Amelia - Episode 3)

"- Do we have chilled rosé? (Greer) - Oh, of course we have chilled rosé." (ensemble - Episode 3)

"- You know the interesting thing about guilt, Tag? It's not transferable." (Greer - Episode 3)

"- I know you don't care, but I do." (Greer - Episode 3)

"- All right, I think we all need some comfort food. (Greer) - I prefer comfort drink. (Isabel - Episode 3)

"- I do love Chablis." (Greer - Episode 3)

"- Byredo Blanche. The literal best." (Abby - Episode 5 ; no Seven Veils)

"- Jesus. It looks like Lilly Pulitzer projectile-vomited all over this place." (Abby - Episode 5)

"- Who is gonna tell the middle-aged men of the world that they cannot wear shorts with loafers? Is it going to have to be me?" (Abby - Episode 3)

"- "He's so rich"? (Amelia) - Well, at Deerfield, he had bodyguards. He's, like, kidnap-rich. (Abby) - He never mentioned that. (Amelia) - Yeah, he plays it down. People with that kind of money don't talk about their money." (Abby - Episode 5)

"- Aren't you people supposed to be able to tell when someone's shining you on? (Tag - Episode 5)

"- In France, we don't let this kind of thing get us down, you know? Maybe you could get some hot apology sex out of it. (Isabel) - Maybe, but we're not in France, and, um, this really isn't helping. Thank you. (Benji) - I'm just saying, don't let it derail your life. And affair is just the heart's way to check if it's still alive. The heart. The pussy." (Isabel - Episode 5)

"- She really came at me. So, I said, "Lady, I'm the one who wrote the guest list, and I promise you're not on it. And then she was like, "Well, check it again." "It's 'Rockerfeller.' R-O-C-K-E-R-F-E-L-L-E-R." (Greer's PR - Episode 5)

"- ... you are beautiful. But that's not why Greer hates you. She hates you because you're real. That's why she hates me too. Because I say what I think. When people have spent their whole lives caring about what others say, they cannot stand to see someone.... They just can't stand to see someone.... Reminds them of their wasted life." (Isabel - Episode 5)

"- I said I didn't care about money. And I don't. I never think about it. (Shooter) - Well, it's a lot easier to say when you've always had it. You're just like the rest of them. No one around here tells the truth. They're all lying. Good we realized this was impossible before we did anything else stupid. And hurt anyone more than we already have. Glad that's settled." (Amelia - Episode 5)

"- I would say what makes it so obvious is what makes it so unlikely." (Episode 5)

"- But anyone who expects to be paid back by someone like him is an idiot. Beautiful women don't kill for money, they don't kill for sex. They can have these things anytime they want." (Isabel - Episode 6)

"- The motive Thomas laid out makes the most sense. (Dan Carter) - Money. (The detective) - Money. (Dan Carter) - With these kind of people, it's always about the money." (The detective - Episode 6)

"- Men are such assholes. (Abby) - Yeah, tell me about it. (Merritt) - Can't trust them not to cheat. Can't trust them not to lie. You really can't trust them to just get the job done. It's true, if you want something done right, you just have to do it yourself." (Abby - Episode 6)

[discluded]

Hey, same anon that talked about BOC distancing themselves from the LGBTQ+ community. My post wasn't meant to dampen the excitement of them doing new projects with a broader audience. Just saying BOC is shitty for what they're doing. They drop the LGBTQ+ community once they want the eyes & money of homophobes. I hope MileApo's Chinese project is amazing af because they deserve it (& if BL related, it's censored as little as possible).

Thanks for clarifying! Yes, I'm just... tired of BOC right now. To me, I'm happy to throw them away with any other company that practices rainbow capitalism until it's time to stir up my ire again. My main anguish was the impression that BOC had a tight stranglehold on MileApo's potential future success by creating this ceiling with their own incompetence and we're finally free of that concern.

About whether or not it'll be BL and Chinese censorship:

First of all, I'm going to say: I'm excited either way. I don't want their work to be confined to romance, which it sounds like Man Suang will not, and while it will be lovely that queer couples are treated the same way as straight couples (In that they just sort of appear in series as leads and the primary plot is the focus while them having a relationship is background/secondary like Mabel's second season personal plot line in Only Murders), I do understand that's not the media capacity in China.

Either way, we do know they played brothers for the lolz once and it was... um, uncomfortably sexually charged.

That being said, lol this insane drama is gonna come out in China supposedly:

RIP to you if you watch, you might need brain bleach after. I'm not even sure how something like this going to pass censorship review but 😵 I guess we're see.

As far as I'm aware, I saw discussion within danmei fandom that there was potentially some loosening of the censorship rules because apparently capitalism rules all, but I can't seem to find anything about that lately so who knows. I actually saw that TGCF's drama supposedly passed censorship review last year, but it's been almost a year now and no updates.

Finally, a word about LGBTQ censorship by the CCP -- I know not everyone here lives in America or the west (thank God) but I often see comments on Tumblr and Twitter to the effect that people living under governments with human rights abuses share the same beliefs as the government. While there is definitely manipulation of public sentiment through propaganda, please remember that places with such restrictions on human rights hurt the people living in their country first and foremost. (And yes anon, I know that is not what you're saying! just my rant!!!)

The behavior of the government does not reflect the sentiment of individual citizens who live in China ( who don't get to choose their government at all lol )

Article from Feb 2022 about public outrage about the lesbian plotline in Friends being censored

A September–October 2016 survey by the Varkey Foundation found that 54% of 18–21-year-olds supported same-sex marriage in China.[124]

An online opinion poll from Phoenix Network in December 2019, which garnered close to 10 million votes, showed a 67% majority in favor of same-sex marriage in China.[46]

Again, I known anon this is not what you meant or said at all, but if I see anyone in fandom saying racist ass shit about Chinese people, I'm going to start publicly calling them out because fandom is my fun safe space and I don't need people to bring racism into my life 😊🔪

Finally, about what MileApo committed to: a full version can always air on iQiyi internationally while a sad cut version airs domestically (I think what happened with La Forte). Queer storytelling that circumvents censorship to tell the stories of queer people to a wider audience even if maybe not the full version isn't bowing to censorship - it's showing the resilience of LGBTQ people in spite of the attempts to quash out our light.

[2n2n]

Could you do an analysis of the TBHK theme song. The lyrics seem like it’s Tsukasa talking to Hanako.

No. 7? Well, I'll say that... I don't know how much we can analyze anything made by anyone other than AidaIro themselves. Many anime explicitly don't follow the story beats of the manga as they progress, as they can't spoil the manga's story, and must develop separately. I'm not sure, case by case, what a crew is given to work with. For manga like FMA or Black Butler, the anime (FMA's 2003 anime) becomes completely and utterly different, and couldn't lampshade later arcs or even central themes for major characters. Nothing about those anime would really help you understand the manga, because the writing teams are different.

even when looking at the manga, one can't scrutinize a piece of dialogue without looking at the original japanese iro-sensei themselves wrote, where implications could be different.

While we do know AidaIro typically are very involved with things like cafe events and the anime's casting, I just don't know how much a hand they'd have in something like the lyrics to the opening song ... or what that artist was given/told by the staff? The lyricist is ANCHOR (Hiroki Suzuki) , who just does lyrics and/or compositions for many unrelated productions, as you'd expect. I don't know how ANCHOR works. I'm not really qualified to look into their production, though they seem to have an instagram.... not much there though.

NOW, I will say, the musical rendition of JSHK did a lot of atmospheric and loaded things (mostly in its choreo and staging) which felt backed-up by the later manga, outside of what the play was presenting. So, that at least made me wonder if Iro-sensei discusses things like general themes, Tsukasa's role, etc.... without maybe discussing incredibly specific story beats? I'd believe that Iro-sensei's writing is rich in themes and a very core direction that could be conveyed to the team, given to work around.

The lyrics of the anime are loaded with appropriate meaning that has only become more valid in the continued context, and also make me personally feel insane about my own theories, because it kind of supports them. But why or how? I have no idea. *cries*

I think you're right that it sounds like Tsukasa's perspective. Urging for a different outcome, to try again, change fate, or perhaps let it all happen just the same, all over again-- a want to see how this story could end, beckoning and pulling. Observing the repetition of suffering. I particularly like ah... "no scythe for grass that doesn't grow" which is a fun spin on the typical "the nail that sticks out is hammered down". Very Hanako's original philosophy, isn't it? Sticking to the laws and confines in which he is trapped.

Now, I personally am distracted that the cut opening talks about 'Seven faults, incomplete' (makes sense-- the 7 mysteries are all merely kaii blessed with one piece of a central God, whom power is returning to-- an incomplete entity)-- but the FULL song starts singing about "the eighth" and begins saying "eight faults, incomplete" ...

一か八か綱渡りって　八番目は無いだろ？ 四苦で八苦さ　引く手数多 七転んで　罰が当たる おいでおいで　奇々怪々 我が身八癖　未だに不完全で 未完成だから踠いてるんだ

plays-on-words suchas 一か八か & 八苦

Most of the mysteries names contain a reference to their number, and suspiciously, Yashiro's name also has a number tucked into it, eight 八.

But why of all things would so much emphasis on 'eight' be in the ANIME OP??????????????????????? WE'RE 100 CHAPTERS IN AND WE HAVEN'T TOUCHED ON 'EIGHTH'!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel crazy enough, referring to Nene-chan as a possible 8th mystery-- containing another fragment of the God, blessed somehow, bestowed power, by-- what-- Tsukasa????? How when??? But, I do think something is true! I do think she's tied innately to the mysteries! If you destroy them all, you'll destroy her! She's clearly a human who couldn't be alive without the mysteries! Could Tsukasa, the well God, be why Nene-chan is alive at all?

I would personally love to see somebody fluent in Japanese do a nice in-depth paroozal of the lyrics! I really don't feel I can. I can barely scratch the surface. There is a lot of poetry and symbolism in things like song lyrics which can be very difficult to ground.... I wouldn't be able to identify anything.

.... and as I said... I wouldn't know how much meaning to take from it.

for now it only makes me feel slightly insane

I'm sorry for the post's low quality

[nightcall99]

Notes from 9.4.24

What does anyone have beyond this now moment? Is it worth it to believe there's anything lying beyond the confines of now? When it gives us such heartache...

I felt some energy this morning, but maybe I've blocked it out now. Or, I'm just not here right now. Yeah, that's it. I hate being on my period. I got a box of donuts delivered, they tasted good. I don't know about the food thing anymore, I think I skip or eat meals depending on the sense of control it gives me in that moment. I still can't stand my mum. Whenever she tries to talk to me, it leaves me feeling really irritated. It's like an ugly monster is seconds away from hatching every time. I should be more grateful because she does everything for me, but I didn't ask to be born. And I didn't ask for the things she does either, so she can just stop. I know I sound like the worst kind of brat.

The other day I was helping some man and after he said, “I always knew you were intelligent". I thanked him, but then he was like "So how come I sometimes see you outside vaping?". So the compliment was just a shoehorn into what he really wanted to ask. I really shouldn't have been so nice to him after that. I know he probably meant well because he said so himself that he had been a smoker for 20 years, a obscure concern for my health etc., but I detested what he said. And I detested more that I was not brave. Then yesterday, this other lady was like, "Why aren't you wearing a mask?". I felt like this time I was more ready for it. I was polite but firm, saying it was my choice. She backed off pretty quick. I was still holding back 95% though. I don't understand how people think they have any say about what another person does with their body. And I can't fathom what kind of environment these boomers grew up in, where this kind of audacity is seen as normal and right.

I haven't heard from AL in four days. She is supposed to be back the day after next. I think I'm a much nicer person when she's not around. Every time we are together, we both disassociate from our roles too hard and we become too team-ly, too twin-like, and it progresses inevitably into an us vs. them mentality. I want to feel close to her so I let it happen, all the while I know that I am the perpetrator. In my mirroring, I am the one at fault. Everything she says is true, it happens in real time. It happens and then we take out a magnifying glass, and the image becomes bigger. Impossibly large. It passes the time, I think. But since she's been gone, a lot of what we used to complain about has disappeared. Or I have decided not to notice it. I've eased up my thinking patterns considerably, regarding all of it. I can't blame her though, I know everything is coming from me and she is just the manifestation of the energy I want to experience. She is what I am. But I do wonder if I will return there, as I always do when I am presented with it. I mean, it makes no difference to me. It's just different games. But if the energy really has changed, then things shouldn't be the same as before. Before she left she said by the time she gets back I'd better have some answers about what the heck it is we're doing here. During that fleeting cracked era of ours, I messaged her saying, Yeah I know what we have to do and you're not going to like it. I thought I was going to be telling her that we have no choice but to re-enter matrix but I don't know anymore.

I don't think I want anything to change. Nothing on the surface matters to me. It hasn't for a long time and I don't care to ever make it matter again. Nothing external can satisfy me because the inherent realness of things is lost forever. As soon as I woke up to this, everything turned to sand. I've long been standing in a desert. So what matters? Why are we here? Something at the essence level was decided, and it was decided that it was worth it. I see small changes but if I step back, it feels like I'm gaslighting myself to see them. And perhaps everything really is just the same, just the way I like it. I realise it can be both. I realise that it must be both for anything to exist at all. So what do I want to focus on? What do I want to see? I could say a lot of things. But I'm not sure I know what wanting feels like anymore. It all feels so performative now. I don't know what I want, much less, experience myself as real. I know that's antithetical to how I've been saying lately that I feel more 'me' but it actually leans into that. This 'me' is so abstract, so subject to the whims of something unseen that I don't want to hold onto it anymore. The doll is not real. It's like the more I try to grasp onto this experience, and devise reasons to stay here, the less of an impact it all makes. I've become desensitised. I don't think I should have let myself reach this level of awareness. I remember at the start of all this when the chat was so busy and Akari and Crystal and others were around, I think I was really happy. We were at our height then, I truly think this. Back then I could have thought of a million little things that I wanted badly to do on NE and was genuinely so excited about it. But now I think that even if there's more happiness to be felt, it seems almost painful. Even the uncontainable joy of new earth, seems sad, in a way. It's not even because what comes up, must come down. No matter what we do to entertain ourselves, no matter what we identify as or with, we will always have eternity to contend with. There is always this neutrality which is the backdrop to all. I will never escape it because I am it. So what's the point? Has the idea of new earth become a burden somehow? I don't know. Right now it feels like just another square to be checked off on an experience list. Because if I could return to myself as the everlasting witness once more, right now, I think I would. I think that signals that we went too far.

[missmitchieg]

I've been trying to understand for years and I just can't make sense in my brain why some people think that wheelchair users are "trapped in"/"confined to" a wheelchair. Like

Having and using a wheelchair (and especially a really nice, comfy chair customized to your specific needs) is better and a lot more fun than being completely bedridden, or as you lot would probably call it, "confined to" the bed. In a wheelchair, we can get out of the house and go to the store, or the cinema, or a theme park if we so please*. Having a wheelchair is actually freedom, not "confinement".

This might come as a bit of a shock, but not all wheelchair users are full-time users. Like, some of us do have some amount of leg function and can and do stand and walk a bit, with or without an aid like a cane or crutches*. It's called being an ambulatory wheelchair user.

*Sure, with some occasional difficulties as the whole world is decidedly not adapted for accessibility, but we can do it.

*With VS without aid & cane VS crutches depends on the individual and their needs.

[katnissdoesnotfollowback]

haven't been having good days. do you have any suggestions to help the sad? especially at the end of the day?

I wish I was more qualified to answer this one, Anon. I think the best suggestion I can give is to avoid doing anything that might make the sad worse and to seek out what might help you.

Me, for example, my moods are very affected by sounds. So if I'm feeling like we're headed into a down, I avoid any music that could be melancholy or sad. The trick is, anything too upbeat or positive or even angry just annoys or disgusts me or makes it worse, so there's like this narrow balance of the kind of music I can listen to.

Getting some fresh air right before bed sometimes helps me. Whether that's just opening a window for a little bit, or going for a walk. Something about the movement of it along with getting out of that confined feeling of being inside. If possible, take a friend.

I'm also often sent into a down if I've been struggling to get things done, or feeling like I'm worthless, unable to finish anything. So sometimes halting that train of thought by forcing myself to focus what I did get done that day rather than what i didn't get done can help, even if it's something small.

Like, for me, I pull away from people when I'm down. Severely. Which means that if it's really bad, even just answering a text from my mom or reaching out to her with a "love you" text is kind of a big accomplishment. Fortunately, my mom will respond to that, usually pretty quick, but not always. She is only human after all, but the point is that since I pull back from interaction when I'm down, just sending that thought out there takes a lot for me to do, which means I can point to it and say, "See you did that. You overcame that stupid voice in your head that says nobody is going to care or want to hear from you when you feel like this and did it anyways." Because your support system will WANT you to reach out when you need them.

Here's something else I've found that works with my support system to make it easier for me to be around them: telling them part of what's going on. Oh that's terrifying, I know. So phrase it in a way that they can maybe understand and better cope with at first. "Oh I'm just having a hard time focusing. Got a lot on my mind so I'm sorry if I'm not all here right now, but I could use the distraction/break/whatever." People tend to accept that a little more readily than an outright statement of being depressed or struggling with the uglier sides of mental health.

If I'm not too far into the sad, I write. I whine as much as I fucking want to on a piece of paper. It's total garbage, but the point of it isn't to be brilliant writing or even interesting writing, it's to purge those thoughts out of my brain. This is also because I personally tend to hold onto everything, to let it simmer and fester. I am, unfortunately, very good at convincing everyone around me (with a few exceptions) that I'm fine, I'm great, everything is wonderful. So pouring it out to a piece of paper helps me let go of some of that and to acknowledge that actually... I'm not okay.

And the thing is, it's okay to not be okay every now and then. We are not capable of being a ray of sunshine 100% of the time. It's exhausting. And sometimes, there's no why for the sad, which is the worst, but sometimes that's just what we deal with.

Although, it needs to be said that none of these are fail proof methods. Sometimes they work, sometimes they don't. So maybe start making a list of things that have worked for you and then you have something to look back at and options to cycle through when the days are getting really bad. But most importantly, acknowledge that the voice in your head isn't always honest. In fact, sometimes that voice is an outright liar, and we are unfortunately burdened with the task of becoming a human lie detector against our own minds.

And finally... you are not your sadness. You are not your anxiety or your depression or your bipolar or whichever *lovely* gift you struggle with. That isn't who you are. It is only a piece of who you are. Give it the proverbial middle finger and keep going anyways. It's hard, I know it is. It may never be easy, but it can become easier.

My hugs and best wishes to you, Anon. You can always come to my box for a hug, if you're comfortable counting me as a weird part of your support system.

EDIT: I answered this assuming that you are asking what to do if the sad persists after you've taken care of your basic needs. So if you haven't... eat something even if it's small. Drink some water and maybe a comfort drink. Take a shower. Brush your teeth. Take your meds if you have any and have neglected them during the day. Take a few deep breaths. Hang in there. <3

[puddygeeks]

Hello! First of all, I hope you have a nice day and that the sun will shine and your flowers will bloom - in case you have any - and that life treats you kind. Second of all, I want to tell you thank you. I haven't spend much time on your blog (yet) BUT I've read all your one shots/imagines/whatever they're actually called from The 100 as well as all published chapters of Partners in Crime (I hope that's the title of your John Murphy WIP, I'm sorry but sometimes I confuse them...) and I sincerly love the story. I am even in love with your writing style. I guess you've been doing stuff like this for a long time already (that or you're a natural, maybe both ;)), but you have your own writing style, very unique but likeable. You don't dive into unnecessary detaills too much, but you manage to pick the right describtions in the right moments. Additionally, you masterd the ability of describing a character's emotions without naming the emotions, and you leave the reader yearning for more. You don't just simply give us the kiss at the best first moment, no, you make the characters (and us) work for it. Anticipation and patience are the keys! Additionally, I like that Cassidy is not the usual The 100 OC - she's not exceptionally strong or strong-willed. It's more like the opposide, yet very realistic. You know what I mean? She doesn't drop her very plausible behaviour right away just because her (possible) love interest appears out of nowhere. It's a slow character development just like it's supposed to be. Also, I like Murphy's wit. Absolutely sounds like Murphy from the show and yet it's refreshing. I think you manage to portray all characters very authentic and realistic and just as they are, not as OOCs. By the way, I got a question to your story: Did you read the books and that's where your plot comes from or did you just create your own plot within the original? Because I'm pretty sure at least the hunting trip from chapter 11 as well as Zoey are never mentioned in the show. If you did come up with it yourself, you got my deepest respect because that's a whole other class of fantasy/imagination/own creativity. Also, I just wanna let you know that it's okay to feel overwhelmed. It's okay to take a step back and maybe put some WIPs on hold or give up on them completely. After all, you're giving this to us for free while you give up your precious time to write it. You should do it for yourself, first and foremost, and not to please the audience. If you lose the interest or just don't feel motivated or whatever, it's alright to take a step back and handle your emotions. Do what YOU want to do and feel like doing. I'd be sad if you'd stop writing completely (and I'd be sad if you left Partners in Crime unfinished), but as I said before and will repeat as much as neccessary: Do what you want to do. We're in no position or right to force you into anything else. You should enjoy the process just as much as the finished product.

This being said, I still hope you have a nice, wonderful, sunny day and are being treated kind and with respect wherever you may be. I bet you're gonna hear something from me again. Thank you.

Oh my goodness, thank you so much for this! This honestly just brought me to tears. I’ve never had such a heartfelt and wonderful response to my writing, so thank you for taking the time to send this, especially now when I am feeling deflated.

I’ve actually been writing since I was little and always had a love for it, but only really committed to it in the last couple of years. I’m glad you love my style, it’s always evolving and I do try to always be open to learning so that means a lot. I always love the suspense of two characters falling in love, sometimes even more than when they finally get together! That’s probably why I’ve always fallen into the “slow burn” category of teasing my readers with lots of almost moments and making them wait forever before anything happens 😂

Cassidy is absolutely very different to most characters, even for me. Most of the time my OCs are very fiesty and overpowering, so it’s been interesting to write someone so timid. I’ve also had the best time developing her and Murphy’s relationship and figuring out how they compliment each other considering how opposite their personalities are.

It makes me so happy to hear that you feel the characters are in character, especially Murphy! Most of my editing is spent re-writing his dialogue to keep it as sharp witted as he is, so I’m so excited to hear that it works! I have my wonderful beta @cheriesbucky to thank for helping me to keep everyone in character. I will also mention that Zoey is actually her OC who she assists in writing for my story 😊

I’ve actually never read the books, but I might once I eventually finish the show. All of the new plots are original works of mine, based on the journey that I wanted Cassidy to take and also making her and Murphy’s relationship develop naturally, instead of being forced into the confines of the show. In fact, I can imagine that a lot of the story to come will be AU as although I would like to keep a lot of the major events that shape Murphy into the loveable cockroach that we all know, there are some things that don’t fit with my vision for the two of them.

I honestly try to stick to writing for myself. Fortunately I still have a lot of love for my 100 stories and OCs. It’s important for me to stick to my own vision for them, even if I don’t think that my readers will like some of the things they do or say. I feel like what makes my OCs interesting is that they are different from the majority and though I’m sure that is part of the reason that my readership is on the smaller side, I’d rather be true to them.

Thank you again for all of your kind words. I can’t adequately explain how much they have warmed my heart and motivated me. You’ve recharged my inspiration more than you can know. I’ll be writing another chapter of Partners In Crime tomorrow especially for you 🖤

Lots of love

Puds

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Tw: detailed recounts of abuse/neglect, trauma anniversary, solitary confinement, slight poverty mention, survivors guilt, self doubt (this post might be very heavy)

Just looking to put this into the world somehow, maybe looking for validation? But if what I'm saying isn't valid there's no need.

It's coming up to the three year anniversary of when I left my moms house permanently, the three year anniversary of when I heard rage-screaming downstairs I started recording in case the police needed evidence if I didn't make it out. The three year anniversary of when we lost the house that had been falling apart for years at that point.

We're still in contact, she has another house at this point, and she makes sure to visit all the time and let me know how much she loves me. She brings gifts like new clothes and my favorite food, and it makes me feel so confused and guilty for having cptsd at all. She's like a different person from the one who pinned me against walls to scream at me and didn't allow me to go to school or the doctor or anywhere for years so they wouldn't find out what was happening, who made "outside" a sort of out-of-reach fantasy. The origin of why I'm so claustrophobic. I was hidden away for so long I ended up developing psychosis at age 12 or 13.

Why is she nice now? I'm almost an adult, so I figured maybe she just gets along with adults better than she does with kids. Maybe it's because I can count with my fingers the amount of times I've visited since she kicked me out at 3AM last year for having a medical emergency "she couldn't handle", maybe we're better apart? Or maybe I was just that terrible as a kid. I was a handful.

When I tell others about what happened they always say it sounds like torture and that they wouldn't survive, I've heard stories of other kids who got locked away who ended up succumbing to their circumstances. In my head I'm always thinking I'm lucky to be alive despite everything, but a part of me is also wondering why it had to be me who was one of the lucky ones. Someone who arguably deserved what happened. Someone who, even while locked away, experienced random bursts of kindness from my own abuser? It makes me feel guilty for even talking about this. I'd get banished to a storage room for asking a question while she's in a bad mood but then after a while she'd open the door with hot chocolate made just how I like it if she could afford it.

I don't know if what I experienced was kindness or abuse??? I don't know which one I actually even deserved. I wish she was awful to me all the time so I wouldn't feel awful talking about the bad things she did to me. She's a good person now and I love her but she deprived me of education and medical care for years and occasionally made me fear for my safety and life. But she's so kind? And loving? Im wondering if I was just so bad that I made a kind and loving person into someone who would do stuff like that. I don't know. I'm sorry this got so long.

(please just ignore this if its too long or heavy, I just wanted to get this out there. I'm also hoping I sent this to the right blog now oh god, I hope this is the trauma support blog and not some random person hahaha)

Hey there,

I'm so sorry you went through all of that. No one deserves to be treated like that.

I think that she is getting really worried and scared that she has lost control over you. Since you're almost an adult, you will have more independence and she is trying to keep you in her life.

It can also be an abuse tactic to gaslight you into thinking the abuse wasn't as bad or real at all. She may want to convince you that she's on your side and that you should continue to have contact with her, despite her abuse of you.

You deserve kindness, but you do not have to accept anything from your abuser. Remember that you are allowed to uphold your boundaries. You deserve a safe, healthy, happy life. Here is a page about setting boundaries.

You did not do anything to deserve abuse. Her treatment of you was not okay, at all. You absolutely are not to blame for the abuse she inflicted on you.

I know you're feeling a lot of mixed emotions and confusion. That makes sense. Her behavior is not consistent. Be patient with yourself while you're processing things. Journaling can help you process your thoughts and feelings.

Wishing you well.

- Misa

[getitinbusan]

CAM BUNNY TWO - SMUT

Part ONE Here

"Baby I'm so bored." 

You set your book face down to hold it's space, it was the 4th time he'd interrupted you.

"Why aren't you working on your mixtape, you need to get it done Guk." 

His fingers walked up your bare leg and stopped at the hem of your shorts. 

"I need inspiration," he whined while climbing on top of you. 

Tucking his head into your neck he trailed kisses down your collar bone, "and I'm horny."

You giggled while pushing his head, trying to keep him at bay but it only made him try harder. 

"I'd wager a bet that in the last 2 months you've had more sex than in your entire life." 

He smiled devilishly, "It's not my fault you feel so good."

He picked up the new vibrator that had been delivered earlier, "Plus, how am I supposed to focus with all this stuff around." 

"You want me to use it on you? We can show..." you picked up the card, "DaddyDong69 his gift in action." 

Jungkook laughed, "I can't believe men send you these things. Do you think they'd still watch if they knew you had a boyfriend?" 

You playfully bit the tip of the silicone, "Wanna find out?" 

Hoseok quickly walked back to his room from the dance studio. Lately he'd been experiencing an unusual but not necessarily unwelcome side effect of his long practice sessions.

It took  about 10 minutes to hit, his work outs had been increasing his testosterone levels, making his blood pump straight to his cock.

Turning the handle and locking the door behind him, he immediately tugged his pants down. Laptop and moisturizer conveniently at the ready he woke up the screen with the pad of his finger. 

He shouldn't be on here but he couldn't help himself, the CAMBUNNY site had been bookmarked for the last few months and he'd become a regular.

Jungkook didn't have to know, you didn't have to know. As long as he stayed on the screen chat what did it hurt? 

Your light was off, damn, what a waste of an erection.

Scrolling through pictures, he could get off to someone else, but it wouldn't be the same. Suddenly like you knew he was waiting, your availability turned on. 

_______________

"You wanted to play Kookie, so we're going to play."

His eyes looked innocent and naive, two things he definitely wasn't. "Don't worry, I'll protect your secret identity."

You winked and threw the latex suit at him "Go put this on." 

Getting everything set up you flicked your room to open. 

Jungkook stood over you, "Why does everyone use weird names? What's an Angma-J?"

You laughed at him, "Well TOKKI...an Angma is a devilish fiend. A mischievous person who is extremely addicted to some pernicious habit, and in this case, I'm going to guess that it's porn." 

"Hmm," he repeated the word for practice, "pernicious...Is he a regular?"

"Yeah, he's been around a while, seems harmless enough. Want me to ask?" 

He slid the mask over his head, "Let's do it!" 

________________

"Hey baby," you spoke into the camera. "I was wondering if you'd like to watch something new tonight?"

Angma-J: What are you thinking? I'm so hard for you. 

I thought maybe you'd like to watch me get fucked by a real cock."

You pulled Jungkook and his shiny suit into the frame.

"You can pretend it's you in there...you inside me, you making me moan...what do you say?" 

Nothing, silence...you waited. Jungkook clicked mute, "Y/N, he's not going to do it, I'm telling you." 

"He will so you'd better shut up and remember not to use our names." 

________________

Was he really going to do it? Was he so sexually deprived that he'd sit here and watch you and Jungkook fuck while he masturbted?

He hit the keys one at a time…. words began appearing on the screen….

Angma-J: Fuck yes.

_______________

You gave a quick wink to the camera and pulled your shirt off leaving Jungkook dumbfounded.

He had been 100% positive that Angma-J was going to bail and that he'd just get to fuck you while wearing the suit. 

He was frozen, you needed to fix this.

Leaning close to the camera, tits filling the screen you blocked the view of the room. Hitting mute you turned your head to look at him. "Guk, baby, are you scared?" 

"Not scared, I just don't know how to start…"

"I want you to show him I'm yours okay? Show him that real men get to fuck real women and not just their hands."

"Okay."

"Come stand behind me and play with my tits."

Unmuting and backing away from the camera his gloved hands wrapped around your chest and firmly gave your nipples a tug.

His touch turned them hard and he couldn't resist lowering his head to take a long suck. The open zipper mouth of his mask dragged cool and sharp across your flesh in contrast to his hot tongue on your bulleted tips. 

He looked up at you, his eyes weren't sparkly and playful as usual, they were dark and dangerous.

He brought his mouth to yours, teasing, coaxing your tongue to meet his. Grabbing your breast he held up your nipple in the space between you, both your tongues darting over it and each other. 

"Lay back," he commanded.

Moving to pull him back with you he caught both your hands. His one large hand easily secured both your arms above your head.

He smirked while angling the camera between your legs, "Don't you love looking at this pretty cunt?" 

_________________

Hope could barely believe what he was seeing. He was so jealous that Jungkook got to fuck you whenever he wanted. 

He looked down at his weeping cock wishing he could just put it in you. 

Angma -J: put your fingers in her and fuck her with them …. rough.

________________

Jungkook looked at you, it was strange yet exciting to let someone else call the shots.

While he was apprehensive to proceed without your consent, he had also watched you before, and felt he knew your limits.

He held his fingers up to the camera and smiled before he plunged them two deep inside you without warning. 

His hand thrust hard, you were sure you'd be bruised from his knuckles in the morning. 

Still confining your hands, you were at his mercy. Bringing his mouth back to your chest he bit your nipple and tugged it between his teeth. 

"Fuck…" you almost said his name but caught yourself.

He laughed, "Fuck what baby? Does your tiny pussy hurt from my fingers?" He looked back at the camera, "should I give her another?"

________________

Hope shifted in his seat, cock in hand stroking the tip slowly.

He was trying not to be over eager, he wanted this to last. He'd tuned into you a few times but fuck, something about watching Jungkook use you made it 100 times better.

Angma -J: Tell me how she tastes

_______________

The question triggered him, the look he had on his face was predatory. Being allowed to let his perversions come out while in disguise felt so good.

He let go of your hands and dropped to his knees. Spreading your wet lips apart he smiled directly into the camera before taking a big lick. 

"So fucking good, like a tart juicy apple. You know when you take a hug bite and it gets all over your chin..fuck, just like that. 

He worked his mouth around your clit, circling it, sucking it, teasing it until your excitement was dripping. 

Using his tongue he gathered up your milky discharge and held it out for Angma-J to envy.

Making a show of swallowing it Jungkook moaned, "Hot apple pie." 

________________

He almost came right then and there. He had to look away from the screen before he blew his load.

Angma-J: Make her suck you off

_______________

You swear you'd never seen Jungkook this happy about anything.

He stood up over you with a crooked grin, "We both want my cock in your mouth."

Standing up you let your hands travel over the black vinyl suit. It hugged every curve, accentuated every muscle as his hard cock strained against it looking for release. 

You got on your knees and licked the outline of his tip while looking into the camera.

The zipper ran from bottom to top, starting at the base of his cock to just below his belly button. You opened it slowly and only enough to remove his balls.

His delicate flesh laying against the suit made a strong contrast for the camera. He let his head fall to watch while you sucked them into your mouth, one at a time, back and forth. 

"You want more, baby?"

Jungkook nodded as you worked the zipper higher. His full hard length sprang out demanding attention from your mouth. 

You put your hands behind your back so your viewer could see everything.

Just sucking his tip, Jungkook got whiney, not getting the full sensation he was after.

"That's not enough, I know you can take my whole cock." 

You smiled and flicked his tip with your tongue, "make me."

Grabbing a fist full of hair he pulled your head back, "Open wide for Appa." 

He slid his cock into your mouth slowly the first few times letting your throat relax then faster and deeper.

Holding your head stationary he fucked himself into your throat. Gagging around him, drool spilled from your mouth down your tits. Unclasping your hands from behind you, you rubbed the liquid over your breasts.

Lubricating your nipples you scissor pinched them between your fingertips. 

_______________

Angma-J: I want to see her pink pussy get off on the suit. Thigh ride? 

_______________

Jungkook groaned, "But i'm not done." 

"Too bad babe, you've gotta do what the customer wants and the customer wants to watch me get off."

You smiled playfully at the lens and switched to the bed camera.

"I think we can give you a good view from here." 

You patted the bed for Jungkook to lay down and grabbed a bottle of lube from the bedside table.

Holding it high in the air you let a stream fall slowly over his leg, fuck this was going to feel good. 

Straddling his thigh you let your sex slide across him. The slick of the wet vinyl dragging across your clit was almost too much sensation to handle.

Jungkook and J-Hope both stroked themselves in time with your motions as you humped Kookies leg.

Hobi leaned into the screen, your opening was glimmering with wetness and he could see you beginning to clench.

Crying out, Jungkook grabbed your hips and helped you move through your climax. The thick strings of your release clung between you and the suit, a white trail sticking to the material. 

Both men were becoming desperate to cum. 

"How should I finish her?"

______________

Angma-J: "In her ass, I bet she really likes that"

______________

"Do you like that baby? Do you like taking my cock in your ass?"

In show of approval you spread your ass cheeks apart.

Running his fingers over your cunt he gathered the excess slick and pushed it into your anus making you moan. 

He looked at the Camera, always the showman, "Are you ready?" 

He slapped your bottom, and pressed his tip at your entrance. Pushing nice and slow he meweled, "I love fucking this ass." 

Sitting back on his knees he held your hips guiding you to thrust yourself onto him.

He liked it like this, he was always afraid he'd go too deep or too hard but like this, you were in control. You weren't afraid, you loved every stroke, feeling him deep inside you. 

He was breathing heavy...

Hope was clutching his cock ready to explode....

"Tell me I'm being a good girl."

"So fucking good." J hope moaned to the screen.

"Tell me how badly you want to cum into me."

"I want to watch it drip out of you baby," Kookie purred.

As you sank back he grabbed your waist and held you still while ejaculating into you with a grunt.

Pulling his cock out you backed into the camera.

J-Hope finished himself while watching Jungkook's cum ooze out of you and down your leg. 

Turning off the feed you collapsed beside your boyfriend.

Pulling his mask off, you kissed him passionately.

"I missed your face...and your body. Let's get you out of this suit." 

Showered and napped, he headed back to the dorms around dinner time. Most of the guys were already eating in the common kitchen.

Jungkook opened the fridge, there had to be at least 5 pies in there.

He looked at the others, "who the hell ordered all these?"

J-Hope came walking in holding a plate with a fork shoved in his mouth.

"Hobi," Jungkook clued in, "what fucking type of pie is that?"

Hope set the items on the counter before Jungkook could chase him. As he began to flee he yelled out laughing, "I had a sudden craving for Apple." 

[softmintmochi]

Genre: Angst

Summary: The biggest day of your life is finally here. You've never been happier in your life. Everyone important in your life is here, glad that you're happy.

Jimin's POV

I sigh deeply as I steady myself, my nerves making me feel on edge. Today is the day. Surrounded by my friends, I feel a sense of security. "Are you nervous, Jimin?" Seokjin pats my back soothingly, and I smile up at him. "Of course I'm nervous. What if I do something wrong? Say something wrong?" I ask, my fingers fumbling with my tie. I groan in frustration, and Seokjin takes over for me, tying it perfectly. "You're gonna be fine. We're all going to be there standing right next to you." He assures me. "Yeah, you've got nothing to worry about. Here, maybe this will calm you down." Yoongi says, handing me a flask. I gladly accept it, taking a swig and letting the liquid burn my throat. The door swings open, Namjoon smiling brightly as he raises his hands him the air. "Alright guys, it's time! Let's go get married!" He declares.

The venue is beautiful. I've seen it in pictures about a million times, but pictures can't even begin to compare to the real thing. A spring wedding in the forest. That's always been her dream. She's been planning this since she was a little girl. The trees towered over us, giving us nice shade from the sun's rays. Rows of cushioned seats decorated in lavender ribbon were lined up, facing the alter, which was also laced in ribbon, also pale pink roses poking out. It was absolutely perfect. I walk around, greeting people, ushering people to their seats, waiting anxiously for it to begin. I check my watch, and it's 20 minutes until it starts. I make sure everyone is seated and as soon as they are, I take my place up at the alter, all of my friends around me. I take a deep breath, trying my best to calm myself. It's time.

The music plays, and the doors of the building open. Taehyung rubs my arm that's hidden from view soothingly, trying to calm me down. Everyone turns as she appears, her father locking arms with her as he guides her. Her beautiful fingers wrap around the bouquet of pale pink roses, her veil draped over her face. Even with the veil hiding her, I can still tell she looks absolutely amazing. She always does, of course, but this is a day I've imagined repeatedly, and she looks even more stunning than I could've ever dreamed. The closer she gets, the more nervous I get. My foot taps unconsciously, my fingers fiddling in front of me. She looks at me, smiling before she kisses her father on the cheek, taking her place up on the alter. Her veil is lifted, and I can feel tears pricking my eyes. She's definitely more gorgeous than I could've ever dreamed of. She's perfect.

I remember the first time I saw her. We were just kids, and she sat in my table group, and I would always tug on her hair or tease her. Whenever I did something to her she'd do something right back, and that set they basis of our relationship. For years we teased each other back and forth, and the older we got, I realized my feelings for her. She would always tell me about what she wanted her wedding to be like, and I always promised her I'd make it happen. Even though I knew I loved her, I was always too nervous to tell her. It wasn't until we were 16 that I finally kissed her, and it was the best day of my life. After that happened, we talked about where we stood, our relationship, and how things would play out from then on. A few weeks later I introduced her to my other friends, and she got along with them really well. Maybe if I didn't introduce them, it would've been me standing on that alter with her.

The day after we kissed she came over to my house, sat down on my bed like any other day after school, but she seemed tense, a bit awkward. "Jimin..." She speaks softly, looking down at my floor, and I start to worry. "About last night, I-I don't think it should've happened." Her words are like a knife through my chest. "I'm sorry, but I really don't feel anything romantic towards you. You're my friend. My best friend. I still want to be your best friend." Another knife. I really don't feel anything romantic towards you. The words ring through my ears over and over. All I can do is smile and nod. "Alright then, best friend. No worries." I laugh, and she smiles. "This isn't gonna make things weird between us?" She asks nervously. "Nah, it's all good. I don't want things to be weird between us." I wave my hand, doing a damn good job at hiding my broken heart. "Oh that's great!" She jumps up, running over to hug me, as she's done many times.

Weeks later we were still hanging out after school, like nothing ever happened. I introduced her to some more of my friends, and we all went to hang out at a park, and from the moment she waved at everyone, Namjoon going the extra mile to get up and shake her hand, I knew I was screwed. The more we hung out the closer those two got, his love for literature and music, his morals and ideals and philosophies matching hers. The whole time, all I could do was stand by. Whenever I wanted to say something, do something to show she should be with me and not him, I couldn't. They're perfect for each other, and who am I to try and stop their happiness?

Somehow I managed to stay composed through the whole service, even smiling and patting Namjoon on the back after they kiss. I have to keep it together until I go home. Please, at least until I get home. Everyone goes straight from the service to the reception, the venue being nearby. The happy couple takes a car while the rest of the wedding party splits up between two vans, bridesmaids in one and groomsmen in the other. When we're finally in the confines of the van, a collective sigh spills from our mouths, and I lean forward, my head in my hands. "You did a great job, Jimin." Jin reaches up, patting my back. A round of agreeing hums sounds through the car, and I sniffle while nodding.

"I can't do this right now. I just need to suck it up." I nod, wiping away any tears that escaped. The van pulls up to the venue, and I hope my eyes aren't red. I don't want Y/N to see me sad. We all get out, Going inside and taking our seats at the large table. It takes about 20 minutes for everyone to gather, taking their assigned seats. I smiled as Namjoon sat down next to me, but on the inside, I was falling apart.

Speech time. One of the many moments I had been dreading since I became the best man. I stand, clearing my throat and tapping my glass, getting everyone's attention. As everyone quiets down, all eyes on me, I feel on the verge of breaking again. Its hard, but I keep my cool, smiling out at the crowd. Guess it's go time.

"Hello everyone. For those of you that don't know me, I'm Park Jimin. Now, I've been friends with Y/N and Namjoon for a really long time. I was actually the one that introduced Y/N to Namjoon. Um, I didn't actually write anything for this, I figured I'd just wing it. Let's hope it goes well." I smile, and everyone laughs. "I don't really have much to say, um, I could tell some funny stories about each of them, God knows I have so much dirt. But, I won't do that. As I look around the room, and saw the service, I can tell you personally that this is absolutely Y/N's dream wedding. Trust me, she told me for years every little detail of what she wanted. Everything looks perfect, and she truly deserves it. Namjoon and Y/N, I knew from the moment I introduced you that you guys were perfect for each other, and I'm really glad you guys are happy. You both are amazing people that deserve only the best. I know it's short, but like I said, probably should've prepared something. I don't think it really takes much to get my point across though. These two are amazing together, and I hope you guys have an amazing future together."

Everyone claps, Namjoon hugging me as Y/N smiles at me. I take my seat, and all the other speeches are done. Mine probably sucked the most, but at this point, I don't really care. I'm just glad it's over with. After the speeches everyone eats and mingles, the music starts to play, everyone hitting the dance floor. The main dances take place, then everyone starts to dance together. Even though dancing is my passion, I decide to stand to he side, watching Y/N as Namjoon spins her around, holding her close to him. She looks so happy, it puts a smile on my face. All I've ever wanted was for her to be happy, and she is.

After a bit, she notices me, waving me over. I put my hands up, shaking my head, but she comes closer, grabbing my hand and pulling me up. I groan in defeat as I start dancing, her sweet laugh ringing through my ears. She's having so much fun. A slower song comes on, and I get bold, holding my hand out to her. "Namjoon, you mind if I take this dance?" I ask my friend, and he smiles. "Nah man, go ahead. I'm gonna dance with my mom." He smiles, patting me on the back. Y/N takes my hand, and I pull her close, my hand resting on her back.

"So, are you having fun yet?" She asks. "Yeah, I am. It's a great wedding. You guys did an amazing job." I smile at her. She beams, and I'm so glad it's finally because of something I did. "You were there to help a lot. I'm so lucky to have a best friend like you." She chuckles. Best friend. That's right. Even now, as her hand is in mine, holding her close to me, I'm still the best friend. All I can do is nod and smile, focusing on keeping composed. Apparently, it doesn't work. "Jimin? You okay?" She asks softly, rubbing my bicep soothingly. "Of course. Why wouldn't I be?" I smile, hoping it helps. "Chim, I've known you since we were five, I think I can tell when something's bothering you." She scoffs. All I do is nod, not saying anything.

It's takes a few moments, until she speaks again. "Is it because of-" "Y/N." I cut her off before she can say more. "Are you happy? Really happy with Namjoon?" I ask. She nods, looking up at me. "Then that's all that matters. I'm happy you're happy." I smile, rubbing her back. She nods, understanding that I don't want to talk about it anymore. The song ends, and Namjoon comes over. "Jimin, mind if I steal my wife back?" He beams. "Of course. Go ahead. I think I might be heading out soon anyway." I say, patting him on the back. "Wait what?" Y/N asks. "Leaving already?" Namjoon says. I smile at both of them. "Yeah, I'm exhausted. I'll see you guys when you get back from the honeymoon?" I ask. "Yeah. Alright then. Rest up, bud." Namjoon nods, patting my arm. Y/N reaches over, giving me a hug. "Thank you Jimin. For everything." She whispers. I pull back and smile at them before waving. I say goodbye to the guys and then wait outside for my cab. I'll be home soon. Finally.

As soon as I'm safe in my home, I close the door with my back, sighing deeply. I slide down the door, and as my bottom hits the floor, I lose it. I hug my knees to my chest, sobbing loudly. I've kept it together for so long, and everything is gushing out now. I'm glad she's happy, but why couldn't it be with me? I'm a good guy. I could make her happy. I'd treat her like the queen that she is. I'd give here everything she's ever wanted and everything she deserves. My body shakes as I sob. I'll never have a chance. I just hope Namjoon treats her right. He's a good guy, so I hope he keeps her safe and happy. I'm glad she's happy.

[fourfallouts]

Fallout asks! 🧬🫂😘🎢

🧬: ..the Institute?

i don't think i'm going to break any new ground here by saying fuck these guys. they are so content in their nigh-literal ivory tower while they condemn the wasteland and its people to rot because who needs to actually care about other people right? who needs to care about the people we're replacing with our robot slaves. and who needs to care about our robot slaves who, by the way, we programmed to have free will and then took it away from them anyway.

but i do issue the evacuation order though. i'm not sinking to their level.

🫂: Favorite companion from any game

ed-e, actually. there's just something about eyebot friend that you don't really get from a person or even dogmeat. granted i've been going around with dogmeat on mal's file for pretty much the whole game (barring when i was doing automatron with ada, and getting certain affinities up for certain perks) and he's definitely a lot better than people give him credit for. but robot friend!! i love robot friend. and ed-e is shaped like a friend too.

😘: Favored romance in Fallout 4

would you believe i don't actually have one? this is because ada can't be romanced it's not that there's anything inherently wrong with piper cait or curie i just actually have other ships with them lmao. (if you scroll far enough through my blog you can see some screenshots of such)

also men obviously not included in the ranking on account of the whole lesbian thing

🎢: ..the Nuka-World raiders?

i actually love the raiders both from a gameplay standpoint and a story standpoint. the raider settlement building is honestly better than regular settlement building, for many reasons that i don't want to necessarily write a whole essay about (or maybe a top 5 ranked list?) but it's just good. it just works. and from a story standpoint i just like the option to like, be raiders. cause you don't really get the option to be raiders in the base game even if you're shooting at civilians. also i like that the gangs all have a theme, because the base game raiders are just. wasteland people but they shoot you. but the nuka gangs have something interesting going. but also the operators are just capitalists and brother im about to unionize

and bonus because you asked in dms,

🔪: Favorite weapon type

honestly on my first playthrough (with delilah) i fell in love with automatic weapons. the versatility that it affords you where you can switch between pistols and rifles based on the situation rather than being confined to the one weapon type you're taking perks for is great, the lower damage output can be offset by just taking the perk to begin with, and i literally three shot the nukalurk queen with the problem solver by just holding down the fire button. need i say more

it got to the point where even on mal's file, which is a gunslinger based vats build, i carry around an automatic explosive combat shotgun Just In Case. and it's really good at taking out big bullet-sponge things. granted most of that damage is probably from the explosive rather than the automatic, but the principle of "hold down button to kill thing" is the same :P

[taboo-truths]

Yummy: Justin Bieber VS Julian Assange.

Not gonna lie... I'm pissed-off. Justin Bieber's Seasons trailer has raked-in 1.9 million views in roughly 10 hours. That's 1.9 million people who's immediately clicked to hear the woes of what it is to be a multi-millionaire Pop Star that'd become a "shell of himself" and how "no-one's ever grown-up, in the history of humanity, like Justin Bieber."

Now, before the self-described "beliebers" defensively jump down my throat-- the very same people that drove Bieber crazy by turning a 13-year-old boy into a God in the first place--realize I'm not picking on Justin Bieber. In many ways, I'm an ally of Bieber's in realizing the cultural retardation we exhibit in diefying a fellow human being who's greatest contribution to humanity has been a list of R&B hits with titles like "Yummy".

We're citizen sovereigns begging for Kings and Queens, even if they're just Pop Stars. Think about that.

Nah. I'm not pissed-off at Justin Bieber. I am pissed-off at the fact that 1.9 million people will tune-in to a COMMERCIAL, when not even a scrap of that amount will tune-in to hear about the systematic torture and false imprisonment of a journalist that has revealed war crimes.

As I write these words, there's a widespread and full-scale assault on journalism and journalists. Julian Assange is literally rotting in a maximum security prison on NO charge in a so-called "free" and "democratic" country, yet so many of us are so far up Justin Bieber's "Yummy" ass that we do not see the not-so-dreamy reality that free press and free speech are being attacked.

So, Yeah. I got a bit of a problem with that.

This corrupt and tyrannical system USES people, like Justin Bieber, to draw focused attention away from things that truly matter and impact our lives. Meanwhile, to not stand-up for Julian Assange is to not stand-up for oneself in a battle for free press and free speech that many don't even realize has began.

The late and great John Lennon would've had a concert for Julian Assange, much like Pink Floyd's Roger Waters has done, in front of Britain's Belmarsh prison. There was a time when great artists used their power wisely, because they knew how they could be used as a distraction from things that really mattered.

There was a time when Pop and Rock Stars refused to allow themselves to be used in that way, and instead brought attention to important issues. Now, Pop Stars just wear the "War is Over" t-shirt, rub their crotch in some freedom anthem (Miley Cyrus), and totally ignore a journalist being tortured in a maximum security prison.

Latest reports have indicated Assange is being drugged as a once articulate man now struggles to find his words. He's barely allowed visitors and/or phone calls and remains locked-down in solitairy confinement while his largely harrassed family BEGS for help.

From September, 2010 to this very day, on the eve of 2020, Assange's entire case has been a total rape of justice. It's 7 minutes till midnight on New Year's Eve, and I'm choosing to write about this while I still have a freedom that's dying. This is my New Year's resolution... fight for what's right before what's right totally disappears in an Orwellian fog created by Big Brother lovers.

We wonder why we've been in 18 years of wars on lies? Could it possibly be because WE, the people, have lost our minds in what's "Yummy" vs what actually matters?

Here's the deal... I'm really not picking on Justin Bieber as my heart does go out to the guy. We live in a society of navigated focus which, through no fault of his, constant focus is directed upon him and stars like him. This mechanism robs the music from the artist and makes the artist the focus. That could drive the best of us insane and become extremely depressing. No-one wants to live in a fish bowl... not even fish.

How does a 13-year-old boy even begin to comprehend a world driven to idolize him so much so that whatever potato chips he chose to eat was more significant to millions of people than far more newsworthy and disastrous events that we have the power to change if we would just come into our own power?

It's not Justin Bieber that's fucked-up. It's us. We are! We throw all our energy and power into what shoes, what clothes, what hairstyle, and what love does Justin Bieber (or the like) have? It's marketing on top of marketing on top of marketing, and young guys, like Bieber, who don't know any better and just want to build a life doing something they love become the tool of this system to sell the people and distract us from our power. Bieber doesn't know that. I think he's learning and growing and slowly figuring that out.

Like John Lennon, who reached the height of success as Beatle, Bieber realized it's all hollow. You got the money. You got the fame and the fans. You got the beautiful girlfriend (wife in John Lennon's case), you've done everything this system says you need to do to be successful and it says, "Success is happiness!" But ya get there, and ya realize it's superficial...it's nothing.

And then, ya think there's something wrong with you for not being happy when ya have it all. After all, you've done it! You've checked all the marks this system gives us to be successful. So something has to be wrong with you cause you're not happy when you should be.

I get that, ya know? So, I don't blame Bieber so much as I'm using him as an example of how we've all gone astray from what matters. Millions of innocent people are dying and have died in wars on lies, and the American people are supposed to be the government.

But we govern nothing for reasons of getting lost in Justin Bieber as if he's our favorite character in a movie. He's a human being with a real life just trying to figure it out. And we need to be focused on our lives and our responsibilities as the governing body of these United States.

We can't govern anything, if we don't have a free press and free speech. We can't govern what we don't even know is happening. This is what makes what's happening to Julian Assange so critical. He told us about war crimes that we were meant to hold our elected representation to account for committing in our names, with the lives of our sons and daughters, and our money.

But this system diverts our attention away from that. It makes it boring. It drowns it out and censors it, then props up flashy drama of no-drama on Instagram between Hailey Bieber and Selena Gomez. Ultimately, that shit is none of our business, and maybe that was the problem with Justin and Selena in the first place... we all knew a little too much in a "story" that wasn't ours to write in our team "Jelena" sport made of real lives.

We have to stop allowing this system to distract us from what's important. Lives are being lost. Journalism is dying in a maximum security prison while we all anxiously await some "Yummy" seasons. I'm not telling ya to tune-out Justin Bieber. I'm pleading with you to tune-in to Julian Assange and your own rights to know, lead, and govern. I'm begging you to come into your personal empowerment to affect positive change.