#maybe if or when i move to brisbane i can look into a different job. do an it course idk. something where there's less people skills needed

[summerlycoris]

Guess whos potentially working a triple tomorrow?????????

Im going to transform into my final form if this shit keeps up i swear to god.

[faithfromanewperspective]

these are a few of my favorite things (unfortunately not raindrops on roses and brown paper whatevers)

thanks to @thevagabondexpress and @ibrushmyteeth-donttellanyone (if i remember correctly) for the tag!

movie: i don't know. i don't really watch movies much. last one that made me feel something and still inspires what i do today is hacksaw ridge (saw it last 6 years ago and have to admit this may be Romantic Secondhand Appreciation but. i still think of it when i fight climate change. so it stays)

character: no character exists in a vacuum. i'm nominating all four merry thieves

animal: i know too much ecology to nominate a single one. i love all birds and large herbivorous marsupials as well as echidnas. guinea fowls (current pfp) really do reflect my personality a lot though

drink: smoothies. you can make them as delicious or as gross but healthy as you want. preferably both. no two smoothies are ever the same but rarely is a smoothie bad, they eliminate all the inconsistencies of fruit by simply pooling the sample pool together and averaging it out.

song: technically 2 songs but they're one track on the album so: has to go to outer space/carry on by 5 seconds of summer. creates such an atmosphere that goes perfectly with the story it tells, is terribly nostalgic, and ends in such an optimistic and encouraging way. tells of open ocean (did i once help design a space city with this inspo?) and the loneliness that's as if you're in space, longing for rain (i love rain okay you will see me in a raincoat taking photos of everything because it looks cooler when wet) just to feel something. longing for lost love. and the fact that through anything you can go on and life keeps going and you can survive it all but the way the (double) song sets it up you feel like you've gone on an adventure by the time you get there.

season: i love autumn and spring in equal measure for different reasons. i love brisbane winters when i don't have a 9-5 job but i also love sydney summers.

book: once you see it: 7 temptations of the western church by jeff christopherson. answering @tleeaves question from a while back (finally), have you done one of these? fully fangirled hard enough to message the author on facebook, we're somewhat friends now. but it tells the story of a bunch of different people from different backgrounds and uses narrative to drive its points, ending with them making something (i could talk about it for hours) that i long to emulate. while moving through organisations that embody these 7 temptations/mistakes and fail because of it, except they look exactly like the churches we know and yes. this is why they are failing in many ways if we just open our eyes to it we can do much better.

color: purple of some kind. maybe a darker purple?

hobby: all the things i do that connect me with nature and other people. from building recycled things for a purpose to taking care of birds to arranging poppunkrock songs for my viola and whoever else i play with to analysing the way fictional characters interact and applying it with real life people to canyoning (google it, it's incredibly fun) and hiking and rock climbing and of course designing civilisations for humans as well as other species

tagging (only if you want to of course): @completeanduttermess and @failempires and @what-ho-christopher-put-in

[coolasakuhncumber]

2023 in review

This has been harder than expected to pull together. I know social media is the 'glossy' version of everyone's life but in the last couple of days of the year, in the seeing of people posting about buying houses and getting married and having babies, I feel lost. I feel a great sense of emptiness. A year ago I had a sense of what 2023 would look like and what my future beyond that may be and now I don't. I feel like I'm just holding space. I need more novelty and difference in my life to separate the days from blurring into each other.

Work I started a new job I was excited about. I learnt pretty quickly that implementation is maybe not quite where I want to be, I'd rather be doing the strategic influencing work. Big reform work. I suspected this already, but it was good to have it confirmed. I liked the work travel though. The going to Brisbane and Cairns and Sydney and getting out of the national office, getting a bit more perspective.

I moved to the role to follow a senior manager and that senior manager left 5 months into me being there. Two weeks later I was approached to go back to my previous work area and they committed to meeting the requests I had. I worked two jobs for a month and a half and that was HARD. Do not recommend. It's good to be back in this policy area (for the third time!!!) and working with the manager I have. I've had some really great opportunities to step up take the lead and have senior people see what I've done. The Melbourne trip was a highlight, despite the associated difficulties.

I managed a couple of underperformers this year and was forced to grow as a manager to address the issues. I learnt that the attitude of my staff really matters, and it's ok to have the expectations I have and that I'm actually a pretty good and empathetic manager. I dealt with a situation that looked like underperformance and had a strong element of fraud to it. What a time. Not.

I showed signs of burnout for a large portion of the year. It's not ok.

Travel I meant to do Perth -> Broome this year but it fell apart and I instead spent a week in Perth, a few days in Canberra with my friend who was recovering from knee surgery, a long weekend down the south coast, a few days in Cairns, and a few days in Sydney for my step-brother's wedding. It was all good, though if I were to do it again, I'd spend less time in transit and more time in one place.

Referendum Australia had its first Referendum this century, calling for an Indigenous Voice to Parliament to be enshrined in the constitution. It failed and I am still smad about it. I don't know yet how to not be angry about the misinformation and disinformation that was spread through the 'No' campaign. I truly believe Peter Dutton and other significant figures of the no campaign have blood on their hands.

I started getting undercuts as a dopamine hit to lift me out of my feelings.

Health I'm pretty damn sick hey. I need heart surgery but my lungs are too bad to allow it so we're just hanging out deteriorating. Some days are just really tough. But I did start a new medication that has helped me breathe just a little bit better and we're all holding out hope I'll continue to improve. I'm going to do what I can to improve my lungs and yeah, I might not live to be 80, 70, 60, 50, 40, but God has a plan for me and I can rest easy in that knowledge.

Relationships The thing that has probably changed the most in the last year is that Duc and I are no longer together. We haven't been since late Jan. We had talked about getting engaged in 2023, getting married not too long after. I was thinking of buying an investment property with the thought that he could live in it for a bit, then it would become a shared asset when we were committed for life.

Instead, we're no longer together. We haven't been together for a while. It's absolutely the right thing for us to not be together but man did I get used to regular companionship the almost 4 years we were a thing.

Dating sucks. Trying to date as a woman in your early 30s with a visible disability really sucks. My friends and family are fantastic and fill so many of my social and emotional needs that I'm feeling a strong sense of why bother? The desire for domesticity with one I love is why.

Jay

I love Jay. I think I have loved him for years and I let myself love him this year. I know we're not end game. I will need to let go at some point but I remain not yet ready to.

Whiskey Club

This remains one of my favourite friendship things. It's Paul and I. We eat fried chicken, drink whiskey, and talk about our feelings. It's the best. It's a form of therapy, though I sometimes suspect a professional would be good.

Disability

I have become more 'disabled' over the last couple of years and it really became more pronounced over the last 12 months. I feel limited in my life in many ways. I can't travel internationally at the moment, pending how things go I might not be able to again.

Some days I just can't breathe. When things were bad there were weeks of impromptu crying because this body sucks. Sometimes it feels like things can only go downhill from here. I don't like that. I resent it, even.

This year I became the Co-chair of my workplace's Disability Network and I've been taking action to improve policy and procedures for staff living with disability. I've been on panels, talking about some of my experiences. But I'm not 'disability proud'. If I could not have this particular set of challenges based on genetic markers, I would choose that every single time.

There's probably more work I need to do on myself here.

Some good

I did say 2023 would be the year of natural fibres and I did predominantly wear less polyester and more linen. I bought a few more dresses and I do really love the collection I have now.

2024

This year I want to continue growing. My housemate is looking to purchase property and move out with their partner and I really don't know how I'll go living alone.

I'd like to maybe go on a nice date or two? Maybe?

I want to be stronger with my boundaries.

My Mum is going to start working with me and that's equal parts exciting and worrying. I want it to work and not impact the good dynamic we have in a negative way.

Bring it on hey.

[thejosh1980]

Live Alive...

So much to write, so little time...I'll try to keep it short and focused.

Life has changed a lot here in northern New South Wales recently, but first, lets talk about the music...

It's just over 5 weeks since I performed my first live show after a 13 month break. I was a little concerned I couldn't pull off a show in my usual fashion, however I think in the end, every one, including me, was satisfied.

It is true, it's just like riding a bike...

Once I stepped up on stage to do my job, which is to put on the best show I could, I felt comfortable. I really enjoyed the moment, and didn't feel nervous or anxiety.

I met the drummer only minutes before we jumped on stage, it reminded me of the first show with Eddy and the Backfires in mid 2008 in Bottrop. I met Eddy and then bam, on stage to play a show together... We continued to play together for another 5 years. Sometimes I watch the video (on youtube) and smile when I see Eddy's face light up from the get go, much like the singer 5 weeks ago. I was the right guy for the job, I knew what I was doing.

I've gotten used to that though, learning songs off a CD then playing without a band rehearsal, and usually it works well... One doesn't really learn the songs until they're played live anyhow, right? The groove and feeling is always little different once the energy of a live show kicks in.

I try to slip into the band's sound and style... Learning on the spot who to follow and figure out what's going to happen next. Sometimes that means I'm not fully concentrating on the crowd, and maybe even looking a little confused at the band, but it's the lead singer's job to work the crowd, my job is to support them in their work, and I can't do that if I'm trying to impress the girls in the front row instead of listening and watching the band.

There were quite a few restrictions in place in Australia in July, so festival attendee numbers were down. Only Queensland folks and a few New South Wales folks could join. Usually the much larger crowd is a mix from all over Australia. I did meet up with some old friends, and made a few new ones. Reminding me that not only do I love playing music, but I do enjoy the social aspect of being a musician, that is whenever my anxiety levels are manageable. It's also sweet that no matter how long I've been away, folks come and say hi, and we talk like no time has passed.

This show was meant to be the beginning of returning to regular live shows, the band are very interested in having me play with them in the future and gigs were (very) slowly coming in...

However, everything changed the next morning...

With the high of a fun show, I woke to my cousin offering me eggs and bacon for breaky, I said “hells yeah!”... I had decided I wanted to attend the festival that afternoon before driving home that evening, to catch up with more friends and see some of the bands I had only been hearing about while living in Europe.

The 10am news came on “South East Queensland Lockdown Begins at 4pm” ! Well there goes my plans for visiting the festival!! I had to freshen up, eat, pack up and head south and cross the border post haste. I didn't want to be stuck in QLD, or in traffic!

Some folks had tested positive near Brisbane, and the festival was in one of the areas of concern. The festival promoter had to cancel 1.5 days into a 3 day rockabilly weekender.

Once I crossed the border back into NSW I found out I had to isolate at home... Apparently they back dated the restrictions for returning residents.

Lucky us!

So, I had a week at home to isolate. I decided to get tested, it was a negative result. What else do you expect?

The situation at the time, wasn't too bad, but a pain in the butt. I had to isolate for a week or two, and then I'd be free in NSW to hang out.

Luckily our classes went online too... Another challenge to contend with... Online classes are a necessity these days, but it took a few weeks for me to get used to 'em... To settle into the new routine.

Anyhow, so there I am isolating at home... A week later, on Sunday evening, I am released from isolation as the QLD situation is under control and NSW ease their rules. Earlier than expected, winner winner chicken dinner!

But then... The very next day, Monday evening, the whole of NSW is thrown into lockdown because of Sydney's high case numbers and some regional cases coming to light.

It's 5 weeks after the show, and I have been in either home isolation or restrictions or code red type lockdowns (or whatever you want to call it) for 99.9% of the time...

Good times...

I'm not bagging the rules, I know they're there to help. It's OK, it is what it is... I can call friends and family, I can exercise and, I can play the guitar. What more could I ask for? - Probably a lot more, but I digress.

I have learnt to become adaptable... It's not uncommon for me to feel frustrated at change, but eventually I come around to it.

Now back to music...

The NSW lockdown does affect the band too, 2 band members live south of the border in NSW and 2 live north in QLD, which has few restrictions...

Can we even get together to play? Are shows being booked? If we play a show on either side of the border, do we have to self isolate afterwards? It's a bit like living in 2 seperate countries at the moment, each with its own rules.

Leading up to the show, I hadn't done any live streams, I hadn't worked on music production or songwriting, however I was looking forward to the show. I wasn't really thinking too much about about the future... I've been concentrating a lot on my studies (which is another blog for another day)...

A week after the show I was a little put off by the isolation and restrictions, however now I am starting to take small steps to get back into playing for myself. What I mean is, I have worked on some song production, song marketing, song writing and even looking into working with musicians to put my own band together!!

How cool is that? To me, that is very cool...

Now the small steps mean I have also been co-writing with a friend, starting to put more of my music online (like Bandcamp... coming soon!) and thinking how I can start over again... Cause that's what this is really about...

While I do have a band who hires me to play their music (which I enjoy and am grateful for, whenever we'll actually be able to play together) I really need to start on my own music career. That is a big step! So time to break it down into smaller steps...

When I first moved back home, I had a few offers to jam with old friends, and didn't take them up on it. I didn't feel like playing. Maybe it was a bit of depression, or something, but I just wasn't excited about it...There had been a lot happening in 2020, on top of leaving Europe and integrating back into Australian life, well, I guess it was a bit too much for me at the time.

In the past few weeks I've started contacting folks to get together, once the restrictions have eased, and I am really looking forward to swappin' riffs, ideas and jammin' with friends old and new!

It was a small thing, to say yes to that show in July... Really, it was just a word “yes”... but that decision has lit a fire... the spark is burning... and I don't quite know where it's going to take me, but even the pandemic blues hasn't gotten me down this month like it has done in the past...

Cause now I got something to work towards...

I wanna work with musicians, in person or online... I wanna write songs again... I wanna play a live show with others, their music or mine... I wanna release my solo album (eventually) and I wanna express myself as I once did with the 6 string in the past...

Are you comin' along for the ride??

Thanks for reading,

The Josh

[versary]

i am talking about food again sorry

it really astonishes me that i only have to eat a little bit less than what i normally eat for me to lose my absolute shit and start old behaviour patterns again. i mean really only a tiny bit less than usual. i guess i’ve been unconsciously restricting these last few weeks - sidebar: when i’m out of my usual routine i am really bad at making sure i eat enough food, and when i’m in an unfamiliar environment and/or don’t feel comfortable getting food/am unsure how/where to get food i’m even worse, so brisbane was okay because it was my house with my family and i’m very comfortable and safe there, but when i was in apollo bay there wasn’t much in the way of actual food in the house (lots of crackers and cheese but, like, no protein sources) and i’m unfamiliar with the place and like the protocols of the family (e.g. i didn’t really feel like i could go and buy my own food? but that’s me being weird rather than being actively discouraged from buying food by others), SO ANYWAY i really wasn’t eating enough and then my routine got out and then when i got back to canberra i didn’t automatically go back to how i would normally eat et cetera - which means that i’ve started unconsciously wanting to restrict more and paying a lot more attention to how my body looks. and that’s what really clued me in - i couldn’t figure out why i was feeling so off; i was spending way more time fixating on what i looked like and just generally hating my body and i’ve worked hard over the last few years to be body neutral and to see myself as a whole so i knew that something was wrong for me to regress that much.

it’s easy to fix; i’m good at fixing it now. i just have to be a little more conscious around grocery shopping and making sure i have enough food in the house for meals plus snacks, and giving myself time to make proper meals, especially breakfast; i’ve been pretty slack in the mornings recently. that’s all fine. i’m not worried there.

what’s kind of scaring me is how easy it was to just slip back into old habits. i always say that i would never relapse because i’ve seen how good life is and i’m not willing to give that up, but it made me realise it’s not a hundred percent in my conscious control. for better or for worse (for worse) this eating disorder is part of me and could very well be something i have to manage for the rest of my life. when i started to think of myself as in remission i pictured my anorexia as a volcano: it wasn’t active, but it was dormant, and i shouldn’t think of it as as extinct because even though it might never erupt again, the possibility is real so i should live accordingly. that doesn’t mean that i should view every experience through the lens of anorexia because you do have to move on (i believe that dwelling on it makes it worse, so i’ve worked on not thinking about it constantly) but it does mean that at the moment i still need to consciously pay attention to my food. i still need to make food and eating enough my number one priority because i am not in a place yet where i can be totally ~~intuitive about eating. maybe i never will be. that’s fine. i’m prepared for this to be something i have to spend the rest of my life working with and managing. it’s been about four years since my last psych appointment and i’ve spent that time getting better and better at spotting things i have to work on and then doing the work. i’m not afraid of the work; i’m in this for the long haul because i have to be. what i’m afraid of was how it took one week for me to get a little out of routine to then spend the following two weeks doing weird shit because i wasn’t eating enough.

i’m not going to always be here in my lil apartment in canberra where i know everything that’s going to happen today. there are going to be periods of my life where things change. i’m probably going to move house a bunch more times, maybe even move to different cities. i’m going to start and end jobs, i’m going to start and end relationships. i’m going to experience grief and change and upheaval. if i can’t keep my eating in check enough in those big difficult times then it’s going to make them so much harder to get through. to do that i have to make sure it’s in control during the normal times. if i go away for a week i still have to make sure i’m eating enough, and that might mean making myself slightly uncomfortable and awkward around people i might not know very well. i still have to practice being okay.

but, like, god, there’s literally nothing i hate more than being so preoccupied with hating myself and my body i can’t do anything else. extremely unpleasant. i did not enjoy doing that this week at all!!! i definitely did not want to bring that into 2020 with me!

[collecting-stories]

Brisbane | Arthur Shelby

Hi, I was wonder if I could please request an imagine with Arthur Shelby. My father passed away 5 years ago and it would nice to read something about a girl whose father passed and she hasn't quite been able to get over the depression/mourning of it, although she has made progress. Because of this, she has trust issues letting someone in romantically, but she desperately wants to. 

Brisbane | Arthur Shelby

In the early days before the war your family had fallen on hard times and your father, always too prideful to accept help, sought supplemental employment with the Shelby Brothers. The business Tommy was running then was young in its life, barely an idea that was nearly snuffed out because of the war. When drafts happened throughout the country all three of the eldest Shelbys joined and most of the men who had been helping to get their business off the ground went with them. Your father included. You urged him not to go and a series of arguments concluded with one tearful goodbye as you saw him off on the train. 

A reality of war was simply that some people did not come back from it. And others, who did, came back different. Your father had been injured in the war, unable now to support his family or do little that required him to leave the house. He was sick and that sickness spread into infection that reached his heart before any of your family knew what was happening. Before he passed the Shelbys had been kind enough to offer you a job with their growing business endeavors, to honor your father and help in whatever way they could. You accepted the offer and when your father’s illness finally took him it was the Shelbys that arranged his funeral.  

Or one Shelby in particular. Everyone said Arthur was in charge because he was the oldest but nobody actually believed it. An unspoken fact of the Shelby business was that Tommy was in charge of all decisions. Despite this fact it was Arthur who gave your father a job, who gave you a job, and who saw to it that your father’s funeral was taken care of. He’d been sweet to you, even before the war and your father’s employment. Your mother had teased that he had his eye on you and maybe he had, or maybe he still did, but England had changed quite drastically after the Great War and there were no better examples of that then you and Arthur.  

“Morning,” you greeted Tommy as you entered the kitchen of the Shelby household. The middle brother was sitting at the table with a cup of tea reading over the paper.  

“Morning,” he nodded, not lifting his eyes from the article he was working on, “tea?” though he made no move to get it for you and it was clear that he intended to have you pour yourself some if you wanted it.

“Thank you.” you gathered a tea cup from the cupboard and went to make yourself a brew. “Where’s Arthur? I suspected to see him coming in when I did.”

Tommy hummed, “sure he’ll be here soon. He likes to make me wait on business days.”

“Aren’t all days business days?”

“My point exactly.” Tommy leveled, glancing a you for just a moment.  

The front door opened and then slammed shut again, the sound of quick footfalls in the hallway indicating the arrival of the eldest brother. Arthur came into the kitchen with the same eager smile masking his face as always.  

“Morning.” His voice was louder than need be so early in the morning and you had to wonder sometimes if he never felt the effects of the alcohol he consumed, he was certainly never drowsy or ill after a night at the Garrison.  

“Arthur,” you greeted. His eyes met yours and he smiled, the warmth of it taking hold of your heart, “tea?”

“It got whiskey in it?” Arthur asked, taking the cup from your hands. He didn’t wait for you to tell him as he downed the brew in one long gulp.

“Unfortunately no, I’m afraid I don’t know where you keep it.” You replied. He smiled again before reaching passed you to open the cupboard behind your head. You bit your lip at the close proximity of bodies but said nothing, watching his eyes light upon finding the bottle and studying the freckles that spattered his face.  

You and Arthur were good for a odd sort of flirting. Neither of you would attempt more, as if something was always holding you back. The death of your father, weighing on you like a stone. You had witnessed firsthand the after effects of the war. The fighting had changed him for the months that you had left with him. Though it effected Arthur in a different way, his illness not physical, you knew that this enterprise he was creating with his brothers would lead to a different sort of war. Being on the outskirts of that was alright but you couldn’t allow yourself to become part of it.  

“Here it is!” Arthur held the bottle in front of your face and you took it from him. “One cup Arthur, than you have work.”

“Yes ma’am.” He replied, winking at you as you poured the liquor into his empty cup.  

“Family meeting Arthur,” Tommy announced, standing up as John walked into the room. He nodded to his younger brother to go into the betting shop before looking at Arthur once more.

“Be right in.” He called, still watching you as he made a show of sipping on his whiskey, “just got to finish this cup.

Tommy sighed and glanced at you, “hurry him up will you?”  

“Of course Mr. Shelby.” You nodded.  

Once Tommy was out of the kitchen Arthur grinned at you, as if it had been his plan all along to get you alone with him. “I was thinking a trip to the Garrison tonight should be in order.”  

“That’s what you do every night Arthur.”  

“A different sort of trip then, what do you say you and I go to the Garrison, private room to ourselves?” He asked, his arm resting across your shoulders to pull you just a bit closer to him.  

“I don’t think it’s such a good idea.” You replied. Arthur asked you out sporadically. Once to the pictures, once to the theatre, a few times to the Garrison, but you always declined. And then things always went back to the way that they were. You always told yourself you just weren’t ready to commit to someone but you knew that you just weren’t ready to let someone else be important in your life again.  

“Well, I’ll get into the meeting then, don’t want to keep Tommy waiting.” Arthur replied, letting go of you and laying his tea cup on the kitchen table before walking through the double doors. Once he was gone you cleaned up his and Tommy’s teacups and put away the bottle of whiskey.  

The rest of the day went by without trouble until a few hours after supper. You were already home by then, sitting by the fire in the small rowhome that you shared with your mother while she worked on mending a few articles of clothing. She’d found work as a seamstress after your father passed and she always seemed to bring the work home with her. It kept her mind occupied and provided a supplemental income.  

It was at this time in the evening that the youngest of the brothers, Finn, knocked on your door. You were surprised to see him, assuming something wasn’t right with the books you’d balanced if they were calling you back at this time.  

“It’s Arthur,” Finn replied, not waiting to build suspense like his brothers sometimes liked to, “that new copper got a hold of him.”

“Is he alright?” you asked, already pulling your coat on. You felt like your heart was hammering against your ribcage, all the fear that had taken hold of you that first day after your father returned home from the war amplified as you followed Finn down the road.  

“He’s in a bad way, Ada’s patched him up best she knows how but Tommy wanted you to take a look, said you’ve got some training in the matter.”

“Not much more than Ada though I did get my certificate.” You replied, following Finn as he let you into the house.  

Arthur was in the kitchen, leaning back in one of the chairs with the bottle of whiskey half finished beside him. He was cleaned up for the most part, aside from the blood stains on his shirt and you visibly cringed when you saw them. The bruising on his face was starting and you could see a cut above his eyebrow and a split lip.  

You knew how Arthur felt about you but you had kept yourself closed off to the notion of anything more than a friendship with him. You couldn’t love someone only to lose them again. Your father hadn’t only been stubborn in his lifetime but loving too. The way that he loved your mother and the way that he took care of his family, how he raised you to be the strong woman you are. It was all to do with the way he loved and after that love was gone you were afraid to find it again. Afraid of what it would mean, if you found that and lost it again. But looking at Arthur now you having trouble convincing yourself that you had been successful in keeping yourself away from falling in love.  

“Oh my god, Arthur!”  

“It’s alright, nothing but a scratch.” He promised, voice a bit hoarse.  

“At least we know the alcohol is working.” Tommy commented as he set a cup of tea on the table for you. “I’ll leave you to look at him. I need to see about this new copper.”

“What happened?” You asked, though Finn had given you the base details already. You rested your hand on his cheek and he leaned into your touch.  

“It’s alright.” he repeated, more for your benefit than his own.  

“It’s not, what if they’d kept on? You could...”

“Hey,” Arthur took hold of the hand on his cheek, opening his eyes as much as he could with the swelling on the left side and looked up at you, “I’m gonna be alright. There’s nothing for you to worry about. I’m not opposed to you nursing me back to health but I don’t want to upset you.” He answered honestly.

“I’m not upset.” You lied, shaking your head. Tears were stinging your eyes.  

“Hey, I’m okay, I’m alive.”

“But you might’ve not been. I can’t...I don’t want to lose you, I can’t.” You replied.  

“I’m not going anywhere,” Arthur placed a kiss to your wrist. “I’m here in whatever capacity you want me here in.”

“I don’t know if I’m ready.”  

“That’s alright, we’ve all got ghosts we can’t let go of. I just want you here, you can call the shots after that.” Arthur replied, “we’ll go as slow as you want.”

“Now let me look at that bandage...Ada is far less qualified than I thought.” You replied, tears still in your eyes as you moved to inspect the wound she had wrapped. You leaned forward just the slightest to kiss his cheek, smiling at him when you pulled away. As much as you wanted to push the notion of love away you knew there was little choice you had in the matter. But you and Arthur were equals here, a level playing field born from loss and the after effects of the Great War on both of your lives. And if he was being honest he required just as much patience from you as you required from him.  

I named this Brisbane for the song by Nina Nesbitt (which I’ve linked so you can listen if you’d like)

taglist: @thinkingsofamadwoman @mixedwiththemoon @titty-teetee  @queenmissfit @marvelismylifffe @iluvmesomemarvelndc @danceyreagan @listensweettea @5secondsofjoal @breathlesssouls @kingsmanstories @woeisbutwoe @another-life-addict @my-life-as-a-fangirl  @glopsifum @johhnshelby 

[biarology]

Past’s Future but Today’s Past

Oops, I haven’t written for a while. The last post says “3 years” but I am pretty sure its closer to 4. Imagine all the crap in my head that wasn’t released. That explains a lot.

Before I start my travel blogs here’s a summary of the last 3-4 years:

·       June 2015 – Mental breakdown with the tip of the iceberg being a friendship breakup. Man that hurt, more than romantic relationships. I guess because you don’t expect them to end? I broke my hand. Punched a marble wall in an elevator (crying and alone). I would have been pretty upset if it didn’t break actually, because a marble wall is pretty hard. Embarrassingly, I still couldn’t, and probably can’t punch properly, with the fracture being in the 5th metacarpal. The rest of the iceberg included: over working, over investing emotional energy into work (but how can you not, you’re working with people)(I’m much better an learning not to now), my half-sister was going through a court case against her step father for fucked up shit.

·       July 2015 - went to Bali with my friend for like 2 days lol (with a cast around my arm), because that was booked ages ago. Road tripped down from Darwin to Brisbane with Mum. Long days, long drives, but loved watching the scenery change. Great photos but they’re on Instagram a million scrolls down now. Stayed with my brother and his ex and their dogs and cats for about a month. Mostly in bed.

·       August 2015 – moved back down to Gosford and half lived with my parents there, and sister in Sydney. Got a job. Moved to Sydney in about October although work was contract and started on very low hours (~4). So I lost my $17g in savings towards someone else’s mortgage because independence is important to me.

·       Throughout Sydney time:

-          I got to know sister and sister in law better, they looked after me insanely. And gave me a cat, Dot. Who I love. And miss.  And then my twin moved back and away again but that was the best. Got to work with parents better.  Rekindled friendships, strengthened friendships, and made new ones. There’s too many of them but they know who they are. they are amazing, and again I don’t know what I’d do without them. Visited Grandam more (so hard to leave). I contracted for a total of 5 companies. And learnt boundaries and “my worth.” One company I’m still working for because they’re amazing and the boss has somehow managed to instil all my own values into the culture of his company. I also life modelled a fair bit. Went to Thailand for 5 days and NZ for 5 days plus some other roadtrips around Aus. Brother was pretty scarily low but now he seems good.

-          Saw a psych for a year or 2. Had panic attacks. Exercise is awesome etc.

-          I have(had...still weird to say) a boyfriend. For a year. He was good. I learnt how to be vulnerable and trust romantically, I learnt more about my needs and boundaries (lots of boundary learning over the last few years – professional/personal). He also taught me how to cook better (well the idea of cooking better not sure if I have practised it that much), and he always tried/s to enjoy enjoyable things, which sometimes I’m not very good at because my mind is probably stressed about something else. We lived together for 6 months. He now has my cat. I’m so glad they have each other and I miss them. Everything has felt so surreal since I actually decided I need to leave. I needed to leave because travel has been on my to-do-list, and work visas have age limits and my age is limited, so Im actually pushing it. Plus, I was just not coping there. We had different goals (travel vs settle), and some different values.  I’d had my mind set on leaving after my sister’s wedding and though I tried to push it back, I couldn’t. And maybe that made me more focused on the negative? Anyway, needed to travel and that’s what I’m doing.

I think that’s most of the 3.5 years summarised. Hhhmmm 3.5 years in 519 words :/

Awww I had some points for the future in my long last post. And now it is the future. Cute.   To conclude I’ll just address comments in that post, sentence by sentence:

-          Still have lots of love

-          Don’t really like myself at the moment though tbh

-          I no longer try to beat box, I forgot that I was doing that

-          I stopped listening to podcasts while driving in July 2017 because I realised it was contributing to my stress and fatigue – as I was never resting, always on the go

-          Body composition even worse now, wish I had what it was then lolz

-          Face/acne – improved once I went on the pill, came back when I stopped repeat etc. Didn’t come back once I ceased/decreased gluten/dairy

-          So was single for 54 months, and felt the same most of that time – content alone, occasionally lonely. Single again now, apparently.

-          Anxiety and depression. Always there. Quit the degree though so no more assignments, though that stress enjoyed report writing

-          Oh man did depression and PMS symptoms improve with diet and exercise! So much! I get cramps and nipple tenderness PMS, IF my lifestyle is shit, when its not, I don’t know theyre coming (have to rely no app haha)

-          Past/regret – still don’t regret things, as I look at everything as teachings. Though I regret eating so much chocolate

-          Future! I have not done WA. I am in Asia right now!! But haven’t organised any volunteering yet. Also not sure when/where/what, I currently need a break from helping people ( a bit drained from Sydney work)(I need to fix that Boom/Bust pattern of work and crash…). Don’t know about hiking at the moment I’m pretty unfit. Haven’t learnt guitar. I think I looked into it and didn’t know where to start so gave up.  Gymnastics didn’t improve much but sister got me into more climbing! Drawing improved a little with life drawing groups.  Boy did I fix up those dreads (Jess and I combed them out). Still haven’t done Martial Arts but planning to do a Kung Fu/Meditation retreat in a few weeks in Thailand. I better book that. Tomorrow… Am reading more – its apart of my bed time routine 😊. Oh I still need to learn how to write properly!! Grammar and vocab etc.

[itwasanangryinch]

3...2...1... Happy New Year!!

For the first (?) time, I’m actually going to make and complete a New Years meme, because fuck it, I had a good year. I’m also going to put much shorter answers for last year since I had wanted to do this then, but then... didn’t.

Favourite new (to me) band: Against Me!     5 favourite songs:

The Ocean

White Crosses

True Trans Soul Rebel

I Was a Teenage Anarchist

Norse Truth

I’ve known about Against Me! since lead singer Laura Jane Grace since she came out as trans in 2012 with her Rolling Stone profile, but I hadn’t heard any of their songs until a couple of years ago. This year was the first year I really got into her music (both here and with The Devouring Mothers) after reading her biography Tranny while on vacation in Melbourne.

Runner up: Miss Guy and the Toilet Boys, seen for the first time at Wigstock 2.Ho

2017′s answer: Ataru Nakamura, the very, very talented trans performer who played Yitzhak to JCM’s Hedwig in Japan (and because of the staging, also played Hedwig for the non-singing part of the script.)

Favourite new (to me) city: Melbourne, Australia.

If you had asked me last year, my answer would have been Tokyo, Japan and this year’s is my favourite for much the same reasons: Melbourne is very easy to get around, very fun to walk around, and I got to see the wonderful John Cameron Mitchell perform there.

Melbourne is absolutely beautiful with so many shops to explore and a free (within the few square blocks I mostly kept to) public transport system.

Runner up: Sydney, Australia. Very similar to Melbourne and might have been the favourite if I had been able to stay there longer, but.... schedules.

2017′s answer: Toyko, Japan. For the reasons listed above. I could actually see myself moving to Tokyo at some point. Not right now, but possibly eventually.

Favourite concert: John Cameron Mitchell: The Origin of Love, Brisbane

This year I have seen this concert seven times in addition to one very abridged show in Portland, Oregon to go along with a double header of Hedwig and How to Talk to Girls at Parties.

On this particular date, the band gelled really well; John was in a great mood, great energy; the crowd was incredible..... Everything just... Worked. (Even tho this was the concert I had the least amount of interaction with John afterwards, lol.)

Definitely looking forward to seeing where John takes the performances for his upcoming stateside tour and at a later, yet to be announced, time in Japan.

Runner ups: (aside from the rest of the OoL tour), Rocky Horror with Mason Alexander Park, Taboo 15 (with Mason), Alice Cooper, and Wigstock 2.Ho where I finally got to see NPH performing as Hedwig.

2017′s answer: Hedwig and the Angry Inch: October 14th, evening. Tokyo, Japan.

In my estimation, this was the best of all of the Hedwig concerts. By this point, everyone had performed this in front of an audience twice before and the show from beginning to end gelled really well. Again, there was an incredible energy between the band and the two lead performers and the audiences for all of the Japan shows were great. From beginning to end, this one was the best.

From about the Tommy monologue til the end, the final Tokyo show (Oct. 15th) was the best because there was this crackling, alive, angry energy that had an almost dangerous feeling to Exquisite Corpse and was the only show (surprisingly!!) where I cried at the delivery of my favourite line “Then love the front of me.” On that show, with the exception of Exquisite Corpse, I cried from that line til John started the encore song, ‘The End of Love’ and I had only stopped there because I had completely forgotten he was doing an encore song.

Favourite movie: Black Panther

I’ve been waiting literal years for this movie to be made and there was not one thing to be disappointed in in its final rendering in my opinion. I realize that unlike a large portion of the audience, this movie was very much not reflective of my experiences and at no point would I claim to be represented by it as anything other than a nerd and a comic book fan.

Being a fan of the Black Panther for years has meant having tone deaf comic lines, sidelined animated stories, and much less content, merch, and even cartoon adaptation than some of his paler counterparts. So to see a film that was technically and narratively perfect being rendered so beautifully and taking the box office for many, many weeks was a wonderful way to start this year.

Runners up: Deadpool 2, Bad Samaratian, and does How to Talk to Girls at Parties even count for this year if I saw it last year in Japan??

2017′s answer: a strong tie between Transpotting 2 and HtTtGaP. T2 because it was so much better than I could have ever hoped it to be. It married themes and footage from the first film perfectly to the characters’ lives 20 years on. It gave me hope for an eventual Hedwig sequel in terms of quality because based on interviews, they share a similar tone in terms of ageing characters. Plus Danny Boyle’s cinematography was truly beautiful with the use of shadows, call-backs, foreshadowing.... A true equal to the most iconic of Scottish films.

HtTtGaP because well.... John Cameron Mitchell’s direction mixed with an alien invasion set against punk rock and the Queen’s jubilee? How could I not love it? To me, it’s a strong second to Hedwig in terms of quality and netted my absolute favourite review via the BBC (‘This is one of the worst films ever made’, trust me Beeb reviewer, if that were true, cinema would be a far more enjoyable art form.)

Favourite vacation: Australia

Long story short: I met my favourite actor five times. It’s very rare in this life that you can actually tell an artist who influenced your life in a very meaningful way just how much their art and they as a person mean to you. This year, after seeing JCM perform live eight times and on video, no lie, thousands of times, I had the chance to actually do this. And unlike how I was worried about for the past three years, I wasn’t actually nervous to talk to him at all. Part of that is that he is a very easy person to feel at ease with, very comforting presence.... And part of it was that during the first Australian show I went to where I’m dressed as the very first Squeezebox Hedwig, John lay on top of me as part of the final number. How could I be scared to talk to him after that introduction??

Runners up: going to see Taboo 15 in New York with my best friend and touring the David Bowie Is exhibit at the Brooklyn Museum (March), going to see Wigstock with Risa. Technically, I ditched work to be able to go, but.... 10/10, I would do it again. I saw a lot of amazing performers for the first time, had a chance to chat with Mason again, and saw the tour de force that is Neil Patrick Harris as Hedwig and Lena Hall as Yitzhak.

Hopefully next year, the Hedwig section will be able to be longer. (Or maybe Yitz will perform by himself. Or multiple Hedwigs. Or just the entire Hedwig script delivered at the end of a seven hour drag festival pre-show.)

2017′s answer: Hedwig in Japan. Not only did I get to meet my friend @miyacantdecide for the first time in person, I was able to see the wonder that is JCM as Hedwig live. Even when he’s not delivering the script, his presence as Hedwig is truly something else. And having seen him perform as himself (but in a version of her makeup) this year, I can honestly say that She has a completely different stage presence to Him and how incredible of an actor to be able to deliver such radically different interpretations of the same material and songs??

Outside of Hedwig, I can honestly say that I came back from Japan a changed person. Better in so many ways than I was a year previous. Almost completely made whole again after past traumas (and completed a year later on a different trip.)

2017′s runner up: seeing RENT 20 live. I had a blast hanging out with my mother most of the days and the RENT 20 cast? Holy shit. What talents. Cried from ‘I’ll Cover You (Reprise)’ til the end of ‘Finale B’. Just goes to show: it doesn’t matter if the show’s set in December and it’s hot As Fuck outside if you have a talented cast bundled up in sweaters for 75% of the script.

Favourite album: Golden by Kylie

Not only does pop’s most talented princess talk about her recent breakup with Joshua Sause (sp?), there’s themes of her ageing as this year our princess turned 50. While I agree with reviewers that this isn’t her best musically or vocally, I find myself replaying this one over and over on my stereo and headphones more than almost any other album this year. Favourite song: a toss up between Shelby ‘68 and Low Blow.

2017′s answer: Pollinator by Blondie. It had been two years since the release of 2014′s Ghost of Download, but unlike Ghost’s offerings that went largely unnoticed by me at the time, every single from Pollinator got me more and more hyped not only because of the excellent music evident on songs such as Fun, Long Time, and Doom or Destiny, but collaborations with artists such as Raja (on the video for Fun) and Joan Jett (the aforementioned Doom or Destiny), the honey-thick entrancing song Fragments, and the wonderful Love Line.

This year has been weirder, queerer, and more wonderful than any year yet on record. I’ve been to a number of technically-but-not-really drag shows, revisited some of my favourite artists in concert, met two of my favourite Hedwigs, and saw four total Heds perform.... I’ve read and learned more about the queer experience that not only deepened my understanding of my larger community, but of my own experiences and how they fit within the community. I’ve become more confident being out to coworkers and customers at my job....

I had the pleasure of meeting two of my close friends @hedwig-in-a-jukebox and @fdelopera in person (with plans to meet up again early-2019) as well as making some new friends.

Here’s to an even better 2019! Onwards and upwards.

[amy--abroad-blog]

What They Didn’t Tell You

So, I’m at a very interesting point in my life. A place that I can say I have never been before. I am a recent University Graduate and though I am very proud of my achievements I must say that the months that followed my graduation were anything but easy.

Now, I am excusing the people who had secured a job before they graduated because man... ya’ll got your shit together and I praise you for that. Don’t think I am excluding you from the conversation, the fact that you knew what you wanted and went for it is very commendable. If you’re reading this and you’re saying “yup thats me” to the statements above, this post is not going to be relatable, but hey, reading on may be interesting for you or maybe you have someone you know that are finding themselves in the same situation. They’re not alone.

With all that out of the way I am going to say this is where the post really begins. Now, I wouldn’t say I’m completely without direction as I know where I want to be and have a few areas of where I’d like to work. However, I would say that I am without direction for a whole other reason. Before you think I’m over-reacting, hear me out a second. Our whole lives we have been told that we need to get an education, that’s awesome, but we never really needed to worry about what came next. What I mean by this is, whether you stayed in one country your whole life or travelled a lot like me, you always had to go to school. From Pre-school and Kindy to Primary school and Secondary School. 

(Apologies to people who were part of different school systems that called the grades by other names, like elementary school, highschool etc. I spent most of my schooling years at a institution that followed the British Curriculum and system.)

After graduating secondary school (highschool), there was a little bit of panic when it came to applying for Universities or Colleges, where did we want to go and what did we want to study. Though that is a stressful time for many people it still doesn’t amount to the feeling I wish to speak about. Which is once you graduate University. The point of talking about school was that whether you moved schools a lot and moved countries for University, you always had a set plan to follow. Whether you were aware of it or not you were just another individual following the education system. Teachers, Instructors and Lecturers telling you what to do, how to do it and when to do it by. We were always part of that strict “Education System”.

What they didn’t tell you is that if you are not planning on continuing studies past your bachelors and start job hunting after graduation, you’re in for an interesting road ahead. Now this is just me speaking from my experience but let me tell you, it has been a ride if anything.

I went through all of the emotions.

Happiness due to the idea that I worked so hard and finally had a degree to show for it and excitement because I was looking forward to what the future held for me.

But that all took a turn when I realised exactly what I was in for. I had the realisation that this is where my life really is in my hands and my hands alone. There is no one telling me what to do, how to do it and when to do it by. No system showing me and a sea of people the way. I was and am well and truly in charge of my own life now and no one told me how daunting, stressful and scary that actually feels.

My happiness turned into stress and my excitement into what I could only describe as mild depression. I spend pretty much my whole day on the computer looking and applying for jobs and when I’m not doing that I’m studying Japanese or looking for volunteer work here in Australia. (It’s worth pointing out here that I am applying for work in Japan). Between the rejection e-mails and plainly not hearing back from anyone, I reached a point where for once in my life I actually thought to myself,

“What is the point?”

That. Is a scary place to be. My motivation was gone and I felt so useless, I felt like I had lost my direction, when you reach this low it can be very hard to get yourself back out. 

Guys, it’s so important to remember that it is okay to be down, it is okay to be upset. I truly believe that acknowledging your feelings and looking at why you are feeling them is the first rung on the ladder to getting you back up on your feet and out of this hell hole you’ve created for yourself.

Here is what they didn’t tell me:

1) You’re going to feel lost 2) You’re going to want to give up 3) Job hunting is not easy  4) It’s okay to be upset  5) Don’t feel bad for taking a step back and taking time for you

Here is what I am telling you:

1) You’re going to feel lost 2) You’re going to want to give up 3) Job hunting is not easy 4) It’s okay to be upset 5) Don’t feel bad for taking a step back and taking time for you

You know what else?

- You’re going to be okay

Take a deep breath, sit down and write a plan down. Even if it is not a plan for the long haul. Make a list of things that need to be done, rather than looking into the future, slow it down. Take it day by day, or hour by hour if you need to. This is how I slowly got control over my life again.

I made a list of things I needed to do to get me to a certain place. Rather than focusing on finding a job every second of everyday, I narrowed it down. I looked at all my options and all my ways of getting there. My life has never been a straight-forward road. Things don’t happen the easiest most convenient way and even though when you’re feeling down that is the last thing you want to hear, you’ll be somewhat grateful for it later.

I believe the saying is “taking the road less travelled”, my life has always been about taking the road less travelled or “taking the scenic route”, but that is what gave me the memories I have today, the people I love today, and the skills and knowledge that I use to navigate my way through life.

I have picked myself back up and am able to continue looking for a job while being motivated AND happy. It is possible! And now that I am back on my feet, I see my goal and what I want, clearer than ever and let me tell you, I am going to get it.

So yes, for a first post, this is a long one but I guess what I’m trying to say is...

Things work out. 

And that is what they didn’t tell me.

Stay happy and healthy guys~

Amy

| 02/03/2018 | 8:25pm | Brisbane | 

[roogerriffic]

All or Nothing - Chapter 4

During the next few days I had been putting a lot of thought into my decision to stay in L.A or go ahead with my move to Australia. I finally decided to go ahead with the move. I need to look after me and get my life back on track, I can’t do that if I’m only staying here for 1 person. I haven’t told Seth yet, I hope he understands. I will tell him today if he’s able to come around to my place, I don’t really want to do it over the phone.

I send Seth a text “Do you want to come around to my place after you finish work?”

He must be busy because I don’t get a reply. I just keep concentrating on packing for the move. It seems never ending. It’s just on lunch time now, I stop packing to get myself something to eat. While I’m sitting down eating lunch my phone lights up and gives me a text notification. I open up the text, it’s from Seth.

“Sorry, I can’t tonight, I promised Brooke I would have dinner with her”

That messaged hurt. I manage to hold back the tears that were threatening to fall. I thought he had broken up with her. I wish I could just turn off the feelings I have for him, I hate feeling like this. I try my best to think logically about this. This just confirms that I am making the right decision about moving to Australia. I don’t reply to Seth. I just go back to keeping my distance and this time stay away. After a few hours I get another text message, it’s from Seth

“I haven’t heard from you, are you ok?”

He must have a feeling that there is something wrong, why else would he send that message? By the end of the day I am exhausted but at least I have gotten heaps done. In the meantime I have received 2 more messages and a missed call from Seth. He would know by now that I am ignoring him. It’s 9pm and I’m exhausted. Exhausted from packing and just emotionally drained. I get dressed in my pj’s and go to bed. I close my eyes and hope to drift off to sleep but my mind keeps racing. My emotions are conflicting themselves, I feel guilty for moving when I know Seth wants me to stay, I am excited for the next chapter in my life, I am still hurt because Seth is still with Brooke, I know I will miss Seth. Hours pass by and I still haven’t managed to get any sleep, it hasn’t helped that I still have been getting messages from Seth. The last message brought me to tears.

“Maybe it is better you keep your distance. I’m done with all the bullshit”

I cry myself to sleep.

A week passes and I am now on my way back to Australia. After that last message Seth sent we haven’t spoken to each other. Seth doesn’t know that I am on my way back to Australia. I sleep majority of the trip. I wake up when the flight attendant announces we will be landing in Brisbane in 30 minutes. The 30 minutes goes really quickly. The plane lands and taxis back to the terminal. As soon as I am inside the terminal, I turn my phone back on. There’s no new messages or missed calls.   I’m back at my parent’s place. I will be staying there for a couple of weeks until the house I got becomes available. I have a week off before I start my new job. I can’t wait. As the days go by, there still isn’t any word from Seth. I really do miss him but can’t bring myself to talk to him until I know Brooke is out of the picture. For my sanity I don’t want to get attached to him again. Tomorrow I will be getting a new phone so I have an Australian phone number which means I can totally focus on myself and not have to worry about if Seth is going to call or message me. A month later, I have never been happier. Work is going great, I’m in my house, and I have bought myself a new car. My mind is finally free, I am no longer dwelling on my feelings for Seth. Moving back to Australia is one of the best life decisions I have ever made. I have just got home from a night shift at work. Being a Friday night/Saturday morning, the night was full of alcohol related incidences, it’s exhausting. I have 2 days off now, so it sweetened it a little for me. Once I have a shower and get dressed, I get into bed and just chill out for a while before I go to sleep. I sit my phone on my bedside table next to my book, I pick up my book, settle down and start reading. A while later, I’m still reading....just. I can barely keep my eyes open but this is a great book and I don’t like putting it down. My phone lights up and Messenger notifies me with a ‘ding’. I don’t know who will be sending me a message at this hour, curiosity gets the better of me so I put the book down and pick my phone up. Once I unlock it, I see the profile pic of the person who sent the message. My heart sinks. It’s Seth. He rarely uses Facebook and because of that, I completely forgot that he was still on my friends list. My head was telling me don’t open the message, just ignore it, but my heart was telling me to open it. Of course I listened to my heart and opened the message.

“I have been trying to call you, your number has been disconnected. I’m hoping to catch up”

I reply “I’m no longer in the states. I have to be honest, If I had remembered you were still on my friend’s list, I would have deleted you. I was finally feeling back to myself again”

He says “I just thought you might like to know that I broke it off with Brooke”

I tell him “It’s best if we don’t contact each other, I finally have my feelings in check and I don’t want that screwed up. I’m happy”

He replies “I miss you. Can you at least tell me if you miss me at all?”

I don’t reply. I feel that all too familiar pang in my heart again. I thought I had gotten rid of it for good. I put my phone back on the bedside table and close my eyes. I hear the  notification, I don’t check what he has said, I pick up my phone to turn the power off so I can try and get a decent sleep without interruption. When I turn my phone on the next morning, I see another message from Seth. To say I’m shocked with the message is an understatement.

“Since you won’t talk to me, I am going to come to you. Give me a week and I will be there”

I brush the message off and chuckle to myself. All he knows is that I am in Brisbane. Brisbane is a big city and the chances of him finding me are slim to none.

I reply “You don’t know my address and I’m not going to give it to you”

He replies “How about this? If you don’t want me there, you have 3 days to delete me. I won’t contact you anymore, However, if you don’t delete me, you tell me your address”

I delete him straight away. Later that afternoon, I receive a text from my friend, Taylor. She has been one of my closest friends since high school. We rarely catch up because of our lives have taken different directions, but when we do catch up, it’s like we only caught up yesterday. I read her text.

“You have some explaining to do. I know you have today off work so I’m coming over now!!!”

I reply “What have I done?”

I don’t get a reply. I dare say that she’s driving, already on her way over here. 10 minutes later, there’s a knock on my door, I walk over and open the door.

Taylor asks “Are you going to spill the beans?”

Sarcastically I say “Hello, how are you?” then add “What beans?”

She asks “You seriously don’t know what I’m talking about?”

I reply “No, I have no idea”

She grabs her phone from her pocket, unlocks it, opens her messenger app, taps on a conversation to open it. She then passes her phone to me

“Check this out”

What I seen made me ropeable. How dare he do that. He stalked me on Facebook, figured out that Tay was one of my closest friends and asked her for my info.  Tay had the hide to give him my address and phone number.

I yell at her “Why would you give him my personal information for?”

She shrugs her shoulders “For a start, it’s Seth Macfarlane and two, he obviously has feelings for you if he’s willing to come here for you”

I sigh in frustration. There’s nothing that can be done now except wait. Wait for him to contact me or wait for him to show up at my door step.

She doesn’t care in the slightest that I am angry, she asks with a smirk on her face “Sooooo....... How did you meet him?”

I almost snap “I saved his life”

She thinks for a moment, then asks “How did you saving his life, end up with him having a crush on you?”

I sigh “He doesn’t have a crush on me”

She laughs “Uh.....yeah he does!”

I tell her “Look, it’s an extremely long story that I don’t feel like telling right now”

She says “Ok then, but I want to meet him when he comes to see you”

I glare at her.

She laughs at me before saying “Well I best be off now, you can thank me for this later”

Tay leaves before I can say another word. I can’t believe she gave Seth my address and phone number. Why is Seth going to all this trouble to keep in contact with me?

A week goes by and I have heard nothing from Seth. While I think it’s weird he went to all that effort to get my address and phone number and not contact me at all, I don’t put much thought into it. Right now its 6am and I have just pulled up in my driveway after finishing graveyard shift at work. As I walk up my drive I notice someone sitting at my doorstep. I can’t tell who it is, I’m too far away. This is freaking me out right now. I cautiously step closer and closer, I am a few metres away now. They appear to be asleep as they aren’t aware I am even here. The person has their back up against the wall, knees up to their chest and their head inbetween their knees so I still can’t tell who it is. I finally get close enough to recognise this person even without seeing their face. I mutter to myself “Oh for fuck’s sake”

I slap the back of his head pretty hard, it scares the living shit out of him “Jesus Christ” he blurts out

I ask him “Seth, what the fuck are you doing?”

He casually says “I was waiting for you to get home” he adds “That’s a very nice welcome by the way”

I sigh “Just get inside”

He asks while getting up to his feet “What exactly have I done wrong? I was kinda hoping for a better reaction than “What the fuck are you doing?””

I sigh loudly before explaining “I’m sorry I couldn’t give you a better reaction. You haven’t done anything wrong. I am finally happy, I’m no longer in the hell where my feelings ran my life. You show up on my doorstep and I’m scared I’m going to go back to that hell”

Once we are inside, Seth follows me to the living room. I sit down on the couch and he sits next to me.

He asks “So that’s it? You don’t want anything to do with me anymore?”

I reply “It’s not that I don’t want anything to do with you, because believe me, I do, it’s just easier this way”

He says firmly “I’m not going anywhere”

I tell him “Please don’t make this harder for me”

He raises his voice “I thought we had a good friendship, you seriously don’t want anything to do with me because you can’t keep your feelings in check?”

I yell at him “Really? You want to go there? I have told you what it has been like for me and that moving here has helped me. You don’t give a rat’s arse because YOU want to be friends”

He sighs loudly and calms himself down before saying “I will go back to L.A if you want me to. I just really wanted to try and keep our friendship, that’s all” he gets up of the couch and starts walking to the front door “I’m going back to the motel now, I will leave you alone” He looked and sounded defeated.

I blurt out “Seth, please stay”

He stops and turns around to face me, confused he asks ‘Why? I thought you didn’t want anything to do with me”

I reply “You’re right”

Confused still, he asks “Right about what? That you don’t want anything to do with me?”

I say “Not about that”

He looks at me, giving me a look as if to say “Tell me more”, when I don’t tell him he asks “Care to elaborate?”

I nod my head slightly. I take a deep breath and say “You’re right about how I don’t want anything to do with you because I can’t keep my feelings in check”

He says “I didn’t mean that to come out the way it did”

I tell him “I know, but it’s exactly how it is”

He asks “What now? Do you want me to stick around or do you want me to go back to L.A?”

I say quietly “Please stay”

He smiles softly and says “Of course”

I wake up on the couch, I rub my neck, it hurts from the awkward sleeping position. I only just notice Seth at the other end of the couch, still asleep. All I remember is just Seth and I talking on the couch. I must have fallen asleep pretty quickly. I look at the time on the clock on top of my TV unit. It’s 3:30 in the afternoon. Other than my neck, I don’t feel too bad. I carefully get up of the couch, trying not to wake Seth up, which I fail, I wake him up.

Groggily he says “What time is it?”

I reply “Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you. It’s 3:30”

He groans “Really?”

I smile “Yeah, Really”

He groans again “The day has gone”

He slowly sits himself up and says “I could really do with a coffee”

I tell him “I will make you one”

He says “I can make it, you tell me where I can find everything”

I smile “I will make it, it’s fine, just say thankyou”

He smiles “Thankyou”

I reply “You’re welcome”

After I make our coffees we move to the chairs in the entertainment area outside. We don’t say much as Seth is still half asleep. Half hour later Seth says “I better get back to the motel so I can get myself respectable again”

I tell him “After you make yourself respectable again, check out of the motel. I have a spare bed for you”

He says “I couldn’t do that to you. I have no problems staying at the motel”

I say “It’s no problem. It will actually be nice to have someone around”

He smiles “Well ok then. I shall check out of the motel”

I tell him “Good”

He leaves not long after that. While I am still scared that my feeling will flare up again, I really do want to our friendship back. I do miss it.

Next Chapter     Masterlist     Previous Chapter

[intimatevoid]

Stolen from @littledonkeyburrito, as usual~

1. Do you prefer guys to shave down there? I have no preference. As long as the hair isn't making things difficult, like getting caught in hands and toys and teeth, he can do what he wants.

2. Do you prefer liquid, mousse or powder foundation? Why? I don’t really think about it because I don't wear foundation. My skin's clear enough that I don't need it, and even if it wasn’t, I wouldn’t wear it because I would sweat it off in minutes. (Setting spray? I destroy setting spray ;A; it’s the worst.)

3. How much does your mother know about your sex life (or lack thereof)? Next to nothing, I guess. All she knows is that I've been with Ash for a while, and that I was with Seb for a while too.

4. Do you enjoy watching cooking shows? Not really. Like if one's on in a waiting room or something then I'll absently watch, but if I have any say in the matter then I don't know watch them.

5. Do you worry about gaining weight? Only if it affects my health somehow. Aside from a recent fluctuation from hormonal fuckery, I can usually do whatever I want without my weight changing at all.

6. Have you ever used fake tan? Nah, I've never needed to. I tan really dark, really quickly.

7. How do you organize your make-up? I just put different kinds into little ziplock bags to keep them from getting lost in my makeup bag. Pens in one, eye-shadow and eye brushes in the other.

8. Do you ever look at someone cute, and automatically make a move? Hahaha, holy fuck, I would never have confidence in my own desirability to do something like that. What would the point even be?

9. Do you live in a house, apartment, or another type of arrangement? An apartment, but I’m hoping like crazy that later this year I’m able to move into a house.

10. What’s one event your town has that you don’t like to participate in? Toowoomba has the Carnival of Flowers. I usually avoid it because it’s too hot, and too noisy.

11. Are any of your siblings married? What are their spouses’ names? Nope, though Clare (the bitchy, transphobic one) is engaged to a lovely guy named Simon who deserves so much better.

12. Does your father have any creepy or scary friends you don’t like? I haven’t spoken to my dad in years. I haven’t spoken to any of his friends in even longer. Though he’s all about being friends with Jesus, who certainly creeps me the fuck out. Does he count?

13. Do you watch any shows that you know your parents wouldn’t approve of? Ha! Literally anything that’s not conservative or whatever, they would disapprove.

14. What venue was the last real concert you went to at? Some concert hall in Brisbane, I don’t remember what it’s called.

15. Does your best friend and their mom have the same last name? Yes, no, no, yes, and half plus their dad’s last name.

16. What color is your cellphone? Black.

17. Are you currently waiting for a phone call? From whom? No, thank fuck.

18. Do you have any drugs in your bedroom? No

19. Is there a feature on your face that people compliment you on? Sometimes my eyes or my skin.

20. What are your plans for the rest of the week? Nothing, thank fuck. This past week has been exhausting and I am grateful for the chance to finally fucking rest.

21. How many studded belts do you own? None.

22. Has your partner ever had braces? I don’t think so?

23. What have you eaten today?

 A sandwich, and some spicy noodles.

24. What’s your favourite thing to do? Quietly spend socially antisocial time with loved one/s, perhaps gaming or reading, gently touching but otherwise not interacting.

25. Did you wear a jacket today? Lord no, it’s way too hot.

26. Have you kissed more than two people of the same sex? Eyyyup!

27. How many times have you had sex in one day? Twice I think? Or maybe only once. I don’t have sex very often.

28. Did you exercise at all today? Nope, but I’m scheduled for it tomorrow.

29. Would you ever move far away for a job opportunity? Only if the new location was geographically close to somebody I care about. I’ve worked too fucking hard on my relationships to waste it all by distancing myself from any more of my loved ones.

30. Are you too shy/embarrassed to tell people your middle name? Negatory.

31. If not, what is it? No bc internet, but anyone who knows me well will know it anyway.

32. What day of the week is garbage day on your street? I always forget the exact day; it’s either Tuesday or Wednesday.

33. What is something new you learned today? That it’s possible to complete Dark Souls without ever levelling up.

34. Do you need a haircut? Not a full haircut, but I do need a trim. It’s been about six months since my last one and my split ends are insane.

35. Can you say the alphabet backwards? If I try, yeah.

36. When was the last time you ate popcorn? Too long ago! Probably during a D&D session.

37. Do you like eating out at restaurants? Cheap restaurants. The more expensive they get, the less I enjoy the atmosphere.

38. Is your name common? My first and middle names are semi-common, and my surname is very rare, at least in australia.

39. Do you look older or younger than your actual age? Before I transitioned, I was mistaken for up to ten years older. Now that I’ve transitioned, always younger.

40. Were you ever a Pokemon fan? Yus!

41. If you could get rid of one season, which one would you choose? Of which show?

42. Have you ever performed in front of a large group? A couple of times, yeah.

43. Are you hungry right now? Nah, I just ate.

44. Have you ever had the chicken pox? Nope. I should probably get vaccinated. 44. How often do you do laundry? About once a week.

45. Do you know anyone who snores? I do. It sucks, cause I used to not snore at all. Then randomly, about a year and a half ago, I just started snoring for no reason at all. 46. Would you make a good movie critic? I think, with some training, I could. I’m good at being analytical and critical of things. 47. What goal are you aiming for this year? 1) Move house in March/April, 2) yisit Dusty in May/June, and 3) build a computer in July when my tax return comes in! 48. What’s the farthest you’ve walked? In one day? Hard to say, I used to walk a lot but not so much anymore. 49. What does your favourite shirt look like? My current fave is just a plain black blouse. I like it because it goes with almost everything. 

... what? I’m poor, I don’t own much clothing. 50. What made you feel most accomplished in your life so far? Realising just how many people I’ve surrounded myself with who care about me. Realising that I’m going to be okay. 51. What can’t you afford but wish you could? BASIC LIVING REQUIREMENTS LIKE DECENT FOOD AND CLOTHING AND STUFF LIKE THAT

Last 10 people in your Facebook messages inbox: (excluding group chats)

1.       Moses

2.       Sage

3.       Ash

4.       Maz

5.       Kathryn

6.       Maddie

7.       Seb

8.       Chloe

9.       Tammy

10.     Ruin

1. How long have you known 1? Since the day he was born.

2. When did you meet 2? A few years ago, though we didn’t really talk til Miitomo became a thing.

3. When was the last time you saw 3? About half an hour ago.

4. Have you and 4 ever gotten into trouble together before? Oh ho ho, have we ever.

5. How old is 5? 31? I think?

6. Have you ever taken a shower at 6’s house? Nope, I’ve never been to her place at all.

7. Have you ever taken a dump at 7’s house? Haha, yeah.

8. Have you ever thought about going out with 8? Mmmmmmmaybe :3

9. What about 9? Not going out, but we’ve fooled around together.

10. Would you ever go out with 10 or ask 10 out? I actually used to want to, but now we’ve settled into a much more satisfying dynamic.

11. What’s the best memory you have had with 1? No specific ones, but watching him start animating from scratch and achieve great things has been amazing.

12. What’s 2′s lastname? nooooot my place to spill it on the internet :P

13. Would you ever take a bullet for 3? Maybe. It’s hard to say without the situation actually happening.

14. What would you do if 4 died? I’d be pretty fuckin’ sad.

15. What would you do if you found out 5 killed someone that you were related to? Depends on who it was. I’m not very close to most of my relatives.

16. Would you take care of 6 if they were sick? Of course, assuming she was close enough to do so.

17. Would you kill 7 if it was the only way for your other friends to survive? Yep. Sorry dude. If it’s any consolation, I’d say the same for literally everyone else on this list.

18. Has 8 ever cooked for you? She has not, on account of her living half a world away. But we have promised to cook for each other when we finally meet!

19. How many times have you and 9 fought? I don’t think we ever have.

20. Have you and 10 ever cried together? I don’t think at the same time, but we’ve each had times where we cried with the other, yeah.

21. Have you and 1 ever kissed? Ew. No. He’s my brother.

22. Do you ever dream of 2? They’ve been in my dreams once or twice before.

23. Is 3 a boy? Nope.

24. Does 4 have any kids? Noooope.

25. Do you want to marry 5? Nah, I don’t think we’re really suited for that. 26. How did you meet 1? it all started when my mother gave birth to him

27. What was your first impression of 2? meme master 28. Would you ever date 3? I currently am dating 3! 29. Are 4 and 5 friends? They have never met.

30. Who is 6 going out with? Nobody at all. 31. Is 7 a boy or girl? It feels weird calling him a “boy”. He is a man. 32. What would you think if 8 became your stepbrother/sister? I would wonder how the fuck her parents 1) met mine, and 2) didn’t despise each other 33. Is #9 a dork? Of course, and I love that about her.

34. What is a random fact about #10? They make incredibly tasty vanilla custard. 35. Who does #1 have a crush on? Probably his girlfriend 36. Does #2 have any stalkers? Alas, I think they do, though hopefully they’ve all fallen away by now 37. If #3 said they were in love with you, what would you say? I would say it back to them, and we would kiss, because it is already common knowledge that this is a thing.

38. Is #4 hot? My sister is an incredibly gorgeous lass and anyone she fell for would be very lucky to be with her ^_^ 39. Who is #5 best friends with? Her sister, I think. 40. Does #6 have good fashion sense? I don’t think she tries to, but she certainly doesn’t look bad or anything. Her hair is excellent for sure. 41. Is #7 single? He is not! He started dating a lovely lady recently, which was delightful to hear. Hopefully I get to meet her in a couple of weeks. 42. Would #8 and #9 make a cute couple? Ahahaha, I think they’d drive each other up the wall.

[twh-news]

What We Learned on the Set of Thor: Ragnarok: From Jack Kirby to Planet Hulk

[This post contains somewhat spoilery info, so if you don't want to know more than you already know, don't read below the cut!]

It was just about one year ago exactly that Fandango jetted out to Brisbane, Australia to tour the magnificent sets of Thor: Ragnarok, the third and possibly wildest standalone movie for the God of Thunder yet. You can read our guide to all the characters old and new here, but below is where we’ll answer some of the most pressing questions about the movie, its plot and production.

We last saw Thor (Chris Hemsworth) soaring off into the cosmos to investigate certain disturbances in the Force -- whoops, wrong Disney franchise. Actually, at the end of Avengers: Age of Ultron, he was going to try to find out why more of the Infinity Stones were suddenly surfacing and who was behind it. In Thor: Ragnarok, he’s been missing for two years and is imprisoned on Muspelheim, where he must fight the fire demon Surtur to escape.

He finds his way back to Asgard, where Loki (Tom Hiddleston) has been ruling in place of Odin (Anthony Hopkins), and through a series of events that somehow detour to New York City, Thor ends up on the planet Sakaar, where he’s forced into gladiatorial combat at the behest of an Elder known as the Grandmaster (Jeff Goldblum). Little does he know that the reigning champion is his old pal, the Hulk (Mark Ruffalo).

Meanwhile, the goddess of death, Hela (Cate Blanchett), has been unleashed and seeks to destroy Asgard -- not too difficult a task with Loki running things there. If Hela can bring about Ragnarok -- the “end of all things” -- what will that mean for Thor, Loki, the Earth and the rest of the Nine Realms?

Here are some of the things we learned in Brisbane:

Where in the timeline of the Marvel Cinematic Universe does Thor: Ragnarok fall?

The events of the movie will reportedly lay down even more groundwork for the arrival of Thanos in Avengers: Infinity War, so clearly it takes place before next year’s all-in showdown with the Mad Titan. “In the timeline of the MCU, things kind of happen on top of each other, especially now in Phase 3,” said producer Brad Winderbaum. “They're not as interlocked as they were in Phase 1…so (this) kind of happens maybe on top of Captain America: Civil War, maybe on top of Spider-Man: Homecoming. Somewhere in that ball park.”

The popular Planet Hulk storyline from the comics was heavily mined for material for the story.

The planet Sakaar, the gladiatorial battles presided over by a dictator-like character (the Red King in the comics, the Grandmaster in the movie), secondary characters like Korg, the Hulk getting transported to Sakaar through a wormhole and becoming a champion…all of those elements are from the 2006 Planet Hulk story in Marvel Comics, which fans have wanted to see in a movie for years. As with many of the Marvel movies, Thor: Ragnarok borrows from that story and weaves it into something new that echoes the comics without replicating them.

"In the earliest development of Thor: Ragnarok, we were looking at Planet Hulk as inspiration,” admits Winderbaum. “Maybe not even to integrate the Hulk into the franchise, but the idea of a planet where there's gladiatorial games as being a Thor predicament. It really was a cool idea to us. Somewhere in the early conversations, when it looked like it was going that way, it was like a no-brainer. It started off as, well, maybe we put Hulk in there too? And then as soon as that spark kind of ignited, it became kind of an idea machine and suddenly he was married to the plot."

Thor is a different person than he was in his earlier adventures.

“We find Thor in a drastically different place,” says Winderbaum. “He's now spent years on Earth living with the Avengers, hanging out with Tony Stark. He understands Earth’s sensibilities. He's got a really quick wit, a great sense of humor, he understands sarcasm in a way he didn't in the first film. And so from a character perspective, we're bringing all of that personality into space with him.”

The character also finds himself in a situation on Sakaar where he is no longer the physically dominant and powerful God of Thunder of the earlier films. “Removing Thor from his environment and his world where he dominated a lot of the fight scenes and so on, and putting him in a situation where all of sudden he’s fairly equal with everybody…was a smart thing for the writers to do,” says Chris Hemsworth. “He’s perhaps gonna use his brain more, or as much as, his brawn. He’s up against it the whole way through this and no step he takes is easy when he’s climbing this particular mountain.”

The relationship between Thor and Loki has evolved as well.

Hemsworth did not want a repeat of the Thor/Loki dynamic from the previous two Thor movies and the first Avengers. “In the first films, you know, a lot of the time you’re seeing Thor kind of going, ‘Come back, Loki…’” the actor says. “I think there’s a feeling from Thor now that’s just like, ‘You know what, kid, do what you want. You can’t hurt for trying. You’re a screw up, so whatever, do your thing.’ There’s a bit of that, which is fun, but also something we haven’t sort of played with as much.”

"I've said this about Loki before, but the opposite of love is not hate but indifference," says Tom Hiddleston. “The idea that Thor might be indifferent to Loki is troubling for him, because that's a defining feature of his character: I don't belong in the family; my brother doesn't love me; I hate my brother. And the idea his brother's like, yeah, whatever…it's an interesting development.”

There is a lot more comedy in this film, which also brings out a different side of Thor and Hemsworth.

“I think it's fantastic,” enthuses Hiddleston. “I think Chris is hilarious, and I've always known him as a hilarious man, even making the first film when we first met. So I love that his comedy chops are being flexed and I think it's great for the tone; it's great for the film.”

Both Hemsworth and Hiddleston loved that director Taika Waititi had them do a lot of improv on set: “I’ve never improvised so much with this character, which has been really exciting,” says Hemsworth. “Taika will just yell suggestions while rolling -- ‘Try this, try that,’ and so on. That has, I think, really come to change the game for myself or for the film.

“Taika is extraordinary in his invention,” agrees Hiddleston. “There are so many moving parts (on these big movie sets) and his quickness and the speed of his invention is really inspiring. Even with the sort of weight of this production, he's able to keep the atmosphere light and keep it feeling free and playful.”

At the same time, Cate Blanchett’s Hela may be Marvel’s greatest villain yet.

“Obviously we always think about the movies as standalones, even if they do set up a movie down the road or pay off something from a previous film,” says Winderbaum. “What we hope if we do our jobs right is that Hela is one of the best villains we've had -- maybe the best. Cate has been delivering an incredible performance. She's really scary and really charming.”

“It’s so far from anything I’ve seen before,” says Hemsworth about Blanchett’s work in the movie. “And as intimidating and scary as it is, you have an empathetic feeling toward her a lot of time from what she’s doing. You’re kind of like, ‘Ah, she’s got a point maybe.’ And then you’ve got to remind yourself that she’s trying to kill us all.”

Valkyrie is not exactly as you remember her from the comics.

The comic book Valkyrie was known as Brunnhilde, an Asgardian being and the leader of Odin’s army of female warriors, the Valkyrior. But the movie Valkyrie (Tessa Thompson) has put all that behind her in Thor: Ragnarok. She works now as a hunter for the Grandmaster…and in fact it is she who captures Thor to use as fodder for her employer’s gladiator games.

"We're not trying to create a one-to-one emulation of Brunnhilde from the comics,” says Winderbaum. “But certainly the idea of the Valkyrie and what they mean to Asgard and Odin is something that we're going to be leaning into a lot."

For Thompson, she was eager to dive headlong into her first major role in a film utilizing extensive visual effects. “It's a challenge that I was really wanting to take on, a year before this movie was even a conversation,” says the actress. “I kept saying to myself and anyone that would listen, I want to do something that's blue and green screen because I think working in the space of such imagination is such an interesting job. And then I just had no trouble asking my cohorts, ‘How do you do that?’ And they were like, ‘Oh yeah, it's weird. You just do it.’”

For the first time in a Thor film, we’ll get to see how the “common folk” in Asgard live.

Fandango also toured the outdoor set of an Asgardian village -- sort of a first for the Thor films, which have previously stayed relegated to Odin’s palace or the Bifrost for the most part. Not unlike something out of The Lord of the Rings or even resembling a place like Naboo a little, the village has a feel that’s both medieval and futuristic at the same time. It’s also where Hela will wreak havoc on the poor people of Asgard. “This is for the first time in a Thor movie that we’ve embraced this sort of human style of living quarters as opposed to the great big palace itself,” says production designer Dan Hannah. “We do spend some time in the palace, but we also spend quite a lot of time in different parts of the city…partly because of Hela, who as queen of death, needs some people to kill, as you would.”

Oh yeah -- the movie also visits Muspelheim, the realm of Surtur.

Dan Hannah: “Muspelheim is essentially a Dyson sphere, which is an enormous structure around a dying star. The premise is this has been here for a long time and it’s coated in residue of the dying star and drawing energy out of the dying star. It’s populated by demons and dragons and all sorts of amazing creatures who live on the energy that’s coming out of the star. It has internal spaces that are vast holes which are just really like being inside a bicycle frame. If you imagine a bicycle frame stretched around a star, some of Muspelheim is inside, some of it when Thor tries to get away is outside on the surface of the Dyson sphere.”

The design of the planet Sakaar is influenced by the groundbreaking art of the legendary Jack Kirby.

It’s only fitting that on the 100th anniversary of his birth, the work of the late Kirby (who invented the Marvel Universe with Stan Lee) should have a massive presence in the design of Thor: Ragnarok. Touring the outside of the gates that lead into the arena on Sakaar, the bold colors and weird geometric shapes signal the influence of the master. The streets surrounding the gates are also quite colorful and crazily configured, with sharp turns and unpredictable curves.

“Yes, Jack Kirby, 1960s Jack Kirby,” confirmed Hannah as we toured the crazily shifting streets of Sakaar. “That was our inspiration. I’ve read Jack Kirby comics since I was 15 years old. So for me it was fantastic…of course, it doesn’t look anything like Jack Kirby, but it does have the influence and it’s different from anything I’ve seen before.”

"The amazing thing about Jack Kirby is his artwork is dense," says visual effects supervisor Jake Morrison. “One of the anecdotes about Kirby is that he never erased anything. He only continued to draw forward. So you see characters with six fingers and stuff like that just ‘cause he was like, ‘Right, okay, I’ll just fill the page and just continue drawing’…what he’s doing is really just filling the frame. So for us what that means is we can be very dense with the visuals.”

Speaking of Sakaar, it’s basically a giant garbage dump.

Sakaar is the endpoint of a series of wormholes that dump whatever gets caught in them -- from different parts of the universe -- onto the planet, which is apparently how Thor and the Hulk both end up there (Hulk’s Quinjet gets trapped in a wormhole, as does Thor).

“It’s a bit of a sewer,” says Hannah about the planet ruled by the Grandmaster. “There’s no vegetation in Sakaar. It’s purely made up of space waste. All the food is made from space waste.” What Hannah refers to as “scrappers” -- which may include Tessa Thompson’s Valkyrie -- work in the dangerous areas outside the main city where things are constantly falling out of the sky. “It’s basically an accumulation of space debris that’s grown,” continues Hannah. “That’s how I think if it anyway . . . It’s like a landfill, basically. “

As for the city where the Grandmaster rules, it’s populated by aliens who have also come to the planet from all over the cosmos. Hannah describes it as “space Vegas.”

Producer Brad Winderbaum delved further into the development of Sakaar: “This is a planet that's like frozen in space between an incredible quantity of wormholes that have been spitting things out into this place for eons and eons. And essentially, if anything goes wrong in your intergalactic travels in the MCU, you're going to get spat out into the toilet of the universe which is this planet.”

The visual effects in the film are among the most intensive of any Marvel production.

Jake Morrison was asked which of the movie’s scenes or effects was the most challenging to create. “All of them,” the visual effects supervisor replied immediately. “It’s literally one of the most involved pictures I have ever been on. It’s visual effects heavy. All Marvel pictures do rely on visual effects to help tell the stories. But this one is absolutely enormous. The scope of the picture and the amount of elements in it is incredible.”

Even Hela’s famous antlers are created through visual effects.

During our day on the set, we saw a scene set on the Stone Arch Bridge in which Thor, Hulk, Valkyrie and Loki all confront Hela. Cate Blanchett was not in full costume, but Morrison assured us that we will see Hela in all her majesty in the final film: “The look of the headdress and all that kind of stuff is very, very iconic,” he explains. “When you have an actor like Cate, what we wanted to do is not tie her down with a physical costume that was overly complicated or weighty…if you're making this film in the 80s or the 90s you would actually have to put the big headdress on and you know exactly what that looks like. You’ve seen actors do this and they basically have a candelabra on there.

“The key is we can base it upon Cate’s physical performance,” continues Morrison about the CG parts of the costume, adding that they now capture 120 samples per second of Blanchett’s body. “We then have the option to make her costume behave in sympathy with her action completely and not have the actor feel in any way like her motion is restricted by the costume. So we’re trying to let the performance drive the picture and then we just add the fun stuff on afterwards.”

Finally, the big question…how does Thor: Ragnarok lead into Avengers: Infinity War?

“Without giving anything away, this definitely bleeds nicely into that,” hints Chris Hemsworth. “As they all tend to do. But this being called Ragnarok -- everyone knows what that means. So obviously it is going to affect the larger universe.”

[lagroupie]

Interview: DZ Deathrays

DZ Deathrays outside Ebullition though my old Canon.

A few weeks ago, DZ Deathrays were playing in Bulle as part of their European tour. The band kindly accepted to have a little chat with me before their show at Ebullition. I remember as I walked closer and closer to the venue, you could hear the band soundcheck across the street because the door was left open. It was awesome.

A few hours before their incredible show, I met with Shane and Lachlan to talk about Positive Rising: Part 1 and what comes next, their lives in Australia and how they make it work, how they see the band after 10 years and more. They also try to explain to me the geography of their country, where distances are huge compared to small Switzerland. Join us!

What’s your life like in Brisbane?

Shane Parsons: Well, I’m pretty much always touring! I actually live in Sydney now. When we first started the band, Simon and I were working for the Queensland government, doing office work. Any money we made working, we spent touring on the weekend. We would go down to Melbourne and Sydney and do shows. That was for four years or so until the point where we couldn’t work jobs anymore because we were touring so much. And now we just try to not have jobs, so when we go home we just write albums. This is our day job now, but it’s tough because there’s not much money in music. You’ve got to balance things as good as you can.

When I get home I just treat writing like a day job: shower, breakfast and then writing from 9 to 6 or so. Then I finish, have an evening with my partner and stuff. I find it quite a good way to work.

DZ Deathrays playing at Ebullition, through my old Canon.

Wait- where do you guys live now?

Shane: I live in Sydney, Lachlan lives in Melbourne…

Lachlan Ewbank: Simon still lives in Brisbane!

Shane: In a lot of bands in Australia everyone lives in different cities. You fly everywhere all the time.

Lachlan: It takes 10 hours to drive from where I live to Shane.

Shane: And then 12 hours from me to Simon.

Wow! Do you have to cross the desert?

Lachlan: Well, it’s a very boring drive!

Shane: If you were to go east to west, you would be crossing a desert. But up and down the coastline it’s still just really far.

Lachlan: So a 12-hour drive or a 1 hour and a half flight!

I guess it makes rehearsing complicated! Perhaps through webcam or something. (laughs)

Shane: If only the internet in Australia was good enough to do that! For this tour, we all just flew in to Brisbane and rehearsed here three days. Then we got everything ready for the tour, got on a plane and everyone left from Brisbane together. That’s how we do it! It’s a bit more expensive, but people’s lives end up changing, they end up going to different cities and all that stuff. At the start, we thought it was gonna be really hard to live in different cities, but it’s actually fine.

Lachlan: I feel like you can get more done, because you do so much writing on your own and you can sit with an idea longer, as opposed to sitting in a room and just jamming- you might not come with an idea, whereas at home you’re like “I’m gonna send this when it’s good enough to send it to someone”.

Shane: The other thing is, so many people do collaborative writing. You’ll notice that in Australia there’s so many artists who live half the year in Los Angeles, and just write and record over there. And then they come back and do shows in Australia, and then maybe do some shows in L.A. They actually tour more in Australia, but they live in L.A. because they can do so much writing over there with different people. That’s just how fast the world moves now, and how easy it is to travel.

Let’s talk about Positive Rising: Part 1. Firstly, does that mean we can expect a part two?

Shane: Yes, it’s done!

Lachlan: We finished recording Part 2 the day before Part 1 came out! It was a weird little feeling. We were celebrating two themes, it’s great!

Also, I wanted to know if the cover was real or photoshopped? Is it the real Australian desert? (ndlr: they laugh)

Lachlan: It’s photoshopped! But there is a real place that looks like that, but we didn’t take the photos here. That’s a photo of a place that is in Australia. Hopefully we can do something using that scenery for a video clip or something.

That desert looks very exotic for us Swiss people!

Lachlan: I know! We were in the mountains before, it’s so green and nice here!

I also wanted to talk about the first song or intro, Hi Everyone. I thought it sounded a bit different from the rest of the songs- what were you guys thinking while you were writing it?

Lachlan: That was the last one we finished in the studio.

Shane: There’s lots of different versions of it. Essentially, I just wanted to write a song that didn’t have a chorus- that just built up, built up, built up. The “Hi everyone” is the first thing I remember writing. And once that sentence was down, I thought “I want a song that’s introducing to everyone”! Like a grand opening to the show.

Lachlan: I find it also helps set up what to expect in the album. Lots of parts, different songs that you’ll hear in that one song.

Shane: And then it’s pretty punk towards the end.

I wanted to talk about one of my favorite songs from the album as well, A lot to lose. What’s the story behind it?

Shane: That’s one of the heaviest songs on the record. I think I had the riff ages ago, and it was a hardcore style thing. But then the lyrics are all about sleep anxiety, if that’s the right word. It’s like when you can’t sleep and end up thinking about not being able to sleep, and that sort of stuff. It’s funny, so many people that I told that to were like “Man, I know exactly that thing!”. It’s easy to have those thoughts, especially when I am writing and stuff, I end up thinking about things so often. You constantly go through things in your head. I am working out my brain a lot, but my body not so much because I am sitting at a computer all day working. And then I go to bed, and the cycle starts again! But yeah, that’s the story behind that song! I can’t even remember writing it, it was so long ago!

You guys have been making music for more than 10 years now. If you could meet the young DZ Deathrays who are just starting, what would you tell them?

Shane: Hmm… I don’t know! I probably would have told myself to learn a bit more about recording (laughs)! When we first started, recording was such a hassle. Now that’s all I do! I just wanted to play shows, so we spent the first few years just playing gigs, and whatever we put out was like a demo. I care a lot more about recording now. When you’re putting more effort with the songs, people react to it a little bit more as well. I can’t go back and change the past, it’s been a really good 10 years. It’s been hard work, but I think Simon always said “we’ll see where we’re at in 10 years, and if we’re done with it, let’s leave it. But if we’re not done and we’ve got ideas still, then let’s keep going.” Last year we’ve done a 10-year tour in Australia, and we had written up all these songs for this next album. Lachlan has been writing as well, and it just sparked everything. We thought “let’s keep going, do a couple more albums”. We’ll see what we do next after these ones!

What can we expect from DZ Deathrays in the future?

Lachlan: The part 2! A lot more guitar on that one!

Shane: We just want to keep touring. We’ve been touring for so long, I really love it. And I love days like today, why am I here? (laughs) I would have never come to this town! But it is amazing, and it’s cool that the band brought us here for a show and then we got to climb a mountain, the Moléson! Hopefully there’s more stuff in the States and South America too!

[getseriouser]

20 THOUGHTS: Giants Pickett-apart

DID it easy. 

A Qualifying Final against the softest draw recipient in memory, into a Preliminary Final with a completely false minor premier, finishing with a Grand Final facing, well, you saw how competitive Saturday was.

All without Alex Rance, like it didn’t matter in the end.

Great side though, clearly the best team in this three-year period and two flags’ reward is nothing short of what they deserve.

So season 2019 done and dusted, Grand Final in the books, and now we trade.

 1.       Firstly, some self-appeasement. Before you promote others you must be able to promote yourself. It was the night of August 13th, and we quote “Nat Fyfe, if you can get anything over $3 for the Brownlow, just remortgage the house, don’t be subtle”. Not only have we seen many readers cash in, but all the home loan re-financing in doing so has re-stimulated the economy. Brilliant.

2.       174 votes from 173 games now, that’s just insane. Two medals, and then the one he lost to Matt Priddis by a vote even though he lost a week through suspension. In a market that asks “does he win another Brownlow?” I’d happily flutter on ‘Yes’.

3.       Anyway, back to the gratuitous love bites in the mirror section of the column, many said the Giants might make this close, some even picked them. Utter trash. Last week we led with the Tigers by 5 goals plus, and the only reason we didn’t go higher was just to be nice. So for anyone who turned Fyfe winnings into Tigers 39+, well done; this isn’t just a shit hot read each week but looks after your hip pocket as well.

4.       And lastly in this real look at me section of the column, Marlion Pickett. We declared right back the mid-season draft he was a gun, a steal of a selection and would be in the Tigers’ best 22 by year’s end. Nailed that call right out of the screws, that’s four all day, out through extra cover, don’t bother running.

5.       And what a game he played whilst we’re on him, looked assured, looked like he deserved to be out there on such a stage, in such a team. In fact I know the backstory might over-elevate how one could have seen his game, but in that second term I thought he was influential as any, especially getting the ball inside 50 (led all Richmond players on the day pretty sure). I know Martin has a sexy stat line, but for making a real difference, it was Pickett who could have snared the Norm Smith easily for mine.

6.       I get the Martin BOG pick, and what a resume that is now, but the influence Pickett had in getting the ball inside 50, plus Riewoldt who hit the scoreboard just as much as Dusty, I don’t think it was as clear cut. Houli too has now had two great Grand Finals and been pipped for the Norm twice. Shouldn’t go unheralded that.

7.       Mind you, what if Jason Castagna kicks straight, is it his Norm? Seriously influential in the second, very, very noticeable indeed.

8.       Tigers were 9th at the end of Round 14. Without Rance a show of coming back. That’s just a super effort.

9.       And then the Giants, are they the second best team of the year? Probably not. West Coast? Ended up fifth and barely made it out of the second week? Collingwood? On paper, probably, but you don’t feel great about it. Sure, might have been the best opposition for Richmond on the day but it was always going to be a Tigers flag this year post bye, no-one else was going to defeat them Saturday more to the point

10.   And also on GWS, even with all those really poo years when they came into the comp fronting up with teams fresh out of the creche, that was the Giant’s lowest ever score. Incredible.

11.   Justin Longmuir gets the Freo job, yeah mad. I got nothing on that. Scotty Burns looks favourite for the Crows too. Excellent. Top notch. I too have nothing on that.

12.   Bold 2020 prediction, one that doesn’t involve the Tigers coz that’s just too easy? Carlton Collingwood Grand Final. We’re seeing a pattern of teams launching from the bottom six of the table, Richmond, Collingwood, then Brisbane this year – a very talented Carlton with a good trade period could be that next iteration. And we also tend to see a revengeful prelim final loser make amends the year after, could that be the Pies next year, to then set up an almighty Grand Final for the ages? Get around it.

13.   Trades. Now stay woke. We now have beyond saturated press on this stuff now, and most of it will be as relevant as the nutritional information on a maccas cheeseburger.

Firstly. Herald Sun reported “Essendon says Joe Daniher will be a Bomber next year”. The only quote they used from Essendon was “the facts are he’s contracted for next year”. That headline and that quote are by no means joined at the hip. Not even close. And secondly, today, "The Swan to set to push Reid out of Pies", when Ben Reid has actually re-signed for 2020, and the ‘Swan’ in question is the untried Darcy Cameron, never played a game, not the reincarnation of Barry Round. So please, don’t say you haven’t been warned.

14.   That all said, lets see. Seems like Carlton ends up with Jack Martin, Eddie Betts, then one of Dan Butler or Tom Papley. I know it might not seem like much, but with a fit Sam Docherty returning, geez, bet against Carlton making the eight next year at your peril. I know, its Carlton, but you can’t say they’re not due.

15.   Tim Kelly, wants to go to West Coast, can they make it happen, probably not? Freo definitely can, so with the Cat this year actually out of contract, he might be destined for the draft if he doesn’t go Dockers. Could end up in purple after all.

16.   Sam Powell-Pepper and Orazio Fantasia, that ends up being some sort of swap deal for sure.

17.   After all that jazz, I reckon Joe Daniher stays. Story got ahead of everyone I reckon.

18.   Gold Coast, geez, how about that for a rescue package. And it is just that, a rescue. Top of the draft priority pick this year, middle first next year, end of first the year after. Plus they get Darwin as their zone and, when it comes to academy players, they can get them without clubs making bids for them. Massive package. Ludicrous. Here’s why, bear with, I’ll keep this as short as possible:

Last year, lost Tom Lynch, but got pick 3 for it in compo, got Izak Rankine, who I think is the most talented kid of last year’s lot. They also lost Steven May to Melbourne but got pack pick 6, Ben King. So yes, seeing their ex-skipper win a flag 12 months on stings but they’re not the first to see that happen, and they’ve already been really well compensated. We move on.

2017, lost Adam Saad for a second rounder, yeah sure, too lost Ablett back to Geelong after getting him for nothing in the first place, he did give that club a Brownlow. They also had pick 2 that year but spent it on getting Lachie Weller from Freo. Exactly! Their first pick was pick 19, Will Powell, yet Tim Kelly went five picks later.

Lastly, 2016, lost Dion Prestia but got pick 7 back, lost Jaeger O’Meara but got back 10. Went to the draft with 4, 7, 9 and 10, drafted Ainsworth, Scrimshaw (left last year for Hawthorn for squat all), Brodie and Bowes. Potatoes the lot of them. Meanwhile, Richmond got Shai Bolton at 29 and Jack Graham at 53.

Futhermore, in those same three trade periods, the Giants lost Jack Steele, Cam McCarthy, Paul Ahern, Will Hoskin-Elliott, Caleb Marchbank, Jarrod Pickett, Devon Smith, Nathan Wilson, Matthew Kennedy, Will Setterfield, Tom Scully, Dylon Shiel and Rory Lobb. The only player of note they’ve gotten back for losing so many has been Tim Taranto.

And just made a Grand Final.

So there’s three things here, one, its not a Suns issue, the Giants have lost heaps too and been just fine, sure, no-one of Tom Lynch’s quality, but it stacks up. Two, they don’t need more picks or access to picks, look at their track record, it hasn’t mattered any which way. And three, yes losing Lynch stings, but they’ve already been well compensated for that, its not as if they’re not getting back to the pointy end of the draft to restock.

Summing up, the Suns just need to stop making mistakes, or move. Whether they get picks, or go for Shaun Burgoyne, whether they get pick 1 or pick 50, whatever actions they take and decisions they make, they need to be good ones. Remember when retention wasn’t a Gold Coast issue but a Queensland footy issue, funny how that disappeared so quick it kinda makes you question how real a problem it was for Brisbane in the first place? Either Chris Fagan and Luke Hodge are in essence God and Jesus respectively, or it’s a non-issue. And then the Suns package today becomes a joke.

Either the Suns get out of this mess organically and its been a waste of time and way too much hot air, or guess what, they’re still desperately shit in three years post-package and Tassie is knocking on Gil’s door asking how much more than can do.

Anyway, where were we…

 19.   Footy Show Grand Final on Wednesday rated as well in Melbourne as the Front Bar did the following night. Interesting. Watch Nine commit to something for next year, not sure what, maybe it’s the Sunday Footy Show boys or something else, but a prime time offering from Nine next year got rubber stamped essentially off those numbers. Will it work? Let’s wait and see.

20.   And for anyone who thinks rules have ruined AFL, that score review or any adjustments to the laws have made it too hard to stick with after all these years – you’ve got nothing on the Rugby World Cup. The great game of Rugby, that’s always being very hard to referee anyway with all the tackles and rucks, has become impossible and any true-blue Aussie watching the Wales game Sunday, would make any nay-sayer AFL sceptic send Steve Hocking a Christmas Card. There’s always someone worse off, I assure you.

[marlythemother]

What to do when shit hits the fan...

Would it be ok if we just slowed down for a minute? 

Early in the year, we had miscarriage after being 12 weeks pregnant. Long story short, it was a shit time but thankfully I am a relatively strong woman. I’m resilient and positive in nature so staying sad was an emotion I did not want to sit in for a long period of time. 

As weeks went on, I started to feel better. The days of random outbursts of tears lessened at work and I learnt how to manage my emotions. The way I dealt with it was continuing life as best as I could and it made me feel better. This was how I coped and being “strong” was all I knew. 

So,  I continued to work.  |I helped others with their health goals.  I participated in training, went to conferences and spoke at events to inspire others.  If my friends needed me, I was there.  I did not go on hiatus.  I was “strong”. 

Earlier in the year, in Brisbane with friends who I now call my family.

I know that some people might have thought I wasn’t dealing with grief properly but at the time, I knew one thing - staying sad does not fix shit. It doesn’t make me pregnant again and it sure as hell doesn’t pay the bills. 

So after March, I felt like I finally got back into the swing of things. I had life, love and work under control. The list was endless. 

Our house had finally finished its build; Paulo and I had just come back buzzing from our annual conference in Brisbane;  work was going well and our little family was happy.  Not to mention, we were treated to a trip to Fiji - a competition we won with other entrepreneurs. 

But then, my body started to show signs that it wasn’t coping. 

I started to bleed even though I would finish my cycle. (Apologies to the guys for the TMI if you guys are reading this). 

In my head, I was thinking “what the f#%¥ is it now?”. 

So after lots of $$$ at a special women’s ultrasound clinic, the wand highlighted that after several months, there were still remains" inside my body from the miscarriage. 

Mother f#%?*¥!!! 

Just when I was starting to get into a groove, I had another thing to clear on my plate on top of full time work, organising a new house, preparing to pack and move whilst keeping my head afloat. 

Straight after Fiji, I took my sorry ass to Royal Prince Alfred hospital and checked myself in for a curette. 

I knocked out, woke up high (my friends on insta knew how buzzed I was), carried on with life, took two days off work and returned back to back supplier meetings. 

Again, I recovered well and continued to be “strong”. Just like Mother’s continue to do, right? 

I’d think to myself, “Alright, now I can get back to getting sh*t done".

So after that ordeal, once again I felt like I finally got back into the swing of things. I had life, love and work under control. 

Then one morning in May, I randomly decided to pee on a stick. 

I remembered the day so clearly. 

I woke up, scrambled through the bathroom cabinet and grabbed a digital pregnancy test. Did my business but like a typical mum, I put it aside on the bench as the clock started to prepare the result and did some house work. I ran down stairs, went straight to the dishes and cleaned up. I went back upstairs thinking it was ready with the result as a “not pregnant” but the result was still processing.   

So downstairs I went, but this time I grabbed some clothes along the way and put on a wash. Five minutes had passed so I went to look at the screen but instead of it having the “not pregnant” sign, Lo and behold, it displayed “1-2 weeks pregnant”. 

Fuck me. That surgery must’ve been the magical pill I needed to swallow because I was super fertile after a few short weeks. 

So there I was, looking at the test in shock, with excitement and also a hint of nerves. To be honest, I think I secretly knew I was pregnant because that whole week I was going to the toilet heaps and I was tired at work (and I’m NEVER tired at work). 

Back to the story, I told my a few of my closest friends and I was so over the moon to have pregnancy symptoms. 

The frequent pissing, the tiredness, my boobs blowing up like balloons, my insatiable appetite and feeling nauseous - yes betches, give it to me! I was on top of the world. 

Each time I went to the toilet, I’d quickly check the tissue and prep myself for bad news just in case - but nothing. Happy days. 

Life was good and I based this from toilet tissues and the nausea I was feeling. 

Then one early morning at work, the tissue from the toilet at a tinge of red. 

Mother f#%?*¥!!! 

“Ok.. don’t panic”, I told myself. 

I gave myself another 30 minutes and then went to the toilet to check the tissue post tinge. Nothing. Phew! All clear. 

Nonetheless, I carried on to work until I felt it coming. If you’re a woman, you know the feeling. It’s the moment you can feel it beginning. Back to the toilet and it’s red. More like bright red. 

I had a blank stare. I walked through the work corridor and put on a brave face in front of my colleagues when I really just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up from this nightmare.

I called my doctor to say I was dropping by, quietly packed my stuff, told my boss a lie and said “I’m not feeling well” and took my sorry ass to the medical centre. The doctor recommended a series of blood tests to check my HCG pregnancy levels but something inside told me not to bother. So I went home and slept the whole afternoon off. 

A few days before Mother’s Day, I experienced another miscarriage. 

A perfect picture of a mum juggling life's plates.

It wasn’t as physically painful as the other but emotionally it beat me up and this time, I decided to take a different route. 

I chose to sit in the pain and slow down instead of cover it with activities. Even though it’s hard to be still, I wanted to take the chance to soak in the pain so I could use it as fuel to rebirth myself and make myself unstoppable. A person who was truly strong with an unshakable force that could live a life of purpose - something I’ve desired for the whole of my life. 

Surprisingly, this led me to think of what I wanted, what I enjoyed and how I want to be remembered. 

The things that brought me joy was service, contribution and helping others. No surprises there. 

Because of this, each day I’m doing things to make a difference to help mums be the best versions of themselves and it can be whatever they want it to be too. It isn’t under my terms at all. It could be a healthier body, living a lifestyle that doesn’t stress them, a better diet, a calmer mind, less yelling, more confident or happier being. It can be whatever they want and my job will be to be a little nudge or a big fat push into the direction they want to be in. 

So if you see my tips, random posts or FB lives, read it, tune it, comment, scroll ahead, roll your eyes, unfollow me or unfriend me but know you know why. 

What I’ve endured in the last 6 weeks led to me being in the “slow” lane for this brief period of my life and I’m forever grateful for it. If it wasn’t through this time alone, I wouldn’t have had this realisation and ultimately, what I focus on now and the lives I help over the next decades will fulfil my life’s purpose. 

To the mums who are reading this and can relate to a piece of me, especially the part of being “strong” for the sake of the family, I wanted to know you’re amazing. 

However when shit hits the fan, although your usual instinct is to "carry on", maybe for once, sit in the emotion and slow down. Feel the hurt but don’t allow it to break you. 

Your family will still love you, the friends who were meant to be in your life will never have left and your skin will grow thicker over time. 

Know that you are much resilient than you think and most importantly - please remember, sometimes things fall apart so that better things can come together.

Lots of love, Marls x