#maybe it will b my reward after hustling on work all day

[meep--tm]

i reinstalled stardew valley after bouncing off it hard last time i tried it (i last played it in 2021 and played 28 hrs) i wanna get it . i wanna enjoy it

[nocturne-overtures]

Kinktober Day 5-Bad Influences

Pairing: Lee Minhyuk (BTOB)/Lee Felix

Prompt: Daddy Kink, Spanking, Cumming From Punishment

WC: 2k+

Genre(s)/AU(s): Smut, Idolverse, Fluff

TWs: Swearing

SWs: Daddy Kink, Pet Names, Spanking (Hand and Paddle), Marking (Imprints), Bratty Sub, Teasing, Semi-Public, Sexual Punishment, Stoplight System, Dominant Idol, Submissive Idol, BDSM Overtones, Praise Kink, Pain Kink, Crying, Aftercare

Everything here is Safe, Sane, and Consensual as always, folks

A/N: I also have the tagged folks according to your preferences so if you’re someone who asked to be tagged in btob works, skz works, or both and included member x member works, then beep boop you’re gettin tagged. Also this is set during Kingdom filming

AO3

New! taglist moved to the bottom of the work. if you’d like to be added to the taglist for this or my other works, feel free to fill out the form here after reading the full post. ©Nocturne-Overtures. do not repost, translate, or use my works.

Kinktober 2021 Masterlist

Day 4                  Day 6

Network Pings: @kdiarynet @kwritersworld @kpopscape

Minhyuk was many things. 

Easily riled up, was not one of them. 

No, he was a very meticulous man. Took his time analyzing situations with a deceptive smile on his face, feigning aloofness while he sorted his thoughts. 

Think, before you act. Always. 

It was a lesson Felix hadn’t quite grasped yet, deciding he was going to follow after his friends’ footsteps and try provoking Minhyuk into action. 

Had he been learning bad behaviours from Wooyoung, Sanghyuk, and Sunwoo? Definitely. 

Unfortunately for Felix, Minhyuk had the benefit of age and experience on his side. He loved his boyfriend, no doubt, but he wasn’t so swooned and whipped that he’d crack like San. He wasn’t a switch in any capacity, so the tables didn’t get turned on him like with Youngbin. And he surely didn’t get flustered or caught out by misbehaviour like Sangyeon. 

So when Felix took to subtly brushing against him as they passed backstage for filming, when he sent him suggestive photos while changing costumes, the times he’d appear at Cube, an innocent smile on his freckled face as he sat directly in Minhyuk’s lap, pouting and chattering about how much he wished he could have fun with Minhyuk whenever he wanted like the others-

Minhyuk only hummed, kissing the top of Felix’s head. Today they were in the older man’s home, resting before the upcoming field day event.

“We only have a few more weeks of filming. I’ll be sure to stop by more often.”

“I mean...we have time now so-”

Felix pouted and looked up, shifting beside him on the couch, his freckled cheeks slightly puffed out. 

“Are you going to keep doing that?”

Minhyuk cocked a brow. 

“Doing what?” 

“Not…” Felix trailed off, making a small frustrated noise. Minhyuk cocked a brow, an amused noise leaving his lips. 

“Not what, baby? Fucking you?” 

Felix nodded and Minhyuk set the pen he had in his hand down, closing the notebook to the raps he was writing and humming. 

“Why do you think I haven’t fucked you, Felix?”

“I don’t know! I’ve been trying and-” he cut himself off, lips pursing.

Minhyuk couldn’t help the chuckle that left his lips, a deep rumble resonating from his chest as he looked at Felix in amusement. 

“C’mon to my room. I’ll tell you why it didn’t work.” 

Felix perked and nodded eagerly, hustling after him, practically on Minhyuk’s heels. 

How he ended up here, sprawled out across Minhyuk’s lap with the older man humming and rubbing his ass was another story. Felix blushed, looking up, expecting Minhyuk to finger him and prep him. Instead, he had his head lightly tilted up, looking into Felix’s eyes. 

Instantly, the younger man realized-finally-that he may have been in trouble, eyes widening. 

“Um-”

“Would you like to explain now? Or would you prefer to take your punishment as I explain to you what you did wrong?"

Felix shrunk a bit, cheeks flared. 

“I can let you go and let you explain yourself. Or I can spank you and I tell you why you’re in trouble.”

Felix looked into his eyes. Minhyuk never moved his gaze from his. He was giving him a choice. He always did. Felix looked back, finding a small leather paddle sitting beside Minhyuk’s thigh while his large hand lie rested on Felix’s ass, unmoving for now. 

He shied and nodded. 

“I’m staying here.” 

“Do you remember our system?”

“Yes, Daddy.”

Minhyuk nodded, a pleased sound leaving his lips. 

“Good.” 

He grabbed the paddle, rubbing Felix’s ass in circles before he brought the paddle down hard on his ass. Felix jolted and yelped, though Minhyuk kept him in his lap with his free hand wrapped securely around Felix’s waist. 

“You don’t have to count this time. But Daddy wants you to know that following after the other Brats is why that pretty ass is in trouble.”

Felix yipped at the second, then third hit, cheeks flushing as he felt the leather rub over his sore cheek between Minhyuk’s talking. 

“I j-just wanted you t-to….to…” He flushed and lowered his head. Minhyuk tapped his ass with the paddle. 

“Lift your head. You wanted me to what?”

“F-fuck me. They...they said being bratty and teasing works all the time for them and-fuck!” He cursed and jolted when his untouched cheek was struck, Minhyuk’s grip still strong around his waist. 

“There’s a difference between their Doms and Daddy, kitten.” he lightly scolded, his voice never going above the volume of his normal speaking tone. Felix bowed his head down. 

“S-sorry, Daddy.” Minhyuk hummed and rubbed his ass. 

“Are you?”

Felix nodded before whimpering and dropping his head once more when another hard spank fell to his ass. He could feel something on the paddle, like...an outline? Though the paddle was never pressed to his sore ass long enough for him to distinguish what it is. Minhyuk took care to rub him between spanks with the smooth end of the paddle. 

“Pick your head up, baby.” Minhyuk reminded him. Felix shuddered and muttered a quick apology before Minhyuk paused. 

“Are you alright?”

Felix nodded. 

“What’s your color, baby?”

“Green.” 

Minhyuk kissed his head before he continued. 

“I’m not San, or Youngbin, I’m not Sangyeon either. Who am I?”

“Minhyuk-hyung.”

A light tap to his ass from the paddle had Felix’s hips jolt, anticipating a full hit before he blushed. He realized he was hard, his cock pressed fully against Minhyuk’s leg. 

When had he gotten hard?

“Who am I, Felix?” He asked again. 

“M-My Daddy.” 

“Good. So Daddy is going to tell you, the best way to get him to fuck you, is to ask.” the paddle was discarded without a word, Minhyuk’s calloused hand squeezing and kneading both of Felix’s cheeks. 

“I won’t reward you with my cock for being a brat, Felix.” he scolded him, his hand coming down on Felix’s left cheek. A scream of surprise left his mouth and he nearly scrambled out of Minhyuk’s lap, his cock jumping against the fabric of the older man’s gym shorts. Minhyuk loosened his grip, giving him the chance to get out of it if he wanted to. 

Felix shook his head and settled back down, slightly panting as tears gathered in the corner of his eyes. 

“Color?”

“G-Green.”

Minhyuk hummed, sitting in silence for a few minutes, just groping and kneading the heated skin under his hand. Felix kept his head up like asked, though his thighs shook from his position across Minhyuk’s lap. The older man took notice, pulling him forward a bit more, spreading his long legs so he could support Felix a bit better. 

Once Felix had stopped shaking as much, Minhyuk continued. 

“Do you want to be a brat, Felix?”

Felix shook his head, groaning at the next spank, the tears rolling down his cheek as he clenched and unclenched his fists. 

“N-No, Daddy!”

“No? Not gonna try and be like Sunwoo and grind on me backstage like he does with Sangyeon?” 

Felix shook his head quickly, his hair stuck to his face and neck from the sweat that began to build up on his body. 

“What about sitting in my lap during meetings with the others? Mmm? Is it fair to tease Daddy like the others do? Do you think you should have my cock after being such a tease like that?” he inquired. Felix shook his head once more, biting his lip and all but thrusting against Minhyuk’s leg with the next jolt from his spank, his entire body flushed. 

He’d gotten hard, painfully so. Part of him feared he’d cum just from this. 

“D-Daddy-”

Minhyuk’s hand froze midair, attentive brown eyes looking down immediately. 

“What is it, baby? Do you want to stop?”

“N-No I…M...maybe? I feel like I’m going to cum and I don’t wanna be bad.”

Minhyuk’s eyes twinkled with mirth. 

“You’re gonna cum from your punishment?”

Felix shook his head quickly, embarrassed. 

“Felix. Be honest baby.” 

He flushed before nodding a moment later. 

“Do you want to cum?” 

He lifted his head, looking back at him with big eyes still teary from the pleasured pain thrumming through his cheeks. 

“I was bad.”

“I think you learned your lesson, personally. So I’ll ask you again. Do you want to cum?”

Felix nodded. 

“Yes, Daddy, please?”

“See? Those are the manners Daddy is looking for.” Minhyuk grabbed a few pillows, letting Felix rest his head on them before he resumed his spanking, growling between each strike. 

“Your ass looks pretty like this, baby. The red makes your freckles stand out. Go ahead, you can cum for me.” 

Felix could barely decipher his words between the sound of skin hitting skin and his own moaning and pleasured cries, his cock painfully hard between his legs. Minhyuk had growled something in particular, along the lines of Felix being his ‘cute pain slut’ before the younger man saw stars, cumming messily all over Minhyuk’s lap, his legs and thighs shaking as he nearly slipped to the floor from the force of it. 

Minhyuk held him tighter, keeping him steady as he picked him up, laying with Felix settled in his arms. 

He was careful, brushing Felix’s hair back and cooing sweet nothings to him as he sobbed against his chest. 

“You’re alright, baby boy. You did well for me.”

“B-But I was a brat-”

“Mmm. You were. And you took your punishment well. So, you’re a good boy. Hey, look at me,” Minhyuk waited until Felix’s sniffles subsided into little hiccups, the pained pleasure an overwhelming first time feeling for him. Minhyuk wiped his cheeks and kissed him gently. 

“You did so well. Let Daddy take care of you, okay?”

Felix nodded and held onto his arms as he stood, carrying him off to shower off. Minhyuk laughed and waved off the hasty apologies as Felix noticed him putting his shorts in the wash. 

“Don’t apologize to me, baby boy.” 

One magnolia scented, aloe-infused bath later, and Felix was on his stomach, eyes closed as Minhyuk gently massaged lotion over his cheeks. 

He was careful of his strength and there was no skin broken, but Felix had noted-in sheer delight-that Minhyuk’s paddle actually did have indentations, and they actually were hearts. Now his freckled bottom sported not only Minhyuk’s handprint to the left and a row of hearts to the right. 

“So...I think I have a spanking kink.” Felix mused tiredly as Minhyuk got him settled on his chest, putting on Deadpool for them to enjoy, since it had been one of Felix’s favorites. Minhyuk laughed and kissed him, holding his waist once he was sure Felix was warm and covered by the blanket. 

“I noticed.”

-xoxo-

So the field day was a completely different experience. 

Minhyuk felt a sense of pride as Felix waddled forward amongst the cheers that he had been voted as one of their top three visuals. The man looked around, pointing at himself through his slightly overgrown sweater and the older couldn’t hold back the happy exclamation of Felix’s name as he shuffled forward. 

He genuinely was surprised when they announced him for the number one of their visual kings, but he took it nonetheless, catching Felix mimicking his showboating from the corner of his eye.

How cute.

“They ended up voting for each other!”

Minhyuk turned, pointing at Felix as the younger man bowed deeply, flustered at having been chosen. 

He should have known Minhyuk would’ve chosen his baby boy above all else, but that’s beside the point. 

“Hey Felix, good boy.” 

Felix flushed and bowed again, and Minhyuk was approached later as they began to help staff clean up, the sun having gone down and the festivities over. 

“Hyung?” 

Minhyuk looked up at him, tilting his head. 

“Yes, Felix-ah?” he inquired, glancing around. The others were busy hustling to help staff so they could all rest up, leaving the two relatively alone. Felix adjusted his pink sleeves and looked up at him. 

“Uh...can I come over this weekend? For...um…’practice?’”

Minhyuk took it for what it was, a proud and knowing smirk tugging at his lips. 

“Yeah, of course.”

Taglist----

@not-majestic-bluenicorn @kimnamshiks @atiny-dazzlinglight @queenofhimbos @daisyhwa @gettin-a-lil-hanse @yunhofingers @stormiestories @billboard-singer @sweetutopia @lovely-devil6 @babiebumm @jacksons-goddess-gaia @storytimedragon @netcookie @seomisaho 

[callistolivia]

Hey! What would you say about a taurus mars in 5th house? Taurus makes mars lazy but mars works good in 5th house. I also have aries stellium but I dont fell active at all. I usually take very long to mentally prepare for something and procrastinate a lot even after that. Can Taurus mars be that overpowering? I don't have any other placements which particularly drains my energy except maybe moon square jupiter and my mars squares Uranus. What do you think?

So, there’s a reason why Taurus is Mars’ detriment placement and it’s essentially this exactly. Mars demonstrates a huge component to one’s physical capacities. Individuals with this placement struggle with fatigue, overindulgence, procrastination, and finding motivation. 

Mars in the 5th house in itself is great artistically speaking because it demonstrates a lot of physical energy carried out in 5th house endeavors. However, with Taurus part of the equation, there’s a tendency for distraction and a draw to pleasure. Mars here doesn’t really want to do anything unless instant dopamine is involved.

One way to sort of “aid” this is diet. Incorporate more iron rich foods and vitamin B complex into your diet for energy. Berries are usually good for brain function as well. I advise this based on my own experience with Mars in detriment (my Mars is in Libra, I have a grand trine, and I’m a fire dominant. I have to mentally prepare for basically everything I do, I sleep 10+ hours a day when I can, and physical activity needs to be mentally stimulating... Whether that be the satisfaction of cleaning the house or going for a walk somewhere scenic– there needs to be a reward involved).

Another angle to look at this is that there is literally nothing wrong with the way you are, this is your body’s rhythm and as long as you’re taking care of yourself, you don’t need to see this as a negative thing. There is an overwhelming pressure from so many different societies around the world that we as a human race need to be constantly hustling, achieving our goals as soon as possible/as young as possible, and doing things in general. This is just not an accurate representation of reality. There are a lot of people on this planet whose strength is just sitting and thinking/dreaming/meditating/listening/observing. Take it easy and take the time if your body asks for it. There’s no rule on this planet that we need to do more than eat, sleep, and love. 

Just to add some “pros” to Mars in Taurus: -Patience -Careful consideration for how goals are to be completed -Ideas are much more fleshed out compared to others, when the idea comes to fruition -placid temper (Though I definitely could see Mars square Uranus demonstrating the opposite at times)

[velvet-tread]

Unfiltered sweary mess: 507 edition

I had thoughts so I decided to this again. Let’s hope it doesn’t become a habit.

Let’s start with the Bellarke of it all, and the sheer joy of seeing them hustle up a plan together on the fly. AND LISTEN I am not on the #bellamysucksnow train, or the #bellarkeisdead train either and as such fair warning there is squee incoming. It feels like the core of the show has returned to us after s4’s barren years and IT IS GREAT. And honestly? I don’t care that romance isn’t in the air between them RIGHT NOW. I thought I would mind but I don’t. It feels right. It feels true to Bellamy, and it feels true to Clarke, and it feels exactly like the vibe I’d expect and want between two characters who love and respect each other and their choices, who have been apart for so long and need to reconnect. Let’s do right by Clarke and Bellamy, yeah? We’ve waited for 4 seasons (the last of which gave us sweet fa) we can wait a little longer.

And seriously, even if it turns out they are just beautiful co-leaders with a lot of professional respect for each other (yeah RIGHT) they could never, ever kill that relationship for me as long as they are in scenes together like this. I don’t care if they don’t bang (call me out on my lies someone), but the concurrent Bellarke scenes in the dining hall, and the triffid room, and then on Echo-watch just gave me so many OTP vibes. Bellarke are at their most effective when they’re together, even better when they have the support of their genius friends. And we got a return of the Bellarke dry-as comedy double act WTF @the100writersroom are you trying to be good at your jobs or something.

Top bantz, as we’d say in Essex.

Too bad the Bellarke unity ain’t gonna last, but thankfully, Bellarke are just as awesome when they are just…very angry and exasperated with each other ok, but DON’T HURT YOUR PRECIOUS SELF I MAY BE FURIOUS BUT WHEN DID YOU LAST SLEEP AND DO YOU NEED SOMETHING TO EAT

Great to have Monty back in the frame cutting through everyone’s bullshit. I thought he’d been relegated to a bit part this season. Oh ye of little faith. Does anyone realise that Monty is the biological weapon earth forgot? Put that angry face in a room with Octavia and see how long it takes for her to crack and wither from Monty’s externalised disappointment with everyone and everything.

Bellamy burning Octavia ow ow ow. I’ve already spoken about this at some length but damn that hurt. And it was deserved, but still spoke to the depth of his contempt for Blodreina.

Which brings me to…BELLARKE V BLODREINA: GRUDGE MATCH

And man, was this grudge match some time coming. To make sure the audience was VERY CLEAR on EVERYONE’S MORAL STANDING, the show helpfully prepped us with some little reminders that Bellamy helped commit a massacre, and Clarke did a load of horrible human testing in Becca’s lab last season. Thanks show.

So, all armed and loaded, the mud slinging began, and boy was it awesome.  First of all Bellarke takes Octavia to task about the worms and TURNS OUT OCTAVIA DIDN’T KNOW which get a grip on power here Octavia because it’s slipping from your grasp faster than you can say Wonkru Barbecue (shoutout to @mego42 – your time is coming). But Miller obviously watched the earlier part of the show and recapped for Octavia just in time because she’s ready for that shit and fires everyone’s dark past back at them. Cue: Bellamy’s best frowny face and Eliza Taylor’s saddest, most regretful Clarke eyes.

Bellarke disarmed and cowed (for now) live to fight another war they don’t want to fight.

But Octavia’s grudge match continues in her office when Indra enters with the intention of being reasonable, which is exactly the kind of shit Blodreina has warned her about before so help her god.

Indra is, obviously, the Queen of Everything and My Heart and delivers some bitchass Truths as Indra is wont to do and Octavia rewards her by throwing what my mind remembers as a skull but was probably a paperweight because why would Octavia have a skull in her office *nervous laughter*

Indra leaves, still Queen of Everything and My Heart, but not before delivering a portentous warning about losing yourself in the dark, which obviously Octavia is not going to listen to because DAUGHTERS, MAN.

Talking of daughters, Madi trying to suck at training was the most adorbs thing I’ve seen in a long time, guys and I am subscribed to a LOT of cat blogs. And man I felt for her. Sucking at anything sucks, and sucking on PURPOSE is just the height of unfair. And she’s in a new school! And the other kids are mean! And maybe they eat people!

Serious question though: from whence did Madi learn her swordswomanship? Clarke? Helios? Roan? (too soon?).

But don’t blame Clarke, Madi! Clarke’s Madi feels are pretty much on a par with mine which means she wants to cry every time she looks at her earnest little face AND CLARKE I FEEL THAT SO HARD YOUR BABY IS ADORABADASS. Which also means MAMA MODE ACTIVATED when Vodka Aunt Octavia starts messing up that precious braid she put in Madi’s hair earlier.

Hey Vodka Aunt, you don’t just get to come in here and make executive choices about Madi’s career, especially given your past efforts at parenting *looks at Ethan*

Oh, oh, oh and WE GOT A RETURN OF THE MUSICAL INTERLUDE! It was like Knocking on Heaven’s Door and Early Seasons feels all over again. But I gotta say Jason, fresh from the Sense8 finale my musical interlude expectations are higher these days and I was a bit disappointed there wasn’t a dance off. Perhaps an orgy or an endgame B/C/E triad instead? *Wanheda jaw clench*

But anyway that whole sequence of Clarke sending Madi off to her first day of training sent me in to a spiral of sadness that lasted for a lot of minutes I wasn’t counting. It was very sad and I am sad about it. Poor Clarke.  Just as well Octavia helped her remember she’s motherfucking Wanheda.

MY GIRL ECHO MY GIRLING UP THE HOUSE.

Let’s just take a moment to appreciate what a babe Echo kom Spacekru nee Azgeda is.  First of all: EVIDENCE OF SPACE GIRL SQUAD and I am all here for that. Second of all Echo is officially the first person on the show to get one over of Colonel Charmaine Diyoza SOMEONE GET ME A FUCKING SHOT.

And listen up everyone who bashes at their keyboards dribbling with rage about the things other women like on television: I love ladies with swords and if you want an apology for that you’ll have to prise it out of my cold dead body. But can we just take a (second) moment to appreciate that for all of Echo’s badass sword skills, she is Clarke Griffining up this joint like a motherfucker. Echo is as Slytherin as Clarke and as sneaky as Clarke and as smart as Clarke and that manoeuvre she executed with Zeke and Raven was 100% a Clarke Griffin move, don’t @ me.

It’s almost like….they’re similar….on purpose….

Shout out to all the smart, insecure girls who aren’t sure if they belong. Learn to swordfight, use your brain, and get yourself a girl squad and a soft space dad boyfriend.

Sidebar: Clarke’s faith that Echo would take the eye down and her admiration when she does will keep me in Clecho feels for months.

But friends…I am the most fervent of Echo stans and Becho shippers and I am AFEARED. She is very much circling the abyss here and it gives me a sick feeling in my stomach. I believe Raven will forgive her (FOR WHAT CAN SOMEONE PLS ENLIGHTEN ME AS TO WHAT RAVEN IS SO PISSED ABOUT??) and I believe the rest of Spacekru will 100% understand what she did because it was presented to us as an understandable choice.  But but but… what’s next?  Diyoza ain’t gonna take the turn the other cheek approach to learning that Echo took down her eye in the sky. What if her next move is to make *Echo* her eyes in exchange for safe passage for Spacekru?

*sweats forever*

That seems like a Diyoza move. And like…where would that leave Echo with Bellamy? Her choice would be: tell him and risk the whole mission and/or turn him into a lying liar to his sister too, or not tell him and risk their entire relationship and hurt him very badly. I think I know which one my loyal girl would choose and how that would end.

Fuck fuck fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck.

*ugly crying*

I’m not ready.

Okay it’s time for a Raven rant. What the hell is going on with Raven this season? Raven has had some beautifully executed arcs in the past, and I am high key here for her to finally get some NC-17 action now she’s done all that Work On Herself, but if Raven’s arc in s5 amounts to RAVEN DIDN’T GET BONED FOR 6 YEARS AND NOW SHE’S GETTING BONED then Imma flip a table.

Sidebar#2 obviously Raven got boned on the Ring, it’s not like they would have had a space orgy without her, come ON.

And just… I’m sorry I don’t get the Zaven. When they released the s5 pics I thought WOWZA these two are gonna be gr9 together and LOOK HE’S A SPACE EXPLORER. How could this possibly go wrong?  But somehow, they’ve managed to introduce a character who, on his own, is 10x as compelling as Wick, but has about -100% of the chemistry with Raven. Which is???? Some kind of alchemy??? how has that happened? I love Zeke! I love Raven!!! They’re both MAGNETIC on screen. On paper they should be a perfect fit but it’s like whenever they’re in the same scene together I have the sudden urge to check my emails.

And someone, please, just tell me what work Zaven is doing for either of these characters. What’s Raven’s conflict? How does Zeke resolve it? Is it *literally* Raven being presented with a hot dude with a similar skill set? Sorry I’m out.

And before anyone comes at me with the usual packet of whining about how Echo has stolen all of Raven’s screentime, I’d beg you all to remember that there is no law saying that one woman’s time on tv has to be at the expense of another and this is a GIANT SEXIST TRAP DO NOT FALL FOR IT.

Talking of out, Kabby is also circling the drain and [averts eyes from discourse].

But I’m calling Diyoza’s ship name, and if she bangs Kane I hereby pronounce it TEQUILA [whatever Kane’s ship name is, someone hmu].

OK I need to talk about Gaia now before I get shot down by a thunderbolt. The girl creeps me tf out but I SOMEHOW LOVE HER NOW. This is new and unnerving because feverish religious types are not usually my jam ESPECIALLY if they present Clarke’s daughter with a creepy sacred flash drive that they want to insert in her neck, but somehow Tati Gabrielle nails that line, even if my reaction seeing the Flame was exactly the same as my reaction to seeing the worms.

But I believe Gaia’s intentions, while creepy, are pure. And WHO PICKED UP on how fluid her loyalty is? She will serve Blodreina faithfully as long as she reigns. Huh.

In other news McCreary, and more importantly McCreary’s undercut, were absent from this episode I hope they are both enjoying Memori’s couples counselling retreat. I look forward to seeing his glazed expression next week as I cry my Becho tears.

[cosmosogler]

hi guys it’s 10:30 i was looking at comics. i really like comics.

i woke up on time. i somehow ended up getting to the office actually late though? i’m not sure where the time went. maybe i spent too long making breakfast, i dunno.

i taught my class. one student told me she had been in one of my classmates’ sections the other week. i remember taylor told me about that. i kinda knew who it had been right away. not sure why she’s such a huge sammie fan. i told her i wanted to cut my hair but i’d leave it long enough for bows because bows are “kind of my look now i guess.” she said it was definitely my look. 

i had one student who was real concerned about his grade. i felt like i’d been real unfair to him... i helped him out this week by looking through his lab report and making sure he had answered all the questions and i caught one mistake for him. i can’t just give him a 100, but... i understand that he’s putting in effort and i want to reward that but i also need to be fair to my other students and i ALSO need to hit a certain grade average or else people who earned an a are going to be assigned b.

at the end of the class the girl asked who my favorite student was (highly implying it should be her). i said i like each of them equally. she pushed me further so i grinned and said i couldn’t pick favorites, but i also couldn’t lie to her. she thought i was gonna compliment her but instead i said they are all my favorites. the girl at the table behind us smirked.

i WANT to give them all an a. but suzanne does that and she really had to crank up her grade thresholds, which i find really unfair to the students. it’s kind of unfair to force the class average to be a certain number even if the students are genuinely doing well. but i also understand that it’s to try to account for all of us having different teaching styles and skills and grading preferences. they basically turn us loose on these poor undergraduates with no training other than “we have done the lab ourselves.”

anyway after that i went to my appointment with the care area. we got my medical drop paperwork finalized and sent a last thing to my professor, who needs to sign off on my dropped course approval. and... annie told me it’s done, as much as i have control over at least. i have no more work to do on this “project.” i feel... too open-ended, i guess. it’s disorienting to work toward a goal and then actually reach it, and in a really timely manner too. annie complimented how well i’ve handled everything. i gave her a list of the steps i’ve taken to improve my situation and she asked some questions. i think i was mostly just talking though and then we spent like 15 minutes trying to fix her computer so she could send the email to my professor. i didn’t have to make a follow up appointment, but i let her know i’d call and schedule something if a problem came up with my tuition waiver or if my meeting with the individual therapist didn’t go well so we could get me set up with the counseling center for next semester.

then i biked over to the pharmacy and picked up my meds. i googled my therapist just to confirm the address and then hopped on a bus over to the other side of town! i had to bike up a big old hill and then i got to where google said her office would be. 

it was a law firm. i checked that her name was correct. it was. the person at the desk there was extremely confused. i got sent next door to an in-house care specialist and that wasn’t right either. they sent me to the other side of the parking lot to the autism center. i asked them what was going on and the lady behind the counter there googled the therapist and found the same exact address i did. 

i scrolled through my phone texts trying to figure out what the problem was and then i realized that the insurance web site had given a different address than google. her actual office is 17 blocks north of my apartment complex, which was on the other other side of town. i was gonna cry.

i hustled back down to the bus stop and caught the bus headed the other way. FORTUNATELY i had left for the office just over an hour early so i still had 15 minutes before i was gonna be late. i called karin and told her what had happened. i also learned how to put my bike on the front of the bus, which was an adventure and ended up with me getting whacked in the back of the head by my own handlebars. and also taking a tire to my shirt more than once. my good ice cream shirt that i had just given a stain treatment.

it looks like it’s fine but i was unhappy about the road dirt getting under my fingernails and everything.

it took a half hour to get across town and sprint-bike up the 17 blocks to her office. i don’t think i’ve biked that fast in my life and i even kept hitting red lights.

her name wasn’t on the office sign at the side of the road marking the address. i frowned. there were cats at the back door on the porch. they were nice enough but i didn’t have time to stop to pet them. i was 15 minutes late.

inside there was a bunch of the typical crystal healing stuff. i saw a flyer for “lymph drainage cleansing” or something like that. that put me on edge a little bit, considering the last therapist i had who was into that stuff back in march.

karin herself was eager to get down business though. i filled out a page of paperwork and got my insurance squared away. i ran through a list of current problems i was having (lack of energy, mostly, and having a hard time managing to get stuff done with what energy i do have) and what i was doing about them. she asked if there were any other ways i could streamline my homework/grading process and i didn’t have any ideas right then. i talked about my family a little bit and told her my mother and brother were coming to visit next wednesday. she said she’d really like to see me again before that happens so i’m seeing her again in a week. i like her well enough for now.

we only got to talk for a half hour but she let me fill out the majority of my paperwork after the appointment instead. the writing was so blurred and tiny that i had trouble figuring out what some of the questions were and had to cross out initial answers when i figured out what this or that word was. then i groaned because i realized my backpack and everything in it were still back at the office. so i biked the 30 blocks back to campus, sat around feeling exhausted, had a snack, and then came back home at around 7 (...?), which was way longer than i wanted to take. i was so tired, trying to get up the hill on the way home. even getting to the second stoplight was just... i was out of breath.

i notice that i can make way sharper left turns than right turns. i wonder what’s up with that.

when i got home i made myself some dinner, and made my pasta salad for the rest of the week, and changed out snoopy’s litter box. publix only sells the disposable ones so i got a replacement last weekend... while i was out by the trash chute i looked out over the courtyard. it was a little chilly. hard to remember i live in the middle of florida, with the cold nibbling at my arms. the tall buildings across the street looked surreal. the whole courtyard was so empty i had trouble remembering how many people live here. i caught someone using the elliptical in the gym through the window though so at least there was one human in my field of vision. 

after that i watched one youtube video i had bookmarked earlier (out of the four- three are gonna be reasonably watchable, the last one is like an hour long and i don’t think i’ll be able to get to it for a long while), and the rest of the night was COMMENTARY!! AND COMICS!!!

(like an hour.)

i let my leisure time cut into my journal writing/bed time though. i just don’t feel like i have enough of it to really feel like i relaxed or took some time to myself every day. like a full time job is eight hours a day, five days a week. grad school has been 9-11 hours a day, 6 days a week. some weeks, six and a half days. and... i know that grad school is hard and i’m not supposed to have free time. but like... i need to rest, you know? my body and my brain are falling apart.

while i was at my office hour in the lab help session today jennica came in to hang out. i told her that i don’t know how they do it. how they get all the homework done even when they only start on the last possible day. she said they just don’t sleep. i said i don’t really have that option and she said “you’re a grad student, you don’t get sleep any more.”

i said “if i don’t sleep enough every night i literally will die.” 

she thought i was joking so i told her if i don’t get enough sleep for too long i start seeing weird stuff that freaks me out and i hurt myself. she said oh. it was... part of why i wasn’t doing well at villanova my first two years of college. the second year it was more because of irregular sleep than lack of it. and, you know, everything else that was going wrong with my life.

i think i burned myself out in high school really bad. like i thought i was young and springy and i didn’t NEED to sleep, i had so many other fun things to do!! internet people to talk to!!! stories to write!!!! i was lucky to get five hours of sleep most nights. i did that for like three years. most nights. things didn’t start getting spooky until my body straight up quit one morning and i almost passed out at our morning assembly. i had to go to the hospital for a few hours and get checked out and everything. the doctor told me i wasn’t drinking enough and that i had to take a whole day doing nothing but drinking tons of fruit juice and gatorade and water. 

after that i carried a water bottle around everywhere. i still do. it helps me remember to stay hydrated.

but the sleeping problems persisted through undergrad. it gets kinda rough trying to rest at my parents’ house too. and it really did wear out my health for several years straight after those first few years of high school. but i’m doing way better now.

but apparently grad students don’t get to sleep i guess? 

my anxiety really does stay under control way better when i get regular sleep though. eight hours is ideal, seven hours is... ok for maybe five days and then it gets bad. i don’t get much more out of nine hours than i do eight... and i need every extra hour of being awake i can get.

i dunno. one good thing today is that when i was resting at the office before trying to tackle the ride home, i was talking to luis about homework i guess. rebika keeps asking if i’ve finished the homework the day before it’s due and it’s like, rebika, i am still three weeks behind, please stop. i told her something like that finally, i said something like i’d get it done when i could and i was keeping the professors informed. she asked if she could do that too and i asked what steps she was taking to remedy her situation. she said none and taylor joked that that would be too responsible. he kinda glanced at me when he said that.

it’s just, it’s nice to get the feeling that my classmates have faith in me. that they believe i am working hard with the resources i have, even though i don’t feel that way. you can say you don’t care what other people think all you want, but it is a genuine relief to know that most of them know i’m doing my best and believe that. not having the silent judgment of my peers hanging over my head is a relief to me. 

i can take rebika’s judgment. she doesn’t pay enough attention for her opinion to mean much to me, even if i care about her wellbeing. luis seems to be suffering from even more intense lethargy than i do but he just doesn’t sleep i guess. i don’t usually check in with his homework situation because it stresses me out to talk about it. he’s also just really good at physics and picks up homework concepts faster than i do.

he said his grades aren’t as good as i think they are. taylor’s aren’t either. he watches a lot of anime in the office. suzanne also said her grades aren’t as good as i probably think they are. we had a conversation about the american education system as compared to, say, europe’s. like ioannis just knows all this stuff already and he gets fantastic grades. some of us (like harrison) know some of the material from undergrad, but for people like me, from fricking arizona, even the beginning of these courses was essentially new. suzanne said that being an american physics undergraduate just does not put you at the level that phd students should be at. and when you have your phd you’re still not at the level you should be at, which is why postdocs end up happening for so long i guess.

anyway. i’ve been a little cagey with my friends about what i’ve been doing, spending so much time out of the office, but it’s good to know that they, sort of, understand, maybe indirectly. like they look at me and seem to see me working hard, even though i don’t feel like i am and i feel like i spend a lot of time slacking off. (an entire half hour!!! oh no!!!!!!!)

i can’t know what they REALLY think, of course, but their behavior and wording suggest they are supportive.

[djsamaha-blog]

The 6 Things You Need To Do To Change Your Life In 2016

This is a brief snapshot of my last three years:

2013: Started the year as a Senior Director in Kraft Foods in New York; ended the year sleeping on the floor of a yoga ashram fifty miles from Madurai in a forest in South India.

2014: Started the year as an unpublished novelist with sixty rejections; ended the year with an international book deal with Penguin Random House.

2015: Started the year in my dream job as the Chief Marketing Officer of a Brooklyn based start-up; ended the year having quit the job to launch The Yoga of Maxs Discontent in the US and set up my independent income stream.

This isnt a humble-brag kind of a post. Theres no straight line of success here. Rather, its a series of starts and stops, a zig-zag line of coming more and more into myself, all of it predicated by a hunger to constantly re-invent. Re-invent. Build things, then tear them down, then build a new thing again, because stasis is not an option. If you arent moving forward, you are falling back. So if youre ready to embrace a little turbulence, and a lot of fear(that weird heady feeling of excitement in your gut), then this is your guide on how to re-invent yourself in 2016. Note, I wont tell you to exercise or meditate. You should do those everyday of course but they are enablers to the goal, not the goal itself. Dont put all your mental energy into running a 10K race. If your goal isnt so insurmountable that it slashes your insides, then its not a goal. So heres how to change your life:

1. Create (or at least to create).

If a mans life is measured by the extent of its impact on others, then dont push paper around. Create stuff thats going to enhance peoples lives. A product. An idea. Art. A book. A philosophy. A company. An agency. A new way of doing things in your job, whatever. The world will disproportionately reward the creator. Its simple supply-demand economics. 2% of people are creating art, 98% are consuming art (2001 census). 13% of people are entrepreneurs. 87% of people work for them. 10% of executives in a company create new systems, 90% follow them (Gallup). Be in the Top 2%, 10%, 13%, and get results ahead of the majority. And the results arent just financial. You lose your sense of self, experience an instant of divinity, become truly alive when you create. Stuck for ideas? Maybe its time for that long overdue sabbatical? Try it. Youll never regret it.

2. Kickstart yourside hustle.

Ive been in marketing roles with P&G, BCG etc. since 2002 so I can tell you with some confidence that the last 3-5 years are a watershed in business history. With Facebook advertising, Instagram advertising, and continued improvement in Search/Ad Words etc., you can reach the exact target audience for your passion product in incredibly cost efficient ways. Seven years ago when I launched my first novel, Keep off the Grass, my only option to reach my readers was to hire an expensive PR agency that begged media outlets for coverage. This year, when I launched The Seeker in India, I reached everyone who had read similar books at a fraction of the cost. Old models are changing. Barriers to entry are crashing. The balance of power is shifting to the Davids. If you have a passion for anything, photography, writing, playing the guitar, whatever, you have no excuses anymore. Start on the side today (2016), become excellent (2017), and youll start making good money off it in 2018 to quit your main gig in 2019. Work your guts out to become excellentthats the only requirement the world is placing on you today.

3. Read like a maniac.

Work in the morning, play with your kids in the evening, do your side hustle in the night, then from 10p.m.-midnight, read until your eyes burn. Dont read everything you can lay your hands on. Plant a seed in your mind and nurture that seed by ravishing it with the best ideas in the world. In 2015, I planted a seed in my head about creating my own independent income stream. So just like Id done in 2013 with meditation and 2014 with writing, I read 50+ books to nurture the idea. Here are 3 examples (until this year youd never have found non-fiction/self-help on my book shelf):

a. The Millionaire Fastlane (Horrible title, great book) b. The Art of Non Conformity c. Think and Grow Rich

I also readTim Ferriss’ Four Hour Work WeekandJames Altucher’s blogevery day,and I followGary Vaynerchuck on Youtube.

I don’tknow the exact impact of my reading. Perhaps I change 0.5% for every book I read. But thats the magic of compounding. If youre changing 0.5% each day, its going to add up at the end of the yearand your world will transform.

4. Avoid thebusy-ness trap.

Do you feel you are rushing too much? Or your schedule is so packed already that theres no time for a side hustle? Then, carefully scrutinize your day and ruthlessly eliminate the 80% of relationships that are adding <20% of emotional value to your life. If your stomach knots with dread but you feel you need to do something only because of social norm, then dont do it. Youre not helping anyonenot yourself, not the person youre supposedly doing things for. Remember, growth=number of difficult conversations youre having everyday. Have the tough conversations and eliminate the dross. Busy-ness is a choice. This year, I chose not to be busy by skipping happy hours and obligatory family events that leave me depressed. I still failed a few times and attended too many dinners I didnt want to go to. Im going to be even stricter with my time in 2016.

5. Become a venture-capitalist Monk.

Your side hustle is your passion. Your day job sucks. No big deal. Dont quit, dont complain. Become a venture capitalist, a Robin Hood for your own ideas. Make money in your day job and pour it into your side projects. Take the best writing course in the world if youre an aspiring writer. Advertise your wedding photography business. Take a week off and learn filmmaking in New York. Rent store space for your cupcake shop. Dont buy houses and cars and expensive dinners at Nobu or whatever else people burn their money on. Live like a monk. Strip your life of the non-essentials and seek salvation only in nurturing your soul. Everything else is dust as the Buddha would say. Invest in your own growth because you are the one asset thats going to appreciate year-after-year no matter the economic environment.

6. Finally, train yourself to think only exceptional thoughts.

Nietzsche and Victor Frankl said it best. To live is to suffer and your suffering is like air in a balloonit will fill your whole heart. You can either fill your heart with mediocre thoughts like and and . Or you can pause and torment yourself with bigger thoughts, such as:Why was the world created? Does God exist? How do I live my purpose? Can I step up my side hustle? Exceptional thoughts lead to exceptional actionsand nothing less shouldbe your goal next year!

Read more: http://thoughtcatalog.com/karan-bajaj/2016/01/the-6-things-you-need-to-do-to-change-your-life-in-2016/