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its so hard to watch time pass when things like careers and assignments exist. what do you mean im supposed to take that seriously
#I have an assignment that was due a week ago and I really really dont want to do it. I have to but i dont want to#im probably making it worse because my brain has built a wall around it so now i can’t do literally anything else until thats done. but#because I don’t want to do it I’m just kinda stuck. turns out this is what they meant when they said emotional regulation is part of#exec dysfunction.. I’ll have a thought like if I get a little bit of it done now i can get it over with. I can just submit something#and then not even 5 minutes later itll be like ugh but I have to draw all the assets out. I have to write things and make spreads ugh#and its just flopping between those two things. i hate it when ppl are like well how much time do you need to work on one thing#because BOY id love to know too. I’d love to know exactly when my brain wants to cooperate with me and work around that but I cant#even my period can’t decide when it wants to punch me in the stomach. which is kinda funny in the grand scheme of things but still#its so weird im just lying on my bed thinking abt all this like damn.. the time will pass anyways no matter what I decide to do.. damn….#if I submit that assignment now and take the L I literally won’t die. it’ll just be a deduction on an assignment nobody will ask me about#I know this but I’m still stressing myself about it so my thoughts aren’t really connecting to my body. weird#maybe its because Im having a hard time looking forward to things. theres definitely a lot I should be living for but I don’t really feel#a strong attachment to it I guess? it’s been like this for a while with holidays and meeting with friends so I just don’t#I kinda figured its because im pretty passionless and its more like passing interest. but it’s not very fun when it feels like I’m going to#be living distraction to distraction for the next 70 years or so lol#idk it kind of feels like slowly bleeding out. which is funny because I actually did experience blood loss this week#had a 30 minute nosebleed and literally could not stand. also it felt like someone was pinching the back of my brain which was interesting#yapping#does this count as vent#vent#Ive just been making an oc carrd and contemplate changing my blog header for the past 3 days honestly
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dont let me forget to draw eclipse for the eclipse this monday. its passing right over ohio i gotta commemorate this with The Guy . The Blorbo. a momentous occasion
#salmon jibberish#thinking of maybe drawing canon and fanon eclipse together ....?#could be fun#just gotta consider the workload#and if itll stress me out too much#ive been pretty miserable the past 3 weeks and i really dont want an art piece of all things to make it worse 💀#eclipse fnaf please give me the strength to draw you for the solar eclipse on monday amen
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Can someone perform an exorcism on Lance's car please??? Or whatever you do to get rid of curses because that car has to fucked up in some kinda paranormal way
#f1#formula 1#aston martin#lance stroll#ls18#us gp 2023#austin gp 2023#maybe itll help#it cant make things worse#do Fernando's while your at it#but its always lance#how is it always him????
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#sometimes i find the degree to which i cannot concentrate very alarming#like bro i canno read. i have so much to do but i wanna sleep forever#i just have to get up and go somewhere else. normally id go transfer algae or run but im stuck inside and .y fingers r all cold#usually its just in the morning that I get thr high distress so its prob the meds#but yesterday was kinda fucked. ugh.i just need to run around but i cant#i have such a sinister combo of: brain stops me from being able to b productive and if im not productive i am compelled to do horrible#things. mood issues and 0cd is horrible. horrible feedback loop#i just wish i could breathe. itll b fine. eventually itll b summer again and itll b fine#its like someone's squeezing my throat. like im sick but i kno its just that im anxious#i was doing so well the past few days in terms of reading and productivity despite the distress#and im trying to b kind and roll with the punches but its so hard#like i kno i need to relax and not resist bc resistance makes it worse but it's just hard and im worried this is how itll always b#i wish i could go back on lamicta1. i felt way better on low dose of that then i do on low dose of abi1ify. its so hard to stay on this#just bc of how my head works. and like things were complicated with the lamicta1. maybe i wouldnt habe had a reaction if i didnt get a#tatto0 while upping the dose but now im marked as allergic so i prob wont b allowed to try any of thr anti convulsive type antidepressants#ugh. i hate this. its so frustrating#unrelated
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Hi there! I found your blog from reddit while looking for posts about how to grow a tumblr community as an artist (I used to be a regular here like 10 years ago, but I don't even use the email I had back then so I'm back fully from scratch). Any tips that you'd give to a newbie? ^^
oh ! henlo welcome to hell \o/ ill be real tho i truly have little to nothing you dont already seem to have figured out lmao. i dont know anything about community-building and i never have im just here to vibe 🙏
your theme, art, use of tags etc are all lovely fwiw !! but im no expert on getting any real mileage out of this site i just post bullshit all day baybee
edit oops i actually came up with a handful of tips while rambling in the tags and im too lazy to move em to the body text lmao but godspeed
#sundaydoodles#the tiger gets asks#i think i know the post you're talking about and it was someone misreading me when i was talking about something else ^^;;#uhhh letssee you look like you're aiming to be an art blog of ur own stuff but if you do choose to reblog stuff put any comments in the tag#we love that shit#tags themself used to like. only hte first five tags would appear in searches if u remember that? thats not a thing anymore afaik so go ham#if you'd like to make an alt blog for any purpose (personal use or specific topics or w/ev)#you can do so under the same login !#under the 'account' tab where it says 'blogs | +new' press the +new and bada bing bada boom#you can choose what posts where when you have multiple accs at any time but you can only follow people from the main blog#so for better and worse you really only have the one dash#also! blazing posts isnt *typically* a great way to gain traction and followers overall#itll get eyes on one specific post but in my experience. if only using it for shitposting. youre gonna get like a 90:10 like:rb ratio lmao#and maybe one or two followers if its a hit#it could be different for sharing art but lowkey i doubt it lmao. i would say unless youre doing it for a gaff save your money
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Today at trivia: learned a baby hedgehog is called a hoglet. You've many hedgehog themed shenanigans here and I thought you'd like to know if you didn't already 💕
YEAAAHHHH LIL HOGLETS !!!!!! an UPMOST important fact to know...
#snap chats#class ended early since we were just introducing ourselves but i still managed to have the most annoying night oh my god#first my professor accidentally shook my bad hand and i didnt tell him it was A Bad Hand#people usually tell me i have a really good handshake but now my handshake look AWFUL like im sorry prof my hand has cysts in it#awful first impression and those are big to me..#it gets worse though cause i went to get eggs and detergent and my card declined For Some Reason???#the only strange thing i did lately was get gas LMAO I DONT ??? UNDERSTAND.#i mean i got my shit with another card i have but i didnt get the receipt the first time since i thought it was in the bag#but no it gets worse cause i cant even get into my dorm building cause for some reason my id card just. does not open that door#IT OPENS MY DORM ROOM BUT NOT THE BUILDING DOOR and then i couldnt find the housing department room#so i have to email them tonight. to fix my stupid card ig.#but no so i ran back out to ask the clerk if he still had my receipt and He Didnt. Fair Nuff so he just gave me a rough estimate#which is SOOO fun so heres to hoping i didnt underpay my credit card. overpay Ill Live itll prob just be a few cents more#AND THEN I HAD TO DO THE AWKWARD THING WHERE I SIGNAL TO THE DESK CLERK TO LET ME IN. AGAIN#but yeah... AND THEN I HAVE CLASS AT 8AM on god i might just skip since i want to drop the class anyway#but thats also MAD disrespectful.. ill just hope class ends early idk..#so yeah. terrible night. it WILL get worse.#maybe ill make eggs.... not like i can buy food. i mean i CAN but ugh i hate doing credit card payment that shit so extra#and to top it off as i was leaving the store Again some mate was liek 'excuse me sir- oh im sorry excuse me ma'am'#MY GUY I AM WEARING A SUIT AND A FACE MASK AND I HAVE SHORT HAIR STYLED LIKE A DEBATE CLUB MEMBER#YOU WERE RIGHT THE FIRST TIME I PROMISE LMAO kms. fr.#ok im done ranting SORRY. thank you for the reminder baby hedgehogs got cute as hell names..#im gonna try to think of old people to feel better...
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Also like. The insane thing is like. If what I'm afraid of happening did happen, like... Sounds like a personal problem? Skill issue?? Literally not my fault? I stay so far in my own lane that actually that's a problem in and of itself. I am vibing by myself and if people get upset to whatever degree (if!!! IF!!!!!!!!) that is not on me I am my own person doing my own things.
#stuff sarah says#this will not stop the agony tho#also the only people ive ever said my worse fear about this thing to are my therapist and recentlu my best friend#bc its crazy person shit. it really is#but also... it isnt that far of a stretch from things ive experienced#bc ive had people get upset with me and say its my fault they feel bad bc i was happy abt smth or smth good happened to me#its not outlandish of my brain to make up worst case scenarios based around other fears#but like#ultimately... its not my problem#i am not directly harming others by doing things that make me happy. and if people interpret that as indirect harm... thats on them#and i need to keep remembering too that like. joy is infectious. maybe itll actually do good#again tho. im not gonna stop agonizing over it#but maybe i should just bite the bullet and push through the fear#camp nano is coming up. i could work more on my cringe fic or start new cringe fics
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(( ...iiiiii think that was my scheduled big mental illness talk of the year
#mun chatters#this does happen once maybe twice every year#surprised it came so early but its mostly over (?)#so sorry abt that and back to scheduled bullshit#edit: im not saying this as like a mean or snarky thing#its just that every year i make a passionate comment on something and find out that Oh No Things are Worse Than Normal#and people are being Evil and Mean to each other in some unfounded absurd way again#again youd think id know better by now but as long as people find the weirdest things to hurt each other with i guess itll keep happening
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you ever just
#duck rants about something#hoooooo man. why did all my motivation and ability to create go out the window as soon as i finished that valk piece#i cant draw. i dont know what to draw i knew what i had to draw but i cant. put it on canvas#cant go in an art block now of all times theres less than one month and a half until finals and i need some sort of portfolio put together#by then and. i am Still exhausted i thought !! it was getting better but nope i am still incredibly fatigued by Everything#and to make matters worse its thursday tomorrow meaning the classes i dislike the most i just want to lie down for 10 years maybe i dont kn#maybe pursuing art as a career was a bad idea. maybe im not fit for this but im already over a year into this art school and i dont want to#waste the money my family's put into letting me go to this school#and i absolutely love it here the teachers are nice and my classmates are cool and i made friends for the first time in years#but god if i havent been in the worst headspace of my life this past year.#well this year was going a bit too well for me in terms of art i had a steady pace of imrpoving and trying out new things but now its just#i cant do anything. no matter what i doodle or sketch or just let my hand do whatever nothings coming out and it terrifies me#maybe im being dramatic! i know someone would say im being just that#god i dont want to go to class tomorrow either im not in the mood for a religious lecture but ive already skipped the past two weeks#keep it up any more than that and itll probably result in a call to my parents#my parents are probably gonna call me later tonight anyways. should get it together til then#maybe i need a nap. maybe i need to go outside and take a walk and look at a bug. maybe i just need to go out in a field and scream#auhgh but i need to draw i need to make Something i cant halfass something the way i did last semester and barely pass#and now im getting dizzy just typing this out thanks brain#ill probably delete this later i just really need to. hhghghhhgh please let me draw. please let me make something or anything at all#i dont know what id have if it isnt art.#ive always been mediocre at everything in my life the only thing giving me peace of mind is drawing#if thats all im good for then what even use am i without it#and sure! maybe im actually not that good at it! maybe my artstyle is uninspired and boring maybe im just wasting my time!!!#but i still love it immensely i love making my silly characters i love drawing out my dumb stories i love just.#making things and being okay at it. maybe. am i actually good at this probably not. maybe im also mediocre at this and just kidding myself#sorry for being emotional on a wednesday. must be the curse#anyways
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the thing they dont tell u abt writing a piece that cribs a lot on ur own emotional trauma is that writing it will trigger ur emotional trauma
#alissposting#i go through cycles of loving this book and being excited for it and like#hating every inch of it bc im having a bad time with life and its making me feel objectively worse#maybe in the end itll be good for me to get it all out#but right now i sometimes take a gander at the whole thing and just sorta wanna off myself
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UGH why does eating always make me feel like throwing up :/ that is the opposite of what i want
#the bin#i feel less bad todaynthan i usually do. i think. but physically my body feels terrible. i am also still super stressed and sad but. i dont#feel as utterly horrible as i usually do so thats good i guess. i wish i could turn it into something productive but thats fine#i mostly wishbthat i could being myslef to do something fun like watch something or whatever but my brain still says no#and i wishbi could draw but my brain says no to that too#well. i can probably actually afford some weed after all bc itll peobs mostky be gas i gotta pay for for thw trip so#idk when ill see my sister next but ill have to fully figure this out then. and i gotta measure the inside of her boyfriends car so i can#know how much i can pack. i can also probably afford to get the things i wanted for my siblings from here before i leave. maybe.#gas will be a lot but they still owe me $300 so that helps a lot. i should be able to afford the trip fine. im really sad i have to leave#most of my stuff though. i dont trust my sister with it. but i dont have a choice so whatever. ill just have to deal.#well. im glad i dont feel so empty and horrible now. i hope it lasts and i can do something with it. its probs bc i had a meltdown honestly#ive felt like maybe thats what ive been needing to feel better. things still suck but i feel marginally better#usually i try talking to my mom just to get an ounch of social interaction and also i can complain abt stuff to her and she doenst tell#anyone. she has issues but shes pretty good about my privacy i think because shes scared id stop talking ti her if she broke that trust#which is true. i would probably stop talking to her. that was originally the plan before she stopled being such a bad mom anyway so#but idk. i havnet talked to her since she asked if i was coming to the funeral and i said no. she wasnt mad at me or anything but i havent#talke to her about non dad dying related stuff in a bit so. i shouod tho. im moving and i need to find out when a good time for that is.#and make sure she knows around what time i had been planning. and i need to know if she got an update about some stuff too.#also helath insurance stuff. im assuming she didnt end up getting a chnace to add me yet considering what happned. shes been busy#but my tooth pain has gotten even worse this past week so id like to see a dentist in june if possible bc god this thing hurts so bad
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Just realized Vincent's character can kinda be summed up as "i can fix her" and horrendously failing
#'i can fix her' bro she is actively being made worse as we speak!!!!!#okay i jest but this did make me think about some stuff actually#vincent's honestly a guy that seems so. not human. like literally in that hes kinda a zombie and can transform into monsters#and then metaphorically in that hes canonically a 'natural loner' as nojima calls him and comes off as cold and admits hes just like that#but hes So. Fucking. Human in that he was in love and chased after a woman with a million red flags#and who frankly didnt deserve him and he butted into a situation that actually should have stopped being his business#but he continuously tried to do 'the right thing' and got himself screwed over for it#and proceeded to BLAME HIMSELF and try to fix 'his mistake'#like. whats more human than 'its my fault and i should have tried harder and done the right thing' WHEN WHAT HE SHOULD HAVE DONE#WAS GET THE FUCK OUTTA THERE ONCE HE WAS TOLD TIME AND TIME AGAIN THAT ITS NONE OF HIS BUSINESS ESSENTIALLY#the more and more i break down vincent the more i realize like#wow. he kinda sucks. like not even just in a loser way but in like. yep! thats a human! way#thats a person who digs himself deeper and deeper into a hole thinking if i just dig a little deeper itll get better#and now hes six feet under in a grave :/ metaphorically. well. he does end up in a coffin but like. unrelated actually. huh.#okay i actually shouldnt call him a loser and say he sucks actually cuz i think he acts very realistically in terms of like#guy whos in love and thinks he can save her if he just talks enough. guy who thinks maybe this time will be enough to fix the situation#GUY WHO THINKS IF I SAY THE RIGHT THING ITLL FINALLY GET THROUGH TO HER *proceeds to reword the same statement a million times*#hes too human really. ohhhh my god im gonna lose it. OH MY GOD HES JUST SOME GUY#HES THE RESULT OF JUST SOME GUY TRYING TO BE A PROTAG BUT THEN HES HIT WITH CRUEL REALITY AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA#personal
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#sometimes i feel like my brain is disintegrating in my head. coming apart like a lump of paper in a pool of water#it comes with this weird feeling of vertigo. like i turn my head and my thoughts are spinning too fast. they keep going despite my standing#still. its also a but when you start drinking something and when u stop your thoughts r hazy and ur breathing is heavy#maybe thats not a universal experience. sometimes when i stop i realize ive slipped half out of my body#and now im stumbling from day to day trying desperately to remember all the things im supposed to be managing#but there are these big holes in my brain. like im missing chunks of grey matter. the bits that would let me stop and start things#i dunno. when im taking measurements i have this image of myself on my knees holding the fragrance pieces of my life together as they#crumble thru my fingers and my insides shrivle away from the walls that contain them. i go hollow like a gord#and ppl say oh ur so passionate abt what u do. and i go brittle bc it doesnt feel like passion it feels like the symptom of an illness#i dont care. im just trying to burn the hours away. make time vanish. and for what? what am i building toward? i have an answer that i give#interviewers but i dunno i never thought id make it this far. but here we r. unhappy and lacking in purpose. its just that this last year#was so weird bc about a year ago i burned out so hard that i never recovered and it just got worse and worse. i feel now that ive stopped#the bleeding at least but the bitterness is still there. still infecting my words and curving my spine around the injury#and in theory i understand the path to healing but its hard when im just so. i dont even kno. angry? im not mad but the word feels right#but i dunno what id be angry about. maybe im just sick of empty tasks and not caring. i used to have passion and enthusiasm now i just feel#fragile and hurt. bracing for pain. and that makes me so sad. i wish i could go out into the woods and wander. just breathe#but no. instead ill start another day identical to 100 others and hope to keep my head above the surface bc im sick of swallowing sea water#anyway. itll b fine. hopefully this week i can commit to a program. hopefully. another program halfway across the country. this time#vertically. landing me still 2 time zones from home. but hopefully there i can breathe a little. maybe. hopefully. well see#unrelated
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Having random card au thoughts again, which is bad cause it's just reminding me how hard it's gonna be to put mygo in there unless they get useful cards rly fast </3 besties I love you but I can already smell the boring ah cards coming
#rat rambles#band posting#like Im sure theyll get good cards but itll take too much time for them to get cards I can rly work with for this purpose yknow?#so chances are Ill just have to kinda force them in based on either their initial cards or just me making shit up#idk I guess I could use some more cyber city ppl? or maybe some other kingdom ppl idk#the latter risks involving more sekai characters in the main plot tho so idk#poor poor akito permanantly stuck in that damn bakery 😔#at least ena gets to do things offscreen and have worldbuilding relevance#and the rest of vbs also have worldvuilding relevance too (albiet entirely for the worse for themselves)#hey at least toya is still kicking as he isnt a historical figure#well ok technically an is. kind of alive. if you wanna call her that at this point.#and kohane is just boring ol dead so sad#its ok theres lots of historical dead ppl shes not alone#random card au
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just ate a bag of expired stir fry veg. It was smelling sweet even from outside the bag.. thats how you know its off . yummy. Hopefully I die
#at least its kinda filling and only 180 cal#hoping I dont decide to make a sausage and rice thing later#i hate being awake i wanna drink#I cant afford it#itll make me fatter and I'll just feel worse#the only thing I can do is take quetiapine to knock myself out but I always have at least 3k cal days after taking it#makes you gain 70 pounds over 9 months on average. after taking it for 2 weeks i was walking up and down main roads#on the suicide hotline tryna figure out where the nearest train track was (right next to me lmfao idiott)#3 pounds a week gain even with b/p everyday. Coulodnt control it#and the gp cant give me anythign else until the psychiatrist gets backj to me because everything makes me manic or#suicidal#but I think theyve forgotten about me because its been months#I've planned how to kms#I figured maybe aug25th but realistically it'll be between sep and new years. its just so shit bc i dont wanna ruin#christmas for family#I'll go back into daily binge drinking worse than before because it always gets worse#and die#i shouldve died this last 6 months from drinking honestly#ig I could smash a load of antihistamines. thatd knock me out and its lowcal#but they make you feel even worse when u wake up#why cant there just be a pill that makes everything normal#coldcrypt
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I mean rly the only reason I got angry is bc I feel so desperately ashamed/guilty but dont want to face + accept the burden of that as my own responsibility + fault for not trying hard enough or at all lmao. so for someone to targetedly ask why I'm not trying cut a bit too close thats all.
#.vent#I can't stay mad its not fair to blame anyone else for my overreaction to being reminded that im the source of all my problems#like yeah maybe it is this hard for everyone. but other ppl are still doing the shit that im not so what does that make me.#just another lazy inconsiderate fuckup not trying hard enough <3#and trying to excuse all my behaviour by idk pathologising it instead of confronting that im just bad at living + being a person#all I do is shut down and hysterically cry when I so much as think abt shit let alone do it 👍 why is everything so much.#also my self esteem has taken a plummet lately if u cant tell. its just an endless cycle bc the less I do shit the worse I feel abt myself#and the worse I feel the less I do things. oh well eventually itll be over one way or another#gonna get changed and work out and take a long shower and maybe ill feel better for it
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