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friccinfricks · 4 years

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The Princess & the Pauper Pt. 2- Ben Hardy x Reader

A/N: okay this one’s extra bad. I, um, ahem, barely edited. And it’s long. School’s starting, it’s late, I’m tired, but this is kind of... giving me a lot of joy? Like, writing this is making me legitimately very happy. Someone commented on my last one and it made my fucking day. So please comment/reblog/like! And if you want to request anything, for this series or another, my inbox is open. Let me know if you want to be tagged!!

Warnings: cursing, sex jokes, a Karen, bad writing, you know.

-----

Y/N stood uncomfortably behind the desk that sat near the door.

“A price increase?! This is ridiculous, let me speak to your manager! At once!” The customer on the other side hollered. She was a stout, larger woman with thick makeup caked unto her face, making her seem even more monstrous. Y/N balled her fists tighter.

“Madame, I’ve already told you, there is no manager. I’m the owner.”

“Then bring out your husband!” Her voice shrieked even louder, her chest heaving as she flailed her arms.

“I have no husband, madame. And if you can’t pay for the dress, then please, leave without it.” Y/N spoke sternly, trying her hardest not to roll her eyes. Husband this, husband that. When would the world come to their senses about marriage being a sham?

The woman huffed, reaching into her coin purse and throwing a few pieces on the counter dividing the two women. Y/N stood up more straightly as she heard the door open and the bell jingle. She looked to the door and lo and behold, there was the fellow from yesterday, the man accompanying Princess Lucy. He looked disgruntled, red rimmed his puffy eyes and he wore the same clothes from the day before (however, so did Y/N, but that wasn’t unusual for her. For a palace official though... it was odd). She gave him a warm smile as she handed the woman her dress. She stormed out, checking the young man with her shoulder as she did so. Rami rubbed his shoulder as he approached Y/N, not sure how to pose his request.

“Hello, sir.” Y/N said. “Are you looking for something for her royal highness?”

“More like looking for her royal highness herself.” Rami muttered beneath his breath. Y/N raised an eyebrow, her soft smile disappearing entirely as she saw the bruise on Rami’s forehead.

“Are you alright? What happened?” She asked gingerly as she moved a hand towards the mark. He winced as she touched the bruise, making her quickly retract her hand.

“I’m fine, but Princess Lucy isn’t. She’s been kidnapped.” Y/N gasped and brought her hand over her heart. “And I need a favor from you.”

“Me?” Y/N said softly, a strand of Y/H/C hair moving to cover her eyes. She pushed it back, blinking a few times as she listened to what Rami said next.

“She’s been taken. And I don’t know by who, but if you give me a couple of days, I’ll find her, I know I will. But no one can know of her disappearance.” He said, elbows now leaning against the desk, head lowered, voice soft.

“What? Why not?”

Rami looked over his shoulder, wondering how honest he could be with this stranger. “The royal mines- they’re empty. The Princess has to get married- quickly- so that the kingdom remains economically sustained. If not, we’ll crumble. Everything will. She... she didn’t want to have to do it, but she knew it was her duty.” Y/N nodded. She had figured as much. The supply and demand of Dulcinea had already shifted slightly, just enough to make her increase the prices of her dresses.

“So, what I need from you, is to come back to the palace with me and stand in for the Princess.” Rami continued, looking at her, pleading with his eyes.

“I can’t impersonate a princess. Are you mad?” She whispered, pointing to her hair. Rami stood up and smiled.

“I’ve got a solution for that.” He quickly ran out of the shop doors and returned, a package in hand. “Open it.”

Y/N did so, gasping as she pulled out a blonde wig. “How-”

“Even princesses have bad hair days sometimes.” He chuckled. Y/N smirked involuntarily.

“Okay, but... I don’t know how to be a princess. And what about my shop? I can’t just take an unpaid vacation.”

“I’ll be sure you receive compensation. I promise. And with a little studying, I think I can have you ready to be a princess by the end of the day.” Y/N leaned against a column, putting her head back, contemplating.

“Alright, I’ll be a princess.”

-----

“This is bollocks!” Ben whispered to Gwilym as he watched his royal advisor, Damian, get into the carriage after the Prince and Dukes had made themselves comfortable. Gwilym and Joseph both rolled their eyes. They’d known Damian for years, and none of them were fans. Damian had a way of weaseling his way into parts of royal life that he wasn’t entitled to. The emeralds and rubies that donned his pudgy fingers shone as he gripped the cushion next to Joseph. His breath smelled of foul alcohol.

“Just pay him no mind, maybe he’ll go away.” Gwilym mumbled, closing his eyes and stretching his legs out.

“Hey, Daddy Longlegs, please, keep your gargantuan limbs on your side of the carriage, thank you.” Joseph whined, playfully kicking his cousins legs.

“You’re just jealous, shorty.” Gwilym replied, not bothering to open his eyes. A smirk danced on Ben’s lips as he watched his cousins bicker, just as they always did.

But once the carriage began moving, Ben’s mind moved to other places. He felt sick to his stomach- he was terrified. Terrified of failing, terrified of disappointing his father, but most of all, terrified for the future. Though he liked to pretend he didn’t notice it, he saw how happy his parents were together. He wanted what they had, pure, intimate, cherished love. But what if he couldn’t find it in time?

------

Lucy paced the small room, back and forth, back and forth. She didn’t know how long she’d been locked in here, this room with blocked off windows and the small, uncomfortable bed. She pounded on the door, just as she did every few hours. A few moments later, her captors appeared at the other side of it, and she heard the key in the lock turn ever so slightly.

“Yes, your highness?” One of them said, poking his head in. Paul.

“Oh, Paul, thank goodness it’s you and not Peter.” Lucy said, trying her best to cover the disgust in her voice as she said their names. Paul and Peter were twins (it’s always twins, isn’t it?), both of them being gangly, lean men. They were young enough to be ignorant in every form of the word, but just old enough to, hypothetically, successfully kidnap a princess.

“Ay, what?” Peter demanded, poking his head in just above his brothers.

“She was just saying how she, the Princess, much prefers me to you.” Paul stated smugly.

“Oi, I know that’s a crock of shit! What about that time I brought you a muffin, your majesty?” Peter asked, looking pleadingly at the Princess. She shrugged her shoulders.

“You brought her a muffin?! What makes you think she’s deserving of any amenities? She’s our prisoner!”

“Aye but look at her! We can’t starve her!”

“Gentlemen, gentlemen, please,” Lucy motioned for them to come into the room. “I called for you because, well, I’m so dreadfully hot.” She said, pointing to the fireplace.

The brothers looked at each other and then at her.

“Are you mad?” Paul asked.

“Hmm?”

“It’s nearly autumn, you’ll freeze!”

Lucy shrugged her shoulders again. “I’m sweating and ruining this dress.” She lied, “It was expensive. I’ll make you pay the difference as a deduction from whatever ransom you receive.”

Once again the brothers looked at one another, then it was their turn to shrug their shoulders. Paul turned on his heel to guard the door while Peter retrieved a bucket of water and put out the fire.

Lucy thanked them each quietly as she felt the already obvious draft come in. She shivered, laying back down on the bed. A few more hours, then it would be ready.

----

“Now, remember: no nagging, bragging, sweating, fretting, slipping, or tripping allowed. Stay present, stay pleasant, and proud.” Rami instructed Y/N after she’d put on the wig, changed into a proper gown, and found a tiara to place on her head. She nodded, though in all honesty, she didn’t catch half of what he was saying. He motioned for her to sit down at the small desk that sat in the corner of Princess Lucy’s bedroom, then promptly handed her a feathered quill and a piece of parchment.

He continued giving instructions, and Y/N wrote them down as quickly as she could. It wasn’t long before she was being taught how to curtsy and walk with a stack of books upon her head. Rami smiled as she began finishing tasks before he had even given the entire direction and knew that while Y/N may not have been born royalty, she sure as hell could act the part.

“And when in doubt, what do you do if you don’t know how to respond to something?” Rami asked, gripping her shoulders and looking intensely into her Y/E/C eyes.

Y/N pouted and furrowed her eyebrows, looking practically identical to Lucy. “Let me consult my personal advisors.”

“Perfect.” Rami grinned ear to ear. “Now, let’s get ready to meet some suitors.”

“Who’s coming, again?”

“A prince and two dukes. They’re all cousins.”

Y/N nodded, swallowing her nerves. This would certainly be interesting.

------

Ben watched as the castle came closer into view, taking in the sight of the countryside along the mountain it sat upon. It really was beautiful.

“Benny,” Joseph said softly, mischief gleaming in his eyes. “Are you prepared to meet a princess who will make you harder than this mountain?”

Just as he said it, the carriage hit a harsh bump and Ben’s side of the carriage sagged. The three cousins chuckled while Damian sat in his corner, rolling his eyes. These heathens! No respect for the crowns on their heads whatsoever. Shameful.

It didn’t take much longer for the carriage to arrive at the palace. When it did, the men were greeted by the palace guards and quickly escorted into the throne room while some of the servants retrieved their luggage. The four entered the room, where every set of eyes fell upon Y/N. All three suitors felt their breaths catch in their throats as she slowed looked to the three suitors presented in front of her. Ben had to force his eyes away from her for just a moment when he realized the Queen was talking.

“... and view the palace and all that your courtship would have to offer...” Ben heard the Queen say before he noticed the other person in the room- a man of smaller frame with a mop of curly dark hair pulled back. He stood by the Princess, one arm behind his back. Ben wondered what he was holding, but dismissed his thoughts when he saw Y/N’s movement in his peripheral vision. For a princess, she looked... nervous. Unsure of herself, almost. Perhaps she’s just humble. Don’t find a humble princess too often these days.

“Lucy? Lucy darling?” The Queen said, looking at her daughter, who stood on the other side of the throne. Y/N blinked a few times and turned towards the Queen, her hands shaking.

“Y-yes mother?” She stuttered softly.

“Please, why don’t you escort these young men around the palace?” She said, waving her hand off. Y/N nodded and lifted her dress just enough so she could walk down the three steps off of the platform in the throne room. As she reached the final step the three suitors walked towards her, moving quickly with her. Ben didn’t realize he was moving so slowly, he was practically drooling over her. He watched as she gracefully descended the steps, looking over her shoulder with a smirk he mistook for mischief (in reality is was a nervous habit Y/N had developed, and it was really coming out these past few hours). And that voice! So soft, so delicate. He watched as Joseph and Gwilym went to her sides, both offering their arms for her interlace her own in. Her hands shook as she grasped both of their arms, making Ben frown.

The quartet walked around the palace, Y/N trying her hardest to remember where she was going and how to get back. Rami had walked her around the palace briefly, but it hadn’t been enough time to memorize the location of every room.

“And here we have...erm,” Y/N paused, looking inside the room before quickly backing up and giggling, her eyes wide, pulling her right hand from Joseph’s arm to cover her smile as she laughed, “well, that was supposed to be our palace infirmary, but, um....” She shook her head, knowing it wouldn’t be very princess-y of her to say what she saw.

Ben raised his eyebrows, a smirk on his face. Ah, that laugh. He loved that laugh. Y/N leaned her back against the wall, biting her thumb to keep from bursting out into laughter.

“What’s so funny?” Gwilym asked, leaning over her to see inside the room. Y/N shook her head.

“No, no, don’t look in there, you won’t find it amusing!” She said, waving her arms.

“Oh, I’m sure we’ll find it funny.” Joseph said, a smirk of his own growing. The pair of Dukes approached the door, about to open it. Just as Gwilym’s hand met the knob, the infirmary door burst open and a quite sweaty, older woman and a ruffled looking Abigor walked out. Y/N shook her head as a blush rose to their cheeks, her smile not bothering to hide itself.

Abigor looked at her and his eyes went wide. He pushed past the group of royals, muttering something about not having any privacy. Once he was out of earshot, the four looked at one another and doubled over.

“I honestly don’t know what they were thinking, the infirmary?” Ben chuckled, the creases of his eyes folding as he squinted with laughter.

“He’s... he’s got a room here and everything!” Y/N wheezed through giggles.

The four laughed together some more as they walked, quickly easing any stuffy tension from before. Y/N walked on her own, no longer feeling the pressure to take the arm of a man to guide her.

When they arrived to the garden, they walked in a comfortable silence. They looked around freely, drinking in the scents of gardenia and rose petals. It was nearly sunset, making the view of the kingdom and mountains surrounding it even more beautiful. Y/N took in the view before Ben called her over, a yellow rose in hand.

“Princess Lucy?” He said softly, his expression nervous. Y/N turned around to face him, furrowing her eyebrows when she saw his face. She took a few steps closer to him and found herself involuntarily brushing his cheek with her hand, trying to relax him. He closed his eyes and tried to steady his breathing.

“Please, take this rose that I plucked from uh... from your garden.” He said softly, a chuckle concluding his request.

“Hey, no fair! I wanted to deface the garden first!” Joseph called from the other side of the rose bush. Gwilym turned to look at them as well, smiling at Ben and giving him a thumbs up.

“Oh, Prince Benjamin... I- I don’t know what to say.”

“Well, first off, you can start by just calling me Ben.” Y/N smiled at that.

“Alright, Ben.”

-----

Rami returned to the servants quarters, the Queen’s spectacles still in hand. If anyone in the palace would have been able to tell Y/N from Lucy, it would have been her. And for now, there was no way Rami would let that happen. He watched Y/N from his small window, she was clearly attracted to Prince Ben. She looked at him the same way Rami looked at Lucy, and Ben looked at Y/N the same way Lucy looked at Rami. Lovingly. Adoringly, even if they had only just been acquainted.

Rami turned around, placing the Queen’s specs in the tiny hole in the wall behind his bed. They would be safe there. Just as he moved his bed back and turned around, he heard Abigor talking to someone in the hallway. He approached his door, listening intently.

“You idiots! I know the Princess isn’t at the cabin, she’s out with those fucking morons in the garden right now!” Abigor howled, seething with anger.

“But sire, we know she’s there! She was in the bed all night and was there this morning! She even asked to have the fire put out.” A deeper voice said, matter of factually.

“You simpering simpletons! How long has it been since you’ve checked on her? Hours?! All day?! How is my plan supposed to work if the Princess is still here?!”

Rami stepped back from the door, feeling nauseous. A cabin? What?

“Yes sir, right away sir.” A different voice said. Then he heard shuffling, and the mutterings of ‘sorry’s by the two other men. Abigor scoffed, then sighed, leaving as well.

Rami sat on his bed for a moment, taking in what he’d just heard. Then he knew what he had to do.

He quickly grabbed a coat and a blanket before rushing out to the stables, hitching a cart to a horse and trying his best to catch up to the men who he’d just heard.

“Don’t worry Princess, I’m coming to find you.” He promised softly, looking into the sunset, wondering if she saw it too. He had to find her, he just had to.

He concluded that when he did find her, he would never let her go.

Never again.

#ben hardy x reader #ben jones x reader #ben hardy #rami malek #lucy boynton #gwilym lee #joe mazzello #BoRhap #borhap boys #the princess and the pauper

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flirting-with-psychology · 3 years

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[zombiebandido]

Can you recommend any Neil Gaiman to me, aside from Stardust or Good Omens? I cannot

What’s the best concert you’ve been to, if you’ve been? Idk, I think I’m just not huge on concerts

What’s the funniest screenname you’ve ever seen? i-run-with-scissors-to-feel-dangerous

Is there an animal you like that most people don’t? Don’t think so

Is there an animal that you think is overrated in terms of how it’s liked? Goats or cows, maybe

Is there a time period you think is underrated? Not really

What about music? Showtunes

Do you find yourself listening to music that’s a bit more esoteric? No

What are your three favorite books and why? Harry Potter because of the worldbuilding, Mistborn because of the worldbuilding and characters, A Confusion of Princes because it is a fun standalone book

What about authors? Idk, I mostly like specific books Do you have any likes you wouldn’t tell someone until you got to know them? Nah probably not

Do you have a favorite language? Not really

What about a place you’ve always wanted to visit? Ireland

What’s something someone does or says that just makes you laugh? Idk, it’s usually situational

Do goldfish crackers ever make you sick, or is that just me? No?

Do you have a favorite art style? Probably realistic

Do you have a favorite myth/fairy-tale? No, sorry I’m being boring with this quiz

Who is your favorite person aside from family? Probably my bff

Do any of your pets (if you have them) have weird quirks? My cat was just very emphatic

Do you listen to music from anywhere besides America? Not really

Have you ever “quit” a site and came back to it more than once? No

Do you have an “odd” fascination with anything? Dice

What is the thing you want most at this moment? An interesting job and a return to normal from the pandemic

What was the last book you read and what was it about? I’m currently reading The Martian about an astronaut stranded on mars

What was the worst book you’ve ever read & why? Walk Two Moons because the twist ending fucked me up

Do you have a favorite breed of dog or cat? Which? Golden retrievers

If you like any anime/manga, what are some titles you recommend? I don’t really like it

What do you think about school in general? I thought it was interesting and I wish I could go back

What’s the hardest thing you’ve been through, & what did you learn from it? Maybe the braces. Dk what I learned from it

What are three “unrealistic” things you want most? An interesting creative job with steady and high pay lol, the lottery, the good place experience from The Good Place

What are some of your favorite foods? Pasta, chocolate, cereal. I am a simple girl

Where do you like to buy your clothes? Kohl’s, Macy’s, and thrift shops

Do you take any daily vitamins? When I remember

Who are three of your favorite fictional characters of all time? Kelsier from Mistborn, Sirius Black from Harry Potter, Raydan Lykel from The Crown and the Flame

If you had to give the world a pre-existing mythological/fictional being, what would it be? Idfk

When buying Slurpees, if you do, do you get only one flavor or mix them? Mixing is fun

Do you have a favorite 7Eleven food? No

Do you have any desire to learn (a) foreign language(s)? Which? Not strongly

If you could have any career, “realistic”-ness aside, what would it be? Something in film maybe

What are three memorable movies from your childhood? The Little Mermaid, Harry Potter, Barbie as the Princess and the Pauper

Do you, personally, put a space after ellipses, or not? Let me check... do I? I guess I do

What do some of the things that inspire you have in common? Making things

Micky D’s sweet tea, y/n/other? No

What are three of your best (non-physical) qualities? Creativity, honesty, smarts

What are three of your worst (again; non-physical) qualities? Stubbornness, anxiety, lack of empathy

What is one of your firmest beliefs? I don’t really have firm beliefs

Do you ever question things until you’re unsure of even the silliest thing? Yes

Do you have anything that keeps you from doing something you’d truly enjoy? Anxiety and procrastination, and money

What are your three biggest pet peeves (personality-wise) in others? Holier-than-thou people, acting like you’re too cool for fun, being unsafe

Do you work to fix your faults? Or at least, admit to them? I admit to most of them but I’m not so great at working on them

What are three of your best physical qualities? (NOT EYES!) Why not eyes? Other than that, I guess hair color, boobs, singing voice (at least I’d like to think so)

What are some of your greatest aspirations? Do something fun, have a good social life, see what I would look like in my prime

How do you hope the world will change, if at all? Get done with the pandemic, stop having capitalism be so shitty

Who are three (fairly known) people you find very intriguing? Taylor Swift, Voldemort, F. Scott Fitzgerald

What are three things that make you the happiest? hanging out with friends, crafts, cuddling with my boyfriend

What is/are your view(s) on god, religion, spirituality, or relations to? I don’t believe in them

Are you arachnophobic or scared of spiders in the least? YES

Do you play WoW? What do you think of it either way? No, I am just not that into video games

What kind of computer do you have? Windows 7/Vista/XP/Other? Macbook Pro

What are you good at? Crafts and school

What career do you hope to have? Something creative

Are you taking any interesting classes in school/do you not attend? I’m finished with school but I wish I could go back

If you don’t attend, are you taking any “lessons” for anything? No

A book/piece that has had an exceptional impact on your life? Harry Potter

If you know of pandora.com, what is your favorite station? I haven’t listened to pandora in ages

Have you ever “lost” a friend in any way? How did you deal? Some just faded away but some actively ditched me and I tried to find out why

Any music recommendations? Showtunes

What are at least three of your biggest fears? Spiders, living a mundane life, covid right now

Most recently read book that you liked? A Confusion of Princes

Do you have a piece of jewelry you don’t like to take off? No, I have so many that I like to alternate them

Do you have a favorite quote? Why is it your favorite? Carpe Diem. Haven’t lived it much lately though Any odd pastimes you have? Making lists and charts

Are you quirky in any way? (Name them please). My fashion sense especially in high school, the nerdy things I do

Have any practices you aren’t opposed to but wouldn’t do yourself? Probably a lot, I’m generally of the live and let live mindset

Political standing?

Left

Do you have any piercings/what do you think about piercings? I just have my ears pierced

Do you have a favorite material? I’m a fan of soft materials like suede or velvet, also metals like copper and silver

What are three names you’d name a pet if you HAD to get a pet right now? It depends on the pet

Do you like to listen to dorky/amusing music? Idk

Coffee vs. Tea vs. Energy Drinks: Order from favorite to least favorite. Tea, energy drinks, coffee

Do you like more “fruity” sweets or “savory” sweets? Fruity unless it’s chocolate

What do you hate the most? Spiders

What genres of music are your favorite? Showtunes

Do you believe in true love? Idk

Do you believe in love at first sight? If yes, why? No

What are some of your favorite clothing accessories? Jewelry

If reincarnation exists, what sort of person would you want to be next?

One of those outgoing guys that always has adventures with his friends What are some things you believe strongly in? Idk

Where’s your favorite place you’ve been? London was pretty cool, also Italy

What sort of books and movies do you like? For books: sci-fi, fantasy, dystopia. For movies: rom-com, sci-fi, musical

What’s your favorite thing to do on a rainy Saturday? Idk, just stay in

Is there a book you’ve read that really touched you? The Great Gatsby just because I related to Gatsby a lot

Do you have a favorite artist? Taylor Swift

PC or MAC? Mac

What do you love doing? Crafts, shopping, board games

If you could create the perfect world for yourself, what would it be? Basically just the good place from The Good Place. Unlimited time and resources to learn and try things without pressure to make money off it

Do you think that fate plays a part in people’s lives? Not really

Are you religious, spiritual, atheist…? Atheist

What are your opinions on the media? The media is a very broad range of things

Do you think that people throw the words “love” and “hate” around too much? Idk

What is your favorite piece of technology that you own? My laptop

What’s a piece of technology you’d like to own? I have what I want at the moment.

Are you afraid of technology developing to where we’re too reliant on it? A little bit of getting to the point where a lot of jobs get replaced with AI, because instead of making lives easier like they could be, there will just be a huge unempolyment problem that our stupid capitalist society won’t solve

Does it bother you when people do things to fit in with a certain crowd? If it’s not what they want to do

Hot or cold? Cold Do you think that Bzoink should extent the character amount for questions? I don’t use Bzoink

Do you have a favorite combination of complimentary colors? Maybe green and pink

Do you know why all the young people who have nice cars always look grumpy? I don’t think I’ve noticed that

What’s your favorite odd ice cream flavor? Lemon Sorbet or Coffee Toffee Bar Crunch

Where do you like to get your ice cream? Haagen Dasz or Ben and Jerry’s

What’s your opinion on stereotypes/labels? Idk

Do you ever use random word generators for Bzoinkoids?

What?

Do you believe that history repeats itself? It sure seems like it is

Would you rather learn from your mistakes or just undo them? Learn from them

What was the most interesting class you had in school? My words and music class in college Do you write? If so, what? I used to write poetry, I sometimes come up with stories but I don’t really write them

Do you have a favorite website? Tumblr and Etsy

Do you think that the quality of TV shows is going down? No, there are usually good ones to discover

Do you have a favorite culture? Maybe Celtic. I just like the art patterns What was a story you heard as a child that really affected you? The Headless Horseman scared me a lot

Who was your favorite grade-school teacher and why? My third grade teacher and my 6th grade math teacher

Do you think that the world will end? How? Probably in a few billion years when the sun turns into a red giant

Do you believe in Global Warming? Have you researched it? Yes but I haven’t researched it

Do you prefer piercings or tattoos? Tattoos

Do you remember your dreams? Sometimes

#survey

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marybeatriceofmodena · 5 years

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TFW when you try to do Anastasia but you also suck at your job: A Master Class by The Rise of Skywalker

Okay. So, I promised you guys a TROS review, and it’s coming, I promise… except I’ll be making two “spin-off posts” about specific issues just in order to clear up some stuff, mainly because in my mind, those issues are important.

First post is going to be, of course, about Rey’s parentage.

So. After TFA, it would have been possible for Rey to have been the kid of “someone”. However, TLJ made it impossible to do so, unless you’d have some serious, bullshit retconning going on – which is exactly what happened.

I know this is a VERY controversial thing to say at this point, but post-TFA, Rey Palpatine “could” have been possible. Okay, maybe not have her be Palpatine’s granddaughter, but more of a descendant of his.

This said, I “tried” making an origin story for Rey Palpatine that “works” for the purposes of this meta, on a hypothetical basis, while making it consistent with canon (something JJ Abrams and Chris Terrio clearly couldn’t be bothered to do, LMAO). I had plotholes no matter what. I do think I could have eventually found something with a little bit of brainstorming, but truth is, IT’S HARD, and a lot of exposition would have been for novels/comics only.

From a thematic perspective, though? It wouldn’t have been a bad idea. For this to work, though, you would have needed to go on full-blown Romeo and Juliet mode with sprinkles of Anastasia, though. I mean, The Lion King 2 did something similar, so why the fuck not. Because, yeah, Ben Solo, the grandson of Darth Vader, son of Han Solo and Leia Organa, the last prince of Alderaan, who falls in love with the last Imperial princess Rey Palpatine while they’re on opposite sides of the war but not the ones you’d think of is the stuff of fairy tales and star-crossed romances, except this one would have a happy ending and brought peace to the galaxy.

Truth be told, I still really enjoy fanfics who go for that story and find a way to make it work in canonverse or in AUs – because it’s genuinely fun. But in canon itself, as I point out earlier… it’s not easy.

So, we have Rian Johnson who said he made a list of potential origins for Rey while he was working on TLJ’s script. You bet Rey Palpatine was on that list. However, he came to the conclusion that Rey Nobody was the best way to go, and whatdyaknow, he made the right call.

Why? Rey Nobody requires minimal exposition. Storytelling-wise, you don’t have a lot of brainstorming to do, and it’s easy to have Ben revealing it, and easy to present it as a repressed memory of Rey’s. On a thematic level, that puts Rey on the same level as Jane Eyre or the main character from Rebecca: she’s a nobody from nowhere who is thrown into a family drama, and since she’s the glitch in the matrix, she must stop the story from becoming a tragedy.

See? Simple. You got your easy exposition, you got your thematic coherence, and you got the literary call-backs.

So, JJ and Terrio decided to retcon this shit because, as they said, they thought it was boring. I think Colin Trevorrow probably thought it was boring too, because I have my reasons to think a lot of TROS is from him (but more on that in my main review). But thing is, it’s not it’s “boring”, it’s literally that they didn’t know what the fuck to do with Rey. No, more than that, they don’t understand her, and frankly, they can’t be bothered to do so. She’s an empty vessel they can toy with at their ease, and in the process, turn her in a Mary-Sue. Because yes, TROS!Rey was a Mary-Sue, whereas TFA/TLJ!Rey was not. So, what I say above regarding Rey might be a bomb for some, considering how people are (understandably) defensive when it comes to that statement. I promise I will elaborate more about it in the main review, once again.

So, with the lineage aspect addressed, it’s time to talk about Rey’s parents themselves.

It’s hilarious how HARD JJ and Terrio tried to make Kylo’s explanation work – because as much as they butchered the shit out of him, they said: “Well he’s a bad liar, right? Gotta keep that in mind.”

Although, I don’t think it was a case of them being concerned with Kylo’s characterization – they’re not that graceful. They had to figure out QUICK why the hell Kylo wouldn’t have known Rey was a Palpatine from the get-go, because the Force is a great DNA test and shit, and I guess that’s how Palps located Ben’s Mighty Skywalker Blood™. Except that still doesn’t work because Palps couldn’t even locate his own goddamn granddaughter, but I digress.

Seriously, why would Kylo lie to Rey about her being a nobody instead of her being a Palpatine? It makes no sense, because if you’re going to roll with the theory Kylo just wants UNLIMITED POWAH, the Palpatine princess is not only a great asset (since marrying her legitimizes your claim to the throne in the eyes of the Imperial Remnants, I mean, that’s literally why Henry VII married Elizabeth of York), it’s also the one argument she needs to hear in order to sway her to your side. So I guess JJ and Terrio’s one shared brain cell kinda flicked a bit at that moment.

This said, getting the Palpatine princess on his side is clearly Kylo’s intention in TROS (which, again, makes no sense with what was set up in TLJ but that’s something I’m keeping for another post), except they trip all over themselves by having Kylo say he didn’t lie to Rey in TLJ. Except…

So, what Ben said in TLJ was the following:

Her parents sold her for drinking money.

They’re dead and buried in a pauper’s grave somewhere on Jakku.

Rey is related to no one.

Here’s what Ben reveals to Rey in TROS:

Her parents sold her for her protection.

They died on another planet, while being hunted down by a guy working for Palpatine and instructed to bring Rey back to them.

Rey’s dad is a Palpatine and Rey’s mom is Villanelle (nah, for real: the actress who plays Rey’s mom is Jodie Comer).

So, um, yeah, it’s the EXACT opposite of what Ben said in TLJ. Just say Palps was fucking with Ben’s mind-reading or Rey’s memories instead, JJ. Not that “Oh Ben was telling the truth, but he didn’t have the whole story”, because that’s not it.

For the latter, once again, it would have been feasible: the one thing, for me, that was possible to be added was that Rey had killed her parents accidentally, by having their ship to leave Jakku crash down with the Force: that’s what made her Force powers go dormant for all those years and provoked her trauma. It would also make sense that Ben would willfully not bring that back to her memories, because she’d understandably not be able to cope with the truth, which is often what happens to a lot of trauma victims. THAT was the theory I had pre-TROS, because that’s the only answer I could come up with when it came to JJ saying that there was more to Rey’s past. I guess I expected JJ to be, like, actually able to write, lmao.

I even wonder if that was actually in the cards, considering we see Rey in TROS bringing down a transport that supposedly has Chewie in it… but I guess they deemed that to be “too dark” for their heroine. Except the bullshit that comes instead is actually… much worse.

To make things simple, I’ll just take the above points and develop them.

Rey’s parents sold her for her protection.

Okay, so, Rey’s parents need to hide her to make sure Palps doesn’t get his hands on her. Fair enough. This said, why did it have to be Jakku and not, like, ANYWHERE ELSE? Especially that Palpatine had interest in Jakku at some point and that maybe having Rey anywhere close to that place would not be a good idea?

But let’s play the game and say that Jakku is the only place they can hide her because… I don’t know, it’s hard to find someone there with the Force. Whatever. Even then, why the fuck would they think Unkar Plutt is a proper guardian for a tiny little girl? You know they could have walked a few miles more and found a nice old man who likes the Light Side of the Force and the Jedi and all that shit called Lor San Tekka? Hey, why not even try to find a guy like Luke Skywalker who’s like, a Jedi and shit, and have him take care of their little girl and protect her?

Even then, why the hell doesn’t Rey’s mom stay with her daughter? Her husband is the Palpatine, not her. All Rey’s mom has to do is find a nicer hiding place for her and Rey somewhere on Jakku, like, not Niima Outpost (again, Tuanul is just a few miles away), and just let Dad hide somewhere else. He’s a grownass man, he can take care of himself and he just has to hide on Nar Shaadaa or some shit. Fuck, why don’t all three of them hide on Nar Shaadaa? Or in the Coruscant undercity? ANYWHERE ELSE?

Also, wouldn’t Plutt clearly see two desperate parents as a business opportunity? Like, if you want to do a Les Misérables comparison here, he wouldn’t “buy” Rey from them, he’d try to get money for them à la Thénardier with Fantine. Except Rey’s parents make Fantine look like frigging Einstein because at least she had the excuse of thinking Madame Thénardier would take good care of Cosette since Éponine and Azelma seemed well-cared for.

Again, a creepy-looking alien who exploits the outpost’s inhabitants for portions in exchange for junk, who asks you to pay him to take care of your kid should be a big fucking red flag – unless you want to involve blackmail, but that’s a whole other can of worms.

Seriously, why the hell would Rey’s parents even ACCEPT money that comes from selling their own child? Were they really that desperate? Fuck, even if I had no other way of getting off Jakku, I wouldn’t even THINK of using money that comes from selling my own child. Any parent who’d even CONSIDER doing that is automatically a godawful parent in my book. Shame on you. And shame on JJ for trying to make me buy them as saints, because THEY’RE NOT, JUST BY THAT SINGLE ACTION.

They died on another planet, while being hunted down by a guy working for Palpatine and instructed to bring Rey back to them.

I didn’t notice it until Jenny Nicholson pointed it out in her TROS review, because it SOMEHOW completely escaped my notice, but… Rey’s mom saying Rey is DEFINITELY NOT on Jakku is like the worst fucking lie I’ve ever seen in a film because it’s so hilariously bad. Congratulations, Space Villanelle, may you be forever remembered for this line.

Also, it’s stupid af that Oshi (that’s his name, right? Can’t be bothered to Google it, might just call him Barney the Bounty Hunter from now on) just kills Rey’s parents, because HE’S EVUL MUAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA, because he literally creates a dead end for himself. He still has no fucking clue where Rey is, and he just killed off his only leads. CONGRATULATIONS BARNEY THE BOUNTY HUNTER, YOU SUCK AT YOUR JOB.

Rey’s dad is a Palpatine and Rey’s mom is Villanelle.

So, Rey’s dad looks like he’s in his early thirties at most, right? Maybe a little younger than Luke and Leia, then. So, unless he got frozen in carbonite at some point, that means Palpatine fucked at some point while looking like this:

Anyway, I sure hope Sly Moore was Grandma Palpatine because she’s pretty much the only person who’d be game to smash raisin ass. Which leaves me with extremely disturbing pictures of Palps and Sly having sex, so I’ll spare you the more graphic details of my twisted mind that’s screaming for an end to this misery.

I sure hope having Rey’s mom as Jodie Comer isn’t a clue that we’ll get spin-offs with those two (GOD PLEASE NO), but while I crack jokes about how Rey’s mom is Villanelle and Palpadad kinda looks like Ramsay Bolton… I find it fucking hilarious they dressed Rey’s mom in BLUE. LIKE, SEE? SEE? SHE’S IN BLUE, LIKE THE VIRGIN MARY, BECAUSE REY IS SPACE JESUS!!!! GET IT??? GETIT???? PLEASE TELL ME YA GET IT, OKAY???? *gross sobbing* I knew we should have had Rey born in a manger, that would have made the artistic intentions clear *wipes tear*

All right. There’s a lot more that could be said about Rey’s lineage, but I’m keeping that for my main review because what’s left to say ties up to the bigger picture. What I tried to point out with this preliminary post is that while Rey Palpatine *could* have worked, in different circumstances, it couldn’t have had post-TLJ… and we’re left to see a mutilated horse who was dead on arrival. And that’s tragic.

#star wars #tros spoilers #the rise of skywalker spoilers #rants and reviews #anti tros #rey #reylo #my meta #reylo meta #rey meta

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czarnyma · 4 years

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I can't really get this out of my head. This is the chorus from Ben Rector's "I Will Always Be Yours":

I've been the prince, I've been the pauper

Been the star and played the fool

Been the winner and the loser

In between them, too

But no matter who I might become

Or who I've been before

I will always be yours

In The Witcher timeline, Jaskier would be a "prince" (him being a Count) and Geralt would be a Witcher who goes through the days with enough, little, or no coin at all. So, Jaskier loves spoiling his witcher with all kinds of pretty luxurios finds and trinkets. And because Jaskier is human, he eventually dies. Geralt is devastated, of course. Then centuries later (Yes, Geralt is still alive, maybe in the 2010's), he ends up rich and recluse and then meets a reincarnation of Jaskier who happens to be that cliche starving artist drowning in student loans. Geralt, then becomes his sugar daddy. Jaskier, then, is like "Wha--? Why would you choose me as a sugarbaby?" like 50 shades of grey? I just love this reversal of roles. hahahahaha just my thoughts. Can somebody make a fic of this please?

#geraskier #fic prompt #i dunno what im thinking #geralt x jaskier

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andaneum · 7 years

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No Longer Alone: A Reylo Fanfic Chapter 1

When Ben offered the galaxy to Rey, he never thought she would say no to him. But what if she'd said no because she'd had a better offer for him to consider? They run, leaving everything behind and creating a new life for themselves. That is until they learn that running isn't so easy when the galaxy needs you to return to the fight...

3 Years Earlier...

The blue glow shot from the end of the lightsaber, spearing the guard’s helmet. He dropped to the floor, dead, as Kylo rose to his feet. His eyes never left Rey’s, anchoring him to the present as everything he had done hit him full force.

He had spent his whole life under the influence of others. First his parents, then his uncle, the Jedi, the expectations people had of his bloodline, all while suffering that dark voice dragging against the nerves in his brain. But now, the silence was deafening, screaming through his brain that somehow, something was different, something was wrong. He had killed Snoke. And now his master’s voice was gone, Kylo’s mind finally his own, and he had no idea what to do next.

Rey turned from him, her eyes releasing him and allowing him to take note of his surroundings. The bodies of Snoke’s elite Praetorian guards were scattered around the room, the curtains burned away entirely to show the full extent of the massacre still occurring on the tiny transports before them. Blood stained the ground in ever-growing pools, released by those unfortunate guards who had not been killed by lightsaber, but by their own blades and spears. The grotesque, disfigured body of his former master was split in half, one hand still resting on the arm of the throne. Kylo did not regret what he had done, not for a second, but the lack of guilt did not allow him any comfort. He was a ship set adrift on a stormy sea. He no longer had a place in the galaxy, nothing to anchor him but those eyes. He needed her by his side.

The galaxy would never understand them, the power they wielded, even his own family had abandoned him to it’s mercy. But she would not, she never would. No matter his actions, no matter the extent to which her hatred of him grew, she would never judge him for his abilities. He had seen inside her mind and knew how she felt for him, the compassion she had for him that mirrored his own for her. But how could they be together? There was a line that divided them, a question of morality, and it seemed that neither would ever be willing to give even an inch to the other. She may have seen the light that still burned within him, but she was blind to how much that light relied on the darkness. Instead she seemed determined to drive out the darkness, to mould him into another Jedi, as she perceived herself to be. He knew that he would never survive such a transformation.

And yet he’d seen their future, it was a vision he would forever have burned into his mind. It had been of the two of them together, almost childlike in it’s simplicity. He could not tell you where they had been in his vision, at what point in the future it was, any real details other than that they had been together. He had felt their bond, alive and burning like a fire in their minds, always together no matter how far apart they were. He hadn’t killed Snoke for her, the pull and influence his master had had over his mind had been too strong to be destroyed by a mere scavenger. But for this trust and belonging he had felt in their joint future? For the hope that such a future might come to pass? He would see the entire galaxy in flames to ensure that it did.

‘The fleet,’ she called, ‘order them to stop firing. There’s still time to save the fleet’. Her words barely registered. There must be something, anything that he could say to get her to remain with him.

‘Ben?’ He would be her future, no one else needed her like he did.

‘It’s time for old things to die. Snoke, Skywalker, the Sith, the Jedi, the rebels, let it all die.’ He turned to watch her reactions, stepping closer and closer to her. It was all he could offer her and yet it was everything, he would give her the galaxy, the planets, the moons, the stars. Now that Snoke was dead it was all his to give, he was the most powerful man in the galaxy and it was all in his power to give.

‘Rey’, his hand, reaching out for her as though reaching out to tempt a wild animal, ‘I want you to join me’.

‘We can rule together, bring a new order to the galaxy.’ He would bring the galaxy to heel. People would bow at their feet and they would become untouchable. And together, they would have the power to destroy everything that had come before, to wash away their past lives and their past sins and begin anew, away from the cruel legacies of their parents. Yet, somehow, seeing the look forming on her face as he spoke, she seemed almost… he could barely place the emotion. Was it sadness? Anger? Disappointment? He was offering her the chance to erase everything, to rule the galaxy by his side, why would she not take it from him?

‘Don’t do this Ben, please don’t go this way.’ He could feel his emotions roiling under the surface, monsters fighting against their restraints and begging to be released. He could almost hear Snoke’s deep, resonating voice again, whispering in his ear. She would resist you? A scavenger! You offer her the galaxy because you are weak. You offer her your supplication because you are weak. You accept her refusals because you are WEAK! His brow furrowed as he tried to block out the voice ringing inside his own head. She was still trying to convince herself of her allegiance to the light, she would never accept him, his darkness, until she had let go of what she had been taught.

‘No, no, you’re still holding on. Let go!’ He knew what it was that she truly couldn’t let go of. It wasn’t the general, her traitorous friends or the resistance that she was clinging to so fiercely, but the vaguest memories she had of her parents. He had felt it within her, the resolve to be ‘good’ in the hopes that this would earn her the return of her parents. It was the ideology of a child, an ideology he himself had adhered to once, long ago, and one that she needed to be set free from. It was the greatest gift he could give to her, even more so than the death of his master. He would free her from the shadows of her parents, as he had been, and the hope that they would ever return for her. He would show her how similar they were to one another.

‘Do you want to know the truth about your parents? Or have you always known?’

He slowly began to walk towards her, if he was to speak the truth of their connection aloud then no one else in the galaxy would hear it.

‘You’ve just hidden it away.’ This secret, this thing that bound them together would be theirs and no one else’s. The world may only see her as a scavenger, in truth she WAS only a scavenger, but to him she was so much more than that. She was a kindred spirit, someone else who had known the betrayal of a family and he wanted no others to know of this truth that they shared. It was something that belonged to them alone.

’You know the truth, say it’ He moved closer, towering over her as if trying to physically press the answers out of her.

‘Say it’ He whispered.

‘They were nobody’

‘They were filthy junk traders, who sold you off for drinking money.’ Her breath caught at the revelations he was laying before her. It was breaking her heart to finally admit what she’d always known, yet all he could feel was gratitude to the drunkards who had brought her into the world. In leaving her behind on Jakku they had made her his equal. They had bestowed upon her the same pain that he had been forced to bear for so many years and planted within her a darkness that would never leave her.

‘They’re dead, in a pauper’s grave in the Jakku desert. You have no place in this story.’ Finally, her sobs began in earnest. Tears created streaked lines that ran through the dirt and sweat covering her face. Yes, it would hurt her now, but in time she would become stronger for it. They would become stronger for it as she left everything behind. She would come to realise that she would have a place in the story, from then on. Her connection to him would make her a part of the story.

’You come from nothing, you’re nothing.’ A flash of red cut sharply through the pain he could feel coming from her side of the bond. She was angry at him and her eyes narrowed slightly even as her tears continued to fall.

‘But not to me.’ And that was what had confused him most. He was a prince, heir to the most powerful bloodline in the galaxy. He shared the blood of Sith lords and Jedi masters, of Queens and so-called ‘war heroes’. She was a filthy Jakku scavenger. She shared the blood of drunkards, people who would pawn away their child in the hopes it would earn them just a little more sustenance for their addictions. Who knew what other secrets lay in her family history; peasants, addicts, criminals, the worst that society had to offer no doubt. And yet to him she could never be nothing.

‘Join me’ Kylo’s hand reached out to her, just as hers had done for him only hours before. Everything in him was screaming out to just take her, but he knew that would not work this time. Before Starkiller, before the bond, before she had touched him and caused his visions… maybe. Now though? She was no longer afraid of him; her powers had manifested themselves into a raw strength he had only ever felt within himself. Her eyes flicked to his hand and it subconsciously opened further to her. He was so desperate for her to stay, he would say anything to make her stay.

‘Please’

------------------------------------------------------------------------

She’d seen their future, it had been solid and clear in her head. They’d been together, their bond washing away the loneliness that had been the only legacy left to her by her parents. And even though she had begun to build a new family around herself, it would never be the same. They would never understand the thin line she walked, the balance that held the galaxy together and the force that flowed through her, becoming just another facet of her own being. Even Leia, a woman with the potential of the Skywalker blood flowing through her veins, refused to understand. When her own son had manifested these abilities, she had chosen to send him away rather than deal with the growing darkness within him. Leia and Han had been the cause of so many betrayals, just as her own parents had been, and Rey felt the echoes of Ben’s lingering pain through their force bond. In so many ways, they were the same.

Rey reached for Kylo’s hand, her own small fingers encompassing his much larger ones. She held onto his wrist, her eyes leaving his to look down at what she was doing. Moving to the hem of his glove, peeling it slowly down his hand until it was bared to her. She would not speak to Kylo, masked and covered and disguised.

‘Ben,’ her eyes flew back to his, ‘come with me’.

‘No’ His hand suddenly gripped hers, causing her to flinch at the unexpected burst of pain, and she could sense his feelings rushing out through their bond; the rage and anger and betrayal that Kylo… no, that Ben felt. He had sacrificed everything for their shared vision of the future. His master lay dead on the floor behind them. Yet what had she given? Dragging him back to the resistance, back to the general, she would have everything, and he would have only her to cling to. They would never accept him back and he would never accept their skewed moralities, their belief that only theirs was the correct path.

‘You’re right, Ben,’ his grip on her hand loosened slightly, ‘I’d never ask you to go to the resistance. You don’t belong there; but you don’t belong here either.’ She gently pulled on his open hand, pulling him a step closer to her and looking up into his face. His eyes, where only a moment before they had been alight with rage, were suddenly blown wide open. He looked so vulnerable in that moment. He was no longer in charge of their negotiations, was no longer the one offering her everything. Instead it was Rey, a mere scavenger, who held all the power.

‘We’ll run, as far as we need to go to be safe from them all. If we can’t live in each other’s worlds, then we’ll create our own. Just please, order them to stop firing.’ This was it, this was what she would give up to be with him. Her burgeoning family; Finn and Leia and Chewie, even BB-8, she would leave them all behind her but at least she would know that they were safe.

‘Let it all go, Ben. Snoke, Luke, Leia, Han, the First Order, all of it.’ There was a pause, ‘Please’.

For a moment, everything was still. She could feel her pulse racing loudly in her ears as he considered her offer. He turned slightly away from her, extending his free hand to pull the Skywalker lightsaber towards him. Every nerve ending in her body was screaming out, a residual scavenger instinct of never allowing herself to be unarmed, especially in the presence of someone so dangerous and unstable. But she tamped her feelings down. She would trust him.

He rolled the lightsaber over and over in his palm, it was instantly familiar and practically singing in his hand. Only a short time before he would have destroyed her to get his hands on his family lightsaber. But he now knew that it wasn’t his anymore. He had his own lightsaber, cracked and unstable and roughly made, but undeniably his. He handed his grandfather’s lightsaber over to its rightful inheritor, studying her face closely as he did so and seeing it relax at feeling the familiar weight in her palm. He almost roughly grabbed her chin, still not used to human contact that didn’t involve violence and humiliation, and tilted her face upwards to meet his gaze.

‘Together?’ He whispered. She knew what he was asking of her, he was trusting her with everything he was. All the parts of Kylo and Ben that made up the man before her- the darkness, and the light. He was trusting her in the same way he had trusted his parents, and then his Jedi master, and then Snoke. She had the power to destroy him and he was asking her instead for her help to rebuild, to fix the parts of himself he had thought gone forever. She smiled at him warmly.

‘We’ll never have to be alone again’

He dragged her to him, lips crashing together. It took her a moment to overcome her shock, but she quickly responded, throwing her hand and the lightsaber it clutched around his neck. Rey knew exactly what this was, there was no romance behind this, no lust momentarily clouding his mind. This was need, a pure need to be with someone who would understand his torment and to no longer feel alone in the galaxy. Kylo had been right when he’d peered into her mind on Starkiller.

You’ve been so lonely; every moment on Jakku had been so terrifyingly lonely, but not anymore, she refused to be alone anymore.

Don’t be afraid, I feel it too; words said in a different time with different meaning, yet now she understood them perfectly.

His own free hand curved around the back of her head, grasping her to him as his thumb moved fiercely and erratically against her cheek and jaw. Their lips were clumsy against each other, their grips too tight and their pulses running too fast. But in that moment, neither cared. This was their future. Together.

Chapter 2

#fanfic #reylo #reylo fanfic #reylo fandom #star wars

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theinsanecrayonbox · 8 years

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BatB Franjay Edition

ok i know we’ve come up with like 2-3 other versions before, but here’s another because i am super-duper trash

Francis and Molly are the illegitimate children of a very bad prince; possibly the same mother, possibly Molly’s mother took in Francis, but they have the same father. the Prince staged a coupe to dethrone his father-the aging King-by killing his family making him the only heir. even the servants were caught in this; no witnesses, no one to challenge him. Francis and Molly fought back though; one of them killed their father. and as he laid their dying, the court Sorcerer/ess burst in and saw the carnage, and blamed the bastard nobles.

so the two were cursed to take the forms of the house that they had slaughtered; the bull and the lion. the only way for the curse to be broken is for one of them to legitimize their claim to the throne, and restore the bloodline to the land.

so for years, the local village gets this legend about the deepest darkest parts of the forest being home to a wild beast of evil. most liken it to a werewolf-actually it’s Molly, the lioness. no one goes into the deep woods, and as long as there’s an offering of a goat or whatnot left at the fork in the road every moon, they seem to be left alone.

anyways, Sanjay is a visiting prince from a far off land (lol cliche but whatevs) and is passing through the local village. of course the town pulls out all the stops for him, because oo prettys. he hits it off with a peasant girl (Chloe or Tootie), who sorta becomes his guide around town, letting him feel like a normal person..actually, he’s pulled a pauper disguise, and acts like one of the guards/attendants at first, because actually the villagers think it’s a Princess that’s coming through, and is hidden from view (maybe the closest Prince needs a queen, so that’s why they think that?). he gets a tad enamored with the local big game hunter/ex-commander Ben, until Ben starts talking about just marrying the Princess for money and blahblahblah.

moving forward, Ben takes Sanjay out hunting, thinking it’d give him some street cred with the Princess, if Sanjay starts talking about his epic skills. they go too deep into the woods, and Molly attacks them. Sanjay ends up getting lost and running into the ruins of the castle, where he runs into the beast, aka the bull, Francis.

blahblahblah, typical BatB stuffs...wolves, Francis lets it slip that “she usually keeps them away” meaning Molly. but they start to bond, start to fall for each other

but while that’s happening, Molly was hurt by Ben. she winds up in...yeah we’ll say Chloe’s farmhouse, because Chloe sorta knows about them, so she has to help nurse her back to health, but that’s when Molly learns about the “Princess”, and thinks this is her one shot to turn human again. and how does she learn about that; because when Ben returned from his hunt sans-Sanjay, the royal party starts to panic because their noble is missing (he didn’t tell anyone where he was going, bad boy). so Ben starts to plan a search party, and he goes to Chloe since she was seen hanging around the royal tent so much, thus Molly over heard and escaped to go home to tell Francis.

but when the Lion returns to find the Bull shacking up with someone strange, well she is not happy. they fight, she accuses Sanjay of being the missing noble, which surprised Francis of course. more arguing, Molly being all “we’re damned forever now! this was our one shot and you ruined it!” and Sanjay ends up running away, but Francis goes after him...and they get caught by the search party.

so yeah, Ben lording that they caught the beast of the woods, yadda yadda, yadda. Sanjay tries to demand they let him go, but not listening to him; when he reveals he’s the noble, well Ben isn’t happy about that. accusations of bestiality since Sanjay clearly has feelings for the beast; his people tell him that they should just move on, lest a true scandal erupt. he runs away again though, back to the castle ruins, where he finds Molly and Chloe (who arrived after they ran off because he came to warn Molly and Francis about the search party) and he tells them what’s happening to Francis, so they devise a plan to go save him.

so that night, when they plan to burn the hellbeast at the stake i guess, the other beast attacks and people freak out. Ben of course has to be macho hero trying to defeat, but he ain’t gonna make it...they get Francis free, but they can’t fight the whole village, but a broken beast, a beast, a girl, and a boy...so they run back to the woods as far as they can, because Francis starts to collapse. Ben finds them; Molly is cut off from them due to another path taken, trying to draw teh mob from her brother. Sanjay fights him, ends up defeating him (kill? knockout? idk...) but Francis is almost gone. Sanjay professes his love, says some prayer/marriage vow in his native tongue? and...magic happens.

because in his heart, the Prince married his Bull. so the illegitimate prince, has become a real prince, his sister a princess. the ruined castle rebuilds, and the villagers are all “uh...whoa...”

and thus peace returned to the land and they all lived happily ever after

#franjay #thinking outloud #my writing

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impromptu-manifesto · 7 years

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10 Eating Rules Foreign Kids Know That Americans Don't

French women don't get fat and, as it turns out, neither do French kids.

by Jami Ganz

Sure, America might be known as The Land of the Free, but we’re also known as The Land of Fatty Fast Foods and Obesity. But fear not! Despite the staggering obesity rates our country has ("above 20 percent in all states" as of September 2016), there's still hope.

Check out some eating tricks followed by countries around the world, and get on the track to healthy.

France: Sugary Breakfasts are a No-No

Forget about Count Chocula and the Trix Rabbit. In other parts of the world, the first meal of the day is more hearty and nutritious.

In France, breakfast usually consists of some fruit and maybe a croissant. Be sure to incorporate some kind of healthy food with the most important meal of the day, be it a banana atop your (non-sugary) cereal or an apple and peanut butter on the side. It might take a little more effort than grabbing a Pop-Tart on the go, but you’ll be happier in the long run.

France: No More Eating Feelings

While a pint of Ben & Jerry’s may ease the sting of a breakup, the extra weight it leads to just makes things more difficult.

Despite the "bread, chocolate, even rich sauces made from real butter and cream" that the French eat so frequently, their bodies don't suffer the consequences. The key is portion control. Instead of gorging on three chocolate bars, maybe have a third of one and save the rest for another day. You'll still get the taste, but you won't stretch our your jeans in the process.

Italy: Decrease Your Pasta Intake

As most carb-lovers know, pasta and associated foods—despite how delicious they are—aren’t exactly the best things to gorge on. It’s a shame, we know, but rarely does something that tastes that good end up being entirely good for you.

While it’s fine to indulge on occasion, you might want to be wary of a diet rooted in pasta. There’s, sadly, a study from 2009 that concluded, “In a large healthy Italian population, non-predefined dietary patterns including foods considered to be rather unhealthy, were associated with higher levels of cardiovascular risk factors…” as well as other risks. On the other hand, “A ‘prudent-healthy’ pattern” displayed the opposite.

Perchance To Cook

So while this means you should be careful about how much real pasta you eat, Greatist suggests trying spaghetti squash as a substitution for your pasta—it even looks like it! If you’re more of a zucchini person, zucchini noodles are also gaining popularity.

Japan: It Looks as Pretty as It Tastes

Sushi is perfect for chic date nights and quick, healthy meals on the go, but have you ever wondered why your portions look so small compared to other cultures’ meals? Well, for one, the sushi we know and love today was developed “in the early 19th century … [and] was sold from stalls as a snack food, and those stalls were the precursors of today’s sushi restaurants.”

Though we’d all like to get larger portions, especially since sushi is among the more expensive meal choices, there’s a benefit to relying on these smaller sizes. It’s been suggested that a smaller portion will actually make a person crave less food to be satisfied.

The Japanese capitalize on their compact portions by focusing on the visual aesthetic of what's being served, which could account for the "bright veggies [which] provide a range of healthy vitamins and minerals," rather than just serving as pretty filler.

Ethiopia: Know What You're Eating and How Much

While Italy might be known for its family-style meals, you probably shouldn’t try it in Ethiopia. As noted above, injera is popular, and according to Greatist, a typical diet includes “shared dishes scooped up with injera.”

While that sounds delicious, it can make it difficult to know exactly how much you’re eating of what. Try taking your portion first and keeping “individual servings on a plate” to better help you in keeping track.

Ethiopia: The Heartier The Better

If you're a fan of beans and the like, you might want to take a lesson from Ethiopia, as the cuisine emphasizes root vegetables, beans, and lentils. Vegans and vegetarians would be welcome too, since the diet is “light on dairy and animal products.”

Want to try your hand at a traditional Ethiopian meal? Start with Injera, a flatbread known for its high fiber, protein, and vitamin C. Greatist suggests using it as an alternate for rice.

Mexico: Pick the Right Beans

If you don’t already opt for black beans over refried, you might want to start. In case you don’t know what those reddish brown refried beans are, well, the name says it all. Though the exact process of making them varies, you might very well be eating something that was "[fried] in lard or oil [which] significantly ups the calories."

It kind of defeats the purpose of your "healthy" burrito bowl, right? (We're not even going to get started on how many calories you're consuming at Chipotle.) Other, non-fried beans are a healthier alternative, given their "high levels of protein, fiber, and vitamins."

Mexico: Focus on Lunch

There's a motto often thrown about when people are discussing a healthy lifestyle, and it's along the lines of "Breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince, and [dinner] like a pauper." Like the French, Mexicans are also very focused on a meal that isn't dinner. (It isn't breakfast either though.)

In fact, Mexicans are focused on lunch, known to them as almuerzo, "a mid-day feast that's the largest meal of the day." The idea that food consumed later on in the day might lead to more weight gain than if it had been consumed earlier, despite equivalent calories, isn't entirely far-fetched.

So you might want to think about downing those tortillas and guacamole with the chimichanga before the sun goes down—if you can't be persuaded to have a balanced meal of vegetables and lean protein, that is, or fajitas without the tortillas.

Sweden: Healthy Bread Exists

Remember when we discussed Italy and pasta and mourning the reality of the impact of consuming an excessive amount of carbohydrates? Us too. Well, there is one silver lining we can point you to here.

Take note of the Swedish diet, in which bread is a prime component. No, not all bread—put down the ciabatta—but rye bread for sure. Hailed for the amount of fiber it contains, rye is a great fix for those of us who will never be convinced that whole wheat bread is anything more than "edible"—and we use that term loosely—cardboard.

According to Livestrong, getting more insoluble fiber from rye can also help to normalize your cholesterol levels, in turn "reducing your risk of heart disease." Opting for whole grain rye can also help with lowering your risk of type 2 diabetes. We don't know about you, but we're going to give rye bread another look.

China: Chopsticks Aren't Just For Fun

It isn't just about what you eat, but how you eat. Similarly to the theory that a smaller plate leads to less consumption, the Chinese custom of eating with chopsticks could also help you to eat less.

It actually has to do with the fact that utilizing chopsticks takes longer than eating with a fork. It takes about twenty minutes to digest your food, and so if it takes you longer to eat it, the easier it is to curb overeating.

According to a Japanese study, “eating rate is associated with obesity and other cardiovascular risk factors and therefore may be a modifiable risk factor in the management of” both.

China: Avoid Takeout Consequences

While takeout is the ultimate argument for staying in on a Friday or Saturday night (aside from Netflix, of course), and Chinese is the default choice for those who do takeout, be careful with what you order.

Plenty of Chinese restaurants will use MSG, which "has been linked to a number of negative health effects, including headaches and numbness" in certain people. Greatist advises picking a restaurant that doesn't use it—or better yet, learning how to make authentic Chinese dishes on your own.

Greece: Plants Matter

While plenty of Greek food is marked by the use of cheese, meat, or oils, Greatist notes that each of these is eaten in moderation. In fact, Mediterranean cuisine is rooted heavily in plants—no pun intended.

This doesn't just mean vegetables either, but fruits and legumes as well; the rest is only used a bit in comparison. According to a Tufts University study, "Greens boast the highest vegetable intake in the world." In fact, a single meal could consist of anywhere from "three to four servings of vegetables."

It's probably safe to say that most American meals are nowhere near that healthy.

Greece: Nutty Habits

If you like having something to snack on when you're on the go, try eating more nuts. They're common in the Mediterranean and, aside from being tasty, they contribute healthy fats to your diet. Seeds are another good option, as is olive oil—though again, all of these should be consumed in moderation.

Good luck eating like a European!

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