#maybe tomorrow im tired asf

[layraket]

i didn't have the opportunity to finish the whole thing today (fuck maths homework) so can u accept a happy wolfie as a compensation?

at this point im thinking on this as an AU

they just being silly creatures, the same aventure but with different events and with little creatures running around

[wasteland-lover]

post concert pics

[toastsnaffler]

nvm im too tired and overstimulated for this shit

[kentocidal]

im so tired. dazai and ace gn reader just kissing and being sappy asf. i trust u

users: qpp!osamu dazai x ace!gn!reader

internal warnings: this is written as a qpp relationship, but reader’s discretion. no warnings; fluff, brief alcohol usage, mention of smoking (barely), kissing n cuddling

internal notes: banging my fists on the table. I! LOVE! QPP! SMOOCHING!

you took in a deep breath as you shoved your way through the front door and pushed your shoes and jacket off.

no, it wasn’t your place. but you made yourself right at home, dropping your jacket on the floor and dragging your feet into some slippers that didn’t belong to you. you wandered into the kitchen and grabbed a beer as you heard chuckling from the living room.

“would’ve been nice of you to call, you know.”

“i live here. shut up.” you rolled your eyes, popping the beer can open and finally turning to look at the actual resident of the place you so rudely barged into.

dazai was smiling lazily at you, sipping his own beer, clearly lounging during a rare night in. you, however, did not have that luxury; kunikida kept you behind to clean up one of dazai’s messes.

“you’re a real jackass.”

“and yet, you’re here in my apartment. how interesting is that!” he laughed again, tilting his head as you moved to sit next to him on the couch and deflate like a punctured beach ball.

“your place was closer than mine. i didn’t want to walk home.”

“you had kunikida drop you off.”

“i had kunikida drop me off.” you took a swig of your beer and made a face. “couldn’t even get better beer? this is shit.”

“didn’t know you were coming, your highness. will you ever forgive me?”

“i’m mad at you,” you stated, but it came out more like you were remembering that you were supposed to be mad rather than actually being mad. you yawned, covering your mouth with the back of your hand, and dazai sat up to reach toward the coffee table and use the remote to shut the television off.

“you look exhausted.”

“wow, thanks.” you shot dazai a look, and he just smiled a bit and shrugged with one shoulder.

“just making an observation.”

he kept his mouth shut for just a moment and let you sip your shitty beer, and then put it down. you sat back again in his couch, turning your head to look at him.

dazai pushed some of his hair back from his face as he shifted us position, resting his upper back against the armrest and bringing one of his legs up onto the couch cushions. he hummed as he opened his arms to you, “c’mon. you look like you need a little something.”

you let out a tiny breath, almost of relief, kicking your slippers off to move and crawl over him.

dazai understood you. you had no drive for romance, not wanting any form of relationship, really, but the need for human connection was always there. dazai had understood from the moment you said it.

you rested your weight on him, feeling his arms wrap around you with practiced ease. his one hand moved to your chin and guided your face towards his. you let your eyes flutter shut as your lips gently met his. he tasted like menthol and peppermint. maybe he did know you were coming over. he was always intuitive.

he kissed you so gently, almost sweetly, but it was more an expression of human connection. it made you feel warm, cared for, comfortable.

you pulled away and he didn’t chase. you settled your cheek against his collarbone and felt his lips graze over your hairline, his long fingers tracing over your back as he held you.

“seriously though, you look like shit. you should sleep.”

“i could absolutely wring your neck right now.”

“you would? really? oh, thank- ow! hey!” you pinched him in the side, huffing against his neck in annoyance.

“shut up. i’m trying to relax here.” you grumbled against his skin, and you heard his laugh rumble in his chest.

“fine, fine. since you did me a favor, i guess i’ll let you use me like a mattress.”

“you owe me a lot more than this.”

“can i pay you in kisses?”

“no. but you can pay me with lunch tomorrow.”

“hm, fair.” dazai mumbled into your hair as he fully went limp under you, and you know he shut his eyes, too. your annoyance faded into that deep feeling of care and gratefulness as you nuzzled more into the crook of his neck.

dazai was an ass, but he was your ass. you could keep him around.

[fandangotales]

wassup guys gals and non binary pals

IM BACK

tired asf tho. I’ll get to the asks tomorrow, or maybe the day after that. 😭

time changes are terrible omfg.

[allofuswantgwinam]

1. I went to the gas station again tn but he was not there 😭 i was gonna be brave since im no longer confushion after last night 🤣 hopefully he’s there tomorrow cause im lowkey nervous he could get transferred soon bc that place be like that. I get attached to my friends that work there and then they just disappear😭😭😭 or im happy bc someone who annoyed me is gone 🤣🤣 guess it just depends 💀

2. Im done house sitting so I’m home now and literally when i got here i was so excited bc the cat from my neighborhood that i lowkey saved/stole *it’s a whole story, maybe I’ll make a post rambling about it later 🤣 it’s also not even lowkey, the whole street I live on supports me 😭😭🫶🏼 one of the lil kids called me her leader bc the cat doesn’t fw anyone but me 😭😭😭 and now my mom bc my mom started caring about the cat bc of me which is why she’s ours now 🤌🏼* is so excited that I’m back and it’s just hit me a minute ago that this is technically the first time I’ve been gone this long since she’s been more of an inside cat. it is so precious. I was like “girl, can I please just roll a blunt i love u why are I like this” and then it hit me 🤣🤣 she might have felt abandoned and confused BUT I literally made a whole trip to my house during this time period to bring her stupid ass back inside bc my mom had to go to bed and she told me the cat was out bc she knows I can’t live with that so of course I drove over here and luckily she was waiting under my moms car ready to come inside so she should know better, she stuck with me but anyways my other cat that we’ve had since I was like 4 is so old and he has the will of a mfer. he didn’t even get up when I got home and I’ve been a mix of emotions 😭😭 I was talkin to him and cryin bc I know he’s not happy and we don’t wanna really make the decision, we just want him to go to sleep and it’s sad asf. that has been my bestest friend for 20+ years. And it stresses me out bc these two cats have a dominance thing over me it’s soooo funny but also stressful, but liiike this old cat has not moved a muscle besides staring at me with his tired eyes😭😭… but this other cat has been in my face even as I am typing this rn she need to calm down 🤣🤣🤣 hopefully in like next 10 minutes max im smoking a blunt 🤞🏼💀

[justarandomsideblog]

Last thing I'm gonna say on this (for tonight) I promise;

So I was rewatching the trip scene and my dumbass self just realized Fizz and Blitz' past friendship was practically confirmed before this recent episode...

"It's often how you treat those who stand by you, such as myself."

Moxxie, standing with Verosika (his ex who is hinted to have genuinely loved him), Striker (someone who had very quickly become a friend, who he seemed to have been attracted to and who saw Blitz' potential and wanted Blitz to come with him) and... Fizzarolli. And Verosika, Fizz and Blitz all have a broken heart on them somewhere, which my guess is represents that Blitz had a very close relationship (not necessarily romantic, since we don't know his relationship with Fizz, but possibly?) with both of them and his actions against them hurt not only himself, but them as well.

And then, directly after this, the three turn to muk and leave while Moxxie transforms into a princess and approaches him. After it all, Stolas and Moxxie turn to gold, rather than Muk, and disappear, and Blitz gets wrapped up in the gold, trapping him there all by himself...

So this might just be my "I'm awake at 1 AM after working a 9 hour shift" brain overanalysing things but, knowing that Blitz actually legitimately hates himself enough to scribble his own face out of pictures and pushes people away so they can't leave him first....

He turned Striker's offer down out of loyalty for IMP (maybe even, at that moment, specifically Moxxie) and burned any hope of that bridge being crossed, but the other two? These are people he was close with and loved and somehow he probably hurt them. Badly. Maybe this imagery was showing him feeling like he ruined them, and they left because of it. They turn to muk and then leave.

But Moxxie and Stolas? They're given royal imagery. They don't turn to muk (though they came from the muk as well). They're people who are portrayed as being his salvation (especially Stolas), though that salvation comes with chains which makes him fear it, and they're completely untouchable by him. They turn to gold and are blown away by the wind after he yells at them to shut up. Then the golden feathers they and their surroundings turn to begin to bind Blitz. They're too good for him- he hasn't ruined them... yet.

Moxxie isn't ruined, but this episode- in Blitz' mind he has put Stolas on this pedestal. So what happens now that he's seen Stolas' fall? What now that he knows Stolas isn't this untouchable, unreachable, infallible being, this salvation he craves but fears to have? Now that Stolas is losing so much, and it's all because of him? Because loving (or wanting to love) Stolas, and being loved (or wanting to be loved) by Stolas is, in itself, destroying Stolas' life. Just like Blitz' fear of being loved or giving love destroyed his relationships with Verosika and Fizz, and maybe even temporarily destroyed them. Just like choosing Moxxie & Co over Striker means he can never even find out what it could have been, losing that relationship before it even begins.

Verosika loved him. Loved him enough to get a tattoo with his name in a heart, to still be bitter to this day about their breakup and what he did to her, to still have not moved on despite having possibly years to do so. Enough that she's still hung up on him, even if she doesn't admit it.

Striker was interested in him, at the very least. He saw potential in Blitz, felt like his talents were being wasted with IMP, with Millie and Moxxie. He wanted Blitz to join him, because he saw something in Blitz few other people did (or maybe he saw what the others who loved him had, the thing Blitz himself never could see).

Fizzarolli loved him, no idea if it was romantically (this is my bet, that pose in that one picture is just sus and he also has the broken heart symbol just like Blitz and Verosika?) or platonically, but he definitely loved him in some form or fashion. They were friends since childhood, probably had dreams of performing together. Grew up together, still hangin' out in their teen/young adult years. We have no idea what happened here, but whatever happened I bet they both blame Blitz for it, but in typical Blitz fashion he pushes the blame outwards and lashes out, just like he did with Verosika.

Stolas loves him but Blitz can't see past the societal gap and transactional relationship. And though Blitz knew there were some problems at home, he's now been slapped in the face with Stolas' family falling apart, juxtaposed with Blitz' past ruined relationships. He is blamed for Stolas' life falling apart- and Stolas did not defend him or refute it. In seconds that infallible image of untouchable salvation crumbles to dust. (But Stolas doesn't leave. At least, in Blitz' mind, not yet.)

Yet Moxxie, who cares about Blitz but does not love him, who is not dependent on him, who did not grow up with him, who already works with him and could leave at any time and be no worse for wear, is untouchable, and Blitz is hyper aware that Moxxie is too good for him and, to be honest, Hell even. At this point, he's just waiting for the shoe to drop- just like it just did with Stolas.

[prettyporcelain]

YEA SO IM ANFRY ASF I LITERALLY PROMISED MYSELF TO CONTROL EVERYTHING AND NOW IM NOT COUNTING CALORIES UNTIL SUNDAY AHG.

Ok so I'm going to vent a little about how am I feeling and what am I going to do because I'm about to literally freak out.

Okay so yesterday and today I've been eating a lot and not counting/not counting properly cuz I had two exams and I was literally so stressed. I think that probably most of my intake that was an excess came from emotional eating, representing my stress and my anxiety. Anyways so tomorrow I'm going to have lunch with my grandma in a restaurant which I don't have the menu and I don't know if have lowcal options, so I don't want to calculate anything wrong for that day, and that means that I'm probably will not count tomorrow and will not count on Sunday because it's mother's Day, and I'm going to eat with my family and I don't wanna get more stressed than I am rn, and i don't wanna to get overwhelmed.

These days I've been selecting my limit by myself but I think that if I really want to get back on track it's the moment of starting a new diet, and I have to choose which one I want to do, because I'm on my last semester of my school year (I'm a junior in my country lol) and I don't want to fail everything... So, I'm going to do something that isn't too low calorie but also isn't like too high, and I'm going to stick on it and try not to binge or not to break it. And well, I'll see... I'll have this little break because I really been having a shit time every day. Also i'm going to start getting back on track principally because I gained weight and that's my motivation, bc that makes me feel awful; and I'm fucking pissed off because I had to eat but ik that in these 3 days my intake is not going to be more than 1800 calories approximately so I probably will not gain weight or, I'll gain idk... 2lbs maybe (? The only thing I learned is that when I overeat I get bloated, and mostly it's bc of water weight. Mayyybe if I do a fast on Monday or start this new diet, on the next week all of that water weight should be gone. I just have to be patient.

Anyways this is how I'm feeling right now. I don't know how to describe it perfectly, I just know that I'm uncomfortable but I don't want to get more stressed. I'm just going to take a deep breath knowing that I'm going to eat a little more but that's not going to affect me because I've been eating in a deficit as we all are, and then I'll get back on track. it's only 3 days but....shit, it makes me feel that I'm failing my ED. I know I'm not, but every time I feel fat and I feel that I don't have any control because I ate and sometimes I don't count, and I just feel invalid all the time. It's really awful. I know that I have an eating disorder, I just can't accept it. Literally I can't stand the fact that I'm going to spend these 3 days like this and that the name of the illness that I have its anorexia. Like my brain goes like "how the fuck you are an anorexic if you're eating all of this shit you fat pig"

I just can't feel better. I feel shame. Guilt. I just want that Monday finally arrive because I wanna start this new diet to get back on track. I'm tired of feeling fat and heavy and invalid. I'm tired of eating 1300 calories or 1000 calories. I just really miss when I ate like 500 calories maximum. But well that's a small detail.

Now I just have to concentrate on why am I going to do on Monday and pretend that this weekend it's not going to exist. And I have to remember that if I gain weight it's probably water weight.

Okay if you read all of this thank you ily

[harryfeatgaga]

OKAY I KNEW THIS IS MAYBE PRETTY ANNOYING FOR YOUR BLOG BUT PAIGEEEE IM OFFICIALLY FULLY VACCINATED!! AND STILL WEARING MY MAKES TO STAY AWAY FROM NASTY MUSTY GERMS😌! ANYWAYS THAT VACCINE MADE ME SLEEPY ASF I MEAN I GOT IT YESTERDAY AND IM STILL TIRED AND WEAK LMAO

YESSSSSSSSS LOVE THAT FOR YOUUUUUUU YOU SHOULD FEEL BACK TO NORMAL TOMORROW <333 AND YES SAME IVE STAYED WEARING MY MASK EVEN WHEN MY STATE LIFTED THE MANDATE ITS JUST FOR THE BEST EHBFGHUJVIK

[macklives]

session 13 end

okay!!! we’re back with rose which means this session has come to an end. damn i should do more midnight liveblogs but i dont like keeping ppl awake lmfao and it is A LOT. but more ppl are asleep in my timezone so less conflict of spam.

im pretty sure that was *the* longest session i have ever done and i didnt even plan on it until this evening but im pretty sure i pissed a few people off bc im down 10 followers agjjhss idc yall im just happy dave is here and i know his name.

but i have work tomorrow, oh god, so i now gotta rest while i still can. especially since its 2 in the morning!! we’ve been at this marathon for fucking 2 hours.

anyways, lets digest mi amigos

so im not gonna lie. sbahj was WEIRD but i sort of enjoyed it? but only bc i understand that kind of humour. doesn’t mean i use it, but i understand the ironic purpose of it. especially since dave made it and i have to give him a break bc he is 13 and ive read his texts - lad can be funny asf. but some parts did make me laugh. others were kind of endearing if you push past the art style and weird layout. my favourite part was when the husbands were having problems but then hella jeff was going to the gym/zoo to fix it out so he can be back with sweet bro. sweet bro was a little bit of a nonce tho ngl, but he made up for it with hugs and telling hella jeff how cool he was at the end. hella jeff was unproblematic. let me tell you that. except when they roleplayed as sherlock and watson. he was a bit weird in that but i didnt show it bc i couldnt agjsjss

wait, no, the ending was weird. when dave made it 40+. im so glad i didnt actually show the smut to yall. im not sure tumblr would have allowed it anyways. even if i blurred the whole thing.

anyways, i can’t believe i didn’t start of this off by saying WE FUCKING MET DAVE, THE WHOLE PURPOSE OF THIS MIDNIGHT RUN

i do really love his character, and we explored around his room and found some interests. weird interests but i do find them endearing. hes a lad. dave is one funny bloke. i will say that until i die. his name screams fratboy. but its also just endearing??? like he does look like a dave. he contemplated pissing on his turntable agjsjdhd like KID, CHILL. but it confirmed one theory: he’s not a rich fuckboy. i mean, maybe he is, but from what i can tell he aint really. which is alright bc i called him that when i had no name and no face to the red text. 

and his brother likes puppets??? thats a bit weird. i hate those things. not gonna expand on that.

and i think i found my favourite interaction??? rose and dave???? they’re humour just mixes together so well and i love the pair so much????? so obviously their dialogue is going to make me happy to read. i legit can’t wait until they all meet face to face and its just chaotic bc they’ll probably all be in the game and shit. 

anyways, as i said, im pretty much tired so thats all ill say for this session. but hope to continue on when i can and explore rose’s situation :)

i will answer all your asks tomorrow!!!!

[cruddyborderlandstheories]

Eden-6!!

I am. so fucking tired. but I’m also late asf for Eden-6 stuff to the point it got its video release, so here I am playing catch up.

tl;dr: swamp planet!! we get some cool shots of Alitair and Aurelia, i, surprise surprise, still do not trust mr. wainwright, i tried to form an argument that these ruins we see across the planet are abandoned Atlas facilities/ships, but ~who knows~. also i would (and probably will) die for the saurians. i love them so much. one of them has a funky bone hat. it’s great. also also “stop the CoV before they gain control” [looks at trailers and behind closed doors intro] ... uh oh gamers...

“A backwater swampland of a planet, and family home of the Jakobs clan. Eden-6 is covered by lush greenery and stagnant waters, dotted with occasional settlements and the rusted hulks of crashed spaceships. Civilization has never fully taken hold here, and indigenous dangers including ravenous Saurians and semi-sentient Jabbers effectively rule the planet. As if you didn't already have enough to worry about, the Children of the Vault have a presence here as well.”

im excited for the abandoned spaceships, those things look fucking bad. ass.

Ambermire I am guessing is one of the more swampy areas? Jakob’s Manor is obvious, and Fort Sunshine I’m guessing is that abandoned facility we’ve been seeing around the trailers. unfortunately we don’t get too good of a look at the fortress (shakes fist at gearbox) but we do get some other stuff!

im gonna go over the instagram video first because the pics are a treat so we’re saving them for last.

sorry for the progress bars btw lol

i fucking love that gas giant. so much.

swamps are one of my least favorite biomes, but i know gearbox is going to make me love it.

also a look at one of the crashed ships! (i assume) looks like Atlas to me. Or old Hyperion, but tbh idk why Hyperion would be on Eden-6. so Atlas it is.

a look at one of the settlements. i really love the contrast between this planet and Promethea and Athenas.

those gross pod things on the right? idk if they’re egg sacs or plants or what but i both hate them and love them. also whatever that is glowing on the bottom left. i wanna touchy

Jakobs manor!! honestly a lot less extravagant in the front than i was expecting. also now we know this one shot

is definitely not in front of Jakobs Manor. could be the back entrance or smth tho. looks like it leads into a garden-y area.

my question is, is it a Jakobs thing to enjoy hunting? because it seems like it’s a Jakobs thing to enjoy hunting. also i don’t trust Jakobs. I know I’ve said that, like, a bajillion times, but i don’t. and those metal cowboy-lookin’ robots are totally theirs.

im just surprised the Hammerlocks are living in the Manor. I assumed they were like... visiting. now im pretty convinced mr. wainwright down here is evil because only Alistair is on Sanc-III and we’re all assuming that the Sanc-III demo (not the more recent one) takes place after Athenas, right? 

and OMG YES lilith’s tattoos aren’t visible in the newest video on sanc-iii!! im hoping that means she gets her powers back!! im giddy to look over it 30 times i cannot wait. but one post at a time.

evil. evil man.

he either dies or he’s evil i don’t trust him and hammerlocks eye shouldn’t be red in the We Are Mayhem trailer i just... im so suspicious of this man.

AURELIA i love her so much. she was great in TPS, one of my mains. her new outfit is popping, i love the boots.

also she has 2 ice diadem shards now and im terrified yet oddly happy for her.

ALISTAIR. i legitimately thought he was on Promethea at first, then i realized this is probably part of the abandoned facility/fortress. shame we don’t get a closer look at it.

also look who’s eye is back to being not-red again!

also the writing on the back there makes me even more convinced this is Atlas facility. on Promethea, the parts of the Meridian city are labeled with these unique symbols (so far i’ve seen blue and red) and this red one looks like it fits the mark perfectly.

these look like the same canisters from the mine on Pandora. whatcha pumpin eden-6?

more red plants. i like how different this can look from athenas, yet still have very similar foliage. outstanding move, gearbox.

is that another crashed ship in the background??? yes pls. also this dude’s face paint is giving me huge Mask of Mayhem vibes, I love it.

the inside of Jakobs Manor

i hate to tell you this mr. gearbox sir but im pretty sure they do

yeesh. 

also that one scene of troy in the manor as well

dis one

is that the globe in the background? anyone know? im trying to remember where the fuck ive seen that shot of the library/globe. hmmmmmmmmmm

it is not the globe whump whump. i am excited to explore this library tho. 

what looks like fishing net on the right? wild

also car!!

no wings/fins like in the Mask of Mayhem trailer tho, that sucks.

i like this dude. especially his face paint.

i like this glowing crystals even more tho

purple crystals that mimic troy’s red ones? me likey.

eridium? maybe! slag to chug when u need more power? maybe! i don’t know!

j̷̧̭͙̹̭̀̽͆̕͘u̸̦͌̃͛̕̕s̴̡̰͙̣͊̂̔t̴͇̪͐ͅ ̸̭̐́w̵̧̯̲͊̀̃̄̕a̵̢͓̎́̏̓t̷̪̓̑̎͜c̶̢̢͔̀h̴̥̬̪̫̫̿ ̶̪̬̞̼͐̾̉͐̒ơ̵̼̋̍̓̕u̵̻̪̞̞̺̐̾̀̚͠t̶͉̠̟͉̪̋̈̿ ̶̢̗̗͑f̵̰̫͇̈̾ọ̴͑r̶̢͕̺͈͎̃̌͘ ̸̩͆̏̅a̸͈̙̪̋̏ǹ̷̮͚͍̽͜ģ̵̠̀̍̋̔r̴̪̦̾̇̕͠y̷̘͖̜̿͑̅̀ͅ ̷̬̱͉̗͌̇j̵̹͇̽͗̕ā̸̳͇͈̠̺b̴̰̏͜b̴̘͗̔e̷͖̓͊r̸͍̫̻̊͆̊s̸̛̙̳͔̗̋̓͝ 

also check that glowy light in the background. totally Atlas.

also also i like they have little hanging nest/house things. those are really cute.

this motherfucker is coming at us with a sledgehammer ffs

i like their tiger stripe designs. they blend in with the leaves, which i guess is an evolutionary advantage all things considered.

I LOVE THESE FUNKY LITTLE MOTHERFUCKERS

LOOK AT THIS DUDE!!! HE’S GOT A BONE HAT! I LOVE HIM!!!

AND THEY FUCKING BREATHE FIRE??

GLOWING YELLOW EYES!!!

A SPLIT JAW! WHO DOESN’T LOVE THESE LITTLE DUDES???

i fucking love Saurians holy shit

okay okay okay okay

picture time 😎

i love the skybox on Eden-6, holy shit it’s beautiful. also, those sacs/plants/fungi or whatever are definitely volatile.

look at that one glowing red one. that’s totally going to deal some fuckin fire damage to whatever touches it and i for one am ready

also.

can we get an F in chat for Eden-6? lmao i remember being like ‘oh look a gas giant’ in my analysis of every museum of mayhem piece and COMPLETELY FORGETTING that eden-6 has a gas giant directly beside it. big brain fart there.

holy shit i love the color schemes for these things. i know there are blue ones as well, but these orange/yellow/red ones are FANTASTIC. i especially love the shiny yellow ones. they’re so pretty!!

we also get a mostly obscured window in the back there

possibly part of the abandoned facility? but more than likely just part of a crashed ship.

like (im assuming) this one!

the doors match up to Sanctuary-III quite well. also the bones on the ground. i love the regrowth aesthetic they’ve got going on here.

also apparently ratches have made their home here. these things are fuckin everywhere. they’re like the new rakk holy shit

MY BEAUTIFUL BOYS

look at the one on the bottom right! those blue markings are fuckin stunning and i love the little fins on the sides of his head

and that giant skeleton in the background? that’s some good shit right there! im hoping those are fireflies/some sort of glowing insect around the front there. so we can have pockets of glowing orbs dancing around the map as we explore.

oooo

i really like the hulls of the ships, the one on the far left and the one in the back right.

im mostly interested in this tree. i wonder if it just regrew around some debris or if this is making the stuff on this planet grow wildly out of control. I’m always down for science gone wrong! and with atlas, pretty much anything could go horribly wrong. that’s just their way of doing things.

anyway it is 4 in the am and i am tired, so im gonna pass tf out now and hopefully do Fl4k’s trailer, and a few other posts i gotta catch up on, tomorrow! so hyped for fl4k info!!

[dunkelgedanken12]

im ok

I suffer immensely with imposter syndrome in many ways.  I feel like I don’t deserve my accomplishments because I don’t think I’ve worked hard for them.  I also have it with the mental health issue: I know deep inside I do have bipolar disorder but since I am not clinically diagnosed I really can’t seem to be honest with people about that.  I also feel it in partaking substances.  Am I really drunk right now or am I faking it to seem cool or like I’m not a stuck up bitch.  I’ve never had this much to drink before in one sitting and I feel absolutely trashed but I’m still conscious of my own decisions so am I really drunk or am I drunk on social interaction?  

{redacted} also told me that I’m very standoffish and that’s okay because I feel like for a long time that’s what I wanted people to see me as but it made me feel shittt because I have worked so hard to change my personality to match one’s I find attractive to be around so the fact that someone still sees me as unapproachable is kinda of news to me.  I dunno I’m laying in bed drunk asf (at least I’m pretty sure) and I cannot ducking sleep because I’m either drunk or manic or both and my mind is going 1000 miles a minute and reverything I’m feels so fast and I dunno if I’m even gonna wake up tomorrow because I don’t trust myself to drink but because I’m manic and I did my blood sugars are probably fucked and yeah idk if I’ll even wake up tomorrow.

 But that’s fine because this was the best night I’ve had in the foreseeable past and I’m super lucky to have the friends I do and I love them a lot and I’m glad that I feel safe because i never feel safe to be myself around anyone and I’ve convinced myself if I don’t act like I think I should that I’m not loveable and someone people want to be around so I’ve created this mold of what I think I should be like when I’m in social situations and I’m trying to finally let that go but I’m also thinking maybe I just can’t be myself unless I’m 100 percent completely alone and my life has revolved around this for 20 years and it’s all I’ve ever known so I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to just me myself.  And that goes back to imposter syndrome because I don’t even know who I am and maybe this is who I am but I always feel different and out of touch with who I am and what I want and I cling so desperately to things that make me feel like I know how to be.  But what if it’s all fake? If one day I lose my friends and meet new ones with different values and ideals then is that what I’ll be?  

Am i spiraling lol 

Reading what I just said is making me tear up because of the love I have for the people who make me feel safe and also because I’m a very messed up person deep inside and I’m startling to realize I’m not the one to save myself because how can I be drowning and also cast my own life jacket? It’s a spiral that’ll never end and I keep saying it’s fine and I’m fine and everything is fine but I’m just getting hypothermia from this fucking water while I’m staying above.  I can breathe. But I’m not noticing that the sharks have eaten my legs and I’m numb from the waist down and nothing is making sense I feel so fucking out of it typing this I’ll probably forget that I even wrote it but for now this is all I can think about and i haven’t found a way to articulate what I’ve been thinking and feeling until now and it’s making too much sense that I’m fucking terrified of myself and im worried I’ll do something bad to myself:l

I relapsed again recently and I’ve been doing this shit for years and I feel bad because someone told me they were proud of me for being 5 months cleans and then I fucked it all up again and I feel awful but im the only person in charge of my actions but the only person to blame is myself.  Nobody ever told me to cut myself but I do it anyways because I think I deserve pain.  My poor brain is tired of absorbing all the hurt so my body is taking the attacks for it.  I also have bad impulses to do it because I can’t process things and {redacted} says I’m not autistic but it would make sense to me because I struggle with a lot of things that are usually autistic problems like I don’t have ADHD I know that because this is serious but what if i was also just fucking manic and I’m not but I’ve convinced myself of everything.  What if I’m ENTIRELY FICKING NORMAL but I’ve just been deceived by society that there’s things wrong with me?  Like what if everyone has these

Problems and I’m just being an attention whore because the girls with issues are the ones people pay attention to and what if I JUST FUCKING WANT ATTENTION.  what if I’m just looking to be paid attention to because I was ignored by my mom at a developmental part of my life like my therapist said and what if I need to go back to therapy and now I’m trying to get attention from everyone but the person who I need it the most from?  

I always get jealous when nobody notices me because I want to feel important but it’s hard to when your whole life you’ve been taught that unless you have something super interesting to say nobody cares?  

I’m drawn to doing out of the ordinary things because it makes me interesting and all I want is people to see me and acknowledge me and make me feel loved and like I’m important because I never feel fucking important . Even if I do unique  things like aerial I still feel like im the most boring person in the planetS 

I don’t know why I’m so obsessed with attention.  I don’t want to admit it but I just did and it feels fucked up because I hate people who are usually the center of attention but now I realize that it is a fault within me and I’m just projecting I’ve always been ficking projecting and it pisses me off because I try so hard to be noticed and I just fucking disappear. 

 I feel so bad when I’m not invited to things because I get worried people forgot about me and that I immediately don’t matter.  I feel so fucking bad about making it a bigger deal than it is because I’m trying to subtly ask for attention without it being clear but it comes off as annoying and that ficking sucks I don’t want to be annoying but I am everything I do fucking annoyed people.  That’s why my brother makes me feel bad when I’m super passionate about a conversation and he’s uninterested and I DO THE SAME shit back to him but I feel bad when it’s done to me.  I cannot fucking function like a decent human so why do I expect anyone to act the same to me? 

I cannot take what I dish out to people and it’s awful because I try to be nice and respectful and the wrong people have taken advantage of that and the people who actually care get the brunt end of my insecurity.  I get upset at people for being late because I don’t feel like my time matters to them but my time matters to me and I want to make sure I’m spending it the right way before I have none left.  But then I’ll go and sit and do nothing for an hour because I’m too esrly.  I dunno I can feel the alcohol wearing off now after like an hour since I stopped drinking but my mood fucking CRASHED lol.  I’m sure I’ll take some more realizations from this later but Fuvk that was heavy 

Jk not done lol.  I haven’t been working out recently and I’ve been eating like shit and instead of just going back to the gym i decided to say damn let’s just not eat again cuz why tf not and I feel so fucking dumb because I can’t stop eating and it’s driving me crazy and I saw a tiktok that this person is autistic and stims with food and honestly yeah that sounds like me which would explain why I can’t just fucking not eat but sometimes I really good at starving for awhile before I eat a ton again.  I’ve never been thin and I really want to be at least once and I need to do it while I’m young and active lol

{redacted}  told me that people don’t like me because I don’t care and that I’m too nonchalant and that I should act like a hot bitch because I am one but she doesn’t realize I’ve spent my entire life molding myself to how people want to see me or that I act the way I do because it’s easiest.  I’m the one who doesn’t express emotion because that’s the easiest person to be around and I’ve been doing it for so long that I don’t know if I even have genuine feelings anymore.  I can’t even cry unless I’m utterly alone.  I have every urge to cry right now but I can’t because {redacted’s} asleep next to me.  He’s asleep. I can cry but I can’t because he’s still in the room.  It makes no logical sense but nothing ficking makes sense and it’s driving me insane.  I wish I could just fuckin cry in front of people.  I just don’t want to seem weak or that I just want attention because I want the complete opposite I don’t want anyone to ficking see me struggle.  I can tell them and joke about it and shit but to have someone see the chaos unfold from within is something I never liked and never want to show . I’ve never had a chaotic melt down this bad in company of people I love.  It’s always been alone and I don’t want anyone to see this shit because I know it’s fucked up and it makes no sense and it never makes sense to people because I’m the calm one who never has fucking emotions.  I fucking feel everything but I just can’t break the barrier of showing it.  I literally just am unable to break down in front of anyone.  Sometimes I will in front of my mom but quickly retreat away because I’m ashamed of it.  I don’t know why it’s so fucking difficult because it shouldn’t be.  We weren’t meant to suffer alone but that’s exactly what I’m doing to myself.  

And I’m so painfully self aware that I know I’m doing it and I can’t stop myself from running from my feelings anymore it’s fucking exhausting and I’m just done I can’t keep up a everything’s fine front anymore but I still cannot tell someone so I’m stuck in the worst limbo imaginable to me because I’m screaming while my mouth stays shut 

Back to {redacted’s} comments though like I’m not worried If people like me because I have a. Solid support system of friends.  Also she sees me maybe once a week for not very long.  She doesn’t spend every fucking day with me to know how I really am and feel and act. So maybe don’t be a ducking prick and practice what you preach? 

[hayleybaaaby-blog]

im so boreddd

1. If you’ve ever tried drugs or alcohol, what was your reason for first trying it? i was always around someone else when i was trying or doing something, but that was sooo long ago..

2. Do you think you could ever have an abortion if you unexpectedly turned up pregnant right this second? absolutely. i'm not have any more babydaddys. next man i get pregnant by is the guy i wanna end u p with.

3. If you were far from home and needed to sleep for the night, would you choose to rent a crappy motel room for $60 or sleep in your car for free? trust me, as someone who lived in a motel for around exactly a year with my abusive babydaddy, daughter, & baby in my belly .... too much drama, nastiness, & lowlives.

4. Is there a color shirt you’d NEVER wear? i guess i wouldn't wear like neon orange or green lol. actually, probably wouldn't wear anything neon.

5. Is there a situation where you caved into peer pressure and regretted it? all the times i drank underage. it wasn't many, but yeah. miserable.

6. What is your favorite video game console? Why? used to be xbox 360. haven't had one of those in YEARS.

7. Do you like vanilla candles?

sure, i guess.

8. Have you ever been in a relationship that was going great, and then suddenly something weird happened and you just KNEW it was going to be over soon? i dunno?

9. Would you ever bleach your hair platinum blonde? i have bleached my hair plenty of times 😂

10. What are your plans for tomorrow? well, since it's already 2:20 am, tomorrow will be Monday .. I get paid. ✨

11. What did you have for breakfast? didn't eat breakfast.

12. Have you had sex in 2017 yet? consensual & nonconsensual ....

13. Who last slept in your bed besides you? my children lol. 💖

14. What time did you wake up today? couldn't even fall asleep..

15. How long until your next birthday? i'll be 23 on July 12th! 🎈🎉✨

16. What was the last movie you watched? shit idek 😂😂 i only watch shows on Netflix & our DVR. i can't even sit through a movie now loool. think the last one i watched was Stepbrothers.

17. If you could see any musician live, front row, who would you choose? Fetty Wap 😍😍 whateverrr, he's fineee. 18. When did you last consume something that had peanut butter? few days ago. peanut butter and crackers lol.

19. What’s the last song you heard? the hills - the weeknd

20. When you say you love someone, do you mean it? that's the only time i'll say it lol. i only tell my kids and family that i love them, and then a select few friends.

21. Do you plan on sleeping in tomorrow? yasss, if i can ever get some rest. 😭😫 toooo much on my mind.

22. Do you still talk to any of your ex’s? yeah, a few. now that Luis doesn't control my every move, I can talk to whoeverrrr.

23. As of this minute, what is going through your mind? Luis....

24. Where’s the last place you went? Prospect Mart. shit i don't get out much.

25. Have you held hands with anyone lately? my babygirl 😇

26. Has anyone let you down recently? actually, yeah 😂😂 dude approached ME, and then just wanted to dip when he realized that my life IS as difficult as i've said it is..

27. Does it bother you when people try to make you jealous? uh, yeah???

28. Whats the next movie you want to see in theaters? i don't even have a way to go see a movie.

29. Do you have more than $50 in your room? nope.

30. Are both of your blood parents still in your life? yeah, they're still married, too.

31. Were you tired when you woke up this morning? im tired 24/7.

32. Who is probably talking a load of crap about you right now? LUIS  HERRERA.

33. When was the last time you went apple picking? omg, i was soooo young!

34. Do you sometimes wake up in the morning, lay in bed and think about life? not anymore, i shove that shit so deep down. i hate thinking about all of this bs.

35. Are you happy summer is coming soon? of course! Paradise Lake and Holliday Lake, here we come! wish it could be the beach, but it's okay. 😊

36. Do you have drama in your life? so fucking much. thank you, luis. court is coming up this month.

Is there a person in your life that can always make you smile? there are 2, in fact - my children 💜💙

Is there someone who meant a lot to you at one point, and isn’t around now? yeah, POS tried to kill me and did other very personal and graphic shit to me. so, now he's rotting in jail..

Are you a jealous person? maybe i should've been 😂😂 then possibly i would've gotten cheated on less?

Would you cry if you found out you were pregnant? i would lose my shit.

When is the next time you’re traveling out of state? yeah right lol. i don't have the money for that.

Can you write your name in a foreign language? it'd be the same regardless, lol.

When you’re getting ready for something, do you listen to music? yessss.

Do you leave the curtains/blinds closed or open while you sleep? Closed..

What is your favorite day of the week? I'm a stay-at-home Mom. all the days are the same/

Do you generally do the same thing every day of the week? yes, taking care of my kids, cooking, cleaning, going outdoors w the babies.

What is something you did yesterday and wish you could’ve done today? didn't do anything in particular, except taking the kiddos outside to swim in the kiddie pool.

If you woke up tomorrow and knew/spoke a different language, which language would you want it to be? Spanish. my kids are half Mexican!

What did you last order online? Mama Bear, Sister Bear, & Baby Bear shirts 😍😍😍

Do you have any specific hobbies? taking pics of my kids lmao

What’s a song you recently discovered that you want to tell everyone about? Alone by Marshmello, but honestly that was a while ago. im just still obsessed.

Favorite fall or winter accessory? uhhhh.. a warm jacket?

Do you like to swim? LOVE to swim!

How many books are in your room? a lot, i guess. but i don't even read anymore.

What did you last eat? shiii, i honestly don't know. i feed my kids & don't eat lmao.

Name one of your goals for this year. FORGET LUIS.

What does your 9th message on your phone say? my phone isn't set up that way.

Look to your left. What’s there? wall.

How long does it take you to fall asleep? hours.

Are you scared about the end of the world? yes.

Is there a TV in the room you are in? yeah, a tiny little tv from like when i was a kid 😂 that's why i never hang out in my room.

What are you looking forward to? going summer clothes shopping for my kiddos. Leonardo is outgrowing clothes so fast. he's fitting 6 month snuggly.

What comes to your mind when I say red? the gum big red./

What other language do you want to be fluent in? Spanish.

Do you crack your neck often? no lmao.

Worst feeling in the world? having the man you love devastate you in every way, from cheating to ALL forms of abuse to lies to stealing to trying to kill you. but the worst? is giving my kids a shit father..

Name something you think is pointless? relationships. they're dumb asf.

Favorite fast food restaurant? locally, Taco Bell or Wendy's. we don't have many options lol.

Have you ever been in a fist fight? yes, a few./

Did you have a weird dream last night? i have the worst nightmares .

Do you wish at 11:11? heh not anymore.

[anglflres]

i'm tired asf bru

this night is ain't my night! everything is different now!! online classes are real and approaching actually our first day will be tomorrow. I was supposed to sleep at 10 pm but i still have to do my duty as an "ate" in the community. Well im not complaining about it. It's just this kind of tiredness is different from any matters that we've gone through.

Routine is different from this kind of feeling. I'm not happy with this kind of set up anymore or maybe im just really tired how I wish that I still have thd chance to relax and rest for a day without any errands on my complicated yet adventurous life.

Goodluck to my first online class tomorrow I hope that im not going to be late for the first day and will still look good and ready for the new learnings that will be via online. I really hope this pandemic ends right away, in the name of Jesus ❤

[survivemiddleearth]

Episode #3: “Nabbed by a man in a party city cow suit” -Nick

I CANNOT FUCKING BELIEVE THAT I JUST GOT NABBED BY A MAN IN A FUCKING PARTY CITY COW SUIT, IM FUCKING KILLING MYSELF IN THIS STUPID FARMERS FEILD

Remember when i said i felt secure in this game? Yeah me neither, and now with a tribe swap (:

I’m so sad???? I don’t even know the names of my old tribe to mourn them. AHHHH I DONT WANNA SWAP YET cri cri. Well fresh start cept Stephan is here so semi fresh. Hopefully he won’t screw me over jajdjdw

a tribe swap huh... I'm really curious to see how the Idolhunt works, and if the clue for a 2nd Idol on 1 tribe (?!?!?!) is actually transferrable.

Its a tribe swap and yay! I’m with the two people I’ve actually talked strategy with, Dennis and Sammy. However, I am with Vi, who is not my favourite person, i’ll try for the clean slate and all that is my philosophy but she has a history of being a snake, if an ineffective, goat-esque snake.

BLESS THE RAINS Ok I'm actually sad about Jayden - was a cool guy but I couldn't try and dictate another vote so soon and he WAS on the outer :/ BUT NOW I GET TO BE CHAOTIC YEE HA! im throwing my old tribe under the bus so fast cuz im messy and i want to be that bitch (patent pending) johnny will assume i'll take his side probs but like, I might, but I'm not gonna give up this opportunity to play middleman my inner kass is gleaming caw-caw am coming!

Yay! I love my new tribe. I have had good experiences with all these players, so I feel that my options are available and I can go to whoever I want for an alliance.

I HAVE FOUND. EVERY SINGLE. FUCKING. IDOL LOCATION. ALL THREE. AND THEY'RE ALL. FOUND. IM GONNA. SCREAM. IM. MAD.

Ok lost post but I haven’t confessed since the swap so: ok so the tribe swap has me shook. Thank Zeus that I’m still with Jay and Ford. Zach and JG are also on this tribe but I don’t think they like me. I messaged Zach and he responded with ‘👀’ which was funny asf but also. how do I respond to that. Drew and nick both had conversations with me so I don’t feel completely rejected. Jay and I have been sharing idol hunt stories and we’re pretty sure that all idols have been found so I’m scared to idol hunt, all I’ll find is disadvantages and I don’t want that. The word search comp was a lot of fun ?? I didn’t know any of the words so it was really panicky but I think I did okay. I really hope that we win this comp because. I hate tribal?? I’ve only lived 2 tribals ever because I’m a dumbass so.

This tribe is...interesting. Zach and Dylan R, despite being my sons, are a lil snakey. I see their rat boy sides, respectfully. Dylan just never lets me live tbh. But Zach and I were talking about the tribe and he mentioned wanting to blindside Drew at some point, and I was like Yeah Makes Sense and he goes "so if you could convince people to do that it would be great!" BINCH. I'm not your minion yet, don't give me tasks. So I have to keep him around to throw under the bus at some point lol. I think I'll try to get Bodhi out first since everyone else on the tribe I think I can work with.

Ayyy. Lets go guys. I found an idol. The first time I ever found one in a survivor game. Lets see how long I can hold onto it, before i either get blindsided or waste it out of paranoia. Imagine how nutty it would be if I had 2 idols by now. DARN YOU STEPHEN!!!

I’d love to get crow on board to work with my old tribe mates, none of the others really talk to me much. Thats not to say if a better offer comes up I wont take it, I’m considering tryig a less loyal game plan.

So far Dennis is my closest ally in this game, but I’ve been working hard to make sure I dont stand out as a player and an alliance maker. I also have talked to Crow a lot and really like him, would love to work with him. Dennis wants to work with Roxy and Sammy which I am cautious about, but now isn’t the time to play the game too hard. I’ll work with them for now while getting closer to others and then make my move, theres a lot of players in this group I have to make sure I’m not left behind or blindsided.

Nick sweetie I like you but 2 hours omg im beyond shook. I don’t want him going so that’s chill but I would be lying if I said I didn’t laugh omg. I’m.... kinda glad we lost? In a way?? The other tribe has a 4-3-1 where as our tribe is 3-3-2 so. In a way this is better?? I’ll probably be eating these words when I get evicted tomorrow but oh well. 

Drew is really nice and we have great conversations !! But I know his history so of course I’m wary talking with him. He’s good at grilling for info while also being guarded, so talking with him about the vote worries me. If I say the wrong thing I feel like he could turn the votes against me. I thought this vote would be easy but Drew telling me that him and the red team aren’t close worries me because I know that they’re in an alliance. Drew is still really cool & nice but paranoia is a bitch !!!

I did the math, because I’m a nerd, and Zach needed a score of 16 minutes in order to tie. Honestly not the dudes fault ,,, we woulda lost anyway even if he did well. Just thought I’d say that 

I'm really glad our tribe won. We ended up bonding a lot over a long discussion in the tribe chat, and I want to build with that with the people who I had most in common with, like sammy. I feel I need to socialize more because no one really approached me in a bit. I know we aren't a tribal but I feel like I should be approached anyway.

FINALLY I'm headed to tribal! I really need to go to at least one tribal pre-merge just so I can see where the heads are at and how people act under pressure. So far I've learned that Zach is the most Rat Boy person I've ever met. ZACH, I TOLD YOU AFTER KALOKAIRI THAT YOU NEED TO LEARN TO TONE IT DOWN. TONE IT DOWN. Dylan R too, to be honest. They're both just WAY TOO STRATEGIC. Like learn some subtlety, kiddos. Dylan R literally said 'we really need to get out Bodhi' to me and Zach asked 'Why doesn't Bodhi like you?' unprompted and is also roasting Drew every .4 seconds. I mean yes it's refreshing since I'm so used to playing with crusted over community people like.....myself. But also, I'm tired. I don't want to play the game as a rat herder, trying to stop Rat Zach and Rat Drew from biting each other's heads off. (If you're reading this post-season, just know I view you all as very strong players, and I bestow the title of rat lovingly, as I myself am 100% a rat). On the plus side, there are LOTS of juicy meat shields in this game. As annoying as it's going to be to deal with the inevitable Zach vs. Drew ego war, at least I know their conflict is going to keep me out of the spotlight hopefully long enough to make late merge. I need to stay as UTR as possible as long as possible, and this cast might make that easy for me. I'm just thankful I have JG. He's one of my best friends, and I know we can trust each other going forward.

Oh god I went so hard my last game and now this game i’ve Idol searched once and confessed once lmao. Ummm...not a very interesting game so far. No one’s flipped. No ine’s Been shady. Very clean cut. I’m playing with some Kalokairi peeps so that’s fun and fresh, but other than that there hasn’t been much. That’s probably why I haven’t confessed at all 😂.

I thought that this vote was gonna be easy but talk of an idol has sent people into a frenzy. Personally, if an idol gets played it won’t be the end of the world for me so I’m not... too scared ? Inb4 I get blindsided but it should be either bodhi or nick going.

Welp, the vote has flipped to Nick. Usually that would make me scramble to get it back where I want it, but this game I'm not strongarming any players, and I'm going with the "anyone but me" strategy. So whatever! If everyone can unanimously vote against an inactive player, that works.

This might be me being cocky. But I can not believe that 12 minutes was actually the fastest time. I am happy that I am not going to Tribal council. And I'd like to keep it that way as long as possible, but still... 12 minutes? Mhm.. Maybe the other tribe threw on purpose to get certain players out... who knows!

Welp I really wanted Nick gone because of that score, sorry bud but it is about tribe strength but everyone was saying let's vote Bodhi. Being/feeling on the bottom even though I have some relationships with  people like Dylan, Drew, and Jay , I still did not feel secure in my position in this game. During the afternoon, I realized it was extremely stupid to target and get rid of Bodhi who would most likely be loyal to me and have my back over some of these other folks. So I talked to Jay and planted the seeds of actually voting out Nick instead of Bodhi. I went to Bodhi saying that we could potentially flip this and told him who needed to talk and and who to target to save himself which was obviously Nick. I wanted Nick out the moment those results came out and if he goes home, I will take claim to this for pulling this off, this will potentially really keep Bodhi as a number for myself and not rock too many boats.

wow shook i didn’t do the worst at the word search....why do all of my friends gotta be in the game w me. Potentially I would like to work with Johnny and Roxy even tho I know a lot of times ppl target roxy for being crazy and I don’t know who i can trust yet. I like crow as well. My predictions for tonight is that bodhi might go home because he really wasn’t active on our old tribe but only time will tellllll

[dipperthedestructor]

no offense, like i love my best friend and all and she’s really nice to hang with for a few hours... but also she’s extremely selfish and mind-blowingly inconsiderate. i might go into more detail later or maybe tomorrow cuz im tired asf but i just had to say itt because it’s really been bothering me the past few weeks..