#me and my mom are extremely close btw shes a great person i promise

[sodapopbuoy]

no one is allowed to call me "baby boy" >:(

except my mom she can call me whatever she likes<3

[neocrush]

— the girl groups enhypen’s gfs are in !

genre: fluff (angst on jungwon’s part) + established relationship (eventually lol)

pairings: idol!enhypen x fem!idol!reader

note: idk how to title this pls i thought of it while showering

tagging: @jeminiepabo @strwberrydinosaur

you just finished performing and your members were in need of water bottles

you just finished performing and your members were in need of water bottles

you just finished performing and your members were in need of water bottles

but fucking mnet didn’t provide any inside of your dressing room??

but fucking mnet didn’t provide any inside of your dressing room??

but fucking mnet didn’t provide any inside of your dressing room??

so yves told you to ask for some from the artist in the dressing room next to yours

you knocked on the door without looking at the sign that showed who was in there

you asked for some water bottles and heeseung went “i’ll go get it!” and ran off to go get get them

jungwon just chuckled and went “hyung’s a really huge fan of your group, he kept on singing star on the way here”

you nodded at the younger one, impressed at the fact that you were popular among idols

the tall boy came back with a whole box full of water bottles

“there’s 12 of you here right now so i figured why not get a whole box” he chuckled nervously

you giggled and smiled at the nervous boy

“thank you heeseung-ssi, i’ll take this to my members” you took the box in your hands but was taken aback on how heavy it was

“don’t worry i’ll carry it for you”

long after that you started hanging out and boom you became his gf

you couldn’t resist the charms of lee heeseung

once it was revealed that you were a couple, orbits and engenes went INSANE (in a good way ofc)

“wait so y/n DOESNT hate men????”

★ jay - aespa

OMG OMG LEMME TELL YOU ABOUT THIS BBY

you both met at school after you both debuted

everyone was gossiping around about how you were in the same class with the enhas

so like... monster rookies class

usually idols aren’t seated together but the teacher seated you and jay next to each other

causing a bunch of “oooohhhs” from your classmates

there were times were you and the enhas would leave school early due to practice or schedules

and on the way to the school gate, jay would always spark up a conversation with you

you assumed he was just very friendly

long story short he had a massive crush on you

so a few months into your friendship (which the both of you were very open about with your fans), he confesses

you were like “WAIT SO IT WASNT ONE SIDED THE WHOLE TIME”

y’all were just really blind lol pls read between the lines

anyways on to ur lovely bf !!

he’s so bold and brave around you but so shy around your members and seniors

we all know how he really respects nct (along with other sm artists) bc he covered the 7th sense with sunghoon on iland

so one day you were like “oh btw i showed taeyong sunbae you and hoon’s t7s cover”

he was like 😟 to 😧 to 😯

got all shy and was like “oh what did he say..”

you don’t know why he was acting as if he didn’t body that whole performance ????

anyway you told him that taeyong said that he and hoon did really well and that he liked how jay did his part

hid his face on the crook of your neck

“baby we should come say hi to them next time you go to sm”

“NO i will make a fool out of myself”

speaks english and japanese with giselle a lot when he isn’t occupied with you

sometimes you’d even have to ask nct’s shotaro to translate

your seniors (especially exo’s kai) adore him so so much pls protect the boy at all costs

★ jake - everglow

he was an active viewer of produce 48 and (like me) was really attached to the yuehua trainees

especially you

so when you got eliminated just before the last episode, he was devastated to say the least

he awaited your debut and when the time came he supported everglow !!!!

LOVED BON BON CHOCOLAT SO MUCH

does the killing part choreo in his room when no one’s watching lol

dies everytime you do the little “everglow” in songs

right so when he debuted in enha, he looked forward to meeting you as an idol and not a fan

when you shared a dressing room at kcontact, he couldn’t help but introduce himself to you

he mentioned he was a big fan and your heart warmed

cute boy is a fan of you? omg heart go brr brr

your members tease you and you just shake it off

that day when you got back to the dorms, you watched a bunch of enhypen videos bc you were interested in jake

you weren’t aware of how popular you were among people - let alone idols so you were surprised

you fell in love with his personality and started saying hi to him whenever you meet backstage at music shows

not long after, you develop feelings for him

you thought it was just a puppy crush but as you saw him even more, it got serious

you never actually confessed but aisha accidentally spilled the beans when he was passing by

“cmon y/n just tell him you like him because he clearly feels the same !!”

“you like me?”

“AISHA”

“that’s my queue to leave”

so she leaves you two to pour your hearts out to each other

you two become a couple and forevergenes (such a cute name omg) LOVE you two

you’re both the puppies of your group so that makes your relationship 103892x cuter

you met his parents and they adore you and even asked for your autograph

“jake used to talk about how great you are after every produce 48 episode”

“okayyyy i think that’s enough embarassing me mom”

his parents love you like their own daughter but does layla love you?

you were so nervous to meet her and was actually scared she might not like you - knowing how important layla is to jake

at first layla ignored you and jake was like “she’ll come around”

you were convinced she just doesn’t like you, until this one time you were cuddling with jake on the couch and layla comes in

you expected her to snuggle up with jake but she came to you :D

now layla is super fond of you and mrs sim would even send you pictures and videos of layla getting excited whenever you were on tv 🥺

★ sunghoon - itzy

you and the girls were at isac

the six of you were just waving at your fans and making heart signs with your hearts

on your left you saw yeji making hearts with ryujin so you wanted to do that with another member too

you felt a presence next to you and assumed it was someone from your group

spoiler alert: it wasn’t

sunghoon and sunoo were waving at engenes who just happened to be seated next to midzys

so you turned to who you thought was an itzy member, making half a heart with your hand

until you realized it wasn’t 💀

you bowed and apologized when you both looked at each other, you were scared you crossed a boundary

you bowed and apologized to the engenes who were there too

sunghoon and sunoo reassured you it was all good

after that, sunghoon couldn’t help but keep his eyes on you the entire event

when the day was coming to an end, he pulled some strings and ended up having some alone time with you ...in stray kids’ dressing room

don’t ask

ofc skz already left so it was just you two there

fast forward, you both hit it off and he became your bf <3

midzys and engenes love you both sm and love bragging about you two to other fandoms

you two were even named the king and queen of 4th gen kpop

oh also

you already know where this is going

“SUNGHOON HOW COULD YOU NOT KNOW NOT SHY’S PROPER TITLE IT’S YOUR GIRLFRIEND’S SONG” - jay

brags about how he can do the shoulder dance in wannabe

ofc it’s bc you personally taught him

sends you pics of jyp as reaction pics

so you send pics of bang pdnim to him

every once in a while he reminds you of that video of jay why pee trying to hit a high note

“lmao that’s your boss”

PLS you always get super embarrassed so ofc you bring up that vid of hitman bang

“rAp dAncE-“

★ sunoo - stayc

you were his seatmate at school predebut

you came from the same town, same school, same neighborhood, etc

the two of you were extremely close and both shared the same dream

when highup entertainment accepted you, the both of you were over the moon

he was so happy for you

but sad too bc that meant you had to move to seoul :(

you promised him to do your best and that you hoped to see him again but as an idol

and hopefully when he’s an idol too

well what you hoped for came true !!

although you couldn’t see him much as a trainee - which made you quite sad - you got to follow his journey on i-land

you even asked your fellow trainees to vote for him

anyways now that you both debuted, you became close again and became really open with your fans on how close you were

you recommended his songs to swiths and he did the same to engenes

he even memorized the choreo to so bad and asap and lemme tell you this

he BEGGED you to teach him those choreos

“sunoo you can watch the practice on youtube”

“but i want to learn it from you”

he never really realized his feelings until he saw you getting shipped with his other members

you were both on weekly idol and the hosts really seemed to like how you and jake looked next to each other and they just teased you both the whole episode

that made sunoo feel uneasy and he thought it was only bc he was an overprotective best friend

turns out he had feelings for you (wow shocker)

so one day he asks you to come to hybe

after slightly getting lost, you meet up with him in a practice room

he confesses bc he felt like not telling you about his feelings would put a wall between you two

you appreciate his honesty and tell him you’ve felt the same way every since you were classmates

he scolds himself for not seeing it all those years but you just laugh it off bc you were pretty good at hiding your crush

you both agree to secretly date, until you both announce it on your five month anniversary

fans were really shocked at first... but they support you !!!!

engenes will not hesitate to come at anyone who talks bad about you and swiths feels the same way about jungwon

he gushes about you every single time you’re brought up

and you can’t help but love your adorable boyfriend

★ jungwon - iz*one

okay so

he was just an average high schooler when you were introduced on produce 48

his deskmate was watching your audition video and it was the part where you were doing this freestyle

he was SO amazed and he secretly followed your journey on produce 48

always made sure to vote on time and watch the episodes live

once the debut evaluation came around, he asked everyone he knew to vote for you and even bought tickets to see the show live

almost cried when he saw that you were center

ACTUALLY CRIED when you got into the top 13 😭

fast forward to him debuting in enha

he wasn’t able to catch up on you since he was busy with trainee life, then i-land, then debut preparations

but somehow in the middle of promotions he ran into you and BOOM love at first sight

fast forward to you finally dating, he couldn’t believe he was dating the y/n of iz*one

wizones make those “ladies and gentlemen, y/n’s man” edits and engenes make those “ladies and gentlemen, jungwon’s woman” edits

both fandoms love you two so dearly that the only hate you two got were from the delusional ones (who clearly aren’t actual fans)

when your last concert came around, he couldn’t bare seeing you cry when you said “this has been iz*one’s y/n, thank you everyone!”

he got flashbacks from when you cried during the final episode of produce 48 and he’s just.. sobbing bc he couldn’t be there to hold you

so the next day he rushed to your dorms with snacks and emotional support bc you were emotionally exhausted from accepting the fact that your journey with iz*one is finally ending

you felt extremely lucky to be in his arms and he felt extremely lucky too that he’s able to make you feel a little better

★ riki - weeekly

you were both on weekly weeekly idol together

and both you and riki being main dancers, you were asked to do random dance together

a few popular songs played and the both of you did the choreos

until after school started playing and the boy did the chorus’ choreo and you were like “woah???”

bc he was so INTO ITTTT

the song was basically made for him to cover it

and the mcs saw your reaction so they asked him to do it once again but this time with the whole group

after filming, he came up to you and was like “i’m a huge fan of yours” and you’re just like ):&/£]>\**_£]

“woah really???? i rooted for you on i-land”

and his face just lights up bc his huge crush on you developed even more

you became besties since then but he didn’t ask you out until your birthday

he took you out to a puppy café, knowing you were obsessed with dogs

you’d ask him to show you pictures and videos of bisco

“i better meet bisco once we go to japan together”

melted at the thought of traveling to his hometown with you

anyways

once you left the café, he kissed you in front of your dorms

and somehow he became your boyfriend <3

riki as a bf isn’t really a very public person

he’s the “this is our relationship, not the public’s” type of person

he doesn’t wanna risk companies wanting to exploit your relationship

although he doesn’t talk about you two much, he loves to brag about you when given the chance

whenever variety show hosts would fawn over you he’d just look them in the eyes dead and go “she’s mine”

[ughthatimagineblog]

not your baby (part one)

steve harrington x reader | part two

requested:  Okay first off, "I'm Their Healer" is AMAZING and i loved the plot twist at the end!! You are extremely talented! Could you maybe do a Steve Harrington x Reader that involves the reader being a shy, but really sweet and caring new girl that accidently pisses off Billy somehow and Steve comes to the rescue? Id love for him to get revenge and kick his ass. Then the girl meets the Party (and loves Max cause they both have red hair?) WOW thats specific sorry so dont do it unless you want to!

warnings: cussing, slow burn steve, steve and reader fued, billy hargrove

word count: 2197

a/n: hey so this will come in two parts, it was a request from a super cool girl and i hope yall like it! its a slow burn btw

In Hawkins, there were distinct characters. Steve, Nancy, Jonathan, you and of course, Billy Hargrove. Five different personalities, all in one high school. You moved to Hawkins about a year ago and since then, befriended Nancy and Jonathan and in turn Steve Harrington, the King of Hawkins High. You tended to gravitate to more of Jonathan’s crowd and you befriended him first.   You were soon introduced to Nancy and you and her became study buddies and the best of friends. You spent months, an entire summer in fact spending the night with her, chatting and of course studying. She eventually trusted you with telling you the story of last Halloween when a girl from Hawkins lab went rogue and fell in love with her little brother. How there was a huge monster her and her boyfriend had to fight off with your friend from photography and yearbook. How she lost her old friend to the other dimension in which said monster came.    You, as would any sane person, didn’t believe her. Especially when she told you who her boyfriend was. Steve Harrington. You’d heard his name through whispers and shouts in the halls. You’d seen him in passing and with one look at his friend group, you decided you never wanted to be involved with a guy like him. He was arrogant, narcissistic and popular. All things you hated. 

 You never questioned Nancy’s attraction to him, however, seeing as you weren’t one to judge. In fact, you found yourself crushing on Jonathan. Why wouldn’t you? He was your friend, you had photography with him, you had similar music taste, you both were semi-outcasts. It made sense. And you liked things that made sense. As summer was coming to a close, you pushed the thought of the ‘Upside Down’ to the back of your brain, dismissing it as some local folk tale, but you never brought it up to anyone outside of Nancy and her room. This year, Nancy had completely different classes, and suddenly it was a new school again. You knew no one in your class and you realized you really only had two friends at your school.

Popularly known but not popular, you thought to yourself, taking a seat in your English class. You watched as people slowly trickled into class before the bell would ring and you nearly sunk halfway down your seat when you saw Steve walk into the classroom.    “Oh God.” You muttered to yourself and Steve stopped in his tracks. He had been on his way to the back of the room, but instead, plastered a smirk on his face and sat in the seat next to yours. He recognized you immediately. You were his girlfriends new best friend. Except you also hung out with Jonathan who made you uncool in Steve’s eyes. She’s kind of cute, what a shame. Steve thought to himself, taking a seat next to you.       Then and there, he heard you and knew it was going to be easy to get under your skin. “Nope, not God, just Steve Harrington.” He replied to you and smirked. You rolled your eyes. Great. You thought. “I’ve seen you hang around my girlfriend, though I never learned your name-”

“And you won’t.” You said, stacking your books on top of each other and moving to the back of the class. You were adamant on that. When the teacher came in, you rushed to the front of the class, introduced yourself quietly and told him it was imperative that he call you by your nickname for roll call everyday in class. It was just to get a rise out of Harrington and if you could do that just to make him even a little annoyed, you’d do it. Satisfied, you sat in the back of the room for the rest of class, a smirk planted on your face.

“What’s that new girls name, your friend?” Steve asked, climbing into the drivers side while Nancy, in the passenger. “She’s not new, Steve, she transferred here last year.” “Yeah her. It’s a wonder she didn’t get involved in everything, seeing as she showed up right in the middle of it.” Steve was staring blankly out the windshield window. “Yeah, well, I told her about it and-” “You told her?” Steve exclaimed. Nancy looked at him with wide eyes. “That could get us killed, Nance.” He scolded. “She’s safe. She promised not to tell, besides I don’t think she even believed me, okay? It’s over now, we can drop it. We won’t have to deal with it ever again.” Nancy reasoned and Steve sat back in his seat.      It was halfway through September. And a month later, Nancy would be proved terribly wrong.

If someone last year were to tell you there was a guy who you would hate more than Steve Harrington, you would laugh in their face and tell them it was impossible. But the 1979 Chevy Camaro pulled up to Hawkins High and it gave you a bad feeling.  You were correct. It was the beginning of October and a new family, the Hargrove family had moved into Hawkins. Billy Hargrove would be joining your English class, much to your, and surprisingly Steve’s horror and his younger sister, Maxine, would be joining Mike Wheeler, Nancy’s younger brother in his eighth grade science class.

 All was well and normal until the mullet-haired ass waltzed in the door. Now, over the past month, you and Steve had developed a frenemy type relationship. You were his girlfriend’s best friend and he was your best friend’s boyfriend. There was a silent truce amidst the silent jabs you two would make at each other.    And the both of you could recognize a threat when you saw one. When Billy stepped in, you and Steve exchanged looks. Worried looks. He walked in with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth and a smirk on his lip. His blue eyes found yours and you made a face. He feigned a sad one that was immediately replaced with his smirk again and you wanted to barf. “Um, sir. You can’t smoke in here.” The teacher informed. Billy’s eyes tore away from yours and looked at your teacher. “Right, right, my bad.” He reached up and took another long drag before removing the cigarette from his lips and flicking it into the trash can.   “Thank you. Now what’s your name?” Your teacher asked. “Billy. Billy Hargrove.” Even his name sounds ludicrous. You thought to yourself. “Okay, Billy, welcome to Hawkins and have a seat.” The teacher said happily, adjusting his role papers. You looked around, scanning the room for where he would sit. It came to your knowledge and dismay that there were no other seats. Except for the one next to your own. You looked to Steve who was still seated in the spot in the front. The place he mockingly took in the beginning of the year.  Assessing the situation, Steve stood up quickly, his books fumbling in his fingers as he tried to gather them. “Uh, Mr. Mitchell, Billy can have my spot and I’ll move to the back.” Steve stood up right as Billy was about to pass him. Billy had been staring straight at you with the same grin, no doubt happy he had scored a spot next to a girl. In the back of the class. Now, his head turned to look at Steve, grin nowhere to be seen. Behind the two boys, you heard Mr. Mitchell speak. “That’s very nice of you Steve. You can take a seat in the back, then. Billy, you can have Steve’s spot.” Your teacher said with a smile, unbeknownst to the current, testosterone filled drama that was playing out before your eyes. “Yeah, it was real nice of him.” Billy spat before taking a seat up front while Steve joined you in the back. “Wow, Steve, you really took one for the team. Be any nicer and I’ll think you actually like me.” You leaned closer to Steve and whispered. His head snapped to look at you, a glare crossing his features. “Don’t get too cocky. I don’t know who this guy is but he seems like an ass and I couldn’t do that to my girlfriend’s best friend. Don’t get it twisted.” You sat back in your seat, mulling over his response.   It was valid.

You would come to realize how valid it was in the next three weeks. You were invited, courtesy of Nancy, to the Halloween party that you and Jonathan were not so thrilled about. “I don’t know, Nance, that’s not really my kinda deal.” You explained, holding the flyer in one hand. “I agree. I’m probably going to watch some scary movies with my mom anyways.” Jonathan backed you up. You blushed. “C’mon! You both are single. It could be a really fun time. You could meet someone.” She pressed and upon realized she wasn’t going to let up, you agreed. “Okay. I’ll go.” You threw your hands up in mock surrender. “Y/N…” Jonathan tried. He looked defeated. “Sorry,” You said suddenly feeling guilty. “She’s right.” You fessed. Recently, you took note of the way Jonathan looked at Nancy. He liked her. There was no denying that. This party was a perfect excuse for you to try and move on from your crush. “We are single and maybe this could be good for us.” You pried.

 “I’ll think about it.” Jonathan said before walking to class.

The night of the party, you decided to go as Samantha Baker. Getting ready was easy, but preparing yourself for a high school party. Now that took some work. There would be dancing, drinking, sex in other rooms probably. Everyone who was officially cool was there. You would be out of place. You were starting to hope Jonathan did decide to come. Not just because you liked him, but also because you were hoping not to feel too alone. You pulled up to the house and you could already hear the music they were playing. Some guy was throwing up in the lawn outside and there were several couples making out on the porch. You wanted to turn around and go home. But you stayed, hoping you didn’t arrive too late for Nancy’s taste.

Just as you were opening the door to go inside, a figure opened it and walked briskly past you, almost knocking you over. “Hey, watch it-” You called out, turning around only to see it was Steve. With tears in his eyes. “Hey, Steve, wait up.” You called after him, now semi-concerned. It wasn’t every day you saw the King cry, and now that you had, it made you uncomfortable. And very concerned. You followed him.    “Steve, wait.” You called after him as he walked further from the house. The house the party was held at was at the end of a long dirt drive so you and him had walked far enough to where you could still see the residence, but the sound of the music was faint.  “What? What? What do you want?” Steve asked, sounding annoyed. “I want to know what’s wrong, damn.” You replied. “I saw you crying. Is everything okay?”    You asked, genuinely concerned. “Yeah, everything’s fine, Y/N. Just laugh it up, okay?” Steve replied, bitter.   Your stomach dropped. “What is your problem? I followed you out here because I was-”  “Jumping at the chance to see the guy you hate, the big bad King cry? Is that it? Want to get a good laugh? Well get a good look, Y/N because here I am. The whole popular guy facade down, you caught me. The rest is… The rest is bullshit.” He ranted and you felt taken aback. Offended.   “I wanted to see if you were okay, Steve. I wanted to know if there was anything I could do to help because something is obviously wrong.” You replied, voice firm and almost hoarse from getting teary-eyed.    Steve put his hands on his hips and looked at you with a side-glare. “You don’t have to pretend, okay? You don’t have to pretend like you care. I know you hate me. So you can cut the bullshit and leave me alone.” Steve said, sounding hurt.   “It’s not bullshit, Steve. I was genuinely concerned because guess what? When push comes to shove I’m-”   “’You’re my girlfriend’s best friend’? Well, you don’t have to play that role anymore because Nancy isn’t my girlfriend anymore. So you no longer have to force yourself to be nice to me.” Steve said, turning from you, scraping his feet on the paved dirt.  You were astonished at his words. Him and Nancy broke up. The words rang out through your mind. “Steve, I had no idea-” “Save it. I don’t need your fake niceness. Like I said, you can cut the act. Just go.” He was pushing you away with his words and for the first time, something Steve Harrington said actually hurt you. “I wasn’t faking it.” Was the last thing you said before turning, and heading back to the party, leaving Steve to wonder what that really meant.

hope you liked it! this is part one!

@izzy-zzz

[3wishesandthensome]

Flash Episode Idea (w/ the twins)

Okay, so last night after the episode with “Dawn”, I started thinking about how most likely next season WestAllen will be parents. Iris is either gonna find out she’s pregnant towards or at the end of this season. There have been too many hints to suggest otherwise. So, with that in mind, I figured they’re probably gonna skip over the pregnancy (since we already have a Cecile pregnancy; seems kind of repetitive to do another one, although I hope we get at least a few episodes of pregnant WestAllen it’d be extremely cute) and next season the kids will be either toddlers or children. I thought maybe if they did a couple years time jump the kids would be toddlers or full grown children, if they rationalize that the kids maybe grow at an exceptional rate because of their speed abilities (kind of like Renesmee from Twilight). But anyways, I was trying to fall asleep last night and I couldn’t stop thinking about WestAllen trying to parent two little speedsters so I kind of came up with my own episode. I’m not a fanfiction writer so I kind of just saw the episode in my head and I’m just going to describe it out to you guys (with some dialogue). I personally think it could actually be an episode in the future!

This is going to be very long so keep scrolling if you don’t want to read! Btw, in this scenario, there’s really only been a time jump of about 3 years but the twins are physically and mentally the age of around 8 or 9 (I know this wouldn’t really happen, but for the sake of the idea, it only really worked if they were this old). Also, they usually refer to Dawn as Nora since her name (I think we’re all assuming) is Nora Dawn, but still sometimes call her Dawn or Dawny.

Enjoy!

So the episode starts out with the twins running around the house at lightning speed, even though they know they shouldn’t be. Barry comes down and wrangles them up, because both he and Iris know telling them to stop won’t do much.

“I’ll take Don,” Iris says, bags under her eyes, indicating the amount of sleep, or lack-thereof, she got last night due to the twins incessant running around.

“Why do you get the easy child?” Barry groans. He hadn’t gotten much sleep either. Actually he’d probably gotten less since he was the only one who could catch them.

“Because I pushed both these kids out of my -”

“Yes, okay, fair point. I’ll get Nora.”

“Thank you,” Iris says with Don already in her arms. He was the less problematic one. He always listened to his parents, unless Dawn told him not, then all bets were off. He followed his twin sister wherever she went and did whatever she did. This didn’t always lead to great results.

Iris left to drop Don off at school while Barry sat down with Dawn and tried to explain to her the importance of only using her powers when absolutely necessary. They go back and forth for a while but she eventually concedes and he gets her to school on time.

The episode goes on and they fight their weekly villain with the usual hurdles. The first fight goes wrong and the villain gets away. Team Flash regroups at Star Labs and goes over how to stop them. As they are deliberating the twins speed in from school to everyone’s surprise.

“Beat ya!” Dawn exclaims.

“Nuh-uh! I was through the doors first. I didn’t know you meant whoever was in the lab first wins, so I stopped running downstairs.”

“Not my fault you don’t get how racing works.”

“What are you two doing here?” Iris interrupts, clearly upset. She tried not to let it show how worried she got for her kids about their powers but sometimes she couldn’t help it. The city doesn’t know the Flash has kids. If their powers were ever discovered, it would only be a matter of time before people started putting two and two together to figure out who they were and that would eventually lead to the Flash’s identity being revealed.

Barry stood with his arms crossed in front of his kids waiting for an explanation, Iris behind the dashboard with the same body posture, while Harry, Caitlin, and Cisco, slowly exit the room, knowing the storm that’s about to be brought towards the young children.

“I wanted to prove to Don that I’m faster since I’m older.”

“By one minute!” Don quickly pointed out. Both Iris and Barry rolled their eyes.

“Still! I won so I’m right.” She shrugged and walked off with Don to the training room to start her homework, as they usually do after school.

Both Barry and Iris have their heads in their hands at this point, not knowing what to do about their persistent and stubborn children.

“Bare, we have to do something about this. If they don’t quit using their powers, something is going to happen to them. I won’t be able to live with myself if something happens to our babies.”

“I know. I know.” Barry slowly walks towards Iris and wraps his arms around his lightening rod. While in an embrace, he adds, “I didn’t get my powers until I was an adult. I could be trained and I had enough sense to know the responsibility that came with these abilities. They’re just kids. They don’t get it. I can’t imagine what how they feel. I mean even without powers kids just want to run around and have fun. It’s kind of like that but 100 times worse.”

Iris leans back to look him in the eyes and smiles. “Lucky us, huh?”

He returns her smile. “Yeah, lucky us.”

The next day, Barry goes to Harry with a favor. He asks him to build two small power inhibitors to suppress the twins’ powers, but subtle enough so they won’t know they have it on. Harry builds one into a bracelet for Don and another into a headband for Dawn. Barry takes the twins to Star Labs before school.

“Guys, I got you two some cool presents. I thought you could wear them to school.” Barry pulls out the new accessories for his kids. Iris watches lovingly, not knowing the gifts’ true intentions.

“Cool!” Don exclaims as his dad puts on his new bracelet.

“Cute.” Dawn says, a little less enthusiastically but still happy to have something from her dad that she oh so admired.

“Do you like them?” He asked his kids as he knelt down to their level.

“Yes!” They both said. Barry smiled so wide, knowing he made both him and his kids happy, for different reasons. “Good! Now, I’m giving these to you on the promise that you won’t use your powers for anything but absolute emergencies, okay? That means no racing, no speeding through your schoolwork, and no running home after school. Got it?”

“Yes, daddy.”

“Alright, Mommy is going to drop you off at school and I’m going to pick you up later. Love you guys. Give me a kiss.”

They both gave him a kiss on the opposite cheek and skipped off with their mom who was waiting for them by the door. Dawn looked back at her dad one last time before he was out of sight. Barry gave her an affectionate wink. Barry didn’t have a favorite child, of course. He loved his kids both to the moon an back equally. But he and Dawn had a special connection. She was just like him; not as he was as a child, but as he is now. She was always itching to help someone and oh so stubborn when it came to someone telling her not to do something. He admired her for her bravery just as she admired him for simply being her dad.

The episode goes on with Team Flash dealing with the uncaught villain and side storylines with Caitlin, Harry, Cisco, and Joe. At the end of the school day Barry goes to pick up the twins (it’s become a running gag in the show that Barry and this other carpool dad always get into it because they always end up blocking each other when picking up their respective kids). So while they’re getting into another argument, Dawn is walking out of school, with Don close behind her. There is another kid in front of them bouncing a ball carelessly. As the twins are walking towards their dad (who is still arguing with the other parent) the child with the ball loses control of the ball and goes out into the street to retrieve it, without looking to see if there are cars coming. Dawn, being the innate hero that she is, runs to push the child out of the way of an oncoming car because she knows she’ll be fast enough to save the kid without getting hurt. She runs to push the kid out of the street, and she does, but now she’s in the middle of the street, helpless without her speed working, and a car approaching quickly. A few parents scream, not knowing what to do, which draws Barry’s attention. He sees his little girl seconds away from being critically injured.

“NORA!” He screams and runs as fast as he possibly can to get her. He grabs her just in time. He cradles her tightly her on the sidewalk, not letting go even for a second, knowing he almost lost his baby, and it was his fault.

Back at Star Labs, Caitlin is caring for Dawn in the medical lab, just to make sure she’s not too traumatized from almost being hit by a car. She tucks her in while Don cuddles her from behind, making sure his sister is okay.

“How is she?” Iris asks anxiously, rising from her chair.

“She’s still a little shaken, but she’ll be alright. Don is comforting her. Two peas in a pod those two.” Caitlin says admirably.

“Can we go in and talk to her?” Barry asks. His head hangs down like it usually does when he’s upset or saddened by something.

Caitlin hesitates before speaking, knowing they’re not going to like her answer. 

“It’d be a good idea to give her some space. I think she’s a bit embarrassed.”

“What could she possibly be embarrassed about?” Iris asks, wanting nothing more than to just hold her daughter and tell her it’s all going to be okay.

“She said her dad is the Flash, a hero that saves people every day. And she wasn’t able to save this one kid. She just really wants to make you proud.” With that, Caitlin walked off, unknowingly making Barry feel like the worst father in the world.

Iris sighs and looks on her children through the glass. “I’m just so glad she’s okay. She could’ve been seriously hurt. You saved her. Why do you look so defeated?” She asked her husband.

Barry can’t look her in the eyes. “Bare?” She asks again.

“Iris, I... I messed up.”

“Barry, what happened?”

He sighs, then let’s it all go. “You know the bracelet and headband I gave them this morning?” She nods. “They had power inhibitors in them to suppress the kids’ powers. I didn’t want them being reckless and I knew they weren’t going to wear them if they knew what they were. Iris, I’m so sorry I thought I was helping.”

“Barry, Dawn was almost killed today! What were you thinking?”

“I know, I know, and I wish I could take it all back! I thought this would protect them. All I’m trying to do is protect them!”

Iris backs away from Barry. She knows he meant well, but she also knows they were supposed to be a team, as partners and parents. He should’ve told her what he was doing. But he didn’t and now that’s all weighing on him.

“Iris, please, listen to me. I’m so sorry. I know you’re mad, but listen. The inhibitors were supposed to just keep them from using their powers until we could teach them the importance of -”

“Barry.” Iris interrupts, not looking at him, but behind him.

“I just wanted to protect -”

“Barry, stop.” She says, with a finality to her tone. He follows her gaze to their children who left the medical room and entered the main lab with their parents moments ago, just in time to hear what their dad had done.

“How could you do that to us?” Dawn says, anger radiating out of her. Both Barry and Iris had never seen her so mad. Hell, they’d never seen an 8 year old this mad ever. Don hovered behind his sister, clearly upset and hurt, but not as vocal about it. He had always been that way. It reminded Barry of how Barry and Iris used to be as kids. With her taking the lead and him always following her. Maybe that’s why Barry had such as strong connection with Dawn. Maybe it wasn’t that she reminded him of himself, but of Iris.

“Guys, I was trying to protect you -” Barry tried to muster up some fatherly strength, to not seem weak in front of his kids, but he’s defeated. He feels so guilty about what happened  - or almost happened - to his kid. He can’t forgive himself.

“You’re always saying that, but all you do is lie! You tell us not to use speed unless it’s an emergency, but you use your speed to do whatever you want! You use it to do dishes, to get to work, to cook dinner, even to get us to school! You tell us to be honest with you but you lied to us and almost got us hurt! You’re supposed to be a hero. Heroes don’t lie.” With that, Dawn threw her headband on the ground with such force, Iris actually gasped. Then she sped off.

“Dawn!” Iris yelled after her, but she was long gone by then. She quickly turns to her husband. “Barry you have to go after her. Who knows what kind of trouble she could get into.”

“On it.” He says without hesitation. But he’s back within the minute without his daughter in tow. “I checked the house, the school, Joe’s, Harry’s, Cisco’s, and Caitlin’s houses. She’s not there.” They both turn to their son. “Don, do you have any idea where your sister would go? You know her better than anyone.”

They look at Don expectantly, but to no avail. He shakes his head sadly, not knowing what to do. Iris pulls him in for a tight hug, wishing she could do the same for her other child, but at least she can make one of them feel better.

Team Flash stays at Star Labs for the rest of the night searching for Dawn, but nothing is helping. Barry is normally tracked by his suit, and neither of the twins were wearing the one Cisco had made for them to wear for training. Wherever she was she was being still because there was no indication of a speedster showing up on the radars.

It’s very late at this point but the team is still at it. Iris and Barry are trying to stay calm for their son’s sake but they are both freaking out on the inside. All of sudden, the monitor in the lab pops up with this week’s villain. He turns the camera to Dawn, who is tied up to a chair with rope and her mouth is duct taped shut. Iris immediately gasps and starts crying at the sight of her baby being held captive. The villain tells them if the Flash does not come he will kill the child (A/N: in my head he was basically threatening to burn her with acid like the trickster episode so obviously that wouldn’t be reused but since this is a fake ass episode I’m going to use it lol). The villain isn’t aware Dawn is the Flash’s kid but he knows he wouldn’t let an innocent child suffer. He starts the timer at 15 minutes. After it runs out, the acid will consume her.

Iris covers Don’s ears, not wanting her son to hear the horrible things this man plans to do with his sister. Cisco takes Don out of the room while Iris loses it and runs out into the hallway, almost to the point of hyperventilating. Barry goes out to comfort her. He tells her he’s going to bring her back. He won’t let anything happen to her. He promises.

He goes back into the main lab and puts on his suit. Cisco advises him not to go just yet, seeing as how they don’t have anything to combat the acid and Barry will most likely get hurt.

“I don’t care! That’s my daughter and I’m not going to let anything happen to her!” He screams with determination.

Harry says, “Barry, it doesn’t do us any good to send you in and you get killed. Nora will still get hurt and Iris loses her husband and her child. We have to come up with a plan.”

“He’s right.” Iris says with tears still in her eyes. “We have to have a plan in order to save her.”

They come up with a plan (one I cannot be bothered to actually think of) and they head out. Before they do, Iris looks at Barry. “Barry?”

“Yeah?”

“Bring our baby home.”

He nods with certainty. “I will.”

At the warehouse that Caitlin and Iris triangulated the signal to be coming from, Barry, Cisco and KF show up to get their youngest member. The clock only has 5 minutes left on in. The villain takes the tape off of Dawn’s mouth so she can plea.

“Help me daddy! Please!” She cries.

The villain looks shocked. “Well, well, well. I had no idea the Flash had procreated.” He smiles sinisterly. “This must be so hard for you.”

“Let her go!” Barry says, his voice not wavering. He’s trying to stay strong for his frightened daughter. “This has nothing to do with her. This is between me and you.”

“Not anymore. Tick tock, Flash. Tick tock.”

The 3 superheroes fight the villain but they are each quickly defeated. Barry feels helpless as his little girl looks to her dad with desperate eyes, screaming his name every time he’s injured.

The clock is down to 2 minutes. Barry, on the ground and feeling hopeless, pleas with the villain. “Please… just let me talk to her. I need to say something to her before… before she…”

The villain sighs. “Ugh…I suppose. Better make it quick. 1 minute left.”

Barry is on the ground, so injured he can barely move. But he manages to muster up enough strength to look at his daughter, straight in the eyes. “Dawn, listen to me. Are you listening?”

She lets out a sob, but she nods. “Yes, daddy, I’m listening.”

Her little voice, sounding so scared, breaks Barry even more than he already was. But he knows he has to tell her. “Remember last year for your birthday party? All the kids had already left and mommy was putting Don to sleep?” Dawn nods. “And it was just me and you? You had had so much cake you were practically bouncing off the walls. And we started to dance,” Barry starts smiling at the memory, despite the current circumstances. “We danced so much and we were having so much fun. And you, Dawny, you started to shake so fast, and you had no idea how you were doing it. Remember that?”

Dawn nods, making sure to keep eye contact with her father, sensing something about to happen.

He looks her right in the eye, and says, “Do that again.”

Barry musters up all the strength he has left to leap at the villain, catching him off guard and tacking him to the ground. Dawn vibrates as fast as she can and the rope breaks off from her. The timer goes off just as Dawn is free. Barry runs to pull her from under the acid just as it starts to come down while KF has regained consciousness and freezes the acid before it can touch anything. Barry holds his girl in his arms so tight, she can barely breathe. But Dawn doesn’t mind. She’s so happy to be in her father’s arms again.

The episode ends with the WestAllen crew at the loft a few nights later. They’re watching a show they all hate except Dawn, who picked it. And since she had two near death experiences that week, she was allowed to pick the nightly entertainment.

Once it was over, Iris announces, “Okay kids, time for bed. I want those teeth brushed and polished by the time we come up and tuck you in.”

“My teeth are always polished. See?” Don opens his mouth as wide as it can go and shoves his mother’s nose in his mouth so she can smell his stinky breath.

Iris pulls back, laughing. “Gross!” As he runs upstairs she slaps him on the butt and he laughs.

Dawn pulls out a folded up piece of paper from her pocket and hands it to Barry. He looks puzzled but she doesn’t indicate what it is. She kisses both her parents before running after her brother.

“What is it?” Iris asks curiously, leaning closer to Barry on their couch.

“Not sure. Let’s see.” He opens it up for both of them to see. It’s an assignment they had to do at school that day. The assignment was to talk about your favorite superhero. Barry reads it out loud for them both. “’My favorite superhero is my dad. His power is being the best dad ever. He’s my favorite because he’s always there for me. Even when I don’t listen, he’s always there to catch me when I fall. He’s the best dad ever.’”

Iris didn’t realize but there were tears in her eyes. Barry wiped them away when he saw and kissed her on the forehead. It made him feel great to know that even though her dad was a literal superhero, she still saw him, Barry Allen, as her hero.

“Lucky us, huh?” Barry said with a smile.

“Yeah, lucky us.” Iris reciprocated. The two shared a tender kiss, and then went upstairs to put their kids to sleep.

So that’s it! In my head that’s basically how the dialogue went. I had a lot of fun writing this. I’m not by any means a fanfiction writer so that’s why is was very clunky. On top of that I wasn’t really trying to make it a story like on fanfiction, just a description of what I saw in my head. Anyways, I hope you enjoyed! I hope we get something like this down the line. I can’t wait to see WestAllen as parents!

[pacman-tattoo]

I would really appreciate it if you did head canons if Jeremy was your older siblings! Thanks! >3

omg this is a cute idea aaa

aLSO THIS IS GONNA BE LONG BC I RAMBLE

alright u know what this is going under a readmore because this is basically me inserting reader into bmc as jeremy’s younger sibling plus some headcanons sprinkled in

(as i near the end of the musical all i can say is i aaaaaam sorry. there’s so much but i got carried away with rambling about you getting pissed over the SQUIP and just wanting your brother back in the end)

(i pROMISE IF ANYONE ELSE SENDS A “hey what if michael was ur big brother” OR ANYTHING IT WONT BE THIS LONG)

(y’all this got to the point where i might as well write this and i might if anyone requests it. it might not be soon since i got other requests i should be paying attention to but i’ll do it)

so i imagine ur like, a year younger than jeremy so ur a sophomore for this

good times except not, school sucks

you two def play video games a lot like it just comes with jeremy in general

im gonna go ahead and get it out of the way: jeremy and you are extremely close, especially after your mom left….

sometimes you would wander to his room and you two would just end up talking for a bit

“jer?” “yeah?”

“i’m… worried about dad.”

as you two got older these talks became less frequent

that’s all im gonna say because i’m not really the best person for the topic but you two are really close.

you kinda worry about jeremy a lot??? like, you asked him about going out with his friends and he kinda shut up and then mentioned michael was coming over and you kinda realized jeremy doesn’t really… have friends…..

but honestly??? the two of you are supportive of each other no matter what

you complain about school together. it’s a good thing to bond over.

especially because jeremy had some of the same teachers as you did so he just knows what you’re going through when it comes to really specific things

sometimes you eat lunch with him!!! like you have your own friends but you’re like ‘cmon he’s my big brother n he only ever sits with michael, i should at least talk to him some’

they kinda get it since ur brother is a neeeerd

plus you don’t always eat lunch with him so it’s not like you’re constantly abandoning them or something

“you’re signing up for the play?” “yeah, why?” “is it because of christiiiiine?” “shut up”

you 100% know about his crush on christine and honestly, can you blame him? she’s an angel

you end up tagging along with him and michael to the mall for the… squick??? whatever, dude.

“alright, jer, but hear me out: do you really need some pill to be cool? you’re cool enough as is” “ur… literally just saying that bc ur my younger sibling” “shut up dude ur the coolest big brother”

no point in fighting him since he’s gonna do it anyway. michael’s going to spencers??? there’s a gamestop nearby so yolo might as well walk with him

(also yes i 100% found the website for that mall and looked up a map so get an idea of how this whole scene goes???)

u leave gamestop, maybe after buying some merch because video games??? expensive. too expensive.

maybe one day.

where the fuck is jeremy.

michael has to go so either you gotta go with him or go find jeremy and you ultimately go looking for jeremy since he’s ur brother, what else are you gonna do?

jeremy is… weird.

you don’t question it at first bc he’s probably upset but whatever

at some point during school michael approaches you… alone???

“dude where’s jeremy”

“that’s… what i came to ask you about???”

you’ll beat up jeremy later like what the fuck, michael might as well be ur brother-in-law because they might as well be married

you end up going home alone

i like to imagine ur also friends with michael because of jeremy and sometimes he texts you when he can’t get ahold of jeremy so you can go tell jeremy to stop doing whatever and talk to his friend about whatever

so you just get a text from michael like ‘what the fuck is up with your brother’

squipped!jeremy kinda starts ignoring you and telling you off??? what the fuck jeremy???

“jeremy if being cool means you’re going to be an asshole, then maybe you shouldn’t be cool”

you two fight??? and like, the two of you rarely have a serious fight but it ends in you slamming your bedroom door and your dad gets worried and tries to talk to you but you kinda end up shutting him out as well

you feel bad about it but you just want to be alone

fast forward to halloween eve (which you’ve kinda abandoned your friends for sitting with michael?? they’re pissed and they aren’t talking to you but you couldn’t care less, michael needs someone)

jeremy comes downstairs and ur sitting on the couch, alone for once

“halloween party?”

he’s… kinda caught off guard?

like you two don’t really talk after you fight until one apologizes.

“be careful.”

he just stares at you.

“hey, uh, [y/n],” and he just kinda stares at you before he jerks slightly, as if… someone shocked him? “don’t wait up.”

you nearly get pissed before deciding fuck it, discount halloween candy awaits you after halloween-

… jeremy and you always get discount halloween candy. the two of you always would go to the store and roam around the aisles finding the Good Shit and then you two would go home and eat until you were sick but it was great because, yeah, you feel like shit afterwards but sibling bonding, man.

it isn’t the same. it just isn’t the same by yourself.

you end up staying up late anyway. jeremy might be an asshole now, but he’s still you’re brother. you might as well stay up and make sure he at least makes it inside.

you fall asleep watching a movie before you know he’s home.

but you do wake up when your phone keeps buzzing

it’s michael. he’s asking about jeremy and before you can even respond he’s calling you and jake dillinger’s house burned down??

jeremy is fine, physically at least, but now he’s just straight up ignoring you.

can i mention your dad is getting worried? you two were close.

hey, remember rich? the guy who recommended the SQUIP to jeremy? you talked to him. he’s genuinely upset by the way.

you also learn a lot. about the SQUIP, at least.

its the night of the play and your sitting and talking to your dad and basically rambling about jeremy without giving details

and then there’s jeremy.

you take your dad’s side for once, and jeremy fucking yells at you about it.

“you were supposed to support me, i’m your brother! we’re family-”

“not anymore, jeremy - you’re not my brother because my brother wouldn’t treat his friends and family like shit!”

he gets pissed at you and your dad tries to defend you and then he says shit to your dad

you straight up punch jeremy for that shit. you hit harder than he’d think.

after the play you basically live at the hospital waiting for jeremy to wake up

the moment he wakes up your at his side like “is it gone?? please tell me it’s gone, jeremy, fuck, please tell me i have my brother back.”

(you kinda freeze because you forgot rich was there???)

he… kinda sees how much he hurt you for the first time. it’s a really shitty moment. michael pops in and you just kinda excuse yourself for a few minutes and wander away for a few minutes

there’s still a lot of strain on ur relationship??? like, you aren’t just happy siblings anymore who fight over little shit and scream at the other when they cheat at video games or complain about homework and teachers. 

he and christine eventually date a little??? you’re happy for him but at the same time it just kinda… bothers you. sometimes he gushes about her and how she’s so sweet but it just kinda makes you sick because of all the shit that everyone just went through…

heck, jeremy notices that you’re… really, really off. he misses being able to sit back and laugh with his little sibling??? he misses being able to just be a complete dork around you.

one day you’re having a really shitty day and you’re sitting at the kitchen table burying yourself in homework and you just hear the rustling of a wrapper and he sets down ur fave candy in front of you

“look, i know i was an asshole and the worst big brother, but just… i’m sorry.”

it’s not enough, but it’s a start.

one night you wake up from a nightmare that everyone??? was squipped again??? you go downstairs and there’s jeremy, standing in front of the fridge, just staring

you wander over and peek in and he’s just… staring at a bottle of mtn dew red. at least, he was until you stepped behind him. he quickly shuts the fridge and immediately asks why you’re awake because??? it’s 3 am????

for the first time in a while you two confide in each other. 

“i… really did a lot of shit, didn’t i?” “yeah. i mean, it’s not all your fault - rich said the SQUIP made him do a lot of shit too.” “yeah but still, i did it-”

it takes a while but eventually you two get to be back to the sibling bond you two had - even if there is a little bit of strain

alright that’s a lot of shit of just reliving the musical so i’ll throw in some headcanons rly quick:

there’s always a constant bicker over small shit. “JEREMY ATE ALL THE CHIPS” “[Y/N] FINISHED THE LEFTOVERS” “kids please stop yelling” “JEREMY STARTED IT”

y’know how siblings can be embarrassing? never a problem with you two. the reason? both of you have plenty of embarrassing stories about each other and no one else will ever hear them

the closest it’s ever come is when you kinda just popped into jeremy’s room while he was playing video games with michael and nearly spilled a story about jeremy before u got a quick jab in the side

“nO NO [Y/N] GO ON” “[y/n] i swear i will tell him about the time-” “michael i value my life so…”

michael still wants to know about the time at the amusement park.

he’ll never get to know. not from you, at least.

BTW THE TWO OF YOU??? POKEMON GO

YOU HUNT.

YOU  G O 

michael joins but sometimes it’s just “no sibling bonding time we gotta”

alright i’m done sorry if shit is ooc i spent over 3 hours on this

[katmac95]

Why the fuck do I have PTSD?

Some first blog post, eh?

I’ll be using this blog to say things that are a bit too long for Twitter, but things I still feel the need to say.

First, I want to talk about my PTSD and why I have it. 

Some people don’t like talking about their trauma. I need to. I don’t enjoy talking about it, but it does make me feel freer when I do. It gets it out of my head and off my chest, so to speak. And that helps me.

This post may not be pretty but it’s not supposed to be. The stuff I’m going to share is all very raw and rough, so its delivery will reflect that.

*deep breath* 

I’ll start from the beginning, I guess.

From the time I was small, my father beat my mother. Often, he did this in front of me. My mom left my father with me in tow after sixteen months of marriage, and they were divorced shortly after. I still remember him coming after us with a knife when I was a baby. I remember times when I’d hide behind the toilet and refuse to let anyone touch me. I remember screaming at the top of my lungs because I was scared to death and that terrified energy had nowhere else to go.

When they divorced, my father was awarded partial custody of me by the state. God knows how a man with multiple convictions of DV and drug possession could get partial custody, but whatever. He did.

During his visitation weekends, he would often: hit me, swear at me, call me names, hit me with a belt or other objects, hit my dogs, break my things, withhold medical care (I once broke my foot under his care, and he refused to take me to a hospital), didn’t feed me (I taught myself to cook at 5 years old because of this, though he’d get angry if I tried to feed myself on the days when he wouldn’t).

And when he’d get new girlfriends, he’d beat them, too (again, in front of me). I remember one night, my dad was mad at his long-time girlfriend (they were off and on for most of my childhood) for one thing or another, and he slammed her hand in a door and broke it. I was in the next room, and I still remember her screams and the mangled mess he’d made of her hand. She filed a police report against him, and he went to jail for that.

I believe he’d been to jail quite a few times by the time I came into the world. When I was a kid, I remember him being incarcerated three separate occasions. I’m pretty sure two of those three were for domestic violence, the other for drugs. Or perhaps vice versa. I’m not sure, but his buddy would always bail his sorry, stupid ass out. Even as a kid, I remember hating that buddy, and wishing my father would stay incarcerated until I turned eighteen. At least then, I wouldn’t have had to see him.

Yeah, so, about the drugs... My dad’s drug of choice was meth. Or, well, his buddies referred to it by its street name, aka “crank”. He smoked it, sometimes around me. It smelled like sweat, cat piss, and cookies, in case you wondered. Now, meth has a rep for being one of the worst drugs on the market, with good reason.

First, there’s the rush. The person will wig the fuck out, but at least they’re “happy”-ish… It’s mania to the extreme. If depression is a low, then meth is high, HIGH, H I G H. Some people gouge their eyes out, others talk seven miles a minute and make you watch Alex Jones and read Andrew Anglin (yeah, my father was a keeper). He was never quite “gouge out his eyeballs” bad, but I do remember some weird manic shit (he once hooked a package of hamburger meat to some jumper cables from his car because the government had supposedly installed nanotechnology in this particular package of meat to spy on him).

Then would come the downward spiral when the rush began to fade. His mania would very quickly shift to irritability, anger, paranoia, and he would threaten to (or actually) beat the shit out of me for “looking at him wrong”. Or he’d threaten to kill himself if I did something he didn’t like. Or he’d threaten to drive us off a cliff, to kidnap me, or to [insert suggestion here]. Being with someone coming down from a rush is fucking terrifying, to say the least.

Finally, there’s the crash. The user will become so tired, they’ll spend entire days in bed. They don’t eat, they don’t acknowledge their responsibilities, they just kind of lie there like they’re dead for the whole weekend and get upset with you if you ask them to make you food (even though you’re a child and afraid of burning yourself on the stove because you’re not tall enough to actually reach it yet).

Through all this, my mom did pretty much nothing, despite the fact that I told her literally every single weekend that I was scared my father was going to kill me. I implored her to ask for sole custody (the fact that I knew that term at six should’ve been a clue that I knew what I was talking about), but she refused because she was scared of him. I was, too, only I couldn’t do anything about it without her help. CPS was called twice on him, but I wasn’t bruised “enough”. And my mother was too afraid to act, so nothing was done. Though I estranged myself from my father at fifteen, he had partial custody in the state’s eyes until I was eighteen.

Next up, my childhood babysitter, who was a right piece of work. Her children would steal my belongings and then claim they were theirs (I remember this little foam souvenir I got from Seattle that her kids took, and when I went to retrieve it, I was punished). This daycare provider’s methods of punishment were archaic. She and my father would’ve been great friends, I think. This woman would punish us by literally locking us in a 2x2 coat closet for hours at a time. We couldn’t sit, we had to stand. We couldn’t make noise, we had to “think about our actions”. And it was completely dark; even the gap under the door was covered. Now, I was kid who–with my trauma history–acted out a LOT (I mean, daily), so I dare say I likely spent more hours inside that closet than out of it when I was 3 and 4.

Oh, and when she was extra angry, she’d step on our hands or backs.

Yes, that sounds unbelievably barbaric. Her daycare facility was closed down in 1999 or 2000, I think, because a parent threatened to sue (or did sue, I’m not sure).

When I was young, my dad used to leave me with people I didn’t know in our neighborhood, while he… well, I don’t know what he was doing, but I’m guessing it involved something illicit. Anyway, this one time, when I was six, he left me with a teenage boy who lived across the way (my dad gave him a few dollars to babysit or whatever). And this kid had seemed nice enough. But, part of the way through the day, we rode our bikes down to the local creek to skip rocks. The boy threatened to drown me if I didn’t let him grope me. I’m not proud of this, but I acquiesced. He got mad at me for resisting, and threw me and my bike into the creek. My dad got mad at me for it.

And onto the next trauma, which is definitely in the same vein as the last. I mentally and emotionally cannot handle going into specifics here, but when I was ten, I was raped by a doctor. I was then groped by another doctor when I was eighteen. This is the only chunk of trauma I will keep relatively private, because it remains the most traumatic experience of my life and I just can’t talk about, it other than to acknowledge that it happened and that I’m terrified of doctors as a result.

Last one about my dad, I promise.

My dad would sometimes show up at places where I was (school, out to meals, etc.). These were places he was not supposed to be, mind you, as he wasn’t supposed to see me outside of visitation weekends. Sometimes, he used to threaten to kill himself/ me/ others/ pets with his rifle (the only reason I knew he had a rifle was because he kept threatening to use it). He would physically block my exits, always had to control where I was or who I was with, and liked to grab my wrists to physically restrain me. I mean, he was the epitome of abusive white male. My father is the most vile excuse for a human being that I have ever had the misfortune of knowing.

While we’re talking physical abuse, when I was a kid, I had a scout leader. This one time, when I was fifteen, she was mad at me for “mouthing off” when I refused to do something (a chore, because I’d been doing all the chores and I didn’t think it was fair that I was always working while my peers had all the fun–that was a valid complaint, btw). She got mad, came up on deck of the scout boat, grabbed me hard enough to leave bruises, dragged me down a ladder by the arm, and physically prevented me from going back above deck until I had done the stupid chore.

Because I felt unsafe, I left the program and tried to join another unit. But they turned a blind eye (because that’s scouting in America). I left the program altogether and forfeited all the awards I’d spent multiple years to earn. I failed my junior year of high school because of the resulting period of depression (I also dissociated the entire year of 2012, and don’t remember 99% of that school year).

Throughout all of this, my mother was... I mean, she tried in her way. I believe that. But when I sought comfort or told her I was suicidal, she’d say things like I was annoying or she should’ve aborted me. So, while I’m sure she cared in her way, she didn’t (or couldn’t) be what I needed in a mother. She was often just as angry and unpredictable as my father, though far less violent.

My mom also tends to shut down or change the topic if the current one makes her uncomfortable. She’d often give me the silent treatment as a kid, until I dropped whatever it was we were talking about. Or she’d yell at me/ call me names/ whatever. Unfortunately, many of these conversations had to do with my abuse, so these hurtful things often came during times when she knew I was already vulnerable. While I believe my mother cares and has always cared, she was not able to protect me as a child, and I don’t know if I can make my peace with that. She wasn’t able to be what I needed, and that has weighed on me for most of my life now.

I’ve never really had a safe adult in my life to turn to. I don’t know if anyone can be what I need, but I know I still need it. And that’s a tricky place to be. My therapist has said I should’ve been placed in foster care, and I’ve often thought maybe my life would’ve turned out different—better, even—if I had been. Though, I suppose there’s little point dwelling on this; I will never know, and I’ll have to be okay not knowing. I just wish I had a safe “chosen family” to kind of balance out all the chaos. Like an anchor, I suppose.

I have tried to kill myself three times, the most recent of these attempts in September 2017. I regularly struggle with nightmares, suicidal thoughts, shame, guilt, anger, lying (I tell people I’m fine when I’m not, or that I’m taking better care of myself than I am), trouble focusing, and the list goes on and on. I also curse like a fucking sailor, in case you hadn’t noticed (it’s angry energy that needs a place to go... I’m not punching anybody).

So, that’s why the fuck I have PTSD.

[misskatstuff-blog]

no.2

This is a story of context of who I am and where I come from, lets start on the day a star was born aka my birthday. My mom was 21, single mom, just trying to figure things out and she claims I cried a lot which is still a thing btw. Anyways she loved me a lot but trying to raise a newborn alone is never easy, so, in step my favourite people my nan and pop. My nan is super saucy and awesome she has a garden, she loves chickens, her catchphrase is “how about some fruit,” when asked whats for desert, her qualifications for becoming a doctor are pretty good because according to her gargling salt water can fix all your problems. My pop is the sweetest man ever, he's quiet and he cares so much about the people around him. He refuses to quit work at 73 years old because he claims “everyone I know who retires always ends up dead or in the hospital,” or “someones got to work so you can spend all their money,” (sorry pop). Either way when I think about how much I love them I start to cry. 

So off I go to live with my nan and pop, which is great because I had a tree house and bunk beds and a German shepherd named duke and all was well except even at a young age I had horrible anxiety. I mention this because even though mental health is growing in recognition its still not discussed enough. Soooooo everyone always thought I was being over dramatic (which I am) but they just kind of thought I was soft, needed tougher skin etc. When I was 8 my pop was at work and my nan had to go to the grocery store she asked if I would be fine alone I thought I would be so she left, 15 minutes went by and thats when the panic started, why wasn't she home yet? maybe something happened? what if she was in an accident and no one remembered to call me? I had to call the grocery store and get them to page her because I needed to make sure she was okay. Events like this continued to happen as I got older, a memorable one was when I watched an episode of coronation street with my pop and it was the first time I had ever seen two men kiss or heard about people being gay, I was so terrified I was going to be gay that every night for a week I had to get my nan to tuck me in and tell me while I cried myself to sleep that even if I were gay she would still love me. It wasn't until after I got to university these feelings of panic became too much, between test anxiety and not even being able to sleep with people because I’d wake up the next day thinking I was pregnant and literally having fits of hysteria where I would punch myself in the stomach did I realize that I really needed help. If that was hard for you to hear, I apologize but I started writing this to share my truths. Don't feel bad for me, I know I’m sharing some personal and dark things but I promise you my life thus far has been far more good than bad. I have medication now that helps and puts me more at ease, sometimes are harder than others but I push through. 

Going back again after living with my grandparents up until grade 2 I came to the notion that little girls should be with there moms so I moved to Edmonton in 2003. It made sense at the time but once I got there it was a complete whirlwind I loved my mom and brother but I was so extremely homesick that there were not many parts of it I enjoyed. So 6 months later I moved back to nl, I called my nan to ask if she would come up and get me in December. It wasn't until recently she told me the conversation her and my pop had about flying up to get me, she said “ray we can't really afford this right now, we won't be able to have much for Christmas,” to which my pop responded “I don’t care, we’ll slap a bow on her head and she’ll be our Christmas.” and I was, I’ve lived with them ever since and they truly are my rocks. 

As for friends I’ve had lots come and go, my childhood and high school friends are mostly memories of the past but thats what happens when you grow up. I wish I could say I was better at friends, I have lots of acquaintances people I talk to every now and then but I’ve never been someone who really has close or best friends. I don't have a friend I talk to everyday or one that I see regularly but there are people I consider in my life to be extremely special to me and who I love very much. I like friends I can be myself around, the ones who think I’m funny and see beyond the facade of who I try to be sometimes, the ones that know what to say when I seem to think the world is crashing in on me, these friends are valuable and people to be treasured. 

I know I have a lot to say but bare with me through this one, okay? My body, I say its mine because for a long time I refused to take ownership of it. Why on earth would I want something that seemed to constantly betray me? My mind was fighting me, my body for reasons still undiagnosed today gains weight at the mere sight of a chocolate bar, sprouts hair from random places, has eczema covering my arms and a hormonal imbalance that likely means I will never naturally conceive a baby, it always seemed to be plotting against me. So how does one love a body like this, a body like mine, thats the question. Well let me tell you some secrets, I try HARD, I put on my makeup, I wear clothes that make me feel pretty, and for one solid year before I’d get dressed in the morning I’d look in the mirror and tell myself I was beautiful even though there were people around me who tried to belittle that beauty by calling me nasty things. I am no master of loving myself I still have insecurities but I tell them to fuck off, this is the only body I’ll ever get (unless I get reincarnated, which please god if you exist let me be a princess) so I have to get along with it. For starters as a kid I didn't even realize that being bigger was an issue, I used to love my tummy cause it was soft and if I squished it all together it would kinda remind me of cake which was awesome, but as I got older and my nan would be in my ear telling me to sit up straight and suck my tummy in I began to realize that maybe in fact there was something wrong with the way I looked.. but now I'm just over it, hating myself or the way I looks takes up too much time, its tiring so I do what makes me feel good.

 so maybe thats it for now, its a lot to process, you’re probably busy, I’m uncertain. However, if you actually took time to read this it means a lot.

Kat