#me and the bf I live with are not very outwardly emotional people

[anxietytriangles]

I really need to cut contact with my mom. Every time she calls I think “how bad could this conversation be?” and somehow it’s always worse than the last time.

[ochrearia]

RGB Trio according to my Synesthesia

Been mentioning it on and off for a bit but I experience the world differently. "What is a Synesthesia Portrait?" Good question! I have synesthesia, specifically the one that connects hearing and sight called Chromesthesia. What that means is sounds/songs will trigger visions of shapes and colors for me whenever I listen. Due to this music is a super important part of how I process the world in general, and what I grew up learning was to perceive people's personalities as music too. Everyone has a song out there that encapsulates who they are to me! Even fictional characters if I know enough. So, I bridge the gap and make it so people/characters have these abstract portraits of themselves. Stylized, of course, in reality these forms are much more blurred together than crisp in lines. I just paint them in this way to make it a little more understandable.

I've been a little disconnected from making synesthesia art for some time and this is my way of getting back into it. Turning my blorbos into art because I'm cringe and free. "But they don't really have personalities in FNF" you underestimate my ability to derive pieces of people from the smallest "insignificant" actions. I pay ATTENTION. Here's their songs in order of BF, GF, and Pico-

BF, and I describe him as a goddamn tranquilizer dart to the head because it's correct. Despite being a gremlin piece of shit he's dedicated and confident and stupidly, brainlessly fearless. And his intentions can come off very sweet regardless of him being a menace. Dude's passionate about what he thinks is right and fights for it. Weird how he always seems to win like he overpowers everyone with his own sound, talks them down and placates them without ever needing actual words.

GF, because she may also be a bit (a lot) brainless but it's with an air of mischief and mysticism that feels like dancing a waltz. She seems like the sweetest and kindness person out there because honestly, she probably is. Despite being dumb she's definitely hiding emotional smarts in that pretty head. And she's strong too, strong within herself and strong because she's a demon. But no matter what and no matter how little we end up really seeing her she manages to capture the attention like the way a violin's strings pierce through any sound.

Pico, because he's lived through so much bad and maybe he might end up considering himself bad and unredeemable too. Playing into the idea he's a merciless killer who can be bought into doing anything terrible but he didn't pull the trigger when he was supposed to, twice. Loyal and moral when it comes to the people he cares about. Outwardly spiky and cold like a snowstorm but at the center it's only a soft flurry, lonely and wondering if he's really a lost cause or not. But it's okay, he's got friends that stick around and think otherwise.

[soullikethesea]

Stuff...

TWs all over... for emotional abuse, sexual abuse , sex in general

"I try to keep this pain inside, but I will never be alright

I'm lost in these memories

Living inside my own illusion

Lost all my dignity

Living inside my own confusion"

Those are the lyrics that Fox keeps repeating over and over.

And it all falls together.

The memories of my mum (no words). I really felt like her emotional abuse made me lose my dignity. I felt sub-human, worth less than a grain of sand. I felt that I must be evil. And so very bad. And she outwardly rejected me. I mean, she'd literally tell me that she wanted me gone. She used my cat to manipulate me. She would barge in my room at all hours to scream at me. She'd lock me out of the house. She said she'd buy champagne to celebrate that I was gone, when she kicked me out and sent me to my dad's. (Where I also wasn't allowed to stay, by the way).

I feel the anger and defeat.

Then it's also mixed with the feeling of finding new friendships. And I also fell in love. So many possibilities. Somewhere deep inside I realized that I was gay and I was quite okay with that, mostly because it was mostly just exciting to find out.

But I was also really worried about my parents finding out, especially my dad. He made a lot of mean jokes about gay people. Then at some point I told Bf, and he was the one who fully scared me about it. It was a major hit to my self-esteem, mostly because I basically believed everything he could say. He said that gay people are genetically inferior and that I would never ever be able to make a girl happy.

His comments hit so deep... I already believed that I was excluded from being able to have relationships with most people in general, because he said I would probably scare them away because I have self-harm scars. That also scared me a lot and made me feel much more insecure.

Then I hooked up with a friend a few years later. She wasn't gay, but just wanted to "try it out" and I had a crush on her, so I didn't think about it really. I thought it was pretty fun/interesting, but she knew my insecurities (I'd told her about what Bf said) and she said that indeed there was something missing. Rather than realising that this was about her not being gay + both of us being totally inexperienced, I drew it all inside. She also asked me not to tell anyone, which made it a lot more isolating because we only had mutual friends.

I walked away from that with deep, deep insecurities that still play a huge role. I still feel too afraid to try to date women. I still feel convinced that no one could like me and that I wouldn't be able to make anyone happy.

And the thing that hurts me a lot looking back, is how Bf used this to his advantage. He really convinced me that he was my only option of a person who would want to be with me, and also the only escape from my mum. I was aching for help.

He said he would teach me how to have sex and all that. He said we'd build it up in steps. And he basically had a plan on how to build it up in one week. Except his plan didn't really work for me and my body. (Plus, I'm not attracted to guys so it all felt really counter-intuitive).

In that stupid dream that I had last week, I was giving him a BJ. And I hate how I can remember so much about that. And I hate that eventually that's what I preferred, because intercourse would hurt So Much. It was so freaking painful. Now I know about the endo, but back then I couldn't explain it at all. And he thought we just had to practice more. And so we did. And it was really traumatizing.

And I feel that vulnerability and insecurity from back then. And I hate that I let someone take me in their hold. And I feel the intense betrayal that Mae feels, especially when he overtly assaulted us. That was so devastating for any feeling of control or trust that we had left. And for Fox it just felt like he was pushed to the side and ignored, because we did do that. He never even really liked Bf.

So when Fox comes close, I have so many things to cry about. Tonight it was about how I feel too ruined to have a relationship, let alone one that I would actually enjoy.

And the things about my parents. Their abuse feels heavy on my shoulders. Like I crumble under the pressure, and turn into what they saw in me. Bad intentions, zero worth, so much of a burden - needs to be disposed of.

[the-writers-bookshelf]

i always forget to send these in 😭😭 anyway, ive started a new WIP!! im currently calling it 'you cannot live on hope alone' but thats very liable for change in the future. ive made a few ocs for this world, but my favorite so far has to be mariah "mary" morrison. have a very, very rough summary of her life!!

mariah was always a really quiet kid, troubled home life and so on. she was always a bit more perspective then other ppl her age and ended up getting involved with a bad group of people when she was about 17. at first, she wasnt too afraid of said group. then little by little, they got more violent around her. and then, im not sure on the whys or the hows, but someone was killed in front of mariah

cue her chopping her hair off in the bathroom, dramatic style. she then got on the first train and left to somewhere undetermined. she had very bad paranoia for some time, eventually her feelings mustve stabilized a bit, im not sure on the hows.

she then met dorrell when she was 21. i dont have too much on dorrell at the moment, but his set of issues left him willing to run away with someone he met like 2 weeks ago (possible exaggeration) so you can see how well hes doing. note: he may be running away from something too, but im not sure what

mariah and dorrell are dating in a romantic way and a queerplatonic way, the labels dont really matter. what matters is that they are ride or die to a stupid degree. they could be bf and gf or best friends, it doesnt matter what word you assign to them, if that makes sense? theyre just insane idiots being insane idiots together it matters to me that while she is strong, she isnt fully apathetic or unaffected. i feel like very often when female characters are strong in this sense, theyre emotionless and have those cinematic shots of a single tear running down their cheek and nothing more. while this can be done well, i dont think thats what i want for her. i want her to be strong and i want her actions to destroy her. every person she hurts, every person she kills weighs on her. and itll weigh on her for years, and even as she grows older, grows more apathetic to death, i still want her to carry that guilt. when shes younger, in her, what im calling paranoid arc, i want her to be emotional, and i want it to be ugly and raw. i dont know how her emotions stabilize to a more outwardly cool demeanor, maybe some arson-therapy.

its so important to me that everybody thinks shes calm and apathetic and isnt affected at all while shes slowly being destroyed from the inside, bite by bite. i just... i need her to be messy and rough. sorry, this is very very long, i have a lot of thoughts about her, evidently

GOD I WOULD DIE FOR MARIAH

Especially when you said she needs to be messy and rough but also silently falling apart inside...that resonated with me SO HARD!! I LOVE her already!!! I can't WAIT to watch her story develop! :)

[anicegaykid]

who dis?

#firstpost seems more daunting than it needs to be. Got myself all creative blocked up so here is a little diddy to get to know me better.. 

Are you named after anyone?

I am actually named after Jessica Wakefield from Sweet Valley High

When was the last time you cried?

tbh, I tend to flip from emotionless to SUPER emotional like 0-60. Sometimes no response, sometimes (like this afternoon) I see a beautiful pond surrounded in nature, being natural and beautiful, water sparkling in the sunshine and the tears just roll.

Do you have kids? If no, how many do you want?

No kids atm, but a couple kiddos would be nice in the near future

If you were another person, would you be a friend of yourself?

..like.. what.. ? am I just like a duplicate of me? Like am I the same person I am now and would I be friends with someone JUST like me? Or am I someone else? Who am I? Like, I enjoy spending time on my own? 

Bottom line, I like me. 

Do you use sarcasm a lot?

100%

What’s the first thing you notice about people?

eyes, smile, lips, face bone structure

What is your eye color?

blue, sometimes they get a little grey

Scary movie or happy endings?

BOTH. 

Favorite smells?

Citrus, patchouli, cut grass, peaches and strawberries

Do you have any special talents?

Talents include: fantastic with horses, very good dog mom, I can cook frozen pizzas to perfection -- if I don’t get distracted, designing queer tees, i can roll a pretty decent j, solid problem solver, got some wit and can be funny. 

Where were you born?

Charlottetown, Prince Edward Island, Canada

What’s your zodiac sign? Do you believe in it?

Leo; I mean it IS surprisingly accurate like all the time. 

What are your hobbies?

I am kind of in between hobbies right now.. I dabble in some things. I go to the gym like more than average, but I would like to go more - said everyone ever. I’d like to hike more, camp more, build more things out of pallets, you know.. the usual

Do you have any siblings?

I have a 21 year old brother and a 14 year old sister.

What do you want to be when you grow up?

Life is pretty great tbh, I’d like to continue being happy with my little fam

Who was your first best friend?

My first best friend would have to be my cousin, Brittany. Like a sister.

How tall are you?

5′6″

What is the least favourite thing about yourself?

I wish I was a lot better at expressing how I feel. 

Things that still bother me - my wife and I had a discussion about proposals and who would ask who. We landed on me asking her, which I did and am SO happy about, but the reason behind it being that I am so poor at expressing emotions that she was afraid it would affect her confidence in my response. 

For a first TMI moment of the blog, I have so much anxiety in my ability to express myself that I can’t even manage to make any “noise” during sex. Doesn’t even matter that I am my most comfortable self with her, STILL struggle. A work in progress for me I guess. 

Funniest moment throughout School?

There was a time when we were at a beach party when I was 17, the RCMP showed up to break it up and snag any and all intoxicated minors they could. The tide had recently come in, but where we were was a little dip in the side of the cliff so the path back to the road was water-covered. So someone peeks around the cliff to see the two Mounties wading through the water. This party crew are country-folk and are 100% ready for this situation with a wooden ladder that leads up the side of the cliff into a field close to where all the vehicles are parked. As party-goers are running through the field to cars, someone shouts, “PIT PARTY” and everyone heads towards the local Pit. Along the way someone with a truck steals a round bale from a field and uses it to create the BIGGEST bonfire I’ve ever seen. 

How many countries have you visited?

like ~10

What was your favourite/worst subject in High School?

I struggled with math but funny enough my career path has led me to a life in the casino so I do math daily and enjoy it very much!

My favourite courses in High School were Conservation and Agricultural Science. 

What is your Favourite drink? Animal? Perfume?

Coke Zero Cherry

Horse

Karma by Lush

What would you (or have you) name your children?

I really like Posy, Daisy, Freddie and Loren

What Sports do you play/Have you played?

I used to Figure Skate, Horseback Ride, Ringette

Who are some of your favourite YouTubers?

I’ve always been a Grace Helbig, Mamrie Hart, Hannah Hart fan

I like Phil DeFranco for news, Pewds for some lulz, love me some Tyler Oakley, Whitney Simmons and Chloe Ting to work the booty, Vox for learning, FunForLouis has some BEAUTIFUL imagery and plays to the traveler side of me and I recently discovered Will Smith’s channel and cannot get enough!

How many Girlfriends/Boyfriends have you had?

I have had an unsettling amount of bfs for a lesbian, but 2 of them really stand out as being genuinely decent guys and I would still hang out with, platonically, to this day.

I have had a grand total of 4 gfs, I married the fourth bc I got LUCKY AS HECK!

Favourite memory from childhood?

The day I got my first puppy.

One time I was gifted a horse for Christmas bc my Dad felt so bad that I had to have my first pony put down earlier that year. 

I also was old enough to remember both my siblings being born!

How would you describe your fashion sense?

tom boy hyper femme 

What phone do you have? (iOS v Android?)

iPhone6s

Tell us one of your bad habits!

I bite my nails and chew my cuticles

3 things that upset you?

inequality

excessive force

did I say inequality?

3 things that make you happy?

Olivia

My animals

family

How is your relationship with parents?

My Mom is one of my best friends in this world! My Dad is an odd case, he struggles with my sexuality, I understand that it is because of where and when he grew up, he is never outwardly rude or mean to me, he’s a quiet country guy, he was at our wedding, he gave me away with my Mom, he’s kind to Olivia, he’s kind to me, he doesn’t understand but recognizes that it is real. I love my Dad, I really do. I’m proud of my Mom for educating him and ensuring that he is present and polite. I get frustrated from time to time and I have cried a lot of tears about it. Our relationship can be strange but at the same time hasn’t changed. He’s been a great Dad and he’ll be a fantastic Grampy. I have to check myself because there are people who are much worse off than me. I get jealous of Olivia sometimes because her Dad is so sweet to her and treats me like a daughter so easily, but my Dad has never been the soft spoken lovey type. We’ve hugged twice in my life. One of them was when I was leaving for England with a one way ticket and no foreseeable return plans and one was when he was jokingly blocking my path and I used it as a disarming mechanism to scoot through. 

What’s on your mind?

All I can think about today is the fact that I became an aunt at 5AM this morning and I’m going to see his later this afternoon. I SO excited!

What’s your talent?

troubleshooting queen.

naturally creative to my own surprise.

One word that describes you?

patient

What’s your favourite quotes?

No Pride for some of us without liberation for all of us . Marsha P Johnson

We way too fly to partake in all this hate, we out here vibin’ . Ariana Grande

Any pets?

4 dogs:

Finnley - Great PyreneesXAustralian Shepard

Effie - Border CollieX

Shiro - DacshundXMiniature Australian Shepard

Moose - Great PyreneesXFinnley

2 Cats:

Priya - long haired tabby, kinda sorta Ragdoll’esque

Punkin - short haired orange tabby with a poofy tail

2 Beta Fishies:

King Push & Todd

What is the farthest you’ve been from home?

I lived in England for 2 years & travelled Europe for a month

Are you an extrovert or introvert?

I think TECHNICALLY an introvert?  I can be v extroverted but I really need time to recharge. Recharging for me is being home with my comforts. My wifey, doggos, snacks and Netflix.

Are you left or right handed?

Right hander

Do you consider yourself a good cook?

Like.. sort of? I don’t cook much but when I do I always surprise myself with how well I do lol

Does your name have a special meaning?

It means my Mother was 18 when she had me and REALLY liked Sweet Valley High

If money were no object what would you get for your next birthday?

2 weeks away from home/work, road trip to Halifax for the fertility clinic, get started on a baby and then fly off to one of those tropical cabins on the water. 

If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?

I would love to have a few homes! A winter getaway BC. A condo in Halifax, NS and a cute little hobby farm here in PEI in some rolling hills somewhere in between Kensington and Charlottetown. 

What’s your favourite thing to have for breakfast?

I love chocolate chip waffles/pancakes, French style pastry breakfast, and when I’m feeling fab, some eggs benny on smoked salmon with a couple mimosas on the side. 

What’s your favourite gadget?

I just got a Fitbit so thats been pretty exciting, aside from that, my phone is on me at like all times. 

What’s your longest relationship so far?

My current one. We’re about to hit 4 years together, married for a little over a month. 

[laylipop]

MBTI types according to people I’ve met IRL

ISTJ: (Current love interest, former classmate and friend's ex) - Possibly most practical human being I've ever met - Doesn't get enough credit for their deeds - At one point wanted to study history as a major - Has a hidden goofy side and are surprisingly caring - Will wake up at 3am or travel home from a vacation right away if needed at their job ESTJ: (Friend's mom and former colleagues) - Bossy to a fault - Panics if they're wrong - Wants to change people if they think they can improve them - Probably sleeps with a suit on - Expects everyone to follow the rules, but doesn't always follow them themselves ISFJ: (2 formerly close female friends, best friend's sister and former love interest) - My close friend that acts like my mom - Feels the need to double check everything - Sleeps with everyone that's cute - Makes people feel guily if they don't reply to their texts within 2 minutes - They all either work or have worked as a waiter/waitress ESFJ: (roomie and guy I used to date for a month) - Puts everyone else before themselves - Absolutely despises selfish actions - Can be really shy and awkward - Studies really hard but still fails - Can't stand being mad at people, they always accept apologies ISFP: (My mom and best male friend) - Most judgemental out of all the perceivers - Beats you up if you're a bully - Hyper sensitive to everything and gets annoyed easily - Changes plans faster than you can blink - Very strong-willed and stubborn ESFP: (couple of friends) - Loudest people at every convention - The kind of people who ask the dumb questions e.g. "What's Africa's capital city? ... What? ... No, Africa is a country, you dumbass!" - Attended every single party they've ever been invited to - Laughs at everything - Can't take a hint ISTP: (My dad and a couple of friends) - The most badass person you'll ever meet - Hidden sensitivity and soft side - Tells absolutely hilarious but inappropriate jokes and thinks Hitler memes are funny - Curses like a sailor - Spends too much time playing video games ESTP: (Me and a friend – I'll just describe my friend) - Very straightforward - Unbreakable ego: "I know I'm very handsome" - Chillest person you'll ever meet - Materialistic to a fault - Can't get offended no matter how much shit you tell them INTP: (Acquaintances and past fling) - Total dork - Extremely smart but also extremely lazy - Probably does drugs - They really just want to be loved - Can mess up greatly at a social interaction and not realize it at all ENTP: (Acquaintances) - Hates me and doesn't even try to hide it - Wants to have discussions with everything that moves - Definitely does drugs - Spends their free time alone watching series - Goes to concerts almost every weekend INTJ: (Roomie/best friend's bf and several friends) - Obviously hates everyone - Leaves 2 hours after arriving at a party - Pursues their goals with extreme determination and drive - Asks a lot of theoretical questions that can't be answered - Extremely sensitive ENTJ: (My older brother and a friend) - Already knows everything there ever is to know - Could probably convince a straight person they're gay - A more relaxed version of the ESTJ - Extremely fascinated by emotions and admires kindness more than most people - Outwardly a perfect human being INFP: (My older sister and a bunch of friends) - Contains more emotions than they can handle - Extreme dislike of people they consider "evil" - The peacekeeper every family needs - Probably most insecure and jealous - Adorable, quiet goofball ENFP: (BFF/roomie, older brother, a lot of other very close friends and 2 ex boyfriends) - Friends with anyone they've ever talked to - Would gladly let you and your 8 siblings and 10 dogs live with them should you need it - Loves just about anyone and everything - Can absolutely destroy you if they put their mind to it - Has big dreams and wants to experience the entire World, but stays at home reading a book INFJ: (Close friends) - Talks in metaphors - Very nice, understanding and kind people at first, but complains a lot about everything once you get to know them - Able to spend an entire week never leaving their room without a problem - Can see into the future. Whenever something strange happens, you'll hear an INFJ in the corner go: "Ah, yes. Everything is proceeding as I have foreseen" - Will probably never get laid ENFJ: (Friends, best male friend's mom and ex mother-in-law) - Pretends to be your friend - Probably the most clingy of all types - Asks you what your favorite animal is - Able to summon demons and natural disasters when angry - Believes in horoscopes

[mathes0n]

thashe thashe thashe thashe thashe thashe

:))))))))

Who’s the messiest one: Ashe probably?? Like she doesn’t own much to begin with, but she’s got a system of ‘organized chaos’ that works just fine for her. It does NOT, however, work for Thog, who gets incredibly uncomfortable with messes when they linger for too long. He’s constantly cleaning Ashe’s junk up and Ashe is like “aww thank you thog!” and Thog’s like “this isn’t out of kindness and if you make a mess again then I’m throwing it all the fuck out” (he never does)

Who feels the most uncomfortable about PDA: Thog… doesn’t know how to show a human emotion when surrounded by people he’s not very comfortable with. He doesn’t really mind PDA, but he can’t dish it out. Ashe, meanwhile, thinks its no ones business what she and her bf do. Outwardly, they are the most nonromantic couple anyone’s ever seen (in private though, they’re super sappy and gross. It’s their best kept secret)

Who’s the funniest drunk: It depends on who you ask tbh; on those rare times where Ashe gets drunk, she’s very loose, very carefree, and is extremely entertaining to those who know Ashe personally. Then there’s Thog; when he’s not sobbing into his drink, he’s tearing up the dance floor. His shirt was gone after the second drink. Get him and Ashe drunk together, and they’ll be as disgustingly affectionate as they are in private, except with nothing holding them back.

Who texts the most: Thog would be a horrible texter. He only gives one word responses like “Okay.” or “Sure.” and it’s impossible to hold a conversation with him this way; he’d much rather just talk through a phonecall or in person. Then there’s Ashe, who spells like 23% of the words she types correctly and uses emojis that just barely work to convey her point and impulsively texts her friends every thought that pops into her head (such as taking pictures of a pug she saw in the park and sending it to Thog like “is ths u?”). Thog won’t admit it but he thinks its absolutely precious??

Who has the most embarrassing taste in music: I don’t know if this genre of music would exist in TI canon, but Thog would love electric swing. It’s not embarrassing to him, but everyone gives him shit for it. I love electric swing and even I would give him shit for it

Who reads the most: Oh Ashe definitely. Whenever she gets some downtime, she loves to read whatever book she can get her hands on. Whenever Thog’s working on paperwork or whatnot, she’ll read in the same room as him. Sometimes, she’ll read aloud to Thog when he needs to keep his mind off things. Ashe strikes me as a very bookish person 

Who’s better with kids: Again, Ashe, for sure. Kids kinda make Thog… uncomfortable. Like, he’s a major asshole, but even he knows better than to be an asshole to kids, but he doesn’t really know how not to be an asshole, so he doesn’t really like hanging out with them. Ashe, on the other hand? A total kid person. She’s the type of person who talks in fluent gibberish with a baby for like 10 minutes. Catch her volunteering at a daycare and letting 6 kids hang off of her. Ashe loves kids so much

Who’s the one that fixes things around the house: Thog probably definitely grew up under rough circumstances, so he’s used to living in rundown shitholes and having to fix everything. Regardless of whether its canon or a modern au, Ashe is probably super behind on technology and stuff, so it’s really best that she leaves it to Thog.

Who’s got the weirdest hobby: Ashe does wood carving; Thog does poetry. They’d swear to the ends of the Earth that the other has the weirder hobby. 

Who cooks and who cleans up: Like I said before, Thog’s been looking out for himself for a long time, so he’d probably be pretty proficient at both (Ashe helps him with cooking from time to time, but Thog would rather she never try and help him clean. Ever.)