#she really just brought up some of my worst trauma and then told me it’s my fault I’m disabled

[anxietytriangles]

I really need to cut contact with my mom. Every time she calls I think “how bad could this conversation be?” and somehow it’s always worse than the last time.

[cokoweee]

Alright time to pause my simping for the rabbit and analyze some shit. Part 5 I think?

I really think our traumatized purple turtle thinks Kendra is dead or hurt. He is still pretty out of it and can't really see what is real or not. My man is totally out of it. And still thinks the worst of every situation, which is understandable. So because of his "little" outburst, he either thinks he hurt Kendra bad or just straight up killed her. Let's go with the worst because I like trauma and angst:)

Now a quick take on the dress. Yeah yeah he is down bad blah blah blah. Yes but also another point. In that dress Kendra told Donnie she will stick around and he won't get rid of her.

It was probably the first time in a long time period that Donnie heard those words, which you can see it in his face. Which now he thinks he destroyed(yet again).

But this time it is even worse. Because he let himself catch feelings, and now to think he hurt or killed the person that somehow stayed and was by his side, or managed to somehow brought the connection to his brothers back? Man that face just screams utter terror. We all know and saw that Donnie changed a little. Not much because that takes time, but the change is there. And we all saw the person who helped him to change. And he also knows that. And now he hurt/killed the one person that actually stayed.

And that is what made up his mind. He needs to make a change. Now that is brothers are "back", he knows he can't run anymore. I'm very curious on how Donnie and Kendra will react when they see each other again. Those two will have very different reactions, one probably shock because "holy shit you're alive and not hurt?!" and the other one "you fucking piece of shit you just left me, prepare to get your ass beaten."

Well that's it from my analysis, gonna run now and wait for the next time my brain is smart.

I like this one. I didn’t think anyone would point that out from the date episode chapter thing(mainly cause I fucked up the links)

Him hurting her 100% is on his mind cause during his lil episode he rlly doesn’t remember much of anything that happened during it so it’s a big possibility.

Your lil analysis is going in the brain tube. It will be swirled around and feed the next updates

[yourlocallunatic]

My Lady.

podrick payne x Lannister f!reader

18+

summary: Bastard daughter of Jamie Lannister you’ve stayed in the Red Keep as a ladies maid without your family's knowledge, after Jeoffrey dies it’s no longer safe for you so your father sends you with his new ally.

warnings: smutttt! piv sex, oral, m & f receiving. lovey dovey shit. lannister trauma. probably some typos….sue me.

WC: 7.4k

The commotion during the week after your cousin's death was something you hadn’t seen since the former King Baratheon died and the ‘usurper’ Ned Stark was beheaded. They were questioning you, you knew they would—you had been working for Sansa Stark ever since she arrived in King’s Landing, of course, her ladies' maid would know something of her disappearance as well as her new husbands. You and Shae had been asked to testify against Tyrion in the trial, you knew you couldn't testify against your uncle without revealing your true lineage. Not many knew of it, but your uncle was one of them.

You'd been waiting in your chambers silently for days, sneaking out only to steal food from the kitchens. When your door busted open suddenly you thought the worst, Cersei had found you out, or even worse Lord Tywin, he wouldn't think for a second before killing you. A bastard in his family. How shameful.

"My daughter, come with me now," you were shocked to see your father, he didn't engage with you unless absolutely necessary. As devastating as it was that you hardly ever saw him, you knew it was for your safety. You glance down to his now golden hand, having only heard from the other maids and squires of what happened to him. "Come, quickly now, pack a sack we don't have much time." what were his plans now though? He'd only just gotten back.

"What are we doing?" you began to slowly gather a couple of dresses and slips, but Jamie was clearly in much more of a rush, tearing a long, grey cloak from your cabinet before unbuckling a golden, lion-pommeled dagger and tossing them in a bag.

"You mustn't use this unless you need to. And we aren't doing anything you are going away."

"But you told me it was safer here, where you are!" you picked up the pace, tying your bag together as your father draped your cloak and hood over you, nearly completely concealing your face, "I can't see anything! Can't you just tell me what's happening?"

"Keep your voice down please," he whispered grabbing your hand before tearing into the hallway. "I'll explain in a moment I promise." You huffed quietly—annoyed—but following him anyway. What else could you do but trust him? You had no one else to trust.

Winding through the halls you came to an abrupt stop outside the back entrance of the Keep. And there stood a woman you'd never seen before, she was beautiful in a way you'd never expect, tall, impressive, mighty, her eyes a striking blue. This had to be Brienne of Tarth, the woman you had heard brought your father back to King's Landing.

"Brienne please," you had never once heard your father plead. "This is the one favor I'll ask of you," he speaks to Brienne as you walk to the edge of the forest where there are three horses and two men waiting. "And here he is, your last gift," he says smiling as he pulls one of the men next to him. You knew his face. Podrick Payne. He was your uncle's squire. You two had often seen each other in passing once Tyrion and Sansa had gotten married, he was a quiet boy, but always spared a smile and a nod towards you. And you had noticed just how gorgeous his smile was. You pull your hood over your face a tad more, not knowing if you could really trust him yet.

"I don't need a squire. She'll slow me down enough already," Brienne scoffed and nodded her head in your direction.

"I won't slow you down ser-... my lady," Podrick quickly fixed his mistake before promising to serve Brienne well. The other man, Bronn you think his name was, a friend of Lord Tyrion's handed Podrick an axe before rushing him off to ready the horses.

"I trusted you to get me back to the Keep, and now I'm trusting you with my daughter. She's safest outside of King's Landing." your father glances at you and then back at Brienne, "she's been found out. If not yet then at tomorrow's trial. I can't have her killed." You look at him before grabbing his golden hand.

"Please don't. She said it herself, I'll slow her down! I can find a better place here, in the city so you can keep an eye on me!" You beg.

"You know I can't darling," he brings his hand to your face stroking your falling hair away from your eyes, "You know how jealous your aunt can get, and how protective your grandfather can get of our family. They'll find you here." you may not have known him well enough but he was your father, the only family you'd had for years. Tears welled in your eyes before you wrapped your arms around him. He held you tight, it was the first you'd been held in years, and you relished the moment. "I trust Brienne, and if you trust me, you'll trust her, Podrick's a good lad too! You know him, they keep you safe." you pulled away from him and sniffed, wiping your tears away.

"The horses are ready my lady," Podrick walked back towards you and Brienne.

"Very well. Get the lady on her horse and we'll be off soon."

"Yes, my lady."

"I'm not a lady, get her on the horse," she says sharply. You gave one more look to your father before walking with Podrick, leaving your father and Brienne to talk.

"Have you ever been North, my lady?" Podrick strikes up a conversation as he ties your bag to the back of the horse, securing the saddle before kneeling before you and setting his hand out to help you on the horse. You hadn't seen him his close before, freckles scattered his cheeks and his warm chocolate eyes stared into yours as he recognized who you were. His brows furrowed but he didn't ask questions. The loyalty of a squire.

"Never, I don't suppose I'll like it though. I'm not fond of the cold," you answer, smiling slightly to try and lighten the mood. Your hand rests on his broad shoulder as he lifts you to the horse. You let out a small yelp as you went, not expecting the strength he had, you quickly tried to play it off "Gods I hate horses, haven't ridden one in years, and last time I did I nearly got stepped on." He chuckles at you as he adjusts the stirrups for you.

"Well I'm sure he could teach you to ride," Bronn comes from the other side of the horse, patting Podrick on the back roughly as Podrick glared at him. Giving you the impression that he was often teased by the older man.

"Not sure I'd help, I haven't ridden in a while either," he turns back to you, giving you a shy smile as Brienne and Jamie start back towards you.

"Wasn't talking about horses," Bronn smirks and ruffles the top of Podrick's head, the younger man trying to push him away. "See, this lad's got a magic cock, all the girls in King's landing want him now, three whores turned away a load of gold 'cause he was that good."

"Shut up!" Podrick growls as he walks away to mount his horse, redness growing on his cheeks. You knew your face was growing hot too at the image. You'd heard plenty of stories from the other ladies' maids about what intimacy was like, and hardly ever did you hear of it being good, let alone good enough to turn away money. You adjust yourself on your saddle, a warmth quickly settling in your belly.

"Better make sure your daughter watches herself around that lad!" Bronn walks past your father patting him on the back. Your father's eyes now stare darkly at the squire who looked absolutely humiliated.

"I hear anything about you touching my daughter I'll have Brienne chop that 'magic cock' off in your sleep," Podrick looked utterly shocked, his daughter? But it was quickly replaced but fear. "You hear me, boy?" Your father's hand moved to hold the handle of the sword at his side.

"O-of course, Ser! I would never, I-I'm a gentleman, I've always respected your daughter." A blush begins to form at the tips of your ears, respect. You look to him to give him a reassuring smile and nod, just like the ones he'd give you every time you saw each other.

"Keep her safe, Brienne. Keep your oath." and that was the last you saw of your father for quite some time.

----------------------

Traveling with Brienne and Podrick had actually been somewhat enjoyable. Minus sleeping outside every night and enduring Brienne's constant grumpiness you were actually getting used to it. You and Podrick just grew closer and closer, each telling one another stories of your squiring and maid days.

Once, he questioned your lineage, and you gave him the truth. "My mother died when I was young, she was a Lady of the Court, Jamie didn't know I was his child until right before she passed. And well... you know the rumors about him and the Queen...she wouldn't have taken well to knowing he had a child that wasn't hers. Foul of them both honestly..."

"What happened after that?" Podrick urged on gently, looking at you from where he rode next to you on his horse, you could tell he was trying his best not to pry but was too curious.

"Well, he had me raised in the Keep. I worked since I could walk, in kitchens, wait staff, whatever you could think of. He always made sure I knew who he was, hardly ever saw him though."

"Does anyone else know?"

"My septa, I'm sure Varys knows because Tyrion found out recently and who else would he hear it from?" you laugh at the absurdity of the thought that your uncle had a whole other niece living under his roof and he of all people didn't know. He smiles at your story, not a single bit of judgment in his eyes.

You too had learned so much more about the sweet man that squired your uncle, even hearing of the time he and Bronn had forced Podrick to tell them everything that had happened in Littlefinger's brothel the night the women turned away the gold. That story had been told after one evening you three had spent quite a while in a tavern, seeking the warmth from the rain with fire, and probably too much ale. He had been so embarrassed the next morning when Brienne told him to stop bragging about how good he was in the bedroom.

"What are you talking about? I didn't brag about anything!" He'd said defensively as he readied your horses the next day, his face already going red. That was also the first time you heard Brienne laugh.

"If I recall, you said word for word," she said before deepening her voice to imitate Pod "'Oh Y/N, they just wouldn't stop asking! How many times am I supposed to say that I'm just good, it's all about receiving and giving.'" Podrick's mouth dropped open as he shook his head looking between the two of you.

"I-I, no I didn't say that!" he looked at you for a response and all you could do was shrug and give him an awkward smile that confirmed his fears. He looked down at his feet, ashamed, "Never let me drink that much ale again." and he was silent most of the day's ride.

As embarrassed as he was you were even more aroused. The man had grown on you, he was sweet, and always looked after you and Brienne before doing anything for himself. It didn't help that one evening he was without a tunic for a while as you washed it in the creek. He sparred with Brienne, he was getting stronger from his training, you could see it as you watched the muscles in his chest and abdomen ripple as the swords clanged together, or his arms tensing as he held defense against Brienne. He had caught your eye as you were looking at him, but you swiftly turned away in embarrassment, practically drooling. Then it had been you that didn't talk for most of the next day's ride.

Some weeks after that, you sat by a fire after the longest day you'd had. Sansa rejecting Brienne's protection, and her not trusting you for one second after she found out who you were. You'd been chased by some of Littlefinger's men, losing both Brienne and Podrick for some time. It was the first time you'd been in that much danger since Brienne defeated the Hound. Brienne slept a ways away, claiming she was too irritated with Pod to stand the sight of him. Your legs were tucked underneath you and you held your hands close to the fire.

"Are you cold, my lady?" his voice held a teasing tone, you'd told him many a time you weren't a lady, but he didn't stop, and you knew he called you that just to tease you. You were in no mood for it though, the girl you'd known and cared for for years now didn't trust you. Littlefinger had gotten into her head. You were angry, at her, at Baelish, at your father for leaving you, your mother for dying, at Brienne for picking on Podrick, and even at Podrick himself for running off without you and leaving you.

"Of course I'm cold, we're in the North now Podrick," You spat out at him. You know you'd regret your harsh tone later but right now, fuck it.

"Have I upset you?" he says softly, just the sound of his voice melting your heart. You close your eyes, all the anger and heartbreak you've had today began to swim in your eyes. "Y/N..." gods his voice couldn't be more perfect, it broke you. A sob left your lips and they didn't stop. "Whoa, woah, what's going on?" you didn't hear him stand up from his side of the fire and make his way to you before he put an arm around you. You fell right into him, he was too warm to resist, too gentle. He shushed you and rocked you in his arms until the crying stopped.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Podrick," your voice nasally from crying "I shouldn't be mad but I am. I cared for Sansa, she became a sister to me and now she doesn't trust me. I cared for my father and he sent me off, I cared for my mother and she died before I could even speak, I care for you and you left me, I know it wasn't on purpose but I was so afraid without you. I'm sorry, I don't want to be mad but I can't help it!" you choked out another sob before he looked at you and wrapped his arms around you again.

"No, no, don't say sorry, it's alright, it was a hard day, you can be mad. I-I hate that I left you...I promise I d-didn't mean to but the horse..." he trailed off pulling back to look you in the eyes. Gods you loved those damned eyes, his brows were pulled together as you stared each other in the eye, not a look of pity, just sympathy. You lean forward to rest your head against his chest, so worn from the long day. He smelt of fire smoke and evergreens. It felt so right you didn't even realize this was the closest you two had been to one another. His strong arms held you close and he rested his chin atop your head. You wondered if this felt just as right to him as it did to you.

"Pod?" you break the peaceful silence and he hums an answer in response not wanting to let go of you, "Do you care for me too?" these words made him let go, looking at you with a mixture of confusion and nerves.

"W-what?"

"I-um, said before that I cared for you, do you care for me too?" his mouth closed and opened like a fish out of the water as he searched for words, always so unsure of himself.

"Of-of course I do! I'm here to protect you." those weren't the words you'd wanted him to say.

"No, Podrick, do you care for me?"

What little remaining confidence he had left his body, he closed his eyes tightly gathering whatever courage might be inside of him before opening them and looking you in the eye, moving quietly to grab the side of your face, still wet with tears. "Yes. Very much." the tension left your body and a smile grew on your face. Your hands moved to grab behind his neck and pull his forehead to yours.

"Please, kiss me Pod, I want to know how you feel."

And he didn't even hesitate to smash his lips to yours and practically swallowing you whole. This Podrick was different, he was moved by passion and love and lust. He wasn't the clumsy boy right now, this was the broad-shouldered man you saw sparring (of course they were both just as good, they were both your Podrick). He took hold of your body and didn't let go, one of his hands was entangled in your hair holding the back of your head to pull you closer, and the other gripped your hips tightly, he was feral. You held the sides of his face and gently pushed him away so you could come up for air. You made eye contact and began to giggle at him, he let out a huff of a laugh before resting his forehead on yours.

"Sorry," he mumbled becoming the shy Pod again, "I've been wanting to do that for so long now."

"Me too."

----------------------

More weeks had passed and more things had changed. You and Podrick would sneak hidden hugs in the mornings and quiet kisses in the night when the dark had fallen. As much as you'd both like to believe you were keeping a good secret, Brienne could feel the change, she could see it in the glances and little smiles you gave each other. You'd continued to follow Sansa so Brienne could fulfill her oath. But when you came upon the aftermath of the battle between the Boltons and Stannis things went downhill. Everything was all over the place, and when you finally found Sansa she and the Greyjoy boy were being attacked by men from Ramsey's army. As Brienne and Pod went to take down the men you rushed to Sansa, you jumped off your horse and pulled her up from the ground. You watched from afar, the dagger your father gave you at your side. Your heart raced in your chest as you followed Podrick with your eyes, watching from every angle to ensure he was safe. He ended up on his back—swordless—with a man about to kill him, your body betrayed you, and standing from your safety you rushed right to him, "Podrick!" you screamed as you ran, hoping to reach him before the man struck. Your breath was stuck in your lungs but released when Theon struck the man from behind. The two men nodded at each other, Podrick's a sign of thanks.

"Oh gods," you rush to him the rest of the way and throw yourself on top of him, "I almost lost you!" you cried into his cloak.

"You won't lose me, my lady," he shoved you off of him and stood to help you up, "not now." he pressed a kiss to your forehead, not giving a flying fuck Brienne was watching. You made eye contact with her, looking away shyly and burying your face in Podrick's chest. You didn't see the small smile that graced her lips.

A few more days passed and you came to Castle Black, Sansa had apologized for not trusting you, and you gave your own apology for not telling her the whole truth. She was stubborn, it would be a slow rebuild of trust, but you could already see the young girl you first knew peeking through. Just before you reached the castle you and Sansa rode on one horse behind the two others. Podrick had looked back at you and you gave each other a shy smile. As confident as he could be sometimes, usually his nervousness won out, but so did yours.

"You love him don't you?" Sansa's voice rang behind you quietly.

"I really do," your voice sounded dreamy, something it never did. Perhaps something good might come out of this.

Jon and Sansa had reunited and things were calm for a moment. You were able to bathe, eat, and sleep in a bed covered with furs. The North was cold, you hated it just as much as you thought.

"My lady," Podrick came to sit next to you in the hall where you tried to keep warm by the fire. You immediately pull him closer trying to gather any warmth you could, "Why aren't you in bed?" he asks as he takes off his cloak to drape it around you.

"My room is freezing! I can't sleep in there! Thought in here I could at least sit by the fire."

"I don't like the thought of you here alone, the men of the Night's Watch, lots of them are dangerous...why haven't you just lit the fire in your room? That should warm you." he rubbed slow circles on your back, but your quick turn to look at him startled him back an inch.

"There is no fire in my room, don't you think I'd have lit it by now?!" the cold made you intensely irritable but you still snuggled closer to him. "Wait... Pod? You have a fire in your room?"

"Uhm...yes? You don't?"

"NO! I just said so! Ohh that is so unfair! I bet it's because I'm a woman, the fuckers."

"Hey it's alright," He says trying to calm you, "You can um, you can stay in my room if you'd like." He looks you in the eye and your gaze softens.

"Really?"

"'Course, the fire's already going, should be nice n' warm already."

"Take me there m'lord oh the chill has seeped into my bones! I need a big strong man to help me!" you faint into him dramatically. He laughs at your bad attempt at acting and helps you to your feet.

"Let's go then, my lady."

He was right the room was already warm and cozy, filled with his scent from the worn leather tunic resting over the chair. You immediately took off both of the cloaks that now rested on you and kicked off your boots, flopping into the bed and under the furs, kicking your feet as you inhaled his scent. From the door he smiled gently at you, seven hells he was head over heels.

"Goodnight then, my lady," He moved to open the door, his cheeks red as he watched you cuddling into the bed.

"Podrick? You're not staying?" the thought of him leaving had you on your feet and straight to him before he can set his hand on the knob. You pull his arm away and bring it to you.

"I don't think we should..." He looks away from you clearly very nervous about something.

"Do you not want to? I can just go back to my room, I just thought... maybe you'd want to be together, while we have the chance," you look up at him through your lashes, confused at why he'd want to leave.

"No, no, I-Just. I really don't think I could...is all," your brows pull together trying to understand, he sees the confusion and continues to explain as he moves to hold your face in his hands, "You. Lying next to me. In bed? I-I don't think I could control myself if I wanted to."

Realization flooded your expression and then you began to think. You. Him. All those stories he'd so stupidly bragged about, the thoughts of his naked chest consumed you. You'd wondered what he looked like below that too. You hadn't been with a man, not like that. A few kisses here and there but this? Something different entirely. And you wanted it. You wanted him to make you feel good, just as he'd said. So you plucked up the courage.

"Then don't," you stepped closer to him taking his hands and moving them from your face to your waist, "please Podrick? I trust you."

Every ounce of his self-control was now gone in the wind as you all but pleaded for him. "Fuck." he cursed pulling you into him and pressing his lips to yours. The Podrick you saw the night by the fire was here again, and he was hungry. You didn't hear him curse often but this, his raspy, needy voice felt like fire in your veins. You didn't think it was possible for him to hold you any closer as his face buried into your neck and his lips trailed down, nipping and licking and sucking. You'd never felt anything so heavenly.

"Pod, I... I want to see you," you pant out, beginning to pull at the strings of the thin under-tunic he was left in after he'd given you his cloak in the hall. He helped, finally pulling the top over his head and leaving his chest bare. You immediately began to trail your hands down him, feeling every single inch as you had so often dreamed of doing. "So perfect," you whisper, beginning to place feather-light kisses across the span of his chest.

"Y/N, you um, you need to tell me if you really want this, I don't want to take something from you if you value it," he spoke quietly and shyly as you continued running your hand all over him, feeling the strength of his arms, the broadness of his shoulders, the smoothness of his chest. How could you not want this?

"I want this, it is important to me, and I want you to have it," you look him in the eye, speaking your truth, "Show me, Podrick, I want it." You take your hands away from him and begin to undo the ties of your dress, wanting him to see you for all you are. He watches you intensely. Short, quick breaths leave him as he feels himself growing harder and harder within the confines of his breeches. You were magnificent, your dress slowly fell down your body and pooled on the ground by your feet. Podrick couldn't help but stare and stare and stare. The longer he did the more nervous you grew, slowly moving your hands to cover yourself.

"No," his voice was low, full of desire, "don't cover yourself, you're fucking breathtaking," he gasped out. He sounded confident, and dominant, but not in a demeaning way, in a way that made you feel loved and cared for. He reached out, grabbing your breasts in his hands and plucking softly at your hardening peaks. A soft gasp left you and he covered your mouth with his, slipping his tongue inside as he continued caressing you. His hands went lower and lower, reaching around to your backside and giving it a quick squeeze making you moan into his mouth. "You trust me, yes?" he asks, and you nod continuing to kiss him, moving to his neck like he had done to you. Shit. He tasted so good. "I want to hear you say it," he speaks, pulling your head away with the hand he now held on your cheek.

"I trust you. I love you. Do whatever you want to me," the desperation was evident in your voice and your actions as you couldn't take your hands off of him.

"Go lay down," he kissed your forehead softly before pushing you gently towards the bed. The back of your legs hit the bed and you fell back, leaving your legs hanging down. A stroke of confidence befell you and you opened your legs slightly, showing him your pussy on full display. He walked towards you excruciatingly slow and when he finally reached you he touched you so very lightly. He traced his fingers across your hip-bones, across the tops of your thighs and right down in-between, so close to where you needed him. "You've uh, have you touched yourself before?" a tremor of anxiety running through him. You meet his gaze as his hands grow closer to your center, you nod at him shyly, should you be ashamed? He quickly answers your question. "Yeah? Good." Then it happens, his rough, calloused fingers finally meet where you most need him. He's so slow it almost kills you, dragging his fingers up and down gathering your arousal on his fingertips before bringing them to your throbbing bud. He elicits the most desperate sound out of your throat. "Is that where you touch? Is that where it feels good?"

"Yes, yesyes. It feels so good," you didn't recognize your own voice so desperate and wanton. Your head falls back against the furs on the bed as he continues his work, then OH gods. You feel his soft, wet tongue touch your center. Your head whips up and you look him straight in the eye from where his mouth connects to you, as his eyes meet yours he lets out a groan, and his eye slip shut fully enamored with the taste of your pussy. You hadn't ever felt anything so perfect, but maybe he'd change your mind later. His fingers massage the insides of your thighs as he laps and sucks at you. For the sake of the Night's Watch, you try your hardest to contain your noises but when a finger slips up and starts circling around your entrance you lose it, slapping a hand to your mouth to muffle your moans. His finger slips in slowly—too slowly—and you buck your hips forward aching for more.

"Be patient, I want to make sure you're comfortable," Podrick mumbles against your pussy, you can barely hear him but listen anyway as he works you open. A second finger joins soon and he sucks and licks your clit while his fingers move in and out of you, steadily building up a pace.

"Oh Pod, please don't stop, it feels so, so, good," your hand moves down slowly working its way into his hair and holding firmly as he does as you say, not stopping for a second. You can see his torso rhythmically jutting forward, trying to grind himself against something—anything. That brings you so close to the edge thinking of him, just as desperate as you are. A couple more laps of his tongue against your clit and a single groan into your pussy and you're falling over the edge. You pant and squirm as his motions don't let up. "Podrick, Pod, I can't 's too much," He finally pulls away from you, taking his slick-covered fingers and sticking them in his mouth, sucking away your juices. A down-right sultry moan leaves your lips at the sight and you slap your hand to your mouth before falling back against the bed again.

"Was that alright?" he asks, his hair is tousled and he slowly kisses up your body stopping to lick across your nipples, tugging one with his teeth slightly.

"Alright? You're a god Podrick," you pull his face to yours kissing him deeply. "Does it feel that good for you too? Can I make you feel like that?" He chuckles at your eagerness and kisses you again.

"I imagine it would with your mouth, but I want you to feel good tonight," now laying beside you, you see the evident tent in his breeches. You reach your hand down and grip him through his pants, moving up and down against the hard length experimentally.

"Please, Pod? It's only fair," you grin at him and he nods quickly at you, the pleasure too intense for him to just ignore. You shuffle down the furs and untie his breeches, letting your fingers drag down the curls on his lower belly and groin as you do so. You remove his pants quickly, you are just as desperate to taste him as he is to feel you. You move your hand up and down his length, leaning down to suck the drops of him from his tip.

"Gods, fuck, Y/N."

"Tell me what to do," you look up at him, he was so needy and desperate to feel you around his cock, but he'd let you have your fun first.

"Spit on it," and you do just as he says, you let the spit dribble down your chin and fall right on his cock, "now keep going up and down." following his directions you stroke him at a steady pace. "You can use your mouth too," more of a suggestion than direction but you dive right in taking his length in your mouth, doing just what felt right taking him deeper and deeper, and rubbing what you couldn't fit in your mouth. Woah. Now that you had your mouth and hand around him you realized just how large he was, would he fit? Thoughts coursed through your head as you continued your ministrations. So caught up you didn't hear his voice till he pulled your head off of him with the hand that was weaved through your hair. "Stop, stop," you heard the gasps and immediately grew worried.

"Was it not good?"

"It was too good," he huffed, out of breath, "I want to fuck you before I finish." his words brought you to reality a small fear settling deep in your gut. Your expression must've betrayed you because his hand moved to cradle your face. "We-we don't have to, whatever you want to do, I won't make you, my lady," he pecks your cheek and looks you in the eye waiting for a response.

"I-just...do you think you're going to fit?" genuine worry laced in your voice. He tried his best not to giggle at you, this version of you was so different from your normal snarky self.

"I got you nice and ready for me, if it hurts too much you say the word and I'll stop, I promise," how could one man be so utterly perfect? He shuffled out from underneath you and in one swoop you were now beneath him. His shining eyes stare down at you in adoration. His hand moves down to mess with your pussy again, moving your slick all around to make sure you were nice and wet for him, all the while keeping eye contact and watching your face contort in pleasure. “you want me to fuck you?” his voice was laced with lust but also a genuine concern for you. You nod vigorously, not being able to wait another second. His hand drifted away from your cunt causing a whine to leave your mouth. Taking his cock in his hand he pumps it a few times before taking the head and rubbing it all through your slick.

“Please, please,” you moan out reaching for his shoulders to pull him into you, your nails desperately scraping down his back.

“Please what?” his voice was teasing and you could tell this was his way of taking back every time he had been teased, flipping it around to make you a frustrated, whiny mess under him.

“Ugh, please Podrick, I want you to fuck me! I want to feel you inside of me, please,” you’d never been so desperate for anything in your life.

“‘Course love, whatever you want, I’m gonna go slow, ‘right?” you silently thank him for his consideration, he knew you were nervous, but you knew he would take care of you, just as he always did. The stretch was magnificent. He slid into you, taking his time and watching your reactions. A small wince at the dull pain that made you feel so achingly full, and an open-mouthed look of pure pleasure as he fully sheathed himself inside of you. “this good?” he asked, you could tell he was trying his hardest to hold himself back for your sake.

“‘S good Pod, please keep going,” your hands were still in his back practically digging your claws into him. Then he pulled out and pushed back inside in one motion, a loud moan left your lips as he groaned out a curse. You were squeezing him so nicely. His pace slowly formed as he kept moving in and out, his forehead falling against yours and your hot breaths mingling together as you panted and moaned. He rutted into you as he held you close, closer than anything you’d felt, you were one.

“That’s it, love,” this new name had you keening your head back. “knew you could take it, take me.” his words were barely coherent and he kept thrusting into you. You felt so full, so good, it was everything you could've hoped for.

"Love you, love you so much," your words made him groan out a "fuck" and he picked up his pace, fucking into you like a madman.

"Love you so much, you're—oh gods, fuck—doing so, so well," you could feel the sweat dripping down his back from where you held and you knew he was holding himself back as best as he could. Podrick was a sweet man, probably the kindest you'd ever met, but what you felt now wasn't kindness, it was desperation, fierce desperation to fuck you and fuck you good and hard. You knew men got like this, so eager for sex, you'd heard the stories about how violent they could get, but you'd never thought about Podrick having the same needs. He wouldn't escalate to violence, not ever, but you could feel the hunger in his thrusts as he gripped your hips tightly. The warmth from before started growing in your belly again, winding up and ready to break; and it got even more intense when he moved a hand from your hip back closer to your center, putting his calloused thumb right on your aching bud and rubbing it in circles. Your needy whines grew more desperate and your nails dug harder into his back—undoubtedly leaving marks. "Feel good?" he asked yet again, constantly making sure everywhere he touched you brought intense pleasure. You nod against his shoulder and move your legs to wrap around him. "There you go, m' getting close love," he grunted out, his thrusts growing sloppier. You cry out as the intense feeling washes over you again and he continues rubbing your clit to work you through it. As soon as it's finished he pulls out of you quickly, spilling himself all over your stomach and tugging on his cock as his spend continues to leak out of him before grunting once more and flopping next to you. Both of you pant hard, trying to recover from the intense feelings. His seed pooled on your stomach stickily and you reached a hand to run your fingers through it before moving them to your mouth and sucking his flavor off of them. You wouldn't lie and say it tasted good, but it was his essence and that alone aroused you again. He looked over at you and smiled cheekily before kissing your forehead.

"Could you, uhm..." you say nodding downwards to where his seed lay cooling on you.

"Oh-oh, 'course, sorry," He jumped up from the bed, the shy Pod returning with a rag and cleaning you off. His face was red, all of a sudden nervous as he realized what you two had just done. "That was good, right? I didn't hurt you or anything?" he rubbed the back of his neck with one hand as he used the other to stroke up and down your thigh, comforting you.

"It was amazing," you smile at him, trying to be reassuring before a smirk grows on your face. "Glad I was able to feel that 'magic cock' after all," you poked his ribs.

"Gods, I wish Bronn had never said anything, I wish I had never said anything!" he whined, moving off the bed to put his breeches back on, turning his face away from you.

"Come on Pod! I'm just teasing, you know I love it," you sit up and cover yourself with the furs, your body growing cold again as your sweat dries. "Come lay with me please," you beg, "just be with me." He turns his head back to you his brows curving down in adoration, your braids became messy and your lips were flushed pink from all the kissing. You'd never have any idea of how much he truly did love you. He walked back to the bed and rolled under the furs, pulling you into him and holding you tight.

"Sleep. You should be warm enough now, my lady," you giggled as you nuzzled your head into his neck and fell into a dreamless sleep.

When you woke the next morning Podrick was gone. Your heart dropped as you thought of countless reasons as to why he would leave. Was he done with you now? Was he ashamed of you? You got dressed quickly and tried your best to fix the mess your hair was without undoing the braids you had from yesterday. You opened the door slowly, looking both ways making sure no one would see you leaving Pod's chambers. You made your way to the hall for breakfast, still seeing no sign of Podrick. You sat beside Sansa with your bowl of oats and pushed it around with your spoon.

"You, uh—you haven't seen Podrick have you?" you asked her quietly, still worried he had just up and left.

"Don't worry, I saw him walking with Brienne to go train," she gave you a cheeky smile. "he had quite the smile on his face too." you blush at the thought of seeing him so happy because of you. You hurry to finish your breakfast so you can make your way out to see him.

You stood on the upper level, looking down on the yard where Podrick was sparring against a new member of the Night's Watch, Brienne watched from afar, occasionally shouting directions out to Podrick. Even though his skills were improving he still had a long way to go to match Brienne's level, that being said you had never seen him win a match against her. But sparring against this boy, someone more his size and skill level, he was doing amazing. He'd knocked the sword out of the boy's hand and walked closer to him, pointing his sword directly at his chest and smirking at him. Wow. You really must've given him the stroke of confidence that he needed. A steady smile sat on your face and you looked around only to see Brienne already staring at you. Her gaze was hard and your smile fell, she moved her head in one short movement to signal you to come down to the lower level. You walked towards her gradually, slightly worried about what she might want to speak to you about. As you reach her side, Podrick begins another round against the boy, catching your eye and giving a sweet smile (for luck he would tell himself, but really it just distracted him).

"Podrick seems happy this morning," Brienne states, eyeing you sideways.

"Suppose he does yes," you feign innocently.

"You weren't in your room this morning," your face falls and a blush grows rapidly on your face.

"I-I was in the kitchens.."

"Oh don't play coy, I know very well what happened," she looks you in the eye, very clearly feeding off your nervousness. "Just be careful, and don't let your father know or he'd have me chop off his 'magic cock' just like he said before we left. And as much as I'd like to do just that sometimes..." she trails off and looks back to Pod fighting before smiling softly at you, "he really makes you happy?"

"Yes, he really does," you turn to watch the man you love continue his fight before disarming the other lad again and putting the sword to his throat. Seven hells, he grew more and more handsome by the day. You could see his stubble shining in the winter sun as he looked to smile proudly at you and his eye glowed with joy. Yes, he made you very, very, happy.

[themonotonysyndrome]

Ě̸̡̞̱̘̹̮̫͚̯͍͕̟̪͂̀̋̉̾͛̂̑̅͜͝c̴̢̺̟̣̠̤̽͋͒̄̄͂̆̿͗̑̊̒̒̕ḧ̷͇͍͉͉̺͈͙́̀͆̀̒̒̅̒͒̔̽ó̶͔̜̓͛̓̂̔̆͌́͆̉͂͘͝͠es of regrets

So! I saw this post from @rivyx (if you like, I can untag you. Just wanna give credit where credit is due):

And I thought:

"Man. It's been a while since I broke my own heart. Oh! Angst between Geordi and Cutie? How about I make Geordi regret for making Cutie believe that they need to multiate and hide the magical part of themselves and even the Empowered world because he doesn't understand a Telepath's needs?"

Hence. This oneshot. Shout out to @moonandstarlightsposts for helping me come up with the title!

(Yes. Yes. I know. Cutie was canonically at fault, too. I just wanna focus on Geordi regretting his actions for a change.)

-

Summary: Second chances come and go. But for Geordi and Cutie, perhaps they should have let it go by.

First comes the awkwardness. 

It’s to be expected. A break was decided - no, needed - for the both of them after… well. No point in digging up bad memories. The two of them were heading down a dangerous spiral, and Geordi could no longer ignore the red flags. He’d been through too much to drown in toxicity and abuse again. Whether his partner realised it or not. And that’s the part that crushed his heart. A heart that Geordi painstakingly put back together with liquid gold and long nights of tearful frustrations. He told them about Ben. He told them how his ex callously disregarded his boundaries. And Cutie just - 

Therapy was something they agreed to during their break. Geordi needed to address old trauma that re-open like wounds and Cutie - 

‘I… I hope this isn’t me coming across as presumptuous, but one of my coworkers is a really good therapist. I think you’ll like him! His name is Cam - ’

‘I still have my old therapist’s number. Um. Thanks, though.’

‘O-Oh! Right. Of course. I should’ve thought of that. I just… never mind.’

That was the last text that Cutie sent. Even after they moved out of his apartment, the two continued to exchange careful messages with one another, awkwardly making sure not to step on each other’s landmines. However, as days gone by, the texts became more and more superficial: ’Morning. Have you eaten?’. ‘Just cereal. Thanks for checking up on me.’ ‘The weather forecast mentioned a thunderstorm. Don’t forget an umbrella, ok?’. When Cutie brought the subject of therapists to the table - 

The texts stopped after that. 

Geordi had no idea how lonely his existence truly was without Ben and Cutie. The two-bedroom apartment became too big. He cooked too much for a single person. His left side felt too exposed whenever his coworkers dragged him out for drinks and karaoke. It hurts. He has a habit of rubbing his left arm nowadays. 

His therapist is a kind woman, the kind that has laugh lines all over her face. Older than him, more at ease with her place in the world, unlike Geordi. She never judges him whenever he finds the courage to unravel before her. Ugly, jagged broken pieces for a heart. Gold and bitter tears for the next few months. 

Soon, a year passes. 

Something settled within Geordi then. New foundations were built. The world is a little less lonely now that he has opened up to his coworkers, reached out to some cousins on phones and slowly put himself out there again. He had fallen in love with building LEGOs recently. A hobby that happily kept him occupied while a slow, reverb version of Evil by Melanie Martinez plays in the background of the living room. 

It took a while, but he finally reached a point and mental headspace to put Cutie back into the equation. 

His therapist's words constantly echo in his head, grounding him whenever his fingertips run on the rim of their favourite mug, red with little ladybugs on the ceramic. Witty, funny, confident, mischievous and kind - Cutie’s best would always outshine their worst in Geordi’s eyes. Perhaps that’s why he subconsciously ignores the raising red flags the more and more they tested his boundaries. Anyway, being with Cutie brought out the best of Geordi in return, which he never even knew existed. He loved them, plain and simple. He loves learning about them and their world every day of the week. He was so happy and content whenever they were in his arms. Growing old together was something he thought about when they drove back home from his folks’. Cutie was fast asleep, with their head gently resting against the window of the car. That moment was magical in its own way. 

Geordi misses them. His incredible, one-of-a-kind partner. 

He thinks about them more often than not nowadays, wondering how therapy is going for them. Had they fallen in love with any new hobbies? Did Cutie make any new friends outside of the Department? If so, he wonders what they’re like. 

Thoughts turn to yearning. Yearning turns to Geordi, picking up his phone and texting Cutie first for once.

‘Hey. Good morning. How are you?’

The two of them never used to be awkward when they were a couple. Feeling hopeful, Geordi puts aside his phone as he continues about his day. Fixing himself a hearty lunch using a recipe that he can’t wait to share with Cutie and goes about doing the laundry afterwards. It’s only after his evening shower that a notification lights up on his phone screen. 

‘Hey. I’m alright. You?’

Superficial. That’s OK, though. Geordi is not giving up. 

The two resume texting every day soon enough as if the distance weren’t ever there. It makes him happy to be updated with every little thing that is going on in Cutie’s life. He spams GIFs and emojis at every picture they share and they, in return, slowly start to send over recorded audio of their little laughter and quips. It makes him miss them all the more. Enough to replay those audios over and over again whenever he can’t sleep at night. During those nights, his phone would always be on the right side of the bed.

Texting eventually evolves to calling when Geordi wakes up from a rather bad nightmare. Something so vague that it slipped from the recess of his conscious as he panted for air. Without even thinking about it, he presses on a familiar number. His call is answered almost immediately. 

“Geordi? Why are you awake around this hour?”

Relief floods into his very being. They once fondly tease him that, no, their voice isn’t magic. Unlike Vampires and their special eyes, Telepaths specialised in minds instead. It’s his love that makes their voice special and it’s love that dispels the lingering nightmare. 

“Geordi?” Cutie’s voice is hesitant at the end of the line. “Is everything ok? Do you have someone nearby that you can call for help?” 

“No! No, no. I’m fine.” Comes his quick assurance. The shirt that he brought to sleep is drenched in sweat. His hair is matted to his forehead. He feels gross, and yet he doesn’t want to put Cutie on loudspeaker while he cleans himself up. “I just… really miss you. So much.” 

Cutie’s reply is a whisper, “I-I miss you too. Can I ask if that’s the reason why you called me?” 

“Yeah… had a nightmare; can’t remember what it was about. What I do remember is how you used to bring me to the kitchen, and you’d make warm chocolate milk for the both of us to help. You’d then talked me through it, helped me calm me down. Did I ever thank you for that? Thank you, by the way.” 

“You’re welcome. I like taking care of you. And, uh, you did thank me. Always.” 

Geordi lets out a ragged sigh. Those happy moments were just what he needed. “Did I wake you up? I didn’t mean to.” 

“Nah, you’re good. I was doing some leftover documents for an assignment.” 

Cutie never used to stay up past midnight. They like to sleep early whenever they can due to how mentally, emotionally, and physically taxing their job as an intel extraction officer can be. Cutie often rants about how the Department inefficiently run things, especially when it comes to bureaucracy. Perhaps this is one of their new habits? Speaking of which - 

“How’s work treating you? Did you get that promotion?” 

“Work’s alright. Are you feeling better now?” 

Well, his heart was no longer racing, that’s for sure. But he still wants to hear their voice even through the static. “Like magic. You’re always the perfect cure for everything.” He waits for Cutie to laugh in that out-of-breath sort whenever he compliments them. Light and carefree.

Instead, they hum. 

“Glad to hear it. Are you going to try and go back to sleep?” 

“Only when you are, Cutie.” Geordi tries to flirt and perhaps coax them to rest for the evening. 

“Don’t worry about me. I’ll go to bed in a bit. Um. If that’s all - ”

Perhaps it’s because the nightmare that he can no longer recall had something to do with Cutie. Perhaps it’s because he hasn’t heard their voice properly in so, so long. Whatever it is, it gave Geordi a burst of courage. He quickly asks before Cutie can hang up, “Wait, wait! Can I see you, Cutie? I just want to talk. Please?” He swallowed thickly. “I think we’re ready to discuss about… us.” 

A thoughtful silence from Cutie. 

“I’d like that. Where do you want to meet up?” 

Geordi’s night becomes much sweeter after that. They talk and plan until his eyes grow heavy and Cutie’s documents are filed away. They even put him on loudspeaker and brought him to the bathroom so they could continue talking while they showered. God, the sounds of running water alone fill him with wants and images. He can’t stop picturing himself in that shower with them. So you can’t blame how incredibly giddy Geordi is when he finally sees Cutie walk up to the cafe the next day. They offered him a small smile as they made themselves comfortable across the table. Healthy and rocking a new fashion style when Geordi is busy absorbing every little detail about them. He could honestly stare at them like a work of art in the Louvre. 

“So I’m here…” Cutie says rather unnecessarily. They scratch their cheek nervously. “You wanted to talk?” 

He snaps out of a daze. Shit, he got distracted by his thoughts! For a split second, Geordi can’t help but wonder if they heard his inner ramblings. Judging by Cutie’s guarded expression, he lets out a sigh of relief. It sets his heart at ease to learn about this new side of Cutie. “Yeah. Thanks for agreeing to meet up with me. You look… god, Cutie. You look amazing.” 

“Thanks! You’re not too bad on the eye yourself.” Cutie’s smile is wider now. “We’ve practically caught up to speed with each other lives for a while now. So, this is it. Whatever you decide, I’ll respect it this time. I promise.” 

That assurance dissolves any doubts that Geordi might have harboured. He’s more sure about his next few words than ever before. “I still want us to be together, Cutie. That never changed. Even when we were on a break, I had no one else. I love you, even when you broke my heart. Do you… do you still feel the same?” 

Cutie reaches out to hold his hand, which is gripping a fork so tightly. He didn’t even realise it. The moment when skin meets skin, a familiar warmth spread across his arm. It’s like sunshine thawing out the chills in his bone marrow. He lets go of the fork in favour of holding their hand and squeezes it. “My feelings haven’t changed too. I love you so damn much, Geordi. I know I said it before, but I’m so sorry for hurting you. Words alone aren’t enough to promise you that I won’t do it again, but I’ll make sure my actions make up for it. From now on, you’ll lead where this relationship is going. I’ll follow” Steely determination glimmers behind Cutie’s eyes. God, they look so hot! Would his therapist finally judge him if he asked Cutie to drag him to the bathroom for a quickie? It’s been too long since they’re in him. 

“Geordi? Are you ok? You look flush.” Some of that hesitation creeps back into Cutie. Dimming that spark of fire. He panics when their hand tugs back. 

“Yeah! Sorry. My head’s a bit of a mess.” He begins to explain. Here, he lowered his voice; his eyes lidded. “Maybe you can make sense of it? You might like what you find, Cutie…” 

“Oh!” For some reason, Cutie looks positively alarmed. A deer in a headlight. He had never seen that kind of look on their face before. Their sudden reaction threw Geordi off guard. Any lustful thoughts are completely replaced with concern now. “Maybe later. So, uh, where do we go from here? I can’t move back in just yet due to my apartment lease. Or do you want things to stay as they are right now for a little while longer?” 

Continue this distance between them? Geordi doesn’t think he’s that strong of a man.

“Feel free to move in any time you can. My place is your home. You know that.” 

That gorgeous smile slowly returns. This is Cutie at their best. After that day, things begin falling into place without a hitch. Cutie is back in his life. They bring their clothes and toiletries over when their lease is up - 

“You kept my mug?” 

“Of course I did, silly. Why would I throw it out?” 

“Right… right. Sorry.” 

“Cutie? Is something wrong?” 

“Nah, don’t worry about it. Say, that recipe you bookmarked earlier, why don’t you let me take a crack at it? I’ll handle dinner tonight!” 

- their routines fall into one once more, and Geordi couldn’t be happier. His world is no longer filled with silence and bitterness.

Second comes the realisation. 

Geordi has been riding high on cloud nine ever since Cutie settled back into his apartment, into his life. Waking up to their sleeping face feels like a dream that he never wants to end. Their giggling when he rouses them with kisses is a bonus. He loves greeting the morning sun with a partner who is happy and satiated from the night before. And if Cutie is in the mood to play? Well! He’s more than happy to ruin the sheets for the third time in the span of six hours. 

And don’t even get him started on domestic bliss. 

Since Cutie’s work hours are a lot more flexible than Geordi’s, he’s forever grateful that they always have a pot of hot coffee ready for him on the table and a sweet kiss before he dashes out for the day. If he returns before traffic picks up in the evening, the couple would either go out for a dinner date or stay at home and binge-watch a new series while they eat in the living room. They alternate in cooking and cleaning depending on their schedule, but Cutie seems to have a habit of doing both whenever they can. The coworkers that he invited over for DnD sessions would whistle and nudge him on the shoulder when they looked around the spotless apartment, praising him for scoring the perfect partner after Cutie left them with a tray of snacks and drinks. Internally, Geordi preens. 

When the weekends roll around, and it’s just the two of them lazying together in their sweats and old t-shirts, Geordi and Cutie would spend time together by combining their new hobbies. Geordi would lose himself in another LEGO building project while Cutie reads a novel on their phone on the couch. His favourite playlists play on and on, wrapping the couple in a peaceful cocoon. 

That is until - 

Geordi blinks, back in the present, when he suddenly hears the sliding door of the balcony softly shut. He sees Cutie outside talking on the phone, their back against him. He watches them moving their free hand animatedly for a few seconds longer before focusing back on the tower that he had been building. When the sliding door shuts again, he absentmindedly asks, “Hey, Cutie? What are you in the mood for lunch? Do you want to go to that Chinese restaurant down the street or…” His words trail off the moment he notices the frustrated lines on his partner's forehead. Their eyes were exhausted all of a sudden. Before he could say anything, his partner flashed an apologetic smile. 

“Work called. Something came up. I need to step out in a bit, but I should have some time to make lunch - ”

Geordi stops them right there and then. He doesn’t want them to get more stressed out, especially when an emergency - he assumed - just happened. “No, no. Don’t sweat it. How about you go get ready while I make us lunch? I’d rather you have something in your stomach before you leave.” He replies, already up on his feet. 

Deer in a headlight on Cutie. Again. What’s going on? “I can do it. It’s your rest day after all - ”

“Nu-uh. You just get your pretty ass in the shower, alright? I’ll have your favourites ready as soon as you step out of our bedroom door again.” Geordi assures them, but in reality? He’s so confused. They never so stressed out about cooking before. Seriously, what’s going on? 

Cutie eventually nods. They kiss him on the cheek and make a beeline for the bathroom while Geordi takes out a wok and spatula. Their strange behaviour remains in his mind as he makes spicy stir-fry noodles. Now that he thinks about it, they’ve been going along with everything he likes nowadays. Cooking his favourite meals, making sure the laundry is clean and folded, helping him with the LEGOs, hanging out with his friends and letting him initiate intimacy and sex every time. They laugh when he tells jokes, as cheesy as they are. Apart from their clothes and toiletries, they haven’t brought back their Digimon plushies, or any of their physical books on the shelves. They hate horror movies, but when he absentmindedly suggests they watch Saint Maud, they agree without any hesitation. 

It’s like they’re a satellite, faithfully orbiting Geordi’s every need and want. Why… why did he never notice that before? And when was the last time they went out to Cutie’s favourite restaurant again? When was the last time they did what Cutie wanted for a change? 

Ah. Geordi remembers now. It was before they went on a break. 

Something’s wrong with Cutie. Shit! Why didn’t he notice it before!? Was he truly caught up in his own world that he utterly neglected his partner’s? 

The noodles are hot and plated, ready on the table, but Geordi feels so cold and empty. Guilt was heavy in his stomach. His grin is stiff when Cutie finally emerges wearing their standard work fit. Even in black slacks and a white collared shirt, Cutie looks like a model ready for the runway. They tuck into their meal, but Geordi doesn’t have much appetite for it. So many thoughts clash with one another in his head like angry hornets. He doesn’t even know where to start or what to ask. At times like this, Cutie would slip into his mind and act as his anchor. But ever since they got back together again - 

“What time would you be coming home?” Is what comes out from Geordi’s lips, frustrated with himself. 

Cutie stops washing their dishes to turn around. “If all goes well? In the evening. Probably before midnight, so you don’t have to wait up or put aside dinner for me. I can just grab something when I leave the office.” 

And that’s another thing that Geordi just now realised. They don’t talk about work as much as they did before. When asked, sure, Cutie would always answer him, but it was never more than a, “Oh, my cases? Some old, same old.”, “These documents are pretty boring, actually. Something for the higher-ups to keep in their record.”, “The therapist I mentioned before? Oh, you mean Cam? He’s still working on the floor above mine.” Lukewarm. Tepid. Those are the kinds of replies that Cutie would often give him before the conversation seamlessly shifts to another topic. 

Not once have they performed magic around him. In fact, ever since they got back together again, Cutie’s voice is constantly absent in his mind. 

Suddenly, Geordi feels sick. He forces himself to put on a brave face, a mask that tells his partner that everything is alright, because their eyebrows begin to furrow in hesitation. 

And now he knows why. 

“Call me when you leave?” Geordi tries not to plead. His voice didn’t crack, that good. The last thing he wants is to get the love of his life in trouble with their superiors. They never did tell him if they received that promotion or not. 

It’s a bittersweet victory when Cutie smiles again. “Sure! Have fun with your project, baby.” 

They exchange a long kiss; he wonders if they find it weird that Geordi is reluctant to pull their lips away from him. He weeps and weeps into his hands when they leave the apartment. What has he done? Oh god, Cutie… he didn’t mean to. He didn’t mean to drive them into cutting a part of themselves in order to make him happy. He didn’t mean to be so blinded when they made themselves smaller and smaller if that’s what they thought would make him happy. Would let them stay in his life. 

He didn’t mean to hurt Cutie. He didn’t mean for any of this to happen! He thought that - he had hoped they got better, not - why couldn’t they just talk - has he become Ben? 

Mrs Potato Head plays on and on while Geordi struggles to breathe. 

Finally, in comes the heartbreak. 

Geordi didn’t even wait for Cutie to come back. The moment he regained control of himself, he ran out with his phone and wallet. His eyes are rimmed-red, just like the setting sun behind him. He knows which streets are veiled against people like him; he just hopes he can ask for help from any Empowered folks who might be entering the Department. He has to fix this. He desperately needs to talk to Cutie. He needs them to know that he loves every part of them, that he loves the magical world as much as they do. 

However, when he cuts through the park, he freezes. 

Sitting on a bench a little further from the playground is his partner, crying in the arms of a stranger. Cracks begin to form in Geordi’s heart. He’s too far away to hear what they’re saying, but judging from how the stranger does the talking and Cutie sighs and sniffles, it clued him in pretty quickly that they’re talking through him via telepathy. The stranger smiles sadly and offers them a handkerchief. His body language is serene, but the expression on his beautiful face is tight and worried. Is he a coworker? Another lover? Geordi doesn’t know what to believe anymore. Stricken, he watches them pat the stranger’s hand and gathers up their things. Leaving him on the bench as Cutie makes their way out of the park. 

It’s at that moment that Geordi’s phone rings. He answers the call without a word. 

“Hey, baby. Just left the office.” Cutie’s voice is hoarse. They clear their throat. This time, they sound more like themselves again - fake and bright. “Turns out one of the interns needed a stand-in instructor for tomorrow’s fieldwork. Since I’m on the way home, do you want me to grab anything?” 

Geordi watches them wait at the same bus stop from which he just got off. “Why haven’t you talked to me through my head?” 

“…Geordi, I’m out right now. Can we maybe talk about this at home?” 

“OK. Why have you stopped ironing your work clothes with your hands?” 

“I-I like using your new iron instead. What’s going on, Geordi? Did I do something wrong? Look, tell me how I can fix it, please? I don’t… I don’t know what I did wrong…” 

Is this how it will always be when they’re together? Hurting each other whether they mean to or not? Acts of love turning into subservience? 

The weaker side of him can’t help but wonder if it was a mistake for him and Cutie to get back together again if it means new sorrows and new regrets will always sour their relationship. 

[simpforchuchu]

Hello! How are you? Can I please get some HCs for Nakagoshi meeting the reader when she's a volunteer nurse at the hospital he's at after the Three School Alliance attack, they start getting close and one day a man takes her hostage at the hospital and he lets her call one person, she tells Nakagoshi that she loves him and if things go bad, then please live a good life. She's fine but he's thinking the worst thing possible. Thanks, and as always if you're not comfortable, just tell me so!

One Last Chance | Nakagoshi x Nurse!reader

a/n: Hello, I’m struggling about writing too much these days but here it is🫡 It was really sad to write but i loved the idea 😭 I hope you like it 🌸💕

Sorry for the grammer or spelling mistakes.English is not my main language so...

Thank you and love you 🥰

Warnings: blood, gunshots, mostly angst

* The young girl did not know that that day, a young patient who came to the emergency service would change her life. She had seen many cases in this hospital where she worked as a volunteer nurse. But one of them had changed her completely.

* The patient, whom a young boy with blond dreadlocks was running after crying, was a young high school student like him.

* He had bleeding and brain trauma as a result of the damage to his head. And it looked serious.

* While the doctors were taking him in to check him, the young girl looked at his friend crying outside. The boy crying on the ground hurt her heart too.

* She filled a glass of water from the water dispenser on the side and handed it to the crying child. Although he was a little surprised, after a while she learned that the name of the boy who accepted the water and thanked her was Nakaoka and his friend's name was Nakagoshi.

* After some time, she witnessed the happiness in the young boy's eyes when the doctors said that there was no problem but that he would have to stay in the hospital for a while.

* According to his junior, he was injured to save his life. What a beautiful soul at this young age, the young girl thought.

* She continued her checks and care throughout the night. She was upset when she heard the other nurses talking about this kid as a delinquent. Yes, he looked like one, but she still thought he was a gentle soul.

* y/n took care of him while he was in the hospital. He was quiet, calm, gentle, but she could see the determination and maturity of an adult in his eyes.

* His bandaged hair looked pretty cute and even he smiled when he looked in the mirror.

* When his family saw that he was okay - after a long scolding - they left. Since she didn't want him to be alone, she would often visit his room and play card games with him.

* And she was sure that he was not the delinquent he seemed, but a very sweet person.

* Y/n was a young girl around the same age as him. Being friends wasn't that hard. But Nakagoshi was already starting to like her.

* He began to visit her frequently even after he was discharged. He brought her lunch, wanted to go out with her on her days off

* Ooki Nakagoshi felt like he had found his first true love.

* But he never had the courage to tell her.

* One day, when he came to the hospital to bring her lunch as usual, he saw police and a crowd in front of the building. When he asked with fear what was going on, he thought his heart stopped when he heard that some criminals had taken a nurse hostage.

* How long had she been inside? Or was she inside?

* He called. Nobody answered it. He called again. But there was no answer.

* When y/n called him back a few minutes later, he thought she was safe, smiled and picked up the phone.

* But he froze at the sound of her trembling voice.

* “Ooki, listen to me carefully. Please don't interrupt me, okay? They gave me a chance to say goodbye to someone..."

* Nakagoshi swallowed, no words came out of his mouth

* “I always wanted to tell you this, but it wasn't easy.. I love you. I really love you. You are my first love…. I told you, didn't I?” The young girl giggled. But Nakagoshi knew she was crying. “If things go bad, please. Please don't blame yourself. Live a good life. Love someone, marry and have kids. I will be watching you smiling.”

* A sob escaped Nakagoshi's lips. He had had many opportunities to tell her that he loved her. But he was a coward.

* Then a gunshot was heard. Nakagoshi dropped the phone in his hand to the ground. At that moment, without thinking, he passed through the crowd and ran inside.

* Even though the police inside wanted to stop him, they couldn't. He ran upstairs and saw someone covered in blood on the floor. And that a police officer was holding a young girl.

* He stared at her for a few seconds in shock. When Y/n turned her head and saw the young boy staring at her, she could no longer hold back the sobs she had been holding back for a while.

* When she started sobbing, Nakagoshi ran over and hugged her. He hugged her so tightly that y/n thought her bones would break.

* "I love you. I love you more than everything. I'm sorry I couldn't tell you this before. I love you so much."

* The young girl knew that the owner of the arms hugging her tightly was also crying. But they both didn't care. This was a new chance for them...

HnL taglist : @straysugzhpe @tiddly-winx @ninamarie1994 @thatpoindexterpixy @koala-yuna @star2fishmeg

[dailypositivequotes]

personal and long life update

I feel comfortable to say this now. This is going to start sad but get better.

TW: miscarriage

Two years ago was the worst summer of my life. I was excited and happy as school ended because my spouse and I found out we were expecting a child right before the end of the year. We initially didn't tell anyone, was going to wait. But then I started to have issues and I talked to my mom about it and my fears that something was wrong. My mom ended up letting me know she was having health issues and they found a mass. And on the same day my mom was diagnosed with cancer I miscarried. I will never forget crying and telling her on the phone and her sighing sadly and saying she had hoped one of us would have good news. I was traumatized. I felt betrayed by my body. I felt betrayed by the universe. I felt like a failure. I felt like it was my fault while knowing it wasn't. I lost a lot of faith in things. I was angry and grieving. I was terrified I was going to lose my mom like I lost my child. And then one of my siblings was in a major car accident (they're fine now but it was really scary and I thought I'd lose them too) and our beloved bearded dragon died. Loss was all around me. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't even say the word miscarriage for a whole year. Therapy was extensive on it among other traumas. And one thing that also sticks out from that summer is "Running Up that Hill" was popular cause Stranger things aired its new season. I broke down any time that song came down because of the line "I'd make a deal with God and I'd get him to swap our places" made me thing about my mom and my lost child. I told family members. We previously were having pressure from family members on children and the LAST thing I needed was someone asking me for the millionth time when I was going to have kids. Fortunately family was understanding and backed off on the topic. My one sister was pregnant at the time too and we bonded over the fact this was her rainbow child, something she had not shared with any family member and I was able to go to her for support that other family couldn't provide as they never experienced this. Another thing from that summer is disassociating because I love my sister, I was excited for her and her baby, but the topic was very raw for me. I know I attended her baby shower but all of it was blur. And the final thing from that summer / year was I was also obsessed with trying again and "getting it right this time" because I didn't want to face reality or the grief I was having, and honestly...every failed month was also extremely triggering (for reasons I hope are obvious enough for me not to say) so I'd spiral again. It's taken a lot for me to be where I am now.

Since that summer, we got a second dog. Trained our first dog so she is officially a therapy dog. We both were in therapy - individual and couples. We strengthened our marriage. My mom beat chemo and radiation. Currently, she does not have cancer. Discovered I have a medical anomaly, and learned it doesn't stop me from successfully having kids but I could have a trickier time getting there as there were other complications it brought into my life. (Which honestly discovering this, and that it was something I was born with, answered SO MANY questions). We worked out together and made healthy meals together. We stopped obsessively TTC and just focused on us, loving our life as is, and healing. We discussed in January of this year about seeing a specialist and possibly starting fertility treatments in the summer if we felt we were in a good enough place for that. It was a very good, chill and no pressure conservation. In Feb. was the anniversary of would have been due date and therapy, coping skills from therapy, and planned activities helped a lot of with my mental health that day. And then in March, after my dogs were acting weird about me and I was feeling off as well, I discovered I am pregnant. Sure some anxiety immediately spiked but I am doing okay. I think if this would have happened sooner I'd have not been okay mentally due to the anxiety of the past repeating, but I've worked on a lot of trauma from that awful summer and I decided I would celebrate every second of this and if its a shorter journey than I hoped, so be it. I did have an emergency session in therapy during the week of pregnancy that was the one I miscarried at previously since I couldn't quite shake the nerves then. However, this time and last are night and day. All tests and appointments have come back healthy. Symptoms are what they should be. Everything is looking good and I am thankful. I am filled with gratitude. I have a good feeling. My family and my spouse's family are excited, who we told in April as I learned I'd rather lean on people for support if I needed it than grieve or celebrate in silence. My students and co-workers just before the end of the year realized I was pregnant and both set of people were very excited for me. My students created a lot of cards for me. We are excited. I am halfway through the pregnancy. I have seen him (through ultrasounds). I've heard his heartbeat, and am so thankful that it is so strong. And I've felt him kick just now. I am at peace.

[heymickyursofine]

Snap Out of It. James “Mac” Mackreides X Fem!Reader

Summary: 5 years after the Megalodon attacks, you still haven't moved on.

Warnings: Sadness, mention of seeing dead people/deaths, mention of nightmares.

Request: hey!! i was wondering if you could write a mac (from the meg) x reader fic where the reader has ptsd after the attacks of the meg. like the reader gets nightmares and always sees images of the people who died, and how mac helps them cope? i don’t know if that makes sense😭😭 i would really appreciate it if you’d decide to write it!!

Toshi. The Wall. Dr. Heller. Dr. Minway Zhang. The names of your friends who died by way of the Megalodon.

They haunted your dreams in the worst way possible, their deaths replayed almost every night. 

You considered yourself to be the luckiest person alive when they didn’t happen, which wasn’t often. Especially since Jiuming had a pet Megalodon living in close quarters with you, the thoughts of your friends plagued your mind.

You knew the Meg that was living with you wasn’t the one who did harm to your friends, but you couldn’t help but think of them whenever you watched Haiqi. 

Jiuming had a lot of trust in her and it always made you nervous whenever he got in her enclosure, you couldn’t bear to see another friend die. 

On one particular night, you went down to the lounge, where you spent a lot of time with Meiying, and just stared at Haiqi, watching her swim in her enclosure. It became a nightly ritual after that. You had a nightmare, you went to watch Haiqi. 

The same ritual happened tonight, you snuck out of bed, put some slippers on, and quietly walked out of the bedroom to the lounge. You were thankful Mac was such a heavy sleeper, afraid of what he would say if he ever caught you. 

You followed her every move as you stood in front of the window, the moonlight illuminated the water, making her look majestic and also terrifying. You had no idea why Jiuming would ever swim with a dangerous animal like this. 

No matter what bond he says they have, or how domesticated he claims for her to be, she’s a predator and always will be. 

Were you scared of Haiqi? 

A bit, yes. 

She’s a Megalodon, how could you not be? Two Megalodon's were responsible for killing people who you admired, your friends, your family. Although, you felt guilt for having any ill feelings towards Haiqi. 

You were snapped out of your thoughts and trance by a hand clasping on your shoulder. You looked to the your side and saw Mac standing next to you. “You scared me.”

“Sorry, love. What are you doing up?” He asked, tiredly. 

“Couldn’t sleep.” Your vagueness and monotone voice threw him off. “Oh, well, are you alright?” 

You took a few seconds to answer, debating wether to lie or tell the truth. “No.” He probably would’ve known you were lying if you said yes. 

“What’s the matter?” You wrapped your arms around your midsection, trying to comfort yourself. “I can’t stop thinking about them. Seeing them.” 

“Who?” If he hadn’t woke up about 5 minutes ago he could’ve put two and two together. 

“Toshi, The Wall, Heller, Zhang. I have nightmares about them all the time.” 

“Why haven’t you told me?” 

“It’s weird. I don’t know.” 

“Why is that weird?” You hadn’t torn your eyes away from the window until then, “Because it was five years ago. I should’ve gotten over it by now.” 

“You can’t be serious. We saw our friends die. That’s not something you get over easily.” He shook his head. “I wish I could, leave it all in the rearview mirror.” 

“That’s not how trauma works.” 

“I wish it did.” 

“You can talk to me, you know. They were my friends too,” He said softly. “I know, I just don’t know how.” Your attention was brought back to the window. “You can say anything, I’ll always listen to you.” 

You sighed. “I come down here after I have the nightmares and watch Haiqi. Watch her swim around, and I just think of them. I think of how fucking crazy it is that were living with one of the animals that caused the worst moment of my life. I know she wasn’t the one responsible but it doesn’t make me feel any better about her. Everytime Jiuming gets in with her it scares me because I don’t want him to die, he can’t die, he can’t leave Meiying behind. I don’t believe she’s domesticated like he says, I don’t think we can trust her.” 

“Come here.” He opened his arms and you wrapped your arms tightly around him, closing your eyes. “Thank you for telling me that, that couldn’t have been easy.” You were silent for a bit, just enjoying his warmth before you became tired. 

“Can we go back to sleep now?” 

He laughed lightly, “Yeah, let’s go.”

—

Words from Micky - Takes place during Meg 2, hope that's alright with the anon who requested! I think this is better written than the last Mac fic but both ideas have been so good and I was excited to write them both. The next post should be part 2 of Love Potions for Benny Weir.

DEDICATED TO - @whosiris

FOLLOW MY WATTPAD: controversiallyoungf

[stranger-rants]

I actually think Billy and Max’s sibling relationship is one of the most interesting I have seen on TV, because it is a common dynamic among blended families that is rarely represented with any authenticity. I almost ended up with step siblings I did not want when I was a teenager because of the trauma that came with that situation.

I work with mainly refugees now, and blended families are so common. It’s also common for families to come over with children from a previous marriage or from a family member who couldn’t leave the country, and that child becomes the black sheep, unwanted child, and “waste of resources.” I have had several students who fell into this category.

I had two students (siblings) who were kicked out by their aunt who had brought them over with her own husband and children, with the promise to their mother she would take care of them. The two had a younger sibling who got in legal trouble, which prompted this. The oldest dropped out of high school in 11th grade, had to work full time, and get an apartment just to keep them all afloat.

One student ended up living with my coworker until they graduated because their parents did not want them. They had other children to take care of. I had another I tutored frequently whose parents were constantly blaming them for things their younger half sibling did, and they really struggled to graduate. They were very smart, but self medicated with drugs and alcohol a lot.

All of them were older siblings who were expected to be an adult / parent to their siblings and/or step-siblings and/or cousins, literally expected to give up their future while their younger ‘siblings’ succeed. We have a student now whose parent threatened to keep them home to watch their 5+ siblings and not allow them to go to college if they keep getting into fights.

Gee, I wonder why they are getting into fights and failing miserably if they can’t see a future for themselves? 🤔

I had one student who was literally not allowed to go to school until they came to the US. They could not read in 9th grade. They were half related to their siblings. Dad remarried. Worse, they were told their biological mother was dead and the dad and mom treated them like garbage, expecting them to babysit for them all the time. (Bio mom was not dead…)

It’s really interesting, because now I am teaching a lot of the younger siblings of some of these students and there is a noticeable difference in their experiences, mainly the lack of hardship in comparison is really telling. The way their parents buy them whatever they want and do not hand down the same consequences says a lot…

…and these are not bad kids, do not get me wrong, but their success comes at the expense of their older siblings and a lot of them take this for granted. They have their own struggles, yes, but their family also doesn’t treat them like the black sheep. They don’t have to worry about being ‘sacrificed’ for the good of their siblings.

It is so goddamn infuriating to see this pattern repeat, but it is an important story to tell. It’s a very common dynamic that emerges out of traumatic situations, and Billy and Max - while not refugees - have been through very personal traumas. Billy as the older one became the family scapegoat, while also being parentified and adultified when he needed parents to care for him too.

This story could be so much more powerful if they didn’t keep trying to cheapen it by positioning Billy as The Worst Person ever.

[acourtofthought]

omg I'm so tired of this argument that Elain not wanting to do anything with Lucien is the good reason for E/riel to happen or at the very least Elucien won't be endgame. Like Feyre was absolutely comfortable being around Rhysand when he brought her to night court. She avoided him for a week when she was there for the first time. Or how Nesta didn't want to see Cassian and how she rejected seeing him. She literally told him why she didn't wanted to see him and it had something to do with her guilt and trauma. Just like Feyre.

This argument was valid if Elain was mentally fine and didn't have any trauma to deal with. That she's fine being a fae and is having the time of her life being in Night Court. Also if we want to argue that others observations isn't important and solid, it won't help the fact that we weren't in her head for once!! So how do you know what's going on inside her head? "Elain has spoken" spoken what!? She literally been quiet about the mating bond and what you heard and what I heard is completely the opposite lol

I think many of us feel the same.

Nesta's first time meeting Cassian: Nesta shifted her attention to Cassian, noticing that gleam - what it meant. She snarled softly, "What are you looking at?"

Nesta didn't bat an eyelash as she studied the handsome features, the muscled torso. Then she turned to me. Dismissing him entirely.

Elain's first time really meeting Lucien: But Elain blinked slowly. "You were in Hybern."

"Yes." It was all he could say.

"You betrayed us."

He wished she'd shoved him out the window behind her.

Nesta after all but declaring her love for Cassian in the war: He knew about the drinking, about the males. He told himself he didn't care.

Elain after inviting Lucien back to Velaris: With Az - "They exchanged looks, the occasional brush of their fingers." "Offer and permission:

Rhys about Nesta / Cassian: Nesta had made it clear enough she had no interest in Cassian - not even in being in the same room as him.

Az about Lucien / Elain: "She has no interest in him anyway"

Nesta in SF: Nesta had loved Cassian since she'd first laid eyes on him. Had loved him even when she did not want to, even when she had been swallowed by despair and fear and hatred. Had loved him and destroyed herself because she didn't believe she deserved him.

This is where I'll fill in my "Elain in her book" section. Because that's the thing. We have no idea why Elain is acting the way she does, why she pushes Lucien away and it's pretty silly after learning all the reasons Nesta pushed Cassian away to not realize that Elain could be going through her own torrent of emotions and in the end, it's entirely possible she doesn't want Az but used the idea of someone else as an escape, something to prove to herself. Just like Az used the idea of Elain as an escape from his own problems.

And for others saying that Nesta and Cassian's situation was different....of course it was. Nesta wasn't in love with and engaged to someone else when her mating bond snapped. Also, Nesta is a different person. These are some of the things Nesta has said to Feyre:

"At least I don't have to resort to rutting in the hay with Isaac Hale like an animal."

"You're just a half-wild beast"

"YOU dragged me into this mess, this horrible place. YOU are why I am like this, why I am stuck her."

And we know she said much worse to Cassian.

This is the worst thing Elain has said to Feyre: "Everyone keeps saying that." "But it doesn't fix anything, does it?"

Elain and Nesta are different people who have had different experiences and react differently to those experiences so expecting their situations to look identical is a bit strange. But what isn't different is the way they pushed their mated love interest away at the start, began to show signs of softening near the end of ACOWAR, reverted to pushing them away with even greater force in the novella, only for one of those sisters to end up happily mated by the end of her book.

All we know about what Elain wants now is that she wanted to kiss Az. That is the only thing that is canon. We have no idea if she wanted a relationship with him, if she ever thought of a future with him. We have no idea how SHE feels about Lucien, only how others interpret her feelings of him.

People basing the entirety of Elain's personality off the one or two things she's said to her sisters in regards to her "wants" (like "I don't want a mate") (sisters who she's not even that close too considering one only thinks of her as a pleasant companion and one was too wrapped up in being her protector to be her friend) while still dealing with her trauma are really boxing her in before she's even had a POV.

If by the end of the book and her arc Elain still wants Az, then I'll fully support that. But I have to wonder if by the end of her book she wants Lucien, will E/riels support it? If the big argument is "what Elain wants" than I hope they realize that what she wants could change and it already has considering she wanted Graysen all through ACOMAF / ACOWAR and the start of ACOFAS (two books of buildup right there folks) and did not want a fae male. She started coming around to the idea of a fae male at the end of ACOFAS / beginnning of SF and that does mean she could decide she wants her mate when she has her book.

[pynkhues]

"Surviving trauma doesn't make you an expert on other people's trauma" is how I'm paraphrasing your tag. But it's such an important point to me. I feel like not just internet spaces but also societal mental health conversation has been ignoring this for decades. I can talk about this extremely broadly because I think it's one of the problems with 12 step type of addiction treatments. But it's also especially popular in the realm of victims of crime and/or abuse of any kind. Surviving trauma only makes you an expert on your own personal trauma and healing. There is no universal cure for any trauma, everyone needs something different. And treating others requires a level of detachment that rarely exists in amateur survivors of similar trauma. Sorry for preaching about this in your inbox but your tags really reminded me how passionate I am about this. I've experienced people scolding me for abandoning support groups and group therapy types of things when they didn't feel helpful to me because they helped them and "I just didn't give them proper chance".

(x)

Don't apologise, anon! I totally agree, and I'm really sorry that you've had that experience with support groups and group therapies.

I've been thinking about this a lot actually since the Johnny Depp and Amber Heard trial and the horrific treatment of her during all of that, but it's been a pretty big factor in my life these days in general.

Like, look, this is kind of getting a bit in the weeds of my real life right now, but my aunt's very angry at me and my mum at the moment in a way that's been pretty exhausting. (Putting this below a cut because nobody needs to read this, haha)

My aunt is a victim-survivor of some pretty horrific domestic violence. It was many years ago now, and she's done a lot of healing and is in a better place overall, but the situation currently with my sister going through emotional and financial abuse, gaslighting and physical intimidation, with her ex-husband has I think brought up a lot for my aunt, and the result is that she's really trying to dictate the choices that my sister makes as she's going through this.

My aunt has been genuinely so supportive of my sister, but she's also been incredibly judgemental and critical. It's been a really challenging space for their relationship, and, by proxy, my relationship with my aunt, because she calls me (and my mum, who's her sister) up to try and influence my sister's decisions. We're in this current kinda stand-still over it because we're six weeks out from final trial in family court, and my ex-BIL has done something very threatening to my sister, and my aunt wants my sister to get an AVO. We tried to get my sister an AVO last year, and the police told her that until he put her in hospital, they wouldn't give her one. Now my aunt wants my sister to try again, and my sister's lawyers are saying no, because it looks like a play to the judge. They've been in family court for two years, and to try again this close to final trial may be legitimate but to a judge it'll read as a move that could influence her custody of her children.

My sister doesn't want to take that risk, her lawyers don't want to take that risk, and in my opinion, the worst result would be for her to try, have it on the record that she tried, get the same response she did last year that he hasn't put her in the hospital yet, and ergo get no AVO and a bad mark on her heading into court. On top of that - - AVOs don't do shit. They're a piece of paper that maybe bump you up a few spots in the queue when you call the police.

Anyway, my aunt's furious about this and it's become this huge thing where my aunt feels she knows better because she got an AVO, because she's been through this already, because none of us understand what she understands, and I'm like - - it's exhausting, and it's unfair. Their experiences are not the same by any stretch of the imagination, and I hate that a part of me keeps thinking that what happened to my aunt didn't end because of an AVO, it ended because he was a gambling addict and he was killed over an unpaid debt.

My aunt really is trying to do the right thing by my sister, and I love her for that, but there is this disconnect between survivor experiences that can cause an enormous amount of friction and complication, and I think we need to get better in general at acknowledging that.

[another-trans-puppygirl]

I have been out for 4 years and never gave myself the space to express myself properly so i am making it for myself today

(first vent post so apologies for messiness lol)

tw// r*pe, transphobia, parental trauma, not sure what else but idk its heavy for me so just heads up

since i came out my life has changed insurmountably and it has all been terribly overwhelming. ive never really been one to use social media aside from horrifically embarrassing teenage shitposting, so ive just sort of let it all mount up and carried it around. i have a couple of transmasc house mates who i am terribly grateful for and consider them to be family but it has ultimately been terribly lonely not being aroud or talking to other transfems.

i will almost definitely talk about it in more detail on here at some point, but to keep things simple for now, i had very little control over how i came out to my family. it just sort of got revealed to my mum who insisted that my dad and brother (who didn't live with me, messy divorce) would never accept me and otherwise she was very unreactive initially. she feigned support whilst keeping it a secret from everyone in our immediate family but told lots of her friends for about 3 months but had expressed very negative views of trans women before so it felt very false to me. in january 2021 she decided she didnt support my "decision", as well as shouting at me for not telling her i had been r*ped and blamed everything on my dad. i didnt feel safe in her house anymore, so even though it was the middle of a covid-19 lockdown in the uk i had to take all of my belongings with me across almost the whole of england to get myself back to my uni campus. it was easily the worst day of my life and the hardest thing i ever had to do and i havent spoken to her since. i broke my collar bone as a young teenager and carrying all my stuff like that has made it hurt all the time, and i find it so hard not to think about it all whenever the pain is really bad. i was at university for animation, something i had always wanted to do my entire life. i could not bring myself to go to classes for the entire year so i deferred to the next. then i still couldnt bring myself to come in for most of the year. for some reason they didnt kick me out despite my attendance so i tried again the second year, and it went better but i was still really disappointed in myself. in my third year, things got complicated. i started to try really hard and believe i might be getting somewhere. i was the only person in my whole course that was doing traditional animation, my course was advertised as supporting traditional animation but i was not given a tutor so i was totally alone to try and fit my assignments to my limited skillset and resources. i had some ideas for projects i was really passionate about and started to develop and then it happened again and i got overwhelmed and decided i really couldnt do it anymore so i stopped going entirely. during this time i have also wrestled with the fact that i knew deep down that i am a lesbian. recently i have given up fighting it and have accepted that i am a lesbian, i think being on estrogen for one month as of today has played a big part in that, as it has rekindled my emotions and i just cannot fight that feeling anymore. but it has also brought on a terrible loneliness that i think i was suppressing beforehand too, and it has just made me feel incredibly lost. i am really happy somewhere in there about it, but it is overshadowed by a terrible sadness that i have let myself hide away this whole time. it has filled my heart to the brim with love and i feel like i have nowhere to put it and i just want to scream. i have been so scared to say any of this anywhere to anyone for fear of burdening people but i cant keep it inside anymore so i want to shout about it here because i have nowhere else to do it. so if youre reading this i am sorry for taking your time, just know it means the world that anyone even knows any of this and that bending your hypothetical ear will hopefully ease the load even if just for a moment.

[crappy-coffee]

Literally any of the romances. Take your pick, they’re all terrible to some degree. You can even come back to this ask if you wanna do more than one.

They’re all terrible to some degree

I would have to disagree with you on that one to be honest. Like I’ve said before, I believe Pixane is the best one.

Personally I think Jaya is fine. It’s not amazing but it’s good. I’d just change that one moment in the pilot episodes, and rewrite Rebooted and Skybound. After those points I’d even say they’re a good couple.

But the one’s I want to change are Kai and Skylor, Lloyd and Harumi, and Lloyd and Akita.

Kailor

For Kai and Skylor, god just make them get together or don’t. Enough with the wishy washy bullshit and pick something. Make definitive character decisions. I already made a post about how I view Kailor so I’ll just screenshot it here.

Also yeah I’m having open LGBT+ characters because who the fuck is gonna stop me?

Lloykita

There’s so many problems with this ship starting with the fact that I saw Akita as a little child for so long (I looked it up, she isn’t so. Good job Ninjago) bc to me her model looks small. Other actual problems include; It’s boring & predictable, we never see Akita again, and it’s a last second kiss on the cheek.

It kinda sucks because I actually like Akita but if you’ve seen my season 11 rewrite then you know that I’ve gotten rid of her and the never realm completely. So the way I’m fixing it is just throwing it away. Maybe she can appear in my season 10 rewrite but we’ll see. Absolutely no romance with Lloyd though.

Llorumi

So what if I told you that this ship killed my hope in Ninjago’s writing team, because I would tell you that I’m exaggerating for comedy. In reality it just made me sit back and go “Wow. They really did that huh.”

Here’s my hot take, I love Lorumi! I love the idea that Lloyd falls in love with someone who takes advantage of him. I love the idea that Harumi is against the Ninja, and is super manipulative. I love the idea that Lloyd still has feelings for Harumi after the reveal for a little while!

Here’s what I don’t love. Ninjago’s failed attempt to use trauma as a way to make a villain sympathetic. The way Harumi’s plan is so fucking stupid AND that it bring Garmadon back. The fact that Lloyd drags his feet about his feelings for over 5 SEASONS and is STILL in love with her during the most recent one. Even worse that Harumi apparently RETURNS these feelings?? Are you kidding me??

Oh and don’t get me started on the fact that they tried to do a last second redemption arc before fucking KILLING her. You ever notice that the guy villains get more sympathy in character while the 2 main girl villains get the worst treatment. Because I do and it’s SO frustrating. 

How do I fix this? Well first of all I do as I mentioned with Kailor earlier, PICK A SIDE. God please no more back and forth just pick one. Here’s what happens in my rewrite.

Harumi is the quite one, sure, but she’s not in charge. She’s just the lead of communications and is doing an inside job on the ninja. We get the same scene of the harbor and blah blah blah but here’s the thing. The other Sons of Garmadon want to commit mass destruction with the Oni masks, something they keep secret from Harumi. So we do a double twist.

Harumi reveals she’s the quite one and her motives; that nobody is taking accountability for the destruction that the Ninja leave behind. Someone has to pay for all the lives they couldn’t save, and the police force in Ninjago has been slacking off HARD because of the Ninja. 

Later, during a ceremony to give the wearer’s of the masks the full powers of the Oni (Garmadon is NOT being brought back fuck you) when Harumi realizes they aren’t planning on using these powers to help Ninjago like they promised. She tries to fight the other leaders but she gets her mask taken and she’s ditched.

Harumi then goes back to the Ninja to work with them to stop the Sons of Garmadon. When Lloyd asks why they should trust her, she responds “My values are more important then my pride. If you are the same then you will accept my help as I will accept yours. For Ninjago, nothing else.”

I want Harumi to drop the act at this point. She resents the Ninja but knows it’s better to work with them at times. Harumi remains as a minor antagonist throughout the series from this point on. She doesn’t hurt others but still stands against the Ninja. I think it would be refreshing to have another force of good that doesn’t stand with the main characters. Really make them question their morals y’know? Lloyd gets over himself after like 2 seasons and they don’t have feelings or get together anymore ever :]

Tldr; Kailor is free food, Lloykita is dumb, and Llourmi happens but not really.

[brownheadedcowbird]

weird thing happened last night

For those of you who don’t know, I’m a third year vet student. I work in my school’s ICU, and have been in emergency and critical care for about six years now. Vets are a superstitious bunch in general, and I’m not really an exception-- not that I believe in jinxes or anything, but I think that our little rituals and traditions help us make sense of an unpredictable and heartbreaking job.

Emergency and critical care sees a lot of death, and I make a lot of paws: clay, ink, foam, anything. It’s something we do to help the pet’s family remember them. One of my superstitions is that I don’t make memorial paw prints while an animal is still alive. It feels wrong to me, borderline disrespectful to focus on their impending death instead of honoring their last moments with us. But last night, I made an exception.

“Chili” presented to our emergency department for prolonged seizures of unknown origin. A one-year old border collie, she had no history of epilepsy, and owners were unaware of any trauma or exposure to neurotoxins. I got to work right when she arrived, so I was involved in her initial intake. We’d stopped the seizures, but she was hyperthermic and tremoring, her lactate through the roof and her oxygen saturation in the basement. We intubated, and blood began trickling out of the endotracheal tube.

I was assigned to one-on-one care, monitoring vitals and helping doctors with treatment. Coworkers drifted in and out, commenting on the case. We’re used to seeing things like this, but it’s always sobering to see a young dog in such rough shape. We speculated on what could have put her in this condition-- rat bait, heat stroke, blunt trauma-- and we prognosticated, saying it would take a miracle for her to come out of this. “I’ve heard of ‘good things,’” I joked. “Would love to see one happen someday.” A few more jokes were tossed around about how nothing good happens in the ICU. No miracles in vet med, just euthasol and clay paws.

The resident on duty that night brought the owners back after a few hours of care with no improvement. Chili was obtunded, cardiovascularly unstable, and now hypothermic, with no further clues as to why. The owners cried for a while and eventually elected to euthanize. The resident nodded to me, and I went off to get some clay for a paw print.

When I returned with the clay, the owners were gone. Chili was on the table, taking the same fast and shallow breaths as she had been for hours at that point. Her people had decided not to stay for the euthanasia: it made no difference to Chili, in her comatose state, and they couldn’t bear to see their puppy like this. Understandable. The resident told me that they would like to take her paw print home with them. 

I wanted to wait, of course. I don’t like making paw prints while my patients are still alive. But, knowing that the owners were waiting, I nodded and molded the clay into a flat circle. I took Chili’s left front paw and pressed the metacarpal pad into the circle, then digit II. Digit III. Digit IV twitched before I could make an impression in the clay, and then the whole paw was being yanked out of my hand. Her whole leg jerked back. 

I looked up, immediately worried that I’d inflicted some deep pain, stimulating a reflex that only the worst neurologic depression could have suppressed. Instead, I saw two dark eyes looking back at me. Her head was raised. Her tail thumped. I called for the doctor. Chili lurched to her feet, and licked my nose.

I still don’t understand what happened. The resident ran to get the owners, and when they walked in, they saw their dog-- comatose just minutes before, seconds from lethal injection-- standing on the table like nothing had happened. I think we all cried a little, but nobody more than Chili’s mom.

I texted my coworker for an update after day shift today, and she let me know that Chili is doing great. No further seizures, eating and drinking well, pulmonary effusion resolving. Hopefully she can be weaned off of supplemental oxygen soon and go home to her parents. I’ve never seen a patient bounce up from the brink of death like that, and probably won’t see it again for a very long time. 

What if I hadn’t pressed her paw into the clay? Would she have continued to sleep, obtunded, rigid and tremoring, as the injections, white then pink, diffused through her circulatory system, stopping her heart? I can’t stop thinking about it. Did she feel us beginning to mourn, and realize she wasn’t ready to go? 

Did someone hear us deriding miracles and decide to show us something good?

I think that’s what I’m going with. I’m not religious, but I like the idea of a higher power saying that, just this once, the little dog gets to live a bit longer.

[saintmeghanmarkle]

Editing Meghan Markle's Worst Looks Part 3 by u/rangerhorsetug

Editing Meghan Markle's Worst Looks Part 3 Hey y'all! I'm soon going to be busy basically every day of the week for a long while, so I won't have much of a chance to edit anything besides when I want to relax and work some of my magic. Here are some of the six top voted entries that people put forward for me to fix on my other post asking for ideas. At 158 votes: White Off the Shoulder SuitIt isn't really appropriate for the event she's at, and she just looks like she's naked under the covers- not really appropriate to talk to parent's whose kids have died.Original:https://ift.tt/gOpxR8D bit of messy hair, neckline, color (black for mourning), length of pants, shoes, neckline, baggy sleeves. The pants I tried to make slim-fit, but it wasn't looking right.https://ift.tt/HvVX9Ni up with 155 votes: Joker Suit to HarlemIll fitting and baggy, not to mention outrageously expensive to be wearing to a place where kids are at or are below the poverty level, Joaquin Phoenix's Joker wears the suit better.Original:​https://ift.tt/Ob5AIxY, fit of pants, length of pants, bagginess in the back of the jacket, length of jacket hem, sleeve and cuff fit.​https://ift.tt/GHB0YW4 Paper Wedding Dress with 114 votesToo much white and it doesn't fit. Original:https://ift.tt/Ht3zvom Fixed the white to be blues (dress, hat, shoes), brought up the waistline a tad, and trimmed the sleeves and waist so it looked appropriately draped and not baggy.https://ift.tt/SDzEYKA votes: Moroccan Tour Smock A size or two too bigOriginal:https://ift.tt/7naQCPd Waistline to under her bust like many other pregnancy dresses so she doesn't look like a blob, some tailoring so the bump is clearer (regardless of it being a moonbump... or not), brought up the line where the bottom draping starts so it sits at where her bump ends and not an inch or two below, making it look odd and again blobby.https://ift.tt/7qAp0Go 95 votes: Trooping of the Color 2019The nurse look of her coat just isn't it and her dress is smocklike and her sleeves look pinned on, like she was told to cover her shoulders and she pinned on napkins.​https://ift.tt/r0yc7iB Neckline of dress, lengthened sleeves so they look like they are actually attached, color change, and I slimmed the dress so it didn't make her look like a rectangle. Fixed the coat- it is a long coat that is the length of her dress, so I made the top a capelet instead of the nurse-scrub coat. (Think victorian capelet coat) I also changed the color.​https://ift.tt/IC30yRZ, at 87 votes, the Hertz DressNeckline, cut out, fit, everything. It looks like a sofa.Original:​https://ift.tt/Udjs8Xb Cutout, sleeves, necklace that compliments the new neckline, covered up the slit.https://preview.redd.it/n9i3yh83i9cc1.jpg?width=768&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=c4712be67a040ee9e6ec61ded66f4969e77c0555​I hope you guys liked my new installment of insulting Meghan Markle, telling her she can't dress herself, and that I could do better. I'm snarking at her. Luckily with most of these edits, I don't have to look at her smug face, so I don't have too much trauma lol. I also added tags to the subreddit so if sugars try to use them, they know it wasn't made to support Me-again. post link: https://ift.tt/ZghR6dI author: rangerhorsetug submitted: January 13, 2024 at 08:54PM via SaintMeghanMarkle on Reddit

[saintsofwarding]

EMBRYO

Chapter 12: Monster Box

Someone brought her a cup of tea. Rose sat with her hands around it, playing with the teabag, not drinking it. She didn't trust her hands not to shake and spill it everywhere upon lifting it to her mouth.

The room was bland, walls beige, the furniture comfortable but waiting-room featureless. Rose hunched on an armchair, dressed in BSAA sweats, her cuts and bruises bandaged. A stream of people had handled her before she'd been left in here- medics to tend her injuries and take a sample of her blood in case the Embryo's venom had affected her too, someone with paperwork for her to sign, a team in HAZMAT suits checking her over for biohazards, ushering her into a freezing-cold disinfectant shower, taking her soaked, bloodied clothes and bundling them off to parts unknown.

Someone else brought her a sandwich. It looked a little wilted, but looking at it had made her realize just how hungry she was, and she attacked it like a starving dog.

Now, she was clean and dry and dosed up on ibuprofen, but that hardly made her feel any better. She could hear the murmur of voices and footsteps from the hallway outside, though she was alone in the room, its door locked, its walls windowless.

There was a mirror, but Rose figured that was there purely for observational purposes. Without a clock or her phone, she couldn't tell how much time had passed- it might have been minutes or hours since Chris had left her in here with an assurance he'd be back as soon as he could, he just needed to make some calls.

He didn't tell her to not worry. Somewhere, past the anxiety chewing holes in her guts, Rose appreciated that.

She tried to sip at the tea, giving it a cautious sniff first. As far as she could tell there wasn't anything in it besides leaves and water. No sedatives or anything. The heat helped bring a little feeling back into her body, helped clear the haze in her head. She was exhausted, but she didn't want to sleep in case there was news.

In case...

"In case you wake up to someone shaking your shoulder, telling you your second daddy is dead," whispered a voice in Rose's ear. "What's the quote again? To lose one father is a tragedy...to lose both looks like carelessness..."

Rose lifted her eyes. Eveline stood on the far side of the room. The light flickered and hummed overhead, throwing the other girl's face into flashes of shadow, her eyes hooded in darkness so all Rose could see of them was a bright bird gleam.

"Go away," Rose told her. "You're not real."

"Just a voice in your head? A whisper in your dreams?" Eveline slunk back and forth, a grin curling over her small, pointed face. "I'm more than that, Rosemary-rue. I'm a part of you that's never ever gonna go away..."

"Okay, fine, you're a completely real manifestation of my past trauma. Our past trauma. Whatever. I'm still figuring all that gestalt shit out." She took a swig of her tea, hoping its caffeine would kick in soon.

"You just don't get it, do you?" Eveline said. "Heisey protected you all those years, but it could have been worse. So much worse. All the monsters out there, and the worst ones of all are right at your door."

Rose rubbed her forehead. "Leave me alone."

"You'll never get it." She could hear Eveline growing closer, closer, the room darkening around them as her mold spread over the walls, the floor, the lights, spores winking like stars in the muggy light. "You'll never be free. Not really. Not unless everyone's dead. Papa Heisey. Chris. Your mommy." She cackled. "Mommy, mommy, mommy. Looking for her lost little girl, deep in the forest, but she was stolen away by the monsters in the end..."

"Go away-"

"What will you do then, I wonder? How do you think this is gonna end if you don't take control of the situation now? You could do it now. The BSAA...Chris and all his toy soldiers...they're nothing to you. Not really. You could crawl inside them. Tell them what to do. Just like I did. Then nothing would stand in your way. Nothing could."

Closer, closer. Rose's hands tightened into fists on her knees.

"Even Heisenberg," Eveline whispered. "You did it before, so many years ago, stealing his powers away when he was being a bad boy. With him under your command...all that power...all that...mm...brawn..."

She gave a theatrical swoon, her hand trailing over her forehead. "Oooh, he's a splendid specimen, all right...what do you think he could do if he really cut loose? We could see, y'know. We could make him."

Her voice was right by Rose's ear, right inside her head. Rose sprang to her feet, flinging aside her tea.

"Go away!" she screamed, the sound raw and brutal, scraping real pain from deep inside her throat. "Go away! Get out!"

She stood, panting. Eveline was gone. The mold was gone, the fluorescents unobscured. Had it ever been there in the first place?

An echo of childlike laughter, then nothing at all.

The door opened. Rose spun with a gasp, lifting her hands on reflex, but it was just Chris. His brows were drawn together, his expression somber.

The world spun into stillness around Rose.

"No," she whispered. "Is-"

"He's fine," Chris said, quickly. Rose swayed where she stood as relief crashed over her, hard enough she barely caught his next words. "Relatively speaking. Whatever's in that thing's venom should have killed him five times over, but seems Karl Heisenberg is tougher than even we gave him credit for."

"That's right." Rose crossed her arms, then uncrossed them. Mistake. She'd look fidgety. But Chris wasn't looking at her with any kind of pity, just a heavy, searching intensity that made her more than a little uncomfortable.

"And so am I," she went on.

A worn smile crossed Chris's face. "Yeah, I know," he said. "You take after your dad."

He didn't mean Heisenberg. Rose felt her lower lip tremble. She looked down at the ground, then back up at him.

"Is Sam okay?" she asked.

"Sam?"

"The...the girl in our apartment." She blushed. "She was, um, tied to a chair."

Chris nodded. "Yeah, that was pretty memorable. Last I saw Samantha Torres was being taken with a protection detail to a hospital. She's okay. Freaked, but okay."

"Good," Rose said.

She chewed her lip, took a breath, stopped.

"Can I-" she began. No. The time for being a scared kid was over. "I want to see Heisenberg," she went on, strengthening her tone. "Take me to him. Now."

She wasn't fooling anyone, least of all Chris Redfield. Still, that surprising gentleness lingered. It should have looked out of place on a guy built and battered like him, but it didn't. It stayed as he nodded.

"Okay," he told her. "But after that- we need to talk."

***

The temporary BSAA facility looked like an ordinary warehouse building save for the guards posted at the doors, the rooms of computer monitors and spills of cables strung down narrow, dimly-lit industrial corridors. Chris walked her through the facility with his hand on her shoulder; guards shifted at their posts as she passed them by.

One commando in body armor reached out for Chris, his eyes cold on Rose, his other hand on his sidearm.

"Without a collar or cuffs, Redfield?" he muttered. "You got a death wish or something?"

"Guess so," Chris said, shouldering past him, pushing Rose lightly onward.

They took an elevator down, down, down, into a deeper sublevel buzzing with greenish light. Rose smelled chemicals down here, burning in her nose. The doors were windowless, and she and Chris passed by a lot before he at last stopped at a pair at the end of the hallway.

He swiped a keycard. The doors went chunk.

The room beyond was cold as a deep-freeze, a shadowy span of girdered ceiling and concrete pillars. In the center, on a dais, was a massive, circular glass tank, its interior lit to a blinding glare. Inside was a cot, now torn to pieces and mangled into a new, thrilling shape.

In the middle of the detritus, fiddling with the bits of plastic that had fastened the cot together, sat Heisenberg.

His coat was slung over one of the cot legs that stuck into the air; he'd been stripped to the waist, his beefy torso so heavily bandaged he looked like a mummy from one of the Hammer horror movies they'd rented every Halloween, to watch until the sun came up while getting sick on shitty dollar-store candy. The color was still drained from his skin, but he was alive. Alive, not a crystal sculpture.

Joy burst in Rose's chest, lightning coursing down her veins. She stopped before the glass, her heart pounding, staring in at him as he looked back at her.

"Hey, kid," Heisenberg said.

"I hope you didn't try to escape or anything."

"Nah." He tipped his head to the side to show another collar strapped around his neck, an auto-injector aimed for his jugular. Wires trailed down to a sensor taped to one hairy, scarred-up pec. "The nice lady in the white coat was kind enough to explain that this thing measures my Cadou's energy output. It goes too high..." He clicked his fingers. "Night-night."

"Inconvenient."

"Sure fuckin' is." He nodded at her. "You all right?"

"You're not mad at me?"

"'Course I am. You're grounded for a year. No allowance. And don't even think about asking for another fuckin' pony."

Rose snorted. "I didn't even ask you for the first pony."

She glanced back. Chris hung back at a distance, his arms crossed, his head down. He was giving them a moment, Rose realized.

She crept closer to the glass. Warmth pushed at her eyes; she felt the little tremble down in the pit of her stomach that meant she might lose it again, like on the riverbank. She swallowed back her tears and pressed her hand to the glass.

"How about you? Are you okay?" she whispered.

"Thanks to you."

"How did they-"

"Stuck me with some purple shit in a syringe." He waved his hand dismissively. "Figure it was some kind of mutagen accelerant, kick-started the Cadou's regenerative abilities, stopped my calcification in its tracks. Feel like a pit of corpses, but at least I'm not one of them."

He gave a raspy laugh as he levered, slowly, shakily, to his feet and limped over. "Hosed me down pretty good, too. Chemicals everywhere. Burns like a bitch. Reminds me of the time I fell into the factory runoff. Now that was interesting. I thought my face would melt off."

Rose reached up to swipe tears from her eyes before he could notice. "You almost died, you bastard," she spat.

He noticed. Of course he did. And, of course, he was gonna be an asshole about it. "Aww, and you're gonna cry about it?"

"What you were saying by the riverbank-"

"Not now." He cut her off. A beat, then he pressed his own hand to the glass, just over hers. Without his gloves on his hands looked strangely bare; he hardly ever went without them outside of the apartment, in front of anyone that wasn't her.

She wasn't sure why; she'd never asked. She'd never asked so much. Now, maybe- maybe- if they got through this- they could begin to talk. Not just evenings in front of the TV, sinking their attention in arguments and jabs and weird experiments and jovial evasions. No more of that. She wanted to know everything, not culled from his half-forgotten memories, but in his own words. About the village, about the other Lords. Everything Miranda had tried to take from them all.

His scarred fingers curled, as if to enclose hers in his grip.

"Not now," he repeated, his voice as close to gentle as she'd ever heard it. "Don't make me say it again."

Rose nodded. She sniffed. "Okay," she said. "Fine. But I'm not leaving just because you're shit with emotions and you're getting all uncomfortable."

"Fuck you-"

"You're gonna have to buy me more than a pony if you want me to ever be nice to you again."

"You got me tongue-fucked by a monster, you little-"

"You're gonna have to buy me a car," Rose said. "To start. And a nicer phone. And I want to go shopping and you're footing the bill. For everything-"

"Bold, kid! I'd admire your demands if I cared at all about them."

"If you say no I won't love you anymore."

"Hah!" Heisenberg roared. "No!"

Rose could barely stay on her feet as they argued back and forth. Love, she thought, like grief, was a dark room full of monsters. Years she could wander blindly, never meeting tooth nor claw, until all at once she was in their grip, their jaws locked in her flesh, never letting go.

She still didn't forgive him. She still wanted to sit him down, tie him to a chair if she had to, and have a long and uncomfortable conversation with him until he admitted, by force, everything he'd pigheadedly never say in other circumstances. She wanted to know. Everything. Everything. For now, though, she was just grateful he was here at all.

Maybe it would be better for her to never forgive Heisenberg, leave him to the mercy of the BSAA. Maybe they would be safer apart in the long run.

She didn't much care about what would be better, what would be safer. She'd take all the monsters in the world so long as he was one of them.

***

"What is this place, anyway?" she asked Chris as she retreated, at last, from the glass. Heisenberg stayed there, watching them both with glinting eyes. "You just happened to have a perfectly-sized box to put him in?"

"No." Chris let out a long breath. "This whole place was built to contain an entirely different bioweapon. The Embryo. Provided, of course, we got one alive."

"So it's really not yours."

He shook his head. "My squad's been tracking those things for weeks. Each one gets bigger. More powerful. Like with each incarnation it's learning."

"Yeah, I figured that out, too."

Chris gave a dry laugh. "You sure did."

They were heading down another green-lit corridor. Rose glanced behind her as more commandos fell into step behind them, anonymous in full black tactical suits and face visors, automatic rifles at a casual ready. One of them gave her a little salute. Rose frowned, then faced front again.

"Where are you taking me?" she asked. She thought they'd go to an interrogation room or something.

"It'll be easier to show you."

"You're not gonna lock me up, like Heisenberg?"

Chris's gait slowed.

"Rose," he said. "I was friends with your parents for more than three years. I first saw you right out of the hospital, saw the way Ethan and Mia looked at you. Like you were the only thing in the world that mattered to them. They were...good people. Your father was one of the best I ever knew. And now- to find you- after so many years..."

He gave his head another little shake.

"No, I'm not gonna lock you up," he said.

He picked up his pace again, pushing open a door and heading into a long, echoing stairwell. "BSAA's turning up the heat on me and my squad, as I'm sure you can tell from the warm welcome they gave you upstairs. They gave me seventy-two hours in Regent City to get this thing done and get you and Heisenberg in the bag."

Rose hurried after him. "So you know something about the Embryo?"

"Yeah."

"Who sent it? It and the-" She took a short breath. "The thing that looks like me."

"It's an Embryo, too." He held out his hand. In his palm gleamed a metal disc like the one she'd fished out of the blackened remains in the subway. "I found this in the wreckage at the hall of mirrors."

"How can...how can that thing become me?"

"Hm. Good question," Chris said. "Part one of my theory is there are two varieties. The scout and the hunter. Come on. Through here."

He shoved through a door with a pushbar and into a long, echoing space beyond. Rows of computers were set up on makeshift desks, servers whirring at the damp, cold air. This place must be underwater; Rose smelled a faint salinous tang in the air, heard a faint churning boom, like the impact of waves. Another smell hit her, too, a moment later. Something burnt, like charcoal briquettes, overlaying the sting of acid.

Chris flicked a switch. Fluorescent lights powered on with a hum, illuminating the transparent tent set up over a table in the middle of the room. On it, arrayed like an autopsy, was the corpse of the Embryo Rose had hit with the subway train.

"Here," he told Rose, thrusting a full-body orange HAZMAT suit and pair of booties at her. "The acid can still burn your eyes real bad, and we're still studying the effects of its ash on human lungs."

She began struggling into the too-big suit. "It's not still alive, is it?"

"No cell regeneration. Seems the combination of electricity and train was enough to cook this one golden-brown." He'd suited up faster than her and helped her do up the back zipper, securing the velcro tabs around the helmet with deft movements. He unzipped the tent and held the flap open for Rose to duck through.

They emerged into the tent proper. Rose's breathing hissed, reflected back at her. She approached the table, examining with wide eyes the charred, glutinous flesh, the remnants of a cartilaginous internal structure, the half-decomposed mouth tentacles, pale and limp, like ropes of overcooked spaghetti. It looked even bigger here than it had in the subway, a gorilla-like body structure armored with plates of crystalline bone, the gelatinous sac that had once hung down from its belly now burst and deflated.

She thought of Mara in the bathroom, her relief when Rose had come back to save her. If only she'd been faster.

If only she'd gotten this thing before it got to her, Mara might still be alive.

"You know who made this thing, don't you?" she asked, quietly.

Chris nodded behind the clear visor of his suit. "They call themselves Ouroboros. The snake that eats its own tail, and lives again, and again. They've been a shadow in my radar, a reoccurring name in the books of dozens of bioterrorists I've taken down over the last ten years. They make monsters, bioweapons sold to the highest bidder to unleash as they see fit. Worse, they're smart. They never leave traces, never stay too long in one place. I've raided labs I know were theirs only to find empty rooms scrubbed clean. They never let their monsters out in the open. Until now."

"What changed?" Rose said.

Chris turned and met her eyes.

"You," he said. "I had the blood tested that we drew from you a couple hours ago and compared it to the Embryo. Rose..."

She stared at him in turn. "Tell me."

"It was a match, Rose. These things- all of them- are made from a base of your DNA." He paused. "It was no accident they started going after you. No accident one showed up with your face. Are you okay?"

She'd put out a hand against the table. Little shocks of white burst in her eyes, in time with her heartbeat. The filtered air tasted bitter as she tried to steady her breathing.

Of course, she thought.

Of course.

There were no coincidences, not being her. Heisenberg, for all his efforts in carting her around, running her from place to place always one step ahead of the BSAA, hadn't accounted for one thing- that they weren't the only ones with their eyes on her.

That there had never been any chance of peace. Not for them.

"How?" she heard herself say. "How did Ouroboros get my DNA? How do they even know about my powers?"

Chris paused for a microsecond. "I don't know. Not entirely. I suspect there was some kind of data breach after me and the Hound Wolf Squad evacuated the village, someone listening in after catching wind of Miranda's plans. She wasn't exactly subtle about them."

She turned to face him. "Okay, fine. Doesn't matter. How do we take them down?"

"I'm working on that. Like I said, they're smart, but they've stuck their necks out sending the Embryo tests into Regent City. They can't just release them kilometers out, expect them to wander into town. They've got to be within the city limits. Close to where all the attacks have taken place. Somewhere they can contain more than half a dozen huge-ass monsters without raising notice."

"That could be a lot of places."

"I know." He leaned against the table, staring into the charred depths of the dead Embryo, his eyes half-lidded and lightless.

Rose was silent for a moment.

"You said you were friends with my dad," she said quietly.

Chris inclined his head.

"What would he do if he was here?"

Chris gave a low laugh. "Latch onto the smallest lead and worry it to the bone. Hunt it down no matter how stupid it was to even try."

He glanced sideways at her. "You know what he did to save your mom? After years of radio silence, he gets one email from her. One. And he spends the night battling through the hordes of hell in the Louisiana bayou to get her back alive. Crazy bastard."

He shook his head. "Took on Miranda and her family freakshow with a pistol and a prayer. I thought it was all for nothing after Heisenberg escaped from the Hungarian facility with you in tow, but when you popped up, years later, just a glimpse of you through a Glaswegian CCTV camera...it was nothing short of a miracle. I think I'd almost given up on those."

"I'm not a miracle," Rose said.

Chris looked at her.

"I'm not some kind of symbol," she went on. "Or savior. Miranda wanted to make me into a vessel for her own dead kid, nothing more than an empty shell to use as an excuse to murder, manipulate, and destroy. I'm never gonna be that again. Not for anyone. Ever."

"Rose, it's safer-"

She grabbed him by the front of his HAZMAT suit and wrenched him closer. He outweighed her by more than a hundred pounds, towered over her by more than a head, and yet he stumbled under her strength.

Her power surged; mold unfurled from the orange material of her suit, a splayed halo of writhing tentacles that glistened like oil in the fluorescent light.

"Ever," she said again. "Get it?"

She released him. Chris rocked back onto his heels. "Loud and clear," he said, a little smile hooking the corner of his mouth.

"Good," Rose told him. "'Cause I can get way meaner than that."

Chris held up his hand; the rest of the squad that had followed him- the Hound Wolf Squad, Rose guessed- lowered their weapons.

"All right, boss?" one said in a distinctly Afrikaans accent.

"I assume you won't take my suggestion of staying out of the action," Chris said, giving his guy a thumbs up.

"Not on your life."

"You're a kid, Rose."

"A kid who inherited crazy powers from a god. You want me on your side." She paused. "Also, I'm literally the only person on this continent that Karl Heisenberg might listen to."

"Might?"

"We're kind of on the rocks."

"Yeah, I got that as well." Chris paused. "He's dangerous, Rose. I know you know that, but you should hear it again. Ethan trusted him, and Ethan died. Don't let yourself suffer the same fate because of some misplaced loyalty to him."

"He's the reason I made it past seven months," Rose said. "My loyalty is not misplaced."

Chris held her gaze for a long moment, his forehead deeply lined, his brows drawn together in a contemplative frown. Years he'd fought bioweapons like her, years he'd spent putting mutants in the dirt. Not listening to them, sympathizing with them. Not granting them mercy. That was how he kept people safe, how he kept the world from descending into undeath and chaos: doing what needed to be done, and doing it well.

Now he seemed to be giving her a chance. Rose wasn't about to waste it.

"Then what do you propose we do?" Chris asked- half-mocking, half-serious.

Take the lead and worry it to the bone. She was her father's daughter, after all.

"I have a plan," Rose said. "But there's one catch."

"Yeah?"

"You need," Rose went on, "to let out Heisenberg."

[our-flag-means-love]

earlier this year i made this playlist with the target audience of Specifically Myself, comprised of s1's story and some s2 predictions, but as you may have noticed, s2 has since come out. as such, i think it's time for:

Ed x Stede, as told by The Killers (SEASON 2 UPDATE)

19 songs, 76 minutes in total.

(also on youtube, if you don't use spotify or aren't able to listen in order, which is the recommended way of consuming it)

in addition to adding new songs, i'm also going to be revising my explanations throughout the whole playlist, so even if you read the s1 post, there will be some new stuff to enjoy too!

explanation and lyric highlights for each song can be found under the cut. last time i tried to keep things concise but this time all bets are off. a full paragraph per song.

also! i recognize that an hour and 16 minutes is quite the time investment to ask of anyone, so here is my recommendation for abridged listening, the songs for which i think listening to the whole thing really does enhance the experience: #5, #7, #10, #14, #18, #19, clocking in at 24 minutes. and if you're going to listen to ONE SONG, make it #14.

(lyrics are mostly taken from genius but a few parts are just what i know to be true in my heart if i think genius is wrong)

1. boy

this can be read as either an ed childhood song or a stede childhood song, or both. feeling awkward in your own skin, feeling confined to your hometown and unable to reach your full potential. things i definitely think both of them felt as they grew up.

these streets / weren't meant to house / jet-fueled engine dreams

2. When You Were Young

BANGER ALERT!!! this song is for sure about ed's childhood and religious trauma because i mean come ON.

you sit there in your heartache / waiting on some beautiful boy to / to save you from your old ways

he doesn't look a thing like jesus / but he talks like a gentleman / like you imagined when you were young

3. I Can't Stay

my apologies for jumping straight from the arguably best song on this playlist to the definitely worst song on this playlist. but it had to be done, because this one's about stede leaving mary.

in the dark / for a while now /[...]/ i can't stay / much longer / riding my decision home

4. The Man

this one's about Blackbeard™. despite the title, this is the "myth" and "legend" part of the phrase "the man, the myth, the legend." tall, broad, head made of smoke, nine guns, etc. the terror of the seven seas.

don't try to teach me / i got nothing to learn / 'cause baby i'm gifted

i got skin in the game / i don't feel no pain / i got news for you baby, you're looking at the man

5. Flesh And Bone

another BANGER ALERT!!! and remember how i brought up "the man, the myth, the legend"? well, this is the "man" part, because as it turns out, ed is an actual person too. one who's aging and growing tired of piracy.

but i'm not sure how / this natural selection / picked me out to be / a dark horse running in a fantasy

what are you afraid of? / and what are you made of? / flesh and bone / and i'm running out of time

6. Tidal Wave

they! are! in! love! for the first verse the pronouns could be read either way, but then for the second verse "he" is stede and "she" is ed (you'll see why) bc damnit i'm taking this song from the hets, it's mine now.

you say this life has given you nothing / you got another thing coming

now the story of / forbidden love / has gotta make a stand

7. Andy, You're A Star

on a surface level reading, this song is about high school sports. but if you dig a bit deeper, the izzy can be found. in this song, the narrator greatly admires andy and his skills, but uh oh! andy is prioritizing love over fame and success! this simply will not do!

in a car with a girl / promise me she's not your world / 'cause andy, you're a star / in nobody's eyes but mine

8. Mr. Brightside

is this song overplayed? hell yes! is it also the best song to illustrate stede's feelings about ed and calico jack! you bet your ass it is!

jealousy / turning saints into the sea / swimming through sick lullabies / choking on your alibis

9. Neon Tiger

the law has finally caught up with stede, but ed is determined to protect him from chauncey's wrath at all costs. gonna be honest, this song might be the weakest fit on this whole list. so sue me, idk.

you're far too pure and bold / to suffer the strain of the hand and its hold

run neon tiger / there's a price on your head / they'll hunt you down and gut you / i'll never let 'em touch you

10. Leave The Bourbon On The Shelf

once again, BANGER ALERT!!! who's jennifer? we only know stede bonnet. and ed misses him. he's drinking and depressed in his blanket fort and ready to snap with enough prodding (from izzy, obvs). for the last 10-ish seconds, i want you to picture ed's smile right before he pushes lucius overboard.

before you say goodbye / leave the bourbon on the shelf / and i'll drink it by myself / and i love you endlessly / darling, don't you see? / i'm not satisfied / until i hold you tight

11. Everything Will Be Alright

stede is determined to find ed and do whatever it takes to get to him. he's not ready to believe that they're over. they're just on a break.

i'm coming to find you / if it takes me all night / wrong until / you make it right

you don't need to compromise / i'm dreaming 'bout those dreamy eyes

12. The Rising Tide

in my s1 playlist i referred to this as an angry ed breakup song, but upon further examination, i really think ed is the person the song is about rather than the narrator (although tbh, imagining both the "i"s and the "you"s as ed works solidly well). this song represents his mental health spiral.

before life and the dream collide / 'cause the truth's gonna come and cut me open wide

and the company you keep / well they plan your crucifixion as we speak

13. Rut

now ed's in the gravy basket. part of him wants to give up, but the rest wants to keep fighting, he's just not sure how. this song—particularly the ending, the desperation in the repeated "don't you give up on me"s—is also ed's pov of the eventual reunion.

i've done my best defending / but the punches are starting to land / i'm sliding into something you won't understand

but don't give up on me / 'cause i'm just in a rut / i'm climbing but the walls keep stacking up

14. My List

this and #18 are the songs i couldn't make work on the s1 playlist that i'm so glad i got to include this time. god i love this one so much and it's so perfect for stede's pov of the reunion. the quiet lamentation in the first half. the desperation in the second half. top tier shit. it's so perfectly stede in that scene. move over, kate bush.

and when you come back in from nowhere / do you ever think of me?

when your heart / is not able / and your prayers / they're not fables /[...]/ let me show you how much i care

15. Have All The Songs Been Written?

now the boys need to talk, and maybe stede has some apologizing to do. he knows how much he hurt ed, and he wants to make amends. he wants to win him back over if at all possible.

have all the songs been written? / have all your needs been met? / have all these years been worth it / or am i the great regret?

i just need one more to get through to you / i can't take back what i've done wrong

16. For Reasons Unknown

this is around s2e5. they're on good terms but still insecure, still warming back up to each other, and still taking things slow. full disclosure: i let myself add this song because i was sad about having to cut "bones" and this one i could make fit better.

with one deep breath / and one big step / i move a little bit closer

and my lips / they don't kiss / they don't kiss the way they used to / and my eyes don't recognize you no more

17. Be Still

i wanted to use "bones" for when they fuck. i really really did. but it just didn't fit the tone. stede just killed someone intentionally for the first time, and he's still running on all those complicated emotions as he and ed have some of the sweetest and most awkward sex ever imagined by man.

don't break character / you've got a lot of heart / is this real or just a dream?

when you come back / tell me, what did you see? / was there something out there for me?

18. A Matter Of Time

UNDERRATED DEEP CUT ALERT!!! as mentioned in #14, i'm psyched to include this song. this is their s2e7 breakup. the drama, the conflict. stede laughing with his girlfriends, so to speak, as ed sits in his own emotions. two people trying and failing to make it work.

i see you / laughing with your girlfriends / not a care in the world / not a burden on your mind / it was a matter of time

can't you see that it's tearing me up inside? / look what's laying at our feet / that's the wreckage of broken dreams

19. All These Things That I've Done

one final time, with conviction: BANGER ALERT!!! ed has to come to terms with himself. he must accept the parts of him that can kill and the parts of him that can love in equal measure. it's the only way for him to find peace, and to hold on long enough to retire with stede.

these changes ain't changing me / the cold-hearted boy i used to be

while everyone's lost / the battle is won / with all these things that i've done

if you've stuck around with me for this long, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING! hopefully either your brain was already as rotted by this band as mine is or i've indoctrinated you by now. i'm also in the (slow, very very slow) process of making a video edit set to "all these things that i've done" and i'll update this post with the link when (if) that's eventually done!