#me at my core vs. what my bpd expresses

[aparticularbandit]

Kyoko's entire gender and orientation and all of the things is just detective. That is who and what she is, and it is one of the very few things she is sure of, and most everything else just does not matter.

She is, first and foremost, detective. Everything else is secondary or less.

Junko, on the other hand, has never been that sure of anything in her entire life. Right now, she's Despair, and that's fun, and it can be her entire self right now, but even that's not really who she is because she has all of the different personas - she doesn't know who she's supposed to be, and she changes between them because she gets bored of them - and so of course she would call Kyoko boring and predictable because Kyoko is ever only and always Detective with a capital D.

(Except that Kyoko's involvement was the thing she did not predict in DR0. Someone comments on that, on how Kyoko isn't supposed to be there. (Mukuro? Maybe?))

But the thing is that Kyoko gives a permanence and stability in the midst of the whirlwind chaos that is Junko Enoshima. Because even without her memories, Kyoko is still Detective.

Unstoppable force meets immovable object indeed.

(Take the best things about the other and add them into yourself: Kyoko teaches Junko how to find herself in the midst of so many unknowns, and Junko gives Kyoko wings.)

[dr-gloom]

Selfishness Vs. Selflessness Analysis (Pt 2/4)

Between Deceit’s comment about the bar for missing opportunities and Patton’s argument about the emotional sentimental stuffs. (It flashes to Roman briefly as Patton’s talking, and you can see him “looking around” (read: thinking). He’s processing what Deceit is saying and realizing some of what Deceit is trying to prove: Thomas is pushing away his own happiness for the happiness of his friends, and that doesn’t seem equal or fair.)

“Do you want the part in the movie or not?” (It’s a point-blank question, the kind you can’t tip-toe around without everyone knowing you’re either gonna lie or feel bad for being honest. You can tell by Roman’s expression that he knows what the answer will be but he’s scared of what will happen once it’s out in the open. Maybe because it goes against Patton? Roman doesn’t want to fight Patton on this, but really if Deceit wasn’t around, this episode would’ve been Patton Vs. Roman. By interrupting Thomas to answer for him though, Roman is taking the heat off Thomas and redirecting what would have been disappointment in Thomas to himself instead. As much as we like to think Roman is selfish, he’d never want to see Patton or Thomas hurt, and letting Thomas answer that question would have hurt them both.)

“Wrong?” “Yeah!” “Yeah....” And the smirk. (We know Deceit knows Thomas’ real feelings on the issue; that’s why he’s there. It’s a little concerning that the literal embodiment of Thomas’ feelings either doesn’t know or doesn’t care. Deceit can see the weakening alliance between Patton and Thomas, and it only grows weaker as the faux court scene progresses. *****I think that’s why he picked the court; it’s the one place feelings and subjective points of view don’t have value.******)

“Deceit, standing in the spot of one of my four best friends!” (On the surface, we all went AWWW HOW SWEET but if we take a moment to think about this, this is a deflection. We all know Patton is very good at those ((because of his whole arc with hiding negative feelings)), and this comment is completely unnecessary. Yet, it comes at a time when his argument is losing steam; he’s made his point, yet Thomas is teetering on the edge and Deceit isn’t shaken.)

“Are you seriously so close-minded to think that everything said by someone you don’t like is automatically untrue?” (EDIT: despite what I wrote earlier, after getting some sleep and thinking I’ve realized this is great. Roman is probably the only one who really has the right to call people out on this stuff, cause he did the same thing to Virgil in the beginning and he’s learned from that. I’m proud of how he’s grown and how he’s trying to help Virgil see the same point.)

“We have to be there for them!” “We don’t have to do anything.” (Deceit is being 100% truthful here, proving he can be honest. You can see Thomas wanting to hear what he has to say, but maybe being too scared to make it obvious by turning to look at him? Another example of the hidden theme behind this episode: Patton has been given too much power. What he says, goes.)

“But what about us?” “What about us?” (This really shows their core beliefs. Deceit is all about serving Thomas in a more personal and primal sense; whatever makes Thomas happy, serves him the best, gets him his desires and fulfills his goals. Patton is more altruistic; whatever makes Thomas feel the best in the long run ((ex: he’d be miserable at the wedding but maybe later he’d feel like a good person)), what helps others more, how can he serve the people he cares about.)

“Wow guys, it’s so cool how you never listen to Roman.” (While we’re all like “Yeah!!!!1″ I kind of... Took a step back and thought about the video so far. Roman,,,, hasn’t made any original, valid points? He’s partnering with Deceit, who’s making all the valid arguments for him. It’s not like he’s really offered a third-party perspective that disagrees with both Patton and Deceit ((unless you wanna count his flimsy backtracking when Deceit mentioned the Aunt Patty excuse)).)

Virgil’s reaction to Thomas’ concession. (Virgil looks at Thomas like he’s lost his mind. Virgil sees these kinds of issues as very black-and-white; you’re either helping or hurting, and this situation is not helping anyone but Thomas. So of course it’s hurting his friends!! Patton’s reaction is along the same line; how would this not be hurting them?)

Roman’s reaction. (He doesn’t even care about how Thomas’ friends would feel; he’s offended that the callback isn’t seen as a valid reason. Now that I think about it, I don’t remember Roman ever being invested in Thomas’ friendships, which makes me wonder about his Freudian slip later on... ((and idk, I feel that on a personal level, having BPD. I get being lonely but being the reason you’re alone)).)

“You don’t mean any of this. I’m your morality-” and the cut to Deceit’s expression. (Once again, another signal that this is about how Patton is given too much say in Thomas’ life. Patton is ignoring how Thomas feels ((very ironic)) for the sake of pushing his Morally Right Agenda.)

When Thomas starts validating Patton immediately after and the confusion on Deceit’s face. (How did Patton get so much power? Why is Thomas so eager to stifle his own wants and needs to listen to a small piece of himself? How is it so easy for him to just forget what he actually wants, just because Patton opens his mouth? How could Thomas be this thick????)

[autism-asks]

I lie a lot (casual stuff not serious stuff) because of my borderlinepd and bad family members and I’m autistic so If they can’t tell I’m lying, I’ll feel so uncontrollably guilty I’ll have a severely bad mood swing and I don’t know what to do, it’s eating me alive and I have Trouble recognizing when I’m in the type of mood where I lie a lot BECAUSE of my trouble recognizing emotions so I don’t realize I do it until it’s happening or happened, is there anything I could do to help myself?

First things first, if I understand correctly, you say that you cannot tell when you lie due to difficulties recognising your own emotions.

This is the definition of lying as can be found on the Cambridge Dictionary’s website:

lie verb (SPEAK FALSELY)

​B1 [ I ] present participle lying, past tense lied, past participle lied

to say or write something that is not true in order to deceive someone

If there is no intent to deceive, it is not lying. If you make a statement to the best of your judgement that later turns out to be inaccurate because you weren’t aware of all the facts at the time it wouldn’t be lying. Based on your ask, it sounds like the latter is what is happening with you.

In any case, what matters is that you are aware there is a problem and you are willing and trying to face it and work on it. That in itself is very courageous and decent of you!

This brings me to my second point - while it is true that some individuals with BPD may lie or even lie frequently, lying is not a trait or symptom of BPD. More commonly, symptoms of BPD may be interpreted as lying.

Extreme emotional responses or displays may be interpreted as deliberate exaggeration or manipulation, as such intense, immediate reactions may seem unimaginable to someone who has no personal experience or nuanced understanding of emotional dysregulation or BPD.

Extreme, frequently alternating opinions or accounts of events due to emotional impermanence (not being able to experience or recall emotional states not currently felt), black and white thinking (i.e. something or someone is either really good or really bad, no in between), an unstable sense of self (acting differently around different people, frequently changing your demeanor, interests, values, style etc.) or dissociation (genuinely not remembering things) may resemble the behaviour of someone who is lying but may have trouble keeping their stories straight.

Brash, impulse or risky behaviours, particularly in the context of self-harm or suicidal ideation or behaviour, that may be employed in an attempt to regulate emotions or occur in response to interpersonal conflict (i.e. perceived or real abandonment) may again be interpreted as manipulative.

While I can see BPD potentially factoring into or interacting with lying, it is important to be very clear about what you mean if you feel this may be the case for you. While you should be able to talk about your experiences, it is imperative to make a clear distinction between “this is how it is for me personally” vs. “this is what BPD is” to avoid contributing to the stigma surrounding BPD.

As for what may help - the way I understand your ask, your difficulties recognising your (and others’?) emotions are at the core of your problem. Being able to identify, label and express how you feel is an aspect of alexithymia (common with autism) as well as emotional dysregulation (common with both autism and BPD). As such, my suggestion would be to look into emotion regulation. I have answered a question on how to better recognise and express your emotions here which includes both information and resources on managing emotions. I hope this helps!

Please let me know if I misunderstood what you were asking or you have any other questions!

-Kath