#me: i can't hear u over my muses and their sad sad lives

[galaxyraised]

lieutenant jr. grade,  freya moss.

1 / ?   *   don’t reblog!

[ssamie]

epilogue. “your girlfriend’s kinda hot”

kozume kenma x fem dazai!reader

(bsd x hq)

tw: mentions of suicide and suggestive themes + dirty jokes

masterlist.          suicide freak!

"hey uh, welcome to my stream i guess" he said as he spared the camera a quick glance "im not really playing tonight because an incident has recently occurred in this household" kenma said with a tired sigh 

nobody else knew it, but the said 'incident' was y/n accidentally setting half of their living room on fire 

the reason? apparently, she wanted to try burning herself to death in the furnace. obviously, it didn't work. and all that's left from that is more shit for kenma to clean up and a trip to yosano-san. 

kenma is stressed. and y/n is still alive. both of them are facing problems. 

"can you please wear a maid outfit- no."

kenma shook his head as he continued playing, glancing at the chat once in a while to read the veiwers' questions and comments

╭─━━━━━━━━━━━━─╮

user: how about cat ears?! 

user: ^^ cATBOY CATBOY CATBOY 

user: u suck at this game wtf

kuroo.tetsu: hey kenma ;) 

╰─━━━━━━━━━━━━─╯

"first of all, i do not suck at minecraft thank you very much" kenma scoffed 

"second of all, go away kuroo. im still mad at you" 

╭─━━━━━━━━━━━━─╮

user: LMFAOOO kuroo what did u do?? 💀💀

user: he probably broke kenma's pc 

user: PLSS he's the one kenma’s throwing shade at on twitter 

kuroo.tetsu: STOP THE SLANDER 😔✋🏼

user: rooster head lookin ass 

user: ^^ NOT THE HAIR 

kuroo.testsu: 😃😃

╰─━━━━━━━━━━━━─╯

kenma sighed as he continued building a cute little cottage. he was currently vibing, just building y/n a cute cottage for her to probably burn later on. 

and he decided it would be nice to go on stream since his oh-so-lovely girlfriend was still out for work. 

ah yes, kenma has somehow kept y/n alive all those years. 

barely. 

hence why his phone was being bombarded with messages from her, all of which being blurry selfies. 

the photos had her sporting a huge grin while atsushi panicked in the background. 

╭─━━━━━━━━━━━━─╮

user: ayo, ur phone's blowing up 

user: do you have a girlfriend? 

user: KODZUKEN LET ME SUCK UR TOES 😋😋🤩

user: ^ ayo chill 😃

╰─━━━━━━━━━━━━─╯

kenma simply ignored them and continued on with his task. all was going well until a loud slam was heard. his cat-like eyes widened as he heard a familiar voice singing from downstairs, it was undoubtedly y/n. 

kenma chuckled nervously and muted his mic. 

but of course, cute dumb catboy didn't actually mute his mic. haha <3

he ignored all the questions in the chat, all of them being  speculations that he has a girlfriend. which he does, but they simply did not need to know that <3

"kenma~" she yelled out "i have a surprise for you!!" she said, followed by menacing giggles. 

kenma glanced at the camera before hopping off his gaming chair and peeking his head out of the door. 

"y/n, im streaming!! stay down there!" he yelled out in panic 

"aw, you're playing hard to get aren't ya?" she chuckled 

kenma deadpanned as he saw her limping up the stairs, with her bandages torn and unravelled, same with her clothes. he didn't really think much of it since this is usually how she comes home. 

its most likely just due to work and/or another suicide attempt.

"so, kenma.. you'll never know what just happened to me today" she started off with a goofy grin 

"im streaming, atleast let me turn it off first-" 

she paid no mind to him as she peeled off her ruined coat and pointed to her poorly bandaged stomach

"i got stabbed!" 

"you got what?!"

kenma furrowed his brows as he immediately rushed over to his side, cradling her face and waist as he inspected her injuries

"are you okay, kitten?" he asked worriedly 

"yep, apparently it wasnt deep enough to be fatal" she sighed dejectedly 

"please don't be sad about that." kenma groaned "can you undress?" 

"ara ara~ whats this?" she cooed "you're getting real bold, kenma" she smirked at him 

she unbuttoned her shirt and started pulling down on her skirt "but since you asked so nicely-" 

kenma simply sighed and shook his head. "i was gonna prepare you a bath but now im considering leaving you here to die" 

"but the second option would've been better though" she smiled at him 

"oh my fucking god." 

kozume kenma. (22)

╰─▸ university student, stock trader, pro-gamer, youtuber, ceo of bouncing ball lpt. 

╰─▸ y/n's struggling boyfriend. definitely needs a pay after all he's been through.

╰─▸ currently panicking because his girlfriend got stabbed.

l/n y/n. (22)

╰─▸ operative/member of the armed detective agency. 

╰─▸ kenma's girlfriend. kinda dumb, very hot to compensate for it. still hasn't died yet. 

╰─▸ currently bleeding and wounded. also hoping for severe blood loss.

"kenma, did you know" she mused in a teasing tone "lack of sleep and too much stress could possibly lead to poor memory and lack of awareness" 

kenma looked up at her with a look of confusion. he was currently kneeled down before her while she was sat on the bed as he cleaned her wound up with a damp towel. 

"why are you telling me this?" he asked 

"i just thought it probably applied to you" she snickered 

"why? i didnt forget anything-" 

he cut himself off with a huge intake of air. he slowly turned his head to look at the screen which still had his stream going on. to make it worse, the camera was on and they were both clearly in the camera's field of view. 

to make things worse worse, his mic was on the whole time and the live chat was in shambles. 

"i hate it here" he sighed 

kenma laid his head on her lap as he continued on patching her up, honestly not caring that this whole scene was being recorded for thousands or millions of people to see. 

"well, atleast the internet could finally see my beauty before i die" she laughed 

she ran her fingers through kenma's hair as he grumbled under his breath. kenma was a pretty private person. he made sure not to overshare, given his current 'influencer' status. and he was planning on keeping his relationship a secret, though it seems he can't do that anymore. 

"might as well say hi" she shrugged 

so of course, she then decided to walk up to the camera looking utterly dishevelled and roughed up. 

for context, the newly wrapped bandages around her stomach was being stained already by a crimson red hue and it was only getting worse the more she moved, undoubtedly messing up her wound. 

"hi, im kenma's girlfriend and if i see you flirting with him i will make you regret it" she grinned 

"y/n!" kenma groaned from the bed "you're close to dying right now, turn the stream off" 

ignoring him, she proceeded to read the veiwers' comments, laughing at some of them while she joked around. 

╭─━━━━━━━━━━━━─╮

user: heLLO?!?! 

user: GE HAS A GIRLFRIEND NOOO

user: bruh, did i just hear that right? were you fuckin stabbed? 

user: ur kinda hot tho

╰─━━━━━━━━━━━━─╯

kenma furrowed his brows as he reluctantly walked up behind her, reading the comments with varying reactions 

╭─━━━━━━━━━━━━─╮

user: well damn, hot bloody girl comes in and suddenly im lesbian

user: kenma looks so done

kuroo.tetsu: hi y/n ;) 

user: HER NAME IS Y/N

╰─━━━━━━━━━━━━─╯

"jesus christ shut up, kuroo" kenma grumbled out with a sigh 

"yup! yup! im y/n, and no, i am not a criminal. i swear." she shook her head 

"i got an injury from my job, that's all." she cleared up 

╭─━━━━━━━━━━━━─╮

user: tangina nyo sana ol

user: MSKAKAKKA

user: THIS IS LOWKEY ICONIC

user: time to scratch another gamer boy off my possible bf list 😔

user: girl wtf happened to u

user: that's wack bro 🚶‍♀️

╰─━━━━━━━━━━━━─╯

"great question, random person from the internet!" she beamed "see, what happened was.." 

"i went on a certain mission and got severely injured. though, when i called for help nobody responded" she said 

kenma furrowed his brows at her words. "why didn't anybody respond?" he asked. she sighed and fiddled with her torn bandages, pouting her lips as she does so. 

"well, when i told them that i was finally on death's door, all they said to me was 'congratulations!' and all that.." she said "what's your take on that, hm?" she asked kenma 

"im not surprised" he said 

she grinned at his words and leaned in for a kiss. "you're so mean to me, kenma~" she whined 

she licked her lips as she held his blushing face in her hands, she nuzzled their noses as she leaned in closer to him. 

╭─━━━━━━━━━━━━─╮

kuroo.tetsu: oh shit 😳

user: we all know where this is heading ;) 

user: sana ol talaga punyemas 

user: AYO CHILL 

user: why we goin so fuckin fasstttt 😳

╰─━━━━━━━━━━━━─╯

kenma hastily turned the camera off as soon as y/n's lips touched his. 

"kitten, were still- hmph-" 

he was only silenced as she slipped her tongue in his mouth, smirking lightly as she ran her fingers through his hair 

"thanks babe." she said as she pulled away, giving him a soft peck on his cheek and a nod "anyways.." she hummed as she turned the camera on once again 

she looked through the chat while kenma slaps his face to get rid of his blush. 

╭─━━━━━━━━━━━━─╮

user: ur fuckin freaky 

kuroo.tetsu: oya oya 😼😼

user: MS MAAM I JUST MET U AND I LOVE U ALREADY WJABSJSJJS

user: not me blushing chiiilllleeeeee 🏃‍♀️

user: KENMA IS FLUSTERED

kuroo.tetsu: kenma, i didnt expect this from u 😼

user: im so fucking JEALOUS GRR😡

user: girl r u bleeding rn 😃

╰─━━━━━━━━━━━━─╯

upon reading a certain comment, she subconsciously grazed her fingers against her bandaged wound. her eyes slightly widening as she felt a concerning amount of wetness seeping through

she glanced at kenma who was still calming himself down and inspected her wound 

"oh my.." she muttered, though she couldn't help but let a smile slip through 

so like any normal person would do, she simply ignored her bleeding wound and the fact that she was getting a bit lightheaded. haha <3

"anyways, let's answer some questions!" she beamed 

╭─━━━━━━━━━━━━─╮

user: what's ur full name

user: what's ur job miss girl 

user: are you possibly looking for a gf, because i am more 

than willing to take the spot 🚶‍♀️

user: how did you meet?? 

╰─━━━━━━━━━━━━─╯

"alright, those are all very nice questions" she chuckled. kenma, who's now calmed down, sat down beside her to look at the chat. 

"first, im l/n y/n" she mused "nice to meet ya" 

"second im a detective! mhm, im cooler than your fathers" 

"third, it depends, belladonna" she cooed as she sent the camera flirty smirk "are you perhaps willing to join me in a double suicide?" 

"oh god.." kenma grumbled. he pouted at her and shook his head in disapproval. "don't flirt with random girls" he whined 

"why not?" 

"uh- because i am your beloved boyfriend, is that not good enough of a reason??" 

"... anyways, we met at a cafe way back in high school" she said with a smile "also, i asked him to join me on a double suicide" she said 

she was smiling and nodding as if it was the most normal thing in the world, all while kenma nods along 

╭─━━━━━━━━━━━━─╮

user: wtf are u okay 🗿

kuroo.tetsu: teenage romance 🤩

user: cute ❤️

user: im concerned ❤️

user: ur a detective?? cool

user: LMAOO I'LL GO ON A DOUBLE SEWER SLIDE 

WITH U MOMMY 😩😩😋

user: ^^ SAME 😩

user: CHOKE ME WITH THOSE BANDAGES MOMMAE 😩

user: u r still bleeding 🚶‍♀️        

╰─━━━━━━━━━━━━─╯

kenma was simply glaring at the chat as more compliments and flirtatious comments came flowing in, all of which were directed to his girlfriend. 

"this is why i didn't wanna let people know about you.." kenma grumbled 

"aww, why not?" she asked with a playful pout 

"people are flirting with you." he sighed "also, stop asking for my girlfriend's onlyfans! she doesn't even have one!" he snarled

╭─━━━━━━━━━━━━─╮

user: LMAOO CATBOY IS ANGRY 😩

user: y/n-senpai spit on me 😡😡

user: drop the onlyfans 

user: chupapi munyanyo 😩

╰─━━━━━━━━━━━━─╯

"anyways, i'd hate to ruin the mood" she chimed in with a sluggish giggle "but im so wet kenma" she whined out 

a menacing smirk was etched on her lips as kenma spluttered in response, a bright red hue covering his face almost instantly as he faced her with widened eyes 

"y-y/n! why would you say that?!" he whisper shouted 

"cuz i am" she whined out as she grabbed his hand and trailed it down her abdomen 

she faced the camera and gave them a shit-eating grin as kenma mumbled out incoherent words 

"y/n we should-" he cut himself off as he felt the concerning amount of blood drip down his whole arm 

kenma's face paled as he looked up to see her smiling like a kid in a candy store, completely unbothered. 

"y/n, you idiot! why didn't you tell me!" kenma exclaimed 

"um- my girlfriend is bleeding. excessively. so uh- bye i guess" it was all he said before hastily ending his stream and turning off his computer. 

"y/n, let's get you to a hospital" he said as he reached down to carry her away. though she simply slapped his hands off and closed her eyes. 

"nope. this is my time, kenma. don't ruin it for me" she said 

"you're fucking dying!!" 

"well, would you like to join me?" 

"no"

"damn." she muttered in response 

"so...wanna fuck?" she asked sheepishly 

"for the love of god-" 

this was so messy :/

[katieraven]

sleep is so tough

Summary: your attempt at dealing with losing Bucky is unsuccessful and results in a sleepless night - for several reasons.

Characters: James "Bucky" Barnes/female reader

Warnings: angst!!, happy ending (because I can't write sad endings for the life of me), a lot of metaphors, thoughts about death, loss and grieving, a tiny description of a panic attack

Word count: 3227

Notes: @babycap you wonderful human! 600 followers is huge and i am very happy about this fic. the prompt was: "I wanna be in your touch / Sleep is so tough" - James Bay, Chew On My Heart and I wrote a lil something that i'm kinda happy with. do enjoy!

love,

katie

It’s the same nightmare. You recognise it from the last three weeks, you’ve been here before. Doesn’t make it easier to shake out of it. You watch him convulse, face torn and twisted somewhere between pain and the desperate attempt to keep his free will. The fight against the venomous words the HYDRA agent hurls at him. They’re like daggers, needles stuck into his brain, rewiring him. And all you can do is watch. You are frozen in place in the torture your subconsciousness puts you through. Again. And again. And again.

You can’t will your eyes to tear away from him. He snarls like a cornered animal at the agents around him. Then the final words. “грузовой вагон“. Freight car. You don’t know Russian, but those ten phrases have been burned into your brain. You could recite them in your sleep.

Bucky stills. He slowly stands up from his crouched position, cold stare fixed onto the speaking agent. “Я готов отвечить“.

You startle awake, the nightmare finally loosening its grasp on your consciousness. Immediately, your hands fly to the other side of the bed. It is cold and empty and your stomach drops when realisation hits you like a punch to the gut.

This is not a nightmare. At least not entirely, no. It is a memory. Because you saw the footage. You saw Bucky convulse and bend and snap and straighten. And you saw Steve, heard his scream as Sam pulled him away, forcing him to leave his best friend in the hands of his torturers. Steve knows it was the right thing to do. You do, too. The thought of Bucky being all alone behind enemy lines still makes your breath hitch in your throat, though.

They didn’t want you to see the footage, it wasn’t supposed to be something you get confronted with. But you slipped into the room, originally meaning to talk to Natasha about some software to try out in the next mission. They didn’t notice you entering, eyes trained on a screen, FRIDAY running facial recognition in the background. They kept playing the footage over, and over, and over, and again, looking for any kind of clue as to where they could find him, until your knees gave out under you and you fell with a whimper leaving your throat. Natasha was the first to understand the situation. Steve let out a string of colourful curses you would have never stopped teasing him about, hadn’t you been trying to wrap your mind around what you just saw.

If you had known they were back already, you would have noticed him missing and asked. But you didn’t even know they were back. And then he was gone.

You finally open your eyes. The New York night tints the white ceiling a blueish sort of grey and you feel like someone painted the inside of your heart onto the concrete. A perfect replica. Grey inside. Empty. Broken and alone, left to try and fail to put yourself back together.

Your fingers curl into a fist around the cold and empty bedsheets. They have been empty for three weeks now, and your body has no tears left to give. So you lie there, silent sobs violently breaking free from the void that is your chest. Sometimes you don’t know if your heart is beating, still, and your hands can’t find it in them to check. It wouldn’t be so bad to die, you think. There’s not much keeping you here.

Steve visits every few days. He carries the same hollow look in his eyes, like someone snuffed out the light behind them and carelessly forgot to turn it back on. With the sole difference that he is better at hiding it. It is only when he thinks nobody is watching that the sticky navy blue ink that is grief seeps into his face and turns his eyes empty and his face pale. You don’t mention it.

You know it’s supposed to help, sharing grief. Which is why you open the door when he visits, and don’t turn him away. He needs it, too, you suppose. So you sit on your sofa in front of the tv and watch something stupid and mindless that none of you pay attention to and both of you pretend to find acutely intriguing whenever the other is looking.

It’s all a giant game of pretend. SHIELD is feigning confidence in finding him. Everyone else oozes positivity whenever they talk about the mission. But it’s false, and hollow, and the truth of it sneers at you through translucent optimism.

You turn your head to look at the alarm clock on your bedside table. 4:36 a.m. That means you slept an astonishing three hours. That’s two more than yesterday. You’re not afraid of the nightmares anymore. You know they will come. The terror shaking you night after night has become a companion, just as the grief following closely in everything you do. It looms over you at night, hides in the shadows behind the furniture in your living room, joined by Steve’s whenever he’s there.

You were afraid to fall asleep, yes. Pulled two all-nighters in the first days after. By now you have learned to read the signs your body so openly presents you with and you know you will not fall asleep again tonight. So you lie there, hand splayed over the empty right side of the bed, eyes staring through the ceiling.

Fuck, you miss him. It rolls over you unexpectedly and your body seizes, curling up into a fetal position as your obviously alive and beating heart pumps sharp agony through your veins. He is gone. You know, of course, you understood before and this feeling is familiar, but for the first time, it truly settles inside you. Bucky is gone.

The man you imagined a future with, who handed you his broken and bruised heart and trusted you to fix it, is gone. The charming wooden home near the sea you always talked about when his nightmares were too much and too real slowly turns to dust between your grasping fingers. You feel it slip. The bell-like high pitched laughter of a young child evaporating in your mind.

You feel your heart break. There has been a dull ache in your chest for weeks. You’ve gotten used to it, embraced it into your menagerie of demons and ghosts, grief and loss. But it betrays you, right now, as you feel your heart pound against the cage of your ribs, and it burns. You still lie curled into yourself, blanket tangled between your legs. You will explode. You feel it with a new certainty, this will kill you. You breathe in and out, you know you do, but none of the air arrives in your lungs. It leaves you desperately gasping for oxygen.

Until you realise none of it is real. Because your heart is not here in your room with you, your heart lies in the mismatched hands of a broken soldier somewhere between here and the sea. It can’t kill you here, because there is an organ-sized hole in your chest and the coldness of the world tears at your exposed ribcage with icy shrapnel-sharp claws. Does it bleed? If so, you can’t feel the warmth. Blood is warm, right? Bucky always said it is.

You exhale slowly. Will your seizing muscles to relax, to let you go. To your surprise they do, and you inhale again, cold night air. It doesn’t yet escape through the wound in your chest. The hole hasn’t reached your lungs yet. But you know it will consume you, leave no part of you untouched, unbroken, will rip you apart for all your demons to finally feast on what is left of you.

Maybe he will find you first, you muse. Maybe HYDRA will find the last bit of mercy in them and send him after you, to cut his strings. You know you will not fight when he does. It would be a sweet oblivion with his eyes the last thing you see. Grey irises like molten silver when the sunlight hits just right.

Your arms fold against your chest. The skin is whole, not a scratch, no bleeding wound. You know it can’t be true. It is simply your minds way of processing this pain. Your imagination fixed the hole but you know it’s still there, still gaping. You can feel the edges burning where the hole ends and the marred skin starts. But you live. Still this broken body carries you on, one day after another.

You sit up in your sheets, hair plastered against your forehead by the thin film of sweat covering your body. As your back straightens, the metallic clinking of dog tags root you into this reality and you pull them out from under one of Bucky’s black shirts you’re wearing.

“Keep these,” he murmurs and presses something hard into your open palm. You look down and see the two thin pieces of metal piled on top of each other, embossed letters spelling his name, his full name. Your stunned eyes flicker back up into his and you open your mouth to protest, but he shushes you with a finger.

“It’s not like I need them. If I die, this thing” – he gestures to his arm – “will tell everyone who I am. But I want you to have these.”

Your thumb smoothes over the plates, shoving them against each other. “I mean … I won’t complain, but why do you …?”

He shrugs, embarrassment tinting his cheeks. “I don’t know, I guess it feels like a part of me stays with you, y’know? A physical part. So that you have something real to hold onto until I’m back.”

It hits you, then, that he’s leaving. He picks the tags up and puts them around your neck and you reach for his hands, fingers closing around his forearms. “Don’t leave me, Bucky. Please, I can’t lose you –“

He puts his hands on either side of your face and kisses your nose, before looking directly at you. “You won’t lose me, you hear? I’ll always be with you. Always.”

But now he’s gone, and you close your fist around the metal tags until they push into your palms, and harder until they cut the delicate skin. You want to be angry at him but you can’t. It’s not his fault. It’s not his fault he couldn’t keep his promise.

You steady your breathing. Eyes wander to the red numbers on your alarm. 5:23. No use trying to sleep anymore, you decide, and sit up. Might as well make coffee. Maybe you can get something done today. Clean the laundry up at least, so Steve doesn’t have this awfully concerned look on his face next time he visits.

It takes you a couple of minutes to actually, physically, move. In your mind you’re already in the kitchen, filling the coffee maker with water and watching the coffee slowly dribble into the pot below. It has something therapeutic, one drop at a time. Almost meditative.

But, well, you do have to walk over into the kitchen to reach this point of short-lived meditative oblivion. So you swing your legs over the edge of the bed, and your eyes fall onto the covered mirror in the corner. It’s floor-length, and you used to love being able to admire your whole outfit in there without having to stand on your tiptoes.

Like that one time before one of Tony’s extravagant galas, when you tried to get a good look at yourself and the glamourous dress that, as Natasha had pointed out, would look amazing on your figure. She had been right – naturally. But the tiny mirror in your bathroom hadn’t shown the whole thing and so you were leaning over the sink to try and look. Which was exactly the moment Bucky chose to walk into the room, only to promptly wear an affectionately amused smirk on his face, assuring you of your otherworldly beauty (“Oh come on, Buck, don’t mock me – “ “I’m not, you are otherworldly, doll, dazzling even!”) and pointing out that you were in desperate need of a floor-length mirror.

In the first few days of Bucky’s absence, you hung a bedsheet over it because you couldn’t bear the memory. In fact, you can’t recall the last time you actually looked at yourself. With utmost certainty, though, you can say that your skin must be grey and sunken and the darkened circles under your eyes a deeper shade of purple than when you were knee-deep in college finals. God, that time seems ages away. If you hadn’t gone to college then maybe you wouldn’t be in this situation – you would have certainly never ended up at SHIELD. For a second you wish you hadn’t. This pain would not be part of your reality, then.

But then again, you wouldn’t have met him at all. And as much as this, right now, hurts, you wouldn’t trade it with any reality in the universe if it meant not knowing him. Not loving him. Not knowing his deepest, darkest secrets that he only opened up about after one particularly bad nightmare, with his head in your lap, not daring to meet your eyes.

No, if this pain is the price for his love then you will take it. You will let it eat at you until there is nothing left except your hollowed shell of a body because it will have been worth it.

You walk past the covered mirror and open the door, bare feet against the cold kitchen floor. You go to reach for the coffee maker when something registers with you. Something out of place, a slight inconsistency in your regulated, never-changing surroundings. You barely see it in your periphery.

Your movements still and your head slowly turns toward what is undoubtedly someone sitting in your living room. The moonlight glints on his left shoulder and you realise, within the smallest fractions of a second, who it is.

The hollow excuse for a heart that sits in your chest sputters and stills, before springing back into action twice as fast. He came back.

A steady stillness settles over you as you understand the situation. They sent him. Loose ends and all. Yet you’re not afraid, this death will be quick and quiet. It gives you an odd sensation of peace, to know that his will be the last face you see – even if it is the Winter Soldier’s face. But they’re still Bucky’s eyes.

“It’s okay”, you whisper.

His intent gaze never leaves you as you slowly, deliberately walk towards him, step by step. You know that Bucky is in there, too, and you need him to understand that you accept this. That it is not his fault. That you are ready to die if it is at his hands.

There is an unusual uncertainty in the Soldier’s eyes. You have seen footage of him, cold expression, a sort of stone-hearted efficiency about his movements, never a step too much. He has not moved yet. You feel every bit of skin on your feet connecting to the wooden floor as you move towards him, slowly, but steadily. If this is how you are meant to go, then you will.

You’re only three feet away from him as you stop. His eyes followed you all the way there. Now they start to flicker over your face, your body, confusion slowly but definitely showing in the crinkles on his forehead. He opens his mouth and you hold your breath.

“I –“, it comes out croaky, like he hasn’t used his voice in forever, so he clears his throat and starts again.

“I know you.”

Your lungs deflate, shakily. He hasn’t killed you yet. If he hasn’t killed you yet, why is he here? The Winter Soldier doesn’t hesitate. The uncertainty in his face sparks something deep, deep inside of you that you thought dead by now. Hope.

His eyes find their way back to your face and he is searching it now, not the stoic, cold mask of the Winter Soldier. You don’t dare speak. The fingers of his left hand flex with an electric whirr.

“I know you, but …” he trails off.

His right fist opens, fingers seemingly involuntarily reaching out. You step closer and lower yourself down, bare knees on the wood flooring, eyes not leaving his.

“I remember you.”

His voice is steadier now, more confident that he does, in fact, know you. That there is something inside his brain, something more than just the Soldier. More than just the missions. Just the trigger.

His hand, the real one, reaches towards your face and you close your eyes upon contact, a shaky breath leaving your lips. His index and middle finger trail across your cheekbone. Follow the curve of your lips. Trace your eyebrows. Your eyes flicker open and your breath gets caught in your throat because there he is, there he is, his eyes his own.

“Bucky –“

His name leaves your lips, a choked sob partially escaping. He blinks. Still, his eyes are his own. His lips part and then he whispers your name and you are certain this is a dream. A change of pace from the violent nightmares of late, but still a dream, because this can’t be true. How could it be.

But the hardwood floor is rough against your knees and his hand is warm against your cheek and he is there. He slides off the chair onto the ground before you and you feel hot tears spill from your open, disbelieving eyes. His other hand reaches for your face and then he’s holding you there, so unbelievably gentle, his eyes tortured and lined in purple but undeniably his own.

“You came back”, is the first real thing you say to him.

His thumb smoothes over the dark bruise under your eye, proof of sleepless nights and tired days.

“I’m so sorry”, is the first thing he says to you in his own voice.

You close your eyes, lids pushing tears over the edge and you let them drip down onto your bare thighs as you shake your head, a soft smile on your lips.

“There is nothing you need to be sorry about. None of this was your fault.”

“I – you’re hurt”, he states, matter-of-factly, and your eyes open again.

You try and put everything into your eyes, everything you feel, the hope, the relief, the love. Most of all the love.

“But you’re back. That’s all that matters. Do you hear me?”

His grey irises swim with regret and pain and fear and yet you see love in them. You gently touch your forehead to his and he sighs, eyelids fluttering closed.

“I love you, and you’re back, and that’s all that matters.”

The cold seeps into your body from the floor, your knees scraping against the hardwood. Neither of you dares to move, the calm of the situation too delicate, neither sure if this is real or just a particularly cruel dream. But it is too beautiful to disturb and so both of you remain where you are, hands gently touching the other. Thankful for this moment of peace.

**

Forgot my taglist consisting of one wonderful person: @mannien

[ofgentleresolve-a]

3, 4, 9, 12

shhhh you didn't hear it from me ( ft. multimuse meme ) | still accepting!

3. which muse is the trickiest to get into character for?

yoojin for sure! most of my muses tend to be on the earnest side- what you see on the outside is probably what you'll get. yoojin is anything but that. he's a lot smarter and wiser than he lets on so i always struggle a little with balancing that maturity with his childish outlook.

4. is there a muse that not a lot of people roleplay with?

lamon, my hot mess child. although that's also my fault bc i'm wayyy behind on drafts. but yeah, i will say it may be a little more difficult to plot with him since he is more of a recluse than the other three, but if your muses become friends with him, i will cry out of joy. he's my darling muse, he deserves nothing but happiness.

( i'd also say it's bc he's ace and stupidly dense about romance, but again most of my muses are either on the ace spectrum or they have complicated relationships with sex so if someone's looking for that kind of content, i don't think this is the right blog for them to be looking at jskdlfjsldkjf )

9. why were you drawn to each one of your characters?

so mana, i've had for years and she's been thru many, many incarnations. it's only been this year when i've finally been able to cement her character and backstory. but i like her because she's so...vulnerable?? like she acts competent and acts very independent because that's what she wants u to see. but in reality, she's actually emotionally fragile. the thing is, she's trying to become stronger in spite of that and i think it's interesting that her way of doing so is by softening and unlearning which i don't think i see a lot of in western media character arcs.

ray manifested as a result of my love for cooking shows both fiction and non-fiction. i can't cook all that well but i sure do love watching the process and i love seeing the final result...maybe one day it'll motivate me to cook more sjdklfjs but yeah!! that and he's the first genuinely cheerful oc i've made. like, no hiding any sadness, he's genuinely living a good life even if he does have insecurities about his cooking.

lam, oh lam. i have a soft spot for him. i like to think his character development kinda parallels my own personal development. his storyline used to be a hell lot darker and he was a lot more vulnerable. and then i realized, i get sad just thinking about him like that and i don't think i'm the right person to tell that story so let's give him a storyline that's a little lighter and personality that's a little more vivacious...i like that he has this idgaf attitude but really he's a softie and he's v passionate about his plants. he just wants FRIENDS IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK

and finally, but not least yoojin! he's a bit more of a mystery to me still, but i'd say he has a personality that i personally find very attractive? like he's patient, kind, and very wise, but also he KNOWS how to have fun. he's a bad boy without the shitty attitude. think of season 3 aang- that was one of my biggest inspirations for him outside of zeno from akatsuki no yona.

12. what is something everyone should know about your muses before interacting?

that it's easy to be bitter and cynical about just about anything in life. it takes a strong person to be kind, open, and trusting over what life has to offer. each of them are trying to do just that.

okay on a more technical level, i guess just know they're all chaotic dummyasses in their own unique ways and if you match that energy, we'll get along swimmingly!

[antigoneidk]

hiii❤️could i request tom x reader where she is a famous singer and her and tom breaks up and she realizes the song dead(by madison beer) and she says "you said u can't live without me" cuz she remembers when tom told her that and after she says "why aren't u dead..." and tom heard of the lyrics and he tries to commit suicide but the reader goes at his house and she founds him and it's like very angst😣😭😭

Dead|t.h.

A/N : thank you for your request. Also I tried to switch from 2nd person to 3rd at some point for a little so I hope it's okay.Enjoy❣

Warnings : language,mentions of suicide,angst

_

"You think isn't hard for me?Leaving and going on tour without seeing you for months? I'm trying to be happy Tom,I love my job. Why are you doing this now?"your eyes filled with tears,blurring your vision. He was standing across the room,away from you.

"I just can't doing this anymore. The distance is too much for me y/n. And I don't even know what are you doing there alone." his fingers running down his curls,messing his hair. You walked faster towards him and you slapped him in his cheek forcing him to turn his face. The sound made you close your eyes but his words broke your heart in billion pieces. How could he think such a thing? You never thought of cheating,ever. You loved him so much to hurt him like that. You missed him every day,every second. Your songs were about him,your feelings in words you couldn't speak but only sing.

"That's what are thinking of me?That I cheated on you? I-I...you just hurt me with the worst way possible"you passed him away and your tears escaped and covered your face and neck. You wanted to scream,break stuff around you,cry hard.

"Stop doing like this. I didn't say that you cheated on me. But what I'm supposed to think if your miles away from me? Facetime,photos and voice messages don't work and you know it too. It hurts me when I can't touch you,hold you,kiss you."his hands tried to approach you but your body moved back. You couldn't think at that moment.

"It hurts me too and I thought you knew. But to think of this? I can't believe you"

"I'm scared that you are going to leave me one day all fucking alone"his tears showed up but his anger was worse. His tone was mean and abusive"I am trying to stay positive but loneliness hits hard when you are by yourself inside these fucking four walls. Even my friends can't help me"his hands moving with his words. He was angry only to cover how sad and broken he actually was. What was he even doing?

"I know it"you yelled at him. Your voice cracked and a sob left your lungs"I feel the same every second I'm away. But don't say that I didn't try. I told you to come with me and you denied for who knows what reason. So don't be an asshole now"your arms were now crossed to your chest.

"Babe,I have no idea what is going on with me. I'm sorry"how his mind can change in a second?

"No. Don't touch me"you pushed him far away from you"You can't just hurt me like that and then saying you're sorry. You don't mean it"you left again but you were now moving to the front door ready to leave.

"You don't have to leave now"he grabbed your arm with anger so that he can stop you"When I say I'm sorry I mean it y/n. And where are you even going huh? Stay so that we can talk"

"The only person you have to talk is yourself. Make a choice. I hurt myself trying to love you and your indecisiveness. What do you want?"you asked him. Did he wanted to be with you or not? You sounded indignant.

He says he loves you but he thinks that you cheat.

"Go away"that was it? He wanted you to leave?"Don't come back"You didn't say anything. Tears in your eyes once more showing how weak you were.You left running away and crying as loud as possible. Not giving a damn if someone could hear you.

You left a scream once you closed the door of your car.

Anger. Sadness.

Two emotions that had you fucked up for days.

"I can't live without you my love"

"And I don't even know what are you doing there alone"

"I love you"

"Go away"

His voice haunted you like a ghost. Your voicemail full. His texts, drunk words full of regret. Then texts with hate you's.Your mind couldn't process this.

Why was he like this? Two different personalities in a body. It was like you had a relationship with two people and not one. The one loved you,cared for you,missed you. The other thinking you cheat,lie,never care for him. It sounded to you like this was a part of him that was scared. Maybe you weren't showing you loved him enough.

And then memories with him saying sweet things,making promises,talking about a better future. Everything was falling apart,slipping through your hands.

You wanted to write,escape. The only way you could keep yourself from the complete distraction. The only way you could express the pain,the sadness were into. He was your muse even for this. The inspiration you always needed.

_

Tom's eyes scanning the other cars around him,trying to escape his own thoughts. Raindrops hitting his car,breaking the silence that made him breath hard.

One month,he thought. Her things still in his place,the ghost of her following him in every corner. He was feeling her stare behind him,burning piece by piece his body. Flower perfume smelling in the house. Her laugh coming through the walls,giving him warmth. Her touch giving him chills. Her lips keeping company to his lonely ones.

I hate you,I hate you.

The only phrase in his sober mind. Why she'd left him like that? Did she wanted to? She didn't say a thing. A single word. She just left him there hopeless, alone. She had to fight. Stay there and fight right? If she was right,that what she was supposed to do.

I love you,I love you.

The alcohol running through his veins. He missed her but she was right. She had to be free and happy. Things she apparently didn't feel anymore by his side. The best thing he had to do is to let her go. Even if he didn't want to.

His fingers searching for music. The radio on,help him survive from his sadness he was drowning into.

"And right after her tour, y/n y/l/n is already giving us new music. She-"

Just her name could distract him from everything. New song. She never talked about it. He was the first one to hear her voice singing words that only tears could bring him. She trusted him. She anticipated his thoughts for every song and album,before the whole world.He was her muse and the only one that his opinion mattered to her. Until now.

"Do you think is about her recent break up? People are going crazy" this woman's voice made Tom think again. Their break up? She wrote a song about their break up?

"That's what I thought too when I heard it but let's hear it again. This is Dead by y/n y/l/n"

The beat. He stopped his car and stayed there staring at the sky.

"You could be here but you're there,you could be anywhere and these days I don't even care"

After days her voice was real to his ears. Deep,full of pain. His fault.

"You only be showing me love whenever you've had too much"

Did he acted like this?

"Yeah, tryna fuck me and my mind up,it's a reminder you're a liar and you know I'm right"

She was right. He knew it.

"You say you can't live without me.So why aren't you dead yet?Why you still breathing?"

He recalled his words.

"I can't live without you my love. How can I live without seeing your beautiful eyes every morning when I wake up or every night before I sleep with you in my arms? How can I live without hearing your sweet voice talking and whispering to me words I need to hear? Singing for me? How can I live without having you touch me,dancing around the living room,making love to you? How can I live without your love,the only reason i breath for? You're like a drug to me. I'm addicted to you the more you're here with me,the more your eyes meet mine,the more you speak to me,the more your hands are all over my body. I'm nothing without you do you hear me?"his hands to her cheeks wiping her little tears away. She was holding him so tight,not letting him leave. Their lips connected,not letting one another. This was the air the needed. One another.

His tears never stopped falling as he kept listening to her words. The pain she let her go through.

"And I give you so many shots but you just drinking 'em all,you never give it a thought, oh love"

He was now seeing it clearly,how he took her love for granted

"Say only what you mean"

He couldn't live without her. He meant it although she thought he didn't.

"Mean to me then you're nice,you're nice,you're nice"

The anger took over him that night. That night he wanted to erase from his memory for ever. Words he never meant to say to her,making her feel bad. How the hell the thought of her cheating crossed his mind? She was the one that loved him like no one else. And he just pushed her.

He wanted to pretend that it was a bad dream. A nightmare. He would wake up and she would be next to him,holding him close to her body,kissing him,telling that it was a dream and everything was alright.Fuck he missed her.

"Why,why,why,why?"

He punched the steering wheel on front of him,screaming the name that was avoiding for a month.

Why did he do that to her? Why did he have to push the person he loved the most far away from him? Why did he not fought for it more? Why did he not stopped loving her?

He started questioning his decisions. So many mistakes,so many bad choices,so many wrong people,except his girl. The girl that wasn't his anymore. Or wouldn't be any time soon.

What was the point of living then? He failed his family,his friends,the person that was in love with. She was the one that could save him from the confusion in his mind,that could help him survive from the disaster he caused to everyone around him. All of his tears couldn't bring her back to him. She was not longer his,but free.

He was now driving to his home,his blurry vision make it difficult to drive. His hands squeezing the steer hard, turning the color to bright white just like his bones. The only thing to his brain

Death. A solution to his problem. A way to escape from this prison he locked himself.

None of the people would care for him. Not the people he wanted to care for him. One specific he needed the most now to take the pain away. To whisper to his ear,kiss him. Not even an angel was able to compare to y/n,the angel he let go. And the fact that his name would never fall from her lips was a shame for him.

Every move was quicker that the other. Her pink toothbrush next to his blue one. Her perfume in his hands, smelling it one more time. Her beautiful eyes met his red tired ones through the big mirror. He left the tears run down his face, hoping she would take them away but when he blinked,she disappeared.

Pills over the sink now. He swallowed as many as he could to end this quicker.The pain in his chest. He sat down at the bathroom floor crying. Sweating falling from his forehead as he placed his hands behind his head.

Take me away

_

You opened the door quietly. He was nowhere near so you left a breath fall from your mouth. You wanted to take some of your stuff from this house.

The fight you had was happening right in front of your eyes. The tense,the anger,the nerves, the pain. You closed your eyes and moved to your bedroom.

"Let me make love to you"

His hands touching your body,leaving the need for more. The pleasure he only knew you needed. His hot breath hitting your skin,his kisses marking every inch of your skin and you moaning at that feeling. Your hands at his hair pulling him closer and closer,more into you. Becoming one.

Your hands pushing his clothes aside,taking yours putting them into your little bag. They smelled just like him. The whole room. You blinked once more,trying to prevent the teardrops. You felted his eyes on your back,increasing your heartbeat. But once you turned the wall seemed more cold that ever. You needed to cry at the bed,take his pillow and hug it as tight as possible. But you didn't have the time.

You opened the bathroom door. Pills everywhere. Your things untouched except your cologne. The whole room smelled flowers and you wanted to throw up at that smell. It was his favourite. You reminded him of flowers,birds,spring,the season of love.

And them as you came inside you found his body down,his head at the side,his eyes shut,and his chest moving slowly up and down. His hands rest at the side of his body,sweating all over his face. His curls at the middle.

You screamed. You sat down next to him with his head at your hands.

"Baby? Tom? My love? Tommy? Baby answer me."you cried out as he didn't respond to you."Why did you this? Why did you do that to yourself darling? Why?"

His eyes opened to met yours. Deep red,brown full of pain. He tried to smile but was to weak.You were responsible for that? You never saw him like this,ever. His right hand touched your face,scanning you for a while.

"I love you y/n"he couldn't speak. You were shaking now,terrified. He was dying in front of you.

"I need you to throw up for me. I am not letting you die no. Why,why?"you tried to save him. You were trying to. You called for help.He was throwing up. You held his head and hand tight.

"How many did you take?"you asked. He looked at you with tears. You stopped some of them and kissed his cheeks with your hands on his neck."Why my love?Why?"you felt hopeless.

"You don't love me anymore y/n and I can't live without you. Don't leave me."his voice cracked just like your heart did.You bit your lips,almost cutting them. The sight of him down weak,unable to talk or even look at you was heartbreaking for you. The love of your life was about to leave you.

You kissed his lips softly. They were dry,not how they used to. You felt him trying to kiss you back but not for long. You opened your eyes after worried,his breath kept getting worse and worse. "I love you,don't go"you hugged him and kept him close to you. He was going to survive. He had to survive. You would be by his forever,never leaving again and trying to make up for it.

Make up for all of his tears,his pain you made him feel. And you were responsible for.

________

let's pretend that the song wasn't about jack for a moment thankss

also I want to mention that suicide is a very serious topic and is something we should take seriously.

Hope you like it and I'm sorry for any mistakes:)

[thedailyimagines]

December Special: Isaac Lahey 2

Anon requested: “can u do an imagine for isaac lahey x male reader w the song right by my side by nicki minaj”

.

Had to remove some of the lyrics due to length, but check out the full song! It’s Right By My Side by Nicki Minaj. This is the last requested songfic for a while. Hope you guys enjoy!

.

Y/p/n = your pet’s name

~~~~~~~~

It all comes down, to this. I miss your, morning kiss

I won't lie, I'm feeling it. You don't know, I'm missing it

I'm so gone, I'm must admit It's too much, to hold it in

I can't say no more than this

I just hope your heart hear me now

I let you know how I'm feeling

You own my heart, he just renting

Don't turn away, pay attention. I'm pouring out my heart oh boy

I-I, I'm not living life I'm not living right

I'm not living if you're not by my side

Ooh oh I-I, I'm not living life I'm not living right

I'm not living if you're not by my side Ooh oh

.

Collapsing on his bed, y/n laid with his face in the pillow. He was pissed off at Isaac. Y/n had been best friends with the other male since they were children, had being the key word. He understood why Isaac might not be the social type considering his father (especially now that Mr. Lahey was dead), but now he was flat out ignoring y/n.

Y/n had even tried to talk to Issac during lunch, but he was brushed off with a ‘not now’ and was pushed aside in favor of talking to new friends. Flipping over on his back, y/n stared up at the ceiling sadly. Isaac was his best friend, but also the guy y/n had been crushing on for the past two years. Looking over at the tank with his pet guinea pig, y/n smiled bitterly.

“I am the definition of bad romance movie right now, aren’t I?” Y/p/n just scurried around it’s tank without a care in the world. “Yeah, that sounds right. Boy has crush on best friend, best friend doesn’t know, boy is sad. I should write a book.”

Musing over the prospect of a book, y/n fell asleep. He dreamt of sharp teeth and howling. The howling in his dreams soon gave way to the annoying beeps of his alarm clock. Groaning at the prospect of going back to school, y/n got himself ready and headed out.

.

Let's meet at, our favorite spot

You know the one, right around the block

From a nice place, that you love to shop

Can you get away?

Care to sit down, let's talk it out

One on one, without a crowd

I wanna hold your hand

Make you laugh again, I need to be near you

Gotta let you know, how I'm feeling

Own my heart, and she just renting

Don't turn away, pay attention

I'm pouring out my heart girl

I-I, I'm not living life I'm not living right

I'm not living if you're not by my side

Ooh oh I-I, I'm not living life

I'm not living right

I'm not living if you're not by my side Ooh oh

.

Deciding not to sit alone in the buzzing noise of the cafeteria, y/n sat outside behind the bleachers. Him and Isaac used to eat out here to avoid Jackson and his band of asshole friends. Yeah it seemed pathetic, but it was quiet here and right now that was what y/n wanted.

He picked at his lunch, not really eating much of it more than making it look eaten. His mom would get worried if it wasn’t eaten. Moving to head to his next class, y/n paused at the sound of voices.

“I know that we need to fix this! But until we can figure out how to beat it, we’re useless!” Peeking out from his hiding place, y/n saw Isaac, Scott McCall, and a man with black hair conversing agitatedly. What the hell were they trying to beat?

“Look, the Kanima has to have a weakness. We just need to keep looking.” What was a Kanima? Was Isaac in a cult? Fuck, this was to much for y/n to process. Walking back quietly to where he was sitting, y/n finished gathering his things and walked out, acting like he hadn’t heard any of the conversation.

“Oh, hey Isaac. Am I interrupting something?” Isaac and Scott whirled around, the black haired male glaring at the newcomer.

“Y/n? What are you doing here?”

“I was eating lunch under the bleachers. What are you doing here and who is he?”

“This is Derek, a friend of mine. We were talking.”

“Cool. See you around.” Just the short interaction with his former best friend had made y/n’s heart ache. But he didn’t let it show, instead headed back to the school building.

Y/n swore he could feel Derek glaring at the back of his head.

.

'Cause he know that it'd be a wrap

When I'm riding it from the back

Wait, oh, let me see your phone

'Cause all them bitches is ratchet

And let me get in my truck

'Cause all them' bitches'll catch it

Wait wait wait, there I go again

I be trippin', I be flippin', I be so belligerent

Man this shit that we be fighting over so irrelevant

I don't even remember though I was probably hella bent, let's go

.

“Damn it!” Y/n threw the bouncy ball at the wall, only to have it bounce back and hit him square in the face. “Fuck! Ow ow ow...”

Why was he so angry? Because y/n had gotten stuck in a group project with none other than Isaac and Allison. Neither of them were being helpful and the project was due tomorrow. Leaving y/n to get everything together.

“They better not think their getting any credit for this shit, assholes couldn’t even bother with simple finding information.” To make matters even worse, today was the day y/n and Isaac had met (a day the two of them had always celebrated in some small way) and Isaac hadn’t even bothered to say hi.

Maybe it was time to drop Isaac as a friend. The thought made y/n’s heart break, but he saw no other option. It was clear that his best friend had moved on to ‘cooler’ friends. Y/n slumped down in his beanbag chair and put his face in his hands, tears silently falling. He didn’t want to lose his best friend, but it was too late for that now.

“And I love him. God do I love him. Why did it have turn out like this?” He wiped away the tears from his cheeks. Y/n decided he would finish up the project, email his teacher about his group mates, and sleep the pain away.

It would be back in the morning, but at least he could have a few hours away from it.

.

I-I, I'm not living life

I'm not living right

I'm not living if you're not by my side

Ooh oh I-I, I'm not living life

I'm not living right

I'm not living if you're not by my side Ooh oh

I-I ooh oh

I-I ooh oh

I-I ooh oh

If you're not by my side

I can't eat I-I-I-I

I can't sleep I-I-I-I

What I need I-I-I-I

Is you right by my side ah

~~~~~~~~

I don’t own the above gif, all credit goes to the owner.