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staytiny-angel · 5 years

Text

Safe Haven 2/?

Co-written with @scream-qween

Pairings: Drew McIntyre/Becky Lynch, Eventually Drew McIntyre/Becky Lynch/Seth Rollins, Jon Moxley/Renee Young, Sasha Banks/Bayley/Charlotte Flair

Warnings: Violence, Language

Word Count: 1799

Summary: After an 8-year absence, 25-year-old Seth Rollins returns home to his pack but in no way resembling the Beta Werewolf that ran away after a violent misunderstanding with his brothers.

Seth is feral, and trapped in a form the bitten wolf shouldn't even be capable of, it turns out that he is the victim of a powerful curse that would make him a mindless slave.

Meanwhile Alpha Werewolf Drew McIntyre and his Part Banshee, Part Sea Witch mate Becky Lynch have joined the unorthodox pack of Haven in search of the final member of the Triad a seer told the pair they were destined to be apart of.

Taglist: @sethsevolution @feathers-and-flesh-and-wrestling @deepdisireslonging @writtingrose @pikapuff316 @hitory--chan @finnsauroraborealis @the-beastslayers-queen

Becky slowly walked toward the cage, not taking her eyes away from the deadly predator currently staring at her with golden-brown eyes. Kneeling next to her mate she took his hand in hers and hesitantly reached through the thick sliver infused bars with the other.

Seth lifted his massive body up to sniff almost delicately at her hand before whining in the back of his throat and laying back down.

"I believe that's a 'Yes, you can touch me', Spitfire" Drew says with a slight smile.

Becky took a deep breath and reached into the bars again waiting until Seth lifted his head up to smell it once more. "If he bites me, I'm killing Reigns" she muttered. Much to her surprise however, Seth let out a content like a sigh and nudged her hand with his snout.

"He let you touch him?!" Roman exclaimed in surprise, causing Seth to growl at the sound of his big brother's voice

"Shut the fuck up, Alpha," Becky said quietly, "If he bites me I'll fucking drown you, dry land or no"

"Shhh, It's okay." Becky uncharacteristically cooed gently at the trapped wolf "That big dumb brother of yours won't say another fucking word."

Becky started to chant underneath her breath and an ocean blue light surrounded both the hand holding Drew's and the one she had placed on Seth's head.

Seth closed his eyes, sighing, revealing dark brown eyes, as Becky's magic faded. "Becky!" Drew yelled as the redhead almost collasped. "I'm fine, he's fine"

Seth barked in response, wagging his tail. "Fucking dork" Roman chuckled

"You might want to get the siren" Becky said shaking her head to clear it. "That curse is a fucked up thing, it's powered from his life energy. I managed to block it from siphoning more off of him but I don't know how long my shield will last"

Becky stood up and flipped the latches on the cage door and opened it. Seth practically lept at the redhead knocking her back down

"Becky!" Drew called out

"I'm okay," Becky said on an almost giggle as the 400-pound werewolf licked her face and nuzzled at her like an overgrown puppy

The sounds of footsteps pounded down the basement stairs as Hunter, Stephanie, Mox and another heavily bearded man with an acoustic guitar strapped across his back filled the basement

"Hey baby brother," Mox said as Seth ran over to him, Stephanie petting his head. Roman slowly got up and left, Seth noticing and whining. "He's wondering about that" Elias said, sounding bored. "Give him time to adjust honey, he hasn't forgiven himself"

Seth yipped in response shaking his head "You've been gone a long time doll, shit changes." Elias told him before sitting cross-legged in front of the wolf and placing a hand on Seth's head, a green glow surrounding both of them. "Whatever shield you put up against the curse...magic can get through to him easily now." He says to Becky

"Don't get used to this, brat." The acerbic man tells Seth, "You owe me free coffee and a place to perform for the rest of my life once you get your shop up and running. No offense to Cesaro, but his coffee will never be as good as yours"

Seth somehow managed to make an expression of disgust and grunted at the siren

"Now you and your Alpha will hold up your end of the bargain?" Drew asked Mox.

"Sure, if you like sharing your food with a pair of vampires" Mox replied with a shit-eating grin

"WHAT?! You betray our kind" Drew snapped, Seth, stepping in between them and barking.

"He says thank you for helping him but please don't disrespect his family, ANY of his family," Elias says to Drew quietly

"Violet babysat him when he was little" Stephanie says "Finn played Lego with him, they are his family. We only found him in the woods because Violet smelled the blood from the mansion" the older witch shook her head.

"If Violet and Finn had been anything other then Vampires, they absolutely would have raised him themselves. It broke their hearts just as much as ours when he left" Hunter added

Seth whined "Oh yeah kid, you're in deep shit. Queenie is gonna get you for running off like a little bitch" Elias says with a nasty smirk

Seth looked down guiltily and nudged his brother. Mox immediately began petting his head. "Who did this to you?" Drew asked Seth who barked in response

"What?!" Elias' magic flashed poison green before settling back into a more mellow shade "Paul Heyman?! He says he went looking for his birth parents. He wanted to know where he came from...about a year ago he got in a fight with Heyman's pet monster and ended up like this. Hold on you've been like this for a fucking year?!" Elias exclaimed "You were trapped in full shift for a year. You were only feral for 3 months the best that you can guess?"

Seth whined, and looked down. "Seth, honey. Why didn't you tell me? I could have found them" Stephanie said.

"He didn't want to" Mox said. "That's what we fought about. I said that they were probably dead. Ro...he said he'd be turning his back on us if he went looking for them. Roman lost his temper and attacked him, that's why Seth ran"

Seth howled "I'm sorry little brother. I...shouldn't have said that bullshit." Mox says dropping to the ground and wrapping his arms around his brother.

"That's where I know that curse from" Stephanie says quietly "Heyman. He developed it. It strips Born Shifters of their humanity....holy shit. That's why it didn't work on you, Starshine. Heyman's curse only works fully on Born Shifters. He must have assumed you were one."

"We have to turn Seth back to normal first," Mox said firmly. "Before I rip Heyman to pieces"

"Take him to Finn and Violet," Elias said, "You can turn him back now I assume?" He says looking at Becky and Stephanie

Stephanie nodded looking at Becky "If you can keep your shield spell up, I know the counter curse for this. I've done it for someone else in our pack that used to be one of Heyman's pets. Cesaro wasn't under it for as long as Seth has been."

"Your gonna need a big ass circle for this one, boss lady." Elias told her "and you are definitely gonna need Balor to fortify it. A lot of energy is pent up inside Twinkle here."

"Can I ask what's with all the star references? He wears a shooting star necklace too." Becky asks

Seth dropped to the floor in embarrassment, "Oh its because he's obsessed with space." Stephanie explained with a smile "He wanted to be an Astronomer when he was a little boy"

Seth let out a series of mumbles that made Elias chuckle. "He still has that potty mouth"

"Do you think Heyman knows that the spell didn't work on Seth?" Hunter finally speaks up

"Let's hope he didn't think it wasn't powerful enough, last thing we need is him boosting his magic" Stephaine replies

"Are you strong enough for this?" Stephanie asked Becky, who nodded. "Let's finish it and bring him back." The younger woman replied

"Come on Seth," his mother told him. "Time to face your other set of parents."

The group headed along the path that winded through the south woods that bordered Haven to a large mansion that looked like It had been dropped there from the Victorian era.

"This place makes so much sense now that we know who lives inside." Becky told her mate.

"Yeah" Drew grumbled, still unhappy about this turn of events.

Seth had stuck close to the pair the entire walk, at times dancing around them and nipping at their heels like he was excited about something.

Elias looked down at the wolf and snorted "You know all hell is about to break loose when everyone figures that out right?"

Seth barked at him, giving his friend a wolfy smirk before he turned to Mox, with an evil glint in his eyes.

"Don't you fucking dare-" Mox was suddenly shoved down, landing in dirt, Seth howling at him, looking at Drew and Becky, the pair laughing.

"You little shit" Mox growled, taking his jacket off before shifting himself, turning into a reddish brown wolf before tackling Seth.

"What will cause all hell to break loose?" Becky asked Elias

The siren let out a rusty laugh, like it wasn't a sound he made often "I hope the two of you like living in Haven. He won't want to leave again anytime soon" he says cryptically before taking the guitar off his back and strumming it as he walked along

"He won't want to leave again?" Becky whispered to her mate "He as in Seth?"

"I don't understand love. Sirens are...cheeky" He teased.

"Damn right" Becky grinned, slapping Drew on the ass before continuing her path.

The group came across a wolf sitting on the stairs, jumping from his spot. "Hey Baron" Elias greeted. "We need to see Finn and Violet"

Baron looked at the blond streaked wolf and let out a howl.

"Yep, your senses aren't betraying you, the Prince has returned" Elias answered him

The huge black wolf spun and ran up the stairs of the mansion barking his head off.

"Baron!" a woman's French-accented voice called out, "What is that racket you are making Mon Loup?"

An unnaturally pale but beautiful blue-haired woman came into view followed by a bearded man with short brown hair.

"Finn, Violet something happened while you were away from home" Stephanie says

Violet sniffed at the air, and gasped at the familiar, long missed scent "My baby?!"

Seth barked and ran forward, Drew unknowingly tensing. "I missed you Chaton," Violet said, kissing his furry head.

"Why is he fully shifted….he shouldn't be able…." Violet started to ask as she unceremoniously sat on the foyer floor and pulled the huge wolf into her lap. Finn sat down next to her and Seth immediately moved so that he was draped across both Vampires as he growled softly at them.

"Hey twinkle? My French and Gaelic are both real fucking rusty, would ya mind thinking in English?" Elias sighed rubbing his temples. "I know. I know. Automatic reaction to being with your Vampiric parental units. Apology accepted."

"He says….Twinkle I know, that part has to be in French I do know that word." Elias rolls his eyes in exasperation "He says he's sorry for leaving without telling you, Maman."

"Do it again and I'll kick your fuzzy little ass" Violet says quietly, but with feeling

Finn sat there petting Seth before saying "Don't you EVER worry us like that again." A low growl entered his voice, his eyes flashing blood red. "All THREE of us will kick your ass."

#shai writes #seth rollins #Rollintyre #Rollynch #Rollynchtyre #becky lynch fanfic #becky lynch #drew mcintyre #drew mcintyre fanfic #dean ambrose #jon moxley #roman reigns #seth rollins fanfic #seth rollins fic #seth rollins imagine #seth rollins smut

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showmeurmoves · 7 years

Text

WWE: Out of Business ch.6

@rocketgirl2410

The superstars met up at the usual warehouse where Shane McMahon was standing at the podium.

“We’ve hit a major milestone. As of today, we’ve made a million dollars,” said Shane.

The superstars cheered and began hugging each other.

“Before we end this meeting does anyone have any questions?” asked Shane.

Kevin Owens raised his hand.

“Does anybody know where Vince is?” asked Kevin.

Triple H, Shane, and Stephanie all shook their heads. Another superstar raised their hand.

“If you say anything about my dad doing porn I swear your contract won’t be renewed,” Stephanie said angrily.

The superstar quietly put his hand down. Seth Rollins walked into the warehouse. His shirt was torn and he was covered with bandages.

“Damn, what happened to you?” asked Kevin.

“I got mauled by a demon dog at work!” yelled Seth.

He sat down and took off his hat.

“I hate working at PetSmart, and I’m not even making any money,” said Seth.

Xavier Woods sat next to Seth.

“You should start a YouTube channel and make money off that like me,” said Xavier.

Bayley became interested and scooted forward.

“Can you really make money from YouTube?” asked Bayley

“If you hit a certain number of subscribers. Then you can become a full time YouTuber and start getting paid for your videos,” Xavier explained.

There was chatter amongst the superstars with ideas on how they can use social media for profit. Some of the women discussed using their Instagram for sponsors and others talked about using their twitter accounts. The Revival came up with an idea.

“Maybe we should start a YouTube channel,” said Dash Wilder.

“That might be a good idea considering neither of us found jobs yet,” said Scott Dawson.

“Let’s look at some videos to get some inspiration,” said Dash.

They took their laptop and went to the corner. They spent hours looking at videos of different of wrestlers and non-wrestlers.

“Hey, the Bella Twins have a channel,” said Scott. “Let’s see what they got”.

They clicked on a video with a thumbnail of Brie.

“I’m going to change Birdie’s diaper,” said Brie in the video.

“Never mind, I don’t wanna see that,” said Scott before turning the video off.

They continued to scroll down the page.

“Hey, look there’s a video with Cody Rhodes in it,” Dash pointed out. “Let’s see what he has to talk about”.

They clicked on the video.

“Fuck The Revival!” yelled Cody in the video.

The Revival blankly stared at the screen.

“Oh, hell no” said Scott and Dash.

Finn Balor and Sami Zayn were on their way to the warehouse to train. Since there were no meetings they figured the warehouse would be empty. When they got inside they saw The Revival with The Uso’s and Elias Samson with recording equipment.

“What’s going on here?” asked Sami.

“Cody Rhodes made a video about us so we’re going to make a disrespectful song about him,” explained Dash.

Finn and Sami looked confused.

“What?” asked Finn.

“He means a diss track,” Jey Uso clarified.

“Just warning you, this is not going to end well,” said Jimmy Uso.

“I know what I’m doing,” said Dash. “Now turn me up in the headphones”.

Meanwhile, The Young Bucks were in their hotel room watching YouTube videos. Cody Rhodes came and sat with them.

“What are you guys watching?” asked Cody Rhodes.

Matt and Nick Jackson turned the laptop over to him.

“You definitely need to see this,” said Nick.

Cody looked confused at the screen.

“Cody Rhodes diss track?” he read.

Cody clicked on the video. The video showed Dash Wilder and Scott Dawson in an empty warehouse with headphones rapping into a mic. Elias Samson was behind them strumming a guitar.

“You went and dissed us on your video. Now you gotta pay” Said Scott Dawson before the beat came on. He rapped to the beat of “Charlie Sheen” by Lil B.

“Mr. Gingivitis (needs a new crest) Your breath kicks, smells stank like Roto Rooter Pose in pink panties like a hoe (in your pictures) You ain’t got no teeth (eat Gerber) Breath stank like a sink in a small shack You need teeth, to eat a big mac You go both ways (like Trey Songz) You like a Hostess (with a ding dong)”

Matt and Nick Jackson laughed while Cody watched in horror. The song continued.

“Pour ketchup, on your salty fries Sesame seed on a bun for the pregnant guys Tell your friends Matt and Nick to move over You ain’t got no teeth (eat Gerber) You go both waaaays like Trey Songz You like a hostess (with a ding dong) Tell your friends Matt and Nick to move over You ain’t got no teeth (eat Gerber) Fuck Cody Rhodes”.

The beat finally went off. Cody was enraged while the Young Bucks were laughing.

“Can you believe this bullshit?! We have to do something about this!” yelled Cody.

“What do you mean ‘we’ have to do something?” asked Nick.

“He dissed you, not us,” said Matt.

The video still had a few seconds left.

“And Fuck the Young Bucks too” said Dash.

Now Matt and Nick were upset.

“Oh no, we’re gonna get them,” said Nick.

Back at the warehouse, Triple H gathered the superstars together for a meeting.

“We have a serious issue to talk about,” said Triple H.

Triple H pulled out a laptop and went to YouTube. He played a video and turned it towards the superstars. The video had Cody Rhodes and the Young Bucks in a recording studio.

“So The Revival thought it was cool to diss us?” said Cody. We’re gonna show them a real diss”.

Cody rapped to the beat of “Black Friday” by Lil Kim.

“Who the fuck want war? Fed-Ex beef straight to your front door It'll be a murder scene, I'm turning your payday to Friday the 13th. Aight you Revival clowns, All this buffoonery shit stops now Time for you to lay down, I'm sick of the fraud, I put hands on these bitches like a spa massage We all know your look is what got you your job, You's a put together gimmick, somethin’ like a collage. Since you're putting on a show you gon’ get the applause - Clap clap with your frame like a fucking garage (Yeaaaah) This rap shit, Scott and Dash ain't built for -- This the shit the other bitch almost got killed for I'm still counting what Hard Core generated Bet my shit keep spendin’ like a syndicated Corny broads, I leave you bloody like you menstruated You hot air ass bitchs shoulda BEEN deflated. This ain't a championship fight, I BEEN the greatest Fuck the Revival”.

The video finished and Triple H closed his laptop.

“This video has already gone viral. Something like this could make the company look bad. How the hell are we supposed to fix this?” Triple H asked glaring at The Revival.

“We could diss them back,” answered Scott.

“That’s what got us here in the first place,” said Stephanie McMahon.

“We told them this was a bad idea,” said Jimmy Uso.

“I say we just ignore it,” suggested Stephanie. “We don’t want to risk starting a rivalry with another company”.

“Maybe a rivalry isn’t a such a bad thing,” said Shane McMahon. Everyone in the room looked at him with confusion.

“Remember how popular our company got during the Monday Night Wars? The competition brought ratings to both companies, until WCW went under. This rap beef might help us,” Shane explained.

Triple H took a moment to think about it.

“You know, it’s so crazy it just might work” said Triple H. “We’re gonna diss them back”.

Scott and Dash’s eyes lit up.

“Not you guys though. Your diss sucked,” said Triple H. “Finn, AJ, you guys are gonna do the diss”.

Finn looked confused.

“Why us?” asked Finn

“You guys used to be in the Bullet Club, so it makes sense,” answered Triple H.

“Can they even rap?” asked Stephanie.

“It doesn’t matter, we’ll just hire ghostwriters” answered Triple H.

A few days later some of the superstars were at the warehouse writing the next diss track.

“Check out this line right here. This bar is dope” said Finn. He showed the paper to AJ. Sasha Banks rolled her eyes.

“How did we get roped into this?” asked Sasha.

“Shane promised screen time to anyone who helped write the song or showed up in the video. And you actually agreed to it,” answered Bayley. Bayley turned to the Uso’s.

“Thanks for helping us write most of the song,” said Bayley.

“We’re just doing it for more screen time when the company starts back up” said Jimmy.

“But I’m letting you guys know, this is a terrible idea” said Jey.

Finn Balor and AJ Styles response was posted on YouTube. Finn mostly rapped while Sasha and Bayley posed in the background. Finn rapped to the beat of Stupid Hoe.

“I get it cracking like a bad back Cody talkin he the king when she looking like a lab rat We Angelina, ya’ll Jennifer Come on bitch, you see where Brad at?

Ice my wrist-es then I piss on bitches You could suck my diznick, if you take these jizzes You don’t like them disses, give my ass some kisses Yeah they know what this is, give bitches the business

Cause I pull up and I’m stuntin but I ain't a stuntman Yes I’m rockin Jordans but I ain't a jumpman Bitches play the back cuz they know I’m the frontman Put me on a dollar cause I’m who they trust in Ayo AJ, what the fuck’s good? We stay winnin gold, them bitches winnin wood Them nappy headed hoes, but my kitchen good I wish I wish I wish I wish a bitch would

You a stupid hoe, you a you a stupid hoe You a stupid hoe, you a you a stupid hoe You a stupid hoe, you a you a stupid hoe You a stupid hoe, yeah you a you a stupid hoe You a stupid hoe, you a you a stupid hoe You a stupid hoe, you a you a stupid hoe You a stupid hoe, you a you a stupid hoe You a stupid hoe, yeah you a you a stupid hoe”

Cody and the Young Bucks watched in horror as AJ Styles went up for his verse.

“Look Cody, go back to ya habitat Adam Cole gone and I ain't havin that How you gonna be the stunt double to somebody monkey?? Top of that I’m in the Phantom lookin hella chonky

Ice my wrist-es then I piss on bitches You could suck my diznick, if you take these jizzes You don’t like them disses, give my ass some kisses Yeah they know what this is, give bitches the business

'Cause I pull up in the Porsche but it ain't de Rossi Pretty bitches only could get in my posse Hey, yo Young Bucks, fuck you and your EP Who’s gassing these hoes? BP? Hmm.. thinks 1, 2, 3, do the AJ Styles blink 'Cause these hoes so busted, hoes is so crusty These bitches is my sons and I don't want custody Hoes so busted, hoes is so crusty these bitches is my sons and I don't want custody……”

Cody Rhodes slammed the laptop shut.

“Ok that tears it!” yelled Cody while clenching his fist. “This isn’t a rap beef anymore. Now this is personal”.

Cody Rhodes and the rest of the Bullet Club stormed the WWE headquarters. They were carrying weapons intending to destroy anyone and anything inside. When they got to the entrance they noticed all the lights were out.

“What the hell? Is nobody here right now?” asked Cody.

Bad Luck Fale found a note on the front entrance.

“Out of business until further notice,” read Bad Luck Fale.

Cody looked confused.

“Out of business? What?” asked Cody.

“This must why explain why none of their shows have been airing lately,” said Nick.

Cody looked disappointed.

“How are we supposed to find them now?” asked Cody.

“Finn posted a picture of himself recording on his Instagram,” said Matt. “He tagged his location in it”.

Matt showed his phone to Cody.

“Change of plans. We’re now going to wherever this place is!” said Cody.

The men took their weapons and went back to their van.

Back at the warehouse the superstars were having a meeting. Triple H stood at the front of the podium.

“So, we have a serious topic to discuss. What are we having for lunch?” asked Triple H.

Moments later the Bullet Club busted into the room.

“Where’s The Revival?!” yelled Cody.

Everyone in the room pointed out Scott Dawson and Dash Wilder. Many scooted away from them to avoid any trouble.

“Ya’ll ain’t shit” said Dash.

Cody and some of the Bullet Club members ran up on The Revival. Cody was about to hit one of them until Sasha stepped in the way.

“Wait hold on! You guys shouldn’t be fighting over a stupid rap video,” said Sasha.

“Weren’t you in the video?” asked Cody.

“Huh?”

Cody pushed Sasha out the way and pulled up Scott by his collar. Shane stepped in and separated the two.

“Sasha’s right. This beef was just intended to get views on YouTube and now it’s getting out of hand” said Shane. Cody began to calm down.

“We shouldn’t be fighting and dissing each other,” Shane went on.

“I guess your right,” said Cody as he tossed his weapon.

“We should be dissing the guys in Lucha Underground!” said Shane.

Everyone’s eyes lit up.

“I actually like that idea,” said Nick. “That could bring ratings to all of our companies”.

“Let’s start writing a diss track now!” said Cody.

He and many of the other superstars left to help film the video.

A while later Triple H and Stephanie were the only ones left in the warehouse.

“How much longer do they have this recording equipment for?” asked Stephanie.

“I think they have it rented for another week. Why?” asked Triple H.

“I just wanted to record something for you?” said Stephanie while winking. Triple H turned the equipment on.

“There’s no need to wait” said Triple H.

Stephanie put on the headphones and started rapping in the mic. The beat for “My Neck My Back” was playing in the background.

“All you ladies pop your pussy like this Shake your body, don't stop, don't miss All you ladies pop your pussy like this Shake your body, don't stop, don't miss Just do it, do it, do it, do it, do it now Lick it good suck this pussy, just like you should Right now, Lick it good suck this pussy just like you should My Neck, my back Lick my pussy and my crack”.

Triple H bobbed his head while Stephanie kept rapping.

“She sounds great doesn’t she?” asked Seth Rollins as he bobbed his head to the music. Triple H glared at him until he quietly walked away. When Seth left, Triple H turned the music up.

“My Neck, my back Lick my pussy and my crack My Neck, my back Lick my pussy and my crack My Neck, my back Lick my pussy and my crack My Neck, my back Lick my pussy and my crack”.

#WWE #WWE Fanfic #bullet club #cody rhodes #the revival #young bucks #wwe fanfiction

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staytiny-angel · 5 years

Text

Safe Haven 3/?

Co-written with @scream-qween

Pairings: Drew McIntyre/Becky Lynch, Eventually Drew McIntyre/Becky Lynch/Seth Rollins, Jon Moxley/Renee Young, Sasha Banks/Bayley/Charlotte Flair

Warnings: Violence, Language

Word Count: 1799

Summary: After an 8-year absence, 25-year-old Seth Rollins returns home to his pack but in no way resembling the Beta Werewolf that ran away after a violent misunderstanding with his brothers.

Seth is feral, and trapped in a form the bitten wolf shouldn't even be capable of, it turns out that he is the victim of a powerful curse that would make him a mindless slave.

Taglist: @sethsevolution @feathers-and-flesh-and-wrestling @deepdisireslonging @writtingrose @pikapuff316 @hitory--chan @finnsauroraborealis @the-beastslayers-queen

Becky took a step back, "What the hell is that?"

Finn sighed, closing his eyes until they returned to blue. "It's a long story"

"I got time, explain" Becky demanded, Drew stepping up next to her

Seth whimpered and licked Finn's face, causing Finn to smile, and lean down to rub his head against the wolf's.

"You know he doesn't like that story" Elias says gently

"I know" the vampire replied "Go play with Baron, Seth. Ember should be around somewhere as well."

With a huff and one last lick to the face of each vampire Seth ran off though the mansion to find his other friend, Baron following closely behind him.

"I recognize you as well, Cailleach na Mara and you are supposed to be very much dead." Finn says standing up and brushing off his black slacks before reaching down and helping his wife to her feet.

"So the hell are you cousin." Becky says with a snort

"Cousin!" Everyone exclaimed

"How…" Stephanie started to say

"I'm older then I look." Becky says easily, "MUCH older"

"You were killed by a Vampire." Becky says as if putting the pieces of a puzzle together "The clan told stories about seeing you still walking around after you'd died but…"

"Attacked by a vampire? Yes. Killed? Not so much"

"Prince Devitt did die that day, remember your memory problems?" Violet said.

"If you hadn't found me, I'd gone completely feral" Finn remised, kissing her head.

"Explain" Becky said

"I found him." Violet says "Dying. My sister attacked him and I saved him but his transition was….brutal and he lost a lot of his human memories. Balor has been slowly healing that part of his mind for well over a century"

"Now somebody explain why our child is a fully shifted wolf" Finn says

"Paul Heyman. He tried to turn Seth into...a slave for whatever reason. It didn't work out so well, but Seth's been like this for a while" Elias answered, making sure to step back.

Finn took a shaky breath, his eyes flashing between blue and red before finally settling on red. "Really Bálor?" Violet asked

"That....walrus, he tried to enslave our Puppy?" Balor roared causing everyone to wince and take a huge step back from the demon king. From somewhere in the house you could hear a howl and heavy four-legged footsteps, then from a corridor came Seth running, followed by Baron and a smaller wolf with orange-tipped black fur.

Seth, much to the discomfort of both Drew and Becky ran straight for the demon, who in a surprising show of strength caught the huge wolf.

"He's close with a demon...cool" Becky said, uneasy.

"We need to tell Shawn about this" Violet spoke up. "Tell a broken hearted fire sprite, 'Hey, the thing that killed your wife and twins? Yeah, his buddy tried to enslave your youngest nephew!' That? Is a death sentence" Eilas argues

"And it'd be better for him to find out later?" Violet asks

"I would highly suggest we save that conversation for after Seth is back in human form" Hunter says knowing his adopted brother well. "Seth is one of the few people who can keep Shawn calm, "

"We need your summoning circle and we need Balor to put one of his Shields around it, so we can turn him back" Stephanie explained to the pair, before asking Seth "How big are you now, so I can conjure you up some clothes"'

Elias looked down in surprise "Really? Finally had that growth spurt?" he smirked at the wolf before telling Stephanie "He says he's 6" 2" and kinda beefy?"

"Can finally fight me brother" Mox grinned, Seth growling playfully. Bálor set him down gently before summoning a ring of black fire around him. "How are we doing this" he gestured to Becky

Becky stepped forward and gestured to Stephanie,"Guide me through the counter-curse?"

Stephanie nodded "Are you ready, Starshine?"

"He's ready." Elias answered for the wolf

"Everyone back up, and keep that shield up Balor." Stephanie says taking the sea witch's hand and beginning to chant, her own golden magic soon being joined by Becky's ocean blue.

Stephanie began to pant with exertion as gold, blue and black magic surrounded Seth, who howled in pain

The magic flared almost all the way to the top of the high vaulted ceiling, completely obscuring the form within before finally fading and revealing a tall, tanned man with long dark, blond tipped hair and a thick beard, shivering and panting, with sharpened nails and fangs.

Stephanie magiked clothes on him before collasping into Humter's arms.

"Welcome back baby brother" Mox said.

"Glad to be back" Seth replied in a voice raspy from disuse, before he started to laugh for a few minutes until his eyes landed on Becky, who was now sitting on the floor with Drew wrapped around her from behind holding her up

Almost in a single leap Seth crossed the room and landed in front of the pair, startling them.

"Here we fucking go" Elias murmured

As soon as the pair locked eyes with the man crouched in front of them sonething…clicked.

"Son of a bitch" Drew swore. "You can only sense your mates for the first time when their in human form."

"Bingo" Elias says with a smirk, "Seth knew as soon as he was in his right mind"

Stephanie's eyes darted between her son and the newest members of their pack, "Goddess Above" she whispered "Xavier was right"

Everyone looked at the witch who was being held similarly to Becky by her own mate. "What?!" Mox says looking at his mother.

"Xavier had a vision about 3 months ago. He said we had to let the next two people who came to us for sanctuary into Haven, that they would be the key to getting Seth back. You two showed up about a week after that."

"We were told to come here to find our third" Drew muttered.

"Sorry we had to meet like this" Seth said. "With me all growly and shit"

Becky leaned forward and petted Seth's beard much like she had petted him in wolf form, Seth leaning into the touch "It's okay. You were kinda cute. Much cuter this way though"

"Anyone else notice that the redhead has a type?" Mox asks, pointing out the similarities in Drew and Seth's appearances

"All werewolves kinda look alike though" Violet argued.

"True but two mates looking like they could be related? Kinda a stretch" Mox replied

"I have to talk to Uncle Shawn" Seth said, turning to Stephanie "Mom. The twins aren't dead. Heyman has them under some kind of mind control spell. They both wear these amulets that they aren't allowed to take off for any reason. I managed to snatch Rhea's off of her when I was in wolf form and she recognized me, that's how I escaped from his compound. She blasted me out but The Beast caught up to us and Heyman put it back on her."'

Stephanie covered her mouth in shock. "Oh my god, Shawn always said he knew they were alive, but...we could never prove it" Seth hugged her tightly.

"What made Heyman target you?" Drew asked

"I'm not what I thought I was." Seth said quietly "Heyman's spell didn't work right on me...because I'm part warlock. Remember Mom? We always wondered why I was so good at seeing magic?" Seth waved his hand in the air creating a shower of silver sparks. "My birth mother was a Wolf and my birth father was a Warlock, they worked for Heyman but escaped when they found out they were gonna have me. That's why Heyman was here the day he killed Aunt Chyna and took the twins. He was looking for me"

"He will never have you again" Violet says. "You are our son, my baby." she caressed his cheek, Seth grabbing her hand.

Ember nudged Bálor, who scratched her head."You're gonna have to be careful Seth. Heyman won't just let you be free"

"That's why I'm here, he's going to try and get an pure Alpha. He think Omegas and Betas shake off his magic too easily and it isn't just Wolves that are vulnerable The Beast was a Dragon before Heyman fucked with him" Seth explained "When I was here the only Pure Alphas were Roman, Dad, Xavier, Charlotte and Renee"

He looked up at Drew "I'm gonna assume you are too?" He asked "Honestly, don't know for sure" Drew replied. "And I don't really care. Alphas have to protect everyone, I just have to protect Spitfire"

Seth nodded and continued "Whatever Heyman's magic did to me I have no fucking clue what I am anymore, I know it broke the seal my birth mother must have put on my magic, cause I can actually do shit now"

"I can help teach you" Becky quietly offered walking toward her new mate.

"Thank you" he says gently, with a slight bow. "I know I come with a fuckton of baggage, so I do understand if neither of you want to be mated to me"

Their impromptu meeting was interrupted when a golden blonde Wolf came barreling into the house and ran straight to Elias barking furiously

"Slow down, Renee what's wrong?!" The siren knelt down and placed a hand on her head. "I'm just gonna look okay honey?" he says gently as he closes his eyes only for them to snap open in horror a moment later.

"Elias?" Stephanie asks

"The Beast was here. Heyman took Roman."

#shai writes #seth rollins #seth rollins fic #seth rollins imagine #rollynch #rollintyre #becky lynch #drew mcintyre #drew mcintyre fanfic #Rollynchtyre #wwe fic #wwe fanfiction #roman reigns #jon moxley #dean ambrose

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grizzlefur · 7 years

Text

WWEm - ‘Angelic Ascension' to 'Nuclear Hobo’

Transmission date: Monday 22/Tuesday 23 May

It's far too warm to be funny, so here's FRIDAY AFTERNOON RAW.

that's what this blog is going to be now, just me stating the facts while being disdainful of this whole 'Sun' bollocks

who thought summer was a good idea

ugh

anyway

wrestling?

yes

wrestling

yestling?

ahem

and we're opening with the advert for the extreme rules five-way

which includes bray promising to kill brock with the spear of destiny, so that pleases me

and just as i type that, wyatt cut through the end of the vid

we're in grand rapids tonight, because nobody in detroit can afford tickets any more

i'm assuming they don't mean the one in minnesota, otherwise that joke doesn't work and i'd have to make up some shit about logging camps and judy garland

but yeah, bray's here to lead a revival

he's going to liberate all us slaves of brock

or the beast here may be metaphorical

because it lives inside us all and keeps our children up at night

but i like to think that's all tiny brocks

bray has straight-up promised to murder brock, crack his ribs and eat his heart

we're straight in at the deep end here

this is seriously full-on revivalist shit

he keeps telling us to stand up, and it makes me want to

this is some lovely crowd work

he's like fuck this five-way i've already sacrificed seth and joe

guess they need to make a new video package

doesn't even need to mention roman's name and the crowd are already on the verge of armed insurrection

like fuck your yard, i own he world

here's roman to take issue

or, as cole puts it, "Here is the keeper of the said yard!"

thank you, master wordsmith

roman and bray are doing some top-shelf glowering across the room at each other

roman comes in like say that to my face you bitch, bray just starts cackling

and then says it to his face

they keep calling each other 'old friend', i'm getting the feeling i should know more classic nxt

roman squares up in bray's grill, cue kurt to intervene

maybe they''re just big x-men fans

now i'm imagining bray as professor x and roman as magneto

it's quite an image

kurt acknowledges that these two are two of the favourites

probably, like top 5

he's just like fuck this showrunning thing, this is a match now, bye

despite the number of times roman's fought bray, he still gets freaked out by the whole hanging backward off the turnbuckle thing

at least corey lampshades that as well

thanks for following my thought processes, graves

bray uranages roman, forgoes pinning him to just go and bite the ropes

he's just taking every opportunity this match to fuck about and laugh at roman

bray does not and has never given a shit

like three minutes into the match, here's joe to pick a fight

at least he hit his music, rather than just turning up like usual

stands there telling bray to get up and fight him, bray's just like um no i'll sit here thanks

so joe coquina clutches roman for the dq

bray tries to join in, gets a clutch of his own, and now here comes seth to slay some kings

or failing that, some large men

bray tries to blindside seth, roman superman punches him

long awkward moment between seth and roman, everyone glares at each other, hit what the fuck music is this

seriously, it sounded like cage the elephant or something

can we fire the sound guy

apparently it's barns courtney

(who's from aylesbury, so that explains a lot)

clearly everyone in the room has realised it's the wrong music but just to finish the segment anyway like it was intentional

gj, guys

announcements for later: finn/anderson, and sheamus/matt, with the winner of the latter picking the stipulation for their extreme rules match

so either matt wins and they do a ladder match because hardyz, matt winds and they have some kind of dilapidated boat mindfuck (i want this), or sheamus wins and is just like fuck it let's have a knife fight (i would also watch this)

oh, apparently that barns courtney song is the theme for extreme rules

so i guess it makes a certain kind of sense

still a weird-ass time to play it, though

anyway, i should probably unpause this and stop writing long-ass comments and looking up aylesburian singer-songwriters

(it doesn't necessarily come across, but i take some serious research breaks on here)

but now, seth and roman are passive-aggressive at each other backstage

kurt shows up like fuck this high school bullshit you're teaming against bray and joe in the main event

they accept this, walk off, elias fucking samson break

kurt like fine you have my attention what the fuck do you want if i give you a match against dean ambrose will you go the hell away

elias responds with some more abstracted strumming, kurt seems to take that as a yes

are we just playing him as mute on this show

that would be kind of great

but now it's cruiserweight time, with tozawa facing ariya daivari, who's accessorised with aviators, chains and possibly the most garish jacket observable by science

just in case you forgot he was the heel

and meanwhile, instead of being on announce like a normal person, brian kendrick is backstage with a big-screen tv, watching the match and occasionally chipping in with comments like a fucking nfl analyst or something

i swear, i'm like fifteen minutes into this weird-ass episode and it's already making me want to tap out to the bugfuck strangeness of it all

i think we're in one of those weeks

jinder mahal beating randy orton for the world title clearly broke all laws of god and man, and now reality is irrevocably shattered and we must get used to the new world we find ourselves facing

sorry you had to learn about it from a wrestling shitpost blog

anyway, back in the match

tozawa is in green and teal shorts, and it doesn't work for him at all

but he's working through this personal obstacle to beat seven kinds of piss out of ariya

cut back to brian, who provides us with his incisive analysis viz. HA chants being dumb

he is wrong

tozawa provides some, then does a top rope back senton for the pin

what was his finisher before?

cos that's a great one

cut back to brian, who's like fuck that imma kill him tomorrow

tozawa shouts in the face of a small child, end segment

next up, dean/elias

but first, charly interviews sasha backstage

she's like foxy ain't shit, alicia and noam turn up to taunt her some

oh wait, it's usually his snap german

fuck

how did i forget that

anyway, diving senton is cool too

but now, elias samson has a song for us about grand rapids

credit to him, he can actually play his guitar and sing and shit

because everyone hates people who can't use their props

but to be fair, everyone also hates elias samson

so *shrug*

dean interrupts the last few bars, corey takes advantage of his mic being back on to be like what has happened to my life

miz and maryse are on announce to tell us how dean ain't shit

maryse badmouths dean for "kicking miz in his no-no land"

meanwhile in the ring, elias is reminding us that he is actually a large impressive man

smacks dean's neck into the ropes, because fuck your head trauma rules

likewise, hangs dean's head off the apron and then does a bunch of knees into it

cut to ads, and elias is choking dean into unconsciousness

would have thought he'd just pin him by now

apparently dean is losing because miz's presence is sapping his power

this information brought to you by the miz

dean's starting to get his zaynwheels spinning, so time for a comeback

wait, shit, were we not meant to call it that any more?

dean goes off the top rope, takes a knee to the face in response

dean takes elias down, miz runs to the ring and kicks elias once for the dq

like fuck you mr ambrose i know how the rules work

truly the most dangerous quality in a wrestler

chasing miz around the ring keeps dean occupied while elias gets back up, and swinging neckbreaker for giggles

up next, bálor/anderson

but first, cass is angry backstage

we pan over to enzo unconscious in the middle of a bunch of weights equipment

and fade on medics trying to wake him up

to an advert for that barns courtney song

we come back, and he's awake

and doesn't rmember who blindsided him

kurt promises to get to the bottom of this, because he seems like a good boss

cass is like well let's see who finds them first

[large new yorker intensifies]

and we're back in the arena, and finn has got this whole appearing in a column of smoke thing down

*does the arms*

i love how he does proper ballroom dance hands when he does the arms

both because it enhances the lines of the pose and because it's kind of adorable

booker makes a comment about how everyone wants a piece of finn, a solid 70% of people watching just joined with me in nodding knowingly

he has a mic

but can't say the word 'fatal'

acknowledges it, the crowd are like fuck it, we love you

and then interrupted mid-speech by...heyman?

with a speech about how not one of the people in the five-way is shit

wait, was this speech meant to be in the opening segment but we replaced it with unexpected blues rock?

paul makes a reference to roman killing taker, the crowd hate him even more

paul finally reaches finn's place in his list

oh, apparently he's not going to trashtalk him

calls him the most talented performer in wwe?

where's the twist coming?

paul saying the word 'extreme' is getting a pop

okay, so apparently finn is his pick to win the five-way

this is odd

but i am intrigued

finn has a message for brock

(spoiler: he ain't shit)

paul just stands there like welp this is super intense

but here are anderson and gallows

oh yeah

remember there was a match happening?

cut for ads, and we come back to finn stomping the shit out of anderson

right up until anderson tries to rip his nose off and gallows gets a cheap shot in

not a bad match, but when have i ever not liked a finn match

these two are just so fluid together

it's almost like they've worked together for years

finn kicks anderson off the turnbuckle, then hits his big apron punt on gallows

anderson goes for a powerbomb, finn does a lovely counter into a standing double stomp and tope

and sling blade, corner dropkick (slightly misjudged), coup de grace for the pin

finn walks up the ramp, someone holds a palestinian flag up on camera

how long till they get disappeared

and corey reminds me why i love him by pronouncing coup de grace properly

another graphic for matt/sheamus, this time with a less broken picture of matt

weird

but now it's sasha/alicia

sasha enters in a double-breasted half-camo waistcoat, and i want to ask her where to buy it

apparently the point of this match is if sasha wins, alicia gets to fuck off

noam distracts sasha by literally going durrrrrrr at her, near-fall

noam is the best armcandy

sasha dodges a scissor kick into her double knees, awkward-ass pin, end

this whole angle has just been really weird

is it done now

noam comes into the ring to shout at sasha

goes for her, gets deathslapped, but alicia's there to blindside sasha with a scissor kick

but now we're backstage again, with kalisto and apollo

kalisto being like the fuck is wrong with you why are you working for dickbag o'douche

and also btw did you attack enzo

apollo denies it, talks about how he's working for titus for his connections

titus appears to be like oh hey you want to join the titus brand awesome

shockingly, kalisto actually doesn't

so titus sets his minion on him for a match later

but next, alexa talks about extremity

after our first ad for mitb

we'll be seeing a lot of those

and now we talk about the demise of the golden truth

booker talks about how being an inscrutable evil isn't like goldust at all

making me question whether he's actually met the man

and now we have a shattered dreams video package, featuring a low framerate goldust doing slam poetry about gold and wearing a suit jacket over his bodysuit

a disembodied hand tries to give him a script, he's like fuck that i'm reasserting creative control

does his oldschool weird breathing, end thing

and now charly has alexa backstage

but mostly to introduce this vt of her beating on bayley last week

in which they cut out the bit where it took alexa three tries to find the kendo stick

but with bonus pictures of the welts on bayley's back

whoever wolf whistled in the crowd, fuck off

alexa's just like heh yeah that was pretty great

and i'm totes gonna do worse at extreme rules

and apparently she's fighting mickie tonight

whom she's also going to murder

and now we talk about roman and braun some more

are we seriously doing the vt of braun getting his elbow fucked again?

apparently we are, yes

with dramatic replays and colour separation and everything

and restating that yes, he will be off for some time

not sure why we needed that segment

but anyway

now it's kalisto/crews

and the editing means we missed the start of kalisto's entrance

boooo

or should i say

beeeeeeoooooo

apparently titus is the most in-demand public speaker in the world today

i think we need a cetacean here

kalisto tries running the ropes, apollo just standing dropkicks him in the face

kalisto gets some offence, tries to run the ropes again, gets stopped with an enzuigiri

dude

stop trying that

apollo goes for a muscle buster, kalisto counters for a near-fall, titus screams at apollo to sic 'em, distracts him enough for a salida del sol

haven't seen that in a while

mostly because kalisto hasn't been allowed to win things

apollo looks stunned and hurt, titus shouts at him, end segment

up next, crazy vs irish

the eternal dilemma

the hardyz are both wearing solid green tonight, and it's an odd choice

matt does his delete arm on the turnbuckle, jeff does a super half-hearted one

now that he's wearing more and his beard's grown, sheamus's entrance has changed from 'angelic ascension' to 'nuclear hobo'

i'm still totally in the kkb corner for this, though

sheamus' strategy for this match appears to just be hitting matt in the face a lot

see how many teeth he can claim

matt chases sheamus out of the ring, is immediately shown why this was a bad plan as sheamus smacks him back-first into the apron

sheamus starts the ten beats of the bodhrán, stops after two when it becomes apparent that the crowd want to count along and just tackles him off the apron into the barricade instead

i love smart heel moves like that

matt mashes sheamus' face into all the turnbuckles, i'm guessing that may have been a thing in tna from the volume of the delete chants

cut to ads as cole tries and fails to say the phrase 'pick the stipulation'

sheamus gets a near-fall off white noise, the crowd think he's an obsolete mule

and jeff distracts him while matt gets a tornado ddt

sheamus gets the offence again, matt hits side effect out of nowhere

does the whole delete setup for a twist of fate, sheamus counters into a big knee to the face, the nearest of falls before matt gets the bottom rope

grand rapids think this is awesome, and they're kind of right

cesaro looms toward the action, jeff takes him out, sheamus kicks jeff in the back, matt takes the distraction for a twist of fate for the win

and now here's charly to ask matt and jeff what the thing will be

ooh, cage match

that is not the way i saw this going

but i could still see that working

and now we get the bit where the announce team recap the opening segment of this episode

go get a drink or something

dramatic advert for the main event, ahppening in like half an hour

cut for ads, and we're back with the cruiserweights

nese/aries, with the goblin king of newcastle lurking in nese's corner

one day my dream will come true of a neville promo where the crowd interrupt after every sentence by shouting PET

until then, i'll just have to do it in my head

apparently the aries/neville title match at extreme rules is going to be a submission match

i mean, they both use submission finishers, so not that strange

austin gets nese in a weird headlock/heelhook thing while staring daggers at neville

neville's procured an office chair to just lurk at ringside because the announce table isn't there any more, and i always find that kind of hilarious

and...cm punk chants?

cmon guys, if chicago could get through like all of takeover and backlash without doing that, you can use some self-control

austin goes for an elbow off the top rope, nese catches him with an elbow to the face in midair

then goes for a vertical suplex, which austin converts into a guillotine choke

nese tries to facebuster him out of it, which just lets austin bounce over into the last chancery for the tap

some lovely transitions there

austin walks off as him and neville glare at each other

and neville smacks nese's face into the canvas and puts him in the rings of saturn because fuck you

austin just kind of golf claps as he keeps walking up the ramp, like nice job that's going very well for you

but now we have alexa/mickie

mickie has redesigned gear that looks even more like off-brand star sapphire cosplay

graphic for the extreme rules women's title match

kendo stick on a pole

christ

mickie gets alexa in a waistlock, alexa makes it to the ropes and tells the ref to get her off, except i totally hear it as just BUGGER OFF

mickie is currently just stomping all over alexa, which is weird

near-fall, only one person does the 2 sweet thing

fair enough, grand rapids, you're let off for doing the cm punk chant

alexa just goes fuck it and punches mickie in the face really hard

and ddt for the pin

has alexa somehow inherited show's magic fist?

and/or jake the snake's ability to get a pin off a straight ddt

alexa lingers at ringside with a face like thunder, and then it only takes her two tries to find the kendo stick

hits mickie once, bayley runs in

knocks alexa down, gets the shinai, looms threateningly while alexa runs away like she does so well

dramatic slow-mo of alexa hitting mickie with the kendo stick, mostly just serving to highlight how badly mickie mistimed selling it

but next it's main event time

after an ad for 205

which we'll wyatt cut through anyway, because bray doesn't give a shit

recap video of bray fucking over everyone around him

i wonder how this tag match will go

seriously, somebody discipline the tech guy

seth's music drops, gets through a few bars before turning into joe's entrance because he's the one who's actually coming in

wrong tron and everything

and *here's* seth

bray's just standing on one turnbuckle grinning at seth and roman as they come in

bray's another one of those solid gold background actors

talking about the contendership match, booker seems convinced it's an elimination match

long awkward start as both seth and roman refuse to get out of the ring

eventually roman does, and seth just explodes on both the heels

goes poorly, as joe distracts him while bray throws him into the barricade

dramatic tag to roman, kicks bray in the face into a samoan drop, grand rapids don't give a shit

bray distracts him with the spiderwalk thing again, joe blindsides him, bray blind-blindsides him

cut backstage to kurt standing off to one side of a television showing the match and watching it in three-quarters profile, like humans do

i'm guessing that's actually a really small room and they couldn't decided on how to make the perspective work

joe does his corner enzuigiri to roman, the announcers freak out like that's even his physics-glitchiest move

bray runs through roman and then takes a moment to hug the ring post

and then puts roman in a chinlock for ages, which would have been boring if bray wasn't doing a whole narrative with his face

naturally,that narrative was dhalgren or some shit, but that's what you get when your stories come from the faces of men possessed by the devil's relatives

bray distracts the ref while joe attacks roman, joe rolls a natural 1 and gets immediately whipped into the barricade and driven-by

(it took me far too long to work out what that past participle should be)

dramatic double tag, seth just unloads on everyone

springboard crossbody, blockbuster, plancha, sling blade, suicide dive

fuck you i'm seth rollins

goes back to the top, bray distracts him long enough for joe to punch him in the head

bray and joe very slowly set up a double superplex

which seth manages to reverse into crossbodying both of them

fair enough

joe fights back, bray goes for sister abigail, roman gets involved and throws bray out, goes for joe who dodges and lets roman superman punch seth

seth shouts at roman like what the fuck dude until bray pulls roman out of the ring and joe coquina clutches seth into unconsciousness

well, that wasn't the ending to the match i saw coming

but is anyone honestly surprised by this

i don't think i've ever correctly called a match in a promotion that exists outside of my head

#extremefantasybooking strikes again

bray and joe square off, and we pan out to kurt watching through non-euclidean geometries

finn turns up to be like the fuck kurt why didn't i get in this

so next week, double main event

finn/bray/joe and seth/roman

and we end on kurt literally saying "Damn, I'm a great GM."

i do love his sheer guilelessness running the show

but yes

that was raw, and it was not shit, which is something of a turn-up

smackdown will follow, after our feature presentation: Six Hours of Sarcastic Cicadas!

---------------------

Okay, so that was more like 23 hours, but I think it was worth playing four times

Such good times

Such memorable quotes

"'Chirp'."

i have ordered merch

I am a newly committed member of the SHoSC fandom

but for another example of things I enjoy, consider exhibit B: SATURDAY NIGHT SMACKDOWN!

(yes, i am missing doctor who for this)

let's see how this show goes in this brave new post-jinder world where literally anything could happen

i wonder if he's developed any new magical powers we should be told about, like TELEPORTING OUT OF A FUCKING FRIDGE

we open on a video package of the fans being pissed at jinder becoming champion and a bunch of press outlets being like wut

we're in toledo tonight

where the counterfeit american steel comes from

apparently later jinder holds his 'punjabi celebration'

but first, the announce team are interrupted by the sirens of a police escort to a motorcade

the singhs get out of one humvee and roll out a lovely carpet, jinder gets out of his white maharajamobile to scowl and show off his belt

usa chants, because fucking america

but here comes the money

presumably carried by shane

i wonder if this song is just because shane is always carrying his wallet in that cheap jacket

he's wearing white nikes

the fuck is that, shane

mitb briefcase hanging above the ring already

it's kind of bold to assume nobody will steal it in the next four weeks

i'm betting jinder

shane references jinder, the crowd react like he dropkicked a puppy

apparently randy has "instituted" his rematch clause

at mitb, which is in st louis, so randy's fucked

which i am happy with

but now let's talk about the actual briefcase match

and he's just straight-off introducing us to the participants

five of them this time

first off, here's aj

turns out they do want some, as long as it's some briefcases

and baron

how would you carry that case on a motorbike

now sami, and the image of him skanking with a bright blue briefcase fills me with joy

and dolph, who doesn't give a shit

and here's kevin, after a weirdly long beat

shane's like what is this kill the music kevin you were not invited

but this man is

it's shinsuke, surprising literally nobody

oh, apparently daniel was surprised

he had money on james ellsworth

this is why i never take his betting tips

shinsuke glides past kevin on the ramp like fuck youuuuuuuuu i'm awesome

if you want my call for the briefcase, i'm going baron or sami

but as we know, i may be even worse than daniel when it comes to predicting matches

shinsuke still gets to do his long-ass entrance while the other five guys stand around awkwardly

shane starts talking again, kevin immediately interrupts like excuse me mr commissioner but this is bullshit

dolph, baron and aj lost at backlash, unlike SOMEONE I COULD NAME

starts a promo on shane's weird favouritism giving the lie to smackdown's alleged meritocracy

that, or shane's just jealous of him cos he beat aj

shane reacts like hmmm yes you have some solid points

and puts him in the match?

well that was easy

if you want the match, just shout at shane for like 30 seconds

baron cuts a promo about how everyone else ain't shit, but is sadly betrayed by his mic

aj cuts in to tell us all some more about his house

and an extended three little pigs metaphor

calls kevin eric cartman, the crowd love it

feel like that one's going to stick

calls them all out, but calls shinsuke a rockstar while doing so, and he just smirks like why thank you yes i am

sami starts talking about his climb to glory, baron cuts back across him

with an american football film reference i don't entirely get

sami's like oh ok tell me more about how i KICKED YOU IN THE FACE

kevin tells sami to shut up, dolph tells him to shut up like hey guys remember when i won this briefcase before

do you really need another one, dolph

how many documents do you carry to work with your hoodie and wrist tape

shinsuke takes his mic, lets the crowd stew a bit

as he does so well

then basically introduces himself and says he's going to win, cue the massive pop that he can get off saying literally anything

shane cuts in like right guys let's actually do a show

baron/sami later on, kevin/baron v styles/nakamura for the main event

which should be fucking gold

an aj/shinsuke team sounds just amazing

but now it's women's time

nattie and carmella already in the ring

vs charlotte, who's stolen billie kay's black feather look, and becky

naomi, tamina and ellsworth are also here, because why not have the whole division in one room, it saves us having to do booking

one of the facts in charlotte's sidebar is literally just "The Queen of WWE"

[citation needed]

becky's got a new sleeveless trenchcoat thing that i like a lot

and her hair's calmed down since backlash, so i'm not so intimidated

carmella's still in solid red, which i'm still not convinced by

becky headlocks her, noogies her on top of that because giggles

and we cut this match into a quarter screen to play an advert break

is this how we're doing things now?

seems like

so if you like tiny silent wrestling while adverts happen, do i have the video for you

but to be fair, it's an ad break, so it's just the heels beating on becky

this is really weird and it's super hard to concentrate

and we're back in the room

i don't get it

becky keeps going for the big hot tag, nattie is keeping her off it

until now

charlotte tags in and cleans house

goes to the top rope, tamina tries to knock her off, naomi takes her out

becky tags back in and dropkicks the fuck out of nattie

she tags carmella, who tries to get to james, until naomi takes him out too, disarmher for the win

end thing

and let's have a graphic for jinder's punjabi celebration

but up next, corbin/zayn again

and that is now

and it lasts like 20 seconds before sami gets a rollup pin

outstanding

naturally, baron reacts by beating the piss out of him, but that's kind of an occupational hazard

baron throws him into the timekeeper's area and then just smacks him with a chair

and then resumes the piss-beating among the crowd

throws him headfirst into some stairs, hoists him over his shoulder, then drops him on a barricade

baron's needed some hardcore time lately, so this is good

goes to leave, then decides he'd rather punch him in the head on the barricade a bunch

some refs finally materialise to shout him off

it's like handling a wayward bear

baron corbin is probably more scared of you than you are of him

here comes the stretcher and the deeply questionable medics

and let's just cut straight to a graphic for the main event

idiosyncratic smackdown editing, take a shot

but next, fashion files: the final file?

(god, i hope not)

(but luckily, the standard rule about question marks in headlines applies)

but now let's have recap videos of sami getting turned to paté

and now, aj approaches his old friend shinsuke in the locker room

to be like welcome to my dojo

shinsuke's like i'm working with you tonight but i will cheerfully fuck you over at mitb just sayin and walks off

but now it's fashion files time

*tonk tonk*

they've been called into the commissioner's office

unfortunately, the commissioner in this case is shane, who has no clue what's going on

he's like guys you are not actually cops did you know this

which results in them having an existential crisis

they start giving him all their stuff

shane's like guys sort yourselves out you complete weirdos you have singles matches against the usos

so they take their stuff back, cheer up, and fandango takes one of shane's doughnuts but leaves him with a water pistol

i could type literally anything here and you'd have no reason to doubt it

cut to techs preparing the ring for the punjabi celebration

cut for ads, and now lights are down and we have indian drumming

someone starts singing in punjabi, lights come up, we have like nine guys doing proper indian dancing with staffs and stuff

enter the singhs, with indian-style jericho scarfs and less awful shirts than usual

this is actually pretty cool, because they've all committed to it

the dancers line the ramp as the maharaja enters

he has new graphics, and he's stolen the miz's red carpet thing

finally reaches the ring, and it's decorated with garlands and stuff

dancers surround the ring, still givng it some

jbl is very impressed, which is weird given its non-americanness

but i guess heels gonna heel

after a very long intro, jinder might actually talk

this is like a fucking olympic opening ceremony

jbl's like what the fuck is wrong with all these people booing, and to my shame i agree with him

jinder's just like fuck you all i'm the dude

and also you guys are all super racist

even jinder's throat is currently against him

sunil, samir, someone get him a drink

does a thing about randy being in decline, which is kind of objectively true

and he's like hey guys i know you guys don't like this celebration but guess what i don't give a shit

because i'm here for my people

now let me do a thing in punjabi

he does so

usa chants try and drown him out, because fucking america

he finishes, have some pyro

jesus, that was more pyro than seemed reasonable

fun fact: jinder mahal is canadian

(note: yes, heritage is a thing, but i just find that kind of funny)

here's a hype graphic for the main event, but now, have some more trash jazz in this lana video

still coming soon

and now it's time for tag team but not action

jey/tyler first

day one is still h, apparently

even when it's a singles match, tyler gets the breezango music

tyler has all his stuff in a box still for some reason

tom casually drops a treasure of the sierra madre reference into conversation, retains nerd cred

bell rings, jey takes a mic to talk shit at tyler

so fandango squirts him with a water pistol and tyler gets a distraction pin

and now straight on to fandango/jimmy

tyler puts on a grey wig out of his box, taunts jey with some handcuffs, they run around the ring a few times, fandango pins jimmy off the distraction

the actual fuck just happened

that's not a question, it's a statement

that which just happened was the actual fuck

fandango tries to taunt them, his mic is also dead

so tyler fixes it

they want a title rematch again

fandango threateningly gyrates at them

the usos are like fuck it let's do it live

the ref gets a message from backstage, and the match is official

so yes, now we have a tag title match now

and we're doing the tiny screen/cars 3 trailer thing again

tiny picture of the usos beating on tyler

and we're finally back

yeah, tyler is just getting the piss beaten out of him

but then, it;s an ad break

that's how this works

dramatic double tag, fandango comes in on fire, spin kicks jey in the head like fuck you guys i'm actually a p great wrestler

nearfall off a ddt cmbination, jey goes for a falcon arrow but then just smacks fandango's head into the turnbuckle instead

double superkicks to both of them, jimmy goes for a superfly splash, fandango counters into a nearfall

goes to the top, gets punched in the head

jimmy blind tags in, fandango does the last dance on jey, but then jimmy superfly splashes him for the pin

nice finish

confirmed on reply, that was really nicely coordinated

so the usos retain, and i'm ok with this

but next it's main event time

and i realise i may have earlier said it's kevin/baron

it's not, it's kevin/dolph

but now, shane's on the phone to someone when nattie comes in to badger him for a title shot

until carmella, james and becky come in to tell him why they should have a shot

and tamina like you guys have all fucked up title shots, i haven't

side effect of never getting one

james claims this is because she's secretly in love with him

sure

and here's charlotte to tell everyone how they suck

shane finally cuts through the argument

next week, five-way contendership match for the title at mitb

and who knows, maybe after that this division can support two angles at the same time

advert for the 205 street fight, which i'm looking forward too

and a promo from kendrick and his overactive hands

fuck off, guy behind the announce table with your too sweet sign

back in the ring, we’ve already got three people in

and here's kevin

clearly we didn't have enough time in this show for shinsuke's full entrance twice

kicking off with aj/dolph, because let's save the big pops

weird for aj not to be the big pop on a team

styles/ziggler has just turned into a dropkick contest

double tag, the crowd is hype as fuck

kevin just shouts at aj and shinsuke about how they're both losers

so shinsuke kicks him in the face some

seems fair

goes for a kinshasa, kevin rolls out

cut for ads, come back to shinsuke infuriating kevin with his weird floppy thing

does good vibrations, which pisses kevin off enough to get the offence back

dolph tags in, kicks shinsuke in the knee and scrubs his face on the rope

his two weak spots

dolph does a weird sexual harassment neckbreaker, then into a chickenwing crossface, and it's all a little bit predatory

kevin tags, and as ever, only the heels get to be organised

they're really not putting shinsuke over as hard as i'd expected

but to be fair, i guess with this crowd reaction, he'll be over as fuck whatever happens

he could lose every week for a year and everyone would still think he was awesome

dolph's still wearing his neon design vest, and all i'm getting from it is that mike pence fucked a horse graphic

aj almost tags in, kevin knocks him off the apron and cannonballs shinsuke

cut for ads, and when we come back nakamura is still getting fucked on

kevin tags dolph back in, shouting for him to take his revenge

strike him down, young one

dolph gets punched in the face a bunch and bullfought into the post, shinsuke gets the dramatic tag

so aj punches everyone to death, ushigoroshi for the nearfall

and tom doesn't call it an ushigoroshi, probably cos he can't do it justice

aj sets up a styles clash, kevin distracts him long enough for dolph to hotshot him

kevin tags in, sentons aj on the floor, puts him up on the apron just so he can kick him off again

and then takes a break to taunt nakamura because he can

and throws aj into the ring to apply a master headlock

aj tries to run the ropes on kevin, he counters into a beautiful back body drop

it's like professional vaulting up in here

dolph tags in, weirdly caresses aj before headbutting him

slow-ass superplex setup, aj escapes but dolph catches him before he can tag

so aj just hits a vicious facebuster on him instead

maybe lead with that

and dramatic double tag, after which shinsuke has regained his flow

and proceeds to use his joints to destroy kevin's

nearfall until dolph gets involved

goes for a famouser, shinsuke dodges, goes for kinshasa, kevin interferes, aj peles him out of the ring, goes for a styles clash, dolph superkicks him out, shinsuke hits kinshasa on kevin for the pin

proper chaotic tag finish there

shinsuke dances around the ring while aj stands on the turnbuckle like dude we get it calm down

kid in the crowd with a violin, i love you

aj and shinsuke pose at each other some more, focus on the briefcase, end

no advert for talking smack, so i have no idea what that'll be about

and nor do you, because i haven't told you

unless you've already heard, what with it being like four days ago

*shakes fist at the spacetime continuum*

#WWE #WWE Raw #wwe smackdown #Wrestling

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