#mental illness is fuckinf weird

[angelpuns]

I know everyone voted for L330-N Au next but I'm gonna sketch out the first few pages of that and Rural Au and just work on whichever one feels better cause tbh I'm getting a little burnt out on Kid Leo and if one of those feels better imma work on those next :/ may even start on them sooner and take a break from KL after this intermission cause this arc is just so big :(

[aroaceyunarukami]

i can't even pretend to be normal about this guy i fuckinf ADORE him im soso weird about him he makes me mentally ill

[salted-caramel-tea]

i hate mcytiktok bc fr i’ve seen three (3) different video edits of tubbo low key panicking about feeling faint and throwing up in mcc last night and that’s fuckinf weird . making cutesy ‘im alive’ video edits about someone being ill is odd. it’s like when ppl made edits of ranboos anxiety attack on stream there’s something so fundamentally wrong with the new gen of fandom we preach at each other about respect and how horrible it is to glamourise and romanticise mental illness and ill health and then we,,, turn around and make video edits with sad music of people genuinely struggling with those things for clicks . go fuck your self

[smileymoth]

ed / nutritionists/ sh whatever

I am so easily triggered by food talk its ridiculous. i hear anyone mention food plans diet plans calories nutrionists healthy eating clean eating intermediate fastign etc etc etc etc any food related topics and i just instantly shrivel up and want to end it right then and there. I told my mom can we not talk about food at newyears when i had a panic attack over grocery shopping and she still does it i hate it. I dont want to talk about food please let me be a trainwreck in peace i dont want a random healthnut nutritionist to tell me what to and what to not eat im already so miserable on a day to day basis let me have food i actually enjoy eating please i know i get mad triggered over food in general for fuck sakes i had a panic attack over a bowl of rice while my friend looked at me weird i dont need more anxiety over food since im already so picky and not capable of making food for myself most of the times. I knwo im a bastard who is unhealthy i know it probably affects psoriasis but have you considered that maybe being severely depressed also influences that. It only flared up again after my dad died it was gone for a few years already and now its back better than ever and now my mom is on my back about healthy eating and movement like mom im trying please leave me alone i already have anxiety over food i dont need more of it i really dont i really dont i really dont i really dont i need a psychologist not a nutritionist but i cant fuciifn have that i cant even have a psychiatrist i want to go back to collegetown already and ive only been home for an hour and 30 minutes i want to go back i hate being here i wish it was like back in highschool i dont cqre that dad was mad at me if i went to sleep 5 minutes too late or that i ****** myself out of fear of food bc i cant stand people seeing me eat i still cant i still freak out when i eat "too much" becqyse i eont kbow what a normal portion is i cant have a fuckinf nutritionist tell me what to do id actually harm myself over it bc id just seevmyself as an obeast lazy bastard who cant stick to plansbecause theyre probably all fucjign annoying white women who weigh 1 cigarette and a single grape bx theyre so healthy and fit and never eat sugar ever am i overrreactign absolurely do i care absolutely not because i am fucked up in the brain and i dotn want people to help me wirh this because i am slowly getting better with healthier eating and if someone tried to monitor it id harm myself i want to go back to my apartment i dont wanr to be here i hate how it happens every time i go home i dont want to talk about food i dont want ro ralk about health i just want to come home and feel happy but i cant because my dad will never be here again and my mom is stressed and tired from work and my grandma is chronically ill forever and my aunt is somehow even more paranoid than i am and is slowly losing her mind because she worries so much. I want my fucking therapist back i hate everything so much iwish i wasnt a mentally ill cunt with issues that make my mom worry for me. Dont worry about me just leave me alone leave me the fuck alone . I want to leeaaaaaaavveeeeeeeeee

[noxiatoxia]

KAORU KDYIGN / HIKARU LIVING TO MOURN HIM IS SO SAD,, its my favorite though! i am mentally ill tee hee

tw suicide Btw. big tw

its just with the way hikaru always feels like he should be fixing things, being the 'protector' and whatnot.. he would so blame himself. especially if kaoru commits suicide. not to get angsty but i love getting fuckinf MURDERED by the kaoru committing suicide trope. just absolutely ruined emotionally. so sad

i feel like kaoru would try to make it as painless as possible for hikaru. like he'd wait until after graduation, move away, distance himself.. plan every last detail so hikaru won't have to suffer through going through all his things/all the other stuff you have to do for someone after they die. in the note, he promises hikaru that this is what he wanted, that he's happier now. hikaru can only see that he's failed somehow. that he couldn't even keep his brother happy enough to stay alive. it completely kills him and there's nothing he can do about it because it's too late. he can't fix it anymore,, its already over

and of course, kaoru makes it so subtle, hides his pain so well. he says that them moving away from each other is the only way for them to truly become independent adults, and he says it with a genuine smile, because he's doing it because he loves hikaru. even though he's doing it so it doesn't hurt hikaru as much when he's gone, he also genuinely wants hikaru to live on his own and learn to be fully independent. hikaru being a fully independent adult was always the end plan to kaoru, whether kaoru was dead or not.

what kaoru didn't understand was that no matter what, it would've still hurt the same. kaoru was under the impression that because they'd grown up, that because he'd convinced hikaru to live alone, and hikaru was happy, he just wasn't necessary anymore. so he could go without consequence or pain to anyone. since he thought of hikaru was so much more important than himself, he didn't think of himself as important or worthwhile, or loved at all. and so he thought everyone else thought that about him too.

everyone was devastated because they truly loved him, but he never lived to learn that. he died thinking no one would care when actually they did, they cared so much, they just didn't *know*.

I'm not good at writing mourning/grief so i can't accurately tell how exactly hikaru would react, and how it would affect him in the long run, but obviously,, he'd be fuckingn destroyed. he really thought everything was okay, everything was going to be alright, they were going to face the world together and be independent together,, that kaoru already got past all of his depressive problems,, and now his brother's gone and he doesn't know what he did wrong.

this is a cry for help! 🌟 /joking but GOD i am a sad sad person aren't i

alternatively, hikaru could figure out he's distancing himself. or one of the others could figure it out and be like 'hey somethings wrong with kaoru' because in the stress of graduating and moving and figuring out what they're gonna do with their lives, hikaru doesn't really notice kaoru's getting really quiet. they're both super busy, living kinda far from each other, so its not *super* weird that they don't talk as much.

i think maybe hani or mori would tell hikaru, since they're not caught up in all the 'new adult' chaos, they already got past that two years ago. so objectively, from an outside standpoint, they can see that the way kaoru is behaving is really weird. and they try to say maybe that's how he copes, he's just kinda weird right now because of stress, etc.,, then he moves miles away and avoids most of their texts and they're like ok somethings wrong. and then kaoru actually gets better and lives when they intervene. i imagine they would bother him every day, especially hikaru. like you think you can escape us??? the ouran highschool host club???? no. answer our texts or we show up to your door and Break in. they refuse to give up on him, and that alone makes kaoru start to believe they really do want him around.

sorry this got so long,, my bad lol

OOOOH MY GOD NO FUCKING WAY NO WAYYY.... OK OK

THIS IDEA BREAK MY HEART AS ALWAYS BUT... ITS SO GOOD!!!! I love death and destruction.

Kaoru could die from a lot of things of course, but I think suicide is one of the most thematically heartbreaking ones. Cuz like you say, Hikaru tries so hard to protect Kaoru. He cares a lot about him, obviously, and so for Kaoru's death to be by HIS own hands... Hikaru would feel like he personally failed somewhere.

God, where do I even begin... well, the start, I think, would be like you said. It's after highschool. Kaoru wants to distance him to make it less painful for his brother, so he literally waits until after HS to do this. But during highschool.... it's always in the back of his head. He tells himself, year 2, he's going to do this. He's going to kill himself. It's perfect, too, because if by the time he graduates and he doesn't feel the same...? No issues. But if he DOES feel the same? Then he feels even more sure in himself. He would feel that, if three years pass and he still feels like this is the best thing to do, then he is right.

It's very scary, because no one notices, and that's mainly because... kaoru isn't "sad" anymore. He had some really bad depressive episodes in their 2nd year, episodes that scared Hikaru to death, scared EVERYONE badly, but they seemed to "go away". Kaoru just... stopped being depressed. It's sudden, but at the time, Hikaru was just so happy to have his brother back he didn't think about the logistics of why Kaoru is suddenly not dealing with his depression anymore.

Simply put, his depression ended the moment he decided he was going to take his own life. He finally felt at peace to know there was going to be an end, a fix-all, and it was going to happen soon. It made him happy. Content. And so, he didn't feel the need to mope anymore, because all their problems would be resolved soon, how could he be sad about that?

So when graduation comes, Kaoru abruptly announces he wants to live on his own. This takes Hikaru by surprise, and at first he fights it. But Kaoru insists he wants to live on his own. He wants them to start being individuals. Hearing this hurts Hikaru, and he asks Kaoru if he's still thinking that "dumb shit" he did back in highschool. Kaoru laughs at him, he says, "No way, I got over that in highschool. I'm doing this for me." and... he seems genuine. So, reluctantly, Hikaru lets him go, because he doesn't want to bar his brother from happiness if this is what he really wants.

Of course, Hikaru doesn't make this easy. He literally texts and calls him everyday. Probably visits everyday, too. Even when they start attending college, Hikaru visits/crashes at his place often.

It hurts, but Kaoru has to up the ante. Because he doesn't want to hurt Hikaru, and seeing as his brother is still too attached, he needs to give him a reason for them to grow distant.

It's simple. He starts telling Hikaru he's busy with schoolwork. He starts saying he's busy hanging out with other new friends he's made. He tells Hikaru he simply doesn't want to talk right now.

All this is bullshit, but it works, slowly but surely. Hikaru spends less time with him, not because he wants to, but because it seems like Kaoru is genuinely busy with his own life, and though it really hurts, Hikaru doesn't want to intrude. He knows they'll always be close, they'll always be brothers, but... Kaoru just has his own priorities and life now. And he has to respect that much. His visits become bi-weekly. His calls every other day, maybe every three days. Still sends at least 1 text a day. Kaoru rarely responds.

And, deep down, he knows he should worry. Something isn't right. Something is wrong, he can feel it. But he's too scared. He's too scared to admit something may be wrong with Kaoru. He was so happy, so relieved when his brother broke out of his depression in highschool. He doesn't want to think it's back, or worse, it never went away. Because then, that means he's never noticed. All this time, he's never noticed Kaoru has been just... lying to him. And the thought makes him angry, angry at himself for not noticing, angry at Kaoru for lying. And he doesn't want to believe it, so he doesn't. Kaoru is simply busy, that's all there is to it. He's stopped answering his texts, his calls. But that's okay. He's just busy. He's not talking to the other Host Club members, either. It's fine. He's busy.

Hikaru caves in and visits him.

That's when, well... I think you can guess. I don't know what Kaoru's method was, but it was probably something as painless as possible. It's not like he wants a painful, gory death. Especially because he knows Hikaru, one way or another, is going to see his body. So he figures out the cleanest, most painless way to take himself out, and does just that. He leaves behind a note, of course. A long one. He addresses all his friends in it, gives them all a specific section to talk to them personally, and Hikaru's is the longest.

Hikaru doesn't think he's ever seen his brother apologize so much before.

And from there... it's a blur. Writing grief may not be your thing, but ohhhh boy, it sure is MY thing.

Hikaru is in shock and is in denial. BIG denial. As in, he's tricking himself into believing Kaoru is still alive. He's not dead, he isn't. Hikaru can feel him with him, still. Hear his voice. He's not dead, he's not.

It's not until Haruhi, bluntly but quiet and sympathetic, tells him he's not coming back. Kaoru is gone.

It's a whirlwind of emotions, then. Hikaru is heartbroken, utterly and completely. Sobbing, wondering how he could have let this happen. This is all his fault. If only he had intervene, if only he had visited Kaoru more, told him he loved him more, actually noticed his pain, noticed he wasn't okay, if only he wasn't so fucking stupid and useless and knew how to help his brother. And because he fucked up, Kaoru is gone forever. It's all his fault. It's all he can think about.

He drops out of college. The only time he sees his friends is when they visit him to give him company. He knows they're just doing it because they're worried about him. And Hikaru wonders why they never did this for Kaoru. They should've.

Soon, the grief turns into anger. At everyone. Why the hell didn't you people do anything? At least one of you had to see he wasn't alright. Nobody but Hikaru visited him, and that's fucked up! It's all YOUR faults this happened! Why do they care so much about him, now that Kaoru is gone!? They wouldn't have to be visiting him like this if they just did their fucking jobs as friends and noticed there was something wrong with Kaoru! He starts lashing out at his friends, his parents. It's all their faults for not trying hard enough. For not caring enough.

And then, after a while, the anger is directed at Kaoru.

Because, what the fuck? What was he thinking? Instead of just talking about it, he goes and kills himself? Why was his brother so stupid? Why couldn't he see this was obviously the worst thing he could have done? Why couldn't he see NOBODY wanted this? That it made nobody happy? Why didn't he just do the RIGHT thing and talk about it? Why was he such a selfish coward to go and take his own life and make everyone else miserable?

The thing is, for most people, pain dulls with time. But not Hikaru. The grief consumes him, because he can't understand, and he's so furious. His anger becomes a core trait of his, he's almost always irritable and rude now. He doesn't want to talk to people, he hates them all. He just wants Kaoru back. He'd give anything to have Kaoru back.

A year later, for the first time since Kaoru's initial passing, Hikaru cries. It comes full circle, and he's back to grieving, to blaming himself, to wishing this was all just some awful nightmare.

If this is anything like how Kaoru was feeling, Hikaru finally understands. It's unbearable. Living day to day life in such constant soul-crushing agony is pure torture, and he just wants it to end.

He wonders if Kaoru was happy in his final moments. If he felt relief. Hikaru wonders. Because he's sure that he would.

He wants to.

And whether or not he does... is up to your personal interpretation.

BUT since shit like this HURTS ME, I'm gonna throw in a happier ending :'D

I like your second idea, that it's Hani and Mori who intervene. Hikaru, like I said, is too scared. Too scared to admit something may be wrong. Hani and Mori see it, though. They notice how distant Kaoru is becoming, how he refuses to talk to anybody. It sets off alarm bells for the two of them, and so they waste no time checking in on Kaoru.

Of course, it's subtle... they're just visiting their friend, cuz he must be lonely all by himself! Hani brings sweets, Mori brings books. Small gifts. And they visit bi-daily.

"You guys, I'm really busy, can you come back later?" Kaoru asks.

"But I brought cake!" Hani would argue. "Just for a few minutes, pleeeeease? We can eat cake and then we'll go!"

And of course the visits are always more than a "few minutes". They rope Kaoru in with eating cake and talking about books or cinderella lmfao and generally getting Kaoru engaged. They don't invite the other club members because this is about KAORU, and they want Kaoru to know that. They want him to feel like the center of attention. Mori and Hani have this planned out, man.

This makes things much harder for Kaoru, because now he has to feel guilty about Hani and Mori, too. Of course he'd feel guilty leaving everyone behind, but the person he worried about the most was Hikaru. But now, suddenly, Hani and Mori seem to want to be his best friends, and that kind of stings.

He's getting conflicted. He tells himself, tomorrow. He'll do it tomorrow.

And the day after that.

And the day after that, too.

It's getting harder to convince himself. And, slowly, Hani and Mori are reintroducing the other members back into his life. Of course, the two let them in on what they're doing, basically instructing them to make sure Kaoru has a good time, cuz that's the goal. They bring Haruhi into it, and then Tamaki, and then Kyoya. Finally, they bring Hikaru into it. They wanted Hikaru to be last in on this, because they know he's indirectly the source of a lot of Kaoru's mental issues. Hikaru obviously has no clue about ANY of this, and so at first he's a little pissed like "YOU GUYS WERE HAVING PARTIES WITH KAORU WITHOUT ME???"

But they invite him, he comes over ofc, and he's really happy to be spending time with Kaoru again. Everyone is, and they make that known.

Kaoru has no clue what to do now. He doesn't know what's the right answer or not.

He writes his suicide note. He doesn't kill himself that night. He puts it away in a box.

It's really meek and awkward and hesitant, but when Hani and Mori visit him alone again one day, he asks them, "Don't you ever wonder if things would be better off if you weren't around?"

And Hani tells him, "If you have to 'wonder' it at all, then they probably wouldn't be."

Kaoru thinks a lot about that response. He wonders so much, always, constantly, about a world without him. How great that could be. But it's always just his imagination, his... dream, so to speak. Never has he thought from Hikaru's perspective, or anyone's for that matter. Never has he thought about the little things in life people may be losing if he weren't around anymore.

He wonders if he's doing the right thing at all.

It takes a bit. He does some thinking. Actual thinking, from every angle. What would the world be like without him? Would it really be better? Would Hikaru really be better off without him? Would anyone?

He thinks about their visits. Everyone seems to genuinely happy with him. They're laughing. They wouldn't have the chance to laugh like that if he was gone.

Hani is a great guy, he starts putting ideas (good ones) into Kaoru's head. Things like "if you can't do something today, there's always tomorrow" and asking him all the things Kaoru wants to do before he dies.

Kaoru's never really thought about that before, but there are things he's never actually done before, even with the money he has. He's never eaten deep fried oreos. Sounds awful, he's so curious, what is wrong with commoners? He hasn't watched every live action Cinderella adaptation. he wants the bragging rights of saying he has. He still hasn't learned Russian, he's always wanted to. Soon, Kaoru is thinking about all these things HE wants, things that are best for HIM. And he realizes, if he dies right now, he won't get his chance to do any of this stuff.

And Hani is right. There's always tomorrow. He doesn't need to end his life right now. It can wait. There's no rush. There's always tomorrow.

The idea that there's an easy way out is like a cushion for him, but slowly, that's all it becomes: a cushion. A comforting thought, and nothing more. It stops being a plan. It even stops becoming a backup. It's just... a comforting thought. And when he moves back in with Hikaru, Hani and Mori throwing them a private little party, it even stops becoming that. It's not really comforting anymore. It's kind of scary, in all honesty.

It's the first time in a while he's thought this, but,

he doesn't want to die.

And it continues like that. Hani is a really wise dude, despite what many may think. And he's influenced the way Kaoru thinks and copes way more than anyone else could. And now, a year later, Kaoru is still alive, and honestly? He's happy to be alive. He's happy he's here with Hikaru. More than happy. And Hikaru is, too.

There's just one last thing he wants to do.

One night, Kaoru says he wants to show Hikaru something. It's really, really important. And Hikaru better not tell anybody else about it. Hikaru agrees, of course.

And Kaoru doesn't know why he wants to, but it feels more like a need. A way to explain to Hikaru what's been going through his head this whole time. A way of finally burying this arc in his life.

He digs out his old, unused suicide note and lets Hikaru read it. All of it.

It's embarrassing, maybe even shameful, Kaoru thinks. It's not something he ever meant anyone to see while he was alive. And having his brother read it in the same room as him makes him feel really ashamed of himself. Hikaru, though... all he can do it read with some sort of icy dread. It grows in his veins, he can barely think about the implications about everything Kaoru has written. All he can think is that his brother, at some point, came so, so close to taking his own life. And Hikaru didn't even know.

Hikaru squeezes Kaoru into the tightest hug ever, trying really hard not to cry, but shaking nonetheless. He tells Kaoru how unbelievably happy and proud he is that Kaoru didn't go through with it. His life would be a nightmare without Kaoru.

Kaoru is happy, too.

And that same night, together, they burn the note outside and watch it go up in flames.

[pawtistics]

gnna kin on main excuse the KFF verbiage but Fuck, im harrow, ok, right, and her brand of mental illness is literally my exact brand of mental illness and she is So fucking important to me. she’s my favorite character ever to exist. BUT. Jesus fuuuuucking christ Nona is literally actually me, like me currently now right now. nona is me, and nona is me as a kid, and nona is. Like. She was so fucking. Weird and serendipitous and poignant to read. as much as i relate to harrowhark it’s like nona encapsulates,, fucking everything. shes 19. she doesn’t know anything like Literally anything which can be credited to many things up to and including memory loss, mental illness, autism, etc. she loves dogs more than anything. she has to be forced into eating. she’s bright and she’s happy. she also seizes the chance to die. she’s cheerful and remarkable and she’s hiding secrets and she’s stupid ! but her friends genuinely love her for being stupid! and she has weird routines, and identity issues, and no one can tell who she is and she can’t tell either, she has a family that cares for her and she’s dying ;; i literally cant describe her and do her justice. she is strange and she is so ..free and open but also so fuckinf, burdened by . *gestures wildly*

idk i felt an immediate connection to her and even though i believe that she n harrow are separate entities they are also not..not separate

[dovecoffin]

oh my god i did not want to come back to tumblr!! anyhow, daintykillcallout or wtv is not me /srs. i deadass haven't been on tumblr since march 12th¹ bc it wasn't good for my mental health && ive been busy with personal stuff (therapy, catching up with schoolwork, family being in town ect). if im honest, i haven't even been thinking of lolita and ppl associated with cher bc ive been busy. i had sent cher one last message saying that i hope everything works out for cher and that whoever is sending in hate stops², because even if i didn't like cher che still didn't deserve that? anyhow! i have said well over 30 times that ive never sent like genuine fuckinf threats to lolita?? even if i don't like cher since che was weird to me, i just don't have the energy to make a callout post (cfs)

1, message i sent to my bf after deleting tumblr

2, the message i had sent cher

to address that wackass callout post thing

1 – i do not keep making accounts to talk to cher 💀 i had sent one message on an alt retrospring account once to say i wasn't the one sending stuff to cher, but that's it

2 – che has accused me of stalking, which i haven't, but i dont care enough to make a post about it??

3 – lolita didn't lie abt being disabled, mentally ill or native american ?? 😭😭😭 those accusations are actually insane

4 – “lolita doesn't deserve love, care nor attention” HUH ?? even though i don't like cher i literally don't agree with that ?? ive said to cher that i hope things work out for cher or something along those lines.

5 – pretty sure cher hasn't faked being gifted names, che is an introject of problematic chrs but who cares??, ion know what that 3rd point is, & how the hell does someone fake trauma????

literally NONE of the anons are me, and ive said this so many times before. to my old friends, my bf, my parents, even my therapist. i have better things to do than send in hate to someone.

making a blog pretending to be me when ive had tumblr deleted is actually fucking insane. i wish only the worst for whoever runs that thing. i could've made a callout post talking about stuff that happened when i was dating cher, but it's personal drama?? i don't see the point of making some stupid tumblr post over it.

anyhow, i do not run that blog nor do i send threats to lolita. & im not planning on staying on tumblr very long after posting this. my heart truly goes out to lolita, this is bullshit

[asmallbluedinosaurnamed-chonk]

i think it’s Time To Disappear now

[tylerwritez]

Sunday, September 19th, 2021, 10:31 p.m.

Hey guys

I'm here again,,, which, as y'all know, means I've got something to say.

My life has been sorta stupid lately. I dont quite remember when I posted here last, but,,, a LOT has happened since then. I got into a lot of new music and tweaked my image a bit, my parents found out all about my self harm... and now they are being REALLY strict. No closing doors, I gotta do my art downstairs instead of in my room, my messages got searched, my room and bags are regularly searched, its like I have 0 privacy which ie ridiculous because I'm not going to fucking kill myself if left alone for... omg... a few moments :0

Whatever. They're trying. I love my dad. My mom... I love her too yeah, but idk, I have a weird reaction inside me to her touch, I'm like GETOFFME which is so weird???? But it makes me panicky. Idk why. There are so many things I dont know about myself. I proabably have BPD. IM PISSED at my parents for being so strict but I understand why. It's because they're scared I'll hurt myself real bad one of these days and the damage will be hospital/death level.

I haven't self harmed since I cut up my left leg... so that's how long... lemme check

Since September 11th

It's been only 8 days? WHAT THE FUCKKKK??? it feels like so much longer. I guess that's what it's like when you're addicted... time passes slowly. For example, it feels like FOREVER since I last smoked a cig, but it was really on the 17th.

I made a new friend which is cool. I'm going to call them Velo, which is in their disc user but not their actual name. Velo is pretty cool... they're a chill person, and I'm afraid I maybe came off as annoying, but I'm doing my best at social interaction,,, its been a long time.

Velo has been helping my tattoo my arm, I did a heart and they designed a face to go inside the heart. So far it's looking super epic! I also have a smiley face on my knee, a sad face on the other knee, and I'm going to do a sun so i can match my BFF, whos getting a moon.

Wow I'm so #rebellious

ANYWAYS I'm not here to talk about my shitshow life. I'm here cos I'm sad and I wanna talk about that and HONESTLY doing my best right now Not to hurt myself because I WANT TO HURT MYSELF!!!! so badly. But it makes me feel guilty,... my parents were so upset. Crying and shit. It made me feel so bad, but like, they shouldnt be doing all that crying shit in front of me... I swear sometimes they forget that I have feelings too...

Right now, I'm mostly upset about my slight weight gain... I'M FUCKING FAT and ugly as fuck, my acne meds dont seem to be working and I... my fucking face... is shaped WEIRD.... i look at my body and I dont even see anything remotely human it all looks disgusting and fat and gross and repulsive and like some kinda of monster and my skin is disgusting and full of acne like some kinda monstrous thing and I have got scars and scabs and... it hurts. It hurts knowing how fucking ugly I am. Seeing that other kids my age havent got dots all over their fucking faces, it's just me. Since I was 10 years old. And IM FAT holy shit I'm so fat I'm so ugly I dont even look human my lips are gross and my nose is fucked up and I dont even look like a boy becos my thighs and hips are fuckinf massive I hate seeing little blond children knowing theyll grow up without my fuckinf problems, I HATE IT, I HATE CHILDREN I WANT TO FUCKING KILL THOSE PERFECT FUCKING KIDS FUCK FUCK FUCKKK I hate seeing them knowing their family loves them and they never have to question that, knowing theyll grow up without the struggles of being trans, knowing theyll grow up without the struggles of being mentally ILL and of having everyone deny your sickness and assume you're a bad person and ruin your ability to trust adult authority figures and ruin your relationship with your parents and ruin your ability to walk into offices without crying or tensing up FUCK if I was a bit more off the rails than I am right now id take one of those little blond kids and beat the shit outta them because fUCK, FUCK, FUCK YOU, ,, WHY YOU ??? WHY YOU AND NOT ME? WHY??? WHAT COULD I HAVE DONE AS A CHILD TO DOOM ME TO THIS??? and the answer is nothing. It's not that kids fault, or my fault, or some fake gods fault, or my parents fault, or the teachers fault..... its nobodies fault. This is just how things ended up. A combination of faults from everyone. We are all to blame, but in little, complex pieces that make me think that nobody is to blame.

Its sadder having no one to blame. You cant rile up your anger and point a finger saying YOU did this to me, its YOUR fault... you just gotta put your head down on your desk and cry because there was nothing anyone couldve done to make it better for you.

I'm sad.

Yknow tonight when i went to bed, I couldnt find my nice pillow... it's one of those fuckinf memory foam cool whatever pillows with a batman pillowcase. I looked all over for it but then I realized that the pillow in question is the one I use at my DADS house.... and i broke down crying. I was confused, my brain was confused, between my two houses, because it was thinking of it's old life.... in one house... I'm not even upset about the divorce, I swear to god I'm not. It's just sometimes, my brain is confused about where i am... and I just find that so SAD. It's like oh, right, my parents dont love each other no more, I forgot about that for a moment.

Yikes. ANYWAYS. talking about this didn't help much cos I'm still bawling my eyes out. I'd love to smoke some to calm me down but I only have 2 and I'm saving em for lunch tommorow with my friend... goddamn. I give in. If I'm not too exhausted, I'm going to burn myself and then ill cry some more cos I look like freddy fuckin kreuger then I'll burn myself some more.

Goodnight guys... not that theres anyone out there whose even listening, who even CARES. Jesus.

[theworldsoul]

Sorry guys, I'm gonna vent Again, so if you don't want to read it just feel free to skip this post

Okay so basically we have a Gecko. Don't ask, that's another story for another time. My dad has grown fond of it, and I used to think he was cool until a specific day. On that say I fed him worms with a tweezer. When I picked them up, I could PHYSICALLY FEEL THEIR PAIN. I dont really know what happened there, but I physically felt their pain and i squeezed them. My dad said, "squeeze harder, do it by the head", and i tried it and i felt a jolt of pain... I told myself "you are just imagining the pain, its okay" but then when I looked back at the worm, squirming and struggling... I connected some dots in my brain and this hard realization came upon me, that I was causing this poor creature pain. I began to cry and my dad had to feed the gecko that day. Ever since then I havent interacted with the gecko because every time I do it freaks me out a bit. I dont really understand what happened that time but I want to forget about it before I go near the gecko again. I've been trying to get closer to him but I always freak out.

So today I was on my computer, right? Drinking a tea. Trying to feel peaceful. Then all of a sudden my dad is there, all happy with the gecko, and I go "oh hi!!!" Because I am under the impression that the gecko will stay ON HIS HAND. Of course I'm wrong. My dad encourages him to go onto the table to see me. I EXPECT the gecko to walk onto the table and towards me, but TO MY SURPRSISE, the gecko basically jumpscares me by suddenly jumping from his hand onto and nearby watterbottle. I jump a bit, startled, and I spill tea all over my computer, the table, and my sleeve. As I'm processing what happened I'm overtaken by fear and I begin to cry.

Of course I'm fine and I'm just overreacting, but I was scared. I wasnt hurt, my computer mousepad barely works now but I wasnt hurt. So why was I so scared of a little gecko? I dont know. So I'm crying and trying to clean up the mess of tea everywhere and my dad is mad at me for spilling my tea and he asks why I did that and I tell him that I was scared since it jumped so suddenly, yknow I wasnt expecting it. I dont remeber his exact words but it was soemthing about me being 15, like "oh well since you're 15 now you should grow the fuck up" basically. Then he left. Like???? I am literally trying to get my breathing back to a normal pace because I'm SCARED, I was just JUMPSCARED, and you get MAD AT ME??? YOUR CHILD IS FUCKING SCARED AND YOU JUST LEAVE THEM?? the whole time I was cleaning I could hear him in the other room talking to the gecko, all carefree and happy... while I did my best not to cry. Damn okay. It almost made me feel like I was below human.

Usually this wouldnt be such a big fucking deal, but I'm an emotional person. And also I notice that,,, whenever my sister is scared they lunge at the chance to help her feel safe again. It's like they hate me specifically.

I know I'm making a big deal out of something that is really not a big deal. Really all that happened was a little gecko jumped and I got scared. I'm overdoing it. But that's just how I am now. I really don't want to believe that I'm broken or anything, but fuck i think i genuinely am messed up if stupid shit like this makes me freak out... reminder that this all began with EMPATHIZING WITH A FUCKING MEALWORM. I'm jsut so fucking broken. And in the moments I was left alone to console myself as quietly as possible so as not to make anyone angry, I felt my body become possessed with another soul.

This happens sometimes, where I will sorta have the mindset of a child. I force it sometimes to cope, but other times it happens on it's own whenever I feel unloved or otherwise bad like this. I'm not too sure if this is a normal thing. But I describe it as possession. The fact that that event made me get possessed is kinda a big deal. Usually that only happens at REALLY BAD THINGS.

But this wasn't really bad... I'm just being sensitive and overdoing it.

Honestly my parents are right... I really do need to grow up. But I think I have something wrong with me, with my brain, because there are just so many things about this story that are so... wrong. Like, what sort of person freaks out and cries for an hour because they got jumpscared? What sort of person then has their body SWITCH SOULS because they feel like their parents dont love them? WHAT SORT OF PERSON EMPATHIZES WITH A WORM??? it's all so weird. Like, who knows, maybe my parents arent that bad, maybe I'm just like... weird. I'm totally overdoing this. I'm totally overdoing this. I'm making such a big deal out of it... but I cant help it. That's just my emotions.

Shit, I should really get a therapist. All the ones I've been to so far tell me my emotional reactions are totally normal but THIS DOESNT SEEM FUCKING NORMAL TO ME. I've overreacted to shit my whole life. It's not. Helpful.

On another note, I notice that my crying doesnt induce a "concern" reaction in my father. It induces an "anger" reaction. They arent bad people, I just... I'm beginning to think they really fucking hate me.

They have all the reaosn to, but a lot of those reasons are things that couldve been fixed early on if the adults around me cared about my feelings enough to try to sort them out. It's been fifteen years and now I'm fucked up. Irreversible. Just. So.. so fuckinf damaged. I dont think I'll ever be normal. And I hate ft. But it cant happen.

Soemtimes I think it was a bad idea to choose to live after the party. It was the perfect time to die and I told myself no, dont do it. It was... perfect. Calling to me. I think it was my destiny to die that day. I think that now I am cursed since I dodged my destiny.

I try not to think that way. I tell myself that I am going to change so much. I tell myself that my passion will be my strength. But the way my life is going, it really doesnt feel like I will become anything good.

I'm failing my classes. They KNOW about my soul shifting. I cry too much. All I ever do is draw STUPID FUCKING DRAWINGS and play STUPID FUCKING MUSIC and play fashion designer in my room stitching things up... fucking hell. They're right to hate me. I'm a failure. But they're also wrong to hate me. A lot of the things they dont like about me are things that are THEIR FAULT.

Man, I dont even know what to think anymore. All I really ever wanted was their love. But it's impossible for me to get it now, so I should just forget about it. I cant though. It plagues me. The thought that they hate me. It hurts me. And when its confirmed to me... i'm sorry. All I ever do is complain about the most mundane bullshit ever. My parents are proabbly actually good people I'm just overdoing it because I'm I'm proabbly mentally ill or soemthing. And I'm a failure anyways so I cant fucking blame them for not liking me that much anwyays. God, fifteen is very old. And I'm a boy. I hate to say it but they're right. Fuck, they're right. I cant be crying... I'm so oversensitive. But wait, why am I trying so hard to justify their ideas? ITS BECAUSE I FEEL GUILTY CONDEMNING THEIR ACTIONS. WHY DO I FEEL GUILTY. goddamn it...

I dont know how I'm gonna fix this though. I kinda wish my parents would treat me with the softness that I NEED, that my mind NEEDS and has needed for a while now, but I know that wont happen and really I'm just this overgrown child thing and oh fuck I wonder who's fault that is??? Cos it isn't all on me. Oh shit, now I'm scared. If I get a bad mark on my test my parents will freak out. I think I'm going to cry again. Fuck man, I try my hardest, it's just I'm literally defective. I cant do any better. I've been set up to fail anyways. Fuck. I just... I dont know, I wish things were different.

This is stupid and I'm being stupid and freaking out over one little thing. Fuck.

[lm111]

hi

sorry i haven’t been writing a lot i’ve been kinda in a weird mood.

i’ve been having all these thoughts recently. i’ve always been kind of insecure in myself and i’ve always hated it. but recently i feel so extremely insecure compared to my friends. their looks their personalities their everything. i feel like i’m everyone’s last choice and i fuckinf hate it.

i’ve been working really hard on my eating and body image problems though, same with male validation. but for me it’s even harder with the comparing issue. even if i just push the thiught away ik it’s not really doing anything which bothers me. i don’t know how to be confident in every aspect of who i am. and i know no one rlly is but i want to feel better.

i think for me to do this i need to learn more about psychology. this is the thing i hate abt school. for the past 15 years all i’ve learned abt is dna genetics and shit like that. i’ve never learned about mental illness and the facts and psychology behind it. maybe if i did i wld be different. who knows.

alright i’m in english again lmao talk to u later

[rchlambr]

when it comes to ppl who are all pricefield vs amberprice and hate one or the other theres literally no fuckinf point lmao its not even a matter of multishipping when it comes to these two relationships, like they didnt even coexist in the same time frame, its literally just life and how we uhh have more than one person in our lives

appreciating and loving both ships is also just.. p much loving chloe and her life as a character, they both are such a huge part of chloe and hating one is kinda weird if u love chlo ? like rach isnt only a big person in chloe’s life who she loves but its also like.. her first gf.. her first love (at least that shes self aware of) especially while chlo is discovering she likes girls and doesnt like boys. shes a 16yr old babie lesbian discovering herself and going through something so big and new so like.. even if u dont like amberprice bc its just not ur thing where is the reason to hate it so bad if u truly love chlo. bc thats such an important part of every gay girls life while growing up. and as for hating pricefield is just pointless as hell theyre literally childhood bestfriends and they will be together always even if there was some rocky parts along the road they support eachother so much they are two soft ass gays even if dontn*d did them dirty they dont deserve the backlash plus if u dont consider how much they love eachother and learned about eachother again into just a week of seeing eachother after 5 yrs just.. pls take that situation and imagine how u would be only in that short amount of time with a mound of trauma and mental illness on top of it lol

[teahouse3]

God ok i haven't vented because everyone hates me and wants me to stfu but i cant take this anymore!!!!!! Ny depression has been shitty and bad since high school ended i dont have a job anymore i dont know what im doing and im unable to even take a shower or talk to anyonw because of fucking anxiety!!! Abd paranoia abd everyonw keeps leaving me bevause im apparebtly a toxic delusional person i wasent even mean yo tyen!!! And it hurts because people hate ne and i know people haye me noe and eceryone hates me!!! And alsp im sick of livi n im sick of my bad fucking health and how weird iam and how i csnt even fuckibg talk and hpw i break doqn often vecause i csnt even get help for it!!! What im upset about most is how i need 2 be the best!!! !!! !!! But i know im not,,, Everyone os always better than me I wanna hace a nice style like sleepykinq or scotchtapeofficial abd make cool stuff and likw everyone loves them and they arw t e best but honesrly nobody gives a shit aboyt mw Like I honestly dont fucking exist If i dint force myself to say hi to some9ne nobody ever cares how im doing!!! And everything is shit haha!!! IM DONE TRYING!!! everyone fucking hates me im ao insecure about myself abd my art cause i need 2 be the best but im not!!! Everyone is always better than me!!! Aaaaaaa!!! Like everyone whps youbger and 13 has like jobs and amazing art and commission a and everyone loves them and they hace everything butme o have no job and fucki n depression i csnt even get fucking help for!!! Im serious iv tried fucking ecerything but family dont give a shit dont even give me advice i know ill just disappoint y more!!! I csnt do anything im super sick mentally and im alsp phyiscally bad 2 and i cant fucking do anything!!! Im so!!! Done witu everything i dont even care anykpre!!! O dont cwre!!! Im sick of being thrbwpese thos hurys ao mich i wont be special or anything!!! Im not gonna hace anything im good at ot best at because im always comparws to someone smarter and better!!! And om always called stupid lazy a bitch and a r*tard and in always mad fun pf how im weird and tye hesd snf how i shpilf be locked up those are commebt from my mom!!! I dint o cant do t is anymore!!! Everyone os happy and im a mistakw!!! Im a mistale amd i just wanns kill myself and deleye !!! I will necer be good im always taken advantage of caude im stupid!!@ and nobody takes me serusoly and im rly hurt!!! Im hurt by everyone and NOBODY FUCKING CARES THE SYSTEM DOESNT FUCKINF CARE T E WORLD JUST WANTS F7CKING MONEU AND DIAABLED PEOPLE SHOULD JUST GO DIE RIGHT HAHA CAUSE IN A STUPID PEIXE OF SHIT WASTE OF SPACE WHP WILL NEVER DO ANYTUI N GOOD??? im just so upset and sick of everything i hacent even talked to anypne irl i hacent left yhe house im usless there is nothing i csn do!!! Im sp done im done im done!!! I keep fuckingtrying but i dont deserve anything good cayse eceryone else is always bettwr thab me im sobbinh im so hurt

[ilygsd]

odfidk: 270618

i cry at least once aday cus im only surrounded by whites but like.... there are poc here. theres other adoptees of color and some poc in my DM’s wanting to chat with me and maybe even hang out but fuuuCKKK WHAT IS WRONG WTH ME WHY AM I NOT SOCIAL

i also always cry about how social and happy i used to be but im doing anything about it lmao. like i KNOW that in order to get my shit together i need to sleep and eat and exercize and shit..... do i do that?? absolutely the fuck no cus i love to feel sorry for mysel and watch myself destroy everything

i hate myself, i hate my life i can feel the anxiety coming and when that is i always call my mom but she’s white and im so  paranoid i dont trust white people with anything i REALLLY RESLLY REALLY want a therapist of color but my lazy ass cant even manage to call one cus i’d rather lie in my bed and DIE than doing smth productive with my life

also im together with a white dude and just thinking about how confused i am about this relationship makes me want to die alone. i cant trust my own thoughts and feelings but i SURE AS HELL cant trust anyone else either. not white people, no poc and not adoptees of color either. the only person i trust is my partner cus they know me better than anyone else and theyre wise but fuck i dont trust them either cus i cant even manage to tell them this cus ive already been such a horrible partner and i dont want to huet them but hey no its not even about that. its about ME not wanting to lose them cus im so fucking selfish which is only another reason i should break up. if you knew what a horrible partner, friend and human being ive been you’d all hate me. im such a hypocrite and when i hear my partner forigve me despie me KNEOING what i am like.......

how will i ever find someone who loves me like them. i’ll never find anyone like them. does it really matter that they’re white in that case? yes it does can i’d literally kILL myself if our children were to become white. how can i love myself after all of this. im holding onnto a dream of re-visiting my homecountry and my birth place. im holding omto a dream of learning mandarin and more abt my culture and get lots of chinese and asian friends but like..... who am i kidding. that wont solve my problems. what i feel is so much deeper. what i feel is nothing that can be fixed

IM SO FUCKINF SAD EVERYONE. IM SO SAD AND I MISS MY BIOLOGIAL PARENTS SO FUCKING MUCH. I HATE EVERYONE BUT ONLY BC I DONT KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH MY OWN SELF HATRED AND DISSATISFACTION. IM SO SAD AND FRUSTRATED AND LONELY AND I JUST WANT TO BE IN MY MOMS BELLY.

why did it turn out like this. what am i so problematic snd why am i not doing anything about it. why did i destroy and fux up every single relationship i ever had. why cant i love my adoptive family like anyone else. but why al i not strong enough to cut them off. is it bc i actually love them? or is it bc im scared of being alone? will i love them again when i’ve healed, when i’ve revovered from whatever it is im revorigin form. abandonment? loss? lost family, lost identity, lost culture, lost people

it doesnt matter how many POC i connect with or how many adoptees i connect with. i’ll always feel lonely. i’ll always be lonely. and im so pathetic i cant stand it. i’d rather kill myself than knowing i’ll always be lonely. ive fkd up every friendship and relationship i have and im too scared of building new ones bc im so over attatched and want to rely on them forever. and now i dont even feel anything but anger and hatred. im such a fucking mess. im a danger to myself and everyone around me. im abusing the ones i claim to love, i dream about taking a gun and just shoot everyone down. i dream about committing suicide but not bc i actually want to, but because i want to revenge. on who? i want my family to suffer. i want society to suffer and know my pain. but they wont. they never will

im all alone, im so lonely im so lonely i keep isolering myself. i keep dreaming about fkn kpop idols and anime characters. i will never get better if i dont do smth but im so tired and im so angry. but it only hurts me. im only hurting myself even more. no one cares. no one will ever care, its only hurting ME

i thought i had gotten better. i used to feel like this everyday. now its only once a month. but idk. i cant think straight, i cant control myself. i know i shouldnt post stuff lile this DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH IVE FKD UP CUS I CANT CONTROL MYSELF WHEN IM IN THIS KIND OF STATE ONE TIME I ACTUALLY THOOUGHT I WAS GONNA KILL SOMEONE AND THEN JUMP IN FRONT OF A BUS

im sitting in my room. my little sister is outside and when im done with this message i’ll go out to her and pretend nothing happened. i cry for myself. i cry for other adoptees too. i cry for my adopted little sister and how white she is. i cry for all adoptees who’ve grown up to become whites. i cry because im such a fkn mess. i cry bc my abusive tendencies started so early. i abused my little sister bc of my own fkn issues and our adoptive parents didnt even care, they didnt even realize.

i feel like this is who i was supposed to be. a disgusting manipulative abuser but i know thats just another excuse for me to not do smth about myself

why dont i care about my family? about my partner or my little sister? i’d say i love my partner the most but i care more about my little sister

sometimes when i see children of color, or asian children i just feel something so fucking strong. i feel like i want to die for them on the spot. i feel like straight out giving them my jeart and protect them forever.

i got pregnant when i was 17 and it changed my life. ive never been interested in children but after that i was. but its so unhelathy. im only interested bc i want someone like me. i even doubted the abortion. fuck i felt like absolute SHIT after the abortion. i felt like they took smth from me, they took my mom, they took my baby. everhthing was taken from me and i got nothing. if im not able to have biolocial children in the future i’ll kill myself. if my children is looking white or nothing like me i’ll kill myself. im happy i had an abortion tho. i wasnt mentally stable. poor child would have only been born bc i was feeling lonely

i’d be such a horrible mom too. i’d be so overprotective. im always like that. overprotective in a possessive kind of way. like YOURE MINE. my child would hate me and i wouldnt blame them. i just feel like i have to protect something. i NEED something to protect. no one ever needs me. im always clinging into others but no one ever needs me as much as i need them. a child would need me. but they would eventuellt grow up so im thinking about a dog or a car instead. they would need me.

you know what i want? uncondotional love. from people of color. yes i have that from my white adoptive parents but i dont feel it. instead i feel like im using them. im shitting so fucking much on them and i dont know if i do it even more cus i feel guilty for shitting on them. most times they just take it and its like that makes me even angrier but if they were to argue with me i’d fkn explode right there and now. ive always been such a problematic kid. i can feel it. my sister’s been so calm and perfect but ive always been unstable. its like i always test people. ive tested my adoptive parents for 17-18 years now.

but everhtime i actually have someone love me uncondotilnally i feel like i have to isolate myself. its such a weird fkn thing i have such a weird fkn conception abt relationships and such. its just the way i thought it was like. in a friendship, relationship or family theres ONE dominant and ONE submissive. i realized relationships doesnt work lile this AT AGE 17 WHEN I LOST ALL MY FRIENDS. can you believe i’ve lived like this for 17 years???? i still categorize ppl into this and its so fucked up. how could i think like this?? how can I STILL think like this?? the submissive have to love the dominant one but the dominant will always protect the submissive one. i always, ALWAYYS go for dominant ones. and its always, ALWAYS going shit. either bc i expect too much from them. i expect them to love me back snd PROTECT ME or im just too clingy and get rejected. bc when im the dominant one i get bored. its like i WANT to fight for peoples attention. i see them as superior and i feel good when they give me that. but not too much cus if they give me too much I’LL feel superior and then i feel bored. thats basically my relationship with my partner now. ive been an awful fkn asshat and they’re still staying with me. it disturbed me once so much i forced them to break up with me only to guilt trip them when they did.

im so fucked up i really am. my partner deserves so much better. im so fucked up that i want to break up with them but if i would, if they would, i’d go fucking banans. thats not a healthy relationship. i shouldnt be in relationship

i should be alone til ive fgired myself out. but lonliness and isolation drives me mad. i dont trust myself

this post wasnt supposed to be lile this. i was going to write smth intellectual but instead im exposing myself like this. why do i do that? i dont know. do i wan people to feel sorry for me?? is that what i want? do i want advice? advice that i know i wont follow anyways cus im a dumbass?? is it because i just cant hold it in? why dont i post it somewhere else private? especially when i KNOWW THAT ILL GET SO FKN ANXIOUS ABT POSTING THIS THAT ILL NEVER FACE ANYONE AHAIN SND ILL REBLOG SO MANY TAEHYUNG GIFS AND JUST LAUGH IT OFF BUT LILE..... IM STILL GONNA POST IT???

sometimes i tell myself i wouldnt care if i died but im actually so afraid of dying

i want to be happy i want to be good but i dont know if i can or if i deserve it. when im not feeling like shit i dont want to talka but this bc then i’ll feel like sjit snd im scared of myself. i feel like im turning into a demon, something i cant control and im scared i’ll do stupid shit

how do i get rid of this? how dont become happy. the fact that my family is white, my partner is white. is that a problem or is it only me? do i have to break up, do i have to cut off my family in order to become satisfied? in order to decolonize? i know adoptees who have. mostly cus they got real weird fkn prents but my parents are....... so-so. they’re white. they’re good parents except they’ee white. but other adoptees parents weren’t even good parents to start with and their whiteness and racism made it 722771x worse

i hate feeling so split always having to choose. choose between AP and bio family. whites and poc. i’ll choose poc. i’ll choose my birth family. but i dont have a birth family like...... and now im stuck with this white one. ive been abandoned multiple times im not strong enougg to get rid of my AP’s even if i want to. but i dont think that i want to. i think i love them. im just so fkn heartvroken abt the fact that they’re white and therefore constantly hurting me and my sister wether they want it or not. im stuck. its like a fkn curse.

i was a fine kid before. i always had these issue but the abortion def triggered it. the abortion and break up with my friends that was like the 3rd break up and i just knew that damn i dont have the energy to keep going. dont even get me started on the breakup. i was a sjit friend. yeah im still a bit salty cus i think hey could have handled it better but tbh........ they probably sensed the fucking freak inside of me me before it jumped. i keep telling myself they only protected themselves but im paranoid and hate everyone and when i feel abandoned and rejected i deal with it with being an abusive asshat

i wonder why im like this. im obv not the only one since i keep reading abt adoptees who murder and stuff. i kinda think thats me sometimes. that im gonna turn out like that and just go on a murder spree. when i see x-men or the black panther...... i always feel for erik and eric (sre they both named eric lmao). mage to and killingen. and all charcters like that. i cried so much when i watched these movies cus im so sensitive when it comes to families AND people. (xmen jewish ppl) (black panther black ppl). and i kind of undersyood them

especially xmen apacolypse. he really tried to turn good. he really got himself a family but even they got killed. everyone got kille. i kinda admire him but i also think he’s weak. how come he’s able to just turn good after that?????  i’d probably kill the whole fucking world. like what kind of propaganda IS THAT??? is that even real??

and i feel so awful cus i had a good childhood i guess??? i mean fkn killmonger grew up all alone and poor and he found his fkn dad murdered??? i understand that trauma!!! and magneto had his mom shot in front of him and watched his whole people fkn die. and what about me? i havent been through any of that

ofc i dont know. i dont know what happened before and i dont remember. my APs got divroced tho and my A mom got PTSD and i def think that affected me as well tho. i kind of lost my family AGAIN. and ive never really tristes them after that. even there u could feel me snd my fucked up ness

i was such a shithead to my mom who had freaking PTSD. i blamed her for everything. breaking up with dad, bad ekonomy and then our fkn white big brother moved home bc he was depressed too or smth and there we were. 3 kids sharing a room while mom was unemployed and slept in the living room. that was such a messy time and my 11 y/o self was so angry and aggressive. and my poor sister was so scared and shy. of me. of all of us

anyways why didnt my sister turn out like this? is it bc of my temepramwnt?? maybe. ive read abt mental illness but i dont really feel like anyone fits. im leaning more towards bpd. bipolar and ptsd are similar but i dont rly get those periods and i dont get flashbacks of my trauma either cus im not even sure what my trauma is. its more like..... a feeling rather than smth specific. i mean its not like i remember anything

but why did i tjen out like this. irs cus everyone hates me right? lmao u always think lile that ots so pathetic. i always think ppl do shit to huet m. my poor partner and ex-friends..... the simpliest mistake would make me crazy.

im such a horrible human and sometimes i dont want to do anything abt this. i just dont wanna CARE but i know i feel line that cus i feel guilty deep inside. and it wont make me happy either

if i recover will i stop hating white people? will i stop hate my family and non-adoptees? probably not white ppl and non-adoptees. i mean i still hate men and so so why would i stop just cus i recover. but my family? will i forgve myself? will i fogive them? i cant forive them ew no. ugh idek what im saying. what do i have to do to stop feeling like this?

maybe get out of bed? yeah thats a start

thanks ill reblog bts now and then ill turn off my phone and never come back. cant wait to comeback and cringe the fuck out of myself wow i love

[peachysuho]

I don't care abt this guy but he's so fuckinf annoying bc like ok, he has depression but it sounds like a boy crying wolf bc it's like he makes an image out of it. Like he says the same shit over and over again and it honestly just looks like a damn brand when he posts shit. Like if you were really that sad you wouldn't be flaunting this all over social media and this is why people have stopped trying to console you. I feel like I sound super mean but you just have to know him lol

Plus he's told me he has a thing for depression and I dropped his ass like it was hot cause bitch who the FUCK says that he's the type to romanticize mental illnesses like this isn't a fuckin anime where the main character has a tragic back story and that's what makes them beautiful blah blah (cuz he's into anime too) and I just??? Depression ain't an accessory___________________________________________________hmmm you're right i mean i don't know him but there could be a reason he turns to social media for these things? because he might feel like he's got nowhere else to go? but yeah you're right people who romanticize mental illness and depression are so ........ :/ like there's literally nothing romantic or quirky about it at all and people who make it seem like its some beautiful, desirable thing are weird as hell lmfao