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tell-me-when-ur-ready · 5 years

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This Thing Called Love (part four)

Summary: When Shawn meets dancer Kellie in Toronto, he falls for her—hard. But Kellie has an invisible disability and thinks it’s impossible that someone could really love her the way she is.

Author’s note: I have multiple chronic illnesses that are similar to Kellie’s, but I don’t have the same exact health conditions she does. I’ve done lots of research, but I apologize if I get anything wrong!

Warnings: everything comes out and shawn reacts with a disgusting amount of kindness and understanding lol

Word count: 1,800

Kellie had listened to the song. She’d reviewed the general notes sent by the choreographer, who’d said they would hash out the details of the dance during a day or two of rehearsals before they got on set. She had taken off work. She’d booked a plane ticket (and been reimbursed by Shawn’s team—that was nice) and flown to Toronto and successfully seen herself to her hotel. Everything had gone smoothly. So smoothly, in fact, that she should have known it was all about to come crashing down.

Before Kellie even opened her eyes on the first day of rehearsals for Shawn’s new music video, she knew it was bad. Her joints were a little achy; her stomach was cramping, not badly but enough to bother her (she wasn’t totally sure her takeout last night had been completely free of contamination); and there was a dull, throbbing ache in her temples that did hurt. Badly. Without opening her eyes all the way, she reached out through the darkness and fumbled around on her nightstand until her fingers closed around the current medication she was taking for migraines; it had been getting less and less effective over the last couple of weeks. Sitting up slightly, Kellie put the pill at the back of her throat and swallowed it dry, a useful skill she’d finally acquired after three years of medication after medication.

Squinting, Kellie slowly sat up and tried to assess the damage. She stood up slowly; pressing a hand to either side of her head, she walked unsteadily across the room and promptly stumbled into the dresser.

Really, she’d known before she even opened her eyes. But now she knew for sure. There was no way she could get in the dance studio with Shawn.

She allowed herself one moment of self-pity: one moment to close her eyes, silently curse how unfair life was, and feel an overwhelming sense of despair for everything she’d lost after becoming sick and everything she was still to lose. But then she opened her eyes, carefully walked back through the dark room, and picked up her phone, grabbing her little bottle of lavender essential oil on the way back.

Her phone screen was too bright even with the darkness all the way down, but, squinting, she managed to type out a message to Shawn—his was the only number she had saved in her phone, and she definitely didn’t feel like digging through her inbox to find someone else’s number, even if they were the ones she needed to tell and not him.

I’m so sorry. I woke up sick. I don’t think I can dance today

His answer was almost immediate.

That’s awful, are you ok?

Was she okay? Kellie chose not to answer that part, instead writing,

Think I ate something bad last night.

It wasn’t a lie, she reasoned with herself. It had been bad for her body even if it wouldn’t affect anyone else’s.

Oh man. What hotel are you staying at?

She typed the name and sent it—and then instantly regretted it, cursing her brain-fogged state. The last thing she wanted was for him to go out of his way and do something dumb like—

I’m gonna swing by. What’s your room number? Need anything to eat?

Kellie let out an involuntary groan and didn’t answer for a moment, staring at the screen while the pounding in her head continued. She didn’t want him to come. She couldn’t lie to his face—but if he came, she was going to have to tell him. And she didn’t want to tell him; she desperately didn’t want him to know.

But another level, she almost did. If he was going to react badly and run, like so many people (friends, boys, and potential employers alike) had over the years, she wanted to know sooner rather than later.

So Kellie simply typed No, thanks, added her room number, and closed her phone. She didn’t realize she’d fallen asleep, but she must have, because it seemed like only a second later that there was a light knock on her hotel room door.

Kellie got up slowly and padded to the door. When the light from the hallway flooded in, she had to cover her eyes for a minute; finally, she adjusted and lowered her hand. Shawn was standing in front of her.

“Hey. Are you okay?” he said, gazing at her with a concerned line between his eyebrows.

“Yeah…” She blinked slowly at him, still half-asleep. If she wasn’t in so much pain, she’d be embarrassed about her messy hair and Stark Industries T-shirt and flannel pajama bottoms.

“You think you ate something bad?” Shawn asked, and Kellie let out a little sigh, because here it was.

“Yeah. I had a salad and I think it had croutons in it and I didn’t notice, or maybe it was the wrong kind of dressing, or it was cross-contaminated in the kitchen…” Kellie trailed off. She constantly analyzed her symptoms of the moment in her head, but she typically tried not to do it aloud, because no one else really cared.

Shawn cocked his head. “Croutons?”

He looked like he wasn’t quite following. She couldn’t blame him.

Kellie took a deep breath.

“I’m physically disabled,” she said. Even after the diagnoses, after accepting it, after living with it every day for three years, it was still hard to say the words—because it hadn’t always been like this.

Shawn’s eyes stayed trained on hers. She was grateful for that; most people would look her up and down, as if searching for physical signs. But there weren’t any. Her disability was invisible.

“Okay,” he said slowly. “Can I ask… how?”

If he didn’t run now, he’d run later, when he fully understood everything her health issues implied.

“I have Celiac disease, and chronic migraines, and a bunch of complications from both of those things,” Kellie said. Even now, after the medicines and the lavender oil and the dark room, the pain was pushing at the back of her head, making it difficult to think clearly. “I don’t know if you know anything about either of those—most people don’t—but, well, this is my life.” She laughed shortly. “I cancel on people at the last minute, I can’t go to work many days, I spend a lot of time in bed. I push through this stuff every day of my life. But some days, I just can’t.”

“Wow. That’s—that’s rough,” he said softly, leaning one shoulder against the doorway.

“I feel so bad. I know I’m letting you down and letting everyone down and I just, I’m so sorry, but my head hurts so much right now I can hardly speak and—”

Shawn was shaking his head. “No, no. It’s okay. I get it. I mean, I don’t get it, but you gotta do what you gotta do. I just—I mean, wow. I’m sorry; shit, that’s a lot. Why didn’t you tell me? When we went to lunch?”

Kellie shrugged, glancing down at the floor. At her mismatched Harry Potter socks and his pointy-toed shoes. “I just—it’s so hard to talk about. I mean, I want to talk about it; I want people to understand. But they never do no matter how much I talk. So I just… don’t try.”

He nodded, his gaze softening.

“But I’m sorry,” she said again, steadying herself on the doorframe as a wave of dizziness hit. She struggled to keep talking: “I really should have told you, when you asked me about the music video. That wasn’t fair. I guess I just—I thought you’d decide you didn’t want me then, and I really need this, and—”

“No,” Shawn breathed. He was looking her straight in the eye. “I do want you.”

And despite the fact that Kellie had just woken up and she was practically high on painkillers and this was only, what, the third time she’d ever spoken to Shawn Mendes in person—she thought he meant it. Maybe even, she realized with a sudden flash of intuition at the look in his eyes, on a deeper level than just the music video.

“So,” he said, clearing his throat, and the moment was broken. “Do you need anything? I could go get you food, or… I don’t know, what do you need?”

A warm feeling spread through Kellie’s chest. “Thanks. That’s really nice. Um, I have my medicine, and Gatorade, and—I’m not really hungry. My migraine is only half the problem today; my stomach really hurts too, because apparently I accidentally ate gluten last night, so I don’t know if I can eat.”

“Okay,” he said softly. “Well, text me later. If you think of anything you need.”

Kellie nodded. “Lately, my migraines have only been lasting for a day or two at a time,” she said, tentative (because who was she to rearrange a shoot for Shawn Mendes because she had a headache?). “So maybe tomorrow, if it’s not too late—I know I’m throwing off the whole schedule, but if you haven’t already filmed everything you would need me for—”

Shawn gave her a little crooked grin. “How could we film it if you’re not there?” he said, and Kellie felt herself flush with pleasure.

“I figured—I was replaceable,” she mumbled. Shawn shook his head, still smiling.

“I saw you dance. We’ll wait for you,” he said. Kellie smiled back at him for just a second before glancing down at the floor, a flash of warmth going through her.

There was a brief downbeat of silence and then he straightened up, pushing himself off of the doorframe.

“I should go. Let you rest. But text me, and then maybe tomorrow we can move forward with the rehearsals and the shoot, okay?”

She nodded, mute. But as he raised his hand goodbye and started to walk down the hall, she found her voice.

“Shawn? Thanks,” she called, and he looked at her over his shoulder. “For understanding.”

He smiled and then he was gone, disappearing into the elevator. Kellie went back into her room and shut the door.

***

It was a long, dark day for Kellie; when she got back into bed after Shawn left, she didn’t get up again until almost 4 pm. Occasionally she’d pick up her phone, turn the brightness all the way down, and scroll through social media, and a few times she put the recording Shawn had sent her on repeat and listened to the song they’d (hopefully) be dancing to. But mostly she just laid in the dark—sometimes sleeping, sometimes not, always analyzing the voice and facial expression and tone with which Shawn had said “I do want you.”

Later that evening, around dinnertime, Shawn texted her.

Hey. How are you?

I’m better. Took a bunch of pills and the migraine is slowly going away. I can deal with all the stomach stuff

You sure? I don’t want you to dance unless you’re really good

Well I won’t know until the morning but I’m going to try my best

Okay. Do you need anything?

No, but thanks :)

Ok. Talk to you in the morning.

And Kellie went back to sleep.

Taglist: @rosiemercy @learning-howto-be-myselfx3 @evibesss

#shawn mendes #shawn mendes imagines #shawn mendes fanfiction #shawn peter raul mendes #shawn mendes blurb #sm #shawn #chronically ill #chronic illness

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willowlark369 · 6 years

Conversation

Competition Drama 02

Judge: ADD and ADHD are also not a mental illness, they are a Learning Difficulties. There is a difference. I understand that to those that don't work in that area, or deal with those with Learning Difficulties, it seems like the same thing, however, it isn't. People with Learning Difficulties have fought to be seen for who they are, and not to be treated like something to be fixed. Children with Autism, ADHD, Downs Syndrome, they were all born that way, it's who they are. When sites or people claim some of these are mental illnesses it's due to being part of the medical model of disbaility, which is out dated and doesn't consider the individuals. I'm going to stop myself from preaching, I have worked in this area all my working life, so it's something I feel very strongly about. If you want to understand the difference you can look at the MENCAP website.

Me: People are also born with bipolar disorder, OCD, and schizophrenia. When you preach that some neurodivergences aren't mental illnesses, you ignore the difficulties that they present for individuals with them. There's a significant difference between autism and Downs Syndrome. One is a mental illness and the other is a chromosomal disorder that affects the whole body. The fact that you lump them in together and claim to be a professional is very worrisome to me. I wouldn't want someone who would do that to work with either my kid or me.

------------------ Taken into PMs ---------------------

Judge: I didn't want to continue this on the forum. I don't want you to think that I am having a go, because I am not. What is being talked about it actually quite contravercial in the area caring for those with learning disabilities and Autism. You seem fairly bothered by what I am saying, so I won't continue and try to 'make you see things my way'. I will say that what I have been taught is based on what people with those sorts of disorders and conditions believe about themselves and wish other to see them as. It is also not medically correct to say that it is a mental illness and this group of people dislike that assumption.

I can tell that you care, and I hope you can tell that I care too. I think that is enough for us to get along?

Me: I'm sorry, but if you want to believe that a mental illness is not a mental illness when medical professionals and individuals with the condition understand that it is, I cannot believe that you are not "having a go" or that you care. This is not a topic where "agreeing to disagree" will work. You (and by extension, the Competition) are telling me and other autistics that we do not have a real mental illness and are just incapable of growing past a certain point. You are infantizing us. The fact that you feel that you cannot say this in public also says that you know that there's something wrong with it. I've had this discussing with the Admin as well: There should be no hidden discussions. If you want to make a ruling that is contrary to reality, fine, but own what you are doing and be consistent. If you cannot accept one mental illness as what it is, then you shouldn't accept any of them. If your reasoning is that a person is born with autism and that's why it doesn't count, then none of the conditions that people are born with (ADHD, OCD, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia) should count. But don't make a claim that is not true and frankly, insulting, and then get upset when people call you on it.

Judge: I am really sorry that I have upset you. I can assure you, I mean no disrespect at all, and I speak from my experiance as person that works in the united kingdom with a whole range of children with various difficulties. I have worked with those with Autism too, though I do not consider it to be a learning difficulty, though I can see where it looks as though I have 'lumped' them together. I just happen to be a care worker that works with children with a range of conditions.

I am wondering if actually this is more to do with the countries that we live in? I don't know where your from, but in Britain, it's seen as politically incorrect. Based on neurological conditions and psychiatric conditions. Mental illness is seen as psychiartirc condition whereas as far as I have been taught in my own professional capacity, that Autism is Neurologial. In britain it is most definately something I would actually get in trouble for stating in the work place - as children with autism do not have psychiatric condition. If you are still unhappy with my explanation of myself and my words I can only apologise and research this myself further, I would not want to offend or hurt anyone - it's really not in my nature. I can honestly say that I am very upset that I seem to have caused offense or hurt through what I have said. Having heard your point of view, I take it seriously, and I mean no offense - seriously. I can tell that I have upset you, and for that I am sincerly sorry.

As for you thinking I am 'having a go' I assure you that I am not. I have spoken to you politely and respectfully, even if views differ. I can understand now that this is a senstive topic for you too, and I hope that you understanding where I am coming from with the term 'mental illness' and what it means where I am from, you can see that I don't mean to disrespect or belittle anyone. I only took the conversation of Forum as I thought it was senstive and I wanted to be respectful. That is my intention

Me: It might be a terminology issue. In the US, a mental illness is any condition which originates in the brain; affects the perceptions; and interferes with the ability to perform everyday activities (especially necessary social, work, or family activities). One would not assign a neurologist to the treatment team of an autistic, even though a neurologist may be brought in to rule out other potential causes of the symptoms. A psychiatrist would be, however, given that autism is often comorbid with other conditions which require medication and the autism often creates unique challenges in the individual being treated. A psychiatrist would also be the person giving the diagnosis of autism, which makes it a psychiatric condition, even if there aren't any other conditions diagnosed at the time of the initial diagnosis. A neurological condition would something like epilepsy or migraines. Basically, something which affects the way that nerves (including the ones in the brain) communicate with each other.

I apologize if I came across as too aggressive, but literally everything in my life has taught me that I cannot let things like this slide without speaking up. In order to get any kind of accommodation, one must be prepared to push against people dismissing the need for them, often by using the same language that you did. Years of advocacy work has also shown that a lot of people have misconceptions about what the real dangers surrounding individuals with various neurodivergences are. There is a negative connotation given to the term "mental illness", due to decades of villainization of psychiatric conditions. For that reason, a lot of people have pushed for use of the term "neurodivergence", "neurologically divergent", or "atypical neurology".

I really feel if you (and the competition as a whole) wanted to show sensitivity on the topic, then you would not have included it in the first place. There is a lot of discourse going on concerning how to respectfully handle representation in writing and there are entire blogs dedicated to how to handle that. I would love to see more encouragement to include accurate representation in writing, but what I do not wish to see is exclusion of smaller groups within a larger group on the basis that they aren't "really" a part of the larger group. That kind of gatekeeping is not helpful to anyone in need of that representation.

Judge: You should never apologise for taking these things and speaking up! I think it's great, and I have learnt something here, something I am greatful to have learnt. I would say you were defensive - in a good way! I would hate to make anyone feel like that they needed to defend themselves, or a group. Part of my job is pushing for things on the behalf of children, so I understand. I work specifially with children in the care system who don't have parents to fight for them. If you hadn't pushed, I wouldn't have learnt something that will change how I relate to people.

I can concour that the term 'mental illness' has negative conotations for people in the UK - in fact a lot of medical terms are deemed inappropriate. I think this is because culturally, people in this country have used many medical terms as insults and thus the meaning becomes intirely different. This isn't just in relation to Autism, many areas. I guess this could answer to why I was a little defensive also.

I do think that The Competition wanted to show sensitivity. I was not on board as Admin when the rounds were thought up, but as far as I am aware one of the Mods has experiance of this, and I can only assume that they would have wanted this to be used in a senstive and positive way. As I gather it's a subject of great importance to them too, from another angle.

If you have any ideas that you think would be beneficial for future rounds, something you think would be both positive and respectful, by all means mail them across. I am sorry if you feel that the competition didn't wish to be respectful. I cannot speak for everyone, but as for me, I respect you a lot, it takes courage to speak out in a public forum like that.

----------------------- Later ------------------------

Judges: [proceeds to extract revenge against the team as a whole for protesting]

Me: Yeah. "Courage" is needed alright.

Team: [proceeds to write submissions centered around their complaints with the judges] Suck on these lemons!

#Magi's Rants #Competition Work #Names Omitted Deliberately #Autism #Neurodiversity #No Editing of their words #Yeah That's Right #That's a Judge for a Writing Competition #TW: Ableism

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fadingpersoncollectorstuff-blog · 6 years

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My wife and I are starting a small salsa company selling it at the farmers' market and hopefully some local grocers. We would have no employees and sales will be well below $50K for our first few years. How much would some general liability insurance cost for a this start-up? We are in Lancaster County PA if the area matters. Rough estimates would gladly be accepted!

Can I add my son's girlfriends car to my auto insurance policy?

My son's girlfriend is 18 and she is purchasing a new car. She is financing part of it. The insurance for her is very expensive so I though maybe I could add her to my policy. I figure if the car was in my name it wouldn't be a problem, but since it is going to be in her name and since she's not actually related to me I may not be able to do it.""

What's the best affordable health insurance for a freelancer?

I was laid off in March and still need to figure out a health plan. Not being covered is scary! How can I get some coverage that's affordable ASAP? Thanks.

I can't get car insurance because of where I live what can I do?

I am 17 (boy) and passed my test on 15.08.2013 and I cannot get a quote under 4000 because of where I live. Don't try saying its my age or the car I want (Mini One 1.6l) because they seriously don't change a lot. I've tried every car possible with a 1.4l and lower engine and the prices don't go below 4000. If I change the address to my friends house who lives like 2miles away the price goes down to 2700 and if I change the address to my Nans address who only lives 15minutes away it goes down to 1500. I am seriously thinking of putting my Nans address down for insurance because there is no other way I can see myself driving and I know it's insurance fraud but how else am i suppose to get f***ing insurance. Someone please help and don't just tell me stuff I already know.

Affordable insurance plans??

Hello! I am a 21 year old mother of 2 ( a 13 mo. old and a 26. mo. old) My husband and I do not qualify for medicaid (apparently you have to be dang near homeless) and we need health insurance. He has a heart condition (hes 25! ) and I tend to get sick alot! lol anyone have any ideas for affordable health insurance?? ( under $100 /mo if possible) thanks for your time, Be Blessed!""

I am looking for an eye docter that takes any insurance in los angeles california?

for kids that will give contacts

Did you get Affordable Health Care?

My husband & I have insurance & it didn't change but my daughter & family got Affordable HC. Their previous insurance was $1,200 a month. They are now paying $325 so there's was a very positive experience. We're in California. They had a really hard time getting into the wed site but persevered & are happy with the plan. It covers their eldest son who is in college & has Type I diabetes & their youngest son who suffers from asthma. Does anyone else on YA have a positive experience to share? What State are you from.""

Does my boyfriends name have to be on the car title in order for me to be put on his insurance?

I will be buying a car this weekend. I am under 25, so the insurance is outrageous. my boyfriend is over 25. It is a lot cheaper if i just add myself to his insurance. My question is does his name also have to be on my car if i want to be put on his insurance? I was told yes but im not sure.""

Why do they ask your occupation when appliying for insurance?

Does it really matter? Or is it for marketing purposes?

How do I fight an insurance company over biased eyewitness testimony?

I was driving in a parking lot with wide lanes and perpendicular spaces when another driver backed out into my passenger side door. The other driver claimed that I was driving too fast and her insurance company is only willing to accept 75% liability for the accident, because of her statements and those of her friends. I don't have any witnesses of my own, but it seems rather unjust that they can base their decision on obviously biased witnesses. Neither the physical nor the circumstantial evidence supports their claims. I've written letters to the insurance company in response to their letter to me, but they haven't replied or made any effort to address my concerns. How do I fight them? This occurred in California.""

""Pregnant, on my parents insurance, can I get medicaid for my baby?""

I am a 23 year old student, working part time in retail and living with my mother. I am 25 weeks pregnant. My parents' insurance covers my prenatal appointments, but it will not cover my baby. Will I qualify for medicaid? (I live in California, so here it is actually called medi-cal).... I went to the office to apply, but the lady told me to come back when I was in my third trimester. I really want my baby to get insurance, but I am worried that I won't qualify. I would appreciate hearing your experience if you have been in a similar situation, or know how it works. Thanks!""

Car insurance wise..im 16 living in Houston. How much will car insurance cost for a 2006 mustang gt?

Does your driving test score affect your insurance rates?

Some people are telling me that the higher the score you get on your driving test, the lower your insurance will be. For example, if you score 80 points compared to someone how scores 100 (full points), the person with 100 points will have lower insurance costs. I just wanted to know if this is true or not, and if it is true how much does 1 point affect your insurance?""

Auto Insurance when buying New Vehicle?

What is procedure on obtaining Auto Insurance when you buy a new vehicle and have no present insurance account setup? Does dealer offer temporary insurance until you can get quotes from a few companies?

What are the cost of car insurance?

I'm a 17 yr old female, just recently got my g2, i live in ontario canada and was wondering what my insurance cost would be per year. i will be registering as a secondary driver, and there are currently 2 cars, and will be getting a third one, for me. i have talked to friends and found out that they pay about 200 bucks a year and depends on my parents driving records. Is it possible to pay just 200 dollars a year as a secondary driver?""

Has anyone ever had short term car insurance ?

how much is it ? i work alot in the summer so i only need a car for a month please help am new to this.

How will being unemployed affect my car insurance rates?

After being with Wawanesa for 12 years I let my car insurance lapse for 2 months and now have to reapply. I am now unemployed, how will that affect my rates? Do they look at it as driving less since no job to go to or driving more since excess free time now?""

Starting an insurance company in illinois?

So how would you do this and about how much would it cost? People were saying that it costs millions and millions of dollars. But if it costs that much then how would anybody ever be able to start one? Is it a good idea to start an insurance company or do you think that it probably would not be a success? Also, what is the difference between an insurance comany and an agency. do make a lot of money if you start an insurance agency?""

How old does the bike have to be for classical insurance?

ive been told that my bike (86) should be put under the classical insurance for motorbikes, how old is it? please and thank you. (p.s. this is in the UK)""

Temporary Car insurance for 17 year old?

Neighbors tree fell on my house and 3 of my cars whos insurance has 2 pay?

during a bad storm my neigbors tree fell over and landed on 3 of my cars and my house i was wonderin whos insurance has 2 pay? mine or the neighbors?

How can I save money on my car insurance?

I'm a young driver who's only just passed. Is it OK to put my Dad as the main driver when in reality I will be driving the car most of the time? I heard it's cheaper that way. Also I know Pass Plus can decrease it. Does putting it in a garage and having good security decrease it? What other things can I do to save - the cheapest quote so far I found is 1,600!""

Insurance deposit for an auto insurance?

I received a quote for an auto insurance and they require a deposit and then the first premium payment..Will the deposit be refundable? Why is there a deposit? Thank you!

How can I see a doctor without insurance?

Hi I'm 18 years old and I have no insurance and no job..I'm really sick my back feels like its on fire and my testicles has been shrinking I also feel like theres bumps on my right testicles..I've also lost 10 pounds in a month due to my sickness I really want to go to the doctors but I can't afford it....also I live in Colorado Springs..

Can someone help me with car insurance?

i am 16 years old. live in louisiana. birthday march 20th. completed drivers ed. probably going to drive a 2006 nissan sentra. and i was wondering how much my monthly insurance rate would be? if i would get it in my name? i am expecting it to be pretty expensive.

What car ins is the cheapest? in california...?

Car insurance ?

ok heres my problem. i am 18 and i just finished a drivers ed program i want to get my license but i cant because in order to take the road test to get my full license (not a learners) i need a car on which i am insured but i cannot buy a car because in order to even buy a car you need to have some one in the house which you live in who has car insurance and no one in my family drives so they dont have insurance as you can see im in a cycle that i cant get out of... what do i do?

What is the best web site for comparing car insurance rates?

""Searching for car insurance, suggestions?""

I'm currently searching for a decent car insurance company. What do the great people of Yahoo Answers recommend? Do you possibly have any examples of how this car insurance company has helped you in the past? I don't know if it matters, but I live in Southern Illinois (in case region matters.) If you could throw out car insurance companies that you recommend, I'd greatly appreciate it. Please do not throw out an insurance company based on their jingle, slogan, or catchy phrase. For example, Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there! What exactly makes this company so much better than the others is what I'd like to know. Please and thank you. I appreciate all help in the great quest for insurance.""

Insurance for a Porsche Panamera 2011?

Im planning on buying a porsche about 3-4 years from now. Im getting my license this month and wanted to know will it really cost 2-3k a month for insurance on a porsche? Are their any cheap insurances you suggest?

Shoul I continue paying my car insurance while waiting on a claim?

My car is total, but my insurance won't fixed it nor pay for it since i didn't have liability coverage.""

How do online insurance quotes know the cars I own?

How do online insurance quotes (via Progressive, State Farm, etc.) know what cars I own based only on my name, address, and birth date? What kind of database houses this information?""

Help with insurance claim on exotic sports car?

My car ---an exotic sports model--- was damaged in a parking lot collision tonight. (My car was parked and struck by a guy who wasn't looking ahead.) Even if a 100% repair can be effected, the value of the car will be forever diminished because of the car's blemished history. People who buy these cars simply will not pay top dollar if the history shows any sort of collision repair. Of course the other guy's insurance is not going to want to give me an extra few grand to cover my eventual loss. What can I do to be covered? Would I have to sue for something like that? (Or CAN I, or SHOULD I...) As it is, I think my car loses AT LEAST $5,000, maybe $10,000 at resale (even with a perfect repair).""

What is the best health insurance company?

How much would I pay for car insurance on a classic/sport car?

So I've been working on cars for a very long time (5 years), but I've only had my license however for only a year. Lately I've been driving a silly honda accord that I don't quite enjoy. I plan on buying a 280zx datsun, an alfa romeo spider, a triumph, or an mg midget. The price for the car isn't a problem because I fix and restore cars for Shelby cobra and can handle a lot of the issues older cars can give. The problem is insurance. About how much will I be paying monthly for one of the cars listed? ( I am aware I work on cars but have never done insurance) Thanks :)""

Is having the minimum state car insurance a good idea?

i am a 23 year old college student in california with one point on my record. i have a 99 civic which i bought for 6k paid in full. I DONT HAVE ANY OTHER ASSETS. i recently looked around for car insurance and realized, cant i just get the minimum state requirements for car insurance? if i hit someone, they cant sue me because i dont own anything besides my car, right? would they be able to go after my parents assets? i still live with them. they didnt help pay for my car.""

WILL MY CAR INSURANCE BE HIGH?!?

I am 16 male, and I have a 2006 Honda Civic Sedan 4 door black currently living in NYC Long Island and I want to know what is my Insurance rate. How much would I have to pay every month please tell me every month not year !! Thanks ALSO FOR POINTS PLEASE TELL ME HOW MUCH FOR A 2002-2006 Honda accord !!""

Do car insurance rates increase because of family visiting?

Hello there. I was wondering if anybody ever heard about car insurance rates increasing because of extra people in the house. My wife and I will be staying at my in-laws house for a few months and we have our own vehicles with insurance so therefore we will not be driving my in-laws car. HIs brother was told that his rate insurance will increase because of the extra people in the house. Does any of this sound right to you? Thanks. We ilve in florida.

Electrical job expense cost average?

For my hw, I am doing take off for a 1 story 28325 sq ft building. I have to account for the costs for the total job expense. The problem is I don't have experience in the industry. Can you give some average total cost for electrical distribution, branch, and lighting job. Per month - SITE OFFICE (per Month) SITE STORAGE (per Month) CONSUMABLES SMALL TOOLS COURIER TEMPORARY LIGHTING TEMPORARY POWER SAFETY SPECIALTY INSURANCE USL&H INSURANCE SCAFFOLD RENTAL SCISSOR LIFT RENTAL ELECT 25' BUCKET TRUCK RENTAL BOOM TRUCK RENTAL SITE VECHICLES FOREMAN/GF TRUCK PARKING (per vechicle) LABELING FIRESTOPPING SEISMIC ENG. CALC. FORKLIFT GAS 15' BOOM LIFT 40' BUCKET TRUCK FENCING HEATING EQUIPMENT RENT COPY PLAN & PRINTS OFFICE SUPPLIES DUMPSTER If I also account for permit cost of 1 %, would I be multipling to the total labor and material cost, subtotal all costs, or profit???""

How can I get my auto insurance lowered in michigan?

Hi, I was licensed to drive in Michigan but shortly moved to Virginia, where I received a car from my aunt (Mountaineer) I was insured under US AA with my aunt. In April of 2011, I hit a parked car in the school parking lot in which I wasn't ticketed or charged, but my aunt's insurance company was charged $2400 for the damage. I have since moved back to Michigan as of June 2011 and have not had coverage since. With school coming up and 2 current jobs, I'm looking for insurance that I can actually afford. I have been looking for plpd, and my dad mentioned looking for an underwriter because my lowest monthly payment quotes have been $250-$500 a month, is there any cheaper for of insurance available for me?""

Who has the cheapest insurance for a 2004 Chrysler sebring lxi touring?

Will my insurance cover the wreck & my car?

My boyfriend was driving my car and he's not under my insurance plan only me and my mom are and someone thought we were riding their *** so they slammed on the breaks and we slid right into their car and he rolled down his window and laughed and cussed us out then drove away. and my car is totaled. will i have to pay all repairs? or will the insurance cover it even though someone else was driving my car? (i know if the insurance pays i will have to still pay a deductible)

Car insurance termination?

I got a very weird letter from Allstate. It was written in bold black text, basically saying that my car insurance will be terminated at the end of my current 6 months period, attached was a copy of a claim I had 2 years ago for a fender bender ($90). When I talked to my agent, he tells me that Allstate cancels everyone who have had a claim within the last 3 years. Can that really be the truth, are insurance companies really legally allowed to drop you due to a claim over a 3 years period? AND will I have problems getting signed up at another company due to this? The state is NY""

2nd job: Car porter+car insurance?

I want to get into a second job and the idea of being a car porter has popped into my mind! I was wondering if the company provides the insurance though, or if i have to provide my own. I know that it varies on location and the company if they provide it or not, but i still want to ask the general community for help! thanks for the help!!! :)""

How Can I Get Cheap Auto Insurance?

im 18 i just got my lisence i have a 93 ford ranger that my dad can put in my name. my parents are seperated. my mom has excellent driving record and good policy. if i get on her policy. can i drive the truck if its in my name ? im not sure im just trying to get auto insurance. and i have no one to help :(

Temporary Car insurance for 17 year old?

How do I get health insurance?

Ok Im 20 and I don't think I have health insurance. I want insurance to cover basic health and dental too. How can I get health insurance that is cheap and affordable in California? Thank you

Need Medical Insurance?

My husband has a great job but the sorry part is it doesn't come with insurance which sucks. He makes too much money to qualify for Medicaid or Chips. I need an affordable health insurance for our family. Insurance is so expensive, please help me.""

How can i find active life insurance policies?

life insurance policies on the deciseds joe g. ward

Affordable dental insurance in Michigan?

I live in Saginaw Michigan and I am looking for affordable dental insurance. Any good leads?

My medicaid that i used for my pregnancy had expired...? here in texas?

back in august of 2011 & i no longer have insurance. what do i do now? i called my health plan & they said i gotta apply again but i don't know where i can get the application. i really need insurance cause i got upcoming appointments for me & if i don't have insurance, i'm not gonna be able to afford the expenses. anyone know where i can get the application for medicaid here in texas?""

Licence and Insurance?

im 17 years old and i have my probationary quebec licence. I am insured on the car and am able to drive it alone but with 4 points and 0 alcohol tolerance. Would i be able to drive in the USA with my licence? but i would have to get insured with an american company. any idea how much that would cost? thanks

Why are car insurance companies trying to make me go bankrupt?

Okay, this is extremely frustrating. I'm a 19 year old student, who works part time. I have all-state insurance full coverage, and I drive a 2001 toyota tacoma, which is paid off. And guess how much Allstate charges me every 6 months? $750!!!!!!!!!!!! That is absolutely ridiculous. These son of a bitches are totally ridiculous charging me that. I've never had a ticket, never been in an accident. And I don't care if i'm 19 that price is absolutely absurd for that car. I'm almost at the point where I just wanna go illegal and drive without insurance. I'm looking sleep every night over this I mean seriously do they think a 19 year old college student is made of money. And the funny thing is it's under my parents policy and its this much!!!""

What are my options regarding insurance?

My insurance coverage ended on Dec 9 and i forgot to pay for the renewal. According to the letter I received last week my insurance company will reinstate me if I paid by Dec 29th. So I paid today. However a guy hit a bunch of parked cars including my car in a parking lot and died on the spot. This happened last night. I will get the police report next week from our local police station. So now what should i do? Should i wait for the police report and file a claim against this guy's insurance company? Should I contact my insurance company and ask them to deal with it? Will they actually agree to handle this claim?

What's the most you or anyone you know has ever paid for car insurance?

I'm asking cuz I now pay close to 400/month... It's like 396. - I have 3 accidents on my record (from like 2 1/2 years ago, only one was my fault). however I found out that all of them were listed on my insurance as my fault. Found out the insurance companies automatically assign fault unless you produce proof otherwise. Now one of them I got hit from behind, so that's easy to prove with police report. However, the other one guy ran red light and I hit his side. I think the police report has it as 50/50 fault since it really can't be proven either way, it's his word against mine who ran the light. Do you think I'll be able to fight that one??? I'm gonna go down to the police headquarters and get the police reports over the next few days, just wondering... Also how much would that actually save me? - My dad had a speeding ticket (90 in a 65) and he was listed as a second driver on my car, so that also brought it up. I'm going to remove him from my insurance since he rarely drives my car anymore, and has replaced his own car. - I have the defensive driving discount already. - I'm 26 years old female in NY. I drive less than 5 miles a day to work. And I drive a silver 2006 Saturn Ion in which I'm still making payments on, so I still have comprehensive. Based on all that, do you think I can find cheaper elsewhere. Where should I loook??? I feel like whenever I try to switch companies they give me a great rate on the phone, than all of a sudden after like a month or 2 being with them, my rates suddenly increase cuz they just found the accidents . I realize I don't have the greatest driver history in the world, but 400 just seems outrageous. I know people who pay less than that a year. I was thinking of selling my car, and getting a cheaper one w/ no payments on it, which would rid me not only of my car payment, but I wouldn't have to carry comprehensive anymore either. Problem is whatever I made from the car would have to go towards paying off the loan, and I would have no money to buy the new car... I feel so stuck, but I'm paying like 750/month between insurance/car payments, and I have a crappy job and can't afford it. Suggestions??? oh btw I use a local broker and autoone insurance""

Insurance - Cheap Car?

hello, my sister has just passed her driving test & she's wanting a cheap little run around. a ford ka 1997. She's seen one for exactly 300, and they're allowing her to go view it tomorrow. the reg is - 13 jan 1997 it's a petrol engine size - 1,299 cc does anyone know how much insurance will cost on it? & how much tax/mot costs on it? thankyou..""

What is the best individual insurance for a pregnant woman?

I just found out i am 5 weeks pregnant and dont currently have insurance. My husbands works and his employer offers insurance for the family for $850.00/mo, which is completely ridiculous and not affordable for us right now. I stay at home with my daughter in Missouri, but we are having a hard time getting medicaid. Any advice. Thanks...""

Will 1 speeding ticket effect my insurance rates in Maryland?

Erie Insurance policy, 83 in a 65, 2 points, no other tickets. Will this effect my insurance cost in Maryland?""

65 Life Insurance vs. Term Life Insurance?

My wife and I currently have 65 life insurance which we pay about $130 per month for the two of us. After listening to her friend Suze Orman she wants to get rid of the 65 life and get term life insurance. 1st question is what do you think is better and 2nd is how easy is it to settle your current life insurance to cash out and if you stay with the same company can you roll your current $value into the new term life? Thanks

Which do you think is the cheapest car insurance company in chicago?

Car insurance question?

Originally I registered my car insurance with my previous address. Now I've moved to a new place, do I require to update the address? What happen if I don't update the address and continuously using my previous address as registered?""

Car Insurance Companies + Excluding Drivers?

My brother and I are trying to get insurance for our two cars but are having a problem with one of the cars. My uncle gave me my car but we never dealt with switching over the title of the car. Most of the major insurance companies require that the cars be under the name of one of us. We have found some smaller companies that do an exclusion to deal with the problem but the rates are higher. Does any body know of any major company that allows this to happen? Thanks for the help.

""Which companies offer insurance for individual items such as laptops, iPods, cell phones, etc?""

I'm looking for US insurance companies that offer this service - i.e. instead of buying home insurance to cover everything, to buy insurance just for individual items.""

How much would insurance be for a jeep Cherokee?

i am planning to get a jeep cherokee or wrangler and want to know how much car insurance would be. i am 16 and want to know how much money i should pay insurance to see if it is in my budget.

Getting my baby on insurance?

I'm 20, unmarried, and a full-time nursing student, so I still have insurance through my parents. I live with my boyfriend, my baby's dad, and he has insurance through the hospital where he works. His insurance isn't too expensive for him, but if he were to add the baby onto his policy, the price would nealy double, taking almost half his paycheck every month. I work as much as I can parttime, but with taking fulltime classes, along with clinicals, there's no way I can work fulltime right now. We would be considered low-income, and I know my baby would be eligible for medicaid. I'm only 26 weeks along, but I really want to have everything arranged by the time he gets here. Who would I contact for more details about getting on it? We've never used any kind of supplemental assistance like this, so I really don't even know where to go. It's probably too early right now, but when would I need to start filling out the paperwork?? Thanks for your help!!!""

How much is insurance for a 17 year old?

I live in MA and I'm just curious how much money I would have to pay for my insurance...if anyone knows how I go about finding that out it would be very helpful! Thanks

""Driving other cars, insurance policy for under 25?""

does anyone know of any insurance companies that offer DOC on their comprehensive insurance policy for an under 25? If not, how much roughly would a weeks insurance cost on another car?""

How much would the insurance cost with a 17 year old male driving a 1987 ford bronco 4X4 v8?

just wondering because i might buy one as a driving project truck

""Will my insurance rates go up if I got a ticket for driving in the HOV lane on I-95 in Broward County, FL?""

I was just pulled over for driving in the HOV lane on I-95 and got a ticket for $165 (kinda steep in my opinion, but the cop said he wasn't giving me a ticket for speeding). The cop said that I won't get points on my record and I verified that with the Florida Department of Motor Vehicle's web-site. I know I'm guilty so I'll just pay the ticket. Will my insurance rates go up if I do that? Should I plead no contest and go to traffic school? I'd still have to pay for my traffic ticket if I did that, but if going that route would stop my insurance rates from going up then it will financially worth it in the long run.""

2004 WRX STI insurance for a 16 year old in arizona?

16 year old, arizona, good grades, took the safety class and driving school thing, how much you think insurance would be for an sti?""

How much is car insurance for an inexperienced first year driver 18 years old in North Carolina?

Like can I get estimates from each company. I've never had a license and my family refuses to pay for my car insurance...so I have to pay it...

Temporary Car insurance for 17 year old?

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/anyone-endsleigh-car-insurance-has-done-pass-plus-self-maus"

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becksadventures-blog1 · 7 years

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I’m 29, and I have Dyslexia and ADHD

This, my friends, is the story of how I found out at the young age of 29 that I’m Dyslexic and have ADHD. The diagnosis essentially started in May 2017. I had been living in Edinburgh for a while at this point but it was my first summer in the city. It was totally buzzin’. The Meadows were filled with people, including me and my friends. We were sitting around, drinking a little, and laughing a lot. Later in the night I went back to my place to go to sleep, and as I was getting ready for bed it happened. The most horrific pain I’ll hopefully ever experience in this lifetime. It wasn’t a normal headache, it wasn’t a migraine, it was a thunderclap headache. It felt like I was hit with a metal baseball bat on the left side of my head. The pain was immediate and on a scale from 1-10, it was 1,000. I fell to the floor in the fetal position, sobbing uncontrollably, holding my head, not being able to see or hear and just screaming. I had no idea what to do. This pain was brand new to me. There was no getting comfortable or falling asleep that night and around 6am I went to the ER. They did all kinds of tests on me, urine test, blood test, CT scan for blood clots and two failed lumbar punctures. Everyone always told me that LP’s were the most painful experiences ever but those people never had a thunderclap headache. I left the hospital a day later knowing that due to the unsuccessful LP’s and me declining to go a third round, that I was not in the clear for a brain bleed, and at the time I was totally okay with that. Fast forward to January 2018. I had just returned to Edinburgh from the states and for some reason I was uncomfortably dizzy. Normally, I’m just dizzy and I handle it. But this dizziness was new to me. Sometimes, I was so dizzy that it would wake me up in the middle of the night. I was sleeping 16-18 hour days so I had assumed it wasn’t from exhaustion. I thought maybe it was because I had taken 10 flights in 3 weeks and it could be jet lag. But a week went by and I started to think that maybe the air pressure could have affected that small chance there was a bleed in my brain. Needless to say, I panicked. From years and years of experience, whenever I have mostly anything wrong with me, I go straight to my chiropractor. And 9 times out of 10, it’s something she can fix. The saint that she is, she reassured me it wasn’t a bleed in my brain and talked me off a ledge. However she did advise I go see an eye doctor immediately since they could take a picture of the back of my eye and see for sure. This is where, as Will Smith says, ‘my life got flipped, turned upside down.’ I went to the eye doctor and told her what had been going on. One of the first things she asks me is ‘are you dyslexic?’ I kinda laughed at her and said ‘Ha! No way I would’ve known if I was.’ But then it got me thinking. How many times do I read a word as something completely different. How many times do I read a sentence and not even comprehend it. How many times do I have conversations with people and my mind will completely wonder. How many times do I get so incredibly aggravated with myself for not understanding directions correctly. She takes the picture of the back of my eye and reassures me that there is no bleed in my brain after all, thank god, but she recommends I come back and do an Overlay Assessment, which I do. After narrowing down the colors of Rose and Orange, she tests me with a paragraph of random words on a black and white piece of paper and another paragraph with random words with the overlays on top. In comparison of the two, I made 11 reading mistakes on the black and white paper and made 0 mistakes with the overlays. I honestly couldn’t believe her, as I was convinced going into the testing that I didn’t need special attention. But sure enough...here we are. After the test she advises that I talk to someone at my school about getting tested for Dyslexia, as needing overlays is one of the many tools dyslexic people use. The following day I went to the administration team at my University to report that I need overlays for examinations and that I need an assessment for dyslexia.

Fast forward to today. February 2nd, 2018. Today, I have found out that I am Dyslexic and have ADHD. So basically, I get my words all mixed up when I try to read but that doesn’t matter because I can’t concentrate long enough anyway. My whole life I’ve been struggling in school and in the work place. Always thinking and being told I was stupid and lazy and unmotivated. And today I learn I’m none of those things. I just need special tools to learn differently.

In this blog, I’ll share stories of my past where I knew something was wrong and it should have been a sign. I’ll share how I overcame those obstacles with no knowledge of my disability. I’ll share new challenges that I face and ways to overcome them with the new tools provided to me. I’ll share all the words of wisdom with mentors and lecturers who I’ll talk to about this along the way, and all the encouraging words of support from friends and family. And most importantly, I’ll share my journey.

And hey, you never know, but you might just learn something along the way too.

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tracedandreplaced-blog · 7 years

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Termination of Employment or the Time Lithium Exploded my Brain -bipolar storytime 2

I'd been working in the buying office of one of the largest high end fashion retailers in the country for about six months when everything went to shit, but let's hold off on that for now. It was the best job I'd ever had. It paid very well and exposed me to an exciting industry I'd never been apart of. I felt like I was performing at a high level (which I was at first), and it seemed that I fit in well. My coworkers were ultra high functioning people and fun to be around. They were sharp dressers and I learned to dress well too. Disconnected undercut, check. Skinny tie with tie clip, check. Overly shortened tight slacks exposing brightly colored "statement socks" under monthly shined wing tips, that too. I took the commuter train downtown everyday and read snobbish mid century east coast intellectual literature through dark sunglasses even in the tunnels to complete the look. I boarded buses and strutted, really strutted, down the Seattle sidewalks at a million miles an hour. My confidence was going through the roof, which was important after coming out of my last job, which I didn't exactly fail at, but never really did as well as I hoped.

It took a few months to come out of the "learning period" and really be expected to take on responsibility and perform. I did that at about the right time and for awhile there, my team was impressed. They felt lucky they landed one of the good ones to support them. I handled product set up and clearance promotion execution. It was the lowest rung on the ladder in the buying office, but still a lot of pressure, for if I didn't do my job right, no one else could do theirs. The products had to be in the system, and they had to be right. It was a shit ton of data. I probably got 200 emails a day.

But after I'd been really pulling my weight for a couple months, the headaches started. They didn't seem normal. They weren't I drank too much headaches, they weren't pop a few ibuprofens and carry on with your day headaches, they were ice picks driving into my skull and then being lit on fire headaches. Anytime they'd hit, usually in the afternoon, I'd be sidelined for the rest of the day. I'd stay at work and pretend to be okay, but I was really just sitting at my computer clicking back and forth to random emails and spreadsheets, doing absolutely nothing. I saw a doctor and she said they were cluster headaches. Migraines that came in cycles and caused extreme pressure and stabbing pains. I tried heavy duty anti inflammatories, steroids, and even oxygen therapy, but nothing worked. Until Lithium.

For some reason, explained the doctor, Lithium was able to usually break the cycles of these particular types of headaches and patients could cease taking it after a month or so without the headaches returning. They didn't really know why, but there you go.

My headaches went away about a month after starting the Lithium. It was a miracle. I assumed I would get right back on the horse after this minor bump in the road and fix what ever few mistakes I'd made during said bumps. Then I'd keep kicking ass. What I didn't foresee however, was that the undiagnosed and completely unknown to me bipolar disorder would erupt like Mount St. Fucking Helens when I quit the Lithium. It was a nightmare.

The first things everyone learns when getting to know manic depression is of course the mania and the depression. These cause the scariest and most damaging consequences of the illness. But what most people massively underestimate is the impairment in cognitive functioning. Inability to focus, loss of short and long term memory, decreased pattern recognition, terrible organizational skills, inability to multi task, poor follow through, disruption of routines, and no sense of prioritization. Simply put, I started fucking everything up. My product set up information was consistently wrong, if even done at all. I would forget or mess up live dates on essential promotions that went out to all stores and online. A dozen or so unanswered emails consistently filled my inbox for months. They were action items for me and always caused major fallout. For some reason, I always felt like they'd just resolve themselves if ignored.

I would take extra long lunch breaks almost every day and maniacally speed walk all around the city, headphones in and hopping buses back and forth in the train tunnels or wandering through shop after shop in Pike's Place Market. I became obsessed with music I would never have listened to previously, but like the snooty academic literature, it enhanced and defined this new identity I had adopted. I used it to induce near trance like states while working or commuting to and from. I would catch other commuters staring when I came to and opened my eyes, slack faced with my gaping maw practically drooling through incessant head bobs.

I was losing the company money. A lot of money. When you're in a position that essentially starts the process of getting goods from suppliers and vendors to customers, you can miss out on hundreds if not thousands of dollars with one keystroke. If the product isn't live, it cant sell. This happened over and over. My bosses boss became aware. HR became aware. I was given a horrendous review and put on a performance plan. The beginning of the end was when I simply forgot to tell my boss that I'd be taking two weeks paternity leave for the birth of my second son, not one like previously discussed. I told him a couple days before I was supposed to come back by text. That doesn't fly.

When it was obvious I was going down in flames and probably weeks away from getting fired, my wife suggested I try and get some help. There was definitely something going on here. I was a smart person, she kept saying, but something was causing it all to breakdown. I needed to go to a psychologist.

After a few visits, he diagnosed me with bipolar disorder. That's a story for another time, but I can at least say that I now had hope for the situation. I thought it wasn't too late to save my job, all I had to do was get on some drugs and go see a shrink. But it was too late. Ironically, I wan't able to get my Lamictal prescription filled for the first time until the day I was officially terminated. Initially I thought they wouldn't be able to fire me at all. Like that would be some sort of discrimination. I mean, I was disabled now, right? But in fact they have no legal obligation to continue employment if I am unable to do the job effectively, illness or not. I discussed welfare, disability, and leave of absence with HR when the first rumblings of action were taking place. I had a family to support. But HR couldn't help me with any of that. I hadn't worked there long enough and my situation didn't fit the specific requirements. I left and got a part time job in retail that didn't cover half of daycare costs.

During my very first appointment with my Psychiatrist, which was weeks after the first Psychologist appointment due to a patient intake administrative error, the doctor confirmed that my brief relationship with Lithium probably did in fact trigger a downward spiral of manic depressive cycling. It was because of this that my cognitive functioning went to hell. It also didn't help that I'd been on anti depressants for the last 15 years, ever since high school. That most likely caused many of the manic episodes, which I was having much more than depressive ones. She and my Psychologist estimated the illness had manifested in my mid twenties based on the past behaviors I described, especially the drinking.

My confidence was shattered after the firing. I questioned if I'd even be able to handle part time retail, let alone get a "real job" ever again. The schedule that had me working evenings and weekends in a completely random fashion put an incredible strain on my wife, having to handle child care alone and never connecting with me outside of stressed and resentful late night conversations after the kids went to bed.

We found a solution a few months later, thank God. I became a stay at home dad, which I still am today. It's the greatest and hardest thing I've ever done. She makes just enough money to keep us comfortably afloat, and since there are no daycare costs, we're not losing money for me to go to work anymore. I'm improving everyday with medication and therapy, and I think I can say my cognitive functioning is back where it belongs, but I definitely have a whole new set of fears. What if this illness gets worse, a lot worse, and I can't effectively care for them day in and day out? What if we have to send them back to daycare and I can't find a job? What if I get a job and fail miserably because of it? What if I can't do anything at all and have to go on disability? Or can't get disability? There probably is a good chance, a great chance, that none of these things will happen, but that doesn't mean I don't sit up at night playing the situations over and over in my head.

Maybe in reality getting fired was the best thing that could've happened to me. After all, it led to my diagnosis and has put me on the path to better mental health. Most days are pretty damn great and I now have the tools to work through the days that aren't. I definitely miss being a part of something so exciting, staying at home with the kids can of course get a little repetitive, but I know it wasn't the right fit for me. I remember my psychologist saying once that simply put, I can't do that type of job. A high stress, high performing office job where hundreds of emails with multiple tasks to juggle at once coming through daily will quite literally drive me insane. Even if it didn't, my brain is just not wired that way, and it is very likely I wouldn't succeed.

I have no idea what sort of work I'll do once the boys are in school, but I've got a few years to figure it out. I'm probably more suited to doing something with my hands, but have no training in any trades. Who knows, I might just stay home, cook and clean. My wife will probably be making even more then and we'll be just as comfortable money wise. Or I suppose I could just sit around and write stories no one will ever read about manic depression. It'll be like that Jimi Hendrix song, but with more trips to the doctor and less guitar solos. Thanks for reading.

#bipolar #mental health #long reads #nonfiction #prose #essay #writers

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