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20s-turtle-posting · 2 years

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The One Wherein Raphael is Actually Transfem

1.6k words | companion art >here< | second fic >here<

This is it. This is the moment.

It’s completely random, nonsensical, a moment that is perfectly mundane and yet she can’t keep it in her chest a moment longer, so it’s now or never. Forget the fear and anxiety that immediately set her heart pounding harder than any rooftop run, she has to tell them now or else she doesn’t know what else to do.

She stops in her tracks on the walk back from the pool, her brothers moving past her for several steps, still joking and laughing before they recognize that something’s up. Leo, predictably, is the first to notice and he turns quickly, blue-and-brown eyes alert.

“Raph?”

She balls up her fists for a moment, and it’s not that she hates that name, she still cherishes it because it’s been hers for so long…. But it isn’t her anymore.

“I uh-” Her throat closes up. Shit.

Mikey and Don are looking too, eyes wide and curious. Hell. What are they gonna think? About her? What will Leo think? What will Dad think?

Fuck it. She can’t keep it to herself any longer.

“So uhh, I have to tell ya’ guys somethin’....” Tugging nervously on her mask, looped loosely around her neck, she drops her gaze to the floor to avoid eye contact. Her heart is fuckin’ pounding out of her chest. “I’m not… really a… well, a guy.” She feels like she’s going to puke this sucks ass why can’t it be as easy as beating up a couple of Purple Dragon goons, this is her own family. Why is it making her so nervous?

“Actually I’m a girl and-” she stumbles and it’s out the words are out it’s done. Instant regret threatens to choke her, fear and hope churning like nausea so strong that she sinks back into the easy cover of an explosive outburst of “and-and that’s final! You can suck it up and get used to it!”

The instant she looks up, mid-shout, the anxiety starts to drain because Mikey, fucking bless him, has stars in his eyes already. As soon as her jaw snaps shut Mikey squeals and lunges.

“Holy shit!” he screeches at joyous, ear-splitting volume, throwing his arms around her neck, “free sister!”

A hand lands gently on her shell, and Leo is smiling delightedly when he says “congratulations on coming out! Welcome to the club.” Which is such a fucking Leo thing to say.

Don, for his part, stands there grinning softly and says, “Very cool, El.”

And that’s what really almost starts the waterworks because she should have known they wouldn’t turn her away and shun her. She knew it like she knew the sun rose in the east each morning, the way she knew she was a ninja, through and through, no matter what may come.

She’d brought up her new name briefly, almost in passing, almost three weeks ago when she’d thought Don was decently distracted by his latest project. Her heart had pounded then too, casually mentioning the name as if it were a stray thought occurring, nothing important, nothing of note. She had been wild with anxiety over Don’s reaction, but all he had said was “that’s nice” and kept soldering, so she thought that was as good as she’d get.

But he’d remembered, and that meant the whole fucking world to her.

“El!” Mikey breathes happily, squeezing the life out of her, “oh my GOD that’s so perfect!”

“Actually, it’s Ella, but don’t wear it out.” She shrugs Mikey off with somewhat of a herculean effort, he’s so damn clingy. “But uh, yeah, El for short.”

“No way we could wear it out,” Mikey says firmly, “We gotta break it in, El!”

Leo is still resting his hand on Ella’s shell, gentle and grounding. “So, just Ella or El?”

El shrugs. “Yeah. And uh, it’s not like I resent ‘Raphael’ but that’s jus’ not me anymore.” She looks around at them with a faint grin. “And I don’t care if you guys slip up, don’ worry.”

“We won’t,” is Leo’s instant response, and from the suddenly intense look in his eyes, El knows that Leo is already determined to have no slip-ups ever from this point on. That same perfectionism has pissed her off so many times before, but right now it just makes El feel like she’s been under the basking lamp all damn day; warm right down to her toes and soft as butter left out by the stove.

Don fidgets with his own hands for a moment, still smiling that gentle smile. “Female pronouns and terms only?”

Mikey interrupts with gasps. “Oh! I’ll stop calling you ‘dude’! If you want! But like, I totally mean it in a feminist way most of the time, if that’s cool. I mean if you’re not that’s fine and I’ll stop forever, lips zipped and all that!”

The focus is suddenly almost overwhelming, her brothers’ willingness to adapt is moreso. El scowls for lack of any other expression and shrugs again. “I mean it doesn’t bother me, I know what you mean. Just… maybe lay off it a bit. For now.”

“Nooo problemo!” Mikey beams

Again, Don fidgets with his own hands, then abruptly blurts out, “if you want, I can use mirror pronouns, if that helps?”

“Huh?”

Don doesn’t make eye contact, but he’s still outwardly calm, only picking slightly at a scab on one knuckle. “Mirror pronouns means that whatever pronouns you use can refer to me as well whenever you’re talking about me. Like if Leo asked you where I was, you would say, ‘oh Donnie? She’s in the garage.’ Like that.”

El almost chokes, about two seconds away from letting a few tears escape, but Mikey saves her by shouting, “you can do that!?”

“Gender is a construct, Mikey,” Donnie informs, darting out a hand to cover Mikey’s mouth, “and I haven’t met a construct yet that I haven’t disassembled for fun and curiosity’s sake. Anyway, this is about Ella, not me.” He… she–even just thinking it helps somehow, how is she so damn perceptive–glances at Raph with a crooked little smile. “Do you think that would help?”

El grunts. “Yeah, um, yeah that’s fine.”

“Cool.” Donnie’s smile is a thousand kilowatts.

El would give the whole damn world for her, for all of them. For Mikey and his intense, blinding joy at having a surprise sister, for Leo’s steadfastness no matter what, for Donnie’s ability to find the most unexpected tool to help. The idea that she could have ever had doubts about them is suddenly so absurd that she starts laughing. Her brothers join in, not really knowing why, just happy to see her happy.

Just then Master Splinter walks into the living area.

“I take it that you have had a good swim, my sons?”

Their humor evaporates and the bundle of nerves is back in El’s gut, twisting tight like a fist grabbing her insides.

Stepping forward, Leo starts, “Actually Master-”

El grabs his arm. “No. I got this.”

Leo immediately looks embarrassed. “Sorry.”

“No worries.” El pats him on the shell and then clears her throat pointedly at her brothers. They take the hint and scatter after bowing respectfully to Master Splinter and excusing themselves. They only get far enough away to be just out of sight and on the edge of earshot, El can sense them lingering close by.

Splinter merely raises one bushy brow as El approaches and kneels. “What is it, Raphael?”

“Sensei,” she says, surprised at how steady her voice is, “I hafta’ tell you somethin’.”

“Of course.” Splinter folds into a neat seiza, paws on his knees. “You may speak to me about whatever is on your heart, my child.”

My child. This gives her the courage to forge onward, even though she can’t seem to bring her eyes up any further than her father’s neatly groomed claws. “Sensei. I… I’m not Raphael. Not anymore. ‘S not that I don’t like my name, I just…. I’m not Raphael anymore. I’m a-a girl. I’m not your son. My name is Ella.”

The brief silence that follows is suffocating.

“I see,” says Splinter calmly, no indication in his tone whether he’s taking this well or not.

El trembles. If her father can’t accept this she doesn’t know what she’s going to do.

Suddenly one of her father’s paws lifts, reaching out to gently cup her cheek. A soft thumb pad brushes her scales, gentle pressure coaxing her to lift her head. Splinter’s black eyes are nothing but warm.

“I have seen a great many things in my lifetime. To say I am not surprised would be a lie, but it is not a lie to say that it brings me great joy to welcome you as you truly are, my daughter.”

The dam breaks, and El shuts her eyes tight against the tears suddenly dripping down her cheeks. Once again she shouldn’t be surprised by her family accepting her this way, but it’s still such a relief to be finally recognized. To be seen.

A sob shudders out of her chest and then father, as if she’s not a foot taller than him and three times as bulky, draws her close and hugs her tightly. His claws run across her carapace in a familiar rhythm, like they had so many times when she was still tiny, when she would run to him after a nightmare.

He presses a soft muzzle against the top of her head, whiskers tickling slightly, and then says, with all the pride he possesses as a father, “I am proud of you, my Ella.”

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