#mn. my dream tho was rly nice. yknow. in dreams its so nice bc i dont worry about the way things go or anything.
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Haaah. If yesterday is anything to base things off of I shouldnt use my headphones today bc my neck is fucked.
#friends#diary#personal#i had too much caffine yesterday i think and it felt like i was just high all day. it was horrible. i hated it.#seriously tho my neck pain made it so hard to sleep. and im so fucking tired.#ahhh im so fucking tired all the fucking time nowadays#mn. my dream tho was rly nice. yknow. in dreams its so nice bc i dont worry about the way things go or anything.#all social interaction there feels so natural and calm. its like reading a book sometimes even. it happens#or maybe even watching an anime? i never feel involved and i love it.#as soon as i exist outside of my home tho it feels so surreal to me... i just blatantly dont belong.#i feel awkward n out of place and worry that im doing something strange. and ive just given up really yeah?#when i went to high school i was always so exhausted at school. i couldnt do any work in class and i never could rly explain why.#during class i could sometimes. but i found it so hard to work. i always did. idk. i never did what i was supposed to and i got good grades#...highschool was so hard. its odd to think of it so long ago now? its odd to think i started using tumblr then. or before then?#ive tried so hard to make friends in the past. and ive given up now rly. im fine with what ive got. but anything new...#im just tired. its tiring. everything is. its so painful to think where i could be if everything wasnt so hard always...#im 23... and most of my energy is spent on barely being alive. im tired. so tired of this.#haah. i wish i could live by myself in a lil cottage. wish i could just. exist in a place and feel at ease.#rather than rn.#...ive lost so many over the last few years huh. i dont think it was bad tbh.#ive always felt like im playing at making friends.#trying to do what others expect. or trying desprately to be friends with someone.#but. in the end i dont think that was the best way. i like now better tbh.#these odd. sometimes strangely distant friendships i have. but theyre so much more fun?#rather than anxiously trying so hard. its much more fun to just be.#somehow. i think these ones are longer than my longest?#one way or another. these are better. i feel so much more calm and at ease.#god. just thinking about others is terrifying.#i think everytime i just get overstimulated for someone else. and while thats fine and dandy no one ever understood#eventually if i hang out with other ill get to a point i just cant anymore
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