#when i went to high school i was always so exhausted at school. i couldnt do any work in class and i never could rly explain why.

[k1ss-m3-b3tt3r]

𖣯 High as a Kite 𖣯

pairing: jonathan byers x male! reader (romantic)

summary: smoking weed takes away the feeling of loneliness by providing you with the most perfect food combinations and your best friends. jonathan tries to confess but you cant comprehend a word he says, making him embarrassed and you, wearing fuzzy llama socks, screaming in laughter.

warnings: cursing, weed, awkward but cute fluff :)

a/n: i love fluff and have such a weak heart for jonathan! also happy yule!!! not revised btw

you were always a stoner and somewhat a loner, until you met jonathan and argyle. whenever it was awkward, you would crack a joke and no one could stop laughing. its just something you picked up from high school a while back, the class clown title. you couldnt deal with emotions so getting high was comforting and you were better explaining how you feel while smoking.

while being a cool stoner, youre also oblivious as fuck. everyone notices and im pretty sure you lost most brain cells, but to jonathan you were perfect. not everything about you was perfect, definitely not, but the way you show that goofy smile really lights up the room was magical. it was a hard core crush at this point.

you were never really part of the group until last year, after all the shit that went down in hawkins. you started hanging out with argyle, liking his stoner ways and matched his energy perfectly. “we are all one with the world” and “bro think about it, we’re all just brains! i dont get why people could hate each other.” were things you said quite often while stoned.

today was the day though: to confess. jonathan was nervous, like extremely after the whole thing with nancy and the break up. it hurt him definitely but he decided it was time to actually get out there and do what he wants to do. jonathan invited you over, thinking about how to do this correctly, so he prepped himself, rehearsing the lines. all of a sudden, the doorbell rings.

“ill get it!” jonathan yells while getting off of his ass as quick as possible. his hands were pretty sweaty so he wiped it off, heading to the front door.

“whos that?” joyce says genuinely curious, but of course she rolls her eyes and puts her hand on her hip and steps in front of jonathan. “youre doing all the chores for a week if thats (y/n).” joyce smiles a cheeky grin.

the doorbell starts again, but this time being pressed on a thousand times. “IM COMING!!” joyce yells ignoring jonathan. “wait..!” he tells joyce but she ignores him. shes his mother after all, not the other way around.

once the doors open, (y/n) spins around. “heyyyy miss joyce!” she turns and looks at jonathan with the i knew it face. “uhh, want me to wait out here- nevermind its too cold..” (y/n) jogs inside and acts like its the coldest hes ever felt. jonathan just looks at him like hes an idiot. “come on, lets just go to my room” as he sighs to himself.

before they go anywhere, (y/n) whispers, “hey, bro, hey.. i got the good shit and i may have smoked half of it in my car, but i left you some!” “get your ass in the room!” jonathan mumbles in an exhausted but hushed voice, trying to get (y/n) into a room.

“uh, bye i guess miss joyce..?” “uh huh, you too (y/n)…” she gives a questioning voice with her brow raised, “dont get into any trouble!” (y/n) laughs it off and runs into the bedroom like an idiot. you can here the springs get hit on jonathans bed all the way from the door way.

jonathan gives a little grin, heading towards his room. when he gets there (y/n) is already bringing out the bong, packing it terribly since hes already high as a kite. “hey bro, you gotta check this shit out, its feisty! back i say, back!” while acting like the bag of weed is after him. jonathan laughs and sits on the bed, taking the whole bowl down in a few hits.

“what is in this (y/n)..?” jonathan starts to feel prickles in his legs and his eyes droop. “i told its good shit! i know the best people my man” (y/n) packs another bowl and starts hitting that shit like crazy.

ten minutes later, theyre starting at the ceiling, on the floor of course. jonathan looks over and catches the other guys face, its practically glowing. the guy sits up and looks towards jonathan with his eyes glazed over. “bro… what did i come over here for again..?” jonathan hesitates, “um, i dont know..” jonathan turns away thinking about the confession hes supposed to make but clearly doesnt remember what he practiced.

“damn.. you know man, you cant lie to me even if im high,” (y/n) says as he ruffles his hair and stands up, walking in circles because it “feels good” as you can quote it. “ok ok, i just have to say one thing i guess?” (y/n) stops and stares at him, while jonathan is taking in all his features, down to his beautiful eyes and.. llama socks..??

jonathan sighs, sitting up and rubbing his hands against his face. “umm, (y/n)?” “yuh?” jonathan laughs and just says, “yuh? what does that even mean mannn?” (y/n) looks at him and bursts out laughing. jonathan looks at his hands, “what was i saying?” “bro, i cant even remember what we’ve done for the past uhhh i dont know twelve minutes?” “uh huh, really specific there (y/n)..” (y/n) just grins.

(y/n) stares at the llama socks and whispers, “i think theyre watching me…” jonathan stands up, urgently, asking who is while looking outside. “…the llamas bro…” jonathan looks at him as (y/n) makes that goofy grin. that goofy grin lit up his heart and he realizes what this whole thing was about. he sits next to (y/n) and give him a shy smile.

“ok so um..” jonathan thinks for a moment before blurting out, “i think im in love with you?” (y/n) jolts up and looks at jonathan. “i dont think ive eaten anything today. should i be worried? will i die?” “did you even hear what i said?” jonathan laughs and touches the other guys hand. “i. am. in. love. with. you. does that make sense??” (y/n) just looks at jonathan then looks at his hand and then the door. “if you really love me, get me food my guy.” jonathan sits dumbfounded as (y/n) says that, wondering how he even fell in love with the guy, before laughing. “alright, deal i guess??”

jonathan goes out of his room a little embarrassed, while (y/n) was doing something wild most likely. as soon as jonathan gets back with the food, you have already made a nest out of blankets and pillows on the floor. “what…??” jonathan takes a second before speaking again, “what are you doing?” (y/n) raised his hand, telling jonathan to stop speaking.

“i made a nest and i love you too loser.” (y/n) sits on the floor in his new nest, cuddled up in a ball. jonathan was too stunned to speak. he had to think about what was happening and almost dropped the chips he had in his hand. “so, you made me get food, built a nest, and now you say you love me??” “well..” (y/n) looks around, “yes? now get in.”

jonathan sits in the “nest” and (y/n) immediately pulls jonathan towards him, while sitting quietly. “you know you should brush your hair, its starting to look like an actual nest. jonathan starts laughing and fixing his hair. “is that better?” (y/n) looks at his nest below him and then looks back at jonathan, nodding to himself. “thatll do just fine.” (y/n) soft kisses his head.

jonathan looks around at the nest and then at the bags of chips before looking back at (y/n) again. “youre smoking privileges are being revoked after this.” jonathan laughs and (y/n) gives him a knowing look. “sure thing dude.. sure thing..”

[pizzapizzadickz]

Haaah. If yesterday is anything to base things off of I shouldnt use my headphones today bc my neck is fucked.

[words-for-holland]

Happier (3) | T.H.

Summary: Harrison is looking for answers. More unknown text messages and blackmail. A phone conversation takes place. Wait...who’s the new guy?

A/N: Don’t be shy let me know all your theories! Again, thank you for the support on Happier! The story continues!

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8

Puzzle

This whole thing was just a giant puzzle that needed to be solved, but the closer one got to solving it, another complication comes around. The story wasn’t clear for anyone, but for Harrison it was a mess. He had so many questions that needed to be answered, so many clues he wish could have been solved at the snap of a finger.

Tom was too lost in himself to even comprehend the puzzling reality, Y/N while also lost in heartbreak had been awefully quiet since she left London, Kate was lying to Harrison, and Natalie had been too friendly with Tom.

Harrison replayed the conversation with Kate over and over again in his mind, trying to remember every little thing she said that night. He knew Kate was aware of something. Her tone said it all.

“Listen I dont know who you are, but if its the same person that sent my best friend a threatening message that she’s better off breaking up with her boyfriend”

“She received a few messages...from Tom.”

“Oh my god.” Harrison said to himself in realization. How could he have been so dim to not recognize what Kate had said in the first place? He paced around as he continued to think it through. But a threat message? Who would send a threat to Y/N? And what did they threaten her with? Tom and Y/N’s relationship has been secretly hidden from the public for as long as they’d been together. No one knew she even existed...right?

For a moment, Harrison stopped in his tracks, thinking of Natalie. Though he quickly shook the idea off. Natalie may have wanted Tom, but she wouldnt go as far as threatening Y/N. He had been friends with her since they went to primary school, and knew she wouldn’t go that far. “Maybe a stalker fan?” He questioned himself. Though he also quickly ruled it out, but something about it just didnt feel right.

In the kitchen, Harrison took out his laptop and started googling Y/N’s name. If her name didn’t show on the News or one of those Tom Holland fan accounts, it would at least answer one theory. As he scrolled through pages and pages, nothing showed up until...he found on account. He logged into the site and browsed the history, realizing it was all about Y/N and Toms life. Not as a couple but seperately. It all seemed too strange. Only very few accounts followed it and yet no other accounts in the world had mentioned Y/N. Harrison quickly shut his laptop when he saw Natalie enter the room.

“Oh don’t mind me just...grabbing a water.” She giggled, making her way to the fridge.

“Hey mate...uh..I guess everyone got hungry at the same time?” Harry asked, a bit surprised to see Harrison and Natalie in the kitchen.

“Yeah. I guess.” Harrison muttered.

“Well aren’t you a ray of sunshine. If i didn’t know I’d say you were the one more affected by the break up then Tom and Y/N themselves.” Natalie commented.

“No. It’s just that I dont think Y/N broke up with Tom just because of some rumors about you and him.” He explained rubbing his face from exhaustion. Natalie’s smile dropped, when she heard Harrison mention his potential theory.

“Well...did you talk to Y/N about it?” Harry asked him, also intrigued by the theory. “Now that I think about it she —“

“Oh come on. Just leave the poor girl alone. Im sure she knew what was best for the both of them. You’ll only make it worse.” Natalie interrupted, taking a sip from her water. “Well since you boys are all talk, Im gonna go find something more worth my while.”

Out of sight and out of mind, Natalie made a quick call about what she heard. “Harrison’s getting suspicious, and so is Harry.”

“Time to clean up then.” The unknown number spoke out before hanging up on Natalie completely.

Meanwhile, Kate had managed to get Y/N out of the apartment and walk the streets of the city. Her heart and spirits were still low, but she appreciated the efforts. Kate and Y/N went around stuffing their faces with crepes and ice cream. It was the cure to any bad days, but it wouldnt have been a Kate and Y/N date if they didn’t hang around the New York Aquarium. It was also the perfect time to crack out what Y/N really knew about the unknown text message, and who was harrassing the both of them. “Look, I know I promised you a stress free outing, but I saw a text from your phone the night you came back home.” Kate confessed.

Y/N’s face became pale almost as if she’d seen a ghost. She knew, and now there was no point in going back. “So you know then.” She says quietly looking at the fishes.

“I only know they threatened you.” Kate states, leaving out that she, herself, was also threatened. Y/N had enough on her plate to worry about, and it wouldn’t be the best time to being up how her message also threatened their friendship. “How long?” She continues.

“Weeks maybe. They started around the time I was fighting with Tom.” Y/N vents, she takes a deep breath before she continues. “Each message was worse than the last. They threatened that if I didnt leave, Tom would lose career, and I...I couldnt do that to him.” Tears were falling slowly, but Y/N was quick to pick them.

“Why didnt you tell him?”

“Yeah, Kate let me just tell him the truth of why I left him because the messages weren’t offensive nor threatening enough. And let’s just assume that the person texting wouldn’t blackmail either of us if they knew I said something. Anyways, maybe it was for the best...I could never fit in his world and those past few months just proved that.” Y/N’s words continue to spill out every fear and thought she had bottled up within her. It felt good..for a moment, but nothing can really erase a heartbreak of losing the one you loved.

As the pair walked through the shark tunnel, Y/N bumped into a tall figure. “Oh my god, Im so sorry...Matt?” she asked in confusion. The moment Y/N looked up into those familiar brown eyes hidden behind the thin glasses, she knew. How could she forget? 

“Y/N? Wow, it’s been so long how are you?” Matt greeted as he wrapped her into a hug. “Kate, it’s good to see you again too.” 

“Yeah, we’re great, just you know...navigating life.” Kate responded to him. “We haven’t seen you since what?  High school?”

Matt smiled and nodded at Kate’s response, his focus remaining on Y/N. He didn’t remember much with Kate back in high school, but Y/N was a different story. They were good friends at the time, always competing in classes, but as junior year rolled by things got awkward. Y/N was falling for Matt while he didn’t return the favor at the time. Though he’d be lying if he didn’t say he may have felt the same at one point, but just never committed. Now all grown up, he didn’t realize how pretty she turned out, but her personality wasn't there. He must have figured something was wrong. After all, a girl with that kind of spunk back in the day, didn't seem like the one to lose hers so easily. “Yeah, look. I know it’s kind of a spur in the moment, but maybe we can all hang out sometime? I’d love to catch up.” 

Kate was all for it, but Y/N felt a tension she wasn’t sure if she wanted to act upon. After all, breaking up with your boyfriend after 2 weeks, because of threatening messages and still loving him deeply, it wasn’t an easy thing to move on from. Then again it’s not like Matt was asking for a date, it was just to catch up after not seeing each other for 6 years. “Uh, maybe. I have to check my schedule, and see when Im free, but I can let you know” Y/N answers him. 

“Great, well..here’s my number, and hopefully I hear from you guys. I gotta get back to my brother, so hope to see you around.” he quickly says as he walks away. 

“Wow. Matt Brynne, who would have guessed?” Kate says, breaking the silence. 

“I know...Funny I used to be so head over heels with him at the time, and now I barely feel a thing.” 

“Well yeah, cause you still love...you-know-who.” she teases, though it probably wasn't the best time to be making that type of joke with everything going on.

“And I don't think I’ll ever stop.” Y/N mutters to herself. As Y/N and Kate make their way forward, Kate’s phone began to vibrate. 

Unknown

Set up a date and take a picture of Y/N and that boy you posted on your insta story. Or Y/N finds out the truth about what you did. XOXO

Kate looked up as she cursed herself, realizing she forgot to keep her story private. It was supposed to be a harmless post of old friends reuniting and now the unknown number has used it as blackmail. It would have been easy to find the culprit, but her view count was up in the thousands with unfamiliar faces. It’s what she gets after gaining a decent following on TikTok. Kate couldn’t let Y/N know what she did, and she’d make sure she would hide that truth from her for as long as she can. “Hey, Y/N...I think we should hit up Matt.” she says, running after her best friend. 

At the same time, another texted popped from Y/N’s phone. She picked up thinking it might have been a group chat with her close friends, but it was from the only person who could make her heart flutter and break simultaneously. 

Tom

I can’t stop thinking about you. About us. I still love you. 

Y/N almost called him..almost, but she knew better. She couldn’t...not unless she wanted to continue to hurt each other. 

Meanwhile, back in London, Harrison was ready to come clean to Tom about what he’d found out. He watched as Tom finished typing on his phone, and throwing it on the side of the bed, rubbing his face. This was the new normal. Tom being alone in the dark, reflecting on his sadness and exhaustion. Only stepping out when needed and keeping up smiles for appearances. 

It was then Harrison was ready to knock on the door, when his phone received a notification.

Unknown

Don’t even think about it. Or I’ll make sure you and your lads careers are over for good.

Harrison sighed deeply, as he put his phone down, and walked away. Until he came to a most probable conclusion. “Natalie.” he says anger. “I should have fucking known.” At this point he no longer cared, about who she was before and how they were friends. The timing of it all seemed too perfect. Her arrival, the eavesdropping, the flirting. It had to be her but with what proof other than unknown numbers and good timing? Another part of him feared...what if it wasn't her?

Meanwhile, Tom was still unaware of what was really happening behind his door, but he did know, he had to take a chance now and try to contact her instead of sending these useless messages. In the moment, he showed no signs of regret, only praying Y/N would pick up so he could hear her voice. 

“Tom?” Y/N answers hesitantly.

Tom closes his eyes, as he takes in her soft and gently voice. “Y/N.” he speaks softly into the phone. 

Taglist:

@hollanddolanfangirl​ @ifilosemyselfagain @hevjadams @averyfosterthoughts​ @fangirl-with-a-mission @drishtisikarwar @eridanuswave​ @ifntelyinspirit​ @trumpettay @astridcommings

[barnesandrogersfanfics]

Home - Part 5

It had been a couple of weeks since Jack had turned up out of the blue, i had stayed with Bucky and the kids for a week while Bucky had a restraining order sorted out. I was back home now but not before Bucky had arranged for a state of the art security system for the house (which Steve came round to install), i had tried to tell him a standard alarm system would be fine but he insisted that i had this one.....I would even get alerts on my phone if anyone was detected approaching the property.

It had definitely put my mind at ease about being home alone.

Thursday night i was at the Barnes residence later than expected, Bucky had been held up on a case he was working. Allie had been unusually quiet tonight, every time i asked if she was okay she just nodded and after dinner she took herself up to bed.

It was nearing midnight when Bucky finally got home, i had been asleep in the armchair with the chunky blanket over me but woke up hearing the front door close. Bucky walked in looking exhausted but still gave me a smile when he locked eyes with me.

"Hey doll, I'm sorry its so late. You didn't have to wait up you should have gone to bed"

"I was going to but i wanted to talk to you about Allie" i told him rubbing my eyes trying to wake up.

"She okay?" He asked looking worried, i nodded quickly as he sat on the table in front of the armchair i was in.

"She's just not been herself since i picked them up from school. She's been so quiet all evening Bucky and thats just not like her..... she had dinner then took herself to bed. I tried asking if she was okay and all i got was a nod"

"That does sound odd for Allie, i'll talk to her in the morning"

"Okay, well i'll just do their lunches then I'm gonna turn in for night" i said throwing the blanket off and getting up.

"I'll help you with that, get it done quicker".

I made the sandwiches while Bucky grabbed the fruit packs and juice boxes.

He zipped up the lunch bags after adding the sandwiches i made and put them into the girls school bags. I was wiping down the side when i heard Bucky mumble "shit" under his breath.

"Everything okay?"

"I think i know whats got Allie acting like she is..." he said handing me a sheet of paper from Allie's bag.

'Mother Daughter Picnic' was written at the top of the page signed by Ms Harper for tomorrow!

"Is this a yearly thing?"

"No, they've never had one of these before"

"This woman is crazy! She doing this because you turned her down?"

"I have no idea" he run a hand through his hair "i'll just keep Allie home from school if you dont mind having her?"

"I dont mind at all Bucky you know that. Or i could go with Allie?" I shrugged, this woman was really pissing me off!

"You'd do that?"

"Of course! Ms Harper already thinks we're married so why not" i chuckled rolling my eyes "i dont want her thinking she's got one over on you either"

"Im sure Allie would love having you there with her Y/N" Bucky smiled.

"Do you think Steve could watch Rosie while i do the picnic with Allie?"

"Yeah not a problem, i'll call him in the morning get him to swing by"

"Sounds good, well I'm gonna go get some sleep...good night Buck" i smiled before turning to head up to my room, he grabbed my hand stopping me as i passed him and pulled me in for a hug.

"Thank you doll, you dont know how much this means to us. Your amazing" he kissed the top of my head and took a step back "goodnight Y/N"

"Goodnight" i replied quickly feeling my cheeks burn and went up to my room before he had a chance to see the effect he had on me!

"Allie, baby i saw a letter in your bag about a Mother Daughter picnic at school today" Bucky said at breakfast the next day, she nodded sadly not looking at any of us.

"What would you say if Y/N went with you?"

She looked up with wide eyes at me then Bucky "really?"

"If thats okay with you sweetheart, i'd love to come to a picnic with you" i smiled at her, she broke out in a huge smile climbing down from her chair and running over to me.

"Thank you Y/N" she squeezed me tightly back to the happy Allie we were used to.

She leaned back and placed her little hands either side of my face and smiled "I love you!"

If it was possible my heart would have melted right there!

"Awww Allie! I love you too sweetheart" i smiled at her.

"I love you too Y/N!" Brooke added not wanting to be left out, i chuckled before smiling over at her.

"I love you too Brooklyn James, i love you all"

I caught Bucky smiling at his girls then at me, i quickly returned his smile.

"Okay, i gotta go my girls" he got up pulling on his suit jacket "Steve will be here at 11am to watch Rosie"

"Great"

"How about i swing by the school and pick you girls up today?" Bucky suddenly added like it was the best idea he'd ever had.

"You having a early day?" I asked sounding surprised.

"Yeah, i'll be there to pick you and the girls up" he smiled kissing Rosie and Brooke on the head then coming over to where Allie was still in my lap to kiss her, he surprised me when he kissed my head too.

"See you girls later, love you" he called leaving the dining room, and with that he was gone.

"Okay, lets get you guys to school".

Steve was at the house at 11am as promised, i didn't have to be at the school til 12 so we sat and had a coffee and a chat while we waited. When i told Steve id have to walk to the school because Bucky had insisted on picking us up afterwards, he offered to drop me there instead saying he didn't want me wandering alone.

"So, Mother daughter picnics huh?" Steve said teasingly and wriggling his eyebrows as he drove me to the school.

"Yep looks like it" i nodded " i love the girls, id do anything for them.... even going to mother daughter picnics organised by bitter old bitches"

"Ms Harper definitely fits the bitter old bitch title" Steve laughed "she's liked Buck since high school! You'd think she'd get over him already.... i mean his not even that great" He rolled his eyes playfully making me laugh.

"Thats a lie and you know it, your both great guys"

"Aw thanks Y/N!"

"Shut up Steve, dont make me take it back"

"Oh no you can't take it back now"

"Fine!"

"But in all seriousness, you and Bucky seem to be getting along well...."

"Yeah of course, it'd be kinda awkward if we didn't being as I'm there with kids all day" i scoffed.

"Seems like a little more than a work relationship though"

"Well its not" i shook my head looking to Steve "do you think im sleeping with him or something?"

"No! no of course not..... are you? I mean it'd be totally okay of you were..."

"Im not! God Steve...." i huffed as he pulled up out the front of the school "i can't believe you would ask me that"

"Why? Its not such a crazy thought! I think your good together, and i haven't seen him this happy in a very long time....I think a lot of that has to do with you"

"Your crazy!"

"Tell me you dont have feelings for him then..."

"Shut up Steve" i threw the door open "im late now! Thanks!" I turned to check on Rosie she was still fast asleep in the back seat "dont be bringing this shit up to Bucky!" I closed the door and marched into the school.

I followed the signs for the picnic around the outside of the building that then led onto the playing field where benches had been set out. All the benches were filled with moms and smiling little girls, then i spotted Allie standing on her own away from everyone with Ms Harper! I jogged over only to hear Ms Harper make a comment to Allie about having no mom and that she shouldn't here at the picnic!!

I saw red!! The anger was raging through me, but i knew i couldnt make a scene here infront of everyone.

"Allie!" I called to her so she knew i was there and hadnt let her down! Her little face lit up and she flew into my arms.

"Im so sorry I'm late babe, you can blame Uncle Steve for driving like an old woman" i smiled at her before turning to look at Ms Harper.

"Ms Harper, id like to say its nice to see you again but i dont like to lie infront of my kids" i felt some semblance of pleasure from the worried look on the womans face.

"Allie why dont you go find us a seat, i'll be right there"

"Okay" she said happily running off towards the benches. Once she was far enough away i turned my attention to Ms Harper.

"I heard what you said to Allie you spiteful bitch! I get your not happy that Bucky isn't interested in you but guess what? You dont always get what you want!! And you cannot say that shit to a five year old!"

"I was only telling her the truth! Her moms dead! Why should she be here?"

"Shes got a mom you stupid fuck! Im her mom got it??! I already warned you about messing with my kid.... your lucky theres people here because god help me you would be on your fucking ass by now if they weren't!"

I turned to go find Allie but stopped to look back at Ms Harper "oh and you should probably start looking for a new job, I'm not letting this go and I'm sure my husband wont either when i tell him the vile shit coming out of your mouth"

"But i....." she started to say with wide eyes.

"Have a good afternoon Ms Harper" i called back in an over the top happy voice as i approached the benches and found Allie.

The picnic was lovely, we were sat with some of Allie's friends and their moms who Allie introduced as Josie and her mom Kylie, Emma and her mom Rachel and then Nell and her mom Nessa.

They were all lovely and very welcoming, the afternoon flew by and playdates were arranged, I'm sure Bucky would love that!

2:45 came around and the picnic was over, i took Allie's hand and we made our way out front to wait for Bucky. To our surprise he was already outside waiting for us leaning against the side of his car, he greeted us both with a smile.

"Hey girls"

"Hey yourself" i smiled at him as he scooped Allie up into one arm and draped the other over my shoulders placing a kiss on the side of my head.

"How'd it go?"

"It was so much fun daddy! Y/N met my friends!" Allie told him sounding so happy at how the afternoon went.

"She did?" He asked matching her tone and smiling. I spotted Ms Harper hovering over near the gates looking towards us and frowned.

"You okay doll? You look like your ready to murder someone" Bucky asked as his arm slipped down to wrap around my waist.

"Maybe because i am! I need to talk to you about Ms Harper....."

"Okay" he nodded then turned to strap Allie into her booster seat while we waited for Brooke to come out. Once he was done he closed the car door and turned me to face him so i had my back to Ms Harper the super bitch!! He held one hand against the side of my face making me look up at him, it would look pretty intimate to anyone watching and that was the whole point.... right?

"What happened?" He asked calmly and i couldn't help but wonder how long he'd keep that calm look about him once i told him what she had said.

"I was a little late getting here because Steve was driving like an old woman..." i started to say, i wasn't about to tell Bucky i was late because Steve was questioning mine and Bucky's relationship!

"When i got here Ms Harper was standing away from the picnic with Allie.... as i got closer i heard her telling Allie she shouldn't be at the picnic because she doesn't have a mom!" I closed my eyes trying to fight back the anger once again "how could someone say that Buck!"

I could feel the anger vibrating through Bucky but he just pulled me into his arms, my arms wrapping around his waist.

"I think we should report her Bucky, she cant get away with saying these things to Allie!"

"I agree doll, this has to stop. I'll make an appointment to see the principal”

"I can come with you if you want? Tell him what I've heard her say..."

"Yeah okay, id like that"

"I should tell you now, i threatened to knock her on her ass.... i kinda lost my shit with her" i admitted and Bucky just chuckled dropping his head to my shoulder.

Home taglist

@jeremyrennerfanxxxx123 @lumar014

@bbmommy0902 @past-perfect-future-tense

@heathens-takeitsl0w @captainchrisstan

@ladymelissastark @93generation

@sebastianstansqueen @oceansxpurple

@Imjstaghoststory @rainbowkisses31

@superavengerpotterstar @cap-just-said-language

@booktease21 @ms-betsy-fangirl

@wildest-dream- @michelehansel @thummbelina

@abbylizy

[40-lbs-lighter]

i remember playing dolls w him and we got into an argument because he wanted to be the princess and i wanted to be the princess but there was only one princess doll and i got mad and went home

right after i got my second vaccine my body hurt so fucking bad i couldnt stand it and he held me while i was sobbing because of how bad i hurt and i went home at 3 am because of it

he stayed the night at my house and fell off the top bunk and broke his collarbone and had to leave my house because he was at the hospital and then he went home

the only time i ever stayed the night with him at his grandmas house we slept on the top bunk because the bottom bunk was full of his sisters stuff and his grandma played classical music for us to fall asleep “what kinda music is this??” “Its classical music i sleep to it every night” “ive never heard it my mom listens to loud music all the time”

we were on the phone once maybe 4 or 5 yrs ago and i hung up because i was like “i have to pee ill call you right back because peeing on the phone is weird” “okay” & when i called back “sorry i think peeing on the phone is weird bc i dont like ppl listening to me” “oh okay!”

his parents fought while we hid and played barbies and he had a little food collection that we played with

“genin lewis, im pregnant and its yours” “oh god here take some meth”

we had a mini photoshoot at my school right when covid started one morning at like 6 am

i always called him when i was high and feeling suicidal and he would talk to me but i would never tell him i was upset because i didnt wanna be a burden so i just called and cried

all that, 8 years, and for what?? “Ever since i got back with (guy) i dont care ab you anymore” ?? nobody will ever replace him & we were so toxic to each other to the point where we were encouraging each others eds and sh at one point, but tonight i lay in bed for 2 hours straight sobbing and screaming because everything is gone now. I wish i cherished the time i had with him a little longer. i wish i never went home all those times. I wish i texted him more, and i wish i never said those stupid things about his boyfriend because thats the whole reason we arent friends. “oh its fine youll stop talking for a couple months and then youll be friends again” is what my mom said but idk with 2 teenagers as stubborn as us, we might go our whole lives without talking again because “im not texting first, they should” i cant stop thinking ab him in class and in the store and everything is collapsing and im losing control and its so exhausting to even shower at this point because usually i would text him every little dumb thought i think and he would go along with it but now i have nobody to text my stupid thoughts and my feelings to, and he would do the same. I just hope hes happy now that i blocked him and deleted his number, yk? idk

[sup4l3e]

I’m Crazy...

I’m insane...

I've lost the plot..

I'm hopeless..

I'm worthless..

I'm unloveable..

I'm pathetic..

I'm weird..

I'm strange..

I'm not okay...

I'm a psycho... (ok this one for me might be true... question it, go on try it! i dare you! ;0 lol)

BUT...

I AM!!!

Those are just some of the things my own mind tells me on a daily basis ... yes here it comes a blog about anxiety and depression... omg!! i know right the cliche of it all. like who hasnt written a blog about depression before ...

oh woe is me! am i right?

well... thats where you're wrong!

(before i start i want no sympathy im not writing this for the "aww's" and the "bless her" comments, i dont want sympathy or empathy ... this is simply because ive experienced and lived with depression for about 14 years and if i can help one person feel better about themselves by reading this or help someone realise that they are not alone then, well, i can rest easy tonight. If anything i want to empower people)

I lived for so many years in the dark, keeping all of this too myself and you know what it did? absolutely sweet FA apart from making me so much worse, it gave ammunition to those little voices, telling me all of the above, making them win!

i didnt realise until about 2-3 years ago that talking about my experiences and how im feeling would help.

i didnt realise until about 2-3 years ago how many other people around me were going through the EXACT same thing.

Two and a half years ago i was a completely different person, i was sheltered, i was in a very toxic relationship ... with myself. Most people would disagree, they'd say i was actually in a toxic relationship with my ex partner; but i cant blame him. Dont get me wrong he was toxic and looking back i was lucky to get out when i did, however i am also grateful too him, because he showed me exactly what i dont want in my life. and being fair to him i'd lived with my own toxicity in my mind for a good 10 years before him, so god forbid i'd give him the satisfaction of all that praise coz by god did i do a damned good number on myself without any of his help. ;)

In all honestly though, i do blame myself and my own mind, because 2 and a half years ago those little voices in my own head were the only thing i was listening to, they were winning. I wasnt listening to my family who were worried sick about me, who were practically begging me to tell them what was going on in my head, who i shut out, ignored and pushed away because i couldnt cope and you know what? they didnt deserve that at all. i live everyday regretting that i put them through that, So i now live everyday hoping to make them proud of me and live each and everyday with a promise. I do however live every day regretting that i didnt let them in earlier because if i had of i wouldnt have gone through the hell i did and i wouldnt have genuinely believed "this is what i deserve" "no-one else will love you" "no-one else wants you" "no-one cares"... i wouldnt have had too live a LIE.

The lie was people did love me, i just couldnt see it, people did care about me, i just wouldnt hear it, i needed their help, i just wouldnt speak it; because at that point in time my own mind was telling me that i didnt deserve any of that, and that nobody would ever want to do that for me. So i found sactuary in a toxic person who in the long run made me the strong person i am today because if it werent for him i'd never have the confidence in myself knowing what i overcame, and if it werent for him i wouldnt have seen my family and loved ones take charge and say "Leanne enough is enough" .. they gave me the metaphorical slap across the face i damned well needed and brought me back to reality, they categorically wouldnt allow that behaviour to carry on anymore and for that i will forever be grateful!

i made a promise to them that day that i would always tell them when i was getting low again and i made a promise to myself that day that i would keep them in the forefront of my mind in all of my decisions and i would also promise to try and help anyone else who was ever in the same position i was in.

depression is a funny old thing, everyone will experience some form of depression throughout their life, some people are genetically wired to experience it, some people will experience it from a young age, some dont experience it until very late on in life, some experience it from sad/happy/overwhelming life events, some unlucky souls just never find happiness. but no matter what EVERYONE will, at somepoint experience depression. in this blog im going to try and explain how i've learned to manage and cope with mine.

A bit of a backstory of my depression, it started around the age of 14-15, my depression. I dont know where it came from but it was right around the time of my GCSE's, college, boys, hormones, and being diagnosed with PCOS (for those of you who dont know what that is its Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) i was told at a young age of 14 that i had some sort of syndrome which "would only matter when i got older", and that i had some of the prettiest ovaries the sonographer and gyneacologist had ever seen... in hindsight that wasnt going to be the compliment i first thought it was or the dismissive statement they portrayed it and brushed it off as, at all! THAT diagnosis changed alot of my life, however i will get back to that.

As most teens do around here I started studying for my GCSE's at just 15 years old. i was so stressed out i started actually hearing a screaming voice in my head. i suffered panic attacks daily, sometimes a few attacks a day, and that is where my anxiety started and then, good old depression smashed me in the face. i found the more stressed i became, the more id hear that screaming inside my head which then lead me to thinking " holy fucking shitballs im hearing voices im actually insane" therefore leading to more anxiety and panic attacks. so much so i would come home exhausted at 4pm everyday crawl into my pyjamas and climb into bed ready to do it all again the following day. (dont get me wrong i sat most nights on msn using the latest flashing emojis for EACH and EVERY letter of the alphabet, to the point it looked more like hyroglyphics and obviously getting the colours just right with the codes to make your name and status show in a rainbow. but that was all done in pj's curled up in bed because i couldnt manage much else ... however, if my mam asks i was revising and doing my homework THE. WHOLE. TIME, not talking to my friends about how hot a certain crush's bum looked that day ha! am i right! :P xoxo)

This was all a massive thing for me to go through aswell, due to the fact my dad has mental health issues and lives with schizophrenia, so, naturally at this point, you can imagine i was picturing myself in padlocked straight jackets and padded cells, talking away to the screaming voice in my head. the funniest thing was this screaming voice wasnt saying anything nasty or bad it was just my thoughts screaming at me like everything was angry, so genuinely just everyday life thoughts but those screaming at me, like, imagine thinking "leanne dont forget to pack your PE kit" but in the voice of Gunnery Sergeant Hartman from Full Metal Jacket... it. was. TERRIFYING!

Anyways, so yes high school was a massive contributor, then i made the choice to leave college at 17 because i, like many others, didnt have the faintest clue what i wanted to be when i grew up (little did i know id live the life of peter pan and neverland would be my sesh house OIOI!!!) In leaving college i went into full time work, as a 'temp job' until i decided what i was going to do... unfortunately, 8 and a half years later i was still their prisoner! haha, Nah, dont get me wrong i met some absolutely amazing people in that job and i did love it but i knew at the end, if i didnt get out it was going to kill me off. I'd gotten to the point in that job that i cried myself to sleep knowing i had to go back in the next day. that place contributed alot to my depression not because it was a bad job but because id made a wrong decision and was stuck there. i had to leave.

my next massive contributor, and this is where i divulge some of my REAL heartbreaks. PCOS - Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome or what i like to call Poly fucking Cystic fucking Ovary fucking Syndrome or "lets just fuck shit up!" (no im not bitter about it at all lol) because of this shit, from the very young age of 14 (like puberty isnt hard enough - spots, hair in places you never wanted boobs growing overnight, bleeding once a month being the biggest inconvenience) i have also had to deal with weight issues, hersuitism, depression, anxiety, hormones that sent me bat shit crazy, pain, headaches, fatigue, you name it i had it. but the biggest heartbreak, being told that id always have difficulty concieving and carrying a child. Anyone who knows me, and knows me well, knows i have always wanted to be a mam. (and not the sesh mam who looks after all my drunken idiotic friends on a night out ... coz i swear thats all they ever think i do lol) I mean a real mam, to a real baby. and being told at a young age that i had the prettiest ovaries the gyneacologist had ever seen wasnt the compliment i thought it was because it turned out my ovaries were absolutely covered in cysts. And for years i have tried to have a baby but alas nothing ever happens. i've had a few close calls and ive miscarried, or at least i think i did, the test came back positive but then about 3 days after that pretty pink second line, i had the heaviest period i had ever had for around 4 hours and then my body went back to normal as if nothing happened. it broke my heart.

They say the human body is delicate and intricate and should be treated with respect... i say its a machine and its a absolute twat at times, and why should i respect what in essence has caused me heartbreak from a young age FOR NO FUCKING REASON. but hey ho... life. goes. on.

so... thats my life story or just a snippet of it. and some of the reasons why i have depression.

heres how i cope...

Well, for a long time.. and i mean a VERY LONG time i didnt. i hid it, i hid away from the world. i drank alot. i avoided family, i avoided my best friends, i avoided anything that would have brought me back to reality.

For a long time though, thats what i needed. now im not saying running away from your issues is easy and thats what you should do because its definitely not. im saying i NEEDED to do it at the time because i had no other way of coping and i NEEDED too to learn what not to do in the future. So masking, for me, was better than facing things 'alone'. In that time though, i made my issues alot worse and in fact caused more issues. it hurt my family, my friends and well hurt myself too, because in the long run i still had to sober up and i still had to deal with the same issues that got me down in the first place, i ended up in debt which contributed further too my issues. I did some very silly things which when i look back on them now i could have hurt so many people. i took an overdose of painkillers at one point around 2 and a half years ago. I felt so weak i saw no other outcome but instantly regretted doing it and made myself sick so that they came back up. i've told my mother and close friends about this previously but i think to really show how much i've learned and to reach out to anyone who is feeling the same way i did, to tell them IT REALLY DOES GET BETTER AND EASIER. i think saying that, shows my honesty throughout this post and allows for my experience and honesty really show that i want to help anyone going through the same thing.

Masking just makes the pain go away for a short period of time. learning from your pain and making it your strength is how you really overcome your own mind and depression.

It wasnt until i realised i was never alone, just how selfish and stupid id been all that time, because in masking, hiding and running away, id stupidly stopped myself from a faster recovery, less heartache, less pain and mental and physical torture. and really i stopped myself from helping others in the same position as me.

it wasnt until i learned to make my pain my strength that i truly found peace in who i am.

i still have days where those voices wont shut up, and they win and thats ok.

i still have days where i cannot climb out of bed and thats ok.

i still have days where i cry and the pain is too much and thats ok.

because i learned all of it really is ok! everyone has those same thoughts the same feelings the same illnesses. and i know that tomorrow WILL be a better day.

you just need to learn how to make it and own it as your own!

nothing has changed for me, all of those things are still true they're still real, my body hasnt miraculously healed itself, i still made poor life choices, it hasnt changed my hormonal imbalances but it has changed my mindset. it has changed my life. i made a choice to change my mindset and not let it beat me i decided to let people in. my family are my guardian angels because they never gave up on me, they dragged it out of me and frogmarched me to the doctors for the help i needed but some people dont have that support in their lives.

i'm lucky enough now, to have lived with this for long enough to know my signs, and when i know what i call, "going dark" is coming. basically when i start slipping and losing control of it again, i identify it and know how to manage it head on. unfortunately my body because of the stupid "intricate machine" i have and how broken it is (believe me the day i can swap out into an AI robot body imma sign straight up for that shit imma have me a body like Jennifer Anniston) my body however tends to go into a meltdown, i end up with more migraines, pain and infections. i also get extremely tired to the point i can sleep for a good 15-20 hours a day and thats not me being lazy (although if sleeping were an olympic sport i'd be the universal champion of it BED=LIFE) thats really me needing to reset. at that point in time when i know this is coming, thats when i reach out; i tell my friends and my family "I'm not okay" because i know now i can do that, i can talk to them.

i, personally, take medication daily, and for some reason we live in a society where people are actually shamed for doing so. i know if i dont take those 2 little tablets every day i will lose control and become a shell of who i really am. my seratonin levels drop and i practically become a robot barely functioning. so why should i be ashamed of those 2 little 'happy pills' which make me the person i want to be and know i truly am! no chemical imbalance is going to get the better of me! if i can have the help, im damned sure going to take it. along with the happy pills, aswell as alot of sleep, sunbeds, spending time with family and friends whenever i possibly can, i now have a job that i love, i also retrained as a beautician, and i love going to the gym and swimming whenever i can, ive found i can manage mine alot better. one thing that massively changed my life was limitting when i drink. i rarely go out drinking anymore and the reason is because i know deep down i will end up in a very low state afterwards. alcohol is a depressant and i wont allow that kind of thing to get me down. so now instead i choose to drink once a month if not less. i havent cut out the drink completely i just know if i want to get blinding drunk i need to be in a very happy place to do so. so i am careful where i drink, who i drink with and what i do whilst im drinking and unfortunately much to my neighbours disgust that tends to be in the house whilst singing along to whitney houston or disney songs at the top of my lungs, but thats how i know i'll not plummet the day after, and lets face it anyone whose heard me singing knows whitney had nothing on me ;)

In all seriousness though, the best advice i can give anyone living with depression is talk to someone, talk to your family, talk to your neighbour, talk to your friends, talk to your doctor, talk to your dog, your cat, the postman, the man on the bus who sits oddly close too you... just talk to anyone. tell them how you are feeling tell them your experiences. tell them what is getting to you. Find someone who you can trust, find a stranger. write it all down in a blog. video it. GET IT ALL OFF YOUR CHEST! SAY IT OUT LOUD! Just. Bloody. Talk! please!

everyones experiences with depression are different some people mask it, some people show it, some people (like me now) shout it from the fucking rooftops because im not afraid of my emotions anymore.

everyones ways of coping are different too, some people find the gym helps, some rely on medication, some rely on talking therapies... there are so many different ways of coping out there now... the only way that doesnt work is not admitting something is wrong and fighting your own mind without help, knowing something isnt right but still doing nothing about it. The only way of not coping is living a lie, you dont have to do this alone!

Basically do those things just for you, the ones you've always wanted to do! get that tattoo you wanted, quit your job, retrain, change your hair colour, buy that car, buy that dog, book that holiday.

do what makes YOU happy!

live for you and open up, people would rather know how you are feeling than see you struggle or ultimately not be here.

open up you never know someone might be feeling the exact same way you are and it could bring you closer.

but remember most importantly:

You ARE NOT Alone..

You ARE NOT Crazy..

You ARE NOT insane..

You HAVE NOT lost the plot..

You ARE NOT hopeless..

You ARE NOT worthless..

You ARE NOT unloveable..

You ARE NOT pathetic..

You ARE NOT weird..

You ARE NOT a psycho..

You ARE NOT strange..

And..

You ARE okay...

You ARE Beautiful..

You ARE Worth it..

YOU ARE Loved

i hope this helps...

thank you ☺

[mmmhowaboutno]

ive barely talked about this to anyone, i thought i got over it but you dont just get over stuff like this. i just wanna write it somewhere. a few days ago was august 3rd. three years ago on that day i was drugged and sexually assaulted in my own home by someone who i thought was my friend. i was friends with him for five years prior, so it came as a shock to me when this happened, not just because of what happened but because i realized trusting people is something i may do too easily. 

my parents went away for the weekend with my brother, and my “friend” was in town, so i thought i would invite him over so we could drink and play video games. we had been planning to hang out for a while and i thought it was just a chill thing to do with someone youve been friends with for so long. i still think that. i had two shots of vodka and after that started to feel more drunk than normal. i remember him constantly stuffing his water bottle in my face telling me to drink. at first he casually asked if i just wanted some water, so i didnt think anything of it. when things started getting fuzzy he would say “drink this, its just water, youre so drunk youll feel better.” he never drank from it though. guess where the drugs were. 

i remember bits and pieces of what happened and the stuff he did to me. i remember “across the universe” was playing in the background as i drifted in and out of consciousness. i wanted to watch that movie since high school and always put it off, but now ill never be able to watch it. i remember that while i was on the floor and couldnt move or speak he would make me drink water and tell me that i would feel better soon, all while he was rubbing my thighs or reaching up my shorts. i remember being unconscious for a long time, and when i woke up, he was in the bathroom. i could barely hold up my phone, but i called my boyfriend first. it was 4am for him and his phone was on silent, but he said that he woke up right as i was calling for some reason, like he felt something bad was happening. i couldnt talk. its like i was in one of those dreams where you try to run away but cant, except i couldnt get words out of my mouth at all. all i managed to say was “drugged me.” my boyfriend told me to call the police, so i did. 

when he came out of the bathroom, he acted like everything was normal. i can still see and hear him standing over me and asking “you okay?” while i was drooling on the floor and couldnt lift my head from the drugs that he gave me. i cant remember what happened until the police came. i only remember the knocking at the door and them telling me to open it. the knocking was so fucking loud. he kept looking at me and asking why i called the police, to which i couldnt answer anything. he started panicking and went in and out of the rooms upstairs in my house. he didnt answer the door, and they kept knocking. i somehow managed to get up, tripped and crawled down half of the stairs, and opened the door for them. i remember my dog barking and an officer placing me on a stretcher and so many questions being tossed around. they asked me how old i was and had me call my boyfriend so they could talk to him. they asked my “friend” if he knew that i had a boyfriend, like that would make a difference in him wanting to drug me or being responsible for it. 

he told the officers that i had had a lot to drink before he got to my house, that i was already drunk off my ass before he got there. they let him go. i told them where the drugs were. i pointed at the water bottle that was in his hand and i told them that the drugs were there, in whatever broken words i could get out, and they let him leave. they didnt test the water bottle for anything or look around my house or ask me if i was okay. they didnt ask what he did to me or even ask if he did anything, they just let him leave and took me to the hospital. they didnt even question the fact that he was buying a minor alcohol, they just let him fucking leave. 

when i was at the hospital, they tested me for my alcohol levels, which they said were normal. so there was physical evidence that i was not, in fact, drunk, like he said. when i started to come to after waiting at the hospital for hours, i told the doctors where the drugs were. i told them to test the water bottle, i begged and pleaded for them to get in touch with police and tell them that i didnt have any alcohol in my system, that it was drugs that he had given me. there was fucking proof, but they didnt do anything.

they asked me if i wanted to call my mom, and i almost did, but then i remembered that it was her birthday. so, i spent those three hours alone in the room thinking about all the reasons i was a fuck up and how this was all my fault. no one seemed to believe me, so maybe i did make it all up and i was actually drunk. but no, there wasnt any alcohol in my system. i only had two shots. after a while, the doctors told me i could go home. i was confused because i didnt have a way to get home, so they told me get an uber or something. they didnt really care at this point. i called an uber, and went outside to meet the car. once my feet hit the ground outside i realized that i didnt have any shoes on. i dont know why but i thought it was strange. i kinda hyper-focused on that as i waited for the uber. everything around me was so loud. all of a sudden, a young-ish nurse came outside and stood next to me. he said he would wait with me. i saw him pass my room a couple times while i cried silently for those few hours i was in the hospital. he stood outside with me and walked me to my uber, asked the uber driver for his name and number, and told me i would be okay. i remember what he looked like and ill genuinely never forget him. he made me feel safe just by doing that little thing, i knew i could trust him when i didnt even trust myself in that moment. 

the car ride home felt like it took forever. i was scared of the uber driver and the road and the fact that it was dark outside and most of all of what my mom would think and say when i finally told her what happened. i got home and walked up to my house to see that the main lights were on. my dog was waiting for me on the stairs and ran up to me as i walked inside. he kept licking me and didnt leave my side, but after a while of my dog being attentive and moving around, i realized how quiet it was inside my house. his car wasnt outside anymore, so i knew he had left, but this sudden wave of inexplicable fear washed over me. i started very anxiously searching every room, looking behind doors and in cabinets for some stupid fucking reason. i looked under every bed and turned on every light in my house. i dont know why but i thought he would still be there, waiting for me. i was looking for any trace of him still being in the house and waiting to do it to me all over again. i went upstairs and looked in my brothers closet only to find the vodka that my “friend” had brought for us to drink hidden in a corner. in the room next to mine was the bag with the receipt for the vodka that he bought. in the room where it all happened was the pizza we had gotten to eat and the cushions that he put under my head when i kept flopping over and drooling. that room was like a war zone to me. i couldnt look at it or be in it, i couldnt for almost a year. there were remnants of what happened all over my house and i felt like i couldnt escape it. it happened in the place where i was supposed to feel the most safe, and now i felt trapped in it.

i went into my room and got into bed with my dog. it was 4am, i couldnt sleep, and i didnt know what to do. every noise made me jump. every noise outside made me peek through the blinds to make sure that it wasnt his car pulling back up to my house. i found myself more awake than exhausted, as i should have been. im sure he slept fine that night. im sure he was okay and that he went home knowing that i was in the hospital and my mind was going 1000 miles an hour trying to remember every little detail of what happened so i could convince the cops that he had drugged me. because evidence wasnt enough. words werent enough for them to even try to dig into the fact that maybe i was possibly telling the truth. the cops didnt care, the doctors didnt care. they let him go. 

i dont know why i decided to write about this now, because for the most part, im “over it.” i do still think about what happened occasionally. it keeps me up at night sometimes, but not as much as in the first year after it happened. what i think about the most is the fact that no one believed me. i wasnt drugged and sexually assaulted and then reported it a few days later. the cops came and picked me up in the house where it all happened. they stood next to the person that did it. they looked him in the eye and they looked at the water bottle with drugs in it and at me barely conscious and unable to speak. they let him go. so unfortunately it doesnt surprise me when no one fucking cares if someone remembers and speaks out about their trauma years later because thats the moment they feel comfortable enough to finally talk about it. if cops didnt care in the very moment it was happening to me, it doesnt surprise me that they dont care at all. ever. 

he never tried to text or reach out to me again. why would he? i blocked him the next day anyway and i havent heard anything since. ive been silently dealing with it by myself for years. i went to a therapist about it. she told me that it was my fault for inviting him over in the first place. thats what my parents told me too. 

and the thing is, im not even the “worst” of it at all. this happens all the fucking time. theres very substantial evidence and cops and doctors will stare at it and think about how much work itll be going through the motions to do their fucking jobs and protect the people being assaulted. its too much work for them, but not for the person having trouble falling asleep every night for years because all they can think about is the moment they were unable to protect themselves and were taken advantage of. i always compare what happened to me to what happened to other people. i think less of it because so much worse has happened to other people. i wasnt raped, people are every day but i wasnt. it could have been worse, and ive always pushed the whole thing out of my mind because of that, but i dont think i should. i dont think it wasnt a big deal, and i dont think it will ever be not a big deal. i think that this shit happened to me and happens to people every day and no one fucking cares because its too much work for them to care. this isnt a metoo post, i just needed to put it into writing somewhere because im tired of keeping it inside. i dont want pity, i never have, i think a lot of people think that when something like this happens and someone speaks out about it that thats what they want. i just wanna say it. sometimes its just fucking good to say it. so for the people who do think that i want pity or that dont believe me or that support cops or that dont think this was a big deal: fuck you and have a horrible day.

thats it sorry

[lowkeyhockey]

kiss me once (you know i had a long night) - freddie andersen

Prompt: Do you have any idea who you just pissed off?

Pairing: Freddie Andersen/Single Mother!Reader

Warnings: Mentions of sexual activity

Word Count: 1.9k

Writer’s Notes: Shoutout to my first fic! It’s a oneshot that’s going to be part of a bigger verse titled Can I Go (Where You Go) featuring [Y/N], a single mother, Lila, your five year old daughter, and Freddie Andersen - a man very happy to be dragged along for the ride. Each oneshot fic can be read as a standalone, and the fics won’t have the same rating/warnings, so make sure you check! Thanks so much for reading, and please hmu if you have a prompt/request/critique!

Summary: Someone went to bed a little angry, someone’s utterly exhausted, and someone (probably) needs a cold shower. But hey, we all have our problems 8D

"Do you have any idea who you just pissed off?" 

 Even his famous goalie reflexes couldn't save him from the dinosaur stuffie you threw at his face - and if you were thinking more rationally you'd realise that he'd let you play target practice to let your frustrations out, but you weren't, so you didn't. Still, you couldn't help the slight smile that grew (despite your best efforts) on your face just from watching the bear slowly slide down, its wide, pearly white grin replaced by Freddie's furrowed brow like a real life slide transition.

 But then, seeing Freddie's face usually made you smile. It was kind of a hazard of the job. Maybe someone stronger, someone more used to seeing the kind of gentle concern Freddie currently had in his eyes, might have been better equipped against his face, especially considering the year and a half you'd been together. 

 Someone else might have built up an immunity, or allowed familiarity to breed contempt. But for you, both scenarios were impossible things - more science fiction than possibility - and your poor daughter was suffering for it. 

 Of course, what you called suffering someone else might consider sleeping in her bed, all five years and two hours of her completely turned off from the world, pudgy little arms wrapped around a Carlton the Bear bear Freddie had gotten for her before he'd gone on his roadie. 

 The fact that Carlton had replaced Barney - your birthday present for Lila from last year - in her bed had nothing to do with your using Barney as a makeshift weapon. Nope. You were just doing what every single single mother quickly learned to do - that was, use every single tool in her arsenal to get the job done. 

 Poor Freddie had had to be reminded of it the hard way, the reminder coming barely seconds after he himself had walked through the front door, as quiet about it as thief - or a dad coming home at two am, long after he'd promised his little girl he'd be home. 

 He caught Barney with both hands before the stuffie could hit the ground, left his luggage bag by the door as he walked to you, holding the toy out like a peace offering. God, but he looked gorgeous this way - red hair tousled like he'd ran his hands through it out of frustration a time or ten, those large hands of his dwarfing the toy, his game day suit rumpled in a way that begged you to go and take it off for him. You'd be doing both of you, not to mention the suit, a favour, really. 

More than one suit’s been found with a button missing after Freddie’s had to undress himself, with you waiting for him in your shared bed.

 Freddie in a suit was a sight meant to set your heart racing. Freddie freshly out of a suit - even the idea of it  should probably have sent you into cardiac arrest by now. The fact that you were still standing, still giving him that tired half-smile masquerading as a frown, was probably something of a medical miracle. 

 But then, since meeting Freddie, you'd never managed to forget exactly how lucky you are. 

Lila wasn't allowed to leave her toys lying around and Freddie usually kept to the rule too, and this time he dropped Barney into the toy bin against the wall before he filled his arms with you instead - holding on so tight that you could imagine, for a few seconds, that he was never going to let go. It was nice to dream that he wouldn't, to relax against his solid warmth, to rest your forehead against his shoulder. 

 You couldnt hug him back - his arms were too tight around you, held you too close, and you wanted to tease him about the way he seemed to deliberately keep you from grabbing onto any more weapons - but you couldn't do that, either. 

 Not when he leaned down to brush his lips against your hair, then your temple, then the high point of your cheekbone, sliding down your jaw as though dying for a taste of each last inch of you. He'd pulled far enough away from you by then for you to rest a palm against his chest, huffing out his name and - again - trying to sound more annoyed than amused and - again - failing, and the next time his lips landed against your skin you could feel the way they were twisted into a smile. 

 Solid, stoic Freddie Andersen could barely kiss his girl without breaking out into a grin - you grinned yourself then to feel it, to imagine the way his boys would (and have) hoot in laughter to see it, and that was maybe the signal Freddie needed - the next time his lips landed on you, they landed squarely against your own, his tongue brushing against your lower lip until you relented and allowed him to kiss you more deeply. 

 Allowed him to make you lose your mind, in other words, stealing your breath and making you forget you had a kindergartner in the room right off your living room, the soft glide of his tongue against yours making you wish for his tongue to slide - just as smooth - elsewhere. He knew all of your favourite spots. 

Freddie was the one to pull away, thumb brushing at your lips until you realised you were pouting up at him. Though whether that was because of his late arrival, or Carlton, or the fact that he'd stopped kissing you was up for debate. Come to think of it, there was a lot he needed to make up to you for. 

 "You?" he asked, voice coming out sleep-rough, the one word coming out as half-an exhalation against your lips - making you wish, again, that he was kissing you, would keep kissing you, would let you kiss him all over. 

 But then, communication was - you've been told - a healthy part of any relationship.  

 And his still-furrowed brow look was filled with enough hope to make you laugh aloud, reaching up to wrap your arms around his neck. "You wish you'd pissed me off," you shoot back, tilting your head to Lila's bedroom door. "She knew you weren't going to make it to her birthday. She's fine with that. But we both hoped you'd be back in time to tuck her in. That was her last night as a five year old." 

 "Okay, but she's been telling everyone she's six for five months now."

 You laugh again, this time at the attack on your daughter - what a mother you are. But Freddie was smiling too, the crease in his brow fading away at the sound of your laughter, so maybe it was okay. By this point, Freddie was almost as much of a parent as you are - god knows he's read more books on the subject than you ever did. 

 "You believed her," you pointed out, curling the fingers of the hand you still had against his chest - a tool at your disposal, ready for use - and pulling him down until you could kiss him again. He allowed you three brief pecks, each time teasing, chuckled low in his chest when you let out a frustrated groan. 

 "Greedy," he chided, and you were just about to tell him exactly how greedy he makes you feel when he tilts his head to Lila's door, looking - again - like someone had had to put down a dog, and it was somehow his fault. 

 Freddie tended to take the whole world onto his shoulders - he did it with his team, he did it with his friends, and he did it with your family - the family he insisted to the world was his, with every little thing he ever did. 

 Like take Lila to family skate, patiently teaching her how to take baby steps and how to get up each time she fell, until she was racing across the ice (while you watched from the entrance to the ice, heart in your throat) by the end of the day. Like stay with you through your last, short stay at the hospital, only leaving to check on Lila at her grandparents' and bring you back illicit treats and fresh clothes. Like book his own seat, in a commercial flight, because the team plane wasn't heading back to Toronto until the day after Lila's birthday.

Was it his faul the plane had been delayed? No. But Lila had been upset that he hadn't gotten back in time for a bedtime story, and Freddie had been upset because he'd planned on surprising Lils at her birthday party, and you'd been upset because 

a) the two people you loved most in the world were unhappy, and

b) you missed him. 

 So when you murmured "five days is way too long for you to be gone," he understood, and believed you, pulling you closer into the curve of his body again. You didn't mean - you never meant - to sound as though you resented his schedule; what mattered was that he came back, and he always did. 

 "She'll probably forgive you when you surprise her with pancakes in bed tomorrow," you told him, and he makes a soft humming sound as though considering it - as though he wasn't already on planning on that, and to use his free day tomorrow to take Lila wherever she wanted - like the zoo. Or an art museum. Or a build-a-bear workshop. See how Carlton likes getting replaced. 

 It was maybe a little mean to talk Freddie into getting out of bed before Lila, who was, in her tiny, infernal heart of hearts the worst kind of morning person, but you knew by then that if Freddie didn't have some kind of way to make amends he'd do more and more ridiculous things out of guilt. That was how Lila had ended up with her own personal bouncy castle last summer - and the castle's still standing, in a room at Freddie's house he's not going to get back until Lila hits middle school at least.

 The smile he gives you, eyes all wrinkled in the corners, is enough to make you feel like a superhero and a Disney villain in one. 

 "Pancakes for the little princess, and for my princess?" he asked, and no matter how many times he's called you that you still blush, just a little, just enough for him to unwind one arm around you to chase the colour with his thumb. 

 "We don't have time for a scene tonight, but maybe tomorrow, hm? I'll get Lila nice and sugared first, then work that energy off at the park or something, and then we'll foist her off onto your parents." 

 You nod then, then, tilt your head back for one last kiss, and this time he gives it to you. The next kiss, he presses against your forehead before he goes into the bathroom to brush his teeth and get ready for bed. The last one, before you fall asleep, you feel pressed into your hand as he brings it up to his lips, the murmured "I love you" he said to you in Danish understandable only because he's said it so many times. 

 Unlike your poor little daughter, you fall asleep content. 

[floatingpetals]

Peace and Quiet?

Pairings: Steve Rogers x Reader

Warnings: Angst-ish, language, the reader makes a poor decision, fluff as well  

Word Count: 5900+ 

Request: “I seriously love your longer one shots! Could you please do a Cap (or Bucky) + reader, where the reader is kinda loud/outgoing because of not wanting to be forgotten or something? And the reader figures they make him uncomfortable and shuts everyone out, leading to him confessing he likes the reader? Fluff please?” @homeybadger

A/N:  Wow so uhh, this has been a request that’s been sitting in my inbox for sooooo looonnng. No seriously, like super long. I feel so bad that it’s taken me just now to get to it. I wanted to do something nice with it, but I just couldn’t get it right, then I forgot it was there and then I remember and scrapped the whole thing. I hope you enjoy this story and I hope the length makes up for it! I did not mean to take so long on this! I hope you all enjoy!! 

**I’m also debating on doing a second part, but it all depends on the feedback I get. So please let me know what you think! ❤

Gifs not mine, credit to the creator!

“Oh, bad luck. You landed on Boardwalk,” Sam smirked, a giggle beginning to bubble in his chest as the rage that was settling on Y/N’s face across the table. She glared at the double dice, a freaking snake eye, that had been against her the entire game. “And if my math is correct, with my three houses you owe me $1400. And from the looks of your very sad pile, you’ll have to sell everything on top of declaring bankruptcy.”

“I hate this game!” Y/N screamed, throwing down the $300 hundred she had left.

“Hey, don’t hate the game!” Natasha shot back, grinning behind her beer bottle. Y/N shot her glare.

“Oh, shut up! You and Clint have been cheating the entire time and you know it!” she growled. Clint gasped but was cut off by a sharp jab in the ribs by Bucky. He grumbled and pulled out the chance cards he had stashed away, and nudge Natasha to pull out the money she had hidden away. “See! This game sucks!”

“Now, now. No need to go all green on us.” Tony grinned. Bruce made a noise before letting out a puff of air. Irritated with both the game and how smug everyone was acting, Y/N exploded with a primal battle cry.

“Fuck this game! You people are all cheaters!”

Everyone had enough time to grab their drinks off before Y/N flipped the table, the pieces flying everywhere. Bucky and Wanda both doubled over in their seats, howling when Y/N began to scream at Tony, who jumped up and was yelling back at the same volume. Clint and Natasha were grinning like idiots as the mayhem grew. Bruce rolled his eyes when Sam jumped in, normally the tone the room shifted would set him on edge, but this wasn’t unusual. The only person that wasn’t reacting, save for Vision who had no idea why tensions were so high over a silly game, was Steve.

He had decided to sit this game night out. After the Mario Party debacle, he wasn’t ready to jump back in the ring. Thor spun a wheel and tossed a dart to cut someone’s stars in half. He landed on Y/N’s. While she was once in the lead, that cut her stars in half and she was suddenly in last place. That was fine. It was when she was hit by Bowser, who Tony was playing as when they managed to let him loose of his little prison that she flipped her lid. The team got a kick out of her raging at the games, and all banded together to see how quickly she could snap. Steve, however, didn’t see the charm in it.

To put it lightly, Y/N was a lot to handle. She was everywhere all at once to begin with, her voice carrying through walls. There wasn’t a single mean bone in her body, aside from her intense competitive streak. She seemed to win over anybody. Steve still wasn’t sure. He’d admit, she was sweet and everyone else seemed to love her. Steve thought she was cute too, sometimes she would fall asleep on the couch and he’d find himself taking advantage of her stillness to stare. But she never stopped to breathe once it seemed. He couldn’t recall a time where she wasn’t talking loudly about something or practically bouncing off the walls from excitement. She was a lot more than he was used to. Y/N made his head spin. It wasn’t terrible, but it was a bit exhausting after a while around her. It also didn’t help that sometimes her power manifested with her growing emotions. Which is what was happening right now.

“You’re the one who wanted us to play this stupid game!” Tony accused, rolling his eyes.

“Did not! I specifically said that I thought it was a stupid idea because I always end up flipping a table! You’re the one who then said we had to play it since learning that bit of information.” She countered pointing a finger at him. Tony stopped, a sly grin spreading across his face.

“Oh yeah.”

“Ugh!” She grumbled. “You people are so frustrating! Why do you do this to me?!”

“Because it’s fun.” Tony grinned, his eyes flashing with glee. That was the wrong thing to say. Now Y/N really was angry. She grits her teeth and balled her fists at her side. If this was a cartoon, she’d have steam coming out of her ears she was so angry. Unbeknownst to her, her powers started to manifest with her mounting fury, afflicting the others in the room.

Y/N’s power was special and even a bit strange considering how specific it was. Since she could remember, Y/N always had the gift to control the aura around her to suppressed others authority and leadership skills. It was a power that had come handy in her life, but also hindered her more than it helped. She had a rather strong grip on it at all times, but sometimes that control slipped. Tony’s face paled, and everyone else around her started to shift uncomfortably.

“Uh-Y/N.” Wanda reached out, her fingers gently brushing against the back of Y/N’s arm. Wanda flinched, the contact enough to send her the full force of Y/N’s strange power, but she fought to stay strong. Y/N blinked, quickly realizing the shift in the room was because of her. Her shoulder’s dropped and the suffocating aura surrounding her disappeared. The room sighed collectively in relief.

“See. This is why you shouldn’t poke the bear.” Y/N huffed, crossing her arms against her chest. Tony chuckled and shook his head.

“It’s nice to know you’re aware.” Sam let out a laugh as well, grinning widely at her. She grumbled under her breath and turned to sit back in her seat. As she did, she scanned the room and noticed a spot empty. Standing straighter she glanced around the room.

“Hey, where did Steve go?”

The group collectively turned around, just now noticing the empty seat their Captain once took up as well. Bucky frowned and shot a look to Natasha, who seemed on the same page. Slowly, he turned to back to Y/N.

“Uh... Maybe he decided to turn in early.” He tried. The team seemed to take it, albeit skeptically. He had been doing this a lot lately, getting up at disappearing without a word. No one wanted to say it aloud, but they all noticed it happened around the time Y/N came to the team four months ago.

Y/N stilled, her eyes hardening for a split second before they seemed to glaze over. Shaking her head, she heaved a sigh.

“I’m gonna turn in early too. Sorry, this little outburst just took a lot out of me.” She said, stepping over the discarded pieces and was out of the room before anyone could argue. The room had shifted into a subdued atmosphere, everyone thinking the same thing.

“Someone needs to talk to him.” Wanda murmured. Bucky nodded, letting out a sigh.

“I’ll talk to him.” He said. The rest all murmured in agreement, slowly trickling out the room since game night clearly was done for the evening. They could only hope tomorrow would end on a better note.

~~~~~~~

Y/N sat on her bed, clinging to her favorite stuffed animal wondering just where she went wrong. Since she joined the team a few short months ago, she had been trying her best to get close to the rest of her teammates. Naturally, she was a bubbly person. But her gift made it harder for her to get close to anyone. Her parents thought it was odd, the power came from nowhere when she hit the age of three. It took them time to figure out that it wasn’t because she was incredibly intimidating and that she was unintentionally suppressing their confidence level.

They spent years taking her to doctors and specialists that might be able to help her control her powers. It wasn’t without consequences. Because she struggled for so long to control her powers, she spent a lot of her life unintentionally hurting those around her.

Her classmates didn’t know what exactly, but they knew something was wrong with her. She spent the majority of her school years alone in the corner, shunned from taking part of anything in her classes. If anyone tried to give her the benefit of the doubt, something always went wrong. They were terrified of her. The fear turned to indifference and eventually, they paid her no mind. No one wanted her in their lives. But for Y/N, she wanted nothing more than to be accepted and included.

Which might explain why she was the way she was today. It took years to master her control, but she did it. And now that she was an Avenger, she was surrounded by people who were like her. Special and unique. Nowhere else could she be herself as she could here. This was her last chance of being free and she never wanted to be forgotten.

It didn’t take her long to win over the others. They were more than aware of what she could do. Not a one batted an eyelash, no one shrank away in fear they’d be subjected to the smothering fear she could plague them with. If anything, it fascinated them. She was the one who they’d send in to interrogate. Whether on location or in a holding cell, it didn’t matter. Her power was a gift to get the tightest of lips to talk. For the first time in her life, Y/N felt as though she had finally found her calling.  

Y/N was proud of how far she had come. It was years of uphill battles and year left in the shadows. But now, she had it all, friends, her family and a job she loved. All except the acceptance of Steve. He was polite, but he always had an air of discomfort around her. Not with anyone else, just her. Y/N hated to admit it, but it hurt.

Since the day she met him, Y/N fell hard. Who couldn’t though? He was charming, cared for his friends and protective of his family. But for some reason, he just didn’t seem like he enjoyed being around her. Perhaps, she thought, it was something she said to him. She couldn’t recall anything that might set his teeth on edge, but she was at a loss.

Letting out a heavy sigh, Y/N set her stuffed animal down on the bed and swung her legs over the side. She knew she shouldn’t dwell too much on it. He could very well be in a bad mood, and it could confidently only be when she’s in the same room. She snorted. Yeah, that was it.

No, she thought, there was something more about it. Thinking back all the times she noticed he’d got running, realization hit her like a freight train. Every time he ran, it was because of something she did. It was her. A broken sob crept it’s way up her throat. She was the reason, that was the only thing it could be. Steve Rogers, the man who unknowingly held her heart in his hands, was uncomfortable with her. She clenched the sheets of the bed and held back her tears.

Y/N had to change. Her behavior had always been a problem, she knew that. She was so terrified of being left alone and forgotten again, she let her eagerness go too far. Falling back on the bed, she stared at the ceiling and came to a life-altering decision.

~~~~~

“Hey! There you are!” Natasha grinned motioning Y/N over to her mat. “I was wondering if you’d ever show up or if I’d have to go up to pull you out of bed.”

Y/N didn’t respond with her usual quip, just sent her a tight-lipped smile and a soft apology. Natasha blinked her lack of typical response slightly off-putting. Where was her boisterous hello and never-ending pouts of energy? It was one of the fun things about working out with Y/N first thing in the morning. This wasn’t usual of her at all.

“Okay.” Natasha drawled, looking over Y/N to try and decipher her new attitude. “Well, let’s get started on stretching you at, then we’ll get on the mat to spar.”

Y/N wordlessly nodded, moving over to where the yoga mats were laid out waiting for her. Natasha took up the spot next to her, keeping her eyes especially close on Y/N. Aside from her uncharacteristically quiet demeanor, it didn’t seem like there was a hair out of place on her. Although, her movement seemed a bit on the robotic side. Y/N was just going through the motions, getting done with her stretches before wordlessly making her way over to the mats without a glance to Natasha.

Natasha sat up and watched Y/N leave without a word, flabbergasted. Things seemed fine last night, aside from Steve’s abrupt disappearance. As far as Natasha knew, Y/N had gone straight to her room to sleep. And everyone was either here in the gym or Tony and Bruce in the lap. So, what happened to Y/N?

“Hey, you okay?” Natasha asked, catching Y/N’s elbow.

“What do you mean?” Y/N tilted her head to the side, brows furrowed.

“I don’t know,” Natasha said slowly, her gaze narrowing the longer she stared at Y/N. “You just seem… off today.”

“Oh.” She uttered simply. “Yeah. I’m good.”

Pulling her arm away from Natasha, Y/N wandered over to where Sam was now standing with Bucky. Their smile grew at the sight of her, both unaware of Y/N’s new behavior.

“Good morning sunshine!” Sam beamed at her, wrapping her up in a hug. Y/N let out a faint giggle as she hugged him back. Bucky grinned and tilted his head in greeting.

“Morning doll. You sleep okay last night? I didn’t hear your snores through the paper-thin walls last night.”  He teased, nudging her with his shoulder. Y/N huffed but surprisingly bit her tongue.

“Morning Bucky. Yeah, I slept fine.” Y/N shrugged, her face showing little to no emotions. “We ready to get started.”

Both men were stunned, completely thrown off by her sudden change. They shot Natasha a startled look, who could only shrug. She hadn’t the faintest idea either what happened. Y/N wasn’t supplying them with anything either, so all they could do was continue as if nothing was wrong. It didn’t mean they weren’t going to question her later of course.

Getting done with their training was odd, uncomfortable even. Y/N didn’t speak unless spoken to, and even then they were short simple answers. There was none of her usual spunkiness that fought back with each quip Sam sent her way. He even tried to rile her up, he almost pulled out all the stops in a hope to gain a reaction from her. But she didn’t move an inch. Bucky tried to get her to react when he threw a punch harder than necessary her way. They thought they had her, there was a spark of fury in her eyes after she picked herself up, but she quickly wiped the expression on her face.

In the end, Y/N went through the motions, doing what needed to be done without her usual flare. At one point, Wanda had even commented on how unusually quiet she had been. When Y/N left to head to the locker room, she cornered Bucky and Sam.

“What did you two do?” she hissed, jabbing a finger in Sam’s chest. He made a noise in the back of his throat offended at the accusation.

“What the hell makes you think we did anything?” Bucky crossed his arms across his chest. Wanda turned her narrow gaze to Bucky.

“Well. Something happened to her. And I know Natasha wouldn’t do anything to hurt her.”

“Oh and we would?” Sam snapped, shaking his head. “We didn’t do anything to her Wanda, she was like this when she came in.”

“He’s right.” Natasha interrupted, siding with the two men. “She’s been like this all morning. I have no clue why.”

The door the locker room opened, Y/N walking freshly out of the shower and a new change of clothes. She stopped short when she saw all four eyes locked on her across the room. Awkwardly, she waved to them before heading to the exit. Right as she reached it, Steve swung open the door, towel in hand. His steps faltered and a tight-lipped smile passed on her face.

The group couldn’t see her face from where they stood. All they could see was her nod her head once before stepping around Steve with a wide berth to head out the exit. Steve was left stunned. It wasn’t normal to not have his ear talked off when it came to Y/N. Blinking rapidly, he wandered over to Bucky, brows furrowed in confusion.

“What she say?” Wanda asked. Steve’s mouth fell open to answer but couldn’t find the right words.

“Uh… Nothing.” He shrugged.

“And you don’t find that strange?” Wanda asked the group, pinning each of them with her stare. Bucky bristled at the insinuation, his hands balling into fists.

“We never said it wasn’t. We just have no idea what’s wrong with her.” He snapped, stepping up with his back straighter and shoulders set. Wanda glared right back, red seeping into her eyes. Natasha wiggled her way between them, grumbling under her breath.

“Alright. Alright, enough.” She held her hands out to both, pushing them back. “Wanda, we have no clue what happened. Y/N walked in like this. It’s probably nothing and she’s just having an off day. Why don’t we just let whatever happened run its course and see how she is through the rest of the day. No point on biting each other’s heads off when we all did nothing wrong.”

The group grumbled their agreement, still not at ease with how the morning had turned. Steve was just as concerned as the rest. It was odd that she didn’t greet him with her megawatt smile when he walked in the gym, and it was odd how her face seemed to tighten at the sight of him. All he got this morning was a tight-lipped smiled before she ran out the door. What was even odder was the fact that she seemed to give him as much space as possible. As if she didn’t want to get too close.

Steve turned to the door, his brows creased and mouth in a tight line. Something was going on with Y/N, but who was he to worry about her?

~~~~~~~~

Things hadn’t gotten much better with Y/N over the next few days. She had stopped taking part in the loud discussions that always managed to start up in the kitchen or the living room. Her words were short and few in between, but she didn’t seem upset. Just much more subdued than usual. When someone would speak to her, so would she. But it was never the same volume as before.

Sam and Clint both made it their mission to get her to snap. They did everything from switching her sugar to salt in her coffee to going into her room and putting baby powder in her hair dryer. Nothing worked. She would just sigh and turn her back to them, shoulders tense. They thought she’d give up and go back to her old ways, but nothing worked. Not even Natasha could get her to admit what was wrong.

Steve, however, was taking her attitude change harder than the rest. Don’t ask him why he didn’t even know. He thought he’d prefer her at a lower decibel, he assumed she would be more manageable and easier to get along with. But this, this wasn’t what he thought it would be like. To him, it almost seemed creepy. This wasn’t the Y/N he had come to know. The wasn’t the same woman in the slightest. It was as if someone else swapped personalities with her.

Y/N hadn’t shown any improvement in her attitude in the field either. Actually, she seemed to be less productive now. One of the ways she managed to get people to confess was using her power and then releasing it. There she’d act like a good cop, bargaining with them for information and if they didn’t give her what she wanted, she’d switch her powers back on again. Now, she just threw herself into it. There was no build up, no false sense of security.

Just last week they needed information about the next hit Hydra ordered. They apprehended one of the agents and sent in Y/N to get out the information when he wouldn’t fess up. The team assumed the old Y/N would come out now that she was in the field. Instead, she walked in and used the full force of her powers on the man. She was already so powerful, but she had a strong grip on her control. When her power flared to life, even with the thick walls it suffocated everyone.

The agent instantly started sobbing, blubbering like a small child before it grew to mindless screaming for mercy. As it turns out, her power can actually break the human spirit and shatter their sanity into a thousand pieces. It only affected the man in front of her, but it still rattled the rest of the group. Steve was furious.

“What the hell was that?!” He snarled, dragging Y/N into a conference room. She blinked, her face unmoving despite the rage rolling off him in waves. Tony, Fury, and Maria both sat around the meeting table, their mouths pulled into thin lines. She tore her gaze away, refusing to look at anyone in particular as Steve raged on. “You ruined any chances of getting information out of him!”

“Actually Cap, she ruined any chance of him being a normal human being again,” Tony interjected, pulling up a hologram of the doctor's report. The mental status report had been sent in a few moments before Steve dragged her in. The poor man couldn’t remember his name let alone the information they needed.

Y/N pinched the bridge of her nose between her fingers and let out a heavy breath. When she opened them, their faces hadn’t changed a bit. Settling on a point at the table, the brief glimpse she caught of their expressions was burned in her mind. Steve was livid, Tony seemed borderline irritated with a hint of amusement, while Fury and Maria both had a hard expression that told her she was in for it for the next few weeks.

“Look. I’m sorry. I let a few personal matters get to me and clearly, I didn’t handle it well.” She said calmly. Steve flinched at how lifeless she sounded when she mentioned her personal matter and shot Tony a concerned look. Tony tilted his head in acknowledgment, he too aware of the pain she seemed to be suppressing. “I can’t promise it won’t happen again by accident, but I’ll make sure to put more training in to ensure it doesn’t.”

Fury shifted in his seat, folding his hands on his crossed knee. His single eye narrowed as he looked her over and gave her a curt nod.

“See that it doesn’t agent. Dismissed.” He said curtly. Y/N’s eyes fluttered shut for a spilt-second before she jerked her chin and spun at heel to leave the room. After the door shut behind her, Fury grunted.

“What did you people do to her?” He accused, leveling Steve and Tony with a stare. Both men frowned and glanced at the other.

“We didn’t do anything.” Tony snapped, narrowing his eyes. Steve set his hand on the back of a chair and sighed.

“She’s been like this for almost a week now. This is the first time she’s actually admitted something wrong.” Steve replied, his brows furrowing at the tightness in his chest at the idea. It wasn’t like Y/N to keep everything bottle up inside her like this.

“Well, whatever’s wrong with her, fix it,” Fury ordered. “She needs to be in complete control and that can’t happen when her minds on other things.”

Pushing back the chair he stood, Maria right behind him. Not waiting for a reply, he grabbed the folder off the desk and briskly left the room with Maria following. Steve flinched when the door snapped shut behind them. Tony scoffed.

“You can get rid of that sad puppy dog look, Captain.”

Steve frowned, his head snapping up to Tony.

“What’s with the tone, Tony?” He asked. Tony rolled his eyes and leaned back in his seat.

“We all know you don’t like Y/N, you put up a good front though.” He waved a hand absently. “But when you dart out of a room anytime she comes in, or you won’t sit to talk with her when she comes to find you, it gets pretty noticeable.”

Steve stood taller, his mouth drawing into a tight line. He opened his mouth to argue, but it dawned on him. He hadn’t been the most welcoming person to Y/N in the few months she’s been here. Was that really how everyone perceives him? Tony smirked and shook his head.

“To put it simply; you’ve been an ass to our Y/N, and I wouldn’t be surprised if it was something you did.” Groaning softly under his breath, Tony stood and grabbed his tablet. Steve’s face fell, the notion her change might have been because of him made his stomach turn. Tony clapped a hand on his shoulder, his mouth pulled into a tight line. “Like Fury said, we’re going to fix this. But don’t worry. We won’t waste your precious time.”

At that, Tony left Steve alone in the conference room, the sting of his words lingering behind. Steve’s shoulder slumped. Maybe this had been his fault. But when? How? He really didn’t think it would have been that big of a deal to leave early after the game. Maybe he thought wrong and she did take it wrong. That wouldn’t mean this complete 180 though, would it? It wasn’t the first time he escaped a game night gone wrong, and she didn’t seem upset them. Perhaps it was something else. That had to be it. He really hadn’t done anything wrong, at least he didn’t think he did.

“Hey FRIDAY,” Steve called. Immediately, the AI system responded.

“Yes, Captain?”

“Go back to the last game night, the one with monopoly, did anything happen to Y/N between the time I left, and she went to bed?” He asked. Silence met him as the computer searched the data.

“No, it doesn’t seem like anything happened. She never left her room once she entered either.” FRIDAY replied. Steve frowned, even more, confused than before. So if there wasn’t anything that happened to her then what was with change?

Clenching his jaw, Steve knew he needed to get to the bottom of this. Not just as a Captain to his team, but as a way to make up for being such a shitty housemate. And maybe even as a way to start an actual friendship with him. Now that he’s seen this side of her, he realized how judgment and close-minded he was. He needed to find her and talk with her.

~~~~

Y/N had just stripped out of her suit and into her PJs when there was a hesitant knock on the door. She frowned. She wasn’t expecting anyone tonight, especially not after she just got her ass handed to her. Reluctantly she went to open the door and was surprised at the person on the other side.

Steve stood there awkwardly, his hands in his pockets. She blinked and took a step back.

“Uh… hi?” she greeted cautiously.  Steve smiled hesitantly and shifted from foot to foot.

“Hey. Can we talk?”

“W-Why?” She clutched on the handle and shifted behind the door in an attempt to hide behind it. Steve noticed and his smile fell. He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair.

“I know I’m the last person you want to talk to. I’ve not been the most welcoming and I want to apologize. Can I please come in?” He asked earnestly. Y/N was caught off guard at his sincerity. Nodding numbly, she pulled the door open and let him in her room.

Steve glanced around the room, noticing the number of pictures she had hanging up on her wall, pretty fairy lights cascading down the walls illuminating each photo. Her comforter was a light lilac with stuffed animals on the bed. He eyed the little knickknacks matched the rest of her décor on her desks and shelves adding to the warmth and homey feel her room had. Realization hit him that he really hadn’t taken the time to get the real her.

“Go ahead and have a seat.” Y/N waved to the bed before sitting on the other end. Steve sank into the plush mattress, taking a moment to look over Y/N. She refused to make eye contact, to busy wringing her fingers together to notice him staring. Once again, he was struck by how beautiful she was, and how poorly he handled everything.

“Look Y/N, I don’t know what happened the past few days and why you’re acting different, but somethings changed. We all can see it.” He said. Y/N opened her mouth to argue but thought better of it. Steve continued on. “I don’t know what happened, but it hurts all of us to see you like this. It’s like you’ve lost a huge part of yourself and we’re seeing this empty shell. I mean, Sam and Clint both are losing their minds because what ordinarily would work on getting you riled up is doing nothing. And Bucky’s beside himself, Natasha and Wanda are worried sick, and Tony is pissed because-.” Steve stopped short, his face twisting into a pained expression. “He thinks I’m the reason.”

Y/N tensed, her breath catching in her throat. It was minuscule, but Steve caught it. He sat taller and his stomach sank.

“It is because of me.” He whispered sadly. He tore his eyes away from her to stare blankly at his hands. Y/N closed her eyes but didn’t deny it. “I’m sorry. I know I’ve not been accepting. I didn’t mean to hurt you though.”

Y/N nodded slowly, biting her lower lip as he kept talking.

“Truth is, you intimidate the hell out of me. I’ve never met someone who was so sure of themselves and so incredibly proud about it. You held nothing back and you’re so willing to put your heart on your sleeve, I kind of envy you a little. People loved you right of the bat and your just so sweet inside and out. I mean, you didn’t let anyone tell you to chill out before. Which leaves me to ask, why now? Why did I affect you so much that you changed everything about you?”

That caused Y/N’s face to heat up. No way was she going to admit it aloud! It was already embarrassing enough Steve knew he was a reason why she changed, but for him to know what the full reason was mortified her.

“Y/N.” He gently took her hand in his, the corners of his lips turned up. “You don’t have to tell me. I just want you to know that no matter what you think, I don’t hate you. I never did. Matter of fact, I really like you. More than I thought. It didn’t hit me how much I’d come to admire and appreciate your take on life until now. I miss hearing you bicker with Tony about the best brew coffee first thing in the morning or when you and Bucky gang up on Sam. I know Natasha and Wanda miss having their best friend. And game nights will never be the same without you threatening and then following through with flipping a table.”

Y/N giggled and ducked her chin. His grin grew, finally seeing a glimmer of her former self.

“I’m not asking you to forgive me for how I’ve behaved. I can only ask you’ll give me a chance to make up for being such a shitty person.” He grinned.

“Language, Captain.” Y/N teased.

“Is that ever going to die?” Steve groaned and rolled his eyes. “Wait you weren’t even there!”

“I know but hate to break it to you, it’s here for the long haul.” Y/N giggled and shook her head. Steve’s laughter joined hers, his smile stretching from ear to ear. He titled his head to the side after a beat before letting out a sigh.

“So, are you going to be okay?” He asked hopefully. Y/N let out a deep breath, for the first time all week feeling lighter. She was so drained from keeping her emotions in check, it took every ounce of her strength not to react to the attempts at making her snap. She knew it was ridiculous trying to change, but she really thought it was for the better. Turns out, it not only damaged her but everyone she loved.

“Yeah. I think I’ll be okay.” She spoke confidently. Steve patted her thigh and quickly stood.

“Good, because Tony discovered some new game called The Jackbox Party Pack or something along those lines.” He extended a hand and waited for her to take it.

“Wait, right now?” She asked surprised. He nodded and took her hand.

“Yup. Come on. Team bonding time.”

Y/N laughed, letting him pull her up and drag her out of the room. He looked at her over his shoulder, his breath catching in her throat at the way her face lit up from her grin. Turning back quickly, he hoped she didn’t notice the way his ears turned pink. He was an idiot for not taking the time to get to know her. He wasn’t going to ruin his chance with her a second time. Maybe it wasn’t going to easy, but for Y/N he knew it would be worth it.

Perma Tag: (CLOSED)

@dolphinpink310 / @breezy1415 / @hymnofthevalkyrie / @sebbyismyking / @vivideley / @cherrynat / @heelsandfaces / @lovely-geek / @libbymouse / @the-crime-fighting-spider / @dkpink123 / @moderapoppins / @chuckennuggets1213 / @jack4xx / @witchymarvelspacecase / @xxxunluvablexxx / @mannatgalhotra / @kingslaxerpark / @xxashy999xx / @silver-starburst / @cartersbarnes / @thinkwritexpress-official / @feelmyroarrrr/  @m-a-t-91 /  @pizzarollpatrol /  @sea040561 /  @thefridgeismybestie /  @sergeantjbuckybarnes /  @jasura /  @palaiasaurus64 /  @teller258316 /  @disagreetoagree /  @lazinessisalliknow / @palaiasaurus64 / @bfuckjames / @sxdapxpcutis / @doraola / @kkaos15 / @tylerrose931617 / @mummy-woves-you / @claraoswinns / @buckybarneshairpullingkink / @delicatelyherdreams / @thisismysecrethappyplace / @dsakita / @look-to-the-stars-and-wish / @tomhollandtrashtm / @delicatelyherdreams / @cuddle-me-muke / @joyfulzipperpersoneclipse / @lisadickenson / @revenqers  / @dannydelay / @musicgirl234 / @iamwarrenspeace / @breathlesspeter / @thebunkerofatlas / @geeksareunique / @ravennightingaleandavatempus / @mcdesij / @unlikelygalaxygiver / @tranquility-or-chaos / @bandbooktvaddict / @mywinterwolf / @piensa-bonito / @nevernotfangirling / @cutie1365 / @harryngtonewithyourshit / @slytherinqueenie / @famouslastlove / @riseandshibe / @blizzbx / @electra-hxart / @lianadelphius / @steebrogurz / @foundthezucchini / @bi-bi-bi-bisexualz /  @whileinparis / @for-the-love-of-the-fandom / @delva-stardust /

(Let me know if I missed you, the strike means I can’t tag you for some reason.)

Steve Tag: (Open)

@biologik / @screamimalive / @ahsokastarwars / @bucky-smiles / @robfangirl /

(Let me know if I missed you, the strike means I can’t tag you for some reason.)

[revol-lover]

dreams don’t end at “30″

so i just had a little breakthrough and maybe this wont sound like anything to anyone else but i just have to share it

so i’ve talked about this before. about how my friend and i were both planning these personal development like goals for this year that covid got in the way of. and he said something, about how this is his last year in his 20s and he wanted to get some goals accomplished before 30 

and i thought about that and realized something.

i have been feeling similarly about a few goals that i’ve been hanging onto for years and years. like i’m going to be honest with you, some people might remember this if you’ve been around here for a long time but probably not. anyway when i was in high school i really wanted to make music, sing, learn an instrument. and i did make some covers that i posted on myspace (showing my age here lol) and youtube but then i kind of gave up on it when

 1) became 18 and realized my dream to go to NYC and pursue music when i was 18 wasn’t happening because of a million reasons (it was very much a pipe dream, right? i mean you can’t have that dream and not prepare for it and i didnt. also i was too scared at the time to even move out to my own place if i had the funds to do so because my parents wouldnt have really approved and i was still so under their thumb) 

2) broke up with my musician boyfriend. which needed to happen. but he was the only person super passionate about that kind of goal at the time around me (till he ran lol)  and he actually is still doing music now so good for him but basically 

because of those 2 reasons i just let go of that dream all together as something i thought i wanted to do but was “unrealistic”.

but the thing about turning 30 and feelings like you needed to achieve all these personal/dreamy/goals in your 20s. what is that bullshit? why? 

what changes when you cross over to 30? i’ll tell you one thing. media pushes movies, books, films, everything about people chasing their dreams in their 20s and “settling” down in their 30s. where’s my inspiring movie about the 32 year old mom who finally wrote a song and performed it live after being terrified her whole life of doing so?

 think about it though

in your 30s you. *might* have a better paying job than you did in your 20s. which means, if you can manage to find time or a way for it, you *might* be able to save a little more money or afford to do something like, buy that guitar and guitar lessons in order to learn to play and write a song and live out your dream in some way, even if its just learning to play so you can play at an open mic. and maybe you’ll like that and you’ll somehow connect with likeminded people and form a band. idk. your dreams dont have to end in your 20s. 

you dont have to fall into the trap of your 20s are for your dreams that are so big you feel like the chance of achieving them is getting struck by lightening

and then your 30s are for fancy adult goals like buying a house, and going on a $10k vacation and those things are probably just as hard as the goals you had in your 20s but the world wont make you see it that way. its seen as “selfish” to prioritize and budget for your artistic goals - but not a house. no that’s responsible and what you “should” do. but its ok to prioritize something that’s going to give your soul fulfillment too! we need to believe that! because it’s true. we are not here just to work our jobs and live mundane colorless lives once we aren’t considered “young” anymore (but 30s are still young. not what i’m saying)

 you’re always going to be chasing something big and if you let the world control what that thing is you’re always going to be on some rat race. 

it’s fine if you achieve your goals in a different order than the world says you were supposed to. i got married young and had a child young, that was how my life played out and i’m happy with that because, yes, finding love and becoming a mother very much were goals of mine.

yes i dropped out of college because i couldn’t afford it and i couldnt find a major that felt worth being in debt for. and also, because hey guess what? contrary to what a lot of people will try to lead you to believe, college is not for everyone. and college does not = success. college drop out does not = failure. it’s just an option of something you could do with your life. AND if you didn’t go to your college in your 20s it doesnt mean you can’t in your 30s. or 50s. hell my husband, who did go to college saw elderly (think, 80s!) people going to his college as students! college isn’t just for 18 year olds fresh out of high school. 

My 27th birthday is in 2 weeks and no, i have not yet to worked up the courage to write an original song from words to music, or have the courage to get on a stage and sing anything, or talk to a stranger, or publish any of my writing or art, goals i’ve had whirling around in my brain since I was 18, but, it’s going to happen. maybe this year. maybe when i’m 35, but it’s going to happen. a number is not going to be the thing holding me back.

that whole mentality of “my youth is slipping away i need to achieve all these dreams before midnight the day of my 30th birthday” is so stupid and flawed and we all deserve to see ourselves, and our individual potential as more than that. 

last part of this rant - one of the reason i even became so passionate about reignighting some of my dusty, old goals, that it turned out, i still cared about, is because i had a moment where i was like

ok i am a mom. i am someones mom. how will my daughter see me, as a person, not just her mom? 

kevin and i always talk about how between the two of us we’ve both had a lot of quintessential young adult experiences that we look forward to sharing with her. like, quitting jobs, getting in car accidents, that one time i unknowingly participated in an illegal bonfire and ran from the cops then lied straight to their faces and somehow got away with it (literally my ONE act of teen rebellion), changing college majors like 3 years in (kevin), failed classes, tried cigarettes, etc like i’m ready, and hope that one day she will feel comfortable talking to us about things because we’ve been through things and have a lot of input and two different perspectives to offer

but further than that, i realized that i want her to know that her mom is a person too. i want her to know that mom is also passionate about writing, and music, and somehow tackled some of her goals in regards to that so that SHE can feel that SHE, too can do those things. and i know that, that is in part how it works 

because,

my dad IS an artist. my dad IS a musician. yall. my dad is SO talented.  my dad is brilliant. besides his artistic abilities which include, drawing literal realistic as fuck portraits, sculpting, painting, playing guitar, bass, piano, mandolin, he also knows music composition, etc etc etc beyond all of that, he also taught himself fucking PLUMBING and ELECTRICIAN SHIT to fix things in our house growing up. like he bought a book. and taught himself. my dad. i grew up thinking that was normal but i realized not everyones dad can just tear down the bathroom and rebuild it from scratch down to the plumbing without being a licensed professional.

but anyway the point is - as talented as my dad is, he doesnt really pursue his artistic dreams much. and its sad. i’m glad that i’ve seen some of the work he did when he was younger. i’m glad that if i bring it up, he’ll show me something he can do. but he doesnt pursue it anymore really. my dad works an exhausting physical labor job but even he, as a 50something year old has fallen into that trap of like, i dont have time to draw, but he will scroll his phone and read articles for hours and i’m not shaming him. i’m just saying we all have this problem in the modern era of technology and social media and what not (hell i am writing a post on tumblr instead of my book right now).

but if timing was different and my dad grew up in a different time, where lets say something distracted him from doing the little bit of art and music that he did when i was a kid that i was able to witness, if i hadnt seen that. i wouldnt know that.. in a way.. that’s in me. i mean, he’s my dad. if my dad could pick up a craft and work at it to be good at it, why can’t i? there are so many musicians and (kind unrelated but not rly - i think being “self made” is an art) business owners in my family. there’s either some common thread in our genetics ORRRRRRRRRR just growing up around people working at and succeeding at those kinds of goals shows you that it CAN be done so you’re more likely to believe in your abilities

and i want that for my daughter. because even as an almost 3 year old i can see that she has a gift for music, and reading. and even if i’m wrong about that and she grows up wanting to do some other thing as a job or hobby, i want her to know, by seeing her mom do it, that she can achieve anything she puts her heart to. you don’t have to box yourself in because of your age or your sex or the fact that you’re a parent. 

and your dream doesnt have to become your career. it can be a hobby and still be fulfilling. like yes, 18 year old me dreamed about some life in nyc singing in clubs or bars or whatever and being ~famous (lol) and that did not happen, but i can still get out there and play open mic downtown and get that love of music, and desire to face my fear of performing out of my system. maybe i’ll love it. maybe i’ll hate it. but i’ll have done it. and that’s the ultimate goal. 

sorry i went off but i had to get that out of my system and i’m very passionate about 

[certifiedskywalker]

One Week - Peter Parker

The six times Peter Parker realized he was falling for you and the one time he did something about it.

Monday.

“So who studied for this test over the weekend?” Your voice, and the sound of your book bag slamming against his desk, jolted Peter from his day dreaming. Looking up he met your gaze and noted how your smile seemed to reach the corners of your eyes. He wished that you smiled like that all the time. He always thought you looked stunning, but when you smiled….you were absolutely breathtaking. To the point where Peter would become speechless.

“I sure didn’t!” Ned chimed in, helping Peter refocus. You nodded at Ned, explaining that you were in the same boat. Peter took the time to catch up with himself; but you were so distracting. Was it something different you wore or was it just that smile of yours? He tried to swallow the feeling that rose up in his throat.

“I don’t think anyone did,” you agreed, then glanced back to Peter. “Except Mr. Smarty-Pants here, of course.” You reached over and ruffled Peter’s curly hair. He let out a breathy laugh, hoping that it masked the pounding of his heart in his chest.

“I-I did, actually. I can give you the rundown if you want?” You smiled at him again, a new glimmer in your eyes, and the same tickling sensation swarmed in Peter’s chest once more. It was your smile.

“It’s alright, thank you though, Pete.” He opened his mouth to protest, offer his time up again. He wanted you to take his time. Peter found himself missing those days where Aunt May would pick you both up from school for play dates. Playground meetings turned to study gatherings as you grew and they felt so rare now. Ever since he had adopted the mantle of Spiderman, Peter felt more and more empty as he spent less of his time with you. It felt, like every time you were with him, he was left yearning for more.

“Y/N, do you maybe want to-” Before he could finish the bell rang, signalling the start of class.

“Good luck, fellas,” you said as you made your way to your own desk. Peter let the words die on his lips as you walked away. Ned watched as his friend’s shoulders fell. He clapped Peter on the shoulder.

“You nervous?” Peter gave his friend a quick glance before letting his gaze fall to you.

“You could say that, yeah.”

Tuesday.

“Peter?” The sound of his name falling from your lips sent shivers down his spine. Even over the booming beat and bassy notes that filled the living room, Peter could pick out your voice with ease. As if he had been finely tuned just for you. Turning, he drank in your visage.

“Hey, Y/N,” he breathed out, smiling at you shyly. You looked like what Peter could only describe as perfection. His eyes scanned up and down your form, wishing that you had come to the party with him. He loved Ned, really, but it was you. It was always going to be you.

“What are you doing here? You’re not a party person!” You wrapped your arms around Peter’s neck, pulling him in for a hug. His arms curled around your torso and he held you in such a way where he could feel your heart beating within your rib cage. He savored the smell of your body wash until you pulled away and he forced himself out of the haze.

“It was Ned’s idea,” Peter explained, gesturing to the boy dancing, or trying to, with a larger group of people. “He told me you were here so…”

“Aw, you came here for me?” A bright blush rose to Peter’s cheeks and he was grateful for the multicolored, flashing lights that hid it from your sight. “How sweet.” He bit his bottom lip and looked down at his shoes. When had just talking to you become so hard?

“Y-Yeah,” he started, but the threat of bile in his throat hindered him from speaking further. You stood before him, waiting for more from him. He scratched the back of his head, trying to summon any type of courage. At first he had thought it was just hormones. High schoolers are basically controlled by their hormones, he had learned that in Health class. This would pass; at least that was what he first thought.

But now, with the way you were looking at him, he knew that this was no passing feeling. He wanted you, he needed you in ways he couldn’t convey. He didn’t want to be your friend, not anymore. He wanted to kiss you, hold you; but there was that wall. The fear that blocked him from you.

“Well, let’s not just stand here!” Before he could question what you meant, Peter felt your hand grab his and begin to pull him after you. The music grew louder with each step and it took all he had not to run away. “C’mon, Pete,” you said, almost sensing his apprehension.

Soon enough, he was standing in front of you again with bodies twisting around the two of you. Your hands still held his and you began to guide his movement. Turning, spinning like his very world, you danced around him. Giggles escaped your throat and Peter wondered if you were laughing at his expression or if you were taunting his heart with the melody of your voice.

Soon, Peter started to move too. Without rhythm, but with you to guide him, he moved. If he closed his eyes, blocked out the hollers of the other around him, Peter could pretend it was just you. Just you and him, like how it was when he dreamed. Just like how he wished it could be.

Then the music slowed, the heavy beat turned into the soft strumming of a guitar. You slowed your movements and let go of Peter’s hand. He yearned to feel it’s warmth again. Peter dared to reach out, his fingers just skimming your forearm. You turned back to him, your eyes sparkling like stars in darkened skies.

“Y/N, I, do you-” Suddenly, you were plucked away from him. Your face turned away to look at whomever pulled you to the side. Peter had seen his face before at school. He had seen him undress you with his eyes and Peter had felt anger towards him. He wanted to save you, but as the music carried on, so did you. You were dancing and it wasn’t with him.

Sadly, Peter walked off of the dance floor. His brow was furrowed as he strode towards the door. As he walked out of the party, he mentally cursed Ned. This was a bad idea. As Peter Parker walked out into the night, Ned watched his friend’s heart fall away.

Wednesday.

People were still recovering from the party Tuesday night. Flash complained of a migraine while MJ mocked those who wore the same clothes from last night to school that morning. Their words fell weakly off of Peter’s numbed shoulders. Anytime Ned wooted and referenced the party, Peter would grumble. It wasn’t until you showed up during lunch that Peter’s demeanor changed altogether.

“Hiya, guys,” you said, taking the empty seat beside Peter. Immediately, he felt the warmth of your body against his arm. “You all have fun last night?” Your question was met with cheer and grunts alike, but Peter just stared at you. People began to reminisce again about the dancing and food. You had fallen silent, suddenly leaning against Peter’s shoulder.

“You okay?” He asked in the hopes of distracting you from the way his breathing had shallowed. You were so close to him now, your head resting on his shoulder and your arm curled around his own. Moving against him slightly, just enough to look into his eyes.

“How are you not exhausted?” Peter let out a small, nervous laugh.

“I-I left early,” he said, just loud enough for you to hear, “after we danced.” You cocked your head, your chin digging into his shoulder a bit.

“Really? You should have stayed. You were a far superior dance partner.”

“Oh-h, sorry. I just figured that the other guy-” A shout caught your attention, drawing it back to the whole of the table. A heavy sigh fell from Peter’s lips as he was cut off once again. It seemed to be a reoccurring thing whenever he tried to talk to you now. He figured it was just his own nerves and continued to watch you. You began to speak to everyone, but you body remained against his. You were so relaxed in this tired state.

Peter found himself lost in features. The fluttering of your lashes to the curve of your lips. He dreamed of a day similar to the current one, where you were still tired. You were sleepy, leaning against him, laughing with him. The tender imagined image in his head lulled him into a false sense of comfort. Feeling an overwhelming wave of contentment, Peter allowed himself a touch. With you head still on his shoulder, he rested his head atop of yours.

You shifted against him, but surprised Peter when you didn’t pull away. Glancing around, Peter saw that MJ had raised her eyebrow at the display and that Ned’s eyes had widened slightly. He felt self-conscious under their gazes, his knee began to bounce beneath the table wildly. Before his cowardice grew further and he pulled away, he felt your hand rest against his leg.

“What is it?” Your voice was quiet, soothing. Peter lifted his head and saw that your eyes were filled with concern. In that moment, he could have swore that his heart had burst inside his chest. You glowed it seemed, with your head cocked to the side as you studied his face.

“Uh, nothing,” Peter said quickly. He turned his face away from you then, anxiously looking towards the clock in the cafeteria. Despite his dismissal, your hand remained on his leg for the rest of lunch. The burning in Peter’s cheeks went unnoticed by you but, with a glance at his friends, Peter knew that they had seen it.

Thursday.

“Hey, Aunt May!” You cheered as Peter pushed the door to the apartment open. You rushed inside and ran to Aunt May’s open arms. Peter smiled at the scene, closing the door with his foot as he stepped inside.

“Y/N! It’s been too long! I hope you’re staying for dinner! We’re ordering out tonight!” Peter furrowed his brows, turning his gaze towards the kitchen. Pots were loaded up in the sink and a pungent odor wafted to his nose.

“The recipe didn’t turn out?” He asked his aunt as you pulled away from her embrace. She let out a huff, causing you laugh lightly. Peter’s eyes drifted to you the moment the sound reached his ears.

“Rachel Ray is overrated anyway,” Aunt May mused, “you kids get to studying. I’ll order the takeout.” Peter nodded and grabbed the bag you had left on the floor. “Y/N, we’re ordering from the place on Marvin Avenue, you know, that small place. You want the usual?”

“Yes, please!” You said, following Peter into his room. He smiled at the fact you were so comfortable with Aunt May, his family. As you both settled in his room, you turned to Peter, that same smile on your face. The one that haunts his thoughts constantly.

“What?” He asked, smiling up at you from his spot on his desk chair.

“She’s right,” you said, “it’s been too long since I've been here. I’ve missed home.” Peter felt his jaw drop slightly, causing him to turn away to compose himself. When he turned back to face you, you were already near his bed and thumbing through the fantasy novel on his nightstand.

“It has,” he agreed and he heard a hum escape you in response. You spun on your heels, still smiling but now facing him again. While you were only a few paces away, merely a leap across his bedroom floor, Peter felt like you were so out of reach. Yet you were right there, standing before him in all your glory.

“P-Peter?” Your voice was shaky when to asked for him, drawing your eyes to the floor for a brief moment before looking at him once more.

“Y-Yeah?” Peter asked, standing up. His heart was beating wildly in his chest. This was it. He was done for, and if not, he would make it so. There was a long pause after his question. You licked your bottom lip, a habit Peter had noticed you do when you’re thinking, and then shook your head.

“Nevermind, we should start studying before it gets too late.” You walked over to the desk and rummaged through your bag, pulling out the book you would be needing. Peter watched on, his whole body thrumming in anticipation. He needed to make a move, he wanted to. Especially now that MJ and Ned were texting him nonstop, pestering him with questions that he only wanted your answers to. Did you love him like he loves you?

“Y/N, there’s something I need to tell you.” You turned to met his hazel eyes and Peter noticed how your stance had changed.

“What is it?” You asked, leaning towards him slightly. Peter felt his resolve shaking. C’mon dude, you’re Spiderman, just do it, he thought to himself. He took a step closer, so close that your faces were a few inches apart. He saw your eyes dart from his to his lips and Peter tried his best to suppress the rush he got from that small tick. “Peter?”

His name again, in your voice; it sounded like a song. His favorite song. Even when you were both young, whenever you called out to him, a smile like the one on his lips in that very moment would decorate his features. Who knew that you both would have ended up here?

“I wanted to tell you that-”

“Y/N! They’re out of your usual order! Is there something else you want?” Aunt May pushed open Peter’s door, her cell phone pressed against her ear. Her eyes widened slightly when she noticed how close the two of you were and Peter turned to hide his blush. “Am I-”

“I’ll have whatever you’re having then, May,” you replied smoothly. Peter, with his outstretched senses could hear the fast-paced beating of your heart. Had he scared you?

“Alrighty then,” May said before leaving his room. He glanced at her nephew one last time before disappearing behind the door. Peter now stood a pace or two away from you, his eyes glued to the floor. Perhaps now wasn’t the time. Maybe there would never be a time.

“What did you want to tell me Peter?” He turned at your question, his eyes meeting yours before he shook his head the same way you had.

“I-I, uh, I forgot. It’s okay, I’ll tell you if I remember later.” He reached out towards his desk and grabbed the books. He settled, crossed legged on the floor and looked up at you expectantly. “Study time?”

You smiled at him again and, damn it, he felt the ache in his heart return. “Heck yeah! Let’s do this!”

Friday.

“So let me get this straight,” MJ sighed, pinch the bridge of her nose, “Y/N came over to your place and you didn’t spill the beans?!” Peter nodded and MJ let out a groan. Ned sighed and shook his head at Peter.

“Dude, you’re gonna regret that!”

“I know, Ned, but I just….it left like, if I did tell Y/N, everything would change.” MJ glared at Peter as he spoke.

“Isn’t that kind of the point?” Peter’s brow furrowed and she continued, “you are friends with Y/N right now, but you want to be more, right?” Peter nodded. “Then things are going to have to change, Parker! I thought you were smart!”

“I know that,” Peter said, raising his hands in the air, “but I don’t want to, I don’t want to lose Y/N. I’m scared that if I say what I want to say that…”

“Pete,” Ned said, resting a hand on his friend’s shoulder, “Y/N would never stop hanging out with you. You’re like, best friends, more than you and I! You’ve known each other since grade school, right?” Peter nodded and MJ let out another sigh.

“Don’t worry about it, okay? You’ll be fine, Y/N will be fine, you’ll date and live happy ever after!” She waved her arms to emphasize the joy of it all but Peter frowned.

“Then why do you sound sarcastic?”

“It’s just the way I sound.” Peter raised an eyebrow at her and MJ sighed, looking around the room. Her eyes widened suddenly and Peter glanced in the direction she was facing. “Peter, don’t….”

It was too late. He was already looking. You were leaning a shoulder against the wall, talking with the guy from the party. He must’ve said something funny because you threw your head back, laughing in the way Peter wished he could play on repeat. The two of you continued talking and Peter turned back, his eyes diverted towards the surface of the table.

“That doesn’t mean anything,” Ned said quickly, “they’re just talking!” Peter nodded, but his face betrayed him. Y/N was amazing, that guy would be stupid not to make a move.

“You’re right, MJ,” Peter said, standing from his spot, “I’m not that smart after all.” As he moved away from the table, he spared one last glance over his shoulder. You looked beautiful, even if you weren’t right next to him. He would just have to get used to feeling this way.

Saturday.

“Peter?” Aunt May’s voice sounded from behind the locked door of Peter’s bedroom. Rolling to the side of the bed, Peter’s eyes fell on the door. “Peter, can you open this up please? You’ve been in here all morning?”

Begrudgingly, Peter reached for his web shooter. Once it was on his wrist, he shot it towards the door. The webs spread across the brass handle and pulled, undoing the lock on the door. The web fell slack and Peter threw the mechanism to the side.

“It’s open now,” Peter grumbled, turning in his bed again. He heard the door creak open and the soft foot falls of Aunt May’s feet against the floor. Closing his eyes, Peter tried to block the thoughts of you out of his mind so he could hide from his aunt’s, undoubtedly, pestering amount of questions. As he felt the side of his mattress dip under Aunt’s May’s weight, Peter opened his eyes.

“Are you feelin’ alright?” Before he could respond, Aunt May pressed the back of her hand to Peter’s forehead.

“Aunt May,” Peter groaned, “I’m not sick.”

“Then why are you all bundled up in here? I’m sure Ned and Y/N are free.” Peter stayed silent and she nudged him, “C’mon, it’s the weekend.”

“Jus’ not feeling’ it today,” Peter lied. He had been ‘feelin’ it’ all week, and that was his problem. Aunt May sighed and made a ‘tsk’ sound with her tongue.

“You know, it’s like an Aunt superpower; detecting falsehoods.”

“Falsehoods?” Peter questioned, the slightest of smile gracing his lips.

“I can say ‘falsehoods’! It’s a fair use word!” Peter let out a weak chuckle, which only seemed to deepen the creases in his aunt’s face. “Now, what’s really the matter?”

“It’s….It’s Y/N,” Peter began, “I...think I….”

“You love Y/N?” The words that Peter had been trying to voice over the past five to six days flew from his aunt’s lips without a problem. How could it be that easy? Could it truly be that simple?

“Y-Yeah,” Peter stuttered, “I think….yeah, I do.” Aunt May smiled at him, as the weight that had been dragging Peter down finally dissipated. “I just don’t know how to say it.”

“Y/N doesn’t know then, I take it?” Peter nodded his head and Aunt May merely smiled. “Peter Benjamin Parker,” she ran her fingers through her nephew’s hair in a motherly gesture, “you are the bravest young man I know. You’re the smartest and sweetest on top of that.”

“Aunt May,” Peter mumbled, his face burning slightly.

“Y/N sees that, trust me. Those study dates you two have, I can feel it.” She leaned down a pressed a quick kiss to Peter’s forehead. “I love you, Peter.”

“Love you too, May,” Peter said, scooting up so he could hug his aunt. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” she hummed, smiling down at him. “Just practice safe sex.”

“Aunt May!”

Sunday.

Peter’s feet landed softly on the fire escape outside the window of apartment J17. It was like greeting an old friend as he tapping on the glass. It had been ages since he had done this. Showing up unexpected at your window was a rare treat now that he was Spiderman.

His heart pounded as he waited beside your window. He hoped you were home, that you weren’t with someone else. Peter swallowed his fear, trying his best to calm himself down. His shaking hand lifted once more to rap his knuckles against the glass again. He shifted on his feet, waiting nervously.

Soon the curtains parted and Peter was greeted by your wonderful smile. Pulling the window up, you leaned outside. The breeze that soared through Queens messed with your hair just as it did with Peter’s. In the sunlight, you seemed to glow before him.

“Peter? What are you doing here?” You clambered through the window, meeting him on your fire escape ledge. Carefully, you balance yourself but you leaned to the side awkwardly. Peter grabbed your forearms to steady you, smiling at you brightly.

“I just wanted to see you, is that a crime?”

“No,” you laughed, gripping his arms tightly, “you just surprised me. I haven’t heard from you since Thursday night.”

“Y-Yeah, about that...I was thinking about it. About what I wanted to tell you.”

“You remember it now?” Peter let out a breathy chuckle and shook his head.

“I never actually forgot,” he admitted. Your brows knitted together and Peter smiled sheepishly. He could feel his heart hammering within his rib cage. “I just…”

“Peter,” you said calmly, raising a hand to brush against his face. His mouth fell open slightly at the contact, his eyes searching yours. Your eyes scanned his and Peter felt a rush of affection flood his heart. Now.

“Y/N,” he paused once more, before shaking his head. He would not let fear control him anymore. “I love you. I’ve been trying to tell you all week and I-”

“Peter, just shut up and kiss me,” you interrupted. It was the first time all week that Peter Parker was happy to be cut off. Letting out a chuckle and pressed forward, capturing his lips with yours. He could feel you smile into the kiss and he felt himself do the same. Your hands shifted, tangling themselves in his chestnut curls.

Suddenly, you began to laugh. Peter pulled away from you, resting his hands on your waist to hold you closer to him. You managed to calm yourself slightly, resting your forehead against Peter’s. You were so warm that Peter almost didn’t want to ask.

“Why are you laughing?” “You were trying all week?”

[seungyovn]

How and why did you come out?

i slept on this ask, debating if i wanted to answer it or not.

but i’ve had some coffee and time to process and i feel comfortable sharing it. so this is going to be v long and i am going to put it under a read more. 

but just a warning, there is a massive amount of homophobia and transphobia and just terribleness in general. so please take caution before reading.

alright, so i grew up in a typical white chicago suburb. people think illinois is a democratic state but that is literally just because of the city of chicago. if chicago didnt exist, the state would be read. not to mention the fact that my dad is very conservative politically and my mother was raised in the deep red neck south (her family claims the term and are very proud of their terrible colonist slave owner history. gross i know).

my dad never really made homophobic remarks, at least from what i remember. but it was my mother who would always make a snide comment here or there. and when i was a junior/senior in high school, i befriended a v feminine gay man who worked at the ulta in my hometown. and she would make these homophobic remarks and i would be like uhhhh what about anthony? and she would always go “well he is the exception” and ya know that didn’t make me feel great. 

but even before that, i realized when i was 15 that i was attracted to women. i remember standing in study hall and looking at my best friend smiling at me and my heart started to pound in my chest. and i knew immediately what that meant and i was just like oh fuck, no no no this can’t be happening. 

so i suppressed it. i ignored my growing feelings for women and people who didn’t identify as male or female for a very long time. yet online, i was seeking lgbtq communities and friends. i never posted in them. but i read them. i didn’t really understand why i kept being drawn to that side of the internet until very much later. 

so fast forward to when i was in college. i met my first long-term boyfriend and we dated from when i was 18 to 21. our relationship ended for a lot of reasons. but one of the biggest ones was when i realized that i could no longer hide who i was or who i was attracted to. and i was going to india to study abroad so i just wanted a clean break. i wanted to leave the country and to start over when i came back. 

that trip happened in nov/dec. but it took me until feb to start coming out. i remember sitting on the couch at my mom’s house the day after my birthday and writing up a long text message that i sent to three of my closest friends. i was fucking terrified. i was scared. i knew those people were amazing so i didnt have to worry that much, but it was still exhausting. it was one of the most hidden secrets i’ve ever had and i just remember lying to my mom about why i was crying when my friends sent me back messages of love. 

so after those three friends, i slowly started coming out to everyone around me. my friends at school. my classmates. people i trusted. they were all respectful and knew that i wasnt out to my mother and probably never would be. so they respected my privacy and never posted images of me on social media or tagged me in things that could out me. 

fast forward again to june. i was moving out of the dorms at my uni to my first apartment in chicago. i had been lucky enough to have a job that allowed me to afford rent and i was kind of financially stable, but not enough to actually survive. 

i had gone home to get furniture for my apartment and to get some things from my childhood home. my mom took me to dinner and we were sitting in the diner and she started hounding me with questions about my roommates. asking me if they were gay because they both had short hair. and then she looked at me and asked me if i was gay (she would do this when i didnt show interest in dating). 

and normally i was very quick to deny it. and i would always shoot her down. but this time i was just so fucking exhausted and i felt like i was backed into a corner. so for the first time i couldnt answer her right away. i stuttered. and i dont really remember what exactly i said, but my mother flipped out. she ordered our food to go. stormed out of the diner. and lost her shit on me in the car. 

i stayed the night because at this point i was literally trapped. and she kept going back and forth with apologizing and verbally abusing me. saying how i just want to fit in with my friends. and that i just want my friends to think i am cool and all this other bullshit. 

so i finally get back to my apartment and its ironically chicago pride weekend. so i spend the weekend going to dyke march, parties, going to the parade. surrounding myself with the love and support of my friends. i didnt know at the time but my mother had found my tumblr, my instagram and other forms of social media and had made profiles to stalk me and keep track of me. 

and when she saw i was going to pride she decided that she would out me to everyone. she sent mass emails. texts. facebook statuses. she did everything in her power to humiliate me. all at the same time sending me horrible text messages and e-mails about how she wishes her brain cysts had killed her. how she would rather have cancer than have me as her child. she wished that i got aids from the “orgies” i would be having (i had had one sexual partner at the time). she went after my friends who werent cis. calling them perverts and insane. and that they had all brainwashed me into being this way.

and i was a fucking mess. i cut off all communication. she cut me off financially. my life was in fucking pieces. 

but i had an amazing support system. i had friends that loved me. and helped me. took care of me when i could barely take care of myself. i got to work and couldnt stop fucking sobbing and my manager pulled me aside and asked me what was wrong and i told him. and he just hugged me in the back for like 10 minutes. and told me it was going to be okay. and sent me home to rest.

and if it wasnt for them, i know i wouldnt have survived it. i eventually cut off all contact with my mom and the last time i saw her in person was 2 years later when i went home for a night to get the rest of my stuff.

my dad and i have had a difficult relationship for a lot of reasons, but he and i have been slowly mending our relationship. and he has never said anything to my face about not approving of how i love. my step mom is openly supportive and her nephew is gay and loves him to pieces. so at least i have that to hold onto. 

but yeah, my coming out process wasnt fun. a lot of it was taken away from me. but i will spare some of those details. 

this is really long so if you read this whole thing, damn.

[drfeelgood-21]

The past 5 Years...

I feel like some of you should know where i have been these last 5 horrid years, and it took me a long time to actually come to terms with writing this post. But here we go      Back in 2013 i joined Tumblr,made friends, made posts, and learned about some amazing music. MY journey for Metal had just begun. Fast forward 2 years, Im now running a successful metal/rock blog with a side of whatever the fuck i like. I had many friends that i would chat with on the daily through Snap,Facebook, and kik. I was there for many of you as you were there for me. I graduated High school and had a job. I was going into College. My hometown Uni that I always dreamed of going to. I was excited and this sets forth the downfall of my life... Part 2: 2016 hits, Im still getting over the emotions of The Force Awakens (Star Wars FTW) Type O Negative grew on me hard, and i started a smoking addiction to cigars. My energy drink addiction mixed in with that. Full time college and a full time job were hell but i managed. My grades were great, the financial stress wasnt. I was Paying for Uni out of pocket and it lead to some hard times. May came along and well I found myself a girlfriend who ended up cheating on me. I partied hard with friends, got drunk, did some insane shit and even hosted a party with my bestfriend Scott that got over 200 people to show up.  The end of Summer approached and I found this bright eyed beautil woman named Natasha. I fell hard. The only issue was, i was her Manager and i told myself to not do it. Luckily for me i was already applying for new jobs and was picked up by a huge branded Franchise company so we started dating.....Little did i know at the time i was helping her cheat. Little did i know this was her game. We spent the next two years “In Love” by this it was a blind game of abuse and manipulation. She scarred me so bad that i thought i was a narcissistic asshole. She found out about my use of tumblr and made me delete it and take off every single friend of mine from here. One night she slapped my face to awaken me and ask who Emily was ( a friend from tumblr long ago) She was jealous of a message i had sent Emily back in 2015 ( this ould be a good time to mention its January 2017)   I didnt see abuse at all. I could only see me trying better every day for her, but she was never happy. She constantly needed sex, constantly needed love, amd had trouble not being with me. At the time i of course enjoyed it because i thought it was love. I ended up getting an apartment with her late 2017.. We lived together till June 2018....I broke up with her She cost me the following -Best friendship with Scott -Friendship with anyone i talked to on social media ( Alot of you) -My college career -She spiked my depression - Made me feel like i should kill myself -Connection with family members - Trust -Connection with others I know that this post will probably summon that anon that hit right after the break up but just Fuck off.    I was angry ,depressed, and really fucking suicidal, I got injured at work and couldnt move for 2 weeks. (Dislocated my knee) But when i got back to work, i got a message from an old friend who just used me for sex,  so that happened.. 2018 sucked except for starting to branch out into the local clubs. 2019 Though....That was the year of rebuild. Worked my ass off at work and on myself. Figured out a lot of stuff, made New Amazing friends. Started back up old friendships and got my own Duplex so life in 2019 wasnt bad but i will admit i was drinking through a lot of it. 2020 had a slow start. But in the end of January this one girl approached my friend group and asked if she could dance with us. Of course i said, and we actually spent the rest of the night all together and she attached herself to my best friend Amber.  We spent at least an hour talking about Emo bands and style, until she got picked up by a friend.     I had her snap though and decided to message her the next day and tell her it was great to meet you we should hang out again soon. I was Nervous, i hadnt done something like this for four years... When she said yes to hanging out again my heart skipped, It wasnt officially a date but it was interest. We hung out a couple more times and i know i told her i liked her the second time, but i started liking her when she said “ you’re making me break my stoic reputation”     February 1st the morning after we went out again, i asked her to be mine...It was fast but i really hadnt felt this way since 4 years ago....One things for sure though..every time im with her the feeling grows stronger even though i did shut myself down. Its jsut scary how comfortable i am around her because i feel so vulnerable and i dont know if its just me getting my trust back, but I do know that im in love with her. Shes beautiful in so many ways and helps me rediscover who i am..what I stand for. I wanted to tell her that i love her after a nice actual dinner date...I had it planned.. But this Covid bullshit made me rush it. I had to tell her before she visited her parents back home.... little did we know at the time that she would be back home sooner than expected. I was at work when her dad surprisingly picked her up and made her move back home to Quarantine from this fucking virus. I sure as hell felt numb reading the letter she left me.  These are weird and hard times, and its sucked this past week. I cant get my mind to shut off, im stressed, i go to work,  i take care of family. Im Feeling drained and exhausted, but one thought of her and it all goes away.. I miss her. I just want to see her and hold her. Today was probably the worst day ive had in a long time....Im not doing well but im back Tumblr , to all whom even care anymore. Thanks for sticking around

[supergirlfics]

A/N: This was so frustrating because I’d work on it and and then it would just disappear! Multiple times! I guess this is what happens when you write directly onto tumblr and don’t use a backup of any kind . . . oh well, onward and upward. Hope you like the story!

Eliza was outside waiting for Kara and Alex the moment they arrived. As soon as they stepped out of the car, she spread her arms wide, giving them each a hug. “Girls! I’ve missed you so much!”

“We’ve missed you, too,” Alex said.

“Where’s Y/N?” Kara asked, peering past Eliza. You were usually the first to greet them.

“She was supposed to come out and help you with your bags, but I suppose she couldn’t peel herself away from her book.”

“New novel?” Kara asked.

“Textbook.”

Alex and Kara exchanged a look before Kara finally said, “That’s okay. I’ll take the bags. We can catch up with Y/N inside.”

By the time Alex and Eliza had reached the front door, Kara had already grabbed both bags, taken them upstairs to the bedroom, and made back down to the living room. Super Speed. Or, as Alex liked to call it, Super Show-Off.

You sat on the couch. Four open textbooks, and what seemed to be a million sheets of paper lay on the coffee table in front of you. Your nose was buried in a page, your hands covered in pen ink, and notes scribbled in every empty space.

“Hey. What’s up?” Kara asked.

You jumped, not having noticed your sister until right then. You spun around to snap at whoever was hovering over you, but you realized who it was just in time. “Kara!” You leaped off the couch, tackling your big sister in a hug. “I’m so sorry! I didn’t notice you.”

“That’s obvious,” Alex said as she strode through the room to join you two. “Hey kid.”

“Alex!” You tackled her even more excitedly than you had Kara, jumping into her arms and wrapping your legs around her waist. You clung to her so tightly, it was like you were a kid on the monkey bars.

When Alex had finally managed to pull you off, she held you at arms length to study you. “You have grown so much.”

“I’m the same height,” You said. “It’s been three months.”

“I mean you look more mature.”

Kara couldn’t hold in her laugh. After all, she had just watched you and Alex fight over whether or not she was going to hold you.

As Alex continued to look you over, her smile faltered. Even your ear to ear grin couldn’t hide the dark circles under your eyes. They were huge. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah. It’s fine. Why?” You asked.

“You look exhausted.”

“I’ve been studying,” You shrugged.

“As you should be,” Eliza cut in. “I can’t have anything but the best grades from my med student.” Again, Kara and Alex exchanged a look. “I’ll let you three catch up while I make dinner.”

After an argument with your sisters, you finally agreed to set aside your studies. But only after Alex gave you her “you-had-better-listen-or-you’ll-regret-it” look. Your sisters helped you put everything away, but you micromanaged everything. You had to make sure all your notes were in their rightful place.

“How do you know where anything goes?” Kara asked. “This is a mess.”

“It’s an organized mess. And if it’s not put away just right, I’ll lose everything and have to start over completely.”

“You’re insane,” Alex said.

“I’m a med student,” You said. “It comes with the territory.”

-----------------------------------------------------

You wanted to study some more after dinner, but your sisters forced you to watch a movie with them instead. And when you tried to sneak some notes into sister night, another look from Alex told you there was no way you would be able to study that night.

When you returned to the couch, you squeezed in between your sisters. Alex immediately put your arm around you while Kara grabbed your hand. You felt warmer and more at peace than you had in months, though the thought of your schooling still weighed heavily at the back of your mind.

A few minutes in, you lay your head on Alex’s shoulder, and a few minutes after that, you were asleep.

Kara grabbed a blanket from the arm of the couch and threw it over you, carefully tucking the end behind your shoulder. “This school must really be getting to her. She never falls asleep during a movie.”

“It’s not even ten,” Alex said. “Y/N is pushing herself way too hard. She needs to slow down.”

----------------------------------------------------------

You woke up around one. Your sisters were asleep beside you. They had even wrapped a blanket around you, which was totally in character, but still extremely sweet.

Since they were both out, you took the opportunity to grab your textbooks once again.

You were still studying when they awoke.

“Y/N,” Kara said. “What time is it?”

“Almost seven,” You said absentmindedly.

“How long have you been studying?” Alex asked.

“Since one.”

Alex ripped the book from your hands. She didn’t think it was possible, but the bags under your eyes had grown even bigger. “You’re done.”

“Hey! I need that!” 

“You don’t,” Kara said firmly. “You are done studying for the rest of the day.”

“It’s only seven.”

“And you’ve been at this for six hours,” Kara said. “You’ve had enough.”

That’s how it went over the next few days. Every time you would try to study, your sisters intervened. Kara tried to force you to take a nap, but once she left the room, you pulled out your notes. Needless to say, she was not pleased when she came to check on you.

“Give me the notes. This is not okay.”

It didn’t take long before your sisters refused to leave your side. If somebody had to do something, they made sure the other was free. They even agreed to keep watch overnight.

On the first night after they agreed to stay up and make sure you slept, you could not get to sleep, no matter what they tried. “I just need to study.” You insisted. “I’m going to fall behind.”

“Why are you so intent on this?” Alex asked as she sat on your bedside. Kara moved to your bed as well, crossing her legs after plopping down in the middle.

“It’s just, you two have done so much. You help people. You save lives. I’m not as cool as that. I don’t have superpowers or special combat training. I’m just awkward old me.”

“Hey,” Alex said. “You don’t need any of that. You are perfect just how you are.”

“I don’t want to fail you guys. Or mom.”

“You could never fail us,” Kara said. “Or mom.”

“I already have. She always compares me to you two. I just want to be able to do something important. And she’s right to push me to study - it just doesn’t come naturally. I have to spend extra time on it.”

“Are you kidding?” Kara said. “You could literally not pay any attention at school and still get straight A’s. You’re a freaking genius.”

“If you keep doing this, you will run yourself ragged, and then when it counts, you’ll be too tired. You won’t be able to function. We have to help you out of your chair half the time. You’re always exhausted. You’re always falling asleep. I’ve even heard you recite diseases in your sleep. Take a break. You’re being obsessive. It isn’t healthy, Y/N.”

“But I have to be the best.”

“You are the best,” Kara said. “Don’t kill yourself trying to be better than the best.”

“I guess you’re right.”

--------------------------------------------------------

The next morning, Alex made it downstairs while you and Kara were still asleep. You were so tired, Alex didn’t think you’d be out of bed all day. They finally seemed to have gotten through to you.

“Good morning, Alex,” Eliza said. “Where’s your sister? She’s usually up studying when I come down.”

“We need to talk, Mom,” Alex said. 

Eliza set her coffee down to look at Alex. “What’s going on?”

“Y/N is so tired. She is running herself dry with med school and it’s only her second year. I was partying my second year of med school.”

“And you never finished,” Eliza said. “Y/N needs to be more accomplished than that.”

“More accomplished?” Alex started before taking a deep breath. This was about you, not her. “The point is, she is trying so hard to please you, it’s killing her.”

“She’s fine.”

“You’re not listening to me, Mom. “She’s on break and all she does is study. She finished all her homework for the next month before Kara and I got here and she is still obsessed.”

“Y/N is doing what she should to get through school,” Eliza said. 

“She’s terrified of failing us! She feels like you compare her to Kara and I constantly, and that’s not fair to her. She’s still a kid. Let her be one. Stop pushing her so hard.”

“Of course I have high expectations. She should want to be like the two of you. You and Kara have accomplished so much. Why is it such a terrible thing if I want that for Y/N as well?”

“Because she’s not us, Mom. She’s not an alien. She doesn’t have superpowers. She is the victim of your - you’re craziness! And the longer she’s here, the worse it’s going to get.”

“What are you saying?”

“Y/N is going to spend the rest of break in National City with me. Where she won’t be judged.”

“Alex Danvers, you cannot -”

“I can,” Alex cut in. “And I am.”

[bougiebutbalanced]

An Apology & Cease-Fire

I try hard to love myself. It’s something that I actively practice everyday. Now before pass judgement, roll your eyes and think “its easy to love yourself when you look like that” I’m gonna stop you right there.  This isn’t how I’ve always looked. And certainly not how I always felt. I’ve battled the demons in my mind and mirror for as long as I can remember. 

I grew up in a time when everyone wore extra low rise jeans and tiny tops that displayed their belly rings. Xtina was dirrty, Paris Hilton was hot, 00 was the ideal size and the resident It Girl informed us that nothing tasted as good being skinny felt. 

But.... I wasn't built to wear 00 jeans. While my peers struggled to find jeans that were small enough around their waste yet long enough to cover their ankles, I fit comfortably into a size 6. I had an hourglass figure for as long as I could remember. But since I’m not Latina and those only person who it was acceptable to have curves was JLo, I began to develop some insecurities about myself. 

From the time I was about 12 I began every morning on the scale. Not my idea, non-optional, and overseen by my mom -one of my main demons disguised as a guardian angel. 3 little numbers would dictate whether I would climb into the shower and danced (150-151lbs) or cried (152lbs): for reference I was about 5’7-5’8. Thus began my war against my body. And I lost every battle. 

Growing up, I became aware that every group of friend had a fat friend --And when the DUFF book/movie eventually came out I began to think maybe I wasn't alone-- I had originally noticed this because that friend was always me. I had a habit of scanning whatever room I was in and mentally sorting the girls from best body to fattest. And being excited when I wasn’t in last. Albeit i was usually second to last. 

I began to binge. However the only eating disorders that existed were anorexia and bulimia- there was no such thing as a disorder where you ate copious amounts of junk food without the purge part (which for me came later). I was consumed with shame and guilt

The root of my shame and guilt stemmed from my mom. She has a my way is the best way attitude. With everything in life. She has an opinion on everything and if you don’t respond with “wow best idea ever how would I live without you” she gets upset. Those are her own insecurities, but they manifest in unhealthy ways towards me. Having a mom who judged everything I ate created constant shame and guilt around food. But when I wanted to do some kind of diet, she was supportive until it was inconvenient for her. Like if we were going out for dinner or if she was having people over then I should “just have a little.”  Or that time everyone was going vegetarian so I tried too and she made ribs and tacos and other things I loved trying to “break” me. Thanks mom 

This also led to my distain for exercising. Actually, just my distain for running. I hate running. Always have. It hurts and it’s boring and I’ve never been great at it. But my mom became a runner in her 20s and therefore it’s the only way to get healthy. I would’ve preferred spin classes or to try Pilates and I love swimmning but she didn't like those things and therefore in her mind they were inferior to the almighty option for weight loss: Running. Not cardio in general, just running.  

Then, in my early 20′s I got sick. I had a flare up of PCOS (super common auto immune and if you have it go to a naturopath and follow the diet- you’ll feel sooo much better I promise) I gained weight uncontrollably. But I also binged uncontrollably so I’m sure that contributed. I was also dangerously anemic which caused major depression. However I’m going to skip over most that time because it was a long and painful process of recovery. 

Before I lost all energy to do anything all I knew was that I was gaining weight and so I lived on celery and hummus and went to the gym twice a day.  I also tried to push thru my exhaustion, resting in my mom's eyes in lazy and therefore unacceptable, in her eyes you couldn't possibly heal if you were just laying on the couch, you should be up and moving. A prime example of this is when I got home from Australia, I’d drive the 20min in from our house to her office and I’d be so tired I’d have a headache from keeping my eyes open. But she told me it was jet lag just go to the gym and work it off... it was mono. We found out after it got really bad. I’d helped to unload 200 bails of hay and that night my glands swoll up to golf balls. The next day I was diagnosed and the dr said no impact sports or heavy lifting or my spleen could burst, it was pure luck that I was okay after lifting those bails.

Anyway, I was in my early 20s and now the Kardashians curves were envied and Kate Upton was the epitome of gorgeous, times had changed...but so had I. I was at my sickest, and my heaviest (260lbs) looking back at my high school pictures and wondering why I thought I was fat. If I could just get back to that weight, I’d be so happy. Yet, I’d cry when I saw memes about having a fast metabolism in high school because I never had one. So the war raged on, I hated how I didn’t look like I did in high school, yet I hated that I was skinny in high school....and I never saw the link.

Eventually I healed, and  went on a diet (its called Ideal Protein and its Keto). I did this diet 3 times. The first I went back down to 180. Then went off it, and gained back up to about 220. Then I went back on it and dropped to 195, went off and gained back to 210...then slowly over the next year I gained back up to 220. And then I tried to be bulimic. Turns out I like the feeling of throwing up (ya    that might be weird) so I’d binge and binge and then throw everything up. I’d go shopping and try things on and when they didn't fit, I’d swear to myself that I’d “commit” to being bulimic, and do it twice a day. But it didn't help me lose weight, it just slowed down the gain. 

The third time and final time I did the Ideal Protein I was in a different (and much better) place mentally thanks to the therapist I was seeing at the time. I dropped to 165, and when I went off it I went vegan. I bought my own groceries and even though I live with my parents they work out of town so I’m mostly on my own for meals too. Sometimes I go through phases where I eat unhealthy and I go up in weight and then I go through phases where I eat very healthy, i.e: vegan (not preaching for everyone to be vegan but I’ve found that it works well for me personally) gained up to 175 and then lost (on my own). I’m currently in one of those going up phases and whatever. It started when I went to Bali and enjoyed myself, then I was unemployed and stressed so not a great reaction (I sprained my ankle in Bali so no dynamic exercise and even a lot of yoga poses I couldn't do) and now I’m on vacation for Xmas. I don’t enjoy what my body looks like right now but I’m trying not to care. I know when I go home I’ll choose healthy foods again. When my ankle heals I’ll go back to dynamic execrsices and when I get a new job I’ll begin going to barre classes because they’re my fave. 

Most importantly, I recently realized that I had been so wrong. I thought because I’d tried starving my body or tried throwing up everything that wasn't healthy for me, but that didn’t help me to lose weight so I thought I’d lost that battle. I tried to exercise everyday and often I’d push till I couldnt go on, but I didn't see any progress so that didn't work for me and I’d lost that battle too. For reference, the first time I did Ideal Protein I went from 260lbs - 180lbs and even though my jeans were smaller I couldn't see a difference in my reflection....so body dysmorphia was at play. I lost the battle when I tried to be healthy so I’d binge and binge and go months without any form of exercise. And it didn't matter. Because when I was losing weight (minus this last time), or when I was eating chocolate and pizza in the dark, I hated myself. I hated that I had to wear clothes that were “flattering” (I word I despise because in my moms world thats a compliment) instead of clothes that were trendy. And every time I’d see my reflection or a picture of me I’d feel like I’d lost or failed. But I was wrong. But I was wrong in thinking I was the loser in this war.  Because I controlled the shots and my body was the one that had to adapt to the restriction or the overload. It was the one that shrunk and grew in response to my actions that were all done out of anger, frustration, and hate so even when my body was getting exercise or nourishment it was always starved of love. 

So this decade. And those that come after it. It will be loved. There’s no wagons to fall off of or tracks to get back on. They’re all phases. Like seasons of the year or phases of the moon, some are darker than others but all are necessary for life and all have their good and bad characteristics. I love that I sometimes  allow myself to indulge (such as my current choices). But I also love that I choose to supply nourishment and movement to my body. I love myself enough to supply my vessel with nourishment. Now I move my body in ways that feel good i.e. low impact(yoga, barre, walks with my dog). And I also recognize that sometimes its better that I don’t move at all. Such as, it’s better to take 1-2 days of nothing but Netflix and delivery in order to recharge then to push through stress and exhaustion and struggle through before I eventually burn out, where I spend 2-3 WEEKS watching Netflix and getting delivery but hating myself while doing so and feeling like a failure. 

I’m so sorry to my that it went so long without love and validation. I promise to fill the rest of them with compassion and fun and understanding. Here’s to end of 2019 and good start to 2020; the end of a decade, but the start of an age (yes that’s a TSwift lyric) 

Love Me <3 

[mushroomminded]

Walkman (2)

Donna confiscated Jake's walkman.

Aaron should have been satisfied by it. He should have been so happy to see that symbol of everything be could never have plucked from the fingers of his brother, but he wasn't. Deep down, he was horrified.

Ever since he could walk, Aaron had tried to take that walkman from his older brother. It was forbidden and interesting and he wanted it. But Jake had always guarded it like his life depended on it. If it wasn't secure in his backpack, it was clutched firmly in his hands, his fingers lovingly tracing the grooves on the translucent blue plastic cover as the disc inside whirled in circles, creating silent sound that always took Jake somewhere else, somewhere far away that his little brother wasn't allowed to visit. It wasn't fair.

But it was Jake's. Dinged up and old and sometimes Jake needed to give the disc inside an encouraging spin to get it going, but it was Jake's. It was his old thing and even Aaron knew that it comforted him. That's why after Jake was flown away in a haze of sirens and red and blue lights that Aaron had bent down and gathered up Jake's backpack, turning the walkman over in his hands. It was dinged and scratched and the headphones were snapped in two, but it was whole. That's why he carried it with him to the hospital every day. That's why he put it in Jake's lap and slid a crisp new pair of headphones over Jake's ear. It was supposed to make him feel better, and the look of restfulness on Jake's face when he pressed play told Aaron that it did.

It wasn't Aaron's to touch. That's why it felt so dirty when his mother dropped the walkman into his hands, the disc still spinning and warm inside and told him he could have it until Jake learned to be nice to him.

Jake hadn't fought it. How could he, in his condition? It seemed like agony for him to move, only prying himself from the bed if he absolutely had to, staggering and crying, leaning up on the wall as he moved so slowly, clutching at himself. Aaron pretended not to hear. Pretended not to notice when Jake would crawl back into bed in the room neighbouring Aaron's, sobbing in pain, the bed creaking as he tried to find some semblance of comfort. Pretending not to see when Jake quieted down, the headphones over his ears, tears spilling from his squeezed-shut eyes, breathing to the rhythm of a tune Aaron couldn't hear.

Aaron passed the newly acquired walkman from hand to hand, turning it, finding the off switch, gathering up the headphones. So long ago he would have wanted to press the phones to his ears, to find out what Jake had been hiding from him for so long, but now the thought made him sick. He glanced into the bedroom. Jake's trembling hand lifted to his chest, wrist still captive in a cast. A soft whine came from the room, stuttering, breaking, as Jake's breathing picked up.

Aaron left to his room, walkman in hand.

___

The walkman stayed on Aaron's dresser. Aaron never once touched it as it sat there, useless, the green and silver disc inside catching light and begging to be spun, but Aaron refused. He listened instead to the room behind the wall.

Jake was whimpering, gasping quietly and letting it out as a high moan. Aaron sat beside the wall, knees pulled up to his chest and listened. Part of him told himself that if Jake called for help, he would help him, but the other part knew that Jake never would. He knew what Jake knew: help wouldnt come if he did.

---

Things got worse.

Jake got up less and less, and he cried more and more. It felt like anytime Aaron was home, Jake was there in the bed, door open as always, openly sobbing to the ceiling, a harsh wail of pure agony. One time Aaron heard his mother come down the hallway and he listened, eyes transfixed on the stubborn old walkman on the dresser. He listened as Donna rebuked Jake for the noise. He listened as she called him a burden to the family, how he was keeping everyone up at night, how he should really be so grateful for how good he had it. Jake didn't cry less after that, his voice was instead just so choked that it couldnt be heard from beyond the hallway.

---

Aaron visited Jake about a week later. He'd watched him from the doorway, listened to him through the walls, but never set foot in the room since the walkman made it's home on Aaron's dresser. Aaron stood awkwardly over the bed for a moment, seemingly unnoticed by Jake until he took a seat at the foot of the bed.

"Mom..." Jake choked out, a sob welling in his throat.

"Aaron," Aaron corrected quietly.

Jake swallowed, sniffling and steadying his breath as best he could.

"Aaron," Jake repeated. Then he burst into tears.

"Why are you crying so much?" Aaron asked, his voice sounding stiffer than he intended.

"It hurts, Aaron," Jake cried quietly so not to draw the attention of his mother. "It hurts so much and I can't move."

Aaron noticed a croak in his voice, thinking at first it was from Jake crying himself out, but quickly wondering when was the last time he heard Jake get up for water.

"You didn't cry so much when you had your walkman."

It was a cruel, horrible thing to say, but Aaron had to know why.

Jake's voice cracked. "It-it helps me Aaron!" He sobbed. "I can't c-calm down without it I can't- it helps me f-forget."

"Forget what?"

"How much it hurts!" Jake's sobs got louder. Footsteps came from down the hall. Donna's short figure appeared in the doorway. She saw Jake cracking and breaking in the bed and Aaron seated awkwardly at the end. She focused on Aaron.

"Let him cry it out," she told him. "He will learn to be grateful."

Aaron nooded quietly. He stood and left, leaving Jake crying behind him.

He joined Donna in the living room. She was watching the news on television, the stories long since passed the horrifying tragedy that befell his big brother.

"I forget he's here sometimes," Donna admitted nonchalantly. "He doesn't do an inch of good for us."

"He's in pain, Mom," Aaron said quietly.

"I should hope so! He was a fool to play in traffic. Hopefully he'll learn something for once."

"He wasn't playing in traffic!" Aaron heard his voice raise after it was too late. Donna turned and looked at him sharply.

"Sorry," Aaron muttered sheepishly. Donna turned back to her viewing, mouth firmly pressed shut. Aaron poured a glass of water and went silently back up the hallway.

---

Jake's friend asked Aaron about him in school. Aaron had never met Jake's friend before and was surprised when the tall, strongly-built boy asked very quietly about his brother.

"I haven't seen him in a long time and I can't get a hold of him. He won't respond to his e-mails," the friend explained, a deep concern written on his face that Aaron was unfamiliar with.

"He's at home," Aaron admitted, "and he hasn't been doing very well."

Jake's friend's face scrunched up in such an expression of worry that it turned Aaron's heart.

"Maybe I could visit him?" The friend asked, softly, gently.

"I'd have to ask our mom."

---

Aaron came home with a small, flat box wrapped in silver-blue paper in his backpack. He stood at the threshold of Jake's room, package in hand. On the top was a white sticker that read "Get Well Soon! I Miss You! -Dan". Aaron turned it in his hands before stepping into the room. An empty water glass stood on Jake's bedside table.

"You've got a present," Aaron said softly.

Jake gave a soft hum in response, not seeming to fully process what was happening.

"From a guy named Dan."

"Dan?" Jake said, trying to lift his head. Aaron held the gift so he could see.

"I'll open it for you," Aaron said, lowering the package and peeling back a layer of the shiny paper. Inside was a brand new CD still in its case. The cover had three men Aaron didn't recognize dressed in black and dusted with golden glitter. He showed Jake the cover. Jake began to cry immediately.

"Tell him thank you for me... please," Jake managed to say.

"I will," Aaron said quietly, slipping the CD case under Jake's fingers and leaving with the wrapping paper in hand.

---

The walkman on the dresser taunted Aaron more than usual. It had gathered some dust but the reflection of the sun off the plastic still hit the wall in such a way he could never forget it was there.

Aaron thought about the CD in Jake's room. Jake had managed to open the case at some point and had oh so gently spun the disc inside and pulled the front cover out to reveal a little booklet with pictures of the band and the words to all the songs. Jake read them quietly aloud to himself, sometimes humming a little tune to go with them. Sometimes when he cried, he'd sputter out the words, gently singing himself to sleep.

It felt like a crime that disc didn't have a chance to spin.

Aaron stood in Jake's doorway once again. Jake was quiet. The booklet was back home in its case and the case was wrapped carefully in his bandaged hand. Aaron wondered vaguely how long those casts and bandages were supposed to be there. The two of them were no stranger to broken bones and it felt like it had been forever since Jake had seen a doctor.

Aaron glanced down at his hands, the old walkman in one and the neatly wound headphones in the other. He took a breath and appreached the bed.

"Jake," he said quietly, crouching beside the bed. Jake turned tiredly to face him, his face more ragged than Aaron remembered. His eyes fell to the walkman. Aaron expected a glimmer of hope in Jake's eyes but found none, only seeing exhaustion and pain as Jake looked back up at his face. Aaron's gaze dropped to the walkman as he unwound the headphones.

"I want you to listen to it," he whispered, gently placing the band over Jake's head, the padded earpieces landing over his ears. He placed the walkman on Jake's bedside table, gently setting aside a half-filled glass of water. He opened the latch on the walkman and took out the shiny silver-green disc, setting it carefully on the table. He then slid Jake's gift from Dan from his hand and opened it, placing the new CD in the player. He gave it a spin like he saw Jake do so many times before closing it and pressing play.

He heard the music fade in. Jake's eyes closed. For a moment Aaron saw his old brother. As the sounds he couldn't fully hear played into Jake's ears, a calm settled over his face. Even as tears formed and fell from the corners of his eyes as he listened, there was some kind of happiness on Jake's face that Aaron hadn't really seen before. As the song ended and the music faded out, Jake's eyes opened again, he turned to Aaron and gave something like a smile. He slowly, carefully put a hand to his ear, turning the headphone out.

"Listen with me," he said.

Aaron's heart jumped. He felt his face turn hot but he leaned in slowly until his ear touched the headphone, until his head was pressed against Jake's. Jake's eyes fell closed once more and his breathing calmed to the tune of the song. Aaron let his eyes fall shut too and he listened, for the first time in his life, to the walkman.