#months of analyzing almost everyday lmao

[castleclerics]

idc i think mike 100% understood will in the van

i have for a while but was inspired by this post to look back at the van scene for definitely the 200th+ time with what they pointed out in mind and really tried to analyze mike's faces more than i have before.

the first time we see mike after will says el commissioned the painting he furrows his eyebrows twice, (while looking at will, then again after he looks at the painting) very subtle but there. bro's so confused and disappointed that it's not THE painting. the one will made for who he likes.

"even el especially el" mike's like ok. what in the hell is going on here what am i not getting *looks back at painting to try and figure it out*

"she's so different from other people and when you're.....when you're......"

put yourself in mike's shoes. your best friend is talking pretty seriously to you about this damn painting, but he keeps looking out the window at certain parts. he's probably like 'why is he completely turned away from me ? something must really be wrong whatever he's saying he doesn't even want to look at me while saying it, that's not like him.' etc.

will says the word 'different' again while describing a person which prompts mike to look further down to will's back, looking at him and this situation as a whole, zooming out if you will. mike relates all too well to that word, then looks back up at will's head area.

he looks back at painting with that tiny jaw movement (you can see if u watch the actual scene i can’t put another video) as he has his realization. looking at the painting the few other times wasn't enough. but will talking about being different was the missing piece to the puzzle. mike looks at it again and it all makes sense. because mike is queer too, he gets it. that's how he figures out will's talking about himself, everything he just told mike about being the heart. the heart painted on his shield. it's clear as day now for him.

will links being different to feeling like a mistake and the look on mike's face on the left is way more concerned than the very first blurry pic of him, then does his classic 'i feel bad for this person/myself' mouth thing. he wants to reach out to will so badly and make this right but he literally can't. he knows this is the only chance he might get and he can't.

put yourself in his shoes again. 'oh my god my best friend who i like is literally confessing to me and there's nothing i can do about it i want to tell him everything but he used el as a shield for a reason and i don't want to ruin that for him. also i'm in a pizza van that reeks of weed with his brother and his insane friend in the middle of the desert going to rescue el from a military base we might all literally die and something bad is waiting for us if we do make it to hawkins i feel so bad for him though and i need to tell him i feel the same way but i can't rn oh my god what do i do'

mike isn't stupid/oblivious in the van scene, he only is when will tells him "you're the heart". he read that situation wrong. he read the van scene 100% right.

[reihimura]

rei & touya’s relationship is so criminally underrated by canon and fanon imo. people have have pointed out how they look similar, especially when experiencing severe distress or melancholy (which they do look very similar, making their situation(s) all the more sadder), but i also feel a lot of people fail to mention how they are almost… mirror each other, in a sense.

the reason endvr abandoned training touya was because he “inherited rei’s weak constitution”, because he was too much like his mother - not only with the intolerance to heat, but perhaps in personality as well. they have similar reactions when under stress, usually lashing out verbally or sometimes physically. they’re both usually soft-spoken individuals, but also aren’t afraid to speak their minds when need be. they aren’t afraid of getting hurt if it means they deflect or reflect attention from themselves and others (i.e. rei stepping into one of shouto’s training sessions because it was getting too violent, and results in rei getting endvr’s attenttion in a slap. in contrast, touya trained everyday despite the massive amounts of pain it causes to get endvr’s attention.)

they were both the “firsts” in the todoroki family. rei was the first one to take on the todoroki surname as endvr’s wife, and touya was the firstborn todoroki child.

their actions also feel like parallels to each other. they’ve both harmed, or attempted to harm, shouto - but this harm was more-so meant for endvr; these attacks were an extension of the ideals endvr forced onto his family - that only one could be good enough for him.

they both separated from the family in nearly the same amount of time, due to mental breakdowns. they both spent a decade, if not more, away from the family, and then somewhat returned at, once again, nearly the same time. in canon time, it’s only been a year or so since rei and shouto reunited, and perhaps months after touya finally made his grand reveal. it’s kind of funny that this has happened twice - rei leaves, touya leaves. rei returns, touya returns.

and maybe it’s because these two are so similar and so seemingly (and perhaps unknowingly) connected that they don’t know how to help each other, much less themselves. the scene where rei tries to reach out to younger touya really showcases this imo: she almost got through to him, when she asked what he wanted to be. not what endvr wanted him to be; what he, touya, wants.

yet, she loses him when she brings endvr back into the equation - and you can’t fault her for this. her world so quickly and abruptly changed to focus on her husbands rather than her own, when he made her family agree to marry him. the forced marriage and abuse rei suffered from her husband caused her to focus on what she can do for endvr, to focus on him rather than herself. she has to have his children, care for said children, and pay special attention towards the “golden child”. endvr tells rei she needs to “take care of touya”, but not for touya’s sake, for endvr’s sake. because that’s the kind of household endvr has built for years and years. and that’s what causes rei and touya’s interaction to fall apart; because these characters don’t know how to separate themselves from their abuser. it’s a survival tactic; to focus on the needs of the abuser rather than the needs of the victims (including yourself). and neither rei, nor touya, nor any other member of the todofam are at fault for that aside from endvr.

but now, in canon, things are different. rei and touya have been physically separated from endvr for over a decade now, and in terms of mentally/emotionally separating themselves from their abuser, they’ve still got a ways to go. touya’s main goal revolves around killing his father, even if that means touya will die too. rei’s main goal is to bring touya back, and she even encourages endvr to help. while the whole situation regarding what the todofam actually wants to do with touya is still vague, we can see that endvr still has a strong influence over rei and touya.

maybe rei believes endvr can save touya because she couldn’t all those years ago. maybe touya believes he can’t go back to his family and should perish along with endvr instead because, in touya’s mind, he is his father’s ugly, failed creation. something-that-could’ve-been-turned-monster. he’s a reflection of the abuse endvr put both touya and his family through. he even sees himself as his father to an extent, as he’s called his own flames “endvr’s fire”.

they both feel like they can’t do anything for each other because of endvr, when in actuality, i think that rei and touya have always needed each other, and now they need each other more than ever. they had gotten close, back then, with rei asking touya what he wanted to do.

these two characters have so much in common, and their arcs play off of each other’s so well. they can teach each other that they’re not their abuser, and that they’re not what their abuser thinks of them. they are their own person, and it’s time for them to figure out what they truly want going forward.

touya is not his father’s failed creation, he is not weak due to having an intolerance to fire - he’s just touya.

rei is not the hospitalized wife of the #1 hero, she is not a failure of a mother - she’s just rei.

i think the two of them can help each other, and the rest of the family, find healing. they’re so similar, and they should understand each other so well.

basically there’s so much to rei & touya’s relationship that can be explored and analyzed, yet canon (and fanon) seemingly fail to realize this due to the focus on endvr and how He feels rather than… literally anyone else lmao.

there’s still so much about rei & touya’s relationship that we don’t know. but touya does still call rei “mom”, and refers to his father only by name. after all these years, after their brief falling-out before rei was hospitalized, touya still calls her “mother”. that means something.

there’s so much there for rei & touya’s relationship. and it’s a shame that canon and fanon don’t do much with it, or they take what’s been giving to us thus-far at face-value. their relationship has all the seeds planted to make it one that’s complex, caring, healing, and understanding. i just wish canon would actually let it grow instead of focusing on endvr for the millionth time /:

[chaoswrites]

Draco Malfoy | Comfort

Draco Malfoy x gn!Reader

Summary: You decide to comfort Draco on a bad day.

Warnings: none, i don’t think

Word Count: 1009

A/N: this is technically for my 200 follower special. here, @woodygirl127 sorry it took so long. note, i do not write for draco malfoy this is just for my best friend bc she’s insufferable. jk ily bb. sorry this is bad,

As soon as you walked into the great hall at the start of breakfast, you could feel the tension radiating from the Slytherin table. The Slytherins, all more on edge than usual, eyed you as you entered, silently begging you with their eyes to help them with the invisible struggle they all were facing.

Deciding to bypass your own house table, you head straight for your boyfriend who seems to be the cause for the stress filling the grand room. You walk to his table, the rest of the students watching with baited breaths to see if you can resolve the newest cause of anger in the platinum blonde. Even as you approach him, he doesn’t look up at you from the far off grimace he holds on his tight face.

You call his name softly as you sit next to him on the bench. The only sign you receive that he had heard your call is the slight head tilt he does in your direction. If you didn’t know him as much as you do, you wouldn’t have picked up on the temporary relax of his shoulders that comes from simply hearing your voice. Even with this momentary action, you can tell whatever is bothering is more serious than your everyday stress.

The second call of his name caused him to turn his head toward you, the realization of where he is and who he is with flooding his face. The sight of him being so put out by whatever is making him feel this burdened makes your heart ache, but nevertheless you give him a small smile as a greeting.

“What’s goin’ on?”

The concern laced in your voice startles him, but he quickly covers it up with his usual smirk. “Worried about me, darling?”

You know the quip is a mask to hide the gratitude of knowing you care about him and are genuinely concerned on the reason he is so down. The foreign feeling of someone doting on him to make him feel better causes you to decide to drag him off the bench out of the room. Only away from the hungry eyes of watchers will he be truly comfortable telling you his cause of pain.

You exit the Great Hall with your boyfriend in tow, not stopping until you reach a secluded hallway a floor up. You turn after you stop to look up at Draco, a frown taking over your face when he refused to meet your eyesight.

“Draco?” He flinches when you reach for his face, grasping it and turning it in your direction. “Hey, look at me, please. Can you tell me what’s wrong?”

His eyes finally meet yours and you can see the distress filling the irises along with the need to let it out.

“I-“ He stutters then stops, you can see the anxiety flood through him with the way he fidgets his fingers. You move to grab his hands, intertwining your fingers together and loosening the noose he’s stretched over himself. “Father wrote me. He-” Another pause follows and you squeeze his hand in reassurance.

“You don’t need to tell me if you don’t want to. Just know I’m here if you need me to be. I understand things are rough between you and your father, you don’t need to hide anything from me. If you want, I could help you take your mind off things? We could go down to the lake, take a walk around the grounds. Or we could just relax in your dorm. Whatever you need, ok? If you need to be alone that’s fine, too.”

“No, I need-“ He stops once again and brings his hands to your shoulders, rubbing them to help get his point across. “I need you right now.” Suddenly, he takes a quick look around the hall, confirming the absence of the rest of the school before continuing, “can we, um, cuddle? In my dorm, please?”

The question surprises you, to say the least. The nervous look on his face makes you wonder if this is something that he’s wanted in the past or if this is a one-time circumstance. Regardless of the answer, you quickly nod and confirm to him that, if this truly is his wish, who are you to deny him.

With dinner still in process, you and Draco easily made your way to the Slytherin common room, slipping into the dungeon without detection. The main room, usually filled with both noisy and quiet Slytherins alike, was eerily silent, seeming to taunt the situation at hand. The usually crackling fire is talking softer than normal, almost like it’s trying to listen in to the conversation.

Making your way into his dorm, you take a moment to analyze your boyfriend of 18 months. The typical emotionless facade he constructed for the presence of others slipped away from his features when exclusively with you. The pleasant satisfaction of knowing, even in moments like this, he still trusts you enough to let his guard down.

Once you reach his bed, he pulls you down on top of it, immediately curling his arms around you. Surprised from his sudden actions, you relax into his chest where you feel him rest his head in the crook of your neck, relishing in the comfort your company gives him. You brush your fingers through his hair and squeeze him closer to his body, realizing how much this letter from his father must have impacted him without needing to know the contents.

“Draco, you know I love you, right?” You wait for him to look up at you as a sign of him listening before continuing, “and no matter what your father or anyone else says about you that will never change, ok?”

The small smile he gives you after hearing your promise makes every little bump and doubt on your side worth it. Every fight and miscommunication and resolution no longer seemed like a struggle but a journey. Your own personal love story.

“I know, love. That’s why I love you, too.”

Everything Taglist: Open

@cleopatera (i know u asked to be on this but idk if u meant this too so if u want to be on only haikyuu stuff just let me know lmao)

[suekre]

So ive followed you a VERY long time (like from the deviantart days lmao) and i only just realised that you were talking about ocd in that post. Just wanted to let you know that i have ocd as well and god it is exhausting and i know exactly how you feel! I finally start therapy for it in 2 weeks. Pls know that i love your art and you very much and appreciate everything you create and share with us. All the best!! X

Hey you, I know you! Thank you for coming to my inbox and sharing this with me, I appreciate that so much. :) I am SUPER happy for you that you are about to get the help you need, that is awesome. I wish I could have had it at the time!

(And oh boy, the good old deviantart days, haha! Always happy to have my longtime followers around! :D)

OCD is exhausting indeed. People who aren’t affected can’t imagine what a nightmare it is. I, personally, am more prone to intrusive thoughts than actual obsessive-compulsive behavior. When people hear „OCD“, they usually think of obsessive hand washing or „leaving out every black tile while walking through a kitchen“ or so, while it can manifest in other ways. I didn’t know back then. I just thought I was going completely crazy at the time. I think I mentioned my disorder at times but I never actually openly talked about my own experiences (where I come from, mental disorders are a big NO NO, because it’s all in your head, just pull yourself together, other people are ACTUALLY suffering, it’s just dumb thoughts, you just need to think positive, y’know).

I kinda feel like doing it now. Just to get it out, and also to occupy my brain and hands and hey, maybe someone else can pick this up and find themselves in my own experiences. I sure know how relieved I was when I found out I wasn’t alone with my what I thought was a ‚Very Weird, Unique and Niche Problem‘.  

I gotta admit first - I’m doing much better nowadays. Even my worst days, as horrible as they may feel at the time, do in no way compare to the hell I went through in the second half of 2015. I have come a long way since my last (and so far worst... omg, oof, I hope there won’t be another) episode of intrusive thoughts. But, oh boy, was it intense.  It was the absolute worst time of my life, ever. I’m not writing this to scare anyone. Anyone who is familiar with this, will know how bad it is and anyone who can’t relate at all won’t feel affected anyway and will maybe even think something along the lines of „What the fuck?!“. I get it. It DOES sound crazy.

I have always been an overthinker. I always needed more validation and reassurance than other people around me and for the longest time I had no idea why that was. It was usually subtle - always kinda there but never strong enough to actually affect my life in a negative way. I just felt off at times, and not always super good. But I was generally ok, I could always manage.

Until that one episode that changed my life forever. I know that sounds dramatic but, even though I am in a good place nowadays, it sure DID change my life. I was 31, I lived together with my then-boyfriend and I still remember the exact date. Friday, July 24th, 2015. I remember the exact moment when my entire mind collapsed. It’s so weird, it literally happened from one second to the other. I am not making this up to sound more dramatic, it was a matter of seconds.

I was on my way home after work and I felt… restless and stressed. It felt good to get off work (it was my first full time job and... it didn’t go well, to put it nicely) but I was no longer really looking forward to my week off, and our trip to our favorite Open Air the following week. I picked up some dinner on my way, I came home, and I saw my boyfriend in the middle of the living room, he was making some preparations for our upcoming trip. When I saw him, tall and handsome and smiling at me, I smiled back but inside I felt like crying. My smile was fake. Kissing him felt weird, and also fake. And all of a sudden, there it was. The life changing thought:

„I don’t love him anymore.“

A simple thought. I had weird thoughts before, like anyone does, but they never had any greater impact on me. This time, though, that one thought knocked me off my feet. Not literally, I had turned into a pillar of salt somehow. This was the Perfect Man Of My Dreams (at least that was what I thought back then). The man I wanted to spend my life with, the man who made me happy every day! How could that even be, how could I even think something like that?

I felt even more restless. I didn’t tell him, of course. When he asked how my day was, I put on my fake smile again and said it was okay. We ate our dinner (although I had instantly lost any appetite), and I kept looking at him and the thoughts... just kept coming back.

You don’t love him anymore. What if you don’t love him anymore?

On repeat. It was awful. I just couldn’t shake them off.

It’s the stress, I tried to tell myself. You’re overworked. It’ll be good, you just need some rest.

But I couldn’t relax. My heart was racing, my blood was pumping. I didn’t know what was going on. I begged him to leave his work undone and take me out for an after work drink and he agreed. All the time, the thoughts wouldn’t leave my mind. I didn’t want to think them, but they were merciless, they just kept coming back. I felt so helpless.

A few drinks later, I had calmed down a bit, at least so much that I could stand to look at my BFs face again without feeling guilty. There you go, I said to myself, not quite convinced, you’ll be good. It’s already wearing off. When we crawled into bed later, I was tired and relaxed (and tipsy) enough to sleep and convinced that this was just a little glitch, that things would be just fine in the morning.

When I woke up, I felt exhausted. My heart was racing... and the thoughts came back IMMEDIATELY.

You don’t love him anymore. You gotta leave him.

What. The. HELL!? Why are these thoughts still a thing? Why are they still there? Why do they keep coming back?

I kept trying to push them away but the more I tried, the more intense they became. As if they tried to spite me. I started losing focus on everything else around me, the world slowly started to blur. It was just Me And My Thoughts from here. I tried my best to hide my state, and I think I managed for a while, but I felt like a robot any time I talked to someone. When people would pick up on my confusion, I usually brushed their concerns off. It’s nothing, I’m good.

I mean... how do you even tell someone that you just. can’t. stop. thinking. about whether you still love your boyfriend or not? According to the world, that is something you “just feel and know” after all. Except that I didn’t. I had no clue. I couldn’t feel anything. But, according to the world, that was perfectly normal, too. “Honeymoon phase is over at some point, babe. That’s everyday life, you grow comfy, it’s no longer a flash of feelings every day, you know that. You guys have been together for a while after all, what did you expect?!” ... what I felt didn’t feel like comfy everyday life either, though. Comfy everday life shouldn’t come with high key anxiety, sleepless nights and a loss of appetite at any lived second. If that was comfy everyday life, I sure didn’t want it.

So, what do you do when you have no clue about something? Right! Google! Go and ask the world! “How do you know that you still love your partner?”, “Is the love gone?” ... I spent hours, DAYS doing that, but no answer I found was remotely statisfying (or maybe it was for a minute, but the reassurance never lasted long) and I felt that those articles didn’t actually understand what I was asking in first place. I would spend every day like that. Permanently asking myself the same questions, analyzing myself, testing if the Big Feels for the man had decided to come back... nah, not really. Maybe NOW? If I just look at him close enough?! ... maybe if I squint a little?! Fuck, still nothing! Niente! Nada! I am a horrible person, aaah!

(Our open air trip was an emotional disaster by the way, I felt horrible all the time, and the permanent rain didn’t help. -3/10, do not recommend).

If I had known at the time that I wouldn’t spend just a few days but (more or less) six months with this shit... oof. I was already exhausted after those few days.

Over the course of the next weeks I stopped eating almost entirely. I just couldn’t. This permanent tight anxiety knot in my stomach made me want to throw up at the mere thought of food. At my worst point I weighed 138 lbs (63 kg), at 6 ft 1 (1,85 m). I often joked about how I had almost reached runway model standard. I was sick, I was weak, I was scared, but I just couldn’t eat and the bits I DID force myself to eat were burned almost right away by my crippling anxiety. (I still have clothes from that time, and I sometimes beat myself up for no longer fitting into them before I remember that I should NEVER fit into them EVER again.)

Instead I smoked a pack a day. I hardly got any sleep and when I did, it wasn’t relaxing. Always in Fight and Flight mode. My body was at alert level any minute, any day. I’m still asking myself how it could be that I never actually... collapsed. I was always tired, exhausted and malnourished... I dunno, you tell me.

The thoughts never really disappeared. They kept coming back in all variations. You don’t love him anymore. You have to leave him. You may not want to, but you have to. You don’t love him. I had very few “good moments” in between but in those good moments, my mind was usually frantically looking for explanations and reasons behind all this. For ways to improve my relationship, to feel better about my boyfriend. I came up with the WEIRDEST shit. Almost every day I found something new that bothered me. One day he was a little boring. That’s it! We gotta go out more, do more stuff, that’ll change everything. ... aaah, no. Guess not. The next day, it was something else. The day after THAT, it was something entirely different again.

I was suddenly prone to making some HELLA weird impulsive decisions, too. „I gotta break off contact to that one person RIGHT now, THEN I WILL FEEL BETTER!“, “I gotta talk to my mom about THAT particular incident in my childhood right now, THEN I WILL FEEL BETTER!”, “I gotta make a trip to the mall JUST NOW, THEN I WILL FEEL BETTER!”… the decisions made total sense to me the second I made them, for about ten minutes at most, but the initial rush of relief started to fade again quickly and I frantically started looking for new solutions. Google was my best friend. I couldn’t go a day without googling exessively. Overthinking, pacing, googling. Any day, any hour awake. Over weeks. A few months even. My mind was constantly reeling. It was a bottomless pit.  

I cannot put into words how exhausting that was. Sometimes the idea of throwing myself out of the next window seemed SO tempting, not because I wanted to die, but because I wanted the thoughts to stop tormenting me.

(I was out of regular therapy at the time, btw. I thought about calling my therapist about it but never did it. I felt isolated, I literally thought I had to do this all by myself.)

At some point, a few months into it, I somehow transferred to zombie mode. The thoughts became a little less intense over time. They were never gone but not quite as nagging anymore. But any time I wasn’t in alert mode, I felt just hollow instead. Sucked dry of any joy, of any emotion, of any sign of life. I just... functioned. Still tried to hide it. I dunno how well I did with that. Probably not at all well. I kept it all to myself, just because it felt that ridiculous. Tried to find excuses. “I’m just tired.”, “You know, there’s a lot going on in my head right now, but I’ll be good.” ... truth is that I don’t remember a whole lot of that time, it’s all blurry. There are just a few significant moments.

Such as that one evening, after work, when I left the building, made a few steps and stood five (or ten? fifteen??? who knows?! not me.) minutes on the spot, motionless, because I could no longer remember my way home.

I got fired from that job, by the way. I’m sure it was mostly due to low performance, I get it, but I can’t blame my poor state alone - they were also assholes.

Anyway.

I had, of course, never stopped the googling and one day, after hours of browsing any niche I hoped I hadn’t browsed yet, I somehow found a blog written by a young woman like me. The description tackled almost all of my thought patterns and I was blown. away. She asked herself the very same questions, with the very same twists, and... she even had a name for it.

ROCD. Relationship Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

I cried for what felt like hours. Out of relief. There was a person in this world who knew exactly what I was going through. And she even had tips how to overcome it. It wasn’t the first time I had heard about OCD, but as it had never affected me in any way before (I, too, associated it with compulsive hand washing and tile jumping), I wouldn’t have thought of it. After doing my own intense research on the subject, a huge part of me and my life finally started making sense to me. Not much was known about ROCD at the time, but it kinda didn’t matter anyway. What mattered was the OCD part. The subject of the thoughts is entirely interchangable. It’s the chain of thoughts itself that has to be broken. Don’t focus on the relationship. Break the chain instead.

The internet also recommended exposure therapy but as therapy wasn’t an option at the time (weird German laws... regular health insurance covers only a limited amount of therapy lessons within a certain span of time and I had used mine up and there was no way I could pay myself), I decided to try it myself, the key points being:

* No more googling, no more reassurance. Learn to live with the uncertainty, learn to live with Not Knowing.

* Let the thoughts happen. Watch them pass by. They’re just thoughts, they can’t harm you. Don’t fight them, just recognize them and let them stay, they’ll get less scary over time.

* Focus on other things, as hard as it is. Try to occupy your mind and your body. Any minute you spend doing something else but brooding is a win.

It all sounded so very abstract at the time, but I was determined to give it a try. Oh gosh, was it hard. After months of emotional torment and getting used to unhealthy ways of coping, it was SO DAMN FUCKING HARD to NOT google. To NOT think. It felt like torment all over again. How was I supposed to just let the thought sit with me!? It was scary, I didn’t want it! Just ONE little peek, only a second, come ON! I won’t do it again after that?!

Oh god, it was the worst, it really was. Trying to break the chain while I was so desperate to save my relationship was terrible. I honestly don’t remember HOW I made it... but I made it. I somehow... clawed and bit my way out of it. I went right through the pain and made it. It’s not actually a linear process but there comes this point (and I know a few people I met on online platforms who would back me up on this) when you know the worst is over. You just know it. Things weren’t exactly good by the time the thoughts were history but I had reign over my own head again, I could actually SEE the world again, and that was worth everything plus my body weight in gold.

I’ll stop right here because the following months weren’t about my OCD anymore, but about figuring out needs, figuring out myself and what I wanted from life and this particular relationship and it’s not quite relevant and another story. (I DID love my ex-BF but it turned out he wasn’t at all good for me, I had ignored all the red flags for too long, and it didn’t take long after this for us to go separate ways)

I hated this particular time in my life while it lasted but I have learned and taken so much from it. It has changed my life in so many ways. I learned that things are never set in stone, not for anyone. That there will always be uncertain times on our ways. That change is always scary. That it’s okay to be scared. That staying in crappy situations for the sake of it isn’t always the right thing to do. Sometimes, doing the right thing (aka leaving a relationship that isn’t good for you) can make you sad. Love does not equal compatibility.

Looking back, I am - in a very bizarre and twisted way - grateful for the experience. It was an incredibly important lesson for me that taught me to be kinder to myself, to look out for myself and to listen to my own needs. That I should put myself first at times. For the first time of my life, I really got in touch with myself and my own emotions. I learned to understand them, I learned where they come from. I learned to cut myself slack at times.

The list goes on and on, but you get my drift. I know myself inside and out at this point. That wasn’t always the case. Not until 2016.

It still comes back at times. Not with such full force, but it keeps creeping back in, pretty much any time I have to deal with uncertainty in my life. Bad news at work, not hearing from a friend for a while that I’m dying to hear from (inevitably thinking that they MUST be mad at me) or when I spot a few symptoms of sickness that I’m not familiar with (I practically never get sick). Not Knowing What Will Happen drives me CRAZY. I hate uncertainty, I need my life to be stable and calm to fully function.

Now, in COVID times, it’s mostly the fear of suffering from an incurable disease. AGAIN. I’m familiar with that, too. I’m not even scared of catching the virus, I just fell right back into overthinking any symptom I have, even if it’s just a short pain in the neck or whatever (you know, things that one usually brushes off). When my life was busier, I was MUCH better at handling those thoughts. Most of the time, they didn’t even come up in first place. Sitting inside and avoiding contact 99,9% of all times, and having little to no actual distraction („reading/watching movies“ doesn’t help me personally, it does’t occupy my mind enough, I usually just stare right through the pages/screen), however, leaves FAR too much time for the thoughts to unfold, once they come up.

This subtle but lingering concern for my health puts my body into a permanent state of anxiety once more. Fight and Flight mode. The pace of my heartbeat is always slightly, but perpetually, increased. It isn’t always outright panic attacks, it’s this constant state of having to be… alert. Something MIGHT happen, y’know. Be prepared. Relaxing and doing nice things becomes almost impossible. Instead, I get tired and exhausted. Depressed, even. It sucks the joy right out of me. I feel like living under a glass dome. I see what’s happening around me but I am unable to connect, emotionally. People keep living their lives and I can watch them, but I can’t be a part of it. It’s a deeply crushing feeling. I manage to somehow function but I don’t really feel alive. My abandonment issues and fear of „getting left behind“ kicked in again, too. I want to catch up and take part but can’t so I stress myself over THAT, too. This only adds to the exhaustion and makes me feel even more isolated.  

Hello, vicious circle, my old friend.

I didn’t even realize that I had such huge potential to fall right back into it. It all started… I dunno, by mid/end of January?? It’s a bit blurry this time. It is directly connected to Germany’s recent lockdown, though. A massive case of Not Knowing How Things Will Turn Out. I failed to take better care of myself in the past few weeks. And now I’m here. AGAIN. Ugh.

But well, as I said, it’s not as bad and, as I said, I have at least learned some important things over the years. In this particular case of intrusive thoughts, the first rule is: NEVER GOOGLE SYMPTOMS. And never google shit like „chances to survive (whatever illness think you have at the time)“, either. The mind longs for reassurance but googling symptoms is BAD, as we all know by now. It’s not even reassuring when you do it. Because you’ll inevitably end up diving through the vast internet for HOURS, picking up an entry that some person named Kevin made on a cancer forum way back in 2004, saying that his uncle died the next day after finding out he has cancer and that is, OF COURSE, what will happen to YOU, too. There is no other way. YOU WILL DIE.

Excuse the text walls. I took an opportunity to ramble about my own experience, for the first time ever since it happened (not including the few short talks I had with the few people I met on internet forums).

To anyone who made it this far: Thank you so much for reading. It sure felt good to write this down for once, even if it’s just a short summary (yes, really, I mean, we’re talking six-ish months here), and the descriptions fall woefully short. If anyone affected by the same happens to read this -  I am so, SO sorry you are suffering so much. You are NOT alone and you are NOT weird. Talk to someone. Open up. To your doctor, or you therapist, if you have one. To a person you trust. It is the worst but there are ways, there is help. I wish I had known at the time it started for me.

You know now. :)

P.S.: DON’T FUCKING GOOGLE:

[pastelastronomy24]

Noted

College!Chris Evans x POC! Plus Size!Reader

(College!CEvans x POC!Plus Size!Reader)

A/N: ah yes! My first CEvans fic. I just love the idea of Chris being a goof in college. He’s so cute lmao. Anyways this started off as a joke. My best friend Aliana found the picture below from an insta post about Chris in “The Perfect Score” and then when I said the prompt she gave was like actually pretty good she said I had no choice but to write it 🤷🏾‍♀️ I took some liberties with the prompt but I think y’all will still like it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

‘A common misconception is that JFK was the civil rights president, when in fact it was LBJ. JFK only brought up civil rights because his brother Robert pushed for more civil rights issues to.....’

Furious was the hand that held the pen, and you were that hand. History was a pretty standard subject, you had your opinions but didn’t want to risk upsetting the less... melanin-ated people of your class. Honestly you weren’t really focused on the subject, it was all about your notes.

You may have not been an academic scholar but god damn could you write the hell out of some notes. The way your various colored gel pens came together to create an easy to follow and organized masterpiece was the essential key to you passing this class. Honestly if you weren’t such an amazing note taker you would have been fucked.

‘Alright, don’t forget to read pages 165 to 210 by Friday. Tomorrow we’ll talk about the Kennedy Assassinations. Yes, Assassinations PLURAL’

With a deep sigh you closed your notebook and threw your gel pens into your pencil bag. You were about to put your (godly) notes into your bag when you felt a tap on your shoulder.

When you looked up, you were met with a smile and “hey” from a boy who screamed ‘boy next door who pretends to be a pool boy to fuck the cougar from next door’

“Uh hey? You’re Chris right?” His eyes lit up in shock. You assumed it was probably because 1). He’s never talked to you a day in his life 2). He’s never been awake a day in this class.

“Oh...yeah I’m Chris. Listen can I ask you somethin” the second thing you noticed about Chris besides his charming aura, was his thick accent. You wanted to say it was maybe a New York or Bostonian one, but you couldn’t quite place it. You quirked your eyebrows at the sound of his request. He’d walked up to you all confident but he seemed unsure all of a sudden.

“Sure, whats up??” Chris scratched the back of his neck and a boyish grin appeared on his face.

“So.. I uh, I heard you were like the master at taking notes. And well, our Professor says if I don’t start paying attention she’s gonna fail me. So I was wondering if you would ya know, let me see your notes. That way, I can compromise. I could still pass, and do my thing ya know?”

I mean, you had to laugh. You couldn’t hold in your chuckle, looking up at Chris whose grin went from boyish to confused. He laughed out of awkwardness and confusion while you put your notes in your backpack and stood up. You had to look up at him as his stature dwarfed you.

“No.” You stated simply before attempting to walk away. Chris quickly grabbed your arm before you could get too far.

“Awe come on!! Look, I really need your help to pass and I don’t have any other options. I’m too far behind for tutoring and everyone else even says you have the best notes. I’ll even pay you! Name your price.” You looked up at him, and I mean really looked up at him, analyzing his pale blue eyes and pink lips drowning in panic before you sighed.

“Alright fine. But I don’t trust people with my notes, so if we do this I’m gonna be there and I’ll help you organize and copy them by hand. You can pay me 10$, I’m not gonna bleed you dry just because you’re struggling.” The load of stress had been lifted off of Chris’s shoulders as he thanked you profusely and began to walk away. You shook your head, slapping the palm of your hand on your face before yelling out his name. You laughed as he stopped abruptly and turned around jogging back to you.

“Oh uh, whats up? Did I forget something?” You nodded a slight smile on your face. It seemed hard not to smile at the bumbling dummy.

“You don’t know my name, how to contact me, or when and where we’re gonna do this Chris”

He looked genuinely dumbfounded, but before you could speak you began filling in the missing information

“ I’m Y/N, here’s my phone so you can give me your number, and we should start tomorrow after class. I guess the Starbucks or Library could work.” Chris paused while typing in his number to look at you.

“Well see, I was wondering if we could do it at my dorm because well, I’m really hyper and public places make it hard for me to concentrate. I’m afraid we won’t be able to get anything done I have the attention span of a peanut, and I don’t want you to get mad at me.” For the millionth time that day you sighed.

“Okay I guess. Your dorm tomorrow after class. Buy a big notebook. You have a lot of work to do. “

And thus a routine had started. Everyday for the past month you and Chris would saunter off to his dorm and spend hours copying notes and helping him make sense of them before guest hours were over. The first week and a half really tested your patience as Chris really did have the attention span of a peanut if not worse. You helped him concentrate (mostly by threatening to leave if he didn’t stop “going to the bathroom” and “getting something to drink”.) and he mellowed out after awhile. You couldn’t quite place when it happened, but you and Chris had become sort of like close friends. Chris had some crazy magnetic energy that made you always want to be around him but never be able to stand him. It was a friendship forged in fire (well, gel pens).

“Hey y/n, we’re gonna have to adjust our study location today” Chris jogged up to your table where you had just finished zipping up your backpack. He grabbed your bag and slung it over his shoulder like he’d gotten used to doing for the last few weeks (he may have been a big oaf, but he was a sweetheart. He would deny it every time, telling you not to call him a sweetheart for being a decent human being but you digress.) You paused and looked at Chris confused.

“Yeah my roommate just got this girl and they’ve been going at it like cats in heat. I mean they’ve really been fuc-“

“Okay Chris I get it. “ You choked on your laughter. “I was thinking we could start studying at your dorm instead since I’m not sure when they’re gonna let up”. You shrugged “I mean I guess, but you sure you don’t want to do it a Starbucks? We have a shit ton of notes today and I know how sleepy and restless you can get.” He shook his head vigorously. “Nah Y/N it should be fine, plus you know how I am in public spaces, we’ll never finish even with all the coffee in the world.” You sighed and nodded. He was right, the poor baby couldn’t concentrate in public to save his life. It’s probably why he slept so much and zoned out during class.

“Yeah love, you’re probably right. Lemme text my roommate and tell her. Make sure she knows we’ll try to be out of her way.”

You texted Valeria, you best friend and roommate about the situation.

Of course the first thing her little messy ass had to say was ‘oh the hot one who looks at you like you’re the moon to his stars?? I’m cool with that.’ You groaned in irritation which prompted Chris to try and sneak a peek at your text. You snatched the phone away from his view before he could see it.

“Heyyy!” He tried again and you shoved his shoulder.

“ ‘Heeyyy’ nothin! Get your nosey ass away from my phone!” You giggled, and Chris couldn’t help but do the same. It seemed like nowadays your laughs and smiles were infectious to each other. “What?! I’m just trying to see what Val said! That’s my -what do you call it?- oh yeah that’s my dawg!” He was grinning like the shit eater he was as you looked at him dumbfounded.

“Absolutely not. I don’t ever want to hear you say that shit again.” He threw his head back in fake annoyance as you continued walking towards your dorm.

“Awe come onnnn! You say it all the time. Maybe it’s only cool when you say it. “ you chuckled and reached over to pinch his cheek. He whined and swatted your hand away.

“Awe! Little Evans wants to sound like me. That’s so cuteee!” It was Chris’s turn to shove your shoulder. He almost made you tumble over, but he caught you by the waist and steadied your balance. “Ugh Y/N don’t do that you know that’s not what I meant! Sometimes you just say stuff and it’s kinda... it’s kinda cool ya know? Like the way you talk.” As you continued your trek towards your dorm, he kept his hand on the side of your waist very lightly. “All I’m hearing right now, is that you wanna be like me, and that’s all I’m acknowledging.” Chris threw his head down in defeat knowing that if he kept going you’d keep embarrassing you. You were on him like white on rice with the comebacks at all times.

“Yeah whatever. You continue to have selective hearing if you want to, but it’ll get you nowhere.“ He shrugged as you used your key card to get into the lobby of your dorm. You both flashed the front desk your key cards before signing in and approaching the elevator.

“After you, my favorite note taker” Chris ushered you into the elevator while you rolled your eyes. “I’m your only note taker. You don’t even take notes dingus. That’s why we’ve been doing this for two and a half months.” You told Chris to press the button to the 5th floor then he leaned back against the corner of the elevator while you stood beside him.

“That doesn’t mean you’re not my favorite note taker.” He reached over to boop your nose, and you scrunched it up in response. “You know what? I don’t like you” You poked his chest and all he did was smile while leaning closer to you. “That’s cool. You don’t have to like the people you love anyways.” You stood wide mouthed and shocked, but before you could retort the elevator doors opened and Chris began walking away.

“Come on Y/N it’s hot as shit and you said we have a lot of work to do.” You reluctantly stepped out of the elevator and found Chris, stepping ahead to lead him to your room. “Welcome, to the most comfortable place on earth.” You very dramatically threw your arms in the air to get him to marvel at your room. It was a good thing you’d cleaned it up earlier in the week (it was a disaster before). Chris walked around looking at the various nerdy posters you had on your wall and the pictures of friends on your desk while you went to turn on your fairy lights for better lighting. When you finished, you turned around to see Chris splayed across your bed and you scoffed. “At least you’re considerate enough to keep your dirty ass shoes off my white marble comforter. It would have been a shame if I had to end you today.” He sat up and reached for your arm, pulling you with him to sit down on your bed.

“It’s because I’m nice like that. You’re welcome.” You ignored the cheesey smile on his face while he passed you your backpack so you could get your galaxy spiral note book. Chris reached into his bag and did the same pulling out the notebook he bought to match yours (more receipts to prove that he wanted to be like you). “Shush. Your mouth wastes time and I don’t wanna hear you complaining to me when it’s twelve years later and we’re still organizing and going over these notes.” You pulled out your gel pens and the work began.

Three hours. Three whole hours. That’s how long you and Chris had been organizing his notes before he tapped out. “Good god I’m fucking wiped OUT!” Chris exclaimed. He threw his pencil down and plopped his head down on your thick thigh. “Y/NNN, can we please take a break?? I’m dyin over here. My hand has never cramped harder in my life!” He looked up at you with pleading eyes and a pout. He was a human puppy dog. You couldn’t deny that the action had caused a heat to rise in your cheeks and your heart to flutter, but you played it off, amused at his exasperation. “Fine! Your whining has won me over. And you’re also right we need a break. But I get to pick the show!” Chris did a little victory fist pump in the air and you patted his head. He jumped up and sauntered over to the pantry, looking through it before pulling out two bags of Extra Butter Movie Theater Popcorn and a bowl. While he put the first bag in the microwave, you got up and looked in the fridge, pulling out two bottles of Mountain Dew.

You walked over to your TV and turned it on grabbing your Roku remote. “Hey Chris, since you think the way I talk is so ‘cool’ I’m making you watch The Boondocks.” You yelled over to him while he poured the popcorn into the bowl and walked over to you. Your TV was placed purposely in front of your bed, so you both popped up on it, with Chris getting comfortable on the corner of the wall that the bed touched and you sitting crisscross besides him. “Here” you handed him his drink and he said thank you before placing the popcorn bowl in your lap. “Okay so The Boondocks is probably the best cartoon made in television history. And I know that sounds dramatic but it’s true.” You looked over to see Chris laughing quietly. “I trust your opinion. You’ve never been wrong before. “ he shrugged and you shook your head in agreement. “You’re damn right. I’m glad we’re on the same page.” You hovered the remote over to the first episode titled “The Garden Party” and clicked play. “We’re only gonna watch THREE episodes before we get back to work okay??” Chris smacked his teeth and tossed his head on your shoulder. “That’s lame. What if I really like it?!” You pushed his heavy head off of you playfully. “What’s lame is you failing class when I’m supposed to be helping you do the opposite. We can finish it another time fool.” You vaguely heard him say ‘alright alright’ before the familiar theme song came on, you silently rapping along.

When you got to episode 2 “The Trial of Robert Kelly” Chris was dying laughing. When Huey got to his speech he was aggressively clapping, while you were aggressively pointing at the screen hollering “THATS WTF IM TALKIN ABOUT!! LET EM’ KNOW HUEY”. By episode 3, you and Chris were fighting to stay awake. Somehow, your head had drifted onto his chest, and his arm had shifted to around your waist. Your legs had been comfortably strewn on top of each other as you listened to Granddads crazy girlfriend drone on. You didn’t make it to episode 4.

You woke up before he did, groggy and confused. Your eyes were still closed as you tried to shift around only to be met with resistance. You felt a tightening around your waist as a still sleeping Chris pulled you closer into his body, nuzzling is face into your neck. “Oh shit...” you whispered, your eyes no longer closed and in fact, wide ass open. “Chris. Chrissss. CHRIS!!” Chris shot up involuntarily tightening his hold on you before looking down into your concerned face.

“Shiiiit. Y/N what time is it.” You searched the side of the bed for your phone before turning it on and checking the time. It was 7:46 A. M. “Oh fuck! We didn’t finish the notes!! Oh fuck Chris we slept past guest visitor time! How imma sneak you out?! Oh god I don’t wanna be the reason why you fail and get kicked out! I’m gonna lose my closest friend because I-”

“Hey wait...” Chris placed his hand under your chin and pulled you into him, looking up and down your face with hooded lids. All you could focus on, was him. The way his lashes brushed his freckle dusted cheek. The way is eyes peered at you mixed with a haze of sleepiness and something else more intense. “ Y/N look at me... everything is gonna be okay, I promise...” The room, the air, the god damn particles around you stilled. It was like all of time froze except for you and Chris.

You didn’t remember you had the ability to breathe until he licked his lips and leaned towards you, pulling you closer, completely halting your ability to breathe. Your lips intertwined in a soft battle of heat and passion. It was slow and intimate, you didn’t know you could muster up so much passion in a kiss. Before you knew it, Chris gripped your left thigh and swung it over the other side of him making you straddle his waist. The pillows of his lips never stopped their assault and only got more aggressive as he palmed your ass. Your body felt hot, and you NEEDED more. You rutted your core against Chris’s lap causing him to pull on your bottom lip with his teeth and smack your large thigh.

“Don’t play with the fire if you can’t put it out.” He groaned out, his voice strained as you both breathed heavily. You moved your lips down to his neck and began to nip and suck softly before smiling into his neck. “When have you ever known me to be afraid of the fire?” You heard the sharp intake of his breath before he flipped you over, slamming your back into your bed. Chris placed soft kisses all over your face making you giggle before he continued his tirade on your mouth. Maybe Chris was a good kisser. Actually, a phenomenal kisser. You gripped the back of his neck, your hands tangled in the nape of his hair. Chris’s hands were inside of your shirt feeling on your soft stomach before you both heard the snap of a camera. You both jumped up at the intrusion and sat up, banging your foreheads together on accident.

“Ahh shit!! Fuck!!” “God damn it! Fuck!” You and Chris both exclaimed as you heard the culprit, your roommate Valeria, laughing hysterically. You groaned rubbing your head and shot her the dirtiest look you could muster.

“HA! You got mad at me for saying he looked at you like you were the moon and stars in the sky, but you’re borderline fucking AND he stayed past guest hours!” You threw your head back on your pillow while closing your eyes and sighing. You could feel the pressure and warmth of Chris’s body leave you as he got up to sit on the edge of the bed.

“Val!! How’s it going big dawg?!” Valeria cringed and shook her head. She approached Chris and pat his head. “Hey Chris I think you’re great, but I don’t ever want to hear you say that again okay?” Chris grumbled an ‘okay’ and despite everything you couldn’t help but laugh.

“Anyways you guys can continue doing the do. I actually came in here to ask how note taking was last night, but I see it was pretty good.” Valeria winked before shuffling to the door and closing it, cackling after she closed it. Before you could even process what had just happened Chris took your chubby cheeks into your hand and rubbed his thumb along your bottom lip.

“Hey Y/N... you know how Val said I look at you like the moon and the stars?” He trailed off and his eyes darted down to your lips. All you could do was nod, too entranced in the way his lips moved and the shine in his eyes.

“Well, she’s not wrong. I don’t know exactly when, but for awhile you’ve been the sun and moon and the stars and everything in between. And god, every time you smile I wanna kiss you until my smile becomes as bright. Every time you laugh I can’t help but join in, because even when it sounds like a Windex spray bottle it’s the only sound I wanna hear.” You softly smacked his chest and buried your head in his neck running your hand down his chest.

“I love the way your cheeks puff up when you get irritated at me, and the way you look at me when you have no idea what the fuck I’m trying to say.” some how, you moved impossibly closer into his neck.

“You gonna let me take you out some time doll?” Chris sounded so soft and unsure of himself. It reminded you of the first time you’d ever talked to him. When he didn’t know you knew his name. You rose up from his neck and placed a long soft kiss on his pink lips.

“Of course Chris. I can’t say no to my favorite note copier.” Your foreheads pressed against each other and you both stayed completely still, trying to make the moment last. Chris moved first, taking his forehead off of you to place a kiss on top of your head and pull you into his embrace.

“I’m your only note copier.” He couldn’t help himself. You both started to giggle into each other.

“And it’s gonna stay like that. Just like I’m gonna be your only note taker.” Chris squeezed you tighter and pulled you into his lap, placing one last kiss on your curls.

“Noted.”

————————————-

Bloop! I’m finished. This took all day man yeesh. Anyways y’all know I’m a slut for comments so please for your favorite comment starved plus size POC writter, leave a comment.

Taglist

@thequeerishere555 @willowtree42095 @tessathedragon @nina-sj @noire-griot @canumoveurseatup-no @thememoireeofme @overlordred @l-auteuse @bugngiz @mejustme06 @nonsensicalmetwhimsical @issa-blak @steveslulbaby

(Sorry some of the tags dont work)

[dahvangogh]

Enchanted

Sitting at the bench, scarf and coat tight around her, Eleonora Sava calmly waited for her friends.

The bell had just rung, clear signal that the break started now and students could leave their classes.

She had went to a doctors appointment earlier and arrived around five minutes ago, opting to not go to class for just 5 minutes of lesson and just sit there to wait.

Eleonora saw a few students go out to the playground, chatting and eating sandwiches. Nothing new. But then she saw Giovanni Garau leaning on a tree in front of her with his arms crossed around his chest and her attention was all on him.

Eva had been talking about him this past weeks non stop. It seemed Sofia l’Argentina and Giovanni had started dating and a very curious Eva asked Gio about it, which ended with very nasty looks thrown by Sofia to Eva and whispering all the time with her friends whenever Eva was around.

Sofia was probably jealous, or cautious, about Eva approaching Giovanni.

Eleonora didn’t understand why though, after all if they were dating that meant that they felt something for each other. Just because Eva was Gio’s ex didn’t mean anything.

She had voiced her thoughts about it with the girls, but most of them didn’t agree with her. Silvia said that it was normal, that probably Sofia feared Eva would steal her boyfriend.

You can’t steal someone, people are human beings with feelings anymore and thoughts. It’s not like Giovanni is a toy and Eva is going to steal it, Silvia! she had refuted what her friend had said, but Sana was also with Silvia on this.

The brunette blinked a few times and sighed, not because Giovanni was now fully making out with her girlfriend against the tree, but because her friends were late.

As usual, nothing new.

Her attention was still on the affectionate couple, clearly very into each other, and her mind started working further than she would have wanted.

Relationships.

Love.

It looked nice to have someone to hug, talk and love. Relationships seemed hard to her, for almost all boys she had met only wanted sex and nothing else, but she had always been a romantic girl.

When Eleonora had been 13, she had idealized this popular boy at her old school. Every girl was in love with him back then, and she had also been star struck. One day he had also looked back when she was admiring him from afar, smiled and winked at her. Later that day, he had asked her on a date and she had happily accepted.

She had thought that would be the first of many dates to come, that he would be her boyfriend and her his girlfriend.

Oh, how wrong had she been!

He took her to his house, they watched the Blair Witch movie and had sex on his sofa. She didn’t even enjoy the sex, but still thought that it meant something for the both of them.

Next day at school when she tried to approached him, he was making out with some other girl.

The same happened the next days but with different girls.

It had made her feel stupid, weak and pathetic. She had cried almost all that week after that, then she came to the conclusion that he had dumped her because she was not pretty enough or good enough. All those girls were tall, skinny and pretty.

She didn’t see herself as that at all.

So she almost starved herself to death, working out every day and trying stupid diets that she found online or in books at the library. It only ended when one day she fainted in front of Filippo, who took her to the Hospital and stayed with her while she was hospitalized.

For a whole month.

Eleonora chewed her lower lip while remembering, after all those memories would always haunt her. How stupid and naive she had been back then, all for a boy who wasn’t worthy.

“Hello, beautiful.”

She almost jumped from the bench, Eleonora had been so immersed on her thoughts that she had not seen the tall boy standing besides her bench, facing her with a goofy smile.

Edoardo was smiling while looking at her. That damned smile put together with a leather jacket and those messy curls, he looked ugly to her.

Very ugly.

Not handsome, charming and irresistible at all.

She rolled her eyes and sighed as an answer, clearly not interested in him.

He gave a throaty laugh at her antics, still staring at her with shiny eyes and soft smile.

“What do you want, Eduardo?” her voice all tense, trying to keep her cool.

“A date.”

She laughed, but no humor was behind it.

“Not gonna happen.”

Edoardo nodded, his lips curling his lips in a childish way. Not cool at all.

“Eleonora, I believed we talked about this back at your friends birthday party. And…”

She huffed.

“Eduardo, it’s been what? Three months since that? I’m sure there are some other girls out there who would love that, but not me.” she looked up, for he was taller than her and her sitting position didn’t help much with this. “Give up already.”

He just stared at her, their eye battle almost leaving her breathless with its intensity. She couldn’t figure out all those emotions she saw on his face, his jaw clenched and lips pursed.

Then he surprised her by kneeling at her side, as close as possible, stare not dropping.

“I won’t give up. It’s not about my damned ego if that is what you think.” he gave a small smile. “Is it that hard to believe that i’m completely bewitched by you?”

“Body and soul? Who are you, Mr. Darcy?” she tried not to smile, as hard as possible, but a small one appeared on her red lips. “Please, try not to copy great characters. That won’t change my perception of you, Eduardo.”

He laughed softly, clearly understanding the reference.

“Enchanted.” his smile was so soft, her heart almost did a somersault right there because of it. “You have enchanted me. It’s not only how about how beautiful you are, because you are are fucking beautiful. But there is more, much more. And I just want to know you better.”

She had been left breathless.

Boys like Edoardo Incanti broke hearts wherever they went, she had already experienced that years ago and Silvia was almost obsessed with him.

This couldn’t end well.

But he was looking at her like that, with that soft smile, all full of charm and wittiness. Eyes only on her almost everyday, no matter how much she ignored him, if she looked just once back his attention was full on her.

He truly seemed interested in her.

“I—“

“Edoardo!?”

They both looked behind, the Le Matte standing behind them with curiosity all over their faces.

Silvia was smiling and her eyes shined with expectation, almost not even paying attention to Eleonora sitting there. The others were almost analyzing the whole picture, not awestruck or infatuated as Silvia was of Edoardo.

“Ele?” Eva asked worried, or curious, but Eleonora only payed attention to Silvia.

Silvia, who had been hurt and used by him. Her dear friend, who was naive and too good, but so loving and supporting of her.

Endless messages and video chats while she was studying abroad in Manchester, who almost everyday told her how much she missed her or how she had saw something that remembered of her.

Her Silvia.

Eleonora’s eyes felt moist, tears ready to start falling down her cheeks.

She felt like the worst person ever.

Perhaps Edoardo saw it in her eyes, the shame and guilt, or how tensed her body got.

But she noticed him standing, all cool and poised, facing her friends.

“Hey there, Friday night, party at my house. You are all invited.”

Federica laughed happily while Sana smiled at Silvia, who seamed on the verge of squealing out loud.

“We will come, of course we will go!” she answered quickly.

“Fuck yeah, I need a good party after studying too much.” Fede said, nodding to what she had said.

“What study are you talking about? You have flunked your two exams.” Sana tried hard to suppress her laugh.

“That’s because of the teachers, they asked things we didn’t even cover at class! How could I have known that crap?!”

Silvia laughed almost too quickly.

“We will be there, don’t mind them. See you, Edoardo!”

He might have nodded, or perhaps said something, but Eleonora didn’t pay much attention to him.

Edoardo left, heard her friends biding him goodbye, but her undivided attention wasn’t on him at all.

Only on Silvia.

She was smiling so bright.

The guilt of what she had felt while her friend was oblivious to everything and then seeing her all happy, about Edoardo personally inviting her to the his party, it was too much.

Eleonora Sava felt bad, probably the worst she had felt in a long long time. She was a shitty friend.

Federica and Silvia quickly sat besides her while Sana and Eva stood in front of them, clearly exited about the party.

“Ele, did she ask for me?” Silvia asked excited.

She snapped out of her daydream when she heard her name called.

All the girls looking at her, expectation and curiosity in the air.

“Err… he asked where my friends were and said something about the party?” she babbled quickly, smiling at Silvia and the others.

They kept chatting and making plans about Friday night, but she didn’t care at all about the stupid party.

Her feelings were a mess, she was a mess.

She felt a hand on her shoulder, worry all over Eva’s face. The red hair knew her too well.

You okay? her friend mouthed.

She nodded, giving her a sort of convincing smile. Probably Eva would ask her about it later on, but not in front of the others. She wouldn’t put her under the focus of such a delicate matter as Edoardo Incanti while the others were there.

Her phone vibrated on her coat’s left pocket, Eleonora took it out and checked it.

A message on WhatsApp.

She didn’t even have to unlock her phone, the notification displayed the message right there.

I meant it, Eleonora.

By fucking Edoardo Incanti.

And that’s it, pretty crappy but I needed some Incantava content because the fandom is clearly starving so I said fuck it, I will write it myself lmao. Hope you all liked it and sorry for any typos, wrote it too quickly!

[mysticmessheadcanons]

Hello~! Am I able to request a RFA + (Saeran + Vanderwood) HC for MC who doesn't want kids? Its a HC I don't really see done & I'd love to see your take on an MC who just doesn't want kids lol. Thank you ~ (^♡^)/

me lmao

I will make it like the moment when MC tells them that she doesn’t want kids

YOOSUNG 

he is all for a family and kids 

so he is excited to be with you 

maybe his dreams will come true with you 

so you two reach that moment at your relationship when people start to ask about marriage and kids 

but that is something you two never actually talked about 

you made clear that you didn’t liked kids at all 

not like other girls who loved to play with little kids on the park 

you always were uncomfortable around kids 

so one day Saeyoung asked you two about this 

“You guys are going to have kids soon? Yoosung you are getting older” 

and at that moment you decided to tell him 

so you go with him outside 

“Yoosung… you know that well… people have been asking us about a lot of things”

“Yes, I know. I guess we’re getting older haha” 

“Yeah.. Well we actually never talked about this… you know, marriage and kids and a plan for the future. I know we were young but we are not as young now” 

“You want to talk now? I mean I want to marry you but… this is a bit embarrassing, but I don’t got a ring now” 

“Don’t worry about that, I can wait a bit more haha. Is about kids actually”

“Oh, I guess we’re still young for kids… but thinking about it I got a stable job so you do, and we can get a house…” 

“Well I’m not so sure. All my teenage years I didn’t liked kids, but I thought it was something temporal, but now… I am don’t think I want kids” 

he’s in shock 

like half of his life is gone 

of course he want kids 

but if he can’t have them with you is totally useless

“So… we are not going to have kids” 

he says to himself 

trying to process this 

“I’m sorry” 

“No MC, don’t be. Of course I wanted kids but this is something we have to decide together. And if you don’t want them I can’t force you” 

“Yoosung…” 

“Is fine, I guess it will take me a time to analyze this but I am sure that we will be very happy without kids” 

ZEN 

he’s an actor 

so he is busy 

most of the time he comes home late 

or leave for days 

so kids are not in the conversation 

you are 99.9% sure he wants them 

most men wants kids 

but you are not into ruining your body and spending the rest of your life as a wife and mother 

you want to live 

you want a life were you can follow your loved one and do fun things 

without caring 

you like kids but not to spend time with them 

your friend’s kids love you and you love them 

but you only play with them for max two hours

anyway you haven’t told this to Zen since he’s so busy is almost impossible to have kids now 

so you are kind of relaxed 

but one day Zen comes home late 

and you were waiting for him to eat 

“MC, today was so fun. Some kids were at the set and they were totally fun” 

“I’m glad you had a good time” 

“That made me think…”

“About?”

“ours… You know, kids” 

and you almost died 

spilled the juice 

“Is everything okay MC?” 

of course you weren’t expecting this topic to come so soon 

“Yes… I just…” 

“don’t worry. I know I am busy, we don’t need kids now” 

“now… ha” 

“huh?” 

“Zen… sorry. I don’t think I can be a mother.” 

“Why not? I’m sure you will be a great mother” 

“I know I can be a good mother, but I can’t be a mother. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life raising a kid. Trapped in the house…” 

“Oh…” 

“I’m sorry, but I want to be more. I want to see the world and be by your side. not feeding a child without you because you are going to be working” 

“It doesn’t have to be like that…” 

“I know some families travel and do a lot of stuff… but without kids I can take more risks and be wild… I want to live a life I won’t regret” 

he laughs 

doesn’t look mad at all 

almost like he was expecting this 

smiles at you and takes your hand 

“Is okay… I guess I should have known this. No need to apologize, I will love you no matter what”

JAEHEE

you two never said a thing about kids 

and by the time you were really busy with the coffee shop

of course there was no time for even talking about it 

and even less time when a party was close 

your life were a mess 

but a nice mess since you were doing what you loved 

anyway one day you saw a couple with two little kids 

they were buying a cake 

and you thought of it 

maybe she wanted kids 

and it would be really mean not to tell her and waste her time if she really wanted them 

so you waited for your next free day 

you wanted to have a real talk about it 

is not just something you can tell in the middle of work 

so you made her a picnic 

“MC, why you wanted to have a picnic? We could have eat at the house or the café” 

“I actually wanted to talk about something” 

“Okay… then go ahead” 

“Please listen before you say anything”

“Okay” 

“You know I love you, way too much and I will do almost anything for you. And I want to marry you one day, but that almost excludes one thing… And I am really sorry if this is what you want but I can’t… I won’t have kids, and this may sound a bit… harsh but is just the way I feel, and I don’t want them.” 

she looked at you for solid five minutes

no words 

just looking 

poker face 

and by this moment you were sure she wanted kids 

and that she was going to break up with you 

but she smiled

“Hahaha, MC… I have no problem with that. I don’t want kids too, you didn’t needed this much preparation to tell me. But that marriage thing… haha I will be expecting that” 

JUMIN 

Jumin is an special person 

and you love him the way he is 

thats why you married him in almost no time of knowing him 

and is been a couple months now 

everything is totally fine 

and you love him even more everyday 

is like a dream 

all the evenings drinking wine with him 

sleeping by his side 

is perfect

and you don’t want anything else 

not a thing 

so kids are not in your mind 

having a kid would change this 

and you don’t want to be responsible for other life 

but one day Jumin comes home 

looking specially excited about something 

“Why you look so happy Jumin?”

“I saw a kid today, one of my employees has one. And this kid was totally intelligent, and saw a photo of Elizabeth and started to show me his cat”

“Haha so cute” 

“Yes, and now I think we should have a kid. Now” 

“now?” 

that was… exactly something Jumin would do 

you were a bit shocked 

not only for realizing he wanted kids 

but also because he wanted them now 

“Why not? I can pay for anything a child needs” 

“Well… is not that. I just don’t think I want one… not like now, more like just don’t want them. I mean, I have everything I need with me, I have you, health and Elizabeth” 

he started to think 

looking down like putting all your words together 

“are you sure you don’t want them?” 

“yes, sure” 

“How about cats?” 

“Maybe we can get a cat, so Elizabeth doesn’t feel lonely” 

“Okay :)”

SAEYOUNG 

he is afraid of having a family

he doesn’t want a disaster like his own family 

so he doesn’t talk about it 

nothing about kids 

and you don’t do it too 

since is a sensitive topic 

is like a taboo in the house 

and Saeran knows it too

but nothing is said until one day 

you two were out on a date 

and this old lady came to you 

smiling 

“You two are such a nice couple, your babies would be so good looking”

then left 

it was weird 

and you two were in shock 

Saeyoung looked at you 

“Ha… she said babies, our babies” 

“yep, she did” 

and nothing more was said that day 

it was until the next morning  when the topic came out again 

you were laying in bed 

nota wanting to wake up yet

so was Saeyoung 

“You know… that lady made me think”

“think about what” 

“I have never talked about… that” 

“Saeyoung, you don’t have too” 

“but I do, is important. I guess our relationship is going well and… this things happen. We have to talk about it” 

“okay…” 

“you know how fucked up is my family, and how fucked up I am.”

“too many fucked up things, I get it” 

“haha sorry, but I mean, we’re basically messed up, and you must be too since you are here. So is a complication, and my job… well I can be at home most of the time but is not a nice job you want to teach your kids.” 

“yeah…” 

“I don’t really know what you think… but I think we are doing fine now” 

“Saeyoung, you know I will support anything you do or think… well mostly anything. So if you don’t want kids is okay, I actually never thought much of it, but I am truly happy now, I don’t think a baby would make me feel better to be honest. You know that they cry and poop haha”

“maybe we can get a cat?” 

“Oh no, not cats. I won’t let a poor little cat to be in your abuser hands” 

SAERAN

he has dreams of having a family with you 

but that is far from his reality 

he knows that he may not be stable 

even when he has been doing fine 

he doesn’t want a kid to see its father having his problems

so one day he comes to you to ask you 

“Do you think I would be a good father?” 

your face is… blank 

you smile sadly at him 

“I think you will be a great father. But… I am afraid I could not give you that”

“why?” 

“I don’t want a child, sorry. Is… more that I can handle, I am not good with keeping little things alive and… kids are a big deal” 

“oh…” 

he’s a bit sad but is like destiny 

but at the same time is like letting a weight out of his shoulders 

he was afraid you would want a family 

and that he could ruin your family 

so knowing that you don’t want a kid is like being free 

he will still dream about a little MC or little him 

but dreams are short and a kid is going to be forever

so he is totally fine with that 

“Okay, we can be together anyways, so I am fine”

VANDERWOOD

kids are a big step

more like a whole stair 

and his job at the agency was making it difficult 

so being how he is he came with the question to you 

“Do you think having kids is a good idea?” 

you were shocked

when did your relationship became this far?

talking about kids? 

“Kids… well, I guess your job is complicated so…” 

“I know” 

“And they are messy…”

“and smell” 

“and poop a lot” 

“You are saying that you don’t want kids, MC?” 

“I don’t know… I guess I haven’t thought of it enough. Mostly every women want kids” 

“You are not like every women” 

“Yeah… I don’t want kids” 

“Fine, because I don’t like them anyways” 

—–

im sorry bc I should have answered this like… really long ago lol

[purplesurveys]

897

Gonna take some liberties with bold surveys and elaborate on the ones I feel like talking about, regardless if it’s true or false; and I’ll leave blank the ones I don’t feel like touching on. You're nineteen and a vegetarian. I am three years older and eat meat almost everyday. You've been a vegetarian for over a year. You don't like John Lennon. It’s not that I don’t like him; I just don’t have an opinion on him. Of course what happened to him is very unfortunate. You are studying Mandarin Chinese. No thanks. You have blue eyes and white hair. Wrong. Dark brown and black, respectively.

People often mistaken you for sixteen or under. A few people would but I get mistaken for 17 or 18 most often. Either way everyone’s always shocked when they find out how old I actually am.

You enjoy reading and mathematics. I like reading. Mathematics not so much. You wish your family was healthier mentally. There are definitely underlying issues in there that most of them do not recognize or bother to do something about, which I find tragic because it just means that it gets passed on to future generations. Your favorite flavour of tea is mint. I mean it’s not that it’s not my favorite. I don’t like tea, period. I do enjoy other mint-flavored stuff though, like chocolate.

You listen to foreign music. Yes. I listen to American music. You watch the anime Naruto Shippuden. Other than Pokemon, I’ve never enjoyed anime. You prefer routine to your day. Yep. I like spontaneity to an extent, but when it comes down to it I find the most comfort in routine. I liked my everyday routine of getting up for school, driving, attending my classes, hanging out at Skywalk, and driving home, as monotonous as it would sound for others. It’s just more comfortable for me when things are predictable. You've never attended a concert. I’m not a big concert-goer but I’ve attended my share. I usually only go for the big acts because they’re the ones most likely to visit the country only once every few years. That being said, I’ve seen Paramore (twice), One Direction, and Coldplay. And it’s not a concert, but I also went to a WWE house show once. You're Chinese. As far as I know, no. But the history of Chinese people in our country is very extensive and I wouldn’t be surprised if I turned out to have like at least 0.6% Chinese ancestry. Your favorite sport is basketball. I tried getting into it at one point because basketball got really popular when I was in high school, but I’ve never understood the rules and as such I only watch games that my university’s team play in. Your favorite basketball team is the Lakers. When I was like, five. My dad bought an NBA game for the PS2 and the Lakers were the strongest team on that game, so solely based on that they became my favorite for a while. You basically want to marry Kobe Bryant. :( I had never felt this way, but it’s sad to come across this question now. You have a Samsung S4. Nope. I’ve never owned a Samsung phone. You hate English quite a lot. My grades in English were always good, but I just didn’t like what the class would take up. I never enjoyed analyzing literary works and cracking hidden meanings and symbolism and interpreting what characters do and say – so even though I’m able to do so, it doesn’t mean I enjoy the subject. You like playing card games. Whenever someone whips out a deck of cards at a party, 9 out of 10 times I’d stand up and move to another crowd. You think people who play League of Legends is stupid. I’m vaguely familiar with that but one thing I won’t do is shame people for what they like to do or play. You are often jealous of anything trying to take something away from you. I wouldn’t say it’s often. The feeling just pops out every now and then, and I wouldn’t describe myself as being jealous all the time. Your parents are scientists. (We are turning out to be nothing alike, my dude.) No, they are both in the hotel and restaurant industry. I secretly feel really bad because their industry is the one being hit the most during this pandemic. I’d love to tell them my concerns just so I can get it out of my system, but we’ve always been secretive with one another. You are really good at physics. I hated physics in high school, but my physics prof in college was very smart, a lot of fun, and made physics easier for me. Ended up getting a 1.00 in his class. You prefer noodles over rice. I love noodles, but no :( I never feel full from noodles and always need rice for me to feel like a meal is complete. You want to own a BMW when you're older. It would be a nice bonus, but I don’t really plan on being picky or too flashy with my cars. You were in choir in high school. I cannot sing. You like spicy food. LOVE them. I don’t have as high of a tolerance as say Koreans or Indians, but I still do like pouring chili oil or hot sauce on my dishes whenever it’s appropriate. You're short compared to your friends. I’m not dramatically short but I am the shortest out of everyone in each of my friend groups. You really like Hello Kitty and try to own a lot of it. Never liked it. I personally never saw the hype or found it adorable, but I do find it cute and fascinating when I encounter people who collect Sanrio things :) Your father is slowly dying. No, he’s in tip top shape fortunately. He plays basketball everyday and will go bike around the neighborhood sometimes. Your mother is studying in a university. She went to college in a university, but she’s not currently taking up a postgrad degree if that’s what you mean. You have a crush on someone who is younger than you. I mean, I guess. Even if she’s only a month and a half younger. You like to eat apples a lot. No fruits for me. I like certain apple-flavored things though, like juice. You've had braces and they were recently taken out. I did have braces but they were taken out around six years ago. You recently decided to have bangs for your hair. Yep and like only seven people got to see it when it was in its best form because the stupid lockdown happened righttt after. I feel like my time with bangs is definitely up but I’m not getting rid of them until I feel that enough people have seen them lmao.  You eat rice at least every other day. Yeah but that’s pushing it. I have it everyday. I need it with every meal unless I was having pasta or something. You live in a huge house. It’s not huge; it’s simple and cozy, large enough for five people. You have multiple strangers living in your house with you. Nope, I live with my family. You got a large amount of Halloween candy last year. I haven’t gone trick or treating in a whiiiiile, but I did have lots of alcohol at my last Halloween hahaha. You are really good at badminton. I’m not really good, but I can hold a racket and return the shuttlecock decently. I haven’t played since the 4th grade but I think I’d be better at it now given my experience with table tennis. You like to watch Asian reality shows. I looooove the Korean reality show Return of Superman. I watch at least one segment everyday even though I’ve seen most of them at least once. You have no siblings. I have two. You hate your name. I used to, because kids tend to be bullies. I kinda love it now. You are very aggressive. I’m more passive-aggressive but I do have my aggressive moments, usually when I’ve absolutely had enough. You overeat a lot and feel very guilty afterwards. I never feel guilty about it. Food makes me happy haha. You are used to being left out. Years and years of being an outcast in school has desensitized me to it. You hate missing the person you care for. I hate it in the sense that I always wish it were easier to be together, not because I’m not supposed to miss her. You are a slow learner. Only when it comes to kinesthetic or more hands-on learning, like how to do origami or crocheting. I can’t think of any one moment that I was able to catch up whenever those kinds of activities were being taught. You don't like your teeth. I hate my front teeth and I hate that I lost my retainers. I’ve said on many occasions that one of the first things I’ll spend on with my salary is to have braces reapplied on my teeth. You have dyed your hair orange before. I haven’t. Your friends think you have a great taste in music. Not really; my friends don’t look at me and think music recommendations. But it’s fine, I never claimed to have cool music taste anyway haha. You would chose food over love anyday. Probably, lol. You often swear too much. Either when I’m by myself or with a crowd that’s comfortable with swearing. You have an older sister. No, I’m the eldest sister. Your mother owns a beautiful car. My parents own beautiful cars. You are only nice to people you trust. I’m nice to everyone, just nicer to those I trust. You like mood rings. You obsess over Candy Crush. I get phases, honestly. Right now I’ve stopped playing. You have an iPad or iPad Mini. We have an iPad but it’s like the 1st- or 2nd-gen model so it’s sorely outdated. I haven’t used it since 2016. You prefer your hair in a ponytail more. Both because of the weather and because I get more compliments when my hair’s tied up in a ponytail

You have very noticable dimples. I get compliments on those, too. My left dimple is more noticeable though; I have to smile bigger if I want my right one to show up. You always use a cute voice with people. Only with my girlfriend, and I don’t use it often. You have a blue bicycle. Part of it is blue, yes.

[1111ljk]

her(series) - 001

count  ➵ 540 words genre  ➵ n/a characters  ➵ taehyung/oc

“She had the strangest little quirks...”

link of all episodes on masterlist!

Taehyung had first met her on a bus on the way to school. She sat by the window, earphones plugged in as she stared calmly outside. Her dark black hair was neatly straightened, makeup not evident enough for it to be seen so it made her look more of a natural beauty, and outfit well-put together with a black turtleneck and a maroon coat.  It would have been a rather picturesque scene had it not been for the big clump of wires tangled with each other at the tip of her earphones and a SNSD keychain that she hung on the strap of her Louis Vuitton bag. It was a mismatching fashion terror, something that he did not expect to come from such a well-dressed young lady. Not to mention, the girl looked rich - what the hell was she doing on a bus? Taehyung was always good at analyzing people based on their outer appearance, but not this one. So, he decided to take a seat next to the strange girl, just to get to know her more, and found out 

instead that he had just made the best decision of his life.

November 2017

Of course, that was nearly two years ago. He and her were inseparable. The man had found himself quite attached to her and her strange ways. She was a biology major, but one that found interest in literature more. She was able to play the piano, but took lessons in guitar beforehand (an instrument she still does not understand how to use). She couldn’t eat spicy food, but could eat spicy ramen for days. Taehyung had also only recently found out that she could dance and had taught herself how to while all this time he only thought she was capable of writing detailed essays. The man couldn’t get enough of her - she was such an enigma that it kept him wanting to know more.

“Thought you would never ever get a boyfriend,” Taehyung teases her, mimicking the way she had phrased the same sentence almost everyday since he met her. Well, everyday until a month ago.

“Shush!” she chuckles, half-blushing, whilst slapping his arm lightly. “This one... treats me well.”

He bursts into laughter, almost spitting out the coke in his mouth, and she glares at him. “What?!” she demands, arms crossing over her chest.

“He calls you ‘ugly’ and has your name saved as ‘piggy’ on his phone!” he retorts, unable to understand her attraction for this sophomore named Jungkook. She and he had started dating a month ago, something that surprised Taehyung (again) as she had vowed never to fall in love. (She believed it was a waste of her time and an unproductive activity and that she should be working to her bones instead.)

She frowns, a tiny cute pout forming on her face as she looks down to the ground. “Well, at least he doesn’t lie! I told you, if any man dared to call me ‘beautiful’, I’ll be sure to never see him again! I don’t date liars.”

Taehyung could only give her a small smile. And perhaps that’s why he would never tell her. Jungkook was a liar.

She was the most beautiful person Taehyung had ever seen.

a/n: HI! so i’ve decided to write a series. well, i’ve just realized i could. i got this idea after watching so many Love Playlist episodes on Youtube that i decided to make one myself with the most fitting BTS member as the lead - TaeTae! Basically, my series will be a bunch of drabbles with a link to each other based around the same two people. Of course, since it’s just about the OC(unnamed) and Taehyung, there is obviously gonna be a plot, but this plot won’t get too deep. Unless of course, I get more ideas. Unfortunately, I don’t even know what I write. That’s probably why I can’t tell myself if Taehyung likes this OC romantically or what lmao. but yes, thank you for reading this rather useless a/n. hope you enjoyed! please do send me some feedback, i like those. 

(11/16/2017)

edit(12/10): I’ve renamed the series to “Her”! Hope you enjoyed it!

[we-are-the-sickness]

Do all of the questions, *just do it flex*

GOTDANG IT SPAGHETTI 1: 6 of the songs you listen to most?MMM fuc man. Ok. Inhale by stone sour(still), the hollow by a perfect circle, no leaf clover by metallica, wide awake acoustic by Chris Cornell, beauty school by deftones, and any lamb of god song lmao2: If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?I know it's happening in 4 month (holy fuc) but I'd say You.3: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17. Tf u think I'm getting off my BED for a BOOK rN?4: What do you think about most?building my future and the things I'd like to do5: What does your latest text message from someone else say?It's probs from u or gemi hold on "Ravioli ravioli give me da formuoli"UNBELIEVEABLE SAMANATHA6: Do you sleep with or without clothes on?I either sleep in my undies w a shirt or no shirt n just undies but usually the earlier7: What’s your strangest talent?I can burp whenever I damn well please8: Girls… (finish the sentence); Boys… (finish the sentence)Girls...disappoint less than Boys disappoint 9: Ever had a poem or song written about you?Aaaah yes yikes it's been awhile yikes10: When is the last time you played the air guitar?Probably yesterday11: Do you have any strange phobias?FEAR OF HOLES 12: Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?yes14: If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?Absorbing the sun coz I need that D15: Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?Behind usually I have this idea in my head that I want aesthetic shots of myself but I KNO that's never gonna happen16: Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?*screaming* no17: What was the last lie you told?I ate18: Do you believe in karma?I think so yes19: What does your URL mean?We are the sickness that cleanses the earth clean.20: What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?My strong will to protect, and my strength would be I usually can analyze situations and how to handle them fairly quickly I guess 21: Who is your celebrity crush?Ben mendelson atm 22: Have you ever gone skinny dipping?I don't think so23: How do you vent your anger?I box in the summer time and the rest of the time I make art and listen to music.24: Do you have a collection of anything?CDs and cookbooks lmao25: Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?Hmmmm idk depends on the day 26: Are you happy with the person you’ve become?I'm happier with who I am now than who I was. I want to improve everyday27: What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?I hate hearing my mom chew it literally makes me wanna die. But I love the sound of laughter especially when I caused it28: What’s your biggest “what if”?What if I won't be able to do any of the things I want to achieve.29: Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens? Yes n yes my boi30: Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.Air n air31: Smell the air. What do you smell?Linen 32: What’s the worst place you have ever been to?Illinois. (I live here) or my grandmas33: Choose: East Coast or West Coast?WEST34: Most attractive singer of your opposite gender?UNMM wow omg look at my blog fam I mean,,,fk35: To you, what is the meaning of life?To change, and to love.36: Define Art.The expression of ones inner self37: Do you believe in luck?Sometimes lol38: What’s the weather like right now?Cold as fuck But I think the sun is out39: What time is it?12:3240: Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?Yes and almost41: What was the last book you read?Anthony Kiedis' book42: Do you like the smell of gasoline?Sometimes43: Do you have any nicknames?God yes. SAV, savvy, savage, baguetti, sun, sunshine, veena, vanny, salamander, mom, etc etc44: What was the last film you saw?A DRESSMAKER IT WAS AMAZING HIGHLY SUGGEST45: What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?I haven't broken a bone YET but everything else has happen so I can't name what was the worse46: Have you ever caught a butterfly?OUI47: Do you have any obsessions right now?I'm obsessed w cleanliness at the moment48: What’s your sexual orientation?Bisexual 49: Ever had a rumour spread about you?MMM plenty50: Do you believe in magic?Oui51: Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?I do. But since last summer Ive realized it's better for me and the ones I love to let go.52: What is your astrological sign?Aquarius!53: Do you save money or spend it?Save54: What’s the last thing you purchased?Bananas I think55: Love or lust?Love.56: In a relationship?It's complicated but I love her far beyond the moon and back57: How many relationships have you had?4 I think58: Can you touch your nose with your tongue?I USED TO59: Where were you yesterday?in my house60: Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?Yes yes61: Are you wearing socks right now?Nope62: What’s your favourite animal?,,,wolf63: What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?Uh idk be kind to them64: Where is your best friend?I have a couple but the ones I talking to rn r in California(u), Tx, and LA 65: Give me your top 5 favourite blogs on Tumblr.@jeffhannemontana@coreytaylorworld@jaymzcatfield@flowernips@metallica-slipknot66: What is your heritage?Scottish and German and Jewish I didn't know if the Jewish was for sure until my grandmother showed us my great great grandfather that was wild.67: What were you doing last night at 12AM?Pinterest most likely68: What do you think is Satan’s last name?Lucifer Trump69: Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off?Omfg yes70: Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?I would like to say so71: You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?Um save the dog obviously wtf72: You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? Idk if I would tell anyone. I may just because they deserve to know what to dob) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?I would spend it with a couple people and do a few things I wanted to do& I think I'd only be afraid for the ones I love tbh73: You can only have one of these things; trust or love.I know what having love w out trust is like and that didn't turn out well 74: What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?The hollow, definitely 75: What are the last four digits in your cell phone number?170676: In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?Understanding of the past and the present. And constantly trying to be better than we once were.77: How can I win your heart?I mean u already did but I'd say compassion wins my heart a lot of the time78: Can insanity bring on more creativity?Oh god idk it just happens usually music tho79: What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?Not give a shit abt what other people think and just focus on how I feel and how to make myself better80: What size shoes do you wear?7-881: What would you want to be written on your tombstone?The lyrics to "stop it now (seagulls)"82: What is your favourite word?Meme83: Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart.I thought abt this heart vase I wanted awhile back omg84: What is a saying you say a lot?Be patient 85: What’s the last song you listened to?Some atmospheric acoustic music idk ask Spotify86: Basic question; what’s your favourite colour/colours?BOi black, purple, red, white, n turquoise, OHHH AND EMERALD87: What is your current desktop picture?it's a vintage star map88: If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?I have a long list but probably trump89: What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on?If my parents asked me if I'm gayI'd be scared to death90: One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?Get tf up and take my belongings and leave m y h o u S e91: You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?Shapeshift92: You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?When I was little I lived in this house that had skylights and it was across from the lake. My mom had plants in the house and it was warm. I would want to be that age again and play with my dog and feel that warmth again93: You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?Something that happened when I was young.94: You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?Like sleep sleep? MMM James would be nice to sleep w he's soft95: You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go? CALI96: Do you have any relatives in jail?yep97: Have you ever thrown up in the car? When I was a wee lass98: Ever been on a plane?Oui oui99: If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?Learn understanding and learn that love and change is the only way we all can make this world a better place.