#most of the flowers represent remorse/regret

[kittykatkazui]

[just-sp-in-inginthevoid]

Flowers in Brahman (and what flower could have been Takeomi’s)

The easiest to figure out are the cherry blossoms for Senju; they’re easy to see since Senju has a close-up wearing her uniform and her image color is cherry blossom pink.

In Japan, cherry blossoms symbolize optimist, the fleeting nature of life and is a symbol of death and rebirth. Although it doesn’t seem official, cherry blossoms are Japan national flowers and have a great importance in their culture, Hanami being the best-known example.

For Wakasa and Benkei, since I’m not an expert in flowers I did my best but I might be wrong.

Wakasa seems to have camelias on his sleeves. Although red camelias symbolize love (in both the western world and japan), this is not what Wakui was going for with it. In Japan, camelias are known for their ‘noble death’ since they seem to behead themselves when they die. Yoshitsune no Minamoto born Ushiwakamaru (the irl man and myth Wakui based Wakasa on) is believed to have committed sepukku after being surrounded by enemies – sparing himself an honorableness death.

Benkei may have chrysanthemums. In Japan, they symbolize ‘imperial’ is they’re yellow or ‘truth’ if they’re white, they’re also a symbol of the imperial family. Something that should also made a nod to the irl Benkei who is said to have fought Yoshitsune’s enemies (while he was committing sepukku) and who was Yoshitune’s retainer; and chrysanthemums are also known to symbolize loyalty.

As for Takeomi, who has a dragon (or two)…

The reason behind that is that he can’t let go of Black Dragon and unlike Wakasa and Benkei he sees Brahman as that – Black Dragon but under a knew name and without Shinichiro to guide them. Still, if he didn’t, what would have been his flower?

Obviously it’s only a speculation, a supposition, but I think hydrangeas would be a great candidate. First of all, they symbolize pride, and second, they represent the rainy season and, well, ‘Rain Bringer’. Hydrangeas need a lot of water as well (‘hydrangea’ means ‘water vessel’ in Greek and ‘ajisai’ means ‘water drinker’ in Japanese).

Various websites don’t say the same thing about hydrangeas meaning in the western world so I can’t talk about it without thinking I’m wrong but one thing is sure – they symbolize heartfelt emotions, whether they be positive (gratitude, love, perseverance/patience…) or negative (arrogance, boastfulness, cold-hearted…). Some says that blue hydrangeas represent feelings of remorse and apologies but also deep gratitude and understanding. It can also be used to express regret and ask for forgiveness.

/!\ EDIT /!\

I most likely got it wrong !!! Benkei's flowers are lotus flowers, not chrysanthemums !

Meaning : purity (of the body and mind), chastity, and a whole other bunch of spiritual things (such as pink lotus flower symbolizing Buddha)

I guess it can fit irl Benkei since he used to be a monk?

Edit 2:

I dont know anymore

[rainykthebroken]

An elegy of the ship name "Flower Crown"

I know the name Flower Crown is widely used to describe the Magolor/Taranza relationship, but I don't think enough people talk about how symbolic it is!

First of all, there's a nice parallel since Crowned and Flower were both words formed by the first letters of each level in their respective games.

But above all, these words represent the traumas and regrets linked to the two lovebirds.

The symbolism of the crown is obvious to Magolor. Not only is it the reason he betrayed his first true friends, but the Master Crown has also corrupted and harmed his soul.

For Taranza, the flower recalls the fusion of his first love with the Dreamstalk, but also that which could never blossom, his love for Sectonia.

In both cases, the word is the source of remorse, but also of an abusive relationship.

Magolor longed for the power of the Master Crown, but all he got was a parasite that fed off his negative emotions and life force.

Taranza pledged his loyalty to Sectonia, too blinded by his love to see that his former friend had disappeared because of the magic mirror, and was finally discarded as if he were nothing.

And Magolor and Taranza, to free themselves from their mistakes, had to put an end to the object/person they coveted most.

Ultimately, that's why I love the name of this ship. Magolor and Taranza have reused these words, these symbols, to represent their love. These are no longer images that hurt them, and remind them of their mistakes, but now symbolize their happiness together and how much they grew!

NB: I would have liked to do my weekly post about chapter 6, but as I said before, the fanfic is on hiatus until the end of the week. I've written a few pages though ;)

[lurker-extraordinaire-657645]

Rosette, bouquet, cherry blossom for both your OCs?

🏵️ [ROSETTE] What flower symbolizes your OC best and why? What does the flower mean in floriography?

i had to look into some stuff, but i think thyme represents apollo pretty well! it represents strength and fortitude :) RB's would have to be purple hyacinth. it represents sorrow- but also remorse or regret, which seems... well, accurate.

💐 [BOUQUET] If you could send your OC a bouquet, what flowers would make it up and what is the overall message?

i think it'd be the same for both of them: white orchids, purple hyacinth, and white tulips. an apology, for.. everything.

🌸 [CHERRY BLOSSOM] Does your OC believe in legends/myths?

apollo's learned better than to doubt everything he hears by now. yes, but only because most of them are true. RB... doesn't have the innocence she used to. she doesn't believe in them, or at least not anymore.

[wishesmsg]

Seeing a Wedding in a Dream - Attending a Wedding and Witnessing Preparations

What does seeing wedding preparations in a dream mean? This dream, which signifies a period of stress and difficulty, has many interpretations. Here are the answers...

Seeing a Wedding in a Dream

It is a beautiful and auspicious dream. It indicates that the dreamer will be freed from distress, sadness, worries, and troubles, and will find comfort. According to dream interpretations, seeing a wedding in a dream is not associated with favorable outcomes. It suggests that the person will experience short-term stress, but most of these difficulties will gradually pass. Witnessing Wedding Preparations in a Dream If someone sees wedding preparations in their dream, it indicates that they will meet a new potential partner if they are single. Dreaming of witnessing wedding preparations can also signify embarking on a journey or travel as a result of receiving joyful news. If there are tensions with relatives, they will be resolved as family elders intervene and eliminate existing problems. Seeing a Crowd at a Wedding in a Dream If you see a large crowd at a wedding in your dream, it is interpreted as the gathering of such a group of people in real life, and you being part of that crowd. This situation could be related to a wedding, engagement, meeting, or gathering, for instance. The dreamer should keep their spirits high as this dream is considered auspicious by dream interpreters. Seeing a Wedding Hall in a Dream Seeing a wedding hall in a dream symbolizes happy and good news. The dreamer will receive news that will bring great joy and happiness. According to dream interpretations, if the dreamer is single, seeing a wedding hall indicates marriage. Seeing a wedding hall in a dream also signifies continued success in the dreamer's professional life. Dreaming of a wedding represents the dreamer's imminent release from all worries and troubles. Attending a Wedding in a Dream It suggests that the dreamer's sorrow and distress will disappear, and they will find comfort. Dreaming of attending a wedding is interpreted by some dream interpreters as receiving joyful news that will make all family members happy. Seeing a Wedding Without Musical Instruments in a Dream If the dreamer sees a wedding without musical instruments, it signifies that they need to appreciate what they have, or else they may lose what they possess. Seeing a wedding without musical instruments also indicates that the dreamer will have a comfortable life in the future. Dancing at a Wedding in a Dream According to dream dictionaries, dancing at a wedding in a dream signifies that the dreamer will finally find relief after a long period of difficulty. It is interpreted as the end of troubles and problems and the herald of a comfortable life. Seeing Your Own Wedding While Married in a Dream If the dreamer sees their own wedding while already married, it suggests minor conflicts within the family, exhausting work life, and forgetting that their priority is their family. Dreaming of seeing one's own wedding while married also symbolizes acquiring property and assets. Seeing People Dancing at a Wedding in a Dream According to dream interpreters, seeing people dancing at a wedding in a dream signifies the presence of someone whom the dreamer will envy. The dreamer's envy will lead to various troubles, but later they will feel remorse and regret. Seeing a Wedding House in a Dream If someone sees a wedding house in their dream, it indicates that the dreamer will soon reunite with a friend but will have a difference of opinion with that friend. However, with the intervention of different individuals, the situation will be resolved amicably. Seeing a wedding house in a dream also symbolizes opportunities and good luck. Seeing Wedding Flowers in a Dream If the dreamer sees wedding flowers in their dream, it indicates that they have the strength to overcome the difficulties in their life. Dreaming of wedding flowers suggests that events will occur that will bring happiness to the dreamer's life. Seeing a Wedding Carriage in a Dream According to dream dictionaries, seeing a wedding carriage in a dream is interpreted as distress and sorrow. It suggests that the dreamer will engage in activities that will cause them distress. Additionally, seeing a wedding carriage in a dream signifies that some relatives may have ill intentions. Seeing Yourself Going to a Wedding Hall in a Dream Seeing yourself going to a wedding hall in a dream symbolizes getting rid of all troubles and worries. It indicates that the dreamer, if they are ill, will find healing. Seeing Yourself Dancing in a Wedding Hall in a Dream Seeing yourself dancing in a wedding hall in a dream signifies material and spiritual comfort. It also suggests that the dreamer's troubles will come to an end. Seeing a Wedding in a Wedding Hall in a Dream Seeing a wedding in a wedding hall in a dream is a favorable dream. It indicates that the dreamer will experience great happiness. It is associated with the dreamer's personal life being filled with joy. Seeing a Wedding Without Music in a Dream If you saw a wedding without music in a dream, it is interpreted as a sign of prosperity in your home and workplace. This prosperity may manifest as a significant amount of money entering your household or the stability of your current financial situation and possessions. Seeing a Wedding Feast in a Dream If the dreamer sees a wedding feast in their dream, it signifies leaving behind troubled days. If you are going through a difficult period, this indicates that the situation will improve. Seeing a Wedding with Music and Dancing in a Dream If you dream of a wedding with music and dancing, it is not generally considered a favorable sign. If there is alcohol involved in the wedding, it is interpreted as an indication of troubles. Being Present at a Wedding in a Dream If you dream of being invited to a wedding, it signifies that your sorrows and troubles will disappear, and you will achieve prosperity. If there is a meal served at the wedding, and you partake in it, it suggests that your health issues will improve. Working at a Wedding in a Dream If you dream of working at a wedding, it indicates that you may fall ill in the near future. However, this illness will not last long, and you will recover quickly. Seeing a Wedding Venue in a Dream Seeing a wedding venue in a dream symbolizes auspicious and positive endeavors. It suggests that the dreamer will engage in beneficial actions for their country and society. Seeing a Wedding Hall in a Dream If the dreamer sees a wedding hall in their dream, it indicates that they will receive joyful news in the near future. Dreaming of a wedding hall suggests that the dreamer will achieve their dreams. Seeing a Wedding Cake in a Dream According to dream interpreters' evaluations and interpretations, seeing a wedding cake in a dream signifies a great blessing. It also indicates abundance and prosperity in the dreamer's life. Seeing Yourself Shopping for a Wedding in a Dream If the dreamer sees themselves shopping for a wedding in their dream, it signifies that they will earn halal (lawful) income. Dreaming of shopping for a wedding suggests that the dreamer will earn more than they spend. Seeing Your Own Wedding in a Dream If the dreamer sees their own wedding in a dream, it indicates that they will experience negative and unfavorable events. The dream suggests that the dreamer will be harmed by people in their life and will go through difficult situations. Seeing Someone Else's Wedding in a Dream If the dreamer sees someone else's wedding in a dream, it signifies that the dreamer will not benefit from their investments. Dreaming of someone else's wedding indicates that the dreamer will easily sustain their livelihood. Read the full article

[fardiorin]

Sacred Marriage and Sacrilegious Divorce

Not all marriages are founded on the basis of commitment, promise, and honesty. Some marriages are scams that sip out the life force of both partners involved; well, not only both partners but all of the people tangled with said partners. More often than not, people marry unwillingly out of fear of living a much worse and harsher life, yet little do they know that marriage seldom produces any kind of happiness and safety. When one’s life has been lived alone, it will be difficult when they have to share everything including their vitality and dedication. It is such a prevarication and dishonesty to say that forgiveness always exists for the partner should they ever commit any misdeeds, which will be plenty. The thrills and frills of exchanging “vows” last as long as the exchange itself, and any seconds later will result in disappointment and regret. Even the existence of the partner will become a hindrance of a good life and a test of patience for the other, as they’re not gods, they wouldn’t have the capacity to overcome the pressure of stabbing each other’s hearts. Silence Is Finally Dancing at the Edge of the Day (Sepi pun Menari di Tepi Hari), by Sapardi Djoko Darmono, best captured the breathlessness of being in a marriage, where both partners stayed only to discover that their life was actually better without the chains of marriage. Though the prospect of leaving each other was not a viable option, they decided to escape in the most effective way possible as to not gape upon each other’s faces anymore on God’s Green Earth forevermore.

It was better to die with their breached vows than to live pretending that it wasn’t.

As I finished the story, I realized that the institution of marriage exists as nothing but an allegory. Promise, vow, commitment, respect, honor—these are the things that marriage should represent in this physical plane. In reality, these meek angelic beings fail miserably to manifest themselves as soothing beneficence that feeble-minded humans could replicate. The only baleful thing that unfolds as they begin to try replicating is the cessation of existence of the angels. The sacredness of the deities is only met with sacrilege because of human’s original sin of disobedience of the promise they had made with God. This is where the demon of divorce emerges from the very first instance the breach is conceptualized inside their neurons. It wreaks havoc on the promised one’s psyche and eventually drives them senile, questioning whether they deserve to demand the fulfillment of said promise. Of course, the miscreant will feel nothing and even produce a plethora of gratuitous excuses as the demon has seized control of them. The sin of this broken promise is akin to the sin of treason, deserving the glacial cold and isolation of the deepest circle of hell, might that they never escape from it never.

However, this is not a story of the divorce of two people bound by the legal sanctity of marriage. This is a story of pure treachery committed in broad daylight, without a single drop of remorse.

The moment you’ve omitted a sentence to anyone who’s willing to hear, a seed of thought is sowed. The next sentence you provide a detail, the seed grows into a delicate seedling. The additional utterance you give will water the seedling into a young plant, soaking the water-filled promise up from its roots. The final word you close will be the fertilizer to nourish the already-grown plant with a daring hope of towering upward, facing the unknown but strengthened with the promise from its roots.

And then you leave the plant be, growing and growing, until its first flower starts to bloom. The exquisite flower’s petals bloom as wide as the stretch of land and nectars as sweet as any other confections. Hope is personified into these alluring creations of God. It is open to any possibilities and brings delight whenever it is being felt. The flower will long for anything to pollinate it, for the plant to continue living perpetually through the renewal of its seed. Poor flower isn’t aware that the one who planted it will never return as an endearing honeybee to help it achieve immortality.

It waits, and waits, and waits, until it starts to realize that it lives in a deserted terrain. All this time it focuses only on looking and facing upward, basking in the warm sunlight. The water-filled promise is still flooding surrounding its roots, lasting as long as however daring the promise was being watered. The flower is surrounded by no one, not a single creature as far as the horizon permits. It is being left to survive with every might that it has; racing against a clock ticking not to immortality, but to a doomsday that soon becomes a reality. The honeybee will never placidly fly to seep its nectar, fulfilling the promise it once made to the flower and helping it to bear fruit and continue living in perpetuity through its seed. The harrowing realization now strikes it as violent as the squall transversing its place. With anguish and rampage, it is being pollinated. Finally.

Soon, day by day, the petals fall down. A new seed is growing alongside the bitter flesh of the fruit. With each volume of growth of the fruit, the water-filled promise surrounding the roots has been depleted. Now it is time for the fruit to act as the nourishment for the entire plant. Tragically, its bitterness now turns into venom to which the whole plant doesn’t have the antidote. The venom travels down, terminating any life force of each cell of the plant, until it reaches the source of its own bitterness: the water. The instance it touches water, all hope of surviving ceases to exist. The only thing that will continue on the legacy will be the venomous fruit, eager to bring death to those foolish enough to come near it, let alone take a bite of its rotten flesh.

 The tale of the plant signifies the extent of a broken promise’s cataclysmic effect on someone. Every breathing creature will never be immune to the lethal toxin that is treason, and they cannot build gradual tolerance to it. No matter how much they try to convince themselves that they will not put their hope and faith in someone else, let alone to the miscreant who does them wrong, they will always fail to do so. It is also vehemently execrable for those quirky, bland, and certainly not lived by “quotes” which promise that people will gain inner utopia if they focus on themselves and not so much on what others say.

“Don’t get your hopes up for someone. Don’t put your faith in anyone. Don’t trust anyone. Have a faith in and trust only God.”

The people who say that clearly have evaded the brutal effect of being severely damaged by a broken promise, however “small” it is. It’s comedic how the intensity of a promise destroys someone is independent of how "big and bold” of the promise is. As such, a promise behaves in accordance with Stochastic effect just like a radiation will give birth to cancer, no matter how small the dose of the radiation is.

Humans need a promise to survive, a hope that the future will be better. When we’re being betrayed, it’s because of one thing in particular. We’re still hopeful that for other things they will keep true to their spoken words. That’s very much a wishful thinking because soon we’ll find ourselves in the same excruciation as if we haven’t experienced that before and firsthand. The lies don’t only prevail inside their malice intentions anymore, now it has seeped into our own fibers of conscience as we convince ourselves that it’ll never happen again. It is probable that we can see through the malevolence of one person, but soon we will be blindsided by a new one. Trust and believe.

This transpiration had arisen since the dawn of time and mankind, and not so long after God molded clay and breathed upon them soul. God had promised to the firsts among us that they would live happily ever after had only they promised as well to steer clear from the forbidden tree. Yet, they couldn’t help but to disregard the commitment they had created. As soon as they fell from the Garden, God still managed to promise them that there would be hope for their descendants, as long as they would commit themselves to God, as God had with them.

Thus, it is in the very nature for those born from Eve’s uterus to receive promise and be hopeful; yet at the same time they are also brought with the tendency to break commitments they have stated and made.

Keeping a commitment then becomes an arduous challenge for anyone to perform, let alone completely fulfilling it. It has transformed now into a cheap currency which worths to nothing only because everyone does not place a high value on it anymore due to its perception of “why is it important anymore?”. In a world where hedonism and egoism hide under the attitude of cutting people off just because you don’t feel like communicating with them, people don’t owe you anything, and myself is the main self, of course commitment to others will not be taken remotely seriously (and often they forget about it because its worthlessness already). Miscreants don’t have any mindfulness towards what they say whether they have declared a promise or plant hope on their interlocutor. They always defend themselves that they’re not to blame when others are being hopeful as gatekeeping their hopes should be their main job prior to the interaction. This to say, is a very revolting worldview for a human who should regard ethics and morals as foundations in life.

The last apostle in Islam had stated that there are three ways a pure hypocrite could be defined: when they speak they lie, when they make a covenant they are treacherous, when they makes a promise they break it, and when they argue they are wicked.

Oh God, how many are your creations fulfill these criteria?

Another defense that a miscreant (as the Almighty is the one who is capable of besmirching the label of pure hypocrite on the forehead of said miscreant) would always resort to when they are cornered is their funny excuses.

“I was exhausted.”

“I had to work overtime.”

“My family needed me.”

“Something urgent came up.”

“I could not make it under the rain.”

“I needed to do this and that first, so I forgot.”

Read: “yeah, I forgot and what about it? You’re also not my priority and how could you hold me responsible? It wasn’t that big of a deal when I said (promised) I wanted to meet you. Man, chill. You’re also not good-looking nor rich enough to warrant you to be this mad with me.”

This is ludicrous as it’s not the decrepit justifications which are bothersome; rather, the complete nonexistence of willingness and humility to require apology earnestly. Why do they have to cower behind these lies-until-proven-true in place of saying sorry? Even if they do, are they legitimately sorry for their own selves? Of course, if the justifications behind the rupture of the promise and commitment were to be true, then there is absolutely no reason to hold it against them—as long as they’re genuinely seeking apology and feeling sorry for themselves.  Punishing them for something beyond their control is equally vile as their treachery and alleged hypocrisy, yet only God knows what is truly out of control and relinquished of control.

This is probably my hurt child writing, as I was being showered with promises from my parents. Every single time they would promise me something, this day, the next day, the next month, later, and so on and so on. I kept on waiting and hopeful because happiness would feel blissful to me. My mother promised me this, and my faraway biological father promised me that. Sorrowfully, those words never materialized. It wasn’t like as a child I chased over worldly matters, it was the promise of being happy that soared my hopes high to the heavens. Time and time again I would feel extreme disappointment, destitution, and devastation over the broken promises. It strangled me knowing that my parents intended on fulfilling them, but wealth wasn’t allowing us to feel the tiniest bit of jubilance and relief. It was something that was beyond their control, and no matter how much they wanted to change it, there were more priorities to perform in place of some silly youngster’s hope. Even throughout my childhood I was satiated with the cry of broken promises and hopes, I was never resistant to the feeling of great desolation. Given a hope was an ambrosial feeling, and having it violently crushed did not fail me to always yearn for that feeling.

That is the reason why I uphold such high esteem and measure people’s ethics and morals on how they navigate an ocean of promises, hopes, and commitment. It is a sacred bond that not only a soul consecrate with another soul, it is a testament witnessed by and consolidated with God, and a pact they engrave with their own selves. Tearing it apart construes the laceration of divinely attested threads of being, which is bordering on blasphemy and sacrilege. It vitiates any sense of self of the promised and warrants a vengeance that needs to be fulfilled. God is the Most Forgiving if we were to stand on correct grounds, but God is the Avenger if deceit and reluctance are the essence of our breath.

One exemplary flagitious encounter happened not too long ago.

He was still transitioning from adolescence to young adulthood. He was as generic as you could imagine, nothing truly stood out from him. He was nothing but a nameless daily oxygen-consumer in a barren, polluted, and filthy megalopolis. Surely, he conformed to what this latter days optimal physical appearance demanded: bronze skin, just enough stocky built, and overall nothing not too displeasing to look at. On top of that, he could not be any more blending when all he did was to post trite contents which frankly would never not make me flinch to my stomach. However, he posed as this nubile and innocent youngster who’d like to learn more about this world around him. I took pity on him, and I wanted him to enter my life as an entertainer/friend because I got to a point where I did not have the power to reject any proposal of amicability from others. One more name to remember was akin to one more validation that I was not disposable to the world. Asininity was my first name.

It is not of grave matter the story of how I met him in the first place. It might seem so random, but even stranger things occur to me every time; so, I wasn’t really that dazed. We talked for a while and frankly, his personality was like bottled water. The plastic was cheap, the packaging was tacky, and the taste of the water was as insipid as possible. In addition, being a juvenile that he was, he could not focus nor concentrate on his interlocutor in the slightest. Dare I say that he didn’t give the utmost respect to whom he was interacting. I was accustomed to thinking that perhaps he didn’t show any proper interest in me because I looked charred and grisly. Often, I brought the self-deprecation up and he would reassure me that he didn’t see any of that; which, I still have a difficult time believing because if what he said was honest, then why didn’t he show it to my face? I tolerated him because talking to someone is better than not talking at all. When it was time to leave the megalopolis, he expressed a slight disappointment that he didn’t have the chance to meet me. It candidly took me by surprise. "Did he really want to meet me? Or was it just a ploy to make me feel better than I actually was?" Nonetheless, I took it as gratitude, and I said to him that we could meet later when I would be in the megalopolis again.

I finally went back to the megalopolis. To everyone’s little guess, I had fallen seriously ill, and the illness almost threatened my life. Long story short (and for another time), I was admitted into a hospital for about two weeks. In that span of time, I did not talk much with him because I didn’t intend on spreading the news that I had looked similar to a chocolate chips cookie or baked potato. In one way or another I finally told him, and he wanted to come see me after I was discharged. I said he could come meet me anytime, but I had put a disclaimer and fair warning to him that maybe I would scare him to death with how I looked. Per usual, he assured (read: gaslit) me that I was fine and there was nothing to worry about. In all honesty, I was feeling extreme apprehension that after the rendezvous he would just abandon me like all other people did. It became the least of my worries when a tension was simmering the afternoon he dropped by my place.

On the same day at noon, my college friends came. I expected them to not stay for long, stretching well over in the afternoon because that youngling told me he would come by around 4-5 pm. I thought that there would be plenty of time with my friends before amusing him. As we began to feel the nostalgia of retelling the story of our classmates, I lost track of time and consciousness when he bombarded me with text messages saying that he was already in front of my place. I panicked, apologized, and asked him to hold on for a little while. I told him the truth that my friends had come over. That was when he reacted like a little brat when he said that he would just leave as he didn’t want to bother my time with my friends. I was stupefied by the kid’s attitude. I explained to him calmly that I could meet him at the common room as a sign of respect, courtesy, and amiability. He wouldn’t budge. I started to run outside of the gate while I still looked like burnt charcoal for the whole wide megalopolis to see. He was there, two houses away. When I approached him and asked why he was not directly in front of the gate, he said that he was just leaving. His head faced down the street, he wouldn’t see my eyes, and he was leaning forward on his motorcycle. He told me that he was exhausted from the day’s work, and he was hurt that I didn’t spare enough time for him.

I was very much dismayed with what happened, what he said, and how he behaved. I didn’t want to seek any arguments with him, instead I said sorry numerous times and invited him to stay for a little while. It wasn’t like he waited hours outside and I ignored him completely. He snarkily defended himself saying that I should just stay with my friends. I assured him that my friends were good, and there was nothing to worry about them as they had come over hours ago. He wouldn’t move at first, but I told him that it would be such a waste of his energy, time, and money to have to come all the way here and just leave. So, he agreed to come in.

We sat in the common room, and I hastily ran to my room to retrieve anything that I could offer to him. I found some milk box and fruits. As we began to talk, I realized that whenever it was my turn to converse, he would just play with his phone and ignore what I was saying. I tested him by asking what his opinions were on the matter. He went nowhere. That wasn’t new for me though, to have someone blatantly disrespect me like that. It hurt, of course it did, but what could I do? I couldn’t just call them out because I knew that the bigger person in question was not going to be someone who had any slight disposal to disrespecting others.

The kid then left, and I didn’t have any residue of emotion during and after our interaction. Pure bottled water, as I had said.

Days later he texted me asking when I would return to my hometown again. I gave him the date, and he promised me that he would come see me again the day before. I teased him to know how firm his commitment is to fulfilling his promise. I told him that if he couldn’t make it, then he shouldn’t force himself. He maintained his stance that he would certainly come, regardless of what happened that day because it would be a long time before I was back in megalopolis. That was when he began to give me water-filled promises, only for me to be blind to my future I had as the plant.

I waited on the day, and I began to prepare some offerings. He added detail that he would come around 5 pm. I cleared the schedule for anyone who would want to see me that day as I wanted to avoid any further squabble with him because he apparently felt betrayed by me? Until the golden sunset had turned deep violet, he never came. Until the deep violet had turned to the darkest shade of blue, he never came. Until the blackness of the night arose, he certainly never came. No words, no notices, no information. Only silence as loud as the ears could hear. That poor plant was now withering into obscurity of its dreams, taking down any nits of its fruits with it.

Of course, it stung. I did not try to convince otherwise that treason could be that (expectedly) aching.

As I began to sit myself on the train, I sent the miscreant a picture of the cabin and captioned it with something along the line of saying that I was happy that he came over yesterday. He justified his rancorousness by explaining that he was tired. There wasn’t a single tone of genuine apologies detected from his brassy song. I was beyond abashed at that moment with him, but I kept on doing my best: pretending (falsifying) that I took it with a big heart. I told him that he should notify people he had made promises to if he couldn’t fulfill them, and that saying sorry was the first thing that he had to do. Funnily, he always misunderstood me and thought that I was jealous of him going out with some other people. "Could his ego be that inflated and grandiose for him to even consider I would be remotely jealous?" I maintained my guard by taking things further to discuss the gravity of treachery and its stringent effects on the promised. He didn’t take me seriously in the slightest, and when I said that I was very disappointed, he just responded with humming, emojis, and “ok”.

It was the moment I knew God had bestowed me the right to plaster that miscreant’s face with a big fat “hypocrite” letters.

[actonbellworks]

BTS and art-pop; a postmodern analysis of the album Love Yourself: Tear (2017)

this is an essay i wrote for a uni assignment, and i really wanted to post it here, so,,,

The closest definition of postmodern music, by Jonathan Kramer, in his 1996 essay Postmodern Concepts of Musical Time, is described in several characteristics. It is not a repudiation or a continuation of modernism, but contains aspects of both; it is, on some level, ironic, disregards the value of structural unity, and seeks to break down the distinctions between ‘highbrow’ and ‘lowbrow’ music. Postmodern music refuses to be cast into a specific mold, includes detailed references, is pluralistic and eclectic, but above all, it locates its meaning much more in the listener than it does in the actual music and performance. In his essay, Answering the Question: what is Postmodernism? Jean Francois Lyotard defines postmodernism as part of the modern, conceding to perhaps the most influential critic of Postmodernism, Jurgen Habermas, as he writes, “The postmodern would be that which, in the modern, puts forward the unpresentable in presentation itself…”. The phenomenon of the postmodern, as critics have tried to define it, exists in spite of a definition.

This leads us to another, far more important question; can we define ‘popular’ music as ‘postmodern’? Critics still hesitate to attribute the ‘postmodern’ or the ‘art-pop’ tag to mainstream popular music, because they view postmodernist music and art-pop as a genre that is inexorably linked with modernism, which implies that there has to be a predecessor for popular music to be classified as ‘postmodern’. In another definition, one that is, perhaps, far more closer to the hypothesis laid out by Kramer, is that Postmodernist music, and indeed, the postmodernist movement, developed as a reaction to modernism, and as such, incorporates the attributes of modernism as well as defies it to a certain extent.

The genre of K-pop has been popularised all over the world largely due to the influence of the seven-member band BTS (방탄소년단 in Korean), and their detailed musicality, which is perhaps showcased best in their third studio album, Love Yourself 轉 ‘Tear’, widely regarded as one of their most intricate works. True to the definition of postmodern music, the album smoothly shifts genres, sometimes in the gap of a single song, although there is a thematic, sometimes singular focus on the feelings of loss and loneliness. To centre a musical venture around the idea of love and loss is nothing new, perhaps, but ‘Tear’ refuses to play into any of the common tropes.

The term ‘postmodern’ contains an air of elitism with it, as it still refers to practices that developed as a reaction to the modernist methods of the twentieth century. It directly challenges the strict rules of modernist art, a return to pre-modernist era art techniques, and above all, it removes the boundaries between the “classical” and the “popular”. BTS has been termed as ‘popular music’ by critics, and while the label ‘popular music’ is considered restrictive, for many music critics, ‘Tear’ represents how the genre can be pushed to its limits, moving beyond the limitations set by the industry and by music critics in general.

Perhaps one of the most dynamic songs in the LP’s tracklist is the title track, “FAKE LOVE”, the music video for which begins with silence, and the track is completed by a jagged guitar riff that cuts off abruptly to a scene of the seven members, dressed in robes and masks that look eerily reminiscent of the early Greek comedic tradition, in which every character is identifiable by their masks and their choice of costumery. The teaser for the music video, interestingly, had the piece, Waltz in A-flat major, OP. 9, No. 1 by Frédéric Chopin, also termed as ‘The Farewell Waltz’ or ‘Valse de l’adieu’. Chopin’s music and BTS’ song both move in circles, without reaching a conclusion. Chopin’s waltz moves in ¾ beats, until it ends abruptly, and FAKE LOVE reiterates the same line,

Love you so bad, love you so bad

널 위해 예쁜 거짓을 빚어낸

Love it's so mad, love it's so mad

날 지워 너의 인형이 되려 해

널 위해서라면 난

슬퍼도

Which loosely translates to “love you so bad/ I create a beautiful lie for you/ love you so mad/ I try to become your doll by erasing myself.” Both pieces move around the idea of loss, with neither reaching anywhere fruitful. Chopin’s waltz ends where it had begun, in the middle of his heartbreak, and BTS end their song with the refrain of

기쁜 척 할 수가 있었어

널 위해서라면 난

아파도 강한 척 할 수가 있었어

사랑이 사랑만으로 완벽하길

내 모든 약점들은 다 숨겨지길

이뤄지지 않는 꿈속에서

피울 수 없는 꽃을 키웠어

Which again, translates to “for you, I could pretend to be happy even when sad/ for you I could pretend I was strong even when I was hurt/ Wishing that love is perfect as itself/Wishing all my weakness is hidden/In a dream that can’t come true/I raised a flower that couldn’t bloom”.

A particular characteristic of art-pop music and alternative music in general, is the recurring motif that runs through one or more songs. In ‘Tear’, the septet continue to use masks, in order to symbolise what is the loss of one’s self, in the process of another, perhaps more explicitly shown in their introductory music video to the album, ‘Singularity’, where singer Kim Taehyung (using the stage moniker V) sings about losing his voice, trapped in a lake, donning a mask that obscures half of his face, losing all his individuality. ‘Singularity’ is perhaps one of the most complicated songs to translate from Korean, as the songwriter, RM, lays down visual clues of what it feels like to wake up from a dream, only to find oneself trapped. The music video carries forward the baroque imagery, as well as the heavy classical influences in the slow progression of the track; it conjures the powerful imagery of being trapped underwater ourselves, in the lyrics

Tell me 내 목소리가 가짜라면

날 버리지 말았어야 했는지

Tell me 고통조차 가짜라면

그때 내가 무얼해야 했는지

Loosely translated, it refers to someone trapped underwater, who doesn't feel as though their voice belongs to themselves. ‘Singularity’ wonders whether or not it is worth it to sacrifice one’s individuality to mould themselves to fit in. Postmodern art talks about the truth of the artist, especially how difficult it is to maintain one’s sincerity to survive, be it in a relationship, or in the music industry, a sentiment expressed by the septet in the fifth track of the album, ‘Paradise’ (낙원 ), where rappers Suga and j-hope express their dissatisfaction with the world through an intertwined verse,

누군 이렇게 누군 저렇게 산다면서

세상은 내게 욕을 퍼붓네

세상은 욕할 자격이 없네

꿈을 꾸는 법이 무엇인지

(“saying some are living like this,some are living like that/ the world pours curses at me/ the world has no right to pour curses at me/ for it has never even taught me how to dream '')

The song ‘Paradise’ is not only about the futility of the dreams that we are forced to accept and work towards, it also serves as a reminder of the society that we continue to subject the future generations to, in the capitalistic pursuit of wealth and correlating it to happiness, we forget that perhaps, humanity is not defined by wealth. ‘Paradise’ sets a reminder that it is okay to pause the world to remind ourselves that the world does not exist in spite of us, it exists because of us.

Perhaps the strangest, most compelling song on the entire album is the final song, ‘OUTRO: TEAR’. A rap track featuring the three rappers, it has been one of the most lyrically intimidating songs. A direct continuation of the thought process in ‘singularity’, “OUTRO: TEAR’ also muses upon the threads of a broken relationship, and the precipice upon which it all began.

For music critics, the opening six bars of the outro are reminiscent of the sombre tunes in Rachmaninoff’s piano concertos, which reach a crescendo and give way to RM’s introductory verse. It is a song that has remorse at the very core of it, writing for one’s lost love, for which there is still regret. For RM and Suga, this comes with the words

어쩜 내가 너를 사랑했던 적이 아예 없는 것 같아서

(because it felt like maybe I had never loved you anyway)

심장이 찢겨져 차라리 불 태워줘

고통과 미련 그 무엇도 남지 않게끔

(“my heart breaks, please rather burn it, so that the pain and the lingering love disappears”) while RM denotes his regret with rhyming sequences that linger, and for Suga, it is in a series of archaic, perhaps even frightening metaphors to his breaking heart. Both the rappers are talking about their failed relationship, with music, their friends, and their love, how it has an everlasting effect on their lives, one that will never go away, even with acceptance of their fate.

Written at the brink of disbandment, perhaps the coda by j-hope is where the song hits the hardest. The most lyrically dense section of the song is the coda, where j-hope lays down a flurry of rhymes and rhythms, shaken at the prospect of leaving music altogether. Although the song stems from a personal story for the septet, it deals with the very real anxiety and fear an artist has, of having to separate from their art. For j-hope it is akin to a break-up, a sundering with the very people he had thought would be by his side forever, and he writes, “이별은 내겐 그 순간들뿐”(goodbye, for me is only there, just at those moments). He writes,

넌 내 시작과 끝That is all

(“You are my beginning, end, that is all”)

And to him, and to all artists, art is supreme, and the thought of parting from the art that has given them so much, would be akin to severing them from their soulmate. For many music critics, the outro is the most complex song they have heard form the septet, with some going so far as to naming it a magnum opus.

In Love Yourself 轉 ‘Tear’, BTS puts the spotlight on the human condition; something which is fallible, something which is dependant upon others. Postmodernism, and postmodernist art, especially, talks about the complex aspects of humanity, forcing people to pay attention to the world and to their own selves. It isn't the music videos with homages paid to Romantic era composers, neither is it the layered verses with the double entendres of lyrical meanings. ‘Tear’ is a postmodern work of art because it covers multiple aspects of the human condition, while also harkening back to the music that inspires artists to create; and the stories they tell in ‘Tear’ are universal.

(trans cr to @doolsetbangtan)

[shijiujun]

[ENG] History3: Trapped Novel - Chapter Ten

~7,000 words 

Translation Masterpost can be found here

Disclaimer: Translations are entirely mine and Wei’s - these are not official translations and some phrases have been changed for better English interpretation so you’ll definitely see better/different translations elsewhere. Also keeping in mind when we translated this we aren’t exactly thinking about the style of writing and this translation is as close to the novel as we can make it XD So yes, some parts may be a little awkward to read. And yes some teeny weeny details and words may not turn up in the translation because the Chi to Eng mind acrobatics didn’t work out. If you see asterisks, scroll all the way to the bottom for notes!

Full chapter below the cut

*Note: I didn’t translate about 4 pages of the smut scene, it was taking me a little too long and I decided to drop it, so you’ll have to find alternative sources for that, but it doesn’t really impact the story much XD

Chapter Ten

Hospital

Jiang Jin Tang walks towards Tang Yi who is seated on the bench, and sighs, “You look like you’re in worse shape than the one currently inside.”

“Is… Is he okay?”

“He’s not going to die anytime soon, but I severely suspect that Meng Shao Fei has issues elsewhere.”

“Where?”

Jin Tang, who usually speaks ill of others with ease, says, “His brain!”

Tang Yi glares at the man clad in a white doctor’s robe, and cannot be bothered to respond.

“That guy keeps getting hurt because of you, and he’s the one who actually got shot, but the first thing he does after waking up is to worry about you, if this isn’t brain damage, what else can it be?”

“...”

“Tang Yi, just because Meng Shao Fei didn’t die the first two times doesn’t mean he’ll be so fortunate the third time. I don’t want you to regret this for the rest of your life, so as your brother, there are still some things I have to say. Love is just like life itself. Sure it’s beautiful, but it can also disappear at any time, so if you treasure this relationship, you have to let go of that burden in your heart. You can’t keep putting him in a spot and making things difficult for him,” Jin Tang says, somber and patting Tang Yi firmly on the shoulder.

“Okay, hurry in and go see him! If anything else happens, just look for me.”

“Thank you.”

Jin Tang shakes his head and smiles, then picks his vibrating phone out from his pocket.

“Be good, Tang Tang! I’m now in Mali and once everyone in the team and the equipment arrive, we’ll set off. The first treasure I dig up I’ll show to you first, you can’t tell anyone, okay?”

As he watches the message Jiang Zhao Peng sent over, Jin Tang’s lips curve into an indulgent smile.

Inside the ward, Shao Fei, who has already woken up and heard the conversation outside, immediately rips off tubes linked to the machine monitoring his vital signs. He closes his eyes and pretends that he’s in a coma.

Beep-------

Tang Yi barely steps into the ward before the distress signal sounds, and the curved lines on the monitor screen visibly flatlines. Going white immediately, he rushes to the bed and just as he’s about to press the button to ask for help, the person lying in bed hugs him around his waist.

“You’re this worried about me?”

Tang Yi freezes in shock, and the hand reaching out for the button retracts. With a stern, angry look, he glares at Shao Fei, who is grinning and happy, “Aren’t you a little too happy for an injured person?”

“Aren’t you a little too angry for someone who’s my boyfriend?”

“Hmph!”

Still chuckling, Shao Fei pulls at Tang Yi’s sleeve, gesturing for him to sit at the side of his bed. Afraid that Shao Fei would tear out his stitches, Tang Yi does not dare resist and can only sit down, his bad mood apparent on his face. Shao Fei touches lightly at Tang Yi’s wrists where the metal handcuffs sit.

“Don’t be angry, it's a reflex for me to try and snatch a gun, or put myself in the way of a bullet. I’m a police officer, after all.”

“I’m angry at myself,” Tang Yi frowns, holding onto Shao Fei’s icy hands.

“Then it’s better for you to be angry at me! Even if we had to do this again, I would still do the same thing.”

“I know you’ve been trying to stop me from killing others.”

“That’s right. Li Zhen Jie said it before, revenge can only bring you temporary satisfaction, but the consequences you will face for your actions will haunt you for life, and it’ll cause pain to the people who love you.”

“That includes you?”

“Of course!” Shao Fei shoots Tang Yi a look out of the corner of his eye, and continues, “Let me ask you, why did you think Tang Guo Dong tasked you with reforming the gang?”

After a moment of silence, Tang Yi replies, “Lao Tang said he didn’t want the brothers to continue a life like this, where they wouldn’t know if they were going to live or die tomorrow. He wanted everyone to live normal lives.”

“And if you, as their leader, did something illegal, would your men still try to turn over a new leaf?”

“....”

Tang Yi stares at Shao Fei. He did not actually think this far.

“Tang Yi, revealing the truth to everyone, letting the culprit be punished under the law, that’s justice. That’s answering to the victims, but if you handle this on your own, all people will see is a gangster killing a cop, then what Zhou Guan Zhi did will be hidden forever. Is that what you want to see? Is this the Xing Tian Meng that Tang Guo Dong would have wanted to see?”

Tang Yi sighs, and says, “... I’ll hand He Hang over to the police.”

Shao Fei smiles as he looks at the man he’s so deeply in love with, waiting for him to continue.

“And Zhou Guan Zhi too.”

“Thank you, and…” Shao Fei reaches for Tang Yi’s face on his uninjured side, pressing close and kissing his lips.

Tang Yi’s eyes close as he accepts the kiss. It’s a kiss filled with gratitude, love and happiness.

Half a minute later, Shao Fei pulls back and gazes into Tang Yi’s open eyes. 

He says, “I love you!”

Knock knock.

Zhao Zi, who has been waiting for quite some time outside the hospital ward walks in. He looks at the man currently staring at Shao Fei, and reminds him, “Time’s up, Tang Yi, let’s go!”

He then takes out a jacket he prepared for this, covering Tang Yi’s hands to keep anyone from gossiping about his handcuffs if they see it while the both of them are walking out. However, Tang Yi simply shakes his head, standing up straight, and leaves the ward without turning back.

A room in a house

In an old, dilapidated room. Captain Shi sits in a corner looking at photos of his daughter in the wedding dress boutique on his phone. Two police officers in casual dress are guarding him nearby. One of them is scrolling through his phone, and the other one is resting with his eyes closed, seated on a chair with his arms crossed. 

A little while later, the doorbell rings. The man on his phone walks to the door, and lets the person on the other side of the door in after verifying his identity.

“Boss!” Shao Fei calls, wearing the $60,000 NTD suit he bought at Tang Yi’s store, in his hands a traditional wedding cake.

Captain Shi looks at the person who’s just come from a wedding eagerly, and asks, “How did it go?”

“You can see for yourself,” Shao Fei takes out his phone and plays the video he recorded of the wedding.

Slowly opening the banquet hall’s doors, the bride stands there alone without her father, a bouquet of flowers in her hands. Her makeup done up so beautifully, the woman glances down at the red carpet with red-rimmed eyes, pausing for a bit before looking up and smiling widely. She picks up her courage and takes the first step forward.

On both sides of the red carpet, her close friends scatter flower petals and pop party poppers, representing their well-wishes for the new couple. Under the eyes of the marriage officiant, the bridge and groom exchange rings, completing the wedding’s most important ritual.

Captain Shi looks at his daughter’s wedding video, and nods profusely with his eyes wet.

Shao Fei pulls a chair over so he’s sitting opposite Captain Shi, and places the wedding biscuits on the table. “Xiao Ya asked me to bring these to you, there’re biscuits, and also the tea you like to drink, and wedding photos.”

“Ah Fei… thank you…”

However, the man does not accept the gifts, as if afraid of dirtying the beauty and goodness of the moment with his hands that are awash with sin and guilt. Shao Fei looks at his Captain, who’s almost a shell of his usual self. 

The back of his nose burns as he says, “You and Li Zhen Jie have always been my role models and I have always believed in every single thing the both of you taught me. I remember the first day I joined the team, you told me that justice is just like lighting a lamp against the wind and police officers are the protectors of the lamp, so we have to be alert at all times. Because only when the lamp consistently lights up the path in front of us, can we then help others to walk down the correct path too. But you destroyed the person who was supposed to protect the lamp, tried to cover up the truth from four years ago and even allowed everyone to suspect Li Zhen Jie, and to point fingers at her.”

Captain Shi listens to the words he used to say, and lowers his gaze in remorse, “I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness. After all, having to choose between being a father and being a police officer, I selfishly chose to be a father.”

“Boss, do you regret it?”

The man shakes his head and replies bitterly, “When Ah Zhi told me four years ago that he killed Li Zhen and Tang Guo Dong, and destroyed the evidence after, I was relieved. If I didn’t have that sum of money that year, I wouldn’t have been able to see Xiao Ya on her wedding day.”

“Boss…”

Captain Shi looks at Shao Fei and with a complicated expression, he says, “Ah Fei, I actually resented you.”

Shao Fei returns the man’s gaze, stunned at the revelation.

“When everyone was no longer interested in the case at all, you were the only one persisting in bothering Tang Yi, insistent on finding out the truth, as if you weren’t afraid of standing on your own against the rest of the world.”

“But you never once truly stopped me.”

“Because I wanted to see just how long you would last. I even hoped that when you had to choose between justice and obstruction to that, you would choose to give up. Then at least I could comfort myself in the knowledge that you and I, we aren’t so different after all,” Captain Shi says in a self-deprecating manner, raising his head to look at the impulsive young man who really has caused him quite a lot of trouble up until now.

“Aren’t I really bad? I’d fallen, and wished that the people around me would be just like me. I’m sorry, the Captain you admired is actually such a despicable man.”

“No! Boss, you’re not,” Shao Fei stares at Captain Shi resolutely, finally saying the words he wanted to, hidden away under the guilt he felt, because he blamed himself too. “You didn’t stop me because you were waiting too, no, even anticipating the moment I would find the truth and expose you and Zhou Guan Zhi. It’s true that between being a father and being a police officer, you chose to be a good father, but you didn’t give up on the other part of you, the part that’s a police officer.”

Faced with Shao Fei’s understanding, Captain Shi, who has been suppressing all his emotions, finally lets his tears run free as he sobs, covering his face.

“If Li Zhen Jie was still alive, I don’t think she would have hated you. Though she might have kicked your ass,” Shao Fei jokes deliberately, trying to lighten the melancholic atmosphere between them and rubbing at his nose, his face full of tears too.

Captain Shi looks at the man sitting in front of him and recalls his colleague, the woman who worked harder than any other man he knew. 

His shoulders shake slightly as he says, “She wouldn’t have just beat me up, but scolded me too. She would have scolded me for living like a coward…”

Outside the room, the rays of the setting sun eventually shine over the both of them, but in the corners where the sunlight could not reach, darkness still remains. 

Before their meeting ends and just as Shao Fei is about to leave, Captain Shi suddenly moves in front of him.

“Shao Fei, I’m leaving Team Three in your hands,” he says knowingly, patting at Shao Fei’s shoulder.

Cemetery

Tang Yi stands before a gravestone and stares at the music box on the ground, before pulling out his lighter and lighting a cigarette at the side. From afar, Chen Wen Hao walks over with a bouquet of flowers, and after seeing Tang Yi, he hesitates. Then he walks over to the grave and places the bouquet on the flat surface.

“Li Zhen, I’m sorry… All these years, I vented my anger and hate on Tang Guo Dong, hating him for causing me to end up in jail, hating him for not stopping you from aborting the baby and even suspecting that he liked you. That day was the first day of my release from prison, but I saw the both of you together. That was the first time in 24 years we were meeting, but I didn’t expect it to be the last…”

“When I was younger, I didn’t have much money and when I gave you flowers I could give you only one stalk. How sad was that? But you always smiled so happily, so I thought, if I could earn more money I would be able to buy more flowers to make you happy. I ended up walking the wrong path, and didn’t dare to let you know, so I lied to you instead.”

“If that year, I chose differently, would you not have left me then? The three of us, a family, would we have been able to live like normal families, having meals at the dining table? Maybe we wouldn’t have had much money, but we would have led a normal, stable life… we would have also been… happy…”

He finishes his sentence and falls silent, his face filled with tears as he cries.

It is said that every person has to face the consequences of the decisions they make. Then, the price he paid in his lifetime was really just too much, too much…

Tang Yi walks over to Chen Wen Hao’s side, and places the lighter before the gravestone. To the photo on the stone, he says, “After you gave me up for adoption, I ran away from home because of my relationship with my adoptive father, and then I was given a home by Tang-ye. He loved and doted on me as if I was his biological son. Don’t worry, I’ll continue reforming Xing Tian Meng. I believe that this is what you would have wanted to see, the you who spent your life fighting drug dealers.”

Chen Wen Hao supports himself on his knees as he gets up, and now that he knows the truth, he feels as if he’s aged in a flash. He is no longer the fearful, big drug lord, and no longer the vicious Chen-ye he was known for. He is merely an old man in his sixties, a man who’s finally seeing his own son - a father.

He takes out the thumb drive saved with the list of Xing Tian Meng members and business deals, handing it over to Tang Yi.

“This is something I bribed Jack to gather for me as I was plotting revenge against Tang Guo Dong. Every step I’ve taken in my life has turned out to be wrong, and even as I stand before my son, I don’t have the right to ask for his forgiveness.”

Tang Yi’s grip on the thumb drive tightens. He nods at the man before him respectfully, and with a complex expression he leaves the cemetery. At the stairs, however, his footsteps pause and Tang Yi covers his face as he sobs.

At Zhao Zi’s house

“What are you doing?” Zhao Zi asks in confusion, looking at Jack in surprise, who’s standing at his door with his small luggage.

“From today onwards, I’m moving in with you.”

Jack beams, picking up his bags and ready to walk in, but the owner of the house stops him with both arms spread wide open.

“Who said you could move in?”

“You did!” the red-haired man cocks his head to the side, and grins, “Didn’t you cry and ask me to stay?”

“Yes I did, but when I asked you to stay then, and this kind of staying… it’s different!”

After realizing all the things that Zhou Guan Zhi did, Zhao Zi was so depressed that he sat in the middle of a square with a bottle of beer and started sobbing. After hearing that Jack too, was going to leave and go somewhere else, he hugged him and began to sob even louder, shouting that he wanted Jack to stay at his side.

Jack sets his bags down and stalks towards Zhao Zi until he cages the man against the wall. Staring into his eyes, he says, “Do you know how much I gave up, just because you said that?”

The ambush in Cambodia, the deal he had with Yan Zheng Qiang*, the status and position he had in Xing Tian Meng, and so many opportunities from where he could have earned a lot of money. All of it, he abandoned without a second thought.

“Huh?”

“So I’m now a pitiful bug who has no income and no home to return to, you have to be responsible and feed me well.”

“Huh?” Zhao Zi looks at the man who’s given up on everything, dumbfounded. “Wait, no, where’s your family?”

Jack’s expression goes still, and then speaking a half-truth of sorts, he answers, “How would someone like me, who lives in danger every single day, have any family left? No matter where I go, I’m alone, and it gets pretty lonely…”

Zhao Zi looks at this person, who also longs for someone to be at his side just like himself, and his resolve wavers.

“So just let me stay~ Not only will you have another person to share the bills with, but I can take over things like housework and the most important thing is…”

Jack, an ex-mercenary who has never let an opportunity to get the best deal in any situation go, takes the chance to persuade Zhao Zi, “My cooking is pretty delicious, no? As long as you let me stay, I promise you that I’ll take care of your three meals daily. How about that? Isn’t this a really good deal?”

Zhao Zi, a known glutton, swallows. He has to admit that the last point Jack made is the most tempting one. However, if Jack does everything, then what is he going to do?

“You don’t have to do everything in the house. Since it’s housework, everyone in the house has to contribute, that’s why it’s called housework.

“So…” Jack’s heart warms, and he immediately snatches a kiss from Zhao Zi. “Shorty, can I move in, and become a part of your family?”

“Hnn!” Zhao Zi nods seriously, biting at his bottom lip.

“Then let’s have our meals together, do housework together, you’ll take care of the odd days, and I’ll take the even days including Sunday.”

“Okay!”

Just as Jack is preparing to swoop in for a kiss, his hands holding Zhao Zi’s face, they suddenly hear Zhao Zi’s stomach rumbling, and the romantic atmosphere dissipates immediately.

“Pfft, is it 6pm already?”

“Hnn….” Zhao Zi laughs sheepishly, rubbing at his stomach that is even more precise than a clock.

Jack pats him on the head, then moves towards the kitchen, “I’ll make you dinner right away. First, I’ll feed you, and then after… it’s your turn to feed me.”

“Wait! What do you mean, it’s my turn to feed you? Jack you better explain! Jack!”

The Tang manor

“Have you stared enough?” Tang Yi picks up his teacup and glares at a certain doctor, who’s staring at him incessantly.

“Not yet, I specially came over to see what it would look like, for an ice mountain to be melted by the power of love. Pfft, it’s practically like an antique that’s just been unearthed, of course I have to look at it a few times. But Meng Shao Fei is really something, because only he can fall in love with a boring hard shell like you, who doesn’t like to talk?”

However, Jin Tang, who is gleefully ribbing at the Xing Tian Meng leader in an unusual turn of events, is quickly defeated in the next second with Tang Yi’s words.

“I didn’t think you would have the time to talk rubbish here with me.”

“What do you mean?”

“Andy didn’t tell you?”

Jin Tang frowns, sensing some conspiracy in the air, “He didn’t tell me what?”

“Andy got some news today and told me that there’s a British man in the archaeological group who’s clinging onto your Xiao Shu Gong, and he even insists on squeezing in the same tent as him every night to sleep.”

Jin Tang snaps to his feet in shock and the usually gentle and composed man turns to Tang Yi with ferocity in his eyes. He glares at Tang Yi, “Fuck, why did you only just tell me this?!”

“I thought you already knew.”

“Damn it!” the man cursed, taking out his phone and calling his secretary. He says anxiously, “Book a flight for me to Mali right now… Of course I know there’s no direct flight there, why would I have called you otherwise? Settle this in the next hour, I want to get to my destination in the shortest time possible.”

After delegating the task to his secretary, Jin Tang hangs up and glares at Tang Yi again, huffing in anger, “What are you looking at! Have you never seen me angry?”

“I see you angry rather often, but I’ve never seen you jealous. It’s just like an antique that’s just been unearthed and it really does deserve a few more looks from me.”

The words he used to tease Tang Yi earlier are now being used back on him, word for word, and Jin Tang doesn’t know whether to laugh or cry. In the end he puts up his middle finger and says, “Fine, you’re ruthless, teasing me like this.”

“It’s true that you have to wait in relationships, but if you always bury what you are truly thinking deep in your heart, the other person will never know how you feel. I don’t want to see you end up like that.”

Jin Tang looks at Tang Yi, stunned. His lips then curve in a smile, “I really didn’t expect to hear such deep thoughts from you.”

“I didn’t expect to think this way either.”

“But it’s good that you’re like this, you’re finally looking more like a human.”

“If you need any help from me, just let me know, don’t be shy.”

“Don’t worry! I definitely won’t stand on ceremony with you.”

Both men raised their teacups and smiled at each other. In the other’s eyes, they could see the vibrance of happiness shining through.

Outside the police station

Tang Yi has just parked his car in front of the station, and suddenly a huge motorbike zooms past the side of his car, then emergency brakes.

“Ah, what a coincidence, hi ex-boss,” Jack greets with a harmless, innocent smile as he takes off his helmet and reveals a mop of eye-catching red hair.

Tang Yi alights his car and looks at Jack coldly, “You resigned for another reason, didn’t you?”

“I didn’t,” Jack hangs his helmet on the handles and shrugs, “I just happened to find the life I want to live, there’s no other reason for it.”

At the same time, Shao Fei walks out from the station building, and looking at the guy seated on the bike, he says, “What are you doing here?”

“Please, even you guys are lovingly fetching each other from work, isn’t it normal for me to wait for someone to get off work too?”

Looking at Jack’s face, Tang Yi quickly changes the subject and says, “Chen Wen Hao told me that you used me to get access to Xing Tian Meng’s confidential documents, so previously, when you tried to assassinate me and failed, and was subsequently bribed by me, that was fake too?”

Jack’s expression stills, and knowing that he cannot continue to deceive him, the man regains his composure. He admits, “It was planned. Following you at your side was also so I could get information, but you still managed to get the thumb drive back, didn’t you?”

“Did you think I would let it go like that?”

Tang Yi will show no mercy to the people who have used him.

Jack forces a smile and says, “Let bygones be bygones. I had my own difficulties too. And to protect the happiness I managed to get after so much hardship, I’m afraid I would have to do something to you.”

“What do you mean?”

Shao Fei can feel the murderous intent coming off Jack as he speaks, and immediately moves to stand between both men, pushing Tang Yi behind him protectively.

“Nothing, I just want to remind my ex-boss that there is only interest between people and no real feelings or relationships. I have to lie in order to attain my goal, so we shouldn’t concern ourselves with these small things, don’t you think?” Jack shrugs again and bats his eyelids at Tang Yi.

Just as he does that, he hears another voice sounding from behind him, “So between you and me, we’re just using each other as well, there aren’t any real feelings?”

He sees Zhao Zi’s upset expression the second he turns his head around, and immediately shakes his head, denying, “No. I didn’t, shorty, listen to me!”

“Ah Fei, I’m staying at your place today,” Zhao Zi glares at Jack and walks over to Shao Fei to put some distance between him and the red-haired asshole.

“I object!”

“Overruled! Ah Fei I’m going with you.”

“You’re not allowed! We’re going home.”

“I don’t want to!”

Jack knows that it’s inconvenient to have this conversation right outside the police station, and so he decides to simply carry Zhao Zi and put him on the bike instead.

“Wah- Ah Fei, save me!”

“Zhao-”

“If you don’t want to die, then don’t interfere!” Jack glares at Shao Fei who’s intending to stop him.

With one hand around Zhao Zi’s waist and the other securing a knot around Zhao Zi’s waist with the jacket around Jack’s middle, he ties Zhao Zi to him. Then he slams his foot down on the accelerator and leaves the precinct quickly.

“Ah Fei! Ah Fei save me, Ah Fei!”

And the cries for help fade away as the bike goes further, and further.

Shao Fei stares at his good friend being kidnapped right outside of the station and it takes him a long while to break out of his trance. Pointing in the direction that Jack and Zhao Zi left in, he asks the Xing Tian Meng leader next to him who’s smiling mysteriously, “When did the both of them get together?”

“Who knows?”

“Hey! You were finding trouble with Jack deliberately earlier, right?”

“He’s a talent, but unfortunately there’s no leash that can hold him, so I obviously had to teach him a lesson. Only then can we use him in the future.”

“Don’t tell me you still want him to work for you”?

Tang Yi laughs and lets the silence speak for itself. Shao Fei gapes at Tang Yi, looking at this handsome but incredibly scheming man.

At Zhao Zi’s house

“Let me go!”

Jack takes advantage of his height to secure Zhao Zi over his shoulders in a fireman’s lift, and only after they’ve entered through the gates and the door does he put Zhao Zi back on the ground.

“Don’t be angry, listen to me-”

“I don’t want to! I don’t want to be used by you!” Zhao Zi presses his hands over his ears, even lifting his leg to kick at the other’s calf bone.

Despite being so skilled at fighting, Jack does not move or retaliate, only tolerating the pain and pulling the angry person before him into his embrace. At the same time, he pinches at Zhao Zi’s chin and angles his head up, forcing a kiss on Zhao Zi.

“Mmm…. mmm…. Go away!” Zhao Zi pushes Jack away for forcing the kiss on him, his eyes red as he glares at him.

“Zhao Li An! Listen to me!”

It’s Jack’s first time seeing the shorty this furious, and even though Zhao Zi’s eyes hold no plausible threat to him, Jack is still properly startled and all he can do is carry Zhao Zi to the counter, trapping him against it.

“...”

Zhao Zi stares at Jack in shock. This is the first time Jack has been so fierce to him.

“I won’t explain myself for what I did in the past. I admit that in this time, there were both truths and lies in the things I said to you, but I’ve never used you! Never!”

“How do I know what you’re saying are truths, and which are lies? Even the Chief I really trusted, even the senior who was so important to me, these people I can’t even trust. Why should I trust you?”

What happened with Captain Shi and Zhou Guan Zhi dealt Zhao Zi a heavy blow, and he even doubted himself, was it him who was naive and had too much faith in human nature? Does he have the right to be a police officer, even? Why is it that the Captain and colleague he had meals with every day, both had other sides to them that he missed?

Jack looks at his shorty who has lost control over his emotions, and emphasizes, “You don’t have to believe in everything else, but there are two things that you have to believe in.”

“What two things?”

“The first is, I like you.”

“And?”

“Second, I stayed because of you. These two things, you better remember them clearly in your heart!”

Zhao Zi looks at Jack with wide eyes and listens as Jack continues to confess to him.

“In the beginning, I was just curious about you, wondering how you could be both so naive and lustful.”

“I’m not!”

“You are, and you even touched me.”

“You’re the one who wanted me to touch!”

“Whatever, anyway, I was totally attracted to you. This is the first time I’ve cared so much about someone else, worried that if I’m not around, are you having your meals properly, worrying if you are lonely by yourself at home, worrying if you are crying in a place I don’t know… So I decided to stay, because I didn’t want to leave you!”

Zhao Zi, seated on the counter, blinks and rubs at his nose. Somehow, everything that Jack is saying strikes all his pain points and he feels like crying.

“If you still don’t believe me, and if you still want me to go, I’ll go. But you have to be prepared, because the moment I leave, you’ll never see me again.”

“You’re lying to me again, right?”

“No, I’m serious. So you have to make the decision. Do you want me to go? Or do you want me to stay?”

“I…”

Jack waits for Zhao Zi’s answer anxiously. This is the first time he is so uncertain about what he’s doing. However, Zhao Zi continues to look downwards, biting at his lips and refusing to speak. Taking Zhao Zi’s silence for rejection, Jack’s shoulders drop in disappointment.

“Forget it, I’ll go…”

The moment he says that, Jack hears the reply he’s been waiting for.

“Stay!”

“Really? You want me to stay? Why?”

“Because…” Zhao Zi’s ears go hot, and he says in a small voice, “I like you.”

The ends of Jack’s mouth curve, and then he’s kissing Zhao Zi’s lips hard.

“Mmmff, Jack... “

Zhao Zi, who was teased by Shao Fei for being single all his life, now realizes that kisses aren’t just like bland honey water, but a really, really sweet chocolate pie that is enough to make his legs go weak. Through the hands cupping the sides of his face, Zhao Zi can feel Jack’s body warmth, and also the way Jack’s fingertips are trembling, just that little bit.

It seems that even for Jack, who always seems to have everything under control and doesn’t understand the meaning of fear, there are also times where he feels insecure. It’s not only just Zhao Zi who is afraid of being rejected.

“What is it?”

As Zhao Zi is trying to hold his laughter in, his shoulders shake so much that Jack notices, and so Jack pulls Zhao Zi over to look at the giggling shorty.

“So you were actually so afraid of me rejecting you?” Zhao Zi stares at Jack, exposing the thoughts the other man was trying to conceal.

The red-haired man pretends to be angry and glares at Zhao Zi, but his eyes are full of adoration as he looks at the source of happiness that the heavens has finally put into his grasp. And only before this person, Jack has no need to lie or hide.

“I was very afraid.”

“Why?”

“Because I didn’t know how I could go back to being the person I was before.”

Jack was once obsessed with the thrill that uncertainty could bring, because he was very confident of his own abilities. As long as he worked hard, he could always obtain the things he wanted. However, with love, he could not be sure of how much Zhao Zi liked him, and there was no guarantee that even with his best efforts, that Zhao Zi would return his affections.

Moreover, once he experienced not having to pretend in front of someone else and letting go of all his defenses, much less having to lie to them, he no longer wants to put his armour back on and go back to the battlefield, where he can trust no one else but himself.

Zhao Zi nods, and then angles his head upwards to look at the man who’s much taller than he is. He says, “I understand, because since you came into my life, I feel like being alone at home is so lonely! It’s not as if I didn’t stay alone before, but now even when I eat, it doesn’t taste as good as when I eat with you, it’s not like…”

“It’s not like the food isn’t exactly the same,” Jack continues for him with a smile.

“Hnn! It really, really is like that.”

“Hold on! Shorty, don’t tell me you realized you like me because you found that the food you were eating tasted bad?”

If that really is the case, then he will be jealous of every food item that ranks before him in the shorty’s heart.

“Of course! What about you? When did you start liking me?”

“I’m not going to tell you.”

“Hey! How can you be like this, it’s not fair, I told you my answer!”

“You really want to know?”

“I do.”

“Then…”

“Ah!”

Jack suddenly picks Zhao Zi up in his arms and walks over to the dining table next to them, putting the shorty on the surface of the table. Then he begins to unbutton Zhao Zi’s shirt.

“Let me eat first, and then I’ll tell you the answer.”

Zhao Zi’s face turns hot, and he looks down, shy, “If you’re hungry… then… then go have supper…”

His smile oozing charm, Jack turns to the side and steals a kiss from the corner of Zhao Zi’s lips, “My supper is you - Zhao. Li. An!”

“But I’m not tasty.”

“Tasty or not, I’ll let you know what I think after I’ve eaten, so… let me first take off the packaging.”

“But…”

“Shhh!” Jack smirks, then presses his face against the side of Zhao Zi’s ear and says softly, “Didn’t your grandma teach you, when someone is eating you, you’re not supposed to talk?”

“No,” the honest and innocent Zhao Zi answers after actually considering the question. He shakes his head and clarifies, “Why can’t I talk?”

“Because…”

Fingers unbutton the last of the buttons on the shirt and Jack’s hands guide Zhao Zi’s arms out of the shirt’s sleeves. When Zhao Zi is finally half naked seated on the dining table, Jack continues, “Because when other people are busy ‘eating’ you, all you need to do is to moan nicely.”

Suddenly, Jack crouches down and moves towards the soft bumps on Zhao Zi’s chest, then bites down on one.

“Ah-”

Startled, Zhao Zi glares at Jack. No one has ever done this to his nipples. Jack is lightly biting on them. It stings a little, but more than that, whatever he is feeling right now he feels it strongly, but is unable to put into words.

“Jack…”

“Hmm?” Jack responds to Zhao Zi who is experiencing this for the first time, in a deep, nasal tone.

“It’s… It’s so weird…” 

Not only is Zhao Zi’s face hot now, both of his ears are scalding hot too.

“It’s tasty,” the person with his head bent low mumbles, and then Jack begins to tease at the hard nipple he was lightly biting at with the tip of his tongue.

“Mmm...hmmm”

It feels really weird. Not only does the area where Jack is attacking feels weird, even a more embarrassing part of him is beginning to rise, and he’s feeling both uncomfortable and good at the same time.

Jack grins and enjoys the way Zhao Zi is reacting to him. He releases the pressure on Zhao Zi’s chest and the moment Zhao Zi relaxes, Jack immediately goes after the other nipple, continuing to use his teeth and tongue to bully the pitiful and soft little thing.

“Ah-hah… Jack!”

Angling his eyes downwards Zhao Zi can now clearly see the bumps shining with spit, and the usually soft area is now both red and hard from Jack’s ministrations. Even the soft tip has swollen into a little ball.**

“So delicious,” Jack finally looks up to appreciate his work.

“Look! It’s so red now!”

Zhao Zi looks down at his chest, and both his left and right sides have been bitten until they’re both red and swollen, and it feels itchy too. He cannot resist but scratch at the bumps, but then he hears Jack swallow and make a ‘sssss’ sound.

“What’s wrong?”

“Shorty, it seems that I’ve underestimated you, after all.”

“Huh?”

Jack then grabs onto the bewildered man’s hand, dragging it to the lower half of his body. That’s when Zhao Zi realizes, where the denim is hugging taut around something, Jack’s member is obviously hard.

“You-”

Zhao Zi is too embarrassed to continue speaking, and the skin from his face all the way to his neck flushes entirely red.

“It’s all your fault, so you better take responsibility.”

“Huh?”

“This is the first time I’ve gotten so hard so quickly, and…”Jack smirks and moves to Zhao Zi’s ear, and with a warm exhale, he continues, “And wet.”

[I’m skipping the rest of the smut scene! Sorry guys think you’ll have to find alternative sources for the translation of this part.]

“So tired…” Zhao Zi pants as he lies on the wooden dining table. Looking at Jack who’s pressing down on him, he grins, silly.

“What is it?”

“Am I… tasty?”

“You are. You are very tasty,” Jack grins and gives Zhao Zi his highest compliments.

Jack then carries his lover to the second floor and helps Zhao Zi to wash away the remnants of their lovemaking, before putting him on their bed.

“Hey… Will you still leave next time?”

“Since you’ve asked me to stay with so much passion, I wouldn’t be a man if I left you,” Jack’s hands move over Zhao Zi’s body under the blankets covering the both of them.

“Don’t… I’m so tired…”

Zhao Zi dives into Jack’s embrace, closing his eyes. Staring at Zhao Zi’s face, Jack looks as if he’s about to confess to him again.

“I’ve never thought so much about anything, until I met you. In the past, I always thought that settling down was such a boring thing as that kind of life would be stagnant without change, and only thrill and excitement could fulfill me, could make me feel alive. You made me realize that a normal life is happiness, so… shorty, be prepared! Don’t you ever think of leaving me.”

Jack presses a kiss to Zhao Zi’s forehead, and softly says, “Goodnight.”

He doesn’t realize that Zhao Zi hasn’t fallen asleep. The shorty smiles happily and sinks into his dreams.

Outside the courthouse

Shao Fei holds onto Tang Yi’s hand before the courthouse, and ignoring the looks of everyone around them, gazes at Tang Yi.

“After you go in, don’t refuse to talk to people.”

“Why are you saying this for no reason?”

“If people talk to you, don’t just keep quiet, and don’t ignore them.”

It was a different society in prison with its own laws and rules, and Shao Fei didn’t want Tang Yi to have any accidents inside.

“Hnn,” Tang Yi agrees, nodding.

“You’re no longer the boss when you go in, and I know you will find it hard to get used to, but tolerate it. If you don’t cause any trouble, you’ll be out in no time.”

“Hnn.”

“I’ll come see you every week, if you’ve got anything you need, let me know.”

“Hnn.”

“And one last thing…”

“What?”

Shao Fei chuckles, and says, “Don’t miss me too much.”

“Sorry, this is the only thing I cannot do.”

Hugging the lover he’s about to separate from tightly, Tang Yi suddenly feels anxious.

“Don’t worry, I’ll wait for you on the outside, no matter how long you’re in there for,” Shao Fei promises, tearing through Tang Yi’s facade of calm as he pushes himself away from Tang Yi’s chest, looking into the eyes of the man who’s about to serve his sentence.

“I’m not worried about this.”

“Please, you are obviously so concerned about this.”

“You’re the only person in the world who thinks so.”

“That’s right! Because I’m the only one who understands you, so…” Shao Fei smiles, and using the words he said to Tang Yi in that dilapidated house in the mountains, he continues, “I’ll keep watching you.”

“You’ll keep watching me?” Tang Yi finally smiles, recalling the night they were hiding on the mountains as he stares at Shao Fei.

“Yes! I’ll keep my eyes on you always, both of them!”

“Okay.”

Still smiling, Tang Yi kisses Shao Fei one last time, before turning and walking towards the courthouse.

“Tang Yi!”

Tang Yi pauses in his footsteps, but doesn’t dare to turn back.

“I’ll miss you.”

Again, Tang Yi moves forward and walks into the courthouse with determination, prepared to face the sentence that is waiting for him.

Facing a future where he is no longer alone!

---

Notes:

*Yan Zheng Qiang is the name of the Interpol chief, you know the one that scolded Shao Fei and then colluded with Jack by the riverside?

[gascon-en-exil]

Ferdinand/Hubert

002 | Send me a ship and I will tell you:

When I started shipping them:

I’m fairly certain I had a post saying I was intrigued by them once I read they had a paired ending, so around the time we got the text dump.

My thoughts:

The fandom has run with the full comedic potential of just how on point their aesthetic is so much that it can sometimes be easy to forget that they’re weirdly perfect for one another. I remember reading an opinion just before my first Crimson Flower playthrough that Ferdibert represented the most natural conclusion for both their character arcs, and a few months later I’m inclined to agree. I’ll have to write about it sometime. 

What makes me happy about them:

They fit all the AUs. All of them. From canon-divergent scenarios where Ferdinand joins the Lions and saves Hubert from death and suddenly they’re left to deal with that and each other to silly musical AUs to the general feeling of Regency romance* that pervades about half their overall fan content. The other half consists of outlandishly filthy sex. Both are amazing.

*If anyone was wondering, this is most likely a result of their A support being effectively Darcy’s first proposal scene from Pride and Prejudice, only with a Darcy who’s every bit as awful as his reputation suggests and then some and an Elizabeth who’s, ironically, not entirely repulsed. From there it’s a spiral into nervous gifting and UST-laden tea dates.

What makes me sad about them:

Crimson Flower will not end well for them. At best they can hope to die together as the liberators of Fódlan march on Enbarr, but that would require Hubert to publicly express his devotion to his lover above Edelgard and/or her successor…and how likely is that?

Things done in fanfic that annoys me:

Any attempt to make Hubert out to be remorseful for his many heinous actions, or having him believe he’s not good enough for Ferdinand because of them. Hubert is not the sort of man to regret, ever, even with such an outwardly honorable boyfriend. In any case CF!Ferdinand is already ethically compromised in that he prioritized restoring his family’s honor and status over doing the right thing, so if anything he won’t “fix” Hubert so much as being with Hubert will further erode his moral qualms about what the Empire is doing.

Things I look for in fanfic:

Anything that gets the above dynamic and doesn’t try to sanitize Hubert. He’s not a nice guy, even if he’s capable of being a good boyfriend and capable lover and Dom. Comfortably feminine Ferdinand is also nice to see when it shows up, because it’s canon that he’s an opera fanboy who’s down with performing female roles so mild fem!Ferdinand does feel appropriate and true to canon.

My wishlist:

Just keep those AU ideas coming, most of them are gold. 

Who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other:

Hard no on Edelgard for Hubert, she and Ferdinand have no chemistry either but at least they get married and make sense as a political marriage. I don’t really have any others I ship with either of them, but various supports they have with women do have actual chemistry. They’d never join the Lions orgy in an AM ending, mostly because Hubert absolutely would try to kill Dimitri mid-coitus. Plus, most of the Lions would probably find their polite garden romance unusual, enmeshed as they are in the deeply homosocial culture of Faerghus knighthood that contextualizes love and sex between men very different from the heteronormative standard Ferdibert seem to be approximating.

My happily ever after for them:

Obviously not happening on CF, but a post-AM outcome where Hubert ends up under indefinite house arrest at the von Aegir estate and he gradually grows to move beyond Edelgard and maybe even (very grudgingly) share what information he has on the remaining Agarthans with Dimitri and his court might turn out pretty well for them in the end. Ferdinand just has to regularly sate Hubert with baskets of puppies to kick and babies from which to steal candy and/or offer up his ass nightly for all manner of terrible, sexy horrors.

[hcro]

lily luna potter ;; biosheet

❝ and i will STAY UP through the night. and let’s be clear, won’t close my eyes. and i KNOW that i can survive. i’ll walk through fire to save my life. and i want it, i want my LIFE so bad. i’m doing everything i can. then another one bites the dust. it’s hard to lose a chosen one. you did not break me. i’m still fighting for p e a c e. well, i’ve got thick skin and an elastic heart, but your blade - it might be too sharp. i’m like a rubber band until you pull too hard. yeah, i may snap and i move fast but you won’t see me fall apart ‘cause i’ve got an ELASTIC HEART. ❞

basics

name

lily { lil ◦ ee } :  the name lily is of old english origins, it was taken from the name of the plant having delicate, trumpet-shaped flowers regarded as a symbol of purity and perfection. the word is derived from the middle english lilie, which is from the old english and latin lilium (lily). alternatively, lily is used as a pet form of both lilian (lily) and lilith (of the night).

“people with this name have a deep inner desire to serve humanity and to give to others by sharing money, knowledge and experience, or creative and artistic ability. people with this name tend to be a powerful force to all whose lives they touch. they are capable, charismatic leaders who often undertake large endeavors with great success. they value truth, justice, and discipline, and may be quick-tempered with those who do not. if they fail to develop their potential, they may become impractical and rigid.” [ x ]

luna { loon ◦ a } : the name is directly derived from the latin luna (the moon), she was the roman mythological goddess of the moon and is equated with the greek selene. luna can be used as an astrological name for those born under the sign of cancer, which is ruled by the moon.

“people with this name have a deep inner desire for order and physical creativity, and want to be involved in conventional, safe activities. people with this name tend to be creative and excellent at expressing themselves. they are drawn to the arts, and often enjoy life immensely. they are often the center of attention, and enjoy careers that put them in the limelight. they tend to become involved in many different activities, and are sometimes reckless with both their energies and with money.” [ x ]

potter { pot ◦ ter } : the surname potter is an occupational name for a maker of drinking and storage vessels, from an agent derivative of middle english, middle low german pot. in the middle ages the term covered workers in metal as well as earthenware and clay.

—

they named you lily luna potter.

lily was after a girl with hair redder than dragon fire, just like you. your grandmother was not only an extraordinary witch but a beacon of light. lily evans-potter represented the faith that unselfish love could defeat the greatest of evils: death. she had stood for kindness, for strength, for wit, and most of all, for courage ― the fortitude to stand up to enemies and friends alike, to forge one’s own path. the right path. 

but for all of her virtue, there was a certain duality to her, and the same double-edged sword cuts through your heart. you might have her capacity for love, but you also have her overwhelming fury and ferocity. it rages within you like a unstoppable forest fire, burning so bright that anything in the vicinity will be consumed in the flames – including you. sometimes you wish you could tear your bounding heart from your body, just so you could stop this unrelenting aching in your chest, once and for all. you don’t know how to handle your passion, your spark, and you almost feel ruination is all you know. and then a thought presses at your mind, so petrifying it makes your blood runs cold: you could destroy yourself one day. the brightest flames burn out the quickest.

luna was for a woman who carries a different sort of grit than your grandma did: the boldness to always be herself without remorse, without apologies. sometimes you wonder if your godmother ever tried to change. did she ever listen when the world told her what she ought to be? since the day you were born, humanity expected nothing less than greatness from you, and you don’t remember who exactly you were before they molded you into something else. you taught yourself to be fearless and brazen and strong. but even now that you’re following in your parents’ footsteps, you’re still not enough for yourself. slowly, you’re learning not to feel shame and regret when you look into the mirror, but you find the strength to steel yourself somehow, just as luna did. in front of the flashing cameras, you paste the roguish of smiles on your face, never letting them see the cracks in your armor. people are bound to talk. you’ll give them something to talk about.

and much like your namesake luna, you treasure your friends and family with all that you have too. it was always instilled in you that nothing mattered more than your loved ones, and you took that lesson to heart, sharing with them a softness that most people have never witnessed from you. they see the girl behind the facades you wear – the bounding heart you’ve learned to keep hidden away, lest the world finally manages to break it for good.

and everyone knows what potter means. whenever you walk by, people whisper. they point. you hail from the most famous wizarding family there is, and you wear your surname like a badge of honor. you are proud to be a potter and a weasley. the accomplishments your family has amounted are extraordinary. but that’s just it, isn’t it? all your life, you’ve chased glory and praise, but when your father is the wizarding world’s savior, it is impossible to measure up to the world’s expectations of you. you’re not enough, never enough.

you take pride in your name. but you are a walking memorial of a girl, named after a martyr and a maverick. you are never only yourself; you are the names of all that came before you.

and you’ll be in their shadow for the rest of your life.

birthday

august 13, 2008

“august 13 birthday - the horoscope of the sharpshooter

your greatest challenge is: coping with your anger and impatience

the way forward is: to step outside yourself when your emotions reach boiling point. this will remind you that you alone are in charge of your feelings.

people born on august 13 zodiac are no strangers to conflict and controversy. they are sharpshooters who always aim true, and their urge to break with convention compels them to take on challenges or make waves, whatever situation they are in.

the unconventional vision, resilience and tenacity of purpose that are key characteristics of these people can earn both the admiration and the disapproval of others. this is because despite the wounding criticism of those who regard their rebellious notions as ridiculous or fanciful, they always remain faithful to their beliefs. if life doesn’t go their way, they refuse to be crushed by disappointment. and as their unusual imagination is supported by solid analytical skills, more often than not those who start out disagreeing with or disapproving of them will end up admiring their bravery, even if not agreeing with their standpoint.

as risk takers, they have all the courage, discipline and energy to attract success; what they sometimes lack is perfect timing. they need to learn when to cut their losses and move on, when to be patient, and when to pounce.

dynamic and sociable, people born on august 13 zodiac often have a wide circle of friends, and their deeply felt passions and zest for life are incredibly attractive to romantic partners. however, deep insecurities underneath the bravado may block their dreams of intimacy and true love.

on the dark size: brash, insensitive, unrealistic

at your best: ambitious, resilient, courageous” [ x ]

lily came into this world only two days after her mum’s birthday, predestining her to a lifetime of comparisons to ginny. like her mother before her, she was the youngest and only girl, born at the height of summer, with hair as red as hellfire and dark, dark eyes. but anyone who’s truly paying attention could deduce the truth: there is so much harry within lily, far more than there is ginny. it’s uncanny.

because of the proximity of the dates, she’s never had a celebration to herself, and for a girl with two borrowed names, she finds herself craving something – anything – to call her own. would there ever come a day where someone would think of her without thinking of her crippling legacy? she loves her ancestry so much that she would never dare think of breaking free, but sometimes she’s not sure if she’s truly her own person or just a crude amalgam of her family.

gender

a cis-woman

sexuality

bisexual demiromantic

somewhere deep down, lily always had an inkling that she was bisexual, but it took several years for her to come to this revelation while she navigated through her internalized fear and doubt. it certainly wasn’t her family that instilled this as they had always been so accepting and supportive, but society had ingrained compulsory heterosexuality into her, making it difficult for her to find validity in her feelings for girls. she’s still not publicly out, as she isn’t ready to face the vitriol of the media, but her close friends and family all know.

much like her mother in her youth, lily has never dated anyone for long. see, while she often experiences sexual attraction, lily hasn’t quite felt a romantic attraction to anyone in years. there have been inklings of feelings here and there, yes, but never anything truly substantial. lily worries she might never fall in love again, a thought that terrifies her. but what terrifies her even more is falling in love. she’s a contradiction in that regard–she longs for intimacy but she’s afraid to be vulnerable. a highly distrustful and guarded person, she isn’t used to letting her guard down. to lily, that’s how you get hurt.

because she’s demiromantic (although she hasn’t realized it yet), lily needs to feel a romantic attraction, there needs to be an established emotional connection, a kinship. she will never have instant romantic feelings for someone. it takes time for lily to love you–and even more time for her to accept it. falling in love, after all, is opening yourself up to someone who might not feel the same. falling in love means making sacrifices for someone who might betray you. falling in love makes you weak and takes away your control, and that is what scares lily more than almost anything. so it takes a lot of trust for her to willingly admit she’s fallen in love, trust that is very hard for someone to earn.

when lily does love though, she loves recklessly. lily is always consumed by her emotions, and love is far from the exception. for those that she loves, she would eternally condemn herself to the depths of hell without a second of thought. she will bleed and ache and suffer without complaint to protect them. she’ll even kill.

blood status

halfblood

hogwarts house

gryffindor

there was never a doubt in her mind where she would be sorted until she let the sorting hat fall over her eyes. she expected to hear him bellow “gryffindor!” in a matter of seconds, but the hat took his sweet time, telling her that she could find a home with the snakes, if she wished to forge a separate path for herself.

not slytherin, she nearly cried out, clenching the edges of the stool so tightly that her nails sunk into the wood. clearing her throat, she whispered to the hat in a voice so imperious it could order kings to bow, “i will accept nothing less than gryffindor. that is where you will place me.”

the hat considered, lily’s heart pounding so fast it threatened to burst from her chest. “ordering around an all-knowing hat is definitely bold of you, if not incredibly foolish. have it your way then – it’ll have to be gryffindor!”

[ on pottermore, lily has been sorted into slytherin and gryffindor about an equal amount of times. at first glance, lily comes off as the quintessential gryffindor. however, much like her father, lily is someone who could have gone a different path into the snake pit, but ultimately, that was not what she wanted for herself. she exhibits the slytherin qualities of determination, resourcefulness, guile, and ambition, but she doesn’t value them nearly as much as she lauds her bravery, chivalry, and righteousness. and in fact, she scorns slytherin’s tendency towards self preservation. furthermore, lily’s black-and-white views of morality is just so very gryffindor at its heart – her quench for retribution is downright bloodthirsty and ruthless, but in her mind, it’s justice. she is perhaps the darkest and most dangerous sort of gryffindor – the way she sees the world is so skewed, but she views herself as right. whether she is a hero, villain, or something in between is up for debate; wickedness isn’t inherently a slytherin trait, just as goodness isn’t inherently a gryffindor trait. but she’s a gryffindor through and through.

i do think that she possesses many of the traits that salazar slytherin admires in a person though, as much as she tries to deny it. lily doesn’t hate all slytherins, but she remains prejudiced towards the house as a whole. it’s hypocritical and paranoid, really. for a girl so against bigotry, she treats a great deal of slytherins with disdain, perhaps loathing many of them more than they loathe her. the worst part is, she does see parts of herself in every slytherin, and it disgusts her. ]

religion

agnostic christian

religion was never an integral part of the potter household. her memories of attending sunday morning church are few and far between, but lily still identifies as christian, celebrating christmas and easter at the burrow every year. and there is no time better than christmas time in lily’s book. she loves sitting by the crackling fire with a cup of hot cocoa—topped with whipped cream and tiny marshmallows of course. she loves the smell of the fresh pine trees. she loves decorating the house with ornaments and lights and garlands. and if she’s in a particularly good mood, she’ll even attempt to help with the cooking and the baking. (but in all honesty, if she can make it five minutes without destroying the kitchen, that’s a christmas miracle in itself.)

nationality

english

student functions

dueling club captain, gryffindor chaser, s.p.e.w. club member, debate club member

dueling club captain

it might come as a shock that the daughter of two renowned quidditch players would rather be president of the dueling club than the gryffindor quidditch team, but lily’s never had her sights set on pursuing quidditch as a profession. she’s always dreamed of following in her father’s footsteps and joining the auror ranks, so dueling club was the natural first step to honing her combat skills. she’s been a member since the start of her hogwarts career, but it was only this year that she was finally granted that elusive captaincy.

with the sheer strength behind her spellwork and her stellar instincts in a scrimmage, she’s considered to be a dueling prodigy of sorts and has amassed a number of trophies over the years. her marks in defense against the dark arts and charms are unparalleled among her peers because she works so immensely hard to eclipse everyone else – she hopes that some glowing recommendations will prove to them (and herself) that she has earned her spot with the aurors. it won’t be handed to her because of her family name and influence but through painstakingly hard work.

but dueling club isn’t simply a means to an end to lily. there is nothing she covets more than the glorious burn in her muscles in a seething fight – the adrenaline rush when she’s high on a win. she relishes in the pain because it’s a reminder that she’s still alive, that the ice hasn’t completely turned her numb. lily always needs to be moving or else she’ll remember everything she’s trying so hard to forget.

the staff must think of her father and dumbledore’s army when they survey her demonstrations, but little do they know she and the rest of the club have tampered with the dark arts. “is it better to outmonster the monster or to be quietly devoured?” lily doesn’t know the answer, but she thinks of her father’s cold, cold body and the spell that stole his life. she’ll only call upon such terrible magic in the direst of circumstances, but it’s best that she’s aware of exactly what she’s fighting against as far as she’s concerned.

gryffindor chaser

quidditch might be less of a priority to lily than dueling club, but she still cherishes the sport more than she could ever express aloud. she loves the smooth handle of her prized broom, given to her by her dad on her eleventh birthday, engraved with her initials. she relishes in the freedom of the rushing wind against her skin, how alive she feels when she flies. (it’s hard to feel alive these days.) quidditch is her chance to escape herself, to be unfettered from all the thoughts swirling around in her head.

when she learned how to play, she took to the quaffle, not the snitch. lily can never see herself choosing to wait when she can still move – racing around the pitch and scoring goal after goal is better than squinting in the wind, praying for something to happen. there’s nothing like the excitement of the match to get her blood rushing. she knows that when they cheer for her, it’s not because of who she is but because of the points she just scored. there’s no better feeling than that.

she’s thought about quitting – who could think of quidditch in a time like this? but it was her father who taught her how to soar through the sky, and now that he’s gone, she can’t bear to sever that connection to him. so for once, she’ll let herself be selfish.

physical appearance

hair

red. the same red as her mother’s hair, although ginny’s has slightly faded overtime with age. lily’s has natural loose waves, but she has been known to straighten or curl it from time to time. it depends on her whims that day, really. save for one disastrous haircut when she was nine though, her hair has never been short. it’s almost impossible to style short hair after all, and lily adores playing around with different styles. her hair is most often–and unsurprisingly–the first thing people notice about her. it’s hard to miss hair that red in a crowd.

eyes

brown and almond-shaped like her mother. lily breathes passion and emotion, so it’s no surprise that despite her best efforts to conceal her emotions, her eyes are often the window to her soul; they’re so very expressive. lily will make deliberate eye contact almost always–even when lying–except in moments where she’s feeling particularly vulnerable. that is when she will look away. but the expression she makes most often? eye rolls. she’s perfected them over the years.

height

5’0. she’s fairly sure she’s already done growing; she’s about as tall as her mum who stopped growing around sixteen. lily isn’t insecure about her height, but she loathes being underestimated for it. she refuses to allow herself to be disregarded and thought of as a little girl merely because she’s small–as her uncle says, “size is no guarantee of power,” and lily is the utter proof of that.

weight

98 lbs

body type

short and petite

voice

energetic and loud—if one wishes to be heard in the weasley family, loudness is a necessity. and if she’s particularly upset, it’s not uncommon for lily’s voice to turn shrill, high pitched, and piercing. lily also tends to speak in exaggerated tones with a great deal of emphasis placed on her words, and she’s no stranger to swears either, often struggling to tone it down among her superiors. lily’s been told she’s mouthy, and it’s true; she talks a far deal, so much so that it’s hard to get a word in with her around.

gait

lily tends to move swiftly from one place to another, never one to waste time to stop and smell the roses; she has things to do, for merlin’s sake. luckily, she was blessed with grace and coordination unlike some people (hem, hem, teddy), and her posture is decent by all accounts except her aunt fleur’s.

piercings

ears, once on each side.

markings/scars

various scrapes and scars. some of them are from the childhood adventures she used to drag her cousins into; one particular time she attempted to climb the tall oak tree in the burrow’s backyard, which resulted in a concussion, a broken leg, and a large scar on her arm that she covers via magic and makeup. but the vast majority are the product of raging fights and heart-palpitating duels – they are her shining battle scars. she keeps them carefully glamoured to prevent the mirage of her delicacy from shattering, but the truth is, she’s proud of them. they are a symbol of every war she’s won. everything she’s overcome.

personal style

[ tw: sexualization of a minor ]

feminine. lily has always been very comfortable in her femininity, her aunt fleur teaching her from a young age that it’s possible to be both effeminate and strong. she is a strong believer that females should be allowed to dress as they please and not be discriminated against for it, and she loathes it when people write her off as a weak little princess for her fashion choices. lily most often wears blood red lipstick and nail polish–her battle armor in the fight against feminism. most people are surprised to see that a little girl with such “girly” taste has such a mouth on her, but lily potter is no princess in distress. lily potter is the dragon standing guard.

and growing up in the weasley-potter household, she was no stranger to muggle culture, so thus her clothing choices are much more similar to that of a teenage muggle girl than a budding witch. she loves dresses and skirts and blouses and crop tops, and don’t even get her started on stilettos. she has one particular leather jacket though, given to her by her brother victoire, that she actually doesn’t mind wearing—as long as she has her stockings and leather miniskirt on. she’s almost never seen without makeup on–blush, lipstick, and mascara at the very least–and she keeps her nails sharp and painted. lily has actually assisted her uncle with the wonderwitch line at weasley’s wizard wheezes before; she helped george develop a line of long-staying lipstick and nail polish. 

her wardrobe choices are considered promiscuous by the media. her skirts are too short. too much of her cleavage shows in her tops. she exposes her midriff more than she should. but lily doesn’t dress the way that she does to attract people–she dresses the way that she does because she likes it. she won’t stand for accusations of “distracting the males around her.” it isn’t her job to dress more modestly to aid their self control. if a boy touches her without her permission or uses misogynistic slurs towards her, she will destroy them without a single thought.

the media made the mistake of sexualizing her from a young age, calling her all sorts of names like whore and slag. her clothes are a “fuck you” to rita skeeter and the journalists at witch weekly. you want to see a girl gone wild? then that’s what you’ll get, darling. (the anger seethes in her body so long that it rots her bones – one day she’ll come for them all.)

headcanons

fears

losing more family, not living up to expectations, disappointing her family and not living up to the family name, never finding love, opening up to be rejected or betrayed, the thought of being afraid itself, being powerless or limited, not being in control of herself, being perceived as weak, not being able to save the people she cares about, falling in love with the wrong person, the possibility that she’s just as terrible as the people she loathes, not making it as an auror

her fears are most often abstract rather than physical, tangible things. in fact, lily’s boggart manifests into her body on the floor, trapped in a full body bind while helplessly watching a faceless person murder the people she cares about, one by one. the deadliest foes will not make her blink but the very thought of being powerless when she needs her the strength the most? it can be crippling. when she was first faced with her boggart in her third year whilst in dada class, lily froze for several seconds, absolutely paralyzed by the image, a fact she still denies to this day. she is a potter. she is the strong one. she isn’t supposed to know fear. (oh but she does.)

goals

[ tw: parental death ]

ending the war, becoming an auror, living up to her name, freeing herself from her family’s shadow, making the world a better place, finding a way to impose justice on those who’ve wronged her

lily longs to make her family proud of her, but even more so, she wishes to escape their shadow, to be seen as a separate entity. she wants to earn her accomplishments, not be handed them on a silver platter. she wants to make a change, a true difference. it’s idealistic of her, but that’s what she wants. if lily glimpsed into the mirror of erised before her father’s death, she would have seen herself finally free from her father’s shadow, being given the order of merlin first class, her proud family in the background. but now? if she were to look, all she would see is her father, standing right by her side.

amortentia

firewhiskey, petrichor, firewood, hot chocolate, broom polish, old books, roses, treacle tart, strawberries and whipped cream, french vanilla, the sea, chocolate chip cookies baking in the oven, cinnamon, cherries, cloves

patronus

phoenix.

“the phoenix is a difficult patronus to come by, and if you do happen to have it, it signifies a very strong heart. these people have been through a lot in their life, and have risen from the ashes of it and become driven, daring, and a bit stubborn. they will not let anything bring them down, because they’ve been there before and never want to go back to that place. they have fire-like emotions, and can therefore be a bit tense at times. they are natural therapists, wanting to help others get out of tough places to allow them to rise as well. the most common house for a phoenix patronus is gryffindor. the most common signs are leo and taurus.” [ x ]

everything in that description is so lily to me, but because i like to be thorough, i’m going to delve in a little deeper.

the phoenix is a bird with red and gold plumage–the colors of gryffindor. and although lily does have traits from the other houses as well, she is essentially the textbook gryffindor. their scarlet body feathers glow in the darkness, and their gold tail feathers are scorching to the touch, a perfect metaphor for the flames within her.

phoenixes are said to be capable of carrying tremendously large loads, and this also screams lily to me because this is the girl who’s trying to carry the world on her shoulders. she may be failing, but merlin is she trying. and the truth is, lily can withstand a great deal before hitting her limit, her breaking point. just like a phoenix.

phoenixes are symbols of rebirth and healing; they may go up in flames every now and again, but every time, they come back from it. they come back from it just as strong as they were before. this is lily. she is the girl with the elastic heart, the girl who’s overcome so much in her small time on earth thus far. and she will do whatever it takes to heal her loved ones until her last dying breath.

the phoenix song evokes bravery in the hearts of the righteous and strikes terror into the hearts of the wicked – lily is a person who has the capacity to save the planet from the brink of devastation or set it on flames herself. but one thing is for certain: she will change the world.

lastly, the phoenix is of course the symbol of the order of the phoenix. her loyalty to the order’s values and her family is unwavering, and to me, it makes sense that her patronus would also reflect that.

wand

[ tw: parental death ]

12 inches, cypress, dragon heartstring, hard

“cypress - cypress wands are associated with nobility. the great medieval wandmaker, geraint ollivander, wrote that he was always honoured to match a cypress wand, for he knew he was meeting a witch or wizard who would die a heroic death. fortunately, in these less blood-thirsty times, the possessors of cypress wands are rarely called upon to lay down their lives, though doubtless many of them would do so if required. wands of cypress find their soul mates among the brave, the bold and the self-sacrificing: those who are unafraid to confront the shadows in their own and others’ natures.

dragon heartstring - symbolizes power and wisdom. those who are strong, wise, compassionate, dedicated, relentless, resilient, bold, strong-minded, head-strong, powerful, ambitious, highly determined and driven (to obsessive), have strong desire and/or stubborn would have this wand core. having such a wand core suggests that you can be bossy at times, but also have a fiery disposition and have firm convictions, which will lead you down the road to leadership, as well as being devoted and selfless. this is the best core to have for hexes, the dark arts and all manner of elemental magic. it is a core predominantly found among those of house slytherin, but can also bond well with those of house ravenclaw and house gryffindor. as a rule, dragon heartstring cores produce wands with the most power, and which are capable of the most flamboyant spells. wands with dragon heartstring cores tend to learn more quickly than other types. in elemental magic, dragon heartstring cores are the most flexible of all the common cores, being that they work well with all manner of elemental spells, but no doubt that fire spells are among the most potent with this core type. while they can change allegiance if won from their original master, they always bond strongly with the current owner. such wands also tend to be easiest to turn to the dark arts, though they will not incline that way of their own accord. such wands are also the most prone to the ‘three cores to accidents’, being somewhat temperamental. dragon heartstring cores are a powerful wand core with a lot of magical “heft”. they are not the wand core you want for subtlety, but for sheer power, they are definitely the best. although they are the most common core among dark wizards and dark witches, they are most certainly not their most common users. dragon heartstring cores are by far the most common wand core amongst slytherins, but their power often bonds well to gryffindors and ravenclaws as well. however, they tend to overwhelm the archetypal hufflepuff personality.

hard - a wand of this flexibility is very difficult to work with and its loyalty is not won easily. hard wands are great for complex and advanced levels of magic, so beginning wizards and witches may find extra difficulty with this wand when it doesn’t perform well for simple magic. as such, this type of wand is best suited for wizards and witches who are gifted, stubborn, and never give up. owners of this wand also have a tendency to view things in absolutes; black or white. some people may find them intimidating or difficult to approach.” [ x ]

in classical antiquity, the cypress tree was a symbol of mourning, death, and the underworld, and it remains the most common cemetery tree in europe. her wand wood is not only a metaphor for lily’s name and all that her family has lost but also a poignant symbol of her underlying trauma – the early death of her childhood. the most well-known myth about the cypress tree is the tale of cyparissus and his beloved stag companion, who he accidentally murdered with his hunting javelin. his sorrow was so consuming that he begged to weep forever, transforming into a cypress tee, with the tree’s sap as his tears. as the stag is of course harry’s patronus, it all relates back to her father and her grief over him.

bad habits

becoming so intensely focused that she forgets to eat, over-straining or over-extenuating herself, being quick to anger, drinking too much, reality television, swearing, using romantic relationships and hook-ups as a means to feel better about herself, staying up too late, having too many cups of coffee per day, lying to others (and herself), seeing things too black-and-white, being too loud, over-involving herself into others’ affairs, letting her emotions completely consume her, placing blame where it does not belong (on both herself and others), deflecting with sarcasm

likes

peonies and roses (her favorite flowers, not lilies), pop music (she likes upbeat songs she can dance to -- her favorite artists are lorde, beyonce, rihanna, sia, and marina and the diamonds and she almost exclusively listens to female artists), quidditch (she plays chaser like her mum), reality television (a guilty pleasure), the sea (when she’s around water, she feels at peace for once for it soothes the flames burning within her), coffee, hot chocolate (it reminds her of christmas, her favorite time of the year), the color red, muggle literature, family, romance movies (another guilty pleasure though she’ll never admit it), french food, dueling, honeydukes chocolate, treacle tart (it’s her favorite, much like her father), alcohol, fashion, puppies (she will not tolerate cats), warm weather, fire, dueling, nail polish (she has a plethora of colors), stilettos, and surprisingly a great deal of “nerdy” things (such as star wars, lord of the rings, and comic books) but if you try to call her a nerd she’s likely to punch you

quirks

lily cannot cook at all and has set her kitchen on fire multiple occasions.

she loves to sing but is so horrifically tone deaf that she truly shouldn’t. (her favorite genre is pop.)

her art consists of poorly colored stick figures, honestly resembling that of a child’s.

for someone so fiery, she is very averse to the winter. three minutes in the cold and she’ll be absolutely freezing—goosebumps and all.

she much prefers muggle clothes to robes.

secrets

[ tw: emotional abuse, binge drinking/developing alcoholism, ptsd ]

lily has always been brazen and intrepid and fierce, but as a child, she was just a bit softer, before the world hardened her. unfortunately, growing up under the microscope of the media, she was still left vulnerable to vitriol and sexualization, and it forced her to grow up too fast, despite her family’s best efforts to shield their little girl. this is when her insecurities truly started to grapple her, but she responded by putting on an unbreakable facade and feigning confidence. when she was in her third year, she dated someone for the first time, a fifth year named adonis. he was utterly beguiling, like a python before it swallows you whole. at first, there was the honeymoon period where she felt as though she were on top of the world – a beautiful older boy was interested in her. but it was all a cruel game to him, and over time, he pinpointed her insecurities and used them to influence and control her in a manner that was so sly it took her ages to realize it. this was all while convincing her to keep their relationship a secret, so her family would be none the wiser, which isolated her from those who truly cared about her. after about five or six months, she finally recognized something was very wrong and broke free from him, but the emotional abuse and gaslighting left its toll on her as she came to terms with it. never in her life had she felt so stupid, so foolish, and she vowed to never lose control again. this heavily contributed to her fear of falling in love. nowadays, she never lasts in a romantic relationship long, flitting from person to person. she hasn’t ever talked about what happened, but in his seventh year (her fifth), she discovered that he was isolating and manipulating another girl, and she clandestinely struck with a curse that left him permanently blind. never again would he be able to touch her – or anyone else. she can only hope the taste of her was worth it.

after she broke up with him, she also started drinking at parties to endure the fame and trauma, savoring how the firewhiskey numbed her and allowed her an temporary escape from herself. it started out innocuous, but over the years, she’s fallen deeper into alcoholism as it’s very much a coping mechanism for her. while she doesn’t truly hide her drinking, she shuts down anyone who tries to tell her she has a problem. 

she’s still a virgin. she’s fooled around before, but every time she comes close to letting someone truly see her, she thinks about how she almost slept with someone she shouldn’t have. she’s never properly dealt with the trauma from her first relationship, but as far she’s concerned, she’s perfectly fine.

her confidence is merely a mask for her insecurities about not being good enough. fake it until you make it, muggles say, and lily cannot disagree.

she pretends as if she isn’t afraid of anything—as if nothing fazes her—when in reality, she knows fear just as much as everyone else. she simply won’t admit it.

jung type

enfj. (extroversion over introversion; intuition over sense; feelings over thoughts; judging over perceiving)

“enfjs are the benevolent ‘pedagogues’ of humanity. they have tremendous charisma by which many are drawn into their nurturant tutelage and/or grand schemes. many enfjs have tremendous power to manipulate others with their phenomenal interpersonal skills and unique salesmanship. but it’s usually not meant as manipulation — enfjs generally believe in their dreams, and see themselves as helpers and enablers, which they usually are.

enfjs are global learners. they see the big picture. the enfjs focus is expansive. some can juggle an amazing number of responsibilities or projects simultaneously.many enfjs have tremendous entrepreneurial ability.

enfjs are, by definition, js, with whom we associate organization and decisiveness. but they don’t resemble the sjs or even the ntjs in organization of the environment nor occasional recalcitrance. enfjs are organized in the arena of interpersonal affairs. their offices may or may not be cluttered, but their conclusions (reached through feelings) about people and motives are drawn much more quickly and are more resilient than those of their nfp counterparts.

enfjs know and appreciate people. like most nfs, (and feelers in general), they are apt to neglect themselves and their own needs for the needs of others. they have thinner psychological boundaries than most, and are at risk for being hurt or even abused by less sensitive people. enfjs often take on more of the burdens of others than they can bear.” [ x ]

moral alignment

chaotic good.

“chaotic stands overall for freedom and adaptability, and especially chaotic good embodies that. characters of this alignment disdain bureaucratic organisations that get in the way of social improvement and place high value on personal freedom - but not just their own, but the personal freedom of others as well. since they are on the good axis, they are altruistic and intend to do what is right, regardless of what society may think of it, or whether they go against the law while doing it. think of a vigilante that’s a champion of the people, but frequently breaks the law helping people. they’re not much for planning and extensive organisation versus improvisation, and may create conflict in a team if they feel being pushed around (by, for instance, a lawful character). chaotic good characters might best work independently for that reason, or at least with someone who will respect their personal boundaries.

traits: rebellious, free-spirited, listens to their conscience, follows own moral compass, independent, kind, benevolent, believes in goodness, cares little for laws and regulations, good-natured, unpredictable, value freedom, believe people should follow their own desires, responsible, doubt their government, reckless

positives: combines a good heart with a free spirit, encourages selflessness, encourages freedom and equality, doing good is not seen as a duty, doing good is their responsibility, punishes evil and protects the innocent, keep their word, helps those in need, never kills for pleasure

negatives: disrupts the order of society, punishes those who do well for themselves, often resent authority, refuse to do good as a duty even if they end up doing it anyway on their own terms, promote society with little control from the government, occasionally breaks the law, may resort to torture when deemed necessary, may kill when deemed necessary” [ x ]

temperament

choleric.

“the choleric is an extroverted, hot-tempered, quick thinking, active, practical, strong-willed and easily annoyed person. cholerics are self-confident, self-sufficient and very independent minded. they are decisive and opinionated and find it easy to make decisions for themselves as well as others. cholerics tend to leave little room for negotiating. the choleric is a visionary and seems to never run out of ideas, plans and goals, which are usually very practical. the choleric does not require as much sleep as the other temperaments so their activity seems endless. their activity almost always has a purpose because they are by nature result-oriented. they usually do not give in to the pressure of what others think unless they see that they cannot get the desired results. cholerics can be crusaders against social injustice as they love to fight for a cause. cholerics are both direct and firm when responding to others. they are slow to build relationships because results tend to be more important than people. they do not easily empathize with the feelings of others or show compassion. cholerics think big and seek positions of authority.” [ x ]

enneagram

type eight (with a type seven wing).

“the powerful, dominating type:

self-confident, decisive, willful, and confrontational

generally, eights are strong, assertive, resourceful, independent, determined, action-oriented, pragmatic, competitive, straight-talking, shrewd, and insistent.

eights get into conflicts by being blunt, willful, domineering, forceful, defiant, confrontational, bad-tempered, rageful, cynical, and vengeful.

at their best, eights are honorable, heroic, empowering, generous, gentle, constructive, initiating, decisive, and inspiring.

enneagram type 8 with the 7 wing desire to appear commanding and see themselves as outspoken, innovative, intense, daring, striking, attractive and tenderhearted.

basic fear: of being harmed or controlled by others.

basic desire: to protect themselves, to be in control of their own life and destiny.

basic motivations: want to be self-reliant, to prove their strength and resist weakness, to be important in their world, to dominate the environment, and to stay in control of their situation.

stress point: type five - withdraws, avoids people, observes and thinks, consolidates plans.

security point: type two - protector of the weak, generous, helpful, charming.” [ x ]

soul type

the warrior.

the source i used for this one was another long page [ x ], so i’m just going to copy and paste the quotes that seemed particularly lily-ish.

“warriors are forceful souls; they embody qualities of strength, courage and determination. like kings, warriors are action-oriented beings, and therefore down-to-earth, single-minded and very willful. unlike kings, however, they tend to be more attracted to the cut and thrust of battle (whether real or metaphorical), preferring to just get stuck in rather than to stand back pulling all the strings.”

“warrior souls tend to see life in terms of confrontations and rising to the challenge. there are causes to serve, struggles to be overcome, battles to be won. they like to be on the front line with their trusted comrades, and strongly value both courage and loyalty. the basic drive of any warrior is to uphold something “right” and defeat something “wrong”, however those two are defined.”

“in the positive pole, persuasion, a warrior is forceful and effective without being overbearing. in other words, respectfully persuasive, courageous and protective. in the negative pole, coercion, the warrior descends into intimidation.”

zodiac

her sun sign is leo.

“the lion.

fixed, fire, yang - planetary ruler: the sun. keywords: i will

leo is the fifth sign of the zodiac and rules the back, the spine, and the heart. positive traits include creativity, charisma, generosity, warmth, enthusiasm, a natural talent for leadership, and a great deal of inner power; negative traits are haughtiness, snobbery, an expectation that one is the centre of attention and should be waited on by everyone else, profligacy, lack of realism, dominance that can lead to bullying, and a refusal to change one’s mind even in the face of solid facts.

this is a natural sign for gryffindors, not least because the griffin is part lion. gryffindors born under this sign are outgoing, friendly, affectionate, and likeable. they make friends easily and are crushed when their advances are rejected. their romantic, chivalrous nature makes them perfect examples of all that is best in their house. however, they are also bossy, domineering, spendthrift, and overly dramatic (ever heard the phrase ‘drama queen?’) they have sharp tempers and need to learn to direct their anger toward only needful causes. the natural creativity and flamboyance of leo makes gryffindors born under this sign good at most everything they attempt, provided they apply themselves to learning magic rather than using magic to hog the limelight.” [ x ]

her moon sign is scorpio, a fixed water sign. the moon sign explanation i’m using [ x ] is particularly long, so i’m not going to copy and paste the whole thing, but here are some things on there that i feel really apply to lily.

“because the depth of your emotions – their strength and potential power – can be so intense, they can at times be overwhelming. early on in life, you may find yourself swinging between extremes of emotional peaks and troughs, feeling intensely and acutely every dimension of life. you are reminded not to collapse yourself into your emotions, or believe just because an emotion has intensity it must be acted upon. part of your nature requires you to allow strong feelings to unfold without being overcome by them.”

“you feel intensely, for better or for worse. this can at times make you seem vulnerable, but in truth you are likely to have much strength. your emotional nature combines sensitivity with the instinctual awareness that real growth only happens through episodes of pain and transformation.”

“there may be a tendency to try and protect this vulnerability, hiding the true depths of what you really feel. this tendency to suppress your emotions can go both ways. on the one hand, you may try to detach from uncomfortable emotions, and avoid circumstances that will really get you to feel. you may protect yourself from close encounters with others, and find emotional release through fictional or fantasy-based sources. or, you may attempt to control and dominate others with moodiness, lashing out at them before they can ‘get to you’. defense is used as a form of offense to prevent others discovering how sensitive and vulnerable you really feel.”

“at its highest level, the moon in scorpio gives you the ability to transform your own and others lives. you can act as an agent for change to become a catalyst for greater growth and awareness. you can help others shift their psychological values. the potential power contained here is enormous. you have the opportunity to be a force for change.”

lastly her ascendant sign is aries, with mars also in aries. again, the page i’m using [ x ] is long, so i’m just going to copy and paste some things that stand out to me.

“people with aries ascendants are direct and quick. their first instinct is to do, rather than think.”

“some aries rising people are competitive, but they generally put most of the pressure on themselves. these people love to come out ahead in all that they do. they get ready quickly, walk quickly, and have little patience for dilly-dallying. their temper is quick, too.”

“your ruling planet, mars, is also in aries: you are a fireball of vitality and a true warrior. become a master of yourself and conquer your own arrogance, impatience, and anger before you go out to conquer the world or burn yourself out.”  

tropes

action girl, chronic hero syndrome, determinator, good is not soft, tsundere, lady of adventure, red is heroic, fool for love, the idealist, rebellious spirit, lethal chef, go-getter girl, fiery redhead

character parallels

blossom (powerpuff girls), barbara gordon (batman comics), rose hathaway (vampire academy), buffy summers (buffy: the vampire slayer), anastasia (anastasia 1997), leia organa (star wars), mary jane watson (spiderman), nina zenik (six of crows), kim possible (kim possible), kayley (quest for camelot), sabrina spellman (chilling adventures of sabrina), arya stark (a song of ice and fire), rey (star wars)

element

fire

lily is the living embodiment of fire – most of the time, she is a seething forest fire, and all she knows is destruction. but some days, she’s reduced down to a mere spark, a flicker. no matter what though, she’s always burning.

deadly sin

wrath

she is choleric and vindictive and ferocious and wicked. she knows this, and deep down, she’s utterly terrified that she might truly be a horrible person. she wasn’t always this bitter, this cruel, but she is never going to be the girl she once was. she isn’t ever coming back.

heavenly virtue

charity

lily isn’t infallible – she’s a teenage girl after all – but she’s surprisingly selfless when it comes to the people she cares about. she’d do just about anything for them. hell, she’d sacrifice herself for any of them without hesitation if it ever came down to it. her wand wood is cypress for a reason.

history

birthplace

st. mungo’s hospital

residence

godric’s hallow

socioeconomic status

upper class, wealthy

pets

a little cairn terrier named toto

lily is such a dog person – once during her first year she and hagrid tried to sneak in another three-headed puppy into hogwarts; he was a vicious little thing named buddy (because these two consider any dog their buddy, even if it could bite their head off). but minerva mcgonagall caught her in the nick of time and the poor headmistress chewed them out so loudly that the hogsmeade villagers most likely heard. and buddy was given back to his original owner. but now lily owns a little cairn terrier who means the world to her – the only boy she’s ever loved, or so she claims. his name is toto because he looks suspiciously like toto from wizard of oz, a favorite childhood movie of hers, and he was given to lily last year by her close friend, clarabel, who’s particularly talented at conjuring animals. curiously, his personality and disposition almost mirrors clarabel’s, most likely because she was the one who brought him to life. as toto isn’t technically “real” (please don’t say this to her), he does not age and could disappear at any given moment, which was the only reason why she was allowed to bring him to hogwarts. granted, it took several impassioned speeches to mcgonagall that went something along the lines of “albus is allowed to bring a ferret, but i can’t bring a dog? ferrets carry diseases, headmistress!” it’s almost remarkable how a girl this hardened can be so soft in the presence of dogs.

father

[ tw: parental death ]

lily adored her father to the point of idolization. from a young age, lily became convinced that he could do no wrong, that he was impervious to evil and completely invincible. he was the savior of the wizarding world. the world’s hero. her hero. she would have followed him to the end of the world. it is because of him that she has always dreamed of becoming an auror. she wanted to make him proud, and moreover, she wants to do some good in the world herself. however, her idolization of her father certainly has its negative effects; she puts him on so high of a pedestal that she can’t admit his faults, especially now. not to mention, she’s so concerned about not living up to the expectations of the potter name and is convinced she will never be able to. she will never live up to her dad. and she will spend the rest of her life not knowing how proud of her he really was.

mother

her relationship with her mother is much healthier than her relationship with her father. although she’s always been a bit closer to harry, ginny and lily are still close to each other, and ginny is most protective over her youngest daughter because she always longed for a girl. while harry taught her how to fly, it was ginny who taught her how to play quidditch. lily inherited her natural chaser skills (among other things). lily would confide in her mother almost anything. yes, they do argue because their personalities are both so strong, but there is complete trust and respect between the two of them.

siblings

in the potter-weasley clan, family is valued over anything, and her older siblings are no exception. although they are older in age, lily is viciously protective over them. she watches out for them because she needs them—she needs albus and james. she has no clue what she’d do without her brothers around, but she never wants to find out. lily would lay down her lives for them in a heartbeat, no hesitation at all, no questions asked. because if it’s between them or her, she’d choose herself every time. they have their rows–all siblings do–but at the end of the day, she’s with them until the end of the line.

early history

i. rooting

your relatives always tell the same little anecdotes about your birth. after all those times you hear them over family dinner, birthday parties, the frequent family outings ― any time and place your parents could embarrass you, honestly ― you memorize them.

mum will always go on and on about the pain, how it felt like “a bloody watermelon was coming out of my birth canal,” and dad will always reminisce about how she cursed like a sailor at him every five minutes for “putting this goddamn demon baby in my tiny stomach” and how she threatened to strangle him later. uncle ron will always talk about how he almost fainted when you came out of mum because holy crap the blood. and of course, grandma will always reprimand them for exaggerating and reassure everyone that mum never once called you a demon.

but here’s the part that always sticks to you the most: you were the hardest, most painful birth out of the three. when your mother finally did manage to push you out, you kicked and screamed and cried, and she looked at you and faintly murmured, still weak from the pain, “that’s it. i’m done.”

and you are their final child.

✿ ❀ ✿ ❀ ✿

the youngest and smallest daughter of a prodigious family, you grow up showered with unadulterated affection and care ― you are so loved that you could drown in its depths. there is never a single moment you doubt just how much they cherish you. it’s in every bear hug, every kiss to your forehead, every pinched cheek. they love you more than the world itself, giving you everything that they have, teaching you all that they know.

grandpa instills in you a curiosity and compassion for the mortal world, like the foolhardy little mermaid’s fascination with the shore up above. “just because they don’t share the same powers we do doesn’t mean they’re magicless,” he insists. “everyone has magic flowing inside of their veins. there are people out there who somehow manage to remember every tune on the radio, children who always know how to make their big siblings laugh, grandmas who always brew a perfect cup of tea. you don’t think there’s something magic to that? all you have to do is look, lils. you’ll see it.”

grandma tries to teach you how to cook, but you’re so quickly infuriated in the kitchen that your magic bubbles to a boil as steaming as dragon fire. before you can stop it, it bursts through the seams of your body and sets the food alight. every damn time. after aquamenti’s spluttered out for the fifteenth time amongst the thick and engulfing smoke, molly just heaves a sigh and shakes her head. “well, we’ll try again when you’re older, darling.” (why is it so much easier for you to destroy than create? sometimes you feel as though you are ruination entrapped in a tiny slip of a girl as it pounds and hollers to be set free. nurture is the gene that you failed to inherit, and it haunts you.)

but mum shows you how to wield those flames inside of you, to take the destruction and demolition thumping in your chest and weaponize it. “your family will always be here to fight for you, but it’s still important that you learn how to fend for yourself.” you learn how to fight tooth and nail. the muggle way, without the divinity of a wand. you’re the spitting image of your mother, small as they come, but size is no guarantee of power. you know that well. when you play make believe, you never demand to be the princess but the knight in shining armor, sword and shield in hand.

from your uncle ron, you learn to have courage in the presence of fear, and from aunt hermione, social justice and protest. uncle bill and aunt fleur teach you that inner beauty is as valuable, if not more, than outer beauty. uncle charlie shows you that there was no harm in a little (or a lot of) danger. uncle george and fred illustrate the indispensable power of laughter and tomfoolery ― what good’s existence if you don’t know how to live? uncle percy’s lesson is perhaps the most important, a lesson he almost understood too late: never to abandon your family. “always remember this, lily, we all love you so much no matter what.” percy stresses.

they love you.

and your dad ― he teaches you how to love them back.

ii. rising

then you’re a little ten-year-old upset that your brothers, your godbrother, and your cousins have left you. in the dust. for a castle ― a magical castle where there are ghosts and trolls and a talking hat. a talking sorting hat who somehow shoulders the responsibility of deciding your entire fucking future. (gryffindor? oh merlin, please, gryffindor.)

and most of them can’t even be bothered to pick up the quill and properly write.

but you don’t cry over these things, see? you never cry. (everyone says you’re like your mum. she never cries. dad secretly likes that about mum. dad isn’t much for tears.)

dad doesn’t mind if you cry, he says, but you don’t want to bother him. he’s a weary war hero, even if he pretends to not be for you. he’s had enough. he’s seen enough. he’s felt enough pain for a lifetime. and all is finally well for him, apparently.

you don’t want him to have to deal with your problems.

last time you ever allowed yourself to cry ― you were around five or six? there was a thunderstorm. it was the first one you remembered in your life. (yeah. you fucking cried over a thunderstorm.) no one seemed to be able to calm you down, no one but james. james came over, wet and unruly hair sticking up on all ends, and said “it’s going to be okay, lils, i’m here. no one’s going to hurt you.”

no one will hurt you while your family’s here. so what use is getting upset over anything? they will always be there. to protect you.

and anyways. you’re lily fucking potter.

you’re the chosen one’s daughter.

what the hell do you need tears for? tears are for the weak.

you should be able to bloody take care of yourself.

you should be able to bloody protect them.

✿ ❀ ✿ ❀ ✿

growing up in such a large family, you have become accustom to chaos and pandemonium and a cacophony of hollering voices. but with so many of them gone away, it’s so disturbingly quiet when you come around the burrow.

your uncle ron takes it upon himself to teach you wizard chess.

of course, you lose at first.

but you’re not one for giving up.

also there’s something satisfying about controlling your pieces and planning your moves ― having power over something feels good.

there’s also something very desensitizing about winning a match and seeing your opponent’s piece violently ― barbarically as your aunt hermione says ― shatter to crumbs.

but maybe that’s a little twisted. getting satisfaction off of that.

aunt hermione seems to be concerned about it.

the point is though ― you get good.

you’re bold and reckless and instinctual in your moves, yes. but you get very good.

iii. blooming

[ tw: emotional abuse and alcoholism ]

you’re finally at hogwarts.

and you’re a gryffindor. thank merlin. (the hat said almost slytherin. but definitely gryffindor. you begged and told it “not slytherin.” and so it put you into gryffindor almost immediately after.

as far you’re concerned, that hat was probably rather tipsy that night. if it can talk and sing songs and make decisions, it can get drunk, okay?

and the words that it said while it was intoxicated? can’t be held accounted for.

so thus: you’re a gryffindor. through and through.

no one else needs to know anything different.)

you owl your entire family about it. they’re all proud. most of them say you could have been in any house and it would have been absolutely fine. but they’re all quite proud.

✿ ❀ ✿ ❀ ✿

in third year, you date a boy for the first time.

he sends you love letters. meets with you outside of school. tells you not to tell anyone about him. that sends off warning signs immediately. why can’t your family know? what the fuck is going on?

“let’s keep it a secret, just for now. i don’t want anyone to screw us up, lil. i don’t think they’d like me.”

“why wouldn’t my family like you? i like you. i’d make them like you.”

“please, lil, we can tell them eventually. i’m just scared to right now. you’re the first person i’ve ever had feelings for.”

you’ve always had a very low trust for people, there’s something you love about being called lil though. so you’re wary. but you decide to listen. this time.

but this time turns into just one more time. and it cycles. you excuse things you shouldn’t, all in the name of love. he isolates you, and he knows just how to push your buttons, to pinpoint your insecurities and lash out like a snake.

it takes you months, but you finally come to your senses and see it for what it is: plain and simple abuse. you untether yourself from him.

and then you try your best to forget about it.

maybe that’s part of the reason why you enjoy firewhiskey the first time you try it, just after you turn fourteen.

it burns like it should. it makes you numb. it’s a proper escape.

and it’s pretty damn clear: love gets in the way of things. love is pointless.

also, no one’s allowed to call you lil. ever again.

iv: wilting

[ tw: parental death ]

you’re sixteen. you just turned fucking sixteen.

and your dad’s dead.

your dad’s dead and you didn’t get to say goodbye and the last fucking thing you have of him? it’s his map.

you’d protect that map with your life. even if you’d rather have him.

✿ ❀ ✿ ❀ ✿

it’s all a blur for a while. the condolences, the flowers, the funeral, the memorial, the tears…it’s all just a blur.

you just…you don’t understand why he’s dead.

a war hero. the head of the auror department. the savior. the chosen one.

he was the best of the best.

and he’s dead.

what hope does anyone still have?

practically none.

but dad would want you to have hope.

so you do your best to have some.

your family is just so clearly a mess though. even if they’re all mostly trying to hide it.

you’re the only one in mcgonagall’s army who actually seems to give a damn about people and this hopeless fucking world that’s probably not even worth saving in the first place.

so it’s just all on you now.

because dad’s not here.

he was supposed to always be there.

but he’s not anymore.

but it’s all right. (it’s all right, it’s all right, it’s all right. you’re the hero of this story. don’t need to saved.)

you need to do something. you can’t just sit down and cry about it.

dad was always so selfless and concerned about the people he loved, but now that he’s not here? you don’t think that dad would really want you to just let his world go to hell.

when you were younger? you knew you wanted to be an auror. and he was proud of that. he helped train you. he was preparing you for this. maybe in some sick, twisted way…the universe meant for this to happen, for him to be taken away from you.

maybe he knew it too. and that’s why he tried so hard to prepare you.

the reasons don’t really matter, you don’t want to fucking talk to anyone about it. this is all just your job now.

that’s it.

iv: falling

you become harsh and hopeless, a storm that never seems to break. gone is the girl who was terrified of lightning and thunder – now you embody them, reveling in the demolition. you are untouchable, and you’re not sure if it’s a blessing or a curse.

if your father was still alive, you wonder if he would be proud.

but you know in your heart, he wouldn’t.

personality

strengths

caring, protective, loyal, intelligent, passionate, determined, brave, outgoing, selfless, witty, cunning, chivalrous, charismatic, adventurous, capable, ambitious, bold, independent, kind, generous, loving, well-intentioned, heroic, willful, free-spirited, warm, revolutionary, compassionate, decisive, hard-working, intuitive, pro-active, family-oriented

weaknesses

paranoid, envious, grudge-holder, blunt, outspoken, misconstrued perceptions, over-drinks, distrustful, stubborn, argumentative, hotheaded, feels the overwhelming need to save everyone and fix everything, too emotionally driven to the point of being illogical, impatient, reckless, lack of regard for her own life, sarcastic, insecure, unyielding, inability to admit she’s wrong, worrier, perfectionist, dishonest, controlling, competitive, unpredictable, erratic, tempestuous, difficulty resisting temptation, spiteful, fearless to the point of harming herself, self-righteous, judgmental, vengeful, violent, manipulative, hypocritical

personality overview

lily is known for her liveliness and her energy. the girl can’t stand being bored, and sitting around doing nothing frustrates her more than anything. most of the gryffindors view her as fun, but her idea of fun doesn’t align with everyone. she likes excitement and adventure. she’d take a swim in the lake when it’s freezing cold outside; she’d drink until she’s completely wasted; she’d set off fireworks in the great hall with her friends; she’d even explore the forbidden forest at night if she’s bored enough.

she’s also known for her quick wit and sense of humor, always ready with a comeback. her favorite teachers call her cheeky, while her least favorite call her a troublemaker. she’ll mouth off to anyone, consequences be damned, and it’s earned her a fair amount of detention sentences over the years. she just can’t help it but sass most of the time. it’s almost a defense mechanism, a way for lily to deflect.

lily knows how to lie, and admittedly, she’s very often dishonest. but she knows how to persuade. she speaks with conviction, her voice unwavering as she spins her webs, a stellar actress. she’s not pathological, but there’s a lot she likes to keep to herself. a lot of weakness and vulnerability that she doesn’t like to share with just anyone. at times, lily is so talented at lying that she is capable of deluding herself, burying some things that she doesn’t care to admit so far in the cobwebs of her mind that the denial becomes subconscious.

she has the heart of a lion. fierce, bold, and strong, lily’s the type of person you’d want beside you in a time of crisis. she’s a textbook gryffindor, ready for a fight and nearly impossible to scare. the girl could be considered too brave; her unwavering courageousness could easily get her killed someday. things that should terrify any sane person, such as bloodthirsty death eaters or hungarian horntails, never scare her. lily is recklessly dauntless, and she’s proud of it. there is nothing she values about herself more than her bravery. if you want lily to go berserk, all you have to do is call her a coward.

lily isn’t afraid to say what she thinks or stand up to people. she’s blunt and outspoken–sometimes harsh – always feeling the need to express her opinion. to make matters worse, she’s very argumentative and steadfast on her beliefs; she could debate for hours about something. in fact, lily actually enjoys arguing and debate, sometimes even picking fights with blood elitists and slytherins merely due to boredom, provoking them for no reason other than craving combat. incredibly hot-tempered, she’s usually fighting with someone about one thing or another and isn’t afraid to resort to violence if her point isn’t coming across.

there is a softer, kinder side to lily behind all her bravado though. she isn’t exactly nice, but she is caring and selfless. and she isn’t inherently cruel. she’d never hurt someone on purpose unless they didn’t absolutely deserve it in her opinion ( though she’s been wrong before on so many occasions ). she’s passionate, loyal, and protective about the things and people that she loves. she would sacrifice her life for someone she cares about in a heartbeat. she has a weakness for heroics, feeling a need to save people and fix everything, carrying the world on her shoulders. this is, of course, unreasonable, but she believes she has to be that way because of the family she comes from. from day one, she has had expectations placed on her because she’s a potter, and rather than fight them, she feels the need to live up to them. she feels as if the world is expecting her to be a hero because her family is so respected and moral. these expectations and complexes of hers are what drives lily.

she is a perfectionist. lily is constantly pushing herself past her limits and often tries to do far more than what she is capable of. lily refuses to stop and rest, and she’ll continue to refuse until the day she dies. she stays up too late to maintain her near-perfect grades. she practices for quidditch nearly every morning. she pours over her dada textbooks for hours on end so that she’ll win every duel in dueling club. lily is competitive and feels the need to be the best because her insecurities cause her to worry that she isn’t good enough, that she’ll never be good enough. it’s self-induced pressure–no one places unrealistic expectations on the girl but herself. in actuality, people may expect lily to be brave and heroic like her parents, but no one expects her to be the best at everything, and she puts most of the pressure on herself due to her own insecurities. it’s only lily who thinks she isn’t good enough, and one of her biggest flaws is her tendency to compare herself to other people rather than seeing herself as her own person. people who are better than her are often met with green, envy rattling in her core, as much as she tries to ignore it.

even though she appears completely fearless to most, lily is actually only almost devoid of fear, not that she would ever admit she was anything less than dauntless. she rarely ever speaks of emotions of fear in front of other people, pretending that nothing fazes her. she doesn’t want anyone to know that she can be scared or weak sometimes. she’s a gryffindor and a potter, so as far as she’s concerned, she’s not allowed to be. lily is expected to be strong and fearless, just like her parents, so that’s what she claims to be whereas, in reality, she can be afraid just like any other person; she’s just good at hiding things. the thought of losing people she cares about absolutely terrifies her, especially with the war. along with that, she has always felt pressure to be great; lily has spent her whole life worrying whether or not she’s good enough due to her family’s achievements. just like her father, she’s always felt the need to be a hero. lately she’s been afraid that she isn’t doing enough to help the order, that her dad would be ashamed of her if he was still alive. that’s one of the reasons why she’ll try to push her outlandish ideas on mcgonagall’s army members even though she knows deep down that she’s suggesting suicide missions.

it’s frightening, really, how much little regard she has for her own life. her self worth is nonexistent in the scheme of things. she’ll fight nail and tooth to live but only because she wants to be there to protect her loved ones; she sees her life as second to theirs. if she thought she could help bring about the end of the war by dying, if there was even the slightest possibility of saving those she views as good, lily would do it in an instant. without thinking. because lily truly believes that her loved ones would get over it, maybe not at first but eventually. and she’s okay with that. she’d want them to move on with their loves, to stop mourning her and find happiness. for lily, there is no better way to go than to go down fighting. to go down while defending her loved ones and her beliefs.

but if she lives through the war, lily plans on becoming an auror, just like her father. it’s just what she’s always wanted to do. again, the girl has a hero complex. and her ambition is great–she wants to be the youngest auror ever accepted into their department and one day make her way up to head auror. lily believes her true calling in life is on the battlefield, protecting the innocent and bringing justice to the world.

lily is a control freak–bossy, domineering, and assertive. losing control is her greatest fear, so she’d never let anyone get the best of her. lily always needs to do something because that’s how she finds control in her own destiny. it always takes time to earn her trust because she fears betrayal and manipulating, causing her to be naturally suspicious of others’ intentions. she’ll fight like hell when others get in the way of her plans; her fear of losing control doesn’t allow her to adapt to change easily. when her father died, she felt weak and powerless, wishing she could just bring back, wishing that she could just do something, anything; her worst fear became a reality, and she swears she is never going to allow herself to feel that way again. she will never be vulnerable again. she will never lose control again. oddly enough, even though she’s been surrounded by love her entire life, she’s even afraid of falling in love for those very reasons. the thought of falling for someone who may or may not love her back, allowing herself to be that vulnerable in front of someone, has always scared her more than she would care to admit. lily needs to feel safe, and being in love with someone who could break your heart is something only fools would do in her opinion.

lily won’t admit to sadness or heartache either, not wanting others to think less of her. through sheer willpower alone, the girl has not cried since she was six though there have been moments where she wished she could allow herself to, such as her father’s funeral. when she saw her father in that casket, she felt like knives were in her ribs, and all she wanted to do was run back to her home, cry, grab a beater’s bat, and destroy all the objects in her home one by one, but her face looked stoic. when asked, lily claims that she’s completely all right about her father’s death, and most believe it. she’ll barely ever talk about him at all. it’s like she isn’t even mourning. there are subtle nuances that she is though. her smile and laugh are more demure than it was before. she’s even more fiercely protective of her family and friends now, and her weakness for heroics has also increased; she’ll go to great lengths to protect and save others with little regard for her own safety. it’s partly because she wants to make her father proud by being brave and partly because she doesn’t value herself much as a person due to her insecurities.

but ironically, even though she hides her emotions the majority of the time, she is consumed by them. they control and drive her, often even to the point of recklessness. logic falls on deaf ears to this girl, making her much more likely to make mistakes and get into trouble. she has a good brain on her shoulders and should know better than to act without thinking, but she doesn’t. lily’s impulsive, reckless, and impetuous, mostly relying on pure instinct. and she’s as stubborn as a mule as well. it’s very hard to convince her not to do something once her mind is set. and bare nerves, stubbornness, and recklessness is a dangerous combination–a mixture not usually found in those who like to live long lives. lily is aware of how foolish she can be, but she just doesn’t care. as far as she’s concerned, if something’s the right thing to do, it’s the right thing to do, regardless of the possible consequences.

but here’s the problem: she’s so often wrong. her black-and-white and self-righteous beliefs are so instilled in her that she can’t see the bigger picture. she can’t recognize that the population isn’t capable of being sorted in categories of good and evil. she doesn’t see shades of grey, judging others by their actions and beliefs regardless of the circumstances. death eaters are not seen by lily as people–only monsters incapable of human emotion. whenever she looks at a death eater, all she can see is her father’s dead face. she doesn’t know who was responsible, so instead she blames them all. she hates them all so intensely that she is blind to the fact that expectations are placed on those from traditionalist families too. and most of all, she doesn’t realize that the other side is just as capable of loving others to the point of consumption as she is. and they should be feared for that.

describe your character through a particular weather temperament or season. / could your character be described in two rival parts, and if so, what would they be? / ( +bonus: if your character could choose their own form of death, what would it be? )

i. lily luna potter was born at the height of summer, on a muggy august night, and as such, she truly embodies every aspect of the season. she’s the unrelenting sun beating down on you — she is always burning burning burning, and she’s impossible to put out. everything she chooses to do is carried out with a tremendous intensity and passion, almost as though she is pouring her entire heart into it, and perhaps she really is. (”they told me to pour my heart into everything i do. so that’s what i did, i poured and poured and poured. now they ask me why i’m so empty.”) when she’s determined to accomplish something, nothing else matters in that moment. she’s overpowering, a girl with the capability to set the whole damn world on fiendfyre if she wanted to. she’s just so much all at once — too much, really. she’s been told that by exes before, that she’s just too much for them, and lily always responds, her voice so piercing it could slit a throat, “or maybe you’re just not enough.” even when she’s cold, it’s with this ferocity that still manages to burn you to the core.

lily can’t ever be any other season than summer, but sometimes she wishes she could be. she longs for the rebirth of spring, the balance of autumn, the chill of winter. but she’ll always burn like summer.

ii. lumos – a fire-haired girl who dons robes of scarlet and gold, as striking as a beacon of light / the family legacy you swore to protect / brain and nerve and bounding heart / a deafening roar of laughter after a brilliant joke / being so incredibly drunk you’re as giddy as a toddler, the life of the party / shielding young girls as though you are the mighty huntress artemis / a magnificent silver phoenix burst from the tip of your wand, summoned by the many faces of your family / the indescribable solace found from wrapping your arms tightly around your big brother, not ever wanting to let go / the callow little girl within yourself that you couldn’t quite manage to kill, a girl who wished on shooting stars and cried during thunderstorms

nox – a meadow of wildflowers wilting away / the fury deep within your core that burns like dragon fire, threatening to consume you / a memory you’ve tried to bury deep within the crevices of your mind, a memory you’d rip from your skull if you could / swearing off love because what good is it anyway / clenched fists so tight that your red, red nails bite crescent moons on your palms / the glorious burn of your muscles during a seething fight / a thunderous cry for retribution, even if it means destroying yourself in the process / feeding into your rage because if you falter for just a moment, you’ll remember just how hollow you are / a ruinous lightning storm encased within a pint-sized girl

iii. she can’t ever picture herself dying quietly. whenever the veil inevitably comes to shroud her, she will take her sharp nails and try to tear it into shreds – she is a forest fire that refuses to snuffed. rage is all she knows, all she’s good at. her beloved cypress wand bears a reminder she carved in runic scripture: “never give up without a fight.”  and lily never will. she will struggle and struggle and struggle before they take her.

it’s not that the prospect of death petrifies her. there have been cold nights where she feels hollow and so very small, and she thinks about how she doesn’t want to die – no, she doesn’t want to die – but still she would appreciate the rest, the quietness, the peace. it had been her own father who had sat her down at age six, her very first taste with death (her great-great aunt muriel finally decided to fucking croak) and bestowed upon her the wise words of albus dumbledore just before they left for the funeral, “do not pity the dead. pity the living.” and oh, she does. lily is just sixteen years old, and she’s already so exhausted.

no, she’s not petrified of death, but rather petrified of what she’d leave behind: a family she treasures more than anything. lily doesn’t place much value in her own life. she ultimately views herself as just a person and not a very good one at that, but still she will fight until her dying breath. she will do it for them – all this struggle is for their sake. she needs to stick around to protect them.

but of course, if she could die to save someone she loved, she would do it in an instant. lily’s loyalty is hard-won, but once it’s earned, there isn’t anything she won’t do for you. so that’s how she’d choose to die, fighting but fighting for something – or someone – worth dying for. on those cold hollow nights when she’s wondering what it’s all for, she has to remind herself that it’s for them.

she might not matter, but they do.

drabble

lily luna potter – the woman, the myth, the legend. the only daughter of the chosen one, the world hailed her as a figure of hope from the moment she was born, waiting with baited breath to see what she will go on to accomplish. lily’s so beguiling she could be the sun – she never manages to dim. she’ll lull you to a stupor when she struts past, as ostentatious as ever, and you’ll be rendered gormless in her wake. she’ll leave you wondering whether she’s a dream or a nightmare, but that’s the very point, isn’t it? you laud her as your hero, thrust her with expectations she could never live up to, and when she seems to rise to the occasion, you forget. you forget that she is just a teenager, not a blinding sun or a sharp crack of lightning or a ruinous earthquake, but a girl who’s barely sixteen. a girl who’s lost more than you could ever imagine. children should never be viewed as metaphors, but from the second she came into this world, it was already too late.

               / / /

self-righteous but vindictive, girlish but bloodthirsty, idealistic but cynical, emotional but hardened, tender but acrimonious, coquettish but closed off, well-intentioned but wicked, fiery but icy, radiating but deathly – lily is a girl of contradictions and paradoxes. she possesses so many opposing traits that it’s difficult to make sense of her. with her full face of makeup and voguish outfits, she is ever so carefully put together, but it only serves to hide the storm raging underneath her skin. her countenance is a purposeful illusion – she doesn’t want you to see the red scars on her skin or the dark circles underneath her eyes. everybody is always watching her, so she must look her best. but there’s more to it, isn’t there? he always used to tell her she wore too much makeup, and since breaking up with him on the cusp of her fourth year, she has never stepped outside without a full face. it’s a permanent two-fingered salute. “fuck you, i’m beautiful.” but why does she feel so ugly and mangled?

              / / /

on some days, she burns as bright as a brush fire, incinerating everything in her path. but on others, she’s as hollowed out as a glacier cave, the coldness seeping inside her body, freezing over her heart – those days, nothing and no one can really touch her. somehow, she always fluctuates between passion and numbness, a vicious cycle she can’t seem to control. lily either feels so intensely or feels absolutely nothing at all, and she’s not quite sure which is worse. when her emotions are tearing her apart, she longs to shut them off, but once they’re gone, she’ll do anything just to feel something again. how can she be so passionate yet so hardened at the same time? sometimes she misses the bitter tang of tears, the sweet release – it’s been ten long years since she’s allowed herself to cry. but she won’t allow herself to be weak again. she’s come too far. perhaps it really is best to have a heart that’s forgotten how to beat; dead hearts can’t break.

              / / /

she’s furious and she’s bitter and she’s tired. she’s so goddamn tired. it’s always so exhausting to be her. some days, she wonders what is the point of it all. why does she keep struggling when all she wants to do is lay down her weary arms, close her eyes, and rest? but she knows she can’t. she was born to fight – that’s all she knows how to do at this point. so she will soldier on.

[puckyou-forpuckssake]

White Violets—M. Barzal

Message me to request an imagine. This one was not requested but a huge thanks to @hockey-yesplease for the idea of using Mat Barzal. No warning for this. If you guys have any ideas, please make a request, even if it’s just a player you want to see here! Check my blog for master list or search for more in blog with #hockeyimagine

Flowers were your passion. Business was your major. Thus the birth of Secret Garden of Brooklyn. It was still a small start up business. You had a few regular customers though. Today, however, was Tuesday, and Tuesdays were always slow.

You sat behind the counter, flipping through a catalog of vases, when the bell tinkled to signal a customer’s entrance. The boy was young. Probably needs something for his girlfriend, you thought. “I need flowers,” he said in a hurry.

“It’s a good thing you came to a flower shop then,” you replied without even thinking. The guy was probably going to leave now.

Instead, he cracked a grin. “I deserve that. I need flowers that say ‘I’m sorry I ate your cheesecake and let Breaker break his arm trying to be Superman. Please don’t kick me out.’”

“Your girlfriend must not be happy with you.”

The boy shrugged. “I have no idea if she is or not considering I don’t have one. I do, however, have a 6’1, 210 lb defenseman upset that his kid broke his arm under my watch. His wife can also get very scary too.”

You nodded and began grabbing flowers to put an arrangement together. He watched you in awe. “It seems like you’re just grabbing random flowers, but I feel like there is a method to your madness.”

You chuckled. “Flowers actually have meanings. It’s something I’ve always admired. So when I make bouquets, each one has a special meaning.”

“That’s really cool.”

“It can be challenging at times. Flowers have lots of meanings, and depending on where you check can give you different meanings,” you explained.

“Can you explain this bouquet to me?”

You nodded. “The yellow roses represent friendship. I gathered from your story that you are friends with these people. Just make sure they know it means friendship and joy. A yellow rose can also represent infidelity. The purple hyacinth symbolizes asking for forgiveness. Hyacinths in general also represent play and sport. Those really light purple, small flowers are raspberry blossom, and they represent regret and remorse. The white tulips also represent forgiveness.

“I know it may seem odd with all these flowers together, and in this line of business beauty if supposed to be everything. I always see it as the thought and meaning of it counts.”

“That’s beautiful.” You had no idea if he meant the bouquet or your words. He paid and grabbed the bouquet. “You’ve got a nice place here. I’ll have to recommend you.”

—————————————————————

It was a week and a half later when you saw the boy again. “I need flowers again.”

“How did the bouquet go?”

“Rebecca loved it, and Dennis was impressed that flowers have meanings and I could remember them. I need flowers that say ‘Congratulations on the new deal. Let’s kick ass together on ice.’”

You chuckled as you started pulling different flowers. “I can do congratulations, but I’m not sure how to get kick ass to translate. That might be a job for yourself.”

“Mat,” the guy said suddenly. “My name is Mat.”

“I’m Y/N,” you introduced. “So you want the meanings of these flowers?”

“Yes. I think Tito will find it funny if I actually know this stuff.”

“The yellow poppies mean success and wealth. Apple blossoms mean hope and good fortune. The goldenrod suggests success, good fortune, and encouragement. I put some general hyacinths in here too because—“

“It means games and sports!” Mat shouted. He did a little fist pump for remembering, causing you to giggle at his excitement.

“Very good, Mat. These lilies are Casablanca ones. They represent celebration. The yellow roses, which you may remember, mean friendship, but they also represent achievement.”

Mat smiled as he grabbed the bouquet and paid. “Thank you, Y/N. I’m definitely recommending this place.”

You smiled. “I’d appreciate that a lot, Mat.”

—————————————————————

It had been a month since Mat had last been in. He must have kept his promise because your sales went up after his last visit. You even met Dennis, the guy who lets Mat live in his basement. You learned from him that they played for the Islanders. By now you had met most of the team and the organization staff from all their visits to your shop. You even had to hire a couple extra workers because of the business increase.

Business was slow the current morning, which was fine with you. Sometimes you liked the slowdown. “Hey, Y/N,” you looked up to see Mat.

“Mat!” You cheered. “It’s been a while. I was hoping you’d stop by sometime. I really want to thank you for bringing me business.”

Mat blushed. “It was nothing. So since you aware of what I do, then this will make it less awkward. This weekend is mothers’ weekend for the Islanders. The guys and I talked and we wanted to order bouquets from you for them.”

You nodded and grabbed a pad of paper. “How many and when?”

Mat counted on his hands. “26. We decided Sunday would be good. It’ll be a home game and the end to their trip. Is that enough time for that much?”

You nodded. “They won’t be big and extravagant.”

Mat grinned. “That’s fine. It’s the meaning that counts. Any ideas on the flowers?”

“You really want to know?”

“Yes! I like this whole meaning thing.”

You nodded and thought for a moment. “White periwinkles for delightful memories. The pink rose is for gratitude and thanks. A cactus symbolizes maternal affection and love; however, I will put the flower of cactus in substitute. The pink carnations symbolize woman’s love. Purple tulips mean royalty, which mothers are. Coltsfoot means maternal care.”

“That sounds beautiful,” Mat commented. “Everyone’s going to love them.”

—————————————————————

It had only been a couple days since the delivery to the Islanders, and all you could think of was how it went and if Mat liked it, even if it was the moms. It had been awhile since someone had appreciated what you do, and Mat seemed to love what you do.

Off in your own world, you didn’t hear the door open and the man in question enter. He coughed to get your attention. “Mat!”

“Hi, Y/N.”

“I didn’t expect to see you so soon. Did the mothers like the flowers?”

He nodded eagerly. “Everyone loved them,” He pulled out a card from his coat. “This is for you from everyone. I also need one more bouquet.”

“What’s the occasion?”

Mat shook his head and pulled out another piece of paper. “I already know the flowers I need.”

You nodded and got ready to find the flowers. Mat’s hands shook as he glanced down at the paper and took a deep breath. “Phlox for sweet dreams and to say I’m trying to please you. Saxifrage for affection. White camellias for the lovable and adorable and pink ones for strong desire. Sweet William so I can be granted a smile. Red tulips to declare my love, and red carnations symbolizing admiration. Forget-me-nots for true love, hope, and memories. Gardenias for secret admiration and love. Daylilies for flirtation. Love at first sight represented by a lavender rose. Blue bells for gratitude, appreciation, and never ending love.”

Mat watched you run around looking for flowers. “You must be in deep,” you said as you put the piece together. “There’s a lot of love and affection in this bouquet.”

Mat nodded. “Good. That’s what I want.”

You finished up the bouquet and passed to to Mat. He looked at it before setting it down. “You put a lot of work into this,” he whispered.

You nodded. “You’re my favorite customer honestly. You deserve this. Good luck with the girl...or guy.”

“Girl,” Mat reaffirmed. He started walking towards the door without the flowers.

“Mat! Your flowers!” Mat stopped. “What’s this girl going to think of you ask her out and forget these?”

“She’s already holding them,” Mat answered. You stopped and stared at the bouquet in your hand. “I honestly didn’t know how to do this. Will you go on a date with me, Y/N?”

You set the bouquet down and grabbed a handful of white violets. “Let’s take a chance,” Mat said staring at the flowers. “I’m going to take this as a yes.”

You put the bouquet in an empty vase. “This is one of my favorite bouquets I’ve ever made. And to think, I thought you were going to give this to another girl.”

Mat laughed. “You’re the only girl I’d ever give these flowers to.”

===============================

For flower meanings I used https://gardenerdy.com/list-of-flowers-their-meanings

[dublinflorists]

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[demonzdust]

Theo's Feelings of Guilt

Continued from here.

In my introduction I talked about how I think the majority of Theo’s surface level actions are driven by deeper emotional factors, primarily guilt and inadequacy. In this post I’m going to address Guilt.

I believe Theo’s guilt manifests in a desire to see others fail in the ways he has failed.

We know that Theo isn’t biologically/neurologically incapable of feeling regret/remorse/guilt because we see him experience it in S6.

We see a few hints of it in S5:

Here we see Theo leaving a flower for Tara at the bridge where he watched her drown. Is he doing this because he knows Stiles and Liam are watching? Possibly. But Liam is reading his chemosignals in that scene (not his heartbeat) and it has never been established that Theo could “fake” those the way he can lie.

I have never been able to 100% determine if this was Theo putting on a show, or if his actions were authentic. Where I usually end up is that it’s a bit of both - Theo uses shreds of his own real feelings to then manipulate others. Theo’s lies often hold small slivers of truth in them, which is what makes them so convincing.

But I think the way Theo’s guilt more clearly manifests is in the way that he as a strong emotional desire to watch others become corrupted.

Throughout season five we constantly see Theo pushing others to become morally corrupt.

He convinces Donovan to go after Stiles, he forces Stiles into a situation where he has to kill Donovan, he pushes Liam to try to kill Scott, and so on.

Theo does this primarily to achieve his goals of setting himself up to steal Scott’s alpha powers, but due to scenes later on, I believe it also because he receives a strong emotional benefit to seeing people fail to live up to common ideas of morality.

I think Theo wants to push others to make immoral choices because it makes him feel better about his own life choices. It is a way that he alleviates guilt, a means of affirming his believe that almost anyone else would have made the choices he made if they were put in similar circumstances.

When Theo comes clean about his goals to Stiles in 5x10 he describes the type of pack he wants:

In this monologue Theo clarifies exactly why he wants each person. He very explicitly describes the type of pack he wants.

Theo does not wish to have Scott’s pack for personal connection, or to prevent loneliness because Theo does not appear to be lonely (or at the very least he doesn't appear to be aware of his own loneliness) until S6, and that is after the deep psychological change that occurs during his time beneath the ground.

Remember, Theo did also plan to kill Liam – He wanted to get Liam to kill Scott so that Liam would get the true alpha’s powers (because only a true alpha’s beta can take their powers) and then he could take those powers from Liam.

Additionally, we know that Theo does not crave admiration, loyalty, or companionship because he slaughters Tracy:

Theo states that he specifically wants the darkness in each member of Scott’s pack. It’s not good enough to have a pack, he needs to have a pack full of morally corrupt people like him.

I believe this is not just because it makes them easier for him to obtain and manipulate, but because  he doesn’t want to ever feel inadequate in comparison.

The only person that he knows he won’t be able to corrupt, is Scott.

Scott represents the absolute opposite of Theo’s views on humanity. Where Theo believes that all good people are capable of evil, Scott believes that all people, no matter how corrupt, are capable of becoming good.

Therefore, he needs to get Scott out of the way. (Also he sees Scott’s powers as another method of achieving validation, more on that in Part II)

All of the scenes I’ve mentioned thus far can still be read as being more tactically motivated than emotionally motivated - Theo has clear ways that he benefits from all of the above.

In this next scene he has no tactical motivations for his lines, which makes it one of the most telling glimpses into his deeper emotional psychology:

In this scene, Theo uses kanima venom to force Scott to drop Lydia.

At this point, Theo is a mess, spiraling out of control. He knows he’s failed to corrupt and steal Scott’s pack. Now he’s scraping at the barrel, trying to force Scott to do something regrettable, even if it’s by chemical means.

Because he hates how good Scott is.

He hates knowing that it is possible to continue act morally even when the world is hurting you. He hates knowing that when he chose to kill his sister (if he did in fact choose that - Teen Wolf is a bit fuzzy on the details of what his involvement was, but at the very least he has some responsibility in it) was him failing.

Because Theo has no logical reason behave this way in this scene (he could just have kicked Scott’s arm to force him to let go, but instead he has chosen to orchestrate this theatrical moment), he must be doing it for his own emotional benefit.

Also, this scene could be an allusion to Theo letting his sister drown:

Then Theo is essentially forcing Scott to play out a corruption scene very similar to his own.

This would reinforce the idea that Theo experiences some level of catharsis and/or relief from guilt by forcing (or tempting) others to re-create scenes of his own corruption.

The next part of Theo’s emotional motivations is in the works and I’ll update the below with a link when it’s live:

(Theo’s Emotional Motivations Part II - Fear of Inadequacy)

Also I’ll post a link on the meta section of my blog.

[morning]

Lily { Lil ◦ ee } – The name Lily is of Old English origins, it was taken from the name of the plant having delicate, trumpet-shaped flowers regarded as a symbol of innocence, purity, and perfection. The word is derived from the Middle English lilie, which is from the Old English and Latin lilium (lily). Alternatively, Lily is used as a pet form of both Lilian (lily) and Lilith (of the night).

Luna { Loon ◦ a } – The name is directly derived from the Latin luna (the moon), she was the Roman mythological goddess of the moon and is equated with the Greek Selene. Luna can be used as an astrological name for those born under the sign of Cancer, which is ruled by the moon.

Potter { Paw ◦ ter } – The surname Potter is an occupational name for a maker of drinking and storage vessels, from an agent derivative of Middle English, Middle Low German pot. In the Middle Ages the term covered workers in metal as well as earthenware and clay.

They named you Lily Luna Potter.

Lily was after a girl with hair redder than dragon fire, just like you. Your grandmother was not only an extraordinary witch but a beacon of light. Lily Evans-Potter represented the faith that unselfish love could defeat the greatest of evils: death. She had stood for kindness, for strength, for wit, and most of all, for courage ― the fortitude to stand up to enemies and friends alike, to forge one’s own path. The right path.

But for all of her virtue, there was a certain duality to her, and the same double-edged sword cuts through your heart. You might have her capacity for love, but you also have her overwhelming fury and ferocity. It rages within you like a unstoppable forest fire, burning so bright that anything in the vicinity will be consumed in the flames – includingyou. Sometimes you wish you could tear your bounding heart from your body, just so you could stop this unrelenting aching in your chest, once and for all. You don’t know how to handle your passion, your spark, and you almost feel ruination is all you know. And then a thought presses at your mind, so petrifying it makes your blood runs cold: you could destroy yourself one day. The brightest flames burn out the quickest.

Luna was for a woman who carries a different sort of grit than your grandma did: the boldness to always be herself without remorse, without apologies. Sometimes you wonder if your godmother ever tried to change. Did she ever listen when the world told her what she ought to be? Since the day you were born, humanity expected nothing less than greatness from you, and you don’t remember who exactly you were before they molded you into something else. You taught yourself to be intrepid, to be beguiling, to be tenacious, to be resilient, to be golden. But even now that you’ve completely followed in your parents’ footsteps, you’re still not enough for yourself. Slowly, you’re learning not to feel shame and regret when you look into the mirror, but you find the strength to steel yourself somehow, just as Luna did. In front of the flashing cameras, you paste the brightest of smiles on your face, never letting them see the cracks in your armor. People are bound to talk. You’ll give them something to talk about.

And much like your namesake Luna, you treasure your friends and family with all that you have too. It was always instilled in you that nothing mattered more than your loved ones, and you took that lesson to heart, sharing with them a softness that most people have never witnessed from you. While you traveled the world, you were surrounded by crowds, but you still felt lonely without their presence. There was never a single day when they weren’t on your mind; wherever you went, you always carried them with you. Late at night, when you’re restless, you have to remind yourself that they all know you love them with every fiber of your being. James must have known, right? He had to have known how much you cared about him. The last time you ever allowed yourself to cry – you were around five or maybe six? There was a thunderstorm, the first one you could remember in your life. No one seemed to be able to calm you down, no one but Jamie. Your big brother came over, wet and unruly hair sticking up on all ends, and said “It’s going to be okay, I’m here. No one’s going to hurt you.” Then he engulfed you in a warm embrace, and you stopped shaking. That was when you realized no one could ever touch you, not when your family members were there. But now two integral roots of your immense family tree have been destroyed. James and Dominique are gone, for good, and there’s nothing you can do but ensure that their deaths were not in vain.

And everyone knows what Potter means. Whenever you walk by, people whisper. They point. You hail from the most famous wizarding family there is, and you wear your surname like a badge of honor. You are proud to be a Potter and a Weasley. The accomplishments your family has amounted are extraordinary. But that’s just it, isn’t it? All your life, you’ve chased glory and praise, but when your father is the wizarding world’s savior, it is impossible to measure up to the world’s expectations of you. You’re not enough, never enough.

You take pride in your name. But you are a walking memorial of a girl, named after a martyr and a maverick. You are never only yourself; you are the names of all that came before you.

And you’ll be in their shadow for the rest of your life.

[jen-kellen]

Have some flower based xcom character studies

Rowan, Alstroemeria & Mistletoe

He likes to think that he has a good sense of judgement. After all, it’s earned him a spot as one of the best intelligence officers in the US military. It’s a blessing, being able to advise and support instead of being stuck in the middle of nowhere, whether nowhere be amid fields or seas, both endless.

His superiors may not always agree with him, but that’s to be expected. For the most part, those disagreements are amicable. On the rare occasion they aren’t, he isn’t afraid to go over his superior’s head. It’s earned him some trouble, yes, but his loyalty to the cause, to the higher ups saves him each time.

It’s that loyalty that eventually puts his file in the hands of the council. He will not be leading the project, to his relief, but the council warns him that his first loyalty is to them, for they represent the world.

The warning is ominous, but he doesn’t think too much of it. At least, not until he meets the Commander. The first impression he gets of his superior is all fire and rage, and he wonders why the council would appoint someone who was ready to murder the first one of them she saw.

The second impression is better by leaps and bounds. The Commander is cordial and knowledgeable in conversations, and behind it he can tell that what he thought was raging aggression was really just blazing passion. They both care perhaps too deeply, and that is the first sign of trouble.

If he’d known better, then perhaps his judgement would have advised himself against taking the promotion. If the council had known better, they certainly wouldn’t have appointed him. They wanted him to be their dog, to keep the project and more importantly the Commander in line. But loyalty is given to those that earn it, and while the council has done that in the past, what the Commander has earned transcends mere loyalty.

He is drawn towards the sun, and makes a bad decision.

There is no time for guilt in the apocalypse, but it weighs his heart down regardless. He could have done so much differently, he could have saved the Commander, he could have been the council’s dog, he could have been taken instead, but something told him that it wouldn’t have made a difference.

(In his heart, he knows he wouldn't change anything from before the attack. He would follow the Commander to the end of the earth. He thinks that he should be worried about loyalty blending into reverence, but he's sure there is no problem his Commander cannot solve. It does not stop the rest of the resistance from worrying for him.)

All he can do now is survive.

Even when handed the worst odds, he not only survives, but thrives. He lends his skills to build the resistance, and while small and almost ineffective, there is hope. Even when his own burning passion has been quelled, he sees their hope and knows that he will keep pushing forward.

He will live to see the aliens gone or, like his Commander, he will die fighting. 

He will survive.

(Prudence, Devotion & I Surmount All Difficulties)

Larch, Gladiolus & Asphodel 

She would not know what timid was if it scurried out and nibbled at her fingertips. At age seven she gets into her first fistfight, and from that day on no one can deny that she is anything other than bold. It’s helped and harmed her in equal measure; for every date it’s gotten her, it’s also gotten her a fight; for every life saved, another lost.

Funnily enough, she never believes it’s her audacity that will get her killed, despite the scars it’s left on her skin. It’s her conviction that she is sure will do her in eventually. Either her beliefs will get her into a fight she cannot win or her superiors will finally tire of arguing and find a way to betray her.

At least, so she thinks. Her life is thrown into chaos before she gets the chance to really find out. She goes from being one of the most powerful people in the world to a prisoner of war in the matter of months.

No one would rank screaming at seemingly omnipotent aliens high on their lists of potential deaths, but once she raises her voice she is sure she won’t make it out alive. If she is to die, then it will be here, on her terms. In a way, she is not wrong about that.

True to fashion, she does it twice. Twice that she can remember, that is.

The world changes. That in itself is not unusual, but the drastic nature of the change is terrifying. Despite the assurances of those close to her, she knows deep in her heart that she must carry the blame.

Still, she lets her convictions guide them. Humanity is stronger than you believe, she had screamed until her voice gave out. She will prove it to them on her own, if she must.

(And she must, because it is her name. Not the one shortened and butchered by foreign tongues, and not the one forced upon her by the stranger that is her father, but the name passed from father to son to her mother to her.)

While her beliefs mark their path, her daring wins them battle after battle after battle in a seemingly hopeless war. Over time, the victories outweigh the losses, and in the eyes of her crew she can see hope and happiness and relief.

It does not outweigh the guilt.

She suspects nothing will. Everyone has suffered because of her mistakes; those struggling to survive both outside the cities and in, the men and women fighting under her, the remorseful doctor, the woman she should have watched grow up, her dearest second. Her faults have put more people into graves than she can comprehend, and when she looks into the eyes of her crew she wonders if they will be the next to be buried.

(Audacity, Conviction & My Regrets Follow You to the Grave)

Allspice, Raspberry & French Willow

He has always wanted to help people, that is why he went into medicine. People were suffering needlessly in the world, and if he could do any small thing to help combat that, he would be happy with his life.

This is why, when the aliens come knocking, he goes willingly. If they had wanted to crush humanity under their heel, they more than had the capability to do so, but instead they were offering peace. So he lets himself rationalize it, he lets himself believe that the aliens truly want to help.

He does not let himself question why they want to help even though he knows there is always a catch. People come into clinics and are cured, so that must surely make the risks worth it.

It is not worth it, not truly. People are cured of ailments that human scientists could never have hoped to solve, but people are no better, no happier than before the aliens came. They were not grinding humanity into dust with weaponry like so many had expected, but the aliens were slowly breaking their will.

Worst of all, he has helped them do this.

He runs. It takes a lot of planning and a surgery he’s not at all comfortable doing, but if he is to have any hope of atonement then he must flee. With the help of a mysterious friend in high places, he escapes the city.

Unfortunately, escape is the easiest part of the plan. He earns the wary trust of the wanted man leading him to the haven who advocates for him to the leadership of the haven. While apprehensive, they are at least willing to give him the benefit of the doubt.

He hopes that his medical knowledge will earn their trust in proper sooner rather than later.

It does not, but it earns him enough. The wanted man comes back and offers him a position as chief scientist. In the old world, he wouldn’t have considered himself qualified, but in this new world there is no one better suited for the job.

He goes to the spaceship that will become his new home and once again has to earn the trust of those already there. He doesn’t hold it against them, he knows that he is guilty of much. But he will make it better, just as he’s always wanted.

Unfortunately, to make it better, he must replicate that hateful surgery. If he fails here then not only will he meet his end, but so will the world.

The Commander, somehow, survives. He hopes he doesn’t have to see brain matter again.

(Some things are inevitable when you are at war. He sees too much while manning the scanners on the bridge, but he is comforted in the knowledge that he is not the only one that turns away. Only the Commander and Central force themselves to keep looking, as they are truly the last of a dying breed.)

The success of the surgery earns him the trust of most aboard, including that of his superiors. It sates some of his need for atonement, but as long as aliens remain on earth he knows he cannot step aside. He will stand with the resistance until the end.

(Compassion, Remorse & Bravery and Humanity)

White Dianthus, Juniper & Bird’s Foot Trefoil

She is terrified at first. Who wouldn’t be? She moves across the ocean for her father’s work and he doesn’t even get to visit their new home. Then the world goes from bad to worse and it takes him months to find her again.

Even before they reunite, she is not helpless. If her father has taught her anything in her first years of life, it is that there is always a solution to a problem. Even if it’s not obvious, there is a way to fix it.

When they’re together again, there is no problem they can’t solve. They help havens build radios and and signal jammers and anything they could possibly need to survive. She learns from her father directly, and soon enough she is the one coming up with clever solutions first. The pride in his heart is left unstated, but he is sure to make it known in other ways.

She finds the downed spaceship with him and they slowly piece it back together. She doesn’t want to think too hard about how her father seems to need more help than her as they decipher systems.

Just as things are starting to look up, the world is turned upside down. Her father receives a tiny funeral, one that is not what he deserves.

She mourns, then turns her attention solely on those that had stolen him from her. The aliens will pay for what they’ve done, and if she must she will build the resistance herself.

With some help in retrieving the parts she needs, she gets the spaceship flying again on her own. Her peers and superiors alike praise her brilliance. At last, the resistance has hope, and it rides on her wings.

The Commander comes to her to help solve problems, and given enough time, she finds the solution. There are of course times where she gets stuck, where she doesn���t know what to do and wants to call for her father so they can work together. She takes those moments and adds them to the ever-growing pile of reasons to slaughter the aliens.

(She tries not to think about how even if her father was around, he would be just as stuck as she was. If he were on his own, she knows he wouldn’t even have gotten to the point where she’s stuck. It is the dream for all parents that their child is better, smarter than they, but to her it only feels wrong. She is still so young, with so much to learn and they did not have nearly enough time together.)

She is not a fighter, but she will have vengeance, for her father, for her home, for the rest of the crew. She will not fight, but she will make weapons and armor more powerful than humans could have ever dreamed of. She, and not the aliens, will uplift humanity.

(Ingenious, Adroitness & Revenge)

[zkklaus]

Story (version 1.0 to 2.0)

I changed my story.

version 1.0 of my story:

beginning: A man made a mistake in his work and got fired. He was depressed so he went to a clocktower. That night, the eclipse happened, he drank the beer and watch the moon gradually disappear and show again. It was 12 o'clock now, the big clock over his head rang and a pocket watch fell from the ceiling of the clocktower. He picked it up and found the pocket watch wasn't ticking. So he uses the finger to twirl the pointer anticlockwise, he shook the pocket watch, it still not working, so he put it in his pocket and went home. The next morning, he was still sleeping, his cellphone rang, the voice of his boss came from it, shouted loud. Why you haven't come to the office? You need to present the program to our VIP client in two days, have you finish your work yet? Get your ass here, or you will be fired. The boss hung up the phone. what? the man was very confused, "I made a big mistake in that presentation yesterday, so I get fired. Isn't it? why he asks me to go to the office again?" He looked down his cellphone, and found out the date is two days ago. On the desk, the pocket watch is ticking.

the main body of the story the man uses the pocket watch to go back to time, he had all kinds of fun, did all kinds of crazy things, the exciting life gradually made him feel tired. He wanted to be a better person. he changed a lot of things to counteract his regrets. He became kind, glad to help the others, learn things he interested in. He learned how to live a satisfied life, he learned how to make himself not to regret.

ending the man learns how to deal with his normal life. His never use the magic pocket watch again.

---------------------------------

The story is not attractive enough. I decide to tell my story of the target lead structure. It means I set a goal for the character to achieve. This structure will help me tell the story better. The character has to face a lot of problems, how he tackles these problems is the main body of my story. I should deliver the big message I want to tell in these plots.

---------------------------------

version 2.0

A youth walked on the road, and there was a cry from the top of the head:" Be careful! "As soon as the young man looked up, a flower pot fell on his head. The youth fell to the ground.

 Open the eyes again, the youth found himself standing in the middle of a queue in an old dim hall, everyone lined up, quietly moving forward slowly. There are two exits in the hall, with two posters hanging beside. On a poster, people happily sat on the train to the fields and villages. On the other poster, people rowed a small boat on the sea in the rain, and some people covered their faces and wept.

 At the forefront of the team, there is an administrator. After a short chat with everyone, he will look at a thick book in his hand and check something, after that, people will walk through a scanner and there will be a number "0" show above their heads. People with red 0 on their heads will go to the exit to take the train, and people with grey 0 on their heads will go to the exit to take the boat.

 It's the youth's turn, and he asks the administrator, "Where is this place?"

"Paradise station."

"Paradise? Am I dead?"

"Yes." The administrator pointed at the book in his hand. "This is the death book. It says when you were 75 years old..." He looked up and looked at the young man, obviously not 75 years old.

"75 years old? I am only 30 now."

"Hmm... maybe something went wrong. Come, walk through the scanner."

The youth walked through the scanner, the number over his head is not "0", but a large number, 1420062840, in grey.

The administrator frowned. "According to your personal record, you should go to the sea, but... obviously you haven't reached 75 years old as recorded here. So, you should go there." The administrator pointed the end of the darkness aisle of the hall.

 The young man walked on the dark corridor with a little afraid, and the dim light reflected the iron gate at the end of the aisle. The heavy iron gate needs to be pushed open with a big strength, and a squeaky sound came with it. There was no light in the room, and nothing can be seen. The young man took a deep breath and stretched out his arms to find out what was around him. He carefully moved forward little by little. The iron gate behind him was heavily closed, and the floor under the young man's feet was empty, he kept falling.

   The young man opened his eyes and found himself lying on the street surrounded by many passengers. He scratched his head and looked at the chopped flower pot next to him and then sat up. The people found him seemed to be okay and gradually dispersed.

 The young man stood up, looked up and found that the grey numbers over his head was still there and were slowly decreasing. Countdown! It is the countdown! The young man turned on the calculator in the phone, using the 1420062648 to do the math, 45 years, 30+45=75. This is the countdown of his life!

 But why are the numbers grey? The people going to the fields and villages all had red numbers. Only those who go to the sea to be beaten by the wind and the ice rain, their numbers are grey. Can I turn my grey numbers into red?

 While thinking about everything that happened at the Heaven Station, the young man took out the cigarette from his pocket, lit it, and took a deep breath. After such an incredible experience, he urgently needed to use cigarettes to calm down and relax. However, while smoking, he saw that the countdown over his head was rapidly decreasing. He was scared and throw the cigarette on the ground and to extinguish it with his shoes.

 That's terrible! The countdown is not constant! Anything you do will affect the length of life.

 Since smoking affects the length of life, then what about drinking? While thinking about it, the young man took out his mobile phone and decide to cancel the appointment with a few friends. He planned to go to KTV to sing and drink overnight, but now he immediately called and said that he was sorry he can't make it. Hang up the phone and find that the countdown over the head added more than 3,000 seconds.

 As expected, the length of life can be controlled by myself.

 This week, young people began to pursue a green lifestyle. He cleaned up the food in the refrigerator, and half of the fried chicken and pizza were thrown into the trash can, and the beers were sent away. He went to a fitness club and exercise regularly, and ate the unpalatable but balanced fitness meals. This week's change is obvious, and the countdown is gradually extended, which makes the youth very happy. However, the grey colour has not changed at all.

 Why did I make so many health-improving changes, but the colour did not turn red even a little bit? The youth was very upset. The father's phone call came in, and the young man picked up the mobile phone. This is the fifth phone call in the past two days. After his parents divorced, he always hated that his father soon had a new family, and his father did not care about him and mom. He hasn't spoken to his father for years, and now he just ignores father's call.

 When he got off work the next day, when he got out of the company, he saw his father standing at the door waiting for him. They went to the cafe and sat down. The young man tapped his phone and looked out the window. After a long time, his father started to talk.

 Gently, father told him that he had diagnosed liver cancer in the hospital a few days ago, there wasn't much time for him, but there were still many things to worry about. There are many things he has not had time to do, or he has not made up for it. He was very regretful. In particular, the relationship with his son has been very stiff over the years. He wants to reconcile with his son and untie the knots of each other.

 When the young man found out the proud and vigorous father has now become so weak pity, the youth felt sorrow and hold his father's hands. Father and son looked each other in the eyes, all these years' hatred all vanished.

 Suddenly, the numbers overhead began to change, and the colour changed from grey to reddish grey.

 The colour has changed!

 "I don't have much time, I feel that there are many regrets in my life that have not been counteracted. You are still young, you must not live like me, you can't allow regrets accompany your life."

 The father's words hit the youth. Everyone who goes to the fields and villages is so confident and optimistic that you can see the light in their eyes. On the other hand, those who were exiled to the sea were all grey and full of regrets and remorse. So, the red represents...maybe happiness or a sense of accomplishment.

 I have never dared to take risks since I was a child. Everything I did was based on the advice of the people around me, I always did the most secure plan, as if I have never tried hard to fight for anything. In fact, I used to have something I really wanted to pursue, but I was afraid of failure and never act, and I really kept a lot of regrets.

 My father started to make up for regrets till he knew he doesn't have much time. What about me? I have already died once, but I have just realized that I still have a lot of opportunities to make up for my regrets. It's never too late!

 I know! I believe I can turn my grey to red!

 After that, the youth does everything followed his most sincere choices from the heart, no longer fear the difficulties, and is willing to try all kinds of new things that he could not think of before. The countdown numbers over the head sometimes become more, sometimes less, but the colour is always reddening. Until a few months later, the countdown suddenly disappeared.

   52 years later...

 The young man once again came to the paradise station, but this time, he is already an 82-year-old man. The administrator still looks the same as decades ago. He smiled to the administrator and said hello, walked through the scanner, the number over the head is 0 now. The colour, it is really red. He doesn't have to go to the sea as his previous destiny. He can go to the beautiful world and take the train to the fields and villages to enjoy eternal happiness.

 He set foot on the train, and the people on the train were chatting and laughing happily. He looked out the window, the breeze dabbed the fields in the distance and turned the waves of wheat. He looked at the window, on it reflected his wrinkled face. He was happy. He could finally enjoy eternal happiness. However, there was a little uncertainty in his heart, and his brow slightly wrinkled.

 "Di di di", the moment that train door closed, he jumped off the train. He feels that life is never enough for him, there are still many things he has not tried, and he is not afraid.

 He pushed the rusty iron door at the end of the dark corridor and walked in with firm steps...

 Someone is fondling his head and whispering in his ear. In the cry of a baby, he opened his eyes.

 (end)

 -----------------------------

after tutorial with Graham, he thought I could tell more history of the father, so the audience understands why this father is so important in this youth’s life. Graham also believes it is better if I wrote some plots that good change brings bad results. To help the audience understand the rule of this game.

I told Graham I did think about writing another paragraph about the youth persuades his dream of writing, for example, attend a literature competition, he did the things that would diminish his lifetime, but it is worth doing, the results make the countdown number turning red.