#mostly me rambling

[howfarethestars]

i’ve seen furiosa three times now, and i keep coming back to the idea of it being a story told as oral history. it’s mythic, it’s legendary, it’s sprawling, and it’s just an absolute joy to watch. it feels like storytelling at its very essence. it’s the kind of story that got told around a camp fire three thousand years ago.

i think you can feel its mythology most in its inaccuracies and missing pieces. we don’t know exactly how dementus and his crew brought down the leader of gas town; we just know that he did it. we don’t know every detail of the 40 days wasteland war; we just know how it ended. it feels like reading from a history book and there’s a footnote at the bottom noting the uncertainty surrounding certain aspects of the story.

furiosa is entirely the vessel through which the story is told. she’s our lens. if she doesn’t know what happened (dementus didn’t drag her into gas town; she doesn’t know what happened exactly) (she was in the citadel watching the 49 day war from a distance; she doesn’t know the details), neither does the audience. she’s set up to be a pretty reliable narrator (and so is the physical narrator, the history man), but she can’t help what she simply doesn’t know.

that’s why i find the ending so interesting, too. the introduction of the idea that maybe the peach tree isn’t true, that stories got passed around saying that furiosa simply shot dementus or tortured him to death in the same tree where he did the same to her mother, is something most *films* don’t do. it’s something that myths do, something that a real breathing person would do if they were verbally telling you the story.

because it’s an oral history!!

[this-is-fox-speaking]

vivzie refusing to credit people out of pettiness yet still using their work is fucking insane to me cause it’s such a show of her fragile ego. if i never credited my friends for the work they’d done or just the people who worked for me, bad blood or not, i’d immediately go OH SHIT MY BAD and take down whatever i uploaded or edit the final product in some way to include that credit. or if you don’t want to use that persons work anymore and refuse to credit them, JUST GET ANOTHER FUCKING GUY AFTERWARDS. LIKE WHEN INDIGO PARK HAD TO CHANGE THE MOLLIE MACAW DEATH SCREEN. they didn’t just steal the cool ass image and go forwards, they replaced the entire image and cut off all problematic ties.

if i ever do this in my own project (dreamworld) you NEED to shoot me down, online. MAKE SURE I DO IT. hold me accountable.

[invisiblegarters]

Only Friends Character Ramblings and Relationship Rankings - Ep 9

Last week, Ray was out there doing the most (to piss both me and Sand off), Mew thought the best way to get over Top was to live out Tove Lo's "Habits (Stay High)" and it wasn't working out for anyone, Nick was trying to get back into Boston's good graces and Boston was having absolutely NONE of it despite the fact that he very definitely misses him, and Cheum got lines for once and boy howdy, did people have a lot to say about it.

I had a really hard time with this one, because for the first time - whether because I am just so happy the stupid RayMew thing is finally over or because they gave me a break from my angst and anxiety, or because I just chilled out finally - I am liking everyone in this bar. So instead of ranking them from most to least favorite, I'm just gonna ramble on about them as I think of things to say.

Character Ramblings:

Boston. Look, Boston did nothing wrong at all this ep, he was just out living his life. It's not his fault his dick is apparently magic. He made zero fucking promises to anyone at all, and I'm getting kind of sick of everyone out here slut shaming him. Fuck that, and fuck them. There is nothing wrong with living your best promiscuous life, okay, so long as you're up front about it and use protection. And while we can't know if Boston does the latter since it's never brought up, he is the only character who has so much as mentioned it so I'm going to assume so unless told otherwise.

Also I was really impressed with Neo's acting this ep. I'm impressed all the time, but I really liked the subtle changes that came over his face the more Nick talked in that this is my final goodbye scene. Like the way he fights so much of it and tries to act so aloof and done with the whole thing but then every time his eyes find Nick's face...it was so good. And okay, I know it wasn't supposed to be funny but him just being like "peace" to his hookup was hilarious to me. I really don't want some tragic backstory for Boston and I don't want him to do a 180 on his entire life, but I think it's been clear for a while that he needed to hear a lot of what Nick said.

I just love this dude, okay? No apologies, no justifications. Just 💖

Rock on, Boston.

Sand. Yeah, I know what people think of him. Whatever. I am just gonna respectfully disagree with the lot of you. I don't necessarily agree with his choices, but I can't say that he's not making them with his eyes wide open. And honestly I don't read him as being unable to walk away from Ray. I read him as simply not wanting to. That's his decision. It's an active choice he's making. I wish people would fucking let him have it.

I also find it kind of hilarious that he's so okay with helping Ray cheat on Mew, even if he makes a whole point about how fucked up it is. Sand, you hypocritical little shit. Finally you get to be messy again - I've been waiting for it to pop up since episode six. And yeah, that's about as far as it goes. Let me be utterly frank here: this man could go out and start kicking puppies and I would love him regardless. I can see where he goes wrong, but if you expect me to vilify him for it you might want to settle down with some food and drink, because you're gonna be hanging out a while.

Still think he really needs someone comforting him for once. Do not think that will happen. Am sad about it.

Mew. I'm so glad to see rational Mew return. I hope that he's a little less quick to judge now, but I missed the direct guy we saw in that last conversation with Ray. I liked that guy, and I was happy to get him back. I think that we'll see some changes in him, and that's okay - it's good even. Being young is all about figuring out who you are and what you're into, shaping yourself towards the kind of person you want to be. I can't tell you how many different personas I stuck on at Mew's age. But one of his core traits did always seem to be a frankness that has been missing - or worse, not missing but deliberately aimed to try and hurt. I appreciated the reflection he clearly had this episode. I always knew he'd boomerang back though. Whatever people say, I knew he was too steady at heart not to.

I'm eager to see what this hybrid Mew will be like. I don't want to say that it was good for him to have what happened happen, because no one deserves it, but I do think that we're going to see a looser, less rigid version of Mew, and that part is good, actually.

Top. I've liked him for a while, and the trend continues. He got a little pushy this ep, but nowhere near as pushy as certain others I could name, and if I am not planning on acting like they are beyond the pale for it (and for the record I'm not) then I won't do it to him ether. I'm also not buying that he's been fucking his ex, either. Not until the show tells me. I made that mistake last week with thinking Ray and Mew were gonna bone down this episode and then I was wrong, and anyway I want to believe in Top. So I am going to continue to do that.

Atom, Daddy (I keep wanting to say Dapper here and that's not it, guys) Dan, and Boeing. Welp. Was wrong about Daddy Dan but not about Atom - I knew that boy was gonna get clingy. I have a feeling he's going to be a real problem. I am both nervous and excited to see what he does next, and how it will ripple outward. As for Dan, we'll see. I just foresee bad things coming of sleeping with the boss, even if he is as cute as Papang. And Boeing...I am so ready for him to come in and mess things up. I want Jojo to make good on his promise and for that man to be kissing errbody. I especially want a flashback to a threesome with him, Sand, and Top if he is indeed the ex (and I have no reason to believe otherwise, it makes the most sense to have Boeing pulling double duty rather than have him be only there to mess with Mew and Top). l almost wonder if he isn't really there to mess with the Mew and Top dynamic quite as much as we think since they're putting such an emphasis on him doing so and I have well-earned Trailer Trust Issues.

Nick. Oh, Nick. Nicholas. Nikeroni. The love junkie. I swear I was so mad at him when he kept encouraging Sand in his pursuit of all things Ray at the beginning of the ep, but I guess one stalker recognizes another, because literally nothing he said about Ray was wrong. And I have to admit that his little speech to Boston was actually really sweet, even if he had to be himself and literally follow Boston and a hookup to the toilet to give it. I was also amused that he was the one who introduced "Daddy" into his dynamic with Bossman Dan, and yet Sand had to explain to him what masochism was. I am proud of him for trying to move on but question the wisdom of doing so with his literal boss. He did say he'd be willing to lick his ass, I guess.

Cheum. She's back to being Miss Barely Appearing in the Show, but I enjoyed her relief to get Mew acting like himself again. I actually believe that she really cares about Mew and has his best interests at heart, and that she was worried about him. Did she handle it the best way? Not at all, but I understand the impulse. I don't think that Mew had to apologize to her but I like that she at least seems resolved now to let him make his own damn choices.

Yo. The woman's love life might be a mess, but she speaks sense and apparently she was also happy to fill Mew's ear with exactly just how far gone his totally real and not a farce boyfriend he swears was for someone else. Not that Mew wasn't picking up on it anyway, but it gives me a kick to think about the two of them talking about it. Why? Because I imagine she basically told him that the fact he didn't give two shits proved her point about his own damn feelings.

Ray. I know I said I wasn't doing this in order but I did leave him for last deliberately, because I think I'm gonna have the most to say about him. It feels like he's been in the back of my head nonstop for the last two weeks, in fact, so prepare yourself for a long fucking essay of me trying to work out my own feelings about him. Also I'm gonna stick in a keep reading cut here because I am going to touch on self harm and possibly suicide. Also not all my thoughts about Ray are pretty or entirely sympathetic and are very probably also incoherent. I'm not apologizing for that but if it's not something you want to read it might be a good idea to stop now.

It should be no surprise that I have had a hard time with this dude. I have talked about it. I find him largely unlikeable, and I will maintain until I'm blue in the face that I am supposed to find him unlikable, and I think that it's only because of Khaotung that I never really crossed over into loathing. Before you start, no I don't mean because Khaotung is pretty (although he is) or because I have a bias (although I do), but because he's an excellent actor, and ninety percent of the time you can see beneath whatever selfish shit Ray's pulling to the desperation that drives most of his actions - the clawing need to be loved, to be wanted, and the constant compulsion to keep moving, to live in the here and now, right now, and not think either beyond or before the very second he's in at the very time he's in it, because to think of the past hurts too much and the future is unfathomable.

The other ten percent is pure twenty two year old rich asshole though. Which is - well, not fine exactly, but understandable. All these guys are twenty some year old assholes. That's normal.

The hard part is reconciling these two things, I think. Both because of my personal experiences with people like Ray (both the asshole and the addict, joy), and because there is a temptation to either ignore the addiction to vilify him or use it as an excuse for literally every shitty stunt he pulls. Does his addiction exacerbate the other issues he has in his life? Yes. Does it explain a lot of his more volatile behavior? Also yes. Does it give him free license to do and say whatever he wants with zero repercussions, or give a good reason to shift the blame onto the people he regularly mistreats because he can't help himself and they should help him more? That'll be a hearty fucking no from me.

Addiction is very, very hard to deal with, both for the people experiencing it and for the people around them who can see a person they care for destroying themselves and generally can't do much about it, because ultimately the addict is the one who has to decide to make a change. And one thing I respect about this show is that it isn't shying away from the difficulties and realities of Ray's situation, both for him and for his friends. I know that people are very frustrated with his friends for not helping him and for basically being checked out, but to me it just hurts because I've seen that. I've seen that from people decades older than these guys. I'm not trying to excuse them, either - honestly, I fully agree with @thewayuarent in their post where they say that if they can't deal, stepping away fully is in fact the best answer (and that there is no shame in having to do so) - but I do understand it. It's not pretty to watch when we all know that Ray is suffering and pretty much aiming not to reach his next birthday, but I have definitely seen this sort of thing go down in reality, and everyone's threshold is different. I think it's very possible we're going to see even Sand, with his apparently unlimited well of patience for Ray, struggle and possibly break in the coming episodes.

If Ray does intend to take this rehab thing seriously - personally, I do not think he will (at least at first), mostly because he is not (yet) doing it for himself, he's doing it for Sand and possibly for Mew even though he very obviously still does not think he needs it or has a problem (or, to be a little more accurate, he might suspect he has a problem but he's refusing to acknowledge it. Also, just as an aside, I am very curious about his bargaining chip to Sand regarding rehab - Ray's asked repeatedly about Sand's dad and I am very curious as to why he's so invested in this. My guess is it has to do with his own issues around his parents but I do hope the show gives us some insight because there's something about it that isn't sitting right with me)) - I do hope that we see his friends take steps to help him. Because while it is ultimately on him to get better, there are things that they can do to help. They won't know these things instinctively, but I'd like to see them take this as seriously as they want him to (my personal belief is that Mew and Sand will, but I can't be entirely sure. Mew cares about Ray, okay, you'll never convince me otherwise, he's just...up until recently he reminded me of one of those people in my life who does not struggle with depression asking me why I can't just stop being sad. Yeah. That's Mew. It just doesn't compute in his head because it's not a problem he personally faces and he doesn't necessarily mean to be dismissive but he is dismissive because again, it's not a struggle he is familiar with. In his brain, it's as simple as putting the bottle/drugs down. I'm really hoping his spiral makes him more understanding of Ray's issues but there is also a real danger that he will be worse about them because he stopped so easily. I am leaning more towards him being kind and making more of an effort to understand rather than condemn. Not to mention Sand makes and sells illegal hooch and that's uh, gonna be a problem. You can feel it, right? Because I can feel it).

I got a little sidetracked, but all this was to say that I've been really hard on Ray, harder than a lot of people. So much so that I've been accused of being a Ray hater, lol. And I do find it kind of hilarious that these last two episodes have been what have induced me to be kinder to him, when a lot of others are increasingly losing their patience with his whole deal. For the record, I don't see a problem with disliking or even hating Ray (or any character) any more than I see a problem with adoring him - people have their own reasons for it and I can hardly throw stones when at least a quarter of my ire at him was because he is such an epic SHIT to Sand, who is MY ride or die just leave him be unless you're offering him the hug he so desperately needs baby blorbo. He's going to continue to be an ass to him I'm sure, I just now have reasonable hope Sand's gonna give it back in spades (more on this later) so I've calmed down on that a bit, lol.

I feel like a weird person, because the worse Ray gets the more I see the self-destruction in it. It's his casual dismissal of other people's feelings and lack of care that gets to me and makes me want to throttle him, not his big rants (except the whore comments which I still haven't forgiven although Sand apparently has because he's a better person than me). His big rants, however, have the air of someone who is trying to get himself hurt. He wants Mew to tell him that Top is a thousand percent better than he is and that Ray can never measure up, wants Sand so mad that he knocks him to the floor, wants them to lash out and return cruelty for cruelty, because it will prove what Ray has always suspected (known) deep down: he is unlovable. Eventually, he will become too much and people will become tired of his shit and bail. And if they won't? If they stay over and over and over again? He'll find a way to make them. I still maintain that part of his whole deal with Mew was that Mew gave him what he wanted, the kind of love he thought he deserved: you can come this close and no farther, because you are Too Much and you are Not Good Enough. The fact that Mew didn't intend to do that hardly mattered - it was a way for Ray to reinforce his own beliefs about himself and as much as it hurt there's a sort of satisfaction in it, too.

Like, I am not smart enough to explain this right but it's self-harm. It's not done in the way people associate with self-harm but that's what it is. Ray self-sabotages because there's a sort of vicious, sick satisfaction in confirming that this thing that he's always believed about himself is true - he is an unlovable burden who will eventually drive any and everyone who has the bad luck of caring about him away. And it also lets him continue along his path of addiction because 1 - it's fine if he destroys himself because he's such a pain that no one cares anyway and they might even be better off if he does and 2 - alcohol makes it not matter as much.

Ray wants to be loved. Ray will also make sure that it is near impossible to do so because in a strange way it makes him feel better and because if he admits that if he can be then he has to change his whole way of thinking about himself - and about why his mom treated him the way she did.

So yeah. Episode 8 did the thing. It finally made me recognize patterns I've seen before and I was just like yeowch.

And it's hard for me to articulate about episode 9, because there was still that element in some of Ray's interactions, but I think it also showed us the opposite side, too - a Ray who is actually capable of communicating beyond simply reacting in the moment. We've seen this before with both Mew and Sand, but never quite to the extent we saw in this ep. I am not one who believes that we've ever seen an entirely sober Ray, but I do think the show has done a good job of giving us shades of what that man might look like.

Unfortunately, I think it's gonna take us until episode 12 to get there, if we do. Because while I do think that we might see a sober Ray before then, I also think he's gonna be a lot nastier than even the Ray we were given in episode 8 (disclaimer that I am not saying that I believe that sober Ray is nasty, I am saying that the Ray who will be dealing with stuff he has been burying beneath booze and drugs for a long time on top of withdrawal is very likely to lash out - if he even gets that far. It's entirely possible the whole thing falls apart before it even starts). I could be wrong. I'd like to be wrong, because I am also very worried that the person who is gonna bear the brunt of it is Sand and as we've established I adore Sand beyond all reason (and I'm not saying Sand might not earn a measure of it - I'd like it if he did actually earn it, as opposed to Ray just attacking him disproportionately to whatever crime he thinks he's committed, you know?).

I don't think he's hit that proverbial rock bottom. I've said before that Ray also frustrates me because he somehow manages to skirt any real consequences for his actions. Even his car accident was pretty papered over, and his near arrest was taken care of by Top and literally all Ray could do was sneer that his dad would have taken care of it. It gets to me, but here's the thing: I can also feel something coming for him. I could be wrong, but right now I can hear that train whistle in the distance, can feel the vibrations as it draws closer, and I worry that it's going to be really bad. I don't think it'll be death - I actually believe Jojo that no one is dying although I could have egg on my face by the end - but not dying doesn't mean that someone (my biggest fear is Sand but it could be anyone up to and including Ray himself) isn't going to get seriously hurt.

I hope I'm wrong. We've only got three episodes left and I really want an upward trajectory from Ray especially out of this show - I know Jojo is capable of realistic bleakness (3 Will Be Free), but I really hope we're not going there with this show. I don't think we are. But there's still that niggling fear that we might be. Second season or not (ugh, sorry but ugh), I really really want ep 12 to end on a decent note for him. I'm not asking for him to be a new man, I'm only asking for a little hope that he's on his way to healing.

If you've actually gotten this far without bailing, we're returning to our regularly scheduled programming now. Promise.

Relationships (Most to Least Fave atm)

Nick & Sand. I just love these two. They are my favorite relationship in the show and I want more scenes with them. Everything from them bonding over their love for men who don't love them back to their attempted hookup and then giggle was just pitch perfect this ep. I would honestly watch an entire episode of the Sand and Nick show, if not more. I love how they support each other but I am so curious what Nick has been telling Sand about Boston because wow, does Sand hate his guts. I mean it could just boil down to the fight in the apartment but he also likes to bring up how shitty Boston treats Nick so who the hell knows. But yeah, they click and I love it.

Mew & Ray. What? They were good this ep, and I really hope that we see more of a genuine, loving friendship spring between them now that Ray's not constantly trying for more and Mew doesn't have to watch everything he says or does with him lest Ray decide it means Mew is interested in a romantic relationship. I also liked the fight between them (even if I wasn't a fan of some of the Nice Guyish things coming out of Ray's mouth) because it marks the first time we've seen Ray do that with him. Look. I am not saying that I like watching Ray go off on Mew for the supreme sin of not wanting his dick. What I am saying is that the fact that he could go off on him at all is a marked change from how he has been treating him since episode 1. Mew is not the idol Ray wants him to be, and I really hope we see him treating him less like some savior who's going to reach down and pluck Ray out of the depths of his despair and more like a real friend. And I'm hoping that Ray doing that will let Mew be able to care for him the way he clearly does without worrying that his love will be taken the wrong way. Basically I'm just really here for their friendship era without all the extra. Also would like to say that Book and Khaotung's acting in that last scene with them really struck me - both of them are more relaxed, the stars are completely out of Ray's eyes and you can visibly see the moment when it clicks for Mew that the "I love you" Ray is giving him now is finally the kind he can reciprocate freely and fully. I just love it.

TopMew. My endgame prediction, and I ship it a lot. I think we all knew that we'd get to where this episode left us eventually - Mew was hurt and humiliated but at some point I just realized he was gonna try again. Whether it works out, I dunno (although I said they are my endgame prediction), but in the same way that Ray owed it to himself to try with Mew and Sand owes it to himself to try with Ray, Mew owes it to himself to see if he can move past what happened with Boston. I think it'll be interesting to watch - we'll see what Boeing throws into the mix but even without him it would be interesting, because Mew's gonna be twice as guarded and extremely gun shy. I can't pretend I'm not looking forward to where this is going, whether it winds up being back together, something open-ended, or a book firmly closed.

BostonNIck. My favorite disaster couple. I have shipped this from the very start because I'm like that you can't stop me, and I continue to ship it even though more and more I think it will go nowhere. That's okay I don't need it to, and in fact I think that their fundamental differences on love and sex would doom them even if they did try. I just want to see how they're going to navigate whatever is going on with them now. Are we gonna see Boston being flat footed and trying to get Nick's attention (like it's hard, lol)? Will they just sort of wind up talking and both pretend that everything else never happened? Will they form an actual friendship? I think I'd like to see that.

SandRay. Welp I said that their dynamic was close to what I like but not enough, and this episode tipped the scales. I'm never gonna be a die hard shipper and frankly I believe these two are doomed to break (although I am back on my hope that they will manage to salvage a friendship out of it train, so that's nice), but that music room scene not only hit a very specific button for me, it smashed the damn thing down hard. Also the cheek kiss. That whole scene actually was shot a very very specific way to convey a very very specific mood and I'm kind of in love with it and how very different it is when you compare it to the scene in ep 2. I am very curious to see how Ray acts with Sand now. Very curious. Also, I just used very so many times that it no longer feels like a word.

I also think that this might be Sand's relationship to break. I kinda hope so. It would at least get us out of the cycle of Ray screwing things up constantly and then running back to Sand to patch things up. Also, admittedly a tiny part of me just wants to see Ray in shambles over Sand for once. The heart wants what it wants, and all that.

I am also very curious to see if Boeing is going to wind up screwing with their dynamic in some way. I know he's busy causing friction with Mew and Top according to next episode's preview, but I don't trust those things and there's also no reason the man can't pull double duty. Maybe even triple duty. I believe in him.

NickDaddyDan. Never getting over Nick being the one to introduce that dynamic. And while I approve of his trying to move on from Boston, I do not necessarily think doing so with the boss is the best overall move. See, here's my thing. I will put up with a lot, but the second you screw with my money you've lost me. Not only no but hell no, and fucking the boss is a one way ticket to making that happen. Because chances are good that as soon as that relationship goes sour, so then does the job. Just a whole world of nope for me. And this feels like it will inevitably happen. How does this reconcile with my love of shows like Jun & Jun, The Director Who Buys Me Dinner, The New Employee, etc? Simple. In all of those the genre I was watching basically guaranteed that wouldn't be part of the equation. Although in The New Employee it sort of was, since Seung Hyun was absolutely not hired to get at Jong Chan. It's one of the things that I praised Step By Step for actually - the fact that it was Pat who suffered for what both he and Jeng were doing. Because in real life, the boss rarely gets it in the teeth when this kind of thing is found out. Not to mention what can happen if you break up with a boss prone to retaliation. And Only Friends definitely leans more towards reality than most. So I expect to wince a few times here.

I don't know if I think that Dan is prone to petty retaliation. He seems sweet, if awkward. But the worry is there. We'll see how it goes.

[filledwithair]

Midnight Cries- Chronically Unfinished

The Wedding Song- I know there's Heaven, but we must be higher

Bonds- Tied to a memory buried in my room

The Aftermath of You- Accompanied by the ghost of who used to be

In some Indy music magazine...

..."Midnight Cries", the EP after Seven's departure, is probably the most intimate work of Chronically Unfinished to date, especially, of their new and only lead singer. Maze allows us to take a peek to her emotional labyrinth after the breakup. Guided by her music and her lyrics, we feel the sadness that runs deep in the songwritter and, despite that, numbness and apathy seem to be the final emotions that artist leaves us with.

Please someone listen to The Wedding Song and Reneé Rapp's whole album it's a masterpiece

and of course this MC belongs to the world of @infamous-if that lives rent free in my mind, thank you very much Amy

When i first created Gia i thought of not letting her to mourn properly the break up with Seven, i didn't allowed her to sing about it but it doesn't feel true to her character anymore.

Gia wrote Midnight Cries as a way of channeling all that hurt, gathering those feelings so hard to process and putting them in same place. She chose music especifically an acoustic album, and tried to reduce the songs to the minimum, no unnecesary sounds or lyrics, or instruments just a melody and the feelings she wanted to put out.

Although all those feelings were "loud" what Gia's voice transmitted was mostly numbness, it didn't matter that lyrics and the music evoked melancholy, Gia wasn't ready or didn't want to be ready to deal with the aftermath of the fight and the consequential break upbecaluse that would mean admitting it ended, so she hid behind not feeling. It was a contradiction and she knew it but again chose not to acknowledge so when de EP was out she buried it deep and take refuge in her stage persona, Maze.

The pictures used as covers encapsule more or less the meaning of the songs. The EP cover is the sculpture of Cesare Mancini's tomb by Franceaco Fabi-Altini. The Wedding Song is Il Sacrificio, by Leonardo Bistolfi; Bonds is Daniele Accossato, Pallet n°1 and finally, The Aftermath of You is a piece by Daniel Arsham from his exposition Paris 3020. I chose thos sculptures mostly because Gia is a history major and also draws so it seemed fitting.

[flame-shadow]

hey did you know??? that if you stop stretching and maintaining mobility in your body then it goes away?? things get tight and you can't move the way that you used to??? and when you decide to try getting a stretch routine going that the first week fucking sucks because you keep going 'damn i used to be able to do this no problem' and then you have to switch gears and be kind to yourself and just focus on getting better from here instead of berating yourself for dropping the good habits in the first place??? and your body never stops aging so you gotta keep taking care of it and sometimes you gotta take care of it extra in certain areas because of things that happened when you were younger and it's boring and sometimes hurts but it's so necessary???

i am yelling this at myself right now i am going through An Experience (trying to get into a routine of body maintenance again for my physical and mental health)

[mirpkechi]

this is me btw . . . me when online frienfds . . . me when close mutuals . . . me talking to the silly people in my phone . . .

[puppyeared]

learned something about myself lately

[technically-human]

Hey, don't cry. Ghost yuri, okay?

(Now that you know the girls, they need to meet the boys!)

[remxedmoon]

i hit 1k followers recently!!!! yipee!!!!!!! thank you all!!! so in celebration here’s all of my completed isat doodle pages, from oldest to newest. go nuts with them!! and maybe don’t look at the first doodle page too closely. it’s Old.

(no greyscale version below for once! just some mushy ramblings. you don’t have to read them don’t worry)

hhhhhha?? so many people. where did you come from. how did you all find me.

ok but seriously, thank you all so much for all the support. i never really. expected to make it this far? like, ever?? i’ve mentioned it a few times on here, but i’ve been a lurker for the past… 2 years, i think? and even before that, i never gained much traction outside of a couple posts. so this has been. very new to me!! in a nice way!! it’s weird to feel like an actual member of a community!! that people know about!

the idea of finally coming back to social media was Daunting (i literally got stress hives writing my first post lol) and the warm reception really. meant a lot?? i don’t think i would’ve ever gotten the courage to come back if i hadn’t been encouraged to by the people over at the isat discord!!

the fact that people actually care about my art still doesn’t feel real?? seeing people take inspiration from my art is just. surreal. just. auagssh. thank you all so so much for everything, i really do appreciate it!!! i’m really glad to be in this community. sorry if this all sounds sappy and long winded i’ve just got a lot of emotions about this whole thing!!

(also as a bonus for reading all this or whatever. here’s a concept page for isatscryption! it felt a little out of place next to my normal canvases so i’m putting it down here! yipee! sorry my notes here are so disjointed auauau…)

[gas-station-chai]

I ship them but in a "definitely on their 3rd divorce" way

[timkontheunsure]

Queer secondary adolescence and Stolas

(I keep forgetting to put this up here)

Ok, so Stolas being teen dad is one of the reasons I get annoyed when people say he's too horny with Blitz. Or that his relationship is too dramatic and teenager-y.

He's a queer guy who never got to be a teenager, didn't get to have a first boyfriend, or explore who he was. Or do any of the normal stuff most straight teenagers get to do.

His family stuffed him in the closet, forced him to have child, and gave him an abusive wife as jailer.

(He around 36, with a 17 year old daughter. 36−17=19 when Octavia was born. Likely married at 18).

He's got some chatting up to do.

Up till now his whole life's been about Via, and mitigating Stella's abuse to hid it from Via.

That's left him barely hanging on, taking an increasing amount of antidepressants; and singing lullabies about not being sure he'll make it till Via's grown up.... 🙁

There's this thing called second adolescence that alot of queer people experience, when they come out later in life.

It happens when they're weren't allowed to do normal teenage things at the right age. So things like having crushes, go on first dates, have extremely anxious dramatic relationships. As well just be a normal horny teenager.

Stolas got to do none of that. So he's doing it now.

He's also pretty obviously an autistic guy (separate post ), who didn't get well socialized as a child.

Blitz appears to have been his first and only really friend.

Stolas is not great at social cues. (He's so happy to be able to help with his special interest, but does realise his tone is upsetting Ozzie).

Even with Via he struggles to understand her. She needs to tell her dad flat out what she needs.

When she tries to be subtle, and snark he assumes it's just her being a moody teen. And that she'll enjoy loo loo land when she loosen up a bit.

Because of this lack Stolas mostly fills in gaps in his social experience with masking.

Such copying Gabriel hairstyle from helluva novella to get ready for his first ever date.

Following Blitz's lead of what to do in an uncomfortable situation.

And trying to match the energy of how Blitz first came on to him.

(He's definitely getting better at it from Blitz reaction).

There's also an idea in CBT called reparenting your inner child. Which about giving yourself some the support, and experiences you missed out on because of abuse.

Stolas needs to go through his secondary adolescence as part of his recovery from his abuse.

So let Stolas be a little horny weirdo. 😛

PS this one will brake you heart. Stolas is standing fully in both these pictures.

You can see how much he's grown by her light switch.

Kid hasn't even reached his full adult height yet when he had to have a kid.

[turtlespancake]

i love seeing out of context posts about long-running stories with deep lore because it's always shit like "MAJOR SPOILER WARNING!! i can't believe that the metallic athenaeum's envoy actually used never-ending dance of the 57th universe on rionne as if she's not LITERALLY the incarnate of august?!?!" it's like buddy boy thank you for the spoiler tag but all of those words are incomprehensible without at least 5 years of foreshadowed knowledge, 7 different fan theories, and 21 wiki entries

[viyojo]

You're a kid now…🧍‍♂️still a kid now!

[iamhereinthebg]

I can now die in peace

[starcurtain]

Female Guidance in Aventurine's Life

One thing I haven't seen discussed in much depth yet, but which I think is especially interesting, is the consistency of female guidance in Aventurine's life: Every single person who we have seen on screen offering Aventurine assistance or making a positive difference in his life is female (with one exception, yes, I'll get there).

Under the read more cause it's longggg:

Before even diving into his family, let's just get the obvious out of the way: Aventurine is, at least supposedly, blessed by a goddess. The very origin of his good fortune--be it actual blessing or curse--comes from the literal "mother goddess" who watches over him. This is one of the only instances in Star Rail where a god character is specifically given a gender, and Gaiathra is not ever ambiguous. She is the classic female fertility goddess with all the trappings of other famous triple goddess figures of the real world. Aventurine's personal belief in the goddess may be shaky, but he nevertheless continues to treasure his people's faith. Thus, at the core, we can say Aventurine is a character who is guarded by the most quintessential mother figure possible.

Now, with the most obvious out of the way:

We know that Aventurine's father died before Aventurine was even born, and therefore he would not have any memories of his father, leaving him to be raised by his mother and sister.

Both women clearly made an enormous and lasting impression on Aventurine; they haunt every single one of his memories of Sigonia and are the key elements of the family Aventurine longs to return to. While he flirts with the concept of death as a way to see his family members again, it was also his mother and sister who instilled in him any sense of self-worth and meaning to his existence, the only things keeping him from giving up on living. His mother believed him to be blessed; his sister insisted to his face that not even the only remaining remnant of their mother had any value in comparison to his life.

It is for his sister that Aventurine first begins expressing a self-sacrificial nature, and from his sister that this self-sacrifice is reinforced when she uses herself as a shield to help him escape massacre at the hands of the Katicans.

It is also from his sister that Aventurine learns many of the deeply meaningful actions he holds onto to the present day, despite having been so far removed from his own culture.

Conversely, every one of Aventurine's early negative experiences on screen appear to have been driven (at least primarily) by men.

Although the Katican tribe of course would have both men and women, the tribal societies on Sigonia appear to be on the fairly traditional side, with Aventurine's mother staying at the camp with her child while his father was the one to go out and hunt for offerings for Gaiathra. This is also supported by Aventurine asking Jade to take him to her "chief" later on. Therefore, it is likely (although of course not guaranteed) that a majority of the Katicans' army was male, and that Aventurine's early experiences with outsiders consisted almost entirely of indiscriminate pillaging and massacre at the hands of what the Avgin viewed as savage, invading warriors. In separate instances, Aventurine was traumatized by these warrior figures three times--first with the loss of his father, then his mother, and then finally his sister.

And even their hope, supposed to come in the form of the "men in black" from the IPC, completely abandoned them, leaving Aventurine once again betrayed by masculine figures that were supposed to be there to protect him. Led by Oswaldo Schneider, another cruel male authority figure, the Marketing Department of the IPC permitted the wholesale slaughter of Aventurine's people--something which we know Aventurine is now aware of.

Then, of course, the next piece of Aventurine's backstory we're given is his male slave master. I don't really need to say anything about this, do I? This man violated Aventurine's human dignity and bodily autonomy, and forced Aventurine's hand in a life or death battle for which Aventurine still punishes himself mentally, even years in the future.

In part to escape the difficulty of his situation and rise to a position where he would have enough resources to--he thought--help his people, Aventurine joins up with the IPC. But when he attempts to make contact with a powerful man in the organization, Diamond, he is instead met by a woman, Jade, who against Aventurine's own expectations determines that she will raise Aventurine up (or use him as a tool, depending on how you currently choose to interpret Jade's motivations), granting him wealth and status beyond his imagination.

(And this line in particular is interesting, because you can take it one of two ways: 1) Aventurine comes from a patriarchal planet that traditionally put men into positions of power [thereby making his own slavery an emasculating act, aligning him further with disenfranchised women]; thus, he is making the assumption that to get anywhere in this organization, he will need to work with a man; or 2) He actually was counting on Jade taking his bet and helping him right from the beginning, because Aventurine perceives women as inherently more likely to protect and aid him than men would be.)

In the end, Jade does exactly as she claims she will, launching Aventurine into a position of power while also closing golden handcuffs around his wrists. She positions herself not only as his supervisor, but as his advocate and ally. She entrusts him with her Cornerstone, a sign of significant faith in his abilities. She even seems to be keenly aware of his bias towards the mother figure, referring to him as "child" in their conversations.

Whether this is genuine or a manipulation tactic can certainly be debated (and I'm not inclined to think at this point that Jade is a genuinely good role model or selflessly supportive person in Aventurine's life), but whatever the case, women are the only people Aventurine even remotely considers to be "in his corner."

We see this even earlier, in Aventurine's call to Topaz. Like with the example of his mother and sister, Aventurine trusts in Topaz's ability implicitly, and considers her above anyone else when it comes to completing the mission in Penacony.

Although of course we don't know if Aventurine has any other friends or allies among the Strategic Investment Department, it seems very likely that Topaz, yet another woman, is the one he is closest with. At the very least, she is the only IPC character (so far) that Aventurine has a complimentary voice line for, one that shows his respect for her talent:

Over and over again, the story aligns Aventurine with female figures in positions of authority, and demonstrates that he is comfortable (although maybe not too comfortable, in the case of Jade) with relying on them and trusting their judgment, just as he did with his mother and sister.

And this pretty much goes off the charts in Penacony, where Aventurine has more involvement with the female cast than virtually any other non-female character (even the Trailblazer!). We set the pattern off right away, with Aventurine immediately being placed into a negotiation situation with Himeko, respecting her role as the Express's leader and working to get himself aligned with the Express by acquiescing to her request for support.

Then there's the fact that Aventurine is the one who finds Robin's body, an event which, although he didn't let it show too much, was almost certainly traumatic for him, given the violent death of his own sister.

Next, twice in Penacony's story, we see Aventurine seek out Sparkle for information. He may not personally like her and her comments may be both racist and dehumanizing, but Aventurine does rely on her--being the only character explicitly seeking her aid, which no one else in Penacony seems to want.

In 2.0...

And in 2.1.

Now, say it with me, guys: Aventurine built an entire portion of his grand plan around the idea that if he looked pathetic enough, a female character would absolutely come and help him. And sure enough, the women come through for him, always! Sparkle gives him the exact last clue he needs to confirm his belief that he could use "Death" to reach the true Penacony, sealing the deal for the rest of his plan.

His plan which also hinged significantly on Black Swan's involvement too, another woman that he views as, if not trustworthy, then at least intelligent and hyper-competent.

Contrast all this, of course, with the treatment Aventurine receives at the hands of Sunday, the lone opposing male character he faces in Penacony.

Sparkle implies that Sunday would humiliate Aventurine in an unmistakably sexual and degrading way, and Sunday himself professes this same desire to see Aventurine humiliated.

Then we're "treated" to the moment in which Sunday uses the Harmony's (or perhaps actually the Order's?) power against Aventurine, in a scene which is supposed to reflect an interrogation but is also, very clearly, another nonconsensual violation of Aventurine's bodily autonomy and dignity by a man. While ostensibly seeking confirmation of the Cornerstone ruse, Sunday instead subjects Aventurine to unnecessary questions about his past on Sigonia, which recall and force Aventurine to re-endure memories of his trauma.

Even if this is what Aventurine prepared himself for and planned to have happen, the pain he experiences is very real, and he suffers both the physical and emotional consequences of Sunday's assault all the way up to his "Death" and possibly even beyond.

(Also, Sunday fans please don't get too up in arms with me for this; I also like Sunday! It's okay for characters to be morally grey!)

I think there's one other interesting example I would bring up here too, and that's Aventurine's conscious decision to weaponize his own masculinity against the Trailblazer. Through the 2.0 and 2.1 Trailblaze missions, Aventurine deliberately acts in an off-putting manner to the Astral Express crew, particularly the Trailblazer, in order to build up to the 2.1 climax where the Trailblazer is supposed to view him as an unrepentant villain and attack him without hesitation.

In order to achieve this uncomfortable, villainous effect, what does Aventurine do? Exactly what other men have done to him.

This is especially apparent if you're playing Stelle because of the ingrained societal taboo of a man entering a woman's personal space without consent, but even as Caelus, it is very clear that Aventurine is leveraging behaviors typically used to show dominance: In a complete 180 to all Aventurine's other body language in the game (normally quite withdrawn, frequently in defensive postures with his arms crossed or hand behind his back, almost always standing several feet away from other people), Aventurine violates the Trailblazer's personal bubble, looming over them (Caelus was sitting in this cutscene, lol), forcing eye contact, and commanding the space while informing them that they will have no choice.

For someone who was hunted, enslaved, had his movements restricted with chains, and due to his own slight stature has very likely been towered over by others who were intentionally asserting their power over him all his life, it is clear that Aventurine associates dominant, typically more masculine-coded physically-imposing behaviors with discomfort and even villainy.

Any girl who has ever had a man loom over her like this will realize very quickly: Aventurine wanted to make himself scary so he made himself act more like a bad man.

(Yes of course I know "not all men." I'm not saying every man behaves in this domineering way or that women cannot be domineering too, obviously, just that Aventurine had a very specific image in mind when constructing a "villainous persona," and the physically controlling tactics most typically used by aggressive men toward women was his immediate go-to.)

But where does that leave Dr. Ratio, the one male character actually on Aventurine's side?

Frankly, I don't want to derail my post about how intensely Hoyo chose to hammer on the message of "Women will protect you" in Aventurine's story with a discussion about a mlm ship, but the take-away here is going to lead in that direction anyway--so yes, Dr. Ratio is the exception.

What is interesting is that he does not come across as an exception at first, and in fact initially appears as another male character being rude and dismissive to Aventurine. Like, there are still people out there calling Ratio an unrepentant racist for this one.

Of course, it's later clarified that this is an act--likely even these insults were scripted specifically to give Sunday's spying ears the "insight" he needed to exploit Aventurine during the interrogation.

But even though it is an act, Aventurine still has noticeable trouble putting his faith in Ratio. He does genuinely doubt him a few times, despite knowing that they are working together to fool the Family.

Even his voice line about Ratio confirms that he doesn't think Ratio particularly cares for him; rather, he thinks Ratio simply tolerates him because he's slightly less unintelligent than those around them.

Ultimately, the entire act with Ratio ends up being a mirror of the real scenarios Aventurine has been experiencing with men his whole life (at least as far as we are shown his life). Men abandon him to fend for himself (unwillingly, like his father, or willingly, like Diamond leaving Aventurine to deal with Penacony alone on the inside). Ratio keeps leaving Aventurine completely alone. Men attempt to humiliate him and violate his boundaries (like Sunday and his slave master). Ratio insults Aventurine's appearance and intelligence repeatedly. Men betray him (like Oswaldo Schneider and his men leaving the Avgin to die). Ratio "betrays" him.

I'm not saying when Aventurine devised the plan for their act, he consciously drew up a list of all the ways men had hurt him in the past and had Ratio re-enact them one by one, but like... that's what happened, whether or not Aventurine intended it.

And okay, the shrinking scene in Dewlight Pavilion was just for fun and probably only slightly fetishy, the devs promise; yes, it was supposed to be a joke! ...But it's also not a mistake that this is yet another instance of a male character in a glaringly metaphorical position of power over Aventurine. Aventurine's tiny in this scene! He's completely vulnerable! He's in a dangerous position and the male character could very much hurt him in this moment.

But Ratio doesn't. (In fact, his line here is supposed to be sarcastic, very ha ha--but also, what is Ratio really saying? "I won't do anything to you without your express consent." What a good guy.)

Virtually everything negative that we see in 2.1 is Ratio doing these things as an act at Aventurine's own request. He doesn't actually disdain Aventurine; his own voiceline about Aventurine reinforces that he sees Aventurine as talented and intelligent.

Whatever you think he was apologizing for in their early scene, he's the only person we're ever shown in-game apologizing to Aventurine at all.

He worked hard to "betray" Aventurine but only as he was instructed to do, and immediately checks in on Aventurine's well-being afterward, even urging him to give up the plan if it becomes too much to handle.

And then, of course, there's the note: "Do stay alive. I wish you the best of luck."

After this point, it cannot be denied that Ratio is unequivocally on Aventurine's side, wants to help him, and is not doing so out of any sense of self-gain but largely because he is a good person who simply cares about Aventurine's fate. By the end of 2.1, it can no longer be doubted that Ratio is the exception to the "gender rule" of Aventurine's life, which--the story shows us again and again--was that guidance, protection, and care for Aventurine come from women, while men repeatedly represent dismissal, betrayal, or pain.

Ratio is, at least as far as Aventurine's story shows us, the proof that men can be good, that things are not as black and white in Aventurine's life as they might appear, and that--if you do choose to ship him with or see Aventurine as attracted to men--his attraction could be validated (and potentially reciprocated) by a male figure who would not bring additional harm to Aventurine's life. Aventurine makes the final decision to live after seeing Ratio's note--the exception to the rule ultimately proves to be the last piece needed to keep him alive.

But I promised I wasn't going to derail my own post about w o m e n, so let me get to the final point, and the one I really wanted to talk about: Although Ratio gets virtually all the credit for "saving" Aventurine in the fandom, Aventurine was actually saved by, you guessed it, another woman.

Not going to lie, the reason I started this post was specifically because I wanted to talk about how Acheron and Aventurine's dynamic was completely unexpected but actually fits flawlessly with the theme of feminine guidance in Aventurine's story.

Despite the fact that Aventurine made Acheron's life much harder and actively used her as a chip in his grand gamble, she doesn't blame or chastise him for those actions. Although she expresses some incredulity that Aventurine is actually that lucky, she then turns around and congratulations him for his ingenuity, immediately supporting him despite the fact that they don't even truly know each other.

Then it gets even more interesting. Acheron, who frequently hits her companions with deep and sometimes very emotionally fraught questions, asks Aventurine: "Have you never wavered?"

We as players know for a fact that Aventurine is constantly wavering, constantly doubting himself, his luck, and whether he'll even live--or even wants to live--to see tomorrow. But we also know that Aventurine is not forthcoming about those truths, refusing to express them to anyone, even himself. The only way we hear those dark truths is through his "future" self (who by the way, is once again another male figure cutting Aventurine down--of course it's himself but it's also, from the player's perspective, once again reinforcing the message that he isn't going to find safety or kindness in an adult male presence). Aventurine almost constantly deflects and diverts when his emotions or struggles are brought to the fore (unless he's divulging them for the specific purpose of allowing someone else to weaponize them). "I'm fine," he says, like a lying liar who lies.

But he doesn't lie to Acheron.

He chooses to be completely candid with her, to lance open the deepest wound of his life--that he can win and win and win and still have lost everything. The glitz and the glamour has all been stripped away here, at the end of everything, and Aventurine finally feels safe enough to admit that he fears he has absolutely nothing in his life worth living for.

And then, we get this direct parallel: Aventurine looks to Acheron, the woman now before him, for guidance, for explanation, exactly as he looked to his sister in the past.

He needs help, he needs answers, and he is continually seeking that help from the female figures in his life, whose support and kindness echo the lost care of his mother and sister.

"Go where you should be," Acheron tells Aventurine, guiding him across the river of death just as his sister insisted that he flee through the rain toward life.

Look guys, Acheron's even the one who reminds Aventurine to look at Ratio's note in the first place because apparently being an emanator of Nihility gives you x-ray vision, but my girl just gets no credit at all for being Aventurine's real savior, come on now!! Yes, Ratio's note was the final reminder Aventurine needed that someone would be waiting for him on the other side, but Aventurine would never have even gotten to the point of being willing to read that note if Acheron hadn't stepped in and provided him an answer to his question.

She feeds him back his own answer: "Why does life slumber? To rehearse the death for which we are not currently prepared." It is Acheron who reminds Aventurine that giving into the Nihility is pointless, and that rather than simply embracing a meaningless death, it is up to humanity itself to find and make meaning by living. It's this, not Ratio's note, that Aventurine gives as his reason for choosing to go on when asked by his own younger self. It's Acheron's words that finally give Aventurine an answer--why do we live just to die? Because there are people we can still make proud. Because when we go into death, we should do so with our heads held high, having achieved our own sense of purpose in this life.

Ratio gave Aventurine a promise: Someone is waiting for you to come back.

But Acheron gave Aventurine a reason: If life is inherently meaningless, doesn't that just mean you are free to give it meaning yourself?

She saved him, as women have been saving him all his life.

Anyway, this has already been horrendously long, but really what I wanted to say is that I think it is absolutely fascinating how consistent Aventurine's writing is when it comes to portraying where his support comes from and who he seeks guidance from. (Psst, just in case you still haven't figured it out, it's women!) In virtually every instance we are shown, we see the message reinforced that women are Aventurine's greatest allies and role models, while male figures are continually positioned to intentionally or unintentionally let him down and cause him distress.

"But women playing the supporting role to a male character is nothing new, Star, why are you so excited by this?"

Because the role women are playing in Aventurine's life is not the subservient supporter and emotional crutch role that female characters all too often play to male counterparts. None of the women in Penacony or Aventurine's past were there to do the emotional labor for him, to be a trophy or prize, or to cater to his needs. They don't exist solely to help him fulfill his character motivations; they aren't following him around waiting for his next request as their only role in the plot.

Instead, with Aventurine's story, we almost have an inversion of gender roles, where the male character eschews the stereotypical "men are leaders, fighters, and stoic heroes" archetype. Instead, no matter how hard he tries to hide it and keep a stiff upper lip, it is clear from 2.0-2.1's story that Aventurine is a deeply insecure, lonely, and explicitly traumatized survivor of genocide, slavery, and exploitation. Unlike most male characters, who are very rarely portrayed as genuine victims--because come on, shouldn't men be strong enough to fight back? Shouldn't men be able to shrug it off when they are hurt, emotionally or physically? (Of course I'm rolling my eyes here!)--Aventurine is belittled, humiliated, emasculated, and victimized on-screen, roles almost exclusively reserved for women, for whom surviving victimization in fiction is seen as noble.

Meanwhile, the women in Aventurine's life take on the roles traditionally given to male characters. They're both emotionally and physically his protectors. Aventurine's sister gave her life to guard his safety; Acheron ensured he could safely pass beyond the river of Nihility into the Primordial Dreamscape. They give him the tools necessary to succeed where he could not succeed on his own. His plan could never have gotten off the ground without Topaz and Jade entrusting their Cornerstones to him. The knowledge and capabilities of the women around him--not their "feminine charms"--are what allow them to help keep Aventurine on the right path even though he does waver. Even women who disrespect him, like Sparkle, still play a positive role in his life, able to provide him insight gained with their own intellect and talents.

When he has no one to rely on and doesn't know what to do, Aventurine is able to continually turn to the women around him, asking for and receiving not servitude or fawning, but their genuine wisdom and guidance.

tl;dr: If nobody else has him, Aventurine knows this random woman he met two minutes ago on the street will have him, because the women in his life literally never let him down.

(It's just so, so good, and ultimately, it should be very clear why Aventurine's story is as popular with women as it is! A+, Hoyo!)

[kaxtwenty]

God BLESS every Bad Batch fan artist who gives Tech brown skin and curly hair.

Y’all are healing the world 🙏🏻