#my adult relationships have just been emulating the treatment I got from my mom and oldest sister growing up

[avpd-queer]

I feel bad that my former best friend is in a toxic relationship and can’t see it, is throwing away their friends of over a decade for her, but I also can’t stop remembering how, when I shared with them that I had just learned I had been cheated on and gaslighted about it for 6 years, their response was concern about my abuser’s mental health. That conversation didn’t affect their relationship with him in the slightest, they didn’t try to be there for me or show up for me to him, and when I they learned that I was going to get back with that person just a few days later, expecting them to be like, “uh no I don’t think that’s a good idea” (like everyone else had done and like I expected from them, having told them “just don’t let any of your friends date him” when I shared that I was leaving him, thinking they could help me figure out where to sleep and how to adjust), they didn’t protest at all. I was glad to avoid the awkwardness of, “thank you for your concern but I don’t have other options and idk I guess I’m gullible but also I just really want to believe it’ll get better” but also hurt that they didn’t seem concerned for my well-being. Hoping that they just didn’t voice that part because I’m an adult and can make decisions and already know what advice I would give myself. I just had to cling to believing that, and thinking maybe they don’t understand what gaslighting is and that’s why they didn’t seem to care, even as they became less and less my friend and eventually dropped both of us for trying to set a boundary with them about their girlfriend. And the only way they offer for me to be there for them through their relationship is to stuff down all of my needs and feelings, go along with every whim of their girlfriend, and accept that we will never get time with them without her ever again. They kept pretending like everything was okay and they totally understood, when we were face-to-face, and then they’d go home and suddenly we’re horrible and need to apologize to her for…being her friend? Trying to get more time with our best friend? Being honest with our best friend when they ask why we haven’t been able to get closer to their girlfriend? We were trying to be adult and trust in the strength of our friendship, but they fully gave in to their girlfriend’s temper tantrum over her misinterpretation of messages she logged into their discord to read, and they have just fully thrown us away. Ghosted us for pride and haven’t communicated with us in any form since. We had some extra pizza from a canceled event at my partner’s work that I left on their doorstep and had my sister text about, and they responded that they were out of the country, visiting her family. Normally we have two weekly dnd sessions and 1-2 weekly hangout sessions - the first week of dnd was canceled and after that, they just never showed up. This month of nothing is one of the few months we had left before they were going to move to where her family lives in the US, like 10hr drive from here, being fully isolated with her, without a support system, away from the support system they haven’t been away from in like 8 years (when I was in New York - my partner was here during those 2 years, they were roommates).

I’m just so hurt. They meant so much to me, I planned on having them in my life for the rest of it. I knew in the last relationship they were in they let us fall to the side some but she broke up with them and they realized how absorbed they’d been and promised to not let it happen again. Before meeting the current girlfriend, who they immediately got absorbed into. I don’t know what the fuck to do.

[charliesangelspathfinder]

Seva’s character questionaire

1.      What is your name?

Given name? Ruby Trill. Earned the surname of Nimblemind.

2.      Do you have any nicknames? If you do, who gave it to you and why?

Seva – it’s an old nickname. Seth gave it to me. I was teachin’ him language and he learned the dwarven word for taking care of someone was ‘Sciever’. He couldn’t pronounce it right with his lil’ baby tongue, Seva was as close as he got.

3.      How old are you now?

58, if you’d believe it.

4.      When were you born?

58 years ago. What do you care more specifically?

5.      Where do you call home now?

Good fuckin’ question. Next.

6.      To what social class do you belong?

Guess I’m poor again.

7.      What is your eye color?

I hear tell they’re blue. Been a while since I was able to check.

8.      What is your hair color?

Blonde? Probably getting whiter day by day.

9.      Do you have any distinguishing facial features?

You’re asking the wrong person.

10.   Do you have any birthmarks? Where are they?

Again, asking the wrong person.

11.   Do you have any scars? How did you get them?

I’ve got a ton. Mostly order stuff. Specifics are foggy.

12.   Do you have any tattoos or other markings? How and why did you get them?

No tats. I don’t see much point, since I don’t get to enjoy you.                                                              

13.   Do you have any allergies, diseases, or other physical weaknesses?

Not any I’d admit to out loud. I guess alcohol is obvious enough.

14.   Are you right or left handed?

Left handed, but more towards ambidexterity.

15.   What does your voice sound like?

Jeez, you’ll ask anything. I don’t know, voices change entirely based on one’s perception, so I sound different to me than I do to you. Sound reverberates in the skull.

16.   How do you dress most of the time?

Whatever’s available.

17.   How do you dress up?

Whatever’s available, but clean.

18.   How do you dress down?

Whatever’s available, but particularly dirty.

19.   What do you wear when you go to sleep?

Whatever’s available, but a little less.

20.   Do you wear any jewelry?

Not anymore.

21.   What words and/or phrases do you use frequently?

I don’t think I’m too predictable like that.

22.   Do you have any quirks, strange mannerisms, annoying habits, or other defining characteristics?

I don’t think I do – again, something you’d have to tell me.

23.   Do you have any bad habits? If so, what are they and how do you plan to get rid of them?

Too damn many to count.

24.   Do you have a lifelong dream or aspiration?

Not anymore, that’s for sure.

25.   Do you own a car (or other form of transportation)? Why or why not? Describe it.

Had unlimited access to transportation a long time ago. Sure don’t anymore.

26.   What is your current state of mind?

What do you think is my current state of mind.

 Part Two: Family

 27.   How close are you to your family?

What goddamn family.

28.   Do you have a spouse or significant other? Describe them.

Had three marriages, none of them stuck.

29.   Have you started your own family? Describe them if you do. If not, do you want to? Why or why not?

Hey. Fuck you.

30.   Who was your Father and what was he like?

Halfling. Quick as a whip and cleverer than a sack of monkeys. We never really got along, hell, I thought he was a pompous asshole, but his death affected me pretty deep, since he was the only blood I had left.

31.   Who was your Mother and what was she like?

She was half dwarf, half halfling, and she was uneducated as shit, and desperately poor to boot. She encouraged me to steal from the time I could walk and gave me to the Order without a second thought for the promise of a sack of gold and a decent education for me.

32.   Who are you closest to in your family?

Fuck you.

33.   Is there someone in your family you wish you were closer to?

There ain’t nobody.

34.   What was your parent’s marriage like?

They never did get married. I’d consider it remarkable that they put up with each other long enough for me to exist.

35.   Do you have any siblings? What are/were they like?

Had them. Never met ‘em.

39. When’s the last time you saw a member of your family? Where are they now?

‘Bout twenty-seven years, and I’ll see ‘em next when I get to the Astral plane, too.

40. Did you meet any other family members? (Aunts Uncles, etc) Describe them.

They’re all fuckin’ dead. Quit this line of questioning.

 Part Three: Friends and Relationships with Others

 41. In general, how do you treat other people that you have just met?

Hold ‘em at arms length. Even reliable people aren’t necesscarily trustworthy.

42. Does your treatment of people change depending on how well you know them and if so how?

I wouldn’t say my treatment changes too much. I guess I go a little less on the tough and more on the love.

43. Who is the most important person in your life and why?

…Don’t got those no more.

44. Who is the person you respect the most and why?

I can’t even respect me anymore. I guess Gaitena, for filling my shoes.

45. Who are your friends? Describe them.

Most of ‘em are dead or changed or gone or whatever. I don’t care to try.

46. Do you have a best friend? Describe them.

I sure don’t. Narlos is gone, or dead.

47. Who would you turn to if you were in desperate need of help?

I’ve got no one. How many times do I have to lay this out for you?

48. Do you trust anyone to protect you? Who and why?

Nope.

49. If you died or went missing, who would miss you?

My guess? Nobody.

50. Who is the person you despise the most, and why?

Fuckin’. Burke. Goes without fucking saying at this point.

51. Do you tend to argue with people or avoid conflict?

I’ll argue. I’ll argue till the goddamn cows come home.

52. Do you tend to take on leadership roles in social situations?

I’m a leader. I don’t know how to follow.

53. Do you like interacting with large groups of people? Why or why not?

I don’t… do that.

54. Do you care what others think of you?

Ain’t no reason to care anymore.

55. What habit do others have that annoys you the most?

Tired of being dismissed for all my flaws.

56. What is the most important quality you look for in a friend?

Don’t have any.

57. What do you most value in your friends?

Got no friends.

 Part Four: Growing Up (Childhood)

 58. Where were you born?

Quema.

59. Where did you grow up?

Quema.

60. How would you describe your childhood in general?

Fuckin’ sucked. Got encouraged to be a thief and pickpocket from the get-go, knew jack shit, understood even less.

61. What is your earliest memory?

Mom sendin’ me out on my lil’ baby legs to go and try to get money.

62. What is your fondest childhood memory?

I guess… Meeting Lorelei. We were both kids at the time, but she was real little, and I was told she’d probably be part of my team one day. So.

63. What is your worst childhood memory?

Probably my first day with the Order. My father had only recently lost his other kids and gotten his ass sterilized in a fight, and he was left with an ugly, uneducated, awkward child who hated him, and it was just me and him.

64. As a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?

I didn’t have much dreams. I just did what was expected of me.

65. As a child, what were your favorite activities?

I liked reading, though I learned late.

66. As a child, what kinds of personality traits did you display?

I was a lot fucking nicer than.

67. As a child, were you popular? Who were your friends, and what were they like?

I was well liked, enough. The other kids thought I was weird because I was born free, and stayed free longer than most..

68. As a child, what was your favorite toy?

I wasn’t really a toys sort. I liked books.

69. As a child, what was your favorite game to play?

I liked puzzles. I wanted to get sharper. It worked.

 Part Five: Growing Up (Teen/Young Adult)

 70. How much schooling have you had?

I got an Order education, and a better one than most, since I absorbed fuckin’ everything. Upshots of being a Braniac.

71. Did you enjoy school?

So goddamn much. I hated when it wasn’t held more than anything else, ‘cause then it was just me and my father.

72. Where did you learn most of your skills and other abilities?

With the Order. Most in the library and schoolhouse, just as much in practical use.

73. While growing up, did you have any role models other than your parents? Describe them.

As if my role models were my fucking parents. Nope – I didn’t have any of those. I wasn’t big on… people.

74. While growing up, how did you get along with the other members of your family?

Like I said – mom sucked when I was with her, dad sucked when I was with him.

75. How old were you when you went on your first date? Describe the date.

The fuck’s a date/

76. What is your favorite memory from your teen years?

Hit a record for being the youngest steel brooch promoted to bronze in the ‘halfling’ category – I was just fourteen. It was nice.

77. What is your worst memory from your teen years?

One time, Dad and I got injured at the same general time. We had to spend fucking weeks in each other’s fucking business. Fuck.

78. When and with whom was your first kiss?

Don’t particularly want to think about this. Fucking hated it.

79. Are you a virgin? If not, when and with whom did you lose your virginity?

I’m not, and it sucked, and I don’t want to talk about this.

80. Describe any influences in your past that led you to do the things you do today.

I was very influenced by the things I read in the archives. Real hero stories, you know? I guess I wanted to emulate that, or write some. I dunno.

 Part Six: Past Influences

 81. What do you consider the most important event of your life so far?

I guess… Well, losing my dad changed pretty much the entire way my life was going. Led me to make a lot of calls I wouldn’t necessarily have done otherwise. Led to a lot of bad things, indirectly.

82. Who has had the most influence on you?

Dad. He was the only Brainiac I ever knew, and I worked off what he taught me. He was good at what he did, even though he was a real prick.

83. What do you consider your greatest achievement? Broke the age record for getting the gold brooch – only 26.

84. What is your greatest regret?

…I couldn’t do anything for Seth.

85. What is the most evil thing you have ever done?

What’s your standard? ‘Cause I’ve done some shit.

86. Do you have a criminal record of any kind?

Hoo, boy, do I.

87. When was the time you were the most frightened?

I was imprisoned. Bad shit happened. Don’t want to think about it.

88. What is the most embarrassing thing that ever happened to you?

I don’t get embarrassing.

89. If you could change one thing from your past, what would it be, and why?

Everything would be better if Seth were alright.

90. What is your best memory?

Guess it had to be the first time I held my boy. He sucked on my pinky with a thirst suited to somethin’ way bigger than a newborn and it was the greatest damn thing that ever happened to me in my damn life.

91. What is your worst memory?

Bein’ delirious in bed and getting the bad news about Seth. I thought I just dreamed it up, but the better I got, the realer it got.

92. When and where were you the happiest?

Between those two things.

 Part Seven: Beliefs and Opinions

 93. Are you optimistic or pessimistic?

Can you blame me for bein’ a pessimist?

94. What is your greatest fear?

Everything I’ve had to fear’s already come true.

95. Have you told any one your fear before?

Why bother?

96. Who would be the one person you’d never tell your fear?

There’s no goddamn one left.

97. What are your religious views?

I used to believe in something. Not anymore.

98. What are your political views?

Don’t really think much on politics anymore.

99. What are your views on sex?

In my experience? It’s bad.

100. Are you able to kill?

I’ve done it a thousand goddamn times.

101. Under what circumstances do you find killing to be acceptable or unacceptable?

If it ends up in a mean conservation of life, or if the lives they threaten are those of good and innocent people, go to fuckin’ town.

102. In your opinion, what is the most evil thing any human being could do?

Take everything someone has ‘till there’s nothing left, then lack the basic decency to kill ‘em afterwards.

103. Do you believe in the existence of soul males and/or true love?

What a load of bullshit.

104. What do you believe makes a successful life?

Ending up happy.

105. How honest are you about your thoughts and feelings? (Meaning do you hide your true self from others and in what way?)

Not.

106. Do you have any biases or prejudices?

I am. Not saying a damn thing about it, though.

107. Is there anything you absolutely refuse to do under any circumstances? Why?

I’m not gonna hurt a kid.

108. Who or what, if anything, would you die for? (or go to extremes for?)

…That’s for me to fucking know.

109. What is your best feature, in your opinion?

I guess I got an alright head on my shoulder.

110. What do you think of drugs and alcohol? Are there any types that people should never do? Why or why not?

I think they should go directly to me.

111. What is your idea of perfect happiness?

At this point, I can’t even imagine it.

112. What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?

Been there, done that, don’t want to talk about it.

 Part Eight: Likes and Dislikes

 113. What is/are your favorite hobbies and pastimes?

Like reading, when I can do that. I guess I like writing.

114. What is your most treasured possession?

My glasses, so I’m only mostly blind.

115. What is your favorite color? Why?

I dunno. Greenish.

116. What is your least favorite color? Why?

I don’t much like red.

117. What is your favorite food? Why?

I like a good spicy food.

118. What is your least favorite food? Why?

I don’t like bitter food.

119. What is your favorite sound? Why?

I like hearin’ a nice soprano sing. Nothin’ in particular specifically.

120. What is your least favorite sound? Why?

The sound of something being dragged across gravel.

121. What is your favorite smell/scent? Why?

I like the smell of opening a spice cabinet.

122. What is your least favorite smell/scent? Why?

Don’t like the smell of mud or blood.

123. What, if anything, do you like to read?

I like to read in general.

124. What is your idea of good entertainment?

Solitude. A good book.

125. How do you spend a typical Saturday night?

Drunk as shit, angry.

126. What makes you laugh?

Irony.

127. What makes you laugh out loud, hysterically?

...Particularly sick irony.

128. What makes you cry?

I don’t got reason for that anymore.

129. What makes you cry, hysterically?

Remembering all the reasons I’ve had.

130. What, if anything, shocks or offends you?

Nothing, anymore. I’ve seen a lot.

131. What would you do if you couldn’t sleep and had to find something to amuse yourself?

Pass out drunk, probably.

132. How do you deal with stress?

I think we’ve all noticed that the answer to that is ‘fucking poorly’.

133. Are you spontaneous or do you always need to have a plan?

Plan it.

134. What are your pet peeves?

When people act in a way I can’t rationalize.

135. Where do you go when you’re angry or depressed?

Dunno.

136. What do you do when you’re bored?

Drink.

137. What type of music do you like? Favorite bands or musicians?

Not so big on non-solo acts.

144. What is your favorite book? Why?

One of the old Order archive books – the archive’s stories about the heroes of old are just fuckin’ breathtaking.

145. What is your least favorite book? Why?

I don’t like books where the hero fucking dies at the end. What’s the fucking point.

149. What annoys you more than anything else?

I can’t dig myself outta the rut I’m in.

150. What time of day is your favorite? Why?

I don’t mind dusk.

151. What time of day is your least favorite? Why?

Fuckin… mornings.

152. What kind of weather is your favorite? Why?

Overcast. I’m from Quema.

153. What kind of weather is your least favorite? Why?

Sunshine. I’m from Quema and have trouble seeing.

154. What is the most beautiful thing you have ever seen?

Can I just opt out of this one.

155. What is the most awful thing you have ever seen?

…Can I opt out of this one for different reasons?

156. What is your favorite drink? Why?

Anything alcoholic.

157. What is your least favorite drink? Why?

I’ve never felt so betrayed as when someone handed me a virgin drink as a form of cutting me off.

158. What is your favorite animal? Why?

Hate animals.

159. What is your least favorite animal? Why?

All of ‘em.

160. What sorts of things embarrass you?

Got nothin’ to be embarrassed about anymore.

 Part Nine: Self Image

 161. Describe a normal day for you.

Wake up. Drink. Fall asleep.

162. How do you feel when your routine is disrupted?

Fuckin’ pissed.

163. What is your greatest strength as a person?

I guess I got experience.

164. What is your greatest weakness?

I’m like, a tenth of the person I was.

165. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

Change my heart to not beating.

166. Are you generally introverted or extroverted?

Introverted.

167. Are you generally organized or messy?

Lapsed organized person.

168. Name three things you consider yourself to be very good at.

Memory, thought, and logic.

169. Name three things you consider yourself to be very bad at.

Keepin’ people I care about alive. That’s three things – keeping people, having people I care about, and keeping people alive.

170. What are your reasons for being an adventurer or heroic? Are your real reasons different than the ones you tell other people in public? If so, detail both reasons.

…Ugh.

171. What three words best describe your personality?

Bad, sad, and mad.

172. What three words would others probably use to describe you?

Bad, sad, and mad.

173. What about you is heroic?

Urrrrrgh.

174. Are you a better lead or follower? Why?

I should probably learn to follow, since it seems like I lead… bad.

175. What is your responsibility to the world? Why?

I owe the world fucking nothing at this point. It owes me.

176. What do you like about yourself?

Not much there to like.

177. What don’t you like about yourself?

Where do I start?

178. What do you find most relaxing? (not stress relief, but something that actually calms you down.)

Putting thoughts on paper.

179. What talent would you most like to have?

Dunno. I’m tired of having talents.

  Part Eleven: Drug & Alcohol

 189. Do you smoke, drink, or use drugs? If yes, why? Do you want to quit?

Yes, you can guess why, and no.

190. How old were you when you had your first drink? Did you like it? Why or why not?

I had my first drink at 20, hated it, drank again at 32 and never stopped.

191. How old were you when you first got drunk? What was the experience like?

32. Less pleasant than being in my head.

192. Do you drink on a regular basis?

Sure do.

193. What kind of alcohol do you prefer?

Any.

194. Have you ever tried any kind of “mood altering” substance? Which ones? Describe the experience.

Yes, many, and I don’t want to tell you about them.

 Part Twelve: Sex & Intimacy

 195. Have you ever been in love? What happened?

Sure haven’t.

196. Have you ever had your heart broken?

Yep.

197. Would you consider yourself straight, gay, bi, or something else? Why?

To align oneself with a solid preference is reductive, all my experiences have been bad so I couldn’t say for certain.

198. Who was the first person you had sex with? When did it happen? Describe the experience.

I was twenty, it was on my first wedding night, it was bad, and I hated it.

199. Have you ever had a same-sex experience? Describe the experience.

I was older, it wasn’t great, and I also hated it.

200. What is your deepest, most well-hidden sexual fantasy? Would you ever try it?

This is the last thing I want to think about.

201. What was the wildest thing you have done, sexually? Describe the experience.

Can we… not?

206. Do you ever want to get married? When do you see this happening?

Been there, done that, it sucks, don’t want to ever do that again.

207. Do you want children? Why or why not?

…

208. What is more important, sex or intimacy? Why?

If that’s your dichotomy, you’re setting yourself up for failure.

 Part Thirteen: Morality

213. Have you ever been in a physical fight before? Over what, with who, and who won?

Tons. I won just enough to be here.

218. Do you think the future is hopeful? Why or why not?

Yeah, I do. I just don’t think I’ll be around for it.

219. Do you think redemption is possible? Why or why not?

Not really, no. Well, depends on the offense. But if it’s something real fucked up? Go fucking die.

221. Is it okay for men to cry?

I don’t see why not.

222. Is it okay for you to cry?

It’s the single most unpleasant feeling in the world, more unpleasant for familiarity.

223. What do you think is wrong with most people, overall?

They don’t bother understanding the people around them.

224. What is the worst thing you could ever do to someone you hated?

See what the worst thing you can do to someone period is.

225. Do you have feelings that disturb you? What and why?

All the fucking time.

226. On what occasions do you lie?

When I need to.

227. Do you think it is okay to lie?

Don’t see anything wrong so long as it’s not hurting anyone.

 Part Fourteen: Supernatural Awareness

 228. Tell the story of how you became what you are or first learned of your own abilities.

Mine was a passive ability, so soon as I was conscious after the ritual. It’s pretty fucking noticeable, to be able to think on like, a hundred trains of thought at once.

 Part Fifteen: Goals and Future

 235. What goal do you most want to accomplish in your lifetime?

Pfft.

236. Where do you see yourself in five years?

Grave, if I’m lucky. Probably in some hole somewhere, dead as a doornail.

237. If you could choose, how would you want to die?

Fast.

238. If you knew you were going to die in 24 hours, name three things you would do in the time you had left.

Make peace with some of the gods who’d understand me more, I guess.

239. What is the one thing for which you would most like to be remembered after your death?

I… don’t. There’s nothing worth remembering.

 Part Sixteen: Misc.

 241. What was the worst injury you’ve ever received? How did it happen?

Wasn’t fast enough. Some manticores are poisonous in both breath and touch. Well, suffice to say it breathed on me and got a paw on me ‘till Elen pulled me out. I was out of commission for months, wouldn’t have survived without the dwarven blood.

242. How ticklish are you? Where are you ticklish?

Don’t even fucking play this game.

243. What would you wish for if you ever found a genie? Go back thirty years. That’s all I want.

244. If your house burned down, what one thing would you want to save?

What house?

249. If you were to die and come back as any person or thing, what or who would you want to be?

Someone inconsequential and normal.

251. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be and why?

Somewhere inconsequential and not a fucking desert.

253. If you could go back to any point in history and change something, what would it be?

Take a goddamn guess.