#my chest feels like a black hole

[as-you-think]

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[avpd-queer]

I feel bad that my former best friend is in a toxic relationship and can’t see it, is throwing away their friends of over a decade for her, but I also can’t stop remembering how, when I shared with them that I had just learned I had been cheated on and gaslighted about it for 6 years, their response was concern about my abuser’s mental health. That conversation didn’t affect their relationship with him in the slightest, they didn’t try to be there for me or show up for me to him, and when I they learned that I was going to get back with that person just a few days later, expecting them to be like, “uh no I don’t think that’s a good idea” (like everyone else had done and like I expected from them, having told them “just don’t let any of your friends date him” when I shared that I was leaving him, thinking they could help me figure out where to sleep and how to adjust), they didn’t protest at all. I was glad to avoid the awkwardness of, “thank you for your concern but I don’t have other options and idk I guess I’m gullible but also I just really want to believe it’ll get better” but also hurt that they didn’t seem concerned for my well-being. Hoping that they just didn’t voice that part because I’m an adult and can make decisions and already know what advice I would give myself. I just had to cling to believing that, and thinking maybe they don’t understand what gaslighting is and that’s why they didn’t seem to care, even as they became less and less my friend and eventually dropped both of us for trying to set a boundary with them about their girlfriend. And the only way they offer for me to be there for them through their relationship is to stuff down all of my needs and feelings, go along with every whim of their girlfriend, and accept that we will never get time with them without her ever again. They kept pretending like everything was okay and they totally understood, when we were face-to-face, and then they’d go home and suddenly we’re horrible and need to apologize to her for…being her friend? Trying to get more time with our best friend? Being honest with our best friend when they ask why we haven’t been able to get closer to their girlfriend? We were trying to be adult and trust in the strength of our friendship, but they fully gave in to their girlfriend’s temper tantrum over her misinterpretation of messages she logged into their discord to read, and they have just fully thrown us away. Ghosted us for pride and haven’t communicated with us in any form since. We had some extra pizza from a canceled event at my partner’s work that I left on their doorstep and had my sister text about, and they responded that they were out of the country, visiting her family. Normally we have two weekly dnd sessions and 1-2 weekly hangout sessions - the first week of dnd was canceled and after that, they just never showed up. This month of nothing is one of the few months we had left before they were going to move to where her family lives in the US, like 10hr drive from here, being fully isolated with her, without a support system, away from the support system they haven’t been away from in like 8 years (when I was in New York - my partner was here during those 2 years, they were roommates).

I’m just so hurt. They meant so much to me, I planned on having them in my life for the rest of it. I knew in the last relationship they were in they let us fall to the side some but she broke up with them and they realized how absorbed they’d been and promised to not let it happen again. Before meeting the current girlfriend, who they immediately got absorbed into. I don’t know what the fuck to do.

[freakoutgirl]

Feeling down on myself

[actual-changeling]

good god my sleep schedule is fucked, 6:30 am and my meds should be kicking in but they're not and i really need to fix this

[tternyna]

[witherbythesword]

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[batsinurbelfrey]

bruh-

[vampirejuno]

Brother I am just so tired

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[cryolyst]

~

[latestageyouth]

what not talking to fp does to a man

[yaminerua]

you ever just

“I won’t forget you, you know…”

“I won’t forget you”

[little-lucky-angel]

.

[keeps-ache]

blaaaauhhhghhgh [melting into a goop] aohhhghghhshabh

[navvigating]

i think the wildest thing about anxiety is i still get anxious to go to my job that ive had for a year and a half. i know itll be fine, works not too bad. but??? im anxious??? why????

[zanygamer25]

vent, nursing school, chronic pain

I can’t lie I’m kind of scared of this next semester of nursing school. (Starts tomorrow) Because for rn reasons all the specialties we’re working with this semester will be specialties that have hurt me as a patient before. OBGYN doctors telling me I’m lying, I’m a drug seeker, I’m making it up, I’m exaggerating. ER doctors telling me they can’t treat my pain, and that I should go to an OBGYN because my pain made no sense to them. Peds doctors ignoring signs of my hormonal problems, my pain, my irregular periods, the sudden weight gain at 15. the fatigue, and anxiety as I grew into a teenager and let it be the problem of my adult doctors with no written history for them to work off of.

every one of the specialities we’re working with this semester has hurt me personally and I’m a little terrified to be working in them right now, because I still have trauma from a surgery consult giving me a Pap smear so rough I couldn’t sit up afterwards and I had a panic attack. I had nightmares about the pain of that appointment for 3 years. I still do if I get reminded of it and I’ve not steeled myself or prepared myself. I used to feel my stomach clench when I was working in the lab sending results to the doctors who mistreated me. I… won’t be able to work alongside them. Maybe I can ask to be moved to a different group if that becomes the case and drive out farther away to a different hospital. But there’s a reason I’m a bit averse to these specialties locally at least. I think about the night in the ER asking over and over in a barely legible voice why they couldn’t find anything, and being so sure I was going to die from the pain alone, that it would damage my brain and my heart would stop because the pain was so bright and intense. It did damage my brain, in a way. I couldn’t participate in a research study about patient abuse in chronic pain because the flashbacks I had talking about it were too painful. I didn’t tell anyone I was participating, I didn’t tell anyone I quit and blocked the organization because I couldn’t speak about it.

I want to be better than the people who treated me, that’s one of the reasons I’m in nursing school but… idk if they talk about drug seeking in folks with no history of it I don’t know if I’ll be able to keep my mouth shut from how angry I still am sometimes.

fuck. I’m crying, I’m scared and I don’t know if I can tell anyone why and have them believe me. Should I talk to the profs? Would they be annoyed I’m disparaging their specialities like so many times I’ve been told I was when I said no one was helping me?