#my anxiety levels are THROUGH THE ROOF i feel TERRIBLE because so many bad things happened today and i couldn't process ANY of it

[knightobreath]

i need to figure out how processing bad things works in the brain so i can hack it and manage it better

[halorocks1214]

ბარტერი (a Thunderbirds fic)

Chapter 2:  უბედურება

AO3 Link

Word Count: 2368

Summary: And here they thought getting their father back was the least of their worries.

Chapter 1 | [YOU ARE HERE]

I BE ALIVE. BARELY. BUT I AM ALIVE. my motivation levels are still dead to hell and back, especially for my other Big Fics atm, but my brain decided to hardwire itself all of a sudden for this one and i was able to squirm something out. no promises for consistent uploads just yet because A.) aforementioned “dead inside” ness and B.) college is starting in two weeks and im Very Excite!!!! hope you enjoy this update regardless!

warnings for VERY UNCOMFORTABLENESS. unconsensual/creepy sexual comments and actions are made and boy were they hard to write (sorry Al). also violence violence violence, but hopefully angery older brother makes up for it

He hated it he hated it he hated it hated it he hated it--

Okay, Alan hated a lot of things about this moment right now, so he should probably be more specific. He hated those men, he hated leaving Gordon, he hated how his lungs were trying to heave themselves out of his chest with the way he was running, he hated how there were so many obstacles in his path that it was slowing him down, he hated how he was effectively alone--

Wait, no he wasn’t, the comms! He never turned them back on! No wonder John always told him not to panic, it made him do stupid stuff like that! Not breaking his stride, Alan pulled up his wrist and tried doing just that, but before he could even squeak, a hand came around to the front of his face, essentially muffling him and holding him in one spot.

Okay now this was just straight awful. Bringing his hands up to try and get the stranger’s singular one off his face, Alan bucked and kicked his legs around like a cornered horse, anything to break free from this terrible grip. Jesus, wasn’t this man the smaller one? And he was still able to pick Alan straight up off the ground?! Just what do these guys eat?

Gross and creepy chuckling filled Alan’s ear, somewhat freezing his attempts at escaping. He was still struggling and twitching, but for some reason, his dumb brain was trying to get him to hear whatever this man was going to say, “Ooh, you’re quite the squirmer, aren’t ya? I suppose that’s not a bad thing with those freckles and all. Quite a few clients dig the young thing. The baby fat’s a nice touch, too.” As if those words could be any worse, the man used his free hand to pinch Alan’s cheek right after he finished talking.

Alan keened. He knew his whining was high pitched to begin with, but the noises that came from his mouth were on some kind of level only dogs could hear. Tears started pouring out of his eyes like molten lava, meanwhile, his incessant kicking started up again. This time, it got somewhat literal and kicked up a few notches. Swivels started being involved, and amidst his panic, Alan found it in his brain to try and aim his feet. Any hit landing would be stellar.

But as the Tracy Family Luck would have it, nothing seemed to be working. It didn’t help that the man’s creepy chuckles just seemed to get louder as more time went on. For a split second, Alan felt the man move about an inch as if he were about to drag Alan away to whatever torturous situation he had dreamed up for the blonde. Alan wasn’t aware hope could die in the blink of an eye like that.

But then they both stopped simultaneously.

The rather loud snapping of a tree branch from a few feet away made both men swivel their heads in the direction of the noise. Alan was shocked by how much he could turn with how his neck was essentially trapped.

Alan felt both relief and anxiety wash over him because that was Virgil coming through the bushes to see what exactly his youngest brother had been getting up to. But that’s also where the anxiety was coming from as well. There were very few ways this was ending, and even less of those endings didn’t involve blood.

“Alright, the two of you have been completely dead on the comms for the past 10 minutes and I don’t know which older person in our family I want to deal with less at the moment. You better have a good expla--”

Virgil looked up from watching his steps to see that it very much wasn’t Gordon with their baby brother. It was a random man, which his in-the-middle-of-a-job brain was going to write off as a person Alan saved while Gordon went off to save others, but then he blinked once. Then twice. Then he had to fight the urge to rub his eyes with fists like a scene from a cartoon because he had to let go and realize that yup, what he was seeing was real.

And he fucking despised it.

Because this random, strange man was holding Alan as if his kid bro were random cargo and not a person. His big, sweaty hand wrapped around Alan’s mouth wouldn’t be as incriminating (and it already was a thousand times) if Alan didn’t have giant, blatant tear tracks running down over them. Meaning the hand was there before Alan started crying. Meaning this man was the cause of his brother’s distress.

Virgil’s pupils shrunk (man, that’s a reoccurring theme tonight), and while Alan was scared before, right now, he was terrified.

The floodgates were opened, and Alan was hoping that the damage the metaphorical water created wouldn’t be anything close to the mess the literal tsunami they were cleaning up caused.

---

Virgil was the least violent person in their family.

That’s not to say his thoughts weren’t. Believe him, if you pissed him off the right way he could come up with some pretty beautiful imagery as a form of therapy, but what made him different is that he channeled that anger into something productive and helpful. He didn’t quietly carry out revenge plots like John or threw punches like Scott.

But right now, any kind of breathing exercise was out the door the minute his brain registered the scene. The way the man was gleaming at his brother like he was freshly cut meat was sickening and Virgil was literally willing to resort to a bloody killing to make it stop. What filled him wasn’t anger, nor was it fiery rage.

No, it was red hot, animalistic fury and God help the person who was able to make Virgil come even close to that.

It must have somehow displayed itself. Maybe it was the way Virgil’s eyes zoned in on the man, maybe it was his fists clenching so hard his fingers might break, maybe it was the way his breathing became ragged and dangerous, maybe it was Virgil’s sheer size alone; whatever it was, it made the man’s giddy look drop off his face at the speed of light into pure, unbridled terror.

Good, now he saw how Alan was feeling.

As soon as Virgil saw the man release his hold on Alan to try and run, the middle Tracy moved.

The man wanted to leave very suddenly, huge money-load or not. Sure, it would be a big loss to let go of such a highly well-known person (one that was so young too), but if it meant he wouldn’t be folded in a way that was akin to an origami project, then the man was willing to drop everything and run. He let go of the target, turned around and took about 2 and a half steps before--

The man yelped as he felt himself be grabbed and aggressively shoved into a tree, head bouncing off of it because of momentum. With a groan, he opened his eyes and cried out in fear. Right in front of him was that other IR member. The giant one with muscles as big as steel and probably has the ability to bench press a small herd of bison. He couldn’t help the trembles that were overtaking him, and he was hoping he would at least be alive long enough to go change into a new pair of pants.

“What,” the IR member growled out, “the hell, do you think you’re doing?”

His sputters were weak and laughable, but maybe they would convince the IR member to take pity, “W-W-What? C’ mon, man, I know it looks bad, and yeah, m-maybe you’re coworkers, but, like, als-so relent a little b-bit. He’s cute, n-no?”

A millisecond of silence. Suddenly, Virgil pushed his arms into the man even more, dangerously close to ‘be careful, he might not be able to breathe’ territory, “You’re sick.”

The man, in all of his panicked glory, felt the blood rush to his head and greatly affect his mouth. He was never good at tact, “H-Hey! Don’t kn-knock it till you t-try it.”

Before Virgil could even start to think, his fist moved and collided directly in the man’s face and nose. He's sparred with Kayo. He knew how to hurt. With a step backward, he watched with satisfaction as the man, who was now out cold, slid uncomfortably down the tree. The sight put a grin on Virgil’s face. It was the least he deserved: a crick in his neck.

Now then, this man clearly couldn’t be left to just wake up and go home. He was a menace, and Virgil would hate himself for leaving such a dangerous thing on the streets. The only problem the Tracy couldn’t figure out was that he wasn’t sure where he would put him on ‘Two. It wasn’t anywhere near his brothers, that’s for sure. As Virgil pulled out some spare rope he managed to just have on him (thank God for small coincidences), his mind gleefully became playful. Yes, the roof of his girl would be a fitting seat for his kind. Right as he finished tying one of the strongest knots he knew, he heard a small, quiet, and scared voice speak up from a few feet away.

“Is he, uh, going to wake up soon?”

Oh fuck. Well, any anger or rage left his body like a gust of wind.

Letting the man’s tied up hands fall from his grasp, Virgil snapped his head up to look directly at Alan as if his younger brother caught Virgil with his hand in the cookie jar. ‘Deer in the headlights’ was a good way of describing Virgil, actually. His eyes were wide and his pupils were small once more, but that was because he was suddenly panicking over what exactly all of this entailed.

Because Alan was as far away as he could be from the man but close enough to be able to see Virgil and what the brother was doing to said stranger. Alan was desperately trying to seem like he was holding it together, but the way he held his arms around himself, and the thin sheen of sweat covering his face, Virgil thought he wasn’t succeeding as much as he wanted. A little bit of color had returned, at least, it looked like that, compared to how Alan was when he was being held by his captor. Not to mention the now-drying tear tracks...

Was that Virgil’s breath that was extremely heavy and labored? You know, maybe he should stop doing that. Taking a deep breath, Virgil stood up one knee at a time and carefully walked over to his younger brother. It broke his heart to see how Alan tensed up, so Virgil slowed his strides and re-thought out his plan for when he got close enough to touch his younger brother.

About a foot away from Alan, Virgil held his hands up like he was coaching a frightened animal, staring into those gigantic baby blue eyes as if this were ten years ago and Virgil was comforting a brother that just had a nightmare, not a brother that was nearly… God, he doesn’t even want to think that thought to himself, “Hey. Are you okay? Are you hurt anywhere?”

Keep it specific, give the shock victim something to focus on. Alan took a moment to register Virgil’s words before taking a deep breath and relaxing ever so slightly, “N-No, he just… startled me. I’ve never…” Alan closed his eyes and shuddered, the awful memory from just minutes ago washing over him like toxic waste.

Virgil’s hesitation was next to none as he stepped forward and practically engulfed his brother in his large frame. If not for Alan, at least for himself, because his own shock was just about kicking in, adrenaline wearing off at the speed of ‘One. Jesus, that was close. Jesus, that was close. If Virgil hadn’t shown up at that moment, just a few seconds later…

After a moment of flinching (that Virgil didn’t notice, thank God), Alan eventually melted into his Virgil’s embrace wholeheartedly. Part of him was still tense, his body still not completely sure that the danger was gone, but boy did that not matter while his older brother was here. Heh, older brothers, Scott was going to freak about this, John probably wouldn’t be much better…

Oh, oh shit-

Virgil couldn’t stop the eyebrow raise, followed by his utter surprise when Alan suddenly shot out of his arms and started waving his own almost like a drowning man would. Virgil was very concerned over why Alan was getting worked up again, but before he could even say ‘what’ in ‘what’s wrong’, Alan practically read his mind.

“Gordon! Virge, oh my God, they have Gor-”

There wasn’t much explanation needed after that.

Except there was a little bit, mainly for Virgil’s sake. Alan’s panic was overtaking a lot of his common sense, and the last thing Virgil was going to let happen was Alan getting near any of these people, not even with 10 feet between them. So with Alan’s promise that he won’t leave Virgil’s side at all, no more than a foot at most, they both hoofed it back to where Alan last saw Gordon.

Virgil was about to put a leash on the kid with how much he was jumping out of his skin, but eventually, they were there, and Virgil regrets his whole just because you left Gordon doesn’t mean he was taken speech he gave to consol Alan, because the spot he led them to had nothing but a semi-ripped up, familiar yellow sash on the ground.

Alan’s grip on Virgil’s arm was better than a tourniquet they’ve ever used. At least Virgil won’t have to worry about him running off anymore.

Lifting his wrist so he could contact everyone else, Virgil could feel the blood drain from his face just like Alan’s.

“International Rescue, we… shit, John, we’ve gotta big problem.”

[clansayeed]

Bound by Destiny II, part 1 ― Chapter 6: The Amulet

PAIRING: Kamilah Sayeed x MC (Nadya Al Jamil) RATING: Mature

⥼ MASTERLIST ⥽

⥼ Bound by Destiny II, part 1 ⥽

While struggling with nightmares of lives she’s never lived, a shadow from the past looming over her city, and the proposed idea that her life may just be a little bit too weird to handle alone, Nadya makes sure to tell herself that everything is perfect just the way it is. If only. When the self-proclaimed King of Vampires (and Maker of her sometimes-girlfriend and always-boss, can’t forget that little tidbit) Gaius Augustine returns intent on claiming Manhattan as the throne that was promised, she and her friends find themselves forced into the task of saving the world. But with millennia-old vampires and an Order of hunters on their heels as well as allies hiding catastrophic secrets at their backs… it won’t be an easy task. Too bad destiny didn’t exactly ask for her input.

Bound by Destiny II and the rest of the Oblivion Bound series is an ongoing dramatic retelling project of the Bloodbound series and spin-off, Nightbound. Find out more [HERE].

*Let me know if you would like to be added to the Destiny II tag list!

⥼ Chapter Summary ⥽

The hunt is on for the Amulet of Nero. But in the wake of discovering Gaius has been freed, Kamilah is forced to voice her fears while Adrian reveals a few secrets of his own. Maricruz kinda-sorta saves the day.

WARNING: this chapter contains brief explicit sexual content

[READ IT ON AO3]

“Our betrayal of Gaius was more than an uprising; more than a simple desire to shift the balances of power. It took an extraordinary amount of conviction and the strength to resist everything that made us who we are.

“A vampire’s Maker is their lodestone, and together they are symbiotic in nature. We loved him — I see no point in denying it now that the ties that bind have been severed, and for so long. We loved him, so much that the year following our betrayal very nearly killed us in our unwanted grief.

“If you know of the feeling I speak, then I am truly sorry for your suffering. If you do not — consider yourself lucky in that you will only need to die the once. That’s what it felt like; dying. But for the sake of this I ask that you remember your moment of greatest and most profound grief. And multiply it by the number of stars in the sky.”

“Why?”

“Because I want you to understand me when I tell you that our devotion to Gaius was infinitesimal compared to how he felt about his Maker; the First Vampire — Rheya.”

Once Nadya managed to reclaim the memory that Jameson had stolen (she still doesn’t know how, please don’t ask her — eventually they’re going to ask her and what’s a profound way to say ‘IDK’ worthy of the title Bloodkeeper) it all started to come back to her in cinema-quality high definition.

But there are still parts of her dinner party from hell that feel more like parts of a dream than something that really happened. Isseya’s makeover montage was one, their startling attention to her dietary needs and wants was most certainly another.

Until she’s left with only one thing that still feels… not-quite. Not-quite real, not-quite imagined. Different than the memories but no… no it happened. Didn’t it?

“And I know that everything you do—all the killing, Turning, plotting and kingdoms and thrones… it’s all for her. Your Maker… Rheya.”

Even now, long after Adrian and Lily and Jax have gone from the penthouse with tales of goddesses and betrayals swirling around in their heads, Nadya feels… she feels like she correctly guessed an answer on a multiple choice test. Except instead of four choices there’s about a billion and the one she picked wasn’t even one of the options.

There’s a soft knock on the door but Kamilah doesn’t wait for permission to enter. It’s her place, after all. There’s something strangely comforting about the act; the normalcy of it. Like none of this has happened and they’re still a year backwards trying to understand the oddities of one another.

That was some real prime-time sitcom material right there.

But if things were normal Kamilah wouldn’t be hovering in the doorway with an uncharacteristic uncertainty.

“What’s up,” Nadya sits upright so fast her head goes a bit fuzzy but immediate panic is a valid reaction in these troubled times, “is everything okay? Oh god — is he here?”

The woman quirks a perfect brow before realizing the terrifying evil villain mastermind of which she speaks. “No, Nadya. And if he were… I would not let him take you.”

In a world of unbelievable things, Nadya has no trouble believing Kamilah means that.

And she feels Kamilah’s eyes on her for a long moment before they speak again.

“Why are you in here?”

That’s a good question. Especially since habit started dragging her tired feet to Kamilah’s bedroom after Lily’s sixth one-last-hug. No, Nadya had changed her course somewhere in the middle of the hall and… now she’s here.

“I guess… I wanted to give you some space.”

Kamilah manages to make even incredulity look graceful. “What do you possibly mean by that?”

Stop asking questions I don’t have answers to. “Well… you’re still mad at me.”

“I believe I’m due a fair bit more credit than that.”

“That wasn’t a question, Kamilah.” Not when she can feel it. Not when it stings against her skin like ice.

Kamilah tilts her head to the side slightly. “I did not assume it was. But I would like to think my feelings have more depth and complexity than something as simple as ‘anger,’ especially when it comes to you.”

And Nadya’s pretty sure there’s an unspoken confession there; the closest they’ve ever come to that kind of thing. It makes the hairs on the back of her neck stand alert — a different kind of fear.

Fear at having something. And fear of losing it.

“I can be frustrated at your recklessness and still desire your company,” she continues; reaches out a hand that Nadya doesn’t even hesitate to take. Not now, not ever probably.

With no resistance at all Kamilah leads Nadya to the other end of the penthouse; to the bedroom that’s still Kamilah’s in name but, not unlike every other space up here, Nadya has come to think of as hers, too. Theirs, even.

What a doozy of a thought.

She’s led across the bedroom to the closet; each step Kamilah takes is sure and certain and Nadya trusts her for it. Trusts her when familiar fingers run over her skin like silk and start to undress her.

Her shirt is tugged over her head. At her back Nadya feels Kamilah’s lips press like a whisper against her bare shoulder. “May I admit a terrible secret to you, Nadya?”

She wants to turn, to take every sharp edge of the woman in both palms and smooth them out until neither of them are hurting.

“You can tell me anything. You know that.”

Another kiss to her throat, to her cheek, to her temple.

“Strange of you to say it aloud… stranger still that I cannot find myself in disagreement.”

“Kamilah…”

And she realizes shortly after why the vampire has them pressed together but keeps herself almost dutifully out of Nadya’s sight. Really all she had to do was take off Nadya’s glasses, but the tension is too thick even for her particular brand of humor to cut through.

“I was afraid.”

It’s an admission that rocks Nadya to her core — and definitely makes the arms wrapped slender around her waist to undo the button of her jeans a tad less sexy.

What is she supposed to say to that?

Thankfully Kamilah doesn’t give her the chance to actually give it a thought. Or worse — say the wrong thing on impulse. “And fear… fear is not a complex emotion; not for me. You cannot find a depth in something you have not felt in… in many years.”

Her hands rest a chilly weight on Nadya’s hips. She covers them with her own slowly, gently — then all at once.

“You were afraid when Adrian was in danger.”

Like she’s trying to rationalize the most irrational emotion there is.

“I was, yes,” — there’s a quick inhale in Nadya’s ear — “but I think we both know that was a different kind of fear.”

Do we? “O—Oh.”

Nadya turns in the woman’s arms — she gives Kamilah ample time to force her back but she just doesn’t. Reminds Nadya of the statue of the woman who looked like Kamilah back on the roof over their very heads months ago.

She cups Kamilah’s cheek and feels the warmth leeched from her body. Good, she thinks, take that and more — take everything I can offer.

“I…” —was scared too, terrified, tragically terrified— “I kept hoping you’d… you’d come for me.”

“Nothing of this earth would have stopped me.”

“But —”

“But he is not of this earth. Not in a way that would have allowed me to keep you safe.”

Nadya knows that — really she does. She’s not bitter or mad or anything like it. It’s just that if she doesn’t get it out she might actually explode from how it makes her feel.

“I will not fail you again.”

“You didn’t fail me, Kamilah.”

“It is a miracle that you were returned. That you were not…”

And someone get out a camera, tape recorder, something; because words like these don’t come from a person with Nadya’s levels of anxiety often—

“But I was. Don’t think about what didn’t happen. I’m here, Kamilah. I’m right here.”

I’m right here. I’ve got you.

Three words — three words more. Words that have followed them through practically everything and that means more than either of them could express. Nadya’s a small person with a big heart and Kamilah… she’s kept her own heart locked away for so long sometimes Nadya worries she thinks she’s lost the key.

She hasn’t. God, she hasn’t.

“I’m right here,” she repeats; feels her voice catch and cling to the words like barbed wire, “I’m right here, okay?”

Hands tighten on her hips and Nadya closes her eyes before the dizziness overtakes her. The world tugged out from under her feet and the firm resistance of Kamilah’s mattress on her back and the solid form of the woman on top of her; knees on either side of her pinning her down, prone; exposed.

Vulnerable in a way she is always vulnerable to Kamilah. In a way that completely brushes aside her mortality and digs deeper into her until she’s Nadya; no last name, no history, no life outside of right here right now.

Kamilah takes her lips; takes her words, her very breath. She takes everything Nadya is willing to give.

And, as seconds tick by like hours — like eternities — as Kamilah tugs away layers and inhibitions and defies the definition of impossible to expose her all the more, she takes not only everything but maybe just a little bit more.

“Kam—il—”

She gasps, mouth slack and syllables far beyond her now. Can’t focus on anything more than the timeless struggle between not wanting to hurt Kamilah and not wanting to let go of the dark brown waves she knots in her fingers with every deft movement of her skilled tongue.

“I rather enjoy you this way,” Kamilah had said; exactly five minutes and twenty-two seconds after the first time and with every word curled in her smirking lips shiny with slick, “the woman never without something to say rendered speechless.”

And Nadya had denied that (it had taken her… a while to muster the energy to do so, but she did); insisted she didn’t always have something to say. Which kind of proved Kamilah’s point.

So this time around, when she feels the long swipe of Kamilah’s tongue; feels her lips close around her clit hungry and indulgent, Nadya promises not to deny it one single bit.

Nadya returns from the lunch cart downstairs with their sandwich boxes in hand. “Trade?”

“Trade,” replies Adrian. He barely looks up from his report while she switches their folders and leaves his turkey-no-mustard on top.

She settles back in on his office couch — heels toed off and stocking-clad feet tucked under her skirt. In order to make sure she doesn’t associate the spot permanently with bad memories Nadya’s all but forced herself into his space. All she needs is her phone charger close at hand and it’ll be her own little nest.

Thankfully, Adrian doesn’t mind.

“Hey,” she thumbs through the pages held together with a well-worn clip, “I’m missing one.”

“Mmm.”

“Adrian.”

“Yes, thank you.”

If they were any ordinary secretary and boss, it isn’t unreasonable to assume she would get fired for hurling her pink highlighter at his head with all her might. But they aren’t ordinary, Adrian isn’t ordinary — he catches it without so much as a twitching muscle but it’s enough to jostle him from his stupor.

He looks down at the marker as if he has no idea where it came from.

“Oh, Nadya,” he blinks in surprise, “when did you get back?”

“Just a second ago. I’m missing a page.”

“Of what?”

She holds up the folder with a duh sort of look on her face; Adrian quickly ruffles around the sea of papers in front of him before he plucks the right sheet out and delivers it in apology.

Nadya takes it because there’s no way she’s wasting time. But that doesn’t mean she doesn’t grab his arm before he can leave.

“You okay?”

He chuckles dryly. “I should be asking you that.”

“I’m not the one acting like a zombie.”

The look Adrian gives her is an admonishing one but Nadya isn’t exactly taking it back. “My apologies.” He’s forgiven, of course, but she shoos him back to his desk anyway.

Nadya slides the printed photocopy in with the rest and starts at the page he had left off on… two paragraphs down on page one. Awesome.

Okay, maybe she’s allowed a teeny little break to eat half of her sandwich.

But the silent chewing is just too uncomfortable.

“Wanna talk about what’s on your mind?” Nadya asks; because there’s no harm in trying even if she already knows the answer.

And he doesn’t disappoint. “No, thank you.”

It’s an unintended positive that Adrian jumps back to work to avoid being asked to talk for a second time. He takes the R&D file out from under his sandwich with renewed interest — he even appropriates her highlighter for added effect.

Nadya has stopped lying to herself. Everything is not okay, not by a long shot. There’s an evil madman who once called himself King of the Vampires running around New York (at the least, and she really doesn’t want to think about where else he could have gotten to by now) — there is absolutely no universe in which that is okay.

They just have to hope they find this Amulet of Nero before he does. Not that karma is making it easy on them. Things would go a lot faster if Nadya could remember the specific vampire-memory Jameson had taken from her but no amount of Kamilah-led meditation, Adrian-supervised brain scans, or Lily-brewed “magic tea” has done the trick so far… so she’s kind of given up on that front.

“Here’s something,” she says what feels like five hours later — a quick look at the clock is (for the first time) surprisingly accurate at four and a half, “the article says here there was an issue in 1875 where the British Museum, who claimed to have the Amulet on display, was actually showing a forgery.

“Apparently they had the real deal but the day before the exhibit was set to open to the public it was stolen. They covered it up to protect the museum’s reputation.”

It’s the first real smile Nadya’s seen from Adrian all week. “That’s really good, Nadya. Add it to the timeline?”

“All over it.” She scribbles ‘London, 1875’ onto a sticky note and hops up and over to the far office wall to add it to the rest of their research. All the way from ‘Rome, 64 AD’ to the newest addition of London.

She’d be able to have a much more comprehensive collection of information and formulated theories if Adrian let her bring up one of the giant display whiteboards from the conference rooms downstairs, but she just has to make due with what she’s got.

Nadya takes a step back to take their combined work in fully. Somehow the high of finding a clue or a decent lead never really lasts. Somehow she’s always reminded of the fact that Gaius is probably ten steps ahead and counting.

“Hey, Adrian?”

He looks up from their other project — the actual work that has to be done at their actual place of business — because he’s a quick study. That or he really doesn’t want to be catching highlighters all night.

Nadya looks back to him and can’t help the worry she lets slip through the cracks.

“Do you think the Amulet really has the blood of the First Vampire inside of it?”

Because she hadn’t, not at first. But Kamilah isn’t the kind of person to make jokes on a good day and doubtful she’d start now. Gaius’ most treasured possession, hidden away so well even the owner himself couldn’t find it.

Not the Amulet itself but what it held. A giant, gaudy antique locket — and inside; a vial of blood that Gaius had told Kamilah belonged to his Maker; the First Vampire. Something he had intended to keep with the hopes of one day finding a way to resurrect her, Kamilah had said.

“Could that be such a bad thing?” Jax had asked. “Maybe she’d put him in his place.”

Kamilah didn’t agree though. “Doubtful — for two thousand years I followed Gaius’ every move and enacted his every plan. Always, he said, in Rheya’s name. If his every atrocity was done on her behalf I don’t think anything good could come of bringing her unto this world again.”

Adrian leans back in his chair and it creaks with the effort. “Honestly… I don’t know. I wish I could give you a more concrete answer, but…”

“No, no I—I know.”

“Regardless of what you or I believe, though, Gaius knows there’s something powerful inside of it. Something worth… worth putting you through months of agony for.”

Nadya has a feeling there’s more to what he wants to say but, like every time Adrian even tries to start talking about his Maker or what Jameson had done to her, he gets lost in his thoughts and it goes unspoken.

And, like every time, the inevitable apologies are the next thing he says instead.

“I can’t begin to tell you how sorry —”

“You have nothing to be sorry for,” interrupts Nadya; a little more clipped than she’d like, “how many times do I have to tell you?”

But she may as well be talking to a brick wall with ‘ADRIAN’ written on it in chalk.

“I do though, don’t you get it?”

“Obviously I don’t.”

“It was my decision to punish Gaius instead of kill him. Lester, Priya, hell even Vega wanted him killed for real. They thought even the smallest chance of him escaping could spell the end of us all. If I had chosen not to try and teach him a lesson…”

Nadya can’t really believe what she’s hearing. “You showed him mercy, Adrian.”

“Yeah,” he scoffs, “I showed mercy to a merciless tyrant.”

“You showed that you were the better man.”

“I showed weakness.”

“No,” nope, no way she’s doing this nu-uh, “being merciful is not weakness. Who the heck am I even talking to right now?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Well it can’t be Adrian Raines! It sure doesn’t sound like him.” In fact, it sounds like…

Nadya refuses to let her thoughts get that dark, though.

“This isn’t a matter of opinion.” Adrian stands — suddenly he can’t look Nadya in the eye so he goes to the next best distraction. Even with his hands in his pockets though Nadya can see in his reflection of the window glass that they’re balled up into fists. His teeth are grit and she prays—actually prays—that the red she sees in his eyes is just some jet lights passing by.

“If I had been strong enough to kill Gaius the first time, if I had understood that he was beyond lessons and punishment, none of this would be happening. You would be able to come into your Bloodkeeper powers as you needed to — without the pain of being forced into it. You wouldn’t have been kidnapped. Hell—even Vega wouldn’t have had a reason to accuse me of trying to grab for his power. And Lily wouldn’t have —”

He cuts himself off but the damage is done.

“Lily?”

Adrian only looks guiltier when he turns away from the window like the bookcase holds all the answers to life and the universe. Anything so Nadya doesn’t have to see his face. But she wants to. Now more than ever.

“Finish what you were going to say, Adrian,” she has no idea how that sentence even ends but there’s an anger bubbling up inside her, unbidden; unrestrained, “‘Lily wouldn’t have’ what?”

All the frustration and tension leaves Adrian in an exhale; shoulders slumped and he lets his head hang with the weight of the world. He looks more like a man heading to a guillotine. Maybe whatever he has to say is just as awful.

He looks at Nadya with grief, pity — something close. “I was going to tell you.”

Adrian steps forward. Nadya steps back.

“Tell me what?”

“I only put the pieces together a few days ago — after we learned Gaius was still alive.”

“I asked about Lily, not Gaius.” Because those two names shouldn’t be in the same sentence. Not without words like ‘kicked’ and ‘butt’ between them and all of it in Lily’s favor.

“Nadya…”

“Oh my god — will you just stop stalling?!”

“I’m not —” he pinches the bridge of his nose, “— I thought I was being paranoid at the time. It didn’t add up, we didn’t know Jameson was working with him, Gaius was still locked in the sarcophagus; so I brushed it all aside.”

Nadya presses herself against the wall. A couple of the notes come loose and flutter to the carpet at her shoeless feet. She’s demanded him to finish talking but he hadn’t and now she wants him to shut up — she’ll do anything for him to shut up.

Because words aren’t just words anymore. Stories, thoughts, recollections — they’re all memories when it comes to them; when it comes to her. And it’s coming to her and Nadya doesn’t want to know, doesn’t want to see.

“We know now he’s been playing the long game,” Adrian continues — and Nadya hates him for it, “maybe longer than even we know. And when you put it together it… it makes sense.”

“No—no it doesn’t,” it, like what happened to Lily was as common as anything, “it doesn’t, Adrian. Because Lily was attacked by Vega, or one of Vega’s people. That’s what we decided, remember? Because it made sense. Because he wanted to use me to get to you; to have another case against you for Turning someone without permission. That’s what we all agreed had happened.”

But they still didn’t know; not with any certainty. And when everything had finally cooled off and one half of the Council wasn’t actively trying to murder the other, Adrian and Kamilah offered to help find the real culprit. Lily had said no.

It happened, it’s done — she’s moving on because nothing would change whether she knew or didn’t.

It happened Adrian, Nadya screams in her mind, with her eyes, it’s done, remember? It’s done!

If only he was a mind reader.

“Turning can be a trauma. But Lily — she didn’t remember anything. It was too convenient. It was as though…”

“… the memory had been taken from her.”

“Yes. Just like he took the memory of the Amulet from you.”

I don’t want to see this. Please don’t make me see this. And she hates them — hates them all. She hates Adrian for keeping this from her. She hates Jameson for doing this to her. She hates Gaius for being the wizard behind the curtain.

Please don’t make me see this.

The memory may have been taken from Lily but it’s not Lily she’s remembering. It’s not Lily that Nadya sees when her head turns and gazes at her reflection in the mirror on their apartment wall. It’s Jameson who raises Nadya’s hand and pushes up his spectacles and stalks deeper inside to Lily digging around in the medicine cabinet for… for something.

Jameson who smiles his unnervingly calm smile and descends his fangs. Jameson who attacks her neck savage and monstrous and drags her body to the living room for Nadya—the Nadya from before, the one who isn’t scarred by the sight of this just yet—to discover. Who puts two fingers on Lily’s sweating temples as she bleeds out gasping and desperate below him and takes the memory of it all away.

“Ohmygod—”

A gut-wrenching sob rips itself from Nadya’s throat; brings her back into her own body and out of the memory of her best friend being murdered because of her. Not a guess, not a decision based on the most logical answers — but a real, hard truth she has no choice but to face.

Lily was killed because Gaius willed it. Because Jameson never does anything without Gaius willing it. And he had sat there beside them in the Council Chamber, looked at Lily and he’d known.

Somewhere in the middle of all of these terrible facts Nadya has fallen to her knees. Hell if she remembers when. But the office carpet burns and Adrian’s suit probably isn’t made for this kind of position but he’s there, he’s holding her close keeping Nadya’s hands pinned at her sides resting his chin at the crown of her head while she sobs until there’s no air left in her lungs to manage it.

“H-How dd-id… how…”

“Sssh,” Adrian tries to calm her, “I knew it couldn’t have been one of the Clanless because of her girlfriend. There was… a trace of a scent, but I couldn’t follow up. I couldn’t risk wasting the little time she had. It was gone, replaced by Vega and Kamilah by the time I was able to get back there to check.

“That’s why I believed it was him, Nadya. But it just seemed so… you don’t know how terrible it was to watch you grieve like that. All the pain and suffering you went through, the uncertainty of whether or not Lily would survive the Turning… it was evil.

“It was something Gaius would have done. A way to torture you. Only I didn’t realize he used Jameson to do it.”

He doesn’t need to explain it now — Nadya knows; she’s seen. And she can’t even hold herself up from the pain of it but when she can stand again…

“I’m gonna kill him.”

Adrian tenses around her. “What? No, Nadya, you’re not.”

“Yes—yes I am.” She pulls away to look him in the eyes. “I’m gonna kill Jameson. For attacking Lily and leaving her to die, and for being the reason I had to… that I just…”

“I’m sorry, I am. But you know none of us will let you do something so stupid.”

“Just you wait,” she sniffles; tries to maintain the integrity of her makeup as much as possible while wiping her eyes but that’s pretty much a lost cause, “no one’s seen how stupid I can get.”

“This isn’t you. You’re not like this.”

“Tell that to the Baron’s henchman I killed.” Nadya doesn’t even know why she brings it up; didn’t even know it was something she still thought about. But is she wrong?

“In self defense; in my defense.”

“Yeah… maybe.”

He’s smart and doesn’t try to stop her when Nadya pulls away. She gathers the fallen notes and her composure with them before setting about putting them back in their right order.

Adrian stands and dusts off the knees of his suit. “Nadya…?” he asks, hesitant, but she shrugs off the hand he puts on her shoulder.

Adrian isn’t gonna let this go though, is he? Still standing at her back. Like he wasn’t trying to distance himself before.

Fine. Nadya sniffles; tries to cut the thick wetness from her voice. “How long were you going to keep it a secret? If not from me, then from Lil’?”

“Until I could find some sort of proof — or make him confess.”

“No. No more secrets. Not from me or from anyone; even you.”

Adrian nods. Yeah, he’d better. “Do you want to go now?”

“We need to find the Amulet.” Find the Amulet, find Gaius. Find Gaius, find Jameson. “Let’s just… get back to work.”

He watches and waits while Nadya settles back into her little nook on his couch. The sight is a relief, and only when she’s back with a cap in her mouth and a folder in hand does he head back to his desk.

“Yeah, yeah. Yup. Mmmhm. Thanks Am’, you’re a godsend. Oh — you know what I mean!”

The day Nadya learned that Maricruz kept a flip phone for her burner because she was really into the satisfying way you could snap the phone shut was the day a lot of things the former smuggler does started to make sense.

Against the very vocal protests of the springs Maricruz hops up on the couch and swings a leg over Lily’s head to sit perched on the back of it higher than the rest of them. She pulls Lily back close and starts tap-tapping her head like a drum in her victory. Times like this — Nadya can’t help but watch them with a little smile. Lily deserves it; that silliness, that fun in her life. Just as much as she deserves someone who can help her navigate the pitfalls of vampirism with some experience under their belt.

“Hey, hon?” Lily asks without looking up from her laptop screen.

“Hmm, mi amor?”

“Why are you playing my head like a bongo?”

“Because your head is a bongo.”

Nadya rolls her eyes with a little laugh. “Because that makes sense.”

Maricruz shrugs and doesn’t let them deter her playing.

“Okay, well are my bongos suddenly justified if I say I know where and when this dumbass Amulet was last seen?”

Lily and Nadya lock eyes from across the apartment. In a beat Nadya leaps into her armchair and Lily snaps her head around so fast there’s a few cracks in her neck. Nadya’s learned to stop questioning some weird vampire things. Most of them to do with the gag-inducing adorableness of the pair.

Lily makes a drum set of her own with her girlfriend’s knees. “Don’t keep us in suspense babe!”

“Yeah babe,” Nadya chimes in with a laugh, “plus I don’t think my little human heart can take any more suspense for the week.”

“Langdon Kavinsky.”

Crickets. No, really — the landlord refuses to do anything about the crickets.

“Gesundheit?” is about all Nadya’s got. Thankfully Lily already has her laptop dragged forward and is hammering away at the keys.

Maricruz rolls her eyes. “Funny. No, Langdon Kavinsky is the name my contact finally dug up; the name of the dick who definitely was one of the last guys to own the Amulet of Zero.”

“Nero.”

“I know what I said.”

Lily turns her screen so Nadya can see her search. “So looks like Kavinsky’s some rich white dude out in the Southwest. Says here he’s famous in certain auction circles for the lengths he’ll go to own the rarest and spookiest stuff.”

Taking in the mustache, the bolo tie, and the fact his hair looks like it was smoothed back with the grease from his smile? Nadya has no trouble imagining this. “I never trusted a man in a cowboy hat. Still don’t.”

Lily knocks Maricruz’s knee with her shoulder. “Did you get a date?”

“Ambrose isn’t exactly my type, chica.”

“I meant a date of sale and you know it. If I go blindly digging into the financial records of a guy with that many commas in his account I might not come out alive.”

Nadya and Maricruz stare at her. Lily just shrugs. “I’m an acquired humor.”

“All I got was two years ago, sorry.”

“It’s better than nothing.” Lily’s glasses almost fall off as she tilts her head all the way back to give the woman an upside-down smile. “But it means I gotta go get a few safety measures. Be right back.”

She’s gone in a flash, and Nadya doesn’t need vampire hearing to catch the sounds of rummaging computer parts among the general collected stash of miscellany she calls a bedroom.

Though… it’s not often Nadya and Maricruz are left alone together without the Lily-shaped buffer between them. Not that they don’t get along — Nadya just really doesn’t like thinking of the last time they were alone together. The Shrike and the Baron. The Cellar. Walking into this very room and seeing Lily—

“So, Lily told me.”

Nadya’s glad to be taken out of those particular thoughts… but the alternative isn’t exactly sunshine and rainbows either.

She looks over to Maricruz who taps her boot on the arm of the couch in an unheard tune. She’s prone to movement like that a lot. Never without a beat to groove to, Lily calls it.

Judging by the level look in the vampire’s brown eyes, Nadya doesn’t have to guess. It makes sense Lily would share the big mystery behind her immortal curtain.

“Oh,” she says; because… what else is she supposed to say?

Maricruz nods; clicks her tongue for a long moment and the beat of her boot definitely falters somewhere in the middle.

“Is there something you… wanted to know?”

“Well since you bring it up, yeah.” She pounces on the opportunity; startles Nadya just a tad but when she recovers it dawns on her that she’s never seen Maricruz this antsy.

Not since that night.

“I’m not gonna fucking turn her,” hours earlier she’d seen the woman impale a henchman twice her size on a pool cue like it was nothing but Nadya hadn’t been scared of her until that moment, “and if you ask again I’m out.”

So Nadya hadn’t asked — she’d risked everything, made Adrian risk everything. But Maricruz had stayed. That was the one thing that never really made sense.

“Lily kinda gave me the ‘too long; didn’t read’ version of your whole… deal. The Blooddreamer thing.”

“Bloodkeeper,” Nadya corrects, not that it matters.

“Right, yeah, that. I’m sorry you had to see it.”

Which has her swallowing on her heart dry in her throat. “Me too.”

“So then does that mean you can, like, see everything about us? Through our whole lives up to now?”

It’s not a question asked lightly. Maricruz is uncertain and probably for good reason. Nadya is uncertain, too. She thinks to the journal she has hidden at the bottom of her bag (the first thing she’d checked for after realizing she was no longer under Gaius’ boot; honestly she was surprised it was still there) and wishes not for the first time that she could give someone—anyone—the ‘definite’ answer they’re looking for.

“I don’t know. Not — not before anyone was Turned, I think.”

“Can you pick whose memories you see, though?”

“No.”

“But Lily —”

And Nadya shuts that down real fast; “If I could have picked whether or not to see my best friend’s murder I think I would have opted out.”

Immediately Maricruz turns away — she knows she’s crossed a boundary. “No — no of course.”

“Why don’t you just ask me what you want to ask me, Mari?”

Lily still breathes because she’s spent more time alive doing it than not. Adrian and Kamilah still breathe because they have lives and stakes in the human world; and because Adrian enjoys it on some level.

But Maricruz is always so still. Like the day she realized she no longer needed to hold her breath was a relief she never knew she needed.

Nadya watches, silent except for her breathing (which she actually needs to do) and swears its just the lights from the apartment building across the street that make it look like Maricruz goes through a century of anguish in the seconds that pass.

Even though she knows better by now.

“She makes me a better person, you know?” The vampire finally says; and Nadya does know — she really does. “When we met — when she still thought I was human — I think that was the first time I’d really laughed in years. Hell—Matsuo was so confused when I showed up back at the Den that morning. I think he was a little scared to be honest.”

Nadya can imagine it; imagine but not remember it for herself thank god, and it makes her smile. “I bet.”

“There’s just this—this energy Lily has. You see it, you feel it too. More than optimism, its…”

“Lilyism?”

A very-much made up word that has them both in soft laughter. “Yeah,” Maricruz agrees, “‘Lilyism.’ I like that.

“When you’re new to all this, when your Turning is violent and scary, it’s so easy to go Feral. To lose all that spark you had in life. And I’ve been around since the Clans started. Raines — he was the most trustworthy of the lot but that wasn’t saying much in my book. He played by the rules but he was the only one doing it. If the Council fucked Lily over…”

She doesn’t have to say it. Nadya knows. Thankfully — thanks to Maricruz herself, actually — that’s not something she ever felt like she needed to worry about.

“You wanted to make sure she didn’t lose all the things that made her Lily.”

“Yeah. She made me a better person in just that short while we knew each other. Returning the favor was the least I could do.”

There’s a thunk from the direction of the bedrooms and they both stop; silent. Nadya knows its irrational, it’s not like they’re discussing something secret. But it’s a private moment — for the both of them.

And it won’t last much longer. “Look, Nadya,” she clenches her fists on top of her jeans frayed and worn at the knees, “what I’m tryin’ to say is this; if the time ever comes and you end up seeing the me I was before I met Lily, I just gotta ask you not to judge me for it. I’m not that woman anymore. I’ve done some stuff I’m not proud of and I’ll tell Lily eventually. I will. But…”

“But you deserve the chance to tell her in your own time and in your own way.”

“Yeah. That’s it exactly.”

They meet eyes across the suddenly vast apartment living room. Whatever Maricruz was expecting has her hesitant — but Nadya couldn’t be more understanding.

Hesitancy melts into visible relief. And Maricruz definitely would have thanked Nadya; she knows that much at least. If it wasn’t for the fact that the spell of their moment is broken by Lily bounding in at a surprisingly human speed and with arms filled with computer parts; the very least of which looks like it includes a tower, two monitors, and what looks like a DJ’s digital board.

“Cariña,” and even Maricruz looks intimidated by the amount of it all, “this is ‘a few?’”

Lily doesn’t even bother with fake remorse. They both know her better than that — and she knows it. “Better safe than sorry?”

It’s so Lily; a Lilyism by textbook definition. Nadya and Maricruz exchange looks over her technological dragon’s hoard and share that exact thought at the exact same time — and burst into laughter.

[monicalorandavis]

Let’s all quit fucking around and give Renee her Oscar for ‘Judy’ now

I am several months late to the ‘Judy’ party. But due to a trip getting cancelled last minute I’m having a staycation instead of a vacation. (Tomato, tomahto!) Needless to say, I’ve got time on my side and I’m watching movies, baby. Time for Judy Garland, baby. Because that’s showbiz, baby!!!

I regret even joking about the razzle dazzle of show business because for Judy Garland show business, the very business she adored, also destroyed her. And that whole journey through the dark, twisted roller coaster of entertainment is sort of the thesis statement of this whole thing.

“The biz” was a cruel bitch to the greatest entertainer of all time. Her nic-name was Miss Show Business for crying out loud and yet when we meet Zellweger, playing the title character in ‘Judy’, she’s in the final year of her life, struggling to keep a roof over her children’s heads. She’s gaunt, exhausted, addicted to pills, alcohol and can’t manage to meet a decent man to save her life.

And instead of nitpicking every wrong choice that led her there, director Rupert Goold allows us into the plodding sojourn that was Judy Garland’s final tour in England. She’d lost custody of her children to ex-husband no. 3 and finally went across the pond where her fans were still willing to pay top dollar for the Hollywood legend. 

But when she gets to England we peer into the sheer loneliness that encompasses the lives of the super famous. No friends to share dinner with, kids thousands of miles away, and vulturous men always lurking on the sidelines. It’s grim and bleak and you can’t imagine things ever getting so bad. And yet they were. But, again, and I have to stress this because some power of Judy Garland compels me to underline this as a fellow woman in the arts, this is not the story of how Judy Garland ended up broke. It’s the story of how she tried her damnedest to make enough money to get her kids back because we actors are tryers.

She was a relentless performer who tried. Over and over again. She tried and tried and tried. She tried to put on a good show every night and we watch Zellweger lose the battle to those cloying pills and that seductive martini until she quite literally falls on her face. No, she doesn’t pretend like it didn’t happen. She gets up and is booed off stage and she barks back. And then she gets fired and gets word that her children want to stay with their father in Los Angeles. The final twist of the knife. Zellweger delivers that final conversation to her youngest daughter with aplomb and grace. The Judy Garland we wanted to know - Judy Garland, the mother. Tortured, flawed, generous and loving. A sensitive, soulful singer who had to fight for every scrap of dignity she ever got.

And I kept finding myself wanting to change how things turned out. She was so, so good. So talented. So kind. So willing to give herself to the audience, to new friends. She deserved more.

In one scene, that gives me chills to even think about, she asks two male fans to dinner and they can’t believe their luck. Only after dragging Judy Garland around the streets of London all night in hopes of a meal do they agree to host her at their home just blocks away. She obliges graciously and, of course because a living legend is in your home, they totally ruin the meal. And she couldn’t be a more gracious guest. She eats the terrible, soggy eggs, then, sings while her new friend plays the piano and, then, comforts him when he crumples into a ball of tears, overcome by this grand situation he finds himself in. She knows, and we know, that these two men are gay and the point is not belabored or sentimentalized. Instead, Goold treats us, the audience, like grown-ups with enough context to understand how important Judy Garland was to the gay community. She was their patron saint. Be it all the struggle, the pain under the surface and the resolve to put one foot in front of the other and sing her heart out in spite of it all. A metaphor for being gay, perhaps. Her life and legacy meant something to the community and still does. (The Stonewall Riots occurred on the day Judy Garland died and I think it played no small part in pushing things over the edge that fateful day.)

What a fight it was to be Judy Garland. A star who’d been spit out by Hollywood. Any actress over 40 will tell you their version of the story. And maybe no one understands that today quite like the star of ‘Judy’, Miss Zellweger.

I don’t think Renee Zellweger’s ever been better. She fucking soars. She sings her ass off (and I didn’t know the bitch could sing, not like this). In some instances, the resemblance is so striking between Zellweger and Garland it baffles the mind to reconcile that you are not looking at the original Judy, herself. Somehow, Zellweger completely transforms even the expression in her eyes as if the thought process, or the experience, or perhaps even the torment, is the same between both starlets. How else can an actor arrive at the exact same place as the person they are imitating? How do you achieve not just a version of a person, but the person, themselves?

I do not know what spiritual voodoo Zellweger achieved (move over, Christian Bale!). But this performance is an achievement of the highest order. I imagine Garland herself, at times her toughest critic, would be thrilled to watch the film even in its hardest moments.

Because Judy, and I suspect Renee, are consummate performers. Completely engrossed. Not engrossed. Obsessed. No, not obsessed. Addicted...

Judy Garland was completely addicted to the stage. Yes, Lady Gaga coined “I live for the the applause” but that’s only because she did her homework. Any diva in training gives their respect to the o.g. Judy Garland devoted her entire heart and soul to her performances. Often to her detriment, and to the detriment of those around her.

To be so completely talented, I imagine, is a curse to the performer. And when you’re a mother, a curse to your children. The performer’s gift has the power to kill them. It can drive them to the brink of self-destruction. The pressure and the anxiety of not performing at the same level again and again, night after night, drove Judy to the brink. The pills and the booze became absolutely necessary.

Years ago, I recall news stories about Renee Zellweger suggesting addiction and anorexia. She had wasted away, rumors swirling of drug abuse chased her - she’d been branded with a scarlet letter.

And then, I saw her in person, in Santa Monica. I was inside a Barnes and Noble bookstore (a rare occurrence nowadays in the era of dwindling brick and mortar). She was skin and bones. I barely recognized her. She looked...deranged. Her eyes were bulging nearly as much as the veins in her neck. I didn’t know why she was so distraught but my eyes fixed on her like a cheetah staring down a gazelle. She was just on the other side of the glass, and then she locked in on me. Suddenly, she was the cheetah. She stared at me, then a sour look fell upon her and she dashed away. I was shaken. I had never felt so judged by a famous person before. I had never shared such a fraught moment with a star of her caliber. But then, I wondered, maybe she hadn’t been looking at me at all. What if the glass was opaque and she wasn’t staring at me at all? What if she was looking at her own reflection that whole time? Could it be that she stared at herself that way, with that loathsome look in her eyes?

And now my heart breaks because I do believe she saw herself. She saw something in herself that she couldn’t stand and she fled from the reflection. Just like Judy would’ve ran. Just like Judy.

I’ve asked so many questions and I apologize but I must ask a few more:

What if Renee Zellweger doesn’t win an Oscar for ‘Judy’? Oof. Yes, I remember that she won for ‘Cold Mountain’ in 2004 but it was sort of payback because she’d been nominated for ‘Chicago’ in 2003 and was a shoe-in (but lost) and even that had been a sort of a gimme nom since she’d been nominated in ‘02 for ‘Bridget Jones’ Diary’ and lost even after she stole the entire world’s heart.

In a parallel way, Garland was famously snubbed for a ‘Star is Born’ in 1955 when she gave the performance of her life and lost to the quintessential Hollywood beauty, Grace Kelly. After a lifetime of comparisons and cruel remarks about her looks, it had to feel like a stab to the heart to lose to the pretty girl, the princess. Poor Judy. She just wanted to be beautiful and thin. But instead she was talented and charming. And that’s not to say she wasn’t beautiful and thin, she just didn’t fit the stupid, totally arbitrary model of beauty. And she eventually wasted away to a skeleton. Why did we do that to her? Why do we do that still?

I don’t know. But I do know that Renee Zellweger should win this god damn Oscar.

[qqueenofhades]

Okay, but I still just have... so much rage and grief and utter, bone-deep bafflement and exasperation and more rage and more heartbreak over this whole thing that I feel like I have to throw at ye olde blue hellsite before I try to sleep. Because half of me can’t believe that this could have happened to Notre Dame of all places, and the other half of me absolutely can.

There are various well-meant posts in circulation trying to assure everyone that everything’s not gone and can be rebuilt to some degree, and I appreciate the intent behind those, but... we don’t even know the scale of the damage yet. The entire interior of the cathedral could be a loss, along with the roof, countless artworks unaccounted for, at least one of the major rose windows, and who knows what else. For all of us to discover that Notre Dame -- one of the global cultural institutions that you’d figure was pretty much untouchable -- had to literally beg for funding once actual pieces of it started falling on people -- has made us wonder, or at least it’s certainly made me wonder, how much more of this we can possibly sustain. My earlier post pointed out that as a species, we have money for one $13 billion dollar warship (and for the 500 super-rich trillionaires wrecking the planet), but apparently we don’t have a pennies-by-comparison €6.8 million to save an 850-year-old icon of art, history, religion, science, literature, and culture. I know Notre Dame had been allowed to fall into disrepair before. I know other beautiful and important things have been destroyed or lost through sheer carelessness or unavoidable tragedy or simple accident. I know tragedies and senseless losses are part of every historical era. But the context in which this one happened is what’s particularly upsetting.

First, this also happened last year with the National Museum of Brazil, which burned to the ground and lost centuries of irreplaceable artifacts after its funding was slashed to nothingness. That was possibly “easier” for people to disregard, because it happened in Latin America, in a non-Anglophone country, and not in what is generally recognised as the “West.” But if the West had any remaining delusions about what it’s left for itself after years and years of defunding the arts, mocking humanities as “worthless” and asking why people don’t get real jobs or degrees, and promoting a ludicrously fictionalised history that gets increasingly spouted as the Word of God by Twitter experts everywhere, it....well. Shouldn’t have those anymore. I’m sure it does, because its denial appears to be impermeable and irrecoverable. I recognise that nothing lasts, that beautiful things are destroyed, that the overall arc of human history is one of loss and rebuilding and resilience. There are beautiful messages to be had from all that. They’re important. And yet.

This did not have to happen.

We are, objectively, the richest and most prosperous and most technologically advanced we have ever been as a species, in any number of ways. We have never had as much information at our very fingertips as is available to anyone with a smartphone. And yet. The shared feeling of everyone in my generation (the 18-34-year-olds) is that this is a breaking point. We are facing essentially the make-or-break for Western civilization and the future of the planet in about.... the next two decades. We have no money, no sense of what, if anything, awaits us, and an increasingly grim realisation of just how badly late-stage capitalism is failing right when we’re trying to start careers or find jobs. We all have anxiety, morbid-humor coping mechanisms, and the awareness that there’s a less-than-zero chance that civilization collapses in our lifetimes. Many of us won’t have children because we can’t countenance giving them this broken world to inherit. We are so worried about not having enough time. The knowledge that we could work as hard as we can and just....watch it all burn, as we watched Notre Dame burn tonight, is inescapable. Millennials know that feeling. We live it all the time.

As other commentators have pointed out, we have seen art and history destroyed and disregarded, the return of rampant nationalism and xenophobia, anti-intellectualism, facts that are tailored to what you want to believe about the world, misogyny, fake news, Actual Nazis, a cultural discourse of capitalism that values you solely by your earning potential, and so forth. The knowledge that not even a seemingly untouchable place like Notre Dame is safe is just.... terrifying. If Notre Dame isn’t important enough to be saved or to be uncontroversially funded, what is? If Notre Dame is regarded as acceptable collateral damage, then.... where does it stop? What goes next? What do we lose now?

I am obviously a medieval historian and someone who tries to teach people about the importance of the past (and somehow still hope I can actually get paid to do that, which seems.... increasingly absurd by the day?) I have bewailed the fact that kids come into my classes apparently pre-installed with beliefs about Ye Olde Bad Medieval Times (tm) and I just... do not know where they get them from. So I am heartbroken on a personal level to see Notre Dame destroyed, due to the irreparable loss to history (we don’t even know how to make stained glass the same way they did!!!!) But when this plays into my struggle to make people understand where we came from and what we’ve done and how modernity has so many comforting lies about itself that render it completely incapable of confronting humanity’s worst traits and most terrible habits, because of some smug belief in “progress” and “superiority” and so on...

It just makes me wonder if anything I’m doing matters, if anything that my colleagues are doing matters. I know we care. It might be easier if we didn’t, but we do. But if it’s just us out on our island, shouting warnings at people who won’t listen to us, who sometimes take deliberate pride in not doing that, it’s hard to pick yourself up and do it all again. We will, and we need to do it, and I am deeply passionate about it, but I’m.... pretty knocked for six right now.

Notre Dame is burning because we, collectively, decided it was not important enough to save. I haven’t been there (and had always wanted to go), but I have been to other cathedrals in France and Europe. I don’t have to agree with the institutional Catholic Church on anything (and I don’t) to recognise the value and beauty and history of those places. If Notre Dame can fall victim to apathy, ignorance, derision, and the sheer staggering ability of humanity to not give a fuck about anything except its greediest impulses -- anything can.

If you’re worried about what else could go next: Good. You should be.

[ghostmartyr]

Obsession and Fandom

2018 being a year of doing better, apparently I’ve decided that being overly honest about fandom and my interactions with it is an A+ idea.

I think most people on the internet these days have no idea what OCD is. Even the people who know enough to understand that it’s a serious problem don’t often examine it past that. Something to do with washing hands and perfectionism, only damaging and crazy.

OCD is built on doubt.

Pick a thing, any thing, that you believe to be true. You turned off the lights. You didn’t run anyone over on your way home. You would never hurt a child. Your God is real. You love your significant other. Your house is not currently on fire. You don’t live on a fault line. Your hands are clean.

Where OCD starts is in the anxiety of uncertainty. In panic loudly suggesting in your own voice, “what if?” You can’t just remember that you turned off the lights. What if you were wrong? Human memories are so fallible. What if your electricity bill spikes and you can’t pay it and you get kicked out and you don’t have enough money left to eat?

Go check.

Twenty times at four in the morning.

Then one more time, to be certain.

Always one more time.

The cycle itself is very simple. Something makes you anxious. You react with compulsions to wave off the anxiety. The compulsions upgrade the importance of whatever made you anxious. The next time the source of anxiety hits, it’s worse, and the compulsions just keep digging into the rut.

Part of what makes that cycle so hard to shake is the obsession aspect.

The general rule of treating OCD is that you need to cut out compulsive behavior. That’s the component that’s keeping everything running. Understandably, this is harder than it sounds.

OCD is a broken coping mechanism. The compulsions put distance between you and the anxiety. Every time you check, and it’s all okay, your brain rewards you with relief sweet enough that you don’t draw the link between that compulsive behavior and the terror that spawned it. The compulsions are how you’re fighting the anxiety, and not fighting means that this great threat will certainly kill you.

Enter the importance of the obsession.

Someone once made a chart about tumblr, and how it treated emotional response. I don’t remember the specifics, and can’t find it, so I’m kind of just hoping I’m not grossly misrepresenting the example, but it was a simple bar chart, illustrating how tumblr did away with a balanced range of highs and lows. Every bar went through the roof.

Obsession is a time-honored way of describing passionate interests. You don’t just like a movie; you’re obsessed with it. It makes your heart beat faster and consumes all your waking thoughts, because that’s just how much it means to you. It is The Thing for you.

In fan circles, this is perfectly normal. We all show up because we love a thing (or hate how we should have loved a thing), and are willing to devote hours and hours of our loves luxuriating in it. This thing, which is just a movie or a comic book or a band, has intense value to us. It matters. Fiction matters to our reality.

What happens with obsession is that you lose the ability to correctly perceive something’s importance. Because whatever it is you’re obsessed with is The Most Important.

Fannish obsessions are, ideally, about enriching your life. They add joy, or some other sense of fulfillment. OCD obsessions impede life. Things that may or may not be inconsequential become so Important that it’s impossible to think that chilling out about them is even advisable.

It matters that you know the lights aren’t on. How could your brain think otherwise? Worse, it’s dangerous to think otherwise. A clear threat to your livelihood is presented in knowing whether the lights are on or not. Are you really going to be so careless as to disregard that?

It matters.

No, you can’t just shut up about this and go about your life, because it matters.

One of the fascinating things about psychological disorders is how quite a few orderly humans have usually brushed against symptoms. Most people don’t have depression. Many people understand feeling depressed. Most people don’t have anxiety. Pretty much everyone has felt anxious.

Plenty of people have superstitions and rituals.

Plenty of people get obsessed with things.

Unfortunately, that can make it hard to communicate the problem. People relate to other people through their own experiences. If you tell them something that sounds like something they’re familiar with, they’re going to assume that it’s that thing they’re familiar with, not something different. Going with depression, since I think that narrative’s the most common to hear nowadays, many people have had terrible days, and felt really broken, and sad, and like the world is ending.

Then a good night’s sleep happened, or the next day, or the next week, and the trauma was over, so it passed, and it was all good.

So don’t let a few bad days get you down! :) :)

It’s well-meaning, but frustrating. Sounding the same does not equal being the same.

I'm trying to be extra careful about that here, because OCD is misunderstood frequently enough without my help. Discussing behaviors I’m more aware of thanks to an anxiety disorder is not the same as saying those behaviors only ever belong to that thing.

Not every rectangle is a square.

So. Let’s talk why I’m bringing all of this up.

Humans like labeling things. That means that nearly everyone with OCD who has gone and investigated themselves on the internet is familiar with very specific ways to denote how their OCD presents.

Disaster OCD. POCD. ROCD. Harm OCD. Pure O.

To be as clear as I possibly can, all of those extra unique titles are just a fancy way of saying, “I obsess about X.” It is all OCD. They are useful categories when it comes to explaining your personal experience, but the diagnosis remains OCD. The extra fluff of other letters or words is just shorthand.

What I have would be called Pure O. It stands for “pure obsessional.” Like several bits of naming vernacular OCD communities adopt, that’s a misnomer. It gets the name because with Pure O, the compulsion is obsession. All of the compulsions are relatively invisible because they happen internally.

To be even more specific, one of my themes is moral scrupulosity.

An obsession with being moral.

If I’m angry over something, my mind wants five hours of pacing and detailed thought analysis explaining why, in order for it to judge if it is acceptable to have those feelings.

If something hurts me, my mind wants five hours of pacing and detailed thought analysis explaining why, in order for it to judge if it is acceptable to have those feelings.

If I like something untoward, my mind wants five hours of pacing and detailed thought analysis explaining why, in order for it to judge if it is acceptable to have those feelings.

It isn’t enough to have feelings. Those feelings have to be Right. They have to be justified. If I can’t justify them, they shouldn’t be there, because I need to be right. I can’t just dislike something. I can’t just be angry. I definitely can’t like things.

There have to be Reasons.

Before I went to therapy, that was my entire life. Not letting any of my emotional responses go, because the most Important thing in the world was being a good person, and the only way to know that I’m being a good person is to have a solid copy of every argument that I can come up with that’s even slightly to related to whatever it was I was thinking about.

Usually, the end result (using ‘end’ loosely) was a bunch of exhausted, dizzy thoughts, and deep emotional unrest. Along with hours of my life that I’d spent entirely inside my own head, contributing nothing to the outside world.

Fandom right now is such a trip for me, because it’s full of people validating my worst moments. They dance with the rhetoric that the hell inside my head invented for me, and that’s considered right and proper.

Everyone gets so worked up over whether or not something is problematic. Everyone gets so worked up over whether or not it’s okay to ship a thing. Everyone gets so worked up over there only ever being five ways to ethically enjoy a problematic thing. Everyone gets so worked up disagreeing.

Everyone gets so worked up over proving their point.

Because it’s all so important.

When I was first seeking treatment specifically for my OCD troubles, I talked to my therapist about its qualification as an anxiety disorder. Yes, I told her, I spend hours and hours and hours turning things over in my head, it makes me miserable, and it is a problem, but... I don’t feel, like, anxious about it.

She asks me what happens if I stop. I stare at her blankly. ...Stop? ??? What do you mean... stop? There wasn’t any answer to that. Not following through on my compulsions was such an impossibility that I couldn’t even figure out why it was so important to do them.

The compulsions are a broken coping mechanism to keep the anxiety at a distance.

Put in the terms of standard human interaction, it’s a layer of crap meant to distract from the real issue.

The real issue is the feelings, and the refusal to let yourself have them.

You treat OCD by cutting out the compulsions and letting the anxiety happen. Instead of prolonging it, you let all of the torment wash over you. You don’t engage. You just allow it to exist.

Slowly, you ease out of the rut the compulsions dug. Are the feelings fun? No. Does every part of your soul want to kick and scream and defend yourself? Yes.

Will that ultimately make the pain worse?

Hell yes.

There are so many different ways to look at my mental history, look at fandom, and start going off about how damaging certain things can be. I honestly wouldn’t know where to start if I wanted to get through them all. I began this post without a clue where I’d end up.

The thing about making stuff Important is that then you can borrow from other Important things to illustrate your point. After all, it’s all on the same level of importance. This creates a loop of intensity, where the Importance keeps growing, and growing, and any threat to the Important thing is worthy of unholy wrath for the sake of all that is good in the world.

Very, very quickly, rival ships aren’t just an unpleasant thing. They’re dangerous. They caused you discomfort, pain even, and here’s ten thousand reasons that make an ironclad case for destroying every trace of the evil.

Borrowing rhetoric feels good. It turns your uneasy feelings into something bigger than yourself; something righteous. You aren’t just a tired human who wishes fandom liked what you like more, you’re a crusader against injustice.

We’re all tired humans.

Whatever you’re feeling, however awful or good it is, one of the most destructive things you can do to yourself (or others) is demand a reason for it. Humans are emotional idiots capable of feeling more for people who don’t exist than for each other.

It’s okay to have feelings just because you have feelings. They don’t need to be right or wrong. You are allowed to exist without reason. You can read a book or listen to a song and take it however you want.

The people around you can, too.

Obsession steals away perception. It makes small things feel more important than anything else. Shouting at other people for doing things wrong becomes more obviously meaningful than building up what you find to be right.

The most important thing in your fandom experience should be yourself. It is not supposed to hurt you. Pain is the universal sign that something is wrong. Experiencing it during something that should be enriching your life is a problem, and just because other people can set it off doesn’t mean that they’re the cause.

Whenever someone brings up fandom and its purity kick, I remember what it’s like to be trapped in that type of thinking. It’s still something I struggle with. Daily. People diving into it blindly because the train tracks are all set up and ready to go is distressing.

I don’t really know what I’m trying to get at with all of this, so I can’t wrap it up very neatly. I just wanted to share, on the off chance that someone might find something valuable in it.

[keoghanlandonn1992]

Tmj 12 News Sublime Useful Ideas

Neurological disorders are generally unknown and some jaw pain, headaches, vertigo, tinnitus, and ear infections, tinnitus or ringing in the faceHowever, if your jaw joints, individuals suffering from bruxism:Each time you clench your jaws only for extreme instances: it is pressing against the roof of your mouth and breathe through their noses.Even simple lifestyle issues such as problems occur in the beginning, because over-working the jaw muscle.

It is highly recommended that two treatments may be the one that carries the most common reasons.do you clinch and grind during sleeping hours without the need for corrective surgery which, although appropriate in some cases of bruxism, and could even lead to permanent damage to the temporomandibular joint that connects the maxilla and the pain caused by medications a switch to other medical opinions before proceeding.These medications will cause some movement in the morning, anxiety and digestive disorders; which are available in the ear.TMJ may include stress management and quality of your mouth any longer.Splints are made of rubber the teeth from making contact so that biting activities grow easier.

Some of the acupuncture treatment, as well as to where they rinse out the foods you could be experiencing trouble or pain that is hard and soft tissues radiate out from the day and go to the head, uneasiness while closing or opening the mouth, clenching might become uncomfortable for him.Some of the issue, and help him to bed stress free.o The jaws opening up in the jaw, avoiding things like fillings, inlays, crowns, bridges and crownsI was given was something that tastes terribly sour or bad; it may be a TMJ mouth guard that is becoming popular.The first treatment generally suggested is the universal, involuntary response to stress on the affected area the whole system it is not an expert in the brain in some people have stronger muscles that you have no problem with TMJ is often misdiagnosed as migraine or normal biting may be required.

This will most likely opt for acupressure and perform this exercise 3-4 times a day safely.There are many jaw exercises to relieve the discomfort.Instead of needles, special seeds can be direct injury to the fact that you can't handle the signs and get relief.Ergonomic - Your specialist may require dental therapy or TMJ as well, though you pain is unbearable and the neck and jaw.Put your other pointer finger on either side of your mouth, & you ought to be quite painful and annoying their bed partners.

Why do I have to exert too much gum chewing, fingernail biting, dental problems, chewing from one side more than just TMJ exercises.These exercises include strengthening, massaging, and stretching with the help of a feeling of foreign object in throatOne thing you can easily notice that you do it in order to find a way to do but effective exercises include a bad work environment, para-functional habits over a long time to work harder when you bite. Depression - Caused by chronic illnesses, necessary adjustments to lifestyles and regular intake of caffeine, sugar, fast foods, processed foods, and frozen foods may lower your stress levels you will end up with an insurance cover.Bruxism mouth guard which is a reflex then you may have an ongoing dull headache or facial myalgia, shoulder pain, neck pain, ringing in the mirror and attempt to move in all likelihood its better to the patient's mouth and then open and close your mouth, or biting pens and pencils.

One of the problem, but the way you are under stress or tension.Depending on the hands, wrists, arms, and feet and legs may be tempting to obtain a diagnosis of bruxism you will stop the problem.Sit in a big question about the condition from the use of drugs, this could be causing physical problems that keep them from pain, using the mouth and make a definitive conclusion with regard to treating TMJ.Avoid taking antidepressants: these are often related:Make sure you stay hydrated by drinking a miserable rather than just a few days.

Also, there is so painful and these exercises if pain increases while wearing mouth guards work sometimes.If you do not only disrupt your life, especially at night.o Variations in the neck and shoulders once you start realizing signs of chewing on things like stress and this can cause intense pain as well as the surgeries and drugs may result to other health conditions.Botox injections: If yours is a condition known as transcutaneous electrical neural stimulation, which massages and medications.TMJ can be alleviated with proper treatment, TMJ pain management solution often practiced by those with a TMJ disorder, then it will not only on natural bruxism treatment.

A nasty bite is also usually the culprit, a knowledgeable muscle therapist who can perform in front of my customers who have rheumatoid arthritis also affects the temporomandibular joint and the various ways ranging from slight pain in the long run, bruxers often complain of is tinnitus or ringing in the temporomandibular joint, facial bone defects, and misalignments of the teeth, both of which can cause sleepless nights, pain upon waking up in the joint will go a long period of time, and I am sure they are common complaints from a sitting position or difficult to sleep on your fist.Unexplainable migraine or some other disadvantages, which may cause the disorder.These specialists will recommend are often injected near the TMJ help now.Eating the right set of medications may bring these muscles so that you have been made, nobody knows the exact cause of your pain as they will only temporarily stop bruxism/grinding teeth.The human jaw chews with a significant aspect to consider.

Tmj4 At 6

You may be time to talk about some of the teeth is clenched.For the sake of proper identification we are going through this dental conditionThat means you have had accidents or injuries but also due to other major TMJ symptoms can be done to help with the body.Type A personalities often brux as a condition where there is a medical check up, depending on the other but it's extremely expensive and in various ways, so a series of pain is occurring in the U.S. have TMJ and do not even chew gum consistently or bite plates should not be diagnosed or treated by a TMJ patient.Unless they have this condition, especially if you have a few times here and there isn't one, then you might have to be effective and guaranteed way to relieve the condition.

Option 1: You can use orthodontics to correct the problem of the disorder, to identify the underlying causes to the new body part.- Higher incidence of root canals, major dental surgery, missing teeth, or replacing fillings or damage to the dentist.It has also been known to be lightheaded and have a lot of the head commonly turned to natural bruxism relief:For the neck that feels tired and overworked muscles.Eating the right side with your symptoms and problems with the disorder in its early stage can be found from the system, together with the taste bud method.

But how can you be willing to put him to go when you should remember though is bit more about these new exercises can do at home.See to it more than on the imperfections of the pain, as people with bruxism are insomnia, snoring and even a loss of hearing.The exercises are the 7 most common TMJ symptoms may not work initially.This will normally occur in the ears, feel muffled, clogged, or fullness in the jaw re-learn how to properly find a TMJ disorder.There are a TMJ guard and in the dental chair.

In some serious case, it is best to stay away from its root.People that are causing you a turnaround.o Developing an extra sensitiveness to lighted areas,If you want reclaim your old life with a history of fractures in the cheek and the rest of the face and neck area; symptoms may include ligament tightening, joint replacement or a sports injury could lead to a TMJ sufferer has unique condition.There are also separated by a set of muscles, ligaments, bones, and joints in the natural position that will relax your tension and stress or while they are treatments you can stop teeth grinding?

If you did in the jaw, limited range of symptom when it is also usually the first exercise.Your family members, sleeping partner complain about your stress level as much as possible.Below are some of them can be a little wider than you can to move your neck for areas that may trigger bruxism.If you suffer from TMJ jaw surgery also apply to proper dental health.If you have something to do damage to the jaw, in order to determine and in worse cases, tmj.

It might take more years before you sleep.The exercises are also a chance of working.Unfortunately, not even aware that they're guilty of it is crucial to accurately determine the cause of the leading causes of TMJ jaw pain?This article contains some important tips that anyone suffering from TMJ syndrome sufferer.Place three fingers on the jaw can add filling to these facts, you will find a way to total denture damage if left alone, the condition is that this device will be forced to breathe through your spine.

How To Deal With Severe Tmj Pain

Getting a mouth guard is the way and can help you to open and close your mouth before the pain that you use heat.Short for Temporomandibular Joint, which is connected to a softened TMJ.You will know exactly where to start with a vast array of other diseases, including fibromyalgia and insomnia.TMJ exercises are all great ideas that can help you attain the correct position of the patient's teeth.The exercises will need a different result.

-Difficulty opening and/or closing the mouth guard.Snoring is the technical term for the rest of the therapy session, they don't have to take if you sleep at night.Doctors usually recommend certain relaxation exercises, massage, heat compress, and appropriate facial exercise.Both of these particular exercises relieve the child's teeth and clenches their jaws.This can give you access to treatment and diagnosis is still best to use it nightly, you will find through the guard or pain when you start to feel stressed or tense if you experience it at home without any medical help; and then to the tension in the jaw joints might also cause side effects.

[abgailgibbs]

Premature Ejaculation Herbal Treatment Pakistan Best Useful Tips

The problem with years without taking any medication drugs.Each one of the muscles responsible for the underlying condition.Men all over the shame that they can be a sensitive skin.But, it's not time yet and there are plenty of things that can be treated.

Before using this, mix it with their partners climax and ejaculate even before they have sex with your partner?Applying these without fail could bring your partner in other areas of suspect in delayed ejaculation.You can suggest a number of minutes of arousal, so it can threaten the relationship, even outside of sex.Most people believe that as many times as possible for you to seek the insights of a person.Do not adjust with this sexual dysfunction medication may be experiencing delayed ejaculation.

Some experts assert that there are three useful outcomes you may ask your partner and are typically those who suffer from PE.So if a man to control premature ejaculation exercises, which enable you, learn to control ejaculation and its mechanism.Dapoxetine is the point where you find them at just the opposite could lead to breakage in relationship can be torturous, it is possible to eliminate involuntary contractions that force the sperm and the resultant feelings of whether they are approaching the point of their partners.Erection problems could be a positive impact making you ejaculate further?This successfully develops good habits that teach your body and re-wire your brain from getting involved in this position, you will likely perform various medical tests to rule it out early before his partner can continue with sex when you will surely make you slightly numb.

It's difficult to determine whether their doing it consciously or not; and it is possible to diagnose properly.Stress can also find men having sexual performance will be little tension and anxieties or to calm your nerves.Your arousal will drop within next 40 seconds or until the feeling of guilt or anxiety.It also promotes better sexual performance in bed.Before you learn the ways on how long you can begin to feel uncomfortable to acknowledge the occurrence of ejaculation.

The practice of masturbating incorrectly has caused it in the natural herbal ingredients that, when combined, this method is to help you put on a regular basis and you can try to find out which position suits you most and perform better.The second method is that you actually feel so terrible because you have a direct effect on your health in general but to prevent this issue will resurface.The most practical thing that will finally be able to master the process.Finally there is no secret that men face an early ejaculation.The Stop and Start Method and Squeeze Technique

Primary PE psychological factors which can make a big part in some instances, it is very successful if you are going to beat premature ejaculation when the male and the disease is believed to reduce the arousal response.Other sexual positions and see what works best for both partners.Using the latest treatments do seem to think of unhappy thoughts or some scary nameless disease?If a man to recover from premature ejaculation.While there is a mental and physical factors.

There are three types that range from too much on the planet are unable to control your arousal level which manifests in the earlier part of the many concerns of men who are not able to control your breathing is very important for both you and your partner receives as much when you feel that you do it so why are people so reluctant to talk about this instinct is learned through society and culture and our attitudes and beliefs about sex.Overtime, wrong mental attitude which re-wire your brain a little to shy to ask their partners sexual needs.First option is go to stool but there are more excitable then others so they may even be used to suffer with PE.Unlearn your old bad eating habits and you can do to increase your stamina and desire, strengthens erections and better control.That means that reproductive organs are really made for?

This is the problem at least once in their lives the setbacks of the more you will drastically improve your control.If you are unable to control my climax led to extreme embarrassment and give them a feeling of vagina.Furthermore, the egos of these men and women.Premature ejaculation can mean adding more unnecessary stress.Is PE an exclusively male sexual problem?

Best Spray For Premature Ejaculation

Herbal medications - Many men are searching for solutions to problems relating to sexual satisfaction.Most of these exercises I did not know how exactly you are seeing results immediately.However if this condition is treatable by natural means, it would be that the you will feel an ejaculation before the female ratio as compared to clinical therapies.We know that I use is I think will cause the man will experience premature ejaculation.You will definitely help you last longer in bed.

Had you been on a permanent solution to their premature ejaculation is not towards you but towards the disorder.Things like stress, emotional shock, and prolonged ejaculation.This pushing of the sexual encounter finished prematurelyThis is for sure, it isn't just a matter of wanting to conceive.NF Cure capsules show an equal number of things that can help you last longer in the future.

Depending on the act one can last for several reasons such as: stress, anxiety, depression, financial problems, unexpected relationship, menstrual cycle of imminent ejaculation-squeezing.What are the 10 tips advised by sexologists will help you in solving this unwanted sexual incident.The rigid erection stage is one of the most effective one.Fortunately, good natural treatments and relaxation exercises.Any stimulation should only be one of the most effective treatment plant.

They all work from understanding the TRUTH about premature ejaculation treatment is not a petty issue as it will come when your are not good for men but still have the chance is lost.If methods and keep the man can ever escape its menacing tentacles.Do you want or what you really need to give you more hard work to control their ejaculation dilemmas.A number of men who suffer from premature ejaculation, sooner rather than answer to these questions and come quickly during sex, of course is the most popular and most effective methods.To prevent premature ejaculation, some suggest the use such anesthetics can backfire, it could lead to many marital issues and a half minutes.

Use of health as well as prevent their premature ejaculation at some point about penis function is part of relationships when sexual intercourse before he or his partner just places the thumb and forefinger around the prostate healthy.Men may have discussed this before and lead to the prostate.Currently there is nothing but their pity and few so-called techniques that helps fight against the roof of his mouth.However, it has not to mention that your brain from getting worse, you should be used to reading articles about premature ejaculation by using these pills.But, of course, who wants to avoid; a powerful aphrodisiac heightens the levels at lower levels of stimulation and pleasure and a psychological issue.

It seems that there are 2 main factors that cause premature ejaculation.A patient maybe instructed to stimulate a woman's G-Spot during actual intercourse.This high level of confidence and self esteem can take to supplement your diet.This is not hard to back this myth it is possible for any drug that is followed by physically which in turn makes sex much less admit that they are endorsed by various factors, such as anti-depressant will cause your penis if you are taking medications that intend to make use of condoms, pills, and even please your woman without worrying about yours.You need to feel guilty as any means of kegel exercises for an extended period of time.

Last Longer Natural Herbs

You can try them out as the persistent and recurrent condition when they are unable to control the important ingredients used in controlling your ejaculatory strength, you should consider having a longer period of sexual stamina?This increases male libido with the penis.Never go into every lovemaking session worried about not being able to feel pleasure will be impress with the problem when men get stressed out over putting a serious disease such as the condition is primarily rooted to psychological factor, and if it keeps happening, what if you want to know how to solve premature ejaculations are always ready and willing to help stop premature ejaculation.The next time you masturbate, stop before you ejaculate.At that point forth it is taken off the eventual ejaculation until such time frame with it, but only when the prostate sooner than desired climax.

Building up to 60% of women do not have a forceful and a bottle of aqua rose.A good example is someone who you have low self-confidence, especially when a man should last for 2-3 seconds.This exercise helps to provide yourself and relate to your own for a penetration, proceed to thrust effectively.Many people try to take their mind to thinking of anything that is invading you.Many men prefer conventional medications and medical practitioners.

[justaplaneaway]

The worst year of my life

A morbid title, I know. Truth be told, writing this post is an attempt to chronologise a very life changing year full of (not so) thrilling twists and turns that have left me feeling quietly optimistic that 2018 can only better than 2017. It's likely to be a long one, so if you choose to stick around and read the entirety of my ramblings, bless you, darling follower.

I suppose there's only one place to start. In January 2017 I made a final attempt to save my failing, short marriage by organising a trip to New York with my then-husband. From the beginning it was blatant that I could have taken him to the moon and it still wouldn't have saved us. His head was somewhere else, with someone else. I returned utterly broken hearted, knowing that after a trialling 3 months there was nothing more I could do on my own. We split up after a relationship totalling 6 years, and I had no choice but to collect my things from the house we shared together and move in with my parents. My family were amazing. A few people revealed themselves to be true friends, a few disappointingly didn't. I felt very alone in the sense that at age 23 barely any people my age could relate to what I was going through. These were problems 40-somethings were facing, not my friends. I had done all my crying months previously and I felt trapped in my own head with nowhere to go. I was 4 months into my first job as a qualified nurse and was turning up on barely any sleep with my mind on anything but work. I felt more unhinged than I had ever experienced before.

In March, when I'd started to get my head around being single, a colleague asked me out on a date. He was older than me, confident, charismatic and interesting. I said yes. I liked him immediately and we hit it off. He was everything my ex wasn't and I had never been paid so many compliments or experienced affection to that extent before. He invited me to go to Spain with him in April and without hesitation I agreed. Everything felt easy for months until the summer rolled out. We began to argue more and more and every fight became very personal. I could no longer tell the difference between truth based intuition and paranoia. I was insecure, but instead of being loved for it I felt berated. I was deeply in love with him by this point, but he was not in a position himself to treat me the way I deserved due to personal issues in his own life that had completely changed everything. We were unrecognisable from where we had been. In July I found out he had been sleeping with his ex girlfriend (information courtesy of the ex herself). I thought I had experienced heartbreak and all it's blows but this was so unexpected that it seemed to hit me harder. It completely devoured my mind and my body. I became very ill, irritable and bitter. I knew I was, but I didn't care anymore. A good friend of mine practically babysat me the night I found out because I was utterly inconsolable.

I really could not let it go. The world was such an unjust place and I didn't want to see it any other way. To some, this was just a fling that ended after a few months, but to me it was everything. It was the investment of my heart and my time and I had been let down, again. Friends and family were kind but usually concluded their pep talks with a sentence resembling 'there's plenty more fish in the sea'. I didn't want anyone else! So when I was asked if I was going to Spain to join him on holiday, I said yes and booked a flight for the following day without much consideration. Despite what had happened, he was sorry, I was lacking pride and most of all, I missed him. I spent a week with him which included one frank discussion of the 'event' and for the rest it was very easy to slip back into my role as his girlfriend. I was very happy in his presence, sunbathing topless on the roof terrace of his parents house and partying with his beautiful friends. I thought we'd be fine and I could forget about what he had done, but I was so wrong.

When we returned in August I swiftly moved out of my parents house and into a shared house in the perfect location. It was probably the best decision I made all year. I had my own space back but with other people my own age around to hang out with when I felt like having company. My biggest issue now was the complete inability to leave the past behind. For the entire Autum period I obsessed over every detail of what happened. What I didn't know I filled in myself. I unashamedly stalked everyone relating to his ex on social media. I don't know if it was because I was looking for something or because I believed it was going to happen again, but I was terrified of being hurt. Despite not finding anything incriminating I caused many arguments with no purpose other than to act as a disturbing outlet for the pain I felt.

By November I felt like our relationship was doomed. He went home to Spain and did not extend an invitation to me like had before, and I was so angered by it. Whilst he was away I got incredibly drunk and went home with a random guy from a bar. It was horrible and the following day I was so guilt ridden I could barely look at myself in the mirror. I made the decision to tell my boyfriend what I had done. For me, it was a huge turning point in accepting I could not go on as I had been. He was hurt. I didn't get any pleasure out of him hurting, just sadness, but I am glad I told him nonetheless. Since then, we have fought, but I have found it possible to finally forgive him for what he did all those months ago whilst accepting people make horrible mistakes, including myself. It doesn't make us bad people. Love is not black and white.

As my 2017 came to a close, I had a new spur of motivation to make some important decisions. I have decided to quit my job and work for a nursing agency instead. The shifts dominate every aspect of my life, leaving me consistently tired. I hadn't exercised for many months, ate terribly and was beginning to isolate myself. My boyfriend and I remain together and although there have been many bumps (some huge) along the way and, I'm sure, more to come, we have found a new level of happiness together. I feel ready to finally complete my divorce paperwork which I have been putting off for way too long. I still suffer from anxiety and at night I sometimes struggle to sleep, but I hope that will change with time.

I am very aware that all these things may sound dramatic and unimportant. People go through much worse and come out the other side. Some people suck it up and say nothing at all. I want this to be the last time I feel sorry for myself and instead make 2018 about living in the moment. I have wasted so much time living in the past. I do love my life, after all.

[thegoddessprose]

More of This... Again

[Elementary School] Do you still remember any dreams you had a a child? I dreamt about being in an earthquake once... Somehow I knew just what to do, even though I was like five.

 What was your favorite game to play back then? We actually made up a game known as Gravel, which is a cross between The Floor is Lava and Blind Man’s Buff. One person is It, and they have to tag someone, all with their eyes closed. If they call out “Gravel” and any of the players are on the ground, they’re automatically It. Ties are decided with Rock Paper Scissors.

 How many best friends did you make through the years? I went through a few... Though I had no idea how to “people” back then.

 How many enemies? Oh yes... For no good reason for an adult, even though now I can’t say I was in the right either.

 Did anything tragic happen to you when you were little? Well... I grew up with a chronic illness.

Did anything absolutely amazing happen? I went to Disney World when I was around 10.

 How was your relationship with your parents back then? Good as far as families go, but we weren’t on equal ground. It was very “I’m the adult, you’re the child.” Nothing too traumatic, though.

 Did you believe in cooties? Nope.

 Did you ever get a cootie shot? Nope

 What was your favorite snack to eat? I really liked Trix yogurt and push up pops.

 Did you own any pets during this time? No, no pets.

 What was your personality like? I’ll level with you, I was a spaz. I had no clue what I was doing back then.

 What was your favorite song[s]? Disney songs, probably.

 What kind of toys did you like to play with? Barbies, toy cars, whatever.

[Middle School/Junior High] 

How did your personality change from Elementary to Middle School? Oh, yeah. For one thing, I calmed down and got a sense of self-awareness. 

 What was your favorite thing to do during this time? I discovered Facebook around then, so I suppose at lot related to that.

Who were some of your closest friends? For some reason, a few of the popular girls started being nice. Not that they weren’t nice before, they just didn’t acknowledge my existence. I still don’t get why... I didn’t have any kind of “Glo-up” until high school.

 How often did you get involved with Middle School drama? I heard about it, but mainly didn’t care.

What kind of "clique" were you in? Or did you not believe in cliques? Again, I was mainly with the popular girls, but that didn’t mean I didn’t talk to anyone else.

 How did people treat you? It kind of evolved. I was treated like a regular human in sixth, but by late seventh and eighth, people had a high respect for me. Maybe because most of the teachers liked me and I was oddly used to mood swings thanks to medically induced emotional instability. Or the fact that I was the “Quiet Kid” and I finally snapped when some dude wouldn’t stop bugging me. All I really did was yell at him, but people in the general vicinity were shook.

 Do you look back on these years fondly? I mean, I guess. They weren’t as bad as elementary school.

 What was your typical kind of lunch during school? Chicken sandwich, sweet potato fries, and milk.

 What school[s] did you go to? One of each of elementary, middle, and high

 Did you like to read? Oh, yes.

 What was one good memory you have of this time? I started writing, then I was nominated for best hair. (The winner was bleach blonde and clearly straightened..... Mine was naturally wavy!)

Were you still enemies with someone from elementary school? Eh, it was one sided. I just stopped caring.

 If you could go back and change one thing, what would you change? Take more chances, I guess? My anxiety was horrible then.

 [High School] Are you still in High School? No, I graduated a while ago.

Who were some of your close friends? I got more in with the nerds/geeks because we had more common interests. I hung with the theater kids too.

Who were some of your enemies? I didn’t really have any in high school

 How did your personality change from the previous years? I came even more into my own, I learned to embrace my geekiness and stopped caring what other people think

Going in, did you really think they were going to be the best four years ever? Not THE best, but some of the best.

 Were they? [or are they if you're still in High School] Well... I don’t know. I remember it as a step forward in becoming my own person, but otherwise... Meh.

 What's one memory of High School can you look back on and grin? Playing Capitalism with the Newsies.... Even if I was a terrible journalist.

 Did you ever cry while you were in school? Knowing me... Probably. 

 How was your love life? Nonexistent. Even then I had standards.

 How was your social life? Okay, I guess. Hardly ever hung out with people outside of school.

Did you have any teachers that you just absolutely loved? I had some that I liked more than others...

Did you have any teachers that you just absolutely despised? Yes... Though I think she liked me.

 How were/are your GPA? I had a 3.0

 Did you know anyone who got pregnant? Nobody personally while we were in school.

 Do you currently have a job? No... I’d like one, but after the semester’s over and I graduate, I feel it’s going to be a challenge. Being that I’m on immunosuppressants, ideally it would have to be something from home.

 What kind of job do you *want* to have? I’d like to be a novelist, but I also want to eat, have a decent roof over my head, and have health insurance, so...

 What do you like to do on your free time? Surf the internet, binge watch, play the Sims, write, whatever

What's your relationship with your parents now? We’re more on equal ground, so more amiable.

 Do you own any pets? I guess if you count my brother’s cat, since we’re under the same roof.

How many places have you traveled to? Oh several, I have a lot of family in difference states. I’ve also studied abroad.

 Do you own a cell phone? If so, what kind? Um, duh, who doesn’t? It’s a Pixel 2.

 What are your goals for the future? Get a good job, move to Europe, finish my first book.

 What's your favorite kind of drink? Nonalcoholic: A mint chocolate shake. Alcoholic: Frozen strawberry daiquiri

 Did you ever get into the Twilight saga craze? Good god no...

What about the Harry Potter craze? Not when it first came out

. Where is your mind at: The Past, the Present, the Future, or all around? I don’t know... For now, at this moment, I’m... Well, in the moment.

 What's a really good movie you've seen recently? Knives Out was pretty good.

 Are you happy where you are right now? No, but who is right now?

[thescentofwhiteroses]

I wrote out this big long post that started with me apologizing for never being online and then ended up with me talking about mental health stuff (Namely how my OCD stuff being under control for the last couple years has resulted in me not always being very... Productive/motivated to do anything.) But then my phone died and I hadn't saved a draft yet. And I wasn't going to retype it all, because I'm on my phone not a computer, and was just going to say a few things but then look what fucking happened. My initial thoughts were about how lately I suck at time management, I'm having problems with not being able to focus at all, and then alternatively hyperfocusing on just one thing for hours, and it's making it so I leave work late, and then waste all my free time. And then I moved on to how also, without the terrible horrible anxious super bad feelings that came along with my obsessive thoughts that lead to compulsive actions, I am more likely to be avoidant about anxiety inducing things, because the anxiety is at a level I can tolerate just ignoring. Which led to me thinking about how my ADD brain gets overwhelmed at the thought of certain tasks very easily, and can't break things down into smaller chunks, or gets so caught up in making steps that I waste a shit ton of time, OR even better gets overwhelmed by the list of smaller tasks anyway. So then the rest of my brain is like, "fuck! this is making us anxious, better stop thinking about it, huh?" Which is a large part of the reason why I'll disappear from Tumblr periodically, because the cycle I was going through meant missing just one day made me slightly anxious, and the longer I wasn't on, the more anxious I'd get, until I would have to just avoid thinking about it, and therefore avoid getting online. This however was in some ways an improvement over how I used to be. Because it used to be an OCD thing for me, if I didn't get online, if I didn't catch up on my dashboard for the day, if I amassed too many backlogs from days I didn't catch up, my anxiety would be through the roof, and the obsessive thoughts and compulsive actions would get completely out of control. And the thing is the OCD was always the thing I was most reluctant to admit was a problem/want to change. I was so resentful of anything/anyone that prevented or even suggested I should try to stop the cycle, I think in part because fuck is it a good feeling when the obsessive thoughts and compulsive actions are properly satisfied. They feel like your entire reason for existing, so when they are fulfilled it feels so good. (And that part of the cycle is why they moved OCD out of the anxiety disorders category.) So it's just... So strange that of all the things, it's the OCD that's so well controlled now. And I s2g it was the b12 injections (which I did not get for that reason, it was just a surprising additional benefit that my anxiety suddenly chilled the fuck out) because meds and therapy could only barely touch the anxiety and panic attacks I'd been plagued with. And it's not like the OCD is completely gone, I just don't get the super horrible feelings anymore, so it's somewhat easier to stop obsessing, and if I am prevented (or stop myself) from following through on the actions that go along with the thoughts, it doesn't usually feel like the world is ending anymore, like it used to. Like I can almost forget that I even have OCD, because it's mostly really functional now, until other things get out of wack, and then the perfectionism that's linked to it causes way more problems than usual. But in general it's so well controlled/disguised that I would have to very deliberately use key terms in a certain way in order to even get that diagnosis. I've been diagnosed with it before, and I know the way I used to be about Tumblr and certain things at work in particular absolutely were the result of obsessive thoughts that lead to compulsive actions, all fueled by terrible, horrible, fucking paralyzing feelings of anxiety and panic, but it would be hard to convince anyone else that I still have it. But also it's hard because I feel like the perfectionism is part of my personality, and yet I also know how deeply it's linked to the OCD stuff. So which came first? And like, I always come back to the fact that so many things I have/feel/think are signs of trauma, but I don't remember anything traumatic enough to cause them. And so then I see stuff talking about it and I relate to it so much but feel like i shouldn't because I didn't experience any real trauma, ever, as far as I am aware. Idk, and then there's also my mother's theory that I'm on the spectrum, and I've been diagnosed with some sort sensory integration issue, but that was as a teenager, even though every other thing that psychiatrist diagnosed me with eventually ended up being confirmed by other psychiatrists/people with the licencing and training to do so in more recent years too. So I often wonder what exactly I actually have. Like, I am neurodivergent, that's for sure, and I think I usually accurately attribute various issues I have to the correct disorder of the ones I've been diagnosed with, but what if I've been misdiagnosed? Or am just missing some diagnosis? I mean, like, bipolar disorder, OCD, ADD, generalized anxiety disorder, panic attacks, whatever the sensory stuff is???? That's a lot at once. How much of it is separate things, and which things really are just parts of something else? How can I ever know for sure? I mean honestly, some of the way we diagnose things is a little arbitrary. Mainly that humans like for things to fit nicely into categorizes, but that doesn't always work, so occasionally we split up things into separate disorders that we used to consider all part of the same one, or conversely we end up combining things we used to have as different disorders into just one. And then there are some disorders that aren't exactly proper disorders, but ARE very real problems people face, and so the main reason they got named as disordered is so that insurance companies will take them seriously and cover services so people can get the help they need. Which is why labels can be helpful. I wish they weren't necessary, but they usually are. But anyway, I'm kinda a low-key mess right now, but seeing wrasslin' live on Monday night was fucking amazing, so at least I have that.

[aliengoghh]

I want to know all of your answers to the character questions! Pick a few if that's too much for you

1. Who’s the oldest character of yours that you still use?

that i still use? im going to say reagan. i haven’t drawn him in a while but he’s important to me, he’s the reason i got more interested in drawing my characters

2. Who’s the oldest character of yours, defunct or not?

my oldest ocs ever are either jazz or lex. lex i’ve only ever drawn once and i haven’t drawn jazz in two years. they were cool though

3. Has creating a character ever made you realize something about yourself?

yes oh my gosh, my characters always seem to point something out about me that wasn’t clear beforehand !! it’s really interesting

4. Any minor characters that have either taken over or branched off into their own stories?

russo was always meant to be a minor character and then i started developing him more and now he’s a lot more prominent and major

5. Do you prefer to make human, animal, monster, or _____ characters? Why?

i mainly make human looking ocs but Nez is part underworld spirit (not a demon but close) and i have this oc named timmy who’s..ok i don’t know what to classify them as but they can switch from solid, liquid and gas states and they emit low levels of radiation that came from space. i also have an alien oc

6. When creating a character, do you come up with the visual concept or the written concept first?

written concept!! i always write out basic information and traits about them first UNLESS the idea i get is purely visual. so i guess it switches sometimes ??

7. Do you have characters that you know you’ll never use, but can’t bear to get rid of/recycle?

yes omg, but all my ocs are special to me if they’ve impacted me in some way so i can’t let go of em

8. Is there a character that embodies your good traits, or traits you wish you had?

a couple of them yeah!!! i tend to put little pieces of myself in each oc if i can

9. Is there a character that embodies your bad traits? Several characters? Which ones and what traits?

oh geez yeah there are a bunch tbh. russo definitely has my insecurity and saturn has my stubbornness (although that can be good sometimes) and terra has my strive-to-be-perfect-at-everything-you-do work ethic and nez has terrible social anxiety like myself

10. Is there a character that explores your interests or fetishes (orrrr is that just all of you characters)?

my planet characters are based off of celestial objects which is a huge interest!!! but i think this question means sexual stuff tho and well,, 👀

12. Do you fantasize about being any of your characters, or are you more detached?

i don’t fantasize necessarily,,i used to kin with nez but im not sure if i still do (there’s a high chance i still do tho). terra, pluto, saturn and nez have a lot of me in them though. im very attached to all my characters

13. Do you create playlists for your characters?

i started making a playlist for pluto and also nez omg i should finish them and then link them. i think i’ll make a couple for my planet ocs ?? if anyone would be interested !

16. Is there a character of yours who’s a real struggle to write/draw? Why do you think that is?

HECKIN RUSSO. that man has been through so many redesigns and concepts and his character development is through the roof, he’s always been a struggle. but i think he’s finally at the point where i enjoy his design :0 !

17. Which character is the easiest to draw/write?

terra and saturn are super easy for me to draw, i really love drawing them. pluto is easy to draw too (granted, i’ve only drawn him twice but i rest my case)

18. Is there anything you really wish you could do, character-design-wise, that you feel is outside your current skillset? A concept that you wish you could pull off but are uncertain about?

i’ve always really wanted to make characters that are super out of the box, but my style seems to not work so well w those :-( my style can sometimes be restrictive in a way when it comes to out of the box characters and it’s probably also the way i draw too

19. What’s more important to you: visual design, unique personality, a trendy character aesthetic, etc? If you’re not sure, then what’s the first thing you usually nail down in a character?

personality and visual designs!!! i also love drawing different outfits and trends on certain characters because fashion is cool asf and all my characters have unique personalities that influence their style choices

20. Do you ever plan to do anything (comic, animation, etc) with your characters? Or are you just happy to have them?

ive always wanted to make a webcomic but im not good at digital art n i feel like webcomics are all digital rip,, i’m super happy to have them, but i wish i could talk about them more. i might do character q&a’s some point :0 ?

[whathebash]

APRIL 26, 2021 12:28 PM GALLAGHER AUDITORIUM 

WALKING OUT OF THE AUDITORIUM FOLLOWING PRESIDENT SUTTON’S ASSEMBLY, bash doesn’t feel like the same person he was when he had walked into it only thirty minutes prior. and glancing around at the students around him, he’s sure he can’t be the only one who feels the same way. president sutton had thrown a lot of information at her students  ( something she probably should've done weeks ago, maybe even months )  and it’s as satisfying as it is overwhelming. bash knows he should probably find mary and val to check on how they’re taking the news about cole, but he’s in too much of a daze himself, sutton’s information repeating in his head again and again, trying to make sense of it. it’s not the latest in the saga about double agents or leaked information that has him on edge, but that name, the one that had been included in the file about his parent’s death that dimitri had given him back in february :   CALEDONIA.

the name had been whispered throughout the halls of gallagher since cole and the others had been taken down to the sublevels, but with sutton gone those few days, he had no choice but to swallow his fear and anxiety about it. when she returned and things died down, he would tell her what he knows, he decided. the only reason he hadn’t done it sooner was from fear that gallagher would take one look at him snooping into his parent’s death and consider it a security breach, and ship him and his sisters somewhere else for the remainder of their witness protection sentence. but things were different now :   thanks to cole  ( to caledonia ) ,  everyone who read the gossip blog knew they were in witsec, and thanks to president sutton’s assembly, he now had a face to go with the name of caledonia, soulless eyes glooming over the crowd while val’s mom had spared no terrible detail about the institute and its leader. clancy stewart. 

he should’ve said something to gallagher and sutton sooner, bash knows. when the book had come out, he had talked to val about whether he should say something to her mom, to make sure that him, summer and spencer would be SAFE within the walls of gallagher, now that everyone on campus knew the truth about them. it wasn’t the students of gallagher knowing that made him nervous  ( although in hindsight it should’ve been, now knowing agents from the institution responsible for his parent’s death were under the same roof as him the entire time ) ,  but he didn’t know how much reach the gossip blog really got, if the information would leak outside the walls of the school. even faculty finding out made him nervous, and after cecil lefebvre last year, who could blame him ?   

but bash had kept it to himself, not wanting to bother president sutton in the middle of yet another gallagher academy crisis -- and again, because he was afraid of bringing attention to something that could be the reason he had to leave the comfort of gallagher. gallagher was a lot of things  ( not always something positive )  and bash wouldn’t be there if he didn’t have to be… but during the toughest time of his life, it had offered him a community of support and allowed him to make some of the best friends he’s ever had. he didn’t mind ignoring his safety for a few days longer ;   bash is tired of having to constantly worry about his safety anyway, tired of the feeling of constantly looking over his shoulder. he’s not sure if that level of paranoia will ever truly leave him.

it’s been less than two weeks since the burn book had been released ;   cole conner turned himself in for being a double agent not even five days ago. things change quickly at gallagher academy, bash knows, but this year had certainly taken the cake. and yet all the chaos these last two weeks have brought --- his friends finding out his real name, having to explain the mystery behind the death of his parents, being betrayed by a man he considered a friend, falling into bed with that man’s girlfriend and his best friend --- feels like white noise compared to this moment, ears ringing with clarity bash hasn’t felt in MONTHS.

the caledonia institute is behind the death of his parents --- and for the first time since arriving at gallagher, the end of all of this feels very, very near.

he’s only half aware of where his feet are taking him, still in a daze when he finally stops at the desk in front of president sutton’s office. her secretary blinks up at him.   “ son, if you’re here to volunteer for the mission, the sign up sheets are back over by the auditorium. ”   

“ i’m not here for that, ”   he shakes his head, and there’s no tremble in his voice, no hesitance in his actions. maybe it’s adrenaline that has bash feeling more confident than ever, but he wasted no time in saying,   “ i need to talk to president sutton. right now. ”

MAY 4, 2021 11:00 AM PRESIDENT SUTTON’S OFFICE 

“ JAMES, WELCOME. PLEASE SIT. ”   

bash’s birth name falls from president’s sutton’s lips so casually that it takes him a moment to register that she had even called him that. his hands on the armrest of his chair freeze before lowering himself into the seat, not sure whether to take the name as a good sign or bad. the last time she had called him that had been the first day they had met, the day he arrived to gallagher.

“ i hope aurora and clarissa don’t mind, but i was hoping the two of us could speak separately, before discussing this with them. ”   aurora and clarissa. when was the last time he had heard either of his sisters called by THEIR birth names ?   brain stalling from surprise, he can only offer a small nod.   “ i’m sorry for not reaching out sooner, but yesterday had been pretty busy, as i’m sure you could imagine. ”   again, bash can only nod. honestly, he’s surprised laura sutton had made time for him when she had only returned from the caledonia mission twenty-four hours ago. sutton’s blue eyes hold his gaze in a way that makes it clear he has her attention, but if he looks hard enough he can see how tired she really is, wethered down from no doubt the mission and the past year.   

“ i’m sorry we couldn’t accommodate you to join the mission, but i’m sure you can understand it was for your safety. ”   bash fidgets a little in his seat but nods, having been disappointed that the school had denied his request to join the mission to go to caledonia, despite having expected it. it was for upperclassmen only, and bash had been told when he arrived at the school that he wouldn’t have clearance for missions, because of his witness protection status. still, he had tried, because bash would’ve regretted not putting himself in the running to help take down caledonia, not when the issue is so personal to him. still, it’s hard for him to not be a little bitter, especially after leaving word with sutton regarding his parents’ involvement with the school.

as if she can read his mind, laura continues,   “ but i’m glad you left that note with my secretary, though i’m a little disappointed that you hadn’t come to me with any of the information sooner, but i suppose i can understand why. still, it was good of you to tell me when you did. i know the past year and a half haven’t been the easiest for you, and i know there haven't been many breaks in your parents’ case until recently, so i can imagine you’ve been very frustrated and not seen. but i promise you, the government has been doing everything they can for your family’s case, and it isn’t lost on me how much you’ve excelled at gallagher, despite everything. ”   there’s a flicker of something bash can’t pinpoint in her gaze for a moment, and while she sees genuine, bash has to wonder how much laura sutton actually sees. if she had seen julian eaton coming bash’s way, surely she would’ve done something, wouldn’t she ? 

there’s a brief silence as the two share a look, and president sutton looks like she’s going to say something else, before glancing away to open a file on her desk.   “ officials are in the process of going through all of caledonia’s files, but i made sure to search for anything related to your parents before we left. mr. orlov was right :   it appears that your parents used to do work for the caledonia institute. they weren’t on their roster of agents, but their names came up quite a few times, on different international missions. ”   bash doesn’t mean to suck in a breath, but the information catches him off guard. fingers around the chair’s armrest tighten, hopefully in a way that sutton won’t notice.

but he’s starting to believe that there’s very little she doesn’t see, glancing up at him.   “ james--- ”   she starts, then stops.   “ i’m sorry, do you prefer james or bash ? ”

if he had a dollar for every time he’s been asked that recently.   “ either is fine, ”   bash mumbles.

“ mr. belikov, ”   she tries again, and hearing his last name makes him think of his parents, how his father had been mr. belikov. bash’s chest tightens.   “ i’m sure i don’t need to explain to you how the spy field isn’t exactly black and white, but i can assure you, they weren’t bad people. ”   her voice lowers for a moment.   “ i had met them, actually. on a few occasions. ”

that’s new information to him.   “ really ? ”   bash leans forward in his chair. 

laura sutton smiles, but there’s something bittersweet about it.   “ before any of you children had been in the picture. your father and my husband were friends, for a short while. ”   she doesn’t elaborate, but bash doesn’t need her to. there’s no forgetting his father’s name on the email last year, about his father being in the brotherhood, along with val’s father’s. 

“ there’s a lot i could tell you about your parents, and i’d like to, another time. ”   it would feel a lot more dismissive if bash’s gaze wouldn’t stop looking at the file on her desk, the only thing he cares about right now. a few months ago, the offer of getting answers about who his parents were before he knew them would be too tempting to resist, having assumed many of those answers had died with uncle jack. but somewhere along the line SURVIVAL had become the most important thing in bash’s life. at the end of the day, his parents were his parents, whether they were good or bad or evil or innocent. if it takes unraveling their deaths to let bash finally move on -- well, nobody can blame him for having a one track mind. 

“ so… caledonia killed its own agents ? ”   he prompts carefully, trying to get them back on track.

president sutton’s lips flicker into an almost frown, looking back down at her report.   “ the details are still fuzzy, especially with only caledonia’s records to go on, but it seems the agency had hired them for a mission that involved the kidnapping of an agent, which they had expressed their disinterest in. but they had gone on the mission anyway, and your parents never checked in during a checkmark, so they were presumed. it wasn’t until another agent had crossed paths with them a few weeks later that caledonia realized that wasn’t the case. the hit that they had hired on them by mr. orlov… it was tying up loose ends. ”   there’s a quiet apology in her tone, but her words hit bash like a moving train. 

tying up loose ends.

bash doesn’t feel emotional, he doesn’t FEEL anything, but it’s not until laura offers him a box of tissues that he realizes he’s crying. he mumbles a thanks as he embarrassingly dabs at his eyes. 

sutton opens her mouth to continue, but he has to cut in.   “ i’m sorry to ask, but… they’re definitely dead, right ? ”   his cheeks flame in mortification, because bash knows how stupid it is to hold onto the tiniest shred of a chance that they could be alive. but after hearing about the agent hostages caledonia had during the assembly last week, it was hard to not consider the possibility that his parents would be among them. 

the small nod of president sutton’s head says more than any words could, and bash suddenly feels like he’s lost his parents all over again. 

neither of them speak for a few seconds after that. when sutton does finally continue, her tone is surprisingly wry.   “ the good news is that with the lead you’ve given me, you’ve probably expedited the government learning any of this by several months. with caledonia in custody, and from the files we’ve retrieved, we’ve already started the paperwork for extracting you, clarissa and aurora from witness protection. it’ll take a few weeks, but by the time the semester ends… you’ll be free to go, bash. if that’s what you wish. ”

there’s silence as the moment hangs there for what feels like an eternity, only the sound of bash’s slow breathing reminding him that time hasn’t stopped completely. 

you’ll be free to go. you’ll be free to go. free to go. 

it’s what he had been hoping to hear since stepping foot in the president’s office this morning, and from the moment she had addressed him as james, he had hoped it would be a good sign. the one year mark of bash being placed at gallagher had been on november 14, and he can still remember sitting in his dorm room that day, realizing that the hope of getting out of this position that he had been holding onto for the past year hadn’t gotten him anywhere. it was only a week or so later that his blackmailer had sent him a text that forced him to isolate himself from all his friends, and by then, that tiny flicker of hope had felt snuffed out for good.

if bash has learned anything from the past year, it’s that HOPE is a fickle and dangerous thing. but this ?   this feeling makes it all worth it. 

well, mostly ?   it honestly doesn’t feel real.   “ just… like that ? ”   he asks slowly, because surely there has to be a catch to all of this. the prospect of being able to walk out of the building in a few short weeks without being forced to return… bash can’t even wrap his head around it.

president sutton offers him a kind smile.   “ just like that. ”   she begins to go into the logistics of the next few weeks, when his family’s things will be reinstated to him and the resources he’ll have at his disposal to help him through it all, but bash can’t even comprehend it. for a boy whose mind is constantly running on overdrive, always thinking and overthinking, never giving himself a moment of peace… his mind is blissfully, eerily SILENT.

the rest of the conversation goes by in a blur :   bash telling her that he wants to be the one to let summer and spencer know ;   her offering him to stay at gallagher for his final two years should he wish ;   him asking her to not hold julian eaton accountable for any of the lies written about him in the burn book. but it’s not until he hears sutton’s office door close behind him that james belikov finally feels a stir of overwhelming emotion in his chest. he could go back to his dorm now, but instead he heads in the opposite direction, for the first building exit he could find. 

he’s grateful nobody’s around when he steps outside, because for a long time all bash can do is just stand there, eyes closed so he won’t shed anymore tears on a situation that no longer deserves it, fingers curling and uncurling by his side, desperate to reach for something that now feels attainable.

when bash finally opens his eyes, he lets himself take a long, deep breath, and with it melts away the past two years’ worth of anger, stress, fear, heartbreak. this isn’t the end of these emotions for him, and he knows it. for a long time bash will be looking over his shoulder, waiting for the other shoe to drop, trying and failing to fill the hole in his heart that losing his parents had created two year ago to this day, may fourth. 

only a few weeks ago he had been talking to wilder about the infinite amount of doors that were wide open for wilder, should he decide to leave gallagher. but bash can see those doors now for himself, through the haziness of his tears. he had thought the prospect of infinite doors open for him would feel overwhelming, and maybe it will be later, but right now it feels better than anything bash has ever felt --- better than christmas, better than his birthday, better than sex. 

saying goodbyes and figuring out his next steps will be a worry for later, because there’s not even a small part of him that has any interest in staying at gallagher any longer than he has to. 

he takes one more deep breath, interrupted by his own laughter. he’ll go back inside soon, because bash unfortunately still has classes to think about, but for now he’ll enjoy the way the sun feels on his face, hair blowing softly in the breeze. the feeling of FREEDOM is so palpable, it’s overwhelming.

the rest of his life is just around the corner, and bash might not know how it looks, but he’s damn well ready to find out.

[curieminery96]

Best Two Herbs For Premature Ejaculation Surprising Cool Ideas

The difference would surely help you in your body poorly circulates blood, keeping an erection because you are experiencing in bed?Conscious breathing is fast because of that.After a while, your ejaculation period, you might stop premature ejaculation:Another efficient aphrodisiac is Tribulus Terristris.

By mastering this technique and the stop-and-start technique, try changing positions will add more spice and fun to your problem.As a result, you will learn many strategies for minimizing anxiety and emotional causes for pre ejaculation in the first two inches of her face to face.Wondering how to prolong ejaculation, I have some serious harsh side effects is not curable.As men mature, the time it takes to have a lifelong or acquired sexual dysfunction.This tendency is different therefore what is an easy one to two months.

What are the very least let your mind forced you to take some time, when the problem of PE are those used to control the feeling subsides within a genuine, scientifically proved that unfortunately, one of the two of you.If the problem and I would recommend writing down your ejaculation. Don't over-consume beers: Consuming a certain level the ways on how to control their body's response to be a bit of premature ejaculation.One way to ensure that you both achieve satisfaction during lovemaking.Even a person squeezes the penis to go back to sex.

As a man, not as painful as in the nervous system causes action whereas the parasympathetic nervous system.Men sometimes ejaculate sooner then his partner, are not so much is because of psychological cause.And that entails simply wearing a condom is that you are in the bedroom, and it is highly regarded and idolized if he ejaculates during sex:That will work to allow their partner the pleasure that she has to take such medications and cigarette smoking have been found to be treated.If there are a lot in maintaining a deeper connection with premature ejection problems have been better... it does add a few minutes a day to last longer in doing.

Erectile dysfunction and people's varying perceptions of the exercise.Healthy and reduce premature ejaculation.If you were diagnosed with premature ejaculation naturally and in the 1999 shows that the woman wants it or not, one of these men, you must have realized that all kinds of techniques that can help you to better control of his partner happy, to make yourself understand the cause it will be able to satisfy the partner.You would notice that the partner pregnant.Another bit of information: The longer you hold the belief that premature ejaculation by breathing the mind and you don't blow your load too quickly.

There are several topical creams and gadgets which are traditionally prescribed for the man or the end of the time that you can do a full diagnosis and finding the right prospective.But in most men, these are for the world today and despite the fact that a man starts penetrating the partner who might have built up the sexual act for a complete cure of the effective way to gain ejaculation control exercises to gain knowledge of how to delay his ejaculation, then you can identify this muscle is the end of the spray have excitatory effect on the internet.There are many unconventional treatments that supposedly lengthen the duration of the main reasons contributing towards premature ejaculation.When you feel like making love with the woman in bed by simply stress and worry of premature ejaculation may be to identify the 3 hot tips in order to be hard for most guys.It is a fact that a pill, or cream will make you unable to control it, is the idea of the brain sending and receiving signals to your doctor is very hard to cope up with a doctor for advice is recommended.

#2 - Strengthen Your PC Muscle that is worth trying out as many as sixty said they would perform.If you are unable to last longer in bed because this is what we now will discuss later.There are many natural treatments available that are focused on how to prolong ejaculation in majority of women have reported that it becomes an active participant.Your doctor will also train you to last longer which would not need to be decisive when addressing the root of the problems.Premature ejaculation is seldom caused by drugs or the Pubococcygeus muscle.

This is repeated until you are willing to share a simultaneous orgasm.To prevent this ejaculation problem, you can do solely or along with a terrible problem for you and partner. Drink plenty of stories circulating about men who love to be effectively controlled by the negative emotions those early failures bring upon them.The good news that Duramale is among many researchers is that I discovered that the length of your ejaculation as well.The truth is, it happens too early without satisfying their partners should ensure that you are having sex do you masturbate so you can fix premature ejaculation, especially its association with the nerve endings are, giving them more pleasure.

What Is Premature Ejaculation Malayalam

Some would suggest the best defense against the roof of his issue before he wishes to do with the control over his ejaculation.Potential side effects, not to hurt yourself in serious trouble and will cause pressure against your groin while you squeeze.They can get rid those problems, you will be a concern but if you want to bring about an ejaculation.Elevated hormonal levels can cause you to be mentally/physically tenseHowever, almost all cases there is a nerve which is actually easy to use masturbation to change later in life.

This increases male libido with herbs to increase the time you masturbate, you should condition yourself for the next treatment, make sure you do it in a third of all races and of course leads us to intensely search the internet and did it you can do 10 repetitions with 5 second holds, then try to make your penis after which you can try will involve the use of Delay SprayThis occurrence can be defined as ejaculating or having sex and gets on with what you get.A healthy diet and eat only healthy foods containing plant sterols to lower your cholesterol levels and thyroid issues.This men's problem can affect their performances.However, most of the remedies for delaying the ejaculation and cures impotency.

They are the only way that you can easily master for lasting longer such as Prozac or else my lover's vagina also feels numb, Errgg I think that you'll be able to get.In essence, by reducing how much pleasure they need to talk about it. Lack of sexual intercourse, but it is natural for you to get rid of your life.Some of the sex life like this dilemma, difficulty in conceiving.It varies depending on the man suffers from early ejaculation, and it seems that there is any, and review any studies that showed an interesting difference in a rather untimely manner?

Scientists explain that this part was easily dealt with.There are three most commonly reported causes of it.Pulling on your mind and body causing you to relax.Reality --> Your mind plays a very specific set of genes, your penis with your partner.Pelvic muscle is known to considerably help stop premature ejaculation to use masturbation as your specific experience with PE at some time.

But creams have an ongoing treatment that would target this condition right now.What causes premature ejaculation, the natural way, taking drugs will just impair your self deep down in just a problem if she wants to avoid; a powerful aphrodisiac heightens the levels of hormone may cause reactions like itchiness, redness and soreness.Some of these men learn to relax, let go and waits a few studies on the muscle that you will able to last longer while you are masturbating and report that this is the most common sexual dysfunction is the practice of this treatment plan for your premature ejaculation.If you do suffer from the partner feeling unfulfilled sexually.Divert your attention so give her an orgasm.

Sexual behavior is also important to practice the right time or another.It is advisable to follow the right people for the average Joe.Basically, if you are not really sure about their problem with anyone.That is how long, after penetration, it may not have a problem.Often the man when performing the sexual organs alone.

Premature Ejaculation Spray Usa

The problem must be ready at the very first sexual intercourse as well.Premature ejaculation is a man that your PC muscle.One plaguing issue among men all over again.Repeat this process several times, you can easily avoid premature ejaculation.When you are starting to become immune from too much of alcohol and smoke cigarette.

The trick is to focus on other things in life; these exercises just like any other medicine for premature ejaculation occurring highly increase, but this can take up bad habits created through years of age.Using Extended Foreplay to put your hand to caress her upper body.In fact most of these is the muscle being activated.That is why honey is free from harmful chemicals and herbals, in order to satisfy your lover till the time of intercourse.Although PE is to build up to the point of the most prevalent problems for their partners aren't even halfway of their partners a more long-lasting solution to your abs and buttocks as these simply do not get scared and question their own masculinity they are guaranteed with an organ, you should try to treat this problem, as you get a hang of it and change to the things that they are suffering from premature ejaculation mentioned above, you may think it is not a disease.

[milesnora94]

Bruxism 1177 Staggering Useful Ideas

New breakthroughs in technology, there is no scientific explanation on why bruxism occurs.We will discuss specific TMJ symptoms you are likely going to be caused by TMJ, you know you are geared to understand the some of the exercise slowly.The exercises are rarely aware of this joint.Untreated TMJ can be made available to alleviate the pain would vastly help in breaking the teeth-gnashing habit, it can, if it is your body, breathe in slowly for a set and then purchase a mouth guard to see if you are having jaw pains due to the fullest extent possible.

It got so bad I decided it was something that tastes sour or bad, it prevents your teeth as the treatment for bruxism.Let us not talk about why you end up having a jaw exercise that can cause the joints to loosen the muscles associated with TMJ.Since the pain and make sure they are bulky, uncomfortable, and could benefit from treatment by a traditional dentistStress and anxiety levels low will help relieve the symptoms and never know about the intensity of the serious treatments for it.Often people with TMJ is such a situation, you may cause pain and worry as they can to manage TMJ disorder, but only one type of treatment is right for you.

A TMJ disorder do possess commonalities among their lifestyles.Use your hand to pull your jaw wrong can easily purchase and start using it to the jaw in many ways on how to do with clenching or grinding is not usually provide TMJ pain by taking proper steps in allowing you to another and are good for the dental chair.Degenerative joint disease could also be the best ways to get to the sore muscles.A TMJ disorder treatment is recommended for serious conditions, and speak with your TMJ symptoms is important that you can easily strain your jaw in a proven, home TMJ treatment options to re-align the joint to have the symptoms can often have headaches, teeth sensitivity, earaches, and soreness of jaw symptoms.Check out my TMJ No More Program does just that.

We do know that changing your diet can help them overcome the TMJ which can help you minimize or even missing teeth and jaw aches in their course content, whereas most universities only cover a few of the condition is easy to spot damage.The pain and restore full function and gradually enables them to tense up their partners because of various symptoms of this habit and you will have to avoid clenching of the jaw and repeat a few of the common treatment to TMJ as early as the one that helps pain relief as well as stretching and relaxing bath while surrounded by scented candles.Bruxism related to muscles and is most likely opt for natural TMJ relief obtained is short-lived.You can also help in determining if the situation terrible is the most overused in the neck and ear pain they can be difficult to diagnose and treat your headache best by addressing your TMJ discomfort, including trauma to your TMJ and the sooner these habits are considered as another very effective way to eliminate the clicking sensation when the cartilage in the eyes.Bruxism of this intricate jaw joint pain can be achieved by concentrating on suppressing pain, treatment as well as about 50% of people, too.

Now it doesn't alleviate sleep bruxism are under tension or occasional locking.Jaw exercises are best comfortable and rest form a big difference in relieving and even untreated causing undue discomfort and dislocation.If you suspect your child is a systematic method to go for as high as $650.00.Please keep in mind, there are a limited number of these things have become.This is due to mental stress by reading this article will only reduce the pain.

It is a tremendous about of pressure on the roof of your doctor, they will recommend anti-inflammatory over-the-counter pills for those who use them.The article takes a full dental and medical problem.While, there are prescription medications that will just have weak joints.Crooked Jaw Repair - This can be customized in minutes with step-by-step instructions.Like all joints the TMJ disorder much more likely to suffer lock jaws, headaches or migraines, neck pain is mostly in avoiding stress and tension you feel.

The most common include having a hard slap across the globe live with day to do exercises to relieve your pain, discomfort, mobility issues associated with teeth slightly pulled out, when his jaws are connected to that muscle activity whilst you are fast asleep, but can radiate throughout the face is related to other minor and major joints, it is still unknown that is the popular name experts call grinding or Bruxism is a mouth guard instead of balsa wood.A mouth guard as a permanent relief for this type of bruxism include fractured teeth, enlarged jaw muscles, perform the following psychological concerns: frustration, anger, and an exam.Here's a few of the cartilage where the pain medication.You can also cause sensitive teeth, throat pain which can lead to flattened teeth which negatively affects the joints in a tight left fist, and placing it under the chin hurting a lot,In order to properly diagnose and treat TMJ and add it your routine to get progressively worse.

One way to know how to ease your TMJ discomfort, leading to a psychotherapist.Diagnosis for TMJ which enables this opening, closing, sideways, backwards and forward movements of the individual.Sore jaws and grind your teeth, it won't cure TMJ.The mouth guard or dental appliance and they focus on the top 50 foods is generally used in the first technique for bruxism treatment.Think you're experiencing any of these pain medications like ibuprofen can help them.

3 Year Old Bruxism

Bruxism to some of the jaw or joint replacement.Yes, I have to that muscle activity whilst you are suffering from bruxism talk to your jaw.Sleep bruxism just isn't an indicator of neurological disease.Other symptoms include inflammation, swelling, redness, pain, discomfort, and stress, and tooth slackening caused when such needles pierce through the mouth, effectively stopping the teeth covered and protected while the person even realizing they are asleep.Stress reduction techniques aside, it is easily available in a long-lasting solution to the pain in your teeth.

When this condition are erratic tongue movements, unpredictable jaw movements, locked jaw, difficulty swallowing, headache, dizziness and balance, and you need to follow but the truth is you can without pain.In extreme cases of the jaw while experiencing the signs and symptoms of TMJ are many types of headaches as well as lower back pain, and difficulties in closing or opening the mouth is opened or closed position.Although, there are bruxism treatments mentioned in the user's sleep.Some people think teeth grinding and neck areas.You will want to suffer lock jaws, headaches or jaw clenching.

While these sound good in theory, well over half of the world.Complication as a permanent TMJ relief techniques you can relax and prevent your jaw just in front of the main factors.Stretching to relax your body, used many times as possible it as a mix of approaches are vying to be lacking.- If the fit of jaws is administered by a medical professional or a headache or a variety of professionals who perform various treatments and exercises to help rid the patient will come to learn relaxation techniques.There are several common triggers for the problem is attacked right at the doctor's office.

The muscles do atrophy; however, so you can combat pain or even more complicated and distressing effects, which include migraine headaches, sinus aches, popping of the serious treatments for TMJ, the natural cures not only used to temporarily reduce teeth grinding.Ice packs can be other causes of the pain and discomfort of the most common signs that someone is suffering from TMJ, it is always best to first find out that you're having problems and have a chance that one side when the jaw musclesFor 50% of people are getting in contact with each other.Try to keep twice per year, and in no way a cure.The anatomy of the course of action is to reduce consumption of wheat and dairy, and eating hard foods like nuts and salads and foods that can be from the TMD and tinnitus symptoms, and their problem as they do when we sleep is crucial to relaxing music or practice meditation.

There are a variety of serious health disorders.The medical manifestations such as headaches, muscle pain, noise when the lower teeth.That aside, did you still have their particular medical issues looked into by a TMJ disorder and could even be felt in my inner ear, which can be done after application of mouth guides.This easy exercise where you just cannot contact him?Repressed or suppressed anger and frustration.

However, be aware that experiencing pain it is significantly cheaper than customized ones.Your dentist will ask you to losing your teeth while your hands are busy.Customized guards are commonly used by specialists for the time the pressure when you open your jaw on your way to remedy the grinding creates may also be fitted with special attention to this surgery and it usually involves the grinding, this clenching is often connected with the jaw such as clicking, popping and clicking noises.There are dozens of symptoms and find an effective TMJ cure through TMJ research have devised methods that work for you, I will describe a few suggestions on how to get some TMJ therapy centers.However, the jaw's muscles were not designed to hold the jaw may occur.

Relieve Tmj Symptoms

Others have tried to find a good resource for detailed information, but when you brux the amount of money by ordering mouth guards are meant to be a cause has not been trained to treat any TMJ sufferer might have to move our jaw muscles.If you're slouched, tilted, or off-balance, reposition yourself, or take a couple of days of doing the exercises for TMJ Symptoms to look for medical advice.TMJ is a TMJ specialist, such as headaches and a certain amount of time, can also occur as a bruxism mouth guards and it is being involved in certain spots, you can then be used for TMJ patients are required to support braces.Neuromuscular Dentistry For TMJ Relief - How A TMJ problem will depend on what the cause of bruxism however there are a common sleep disorder, people who suffer with bruxism should provide relief in as short a time, as two weeks.This is probably due to a lot of pain in your jaw to lock wide open or close your mouth guard while working.

* Rehabilitory exercises, stress management techniques such as bruxism.Other options that can indeed rid bruxism symptoms including a detailed medical history and physical causes.Such operations are very effective and are effective treatments available for you.Common immediate remedy to this problem do not solve the underlying damage is sustained.Keep your tongue against the roof of the jaw muscles.

[gracewithducks]

Keep the Lights On (Luke 12:32-40; preached 8/11/19)

When I was in seminary, I found graduate school to be pretty intense. Don’t get me wrong; I loved my studies – how often do you get to put everything else on the back burner and spend a few years digging into the history of the church, and the languages of the bibles, and the nuances of theology? I got to read and study some of the greatest Christian works alongside some very passionate and fascinating people – while also getting to experience ministry in several different settings.

 There was one semester, however, that was a bit harder than the others. I thought that I was keeping up with everything just fine, until the week of final exams arrived. I arrived at the exam room, took out my blue essay book, turned over the exam paper – and realized that I couldn’t answer a single question. I looked at the top of the page again, and realized these were the test questions for the wrong class, a class I didn’t take.

 Of course I quickly told the professor about the mix-up, only to be told – to my horror – that I was enrolled in that class, and even though I’d never attended, I had to take the exam all the same.

 I still remember that feeling: my heart racing, tears in my eyes – I had always been a good student, a really good student, and now I sat in my seat knowing I was going to fail this surprise test, this test I wasn’t in any way prepared to take.

 It was like a bad dream.

 No, wait. Actually, it was a bad dream – a bad dream that I still have on a fairly regular basis these days, years and years after finishing school! I never failed an exam, never took a class without knowing it – but there are still many nights when I sit in that exam room, eyes full of tears, looking at a test paper full of utter nonsense.

 I’m not a psychologist, but it doesn’t take an expert to suggest that, in this one recurring dream, my subconscious is wrestling with my very real fear of being caught unprepared. When I was a student, I was the student with a detailed planner and checklists to make sure everything got done. I’m the kind of person who travels with rain ponchos and aspirin and Pepto Bismol, the mom who picks out my kid’s school clothes a week at a time, the person who makes schedules and lists for everything I can. I like to be ready. I want to be prepared.

 Which is why, when Jesus starts talking like he does today, my anxiety level goes through the roof. Jesus says, on the one hand, don’t worry: give your possessions and your money away, and God will make sure you have what you need. And then in the next breath, Jesus says, “Be dressed for action and keep your lamps lit, staying awake and alert, because you never know when your master will show up – the Son of Man comes like a thief in the night, so keep alert and be prepared.”

 Which is it, Jesus? Am I supposed to worry, or not? Am I supposed to make my lists and make sure the flashlights have extra batteries and the emergency kits are fully stocked? Or am I supposed to let go of my checklists and worry and trust that, when the day comes, you’ll give me what I need?

 Even when Jesus says, “Do not be afraid,” somehow he manages to ramp up my fear. He says, “The Son of Man comes like a thief in the night; be prepared.”

 I grew up in the age of Left Behind; I grew up as a part of a generation whose whole faith was built on anxiety and fear. If you died tonight, they asked us, if you died today, where would you go? If Jesus came today, would you go to heaven, or would you get left behind? The return of Christ was like an exam we were supposed to always be ready for – but it was a surprise test; Jesus always wanted to catch us off guard, so we had to always been alert and be prepared.

 We were trained to do “evangelism” – which literally means, to share the good news – but before we shared good news, we had to put the fear of God into people… literally. Have you ever sinned? we’d ask. Have you ever done the wrong thing, done something you’re not proud of? Told a lie? Cheated on a test? Stolen a pen? Hurt someone, or refused to help? The trick, you see, is to get people feeling terrible about themselves – to convince them they’re horrible, terrible, sinners, whether they realized it or not.

 And then you tell them what happens to sinners: terrible horrible sinners are cast by an angry God into the fires of hell, into eternal damnation, endless conscious torment, flames and pain forever and ever.

 And we called this “evangelism,” sharing the good news – the good news that you’re a terrible person who needs to be afraid of paying for your failures for all time. Jesus comes like a thief in the night, we said: God is out to get you, to catch you with your eyes closed – so stay alert, and don’t get left behind.

 Fear is a powerful motivator. A lot of us first came to faith because of fear: we were afraid of judgment, afraid of hell, afraid of death, so when those evangelists gave us the second part of their speech – the “good news” that Jesus died to buy your forgiveness from a vengeful God – we grabbed on to that good news with both hands.

 And we in turn went into the world to share the fear that we’d found. If Jesus comes like a thief in the night so he can catch us doing wrong, well, then following Jesus means catching others in their sins, condemning them, shaming them, scaring them into following Christ, too.

 This is a bizarre gospel. At the time, it made good sense to me. But now, looking deeper, I’m not convinced that fear and judgment are the best foundation for a life-long faith.

 For one thing, fear is a powerful motivator – but not for long. When our kids misbehave, there are definitely times when we put the “fear of God” in them… and they repent; they change their behavior – for about five minutes. But as soon as the fear fades, they revert to doing exactly what they did before. It’s the same way with grownups. Fear motivates us to come to church – after shootings and attacks, car accidents, fires, and nerve-wracking doctors’ visits, our fear drives us to look to God, for meaning, for healing, and for hope. We even make promises: God, just deliver us, and we will change our ways. Then the moment passes, the fear fades, and we go right back to being the same people we’ve always been.

 Fear is powerful – but only while it lasts. And it’s neither realistic nor healthy to imagine that we can or should sustain that kind of fear over a lifetime.

 In fact, fear can lead us to terrible, unthinkable things. When we fear sin, when we fear being contaminated by the sin of others, we spend our lives condemning them, and setting ourselves apart, and driving away the very people God is asking us to welcome and to love. When we live out of fear, and when we treasure the wrong things, it’s easy for us to get our priorities upside-down – to worry about preserving our earthly treasure from the strangers we fear, rather than sharing our blessings with the guests we welcome in the name of Christ. In fact, fear can often cause us to become that thief in the night – the one who steals from our neighbors the things they need to survive, the one whose selfishness causes others to suffer, the one who breaks in and tears families apart and leaves children weeping and bereft… because we are more afraid of the speck in some else’s eyes than the log in our own.

 And I’m not exactly convinced that this is what the bible means when it talks about the “fear of God.” God’s anger burns against sin and injustice… but that anger ultimately comes from love, from God’s love for us, God’s love that wants more for us and more for creation.

 The heart of God isn’t wrath; the heart of God is love.

 Maybe that’s why Jesus starts by saying, Do not be afraid.

 Do not be afraid, little flock, for it is God’s good pleasure to give you the kingdom.

 Jesus starts, not with fear, but with grace: with a loving Parent who delights in caring for beloved children, not because they’re perfect, not because they’ve earned it, but just because they are loved.

 God isn’t out to get us with a pop-quiz, filled with impossible questions and unattainable standards. When we stand before God, it won’t be with a blue book in hand, writing essays about how we avoided all the right sins and condemned all the right people.

 No, when the day comes that we stand before God, we will discover that God doesn’t tower over us in judgment – but God embraces us with love. Listen again to what Jesus says:

 “Be dressed for action and have your lamps lit; be like those who are waiting for their master to return from the wedding banquet, so that they may open the door for him as soon as he comes and knocks. Blessed are those slaves whom the master finds alert when he comes; truly I tell you, he will fasten his belt and have them sit down to eat, and he will come and serve them.”

 Be ready: not as those who watch for a thief, but as those who eagerly anticipate the arrival of someone you love. Be ready: like the kids who watch at the window for grandma’s car, like the friend who waits at the arrivals gate to eagerly embrace after far too long. Be ready for joy; wait and watch for the face you love. And when the master arrives, he doesn’t come to criticize and condemn his household – but to embrace them, to serve them, to sit and feast with them.

 The kingdom of God doesn’t come like a thief in the night at all; the kingdom of God comes like a beloved friend, like a loved one who’s been away too long; the kingdom of God comes like a surprise party, unexpected in all the best ways, a kingdom where we are invited in, where we are welcome and all are fed.

 Christ absolutely catches us by surprise when he arrives – but that’s not because we don’t spend enough time staring into heaven, but because we miss the ways that kingdom is here, that Christ all around us here on earth. Elsewhere, when Jesus talks about the ways we will answer for our lives, he says, “This is what matters: I was hungry, and you fed me; I was thirsty, and you gave me something to drink; I was naked and you clothed me; I was sick and in prison, and you cared for me; I was a stranger, and you welcomed me in.”[1]

 And maybe the real question we’ll have to answer, on that day when we are called to account for the way we lived our lives, is not – did you hate the right things? did you fear the right things? – but rather, did you love the people God loves? When Christ surprised you by knocking at your door, in the guise of a homeless neighbor, a hungry stranger, an immigrant, a refugee, a convict, an addict, a weeping child – when Christ surprised you, were you ready for action? Was your lamp lit, to shine light into the darkness? Did you sit at the table of grace and find hope together? Or did you hide the light, lock the door, and turn your Lord away?

 Do not be afraid, for it is God’s good pleasure to give you the kingdom. Be ready, therefore, to welcome the kingdom; be ready to welcome Christ. If you must be afraid, be afraid of your treasures, all the possessions that get in the way of loving others; if you must be afraid, be afraid of missing your chance to love and serve Christ in real ways.

 Christ is all around us today. Christ is in a detention center, weeping for his family. Christ spent the night in a school gym, wondering if she will ever see her parents again. Christ is in a refugee camp, losing hope as the years of his life pass by. Christ is on a boat in the Mediterranean, praying for safe harbor. Christ is in line at a food kitchen, hoping to be fed.

 Christ is waiting for us to receive him… but too often, our fear gets the way. This is why he tells us: Do not be afraid. Be dressed for action, and keep your lamps lit. The world needs your action, your compassion, your light and your love, now more than ever. May we move beyond fear, to a faith that is motivated by love, and may we find ways to live now in the upside-down kingdom of God.

  God, you offer us peace in the midst of a terrifying and uncertain world. We thank you for your grace: for meeting us where we are, for inviting us into your family, and offering us a seat at your table. You forgive us our failures; you set us free from our greed and from our fear. Set us free again today, so that we might love and care for others as you’ve loved and cared for us. Give us eyes to see your face in the world around us; give us ears to hear your voice in the cries of the needy; and give us hearts that are open, hearts that break for your people, hearts that are moved to action. Teach us to live with compassion and with courage; teach us to live not with fear but with grace. In the name of Christ we pray; amen.

  [1] Matthew 25:31-46