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heads-in-the-clouds-spacecadet · 4 years

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When asked to write a daily diary for anxiety management.

Here are a few days example....

Sunday 24th

Mood/anxiety = numb.

Additional meds =8mg of diazipam.

My whole body aches yet it shouldn't. My stomach is growling yet i feel physically sick.

Things i ask myself....

Q.1 Will i leave my safe space, weighted blanket & mountain of pillows?

A.1 NO.

Q.2 Will i manage my yoga routine

A.2 NO

Reasons....Why

I feel exhausted even though ive not been outside since Thursday. I just want the aching to subside the pain to leave. My jaw is clenched closed making eating an ordeal. I know this needs to be done.

The dread of what passive aggressive message/s ill receive today either in person or written either way im struggling to motivate myself to move.

The Internet has been blocked for nearly a wk now. But i just let it slide as the saying goes choose your arguements "wifi is not the hill i want to die on" quote from TBBT. I hear Luke (my brother) is now in his bedroom and his door is closed. He has been banging around the house sending passive aggressive messages (sms) since 4am. My belongings that i left downstairs were thrown into my room. I'm nervous to leave my room till i know he is asleep.

Flashback/negative thoughts....

1. How can my baby brother be an emotional manipulator.

2. Last time i had to justify my everymove i was in Portugal in a very bad relationship.

*****Ways im looking to excuse his behaviour. Find the cause to my sudden crash of low mood aka depression with a nice battle of anxiety.

---Logically i know its not the same.

---Emotionally it hurts the same.

The way he looks at me with disgust, resentment & impatience is the trigger. I realise this. How someone you love can make you feel this way.

Solution: i decide to find a solution to the sudden conflict of money and i know there is a receipt in the car. I go to the normal place the keys are kept and theyre no where to be found. I look in all the obvious logical places they could be and realise theyre hidden by my loving brother. His Reasons, 1-to stop me buying shit (his words). 2. He has decided its his house, his car so therefore his rules. (Its all my mums btw)

As im downstairs i notice the kitchen is a mess. Pots all over from a feast Luke cooked up the night before. Or should i say 2am.

So i feel defeated. Ive basically been cleaning non stop everytime i use a room as per gov guidelines and he just doesnt seem to comprehend the severity of the situation.

I decide i need to eat. So i opt for Shreddies with Oat Milk (Luke has a serious milk allergy to the milk proteins in cows milk so im not fussed about milk and am happy to use alternatives) topped with vanilla soya yogurt, bannana, a few cranberries, 3 strawberries, sultanas and crushed Almonds. My logical brain is telling me eat well as we are not leaving the bedroom again unless desperate.

I send a few messages to the family whats app (Luke refuses to be a part of this) and receive encouraging and support in return. Everyone is struggling in their own way so i appreciate having a small outlet between us all.

After food i sleep finally.

Trying now to Ready myself for round 2 which i know is coming.

My mum calls i dont want to answer but i do. I explain the situation. She knows, she has dealt with his angry behaviour since he was 11yrs old. She stated she is coming to visit Tuesday as per new gov guidelines and we will meet in the park. She then asks me to pass the phone to Luke which i pointblank refuse. Im not ready for round 2 yet. Especially since he has his own phone he is just not answering making everyone worry about him but he just resents it. Its safe to say im proud i refused to do something. Gold star award ⭐

Monday 25th

Mood/Anxiety - still no change from yesterday but i decide i have to force myself to move. Wash, clean and pack the additional things my mum has requested.

Additional meds - i decided against taking anything today as i need to be clear headed for my appointment Tues and obvs my mums visit.

I check the weather see its a nice day decide washing is task 1. I set a bath running (multi tasking saving time from all the free time) and head downstairs to pop the washing machine on. Before i left my room i checked my phone for messages i have one from my mum telling me she has had words with Luke and that he needs to basically deal with the resentment in a more positive way.

This explains all the banging and loud music yesterday early eve. He decided to actually clean.

Anyhow I head downstairs. Kitchen is clean, messages all wiped from the black board.

I decide i must try and communicate with Luke as we cant take the conflict with us to the park it isnt fair to our mum.

I can hear him moving so send a sms message asking if he wants anything in the oven. No response. ***He did finally get out of bed at 3pm so a peaceful day so far.

I decide food is required. I opt for protein soya burgers x2 with Spinach, tomatos, avacado, sultanas, almond pieces and some crumpets. I sit in the garden to eat.

All washing is out and drying but im to anxiety ridden and unmotivated to enjoy the sunshine.

I head back to my room to sort bits for my mum and throw away my origami collection. It was over taking my room and again causing conflict.

Lukes awake!!!. I decide to say hello. So far so good. He decides to make himself lunch and throws a fit because i ate a £0.45 avocado. I walk away as i know he is just venting and i need to not start the circle of negative thoughts or interactions. This is rewarded with resentment. Luke suddenly decides to do his own washing and cut the grass. Which means my washing is in his way. Before he even starts i am pulling in whats dry mainly because i want to go back to bed and need my bedsheets but also because he wont care if my washing turns green or is damaged. To my delight my sheets are dry but my pjs etc need another 30mins so i leave them whilst i go and make my bed.

Im bellowed at about washing as Luke needs the line. So i head down stairs to reteive the rest of my belongings.

Self soothing thoughts...

Im walking on eggshells trying not to provoke the beast and i need to keep going. Focus on my achievements. I left my room. I cleaned myself, my clothing and my pillow fort which has been my safe zone for the past 4days.

Deep down thought i am disappointed as i know isolation and distancing is not a long turn solution as the yrs pass im becoming more and more isolated and lonely.

Im downstairs again and i ask Luke if he wants anything popping in the oven as i was having toast. He requested 2 burgers and chips but on seperate trays as he was hungry. Easy to do popped into the oven. 40mins later chips are cooked he is plating up and all he says is "why have you cooked so many chips, clearly we now live in a household of wastefulness".

This was the turning point for me id had enough for 1day and just told him to give it a rest and went to my room.

Im dozing with Big Bang on in the backround and Luke is banging on my door. Mums on the phone. Confirming arrangements for tomorrow. I say a few oks with the occasional nod.

I start packing the bits n bobs my mum has asked for and carry then downstairs so theyre ready for the car tomorrow am.

Its PJs and bed time. Luke has other ideas. He is awake and up and about at 4.30am. Having a bath at 5am, doing weights after his bath at 6am then leaves in the car at 7am. He is back around 8am banging has a shower then decides to leave again in the car. He is meant to be house-bound until July 1st. This in itself causes me anxiety as i cant handle watching another member of my family die in front of my eyes.

Thoughts...

Yes this is VERY dramatic. STOP IT BRAIN!

Take precautions all will be ok.

Tuesday 26th

Mood/Anxiety = No change

Additional meds = 4mg diazipam but late afternoon as i couldnt stop shaking and fidgeting.

My mum is coming to visit. Im trying not to think about the fact Luke is out of the house.

We are having a picnic social distancing style.

We head to the coop as Luke has decided even after knowing our mum all his life never be on time, we have to be early. I buy Costa coffee, fresh bread, hummus, bananas, diet coke and some biscuits the nature valley ones theyre really good. Luke doesnt go into the shop I think at least he is listening to some rules. He rolls his eyes as i spray the shopping with dettol spray and use the alcohol hand sanitizer for my hands and door handle etc. I just tell him its how it needs to be done.

We find a perfect parking spot under a bunch of trees. I notice that all the trees are trimmed in a very even shelf across the bottom. It looked like it was designed perfectly for people to walk straight onto the park from the car park without having to fight with tree branches or go around. But in actual fact its the deer. They eat the lower leaves this made me smile and relax for a moment. WIN.

My mum is late so im nervous that she is

1. Stuck somewhere (over reaction)

2. Lost (over reaction)

3. Just running late (normal reaction)

Im a tad fidgety as im aware i have an appointment in 2hrs. Hurry up MOTHER...

I ponder about work and whether or not ill still have a job to return too. Had an email this am stating theyre cutting 200jobs from the team i work in. So not sure if thats a good thing or not. But its also increasing my anxiety as ive read the email and now have a burning desire to do the research to see what my probability of keeping my job will be. Before my brain can go on a major tangent my mum arrives.

Shes brought Oscar (her poodle) he is so excited to see me. And the big hairy fluff ball gave me the biggest snuggles. He has a major Covid hairdoo. My mum doesnt hug me which hurts but i know she cant.

Picnic time. We sit in the middle.of a field away from everyone. Social distancing 10/10. My mum has made me my favourite cakes, rock buns. (Apparently these are a northern thing) but im feeling the love. Its fairly chilled only 1 disagreement with Luke over blinkin avocados.

Im clock checking and aware of impending appointment, im a little (understated) nervous because ive not had positive relationships with therapists or doctors in the past.

#mental health #lost #hurting #help #self reflection #finelinebetweenloveandhate #still breathing #GAD #recovery #survivor

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jbt7493 · 3 years

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self evaluation: posture is fine. left food asleep. slight headache in temple. mildly upset / in a bad mood. mild disgust ( dinner that i despise the texture of ). slightly underfed but not hungry ( no palate due to bad texture, and drugs ). for a moment, i was feeling my upper arms perfectly. i do not understand my forearms. there are tendons but they’re all very confusing. proprioception is fickle. lower back muscles yearning. slight itch on the blade of my right shin and on the bottom of my right butt cheek. hair is a bit annoying. not great taste in the back of my throat (dinner). feels like but most likely there is nothing in my left eye, slightly tearing up from trying to wash it out by blinking rapidly to produce tears. tummy hurts a bit. i can feel my heart beating.i mainly feel it in the cervical region of my spine, in my shoulders, and in my chest. itch in the outside region connecting my thumb to my main fingers on my left hand. scratched. yawn. teared up slightly. throat hurts- crackling. somewhat dry mouth. itch and expansion of headache on both sides of head above ears. hm. seeing slight spots in my vision, but not from looking at a bright light. headache is fuckin killing me. left side of head, halfway between top of ear and top of head. the slights are blue encased in yellow. when i close my eyes, they.. hmm. i am uncertain. hmmmm.posture regarding small of back was slightly tilted to the lft. fixed. eyes are closed. proprioceptionally, i feel like the center of my body is melting downwards and flowing. arms are unaffected. sight side of face is melting and folding inwards following the path of a slight, slow creek or brook. left side of face is according to the motion of magma slowly pouring down the side of a mountain. left cheekbone is where the effect stops, but on right side, it continues until below the ear. while imagining this, headache has lessened. i am typing all of this with my eyes closed btw so if any of this is wrong i’ll be pisssssssed. where am i on the keyboard? that should have been a question mark. and an h. H. there. my hhead is encircled by a thin golden half crown or tiatra. i spelled that wrong, but i would have made it worse with an additional attempt to fix it. my right shoulder is made from - ah, i feel like the right shoulder is slightly pinched. between the humerous and the. heh. spelled humerus like the word for funny. oh, headache is returning on right side and then faded. right arm is slightly pinched because i need to relax it more and probably stop doing some kind of exercise with it, but i dont know what. right arm is made out of corded white steel, and right fingers are small delicate twigs. left arm is.left arm is just a black mass. right side of chest is slightly uneasy. mouth is dry and throat is sore. from right side of chest, to right shoulder, flowing upwards though he neck and up into the rop of the ghead is green. left sid of head, above the ear but slightly behind it., is itchy. it is green and yellow and red. i am going to itch it. ah, i was wrong about the location. it was slightly closer to the top of the head. like,,, i cant convey it. you cannot understand what i mean. tthe right shoulder is still slightly irritated. i will attempt a stretch?something popped/cracked (in noise, not for real), and it’s still weird. h. h was correct. now it’s in the blade more and less in the arm. all in the blade. blade is.... red, like a medical diagram. it runs through the shoulderblade and my throat, then back to the cervial spine- spelled that wrong. and into the right side of my head, behind and above my eye. top of head slightly to right is itchy.left shoulderblade at bottom right most point is itchy. itching head. h. h was correct. i moved my foot my accident. bottom of left foot, near the feel, slightly to the outside (to the left, on the left foot) is itchy. itchying with right hand.h. i was wrong, it was at the ball of the foot. . my head hurts. i t is only in the temple. i have just uopened my eyes, and without my glsses, it looks as though everything i wrote was gibberish, but i can tell i am typing correctly now. the human hand is a beautiful machine. itching blade of right shin. itching space between right eye and right ear. itching my side under my right ribs. left side of neck, behind cervical spine, aches. muscle ache. it is.. tense. trying to relax muscles. itched top of head but did not fix the itch. ok, this is going on for too long. should i post this? nah, i shouldnt. itching left eye. goddamnit dont itch at your eye. itching left shoudlerblade. alright ill post it. tummy aches. can taste inside of mouth. left side of back of neck aches. itched too heavily on left shoulderblade. temple aches, but dull-ly. left side of head is warm and liquid. top of head aches. left butt cheek and right thigh muscle (quad) ache. especially near the knee. it might be the knee that aches? same place on left thigh itches. collarbone and cheek on left side both itch. nail on left index finger is trimmed too close. right ear feels like theres dead skin in it. temple aches. kinda need to pee. yeah im gonna go pee and then post this. right ankle and ohh my fucking god how do people do this shit man itching is the fucking worstthing in the fucking world oh my god. left thigh itched again. back side of left side of neck itched. inside left ear itched. ok im getting up. time to post this shit

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your-chaotic-prince · 7 years

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Something else

So I probably wasn’t going to write this at first, but a certain Oumasai fan gave me this idea, so credits to her! IAnd this is connected with my Tougane series, mainly the recent one. Btw, if you read my recent one, the series and anymore Oumasai I may do, Ouma is trans in this. Ouma’s POV

Ouma stormed into his room and threw himself down onto the bed, it was pretty damn obvious he was angry!

He had a flashback of what just happened a couple of minutes ago. Tears forming into his eyes as he remembered that awful moment.

Ouma was just relaxing in his room, sipping Panta, he wasn’t arguing or annoying anyone, he was just minding his own business.

Until Tsumugi ran into his room.

"Ouma, I need you to go into the next room, the other boys are there, I need to talk to you all!” She said.

"Is my beloved Saihara-chan there?” Ouma asked, her response was, “Yes, now go in!” She said, shoving him into the room and then walking in.

Then she walked onto an area where they could all see her, then she began to talk, much to Ouma’s chagrin.

"Alright, listen up! My girlfriend is sick so I decided to do her jobs for today! But when I started cleaning I found this!”

Then to Ouma’s shock and horror, she held up a chest binder, which just so happened to of been his own! He couldn’t tell her it was his in public! Oh why did Kirumi get sick? She always minded her own business and just left it under his pillow. How did his ‘mom’ get sick?

"Come clean, which one of you owns it? I won’t judge, but I need to know so I can give it back.”

Ouma didn’t say anything and just remained silent, along with the other boys, who were looking at each other in wonder. They obviously didn’t know it was him.

Ouma could tell Tsumugi was annoyed no one would tell her the truth, but of course they wouldn’t! That’s a private matter! Was she an idiot?

Then he heard her speak again.

"I’m not letting any of you leave until I get the truth! Which one of you owns it? If you don’t, I’ll be forced to watch my videos and try to find out.”

Ouma, along with the other boys, stayed silent, did Tsumugi have videos of ALL the boys? Maybe she would realise that and not check the videos, because he knew that she definitely had a video of him and Saihara! Oh boy….

He heard her speak again, oh boy would she ever shut the fuck up?

"Ugh, I just remembered, I don’t record all of you. Maybe I’ll just judge based on how girly you l-”

That’s when Ouma had enough of Tsumugi’s bullshit, she was being transphobic, probably not on purpose, but she still was! That’s when he called her out.

"Ugh, why are you being transphobic Tsumugi?” Ouma asked her, he received a glare in return.

"I’m not, I just want to know who owns the binder so I can give it back.”

"And you had to get all the boys here just to find out?” Ouma asked her, “Couldn’t you of asked individually?”

Tsumugi looked surprised, Ouma rolled his eyes at her.

He decided to just come clean so she could stop bothering everyone else and hopefully so she could shut the fuck up!

"Well if you want some truths, it’s mine! Saihara can confirm it’s not a lie!” He stormed up to her, snatched the binder from her and stormed off into his room, he heard her yell, “I haven’t even washed it yet!” But he didn’t care, he wasn’t listening.

Ouma shook the memory out of his head and laid his head down on the pillow, unaware of someone walking into his room.

Until the person sat next to him on his bed and started to talk, “I’m sorry about what happened.”

Ouma turned to see his boyfriend Saihara there.

He gently put a plate of cake on his lap, “Here, I went shopping earlier, I feel like you’d be in a bad mood, so I got you this.”

Ouma saw he got him lemon cake, he nodded and took small bites out of it, he wasn’t really hungry and was still a bit hurt, but this helped.

He only managed half a slice before he put it at the side, “I need to sleep.” He said before laying down, Saihara left the room.

Ouma just laid down on the bed, already out of breath, the binder made it harder for him to breathe.

A couple of hours later there was another knock on the door, they let themselves in.

It was Tsumugi!

“Hello Ouma, I talked with Kirumi, she told me that I should apologise to you, I do apologise for appearing transphobic earlier today, I didn’t mean to, I just wanted to know who owned the binder. I should of talked to you all individually.”

Ouma just shunned her, she began to speak again, “Ouma, I’m aware you may be mad at me, but I shouldn’t of done that. From now on, I’m letting Kirumi do all the work.”

Ouma still shunned her, then Saihara walked in, “Tsumugi, I think it’s best if you leave Ouma alone.”

Tsumugi nodded and walked out sadly, Saihara sat next to him.

“I’m sorry Ouma, I should of lied and told her it was mine, then you wouldn’t of been embarrassed.” He said, stroking his hair, then hugging him.

Ouma fell asleep while being hugged, Saihara removed his binder and then let the boy sleep.

“I promise you Ouma, I’ll make sure they treat you properly.” He purred, continuing to stroke his hair. Ouma could honestly feel his heartbeat a lot, as long as he had Saihara, he could deal with Tsumugi’s bullshit.

“I love you Ouma.” Saihara whispered.

“Ditto Saihara,” he yawned before crawling into a little ball then falling asleep. It was extremely peaceful, at that exact moment, no one could hurt him or Saihara, they weren’t doing anything to hurt anyone, and even if they attempted to hurt him.

Either his organisation would ruin their lives, or Saihara would.

He wanted to get revenge on Tsumugi, but how?

He’d work that out one day.

#danganronpa v3 #danganronpa shipping #drv3 #ndrv3 #ouma kokichi #saihara shuichi

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