#my brain's going through it so i'm being silly and sensitive and i promise did not mean to vent asdfg sorry y'all | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

a-blue-secret · 3 years

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GENRES: non-idol au, taegyu are fiances, yeonbin are married, not angsty but sad, but it has a happy ending I promise

PAIRING: taegyu, side of yeonbin

WARNINGS: Descriptions of schizophrenia, Beomgyu is dead before the au begins, Taehyun faints but it's nothing major

WORD COUNT: 7.8k+

A.N.: I understand that mental illness is a sensitive topic. Therefore, I have tried to make my account of it as accurate as possible. If I have gotten anything wrong, please just kindly inform me for the next time I may write something like this. -now on ao3 here-

SUMMARY: “Taehyun, please. All jokes aside. Do you… can you actually see him?” Yeonjun asked seriously.

“What do you mean? Of course. I know my fiance anywhere.”

“Ex-fiance, since he’s dead,” Yeonjun muttered: not bitterly, just in a matter-of-fact way. He rubbed the bridge of his nose and sighed. “Taehyun, do you think Beomgyu may just be, you know, part of your… hallucinations?”

People passed by Taehyun, offering their condolences, smiling sympathetically. He smiled back, slightly confused, but took their condolences in his stride.

"Mr. Kang, I understand you were the fiance of Choi Beomgyu?”

“I- yes, I am,” Taehyun answered the old man, slightly confused. The man’s gaze softened, and he patted Taehyun’s arm reassuringly.

“Choi Beomgyu was a good man. Being here, at his funeral… it reminded me of what a wonderful person he was. I am glad I had the pleasure to teach him and know him, before his untimely passing. My condolences, sir.” The man bowed, smiling at Taehyun as he moved away. Taehyun shook his head, confused. Everyone kept on saying Beomgyu was gone. Gosh, that boy really had tricked so many people.

It was odd, really. Taehyun was sitting at home one minute, peacefully drinking a cup of tea, waiting for Beomgyu to come home, but then the next thing he knew he was standing in a black suit in church, everyone weeping over a mahogany box. He just didn't understand it. Nothing was making sense. Taehyun frowned and rubbed his nose. It all started when that pesky police person turned up at his door one night.

-----

Taehyun opened the door, smiling brightly at the person. "Oh hello! You're one of those…police dudes right?"

"Yes, I-I am. Would you happen to be Kang Taehyun?"

"That would be me. How do you do?"

"I am doing, um, fine thank you very much. May I come in?"

"So you're telling me… Gyu is… what? He's 'passed on'?"

The police officer nodded gravely. "Unfortunately so, sir. We are devastated that it had to happen this way. The other car driver has apologised profusely, says he'll pay whatever compensation you need. I know that you will be devastated by this news, as I understand he was your fiance and to have him go so suddenly-" Taehyun could only stand there as the officer's words washed over him. "-again, our deepest condolences, sir."

Taehyun shook his head. "No. He's not gone."

"I understand that it will be difficult for you to process this-"

"No, you don't understand. He- he can't be gone!" Taehyun looked around, for any piece of evidence that Beomgyu was still alive. Suddenly, his face relaxed into a relieved smile. "You're being silly. He's not gone. He's standing right there!"

"What?”

The officer looked to where Taehyun was pointing, confused. "W-Where?"

Taehyun sighs. Honestly, were they blind? Beomgyu was right there. He could see him standing behind the officer, clear as day. He was going to say so, but then Beomgyu pressed a finger to his lips secretively. Taehyun widened his eyes with understanding. Ah, this must be a prank! They're pranking the officer!

"N-nothing, officer," Taehyun said instead. "I- just my brain playing tricks on me."

The police officer smiles sympathetically. They bow, and head for the door. "My condolences. I'm sure Beomgyu was a great man."

Taehyun smiled and saw the officer out. Once he'd closed the door, he spun around, looking for Beomgyu.

"Darling?" he called. "The police are gone now. You can come out." Beomgyu didn't answer him. Odd. Well, perhaps he was in a tricksy mood today. Taehyun shrugged. "Well, I'm going to bed now. You come up when you're ready." Turning away, he swore he heard Beomgyu's gleeful giggle come from behind him. He turned around, smiling at the sound. "Come on, Gyu," he laughed. "It's late. We should get to bed."

-----

From that day onwards, people that Taehyun and Beomgyu knew would turn up at their doorstep, tear stains on their faces. They'd hand Taehyun gifts, draw him in for big hugs, and even burst into tears. Taehyun didn't quite understand what was going on, but judging from how their friends talked it seemed that Beomgyu had pulled a prank to make everyone believe he had passed away. He accepted the gifts with a slight smile, rubbed their backs when they cried, and allowed himself to be drawn into hugs.

"We'll organise the funeral," Soobin had said tearfully, clutching Taehyun's hands tightly. "We promise to give him the most beautiful send-off. Don't you worry."

Yeonjun had given him kisses on each cheek repeatedly. "Gyu meant so much to us as well. We can only imagine how hard it must be for you."

"We're here for you," Hueningkai had promised. "I know you're probably putting on a brave front for us, but I promise you don't have to. We'll understand if you cry."

Seeing his friends so teary and distraught made Taehyun tear up a little too. Their obviously upset faces made him feel a little guilty about the prank Beomgyu had pulled, so he'd leaned forward confidentially and confessed.

"Guys, it's a prank," he whispered. "Gyu-hyung is still alive. It's all a prank."

His friends had looked at each other in an almost sad way.

"Taehyun-ah," Yeonjun said gently. "Is this… is this how you've been trying to cope?"

Taehyun blinked, confused. "What are you talking about? It is a prank. Beomgyu said so."

Soobin sighed, and wrapped an arm around Taehyun. "It's okay, it's okay. We can't believe it either. There's nothing wrong with trying to imagine he's still here, Taehyun, but it's not healthy. We'll have to accept he's gone."

Taehyun squirmed out of the hug. "No, you don't understand. It is really a prank. I can show you. Beomgyu?" He turned around and called for the elder, walking towards the bottom of the stairs in order for him to yell upstairs. "Darling? Come on, we need to prove to Binnie-hyung and the others that it's a prank. Beomgyu? Come on!”

Soobin walked up to Taehyun and attempted to wrap his arms around him again. "It's okay to be in denial, Taehyun."

"He's just being temperamental," Taehyun explained. "I didn't give him a good morning kiss this morning, so he's grumpy." Taehyun frowned. "Although to be fair, he'd woken up before me and decided he wanted to play hide and seek. So it's not really my fault I didn't have time to give him a kiss."

Soobin looked over at Yeonjun and Hueningkai, who had walked over to join them.

"Babe, he's really in denial," Soobin said to Yeonjun. The eldest simply sighed.

"Look, Taehyun. We'll organise the funeral. Heck, we'll pay for everything, even the gravestone. Okay? It's okay to cry over it. It's okay."

Taehyun looked at him, confused. They really didn't get it, huh? "... Sure. You can do that. But trust me, Gyu'll reveal it's a prank soon enough, so don't actually spend money."

Hueningkai's eyes had welled up, and he suddenly snatched Taehyun out of Soobin's grip and pulled him into a big hug of his own.

"It's okay to be scared, Taehyunie," Hueningkai whispered. "We'll be here for you."

Taehyun didn't know what to say to that. He patted Hueningkai's back comfortingly, letting himself be hugged. "Thanks, Hyuka."

Hueningkai leaned back, but kept his hands on Taehyun's shoulders, looking at him with wet eyes. He smiled through tears. "It'll be okay," he said, nodding as if to convince himself. "It'll be okay."

-----

That all happened three weeks ago. Now, Taehyun was getting ready to go to church for a special service. Yeonjun had told him to wear all black and, from that piece of information, he gathered there was a funeral of some sort taking place.

"I just don't understand," Taehyun said conversationally as he fixed his black suit. "We're going to church, and we're wearing black. Who do you think died?"

Beomgyu shrugged.

"Maybe one of Kai's distant relatives? The ones in Hawaii somewhere?" Taehyun carried on. "Can’t be someone we know personally, because then I’d be more upset. Maybe he's bringing us along for moral support."

Taehyun glanced at Beomgyu through the mirror. "Darling? Won't you get dressed?”

Beomgyu stared blankly back at him, stuffing his hands into his pockets. Taehyun sighed. "I'm not sure what I did wrong this time, hyung." He turned around, but Beomgyu had disappeared again. Taehyun frowned. “How do you keep doing that?” he asked, turning around in circles. “Gyu? Beomgyu, darling please, we need to go soon.”

Suddenly, Beomgyu was standing right next to him. Taehyun jumped, and Beomgyu stifled a giggle from behind his hand. Taehyun rolled his eyes, smiling.

“Come on, you,” he said. Then he frowned. “Aren’t you going to wear black?” He shrugged, face clearing. “Oh well. The invitation didn’t specify, so it’s okay. Let’s go then, eh?”

-----

It was the aftermath of the service. Everyone had stayed in the church to have drinks and converse with others, reminiscing about the person who had died.

"How many times do I have to tell you?" Taehyun said. "Beomgyu is not dead."

Yeonjun set down his glass, turning to Taehyun with a serious expression. "Okay, stop it. This is getting serious now. We were literally just at his funeral service, and watched him being lowered into a grave. I don't know why you think he's still alive."

"Because he is. Look, he's right there-"

He’s not here! No, you look at me! The only part of him that’s here is his body, and that’s in a coffin!” Yeonjun lashed, finally losing his cool. "He's not here, okay? Stop!" He looked up at the ceiling and blinked rapidly, trying to dispel the tears. Just as soon as he’d erupted, Yeonjun calmed himself as quickly. Taking a deep breath, he looked at Taehyun again, who was watching him carefully after the sudden outburst. "Tell me honestly, Taehyun. Do you really believe he's still alive? And think, actually think before you answer.”

To his credit, Taehyun really did stop and think. Did he believe Beomgyu was alive? Well, yes. He did. But… was there much evidence to show that he was? Other than his random appearances around the house, Taehyun wasn’t sure.

“I… I don’t know,” Taehyun said in a small, confused voice. “He has to be, right? Yeah, because he’s over there.” The apprehension cleared from his face when he saw Beomgyu waving from the other side of the garden. Yeonjun turned around, trying to spot what Taehyun was staring at. When he couldn’t find it, he turned back around to face the blond.

“Taehyun, please. All jokes aside. Do you… can you actually see him?” Yeonjun asked seriously.

“What do you mean? Of course. I know my fiance anywhere.”

“What do you mean?” Taehyun scoffed. “I don’t hallucinate, hyung.”

“But you think you can see him, can’t you? Even think you can hear him. One minute he’s there, but the next minute he’s disappeared. Right? That’s what has been happening, isn’t it?”

“O-oh,” Taehyun faltered. Beomgyu had been doing that a lot recently, now that he thought about it. “He’s just really fast, you know that hyung,” Taehyun dismissed.

Yeonjun looked unconvinced. “Okay, when was the last time you actually touched him?”

“That’s a silly question, not a day goes by where Beomgyu doesn’t…” Taehyun trailed off. When was the last time they’d actually had skin-to-skin contact? Taehyun can’t remember. “Anyway hyung, what’s your point?”

“I did some research,” Yeonjun said solemnly, spotting Soobin and Hueningkai and waving them over. “Last time we visited you, and you kept saying you could see Beomgyu. I did some research and from what I found, and what you’ve told me just now, I think you might… you might…” Yeonjun struggled to form his next words. It was heartbreaking to think that one of his closest friends might be suffering from any sort of mental disorder. Soobin rubbed his back comfortingly, encouraging Yeonjun to carry on. “I think you might have… schizophrenia.”

Taehyun stared at Yeonjun in horror and fear. “No, no no… I don’t. I’m not sick.”

“We don't know for sure, though,” Soobin added, in an attempt to calm Taehyun down. “We’ll need to go to a doctor for them to properly diagnose you.”

“I don't- I don't want to go to a doctor. I’m not sick, I swear!”

“You don’t have to. I visited the doctor’s a few days ago, described your general behaviours… they said it’s likely that you are.” Yeonjun gulped nervously.

He hated seeing Taehyun look so fearful and stressed, and evidently Hueningkai did as well, for he attempted to hug Taehyun. “They said they’ll treat you, but you have to agree to the medication before they can help you.”

Taehyun pushed Hueningkai off, shaking his head. “I’m not sick. I’m not.”

“Hyunnie, please,” Hueningkai begged, holding onto Taehyun’s arms. “Think. You haven’t truly seen Beomgyu-hyung for weeks. Just random appearances of him, right? That’s because of the… the sickness. He’s not actually here. He hasn’t actually been here for about a month now. Please. Let the doctors treat you. We can’t… I can’t… afford to lose my best friend.”

Taehyun’s eyes glazed over. He sat, silent, before suddenly snapping his gaze back to Hueningkai. “You’re saying… Beomgyu has actually died?”

The younger boy nodded, eyes desperate. “Yes, and your hallucinations aren’t healthy so please-”

“So it wasn’t a prank? He’s actually gone?”

“I mean, yes, that’s why we had a funeral-”

“And he’s left me? All alone?” Taehyun’s eyes welled up, as his gaze moved from Hueningkai’s face to the other side of the garden. Beomgyu was no longer there.

“N-no, Taehyunnie, you still have us,” Hueningkai desperately tried to explain. “You're not alone. We can help you- oh my god!”

Taehyun’s knees had buckled, and he suddenly fell against Hueningkai. His eyes blinked shut, dark eyelashes lying in stark contrast to his paper-white face.

“Hyungs, help,” Hueningkai whimpered to Yeonjun and Soobin, who had just been standing there in shock. Yeonjun immediately sprang into action.

“Babe, lift up his legs,” he instructed. “If you do that, I can pick him up. Hueningkai, run to the car and open it. We’re going to have to take him home.”

-----

After his fainting at the funeral reception, Taehyun’s friends had taken to moving in with him for an extended amount of time.

“There’s no way we’re leaving you alone,” Soobin had stated firmly when Taehyun had tried to protest. “It’s not safe. No space? Come on, Taehyun, this house is ridiculously large, even when it was for you and Beomgyu. There’s enough space for the four of us to be here together. We’re not going to leave.”

And when Taehyun had asked why they were staying, Hueningkai had answered with a determined tone. “Because we don’t want to lose another friend.”

Their overprotectiveness carried on for several weeks. One of them would always be home to keep Taehyun company, and they’d constantly let him know that he could talk to them whenever they wanted. They'd assign themselves to be his talk-buddies every few days, and would stick to him like glue until it was someone else's turn to be the talk-buddy.

At the beginning, Taehyun didn’t want to accept that he was potentially a schizophrenic. But, after seeing Beomgyu disappear from where he was standing one too many times, he’d finally broken down and accepted that the love of his life really had gone.

That week had been absolutely miserable for everyone in the house. Taehyun would scream, throw things, and then suddenly dissolve into tears at the most random times. Then came the period where all the emotion seemed to have been sucked out of him, and he’d wandered around the house, as listless as a ghost. Soobin, Yeonjun and Hueningkai begged him to accept treatment, but every time he still refused. Two months after Beomgyu’s death, Taehyun's condition was worse than ever.

His friends couldn't get him to talk, to sleep, to eat. He would randomly appear in doorways, before abruptly leaving. He didn't smile, didn't cry, didn't say a word. Once, Soobin found Taehyun sitting in the middle of his room, staring at the wall. He'd tried to get the younger to go to bed, but Taehyun just shook his head and resumed glaring at the white structure. In the mornings, his hyung would smile and offer him food, even though they knew full well he'd only have a tiny bite before not touching it again. They still tried to pretend everything was fine.

His friends tip-toed around the subject of how emotionless Taehyun was being, pretending everything was still going okay. But there was only so long they could pretend.

-----

One day, Yeonjun snapped. He was tired of seeing his friend wander aimlessly about the house, devoid of any emotion. That day had been particularly stressful, since Taehyun hadn’t slept for the past few days and even refused to eat anything for breakfast or lunch. It was only after copious amounts of coaxing and wheedling that Hueningkai had managed to convince Taehyun to eat some fruit.

Yeonjun slammed his hands down on the table, where Taehyun was meekly picking at some strawberries. The boy flinched, but didn’t lift his eyes from the seed-studded fruit.

“Taehyun. Let me book you an appointment.”

“No.”

Yeonjun sucked in a breath. He wasn’t expecting such an abrupt answer. He tried again.

“Come on, Hyun, you’re obviously not getting any better.”

“No.” Taehyun’s hands clutched the fork tight, fist trembling from the pressure.

"Taehyun, look at you! You're like a ghost. If you get treated, it'll get better, I promise."

"Yeonjun," Taehyun said quietly- too quietly, as Yeonjun didn't hear him and carried on.

"Just, accept the treatment. Please. Let them make you better. You're wasting away by refusing help. Look! You're so thin, your skin is literally like paper, and you can barely eat. Come on."

Taehyun let the fork clatter out of his hands and into the bowl. He looked up, and Yeonjun startled when he realised his eyes were brimming with tears.

“Taehyun, please, just let us help you-”

“I said no, hyung. Stop pressuring me! Please, just leave.” The tears were now pouring out of his eyes, thick and fast.

Yeonjun frowned worriedly. “I- this is not healthy. Let me call the hosp-”

“No, don’t,” Taehyun sobbed, hands pressed firmly against his eyes to try and stem the furious flow of his tears. “I- I don’t want them.”

Yeonjun tried again. “Taehyun-”

Soobin and Hueningkai suddenly ran into the room. Soobin and put up a hand, effectively silencing Yeonjun. “Hyung, stop.” Then he turned to Taehyun, placing a hand on his shaking shoulder. “It’s okay, Taehyun. You just come to us when you’re ready.” He nodded to Hueningkai. “Hyuka, stay with him. Make sure he’s okay.”

Soobin took Yeonjun out of the room, and stared at him disapprovingly. Yeonjun stared back at him, then realised what he’d just done. Soobin pinched the bridge of his nose.

He began, “Hyung-”

“I know, I know,” Yeonjun sighed, rubbing his forehead. “I shouldn’t have forced it upon him like that.” He lightly slapped his cheek. "That was stupid of me. I was so, so dumb. And senseless. I should have realised how stressed he was getting by me going on like that. Oh… I feel really bad now."

Soobin sighed too. “I know you mean well, hyung. But that really wasn't the right way to go about talking to him at all." Yeonjun hung his head as Soobin stared him down. Soobin carried on, "There’s no point in forcing him to accept treatment. His condition isn’t life-threatening at the moment, so there’s no hurry.”

“But there is hurry, Binnie,” Yeonjun said, looking up and holding both of Soobin’s hands in his own. “It… It breaks my heart to see Taehyun like this. He’s not like himself. And his condition could turn life-threatening at any moment, Soobin. You know that.”

“It breaks my heart to see him like this as well, hyung,” Soobin said softly, drawing Yeonjun in for a hug. “But yelling at him to accept help isn’t going to make things any better.”

“I know,” came Yeonjun’s muffled voice. There was silence for a bit, then he spoke again. “So would it be best to leave him alone?”

“I think that’s the best option we have right now, hyung,” Soobin replied. “Hueningkai’s gonna be his talk-buddy for the next few days. Who knows? Maybe he’ll find a way to convince Taehyun to get treated.”

-----

Meanwhile, Hueningkai silently handed Taehyun tissues as the blond cried. He didn't say anything, and just sat by Taehyun, not uttering a word. Every time Taehyun used up a tissue, Hueningkai would tear another one out of the box and offer it to him.

“Do you think I’m sick, Hyuka?” Taehyun mumbled, blowing his nose on yet another tissue Hueningkai had given him. The younger boy sat there thoughtfully, watching as Taehyun took another tissue to dab at his red eyes.

“I don’t know, Taehyunnie,” he said at last. “Sure, you think you can see Beomgyu-hyung, and you’ve shown no emotions over the past week, and yeah, maybe that’s not normal. But then again, no one is normal, so perhaps it’s not that bad.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. Everyone’s a bit off their rocker in one way or another, and you just happen to be able to see Beomgyu. It’s okay.”

Through teary eyes, Taehyun looked up at Hueningkai and smiled. He patted the younger’s hand. “When did you become so wise?”

Hueningkai smiled sadly at Taehyun. “When I had to watch my smartest friend be reduced to nothing but a shell of what they once were.” He placed his hand on top of Taehyun’s, and smiled just a little bit brighter. “But it’s okay! Becoming wise is part of growing up, isn’t it? And people change. That's a given in life. Now, let’s not talk about such depressing matters. Do you have any games in your house? ‘Cause I’ve been searching for weeks and all I found were these playing cards.”

Taehyun grinned at his best friend, the tears now drying around his eyes. “Wait, let me show you a trick with the cards first.”

-----

When Soobin had been his buddy, there’d been an uncomfortable air of ‘must protect Taehyun from himself at all costs’. There’d been a lot of soft conversations, with concerned glances and quiet offers of help. Yeah, it had made him feel comforted that he knew Soobin would be there for him, but it also made him frustrated at how he was being treated like a sick little child.

When Yeonjun had been his buddy, Taehyun suddenly became stressed all the time. Yeonjun always had a big presence. One couldn’t help but notice him. And with all of his attention on Taehyun, it made him feel uncomfortable in his own skin. This wasn’t Yeonjun’s fault- he couldn’t help being the way he was- but it still had Taehyun feel on edge for the whole time Yeonjun had been his buddy.

With Hueningkai as his buddy… those days were probably the most normal Taehyun felt since the police came to his door. They’d just talk about silly things, like what would happen if the world turned into food overnight, or theorised about whether there really were such thing as aliens. They laughed and joked and went about their day as if everything was fine. That was one of the things which made Taehyun appreciate Hueningkai so much. He was gentle and kind but also excitable and fun. He didn’t push Taehyun to talk about things that he didn’t want to, instead opting to let Taehyun talk when he was ready. And that day came.

“Hueningkai,” Taehyun said hesitantly as the younger sat down beside him on the sofa.

“Yeah?” Hueningkai handed Taehyun a cookie, stuffing one in his mouth as well. He accepted it, but just stared at it in his hands.

“I just… I want to say thank you, for not forcing me to talk about the… sickness. When I was with Yeonjun-hyung, and Soobin-hyung, they never mentioned it, but the implications of it always hung in the air. You never, ever treated me differently. You even pretended it didn't exist, and I'm thankful for that."

Hueningkai smiled, swallowing the mouthful of biscuit he'd had. "I knew you'd feel either resentful or frustrated or annoyed if you were treated differently. That's why I decided it'd be best just to talk to you as Kang Taehyun, my best friend who I’ve known for years.."

"I'm really grateful you did," Taehyun said earnestly. "And while I appreciate it, I think we might also need to talk about my… condition."

Instead of looking worried or annoyed, Hueningkai just nodded in agreement. "Definitely. While it's good to interact normally, we still need to address the things which are definitely not normal." Hueningkai pointed to the cookie which Taehyun was still holding in his hands. “You gonna eat that?” Taehyun responded by taking a huge bite out of the treat, causing both of them to giggle slightly. Then Hueningkai’s face grew serious, which made Taehyun just a little bit nervous.

“Wait,” Taehyun said. “Can we- can we ease into the subject please? It’s kind of scary to straight away talk about what might be wrong with me.”

Hueningkai nodded understandingly. “Of course.” He hummed, twiddling his fingers as he thought of a topic to talk about. “Ah! I realised that we haven’t really talked about Beomgyu-hyung much. Even at his funeral, we didn’t talk about him.”

Taehyun looked around, nibbling on his cookie apprehensively. “You have tissues ready right?”

Hueningkai patted the box on top of the coffee table. “Right here,” he assured Taehyun. “So, why don’t we talk about the last time we spoke to hyung?”

Taehyun missed the cookie and accidentally bit down on his own fingers. He winced and set it down, sucking on his sore fingers. “I don't remember the last time I spoke to hyung. No wait, I do. It was… it was the day the police officer came to the door.”

Taehyun smiled a little, remembering Beomgyu’s bright, beaming face. “You know how during our lunch breaks the five of us would always meet up to talk? That day, Beomgyu and I had a date. Just a simple one, a quick coffee date in one of the cafes near his workplace. I remember how sunny it was that day, and while I’d complained about the brightness, the whole time I couldn’t stop staring at his face. The sun bathed him in a golden glow, and he looked absolutely beautiful.” Tears pooled into his eyes as he remembered that day. “I remember thinking how lucky I was to have him, and hoping that he’d never disappear.” Taehyun sadly took another bite out of his cookie as a few tears escaped the corners of his clenched eyes. “That thought aged well, didn’t it?” he said bitterly. Hueningkai rubbed his thigh comfortingly.

“It’s okay, Taehyunie,” he said. “It hurts, but it’s better to hurt together than alone.”

Taehyun sniffled, accepting a tissue that Hueningkai offered him. “We talked about the usual fiance things. Wedding plannings, honeymoon plannings, jokes and the simple things in life. At the time, it felt trivial, insignificant- it was just another date out of the many more we thought we’d had.” The tears came faster, and Hueningkai hurriedly handed Taehyun a bunch of tissues. “And then at the end of our lunch break, we parted ways, saying what we always said- ‘I love you, see you soon’.” Taehyun had to stop talking for a few seconds, and close his eyes against the sudden onslaught of memories. The emotions were overwhelming him; a lump was forming in his throat that he just couldn’t will away.

Remembering Beomgyu’s smiling face as he’d bid Taehyun goodbye made his heart ache. He realised just how much he missed Beomgyu- the real Beomgyu, not the ones out of his hallucinations. Taking deep breaths, he opened his eyes again.

“So yeah, that was the last time I saw him. You know how I always end work earlier than Beomgyu, so I was waiting for him to come home when… when it happened.”

Hueningkai smiled reassuringly. “At least your last memory of him was happy, wasn’t it?”

Taehyun dabbed at his eyes. “I suppose so. Why? Is your last memory of him not happy?”

“Oh, no, it is. But it’s also not-so-happy at the same time.”

When Taehyun tilted his head in confusion, Hueningkai explained. “The last time we spoke was over text. A few light conversations, jokes. He said he and I should meet up sometime. It’d been ages since we’d talked, one-on-one. We’d agreed to go get ice cream together, hang out at the park next to our old school.” Hueningkai smiled a bittersweet smile. “The day we’d planned the hangout was the day after the accident.”

Taehyun felt himself tear up on Hueningkai’s behalf. “Oh… hyung was excited for that as well. He told me how much he was looking forward to hanging out with his favourite dongsaeng. That’s… that’s a real shame, Hyuka.”

“Yeah, well,” Hueningkai shrugged, attempting to mask the sadness. “Fate is nothing but cruel, right?” He looked up at Taehyun, smiling a wobbly smile. “It’s fine. I just can’t imagine how awful it must have been for you, though.”

Taehyun peered back at him worriedly. He placed a hand on top of Hueningkai’s, and spoke in a soft tone.

“It’s okay to show how you really feel, Kai. It’s okay. Don’t pretend you’re fine when you’re really not. I can see how much you’re hurting inside. You don’t have to hide it.”

Even though Taehyun was the one who was supposed to be mentally unstable, the one who was supposed to need someone to support and take care of him, here he was, offering his own support to his friend, because he saw how much he needed it. He smiled reassuringly. “I’m here for you."

Hueningkai had always been a gentle soul. Gentle, compassionate, and kind. He was also delicate. No, he wasn’t fragile- he wasn’t one of those easy-to-break people, but he was just more delicately built compared to others. Losing one of his dearest hyungs, and almost losing his best friend too… well, it was enough to test even the mental wellbeing of someone as strong as Yeonjun. Poor Hueningkai had had to grow up too fast. He’d had to watch as his little, perfect world suddenly crumbled, and had had to hastily cover his own delicate heart in order to try and fix the broken hearts of his friends.

Those five, small words, those five, tiny syllables, were enough to expose Hueningkai’s delicate heart. Yes, he’d cried the day they’d turned up at Taehyun’s door after hearing the news, but that had been about it. He hadn’t been able to cry after that.

Now, he cried with his whole heart. His whole, gentle, loving heart. He cried for his hyung, who would never live a full life; he cried for his hyung’s family, who would never see their son grow old; he cried for his friends, who would never be able to hear Beomgyu’s bright laugh again; and then he finally cried for himself. He cried because he’d never hear his hyung’s comforting voice, never hear his thoughtful words, never see his fingers dance across the guitar strings, never feel his comforting presence in the world.

He cried, poured out all his sadness and grief over the loss of Beomgyu into his tears. He let go of all the pain and devastation he’d experienced from the news of his hyung’s death. He cried because he missed Beomgyu, missed his sunshine-y hyung who would never again grace the earth with his smile. All throughout his tears, all throughout this, Taehyun hugged him close.

Taehyun hugged him tight, wrapping his arms around Hueningkai, holding him as his shoulders shook with the force of his tears.

“Shh… shh… it’s okay, Hyuka. Cry as much as you want. Let it all out,” Taehyun murmured softly, rubbing Hueningkai’s back. “You’ve been so brave. It’s okay. Shh…”

The sobs wracked his body, and Hueningkai cried so forcefully that he had trouble breathing for a few moments.

“I- I shou-ldn’t be cry-crying so mu-uch,” Hueningkai sobbed into Taehyun’s embrace. “Y-you had to su-ffer wo-orse than m-me.”

“Nonsense,” Taehyun said gently. “You were his friend too. You’re allowed to cry for his death.”

“B-ut you-ou h-had i-it so mu-uch worse,” Hueningkai hiccuped. “A-and you ne-ever cri-ed like thi-this.”

“Maybe not, but I have my sickness, don’t I?”

Hueningkai just cried harder. “I-I feel so-o sorry fo-for you, Tae-Taehyunie.”

“Shh… It’s okay, Huening-ah. It’s okay.”

They stayed like that for another half an hour or so, until Hueningkai’s tears had slowed a little.

“I didn’t- I didn’t know how badly you felt,” Taehyun said worriedly as he handed Hueningkai the tissue box. “I should have noticed.”

“ ‘s not your fault, Taehyun,” Hueningkai sniffled, blowing his nose. “You had too much on your plate already.”

“My plate is never too full to look after the happiness of my best friend,” Taehyun replied. Hueningkai just shook his head, smiling.

"You're too caring," he said jokingly. Then his tone grew serious. "Come on, you should focus on yourself."

Taehyun swallowed. "Can I… can I confess something? Promise you won't tell hyungs?"

"Of course."

"I- I'm scared of the treatment. I never thought of myself as mentally unwell before, and now being told I'm sick and need to be fixed? It's scary."

Hueningkai took the half-eaten cookie out of Taehyun’s hands and set it down on the table. “It’s completely understandable to feel scared. It’s okay.” He wrapped his hands around Taehyun’s, gently, to try and soothe their trembling.

“Look,” Hueningkai said. “I’m going to be honest as well. I really don’t… care if you accept treatment or not. Don’t get me wrong, it would be nice for you to be back to your normal self again, but if it scares and worries you that much, it’s okay. We’ll support you whatever you choose to do.” He smiled, holding Taehyun’s hands tight. “Your happiness is the most important thing. Whether you’re sane or not? Pssh. We’re all a little crazy. It’s okay.”

Taehyun began to tear up again, but this time it was out of happiness, not sadness. “Thank you, Hyuka. I- just thank you.”

“Any time, Taehyunie. Any time.” Hueningkai smiled. He squeezed Taehyun’s hands a little. “But seriously though, it would really benefit you if you let yourself be treated.”

“I know. I know.” Taehyun took in a deep breath. “Actually, what I wanted to tell you was that… I decided I was going to accept treatment.” He exhaled. The words, when he’d tried to say them before, had stuck in his throat and built up an enormous pressure inside his chest. But now, after he’d actually said them, he realised it wasn’t really that big of a deal. The words which had worried at his mind for days were, he found, simple and almost relieving to say.

It was a simple thing, saying the words, but the promise was so much bigger. It was a promise of, 'I will become stronger', a promise to overcome what had been a dark, hard time in Taehyun's life.

It was with that confession: those tiny, tiny words with their big, big meanings- it was at that time, that Taehyun began to heal.

-----

Life after that seemed to become so much brighter. The dark cloud of stress and worry and fear that had hovered over their lives lessened. When Taehyun had told Yeonjun and Soobin (with Hueningkai there to encourage him), it would be a lie to say that the two eldest hadn't broken down into tears. Tears of happiness and relief, of course.

The road to recovery wasn’t smooth, though. Taehyun knew this. But, for Beomgyu, he’d endure everything- all the pain, all the tears, all the frustration- because he knew the elder would want nothing more than for Taehyun to be well.

Sometimes everything went fine. Taehyun was going to therapy, and had weekly visits from a social worker who came to have tea and chat. They were pleasant; he was never pressed too much to talk about things, and at times they seemed to even like how he'd stay silent. He had his friends, as well. They supported Taehyun every step of the way, reminding him each day that he had them, and he wasn't alone. He had them, and they would never leave.

Sometimes though, the coddling and gentleness became too frustrating to bear.

If Taehyun's patience had been worn thin by the counsellor's patronising tone, he'd lose his cool and start yelling at them. If the social worker attempted to make him drink that weird herbal tea one too many times, he'd storm out of the room in a flare of his temper. If Soobin tried to get him to eat on a day when the medicine's side effects were particularly harsh, he'd snap and push away his friends out of anger.

Other times, when it was really, really terrible and he just couldn't take it anymore, Taehyun would beg his friends to not make him go to therapy. He'd fall against them, tears staining his cheeks, begging them not to make him go back, because I hate it, please, don't make me go, please, please I hate it, I hate it so much, please. Soobin would look at Yeonjun and Hueningkai, sigh, but say nothing. The next counselling session, however, Taehyun would always clamber into Yeonjun's car with a sullen face, neither resisting treatment nor willing to eagerly participate in it. And then the cycle would repeat.

It was a hard process. But still, Taehyun's friends stuck by him, and it was probably due to their support that Taehyun managed to heal. And three years after Beomgyu's death, he was better. Not completely the same as he'd been before the life-changing day, but better than he had been for a long time.

"Kai!" Taehyun laughed, hitting the younger. "Don't sneak up on me! You know the last time Soobin-hyung did that, I almost poked his eyes out with the brush!"

Taehyun's friends had never really moved out of his home. In a way, Taehyun was grateful that they stayed. It would have been lonely to be in the big house all alone. It was three years after Beomgyu's death, and life had gone on. Sure, it hurt at first, but the sharp stab of pain eventually numbed to a dull, throbbing ache. It would never go away, because their memory of Beomgyu could never go away, but they learned to live with it.

Hueningkai stuck his tongue out. Taehyun tutted. "You're 25 now, yet you still continue to act like a child? This is exactly why Yeonjun-hyung won't let you drive round his car when you ask him to."

"Hmph! Like he let's you drive it around!"

"You know it's because he's afraid I'll have another hallucination and crash the car. You, on the other hand, are just a walking disaster."

"Hey! I'm 25 you know!"

"Yeah, but you're still 15 at heart."

Hueningkai grinned. "Yeah, and so are you." He looked around, spotting at the half-painted canvas propped up on the other side of the art studio. "Another painting of Beomgyu, I see?"

Taehyun covered the painting with the black cloth. "Oh, shut up. He was my fiance, I'm allowed to paint him. Besides, it's actually a painting of all of us. It's not finished yet."

"Aren't you glad they recommend art therapy to you? Yet another good thing that came out of those sessions."

"Yes, because pushing a brush along a canvas saved my life," Taehyun stated sarcastically.

"Yeah well, it did, didn't it?"

"...Okay yeah, but that's not the point!"

Ever since his counsellor had mentioned art therapy to help him heal, Taehyun hadn't stopped painting, even after his treatment ended. He found that expressing his feelings through colours and paints helped relieve him from all his stress and worries. At first, though his understanding of shades and tones were not the best, he persevered and now looked proudly at all the canvases of his work displayed all over the rooms of the house. They were far from what someone like Picasso or Turner could do, but they were his own work and in his opinion they were perfect masterpieces.

"Anyway," he said, smiling at Kai. "Was there anything you needed?"

"Nah, just wanted to bother you." Hueningkai cackled as Taehyun jabbed him with the end of a paintbrush.

"You- annoying- brat!" Taehyun said, punctuating every word with a jab at Hueningkai's abdomen. "Go! Shoo! This painting needs to be finished in time for Beomgyu-hyung’s death anniversary!"

"Okay, okay," Hueningkai laughed, retreating. "I'm going! Oh, hi Yeonjun-hyung. Yes, Taehyun! I'm going!" Yeonjun was leaning against the doorway, smiling at the two bickering 25 year-olds.

"Hey Taehyun," he said, walking in and ruffling the other's hair. "How're you doing?"Taehyun looked at him strangely.

"You ask me that like we literally do not live together."

"Ouch," Yeonjun laughed, putting his hands into his pockets. "Anyway, I was wondering if you wanted to visit Gyu's grave. His death anniversary is coming up, and I can drive you there if you want."

"Oh, I thought you were taking Soobin on another date," Taehyun said, blinking innocently up at Yeonjun.

"Soobin is visiting his parents and has been away for the past three days. You know that," Yeonjun scolded, flicking Taehyun's forehead playfully. "So do you want me to take you or not?"

"Yes please," Taehyun said, standing up and wiping his hands on his apron. "I'll go get dressed into something more presentable."

"Don't be too long!" Yeonjun called. "It's getting dark earlier than usual since it's winter, and we should go there before the sun goes down."

-----

They reached the cemetery as the sun was low in the sky, bruising the sky with its gentle blue hue. As Taehyun undid his seatbelt, he noticed that Yeonjun wasn't coming out.

"Hmm? Hyung, aren't you coming?"

"I- I came yesterday." Yeonjun said shortly, gripping the steering wheel a little tighter. Taehyun's heart melted with sympathy. Even after all these years, it seemed Yeonjun was still hurt. He patted the elder's hand.

"It's okay, hyung. I'll go then."

"Don't be too long!" Yeonjun called after him. Taehyun gave him a thumbs up without looking back.

Hands deep inside his coat pockets, he trudged along the snow-edged paths. When he reached Beomgyu's gravestone, he buried his cold nose deeper into his scarf and sighed. He leaned down to touch the cold granite. Gently, he traced the carved letters, smiling to himself.

"Oh, Beomgyu," he said aloud to the chilly winter air. "You were too young to die." Before, the words would have been said with devastating hopelessness. Now, Taehyun uttered them with a joking smile on his face, only a hint of sadness tainting the edges of his lips. A breeze whipped itself through Taehyun's hair and he looked up to see Beomgyu standing there.He startled a little, taking an involuntary step back. It had been a while since he'd last had a hallucination.

The figure smiled, and silently looked at Taehyun. The younger was unfazed by the hallucination- he knew how to deal with them now. But at that moment, he decided it would be nice to talk to Beomgyu - even if this Beomgyu was just a figment of his imagination - one last time.

"It's been ages, hasn't it, Gyu?" Taehyun said, looking back down at the gravestone. Beomgyu looked sadly down at it as well. Taehyun swallowed, and raised his eyes. "... I miss you."Beomgyu smiled a little forlornly, and reached over to pat Taehyun's shoulder.Taehyun carried on, "During the early days, I couldn't even properly mourn because of my illness. And then, I couldn't visit your grave for ages because they said it might trigger the hallucinations to come again." He chuckled. "Guess they were right. This is the first 'vision' I've had in ages, did you know that hyung?" Beomgyu's eyes sparkled as he gazed at the younger. "Anyway, it was only really a few months ago that everything became sort of normal."

Taehyun kicked at the snow. "And I miss you, hyung. I really miss you." He looked up to find Beomgyu giving him a fond look. He smiled back. "But you know. In a garden, one always picks the most beautiful flowers first, right? And besides, I'm doing okay now. I miss you still, so much, but life is full of ups and downs. This was a really big down, but you know…everything happens for the better or worse, and we just have to deal with it.”They stood there in silence, both of them looking down at the gravestone.

"I just- I can't believe that you're really gone," Taehyun said to himself, feeling tears build up behind his eyes. He quickly wiped them away, taking a few breaths before smiling at Beomgyu.

"I shouldn't cry," he said, trying to laugh a little. "I came here to say goodbye, after all." He nudged Beomgyu. "And I know you never liked goodbyes to be sad."

More silence swept through the cemetery, and this time it was a heavier one. The sky was growing darker, and Taehyun knew he'd have to say goodbye. He was reluctant to say the first farewell, and this must have been evident on his face. The elder turned to him and gently touched his nose to Taehyun's. Beomgyu's eyes were sympathetic and kind, with a look of 'it's time' in them. I love you, Taehyun darling.

Taehyun sighed, knowing the time had come. He stood up on his tiptoes and pressed a soft kiss onto Beomgyu's dark hair.

"I love you too, darling. Always," he murmured. Then he closed his eyes and squeezed his fists tight so his nails dug into his palms, just like the psychiatrist had taught him to. When he opened his eyes, Beomgyu was gone. And yet, it didn't hurt Taehyun's heart as much as it used to, when he first saw Beomgyu disappear. He knew that the elder was still with him, inside his heart.Taehyun gazed at the granite engraving of his love's name, before turning around and walking away.

He looked up towards the sky, and sent his thanks to any god that may be out there. He thanked them for letting him have Beomgyu in his life, because, although he may not have had him forever, the moments they shared would be treasured by him until the end of time.

Blue hour faded as Taehyun walked out of the cemetery, and while his eyes were heavy with unshed tears, his heart was light with happiness- and love.

#ahahaha guess who almost went over limit posting this here :)#txt taegyu #taegyu #txt fluff #txt fanfic #yeonbin #tomorrow x together #txt taehyun #taehyun #txt beomgyu #beomgyu #tw//schizophrenia #tw//mental illness

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meetmeatthecoda · 7 years

Note

Oooooh lizzington prompts! Shameless anon is here 😂 Hmmmm well.. I WANT ALL OF THEM, but I'll settle for these -for now- told you I'm shameless: 10, 24 (I'd die if Red was the one trembling), 31, 41. My feels are yours to mess up with 😭❤️

50 Dialogue Prompts

Oh my gosh, HELLO shameless anon! :D So happy to have you back in my inbox bringing me prompts! :) Okay so, I’m sorry these took so long, but here they are, all 4 at once. (Which is why they took a while. And also because, at every turn, I was fighting my instinct to turn each prompt into a full-length fic. Darn.) So I hope your feels come out of these mostly intact ;) Please enjoy! :D Much love!

10. “Come here.”

24. “You’re trembling.” (Red is, indeed, the one trembling. And also, this is sort of a companion mini-fic to number 10.)

31. “I can’t keep kissing strangers and pretending that they’re you.” (This one goes into T rating territory, be advised, and enjoy ;)

41. “I feel like I can’t breathe.”

10. “Come here.”

Red sighs as he collapses on thesofa, kicking off his Italian hand-made shoes like they are cheap sneakers andrubbing his face with both hands.

What an exhausting day.

Lizzie had called around nine,saying they were dead in the water with their current blacklister, and askedfor his help. Unable to deny her, and also wanting to have the truly despicablenumber 45 in custody as soon as possible, he had wracked his brains for ways tohelp. Unfortunately, the only thing he could come up with was chatting with oneof his less pleasant associates. De Marco was the only one Red could imaginewould have any intel on this blacklister. Whether he would share it with him wasanother story completely.

De Marco is an interestingindividual, a recluse, a hermit, living by himself in the wilderness of NewJersey, so naturally he is a little unhinged. He can be perfectly pleasant, ofcourse, but if caught on the wrong day, Red knows from experience that he willemerge from his cabin on a rampage, guns blazing. It is nothing Red can’thandle with Dembe by his side, of course, but he doesn’t want Lizzie anywherenear someone so unpredictable, just in case.

So Red had relayed his plans toLizzie, for once not holding back anything, wanting her to know the probable dangerof this contact. He made a point to stress that she, or anyone else from thetask force, should not try to follow him under any circumstances. De Marco istoo volatile and they should wait for Red to contact them with anything helearned.

She had agreed reluctantly, in arather odd tone of voice, but Red had had no time to linger on it. Besides, Lizzie’smood had been anything but consistent lately.

So he and Dembe had set off at onceto northern New Jersey to pay a visit to old De Marco. He was rather uncooperativeat first – perhaps Red should have called ahead – but after a few knives were thrownhis way, Red managed to calm him down and obtain the information the task forceneeded.

On the long drive home, Red hadcalled Cooper with the time sensitive intel, wary of Lizzie’s strange mood and wantingto spare her the usual role of middleman this once.

They just arrived back at theircurrent safe house and Dembe went straight to bed. A day full of driving and dodgingbullets from a paranoid maniac tends to take a toll. Red can certainly sympathize.

With a weary glance at his watch,Red sees that it is nearing midnight. He supposes he should head to bed aswell, exhausted as he is, but he still feels that strange restlessness thatcomes from being confined in a car for a long period of time.

Perhaps he’ll make some warm milk,that usually makes him sleepy, and it’s certainly better for him than scotch,yes, perhaps he’ll –

Knock, knock.

Red frowns. Who could that possiblybe at quarter to twelve on a Tuesday night? Suddenly wide awake and on alert,he grabs his gun from it lies discarded on the side table and clicks off thesafety, padding silently to the door. He takes a quick glance through thepeephole and feels a jolt go through him.

Lizzie is standing there.

He quickly flicks the safety backon the gun and places it on the entryway table, unlocking and opening the doorat the same time.

“Lizzie, what a pleasant – “

“Where have you been?!”

And before he knows it, Lizzie ispushing her way past him and into his safe house and what is going on?

“I’m sorry?”

“Oh, don’t play stupid, Red. Youcall and tell me all about this dangerous god-awful blacklister and thencasually go on your merry way to meet with him and then you don’t even call meafterwards? You call Cooper instead? What was I supposed to take from that? Thatyou were injured and didn’t want to worry me? Or that you simply didn’t careenough to let me know you were okay?”

Lizzie finally stops to take abreath but Red can do nothing but blink stupidly at her, stunned. He had noidea she would be so worried about him. Frankly, he didn’t think she would caremuch at all. She had made it very clear in the past that she cares very little forhis safety. Why should this time be different? There are not many people leftin this world that care about his well-being and she has the least reason ofanyone. He certainly can’t blame her.

Red frowns.

He can see tension making Lizzie’sshoulders rigid. Her arms, which had been planted on her hips while she wasyelling at him, have since drifted to wrap around her waist. He glances up ather face, still frowning, and he sees she is staring at him, waiting to hear whathe has to say for himself.

Well.

“Lizzie…” he says slowly. “I’m perfectlyall right. I’m sorry if I worried you. That was not my intention.”

She must be able to hear thesincerity in his voice but instead of relaxing like he suspected she would, hesees her arms tighten around her middle and, unbelievably, he sees her eyesfill with tears.

Perhaps he had overexaggerated DeMarco’s eccentricities.

And perhaps Lizzie cares more abouthim than he originally suspected.

He feels a wonderful warmth floodhim from head to toes.

“Well,” she mutters, lookingstrangely vulnerable and small, standing here in his hallway, looking anywhere butat him. “I was still worried.”

Oh, Lizzie.

“Come here.” He murmurs, reachingfor her.

And, unbelievably, she surgesforward into his arms without hesitation, one arm wrapping around his back andthe other around his waist, her face pressing into his shoulder. He wraps hisarms tightly around her in return, wishing irrationally for a moment that he couldabsorb her into his body and keep her with him always.

Silly.

He feels her take a deep breath in,her torso expanding within his arms, and he breaths with her almost byaccident. As they exhale together, Red feels a lovely contentedness settlewithin him. He makes a silent promise to do his best not to worry her again.

24. “You’re trembling.” (Red)

Liz sighs as she closes herapartment door, shedding her shoes carelessly in the hall and dumping her coatand bag on the table, feet aching.

What an exhausting day.

It had started early with asighting of their blacklister and ended so very late, after endless paperworkand formalities. At least their blacklister was finally in custody.

If only it hadn’t taken a buildingblowing up to finally catch him.

Liz had been the first to go in,Ressler and Samar not far behind her, when she caught sight of their suspect.She took off after him without a thought, heedless of their cries to wait.

She didn’t realize he was going toprime a bomb.

But luckily, number 67 doesn’t havea suicidal streak. After he rigged the building to blow, Liz chased him rightout the back door of the building and finally took him down as the explosionknocked them both off their feet. Aside from a few cuts and scrapes, Liz isperfectly fine, but that didn’t stop Cooper from giving her a long lecture onthe advantages of teamwork.

Liz sighs again, leaning againsther apartment door, sore and wondering idly if she’ll make it to her bed or ifshe should just settle for the couch and does it really matter anyway becausehow –

Knock, knock.

Liz jumps away from the door,startled. Who could that be?

“Lizzie, open the door, it’s me.”

Red. There’s an odd tightness andurgency to his voice that Liz can’t identify.

She frowns and quickly opens thedoor. She doesn’t even get a good look at Red before he is rushing through thedoor, kicking it closed behind him, and gripping her by the shoulders.

“Lizzie, are you alright?” he asksurgently.

Liz blinks, confused. “Um, yeah,I’m fine, Red. Are you?”

Bewildered, Liz watches as Red’sface contorts in anger.

“Are you really going to ask methat, Lizzie? After you were in an explosion today? Why did you go after thatblacklister? How could you be so stupid, so reckless, we would have gotten himsome other way, you shouldn’t risk your life like that, you could have beenkilled! And you didn’t think to call me at any point today? After I heard thenews, I had to call Aram, of all people, to find out if you were alive – ”

Red’s anger seems to evaporatequickly, draining from his face as he looks at her, his eyes flickeringanxiously over her face.

“Red, I’m sorry.” Liz sayshonestly. “It was a crazy day, I didn’t really have time for phone calls. But Ididn’t mean to worry you.”

Liz looks into his eyes, meetinghis gaze for a moment before she sees his eyes flicker down to her cheek,zeroing in on the scrape there she sustained from a random piece of shrapnel inthe explosion.

Liz watches as Red raises his hand,as if in a trance, to brush his fingers gently across the superficial wound.She looks at his hand, so close to her now, and is shocked to see his fingersunsteady.

“You’re trembling.” she whispers.

Oh Red.

They move at the same time, Red’strembling hand delving into her hair and the other yanking at her waist to pullher to him, while Liz’s arms wrap around Red’s neck. Liz scratches lightly atthe back of his head and she feels his shiver against her whole body. Shenotices that the trembles are not confined to his hands, in fact, they seem tobe quaking through his whole body. He buries his face in her neck and sheshushes him, rocking them a little back and forth.

Oh, Red. He thought she had died.

“I’m all right, Red, I’m righthere.” She murmurs to him, cradling him. He takes a deep breath in at her wordsand lets it out slowly, the tremors gradually fading. Standing there holdinghim, Liz makes a silent promise to do her best not to worry him again.

31. “I can’t keep kissing strangers and pretendingthat they’re you.”

Red sulks in his booth, cringing ashe watches Lizzie press up against her partner, dancing in the darkness of theclub. He knows it’s necessary for Lizzie to appear occupied with her date whilethey wait for their mark to appear but that doesn’t mean he has to like it. Hesips sullenly at his scotch, wishing he could simply throw it back and orderten more like he wants to.

They have been staking out thisparticular club all week, undercover as simple clubbing patrons, waiting fortheir mark to appear. But it’s Friday and he still hasn’t showed. Red knowsthat if they don’t see him here tonight, Cooper will pull the plug on the wholeoperation. But at least Red and Liz aren’t wearing microphones anymore,connected to the team outside in a surveillance van like they were earlier thisweek. They gave up that part of the operation after Red convinced Cooper that thepresence of the van was putting off their mark.

That wasn’t true at all, of course,their mark was far too stupid to notice the team. But Red didn’t want to riskembarrassing Liz any more than he already has. Because on their first nightundercover, Red and Liz had decided to portray a couple enjoying a night outand things had gotten a little…out of hand.

The tension that always seemed to besimmering below the surface of their interactions had finally snapped under thedarkness and heat of the club. They were dancing fairly chastely when Liz hadfinally leaned in close to his ear and whispered to him.

“We have to sell this.”

Red’s heart had just about stoppedin his chest when Liz had turned around and started to grind against him. Redhad a split second of inaction before he was kicked into gear by the feel of Lizdancing so provocatively against him. He simply couldn’t stop his handsgripping her hips and pulling her firmly back against him, enjoying the frictionfar more than he probably should.

They danced like this for whatseemed to Red to be a glorious 30 minutes before, without warning, Liz spunaround and crushed her lips to Red’s with a moan. Red, after being stunned foranother short moment, didn’t waste any time in pulling her tightly against him,his mouth working furiously against hers, their tongues tangling.

When they finally surfaced for air,their eyes met and, while taking in dilated pupils and flushed cheeks, they suddenlyremembered the mics and earpieces currently trapped between their warm bodies. Theyheard Ressler clear his throat and call off the operation for the night.

After a wide eyed, searching gazeover his face, Liz had slipped away from Red and disappeared in the crowd. Theywent their separate ways and they haven’t acknowledged the incident since.

So Red insisted on no more micswhile they were undercover. As it turns out, it wasn’t necessary, as Lizzie hadsteadfastly avoided him as much as she could while they were both stuck in thesame club for six hours every night. She had no shortage of partners and Red,while plenty of women sent interested glances his way, sat in his boothdrinking scotch.

And trying to forget the feeling ofLizzie moaning into his mouth.

He sighs. A futile business, to besure.

Red checks his watch. Almostmidnight. He casts a final glance around the room for their mark and, seeinghim nowhere, decides to throw in the towel. He tosses back the last of hisscotch and stands. Lizzie looks to be having a fine time with her currentpartner and he’s sure she can find her own way home. Bitterness rises in histhroat like acid and he starts to push his way through the crowd to the door.

However, he doesn’t get far beforea hand grabs arm and he turns, startled, to see Lizzie tugging him to the backof the club.

“Lizzie – “ he starts to say butshe continues to pull him along until they are in the relative quiet of the backhallway.

Alone.

“Lizzie, what – “

“Look, I’m sorry about earlier thisweek,” she interrupts him easily and, oh, she’s apologizing and telling himwhat a mistake it was, of course, he never had a chance with her –

“But I can’t stand this awkwarddance anymore so let me just be honest.”

Yes, they should just address itlike adults and move on and if Red’s heart comes out of this broken beyondrepair, who really cares –

“I can’t keep kissing strangers and pretending thatthey’re you.”

What?

Red just stares at her for a minute, her smoky eyesblinking alluringly at him, her lips looking wonderfully tempting with a lightcoat of deep red lipstick.

She wants to kiss him again?

“So how about you take me home and we do somethingabout that?”

Red grins at her. Oh, hell yes.

41. “I feel like I can’t breathe.”

Ring, ring.

Liz taps her finger anxiously against her phone as itrings, waiting for Red to pick up. It’s very late at night, almost earlyreally, but she can’t help it.

She needs to talk to him.

She can’t sleep and she can’t seem to do anythingabout it but Red will help her. He always does.

Sam’s birthday is coming up and it’s the first one sincehe’s been gone and Tom is gone too (which is definitely for the better) butshe’s still having a hard time. Red saw her yesterday at the Post Office,looking exhausted and sad and somehow knowing why, and told her to not hesitateto call him.

So, at two o’clock in the morning, that’s what she’s doing.

“Hello?”

“Red,” she breathes, relieved, closing her eyes.

“Lizzie? It’s very late, is something wrong?” Oh, Red.

“No, no, I’m sorry, I hope I didn’t wake you.” Forsome reason, it didn’t occur to her that Red might be sleeping.

“No, you didn’t wake me, Lizzie, but you should beasleep.”

“I know, it’s just…” Now that she has him on the phone,what does she say to him?

“Yes?” Patient Red. What has she done to deserve him?

“I can’t sleep. It’s…it’s Sam. And…you said I couldcall?” She feels so tentative now, what if he didn’t really mean it, what if hewas just saying it, what if –

“Of course, Lizzie, of course. I’m so glad youcalled.” Oh, Red. She can hear the sincerity in his voice. Of course he meantit, this is Red.

“Thank you, Red. I just…Well his birthday is coming upand I’m sure I don’t need to tell you that but it’s the first since he’s beengone and, though I know it shouldn’t mean anything, Tom isn’t here to help methrough it and as disgusting as he was, he was the only thing I had and I justdon’t know what to do,” and it’s all spilling out of her now, all the feelingsand thoughts that had been building up inside her ever since she realized Samwould have been fifty in a week’s time. “…And the all the grief and sadness isback and it’s like he just died even though it’s been over six months, I don’tknow why it’s so much more difficult all of a sudden but I just miss him somuch and I feel like I can’t breathe – “

It’s then, when her voice breaks off with a gasp,tears falling down her cheeks, that she realizes Red is speaking.

“Lizzie, Lizzie, it’s all right, just breathe, justbreathe for me, sweetheart, can you do that? Everything is going to be fine, Ipromise, it’s all right, just breathe.”

And Liz finds herself clinging to his voice like alifeline and she’s breathing easier now, taking deep gulps of air, and calmingherself.

“Is that better, Lizzie?”

“Yes.” She whispers, her throat sore and her voicehoarse. She already feels more empty and exhausted than she has in days.

Talking about it really does help.

“Now, I’m going to come over and we’re going to talkand you’re going to get some sleep tonight because I have a feeling you needit, all right, Lizzie?”

“All right.” Liz says easily, smiling a little now.Why did she wait so long to call him? Because, after all this time, she shouldknow one thing.

Red will always take care of her.

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