#my coworker always calls kids young man/lady when they’re in trouble

[theasylumchild]

My work friend, we’ll call him C and I went to six flags this weekend. We both work in a school and he was technically supposed to be going on a trip, but he had forgotten we already had plans, so he passed it off to another teacher.

While we were in the car, multiple students called him. We answered each call, thinking they needed help finding an adult who was on the trip. Nope. They always had an adult near them. They were just calling him to straight up ask where he was.

I’m sitting in the passenger seat this whole time, desperately trying not to laugh as multiple students read him the riot act for ditching them cause if they find out he ditched to hang out with me we’ll never hear the end of the rumors.

[maluminspace]

Genre: Fluff

Pairings: Michael Clifford/Reader

Word Count: 4.3k

Dedicated to: My sisterwife @h0tsos

Trigger Warnings: strong language

A/N: This is one of many Michael fics I have planned for my fave Mikey hoes… This ss meant to be just a cute little fluff before y’all get bombarded with filthy smut! I hope you enjoy this, my lovely steff! 

***

Unlike most of your co-workers, you love working on Saturdays. Sure, it’s the busiest day of the week and therefore you get more than your fair share of asshole customers. Most of the shit you have to put up with is worth it, though. 

Saturdays are just usually great for your very favourite part of your job at the music store: helping kids pick out their first instrument. Nothing beats the excitement on a child’s face when they’re allowed to choose a musical instrument to play. 

Today was turning out to be a slight disappointment, though. An unexpected rainstorm had swept over the city and kept most of your would-be-customers at home. 

It’s fast approaching lunchtime and you should be reaching your peak selling time, but the shop remains mostly empty. You lean on the polished countertop, sighing with boredom as you watch your co-worker help a middle- aged lady pick out a new case for her beloved violin. 

After a moment your attention drifts to the rain-splattered window. The street outside is pretty much deserted. A couple of people run from the cafe across the street to the bus stop a little further down the road. You watch them distractedly for a few moments, huddling together under the metal shelter until the bus pulls up and obscures your view, snapping you back to reality.

Just to give yourself something to do, you head into the back room to change the music, determined to put on something a little happier to lighten your mood. Pulling up the playlist on the computer, you queue up a few of your old favourite tunes that always help to bring a smile to your face. Once you’re all done you head back into the front of the store. As you take your place back behind the counter you notice a new customer has appeared during your short absence. A guy with a couple of kids are standing with their backs to you, looking at the selection of junior guitars you have on display on the front wall. 

Knowing that new customers usually like to just browse for a while before being asked if they need help, you leave them to it, busying yourself with tidying the display of plectrums on the countertop.

When you look up again a moment later, you notice the smallest kid isn’t standing with the man and his other child anymore. Confused, you glance around the room until you see him heading over to your display of speakers and amps. Kids have tried to climb and sit on them many times before, but you’re not about to let this kid scuff up your perfect display.  

As your co-worker is still busy with the violin lady, you realise very quickly that the job of controlling this child falls to you. You head out from behind the counter, making your way over to the little boy. “Hey, buddy!” You chime, keeping your tone light and friendly. “Where’re you heading off to!”

The child turns around, his bright green eyes wide and startled like he’d already been caught doing something wrong. He stares up at you silently for a moment, seemingly thinking of the best way to reply so that he doesn’t get into trouble. He looks extremely adorable, his dark blonde hair is fluffy and in disarray, like he’d recently taken off a hat or hood. His shiny red raincoat is still damp as are the bottom half of the dungarees he’s wearing and his Star Wars themed wellies are flecked with mud.

“It’s okay.” You reassure him, smiling brightly. “You haven’t done anything wrong, I just don’t want you to get lost, this is a big store y’know.”

The little boy glances over to the man and the other child that he’d come into the shop with. “Is that your daddy and big sister over there?” You ask kindly, trying to make comfortable conversation.

The boy nods, nervously stuffing his tiny hands into the pockets of his coat.

“Are you all here to buy a guitar?” You ask, determined to get this kid to relax a bit, he seems incredibly shy. 

“For Cordi.” He replies quietly. “It’s her eighth birthday.” His face lights up as though talking about his big sister is one of his very favourite pastimes.

You can’t help but mirror his large smile. “Wow, that’s fun! Guitars are my favourite, shall we go and see if your daddy and Cordi need any help?”

The child nods again before scurrying off back towards his family. You follow him, feeling pleased to finally have something productive to do. 

“Hey, dude.” The dad chuckles, picking up his son. “Cordi can’t decide which one she wants. We might be here a while, but I promise we’ll go and get some food after, yeah?”

The little family seem adorable and you’re looking forward to helping them out as you step a little closer to them. “Hi there, welcome to RockBeat, can I help you at all?”

For the first time, the father turns to face you and you have to fight not to blush. It’s instantly clear where your new little buddy got his pretty eyes from and the rest of the man in front of you is equally as perfect. His bleached blonde hair is damp from the downpour, and his cheeks are a bit flushed, but he’s by far the most beautiful man you’ve laid eye on in a long time. “Yeah, please.” He replies, smiling shyly. “I’m looking for a junior guitar for my daughter, do you have any recommendations?”

“Sure…” You reply just about managing to tear your eyes away from the angelic man to look at the young girl holding his hand. Just like her little brother and her dad, Cordi has the prettiest green eyes, surrounded by thick golden lashes. Her hair is tied in two long, dark blond pleats with a red ribbon at the end of each. “A little birdy told me it was your birthday.” You smile, hoping to give off a friendly vibe as the girl shifts closer to her father until she’s half hidden behind his leg. “I’ll do whatever I can to help you, birthday girl.”

Glancing back up at her dad, you feel your cheeks heat up with embarrassment when you notice the puzzled look on his face. Goodness knows how freaked out he must be that a complete stranger knows it’s his kid’s birthday. 

“Oh, your little boy told me!” You explain hastily.

The stranger glances at his youngest child, still nestled contentedly in his arms. “What have you been up to, Mr? You weren’t wondering off again, were you?”

The little boy buries his face in his dad’s shoulder, apparently feeling shy.

“Why do you have to be such an ass, Caleb!” Cordi huffs, rolling her eyes as she turns back towards the wall of guitars.

“Cordelia Karen!” The father gasps, his cheeks turning pink with embarrassment. “Don’t call your brother that, it’s not too late for me to change my mind about your birthday present, you know.”

Cordelia pouts, folding her little arms across her chest as she stares up her father pleadingly. “I’m sorry, daddy…”

The beautiful man in front of you immediately softens at his daughter’s apology.  “Okay, just don’t do it again.” He kisses his son’s cheek before placing him down on the ground and taking his hand.

It’s obvious that the father feels a little awkward now and you’re eager to help him relax. You glance over at the counter where your coworker is checking out the violin lady. “I’ll be right back.” You tell the little family before scurrying over to the counter. By the time you reach it, the only other customer in the shop is already heading off towards the exit. “Hey Gina.” You smile brightly, “I’m just helping this customer over here and it’s the little girl’s birthday, do we have any of those lollipops left?”

Gina nods as she brings out the pot of sweet treats from under the counter. They used to be left next to the till so that customers could help themselves, until a group of stupid teenagers used them as missiles, throwing them at each other across the shop. After that, your boss made it clear that the sweets and lollipops were for special customers only. 

You thank Gina and head back to your customers with the little pot. “We save these under the counter for our most important customers.” You explain in a faux serious voice, looking between all three of their faces. “I definitely think that a birthday girl and her family qualify as that.” You offer the pot to Cordelia who examines the contents for a moment before picking out a strawberry flavoured lolly. She offers her dad a questioning glance to ensure that she’s allowed to take it. He nods, rolling his eyes fondly.

“And what about you, lil buddy?” You ask, offering the pot to little Caleb, who’s still clinging to his father’s leg. “What’s your favourite flavour?”

Caleb surveys his options before pointing at a cherry flavoured lollipop. 

“Nice choice!” You commend, picking out the boy’s chosen lolly and handing it to him. “There are some seats over there, if you want to sit down while your sister decides what guitar she wants.

The little boy nods before looking up at his dad. “Can I play games on your phone?”

The father takes out his iPhone and unlocks it before handing it to his son, “stick to the ones that are already on there please, I don’t want any nasty surprises on my bill this time, young man!” 

Caleb giggles cheekily as he scurries off towards the little seating area and clambers onto a chair before unwrapping his lollipop.

“He’s gonna get my phone all sticky…” The dad groans. “I really need to buy him one of those kid’s tablets or something.” 

“Yeah, all of my friends with kids have said those things are a blessing” you laugh, sounding a bit nervous because you still can’t get over how beautiful this man is.

The blonde man returns a tiny giggle. “I wish that more of my friends had kids, maybe I’d make a lot less mistakes with my own, if I had people to give me advice.”

Your smile slips from your lips as the man in front of you suddenly becomes quiet and vulnerable. It takes all of your effort not to reach out and touch his arm. You’ve only known him for a couple of minutes and that would be a much too familiar gesture. Instead, you adopt an optimistic tone. “My friends make mistakes too, like every single day! I think that being a parent teaches the adults as much as the kids.”

The stranger gives a tiny huff of laughter. “You’re definitely right there…” 

There’s a sadness in the blonde man’s eyes that you desperately wish you could take away. You want to at least give him the opportunity to talk things out, it seems as though he keeps these particular emotions buried. You’ve known enough people like him to recognise the signs: the fake smiles, the worry lines on his forehead and the few premature grey hairs lurking at the dark roots of his bleached hair. “I’m sure you’re doing an amazing job… Your children both seem happy and they’re so polite! You wouldn’t believe some of the horrors we see in here sometimes.”

The blonde brightens up a little at your words and places a hand on his daughter’s shoulder, as though he’s trying to display how proud of her he is. “Thank you, that’s nice to hear. It’s easy to feel like a failure as a single dad sometimes.”

Cordelia huffs indignantly as she cuddles into his side. “You’re the best daddy in the whole world.” She declares, her pretty green eyes sparkling as though she might start crying. Her father appears to be just as emotionally affected by the words and the thought of either of them shedding so much as a single tear, breaks your heart. 

In an attempt to lighten the mood you paint a bright smile on your face and lean down to the little girl’s level. “I just realised that we haven’t all been properly introduced yet.” You hold out your hand to her as you tell her your name and she shakes it shyly as she tells you hers. You glance up hopefully at her dad, still smiling brightly. “And I’d love to know the name of the best daddy in the whole world.” You prompt, straightening up to your full height. 

The blonde man blushes a little as he shakes your hand. “I’m Michael.” He mumbles, shifting his weight awkwardly. “I’m not sure I really deserve that title, though.”

“Well I’m pretty sure that Cordelia said you are, and I trust her, she definitely wouldn’t lie to me.” You insist, your cheeks aching at how much you’re smiling now. There’s definitely something between the two of you, a connection of some kind. You sort of wish you’d met this guy in a bar or club or somewhere else that you could flirt with him openly and not have to worry about being judged by his children. “Anyway, we better get the birthday girl her big present!” You announce, finally letting go of Michael’s hand that you just realised you’re still holding.

Cordelia’s face lights up in a bright smile. “I’m gonna learn to play even better than daddy!” She exclaims, her pigtails bouncing as she jumps up and down on the spot.

“I don’t think that’d be too difficult.” Michael chuckles, tearing his eyes away from you to glance down at his little girl. “It’s been years since I even picked up a guitar...”

You scoff loudly. “Once you’ve mastered a musical instrument, the skill never leaves you.” You reassure the beautiful man in front of you. “Even if it gets a little rusty, it’s not hard to polish off. Maybe a new audience would help build your confidence back up.”

“Yes!” Cordelia grins excitedly. “All of my friends would love it if you played to us like you used to.” 

Michael bristles uncomfortably and you feel guilty for suggesting something he’s clearly not okay with. “Well I’m sure they’ll love it even more when you play for them!” You chuckle to Cordelia, hoping to redirect the conversation. “Let’s take a look at all these junior guitars and see which one’s worthy enough to be your first one!” You gesture toward the wall in front of them. “Are we looking for an acoustic or an electric?”

“I think acoustic to begin with.” Michael replies, surveying the options you have displayed on the wall. “I promised her she can have an electric one next year if she keeps up with her lessons until then.” He adds, shooting you a sideways glance, almost as though he’s seeking your approval for this parenting method. 

Nodding, you offer him an encouraging smile. “That sounds like a good deal to me! I think Cordelia is definitely right about who the best dad in the world is.”

Michael’s blush deepens a bit, but he keeps his eyes trained on the small guitars in front of him. “I’m still not sure about that.” 

Cordelia huffs and folds her arms across her chest like an angry teacher. “I’m gonna tell uncle Ashton that you’re being silly again.” She threatens. “He’s told you a million times that you’re great and that it’s not your fault that mama left…”

The blonde man gasps in horror at his daughter’s words as he cuts her off with a frantic wave of his hands. “Okay, Cordi, I get it. I’m sorry.”

Seemingly pleased with herself, Cordelia goes back to surveying the guitars on the wall.

“I’m sorry about that.” Michael mumbles. “I know your job must be difficult enough without hearing our life story.”

Resisting the need to hold back this time, you reach out and place a hand on Michael’s shoulder. “You don’t need to apologise. If there’s one thing I know about, it’s heartache.” You assure him, although your pained tone only seems to make him sadder. “I guess that’s just musicians for you, huh?” You add, hoping to lighten the mood a bit.

To your surprise, Michael doesn’t try to shrug your hand away, he simply raises his eyebrow curiously. “What do you play?” He enquires, seemingly genuinely interested in that area of your life. 

“I play guitar and sing, mostly.” You reply. “I’ve recently been trying to teach myself to play piano too. I’m not very good at that yet, though.”

Michael opens his mouth to reply but is cut off by Cordelia making an impatient noise. 

“I’m sorry birthday girl!” You giggle. “Do you see anything that takes your fancy?”

Cordelia grins, pointing at a bright red acoustic guitar with a decorative design around the middle. “That one’s really pretty!”

You nod thoughtfully, reaching up to take her chosen instrument from the wall. “Red’s my favourite colour, so this is the one I’d have suggested, too. Do you want to hold it?”

The little girl looks up at her dad for permission and awaits his confirmation before holding out her hands eagerly. “Yes please!”

It’s hard to tell who looks more excited and emotional in the moment when Cordelia takes the guitar from you. The little girl is obviously delighted but her father looks so proud and you’re sure that you notice him wipe a tear from the corner of his eye. Not wanting to draw his daughter’s attention to it, you call for your co-worker. “Gina, this is Cordelia, it’s her birthday today! That means she gets a free strap to go with her new guitar. Will you show her what options we have please?” 

Gina agrees easily and beckons the little girl over to the stand with the children’s guitar straps. Cordelia looks thrilled as she hands you the guitar back to you, before skipping over to your co-worker.

“This is a big day for you, huh?” You ask Michael gently. “Your little girl getting her first guitar, that’s a huge deal!”

Michael sniffles, trying to hide his face behind his hand so that you can’t see the fresh tears that escape from the corner of his eyes. “When she told me she wanted to learn to play an instrument, I expected her to say she wanted drumming lessons. She’s super close to my friend that used to be our band’s drummer, so I really expected her to want to be like him.” His voice is thick with emotion as he continues. “But when I asked her about it, she said she wanted to learn guitar so that she could be like her favourite person in the world. I thought she was going to follow that up by telling me about some band I’ve never heard of that her friends listen to or something. Instead, she said that her favourite person in the world was me and I…” 

When his voice breaks fully, you throw caution to the wind yet again and place both hands on his shoulders, not feeling quite brave enough to go in for a full hug. “Of course you are! I’ve known you all for like five minutes and I can tell that you’re a hero to both your kids. It’s obvious how much they love and look up to and from what I’ve seen, it’s well deserved.”

Michael offers you a watery smile. “I don’t feel like I deserve it all. If it wasn’t for my amazing friends and my wonderful parents, I don’t know I’d cope. I definitely couldn’t do this entirely alone.”

It feels slightly awkward because you want to know more about his life and how you can help make it better but it feels strange to think that when you’ve only just met him. “Well, from an outside perspective, I think you’re doing a brilliant job. It’s adorable that your little girl wants to be like you. She’s made a good choice if you ask me.” You smile all-too-fondly.

Michael seems to really appreciate your words. He hastily wipes his eyes and forces a brighter smile onto his face. “Anyway, I better go and see how much this fancy guitar is gonna cost me…” He chuckles. “Kids never seem to pick the least expensive option for anything.”

“Well today must be your lucky day because, this is in our lower price range and you qualify for the birthday discount, of course.” You give him a friendly wink before heading over to the counter.

“Is that a real thing?” Michael asks sceptically. “I’m happy to pay whatever the real price is, I don’t want you to get into trouble…”

You wave your hand in a dismissive gesture. “It’s a discount I’m allowed to give I promise.” You reassure him. “It also comes with a free case. So she’s really let you off lightly.”

Michael doesn’t seem convinced that he’s entitled to all that you’re offering but he doesn’t argue as you enter the product code into the till. You add the ‘birthday discount’ which is really your staff discount that you should use for friends and family only, but you see it as helping to secure a future friend, which is just as important as existing ones in your opinion. His face brightens as he sees how much the price is reduced and it makes your heart feel full. “Are you sure that’s right?” He questions disbelievingly. 

“Yeah, that’s right.” You confirm, ringing through the transaction.

Before Michael can question you further, Cordelia bounces over to the counter brandishing a bright rainbow coloured guitar strap. “Can I have this one, daddy?” She asks hopefully and squeals with delight when Michael nods. 

The father still seems taken aback by your kindness when he slides his card into the machine and types in his pin number.

“I’ll just go and grab the free case.” You offer, before heading into the store room. You wish that you could give Michael and his kids even more free stuff just make them smile but you really would get into trouble if you gave them anything else. Once you locate the plain black fabric case for Cordelia’s chosen guitar, you pull it from the shelf and head back into the shop where the little family are gathered near the counter. “Do you want me to put the guitar in here for you?” You ask, unzipping the case.

“Yes please.” Cordelia replies. “Thank you for all my free extras!”

You grin widely as you place the guitar and the strap into the case and hand it to the little girl. “You’re more than welcome! Just remember to always ask for me when you come back here and I’ll always make sure I give you the best deals.” 

“About that…” Michael mumbles awkwardly as he picks up a sleepy looking Caleb. “It’s been a long time since I played guitar, I could do with a refresher on how to change strings and tune it up, would you be able to help me with that?”

“Sure.” You nod, hoping for the first time ever that a string breaks on the new guitar sooner rather than later so that you get to see Michael again. “If you’re passing before that, though, I wouldn’t say no to a piece of birthday cake.”

Cordelia giggles at your cheeky wink and then tugs at her father’s coat sleeve. “We can bring some tomorrow, can’t we?” She asks excitedly.

“I don’t see why not.” Michael agrees before turning his gaze back to you. “As long as you’ll be here.” 

“I will be.” You confirm. “I can’t wait to see you all again.”

Michael reiterates that he’ll be back tomorrow before thanking you once again and turning towards the exit.

You can hear Cordelia chatting excitedly all the way out of the shop and your heart sinks as they step out into the rain.

“What the fuck are you still standing here for?” Gina chuckles, startling you out of your thoughts. “Go give him your number!”

You shake your head, watching through the large window at the front of the shop as Michael places Caleb down on the pavement and takes the guitar from Cordelia. “I can’t do that, he’d laugh at me…”

“He made it clear that he was single and the tension between the two of you was un-fucking-barable.” Gina groans, rolling her eyes impatiently. “Either go and give him your number or I will!”

Trying not to overthink it, you scribble your phone number onto a scrap of paper and hurry out of the shop. Michael and his children are still standing in front of the window and look up at you in surprise when you jog over to them. “I wanted to give you this.” You smile, fully aware of how much you’re blushing. “Just in case you have a broken string emergency or anything before tomorrow.”

Michael glances down at you number before meeting your gaze, his green eyes sparkling softly. “Is it okay to use this for a general chat as well?” He asks, the nerves in his voice barely disguised. “It’s been a long time since I made any new friends”

“Of course… And I’d love to see a photo of what Cordelia’s cake looks like before she brings me a slice of it tomorrow!”

The blonde man smiles softly. “General chats and cake photos are the least we can do to thank you.”

After saying goodbye once again, you head back into the shop to dry off, feeling proud of yourself for being brave for once. You head into the kitchen to make yourself and Gina a warm drink, still not quite believing that your risk had paid off. When you return to the counter, you are rewarded by a text message pinging through to your phone. When you open the message from the unknown number, you smile to yourself at the simple words that suddenly mean so much to you. 

Thanks again for today. You’ve made Cordelia’s birthday so much more special and we can’t wait to see you again tomorrow!

It’s strange how quickly you’ve developed a fondness for Michael and his little family. You’re fully aware that nothing may come of this, but you have a feeling that you’ve gained a new friend at the very least.

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[fuck-customers]

I've been working in the supermarket for only little mire than a momth and I'm already fed up. These are some of the more unpleasant encounters I've had with customers in this time: -Maybe third or fourth day in the job and the first day I didn't have someone shadowing me, an elderly lady comes in, and before even saying hello demands someone to come help pack her bags. Now, I'm new and didn't even know we did that kinda thing (apparently this is more common in america but here we don't have designated baggers) and I didn't exactly know who to call for so I fumbled awkwardly for a minute until the lady's adult daughter who was behind her in line stepped in and said she'd help with the bags as she had just finished loading her stuff on the belt too. While I'm cashing out the old lady, I'm having to look up most of the fruit and vegetable numbers in my little booklet because... well, I'm new so at this point I only know apples and bananas off the top of my head bc those are the most common ones. So with everything i look up, she keeps telling me (in a very exasperated tone) what they are. Hey lady guess what. I know these are champignons. If I didn't know what they were, a) I'd ask you, and b) I wouldn't be able to look them up because as you can clearly see from where you are standing, this list does not have pictures. So she kept doing that, and her daughter kept being like "Mom stop, let the young lady work" and I kept getting more pissed off and anxious at the same time because I felt like I was taking too long (on my very first day I even had a panic attack because of this feeling of taking too long) so I said in my best customer service voice: "I'm really sorry I'm taking so long, I just started this job and I don't know everything yet!" And the old lady just said "Yes, I can tell." Like wtf rude!!? Can you just chill?? She also did nit say goodbye or thank you when I said "Have a nice day" as she left, her daughter shot me a look that just screamed "I am so sorry" (The same old lady came back a week or so ago, I only recognized her because she asked for help bagging again and this time I knew what to do and also didn't take as long because by now I have the most important numbers memorized, so she was a lot friendlier to me and even smiled at me, so maybe she was just having a bad day the first time around.) -A man came to my register with a small collection of items and two empty gas cartridges for those water carbonator thingies for at home. Our supermarket does this thing where you can bring in your empty cartridges and exchange them for new ones. However, they come in two sizes and I only had small ones left at my register while the ones the man brought were big. The two or three next registers in front of me were unmanned at this time and I was at the last one so no one behind me. I also couldn't call out to a cashier further down through the speaker system to ask if they had any because of course the speaker at my register didn't work, just my luck. And yelling across three registers was out of the question. So I told the man he'd need to go to another register to exchange his cartridges, at which he got really pissed and started yammering about having to get back in line etc. Sir. You can just walk up and ask, and nobody will complain because the exchange takes next to no time. Anyway, I finish cashing him out and ask if he wants his receipt, as I do with every customer, and in this really rude tone he goes "Yea I guess I DO need it because I HAVE TO GET BACK IN LINE" and walks away without a goodbye of course These next three all happened within the same day, on which I also happened to be really fucking sick but I dragged myself into work because I just got this job and didn't want to be fired. -A man came in with his young son and asked about a point promotion we had in cooperation with the WWF, where for every certain amount spent you'd get a point and with a certain number of points you could get a figurine of one of a few different endangered animals (Elephants, pandas etc) and of course parents and kids were all over that. I used to own a ton of these figurines myself as a kid, now I think my brother has most of mine. But anyway the man asks about these figurines and just earlier I had seen a note about this in the cash office so I told him what I had read on the note- that only registers with an even number have a basket with these toys, which meant I didn't have one because this time I was on register Number 3. He immediately got pissed because of this and was like "God, why don't you guys put a sign up?!" I ofc in customer service mode go "Yes I'm really sorry about that sir, I'm not sure why we don't have one, I'll bring it up with a manager later" yada yada ya know that fake shit but he just keeps bitching about having to get in line again and I have anxiety so I was kinda freaking out and didn't think to tell him that he can just walk right up to a register without getting back in line and ask to check out the toys, which people did all the time while it was going on. He ends up paying for his stuff or whatever and then walks off without saying goodbye (I see a recurring theme, when customers are mad they drop the greetings and basic politeness) and as he's walking off with his son and without a toy he's just muttering about shit service yada yada. -A little while later I was doing a return for a lady who had noticed the mugs she bought scanned for more than the price on them and I had missed the sticker for the new price because it was on the bottom and I hadn't turned the mugs over. She was really nice about it, she could probably also tell I was sick and made an honest mistake out of not being able to focus that well. Anyway I had already called for a superior to authorize the return because cashiers can't do that by themselves and this man I had cashed out a minute ago stomps up, cuts next to the lady, slams down a net of oranges and starts semi-yelling at me for ringing it up wrong- the net didn't have a barcode on it (not sure why, sometimes they do and sometimes they don't and sometimes when they do they don't work... it's weird.) So I punched in the number for oranges and weighed them, because I didn't really know what else to do? The net was supposed to be 2,99 and weighing it made it a little more expensive but not by much, maybe 10 cents- so really nothing to throw such a fit over. I tried to explain and showed the man that it didn't have a barcode to scan so I had no other way to determine a price but he kept interrupting me, telling me he didn't give a shit why I did what I did but that I did it wrong and to fix it and fix it now, yada yada. I could feel a panic attack coming on but the lady I was doing the return for (which nobody had come for yet, by the way) helped keep me calm and shot the guy a dirty look foe being so aggressive, I was super anxious because not only did I have to deal with two people waiting for something now, it was also super busy and I also kept cashing people out while they were waiting and I actually had to call for someone a second time because just nobody was showing up to authorize the damn return, and when someone finally did, the superior took the two of them to a different register to do the return because I had a bunch of people in line with big carts. -The last one for that day wasn't even that big of a deal but it still kinda pissed me off just because I was already upset from the previous encounters- a customer came up with a few cans of... let's say beans for simplicity- and he had stuck these stickers on them from a promotion we had going on, they had their own barcode and if you scan that barcode and then scan the product it takes a percentage off this product. However I had not seen the stickers until the guy pointed them out after I pulled through about five of the cans, because as I said I was having trouble concentrating because I was sick and the stickers were almost exactly the same color as the cans so I had simply missed them. The guy didn't trip about it and I called over the speaker for someone to authorize cancelling the proces so I could restart the process since I'm unable to apply the discount manually. A few minutes of awkeard waiting unable to continue pass and no one comes. I call out a second time, assuming I had simply not been heard or understood as my voice wasn't in the best shape, so i made sure to speak extra clearly. A few more mintes pass. Nothing. I call out a third and a fourth time, and after a total of what felt like probably ten minutes someone FINALLY got their ass to my register so I could do my thing. Of course customers in line had started getting impatient and I had heard one guy saying "oh my god what kinda bullshit is this" (i know right, it doesn't normally take this long i swear, normally someone's with you within a minute!!) Of course that guy did not greet me or respond to anything, just wordlessly held up his card to indicate how he wanted to pay and then left without a word. Please don't do that? It's not my fault that apparently everyone didn't hear me calling out four fucking times. Also on the same day, I had to stay on the clock for an extra 20 minutes because my register and no. 6 and I think one other one were the only manned ones and 6 was currently switching with someone, so my coworker that I don't like because she always talks to me like I'm stupid came up and told me to wait with clocking out until they were done switching which took them pretty long as they're both new. Like please you can clearly tell I'm sick just let me go home who cares if there's only one register open for a few minutes? The store wasn't even that busy at the time. The only reason I had something to do all of those 20 minutes was that the customers that came up had their carts filled to the brim. Guess who ended up in the emergency clinic shortly after because I'd been working all week despite being sick and got a pretty severe ear infection as a result? That's right, it was me.

[moviesomnambulist]

THE MOVIE SOMNAMBULIST #5: Katie's Passion (Keetje Tippel)

The great rock critic Robert Christgau once said if KISS wasn't poised for maximum commercialization, they'd have called the band BLOWJOB. I believe the distributors of this film had a meeting and the title KATIE'S VAGINA was voted down to get showings in the South. This movie is about the cruelty of a capitalist system and also it's about Katie's vagina.

Katie is a young woman who moved with her family from the sticks to Amsterdam in the late 19th century. She travels by boat with her whole family, including many young siblings whose names we never learn (except Henry, but that's later) and an older sister whose name I chose to ignore in favor of the moniker "Asswipe". We first meet Asswipe when Katie discovers one of the crew bare-assed on top of her in exchange for a bacon biscuit. Katie, who thinks the whole business disgusting, smacks the sailor with her favorite book by Jules Verne. Since it's never mentioned in dialogue and it is a Dutch movie, I couldn't tell you which one (but it should be AROUND THE WORLD IN EIGHTY DAYS). The family makes their voyage and claims an extremely crappy single room for all ten or twelve of them to live in. There are rats, minor floods, and windows that could use some putty. It's so cold the first night that the patriarch of the family burns the children's wooden shoes for warmth. That Dutch kids/wooden shoes connection turns out to be a no-shit deal.

Now there are lots of movies about families enduring poverty together, working as a faithful clan to at least be happy that they're together. This movie was directed by Paul Verhoeven, so that's not what happens. Verhoeven's movies about Holland are always interesting (especially the amazing BLACK BOOK), because they are not at all compromising about how people behave. Even the worst characters in SHOWGIRLS are nicer to each other than some of these people. 

So even though it's a Verhoeven film, there are rules for this type of movie. A pretty girl with big dreams but little means can only go up, and either there's a fall or it's a Julia Roberts movie and it's all fine. Katie spends quite a lot of the movie trying to rise up. Her first job is in one of those wonderful Industrial Revolution era plants where women stand around a pool of toxic chemicals and dip wool in the green water. Everyone coughs like a consumptive and Katie's hands are burned when she touches the liquid. The other ladies laugh at her, while jamming their hands into the stuff and bleeding under the fingernails. At lunch, they demand Katie sing for them, so she sings about workers of the world uniting and they drown her out with a song about how awesome the monarchy is. And you thought we invented the Tea Party. 

There's a fight and Katie ends up sticking a coworker's face in the green liquid, blinding her. She is fired. The boss, a round jerk who stands in the doorway of the work floor so that all the women have to crowd around him while he makes low moaning sounds, suggests there's other work Katie could do. One of the workers tips Katie off that "work" is strictly a euphemism, so Katie spits in the boss' face and now, I dunno, she's double-fired.

Katie goes home to find her dad smoking a cigar and Asswipe in a new fancy low-cut dress. It took her a whole day to become a prostitute, and now she runs the family. She behaves like a complete pig, even ripping pages out of Katie's favorite Jules Verne book to wipe her ass with after using the chamber pot (see what I did there?). As the breadwinner, she's in control of the family. So Katie gets a job as a lackey in a ladies' hat shop. The comeraderie is better, and the boss seems ok. Katie even makes some design suggestions for one hat and improves it. She helps deliver a load of hats to the local whorehouse and finds it's the one Asswipe works in. Katie bumbles into a room where a customer is trying to decide between Asswipe and two other ladies. The customer decides he wants none of them, but who's this fresh-faced blonde? Asswipe begs Katie to do the guy or she herself will be fired from the whorehouse. Asswipe invokes the cute starving faces of their siblings and begs Katie to take one for the team. So, she does.

Katie goes back to the hat shop and the boss sends everyone but Katie home for the night. Katie starts playing shadow puppets against a wall and this is the amazing I-shit-you-not moment of the film. Go look at the picture post for this entry. You’ll know which one I mean.

That is not the boss' clever shadowpuppetry. That's just his dong. So the Hat Shop boss rapes Katie and she quits. As she leaves, she heaves a cobblestone through the window and produces a smile that lasts all of three seconds (I clocked it) before the weight of her shitty life mashes the corners of her mouth down again. Next day, she's walking around with Henry, one of her young siblings. They're starving, so Katie takes a flagpole and flips a bread wagon over. Everyone scrambles for bread and Katie takes a truncheon to the head from a cop. Off to hospital she goes. At the hospital, one of the other patients offers to sponge-bathe Katie. The other patient's arm goes waaaaay down Katie's gown and Katie innocently asks "You wash down there?" Everybody. Wants. Katie's. Vagina.

Katie is examined by an old doctor who puts a stethoscope next to her exposed nipple to listen to her lungs. He even brushes it a bit, real casual-like in extreme close-up. To keep the theme of "life is shit" going, the doctor tells Katie she has a lung ailment from her day in the green liquid factory. To survive, she needs medicine. But she can't afford the medicine. But she does have that vagina, and that's worth more than gold. She can get stuff with it at more places than AmEx. One of her former coworkers is also here, but she's too far gone and has no magic vagina-time to trade, anyway. The nuns place a lit candle in her hands for reasons I cannot fathom. She begs Katie to take it away as the wax burns her hands.

Things get worse. Now healthy, Katie spots little Henry selling looks at his little boy wanger to pervy creeps. Katie calls her little brother a tramp. He calls her a bitch. It seems like dialogue from another movie entirely. Katie goes home in a daze. Asswipe lost her whore-job (it sounded like because of drinking), so the mother of the family tells Katie to take Asswipe's whore-gear. Mom wants to turn Katie out as the new breadwinner of the family. 

On her first outing, Mom keeps watch for trouble as Katie does an old creep, but then takes off with the half-florin Katie makes so she can have a sausage. Katie wanders off on her own and meets an artist who only wants to paint her. I know what you're thinking. He isn't a serial killer. This actually surprised me.

From here the movie puts her in the hands of Hugo the banker (Rutger Hauer, who is doing here with his penis what he did throughout the 80s with a gun--whipping it out in every other scene he's in). Katie, Hugo, and Katie's first john pre-enact a scene from PRETTY WOMAN (it is nearly exact), and then Katie emancipates herself from her family. Katie comes back to get whatever parts of her favorite book haven't been used as toilet paper and tells her mother "They're your children. They're not my responsibility!" Katie moves in with Hugo and he leaves her for a rich woman. He offers to set her up in a little apartment, just so he can visit Katie's vagina every now and then. Katie takes her vagina and leaves, walking straight into and joining a workers' march. Yep, if anyone's been exploited by capitalist society, it's Katie. There's plot stuff at the end, but it's mostly loose end stuff. Katie ends up with Andre, who's very rich. So there you go.

It's a good-looking film. Verhoeven is always watchable, because he's utterly nuts. Much more sex is implied than shown, but this movie is more about degradation than sex. Wanger to hoohah ratio is about even. So is someone going to finance that life of Jesus movie Verhoeven wants to do already? What more proof do you need that he's the man for the job?

Stayed awake for the whole thing because I starting wondering how it could get worse; then I wanted to see if they were gonna pull the rug out from under Katie. Seven wide awake eyes for this one. (One eye equals 15 minutes of runtime.)