#my coworker is out sick so ive had to do shit scheduled for three people. me. One person

[altoskh]

Imso tired man. I'm so tired. Why do I work this hard I am so FUCKING over this shit

[madisonrooney]

been getting more and more emotionally and socially drained by work. ik people on here joke a lot about like “i hate being perceived and seen and known” and all that but i honestly have felt that way a lot of my life, and when you work in retail, youre constantly in view and being watched yknow? 

sure i went to school for a big chunk of my life but at least in college when the mental illness really started fleshing out, i could just hide in the back of the class on my computer and an entire semester would go by without my classmates learning pretty much anything about me. now its not only customers but coworkers, youll say some embarrassing shit, which isnt uncommon when youre there as many hours as you are since you start to get rambly, and you cant just shrug it off bc guess what youll see them again tomorrow and the next day and the next day...

ive already had to leave early bc of panic attacks on two different occasions. ive already cried while out on the floor. ive already cried in front of multiple leads and managers. and again, you have to face them again and god its humiliating. 

i just constantly find myself needing time in complete isolation and silence to recuperate, but not having much of it. typically, i only have 2-3 hours after i get home to do anything before i go to bed, and it usually takes me that much time just to catch up on my social media. even if i forgo that for a night, with my attention span, i still cant get much of anything done.

plus im typically busy on any and all of my days off

i just. would really love to have like a week where i just do not have to be seen by a single other person, or at least my public outings can be anonymous like shopping or something. i feel my best on days like that. during quarantine, i honestly had no problem not seeing anyone else besides my parents for more than a year. if anything, i got sick of my parents lol. id spend months on end on my own and dont remember having much of a problem at all with it. sure, id want to remotely hang out with friends, but that would feel more comfortable bc i didnt necesarilly have to be on camera and i could end it whenever i wanted to. i remember going 13 days without setting foot out of my front door and i honestly loved it.

anyway im getting off topic. going back to the matter at hand, i guess my brain is just trained to think that im gonna get a “summer break” at some point but i wont. i feel like i need something like that but idk if i can get it. even if i had my own events going on, it would be nice to have a few days in between where i just had nothing going on, which is what my summers used to be like.

bottom line is this doesnt have to do with my job specifically, its just jobs like this in general. i think in serious enough cases, im good at not just taking what i get but getting what i want out of a situation and i would say thats the case here. im not complaining bc i should have a different job and just dont feel like getting one, im complaining bc capitalism is just inherently like this. my job checks all the main boxes for me: i get pretty much all the days off that i want, the hours are late so it works with my whack sleep schedule, and its not a creative job where theres work to take home, it ends at a certain hour and then you dont have to think about it until you come back, which is p much necessary for my ocd. anything beyond those three factors matters much less. so yah, its the best i can get all things considered, but it still has its issues.

the one potential thing that could get me less social interaction would be training to work in the back, but i mean id still have to socialize with coworkers, plus ive heard you kinda make your own schedule back there so haha thats a no go for my ocd. it also seems too physical for me.

[melloveslove]

Preach Practicin'

I've suffered from PTSD, from my childhood. My parents divorced when I was at a very young age and neither one of them had any sort of concept on how to raise a healthy human being. Because their parents didn't know how and those parents of those parents didn't know how and on and on it went. I had a fucked up childhood and I went to therapy to deal with it. Part of that therapy was attempting to start this blog. And I don't even know what this Tumblr blog even is anymore because all I started doing was sharing, how I wanted to feel and how I wanted to look at the world and how I wanted the world to look at itself. And for the most part I live the things that I post. For over a decade I've considered myself a spiritual intentionalist. No such thing as accidents or coincidences. You make your future you decide how you're going to feel and all of that other happy horseshit. But for the past six months I have been living in a world that I don't feel that I created. I am experiencing things that I don't think I invited and I don't know what the hell to do with any of it. It started with the divorce. The father of my three kids and the man that I've been with since the year 2000 just…ugh. I shouldn't have been with him for 17 years. I shouldn't have created three human beings with him. I shouldn't of kept trying and trying and trying to change someone. It all came to a head when I started respecting myself. The divorce was/is amicable enough but the day after I decided that I didn't want a husband anymore, was the day that my first true love, or the person that I thought was my first true love, reached out to me through Facebook. It was a shock to say the least. This supposed first true love turned out to be a recovering meth addict. When I attempted to help him in his recovery I learned that I'm not the person I was when I was 17 and that I am not anyone's fucking mother. Twofold, I am not my ex-husband's mother and I am not going to mother old boyfriends who are batshit crazy. The day that my now ex-husband moved out was the same day that my old ex-boyfriend went psycho and I dropped him like a hot rock, and the same day that I got one of the worst flu's I've had in my entire life. Which was when I discovered how awful some of my coworkers are. That segues into my psycho coworkers and the people that I have to deal with every single day, the people I've had to deal with every single day for the past six months. People that are trying to get me fired. People that ride my ass for the stupidest things you could possibly be ridden for. I work in animal shelter, and today for example I got into trouble for not walking a dog properly. I got in trouble for not knowing that I wasn't supposed to park my car in a certain spot. I got into trouble for taking too long cleaning outdoor dog kennels. I got into trouble for turning a the knob on the dryer the wrong direction. Six months people. I've been dealing with this sort of insanity for six months and I don't know how much longer I can deal with it. The last week of May and into the first week of June I missed nine days of work because all of a sudden my right foot stopped working. I saw three specialists and the only thing I got out of it was that I definitely had plantar fasciitis, and heel spurs, they're not quite sure what else is wrong. Here came more medical bills. And a bunch of coworkers who thought I was faking it. Things really took a turn for the worse. Speaking of things that I don't know how much longer I can deal with, my divorce is still ongoing. The day after my ex-husband moved out of the house, the house that he said I could keep in the divorce so that our kids could stay in their school district, I found out from the mortgage company that he hadn't been paying the mortgage. I was supposed to come up with a $17,000 reinstatement fee. On 1 July it had come up to $25,000. A single mom that works for a nonprofit, who has no rich friends, who has family that sucks and isn't helpful and never has been, and who doesn't have very great credit can't get a loan for more than $6000. i've spent the last six months trying to sell off everything I own. On top of getting multiple phone calls per day from debt collectors. And every time they call I say I'm trying to save my house I'm trying to save my kids from moving I'm trying to save all of my pets from going off to new homes. That's failing. We all have to go. And by all of us that includes my new life partner and companion. The one thing I always intended to have was a person who was intelligent and responsible, a good parent, just someone that I could fall in love with who would fall in love with me back. It sounds crazy because I was married but marriage to me was a lot of things but I was never in love. So I met this guy back in April. And it was love at first sight or something like that for both of us. And we went real quick. Because it felt like it was meant to be, all of the things that the other person was needing and searching for and wanting to share we found within each each other. It was magic. The magic turned into some sort of an awful cauldron spell that had gone horribly wrong on June 17. He was riding his motorcycle just down the road from my house, the first time in all of his years of riding that he wasn't wearing any of his gear. He avoided an oncoming car and got into a terrible motorcycle accident. He almost died and spent five days in the ICU hooked up to all the machines you see on TV. He was in the hospital a total of 18 days. And now he has to get antibiotics by IV every day and he has a gastric tube that will stay in for who knows how much longer. And his stomach is still an open hole that has a wound VAC attached to it. He couldn't go back to where he was living because he would be by himself and he couldn't take care of himself by himself, so because I love him not only as a partner but as a person I moved him into my house so that I could help take care of him. A house that I'm getting evicted from because it's being foreclosed on in three weeks. Oh and the ex-husband, he was also knee-deep in debt. And the child support that he is supposed to be providing because he's gone all of the time, I mean all of the time his jobs out of state he's never here, he can't pay because the credit card companies wiped out all of his bank accounts. I can't even get into all of the problems that my 15-year-old son has decided to start doing but let's just say that I had to have three sheriffs Deputy's assist me in getting him out of his girlfriends car because he refused to come home. And he got into deep shit by the cops because he was lying about why he wouldn't come home and they knew it and I knew it oh and I think he's stealing cash. Did I mention that my youngest child is on the autism spectrum with an anxiety disorder and ADHD? A week before the motorcycle accident I dropped and broke my phone, ran over something and popped a tire, I am lost my retainers which I have to come up with $310 to replace because if I don't over $5000 worth of medically necessary orthodontics will be for nothing. I guess I'm just putting it all out there that people who profess to look on the bright side and who believe in intentionality and who believe that there is a lesson in every life's obstacles and all of the other things that I profess to believe and have it hard too. And I know that I'm not in a war torn country and I know that I'm not living under a perpetual fear of murder by cops or being beaten by a partner or some life-threatening disease... but this shit is hard too. I can't sleep without the help of meds. I grind my teeth and I get migraines and I hyperventilate and I get sick and I cry and I can feel depression rolling through my body into my hands. All of my so-called friends have said over and over that they would help me, but did they help me when I needed to sell all my shit off and held a huge garage sale? Did they help me when I said I needed to have a packing party? Did my family step up and help me with my children when I needed to keep working full-time? No. None of these things happened. I am completely and utterly alone. The divorce will keep proceeding and I will still have to keep taking care of my kids without any sort of financial support from their dad. I will have to keep working in one of the most stressful jobs in the nation with people who are hell-bent on making me quit. I have to keep taking care of MyPerson whom I love, and the gratitude that I have for his recovery is awesome. I have to keep trying to be there for my 15-year-old son and I have to find a way to get him the mental health support that he so desperately deserves that I can't provide. I have to keep trying to maintain schedules and structure and stability in a world of chaos for my 11-year-old. I have to force myself to keep eating and drinking water and repeating mantras and getting enough sleep. But there are not enough beautiful Memes or photos with idyllic quotes to get me through this crap. And I keep wondering if I did something wrong. How did I invite this reality? And how do I make it better when I don't feel like I invited it to begin with?… End rant.

[anothergirlrecovering]

Lynn 80

Lynn opened the door and invited me in. I walked in and said that it smelled good like her essential oils in there, and she she thanked me. She asked how im doing and I said good and asked how she was. She said she was also good and asked how my week has been. I said I don’t know its been good but at the same time I’ve been super anxious and she asked why. I said I don’t know but ive narrowed down my week into two things. I first started by saying how I was asked to be an iop therapist and how weird the interview was, and I think she just took it more so being a good pay opportunity. She said treatment centers have a lot of money and her friend is contracted to do one day a week and makes like 5 or 600 a day because she says she has athriving practice and by being at the center she is missing out on that pay. Lynn was like you need to make sure you are negotiating a good pay for this. I said okay and that I hadn’t really known what ot expect with that but that it seemed like a good opportunity to be able to say that ive worked in a treatment center and honestly I enjoy group therapy and would like to be able to do that once a week, just not a full time inpatient thing. She was like oh ok that’s good. I said the other thing was the mind fuck with my mom with how well she handled me coming to visit and lynn was basically like well it sounds like a good week and maybe your mom is changing because people change and I was like I mean maybe and she was like or youll get an earful of guilt when you go and then you can be like ok im tired im gonna go now and besides youre used to tht and its to be expected right? I was like yeah that’s true. She was like so overall it sounds like a really good week, idk why youre anxious and I was like idk I guess just feeling overwhelmed in general and my employee under me who sucks has been fucking up again and she was basically like well maybe its time to leave this job since this other job just fell into your lap and I was like idk because I wouldn’t have insurance or benefits and she was like oh that’s right but if its affecting you it might be worth it still and I was like idk everything is up in the air because what if we have a kid or something and she was ike yea. I said I just wished that I was better at manging my anxiety around conflict because I always panic and be overly nice and I said how my husband overheard me on the phone with him and how when I hung up he asked why I was so nice and said he would have ripped him a new one and handed his ass to him and how Juliana was like wait you said that o him? And said a better response that lets him know hes walking a fine line with being fired and I just wish I didn’t panic about it. Lynn basically said people who are conflict avoidant sometimes just cant be supervisors and I just sat there feeling like shit and was like ok. She was like idk but maybe you need to look at what your long term goals are and see when its going to be time to leave. I was like I mean the treatment center laid out options of eventually doing all three days and doing my private practice there with benefits but I don’t want o get ahead of myself. She was like oh ok. I said idk what my long term goals really are, just htat I always take on anything that makes me feel like it makes me look better because I hope it will make me feel better about myself. She was like oh ok and then awkwardly stared at me like she was waiting for me to add something to it. She was like so what do you want ot work on and I was like I guess what weve been working on.

She pointed to the tappers and was like well it looks like we were at a 1 and I was like with what and she was like ummm and flipped through her notes and apparently wasn’t sure what she was even talking about and was like well whats the sud when you think of the target belief and I was like I don’t matter unless im sick? And she was like or just I don’t matter and I was like idk I guess it’s a 6 or 7 because my heart starts to race and I feel anxious when I think about it. She was like ok well just go with that. I noticed that I was like well why don’t I matter, and then the rest of my emdr is a mix of it all because I cant remember everything and I went and got kava and talked to the lady for a while so im trying to remember it all now. I noticed that I nevre really bring up my issues with my dad but I know that we have them because we never talk and I feel livid when I do talk to him and idk why. She asked me to notice that and why and I was like I really don’t know but my parents always said I was just ahormonal teen and it was a me thing and idk if that’s true or something happened and I feel like theres something wrong with me because I still feel instantly so mad like if my dad picks up the house phone or my moms phone. She asked me to notice again why and I was like idk ive felt this way probably since I was like 12 and I was trying to thnk of what might have happened when I was 12 and I said I started my new school and hated it and she asked who made me go there and I said both my parents and she was like well maybe youre mad about that and I was like maybe and she said to go with that and I said well I know it made me mad that it felt like they never respected my boudnaries or space because I remember feeling so out of place at school and never remembered them asking about that but do remember them pushing me hardcore to call this group of girls at the school to hang out and I felt so anxious and they made me do it anyway but I knew I was an outsider and it dindt work out because they were busy. I said I felt like I never really had any control over when I did or said or who I was And I said I rememberd being forced to go to church when I dindt want to anymore and I would lie and say I was sick or my stomach hurt and try to do anything to get out of it but they didn’t let me.I said I wasn’t allowed to watch pg13 movies and went with whatever I was told like how I thought I preferred chocolate and how I thought I hated musical theate because they told me that but I actually dint hate it. I noticed how when  Lynn asked me if I could have compassion for that 12 yr old kid and I was like um idk and she was like think about it and I was like I mean when I think about my 12 yr old me faking jokes to get my friends fruit snacks because I was hungry yes, and I can appreciate that I was empathic like remembering my 7th grade teacher having had bulimia and feeling empathy for her, but I cant empathize with that kid who lived in the controlling house with my parents. I noticed that I cant empathize because I feel like they gave me everything an she was like um but, and I was like idk why it feels like that negates everything else and she was like I was about ot ask that and I was like because I remember him fighting with me and always being like I sacrificed everything for you and I gave up my dream and my friendships and my own hobbies so that I could be at your activities and I thought about how my two fellow coworkers who are moms will bitch about their kids sports schedules but at the nd of the day they always say how they do it because they love their kids and it makes them happy and I started to tear up and I said that it never felt like my dad really was there because he wanted to be there and he loved me, it felt more like it was keeping up appearances or because he felt like he should and I was some sort of obligation. I said how maybe I don’t usually feel as bothered by the dad issues because I do have some positive memories looking back with him, like where he took my brother and I to play stick ball or softball. Although now that I think about it, it makes more sense that the reason im not as bothered by my dad issues is because it evokes anger and I avoid anger at all costs. She asked me if I could have compassion for that kid and I was like honestly not really and she said basically that I can continue to feel guilty forever and I was like thanks lynn and she was like well its true or you could start having compassion for yourself. I was like I just wish that I dint feel like it was my fault and she was like well you start by having compassion for yourself, and I just kind of stared at her because it doesn’t really make sense to me and she was like just try it, just try. I said I would try.

She had me pay and scheduled for next time. She asked if id be in the city this weekend and I said yeah and asked what shows hse suggests I see. I was shocked because she totally blanked and was like see hello dolly and I was like um ok and she was like what else is on right now and I was like well if you cant remember, they must not have been that good and she was like no its not that lol. I was like ok and she was like well actually we just saw mean girls. She said her and her daughter didn’t love it but it was ok. She suggested Sweeney todd saying if I liked dark things it was a good one. She was like go see Hamilton and I said I was seeing it on tour for my birthday. I said that people keep suggesting once on this island but I don’t generally like islander type things, like I wasn’t a big fan of moana. She was like I loved moana I thought it was just so pretty. She said she did see once on this island and it was short and she thought it was ok but she loved the costumes and she said but shes a costume person. I was like and hey maybe on a brighter note, I felt sort of indifferent when my mom said she wanted to see a show with me and she was like well if shes paying for it take it and I was like shes making me pay her back lol but I don’t mind because its phantom, but last summer I had a total melt down over my mo not wanting to see dear evan Hansen with my on my birthday and this time around I guess I just dindt have any sort of care or expectation with it. She said it was definitely progress and I was like and I got tickets for deh again because I love it so much. She laughed and was like sounds like you have it all planned out and I was like well phantom Friday and she was like don’t forget I told you about rush tickets and I was like and ill rush Saturday come from away and see deh that night, but im trying to figure out what to do for Sunday. She was like ok well I still vote for hello dolly. Lol I was like ok, ill keep that in mind. I said goodbye and headed out.