#my dad looked like Cthulhu but with my dad's height

[justarandomllamacorn]

Today, for the second time, I dreamt that my parents were leading a cult.

They were about to have a ceremony that would turn my father into a Cthulhu looking humanoid, not affect my mother and turn their followers into zombie like monsters (their skin would turn ashy, eyes empty, only driven by a hunger for flesh).

Anyway, today again (this is the second time they have this ceremony in my dreams) I refused to partake in it so my father threw a handful of wasted rice in the room in which I planned to barricade myself so that the famished mindless monsters would attack me first since I was the closest to them.

We were in a huge complex made of shipping containers, in the countryside. And right next to the shipping container in which I planned to barricade myself there was a library full of old books, I went in and saw a guy who had come here with parents, I could see he had been bidding things in here but pretended I hadn't witnessed anything and started talking about literature. He left, and I picked some books to keep me occupied during the ceremony and it's aftermath. I cleaned up the room I would be using so it didn't smell like spoiled food and wouldn't bring the monsters to attack me and barely closed the front door in time for the beginning of the ceremony. The back was too heavy and wouldn't budge so I ran out as the sky turned to red and scaled up the side of the containers to get to the roof.

There I could see the ceremony unfolding. I went to hide on the other side of the complex, sat on a lower roof above a window, when a boy my age came over to me. I was surprised to see him as I was sure he was a loyal follower and would choose the transformation like the others as it was a great honour and a blessing to them. But he hadn't, he was kind, we spoke a little, he wrapped his vest around my shoulders, gave me a warm mug of milk and a chocolate covered biscuit, "my favourite thing to eat when I'm distressed" , he had said. He smiled gently, accepted to take back his vest and climbed down again, jogging away like in those romantic movies tropes.

Immediately, I stood up and climbed up again, he was a spy, a retriever, he would come back and capture me. My heart beat faster than ever as anxiety rose up in me but still I ran across the roofs, jumping to other roofs, I looked back and saw him pursuing me. I ran like a beast before a wild fire. Jumping and climbing higher still, but he wouldn't give. Over, to the left, I could see the ceremony had worked and they had all transformed into mindless creatures (aside from mother and father, of course).

Eventually I stood on a really high roof and couldn't get to any other roof so I started climbing down the walls, looking through every window if it was safe for me to get in. He was getting closer still, I could feel the adrenaline rushing through my veins, and finally I went in through a window. The small old lady saw I was in a state of dissaray and looked on as I rushed to her locked front door. I hid fast as I saw Him coming in through the window, the blood rushing in my ears drowned out everything they were saying. I saw in a reflection, the old lady coming to the door and unlocking it.

Yet as I made a move to get to the door discreetly, the old lady bumped into the big boxes, sending them toppling onto the ground.

Frozen in shock, I turned my head around and saw him looking at me, nonchalantly half sat on the table. He smiled darkly at me, ready to collect his prize.

The old lady had betrayed me.

[simonxriley]

5, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30, 35, 40, 45, 50!

Thank you!

5: Zodiac sign (or your primal zodiac sign)

Cancer.

10: What's your current job like?/What job would you like to have?

Not working right now. I would love to have a job as astronomer but math and I don’t get along so another life time maybe. 

15: Your relationship status

It’s complicated. 

20: What are your deal breakers?

Smoking, my dad smokes and I’ve had enough second hand smoke in my life. Being rude to other people and being homophobic, transphobic and the likes. 

25: Your fears

Without going too deep, clowns, heights, talking on the phone. 

30: Any cool places in your area?

Not really, I live in a small town with nothing in it. 

35: Have any quirks?

I tend to bite my bottom lip a lot, don’t know why. 

40: Last 5 things from your search history

Far Cry 3 trophy guide - I need to look up where a good place was to do a few trophies

Ao3 - checking my account and answering any comments I might have. 

Cthulhu - Looking up more lore for a one-shot. 

Picrew - working on what I’ve been tagged in

Target

45: Your personality type

INFP, I really need to remember this so i don’t have to do the quiz again

50: Favorite color to wear?

Black, it goes with everything. 

[lost-combustion]

GET TO KNOW THE BLOGGER.

can be used for rp   &   non-rp blogs to get to know a bit about the person behind the screen   !

1. FIRST NAME:           Stephanie, but call me Bishy <3

2. STRANGE FACT ABOUT YOURSELF:            If you were to walk into my apartment, you’d find medieval weaponry hanging up on the walls all over the place. I also was always compared to Iron Man, only because my entire left arm is almost all metal.

3. TOP THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU FIND ATTRACTIVE ON A PERSON:             Their eyes are the first thing I look at. When I saw my wife first, I looked at her eyes and just. Yes. The next observation I really look at is the smile. Each smile holds part of their personality. Then I tend to notice their height. Luckily for me, my wifey is taller than me. <3 

4. A FOOD YOU COULD EAT FOREVER AND NOT GET BORED OF:               Ooooof. If I had to choose just ONE dish, I would have to choose Lemon Pepper fish. While I love sushi, and Alfredo, the lemon pepper fish is absolutely amazing and I finally learned how to make it myself. So I won’t starve if my wife leaves for a night or two. xD

5. A FOOD YOU HATE:               Spinach. Just. Yuck.

6. GUILTY PLEASURE:              Okay so I have a few guilty pleasures. First and foremost is making characters with character creators in games. I just love making them. I also have a huge guilty pleasure for shipping. I’m actually going to copy a statement that someone else made because they describe it incredibly well. 

I love healthy ships and unhealthy ships (but like, don’t glorify them. Recognize they are unhealthy and should not be idealized for RL) I just love love, and I love the butterflies and coyness and excited uncertain that leads up to the very first time a ship admits their feelings most of all.

             But yeah. More guilty pleasures. I also love editing screenshots of characters. I love playing around with the colors and shadows. 

7. WHAT DO YOU SLEEP IN:           Pajama pants. It’s rare for me to sleep with a top on, only because my wife is a massive heater and I’ll overheat if I wear too much.

8. SERIOUS RELATIONSHIPS OR FLINGS:              Hah, well I’m married soooo. In October it’ll be 2 years, but we’ve been together for almost 5 years. Longest relationship I’ve ever had! <3 We have our difficulties, yes, but we work through it and keep on trucking.

9. IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN THE PAST AND CHANGE ONE THING ABOUT YOUR LIFE, WOULD YOU AND WHAT WOULD IT BE:               If I could go back, I’d tell my boss to fuck off and stay in Texas with my dad for an additional 3 weeks. That was really the last time I got to spend time with my dad, seeing as the next time I saw him, he passed away. 

10. ARE YOU AN AFFECTIONATE PERSON:             I didn’t grow up around affection. So it took a long time for me to open up and actually showcase affection to people willingly. I’m finally getting better at it though! I want to say yes, I am an affectionate person, but I still struggle at times on whether it’s appropriate or not.

11. A MOVIE YOU COULD WATCH OVER AND OVER AGAIN:             This will forever be “Sweeney Todd”. I absolutely adore that movie. Or any of the “Pirates of the Caribbean” just because of the aesthetic.

12. FAVORITE BOOK:            Oh gosh. This is extremely hard to choose, only because I love reading. Call of Cthulhu, Lord of the Rings, Game of Thrones; anything from Stephen King; I read anything and everything, so choosing one as a favorite is nearly impossible.

13. YOU HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO KEEP ANY ANIMAL AS A PET, WHAT DO YOU CHOOSE:               A skunk <3

14. TOP FIVE FICTIONAL SHIPS [IF YOU ARE AN RP BLOG, YOU CAN USE YOUR OWN SHIPS AS WELL]:            Ooooof. I have too many to share. So like, it’s a very toxic ship, but Tsumi ( @tivtastic) and Syat’a are a huge toxic ship that I cannot wait to dive into. Another good ship that I’m kinda adoring is the friendship between Shoto ( @chooseyourmuse) with Astrid. Their closeness just brings me massive feels, and I adore them. Okay, so that’s only two. Let me think. I also am really interested to see the development between Denki ( @persona-de-interes) with Astrid.

           Oh! Another super big ship of mine is Caspian with Roselyn ( @sky-gryphon) on discord. Their raw connection just. Mmph. I love it. I also am really in love with the connection between Colette and Zegnes ( @sky-gryphon) on discord as well. While she’s this big bad predator, he’s so soft towards her and I just. He makes her feel things, which results in me feeling wonderful things for them. Now another- OH MY GOSH HOW COULD I FORGET.  

           How could I ever forget Arron ( @-tiviani-)??? He with ANYONE of my kids. FUCKING ANYONE. Give me that GORY SHIP. So fricken toxic, but YESSSS. 

             EDIT: HOW COULD I FORGET THIS ADORABLE SHIP. OMG SOMEONE HIT ME FOR FORGETTING. Jupiter with Niel ( @softvorenoms). LEGIT GUYS. This ship is SO SUPER ADORABLE. Every time I think of canon relationships for Jupy, I immediately think of Niel. When I finally sit down to write the actual books for Jupiter and her siblings, Niel will either show up in it somewhere or be mentioned. Because these two. <3 <3 <3

15. PIE OR CAKE:           Pie! <3

16. FAVORITE SCENT:                I’m more towards vanilla, but I also am really liking cinnamon (even if I can’t say the damn word)

17. CELEBRITY CRUSH:              Ooooof! Hmm. Okay, so I don’t really keep tabs on celebrity life, so give me a moment to really think. The actress that plays as Scarlet Witch. Yep, she’s real pretty. I also really adore Felicia Day. She’s just perfection. Then there’s Tom Hiddleston. He’s gorgeous. 

18. IF YOU COULD TRAVEL ANYWHERE, WHERE WOULD YOU GO:          Mm... Probably Italy ( seeing as I’m Italian and have yet to see where my family came from ) or Scotland ( because who doesn’t love their accent?? )

19. INTROVERT OR EXTROVERT:              Technically, I’m classified as an “Extroverted Introvert”, but I just like to call myself an Introvert and leave it at that.

20. DO YOU SCARE EASILY:             Hah! I don’t think I scare easily, but I jump super easily.

21. IPHONE OR ANDROID:               Android

22. DO YOU PLAY ANY VIDEO GAMES:               ...Do I play video games?? OOOOOF. Yes, lmao! I bounce between PS4 and PC. From Mortal Kombat, Dragon Age series, FFXIV, and soooo many others; I play pretty much anything. 

23. DREAM JOB:                 I’m actually doing my dream job! I work at a museum; I’m a tour guide. I adore learning new things, and retelling history to others. 

24. WHAT WOULD YOU DO WITH A MILLION DOLLARS:               I would first and foremost pay off any dept that my wife has. Then I’d put half of my cash to the side for saving. The rest would be put into paying off my wife’s vehicle (since mine is already paid off) and helping us settle down in an actual house somewhere we want to live for good. Currently we’re living in an apartment, and it’s comfortable yes, but it’s not forever. 

25. FICTIONAL CHARACTER YOU HATE:            A fictional character I hate? Hmm. Oh, oh! I know so many others really adore this character and find him “oh so attractive”, but I cannot stand Zenos yae Galvus from ffxiv. Just no. I can’t. At all.

26. FANDOM THAT YOU WERE ONCE A PART OF BUT AREN’T ANY LONGER:                I used to be big into Inuyasha. In fact, that was the first fandom I actually got into! But I’m not into it any more, only because finding tons of people that still want to write that fandom is almost impossible. Shout out to @nioiidamaa for pulling me back into the fandom because they write AMAZING.

STOLEN FROM:  @bagwormmulti TAGGING:  everyone that I already tagged in earlier, soooo @chooseyourmuse, @persona-de-interes, @sky-gryphon, @tivtastic, @nioiidamaa, @softvorenoms. I also welcome anyone else! If you do it and you weren’t tagged, you’re tagged now!! :D

[paranoiaparksandrec]

Cartman headcanons 👀

oh boy anon, youve opened the floodgate. he's my favorite character. prepare for long post, im on mobile so i cant do readmore. the only other character that might have this much info is tweek.

!!! WARNING, SENSITIVE CONTENT !!!

Height: 5'10"

Eyes: Left Blue, right Almost-Black Brown

Gender: Cis Male

Orientation: Gay

Build: Still fattish but grew up and not out. (S06E16)

==Disorders:===

Very Mild Schizophrenia (See: CupidMe), Dangerous Psychopath, ASPD

==Health Issues:==

Hypermobility in all joints, Insomnia

===Personality:===

Eric is full blown Chaotic Evil. He will go out of his way to hurt people for his own sick satisfaction. He's a sadist, and a psychopath. He's upped his "terrible person" status from when he was young, though he has learned to shut his mouth when acting good would help him more easily get his way. He plays nice a lot of the time. If you cross him, watch out, he's just as brutal as ever in his vengeance plans.

Eric has a hard time grasping other people's emotions, but is good at acting and pretending to experience empathy from years of practice and observation. He has no morals or conscience, always only looking to what benefits himself. Do not show weakness if you're not one of his friends/family. They and his cats are the only things he seems to actually care about.

===History of Sexual Abuse and Views on Sex:===

Eric has a very large history of sexual abuse and due to his experiences he views sex less as an act of intimacy and more one of humiliation for the receiving party. He will consent to sexual acts, but he actively refuses to be dominated and often will fall into his pattern of being vicious and taunting when allowed to dominate. He views oral sex especially as degrading and humiliating for the giving party and essentially as an act of power from the receiving party. He would have to be very, very close to someone and trust them completely to do anything he views as degrading for them.

===History:===

Eric stayed on generally the same path through middle and high school as he did in elementary school. His mom coddles and enables his behavior. He's pretty smart, but doesn't use it on school as much as things that actually matter to him personally. He's primarily used his expertise in cheating to get through his classes. He was offered AP classes but rapidly turned them down on the grounds that he didn't want to deal with more work than he has to. He tried joining the school paper but got kicked off for speaking his mind....way too much. He did play football throughout high school, often winning games by getting the other team to foul out for trying to deck him.

His mother married Clyde's father in the boys's Sophomore year of High School, dragging Eric out of his childhood home and into the Donovan's. He was really pissed about that for a good while, and kept the old Cartman house on the market by constantly fucking over or traumatizing anyone that tried to buy it. He and Clyde butted heads a lot first, but eventually learned to tolerate and maybe even like each other.

===Family:===

Clyde Donovan: Step-Brother. Eric thinks he's a dumbass, but he got attached after their parents got married- even though you'd be hard pressed to get him to admit it. Eric's loyal, and that means he'll fuck you up if you mess with anyone he cares about. Clyde's on that list.

Liane Donovan (Cartman): Mother. He loves his mom a lot. She's a huge enabler and lets him get away with everything even if she did some fucked up shit to him when he was really little. (S01E05)

Jack Tenorman: Father. Patricide. Eric knows pretty much nothing about him aside from that he was a ginger and a Denver Bronco and he's perfectly content to keep it that way.

Roger Donovan: Step-Father. Eric's generally just impressed with Roger's overall existence. He was pissed at him for years for stealing his mom, and for trying to actually "dad" at him. He just kind of tolerates him for his mom and Clyde's sake. They're the only reason he hasn't taught the man a lesson for his attempts at discipline.

Other:

- Eyes are naturally almost-black brown but he had that donor-transplant from dead Kenny when he was eight so now he's got Kenny's eyes. One is Kenny's blue and the other turned back to brown after Kenny revived for some reason?? He can still see fine out of both. Odd. (S03E03)

- Due to having Kenny's eyes, Cartman is immune to Kenny's curse's amnesia effect. (S05E06)

- Insanely intelligent. Emphasis on insane.

- Loves literally anything with caffeine, especially tea and coffee and mountain dew.

- Openly gay. The movie Teeth was his breaking point. Came out of the closet in his junior year of high school. If you wanna really piss him off just say "Teeth". He hates it.

- Cats are his deepest weakness and pretty much one of the very few things he cares about besides himself. (S12E03)

- Still gives absolutely zero fucks about openly and publicly dressing up as a girl when a situation calls for it.

- Pretty strong when he feels like it from his football days.

- Great cook, if you want a very delicious heart-attack

- Tested out of language classes due to his self-taught fluency in Spanish and has a supernatural fluency in R'lyehian due to Cthulhu connection. He also knows conversational German, French, Dutch, and Mongolian. Currently learning Chinese and Portuguese.

- Joined band for exactly one week. Just long enough to get his mom to buy him a trombone and to learn how to do the WOMP WOMP WOOOOMP to mock people.

- Self-taught skills in playing the Pan Flute(S12E10), Piano(S07E09), Harmonica(S13E11), Violin(S08E09), Bass Drum(S21E07), and Guitar(S3E11).

-Has attained some weird religious balance between his own warped version of Catholicism and worshiping Cthulhu. (S14E12)

- Nose is a little crooked from being busted so many times (S12E09 and S19E01).

- Draws a lot and is a pretty good artist when he actually tries.

- Good at singing.

[ultralaser]

answer me 30 questions, tell me 30 lies

tagged by @tariqk

NICKNAME(s) - my twin brother is named ryan so i answer to that a lot

GENDER - my dude

SIGN - taurus

HEIGHT - five six and change

CURRENT TIME - 17:36

FAVORITE BAND(s) - the first five off the top of my head are chvrches, f(x), the doors, wu bai and china blue, and jaurim. do with that as you will.

FAVORITE SOLO ARTIST(s) - first five off the top of my head are charli xcx, tori amos, enya, yanzi sun, and a mei chang. do with that as you etc etc

SONG STUCK IN MY HEAD - the devil and the huntsmsn from the king arthur: legend of the sword soundtrack (it was the song in the trailer)

LAST MOVIE I SAW (IN THEATRES) - mission impossible: fallout, which was very good but not the series best, though they always score a lot of versimilitude bc yeah, tom cruise did that.

LAST MOVIE I SAW (TV) - exposed (2016) w keanu and ana de armas, which is nearly good, but (spoiler) i hate ‘the ghosts were hallucinations’ almost as much as 'greek myths without the gods’ as a subgenre so the ending annoyed me

LAST SHOW I WATCHED - i tried to watch the outpost and haven’t gotten into it yet, so, mainlining the first four episodes of killjoys s4 to get caught up, now i need to go back two weeks on wynonna earp s3

WHEN DID I CREATE MY BLOG - late november 2008, right after obama won, when bush was still technically president but nobody cared

WHAT DO I POST - i reblog good posts from other ppl and fold in abt 10% of my own dumb bullshit, it seems to be a winning combination. hope you like nerdy media rants and grumpy trump blogging

LAST THING I GOOGLED - looked up some meanings of names at lunch with mom and my neice. mom’s birthname, ethne, is celtic and means fire, which is a lot closer to her actual persona. neice’s first plus middle mean 'life’ plus 'from the water’ or, fish. her dad is named scott and his name is an english word meaning 'person from scotland’.

DO I HAVE OTHER BLOGS - choosy-moms-choose-gif is my gif blog (largely dormant) and geographimancy was going to be a google maps travel blog but turned into a space to host images for in-class presentations, now it’s just a good name. also, there is…

DO I GET ASKS - not often, about half of it is nice

WHY DID I CHOOSE MY URL - my tumblr id is a hackers reference. my actual domain name is an abbreviation of nyarlathotep i bought back in 05? when i was going to go full on with cthulhu and pals but i never quite did. see also my eldritch mermaids comic i need to make more of, what we do in the shallows. both were resurrected as projects for a writing comics class last year.

FOLLOWING - 423 but i strongly suspect half of those are dormant. if you asked me to write a list of ppl i’m conciously aware i follow it’d be about, forty ppl? idk prolly more actually

FOLLOWED BY - 2095?! that’s just the total though, more like five to ten amazing ppl i still can’t believe followed me, about twenty five? mutuals i regularly interact with, and then like two thousand bots, randos, haters, and quiet types

BLOCKED BY - itswalky, for one of several reasons possibly but i don’t know which

AVERAGE HOURS OF SLEEP - i aim for 8+ but often stay up late and wake up early. i feel like i slept through most of 2004-2014 tbh

LUCKY NUMBER - i don’t really have one

INSTRUMENTS - i’m a fan of the piano, bassoon, and most strings, but i can’t even play guitar hero

WHAT I’M WEARING - an old paperthing shirt bc IT’S TOO HOT RN, boxer briefs (new ones! marshalls got some in in my size for a change), and a pair of wierd ass cargo shorts i found at goodwill for $7

DREAM JOB(s) - personal assisstant to some absurdly rich celebrity. tmnt toy designer. there’s a gift shop and cafe on top of the aiguille du midi. scifi novelist (working on it). warren ellis.

FAVORITE FOOD(s) - bacon egg and cheese biscuit from mcdonalds. a really good roast beef sandwich. clam chowder. spaghetti. cup noodles with a v8 poured over. sausage rolls. pizza. tillamook ice cream but i can’t eat a lot of dairy. muenster. roasted csrrots. mud pie.

NATIONALITY - colonizer

FAVORITE SONG(s) - first five off the top of my head are kiss from a rose by seal, and then i can’t think of any others for some reason. extreme ways by moby, hayling by fc kahuna, watercolors by ltj bukem, and die young (accoustic) by ke$ha (had to look at my ipod).

LAST BOOK I READ - i boght a ton of books not for class over the last six years and i haven’t started aaany of them, so the last book i finished was zone one by colson whitehead. it’s v good.

TOP THREE FICTIONAL UNIVERSES I WANT TO JOIN - i don’t have the skillset to be a heroic protagonist, so, pokemon, star trek, and then tbh we’re heading into Generic 1980s Dystopia now so at least maybe a farcical one like dominion tank police. but also shakespeare’s wierd renaissance athens au.

I TAG - nobody bc i never like putting ppl on the spot, i invite everyone bc there are two thousand of you and i only really know like thirty.

[that-he-may-return-blog]

Episode 2: Slugbug

Unfortunately, none of Dipper's questions for the triangle were answered. This was probably due to the fact that Dipper didn't see said triangle for several days, which led his mind to uneasy conclusions- had Bill escaped? Was he back in Gravity Falls and terrorizing everyone? Was he dead? Was Dipper possessed and he just didn't know it-

It also didn't help that Dipper had been having the exact same “dream” every night since the All-Mart incident. He was hesitant to call it an actual dream, sans quotation marks, because nothing really happened- he just found himself in a coniferous forest, alone, for hours on end until he woke up. The entire experience led Dipper to wonder if he was slowly losing his mind. The only proof he had that the All-Mart attack had ever happened was a headline reporting the “Largest Shoplifting Heist of the Century”, listing a number of objects that mysteriously vanished into thin air on September fourteenth.

Of course, nobody knew what had actually happened except Dipper… until now.

“-and that's why everything up and vanished the same day we were there,” he explained. “They literally…” he extended his arm, “walked out.”

Mabel blinked. “So Bill is…”

“I don't know where,” Dipper admitted. “And not knowing is killing me because what if he's murdering people back in Gravity Falls-”

“Oh, he's not,” Mabel said confidently.

“How would you know?”

“I have my ways.” Mabel held up her phone. “Also Candy and Grenda and me made a pact to keep each other updated on the Gravity Falls-Piedmont life 24/7, down to the exact detail, no questions asked. I just typed out your whole Bill monologue and-”

“-don’t send that!” Dipper grabbed the phone, “Mabel, are you crazy?”

“Am I crazy?” Mabel pointed a finger at him. “You're the one that made a deal with a resurrected demon that tried to kill us all.”

“I didn't have a choice-” Dipper said quickly, deleting the message. “Grunkle Ford was counting on me to take care of this because any other option would’ve resulted in an essential perpetual death for at least one person or a literal death for the entire universe!”

“Okay, Mister Let’s-Save-the-Universe over here. Don’t forget that I helped too!”

“Technically neither of u-”

Mabel reached forward and put her finger over his mouth. “Shh...” Dipper scowled. “I understand that you've got that whole conspiracy craving and would probably explode if you couldn’t explain why bigfoot is cthulhu- because I am a caring and loving sister- but… really, Dipper, are you sure this is a good idea?”

Dipper glanced up. “...I don't think there's a better idea,” he said slowly. “But there's nothing I can do about it now- Stan and Ford are probably in the middle of the ocean, and if I went back to Gravity Falls, Bill could probably find his body and start using magic again-”

“Again? I thought you said that in the store he waved his arms wildly and turned a bunch of eggs against you? Using magic?”

Dipper glanced at the wall. “Okay, so, I don't know how it works. Entirely.”

“At all.” Mabel took her phone back.

Dipper rubbed his arm. “Just- I thought I should tell you. Everyone kept too many secrets in Gravity Falls, so the more that's out in the open, the better, at this point.”

Mabel blinked. “Does that mean we should tell Mom and Dad?”

“Uhhh- no. Not… not right now. They'd freak out.”

“This sounds like the premise for an American children’s cartoon!” Mabel grinned, “Mason Pines came home from summer break with a lot of strange souvenirs, but the strangest one is a triangle with a bizarre sense of humor and great fashion sense-”

“That sounds like a show that would try and make Bill likable,” Dipper pointed out. “Too out of character.”

“ATTENTION: THIS IS THE LAST HELICOPTER OUT OF VIETNAM! GET ON BOARD OR REMAIN STRANDED!”

“COMING, DAD!!” Mabel shouted back, grabbing her backpack. Dipper got up and slung his over his shoulder, brushing his hair over his forehead- he wasn't about to take Wendy's hat into a public school, one of the most hazardous places for any material object. Besides, hats were technically against the dress code - not that he had cared in previous years - but hey, at least this was a decent excuse.

The twins headed downstairs to find the house empty save for Waddles, who was napping on the couch, and a note from their mother on the table saying that she would be back in the afternoon; she was probably hanging upside down from a redwood, trying to photograph of a colony of bats. They grabbed their lunchboxes as they darted for the door, Mabel taking a second to slip in a previously-vetoed bottle of Mabeljuice. Outside was the second car, fondly nicknamed The Bug by Mabel, and in the driver's seat was their dad.

Forrest Pines was roughly the height of a flagpole and had nearly the same dimensions, which meant that compressing himself into The Bug involved a lot of doubling over. Dipper would have sworn on his life that his father didn't wear anything but sweater-vests and only combed the back of his hair. Mabel would have sworn on her life that Forrest was an alien from planet Cybernoodle who planned on taking over the earth by hacking RCVs everywhere.

“Who's ready for school?” Forrest called as Mabel hopped over the typical suburban lawn flamingo and into the car; Dipper chose to walk around the flamingo. The flamingo had been Forrest’s idea, and Cassidy had never acknowledged its existence.

“Ready for KNOWLEDGE!” Mabel shouted, slamming the door.

Dipper glanced at her. “Knowledge?”

“Yeah, genius- of the new kids- new kids, new friends, am I right or am I right-”

“You're left,” Forrest pointed out. The Bug pulled onto the road and set a course for Piedmont Public Schools.

Dipper glanced out the window. He couldn't shake the nagging feeling that Bill was too close for comfort- even though he was nowhere to be seen. What that meant, he didn't know, but he didn't like the weight it left on his mind.

After a few minutes of dissonance with Mabel, Forrest, and the radio, The Bug rolled to a stop in front of the school- the twins wasted no time gathering their stuff and getting out of the car.

Forrest leaned out the window. “What, no “first day of high school” trauma? No existential dread or questions about moving up the social rank?”

“We kinda sorta already had that kerfluffle over the summer,” Mabel said. “Ha. Kerfluffle.”

“We’ll be fine, Dad,” Dipper told him.

Forrest frowned. “Hey, you're not wearing a hat today.”

Oh no- he was going to ask about the lucky hat Dipper had had at the beginning of the year- the one that had met its premature demise to a pack of angry gnomes. Dipper braced himself. “Well-”

“Good for you,” Forrest said. Dipper blinked. “We call that character development.” He patted Dipper on the head.

“Aha, right…”

“Well, don't murder anyone! Bye kids!”

“Bye-”

“Bye Dad!”

The Bug sped off into the distance, leaving two eighth graders on a yet-to-be trampled public school lawn.

Dipper didn't necessarily enjoy school. Not that he didn't enjoy learning; gaining knowledge was how he built up his collection of conspiracies. But Dipper could have written an eight-page essay on why the school system did a very poor job of actually teaching anything. He also could have written an essay on the lack of supervision in the classroom or work ethic from the staff, or how being expected to socialize with people he would never see outside of school was counterintuitive- but these weren't the biggest reasons Dipper disliked the school experience. No, that award went to the spiked levels of sheer acrimony that hung around the school like a forced metaphor.

Yeah, okay, maybe the bullied nerd trope was overdone. That didn't change the fact that Dipper was, in fact, a bullied nerd. This year he planned to change that- the honors/regular class split started this year. With any luck, he'd leave the aggressors of the past behind and start a brand new year of education and-

-someone tripped him.

Because that wasn't cliche.

Dipper stumbled to regain his balance and half the pile of books he was holding slid onto the floor. His face was red- he couldn't tell if anyone was laughing, but it definitely felt like it. He crouched and picked up the books; off to a great start.

“Didn't see you all summer, Dipstick!” someone shouted. Dipper closed his eyes. “Did you run away to cry somewhere else-”

Dipper kept walking. That was one time- well, maybe several. He'd been perfectly fine over summer- maybe because he had gotten the chance to make his own impression. But everyone here already knew him as the kid with the dumb name, no friends, and who was prone to crying. His legacy.

The honors/regular split had also led to an unexpected consequence; he no longer shared any classes with Mabel, who preferred talking with friends rather than studying with them. Since Forrest had dropped them off, in fact, he didn't really see her at all. This meant the majority of his day was spent either being ignored and alone or having to listen to “dipstick” get shouted across the room, which by now wasn't insulting so much as annoying. The reality was setting in that, without Mabel around, they wouldn’t be watching each other’s backs. This could end up being the worst school year of his life.

He really should've taken Ford's offer, Dipper thought as he scribbled in the margins of the first-day handouts. At least then he'd be spending his day doing something he actually cared about with someone he actually looked up to- it would've been better than coming back to this mess. And now all he had to show for his poor decision was a missing demon and a sister who caused the apocalypse.

“...what?”

“Pines, is there something you'd like to add?”

Dipper blinked. “No, I'm just-”

“Then I suggest you join the rest of the class in sitting in silence.”

Dipper sank down in his seat. Mabel didn't have anything to do with Weirdmageddon… unless you counted getting locked in a prison bubble. And you know, making a selfish deal trading something that wasn't even hers for her own personal gain.

Dipper focused in on the desk. Okay, where was this coming from- he wasn't supposed to be an idiot, you’d think he could put this together. He pressed a hand to his head. Was he hallucinating? Was he so tired from those repetitive dreams that he was starting to imagine things? Maybe he needed a break- from the planet-

“Bill-”

It was nice to know he could do basic logic. Dipper gripped the edge of his desk. Where was he- why was his train of thought being constantly interrupted like this- as if he would tell him-

“Shut up-!”

“Pines.”

Dipper sank down. “Sorry,” he mumbled.

“Would you like to step outside for a little bit to calm down?”

No. “Yes.”

Dipper slipped into the hall and shut the door behind himself. He pressed his hands to his temples, trying to think. Bill had to be messing around in his head, somehow… Dipper shuddered, imagining Bill puppeting him from the inside. He wasn't actually… well Dipper wouldn't know that. Dipper glared at the wall.

“Get out.”

He wasn't going to. Well, at least that answered that question. Dipper rubbed his head… what would he even be doing in there? Not like Dipper would know. But carrying a demon’s thoughts in his head didn't seem like a fantastic option, especially when he had no idea how to get him out…

“Hey Dipstick. Where’ve you been, huh?”

In any other context, it might have been a friendly greeting. Not in this one.

Florence Goodman had to be the worst misnomer of the century. Dipper had only ever actually seen him in class twice in his life, leading him to assume that he spent his spare time throwing darts at pictures of other students’ faces. Florence also seemed to think his insults were hilarious; this was probably a direct result of beating up anyone who disagreed, although Dipper wasn't sure he'd get the whole cause/effect relationship. Another reason he had never explained it was that Florence just so happened to be twice his size and nowhere near as terrified of detention as Dipper was.

“I said, where’ve you been?”

Dipper looked away.

“What are you doing out in the halls?” This guy really needed to learn to respect personal space. “I would've thought the teacher's pet would be teaching the class by now-”

“Aren't you supposed to be in class,” Dipper muttered, “and not hanging around like a-”

“Like a what, Pines?!” Dipper's head knocked against the lockers- he could feel a bruise forming on the back of his skull. Pain was hilarious.

“Nothing, nothing-” he said quickly, but Florence had already moved on.

“Where's your dumb hat, Pines?”

Dipper didn't respond.

“What, did you lose it? Someone get to it before me? Huh-” His palm slammed into Dipper's forehead; Dipper winced. “You should've kept it on- now everyone can see your dumb hair-”

Dipper braced himself for what was sure to follow. It was an old well but a deep one, and every time it just got to him. He felt the fingers shove his hair up, off his forehead-

“-and your mutant face-”

“It's not a mutation, it's a statistical anomaly…” His face was burning- his entire head was burning.

“Little dipstick over here thinks his big words won't make him a freak-” Into the locker again. “Well guess what-” And again. “You'll never be anything but the weirdo with no friends-”

Dipper covered his face. That wasn't true-

“You gonna cry? Cry, Pines- cry about your stupid hair and your freakazoid face- your disproportionately gigantic head and tiny weak body- the stupid rectangle on your forehead-”

Dipper screwed his face up. Until summer, his birthmark had always been a sore spot for him- it had been the target of countless insults. Now that summer had ended, when he had finally started to accept it, it was just going to become another reason to hate him- his head cracked into the lockers again. Always with that stupid constellation birthmark- making him a target- making him “that weirdo-” well it wasn't like he could help it!

“Are those tears, treeboy-”

Dipper grabbed his fingers- they were rubbery and- slimy-? Florence screamed and dropped him onto the ground; Dipper winced and rubbed his head, slowly looking up. Florence was stumbling around like an idiot, waving his arm and screaming.

“Maybe- maybe that'll make you think twice about making fun of me, huh-” Dipper got up. Whatever was going on, it sure was making Florence panic- the problem was, Dipper had no idea what was going on.

Thankfully he found out, as he watched this high school student transform into a gigantic slug with six eyes, a pig nose, and terrifyingly long slimy arms.

The monster roared.

Dipper shouted and threw a pencil at it. The pencil bounced off his lumpy flesh and rolled down the hall.

The two looked at each other for a moment. The slug blinked and stared at its new slimy features. Dipper decided to use this moment to run for it and booked it through the halls. He heard a vaguely roar-like sound from behind him; he figured that turning Florence into a close relative of a snail didn't make him want to kill Dipper any less.

He ducked behind a wall and pressed his back to it, shaking- had he done that- Dipper stared at his hands. They were just as pale and clammy as ever. Maybe it was the fact that he had just run to the other side of the school, but he felt exhausted; there was a stitch in his side and his eyes were starting to close. Dipper shook himself awake. There wasn't time for that- there was a giant slug loose in the school somewhere. It wouldn’t be long before someone saw it.

“Heyyy, what are you doing in the Dumb People section?” Dipper blinked and looked up. Mabel had put a sticker on his nose. “Don't you have some kind of over-complicated class to get to?”

“-there’s something more important going on right now,” Dipper told her, glancing back around the corner. Florence the giant slug couldn’t be far.

“You found something more important than your GPA?” Mabel leaned around the corner to look at whatever he was looking at. “I'm proud of you- you've realized that the true meaning of being a student is learning and having fun by pursuing an interest that you genuinely like-”

“No, Mabel, I turned Florence Goodman into a nine-foot long invertebrate.”

Mabel frowned and raised a finger. She opened her mouth and the finger turned into a finger gun, “Are you making a spontaneous and nonsensical joke-”

Dipper looked at her. Mabel lowered her finger. “Right, okay, giant spineless bully somewhere in the school.” She frowned again. “How did-”

“I don't know,” Dipper admitted, ducking back behind the wall. “I think it had something to do with Bill-”

“THEY SAY THAT IF YOU SAY THE DEVIL’S NAME HE APPEARS!”

Dipper yelped and fell backwards.

Mabel glanced from him to the empty air directly in front of him. “Is he back?”

“Unfortunately…” Dipper muttered.

“Unfortunately?” Bill pressed his hand to what would have been his chest. “Now that stings- after all I've done for you- turning your school bullies into gastropods- I am hurt-”

“You did that-?!”

“Well I'll admit that it was a team effort- somebody here got really mad for no reason at all-”

Dipper glared. “So you just used me as your funnel-”

Mabel raised a hand, “So I'm sure this is a very important argument but all I can hear is Dipper's side- and also maybe we should focus on taking care of the monster before we argue any more?”

“I don't think Bill cares,” Dipper said.

“Oh contraire, spaceface.” Bill pulled his cane out of nowhere. “You're my only vessel, and your fancy contract says my psyche is linked to your body- if you die, I'd be stuck in a little radius around it, and that wouldn't be fun for anyone, would it?”

Dipper looked away. “Mabel, do you have the flashlight?”

Mabel shook her head. “I didn't really unpack everything yet.”

“Right, okay…” Dipper rubbed his forehead, trying to think. The hall was quiet and empty, and he couldn’t see or hear a thing in the corridors, but he knew what was out there. “Well, at least we have time to plan,” he resolved. “He might be big, but slugs are slow. It'll take a while for it to even find us, let alone catch up to us.”

Bill laughed.

Dipper stiffened. “Unless that's not the case…”

“Oh, it is definitely not the case, pine-tree! Remember how turning things on their head is kind of my deal? My schtick? My gimmick? My-”

“You made a super-fast giant slug.”

“Well I wouldn't call it giant, we’re only talking like eight, nine feet long here- giant would be, say, the size of the school- your tiny little mind doesn't have nearly enough energy for that.”

“Well apparently there’s enough to make you a giant pain in the-”

“DIPPER-”

Dipper looked over just in time to see a super-fast, average-sized slug come ricocheting around the corner.

Dipper thought he knew what fear felt like. He had been ripped out of his own body, more than once by now, been chased by gigantic deformed creatures of unimaginable horror, and witnessed the apocalypse firsthand. Yet, somehow, none of these came close to the sheer adrenaline that running from a nine-foot invertebrate at top speed through an empty school hall could bring.

“How do we stop him?!” Mabel asked as they slid around a corner.

“I don't know,” Dipper said- he was panicking. “I only knew things in Gravity Falls because of Great-Uncle Ford’s journal- I don't have that anymore! We threw it down the bottomless pit!”

“Well, actually-”

Dipper looked at Mabel. “Actually-?”

Mabel waved it off. “I'll tell you when we’re not being terrorized by a giant slug.”

Dipper darted up to a door leading out of the school; he tried to stop but his momentum carried him into the bar and out onto the grass. He tumbled forward and faceplanted. Bill laughed.

Dipper shoved himself up- “If you're so concerned about protecting your vessel why don't you help-”

“Oh, I might. If it gets completely hopeless. Right now I just want to watch you squirm.”

Dipper wanted to retaliate, but he didn't get the chance as the monster slammed its head through the door and bowled him over. He scrambled up, now covered in slime, and darted back inside the school; during the day, the doors were locked from the outside. This proved true as the slug rammed into the door over and over, but it didn't open. It also might not have opened because it was a pull door, but Dipper decided not to tell him that.

Dipper slid down against the wall to catch his breath.

“...what do we do when school ends?” Mabel asked, “because he’s still going to be there-”

“I’m trying to get there,” Dipper breathed. He rubbed his forehead and watched the door thud as the slug rammed into it. Bill was busy criticizing a mural of Egypt in the hall.

Mabel sat down next to him. “Maybe we should get to class?”

Dipper snorted. “I'd rather not. At least not right now.” A nine-foot slug. No journal. No hex circle, no flashlight… all he really had was a demon whose current life goal was to ruin Dipper's own life. Bill probably knew how to fix it with magic or something- but it wasn't like he'd help. Dipper might have to take a different approach…

Dipper sat there in quiet contemplation as Mabel doodled and the formerly-human slug pounded on the doors. After a while, the bell rang and students flooded out into the hallways, and to their… lockers? Dipper started and looked at the clock- what?! -this was the end of the school day- and he still had no idea what to do regarding the giant slug- and it was at this moment that the hinges on the door gave way- and in it came.

It was chaos. Everyone scattered, some to run and scream, others to touch it, more to record videos, and the slug to (presumably) murder Dipper. Dipper saw this and decided to join the portion of the student body that was running. Mabel followed suit.

“You know, for someone who made a life-changing self-discovery about courage and standing up for yourself over the summer, you sure are doing a lot of running away today,” Bill commented.

Dipper glared. “I can't just fight it,” he snapped, “and it's not like I have anything that'd help me-” he shoved the front door open and ran out onto the grass.

“Well that's not very fair- I'm right here!”

“You’re the main cause of the problem-!”

“What is it with you people and your blame-games- you turn a couple people into disfigured monsters and suddenly it's all oh he’s evil and you’re a 'problem’-”

There was a loud popping sound, followed by an unappealing squelch- Dipper turned to see that the slug had managed to figure out the push-door. It literally threw the door open and was continuing his chase, barrelling right for Dipper- panicking, he jumped to the side, hoping the monster couldn't turn as quickly as it could run, or crawl, or slink-

The proper term for the movement of a slug was put low on Dipper’s priorities as he watched it crash through the parking lot and disappear among the cars. There was a sound of alarms and honks.

“Well, this seems like a good time to let law enforcement handle the giant slimy thing,” Mabel suggested. While the idea of Florence Goodman being taken away from the school did seem appealing, it was Dipper’s fault that the guy was a slug in the first place.

“Eh, ehh…?” Mabel was ready to go. Dipper took in a breath, then sighed.

“We should do something.”

“But do we?” she groaned. It was very likely that she hated Florence more than he did. Dipper genuinely considered walking away. It’s not like he was obligated to be the bigger person here, but- it was a little overboard to turn him into a lightspeed slug. There was also the fact that the security cameras in the school probably saw him near Florence when it happened, and the last thing he wanted was another run-in with the government.

Being thirteen was hard.

Just as Dipper was about to make his decision he heard a shrill and childish squeal from the far side of the parking lot. Dipper and Mabel exchanged a glance.

“Dad.”

They both made a dash for the east side of the parking lot and found the slug with its head jammed inside the window of The Bug, and Forrest Pines firmly pressed into the back seat, throwing all available objects in its face. So much for leaving their parents out of weirdness- now Dipper definitely had to do something. Mabel was way ahead of him.

“Back off my dad you slimy buttface-” Mabel shouted as she bolted to the car and began beating the slug with her biology book. This took the slug’s attention off of (potentially) eating Forrest- it pulled from the window and went for Mabel next.

“Mabel, get away from that thing-!” Forrest shouted. Dipper pried the slime-coated car door open; Forrest scrambled out and scooped both twins up and out of the way of the monster, backing away. The slug started advancing- Dipper threw a rock at its head and tried his best to give an intimidating and stern glare, but judging from Bill’s snickering it wasn’t working out too well.

Forrest was just about to make a run for it when Mabel slipped out of his hold and ran for The Bug.

“REMEMBER ME!!” Mabel called as she dove past the slug and jumped in the car. The slug spat acid at her as she ran past; it ate away at the ground, burning holes in the asphalt. Forrest nearly had a heart attack as the monster went after his daughter.

“MABEL-”

“Acid?!” Dipper hissed at Bill, who had been casually drifting near his field of view.

“So, I have these ideas, and sometimes they’re just too good to turn down. So, the slug spits acid now. And also has a taste for human flesh.”

“Oh it just gets better every minute, doesn’t it-”

“It really does, isn’t it great?”

Forrest sat Dipper far away from The Bug and ran to grab Mabel.

“Do you think this is funny?!” Dipper glared at Bill.

“Yes, actually.”

“Well it isn’t-” Dipper pointed at the triangle. “You’ve always seen our lives as a game and a joke, but the joke's over, Bill-” Bill wasn’t looking at him. He was experimenting with flames in his right hand. “Are you listening?!”

“No, not really, your interests are relatively insignificant to me.” Dipper was fuming. He had to get his attention, and the only way you get a triangle’s attention is by making him angry or panicked- or maybe even a little bit of both.

Dipper started walking towards the monster slug. “What are you doing, kid?” Bill called. “D’ya think you’re going to take this thing on with those noodle arms?”

“No.”

“Well that’s good because that thing will totally kill you. So, you know, it wouldn’t be that smart to keep just walking towards it like that. So, uh, why are you still walking towards it-”

“You’re going to let my family get killed, then you don’t get a vessel.”

Bill laughed. “As if you’d actually get yourself killed just to get me to do something, that’s ridiculous-”

Dipper kept walking. “Are you really that stupid-” Bill said louder as he was pulled along at the edge of Dipper’s mental barrier. One foot in front of the other, Dipper walked up to the slug and kicked it.

The slug’s acid was just about to eat through the roof of The Bug- Mabel was aggressively searching the backseat and resisting Forrest’s attempts to remove her. The slug twisted its head to look at him. Dipper held his arms out at his sides. “You’re an idiot, kid- you’re going to get yourself killed- this is proving nothing-”

“It’s proving nothing except that you’re out of options.”

“I have plenty of options other than your cruddy vessel-”

The slug made a gurgling noise; acid foamed at its mouth, dripping down at Dipper’s feet, just missing his shoes.

“You’re gonna die, kid-”

It reared up. Dipper didn’t move.

“KID-”

Dipper squeezed his eyes shut- there was a spitting sound-

...but nothing happened. Hesitantly, Dipper opened an eye. He was outside of his own body, and for a moment he thought he might have actually died; then he saw that his own body had thrown up a magical wall in front of itself, like a triangular forcefield. Dipper couldn’t stop himself from grinning.

“I hate you so much,” Bill muttered through gritted teeth as he dropped the wall and the remaining acid fell to the ground. Operation Anger the Triangle was a success. The slug tilted its head in confusion. Bill leapt forwards and knocked the slug back with a punch that clearly had some extra magical energy, because it slid back several feet and embedded itself in the hood of a car.

“Just turn him back-” Dipper said as Bill climbed into The Bug a little unsteadily. Forrest was staring and petrified in the back at this point.

“It’s- give me a second, okay-” Bill wheezed as he struggled to catch his breath, “your stupid noodle of a body could barely take a bit of running last time- you think it can take all that- no! Because some vessels aren’t pure energy-”

Dipper let Bill continue his rant about how weak he was as he watched the slug pry itself from the car and shoot over to The Bug. Bill looked at the slug and glared.

“I have had it up to here with all the things I make trying to kill me-” He slid into the driver’s seat and tried to stay awake. He was about to use another shield to block more flying acid, but something shot through the windshield and straight into the slug’s face.

“GRAPPLING HOOK!” Mabel retracted the hook from the backseat, proudly standing on the seats, one hand on her hip. Forrest was unable to process anything happening around him. Mabel jumped into the passenger’s seat and shot the hook straight into one of the slug’s eyes; it backed up more, blinded.

Bill was slumped over the steering wheel, about to pass out. Mabel shook him. “Hey- hey you can’t fall asleep- mystery twins are back in action-!!” Bill slowly opened his eyes and looked Mabel dead in the face. The sunlight made the slit-pupils obvious.

“Could you, for once, Shooting Star, maybe not scream in my ear... magic is hard enough as it is...” He was too tired to make any witty comments; all he had to spare was pure dismay. Mabel shot the slug in the face again.

“You’ve been doing a bunch of magic, huh-”

“Yes.”

“And Dipper didn’t get enough sleep again I bet-”

“Clearly.”

“But you can fix this with magic??” “Magic fixes most things.”

“Well- then-” Mabel pulled her lunchbox up and offered Bill a mysterious red fruit drink.

“Is this poison?” Bill looked at Mabel. He threw up a shield to block flying acid and looked a little more exhausted.

“No, it’s Mabeljuice!”

“So, poison.”

“It’ll give you a boost- promise-” Bill glared at her. He put up another shield and swayed slightly; a fleck made its way around the shield and burned through his hair. He sighed, steadying himself- Dipper wished he had popcorn. “Eh? Ehh?” Mabel held the Mabeljuice closer. Bill slowly took the glittery drink.

“This doesn’t have anything on Time Punch-” he downed the drink. Mabel shot the hook into the slug’s face again. The slug seemed confused as to how he continued to fall for these attacks.

Bill felt a burst of energy as the caffeine set in. A grin spread across his face- he might be slowly dying of poison, but he was alive again. The slug moved around the other side of The Bug and crashed its head through the window; Bill held his hand out at the slug and it was pushed back by an invisible force. The Bug shook.

“Now what-” Forrest whimpered from the back.

“Now we knock that thing out and finish this-” Bill said, putting his hand on the dash. The Bug began morphing and mutating and Dipper stared as he turned the family car into a huge, metal, eco-friendly winged insect, with six legs instead of four wheels and an apparent taste for slugs.

“WOO!” Mabel cheered as it advanced on the monster. Bill laughed maniacally as The Bug attacked the slug, knocking it down into the pavement- it spat acid at the car, burning holes into pieces of metal legs- but The Bug kept ramming into the slug, shoving it back. It plucked the slug off the ground before it could run away and flew off towards the football field.

Forrest was screaming. “OKAYOKAYOKAYOKAYWHY- WHY IS THIS HAPPENING- KIDS-”

Mabel looked back at Forrest, giving him an encouraging thumbs-up. “Calm down, Dad- we’re professionals-! We’ve got this!”

Forrest just stared. Dipper wasn’t looking forward to explaining this later. The Bug hauled the slug over the football field and higher into the air; it released the slug and it plummeted into the ground, leaving a crater in the grass.

The Bug hovered for a bit and, when the slug didn’t get up, it lowered and landed next to the crater. Mabel hopped out of the car and ran to the crater to peer in the hole, grappling hook at the ready. The dust cleared and, instead of a bloodthirsty lightspeed acid slug, there was just a beat-up Florence Goodman, looking utterly traumatized. Mabel let out a breath and help up a hand to high-five Bill, grinning. “Nice work-”

Bill looked at her. “You really want me touching your hand.”

Mabel lowered her hand.

The caffeine was wearing off fast; Bill used the last bit of energy he had to strip The Bug of its insectoid features. Then he fell face-first into the grass.

When Dipper came back to consciousness in his own body, everything was numb and he didn’t want to move. Mabel was sitting with him in the high school nurse’s station; she seemed a little more excited once he actually looked at her.

“Wh… what happened…?”

“Well, uh… Bill… fixed it, and you passed out after that-” She seemed a bit surprised, “since when does he help us-”

“I blackmailed him,” Dipper murmured.

“...you blackmailed Bill?” Mabel said, staring. Dipper shrugged, eyes half-closed. “That’s… that’s great. Showed him who’s boss this time, am I right-” she grinned.

Dipper smiled slightly; it felt pretty good to be holding the cards for once. He thought for a moment and frowned. “What happened to Florence…?”

“Uh, about that…” Mabel began, “He looked super freaked out- I don’t think he’s coming back here. But he doesn’t entirely know what happened, I just told some cops that the slug ran off in the woods- so, we should be in the clear. For now.”

“Didn’t they see it on camera…?” Dipper asked. Mabel shifted in her seat slightly.

“Nope.”

“Nope?”

“Nope.”

“What do you mean nope?” Dipper sat up a little.

“Well, I took a little time to say a few things to Dad, calm him down a little bit, and… he used his computer magic to get rid of the footage.”

“Since when was Dad a hacker?” He usually only saw his dad coding games of brick breaker.

“He said he picked up a hobby over the summer,” Mabel said, then grinned, “so we’re in the clear.”

‘The Clear’ was probably something they were far from, but knowing that they had covered up the incident to some extent was a relief. He glanced around and saw a disgruntled Bill glaring at a chart on the wall.

“...thanks for fixing that,” Dipper whispered.

“Shut up, Pinetree, I’m not dumb, you smug little-”

“Oh come on- you saved yourself anyways,” Dipper muttered. “That’s a bright side for you.”

“All my creations keep trying to kill me,” he said, arms folded. Dipper frowned.

“...The Bug didn’t try and kill you,” Dipper suggested, “it must have liked you.”

“It didn’t like me, I just gave it an extensive craving for slugs. It was in self-defense.” Bill vanished, presumably back into Dipper’s mind. Dipper didn’t really have the energy to care about Bill’s personal struggles at the moment. It served him right.

After Dipper took some time and mustered the energy, Mabel helped him walk out to meet Forrest, who was harshly rethinking his comprehension of life. The Bug was out of commission, probably because the engine had been eaten through with slug acid, so he took Dipper and Mabel the rest of the way home by foot. When they got back to the house, the twins explained to their dad about the existence of ‘weirdness’ and how they saw supernatural beings and creatures over summer break.

However, the details were severely watered down. As far as Forrest knew, they just met a mermaid, spotted a unicorn, and caught a fairy only to delicately release it. Mabel said that they learned their monster handling and magic skills from a unicorn fight, which wasn’t entirely a lie, only mostly. It only took Forrest a solid two hours to process the entire situation.

“So… monsters. Mythical… things. Exist,” he repeated numbly.

Dipper and Mabel nodded.

“And you’ve… fought them,” he asked again.

“Uh-huh,” Dipper responded. Forrest slumped back in the couch and rubbed his eyes. After another minute or two he sat up straighter and looked at the two of them. They were sitting quietly in front of him.

“Well… you know, I’d say you did a really awesome job. Really, really impressive stuff there- but, just don’t scare me like that okay-” The twins nodded and promised not to throw themselves into deadly situations again. That promise would probably last less than twenty-four hours. Forrest took a moment to breathe, and wrapped his long arms around the two of them in a tight hug. “I’m just glad you two are safe,” he said. They both hugged back.

He pulled back and pointed at the two of them. “We are not going to tell Mom about this until we can actually think of a way to explain it. Especially the car. Deal?”

Dipper shuddered. “Deal,” said Mabel.

“Great…” Forrest laid down on the couch and closed his eyes, “it’s been a long day, so I’m just going to… keep rethinking everything. You two finish your homework or read or… something.” The twins gave their dad a moment of peace. Dipper quietly helped Mabel with her homework as the sun began to set outside. For the first time all day, there was a bit of silence.

Cassidy Pines shoved the front door open, covered in dirt, twigs in her hair, camera in hand.

“You’re not going to believe what I saw today.”

Dipper somehow doubted that.