#my entire life has revolved around being incredibly confused because i DID NOT understand girls and DID NOT have girl experiences

[lindwurmkai]

I wish I could opt out of posts telling me I am supposedly some kind of Intuitive Misogyny Understander because I "grew up as a girl" or some shit

Like get the fuck out of my house tbh

[dadsbongos]

Liebeskummer

Movie/Game/Show: Danganronpa: Killing Harmony Dynamic: Korekiyo Shinguji/Reader (and his sister shit but i actually take it seriously, unlike kodaka) Warnings: korekiyo’s backstory/trauma (his sister), sexual/physical/mental abuse implications (and outright said but not described in detail except the emotional and mental), anxiety in both kork and reader and mental breakdown(s?), airhead shit but it’s sad Summary: It’s all her fault. ~~~

Korekiyo suddenly turned to the girl beside him in his quiet research lab, “Have you ever heard of Jack of Fables, (Y/n)?” at her, albeit confused, nod, he continued, “Well, all those myths, fairy tales, and even nursery rhymes in reference to ‘Jack’ are actually about the same man. What this means is that Jack Be Nimble, of the candlestick, Jack the Giant Killer, who sold his cows then murdered and robbed a giant, Stingy Jack, who tricked the devil so relentlessly that he was banned from both afterlives, Jack of Jack and Jill, who cracked open his skull, Jack o’ Lantern, Spirit of Halloween and Headless Horseman, and Jack Frost, Spirit who ends autumn and begins winter are all one in the same. He made so many poor life decisions that he now serves as an immortal representation of winer with a pumpkin serving as head and flashlight. Is that not fascinating?”

“Aw,” (Y/n) grinned, nodding once again, “Like the American ‘Florida man’.”

Korekiyo sighed, disappointment palpable in his tone, “That is… actually much more accurate than I wish to admit.”

“Wait, wait,” she tilted her head, patting the man’s arm despite his attention already being on her, “So… like, was he also Jack the Ripper…?”

His eyes widened at her statement, “(Y/n), I must be grateful you were not born to the life of a woman of the night in Victorian London because I assure you, Jack the Ripper was incredibly real.”

“Oh, that’s so sad…” she pouted before clearing it back into her usual smile almost instantly, “Well, thanks for the folklore fun fact, Kiyo! I didn’t know that Jack was so dumb! God, I’d hate to be like him…”

“You do realize you’re not so bright yourself, yes?”

She shrugged, “I’m fine with that, but at least I’m not tricking the devil!”

So sweet and kind, the Ultimate Composer was. Against all expectations, she wasn’t highbrow or traditionally genius, but she was more than excellent company. And, to top it off, the idea of turning her into one of Sister’s friends was oddly… sickening.

It should’ve been perfectly fine - she was a deeply respectable young woman unlike Miu and Maki, there’s no reason he could have against her.

It just felt wrong.

“Oh! Oh!” she burst out, clapping her hands together, before turning and reaching into a bag slung around her hip. Rooting through scrapped sheet music and notes, once she found what she’d been searching for she held it up excitedly, “Boom!”

Korekiyo took the item, just barely brushing his wrapped fingertips against hers, “Cleopatra’s Pearl Cocktail… much appreciated,” he pressed the small bottle into a pocket on his uniform, “If you enjoy giving gifts, perhaps we can discuss cultural gift-giving practices?”

“Ooh, Kiyo’s gonna teach me?”

“Hmm,” Korekiyo hummed quietly to himself, “Well, perhaps… you would prefer I tell you of a composition piece in relevance to mythology, yes?”

“That’d be nice,” the girl giggled softly, rubbing the back of her neck, “To be honest, I just like when you talk… you sound so smart all the time!”

“My thanks, (Y/n),” he nodded curtly, muttering to himself before coming to speak up, “Alright, I believe that the composition for you would be The Ring of the Nibelung, of Germany.”

“Oh, I know that one!” she knew most ‘ones’, to be fair.

“I had suspected so, but have you heard of the heroic legends behind the pieces?”

“Ah, no… are those what you’re gonna explain?”

“I had planned to, yes. Alright, well, the four parts, as you know, are The Rhinegold, The Valkyrie, Siegfried, and Twilight of the Gods. Nowadays, they are most commonly played as individual, separate works despite making one complete story. They were always intended as a sequence - as The Ring cycle, cleverly. Each piece revolves on a loose basis to German heroic tales and Norse legendary sagas, with the overarching tale of the magic ring forged by the Nibelung dwarf, Alberich, which grants the power to rule the world,” he paused at the sight of (Y/n) yawning, his lips pursed and eyes shot down to his shoes before flickering back up to the girl, “Ah, my apologies for taking far longer than necessary. You must find this- “

“Ah, no!” (Y/n) shook her head, waving her hands about as though it would physically prove how far from needed his apology was, “That’s not it! I’m just kinda tired, ya know?” as if to prove her point, another yawn washed over her, “I hadn’t slept well last night after Kirumi…”

“I see,” Korekiyo nodded, closing his eyes to think over his words, “I apologize for making it about myself. If you wish, I could walk you to your dormitory. Now that you mention it, it has been quite the long day.”

“You don’t have to, Kiyo, I’d hate to bother you so much in one day let alone one sitting,” the composer puffed her cheeks out, “That’d be so obnoxious…”

“I don’t find it obnoxious whatsoever, especially if it’s to aid- “ he hesitated, “to aid a friend.”

He hadn’t had friends before. People usually found him creepy and that was the end of the story - nobody approached him and he didn’t branch out. Life went on. The world spun. His loneliness was everlasting and yet nonexistent. He has Sister. Though, deep down, he knows. She’s on another plane of reality with loneliness stronger than his, that’s why he sends her respectable young women.

Just like (Y/n).

But just… not (Y/n). For reasons he personally chooses to not disclose to even himself.

“Aww, Kiyo! You care!” the girl placed a hand over her heart as if to show that the organ itself was squeezing in delight at his offer.

“Of course, I do,” Korekiyo didn’t like how quiet she made him. How jittery and nervous. And he didn’t like how it made him question the way Sister made him feel.

She also made him nervous but it felt different. He liked to pretend it was the nervousness of a love you don’t quite have yet, but he fully knows he’d be lying. She was a mean girl, a bully in school before being hospitalized. Prone to violent and outright frightening outbursts when she had the energy to do more than force him to her side.

But he didn’t like questioning those feelings for Sister. Who he was, was based on her. His uniform. His passion and talent. His hair. His perfect complexion. His life as the universe knows it is an ode to her.

It’s too late for him to go back now… he’s already done so much in her name it’d be cruel to give up now. He might as well continue for Sister.

“If you really don’t mind, then yeah, I’d like it if we could walk together… I get a little nervous going around at night, you never know who’s gonna snap…”

“And you trust me?”

Shit. That’s what gets him in trouble. It’s as Sister always said. ‘Too naive to make his choices, and once he’s free, too inept to make the right ones.’

“Well, yeah,” (Y/n) spoke as if there was hardly any thought to the answer, “All you’ve shown me is somebody worth trusting,” then, she’s quick to remember poor Kaede, “Well, maybe I’m being silly. But hey, if I have to choose between dying trusting my friends and paranoid beyond myself, then maybe I’d- “ she paused, “Ehhh, I don’t like the way that’s coming out.”

“I understand what you’re attempting to say,” Korekiyo reassured, turning towards his research lab’s exit, “Let us start towards the dormitories, yes?”

“Right!” (Y/n) nearly found herself jogging to catch up to Korekiyo’s long-strided head start, she clutched the strap of her bag as she did so, “So… you heard about Angie’s plan, right?”

“To perform a resurrection?”

“Do you think it’ll work?” she seemed antsier than was typical for her, “I mean, you’re into anthropology, so, like, has there ever been a case where that did work? Do you know?”

“No, besides, that would be more akin to history, remember?” she probably didn’t, her memory failed her at an ungodly amalgamation of best and worst of times.

“Oh, yeah,” she murmured and nodded, pretending to recall the difference between the two.

“Who would you desire back into this game, if you could?”

“Rantaro,” her answer was quick, her fingers looping together nervously, “We didn’t really talk much, but uhm, whenever we did - he was really nice. He said I reminded him of a sister of his… so that’s a good thing, right?”

Depends on who you ask, really.

“You grew attached to him so quickly?” there was no jealousy there, he tried to convince himself.

“I’d be lying if I said I didn’t wish I’d gotten to know him more. He was always running around, trying to save us, and in the end… it got him killed.”

A lot of things will get you killed.

Korekiyo shook off the thoughts racking his brain, “Your care for him even through his estrangedness and peculiarity is truly beautiful, (Y/n),” he fiddled with the locket piece hanging around his shoulders, “Even your care for myself. I’d be lying if I’d said it wasn’t endearing.”

“You’re not…” her words died out, not wanting to lie to a dear companion of hers, “You’re a little off-putting but you’re not undeserving of love, Kiyo.”

It was a complete 180 from what Sister had told him his entire life. A new lesson coming in far too late. He had to earn love. He should’ve been crawling on his knees and pleading for affection, but now he was supposed to simply receive it? It sounded so incredibly fake. A fictitious tale told alongside gumdrop fairies and candy trees.

No place for someone of realistic standard.

No place for him.

“You’re far too kind, (Y/n).”

“Maybe you just haven’t known nice people,” she suddenly stopped, slapping a palm to her mouth and muffling against it, “I’m so sorry!”

“Worry not,” Korekiyo continued walking, “I’m unphased.”

Because maybe it was true.

Maybe Sister wasn’t so nice.

There was an itch at his skin in the thought and he shook his head.

Sister was kind enough to love someone like him. Who was of rotted soul and rancid heart.

“I shouldn’t have just said that, especially since I don’t really know your life…”

“Would you like to learn it someday?”

(Y/n) was fairly shocked at how quickly he seemed to breeze by her insult to his family and friends - well, if he had any friends - but she wouldn’t refuse. It was extra time with Korekiyo! Who could turn that down?

“I’d love to.”

~~

“Tea and cookies,” (Y/n) pumped a fist in the air, “What could be better than enjoying those with a friend?”

Korekiyo felt his lips twitch up behind his mask at the rhetorical question, he reached out for his teacup, “Perhaps freedom from this killing game?”

“Oh, yeah, huh…” she deflated, “Jeez, I can’t believe I’d say that…”

Oh, great, of course, now he’s gone and made the local ball of sunshine in this school upset.

“Nevermind that, (Y/n), it was a tease…” he gripped the cup a little tighter, cheeks heating up in humiliation at his failed joke, “I apologize if it seemed like anything other than such.”

“No, don’t apologize, it’s fine! It was kind of a dumb thing to say, now that I put some brain into it,” so it made sense she’d said it, (Y/n) frowned at the bitter thought.

“Ah,” the clink of a cup against the table caught the girl’s attention, “I must change my mask in order to properly enjoy this tea and these cookies,” as the anthropologist went to turn, he was stopped by another outburst from the girl.

“No, don’t! Uh, here!” she clenched her eyes shut, papped her palms over her face, and turned her head downwards, “See? Now I can’t!”

“You don’t have to go to such lengths, I could simply turn- “

“No, no, I want you to feel comfortable and I heard once that doing things to make your friends comfortable is, like, a way to make them like you more?” she huffed at the wording, “Just, I don’t know… I want you to know that I care. Ya get it? No need to turn yourself away like that when I can just not look.”

A tuft of air passed through his nostrils at the girl.

Sister would adore a friend like her.

Korekiyo pulled down his mask, brows drawn tight towards his eyes at the new realization. It was no longer a matter of her being respectable, it was now the knowledge that someone as tender-hearted as (Y/n) would be loved beyond comprehension by Sister.

But… no. Sister couldn’t have her. She’d understand, right? Of course. She could have someone else - the other bubbly girl, what’s her name? Angie. She could have Angie.

Korekiyo just… he just needed (Y/n). Something about her was calming and sweet. He picked his mask for eating from a pocket in his uniform and carefully adjusted it over his lips so as to not smudge his lipstick. It wouldn’t anyway, he knew this, but it usually never backfired to be too sure.

The lipstick in itself was quite the hassle. Another homage to Sister that she might not even be seeing. So was the hair. It got tangled and knotted and was hell to dry after a shower.

“Not to rush you at all, but are you done? Cuz my eyes are starting to hurt… I think I’m squeezing them too hard.”

“Right, yes, I am.”

He really shouldn’t think like that… Sister deserved to be honored.

As if she’d been reading his mind, (Y/n) leaned over slightly, pointing at Korekiyo’s hair, “Hey, hey, how do you manage that? It always looks so silky and soft and well-kept.”

“Ah, well, it is quite troublesome most days, but with patience and rather expensive products, I keep it together.”

“I was wondering, too, do you ever put it up?”

“Not usually, though, that would be… nice on occasion,” he sipped at his tea, enjoying the way (Y/n) shyly glanced away to prove she didn’t want to invade his privacy. She was too delightful to be in a place such as this, even if he did enjoy the beauties of law-absence.

“Uh, I don’t want to come off pushy or like you have to let me, but if you want, I’d love to put your hair up! To be honest, I’ve been wanting to for a while,” her eyes widened at her own statement, “Oh, that sounded creepy. I’m so sorry.”

“I am hardly one to judge,” he reached over for a cookie, “But, if you’re so inclined, I won’t protest.”

“Yay!” she bounced slightly in her chair, “Oh, that’s great, Kiyo, thanks.”

“Shall we go to your dorm after finishing our refreshments?”

“I’d like that,” (Y/n) grinned.

And to think she almost didn’t approach Korekiyo on that first day in the school. How ridiculous could she have been to judge based on looks? Sure, he was a little strange and the way he spoke was unlike any teenager she’d ever met, but he was still a person. He deserved to be given companionship.

Besides, he’d only ever shown her kindness and support.

He didn’t even make fun of her when she said something stupid in front of everyone.

She cringed at the memory of every time Kokichi or Miu or Maki prodded at her. Even Ryoma and Kaito had picked on her when she misspoke during the first trial and just brought up a point the class had already proven. It made her heart wrinkle and shrink at the mere thought. Kokichi still made fun of her for questioning Tsumugi’s whereabouts during Rantaro’s murder.

“You’re staring into your tea, it will grow cold if you only look at it.”

“Oh, yeah,” shaking her head, (Y/n) silently cursed herself for spacing out. What an awful habit of hers, it was, “Sorry for taking so long.”

“You shouldn’t apologize, I’m not upset in the slightest,” he felt his heart lighten at the tiny smile that illuminated her face, “I simply enjoy spending this time together.”

“You’re too nice sometimes, Kiyo,” she giggled, but they both recognized the tingle of nervousness jumbling within it, “If you’re not careful, I might fall for you or something…”

“Maybe that wouldn’t be such a bad thing?”

I wouldn’t mind, she wanted to say.

If you’ll have me, he wished to murmur.

Then he felt his chest tighten.

“Can I…” he tapped a finger to the table, “ask you a question?”

“Of course.”

“Have you ever been in love?”

“Uhm,” she bit her lip as she thought back, “No… why?”

“How do you think it feels?”

“Like, you could be free and yourself around the person? I’m not too sure, but I think if you and someone else are in love then you’ll accept each other completely, you know? Sure, there’s flaws in every person, but I think you accept those, too.”

“I see…”

“Kiyo, why do you ask?”

“I…” his brows furrowed, “A lot has been on my mind as of late.”

“Alright, I won’t pry,” standing from the dining table, (Y/n) clapped her hands together, “Now, if you’re still down, I’d love to put your hair up!”

“As it stands, I am still, as you put it, ‘down’,” Korekiyo nodded before joining the girl and starting towards her dorm room.

“Nice!” she pointed directly ahead, “Now, onward!”

A total airhead at her truest, Korekiyo thought. He didn’t usually partake in the type, but something about (Y/n) just pulled him in tighter every time he tried turning away.

So, what’s the harm in giving in? Swimming against the tide only ever led to drowning anyway, so why fight it?

Sister… Sister was dead. Is dead. Resurrection isn’t possible and hasn’t been in human history. And she had changed so much of him. (Y/n) would never force him to bend to her ideal.

The more he thought about Sister in comparison to (Y/n), the more he realized that Sister felt like a ball and chain - and (Y/n) felt like a breath of fresh air.

Just her name inside his own head sounded as sweet as the best form of heaven.

“Here we are!” (Y/n) cheered upon their arrival to her room, “There’s probably a bunch-load of unfinished works in here so just… don’t judge them too harshly, okay?”

“I could hardly judge an unfinished masterpiece.”

“I don’t know about masterpieces…”

“If you create them with heart and soul, there’s nobody who can effectively say they aren’t except for yourself,” Korekiyo enters the room after her, legs carrying him towards her desk as she roots around her bathroom for a hairbrush and hair tie, “Sadly, this is also applicable to disasters with effort put into them. However, just from skimming these, I can tell you they are not such disasters.”

“Aw, thanks, Kiyo, you know - I know I’m the Ultimate Composer and junk, but jeez it gets so nerve-wracking when people hear my stuff. I like what I write, but who’s to say other people will?”

“I understand that. Showing others your work is extremely unsettling at times,” he followed the girl to her bed and sat between her knees on the floor, “I recall feeling that way when I would dabble in artistry.”

“You can draw?”

“I would when I was much younger,” he felt her fingers run over his scalp and through his hair and the weight looming over his shoulders practically melted off, “I haven’t held onto any of them, and they’ve likely aged poorly, but I know how I felt showing them around.”

“Why’d you stop? If you don’t mind my asking,” reaching around, (Y/n) threaded her fingers through Korekiyo’s bangs and, as gently as humanly possible, pulled the hair hanging over and around his face back into a slicked style.

“My… sister, she always rathered that I participate in anthropology with her. I wasn’t all that good anyways.”

“Aw, that’s kinda sad. Even if you weren’t good, you could’ve improved over time.”

“Do you truly believe that, (Y/n)?”

“Of course, I mean, talents are just developed over time, right? Angie didn’t pop out of the womb an art genius and I didn’t start off great at writing music, you just keep at it and eventually your skill level is way better than when you started.”

Sister always said he’d be garbage at drawing. Somebody like him could never learn.

She tied off and twisted until the bun was perfect - well, not perfect. It was presentable enough, and it was just a bun anyway! Not like they had anywhere to be.

“Sorry it’s messy,” she scratched at her cheek, feeling anxious that he’d be upset with her work.

“I…” he felt another little smile peek over him, it was indeed messy with stray hairs sticking out here and there and a few tiny bumps running over his head, but even so, “I love it.”

“You do?”

“It’s a gesture from you, why wouldn’t I?”

Standing beside Korekiyo at the mirror, (Y/n) twiddled her thumbs before spewing out her question, “It’s totally cool if not, but can I hug you? Sorry if that’s weird!”

“No… it’s…” Sister never asked to touch him, and now that he thought about it, she never seemed to care when he told her to stop, “That would be wonderful.”

As her arms slowly came around him, he felt truly at ease. With Sister, there was always this fear of never being what she wanted. That she hated him deep down. With (Y/n), it felt like finally being attached to someone you were meant to. Returning to a place of deep affection.

“You truly do care about me, don’t you, (Y/n)?”

“What kind of question is that?” she back-pedals, “I mean, of course, I do. You’re very dear to me, Kiyo.”

Maybe even a little too dear, considering the current climate of the killing game.

But even so, neither of them pulls away. Neither cares enough to wrangle themselves from indulging in the other’s touch. It feels too good against their skin.

It’s then that Korekiyo’s brain strikes the flint to create the burning thought - maybe Sister wasn’t all that great. Maybe Sister didn’t love him.

She’s only ever made him miserable, now that he recalls it all.

(Y/n) doesn’t. She makes him feel human and alive and adored. He likes the way she makes him feel. And between the two, he much rather would be praised than berated.

~~

Oh God, what did this mean again?

Where do the creation myths go?

Who’s Princess Kaguya?

Her head throbs at the thoughts rumbling through her. She tried to get Korekiyo to get someone, anyone, but her to organize his notes.

Shuichi would love this stuff! You two should bond!

Gonta could learn about being gentlemanly from you! It’d be a great learning experience!

I know you don’t like Miu that much, but maybe spending more time together could make you understand each other more?

Anyone.

And yet, Korekiyo denied. He liked spending time with her. He wouldn’t mind answering every question she had - no matter how many times she asked it. He was a patient person, he could handle it.

(Y/n) looked at all the books and stray papers surrounding her alike, bottom lip tugged between her teeth in focus and face beating hot in vivid embarrassment. He wasn’t even looking at her, thank God, but still… it was so mortifying that she’d already lost track of what she was doing.

She tried so hard to pay attention, she really, really did!

She wanted to help so bad. She wanted to be useful so bad.

But she knew… she’s not a smart person, per se. It was beaten over her head repeatedly her entire life by her family, schooling, peers, and even her friends. She was an idiot who couldn’t do anything right.

It’s why she wanted Korekiyo to ask someone else.

But how could she say no to him? He was always so nice, it’d be downright mean to refuse him. Right?

She felt her eyes burn, vision growing blurry through tears. Setting down the papers in her hands - (Y/n) covered her eyes to keep any wetness from splotching the notes below. It was the least a fucking moron could do.

“(Y/n)? Are you feeling okay?”

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

She nodded shakily, just wanting Korekiyo to ignore her and continue his work. Better yet, he’d kick her out and she could dodge the incoming humiliation altogether.

“Yeah,” her voice cracked, lips trembling.

Goddammit.

She heard papers rustling before she could feel the presence at her side. Fingertips just barely grazing her body before hesitating back, “You’re lying.”

Understatement of the year.

“I just… I’m so sorry, Kiyo. I’m such an idiot, I knew I couldn’t do this,” she whimpered, desperately trying to grab and suffocate down her bubbling sobs before they wracked her throat, “I’m too fucking dumb to do anything right… I’m sorry…”

“No, no, don’t apologize. You’ve done nothing wrong and you’re no idiot,” he’s immediately slammed with every memory of every time he’s called her such a thing. No matter how nice he tried to be about it, he still aided her insecurity, “I’m sorry for ever saying you were. Intellect is not measured by how well you can do a task nor should everyone’s mind be measured the same. Intelligence is fickle and is spread over a vast variety of subjects. You’re not an idiot for not being able to do something you’re not accustomed to.”

“I just… I- I wanted to help you but then I forgot everything you said about organizing them and then which regions are which and what even is a gorgon?”

He chuckled quietly at her question, “A creature in Greek mythology most commonly in reference to three sisters - Medusa, Euryale, and Sthenno - with hair made of living, venomous snakes that turned those who so much as looked upon them to stone,” he glanced around at what (Y/n) had gotten done, “I see that the filing in relation to music is nearly completed for your half.”

“That’s about all I’m good for.”

“And I would not have managed that so easily, music was never an incredible strength of mine - though I do admire it.”

“Don’t lie to me, Kiyo…”

“I would never,” he moved his notes away to sit more comfortably next to the girl, “In fact, if you’d be willing to listen…” his throat tightened and heart thumped in his chest, “I would like to tell you of something that’s been troubling me for quite some time.”

“Yeah,” she wiped away her tears, sniffling, “of course.”

“I told you of my sister, correct?” he waited for her nod of confirmation to continue, “Well, it’s my belief that…” his fists clenched.

What if she didn’t believe him? What if she blamed him? How do you tell someone your older sister raped and abused you when you’re barely even coming to terms with the fact yourself?

“(Y/n), I…” he stopped, gut bunching in knots before he suddenly ripped down his mask and turned to face her, “I think I need help…”

“What? You’re just wearing lipstick, Kiyo, there’s nothing wrong with that.”

“No, no, no, no,” he shook his head, hands shaking wildly as he pulled out the ponytail (Y/n) had done up earlier and yanked through his hair, “E-everything I am is because of her! She consumes me even in death! She- she- she hurt me…”

“Oh,” the girl moved to sit up on her knees, hands reaching out but not yet touching him, “What happened, Kiyo? You can tell me, I’m listening.”

“She told me I was an awful boy, nobody but her could love someone so foul and creepy… she- “ he moved to grip his sleeves, “She touched me,” he looked into the girl’s eyes, “Is it my fault? Am I so disgusting? Why would she do this?”

“Do you want me to hold you or no?” at his shaky nod, she instantly took Korekiyo into a hug, cradling his head and shoulders to her body and stroking through his hair, “You’re more than what she made you. You’re bigger and better than her manipulation. And it’s not your fault she did what she did. It’s completely and totally on her. She took advantage of you, Kiyo, that’s not your fault.”

He grabbed her arm and pressed his face into her shirt as she held him, “Am I rotten? Am I lovable?”

“You’re the best person I’ve ever met. You’re worthy of love and care.”

His lipstick smeared over her shirt and across his cheek and neither of them minded. It would wash off eventually. Her stain on his life would come out.

“When we get out,” (Y/n) began again, “do you want to seek professional help? You can get it, Kiyo.”

He was slow to nod, beginning to grow tired from dosing out tears and trauma at once, “I do… thank you, (Y/n)...”

“No need to thank me.”

“(Y/n)?” she hummed quietly in acknowledgement, “Even if it isn’t for field work… I wish to travel the country with you. I want to show you the beauty of humanity as I know it… for our sakes.”

Looking down, (Y/n) caught the gentleness in his eyes, tender and soft and awaiting her response, she smiled softly, brushing back his hair, “I would love to, Kiyo. If it’s truly something you want to do, I would be happy to go anywhere with you.”

~~

Nighttime was quickly approaching and with the atmosphere and turmoil of the class, (Y/n) didn’t feel very safe being out so late.

“You’re certain you don’t wish for me to walk you to your room?”

“No, you finish up here,” (Y/n) waved off Korekiyo’s offer, “Don’t be such a worry-wart, yeah? I’ll be fine! You better take care of yourself while I’m gone, though.”

He nodded, a small smile stretching over him, “I will, dear (Y/n), don’t worry.”

The girl’s eyes widened slightly before she returned his beam, “You have a cute smile, Kiyo.”

“Oh,” right, he didn’t have his mask on at the moment. It was refreshing to wake up and not trouble himself with makeup for a woman he wasn’t sure even cared - dare he say it, it was nice, even.

He’d only taken his mask off around (Y/n), it felt intimate. Sweet. Something passed only between them.

“Thank you.”

She nodded before turning back and pressing outward from his research lab, “I’ll see ya tomorrow, Kiyo! You better have the sweetest dreams, ya hear me?”

“You as well.”

He returned to cleaning up his lab, occasionally stumbling over a floorboard looser than the others. How troublesome.

That’s when her voice picked up from within his brain.

“You never loved me.”

He looked around despite knowing exactly where the voice was coming from.

“You let her do this to you. You let her take you from me.”

Pushing past them, he persisted in rooting through his notes and organizing his papers.

“She hates you. She’s scared of you. She’s just trying to be nice. You scare her. You scare all of them. You rotten, rotten boy. You’ve been ruined - only I could love a face so hideous and broken. A horrible, horrible boy lucky enough to be given the love I did.”

His hands shook, fingers twitching and heart thrumming heavy, “No. (Y/n) likes me. She enjoys my company.”

“Why would she enjoy the company of someone so lonely and depressing? So gross and foul? She probably hates you for partaking in your own sister’s touch.”

“No, she- she doesn’t… she knows it’s not… it’s not my fault…”

“Are you inside her head? How do you know? How are you certain? I’m the only one who ever loved you - and you’ve abandoned me. Left me all alone.”

“No, I- I haven’t abandoned you, Sister! Please, believe me, I never abandoned you.”

“So, you know what you must do to prove yourself to me.”

“(Y/n) wouldn’t like that…”

“(Y/n) wouldn’t like you anyway.”

She’s right, right? She’s right. Someone as wonderful and beautiful as (Y/n) could never adore him the way he does her. He loves her and she must find him repulsive. Staying out of fear.

Out of pity for the boy abused by his sister. And so, who better to return to than the more predictable of the two?

(Y/n) may have felt more like coming home than Sister - but Sister was home. (Y/n) was comfort. Sister was familiarity.

He found his foot planted against the loose floorboard once again. He knew how he had to make up for his misdeeds and abandonment.

~~

“I’m truly relieved to see that you got to your room safely,” Korekiyo murmured to (Y/n).

“Huh? Oh yeah,” she pointed over to their local gentle giant, “Gonta and I crossed paths on my way and he wanted to walk me to my room and I just couldn’t say no to him. It’s nice to have someone you trust in this ‘game’. Well, other than you,” the elevator jumbled slightly as it dove down into Monokuma’s makeshift courtroom, “I trust you, obviously.”

She shouldn’t. And he wants to tell her that.

But as Kokichi and Shuichi take glances at him from across the elevator, he knows that she’ll figure things out soon enough.

And, during the trial, when Shuichi’s convicting Korekiyo of the murder of Angie Yonaga and Tenko Chabashira - she does. And she cries and screams and throws a fit. Demanding Korekiyo to fight back harder. Demanding Shuichi to stop lying and get serious. Because Korekiyo would never kill somebody.

He was nice. He was a gentleman. He cared about people. He had stolen her heart - and a man who managed that wouldn’t kill anybody. So, of course, Shuichi was lying.

“Do I have to remind you of what’ll happen if you don’t vote?” Monokuma bit out.

(Y/n) clutched at her hair - she knew what she had to do. But every time she went to vote for Korekiyo, her body wouldn’t let her.

Reaching over, the boy himself took her hand in his, “Allow me,” as he guided her hand over her voting panel. No matter how she swatted at his hand or tried to wrench herself from Korekiyo’s grip, he pressed her vote into his name.

She was forced to watch as he was strung up and spun. Made dizzy and sickly. She was made to watch as he fell into the melting pot. Fires eating at his body until he was no more than spirit.

As Monokuma and the sister who had harmed him so horrifically worked as one to rid the world of his soul.

Eyes went to (Y/n) as the execution subsided. Her sobs and hiccups drawing everyone’s attention.

Gonta was the first to approach, a large hand settling on the girl’s back as she cried, silently taking her into a hug.

Her heart wrenched, fingers squeezing at Gonta’s suit and throat rubbing raw with her wild wails.

He could’ve gotten help. He could’ve gotten out with everyone. If she’d just stayed with him then she could’ve done something. Angie and Tenko would be here. Korekiyo would be here.

“Alright, that’s enough,” Kaito’s voice peeked through, “Don’t cry because he’s gone, (Y/n). Move forward - for both of you.”

“I…” she shook her head, choking on a sob, “I don’t think I can…”

Shuichi placed a hand on Kaito’s shoulder, “Just give her a little time.”

As the group moved out of the courtroom, Gonta stayed by (Y/n)’s side up until she clumsily made her way into her dorm room.

Immediately, she collapsed into her bed sheets. Dreading tomorrow. And the next day. And the one after that. And the one after that. And so on. And so forth. Maybe she should’ve known better than to go around falling for a guy in the killing game. Maybe she should’ve held herself up in her room all alone.

There was no escape from this feeling. No hiding. It may get better over time - but Korekiyo would always be gone.

A buzz at the door caught her attention. Her movements were sluggish, honestly just hoping that whoever was there had given up and left by the time she finally answered.

Shuichi stood there, classically uneven, anxious smile and all, “I think there’s something you might be interested in? If you’ll follow me.”

No verbal response was given, only (Y/n) stepping out of her room and shutting the door behind her to give him her confirmation.

He began towards the casino. With a sigh, (Y/n) was about to tell Shuichi off - she didn’t need to start gambling to get over Korekiyo’s death - until he stopped in front of the building.

“I mostly just wanted you to get some fresh air,” he says earnestly before digging in his pocket and pulling out a key with a heart-shaped handle, “I got this from here. You can get your own or keep this one, I think you need it more than I do,” at her confusion he continues to explain, “It can take you into this weird dream-like state where you can see what ‘ideal’ you play in our classmates’ minds… I think you know who I gave this to you for.”

“Kiyo…”

“Yeah. You can see him again, if you want.”

She wanted to be strong and push the key back into Shuichi’s hand - instead, she just looked between him and the key in her hold and nodded slowly, “Thank you, Shuichi…”

He placed a hand on her shoulder, “Sleep well, (Y/n). I know you can grow past this.”

Because he did.

“I’ll try.”

But he wasn’t her. And Kaede was gone far before Korekiyo. And their grief was not the same.

“Thanks again, Shuichi.”

“Just take your time, okay?”

“Yeah, okay.”

~~

Her knees felt like collapsing under the weight of her nerves, hand falling to the doorknob of the hotel room.

She pushed through her anxiety and found herself in a red-tinted room, a large heart-shaped bed in the center with a merry-go-round circling it. Then, she found Korekiyo standing to the side.

What would his ‘ideal’ version of her be? A friend? An out-of-touch acquaintance? A lover?

Her heart throbbed at the last possibility.

“Ah, my dear, back so soon?”

“Oh, yeah, sorry…”

“Why are you apologizing?”

“I’m, uhm, not sure?”

I’m sorry I couldn’t help you.

“Then don’t,” he seemed to glide across the room, taking the girl’s cheeks in his hands, “You’ve always had a problem with that, my love.”

My love? My love.

“Ah, yeah, sorry,” she huffed at her own word selection, “Oh…”

Korekiyo chuckled quietly, pulling down his mask to kiss her forehead, “I already took my medication while you were out.”

“Your medication?”

“Yes, from the doctor. You were the one who pushed me to go, have you forgotten?”

“Right! No, no, I just blanked,” she quickly lied, giving the boy a broad grin, “I’m glad, though.”

“It’s only medication, dear.”

“Still,” (Y/n) reached up to cup Korekiyo’s cheek, “it’s good that you’re following through with your meds.”

“Your support always helps,” he pressed another kiss to the girl’s forehead, “We’ll be leaving early in the morning tomorrow, I should warn you,” at her furrowed brows he explained, “In order for us to catch the first train to Iwate prefecture. Did you forget, darling?”

“Wait, wait, let me guess…” she waited for his nod before tossing out her suggestion, “We’re traveling for field work!” she was then quick to tag on, “As a couple that’s, like, super in love?”

“You didn’t forget at all, my love,” Korekiyo pulled away slightly, and sat on the bed, removing his shoes, “You play that memory of yours down too much. You’re far more intelligent than you think.”

“You think that?”

“Of course, I do. It’s not just because I love you dearly, either. You mustn’t let the words and actions of others control your opinion on yourself - you’re better than they say.”

This is his ultimate fantasy. He’s her lover. They travel and see the beauty of humanity together, just like what he said he wanted. He loves her. He thinks she’s so great.

He’s wrong.

She should’ve stayed with him that night.

He’s wrong.

She could’ve done so much to keep him with her.

He’s dead.

Because she should’ve stayed.

“Kiyo,” her eyes burned and began to soak, “I’m sorry!” her lungs rapidly expanded and contracted with her sporadic breaths, her hands clutching at her shirt. Her knees finally buckled and she collapsed to the ground, “I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’m sorry for being a stupid, stupid, stupid failure! Please… forgive me…!”

Korekiyo immediately stood up and rushed to (Y/n)’s side, bringing her into a tight hug as she fell to the floor, his fingers running through her hair. He kisses at her temple and cheeks, waiting until her cries settle enough for him to be audible in the room, “It’s interesting, dear, I first realized I’d fallen in love with you in a situation similar as this. I desired to comfort and reassure you just as I do now. You’re not stupid nor a failure, and I adore you above all else.”

Shaking her head, (Y/n) only began to cry harder into Korekiyo’s chest. This could’ve been their future. This could’ve been what they had to share and hold between only each other. If she’d only stayed. If she’d been with him that night.

“Oh, my dear, I’m sorry for upsetting you.”

“It wasn’t you,” she clamped a hand over her mouth, trying to keep back her cries, “I- I- it’s all my fault… it’s all my fault…”

“You haven’t done anything wrong, darling,” Korekiyo held her tighter, “I love you, my dearest (Y/n). No matter what you’ve done, I will always forgive you.”

And once again, her tears only came out harder. Her head pounding ruthlessly at the ache and consciousness fading out in her exhaustion. Korekiyo was dead. And no amount of her tears could ever bring him back.

[thewalkingdead-imagines]

My Take on TLOU 2

Warning: Major spoilers for tlou part 1 and 2 below!

Before I start: None of my criticism is meant as hate against anyone who loved the game. This is just my personal opinion, if you liked it or feel differently than me, that’s completely fine, to each their own!  Also, this is solely about the plot, not the gameplay, the scenery, the graphics etc. because those were unarguably breathtaking and incredibly well done. Either way, here we go:

• Starting off with the elephant in the room: I absolutely hated that they killed Joel. I hated this so so much. 

1. The fact that they killed him at all Killing off a main Character is rarely the right call and it most definitely wasn't the right one for tlou in my opinion. Joel and Ellie’s father-daughter relationship and its growth was what made the first game so special and by killing Joel, they killed a whole lot of the game’s essence already. Plus, and this is a personal thing, I (and I am 100% sure lots of others) loved Joel as character, which makes killing him off even worse. ...which lets me come to my second point

2. How they killed him First, the fact that they did it so very early on in the game. I spoiled myself on accident and knew he was going to die way before I even started the initial game but I can say that I was entirely shocked that it happened at the start. I thought it might be done towards the middle, which would have at least given us some time with him and a possibility to say “goodbye” in a way but instead you get very few moments with him at the start and then his death. That’s it. That alone is a punch in the face for anyone who loved this character and the first game. Then, they make him save Abby only for her to lead them into an ambush. I was also very confused that they made Joel follow her without questioning it, sure this one is debatable, but after years and years of being a hardened survivor, do you really think he would just trust a random stranger? He grew softer, sure, and he also grew to trust people more, but not enough to just follow a random stranger who said they had a whole ass group without questioning it at least for a moment. He didn’t even seem to be just slightly wary and to be honest, that just seemed unnatural to me.  The brutality of his death is another punch in the face. Abby tortured him, for god knows how long. She first shot his kneecap off and then tortured him until he laid paralyzed on the ground, blood overflown and barely conscious. They did that to a character the whole first game lead you to love. Then they make Ellie come in to watch Abby give him the rest with a fucking golf curb while she pleads for his life. Sorry but what the fuck? We’ve seen Joel survive so fucking much, he’s survived being impaled by an iron rod for fuck’s sake and took out whatever people threw at him and he dies like that? Without even giving him the possibility to fight back? There’s so much going on in my head when I think about that moment that I honestly can’t even put all of this into words.

• I get that this all was done to set up the remaining plot and honestly, that was the next problem in my eyes. This whole story revolved around a revenge plot and how much you have to stop this circle of revenge. To me, that’s more of a predicable and overused plot but that might be a personal thing. My problem is even more that they made the whole story about this and that it felt like a severely forced teaching moment / moral of the story type of thing that lasted for 25(?) hours. I’m not against teaching moments per se, that’s not the thing, and I wanna be clear about that but I hate it when its a. forced b. way too obvious and feels unnatural, and to me that was the case in the second part.

• Now about 1/3 through the game, I didn’t want to completely give up on it yet. I thought/hoped there might be a chance for me to even somehow like it in the end. So I wanted to  stay open and for a little I could still see that there was a bit of the essence of the first game left. I loved the cut scenes of Joel and Ellie so so much. I can’t emphasize how much I adore them. They did a great job with them, really. The scenes at the museum are pure perfection and they honestly made me despise the fact that they decided to kill him even more. I will never get over Ellie putting the hats on the dinosaurs and Joel, and I will surely not get over his gift to her. This guy went out and searched his ass off to find her a cassette with the first moon-landing, just to be sure that he has the perfect gift for her. This is beyond adorable. I’ve rewatched these scenes so often already and they honestly get me emotional each time. These scenes felt like the first game again, they gave you that cozy, warm feeling when you got to watch their relationship grow. I also loved the guitar shop (or their way towards it) cut scene, it kind of conveyed what I would’ve wished for for the entire game. A good bunch of action and horror when they have to make their way through but it still has the essence of their relationship and their story when they discuss the teenager’s deaths.

• In short, I really really wanted to see more of these cut scenes and kept on hoping for more until they switched everything up and a cut scene for Abby started. 

• I already expected them to try and make Abby look better or made the thing she did to Joel kind of “understandable”, especially because I’ve seen that there were people who really started to love her character. So I kind of expected something big to happen. To me, it didn’t. So her father was the surgeon that Joel killed. Sure she hated Joel (fair enough, he killed her parent) but is that enough for me to understand, excuse etc. what she did in Jackson? Fuck no and that has several reasons. → Joel didn’t kill (nor fucking tortured!!) her father because of something small, like a few supplies etc. he killed him because he literally was about to kill his adopted daughter for a vaccine that might have not even worked out. He killed him to protect someone. Also:  → Her father moreover visibly seemed to doubt that he would do this procedure if Abby was the immune girl, which is pretty much hypocritical bullshit. → Abby’s father didn’t give a shit about Ellie too, he could have let her wake up and make a conscious decision whether she wanted to do this, he didn’t. He just approved of killing her → He threatened Joel with a surgical knife  → He would have stayed alive if he would have let Joel just go with Ellie / refrained from killing her  So this honestly didn’t make me feel for her, this only made my rage for her grow. She had to know that Joel killed her father (and prevented the vaccine) because he didn’t want this little girl to die for something that might have not even worked. Then, he saves her ass from a sure death and she still decides to torture him to death? There was not one moment of doubt in Abby, not one and what makes it worse is that she doesn’t show any remorse about what she did at any time during the game

• I really hoped that they would stop after this but they really made you play all 3 days as Abby, the same time as Ellie. They really force you to play as character who has killed and brought so much pain over the characters you grew to love (probably as an attempt to force you to like her after seeing her side). So instead of using these hours to give you time to play with these beloved characters, they give it to her. Sorry but that’s bullshit. 

• Besides this, it also absolutely threw off the pace of the plot. You just wanted to know what happens to Ellie now that Abby on top of it all also killed Jesse (!!!) and instead you get thrown back to square one. • I’m not interested in her weird love triangle with Owen and Mel, I don’t care how she got from Salt lake city to Seattle and I don’t care about her work out program. All these plots just frustrated me more tbh.

• Now, I wanna add that I tried to ask myself if I would’ve liked her if she hadn’t killed Joel and honestly, I’m 100% sure I wouldn’t. I just really don’t like her personality. All this time she just seemed bitter and boring, moreover she repeatedly said that she helped those others for herself and to top it off, she also fucked a guy with a pregnant girlfriend (fuck Owen too btw). So again, how do you expect me to like her?

• I did like Lev and Yara. Honestly, if naughtydog wanted to do something so very new, they could’ve just made a whole story about Lev’s struggles within this post apocalyptic community. That would have at least been interesting and wouldn’t have fucked your favorite characters over, just saying.

• Now flash-forward to the scene back at the theater. Abby’s just killed Jesse, she’s got Tommy hurt on the floor and then you’re forced to play as her and hurt Ellie? Fuck that  (Also, the way they had Ellie walk around in that scene? C’mon that’s not how she’d walk around a room while she’s searching for her enemy)

• This thing kind of leads to one thing that wraps up a lot of the end well, Ellie was panicked and broke down when she realized that Mel was pregnant, Abby said “good” when Ellie plead for Dina’s life and said that she was pregnant. I’m not saying that there’s a general difference between Ellie killing people and Abby killing people, it’s obviously shit either way but there’s a clear difference in how they handle it. Ellie is clearly distraught while Abby stays cold, and after everything (also everything else I’ve mentioned) they still wanna make you sympathize with Abby and be angry with Ellie for doing all this. A lot of the game is set up to this (at least that’s what i felt like). Just one example: Abby plays fetch with dog, Ellie is forced to kill dog (also, weird how you’re just forced to kill dogs when you play as Ellie and not Abby, huh?)

• While naughtydog tried to make YOU (as well as Ellie, honestly) see all the different points of views they make Abby entirely ignorant to it, without any remorse and still try to make you have sympathy for her. She does not try to be insightful regarding what she’s done to Joel and see Ellie/Joel’s side just once. She actually mentions that Joel deserved much worse and suggests she did everything right in Jackson. This ignorance and complete lack of remorse...I think this is one of by biggest problems with this plot. Also, that very last attempt to make you feel for Abby when she’s lost her bulk and stand at those pillars? Really? Kinda cheap 

• Again, I get where they wanted to go with the story. I get that they wanted to show that you lose everything when you just seek for revenge and that the circle needs to be broken, but it was so one-sided in the end. Both, Abby and Ellie lost a lot, but Ellie loses absolutely everyone and Abby still has Lev. Ellie loses even two fingers, which doesn’t even allow her to play guitar, which is another fucking punch in the face. It was more about letting Ellie face the consequences instead of Abby and to me, that’s just the wrong call to make after the entire first game lead you to love her and Joel. So, it felt dissatisfying to let Abby go in the end. I get why they did that but it felt like this whole journey was for absolutely nothing. Especially after they ripped her from a life with Dina and JJ to go back to hunting Abby down. She lost everything and didn’t even get to end it. 

• Generally, what this game did...I don’t think that this is something you do with beloved characters. You just don’t do them completely dirty and they did so with Ellie and Joel. People loved this game majorly because of Joel and Ellie’s story and relationship and were excited to see more of it in the next part and they screwed those people, their viewers and players, completely over. You don’t have to be a complete viewer pleaser, don’t get me wrong, but you also don’t need to completely shit all over them. After all, these are the people who buy and support your game, it’s just not fair to them.

• This might be a personal thing but I’ve seen so many creators ruin good stories just because they wanted to do something super creative, edgy and entirely new with it. 99% of the time that goes horribly wrong. Don’t get me wrong, you have to do new things to keep it fresh but at the same time you cannot lose what made a story special in the first place. You have to make sure to keep the essence of the story alive and at the same time do something new with it. Unfortunately, i feel like the creators of this game didn’t even want to keep this essence alive, they just wanted to do something entirely new and they belong to the 99% who managed to ruin it.

• You know what I would have loved as plot for the second game? If they would have let Ellie explore that her life can mean something and matter even without a vaccine. The first game even perfectly set the second one up for this. Resolving Joel and Ellie’s conflict + making Ellie realize that she’s more than just her immunity + a new adventure...that would have perfectly continued the story. It would have kept the essence of the game going and mixed it with something new. Now, they pretty much ignored how Ellie felt about this part (except for two cut scenes and a tiny bit here and there) which was pretty much her main issue since she got bit. The last cut scene with Joel and her outside...it just made we wish so much that they got the chance to properly talk everything out. And by now, I kinda just pretend that everything after this night didn’t happen.

• So honestly, I’m just very disappointed and upset. It felt like they were mostly just trying to prove that they had the balls to pull a plot like this off, to show that they had the balls to kill a beloved main character and have you play with their killer.  Sure, that might be ballsy and bold, but to me, that’s not what good story telling is about. Good story telling is not a game of “my dick is bigger than yours”. But maybe that’s just my opinion.

And there’s one more thing: Happy endings aren’t always bad, lazy and unrealistic And depressing endings aren’t automatically creative, deep and good I feel like that’s something a lot of creators don’t realize

[gayregis]

you might've already answered this but i adore all your takes on the show SO what did you think abt twn having the timeline all out of order? i didn't mind (even tho i read the books after) but i know it bothered a lot of people. thanks !

honestly, this is something that bothers me the most. it is on-par with the sincerely bad mischaracterizations of all of the characters and removal of the significant messages and themes of the short stories.

i feel that it’s insanely confusing for the majority of people when watching to have timeskips that are many many years apart without as much as a text card to say (20 years later). it’s good that you didn’t mind, but yeah i have heard from basically everyone, even people who loved the show, who say that the timeskips were the one thing that super confused them.

now, i watched the show having had read the books and legitimately dissecting any little thing as i watched. i went at this show with fucking tweezers and a scapel. i don’t get to say that i was confused by the timeskips, because during every single shot and scene, i was literally taking notes in a text document as to where the narrative was going and which scene was which from the books, where they were on the continent, what short story they were doing... although i was confused when things diverged so wholly from canon during the brokilon arc, i don’t get to say i was confused by the timeskip between the events of the lesser evil and the massacre of cintra, because i knew these stories already. 

but as a viewer, i was confused as to why they felt that was necessary. there was no reason to add in timeskips. there was no great parallel being made. they didn’t connect the two stories at all besides renfri making a side comment about how she was jealous of calanthe, then-princess. there was no thematic parallel. it felt like a gimmick to keep people from being bored with the first story (which it was, because there was a lack of interesting dialogue and i got very bored with it).

and it gets worse when i try to think of what it would have been like if i had NO prior knowledge of the witcher, or even just knowledge from the witcher 3. i... would have had no idea where cintra geographically is. i wouldn’t know who vesemir is when geralt mentions him. i wouldn’t have the faintest fucking clue as to why the story is switching between this man and this girl, and i’d be trying to establish their connection with no luck. because there’s literally nothing by this point which tells you that ciri is his daughter.

i think it’s a fucking stupid gimmick that lauren hissrich did because she wanted to gain more viewers by being “progressive” and including female characters yennefer and ciri earlier in the story even when it makes everything all the more confusing to have them there. i think it was a really stupid move that isn’t justifiable in any way because it’s sincerely disorienting to the viewer and makes everything make no sense. in the books, the stories are laid out in a certain order with a certain framing story for a reason. ciri appears as a character when she does for a reason. 

geralt finding ciri in brokilon was... such an incredibly significant moment and the fact that they didn’t introduce ciri in this way was really heartbreaking and sore to me. when geralt realizes that ciri is not just some random girl, but his daughter, that she is his child and she is not his destiny but something more... as ciri says to yennefer in blood of elves, you should have seen the look on his face. i wanted to see the look on new fans’ faces, on even my own face because it’s worth it to see a story retold. it was meant to be a surprise... she is the surprise child, as geralt says, she’s the biggest surprise he’s ever met. and the fact that geralt has to part with her, that he HAS to because otherwise he would bring danger to her, is incredibly painful. that was ciri’s introduction for a reason. the saga begins to follow her from that point on, that distinguishable point in brokilon. after this, the next story is something more, which revolves around many significant people in geralt’s life, but is focused on his desire to become ciri’s father for real. this point is very important because it’s a turning point for the series. it stops being about geralt, and begins to be about ciri.

similarly, yennefer is introduced as she is for a reason. in the last wish, she is not meant to be immediately likable. she antagonizes geralt and is actually kind of the antagonist of the story for a good part of it. the netflix series introduces her with her sad backstory, making the first emotion you feel towards her be pity and outrage at her treatment. yennefer in the book series was slowly developed, yennefer in the book series is carmelized onions. at first she is like raw onions, when you chop a raw onion your eyes might water, and raw onion is very strong and overwhelming taste that a majority of people find unpleasant (think of biting into a whole onion). but over time, when you put these chopped onions into the pan with olive oil and salt, they begin to get softer, sweeter. even when they’re not entirely browned yet, they’re palatable and delicious. yennefer in the bounds of reason shows sincere depth as she defies her trope and is sincerely emotionally hurt by geralt for leaving her without a word. she gets even more developed in a shard of ice, and her relationship with geralt is developed even when she is not present in a little sacrifice, and by the end of the sword of destiny, it makes sense as to why they are together as a couple. then in blood of elves as she becomes a mother to ciri and in time of contempt, baptism of fire, tower of the swallow, and lady of the lake, she is such an incredibly selfless and caring mother and you learn her backstory that she develops this incredible depth that you would never have thought she had the potential for in the last wish. 

the timeskips are really detrimental to not only yennefer and ciri’s characters, but also geralt and dandelion’s. geralt is introduced in the specific order of stories for a reason. in the witcher, we learn what a witcher is. we learn what he was created to do, but also how he as an individual is incredibly different from many of the rest of his guild and how he has this inner depth and humanity that he has to keep hidden. i’ll admit that a grain of truth is skippable, but i appreciate how it also shows that geralt will go out of his way to help others even when there is no contract and no reward involved. in the lesser evil, we learn why he has committed himself to neutrality and how society views him as a witcher. this is very significant for how he interacts with others, especially ciri, as he does not want to pass this legacy down to her. in a question of price, we see him choosing the route of pacifism yet again and also are introduced to the concept of destiny linking him with ciri. then in the voice of reason 5 / the edge of the world, we learn more about his humanity as his relationship with dandelion is explored and we get to see geralt in a closer, more intimiate friendship light, not on the job or embroiled in a conflict. we also see him acting pacifist again and learn of his opinions on otherness, the otherness that he himself is classified as. in the last wish, we learn how human he really is, we see his real devotion to dandelion and then his choice to assist yennefer and his vulnerability with yennefer. of course it’s not meant to end there because it has yet to take down the trope of a happy ending that it ended with, but you can see geralt’s linear character progression in just this first collection of short stories. you understand him as a character and what his motivations and relationships to others are.

tl;dr: the timeskips in twn do more damage than everyone thinks; they’re not just annoying and super confusing for new fans, but they are a major enabler of poor character development and bastardization of the books they were meant to be an “adaptation” of 

[anonknows]

Hear me out:

Okay so, my brother made a joke about ghosts last night while I was playing Persona 5 Royal, and me being me, my brain came up with an entire AU.

Paranormal investigators AU for Persona 5 Royal.

Straight up, they could keep the Phantom Thieves name for the group, or, if they wanted to be punny, Phantom Sees as I came up with at 3 in the morning. No but I straight up have whole plot points for characters. Mild Persona 5 spoilers I guess because some of the AU ideas revolve around the character's original story.

Joker: A mostly normal kid who used to be known in his hometown for being able to see ghosts and performing other psychic type things, but was run out of town after accusing someone (*cough* Shido *cough*) of a crime after seeing it in a vision he had. (Shido managed to convince people he was a fraud). At first, he is the only one who can hear Morgana speak, but depending on how close he gets with certain people, some of his powers may be transferred to others, the first typically being able to understand Morgana and some of the ghosts.

Morgana: A human soul who immediately possessed a cat after passing away (not to his knowledge, he did it completely on accident after being coaxed by Igor). Has no idea he's dead and has no memory of his life before the possession, but feels that he isn't meant to be a cat deep down. As a ghost, he knows how to exorcise other ghosts and has a vast knowledge regarding other paranormal entities, yet has no clue how he knows any of this. Decides to stick around with Joker since he seems to be able to communicate with him, and decides to convince Joker to start the Phantom Sees because he feels drawn towards other ghosts (for obvious reasons) and believes them to be the key to learning his true identity, thus he persuades Joker with the promise of sharing his paranormal knowledge with Joker, which comes in handy when Kamoshida's case rolls around.

Ryuji: Mostly the same except the set-up by which he meets Joker. Basically Shujin is being haunted by one of it's old abusive gym coaches (Kamoshida) and he is somehow causing more havoc than when he was alive. Physically harming students, mostly the ones doing poorly on the volleyball team, and even sexually assaulting the female students. Him being a ghost of course, no one believes any of the students when they try speaking up. Ryuji and the track team incident was the last thing Kamoshida ruined before passing away, and ever since he has been haunting Ryuji and refusing to let him forget the whole thing. Ryuji can't actually SEE Kamoshida, but just by the injuries he sees on the other students, and the occasional degrading whispers he hears, he just KNOWS Kamoshida is the cause of everything. One day while walking to school in the rain, he sees Ann, and also sees her looking incredibly uncomfortable. Ryuji comes to the conclusion that Kamoshida is messing with her in some way, but she runs off before he can confront her about it. At this very same moment someone (Joker) asks Ryuji if he knew who "that man bothering that girl" was, and instantly (well knowing Ryuji it probably takes him a bit) he realizes this strange guy can see Kamoshida, thus, he tags along with him in the hopes of finding out a way to get rid of Kamoshida, and inevitably does with the help of Morgana, who he understands after forming a bond with Joker. While he starts to realize over the course of his time in the Phantom Sees that hunting down paranormal "D-bags" is probably the best job ever, he starts to get upset over how there isn't much glory to be had when you're hunting things most people think are fake anyways.

Ann: Ann was being forced into a relationship with Kamoshida to help Shiho while Kamoshida was alive, and thought that she was free once he died, but, much to her dismay, she could still feel his overwhelming presence. He managed to get in contact with her (by possessing her phone for a bit) and told her that if she didn't continue to do whatever he asked, he would harm Shiho more than ever before. She went through it for a long time until she just couldn't anymore, and Kamoshida went through with his... Plot to harm Shiho, thus leading Shiho to try and kill herself. Joker notices her distress one day and gets her to open up a bit about what has been going on with her, forming a fragile, but decent bond. One day she happens to notice Ryuji and the new transfer student at school plotting something, and, due to her start of a bond with Joker, is able to hear Morgana chime in as well. She immediately confronts them and, after a lot of confusion and various antics, agree to let her help them exorcise Kamoshida.

(Now I have A LOT more ideas for characters such as the tech person being Futaba, Akechi being a ghost that becomes attached to Joker after a hunt but he turns out to secretly be a demon, Shido literally being the devil himself, the "awakenings" being when any of the team members get enough psychic power from Joker to be able to see the ghosts/paranormal creatures for what they really are, Igor and the twins being fallen angels of sorts. Look, I have so many ideas for this AU and I'd LOVE to go more into depth with it, but I first want to see if people are interested in it. If they are I'll go into more detail because I really really love this idea and I would love to spend forever explaining it but I don't want it to be in vain)

[entamewitchlulu]

so i did a reading challenge this year and i wanna talk about what i read

transcription under the cut

i did Popsugar 2019 and wanna talk about what i read:  Book Reccs and Anti-Reccs 

1.) Becoming a Movie in 2019: Umbrella Academy (vol 1) by Gerard Way and Gabriel Ba

4/5. A fascinating take on superpowers, dysfunctional families, and the apocalypse. Can get pretty gory, confusing here and there and you have to pay close attention to panels for lore, but overall an entertaining romp.

2.) Makes you Feel Nostalgic: Circles in the Stream by Rachel Roberts

4/5. Middle grade novel about the magic of music, belief, and of course, friendship. Definitely written for kids, and has some unfortunately clumsy Native rep, but overall an absolute joy to dive into once again.

3.) Written by a Musician: Umbrella Academy (vol 2) by Gerard Way and Gabriel Ba

4/5. Ramps up the confusion to ridiculous degrees with some absolutely bonkers, unexplained arcs, but still fun to watch this dysfunctional family do its dysfunctional thing.

4.) You Think Should be Turned into a movie: All That Glitters by Rachel Roberts

4/5. Continuation of Circles in the Stream, but with more unicorns, more rainbows, and more fae, which makes it automatically even better than the first.

5.) With At Least 1 Mil. Ratings on Goodreads: 1984 by George Orwell   

1/5. I understand why it's important and all but wasn't prepared for some of the more graphic scenes and the overall hopelessness of the message.  Would not recommend or read again.

6.) W/ a Plant in the title or cover: The secret of Dreadwillow carse by Brian farrey

5/5. A fantasy world where everyone is always happy, save for one girl and the princess, who set out to solve the mystery of their kingdom. Poignant and great for kids and adults.

7.) Reread of a favorite: Cry of the Wolf by Rachel Roberts

4/5. Yet another installment in the Avalon: Web of Magic series, which clearly I am obsessed with.  Please just read them.

8.) About a Hobby: Welcome to the Writer's Life by Paulette Perhach

5/5. A welcome kick in the pants, chock full of great advice told without condescension, and full of hope and inspiration for writers both new and old.

9.) Meant to read in 2018: The Poet x by Elizabeth Acevedo  

4/5. Absolutely beautiful coming of age novel told in verse.  Do yourself a favor and listen to the audiobook version.

10.) w/ "pop," "sugar," or "challenge" in the title: Black Sugar by Miguel Bonnefoy

2/5. I think maybe I just don't understand this genre.  Or maybe the translation was weird. I was confused.  

11.) w/ An Item of Clothing or Accessory on the cover: Our dreams at Dusk by Yuhki Kamatani

4/5. It had a lot more slurs/homophobia than I was prepared for, but otherwise is a very touching, relatable collection of queer characters living in a heteronormative world.

12.) Inspired by Mythology or Folklore: Ravenous by MarcyKate Connolly

3/5. A girl goes on an impossible quest to save her brother from a child-eating witch. Really wanted to like it more because I loved the first one, Monstrous, but it dragged a little.

13.) Published Posthumously: The Islands of Chaldea by Diana Wynne Jones

3/5. I adore Diana Wynne Jones, but this one was missing some of the magic of her other books. Not sure if it was because it had to be finished by someone else, or if I just grew out of her stories.

14.) Set in Space: Binti by Nnedi Okorafor

4/5. Powerfully written story of a girl straddling tradition and innovation, who wields power through mathematical magic, surviving on a spaceship alone with a dangerous alien occupation after everyone else has been killed.

15.) By 2 Female Authors: Burn for Burn by Jenny Han and Siobhan Vivian

2/5. Ostensibly a story about a revenge pact in a small island town, but leaves far too many dangling threads to attempt alluring you to the sequel.

16.) W/ A Title containing "salty," "bitter," "Sweet," or "Spicy": The Price of Salt by Patricia Highsmith  

3/5. It's okay but I literally just never know what anyone means at any time. Are they being reticent on purpose or do i just not understand communication

17.) Set in scandinavia: Vinland Saga by Makoto Yukimura

2/5. Technically and historically accurate and well made, but the story itself is not my cup of tea.  Very gory.

18.) Takes Place in a Single Day: Long WAy Down by Jason Reynolds

4/5. A boy goes to avenge his murdered brother, but ghostly passengers join him on the elevator ride down. Stunning and powerful character-driven analysis.

19.) Debut Novel: Nimona by Noelle Stevenson

4/5. Charming and then surprisingly heart-breaking comic about Nimona, a shapeshifter who wants to become a villain's minion. Really love the villain/hero dynamic going on in the background, along with the dysfunctional found family.

20.) Published in 2019: The Book of Pride by Mason Funk  

4/5. A collection of interviews with the movers, shakers, and pioneers of the queer and LGBTQ+ community.  An absolutely essential work for community members and allies alike.

21.) Featuring an extinct/imaginary creature: Phoebe and her Unicorn by Dana Simpson

4/5. Incredibly charming, Calvin and Hobbes-esque collection of comics featuring the adventures of Phoebe and her unicorn best friend.

22.) Recced by a celebrity you admire: The Emerald Circus by Jane Yolen

2/5. Recced by my fave author Brandon Sanderson. An unfortunately disappointing anthology proving that any story can be made uninteresting by telling the wrong section of it.

23.) With "Love" in the Title: Book Love by Debbie Tung

4/5. One of those relatable webcomics, only this one I felt super hard almost the entire time.  Books are awesome and libraries rule.

24.) Featuring an amateur detective: Nancy Drew: Palace of Wisdom by Kelly Thompson

4/5. REALLY love this modern take on Nancy Drew, coming back home to her roots to solve a brand new mystery. Diverse cast and lovely artwork, though definitely more adult.

25.) About a family: Amulet by Kabu Kibuishi

4/5. Excellent, top tier graphic novel about a sister and brother who have to go rescue their mother with a mysterious magic stone. LOVE that the mom gets to be involved in the adventure for once.

26.) by an author from asia, Africa, or s. America: Girls' Last tour by Tsukumizu

4/5. Somehow both light-hearted and melancholy. Two girls travel about an empty, post-apocalyptic world, and muse about life and their next meal.

27.) w/ a Zodiac or astrology term in title: Drawing down the moon by margot adler

3/5. A good starting place for anyone interested in the Neo Pagan movement, but didn't really give me what I was personally looking for.

28.) you see someone reading in a tv show or movie: The Promised NEverland by Kaiu Shirai

4/5. I don't watch TV or movies where people read books so i think reading an adaptation of a TV series after watching the series counts. Anyway it was good but beware racist caricatures

29.) A retelling of a classic: Meg, Jo, Beth, and Amy by Rey Terciero

5/5. We can stop the Little Women reboots and retellings now, this is the only one we need. In fact, we can toss out the original too, this is the only one necessary.

30.) w/ a question in the title: So I'm a spider, so what? by Asahiro Kakashi

4/5. Cute art despite the subject matter, and a surprisingly enthralling take on the isekai genre. Love the doubling down on the video game skills.

31.) Set in a college or university campus: Moonstruck (vol 2) by Grace Ellis

2/5. An incredibly cute, beautiful, and fascinating world of modern magic and creatures, but unfortunately falls apart at the plot and pacing.

32.) About someone with a superpower: Moonstruck (vol 1) by Grace Ellis

4/5. Though nearly as messy plot-wise as its sequel, the first volume is overwhelmingly charming in a way that overpowers the more confusing plot elements.

33.) told from multiple povs: The Long way to a Small, Angry Planet by becky Chambers

4/5. Told almost in a serial format, like watching a miniseries, a group of found-family spaceship crew members make the long journey to their biggest job ever.

34.) Includes a wedding: We Set the dark on fire by Tehlor kay mejia

4/5. Timely and poignant, a girl tumbles into both love and resistance after becoming one of two wives to one of the most powerful men in the country.

35.) by an author w/ alliterative name: The only harmless great Thing by brooke bolander

3/5. Much deeper than I can currently comprehend.  Beautifully written, but difficult to parse.

36.) A ghost story: Her body and other parties by Carmen Maria Machado

4/5.  It counts because one of the stories in it has ghosts. A sometimes difficult collection of surrealist, feminist, queer short stories.

37.) W/ a 2 word title: Good omens by Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman

4/5. Charming, touching, and comical, probably the best take on the apocalypse to date. Also excellent ruminations on religion and purpose.

38.) based on a true story: The faithful Spy by John Hendrix

4/5. Brilliantly crafted graphic biography of Dietrich Bonhoeffer, and his assistance in fighting back against Nazi Germany.

39.) Revolving around a puzzle or game: the Crossover by Kwame alexander

4/5. The verse didn't always hit right with me, but the story is a sweet, melancholy one about family, loss, and moving on.

40.) previous popsugar prompt (animal in title): The last unicorn by peter s. Beagle

5/5. Absolutely one of my all-time favorite books, it manages to perfectly combine anachronism and comedy with lyricism, melancholy, and ethereal beauty.

41.) Cli-fi: Tokyo Mew Mew by Mia ikumi and Reiko Yoshida

4/5. Shut up it counts

42.) Choose-your-own-adventure: My Lady's choosing by Kitty curran

3/5. Cute in concept, a bit underwhelming in execution. Honestly, just play an otome.

43.) "Own Voices": Home by Nnedi Okorafor

3/5. The storytelling style was definitely not my style; while the first book was slow, too, it felt more purposeful. I found my attention wandering during this installment.

44.) During the season it's set in: Pumpkinheads by rainbow rowell

3/5. Cute art, but precious little substance.  The concept simply wasn't for me in the first place.

45.) LITRPG: My next life as a villainess: All routes lead to doom! by Hidaka nami

5/5. An absolute insta-fave! Charming art, endearing characters, an incredible premise, and so much sweet wholesome fluff it'll give you cavities.

46.) No chapters: The field guide to dumb birds of north america by matt kracht

3/5. It started out super strong, but the joke started to wear thin at a little past the halfway point.

47.) 2 books with the same title: Unfollow by Megan Phelps-Roger

4/5. A brave and enduring personal story of growing up in and eventually leaving the Westboro Baptist Church. Really called to me to act with grace and kindness even more in the future.

48.) 2 books with the same title: unfollow by rob williams and michael dowling

1/5. How many times do you think we can make Battle Royale again before someone notices

49.) That has inspired a common phrase or idiom: THe Outsiders by S.E. Hinton

4/5. Definitely good and deserves it's praise as something that pretty much revolutionized and created an entire demographic of literature.

50.) Set in an abbey, cloister, Monastery, convent, or vicarage: Murder at the vicarage by agatha christie

3/5. I just cannot. physically keep up with all of these characters or find the energy to read between the lines.

ok that's all i got, what did y'all read and like this year?  (oh god it’s gonna be 2020)

[destiel-love-forever]

Hi! you’re absolutely incredible I saw your recent work in the age play verse and I loved it! it made me think of a possible little Sam and Daddy Gabriel scenario revolving around his hair lol. Little Sam and little dean are playing and dean makes fun of his hair and when Sam and Gabe get home he cries and asks Gabe to cut his hair so dean would love him again. Daddy Gabe and Uncle Cas talk on the phone dean gets punished, sam’s hair is safe and the boys hug it out and dean apologizes.

Thank you SO SO SO much for this. I had a crazy week last week, and it was made worse by being cut off my internet, so I loved having this prompt as one of my things to write <3 

Read below or on AO3: Playdates & Arguments

Playdate & Arguments

“Pow pow!” Sammy yells, pretending to be the bad guy while superhero Dean takes him down. He always gets stuck being the bad guy, because Dean thinks Sammy would ruin his pretty red cape. Sammy promises he won’t, but Dean’s older, so he gets to choose.

“Psh psshhhh!” Dean makes little noises as he moves his hands, pretending to use his superhero laser powers. “You dead bad guy!”

Sammy falls to the ground, because when Dean says he’s dead, Sammy doesn’t ever argue. Sammy never argues with Dean. Dean always knows best. Well, no… Sammy’s daddy Gabriel knows best, but when on their own, Dean is the boss. He’s older, getting to wear pull-ups, drink from sippy cups instead of bottles, and watch Scooby Doo even though Sam isn’t allowed to.

“I bored,” Dean declares. “We play new game.”

“Yes! Yes!” Sammy jumps in the air, clapping his little hands in excitement. “We pway bwocks? Dee, pwease, oh, Dee pweeeeeeeasse we pway bwocks?”

“Blocks is borin’. We play new game. Daddy lemme watch princess movie. We play rescue da princess.”

“But - but,” Sammy sucks in a shaky breath, lips wobbling. He doesn’t want to play rescue the princess. That doesn’t sound fun at all.

“Come on, Sammy. No be a baby! I no play wiff babies!”

Sammy pulls himself together immediately, sniffling as he wipes at his tears. “Sowwy, Dee. I be big boy. We cans pway save da pwincess.”

“You go over dere! Preten’ yous in a biiiiiig tower, ‘n a dragon is gonna eats you!” Dean pushes Sammy toward the couch, then sets down Sammy’s stuffed pink elephant named Ellie on the floor, indicating that she’s the dragon in this scenario. Sammy doesn’t like that Ellie has to be the mean dragon. Ellie is not bad! She’s good. She makes Sammy happy. Sammy isn’t sure he can pretend, but he will try really really hard. “Oskay, Sammy. You stay dere, ‘n I be da prince comin’ save you!”

Sammy sticks out his bottom lip. “I no wanna be da pwincess… I a pwince!”

“No, you da princess.”

“I a pwince. My daddy say so. He caww me his wittwe pwince!”

“Your daddy wrong! You a princess cuz you looks like a girl!”

Sammy’s eyes well up with tears as he balls up his fists in frustration. “No I don’!”

“Yes you do! Your hair is like da princess in da movie. It too long for a boy. So you da princess. Princess Sammy.” Dean says that last part in a sing-songy voice that is clearly teasing Sammy.

“I no wike dat! Stop stop stop! I no wook wike a pwincess! I wook wike a pwince!” Sam feels his little chest quake as he begins to openly cry.

Dean rolls his eyes. “Stop bein’ a baby! It your fault you look like girls. If you no have stupid ugly hair, you could be da prince, but you a princess.”

“I not!” Sam yells, stomping his feet as he cries harder.

“You is! Or I no play wid you ever ever again!”

“Boys!” Castiel yells from the other room, making them both freeze. “I don’t know what’s wrong, but say sorry and come eat!”

Dean hurries away from the crybaby, not apologizing. Sammy stays back a minute, frantically wiping at his cheeks and nose, hating himself. He already looks like a girl because of his hair. Dean will just make fun of him more if he’s crying like a girl baby .

At least Sammy’s daddy shows up before he’s finished his snack, saving Sammy from actually having to be the princess. Next time they play, Sammy will be the prince. He just has to figure out how.

-----

Sammy thinks long and hard during his ride home, sucking fiercely on his pacifier and clinging to Ellie as he sits strapped down in his carseat. One of the three things in the whole entire big world Sammy could never ever lose is Dean, and Dean hates him now! He thinks Sammy’s hair is ugly, and makes him look like a princess. He knew being a princess was a bad thing, too, because of the way Dean said it. Sammy has played princess dress up before, with Dean in fact, but today was different. Sammy doesn’t know why. It doesn’t matter.

Sammy knows what he has to do.

The second his daddy has him in the house, setting him on the bench in the foyer to take his shoes off for him, Sammy asks, “Daddy…. Wiww you cuts my haiw?”

Working on the velcro strips of Sammy’s shoe, Gabriel shakes his head and laughs softly, “Buddy, you would be so sad. You love your hair.”

“But - but,” Sammy sucks in a breath that shudders and shakes before giving into a watery sob. “I hates my haiw!”

Gabriel stops immediately, only one shoe off of his boy. He cups Sammy’s face, confused when he finds big tears rolling down it. “Baby boy, calm down. What’s going on?”

“I no baby boy!” Sammy cries, balling his fists and kicking his feet. “I big boy! I hates my haiw! You gotta cuts it now! Wanna wook exac - ac- exac- tiwwy wike Dean!”

“Sammy, buddy, you love your hair. Why would you want to suddenly get rid of it?”

“No wuv! No no no! Hates!”

Gabriel scoops his little boy up, not caring that one foot is covered in a sock and the other has a shoe dangling on it still. When they get to Sammy’s nursery, Gabriel heads to the rocking chair. There’s a blanket there that he pulls over Sammy, his arms tightening around the boy to make him lay down and relax. Since Sammy spat out his paci earlier during his meltdown, Gabriel reaches over for another one and pops it in his mouth. Sammy looks up at him with the biggest, roundest eyes in that way that makes Gabriel feel like he’s Sammy’s whole world.

It’s by far the greatest feeling in existence.

And Gabriel would know. He’s spent his entire life indulging in great feelings.

“Alright now, little prince. Just calm d-”

“No!” Sammy grabs his paci and yanks it out. “I no wittwe pwince! I stupid pwincess! ‘N my haiw ugwy! ‘N - ‘n - ‘n,” Sammy sucks in a gulp of air, then continues to sob barely intelligible words, “Dee Dee gonna hatesmewiffugwy haiw. Needs to cuts it owbepwincessinstpwince! Pwease, daddy. Pwease!”

Gabriel looks at his little one in shock, understanding enough to know what’s going on now. “Sammy, honey, did Dean tease you about your hair today?”

Rubbing a tight fist against his eye, Sammy nods and sniffles.

“Oh, baby. That was very mean, and he is naughty for doing that. Especially since my little prince’s hair is so so beautiful. Daddy loves to play with your long, pretty, soft strands. Don’t you like when daddy does that, baby? You always smile and get sleepy when daddy does that.”

More sniffles. Then a timid, “Yeah… Sammy wike haiw pwayed wiff. Feew good.”

“See? And sometimes you like to put bows in your hair to match your pretty outfits. If we cut it, you can’t do that either.”

“No… dat twue.”

“Don’t let Dean teasing you make you do something that will just make you more sad, baby boy.”

Sammy starts crying again, though this time it’s subdued. “But - but I jus’ wants Dee to wuv me again! Cuz I wuv him wots wots wots, ‘n me supew sad he no wike me no mowe.”

“What were you two doing when he said this to you?”

“Pwayin’ save da pwincess. I da pwincess cuz my ugwy haiw. I say no, but he say he no pway wiff me!”

Gabriel nods, starting to understand the situation fully. “Dean just said those things because he wanted to get his way. He wanted to play the prince, so he lied.”

“No, Dee no wie! Wyin’ bad!”

“Everyone makes mistakes and does bad things, little prince. Even Dean. Even daddy.” Sam gasps, making Gabriel chuckle. “I bet Dean doesn’t hate you or your hair at all. I bet he was just being stubborn and wanted to get his way.”

Sammy cautiously grabs his paci again, his fingers wrapping around it nice and tight. He lays on his daddy’s chest, resting his cheek on daddy’s shoulder. He nuzzles his nose into the soft skin of his daddy’s neck and wiggles closer to him. Sighing happily at the familiar scent, Sammy lets himself relax. Dean might be bigger than him, but daddy always know best, even more than Dean. Daddy must be right. Dean is pretty stubborn. He’s heard Uncle Cas say that lots, and it’s usually while Dean is getting in trouble.”

“Oskay daddy,” Sammy whispers, coming to a decision. “We no cuts my haiw.”

“Good. Daddy is proud of you for staying true to what you want, and not letting Dean change your mind.”

That was a lot of words, and the concept is too big for Sammy’s little brain. All he heard is his daddy is proud, and Sammy knows that daddy being proud is really really good. He smacks a loud kiss on his daddy’s cheek before cuddling in closer to him.

“I takes nap now. T’s been quite da day,” Sammy informs him before sticking the paci in his mouth and closing his eyes.

Gabriel has to fight not to laugh at how fucking adorable his little baby is in his arms. Especially when he says things exactly like Gabriel does. Gabriel is always saying ‘it’s been quite the day’, usually to convince him to eat, or nap, or take a bath, or relax.

Once Sammy is asleep, Gabriel gently places him in his crib and kisses his forehead. Then he dials his brother. Castiel answers on the third ring.

“Hey, Gabe. You forget something here?”

“No. It’s about Dean.” Gabriel frowns. He loves his nephew, and hates the idea of getting him in trouble, but Sammy will always come first, and Dean broke Sammy’s little heart today. That’s not okay. “We need to talk.”

----

Dean stands in front of his daddy, hands anxiously pulling at the shirt covering his belly. His little lips are wobbling, and his cheeks are flushed and covered in tears. Castiel looks down at him with a stern frown, trying hard not to let his emotions get in the way right now. His little one needs to be punished, no matter how sad or how cute he looks.

“So, is what Sammy saying true? Did you say all those mean things?”

“I - I,” Dean stops, trying to breathe to calm himself down like his daddy taught him. It just adds fuel to his sob though, making it loud and watery as it escapes his little pink lips. “I sowwy! I sowwy!”

Castiel frowns. “Yes, well, you will be.”

When Castiel picks his boy up and puts him on his hip, heading to his bedroom, Dean starts to wail. He kicks and punches, begging Castiel in hysterics. When they are sitting on Castiel’s bed, bedroom door locked so Dean can’t run, Castiel puts Dean on his feet. “Now, you are going to get five spanks for how mean you were to Sammy. Five more for the tantrum you just threw, because you know kicking and hitting is very naughty.”

Dean doesn’t try to argue. Castiel’s not sure if he could. The boy is crying far too hard.

“Now, come here baby boy.” Dean looks up at Castiel through tear soaked eyelashes, carefully shuffling forward. When Castiel picks him up and lays him over his lap, belly down and little bum up, Dean’s self-preservation kicks in.

“P-pwease! Pw-pwe-pease pease pease daddy! No! NO spanks!”

“Hush, or you’ll get even more,” Castiel warns, using his daddy voice as he tugs Dean’s elastic waist jeans and mickey mouse pull up down to his knees. His pull up is wet, as it usually is when his little one gets upset like this, but Castiel will just clean it up later.

Dean is quiet now, his tiny body trembling as he sucks on his thumb.

That doesn’t last long. After Castiel brings his hand down with the first harsh smack, the sobbing begins.

Dean hates spankings. Hates hates hates them. He likes his daddy giving him kisses and smiling at him. He likes cuddles and hugs. Not spankings. Not daddy’s angry face. Dean hates making his daddy upset. He hates disappointing him.

He hates how his little bum burns and aches as his daddy keeps spanking him.

He hates that he hurt Sammy’s feelings so badly.

He hates spankings, but he hates the rest so much more, and that’s why he cries so hard he can barely breathe.

“Shhh, little one. Just two more,” Castiel whispers, rubbing a palm over the boy’s bright pink bum. He can see his handprint on Dean’s left cheek, and he hates that, but even as a little boy Dean Winhcester has an obnoxiously high pain tolerance. Castiel learned early he can’t just give the boy a few tiny swats. They aren’t effective. Dean cries, sure, but then within an hour he forgets.

Dean never forgets now.

The boy squirms and sobs for the last two, little fists clenched around the bunched up fabric of Castiel’s pants.

Relief floods Dean when it’s all over. His daddy picks him up and lays him on the big bed. He slips a thumb into his mouth, sucking furiously. Every movement makes his little bum’s owies hurt worse, so he stays extra extra still. He doesn’t even complain when his daddy starts to change him like he’s a baby. He just winces around his thumb, sucking it harder when the baby wipe brushes over his sore bum. Dean usually gets so embarrassed during this. He’s a big boy now. Daddy potty trained him. Accidents are so scary, and they make him super duper anxious and sad. But right now he has too much to be upset about. The accident is the least of his worries.

Once powdered, a new pull-up in place, Castiel hands Dean a paci and his huge stuffed bumble bee. He leaves the boy on the bed while he goes to change his pants that got some pee on them. Castiel throws both his pants as well as Dean’s into the wash, then returns to his bedroom.

Dean sniffles and makes grabby hands at his daddy, clearly not liking that his daddy left. Castiel scoops him up and carries him out of the room. As he walks down the hall, Castiel peppers dozens of kisses on his damp cheeks. His little one doesn’t giggle or smile, but he does finally stop crying.

“Daddy is going to make you a little snack, and get you some juice. When I’m in the kitchen, you will stand in the corner. When daddy comes back, you’re all done being punished.”

“But - but I gots my spanks!” Dean whines.

“Yes, but you were very upset and distracted during that. Now I want you to think about why you got in trouble, and what you’re going to say to Sammy to make him feel better.”

Dean looks down at the floor, bowed legs turning in even further as he touches his toes to each other. He fiddles with his stuffed bumble bee, sucking his paci hard and fast. His daddy picks him up and carries him to a corner of the living room where Dean can take peeks and see his daddy in the kitchen. That helps Dean relax a little. He has a very hard time trusting that his daddy won't leave him. Especially when he’s been naughty.

Going to the kitchen, Castiel collects Dean’s favorite pink sippy cup and pours apple juice into it. He rummages in the cabinets before giving up and heading to the fridge. He always wants Dean to eat something healthy and little after punishments. Just enough to help settle him. Once Castiel grabs a strawberry go-gurt, he heads back to the living room.

His little one behaves well. Even though Castiel knows Dean is aware his daddy is back in the room, Dean continues to stand in the corner, Dean’s pull-up covered bum facing him. Dean still has his paci in, cheeks bright red and covered in tears, nose all stuffy. He has his bumble bee tight in his arms, up against his chest high so his face is against Dean’s neck.

“Alright, baby. All done,” Castiel announces, walking over and picking the boy up. He carries him to the couch, then settles with him in his lap. Dean takes the juice when it’s offered, shaky hand removing his paci so he can drink. He chugs half of it before putting it in his lap and making little grabby hands for the go-gurt.

Once Dean’s little belly is all full, and his crying has stopped, his daddy cleans his face. Daddy pops his paci back in and helps him get comfortable with his bumble bee. This time when daddy kisses him, Dean squirms and smiles. Then he buries his face in his daddy’s neck and nuzzles him, not caring when his paci keeps bumping and getting in the way. When he settles in his daddy’s arms, feeling very sleepy but very loved, his daddy brushes his hair from his forehead and whispers, “I love you so much, Dean. So so much. No matter how much trouble you get in, always remember that daddy is here. Daddy will never ever leave you. He loves you big lots, okay?”

Dean nods and mumbles through his paci, “Me wuv daddy big wots too.”

With a smile, Castiel kisses the top of Dean’s head. That’s all the little one needs before drifting off to sleep. Castiel puts his head back against the couch and closes his own eyes, exhausted. It’s been quite the day.

-----

Dean and Sammy’s playdate is four days later. When Dean comes over with his daddy, he sheepishly peeks up at Sammy and mumbles, “‘M sorry for hurtin’ you feelin’s ‘n sayin’ all dose mean tings. I no mean dem. I wuv your hair!”

Already over this argument, Sammy just smiles wide and throws his arms around Dean, squeezing him extra hard. “It’s ‘kay. I still wuvs you!”

Hand in hand, the two go running off to the playroom. Dean lets Sam be the superhero AND the prince. They’re going to be best friends forever.

[lightbluesunflowersandvodka]

Dear Zachary,

When I seen this picture it reminded me of you and the rollarcoaster of emotions my teenage hormonal self went through. There are so many different ways I wanted to start this letter out but I can't word it the way I pictured it in my head.

I am irrevocably in love with you Zachary John and this is why after 10 years, I am still here.

I remember days like this when I was a young, clingy, annoying, un-experienced, emotional, immature, pain the ass and crazy in love with you teenager when I swore that first break up was the absolute death of me. Now I am a clingy, annoying, experienced, emotional, immature, pain the ass and crazy in love with you adult who is fighting to spend the rest of my life with you.

I'm writing this epistle is for you because (my corny ass is in love with you and how amazingly perfect you are and you are everything I could ever need, you always have been.) I want you to know how grateful I am for you and I don't know how else to tell you. I am terrible when it comes to any basic human function and the only thing I know how to do is write poorly worded poems and letters. Here's to you, Zachary, and why I love you. I would like to apologize in advance that I made this unnecessarily long, poorly worded, and I'm sure you will find most of this funny.

⦁ Let's go back to the beginning You, my dear, have certainly made the most incredible impression on my life. You knew exactly what you were doing when you made me fall in love with your ridiculously adorable laugh and the most entrancing ocean blue eyes. You are the most eccentric and anomalous person I have ever met and I'm the most blessed girl to ever exist. The first 3-4 years I knew you was definitely a learning experience. I felt everything so intense when it comes to you. You have broken my heart in ways that I can never explain but sometimes it would turn out to be for the better.  I thought you were so perfect that I hated who I was because I didn’t feel like I was good enough for you. You were too incredible to have someone ordinary like me. I tried so hard to be who I thought you would like. You were so different. I didn't know how to handle it so I literally over thought everything I did and ended up making things a lot worse than needed. I messed up a lot and I’m sorry. I was young, innocent, immature and full of what we could be. I was desperately in love with what I saw in you. I would torture myself when I lost you. No matter how much it hurt and how badly I wanted to pretend that I never knew what you felt like, I couldn't stop thinking about you. You made me grow a lot, I don’t think you know how much of an impact you have made on me. I’m not sure if I am explaining this the way I am trying to. It seems weird talking about all those years when now we are here. After a couple years, I think it got easier and that's how I learned to let things go and tell myself that you are just you and to not take everything so personally. No matter how difficult or confusing or heartbreaking it was to be in love with a man who I thought would never love me, it was all worth the risk if I could have you.

And I was right. You are worth it all.

⦁ How I learned to love you, literally. "That's just Zachary." What I had to tell myself allllll the time. This is how I learned to love you, excuse you and accept you for who you are as a person. I wouldn’t change a thing about you even if I was given the option. Besides, I literally have no choice but to take opportunities when you give them to me soooooo I'm doing good about just letting it happen instead of complaining.. You have to admit, I'm getting better. ;)

⦁ I want you for all of eternity You have no idea how much of an impact you made on my happiness... You took everything bad away and you still do after 10 years... Every single day for the longest time I thanked God for you and I was hopelessly in love (I mean I still am)... We had a lot of ups and downs and weird/awkward times but no matter what happened I still wanted you... I knew with no doubt in my mind or my heart that you were the one that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, grow, change, learn and share with.. I don't think either of us have a good example of what a "normal" or "good" or "healthy" relationship is and I think we are who we are because of the things we have been through and that's how we know what we want. I do know that I still believe that there could be a happy ending.. I am not my parents or their mistakes. It is possible to be happy with someone for the rest of your life... but you have to fight for it... You give me hope in a way that doesn't make sense because we are the complete opposite of "normal" but I honestly would not have it any other way... Even if you don't believe me because I complain and bitch about not seeing you, etc (I have gotten better with my bitching because I realized you don't give a fuck and if we are going to do this then it's going to be your way... Plus when I do bitch I think it takes you longer to see me and i think you do that on purpose to punish me because you're an asshole like that but I have no proof to back up my theory) and there's the "normal" part for you... I don't know if I believe in soulmates but I have never felt the feelings that you give me and after 10 years it's still there. I swear to God I didn't realize it was possible to still get nervous or butterflies (or whatever you wanna call it, maybe it's just anxiety) but being around you makes me weak and I feel completely vulnerable in a good way (if that makes any sense to you).. There's something unique about you. I can't tell you what it is but you are magical. (I literally can't think of a better word, I'm sorry I know this letter is terrible but I'm trying to tell you something so bear with me...)

⦁ Change is good (it turns out) For 10 years you are the only person who has made me look at myself and WANT to fix the things I don't like so I can learn to love me and be happy with who I am.... ( I see you and as weird as that sounds, you give me inspiration and motivation to change a lot of my self issues?? Instead of complaining that nothing ever changes???) I look at you and your little personality traits that I admire and you make me want to change... You give me motivation to become a better person... It gives me hope that maybe if I fix this or change something that it will help make everything work out.. If there is an "US" in the future it gives me hope that if you see that I got me and I have goals that maybe I'll be good enough for you??? It's like trying to impress you I think. You make me want to be the best person I can be and you don't even know it... I fuck my life up sometimes. I learn lessons the hard way so once again I'm doing this on my own and this time I plan on not fucking it up. I'm so exhausted I just want to put myself first for once.

⦁ Love, maybe The only thing that I know about love is that it's supposed to help us grow for the better in a lot of ways (or at least that's what I got out of it) but maybe that's just me... I feel like love is accepting, enduring, being patient, understanding, forgiving, selfless, respectful, thoughtful, learning, changing, and putting things into action.. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails...

⦁ What I've learned The past 10 years I have watched our relationship grow tremendously. I think we have to just learn each other and if we don't like something, accept it and the fact that we can't change anyone, and learn to love it about them even if we don't like it... And if we want to change whatever it is to make the other person happy then that's okay too, ya know? Basically don't expect anything but also accept anything. I feel like you do a lot for me that you don't normally do. (Wow I sound ridiculous, I'm trying entirely too hard)

(That Everybody loves Raymond episode came into mind, I don’t know if you remember what I'm talking about.. Where after so many years they should know each other.. They had an argument over something)

I'm trying to learn you because I love you and I will do whatever it takes to keep you... And I want you to be happy...

⦁ Soooooooooo (the boring and awful part) I am very very stubborn and most of the time I don't like change.. I'm set in my ways because I have lived on my own for so long I have my own routine and I don't like people mixing it up or messing with it. In some ways I understand why you are the way you are and it's okay. I actually love it about you; In some ways I just want to know what made you who you are... Some days I'm emotional and I want you (comfort??) so sometimes I don't understand why I can't do this or that (and it's okay because women are emotional!!) but I know the world doesn't revolve around me (even though it should in your eyes 💁) and you are your own person... I respect that. I think I crave comfort when I'm emotionally or mentally a wreck and when I'm with you everything disappears and I feel so safe and content.. I don't even have to talk about anything, being around you makes everything okay. You make me feel like no matter how big or small my problems are, they're irrelevant and everything is going to be okay. (Like I'm being over-dramatic) I think that's what I crave... I think it's like I feel safe... (I feel like I'm not explaining this the right way)

⦁ In conclusion

I want to be someone you need in your life, like you are for me. I hope you always choose me because I will always choose you.

[gimmesumsuga]

You mess me up with STS every time. I remember I found STS when looking for smut. So I guess you could say; Came for the Smut stayed for the amazing writing by an amazing writer 💜💜💜😆 Honestly can’t wait for the next chapter!

Aww that’s so lovely!  I’ve got to be honest, I occasionally get a little bit of a complex about STS in that I worry that literally the only reason it’s done well is because it’s trash lol That people aren’t actually bothered about the plot, and that the writing isn’t that good, and it’s just the sex and that’s it.  

They’re only fleeting thoughts, but they do pop up pretty frequently.  I mean I’m sure that’s what it is for some people, and that’s ok,  I just hope it isn’t for everyone! Idk lol :/

***

Anon: As for you answer on that one ask about which sex scenes people like most; My top 3 is Junkook, Namjoon and Taehyung, in that order 👀

You know I think because I was so worried about that Namjoon sex scene and writing it well, I didn’t enjoy doing it quite as much as some of the others, which is a shame!  Hopefully if I go back and read it again I’ll enjoy it more ^^

***

@pidgejimin - Another chapter to make my heart cry, tbh when tae showed up and everyone else showed up I was crying in relief. Please keep working hard! Everything is worth it! Almost 70 chapters and I never want it to end, each one just makes the story come alive. Please eat well and sleep! Luv ya ♡

Aww thank you sweetie!  I’ll keep at it!  

***

@softmochijm - hi love ♡ im just writing to give you a big THANK YOU for all of your works, especially STS. you're truly my fave author/writer & it brings me insane amounts of joy every time i see an update on ao3. honestly, STS has changed me as a person, as weird as it may sound, it actually gave me more confidence! & it's through your writing style that i just get so sucked in & so intrigued with every word.. it's a beautiful feeling. so once more, thank you! & take all the time you need for your updates :)

Oh gosh, you’re too kind ^^ honestly, messages like this make my day.  The thought that I could have such an impact on someone’s life is amazing!

***

@mslonelynation - It pisses me off seeing people telling writers when to post things. It’s not like you can just magically pop out a chapter. It’s a process and it takes time. You have a life outside of writing and you deserve to take your time to produce quality material. I hope you are doing well! I’m sorry you have to deal with incompetent people haha 💜

Ah, it's all part and parcel of writing fanfic, I guess!  But thank you for being so kind and understanding sweetie :)

***

Anon: I'm currently on chapter 60 of STS and OH MY GOD. I think I'm actually obsessed 😭 Your writing is actually bloody amazing (no pun intended 👀) But seriously, I can't get enough. But I also can't stress enough to not overwork yourself with it and take all the time you need, despite some anons demanding you do more and do it quicker. Great work is made with time 💜💜💜

Haha oh I enjoyed the pun whether it was intentional or not! Happy to know you like it so much, anonnie, and thank you

***

Anon: Thank you for updating! It’s always worth the wait! Your writing is amazing I check ao3 constantly, I’m addicted! ❤️❤️

Thanks sweetie! 

***

Anon: I’m so confused by that anons message because you do update fast? You update faster than most other doc writers i follow lol. Anyways you’re work is incredible and i really admire your dedication to this blog, keep on doing you!

Eh, I could be faster, but I do the best I can!  Thank you lovely, I will ^^ 

***

Anon: I just read the most recent chapter of STS and wow that was intense!! I liked how you kind of avoided giving into our expectations of Jimin and Yoongi running in and saving the day. It was a nice twist. I'm curious though about the occurrence between Namjoon and OC. Does she realize she was sexually assaulted through deception? Do you think that will even be a thing in the story or just viewed as just her cheating on the other boys?? Thanks for writing the story, I can't wait for more

Hey hunny!  Intense is definitely one word for it!  I do my best to keep things as unpredictable as I possibly can - although that’s hard as I tend to be quite a predctable person by nature! lol 

I’ll be honest, until someone else mentioned this about a week ago I had never even heard of ‘rape by deception’, although now it’s been pointed out it does seem to fit the scenario awfully well.  Because I hadn’t thought about it before, I hadn’t really planned on having the reader see it as such and feel about it that way?  I think I might try and touch on it, at least, although I’m not entirely sure how as of yet.  Primarily, the majority of discussion is going to be revolving around the impact it had on her relationship with Jimin and Yoongi.

***

@jazrvr - When he told y/n that he loved her and meant it. It hit me in the feels, I wanted to hate him soo much for what he did. Then again I have a soft spot for joonie. Incredible chapter though ❤️

Thanks sweet, it made me feel very conflicted too to be honest! 

***

@steponme-bts - Hey girl I just finished reading chapter 67 of STS AND I HAVE YO SAY I LOVE IT 💜 But the whole thing got me thinking 🤔 This is a weird question but how old is Jungkook (look wise because of course he's old af cause vampire) But what era did he stop growing ? Because even though STS is inspired by blood sweat and tears they had to be transformed before it right ? Anyways love you 💜 you nice keep going 😉 

Lol you smooth talker you, Jimin would be proud.  Jungkook was turned when he was 19 years old, so he appears now as he would’ve looked in the bs&t era (the boys aren’t really ‘BTS’ in this, so that era is just used an an example to help you imagine their appearances better)

***

@pinkblue72 - Another great chapter! Thank you! I was honestly so scared for the outcome there at first

I keep telling you guys it’ll all be ok in the end :P lol but I’m glad you liked it ^^

[handguns-4-hearts]

Coming to Terms with Marilyn Manson as an Abuser

TW- Rape, Domestic Violence, Abuse, Intimate Partner Violence 

“If you can’t hear the whole truth, you will never know true empathy, and I believe that if we have to live through it, you have to hear it.”  - ERW

Today, I saw this video of Evan Rachel Wood offering testimony to support a bill called the “Survivor’s Bill of Rights.”

Listening to her testimony caused tears to stream down my face, and my entire body to shake like an autumn leaf. Her story struck me so deeply because it reminded me of my own abusive relationship. For a moment, I was transported back into that state of indescribable fear, desperation, and helplessness that created the fabric of my reality from the years 2012-2014.

“I had no idea what to do to change my situation so I went numb. And soon I couldn’t feel anything, I wasn’t alive. My self esteem and spirit were broken. I was deeply terrified and that fear lives with me to this day. What makes me more hurt and more angry than the actual rape and abuse itself, was that piece of me that was stolen that altered the course of my life.” - ERW

It is impossible to explain to someone who hasn’t been abused what it’s like, but ERW does quite a good job. These words echoed through me, it felt like they were reverberating off my bones. When I think back on my abusive relationship, it’s hard not to believe that it ruined my life. It’s hard not to believe that it ruined me. The person I was before that, and the person I am now, are incredibly different. I have still not fully rebuilt my self esteem and spirit. I still constantly question what I think and feel because my abuser manipulated and gaslighted me to a breaking point in which I lost the ability to believe myself, and believe IN myself. Although I have made significant recovery, I know that I will never be the same.

Hearing this testimony was difficult because of my experience, but what makes it even more difficult is my certainty that she was abused by Marilyn Manson. Marilyn Manson. My everything. My greatest teacher. The person who made me who I am today more than anyone else in my life.

You see, my experience in an abusive relationship was narrated by MM. I fell in love with my abuser at a MM show. Our connection was based around our mutual love and understanding of MM. The albums Eat Me, Drink Me and THe High End of Low played on repeat throughout our time together. It wasn’t until after I began to understand my relationship as the abuse that it was, that I began to notice the abusive aspects of Marilyn Manson within these albums and some of the interviews and videos surrounding them. I began to notice a bubbling of discomfort with my love of Marilyn Manson. I saw so much of him in my abuser, and so much of my abuser in him, that sometimes I would look at the posters of him on my walls and feel a confusing mix of adoration, love, and fear. The same things I felt for my abuser. I wasn’t able to listen to the those two albums for about 2 years after I ended my abusive relationship. I recultivated my love of Marilyn Manson, appreciating him for everything that he has done for me, telling myself that MM is the one thing that no one can take from me, and promising that nothing he could ever do would change the positive things he has already done for me.

As time passed, I began to speak out about my views regarding Marilyn Manson’s abusive characteristics. But much like the ways in which victims and survivors of violence are often treated, I was met with disbelief, anger, and attempts to discredit me. “You’re not a real fan,” “there’s no evidence,” “he was never found guilty of anything.” None of these people knew that Marilyn Manson is my everything, regardless of these thoughts I had of him. I learned FROM HIM that I should always be critical. That no one is perfect. That I am my own God, so I refuse to put anyone up on a pedestal be worshipped as hero while knowing that they are also human. I was only doing what he had taught me to do. I repeatedly stated that if these fans knew anything about abusive dynamics, if they had a deep understanding of his music, if they PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT HE HAS SAID, they too would see these abusive characteristics. I’ve never quite broken down all of the pieces that led me to believe that MM was an abuser. But ERW’s story was the last link in what I felt I needed to know that what I believe about MM is true. Here it is.

“My experience with domestic violence was this: toxic mental, physical and sexual abuse that started out slow, but escalated over time including threats against my life, severe gas lighting and brainwashing, waking up to the man who who claimed to love me raping what he believed to be my unconscious body. And the worst part, sick rituals of binding me up by my hands and feet to be mentally and physically tortured until my abuser felt I had proven my love for them. In this moment when I was tied up, being beaten, and being told unspeakable things, I truly felt like I could die, not just because my abuser said to me “I could kill you right now,” but because in that moment, I felt like I left my body and I was too afraid to run, he would find me.” -ERW

What most sticks out to me here is the threats against her life, the necessity of him needing her to prove her love for him, saying the words, “I could kill you right now.”

Devour, the opening track on EMDM defines MM’s view of love and death and sacrifice that she shared with ERW.

“Manson touched on the song’s inspiration and subject matter briefly in a June 2009 interview with Revolver: “It’s kind of a murder-suicide story based on the reality of my life that day. The record maybe saved me, and the person I would have killed also. If somebody says they want to be with you until they die, I take that kind of seriously. It became a song…luckily.”

The song was written 3 days before what was planned to be a dark Romeo and Juliet murder suicide. He had planned to kill himself and his lover. In a 2009 interview with Shockhound,he revealed the “would be” tragedy, explaining the situation with mild detail, quoting that he had said “I’m going to kill you first, because I don’t trust you.’

I believe that this dynamic of “until death do us part” began with this this experience between Marilyn Manson and ERW:

‘Manson says he was finally uplifted by a close friend’s morbid gesture of devotion. "She picked up a butcher’s knife and said, ‘Here, you can stab me,’” he says. “When someone was willing to drown with me, I really didn’t want to drown anymore.’”

To represent this event, in the video for Heart-Shaped Glasses off the EMDM album, after it shows a short sex scene between him and ERW, the video pans to a scene in which ERW and MM are in a car where Marilyn Manson is taking photos of ERW posing with a butcher knife. The EMDM album is widely recognized as an album similar to a diary, with the songs appearing on the album in the order they were written. The beginning of the album marks the ending of MM’s marriage with Dita Von Teese, and right after “Just a car crash away,” “Heart-Shaped Glasses” begins which introduces MM’s passionate, inflammatory relationship with ERW.

What I speculate happened here is that within the cycle of abuse, ERW finally decided to try to leave, and in response MM threatened her with murder and his own suicide because of what he perceived as loyalty and devotion within a promise to die if he died. Marilyn Manson was in such a dark place within his own mental health, that he wanted to die without her. She saved him from his suicidal ideations and deep depression with her gesture to go down with him, and now that she was leaving, he wanted to hold her to her promise.

He comments more on this dynamic in the song “15”:

“this time I won’t hesitate    to kill to protect what I believe in    this time I won’t hesitate    to kill to protect what I believe in        i can get by now    I’m not really dead    but I really needed someone to save me    leaving me alone to die    is worse than having the guts to kill me”

At this point, ERW is gone, and throughout THe High End of Low, Marilyn Manson’s bitterness over ERW is apparent. These lyrics within 15 represent another veiled threat on her life, as well an attempt to cause her to feel guilt over "abandoning" him in his pain. This bitterness, and expression of abusive characteristics, is also seen in the song “WOW” and in the video for “Running to the Edge of the World.”

“i was happy for 'awhile’ and i stopped being scared and ashamed to say what’s on my mind.    but you thought that I’d change after 'awhile’ and said,    "you better treat me different, or else!”    "or else" seems like a stupid,    fucking thing to say to someone like me    someone like me?

i am worse    than what you think you’d catch from me    'complicated’ is understated.    did you stop and take a look at who you fell in love with?    at who you fell in love with?”

-”WOW” by MM

WOW was probably the most difficult song on the album for to hear because it so perfectly illustrates MM’s complete lack of accountability for the ways in which he treated ERW. It smacks of victim blaming - ERW “should have known better” - how could she ever expect MM to change his behavior? She knew who she was falling in love with, and chose to fall in love with him.Because an 18 year old girl has it all figured out, right? And the 47 year old man she is dating is the one being taken advantage of. The video for WOW is a loop of ERW dropping a strap on a dress she is wearing.

The story continues with the video for “Running to the Edge of the World.” The lyric “Together as one, against all others” is a throwback to the Heart-Shaped Glasses video where at the end, MM says “Together as one” and ERW responds with “Against all others.”

There is one specific verse in Running that I looked back on after exiting my abusive relationship that helped me find some clarity:

“And everyone    turned their backs    because they knew    when we held on tight    to each other,    that we were something    fatal    that fell into the wrong hands.”

These words represented to me how my abuser and I’s relationship was so intense, so tightly knit, and so clearly toxic, that everyone tried to turn their backs (or they tried to help me in very wrong ways). My abuser and I were in it too deep. I couldn’t get out, our love was passionate and all-encompassing, but it was so very, very fatal. I could actually listen to this song and mourn the ending of a relationship in which I had loved more passionately than I ever had, even though it had destroyed me.

But then there was the video.

“It opens with Manson, dressed in a white shirt singing the song to a camera while partially concealing himself with a curtain. As the bridge and outro of the song play, he beats a woman to death, speculated to represent Evan Rachel Wood, played by Kelly Polk.”

The Manson fandom was quick to absolve Marilyn Manson of any wrongdoing. People denied that the woman in the video was ERW. People said that the video was fine because he didn’t actually hurt ERW in it. People said that it was probably a good thing that MM made this video instead of actually hurting ERW in real life. As if ERW deserved to be hurt for “breaking his heart” and “abandoning him” when actually she was just a young woman who had been scrambling in and out of the relationship for 4 years. You know, it takes approximately 7 times leaving for someone to stay left when they are trying to leave an abusive relationship.

So here we have the story, the evidence I have seen, that caused me to believe that Marilyn Manson is an abuser. ERW’s description of being afraid for her life is literally representative of what MM openly shared in his music, videos, and interviews about their relationship. It doesn’t get much more clear than that for me. I very well may be wrong about some of this. All of this. But it really doesn’t feel like it. 

The question is, what do I do with this? I am a Mansonite. A Feminist. A survivor. How do I manage to live while being all of these things? How do I live with the fact that my greatest teacher committed acts of violence against a young woman similar to what were committed against me? The fear in ERW’s voice during the proceeding was palpable. It danced with my own fear that I still carry. It brought up a memory I have of my abusive partner joking around about tying me to the bed and lighting the house on fire. They said that it was a joke. But it didn’t feel like one. Marilyn Manson taught me about duality, about light and dark. At the age of 19, I realized that I was a walking antithesis. I still feel this way, and it’s because I accept that there is no overcoming the light or the dark, that they must always exist together. If you try to extinguish one, you’re ultimately being disingenuous to yourself. Which is funny to me, since people believe that I’m being disingenuous because they don’t get how I can be a comfortable combination of things that are seemingly opposite of each other.

 In the song, “I Have to Look up Just to See Hell”, MM says “The light shines in the darkness/but the darkness will never understand it.” In this way, I feel like the pupil has outshone the teacher because I have come to know that the darkness and the light can understand each other, but only if you learn that you’re made of both, simultaneously and continuously. Your darkness and light will only understand each other if you accept that idea.

 As a result of this concept, I have realized that although my heart aches because of what I know my greatest teacher has done, I also know that Marilyn Manson grapples with his light and his dark. I am disgusted knowing that he could hurt someone the way my abuser hurt me. Perhaps his actions are unforgivable, and I’m not sure if I’ll ever look at him the same way again. But unlike the many fans who refuse to see him as something less than a hero or a God, I will see him as the person he is. A damaged, sad, lonely man who is a victim of his own traumas. A man who sometimes does terrible things and makes mistakes. What I won’t do is forgive him, what I will do is hold him accountable through expressing my ideas through the rest of his fan base. I can only hope that he will come to some sort of realization in which he accepts that what he did was abusive and wrong - my abusive partner did.

 But in the meantime, I will try to ignore the spiral heart on my abdomen that I wear as a reminder that “Love is the only thing strong enough to destroy me” (as MM said in an interview during the EMDM/THEOL era). Perhaps I’ll turn it into a flesh removal one day instead to represent the strength I have rebuilt over the years that will not allow me to ever be destroyed by “love” ever again. And I will continue to see my triptych tattoo and my Golden Age of Grotesque era M’s as representative of the times in my life in which I learned the most about myself, through the art of this man who has meant everything to me. I will coexist within my dark and light feelings surrounding Marilyn Manson because that is what I have done for the majority of my life. That is what he taught me. 

[madlyinlovephff]

Chapter Two

“Ignorance Is Bliss”

Life is good when you’re naive to the hardships happening all around.

“ED!” I couldn’t help but yell as I saw Ed Sheeran walk towards me with his usual lazy grin, a drink in hand and his head bobbing to the intense beat of the music that was blaring in the club.

“Addy” He breathed, hugging me close and I could tell that he’d been drinking for a while.

We pulled away and I saw Harry Styles and Louis Tomlinson behind him. I quickly greeted the two of them with wide smiles and kisses on cheeks before I led them towards my group of friends.

As soon as we entered one of the VIP sections, I could hear distinctive voices of my group, all them chatting obnoxiously loud. Emma Watson, Daniel Radcliffe, Ellie Goulding, Bonnie Wright, Andrew Garfield, Hailey Atwell, Lily Collins and Joss Stone.

“Hey, you guys! I’m back” I said, laughing as I hugged Andrew, Hailey and Ellie, who hadn’t been there before I went to get some drinks.

As everyone greeted Ed, Harry and Louis, I sat down in my place, taking a good sip of my gin and tonic. These were just a few of the people that were actually in town and could make time tonight to come out and spend the evening with me on Emma’s pleas. We had a huge group consisting of all these British entertainment industry people that had more or less, grown up together.

“Well, I don’t know if it’s true but what? You’ve been made an Officer of the British Empire? Adelaide!” Andrew said, shaking his head at me, like I’d gone mad.

I let out a flustered laughter, oh yes, the OBE Award in December last year. I nodded meekly at him and he still didn’t have a reply.

“Yeah, I’d read about it in the newspaper months back, it makes me feel like we really don’t do enough. And aren’t you already a Fellow of the Royal Society of Arts?” Lily said, looking astonished for a second before I gave her a stern look.

“Oh shut up, Lils. You know that’s not true, it’s just, last two years have been really big for me and the organization, and yes, to that last question” I said, smiling softly at her.

“Well, what, does that make you the youngest person to receive an OBE?” Dan asked, sipping his beer readily. I nodded at him hesitantly.

“I guess, I think, I haven’t heard of anyone younger”

I turned towards Andrew, who was sat beside me, “But wait, almost everyone was there when I threw that party after receiving it last year, weren’t you there?” I asked him.

It was a huge honour, getting an OBE Award. And when Victoria had called to tell me about it, I almost couldn’t believe it, I mean people like David Bowie and Rod Stewart had gotten that award, it’s crazy to think that I was considered in their league in terms of making music.

“What is it exactly? I’ve just heard massively about it” Harry Styles said, frowning as he drummed his fingers on the table.

Hailey coughed and motioned to everyone that she’d take care of that confusion. “Wait, let me google it and we shall know what our dear Addy has been honored with” she said and I rolled my eyes.

After a few seconds, everyone’s eyes were still on her, maybe they all were drunk already. “Oh, oh I’ve got it!” She said, a little slur in her tone.

Ofcourse.

“Why are people awarded honors? The system recognizes ordinary people and celebrities who have made achievements in public life or committed themselves to serving and helping Britain. They’ll usually have made life better for other people or be outstanding at what they do. If someone is being given a civilian gallantry award, it means have been making a difference to their community or field of work and enhancing Britain’s reputation”

“Oh, well, that does sound exactly like you, I actually thought it’d be related to the army or something” Ellie said, and we all gave her a look of ‘the fuck’.

She looked alarmed as she raised her arms in defense, “Alright, alright, I’m drunk, forgive me”

“Well, it’s great and my parents were delighted, specially my mum because she got an opportunity to one up aunt” I chuckled.

Emma rolled her eyes, smiling at me, “Yeah, let us not forget you’re also related to Victoria and David Beckham” she shook her head.

Oh, yes. Since my mother was the only kid, she was incredibly close to her only cousin, Victoria, ever since their childhood. They almost did everything together and shared almost all their interests; except maybe, music. They looked greatly alike as well, and people still often call them sisters, even though they’re just first cousins.

Aunt Victoria went on to pursue her dreams and became a part of the world famous Spice Girls. She toured the world, made albums, met incredible people and became a sensation; while my mom stayed back in London, got in Harvard and graduated with honors in Law degree, joined an incredible law firm and started her career as a lawyer. But I greatly admired their will and affection for one another, Aunt Victoria eventually met Uncle David, had Brooklyn, married the said uncle and came back to the UK to settle; while my mom had met dad long ago and had married and started a family of her own.

I had a few cousins on my paternal side as well, but I’ve always been very close to Brooklyn, Romeo, Cruz and Harper, even though they’re far apart in ages as compared to me and my siblings. The family all meets and spends Christmas and New Year’s together and is as tight knit as families come.

“We’re talking far too much about me, let’s switch the topic to someone else” I said, not replying Emma.

“I heard Adele might get it this year” Joss said, and everyone started talking about that.

As the conversation switched over to Ed and his new album ‘X’, I commented how I’m in love with each and every song on that album.

“Thanks, Ad, you know that text meant a lot to me” He said, eyes shining brightly and I smiled back.

Ed had made me listen to the entire album while I was still on tour and I’d sent him a long text, reviewing each and every song on the album because I knew that was what Ed wanted; a good long description of how good he was when it came to music.

“You have such a sweet soul, Ed” Ellie sighed ruefully, looking at him with hooded eyes and I grinned at Lily as the two of them made heart eyes at each other.

Oh young love, and its wonders.

Dan and Bonnie were talking some bullshit about his new movie, well, that was before Louis sent his glass of beer tumbling all over Bonnie and her very pretty black dress. I stifled a laugh and Lily and I giggled like school girls as Bonnie turned towards him, a look of pure horror on her face.

“Louis! There are paparazzi outside by now, I’m sure, how will she step out looking like that?” Hailey almost screeched and seemed more horrified than Bonnie.

All this while, Lily and I couldn’t stop laughing at the situation at hand because, it was always Bonnie who got something dropped on her dresses. Always. It had gotten so bad last year that once she’d shown up only in gym clothes to a club because she was so done with it.

After Bonnie and Hailey left to the loo and Louis begged Harry so as to get moving as well because he didn’t want to be here when the girls came back, the two of them left soon after bidding everyone a quick goodbye.

“Oh damn, we’ve been sitting here all night” Joss said, finishing her drink and pulling Andrew on the dance floor, which cleared a way for them as Ellie made Ed follow suit.

I laughed at the look on Ed’s face and motioned Dan and Emma to go because Dan was pretty much dancing on the seat itself. Lily sighed as we were the only ones left in the area, looking at her phone.

“What?” I frowned at her.

She first shook her head and then shrugged, “Well, you know how Bonnie and Jamie broke up? And well, I’ve been working with him for Mortal Instruments, and I mean, we kinda, maybe, we kissed” She spoke really fast, her accent almost blending in with her deep breaths.

I paused, raising my eyebrow at her, “And? Does Bonnie know?” I asked.

“Nope, no, she doesn’t, yet, atleast that’s what I think” she said and I kept silent, letting her rant about her feelings.

“Does that make me a massive bitch, Addy? I’ve known Bonnie for so long. I don’t know, I don’t know what to do” She said, turning towards me.

I took a deep breath, my mind reeling. Well, it certainly isn’t the first time I’ve been through this sort of drama. When you’re friends with Hollywood royalty and musicians as just as big, you tend to have these passive wars and dramas. Especially when you’re the elite member of the ultimate girl squad of Hollywood. Taylor, Selena, Cara, Karlie, Gigi, Lorde, Haim, and over the years so many more that I don’t even remember anymore. Drama revolved around us, and only a fraction of it leaked out, fortunately.

“You’re not a bitch, Lily, don’t say that. I’m sure Bonnie would understand” I tried calming her before Bonnie and Hailey returned and saw her current state.

“Oh, but you don’t understand Addy, they were engaged” She said, hysterically, and I realized that she’d been keeping it to herself for too long.

“You’ve got to tell Bonnie, before she hears it from somewhere else” I said, trying to move the conversation in the right direction so as to show Lily that feelings are one thing that can’t be controlled.

“Take deep breaths, Lils. It’s been a good year since they broke off their engagement, she’s fine, she’s Bonnie, you know her” I said, shaking my head and trying not to see Jamie Campbell Bower in my head, I’d had enough of shit from him.

She followed my advice, locking her phone and I realized that she must have received a message of sorts from him.

“Look, you don’t have to do it tonight, alright? You know, come back home with me, we’ll have ice creams, sober up and you can rant it out all you like, but let’s not do this here, they’ll be back any time” I advised her, before offering her my hand and pulling her towards the pumping dance floor.

Bad Romance was playing and we started dancing, as immediately there were some hands on my hips, and I could tell it was someone I didn’t know before he was being incredibly hesitant about moving his hands. I didn’t do anything about it though, I knew that I deserved a night off of all the drama in my life.

As songs changed and minutes passed, I tried letting loose more, but I felt all aspects of my life weighing down and revolving inside my mind. My career, which, according to my boss was heading on massively, but was starting to constrict my love for arts, my music, which was, again according to my boss was sounding same, too similar, my family, who deserved far more of my time than they get, my life, was just starting to feel like an endless chain of recording and touring, both of which processes I loved, truly, but it was all happening so fast, that I wasn’t getting a second to stop and enjoy it.

I loved the beauty of my job, getting to pursue my passion and helping so many people along the way, the process of writing lyrics, the process of recording it, the process of releasing it, the process of arranging a tour, the process of being on tour. It was surreal, my life, and at the pace I was going at, I’m pretty sure I would be releasing my 10th album at 30.

Not really feeling in the moment, I took to step away from the dance floor, completely forgetting about the guy who was dancing with me, I was pulled to a stop when a hand caught my wrist in a lock. Looking behind me, I saw a tall man with dark hair and hooded eyes, he was clearly drunk but his smirk spoke a different story; he knew what he was doing.

“Oh come on babe, dance a while longer, what’s the rush anyway?” He said, pulling me tightly towards him and securing an arm around my back, and my eyes narrowed at him hand which was holding mine. I snatched it from his grip, elbowing his guts, right there in the middle of the dance floor.

“Don’t ever try that on any girl” I muttered, but by the looks of it, he clearly heard me. He was still bent, before I turned to leave, only to bump into a hard chest, looking up, I saw it was Brady with Kyle a few steps behind him. Rolling my eyes, I passed by them, “I handled it fine on my own” I told them, reaching our section.

“Do you want us to-“

I cut Kyle off, “No, no I think he’s understood his lesson well” I said, before picking up my purse and checking my phone to see that it was well past midnight.

I looked at my bodyguards, both of whom looked incredibly guilty, “Forget about it, lads. Get the car ready, I’ll wish everyone night” I said.

Finding whoever I could in the crowd, I wished them a goodbye and took a hold of Lily who was far too drunk to even understand what was happening around her anymore.

“Better not to leave her like this here” I muttered under my breath, stopping when I saw Emma laughing with some guy I didn’t recognize and telling her that I was taking Lily with me.

As soon as we reached the door, Brady handed me my leather jacket, which I quickly slipped over my Camilla Velvet Black Dress and took a hold of Lily’s hand once again, exiting The Met Bar. Bright lights blinded me for a moment almost instantly.

Lord, it’s after midnight and they’re still here.

Quickly paving our way through the horde of photographers, I made Lily get inside the Range Rover before I bundled inside as well. We were out of the view within the next minute and I took a deep breath.

“You know, that’s not very attractive” I laughed at Lily’s condition, the next morning, as she came crawling out of the guest bedroom and into the sitting room, flipping me off as she sat on the couch.

“Well, I hate that I drank so much yesterday, I’m never going to drink that much ever again” She groaned, and I shook my head, knowing just what a big lie that was.

“Well, I can get you a car whenever it is you want to leave, Lily” Lima said, her eyes on her laptop, intentionally.

Lily glared at me and I shrugged, grinning.

“And fuck, why is your home so bright? You’re literally sitting with all your curtains open!” She said, scrunching her eyes closed, but then opening them again to take the green tea that Gina offered her with a sweet smile.

Gina had come over in the morning with Lima. The two of them were so ready to take on the day that I almost felt ashamed of myself for even thinking of staying in the bed all day. But nevertheless, that is me on most days anyway.

“How many of my houses have you seen, Lily? Don’t you know me yet?” I chuckled, sipping my own green tea, scrolling through Instagram.

“You’re right, god, how many of your houses have I actually seen? Four, five?” She thought over.

I nodded, “Something like that”

She turned to me, her eyes more awake now, “So what’s the property deal this time? You’re fresh off the tour after all” she wiggled her eyebrows.

I paused, okay, another thing about me is that I only invest in real estate. It’s just something I do. It’s sort of become a tradition for me, I guess. Whenever I’m off tour, the first thing I do is look for a property.

I’m not crazy, I swear. But, there was a point in my life, about 5 years ago when I didn’t know what to do with the amount of money that I was making. Granted, I was young that time and so eager to make the world a better place that I have continuously been donating a percent of my money each year, which is why I’ve been named amongst the most charitable stars for 6 years running. It made me feel purposeful, so I gave funds to whatever charity or campaign actually needed it, though most of it ended up being in Africa itself.

This was also around the time I had bought Heath Hall, in Bishop Avenue, quickly making me owner of one of the most expensive property in all of Britain (well, it had cost a good hefty amount as well), but Heath Hall will always stay my baby. It was the first real estate property that I’d bought with my own money, and had spent lavishly for its interior. It was also because of Heath Hall that I’d become so interested in real estate that within the course of my 10 year career, I own 6 homes around the world.

Look, investing in property is far better than investing in anything else. And that is also one of the reasons why each album of mine is more or less recorded in different parts of the world. Its memories, I think, because when I’ll look back at this time 30 years down the road, I’ll remember them.

“I’ve already gotten one” I said quietly, trying to play it off.

Lily gasped, “Where? Oh my god, I have to plan a vacation then” She said, suddenly too excited.

I rolled my eyes, it has also become a sort of a tradition for my closest friends to use these vacations homes as their vacation home.

“Guess, give it a try”

She thought about it for a second, “I don’t know, Addy, you already have homes in all these exotic places, Greece, South of France, just- you know what, just tell me” she said.

“Sao Paolo, in Brazil” Lima answered for me, still not taking her eyes off the screen”

“Ugh, I wish I had as much money as you do” Lily groaned, shaking her head.

I gave her a stern look, “Okay, shut up now, you certainly aren’t poor” I pointed out.

“Yes, I never said I was poor; but I mean I don’t have 300 or something million dollars either” She said, raising her eyebrow at me.

“Don’t even start, Lily” I warned.

She kept her mouth shut after that, while Lima briefed me for the day.

“Well, you’ve got to tell me when you’ll be going to LA, after your meeting with Victoria, oh wait, she’ll tell me herself but nonetheless, all your philanthropic work is going to handled by Karol, you know that-“

“Lima, I get it, alright? I know what you handle and what Karol handles, don’t worry” I assured her, placing my hand over her bumping knee.

She gave me a look of relief, and for a moment I wondered if all was well with her.

All was quiet for some time, while I was still on my phone, tweeting here and there before my phone started ringing. The caller ID said ‘Elton’.

I picked it up straight away, “Elton” I said, smiling, getting off the couch and approaching my huge paneled French windows.

“Darling, how are you?” Elton John’s legendary voice spoke back.

“I’m great, tell me about yourself, I hope all is fine”

“Oh, all is more than fine, Adelaide. I just had a favor to ask you” He said.

I paused, what could Elton John want from me? Maybe this is about his charity?

“Uh, of, uh-ofcourse Elton, tell me what it is”

“I actually would have told you this long ago, but I heard you were just in town, so I figured, no time like the present, isn’t it?”

“Elton, just out with it please” I shook my head at his dramatics.

I had met Sir Elton John back when I was about 20, still very much a newbie in the industry, and he had been the most supportive veteran musician I’d ever met. He was so encouraging about new talents, that you couldn’t help but love him. And then he’d asked me to join his Elton John AIDS Foundation, which was such an incredible opportunity that opened my eyes to this whole new way of using your celebrity status that I couldn’t help but run to help him whenever he asked me with just one call.

“Gary Barlow wants you on the board of directors for the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee Concert and he’s asked me to relay this information on to you” He said.

My eyes widened, I had met Gary Barlow so many times over the years, I didn’t understand why he didn’t just call me himself but nevertheless, I was quick to tell Elton my reply.

“Oh, that’s wonderful, Addy. Why don’t you go ahead and join him and Lloyd Webber at the latter’s house. I’m sure they’ll be alright with it; they’ve been trying to write a song anyway, I reckon you could be of good help” He said, all at once.

I paused, taking a moment and then realizing that there were way too many occasions in 2012, all year long in Britain, 2012 Olympics, 2012 Summer Paralympics, and Queen’s Diamond Jubilee. And for me, as a British recording artist and public personality, it would be almost impossible not to perform and volunteer in all of those.

So probably not a tour this year.

Outfit

Next Chapter

[oumakokichi]

As somebody who liked Shinguuji prerelease but is now confused due to bad translations and general error can you give me your thoughts on him?

These two asks came relatively back to back, so I’m going to combine them together and answer them ahead of a few others because I feel like there’s a lot about Korekiyo that needs to be cleared up thanks to tons of fake spoilers and rumors floating around.

Most of the rumors you’ve heard besides that he’s the culprit for Chapter 3 are false. He is not incestuous for his sister, and he’s not selfcestuous either. Backing this up is the fact that his very first two FTEs mention his sister so much to the point that Kaede outright asks him if he’s a siscon, and he becomes extremely offended by the accusation, to the point where Kaede even has to apologize for it.

That’s not to say he’s not still a huge asshole. He’s creepy and bizarre (he is an Izaya reference after all), and utterly obsessed with the cultural rituals and ceremonies he studies as a result of his talent. He does a lot of creepy laughing and a lot of very edgy poses, and all in all he’s incredibly fun as a culprit in the same way that both Celes and Mikan were fun for their respective Chapter 3s. Calling him any worse than those two is a little iffy in my opinion, considering Chapter 3 almost always has an extremely selfish culprit who was obviously sketchy from the beginning, but I suppose it’s all a matter of one’s personal preference.

His obsession is not out of anything gross to his sister, but because she supposedly had poor health in real life, and died relatively early. (The next line will include spoilers for PAST Chapter 3, so if you don’t want to be spoiled on endgame material, don’t read past this!) Whether or not he even had a sister outside of the game is actually even entirely up for debate at the moment, although given that most of the characters’ personalities, likes, and dislikes are pretty much intact from how they were at first, I’m inclined to say he probably did.

Basically, he’s obsessed with the idea of conversing with the dead because he feels like his sister must be lonely in the afterlife, and he wants to kill girls in particular so that she can have some “female friends.” According to him, almost any of the girls would have probably been able to “be his sister’s friends” aside from Miu or Maki, which is kind of morbidly hilarious. In his first two FTEs he also really, really wanted Kaede to “become friends” with his sister “if they ever got out of the game,” which is just…poor Kaede.

The rumors of him having a split personality are…a little fuzzier. It’s not anything like Syo and Fukawa, which was already pretty bad representation for DID. It’s more like he was just already pretty creepy “beforehand” in his backstory, and then when his sister died it pushed him over the edge into unhealthy coping mechanism territory. He copes with her death with the idea of communicating with her, and that sort of led to a lot of people getting the wrong idea and thinking that he was actually his sister pretending to be him, or that he had a personality disorder himself.

His love hotel scene is, like quite a few other love hotel scenes in the game, not good, and full of pretty negative implications. But this can also be said for characters like Miu, Angie, and even Tsumugi, and how “canon” these scenes are should be taken with a grain of salt, considering every single one of them is a “delusion” that’s mostly meant for catering to different brackets of the fanbase.

I’m not going to act like Korekiyo is an upstanding human being or anything, because he’s definitely not, and there’s not really any way around the fact that he killed two people or that he’s a huge creep. But in my opinion, he’s a kind of bizarrely hilarious creep and I can appreciate him as a character. The incest rumors are all false, thankfully, and what gave people the wrong idea was simply cgs and bad translations made by people who jumped to assumptions, and so I wouldn’t say he’s supposed to be (bad) DID representation the way Syo and Fukawa were either.

In a game franchise that revolves around the idea of murder, deception, betrayal, and trauma, the characters are all going to do these things or suffer from them for different reasons. While there are many characters whose actions are self-sacrificing and well-intentioned, like Momota or Kaede, the game wouldn’t be nearly as fun or full of twists or interesting as it is without characters who do all those things for horrible reasons, too.

In my opinion, it’s only natural that there’s not always going to be a really good reason for why a character dealing with something as horrible and final as murder. Assholes like Korekiyo (and Celes, and Mikan) are needed in order to give variety to the story. I hope this clears things up!

EDIT: Another anon has told me that in the livestream they watched the rumors regarding incest do seem to be true, and I’ve answered their ask about that! The best I can say with Korekiyo is to tread cautiously, and understand that he’s not portrayed as a positive or well-liked character within the game, which is at least a slight step up from the game portraying him as someone likable, excusable, or close with the rest of the group. But still, it’s not territory that DR has done very good with straying into in the past, and it’s not territory that I’m comfortable with.

I’d say if you enjoy Korekiyo for his talent or his aesthetic design is nice, that’s perfectly understandable. Those things are what I think had so many people interested in him even from before the game was release. It’s okay to enjoy Chapter 3, too. Just know that liking a character based solely on design or aesthetic appeal can be very dangerous, and as long as you don’t stan for or condone the things that he did, you should be okay.

[pxtnlg]

Open letter (May 24, 2017)

I’m not sure I’m ready to put this into words but I know if I don’t try I’ll continue regretting not putting into words what needs to be said. So, at least at the end of this, no matter how it ends, I can at least say I tried. as in writing this now, i dont have an idea on whats going to happen. i feel like you're leading me on, making me believe that everythings going to be okay when i know it will never be okay. In this past year with you, I’ve learned a lot. About myself, about relationships, about maturity, about love. I’ve learned that I’m the type of person who loves with her entire being. When I love or care about someone, I let my entire world revolve around them. That’s what I did with you. You came into my life at a time when I wasn’t ready to open up myself to anyone. You came into my life and you weren’t a person, you were this entity that I became enraptured with. Your infectious personality, your incredible way with words, your delectable charm. it all seemed too good to be true. I think what it comes down to is I became involved with you before I was ever ready. I didn’t take the time to figure out what I wanted and what I needed from someone, from you, from our relationship. I remember our past arguments, you made it very clear you didn’t want a serious relationship because you said you just want to enjoy what’s there and focus on your goals, architecture. I thought it was because you were scared. I know now it’s because you’re not capable of having a relationship at least not the kind I want. I’m going to be honest with you because that’s what people who care about each other do. This is something I’ve been dealing with for a long time and it’s gone on long enough because honestly, it hurts too much. It’s not fair. I’m holding on because I hope things will change, which is perfectly reasonable, but I can’t change a person. I can’t change you, and I can’t change your situation. I can only change myself and the situations I choose to be a part of. You choose to let this nonsense continue and I’ve tried to understand and ignore it, but I can’t anymore. I know everything you don’t want me to. From all the dating apps, girls you supposedly meeting with, girls sending nudes. you don’t know how hard for me to see and read those and I never had the strength to confront you because I’m scared of what you will say. And I know you too much that you can tuck yourself out to those issues. I like to make myself believe that you love me and your just confused stressed or whatsoever. If you wanted to be with someone else, you could. If you wanted to change the dynamics of your relationship with all these girls, you could. I know you well enough by now to know that when you want someone out of your life, that’s it, they’re out. You have had plenty of time to reevaluate your situation and the damage it does to yourself and other people. Why have you done nothing about it? And I don’t mean making profiles private or pursuing secret relationships because that’s childish. I mean taking action and making decisions. I chose to stay in our relationship and endure all of the lies, pain, and absurdity. I want nothing more than to believe every single word you say about me being crazy and all of that. I want nothing more than to continue telling everyone to fuck off that they don’t understand our relationship. You know why I stay, but I deserve to treat myself better. At the VERY LEAST, I deserve honesty from you. You like to use the reasoning that because I’m not technically tied to your relationship wise (being your gf) but the fact of the matter is we are in a relationship despite the fact that is not the term you’d like to use. its clear I am not to flirt, sleep with anyone else or go on dates (CHEAT). You already know the feeling and some part of you would feel hurt if you found out I was sneaking around behind your back. So, why do it to me? How many times I let something like this happened before? Because you know that although I may speak up, I still won’t do anything about it. I know you have feelings for me, otherwise you wouldn’t even bother with our relationship, but it worries me that this is the way you treat people you care about. What’s sicker is there are times when we’re together and I think nothing and no one else matters you have this way of making me feel like I am yours and you’re mine. In the end though, none of that compares to the bigger issue here which is completely unacceptable. The issue being I may have those thoughts but in the end, it’s not true. You and your heart do, whether you see it or not, want someone else. I just want you to realize what I’m worth. I invite you into my life, my head, my heart, my family. That is all very special, and not everyone I meet is entitled to those things. I’ve given you everything and in return, you’re not even really mine. I’m not trying to make you feel bad, because you know I care a lot about you. I just don’t think you can ever give me what I want and need. A relationship, no matter what kind falls apart the minute dishonesty comes into play. It is no longer fair to me to allow dishonesty from you when honesty is expected from me. And I know you will read this and not realize where I’m coming from but I do hope you try. You are the most important person in my life. But, I only have one life, why spend it with someone who doesn’t make me feel like the most important person in their world? You left and I am going to miss you. this will be something I never quite get over. I’m going to feel heartbroken, like a failure, someone who just couldn’t make it work despite her best efforts. But if our relationship didn’t end, I’m making myself continue looking stupid and foolish because I let this happen. But, life sucks sometimes. The most I can do is embrace the heartache and hold onto my pride which I have slowly been losing with each day. I hate being alone, but I am 100% content knowing that I will not give myself to anyone undeserving. This is my life and I am the most important person in it and for the past year, I’ve forgotten that. I love you. I’ve never cared about anyone as much as I do for you. I would do almost anything for you anything you ask of me. The memories I get to keep as a result of being with you are some of the best I have. You are a fantastic human being with a light about you that draws people into you but one thing I cannot do is continue letting you lead me down a path of dishonesty. You don’t see it as dishonesty, I get that, but unfortunately that is what has happened. Whether it’s lying about spending time talking to other girls while you’re “busy” or lying about the “complicated situation,” I’ve fought for you in the only possible way I know how, by being there for you and loving you. But I realize I’m fighting a losing battle. You’re everything to me and I’m not much to you. you won. I do truly hope you read this and try to see it through my point of view. I don’t understand this situation. And if I get nothing from you now, I never will. I want to know who’s keeping you up all night, interests you, if you already meet up with someone, so many questions that, until answered, make me question our feelings with each other. And the sickest thing, and even I have to admit this, that if you didn’t bomb me with those texts and finally told me that you don’t love me anymore, at the end of the day, I will forgive you even though you’re not asking for it. I will let this happen again. I will turn the other way. I will let you continue cheating and I will continue believing your lies. I can act angry and upset and yell and punch and scream but I will never let you go. I can’t. And that, above all else, makes me the most pathetic person I’ve ever known. I don’t think you meant to ever hurt me but you have. When someone you care about is dishonest, it hurts more than anything. I want to believe you, I want you to let me in. I want you to trust me and I want you to recognize that I’m here and willing to listen and understand. But most of all, I just want you. All of you. And in the end, I can only hope you want me, and only me, too. Somehow, it’s a blessing in disguise to not be with you. you lied to me, cheated on me, promised me forever. talk is cheap. just remember that however much i want to hurt you doesn't compare at all to how much all this makes me want to hurt myself. and maybe i wouldn't be acting crazy if you hadn't emotionally manipulated me. Thank you for saying those mean texts, it helped open my eyes. Also, here's to every kaya mo yan i received from you.thank you for believing in me when i almost gave up on myself. it's now time to be alone. I want to genuinely hope the best for you. And that you’ll find what you’re looking for out there. You don’t have to worry about me getting hurt because I’ve been hurting for I don’t know how long. You’re right, wala akong kwenta, wala akong bilang at wala kong kwenta ulit. Kasi kung meron, this will never happen. I'll just focus on and start forgiving myself. For the last time, let me say this here without guilt, i love you...

[shadowlineswriting]

Stiefvater

I have a friend named Ellyn who is also a bookworm. I’ve known Ellyn literally my entire life, and the hallmark of our relationship is passing book suggestions back and forth. I tend to read a pretty wide variety of genres (in case this blog hadn’t already proved that to you). Ellyn stays more within one or two genres, so it’s less frequent for her to tell me about a book than vice versa.

But in high school, she told me about a series called The Wolves of Mercy Falls. At the time, it was a trilogy (three years after the conclusion of the series, there was a fourth book, but I’ve never read it and it’s described as a “companion” but “standalone” to the series.....so, I don’t really include it when I think of the story).

Anyway, the three books are Shiver, Linger, and Forever, and they’re about werewolves. I remember liking them when I read them because, even though werewolves have been done so, so many times, this was a very unique werewolf story. For one thing, it’s the cold that makes them go from humans to wolves. They stay human in the summer and turn to wolves in the winter. The series revolves around the pack figuring out how they can lead human lives half the time without it seeming suspicious to the townsfolk.

There’s a lot more to it than that, but I appreciated the fresh take on werewolf life.

I only read the trilogy that one time in high school, though. I was excited to read them again this weekend. And then I was slightly disappointed.

I still like Shiver very much. It’s a good book. It has a great plot and I like the characters. It’s about a girl named Grace, who figures out that some of the wolves are also people sometimes. It’s entertaining to read and moves along smoothly. 

I did not enjoy rereading Linger and Forever. Actually, Forever wasn’t that bad. Too long, definitely, but it at least had a plot. A poorly-paced plot (loooooots of buildup for one big event, and then the big event only takes about three pages), but a plot nonetheless. It’s Linger that ruined the trilogy for me.

First, the entire plot of Linger could’ve been covered in about thirty pages, tops. It was a very, very slow read. Second, it is super depressing. I can’t think of one single happy thing that happened in the entire novel.

And third, and this is probably the biggest problem I had with it, is that things become so utterly unbelievable. I’m not talking about the werewolf thing--that’s unbelievable from the beginning, so you automatically suspend belief when you read about it--but everything else. The real-life stuff. I’ll give you an example.

Grace is an only child. Both of her parents work jobs with crazy hours, and clearly were not prepared to be parents when they became parents. So for all of Shiver, the story moves forward with the understanding that Grace looks after herself, does all her own cooking and grocery shopping and car shopping and laundry and whatnot, and barely sees her parents. That’s not out of the question. In fact, I knew people with parents like when I was in high school. It’s a little bit annoying because her parents are supposedly successful careerists, yet at one point we learn they are literally so helpless that they don’t know how to order a pizza. I had a tough time believing that, but the rest of Shiver is enjoyable enough that I was willing to let that one go.

In Linger, everything reaches an absurd level of bizarre. Grace’s parents, who met her boyfriend in the first book, suddenly decide that they hate him. This comes completely out of the blue and seems incredibly unrealistic. The explanation we’re given is “Once upon a time, Mom had really liked Sam...but that was back when he was just a boy that I was seeing. Now that it was clear that Sam was here to stay, Mom’s friendliness had evaporated and she and I communicated in the language of silence.”

Um, what?

We’re supposed to believe that these parents, who remember are literally so helpless that they can’t order pizza, the parents who totally forget they have a daughter sometimes, and leave their daughter alone for days at a time, suddenly decide they don’t like her boyfriend just because she has one that lasts longer than a month?

Why the heck would they care? If we’re supposed to believe that they’re as standoffish with Grace as they seem, why would they suddenly be assertive about her dating a guy they like?

It makes no sense, and that confusing mentally carries all the way throughout the book, which is the main problem I have with it. Things like that start to happen with alarming regularity, which seems like the author just needed more plot points (remember, there’s a lack available for Linger) and decided to toss stuff in at random.

I can’t do it. It’s not enjoyable to read, and it actually kind of irritates me.

That being said, Shiver is still worth it. I like to read that book and I actually think it would make a good film. Forever is pretty good, too, but to get to Forever you have to get through Linger, and that is definitely not happening for me again.

Ergo, Shiver stays, but Linger and Forever are out.